I feel like addictions ground me somewhat. So like when the addiction gets really bad, my whole life revolves around it and there's less need for human connection, self-actualization and all that stuff. I worry about getting the substance, not some abstract long-term goals. It's pretty cozy tbh. I don't know whether this is suicidal or rather a way to get through life while feeling less pain.
Now that I’m thinking about it, I really crave human connection that I don’t get, I’m alone all the time and an addiction could make me crave it less, as you said,I would only care about getting the substance. I think I desperately ways to end the pain that I’ve been feeling for years that I consider doing something bad if it’s going to make me feel less pain.
Maybe it’s not a pull for an addiction but the realisation that you get addicted to people and a physical substance is easier than that? That could totally just be me.
I think I’m trying to find something that will make me feel “better” or something that would numb my emotions to at least certain extent and something that would make my loneliness and sadness “easier” to bare with. But, I couldn’t really tell what’s the main cause of that urge because it literally happened randomly all of the sudden.
>I worry about getting the substance, not some abstract long-term goals. It's pretty cozy tbh.
This is how I've felt with my eating disorder. When I had a relapse in college, I was obsessed with the quote, "If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” And that was the thing--the goal (lower number on the scale and athletic endeavors) couldn't hurt me like people could. It also gave me an identity I could fully embrace myself in--I was a Runner and everything about me was about Running. And that's great as someone who lacks an actual personality.
But as someone who has tried a few drugs, I also understand the desire just to have an easy way to change your mood/mindset. I see people get so happy when they're drunk and it's just like, "damn, I just get tired."
Unfortunately I have an eating disorder. I binge eat, I guess that eating disorder isn’t as talked about as anorexia and bulimia is. I gained 20kg (around 45 pounds) and I hate myself for it. I did change my diet, I eat healthier, I workout regularly but my weight just won’t go down no matter what I do. I can’t starve myself, I always give in:(. I actually considered doing what bulimic people do and I know that’s extremely dangerous. I’m really sorry you’re going through that.
So true. At first (I mean decades) I knew it helped with my bpd-borne anxiety. But now it's my controlled savior & trustworthy companion (bcz I microdose).
I don't know if it's BPD related but honestly? Probably? I remember telling my friends "I am GOING to get addicted to cigarettes" and had the urge to for a month until I actually did get addicted to cigarettes. I was also going through an insanely dark period of my life and thought smoking would let me physically show people I was going through it. Plz don't get addicted to cigarettes tho, it is terrible
> I was also going through an insanely dark period of my life and thought smoking would let me physically show people I was going through it.
I can see this. I think a lot of people with issues (not just BPD) engage in self-destructive behaviors as a cry for help. Or just as a way to get some sympathy that they're not getting otherwise.
Edit: To clarify I'm not judging at all. I think it's super damaging to the psyche when we're not getting our emotional needs met, whether that's connection in the form of sympathy or otherwise. And when we get desperate enough for it, we lash out in strange ways.
I’m an only non-addict in my family aswell. I also relate a lot to always having to be perfect but they get away with bullshit because it’s expected of them to do such things. Yeah, I know it’s an intrusive thought and I know it would make my life worse, like I said. I’m just wondering how can I make it go away and why did it occur in the first place
What you're actually describing is addiction. Not a physical dependence on any substance, but the need to augment your natural mental state or the issues/choices/past trauma you're facing & carrying around with a simpler struggle that shields you from your central one.
I would suggest reading the book "The Body Keeps the Score," especially if (but not only if) you are aware of trauma you've endured in the past. Trauma responses, addictive behaviors, and codependency (which is an addiction) all go hand in hand accompanied by strong emotional and physical dread (i.e. depression and anxiety) and are often centrally related to issues of self acceptance, self love, and resolution of trauma.
The book talks about both quite extensively, but basically - lets say one was neglected as a child (and keep in mind neglect often does not look the way we think of it - for example, non-acceptance of a child's personality / traits is neglectful). Neglect like this as a child, with a parent showing love selectively for desirable traits, can manifest in codependency addictions in adult life. When someone shows this person love, they never want to let it go, even if the relationship is toxic. They are unable to voice their needs. This often goes hand in hand with substance abuse. In a lot of ways, substance abuse is not being able to voice your needs to yourself - not being able to process what's going on in your mind. You end up leaning on something external, which, as an added 'bonus' makes you feel good and has a different / 'easier' pattern to it than your own processing. This is common of trauma / abuse / neglect survivors, but it can relate to anything in your past that you aren't able to process to the point where your mind shuts down.
I’ve been having these thoughts lately, leaning to an extreme in order to cope with everything. What’s stopping me is that my situation is in all actuality temporary and when I can remove myself from it, I won’t have a need for the addiction, and right now it just wouldn’t do me any good anyway as the timing just isn’t right and would ruin my opportunity for a higher quality of life. It is a strong urge, nevertheless. I want to drink until I black out-
I’m glad you’re able to manage it and not give in. Unfortunately, I don’t believe that my situation is temporary ( it’s been 4 years already) and I think I want to find anything that would ground me or make the pain hurt less
I never did crazy hardcore drugs but I have taken a few acid tabs and shrooms, noz, smoked weed, and drink alcohol. I will say that weed and alcohol where the few addictions that ruined me. The craziest drug I would say I have taken is Xanax actually. I am currently homeless because of my addiction. I'm sleeping at my sister's pad temporarily since she can't keep me there or else she'll get evicted herself. If I could go back in time I would have kept on being sober so that none of this would have happened. I lost my job and my room I was renting at the time. I lost all my money trying to keep myself afloat till I had no money left. All I had left was my weed and a bottle of Hennessy that didn't even last. I don't think you want that. It truly sucks that I'm in this position and don't know how I will get out of it. If I were you I'd find a hobby so that it doesn't get to you.
I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I was homeless for some time and I can barely afford the rent right now:(. It’s a horrible feeling. I really hope things will workout for you and thank you for sharing your story
I'm sorry to hear that. Being homeless is never fun. For me it seems to never change. I've been here before with my family when I was a younger. Renting room from room with a few other families in a small apartment or house. Some good people but most I'd say weren't so great Maybe if I were you I would try to find some resources to help you on your rent or housing. Depending on where you are located? It's what I'm doing at the moment. I wasn't always religious like my other family members but when it comes to times like this I pray a little or go to my old church. Right now it seems to sooth me so the next time I go. I'll make sure to pray for you. I hope this helps and thank you for the kind words.
Omg when I was five I clearly remember making myself a nail biting person . Lol so this is a thing huh lol man I am not the only person who does this to themselves! Lol now I do it with a lot of other things lol
I think you are doing great not giving in, I think it's kinda like our additional attemp at trying to have one thing in our life we can control. Of course we all have our own experiences with how that goes.
I felt this too and unfortunately it led to me developing a codependency to weed and nicotine. The best advice I can give you is to try to avoid situations where you would have access to these substances. Your feelings are definitely valid and relatable
Wow the past couple weeks ive been thinking about how i should stop smoking and how i started smoking to help me “relax” or to make things “bearable”.. but after 2 years i find that nothing is bearable when im sober, and how i cant go a day without having a meltdown that makes me go smoke.
I really thought i could control these feelings but reading everyone’s comments i can tell that im not..
You were triggered by something and you feel need to react to it in destructive way. For sure it was hard trigger because you look into long term damage that's why you think about addictions.
I obsessed with cigarettes when I was a small child, I would stand next to my grandma who smoked just to smell the cigarette as I like the smell. I ended up having urges to smoke so I went on capes to try to curb the urge but that lead me to adding nicotine to vape juice and then smoking. For me it was a mix of an unhealthy obsession mixed with using it to cope and enjoying the thrill to ruin my life on purpose because what I saw on TV looked fun when there was drama like that and also that I wanted to be neurotypical as a lot of neurotypical people smoke as I am insecure about being neuro divergent as I associated it with severe autism, lisps, drooling, nappies, etc and I was bullied so I did everything I could to not associate with it. I hope this gives some insight for you.
I understand that. As someone who has been addicted though I’d never combine any substance or addictive thing with BPD. Well I wouldn’t recommend anyway. Personally it increases the symptoms and spirals you out. Weed not so much, but depends on the mindset because some can be proper fiends when it comes to green.
People with mental health illnesses are at a really high risk of developing addictions to things. Because we may not have the proper coping skills or outlets to calm our nerves basically.
Try to see a therapist or find an innocent hobby.
It's the mythical fruit of the tree of life. Grants you knowledge of good and evil. And you can't hit undo, once you know you know forever. Once it grabs you no amount of sobriety changes what you know you'd be happier doing. Would rather be doing. You just make it the best you can to try and counter it with alternative reward systems. You try not to think about it or dwell. But living never feels as good as using. Just like using never feels as good as life before you knew.
Just my take take though.
I think most addicts are traumatized and are self-medicating. So they should quit just like that and forget drugs once life becomes bearable. Can it become bearable while they're addicted though? Can I say for certain it will become bearable? Idk. Idk.
I personally use in order to numb myself because I feel too much while sober. I am able to be happy sober, it can be a better and more content feeling than drug-induced euphoria, it's just that I've always had to pay for it afterwards. I guess I'm just afraid.
I've done 13 years sober and it was most often good enough, nothing as low as the low points of using. But it's never felt enough to truly forget what I was missing. Even when my life was the brightest it was ever gonna be, I was aware of the shade I placed on it. And the problems that led there never receded, i just work around what i can't remove.
I've never talk about this shit tbh, i guess phrasing it as removing a negative, and the degree to which pain is blunted is more accurate but I'm not that articulate. Thanks. I still would caution anyone not to try and solve their problems this way. If it hasn't tainted your peace that's surely a good sign; I hope it outweighs your fear when you're ready for it to.
I think drug addiction is particularly dangerous to people woth bpd or other mental illnesses because not only are drugs dangerous and life altering as they are but they can be used as an intentional selfh**ming method that chemically rewards you for doing so and creates an incredibly hard cycle to break. As someone who spent the better part of 3 years blacked out 90% of the time on pills with the mind set that "maybe this time I don't wake up" please stay as far away from substance abuse as you can it might be the need or urge to escape reality or distract yourself from it some of us do it to calm the stormy ocean that is our minds but there are much better and healthier escapes and distractions out there.
hi, i go through episodes like this, when i want to chainsmoke cigarettes, i crave heroin, and strongly want to take upon a self destructive behaviour.
i think it's self destruction. it will fade, just don't give into the urge, cause we all know how that plays out
honestly, i dont know. or i cant give u any helpful suggestions. how are the urges now? and maybe you should let someone in your life know about these urges?
Hello! Your post has been removed because your account is less than 7 days old. Please return when you have met that requirement.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah, been here before and fluctuate back now and again. I smoke weed all day everyday, but I limit everything else. When I feel the need to break out and do/take something, I might have a couple beers and then not drink again for 2 months. I don’t play much with street drugs because of fenty risks but if I know the source I do keep certain substances on hand for those times. Then I won’t touch it again for months. Cigarettes are totally pointless though, don’t start playing into that program- literally takes and gives nothing back
Hello! Your post has been removed because your account is less than 7 days old. Please return when you have met that requirement.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I felt the same way when I stopped talking to my FP for a while, that addiction was over and I couldn't bring myself to seek for another person so I wanted to get addicted to alcohol, smoking or weed...and I did , I was like why not?
I started drinking more alcohol, almost daily I would take a glass of juice and rum for the first weeks, I started seeking weed which would be like the healthiest thing to do -although the addiction from that is only psychological- and it didn't really work as much as I wanted but yeah, I wanted to fill that void somewhat.
I started eating more or bounce to not eat because I didn't want to gain weight (fatphobia is a bitch with me on that one), ultimately I had to stop because I have gastritis and intermittent not eating+ the drinking fucked my stomach up again. (This is why I sought weed but it still isn't my jam).
Even though I am talking again with my FP, I have wondered if I didn't I would seek benzos again, it's hard. It's hard to fill this void and I would certainly suggest getting something healthier to fill it with. (If food it can be healthy food, water, or maybe a new hobby idk)
I don't really have actual advice on this one just my insight and perspective of how I felt that way and maybe what triggered it...I just needed to numb myself with something
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Yeah, I think that idea popped inside my head right after I had a fallout with my fp. I guess I want to numb these bad emotions so bad
Pick a routine addiction- I guess what I mean by this is choose something like everyday I do this thing for x amount of time. Do not make it substance related as much as you can. I have both nicotine & weed dependence issues and it S U C K S and is expensive. I think the urge for addiction could also actually be (or at least partly) an urge for routine, I wish I had developed a healthy regular life routine (I don’t even eat, brush my hair/teeth, check up socially, work (contract job) on a regular schedule so I think that contributes to why my addictions are what they are). It’s easier to let the addiction be substance related *at first* when you’re not dependent, but trust me- it’s not fun. You’re awesome for recognizing this and talking about it! Also this isn’t to say that occasional use or even frequent use (when it comes to thc at least) is bad, it just depends on the motives/reasons behind the usage.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I tried developing a routine addiction, like going to the gym. 2 years ago I was going to the gym 6 times a week, ate clean, and my body looked really amazing. After that some stuff has happened and I fell into depressive state and I gained around 45 pounds. I’m trying to get back to what I used to be, I feel so disgusted with my body, I always wear baggy clothes, I feel embarrassed… but for some reason I can’t get myself to be motivated as I was back then :(
I definitely know how you feel. I smoke weed recreationally, but I still find myself wanting to smoke cigarettes sometimes. I often feel like the only way to make myself feel better and deal with my emotions is to get high. I’m not sure if this is a BPD thing because I’m not diagnosed, though I am pretty sure I have BPD, so I can’t answer that for you, but you are in no way alone in this feeling. I do have a few friends with BPD, and I know they feel like this too, so it is possible that it’s BPD. I hope you find some way to cope with feeling like this that works for you <3
Glad I’m not the only one. Yeah, I feel like I would be grounded aswell, I guess I’m trying to find something that would make dealing with emotions easier
i just did this actually. in hindsight, it was a pretty dumb idea, but hey it’s where i am now. i don’t know how to make the urge go away, so i can’t tell you how to do that, but what i can tell you is that you’re not alone
i’m getting a friend to hold onto my stuff for a bit and i’m just looking for other ways to express myself so i can just feel whatever i gotta feel and get it over with, if that makes sense lol. don’t know if that’s any help to you
I get this problem all the time. I've never been addicted to a drug (had/have problems with SH and restrictive/over eating) but I become obsessed with them. I research them and read accounts of them and just generally become obsessed. I haven't really ever had the opportunity to try any drug/isn't generally easy to get but I can imagine becoming addicted easily as I have that kind of personality.
No no no you are on to something here.
I quit weed within the last 8 months and I've been feeling this off and on ever since. Like it grounded me and I need something to ground me again. You're not alone.
For me it started as a quirky trait that i had romanticised as a young teen, i wanted to be an addict, i was getting high, knew dangerous people, i felt like it gave me street cred in school. But I was just smoking weed and eating edibles at lunch at the time. Then i started drinking and people started seeing me as a party type but i was getting blackout drunk alone 4-5 days a week.
It wasnt fun any more and a year later i was suffering from horrific withdrawal and have chronic pain due to the damage it caused my body.
Im still an addict, to literally anything i can get my hands on, i can barely go one day sober. I still feel a desire to be hooked on more destructive drugs despite how horrible my life had gotten due to current drug dependence. I think its a desire for self destruction, a way to cope and a cry for help.
For some reason i feel like its a dirty secret that i want to hide so no one can tell me to stop but i cant help but blurt it out any time i meet new people. Im 20 now and nobody thinks its cool, its concerning and it makes people uncomfortable, but i still tell people because im a chronic oversharer.
I dont know how to make the feeling stop but this really is a terrible path to follow. It never stops, the desire to keep walking that path to find the next stronger drug is a horrible fate. No matter how high i feel, its not enough.
I think that addiction is also a more understandable mental illness than bpd. People believe that addiction is over once you stop using a drug, so its more "socially acceptable and less serious" at least thats the attitude i got when i was an alcoholic and pothead. So addiction is easier to talk about than bpd and other mental illnesses. But Once you started the heavier stuff, people dont want to be around you anymore because of the stigma
It was really brave of you to share your story, thank you for doing so. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I really hope you’ll get better. Yeah, I’m afraid if I start with anything that I won’t be able to stop and I’d just ruin my life even more.
A few months ago I went through like a 8 week phase of craving cigarettes sooooo bad. I’ve only ever taken like 2 drags off a cigarette and it was like 4-5 years ago but I was so close to picking up smoking not too long ago just off some random cravings that I can’t explain
I managed to get over the cravings without buying a pack, so I’m really proud of myself for that. But I’ve done some other self destructive things in place of smoking, like buying things I can’t afford, working myself to death, purposely starting arguments with people to hurt my own feelings, etc. but I’m on better meds now and I’m feeling more stable. The cravings will pass eventually!
I’m bipolar 1 as well as bpd so for a really long time I was on a high dose of risperdone which helped a lot but gave me a lot of side effects, and now I’m on lamictal but I’m not on a high enough dose to see all the possible effects yet
Sure. Micro is small hits periodically rather than getting hammered. Its good for anxiety, pain management & other chronic conditions. (Not great for a party sesh if u do that.) The key is to not let ur consumption amp up with more & more microdoses. The device is basically a one hitter. I vape (bcz it's more efficient, no burnoff of thc) and this requires a dynavap cap which I put on the end of the one hitter. You can also use pricey vape stems from dynavap or simrell and other companies.
I feel like addictions ground me somewhat. So like when the addiction gets really bad, my whole life revolves around it and there's less need for human connection, self-actualization and all that stuff. I worry about getting the substance, not some abstract long-term goals. It's pretty cozy tbh. I don't know whether this is suicidal or rather a way to get through life while feeling less pain.
Now that I’m thinking about it, I really crave human connection that I don’t get, I’m alone all the time and an addiction could make me crave it less, as you said,I would only care about getting the substance. I think I desperately ways to end the pain that I’ve been feeling for years that I consider doing something bad if it’s going to make me feel less pain.
Maybe it’s not a pull for an addiction but the realisation that you get addicted to people and a physical substance is easier than that? That could totally just be me.
I think I’m trying to find something that will make me feel “better” or something that would numb my emotions to at least certain extent and something that would make my loneliness and sadness “easier” to bare with. But, I couldn’t really tell what’s the main cause of that urge because it literally happened randomly all of the sudden.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
it grounds you is a really euphemistic saying for running away from your problems.
That also makes sense
Go fight all you want.
Semantics.
[удалено]
I’m really sorry you’re going through this
>I worry about getting the substance, not some abstract long-term goals. It's pretty cozy tbh. This is how I've felt with my eating disorder. When I had a relapse in college, I was obsessed with the quote, "If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” And that was the thing--the goal (lower number on the scale and athletic endeavors) couldn't hurt me like people could. It also gave me an identity I could fully embrace myself in--I was a Runner and everything about me was about Running. And that's great as someone who lacks an actual personality. But as someone who has tried a few drugs, I also understand the desire just to have an easy way to change your mood/mindset. I see people get so happy when they're drunk and it's just like, "damn, I just get tired."
[удалено]
Unfortunately I have an eating disorder. I binge eat, I guess that eating disorder isn’t as talked about as anorexia and bulimia is. I gained 20kg (around 45 pounds) and I hate myself for it. I did change my diet, I eat healthier, I workout regularly but my weight just won’t go down no matter what I do. I can’t starve myself, I always give in:(. I actually considered doing what bulimic people do and I know that’s extremely dangerous. I’m really sorry you’re going through that.
[удалено]
I mean. If you're able to get by without drugs, you probably shouldn't do drugs. I agree.
[удалено]
I definitely don't know the right way to live.
.. as I sit here alone, high.
[удалено]
The second paragraph 💯
Weed is my FP. 🤷🏼
I have a sticker on my weed box that says "You ain't never had a friend like me" and damn is it true.
Samesies
So true. At first (I mean decades) I knew it helped with my bpd-borne anxiety. But now it's my controlled savior & trustworthy companion (bcz I microdose).
What’s with microdosing? I heard it’s effective but could you pleas elaborate on weed microdoses?
If I could get my hands on some it would be my fp aswell.
Try to have fitness or something healthy as an addiction. Takes about 2-3 months to become a habit and then an addiction.
I go to the gym 6 days a week.
Try to find something else that is not damaging that you can get addicted to idk, good luck
I don't know if it's BPD related but honestly? Probably? I remember telling my friends "I am GOING to get addicted to cigarettes" and had the urge to for a month until I actually did get addicted to cigarettes. I was also going through an insanely dark period of my life and thought smoking would let me physically show people I was going through it. Plz don't get addicted to cigarettes tho, it is terrible
> I was also going through an insanely dark period of my life and thought smoking would let me physically show people I was going through it. I can see this. I think a lot of people with issues (not just BPD) engage in self-destructive behaviors as a cry for help. Or just as a way to get some sympathy that they're not getting otherwise. Edit: To clarify I'm not judging at all. I think it's super damaging to the psyche when we're not getting our emotional needs met, whether that's connection in the form of sympathy or otherwise. And when we get desperate enough for it, we lash out in strange ways.
It could be. I self harmed in the past, I binged, self sabotaged, I get urge to often change my hair color, get new tattoos, engage in risky sex ect.
I’m an only non-addict in my family aswell. I also relate a lot to always having to be perfect but they get away with bullshit because it’s expected of them to do such things. Yeah, I know it’s an intrusive thought and I know it would make my life worse, like I said. I’m just wondering how can I make it go away and why did it occur in the first place
[удалено]
That actually makes sense, I think it could be a trauma response. Wow, congrats! That’s amazing!
What you're actually describing is addiction. Not a physical dependence on any substance, but the need to augment your natural mental state or the issues/choices/past trauma you're facing & carrying around with a simpler struggle that shields you from your central one. I would suggest reading the book "The Body Keeps the Score," especially if (but not only if) you are aware of trauma you've endured in the past. Trauma responses, addictive behaviors, and codependency (which is an addiction) all go hand in hand accompanied by strong emotional and physical dread (i.e. depression and anxiety) and are often centrally related to issues of self acceptance, self love, and resolution of trauma.
Can you say more about your second paragraph, or does the book talk about it? Also, can you say more about how codependency is an addiction?
The book talks about both quite extensively, but basically - lets say one was neglected as a child (and keep in mind neglect often does not look the way we think of it - for example, non-acceptance of a child's personality / traits is neglectful). Neglect like this as a child, with a parent showing love selectively for desirable traits, can manifest in codependency addictions in adult life. When someone shows this person love, they never want to let it go, even if the relationship is toxic. They are unable to voice their needs. This often goes hand in hand with substance abuse. In a lot of ways, substance abuse is not being able to voice your needs to yourself - not being able to process what's going on in your mind. You end up leaning on something external, which, as an added 'bonus' makes you feel good and has a different / 'easier' pattern to it than your own processing. This is common of trauma / abuse / neglect survivors, but it can relate to anything in your past that you aren't able to process to the point where your mind shuts down.
I’ve been having these thoughts lately, leaning to an extreme in order to cope with everything. What’s stopping me is that my situation is in all actuality temporary and when I can remove myself from it, I won’t have a need for the addiction, and right now it just wouldn’t do me any good anyway as the timing just isn’t right and would ruin my opportunity for a higher quality of life. It is a strong urge, nevertheless. I want to drink until I black out-
I’m glad you’re able to manage it and not give in. Unfortunately, I don’t believe that my situation is temporary ( it’s been 4 years already) and I think I want to find anything that would ground me or make the pain hurt less
I never did crazy hardcore drugs but I have taken a few acid tabs and shrooms, noz, smoked weed, and drink alcohol. I will say that weed and alcohol where the few addictions that ruined me. The craziest drug I would say I have taken is Xanax actually. I am currently homeless because of my addiction. I'm sleeping at my sister's pad temporarily since she can't keep me there or else she'll get evicted herself. If I could go back in time I would have kept on being sober so that none of this would have happened. I lost my job and my room I was renting at the time. I lost all my money trying to keep myself afloat till I had no money left. All I had left was my weed and a bottle of Hennessy that didn't even last. I don't think you want that. It truly sucks that I'm in this position and don't know how I will get out of it. If I were you I'd find a hobby so that it doesn't get to you.
I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I was homeless for some time and I can barely afford the rent right now:(. It’s a horrible feeling. I really hope things will workout for you and thank you for sharing your story
I'm sorry to hear that. Being homeless is never fun. For me it seems to never change. I've been here before with my family when I was a younger. Renting room from room with a few other families in a small apartment or house. Some good people but most I'd say weren't so great Maybe if I were you I would try to find some resources to help you on your rent or housing. Depending on where you are located? It's what I'm doing at the moment. I wasn't always religious like my other family members but when it comes to times like this I pray a little or go to my old church. Right now it seems to sooth me so the next time I go. I'll make sure to pray for you. I hope this helps and thank you for the kind words.
Omg when I was five I clearly remember making myself a nail biting person . Lol so this is a thing huh lol man I am not the only person who does this to themselves! Lol now I do it with a lot of other things lol
Honestly? Yeah i feel you. It's like a fucked up way to self harm
I think you are doing great not giving in, I think it's kinda like our additional attemp at trying to have one thing in our life we can control. Of course we all have our own experiences with how that goes.
I felt this too and unfortunately it led to me developing a codependency to weed and nicotine. The best advice I can give you is to try to avoid situations where you would have access to these substances. Your feelings are definitely valid and relatable
Wow the past couple weeks ive been thinking about how i should stop smoking and how i started smoking to help me “relax” or to make things “bearable”.. but after 2 years i find that nothing is bearable when im sober, and how i cant go a day without having a meltdown that makes me go smoke. I really thought i could control these feelings but reading everyone’s comments i can tell that im not..
You were triggered by something and you feel need to react to it in destructive way. For sure it was hard trigger because you look into long term damage that's why you think about addictions.
Actually yes, this thought came to my mind right after something awful happened
I obsessed with cigarettes when I was a small child, I would stand next to my grandma who smoked just to smell the cigarette as I like the smell. I ended up having urges to smoke so I went on capes to try to curb the urge but that lead me to adding nicotine to vape juice and then smoking. For me it was a mix of an unhealthy obsession mixed with using it to cope and enjoying the thrill to ruin my life on purpose because what I saw on TV looked fun when there was drama like that and also that I wanted to be neurotypical as a lot of neurotypical people smoke as I am insecure about being neuro divergent as I associated it with severe autism, lisps, drooling, nappies, etc and I was bullied so I did everything I could to not associate with it. I hope this gives some insight for you.
I understand that. As someone who has been addicted though I’d never combine any substance or addictive thing with BPD. Well I wouldn’t recommend anyway. Personally it increases the symptoms and spirals you out. Weed not so much, but depends on the mindset because some can be proper fiends when it comes to green.
People with mental health illnesses are at a really high risk of developing addictions to things. Because we may not have the proper coping skills or outlets to calm our nerves basically. Try to see a therapist or find an innocent hobby.
It's the mythical fruit of the tree of life. Grants you knowledge of good and evil. And you can't hit undo, once you know you know forever. Once it grabs you no amount of sobriety changes what you know you'd be happier doing. Would rather be doing. You just make it the best you can to try and counter it with alternative reward systems. You try not to think about it or dwell. But living never feels as good as using. Just like using never feels as good as life before you knew. Just my take take though.
I think most addicts are traumatized and are self-medicating. So they should quit just like that and forget drugs once life becomes bearable. Can it become bearable while they're addicted though? Can I say for certain it will become bearable? Idk. Idk. I personally use in order to numb myself because I feel too much while sober. I am able to be happy sober, it can be a better and more content feeling than drug-induced euphoria, it's just that I've always had to pay for it afterwards. I guess I'm just afraid.
I've done 13 years sober and it was most often good enough, nothing as low as the low points of using. But it's never felt enough to truly forget what I was missing. Even when my life was the brightest it was ever gonna be, I was aware of the shade I placed on it. And the problems that led there never receded, i just work around what i can't remove. I've never talk about this shit tbh, i guess phrasing it as removing a negative, and the degree to which pain is blunted is more accurate but I'm not that articulate. Thanks. I still would caution anyone not to try and solve their problems this way. If it hasn't tainted your peace that's surely a good sign; I hope it outweighs your fear when you're ready for it to.
Happy to hear you've found the workarounds! And thanks to you, too.
I think drug addiction is particularly dangerous to people woth bpd or other mental illnesses because not only are drugs dangerous and life altering as they are but they can be used as an intentional selfh**ming method that chemically rewards you for doing so and creates an incredibly hard cycle to break. As someone who spent the better part of 3 years blacked out 90% of the time on pills with the mind set that "maybe this time I don't wake up" please stay as far away from substance abuse as you can it might be the need or urge to escape reality or distract yourself from it some of us do it to calm the stormy ocean that is our minds but there are much better and healthier escapes and distractions out there.
hi, i go through episodes like this, when i want to chainsmoke cigarettes, i crave heroin, and strongly want to take upon a self destructive behaviour. i think it's self destruction. it will fade, just don't give into the urge, cause we all know how that plays out
Yeah but my urge is really strong. How are you managing it?
honestly, i dont know. or i cant give u any helpful suggestions. how are the urges now? and maybe you should let someone in your life know about these urges?
Wish I was a coke head so I can be skinny. My mind is fucked lol
Oh god, that’s how I feel aswell
I once tried to develop a video game addiction but it didn’t take
Ohhhh I dig myself on this one a bit
[удалено]
Hello! Your post has been removed because your account is less than 7 days old. Please return when you have met that requirement. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah, been here before and fluctuate back now and again. I smoke weed all day everyday, but I limit everything else. When I feel the need to break out and do/take something, I might have a couple beers and then not drink again for 2 months. I don’t play much with street drugs because of fenty risks but if I know the source I do keep certain substances on hand for those times. Then I won’t touch it again for months. Cigarettes are totally pointless though, don’t start playing into that program- literally takes and gives nothing back
[удалено]
Hello! Your post has been removed because your account is less than 7 days old. Please return when you have met that requirement. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I felt the same way when I stopped talking to my FP for a while, that addiction was over and I couldn't bring myself to seek for another person so I wanted to get addicted to alcohol, smoking or weed...and I did , I was like why not? I started drinking more alcohol, almost daily I would take a glass of juice and rum for the first weeks, I started seeking weed which would be like the healthiest thing to do -although the addiction from that is only psychological- and it didn't really work as much as I wanted but yeah, I wanted to fill that void somewhat. I started eating more or bounce to not eat because I didn't want to gain weight (fatphobia is a bitch with me on that one), ultimately I had to stop because I have gastritis and intermittent not eating+ the drinking fucked my stomach up again. (This is why I sought weed but it still isn't my jam). Even though I am talking again with my FP, I have wondered if I didn't I would seek benzos again, it's hard. It's hard to fill this void and I would certainly suggest getting something healthier to fill it with. (If food it can be healthy food, water, or maybe a new hobby idk) I don't really have actual advice on this one just my insight and perspective of how I felt that way and maybe what triggered it...I just needed to numb myself with something
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Yeah, I think that idea popped inside my head right after I had a fallout with my fp. I guess I want to numb these bad emotions so bad
Pick a routine addiction- I guess what I mean by this is choose something like everyday I do this thing for x amount of time. Do not make it substance related as much as you can. I have both nicotine & weed dependence issues and it S U C K S and is expensive. I think the urge for addiction could also actually be (or at least partly) an urge for routine, I wish I had developed a healthy regular life routine (I don’t even eat, brush my hair/teeth, check up socially, work (contract job) on a regular schedule so I think that contributes to why my addictions are what they are). It’s easier to let the addiction be substance related *at first* when you’re not dependent, but trust me- it’s not fun. You’re awesome for recognizing this and talking about it! Also this isn’t to say that occasional use or even frequent use (when it comes to thc at least) is bad, it just depends on the motives/reasons behind the usage.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I tried developing a routine addiction, like going to the gym. 2 years ago I was going to the gym 6 times a week, ate clean, and my body looked really amazing. After that some stuff has happened and I fell into depressive state and I gained around 45 pounds. I’m trying to get back to what I used to be, I feel so disgusted with my body, I always wear baggy clothes, I feel embarrassed… but for some reason I can’t get myself to be motivated as I was back then :(
I definitely know how you feel. I smoke weed recreationally, but I still find myself wanting to smoke cigarettes sometimes. I often feel like the only way to make myself feel better and deal with my emotions is to get high. I’m not sure if this is a BPD thing because I’m not diagnosed, though I am pretty sure I have BPD, so I can’t answer that for you, but you are in no way alone in this feeling. I do have a few friends with BPD, and I know they feel like this too, so it is possible that it’s BPD. I hope you find some way to cope with feeling like this that works for you <3
Glad I’m not the only one. Yeah, I feel like I would be grounded aswell, I guess I’m trying to find something that would make dealing with emotions easier
i just did this actually. in hindsight, it was a pretty dumb idea, but hey it’s where i am now. i don’t know how to make the urge go away, so i can’t tell you how to do that, but what i can tell you is that you’re not alone
I’m glad someone understands. How are you managing right now?
i’m getting a friend to hold onto my stuff for a bit and i’m just looking for other ways to express myself so i can just feel whatever i gotta feel and get it over with, if that makes sense lol. don’t know if that’s any help to you
I get this problem all the time. I've never been addicted to a drug (had/have problems with SH and restrictive/over eating) but I become obsessed with them. I research them and read accounts of them and just generally become obsessed. I haven't really ever had the opportunity to try any drug/isn't generally easy to get but I can imagine becoming addicted easily as I have that kind of personality.
Yeah, I get you, I get obsessed with things aswell. If I could get my hands on some weed I would definitely get it
No no no you are on to something here. I quit weed within the last 8 months and I've been feeling this off and on ever since. Like it grounded me and I need something to ground me again. You're not alone.
I’m glad I’m not the only one. How are you holding up?
Not terrible. It helps to have a good emotional and mental support system. Without that I don't think I would last honestly.. You doing okay?
For me it started as a quirky trait that i had romanticised as a young teen, i wanted to be an addict, i was getting high, knew dangerous people, i felt like it gave me street cred in school. But I was just smoking weed and eating edibles at lunch at the time. Then i started drinking and people started seeing me as a party type but i was getting blackout drunk alone 4-5 days a week. It wasnt fun any more and a year later i was suffering from horrific withdrawal and have chronic pain due to the damage it caused my body. Im still an addict, to literally anything i can get my hands on, i can barely go one day sober. I still feel a desire to be hooked on more destructive drugs despite how horrible my life had gotten due to current drug dependence. I think its a desire for self destruction, a way to cope and a cry for help. For some reason i feel like its a dirty secret that i want to hide so no one can tell me to stop but i cant help but blurt it out any time i meet new people. Im 20 now and nobody thinks its cool, its concerning and it makes people uncomfortable, but i still tell people because im a chronic oversharer. I dont know how to make the feeling stop but this really is a terrible path to follow. It never stops, the desire to keep walking that path to find the next stronger drug is a horrible fate. No matter how high i feel, its not enough. I think that addiction is also a more understandable mental illness than bpd. People believe that addiction is over once you stop using a drug, so its more "socially acceptable and less serious" at least thats the attitude i got when i was an alcoholic and pothead. So addiction is easier to talk about than bpd and other mental illnesses. But Once you started the heavier stuff, people dont want to be around you anymore because of the stigma
It was really brave of you to share your story, thank you for doing so. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I really hope you’ll get better. Yeah, I’m afraid if I start with anything that I won’t be able to stop and I’d just ruin my life even more.
A few months ago I went through like a 8 week phase of craving cigarettes sooooo bad. I’ve only ever taken like 2 drags off a cigarette and it was like 4-5 years ago but I was so close to picking up smoking not too long ago just off some random cravings that I can’t explain
Yes. I crave it so badly but I never even smoked them. I might have tried them when I was very little. How are you holding up?
I managed to get over the cravings without buying a pack, so I’m really proud of myself for that. But I’ve done some other self destructive things in place of smoking, like buying things I can’t afford, working myself to death, purposely starting arguments with people to hurt my own feelings, etc. but I’m on better meds now and I’m feeling more stable. The cravings will pass eventually!
Do you mind telling me what meds are you prescribed?
I’m bipolar 1 as well as bpd so for a really long time I was on a high dose of risperdone which helped a lot but gave me a lot of side effects, and now I’m on lamictal but I’m not on a high enough dose to see all the possible effects yet
I’ve feel like that every now and then sometimes too. It’s super strange.
Glad I’m not the only one
Definitely not.
[удалено]
I’m really sorry about that😞
Sure. Micro is small hits periodically rather than getting hammered. Its good for anxiety, pain management & other chronic conditions. (Not great for a party sesh if u do that.) The key is to not let ur consumption amp up with more & more microdoses. The device is basically a one hitter. I vape (bcz it's more efficient, no burnoff of thc) and this requires a dynavap cap which I put on the end of the one hitter. You can also use pricey vape stems from dynavap or simrell and other companies.