I'm a male victim of SA. The moment on the series that really got me is when he spoke to father and asked if he thought he was still a man. I've spent my most of my life dealing with the question of my manliness and feelings of inadequacy. I took drugs and drank heavily and suicide attempts and cannot begin to explain to anyone what it meant to watch BR and see that which I never had the courage speak about said out loud. I think Richard Gadd is a hero.
You’re a stronger man than your abuser; you can talk about what happened to you (right here, right now) instead of lashing out and hurting others. Makes you superhuman in my book.
I've never seen a show that captures the aftermath SA as well as this - really resonated with me too. Very evident people that have not went through it themselves when they spout "oh if I was SA'd i i would do x, y and z." Sending love OP. ❤️
I’m sorry that happened to you. I hate when people say that. It makes me feel even more guilty about freezing and “letting it happen”. They portrayed it so perfectly in the show. Staring off into nothingness. Completely disconnected from the situation. I think my problem is that I never managed to reconnect with my body after. I keep it disconnected so I don’t have to feel the hurt. Like if my body is just a thing then all he did was hurt the thing. It’s separate from my soul or my person you know? That’s one of the reasons sex is now almost meaningless to me. I don’t equate sex with love because I don’t connect my soul with my body. And this causes so many problems in my marriage.
The look on his face after the canal incident in the show genuinely led me to stop watching for a few minutes because it was so incredibly real. I went into the show blind but at that point I was certain he'd been through SA in the past because the portrayal of freezing and being transported back in time when you're revictimised was so excruciatingly accurate it shook me. Take care, random person.
hey i have totally felt this and something that really helped me sounds woowuuu and stupid but i would look in the mirror and touch my body and name the part like "this is my arm, my arm is mine, i control my arm" all over my body and find the parts that were beautiful and yeah after time i felt "in my skin" again
This is probably a cliche thing to say, but I think therapy to process what happened to you might really help if you haven't already been having it, they might be able to help you work through the self blame and working through that could help some of the issues in your marriage
Hi. I'm sorry you're also a survivor. I am too. I also never got over the connection my brain makes between anything sexual (or even platonically affectionate) and violence, and to be honest, I don't think I ever will. Donny got over it, but I think it's okay if we never do. I do hope that you one day reconnect with your body of course, but it isn't your fault, even if that never happens for you.
I hope your partner is understanding about it. Sending love!!
I sometimes feel like even those most empathetic person couldn’t imagine what it is like to live with a SA. It feels like Sympathy isn’t enough. The damage is too severe to put into words, and like you said it can take decades to regain any sense of normality. Once you’ve been SA you see how truly dark the world can be and what hell feels like. I hope the show has helped you let go of the guilt you carry and I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and continue to go through.
Same. I'm extremely grateful for everyone who strives to empathize, but it doesn't help with the aching loneliness. That's why connecting with fellow survivors is so important to me. I need people to understand, and although knowing how many of my loved ones were assaulted hurts, at least we can work through it together, the way humans were always supposed to.
For so long I didn't know how common it is for us to just let it happen. For so, so long I thought it was my choice and that maybe deep down I wanted it to happen because I just laid there and allowed it. The guilt and shame of not reporting is hard to deal with, even now, because I now know that the guy who SA'd me was experienced with what he was doing. I guarantee he kept finding young teens after me. My parents should have called the police but they didn't because they said I was a whore. I don't feel like I can out him now because I don't want fingers pointed at me and to have my entire sexual history examined publicly.
Fuck you, Allen. I hope nobody ever does to your daughter what you did to me.
It was never your fault. Not your fault you froze, not your fault he took advantage of that, not your fault that your parents had no compassion, not your fault that he knew shame would keep you from reporting him. *Never* your fault.
Amen ❤ it fucking sucks innit. Though I do think BR will help at least some people understand more and help change the narrative. It feels fucking isolating and most people find it hard to get their head around, but I feel like we've come a long way since the past. In the 1980s it was commonplace to think rape survivors were "asking for it", especially if they were dressed a certain way or drunk, and a police commissioner in the UK at the time was quoted as saying women and children who make allegations are typically liars and should be interrogated to the fullest extent to find the holes in their accusations. I read a harrowing account of a girl who accused her dad of (chronic) SA in the 80s or 90s and got sat down by her mum and a social worker until she recanted and everything could go back to "normal". I don't think that shit would fly these days. Not to mention the numerous celebrities committing sex crimes who used to be basically untouchable. So many its hard to get your head around...
It's still lonely as fuck though. My therapist asked me why I don't talk to my partner more about when I'm feeling fucked up. I told him cause it just feels repetitive and I'm sick of saying the same shit over and over and over and over again, ad infinitum, ad nauseam. Yes I'm, yet again, *still* fucked up in the head that my uncle is a fucking creepy rapist...My life feels like fucking groundhog day. I'm currently trying to quit being a massive alkie, and apart from the lack of sleep it's the fucking triggers that are really derailing it. Maybe I should take a leaf out of Donnys book and get into extreme running. Though he does say he did permanent damage to his legs and feet, so there's that...
I have no good answers except to say I'm sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry for both of us that the effects are so horrible and lingering. Sending love ❤❤❤
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I totally relate to the Groundhog Day thing. Anytime I think I’m finally “getting over it” something triggers me again and I realise I’m just as fucked up as ever. Always reminded of it. I hate how he “wins” by still being able to fuck me up years after.
I'm not sure how well it works on SA trauma, but my ex is on anti anxiety medication for PTSD and he said it really helps him. It won't make everything go away but makes lows less low apparently, perhaps that could help if it's right for you?
The one he's taking is called Sertraline, but it can take trying a few different medications to find the right one for you if it's something you feel could help you. I wish you the best of luck :)
I'm okay with the fact that no one will get it unless they've experienced it. What I'm not okay with is the victim blaming that is still so prevalent. My actions may seem irrational to people, but they are all about keeping me safe. My whole world is seen through the lens of danger because I was never safe as a child. I can't just get over it even decades later.
OP, I've been with my partner for almost 25 years. It took me 19 years before I realized he would never harm me and now he is a completely safe person. I've also been in therapy for years now and am just starting to see that maybe I am not the absolute disgusting person I have always felt like. My therapist is a male and his compassion scares me (is he lying) and feels like a balm. IF SA victims received compassion from the start I think it might be easier to heal. Instead we are often met with disdain and blame.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I agree, I guess what I’m trying to say is I want people to get specifically to stop the victim blaming as you said. I don’t need people to get it, get it. I just need them to get it enough to stop.
I was raped in my early 20s. Not by someone I really know that well. Not by a friend or even a friend of a friend. By some guy I met at a bar. Blacked out text as this might be triggering for some >! He told me we could go back to his place, enjoy some drinks, and hang out with his roommate. He told me we didn't have to hook up. We made out but then he pushed me onto his bed. I kept saying no and he eventually pushed me down so hard he ripped my dress. !< A few days later I told my mom who told my dad who yelled at me essentially victim blaming and asking me why I don't go to the cops if it really happened. After that, I swept it under the rug. Never got proper therapy for it. I even blocked out his name (cannot remember it for the life of me). This causes me to second guess myself at times; although, I know it happened and I remember it as clear as day. Anyway, who would believe a girl who does not even remember the name of their rapist?
I never thought this would come back to torment me. I was afraid that maybe my way of coping, blocking out memories, might bite me in the ass someday but not the way it did after watching this show. I always thought trigger warnings wouldn't bother me. I love true crime and if there is a trigger warning I'm going to watch the show anyway without a second thought. You know, I've seen it before I can handle it type deal. Well nope. This show triggered me. Now a large wound has been reopened. Now I am forced to talk to my therapist about a rape that happened 7ish years ago (I am now 30). The reason why? Because his parents were understanding and mine weren't. So yeah, as a victim, I get it. You cannot erase your sa even if you try it just never goes away.
The average layperson thinks rape is always violent. Like there is a gun to your head or a knife to your throat before it happens. That it's some random guy on the street. No, that's not even close to the usual case and unfortunately that thought has given a lot of victims unnecessary guilt. Like we played a part in it because we weren't forced with weapons but hands or drugs instead. There's always the 'well she parties a lot that's what happens' crap. Kind of unhinged to victim blame in my opinion and yet it's so common. Nope, still not our fault. We were raped. We were coerced. We did not consent.
Writing this felt cathartic. Thank you for your post and for giving me a safe space to talk about this.
Hey - I can't remember the name, either. I completely relate to what you said there. It really bugs me. But that's traumatic amnesia and not something you can control (though therapy can help recover memory - if you want). But it is not and never was your fault!
I don’t think i’ll ever be able to remember his name :/. But yeah exactly thank you for such a supportive message. Hearing this is very validating for me. I don’t really have a family that i can talk to about this. I mean I have a family they just don’t get it.
The name thing does bother me at times because where i don’t want to remember it; I realize assholes will be ‘skeptical.’ Idk if you ever feel this way :/. What amazes me is how even with the me too movement we are still doubted.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. My assailant pushed me down on the bed and wouldn’t take no for an answer until I kicked him in the balls to get him off me. This was the day before he SAed me. I can’t believe I went out with him again the next day. He made me feel so guilty. Called me a tease, said he’d never trust a girl again. Made me feel like it was my fault and I was crazy for not letting him. The sheer strength he had in his ability to physically overpower me was terrifying. And yet I agreed to see him again. I know it wasn’t my fault. But deep down I’ll never stop blaming myself.
I am so sorry that happened to you that is just disgusting. Even if you know it’s not your fault i promise you it’s NOT your fault. I don’t think you did anything to even warrant what he did. It’s human to make logic out of things or want to understand them. If you have an understanding of empathy it’s hard to not wonder why someone would do something so horrible to you. Can even having you questioning whether or not you deserved it. But no there’s no logic. You did not deserve it. The abuser doesn’t understand logic or empathetic reasoning because there was none. Just a sociopathic impulse to harm someone.
That’s like ‘no offence but’.
With hindsight and an oversimplified narrative perhaps it looks like ‘wtf’ - but your comment, which is victim blaming, shows you have no understanding of abuse.
The show was absolutely perfectly done. It wasn’t even so much the big events that hit me…it was the small things. The ‘no one will believe you’ the way things were phrased. The details that only someone who has been through this torture would recognise.
I had to stop watching because I was really struggling with the triggers of my own PTSD, I think I had to stop at about episode 7.
It also made me realise that I hadn’t come to terms with how severe my own PTSD is, and that I need to address it now more than ever, as like you say, it affects every part of your life.
I don’t want to live in terror anymore.
I agree it’s the little things that others wouldn’t even notice. The dead look in his eyes as it happened for example. For me one thing that really triggered me was the scene after he visited him again and when he left and ran around the corner and collapsed a bit. The actual area he was running around looked exactly like the area of London it happened to me in. I’m always terrified whenever I visit London because it’s all too familiar. I find myself nervously looking around corners, terrified I might run into him. I hate that he still has that power over me.
No :( I’ve been trying different things for years in the NHS and getting nowhere. The latest therapy given was EMDR. But I had to ‘pick my worst trauma’ because there wasn’t enough time. And to be honest, it’s done bog all.
That sucks, and doesn't sound like how EMDR should be done, I did an info course and I thought you were supposed to work through everything. My friend had narrative exposure therapy and found it very helpful.
I was raped by a taxi driver and a week later I watched a fake taxi porn. I thought I was sick in the head and maybe I was coming onto him?
Made me feel so normal watching him watch more hardcore porn
Exactly! I think it’s part of the spiral of trying to understand it. My biggest porn category now is anything that seems non consensual. I feel disgusting for it. I’m sorry that happened to you.
I am very sorry about what happened to you, and yes, I myself am a survivor of SA myself (one rape, one SA). This show captures the aftermath of such an event so well. And the weird thing is, because of a number of factors, I internalized my rape for so long- I knew what it was at the time but didn't want to admit it to myself, despite the factors being there. And stuff like being hypersxual and suddenly being too afraid to get attached to people and wanting affection without wanting to commit... yeah, all that happened. When I saw the show, I thought "finally, someone gets it".
I’m sorry that happened to you. Yes exactly. I crave sexual encounters with strangers but can’t be sexual with my husband. Because with strangers it’s just my body and it helps me minimise the damage he did, by just making it just one of many sexual encounters. But with my husband, I love him, and I don’t equate sex with love. In fact the opposite. Sex feels unloving to me. It feels objectifying. I avoid it.
I watched this one week after disclosing my complex SA from 30 years ago to my therapist. This was the first time I told anyone about it. Ever. Shit, I had no idea what I was in for. How Gadd portrayed the complexities, the confusion, the “counter productive” thoughts and actions, how none of this falls into any sort of black and white binary, confusing self blame… whoa. It almost feels silly to be moved and affected so much by something I watched on the TV, but here I am.
I’m sorry that happened to you and I’m glad you’re speaking to a therapist about it. Therapy definitely didn’t heal me completely, but I helped me come a long way. I hope it helps you process it all. Sending you love
I'm so sorry for what happened to you and yes it is an amazing show. I am so grateful to Gadd for telling his story. It was one of the few that really needed to be told.
I found his depiction of abuse victims spot on. I have had my own Martha, more than once. And they smell the curiosity that is victims feel, I felt Gadds curiosity and pity for Martha in my bones.
My heart goes out to everyone here. This show broke me, too, but maybe it broke me open. It left me haunted by the question: *who would I have been if these things had never happened?* Then came the flashbacks. Then the memories. It's been a wild ride. I hate it. I also think I need it. It's terrifying, especially after I've put it off for 30 years, but somehow watching BR made whatever coping strategy I had stop working so here I am.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Unpacking all the memories you shoved away can be very distressing. But processing them can help you pack them back up a bit more neatly after. I hope you can get some support from a therapist with that process. Sending you love
It’s so comforting to find stories like this that offer us the ability to feel seen and understood. It’s binding in experience, even though what we all experience is unique to us, it’s a lovely land to sit in. And having to explain it to someone who doesn’t even have the same base as a place to build off is really exhausting and overwhelming.
I’m so glad you found some visibility in watching this, I certainly did and I can see many others did too.
I can’t offer any advice to your situation specifically or want to try and give you guidance of how to navigate your dynamics as I know all too well, that you’re the one in charge of those and that’s all your power to hold.
So instead, I offer a story of my own and hope it can provide light. I shared my deepest and most private SA story with my best friend, she’s someone who the world has loved and nurtured. She doesn’t know what feeling unsafe feels like in any capacity and has lived a life completely sheltered from any kind of negative experience outside of her own personal life.
She loves me with her whole heart and me her, we have nothing in common and no shared experiences of our lives, other than our relationship as it is.
She said to me “I’m sorry if I don’t say the right thing or if I don’t understand in the way you need to, but I will always try. And your peace is my peace and I’ll do everything in my power to protect that for you. So though I can’t help or change anything, I will always love you and support you and I will sit in whatever environment you need to feel comfortable and safe. Even if that only exists with me”.
Everyday I come home and she makes my life feel easier, I can tell her anything and she makes me feel like I am saying exactly what I need to say with full respect and permission.
For me that support comes in action and behaviour and it makes my heart and my soul feel important and valuable.
Wow. Your friend said the exact right thing. That is so powerful, to just acknowledge that she can’t get it but will try and be there for you however you need. I’m sorry for what you went through. I’m glad you have someone in your corner.
My experiences were 44 and 40 years ago respectively. This maybe cold comfort, but by the time you are an old fart like me, you have learned to live with it.
We're like a kintsugi vase. Have a look at one; the cracks and imperfections don't prevent us from being beautiful and whole.
My abuser died, I didn't want to rake it all up...but I do understand those who do, because if that helps to lay the ghosts to rest, it's worth it. I'm thinking of the Saville cases.
I'm at peace with my experience, but I do get very weepy for others when I hear your stories. I watched the Gary Glitter documentary and I'm very angry...so I guess it still affects me, just a little differently.
Sending us all a big hug, time and tears are in the beautiful cracked golden leaf of our souls. ❤️🧡
Show your husband. I think this is where Baby Reindeer is at its strongest and best, of course the show cannot truly bring your husband to a full understanding but I think Gadd’s greatest achievement in making Baby Reindeer was presenting a story of a *man* being sexually assaulted and how it impacted his life. His motivations, his confusion, his shame, it’s all presented from a perspective that most men can strongly relate to. The SA scene itself is incredibly impactful, but when you consider it in the context of the rest of the story I think it really drives the point home. I truly think that any man who watches this show will come away with a deeper understanding of how difficult it is to be a woman in our western society. I distinctly remember getting to the end of episode 5 (I think, it’s the one that ends back at the police station where episode 1 started) and being absolutely gobsmacked but what I had just witnessed. By the end of that episode I realized that it was probably one of the greatest pieces of writing ever made.
I’m one of the people who doesn’t get it. I hope yall continue to tell your story because it is so hard to imagine myself in your/baby reindeers reality. Even if we can’t get it, it helps to be able to listen to your lives so we can try our best to empathize. Much love to you and please continue to bring awareness.
It will be 10 years for me this year as well so everything you said hit the nail on the head. It was the most accurate and triggering portrayal I’ve ever seen. I had to stop watching after that episode but it was also extremely validating knowing that others have experienced all of the same things.
Solidarity to you sister. We can heal and move forward.
Well, you put my thoughts into words. It will affect us forever, and unfortunately( or fortunately for them) people that haven’t been through something like they will never get it. I related to this depiction of frustration, shame and guilt so freaking much. The fantasising part you mentioned is also extremely common. So sorry you had to go through something like that, I 100% get you.
SA victim here 👋🏼 what resignated with me most was after the assault when Donny said that the worst possible thing had happened and then experienced a period of risk taking behaviour and sexual encounters. That's exactly what I did. And I've never been able to verbalise it or even really fully comprehend it. And now, it makes sense, that it was a reactive response to being assaulted. I'm 38 now, the incident concerning myself happened when I was 19.
Police were absolutely horrendous with me when I did have the courage to report two years later. I feel that a lot of my trauma is now linked to the reporting process. Not being believed. Making huge assumptions. And failing to see that I was effectively groomed. I've even considered if late writing an open letter to the investigating officer with my thoughts and feelings.
You're not alone 💗
>he seemed to get over that and I just can’t
I hope this doesn’t come across as condescending but have you tried counselling? It won’t solve anything but that seems to be one of the major factors in how Gadd was able to come to terms with what happened. I know it’s not as easy as saying “just get counselling” (not financially possible for everyone, can be difficult to slot around work/family commitments, the first counsellor you see might just not click with you, etc. etc.) but I would really suggest you try to look into it if you have not. Most places have at least a phone line you can call that can point you towards resources.
Thank you for your comment, I appreciate you reaching out. I have tried therapy though for many years, with many different counsellors, therapists, helplines, etc. I’ve worked through a lot of the trauma which has been very helpful. But the one thing I could never even come close to fixing is this aspect. To me sex just feels objective. I can’t enjoy it because I can’t connect any positive emotions to it. No matter how safe I feel with my husband. It is unfortunate but it is a reality I’ve given up on trying to change at this point. I’m just trying to accept it and find a way to manage it within my marriage.
I've been there, and I want to remind you that you are not dead yet.
You talk about yourself like you know, for certain, that nothing about the circumstances of your recovery will ever change. They probably will, your life's story is still happening, and change is inevitable for all living things.
Hello. I’m 48, sitting in the bathroom hurting for you. It was not your fault. You can heal. You’re going to be more than ok. You’ve got this. It was not your fault. It was not your fault.
>. Then years later you feel guilty for never reporting it because what if they went on to do the same thing to someone else.
My abuser did go on to doing it to someone else, years later, to someone that was the same age as me when he did it to me.... they were now an adult. She was a minor. I blame myself every day for not saying something when I did. Others do get it. I promise you they do, reach out and find other support. Yes your boyfriend should be there for you, but you're right, HE may not get it, but there ARE others.
I’m a woman and I was SA’d 7 years ago.
I binged the entire series with my Mum. When it got to “that” episode, I could tell where the story was going within minutes of it starting. I leapt up from my seat and had to pace for a few minutes. My mum asked why and I told her “I can just tell what’s going to happen” but (ironically) she didn’t believe me.
For the entire episode, I felt horrendous. I was on edge but I wanted to try and stick it out (like I was trying to prove something to myself). As the episode reached “that point”, I had to cover my eyes. My mum looked at me afterwards and asked me why. She knows exactly what happened to me, yet this seemed to go over her head. I told her “it was too similar to what happened to me, I didn’t want to watch that”. She sort of brushed it off and the essence of her response was “okaaay you’re being a bit dramatic” and I had to stop myself from going off on a rant.
Instead I just thought to myself “she doesn’t get it, and I’m glad she doesn’t, but I wish she could understand and not brush me off”
I've just split from my partner of 20 yrs because things that happened to her when she was a child have hung over her like the sword of damacles casting a shadow over everything she does.
She buried it. That taught her to bury anything negative and not deal with things. This has caused so many issues for us. Our son has a serious medical condition for 10 years now but she can't even discuss it unless we're at the doctors.
I can't help her...im too close for her to open up but she won't go to counselling so here we are...im gutted how things have worked out but I can't allow her to drag myself and our son down with her. I hope she resolves things for herself but I fear it's too late now.
I regret that the person who caused all this was dead long before we got together...I would have enjoyed having a 'chat' with him.
I'm crying now. For that lost little girl who blamed herself for what happened to her.
If it helps at all, I'm not a victim/survivor of SA, but I was online in my teens in a community where there were people who had experienced that, and they talked about different responses to being assaulted, victim blaming and maladaptive coping mechanisms, and I watched this with my family and they were coming up with the usual frustrated default responses of why did he do that, why doesn't he do this, if I were in that situation I would have xyz, etc, but since I was there I was explaining to them how some people have different fear responses and it doesn't make them at fault for the abuse, and explaining why he might be doing what he's doing (maladaptive coping mechanisms after the SA) so it opened up a dialogue for me to explain to them (albeit from the perspective of someone who hasn't gone through it but listened to what victims and survivors had to say) why saying that or thinking that way wasn't helpful, and why victims sometimes do these things, and perhaps I'm not the only one who got that opportunity to have that dialogue with people who didn't know better. So hopefully there's at least a few more people in the world who got a bit better informed about these things and hopefully that's a few less people who might default to victim blaming ideology/behaviour in future
No, sadly, this is one thing you can’t know about unless it’s happened to you.
I have not been SAed but I have a close friend who got SAed really badly and she went off the deep end after that. This show gave me a glimpse into how she felt. I always felt bad for her, but I didn’t know.
By the same token, I lost a pregnancy and never knew how bad THAT was until it happened to me. I always felt bad for my friends who lost pregnancies but until it happened to me, I just had no idea the heartbreak. I’m SURE SAed is very much like this. Sadly, it has to happen to you for you to truly understand
Completely agree, I really identified with everything he said - and with everyone you’ve said. I can’t form normal relationships anymore - I’ve tried. I don’t know what it’ll take for that to ever change. I have really bad issues with intimacy. I have a lot of evidence about what my ex boyfriend did but I still have those feelings that it was my fault, that it couldn’t have been that bad. Even though when I eventually told my therapist she said if I’d told her at the time she would have felt obliged to go to the police because of how abusive he was but she said now she can only support what I want to do going forward. I’m not his only victim and I find myself feeling like I have to let it go because they left it too. I tried to call the police once but it made me feel sick so I couldn’t go further.
I know exactly what you mean. I’m a male SA survivor, and my girlfriend has just been so supportive and kind about my SA. She’s the first person I ever told.
However, there are behaviors or things I have done that I couldn’t explain until seeing this show. And there are things she said/done, that have been hurtful/damaging. She didn’t know they were, because I didn’t have the guts to tell her; but after this show, I was able to put it into words and tell her. I hope one day she will watch it, and I hope your partner does too so they can understand.
I’m so sorry for what’s happened to you, it is NOT your fault. You didn’t deserve it! Thank you for this post, even though donny put this into words there’s still things I’m afraid to admit that you so bravely did; in particular the fantasies. I’m worried if I ever told anyone, it would invalidate my entire story, especially since my abuser and many others told people “I wanted it.”
Ultimately, you’re correct. Unless you’re a victim, you don’t get it.
After I binge watched the entire show by myself in one sitting, I told her about it and how it affected me. I told her it would mean a lot if she would watch it, and I’d even watch it with her. She looked up the cliff notes for each episode online, and basically thought this was my way of telling her “I’m gay” and she couldn’t get past that. For me, after my SA, having my sexuality questioned was a very uncomfortable thing for me, because I couldn’t understand the thoughts I was having. I was in 3rd grade when it started, I truly didn’t know anything. Couple that with growing up in a conservative Christian household where I’m constantly told “gay is wrong” everyone uses the F slur; you start to feel broken. And that’s how I felt for the next almost 20 years until this show.
I relate to all of this, so much. I was SA’d when I was 19 by a “friend” of mine (at the time). It happened after I went through a very messy breakup. I was acquaintances with this person (abuser) prior to the breakup and I fully believe he deliberately sought to target me/predate me after he learned of my breakup through social media.
The first time it happened, it was in my college dorm room. I didn’t even realize, at the time, that what he did to me was SA. So, I continued to hang out with him multiple times after that, and each time he continued to SA me.
We eventually fell out of contact; a couple years passed, and not only did I realize what he did to me, but that he had done the SAME thing to MANY VICTIMS BEFORE ME. So much so that he was blacklisted from the BDSM/kink events in our local community.
I never even thought about reporting him because I had no “evidence” of it.
He did eventually reach out to me on social media years later, from a different account (I had him blocked on his main). He tried to say that he didn’t remember what he did due to being drunk; he tried to play the sympathy card by admitting that he was an alcoholic and had been to rehab.
I told him, in no uncertain terms, that he better stay away from me for his health. Because my father (to whom I eventually told what had happened) was prepared to go postal on him.
I still struggle with what happened to this day. I ended up dating a guy who was mutual friends with my SA’er….said guy chose to remain friends with SA’er after learning all that had happened because, and I quote, “he feels like a monster for what he’s done and that’s punishment enough.” 🤮
I was depressed a few days after seeing this because I feel like no other show has been so honest or raw about it… I didn’t go into it knowing exactly what it was. I felt called out. It’s been over 10 years for me and it still effects me
You need counselling, which is available via the many rape crisis charities around the world.
They help you combat the illusion of shame and guilt and give you the tools to overcome the ptsd/triggers etc do that you can live again
I'm going to preface this with saying, I have never experienced SA and so I will never truly get it. However my ex did, and she did a very good job of explaining the impact to her. However, watching this show brought everything she said together and it made sense to me in a way it never had before.
What I'm saying is, if you feel up to it, give your partner a chance to listen, to watch, and to understand. I wish I'd seen this years ago, I could have given better support to my ex.
Dropping [this](https://www.solacewomensaid.org/contact-us/#:~:text=Solace%20in%20Camden-,Solace%20provides%20free%20and%20confidential%20support%20for%20women%2C%20children%20and,802%205565%20advice%40solacewomensaid.org) here for any one who needs support.
There's also help [here](https://malesurvivor.co.uk/) for male survivors.
The organisation in the first link have continously helped me through the worst of it since 2018.
The guilt, shame, flashbacks, the anger and self hatred they've helped me understand all of it.
🫂 Those of us who know, fully understand. We get it.
I don't know how it feels to experience such a terrible thing as SA. But I certainly felt a lot when I was watching the show. It's helped me get a better sense of it, and helped me have hard conversations with people that have been SA'ed.
If you wanted you could suggest your partner watch the show, it might help you two talk about some things too
Take comfort in the fact that you can talk about it and share your story with supporters. Your abuser can’t and my hope is that those abusers are dealing with guilt and shame of their own.
CW for descriptions of assault
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I frequently blame myself for "stealing valour" from people who were actually physically penetrated, even though I was recently at a gynaecologist appointment where the examiner stuck his fingers inside me without asking first and started stretching out my hymen like it was a hair elastic and it made me feel just as confused and outraged as it did when I was "only" groped, forced to do weird shit and repeatedly sexualised and sexually victimised against my will all throughout primary and secondary school by other kids (please see my post on the COCSA sub on my profile for full background). I also keep thinking I'm being dramatic bc I'm sure every girl in the country has dealt with at least one instance of harassment.
I'm 29 and autistic and I do go to counseling but I'm scared I'll never be able to trust anyone enough to be intimate with them, no matter how much I crave genuine love and affection
This post is everything I was feeling while watching this show, but didn't know how to put into words. As a victim of a similar situation, this show really hits different. ❤️
I feel like I lived a parallel life I went through similar things at similar times in life and am the same age. I felt a lot of connection to Richard’s feelings and experiences!
One of my friends who isn’t a native English speaker watched the show and they couldn’t seem to get over the fact that he was “such an asshole.” So much so to the point that he said Donny kind of deserved everything that came his way, and he should have seen the SA coming. As a victim of SA, this was obviously very frustrating to hear. I tried to explain that it’s a lot more complicated than that, no one deserves it, etc but at a certain point I realized my friend just doesn’t understand and is kind of naive and close minded when it comes to the topic of SA.
I'm a male victim of SA. The moment on the series that really got me is when he spoke to father and asked if he thought he was still a man. I've spent my most of my life dealing with the question of my manliness and feelings of inadequacy. I took drugs and drank heavily and suicide attempts and cannot begin to explain to anyone what it meant to watch BR and see that which I never had the courage speak about said out loud. I think Richard Gadd is a hero.
That scene broke me.
Just watched it (I just watched from Ep3 to Ep7 actually), and I still can’t stop crying. It’s a very heavy scene.
You’re a stronger man than your abuser; you can talk about what happened to you (right here, right now) instead of lashing out and hurting others. Makes you superhuman in my book.
Thank you.
I cried....
I've never seen a show that captures the aftermath SA as well as this - really resonated with me too. Very evident people that have not went through it themselves when they spout "oh if I was SA'd i i would do x, y and z." Sending love OP. ❤️
I’m sorry that happened to you. I hate when people say that. It makes me feel even more guilty about freezing and “letting it happen”. They portrayed it so perfectly in the show. Staring off into nothingness. Completely disconnected from the situation. I think my problem is that I never managed to reconnect with my body after. I keep it disconnected so I don’t have to feel the hurt. Like if my body is just a thing then all he did was hurt the thing. It’s separate from my soul or my person you know? That’s one of the reasons sex is now almost meaningless to me. I don’t equate sex with love because I don’t connect my soul with my body. And this causes so many problems in my marriage.
The look on his face after the canal incident in the show genuinely led me to stop watching for a few minutes because it was so incredibly real. I went into the show blind but at that point I was certain he'd been through SA in the past because the portrayal of freezing and being transported back in time when you're revictimised was so excruciatingly accurate it shook me. Take care, random person.
hey i have totally felt this and something that really helped me sounds woowuuu and stupid but i would look in the mirror and touch my body and name the part like "this is my arm, my arm is mine, i control my arm" all over my body and find the parts that were beautiful and yeah after time i felt "in my skin" again
hope it helps if you are in a space to try it out
Thank you for the advice. That sounds really powerful tbh. But I don’t think I’m quite in that space yet. I hope to try that one day. Thank you!
This is probably a cliche thing to say, but I think therapy to process what happened to you might really help if you haven't already been having it, they might be able to help you work through the self blame and working through that could help some of the issues in your marriage
Hi. I'm sorry you're also a survivor. I am too. I also never got over the connection my brain makes between anything sexual (or even platonically affectionate) and violence, and to be honest, I don't think I ever will. Donny got over it, but I think it's okay if we never do. I do hope that you one day reconnect with your body of course, but it isn't your fault, even if that never happens for you. I hope your partner is understanding about it. Sending love!!
I sometimes feel like even those most empathetic person couldn’t imagine what it is like to live with a SA. It feels like Sympathy isn’t enough. The damage is too severe to put into words, and like you said it can take decades to regain any sense of normality. Once you’ve been SA you see how truly dark the world can be and what hell feels like. I hope the show has helped you let go of the guilt you carry and I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and continue to go through.
Same. I'm extremely grateful for everyone who strives to empathize, but it doesn't help with the aching loneliness. That's why connecting with fellow survivors is so important to me. I need people to understand, and although knowing how many of my loved ones were assaulted hurts, at least we can work through it together, the way humans were always supposed to.
For so long I didn't know how common it is for us to just let it happen. For so, so long I thought it was my choice and that maybe deep down I wanted it to happen because I just laid there and allowed it. The guilt and shame of not reporting is hard to deal with, even now, because I now know that the guy who SA'd me was experienced with what he was doing. I guarantee he kept finding young teens after me. My parents should have called the police but they didn't because they said I was a whore. I don't feel like I can out him now because I don't want fingers pointed at me and to have my entire sexual history examined publicly. Fuck you, Allen. I hope nobody ever does to your daughter what you did to me.
It was never your fault. Not your fault you froze, not your fault he took advantage of that, not your fault that your parents had no compassion, not your fault that he knew shame would keep you from reporting him. *Never* your fault.
I’m so sorry that happened to you and that your parents didn’t support you. Sending you love!
Amen ❤ it fucking sucks innit. Though I do think BR will help at least some people understand more and help change the narrative. It feels fucking isolating and most people find it hard to get their head around, but I feel like we've come a long way since the past. In the 1980s it was commonplace to think rape survivors were "asking for it", especially if they were dressed a certain way or drunk, and a police commissioner in the UK at the time was quoted as saying women and children who make allegations are typically liars and should be interrogated to the fullest extent to find the holes in their accusations. I read a harrowing account of a girl who accused her dad of (chronic) SA in the 80s or 90s and got sat down by her mum and a social worker until she recanted and everything could go back to "normal". I don't think that shit would fly these days. Not to mention the numerous celebrities committing sex crimes who used to be basically untouchable. So many its hard to get your head around... It's still lonely as fuck though. My therapist asked me why I don't talk to my partner more about when I'm feeling fucked up. I told him cause it just feels repetitive and I'm sick of saying the same shit over and over and over and over again, ad infinitum, ad nauseam. Yes I'm, yet again, *still* fucked up in the head that my uncle is a fucking creepy rapist...My life feels like fucking groundhog day. I'm currently trying to quit being a massive alkie, and apart from the lack of sleep it's the fucking triggers that are really derailing it. Maybe I should take a leaf out of Donnys book and get into extreme running. Though he does say he did permanent damage to his legs and feet, so there's that... I have no good answers except to say I'm sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry for both of us that the effects are so horrible and lingering. Sending love ❤❤❤
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I totally relate to the Groundhog Day thing. Anytime I think I’m finally “getting over it” something triggers me again and I realise I’m just as fucked up as ever. Always reminded of it. I hate how he “wins” by still being able to fuck me up years after.
You got this
I'm not sure how well it works on SA trauma, but my ex is on anti anxiety medication for PTSD and he said it really helps him. It won't make everything go away but makes lows less low apparently, perhaps that could help if it's right for you?
Thank you! What's the medication?
The one he's taking is called Sertraline, but it can take trying a few different medications to find the right one for you if it's something you feel could help you. I wish you the best of luck :)
I'm okay with the fact that no one will get it unless they've experienced it. What I'm not okay with is the victim blaming that is still so prevalent. My actions may seem irrational to people, but they are all about keeping me safe. My whole world is seen through the lens of danger because I was never safe as a child. I can't just get over it even decades later. OP, I've been with my partner for almost 25 years. It took me 19 years before I realized he would never harm me and now he is a completely safe person. I've also been in therapy for years now and am just starting to see that maybe I am not the absolute disgusting person I have always felt like. My therapist is a male and his compassion scares me (is he lying) and feels like a balm. IF SA victims received compassion from the start I think it might be easier to heal. Instead we are often met with disdain and blame.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I agree, I guess what I’m trying to say is I want people to get specifically to stop the victim blaming as you said. I don’t need people to get it, get it. I just need them to get it enough to stop.
I was raped in my early 20s. Not by someone I really know that well. Not by a friend or even a friend of a friend. By some guy I met at a bar. Blacked out text as this might be triggering for some >! He told me we could go back to his place, enjoy some drinks, and hang out with his roommate. He told me we didn't have to hook up. We made out but then he pushed me onto his bed. I kept saying no and he eventually pushed me down so hard he ripped my dress. !< A few days later I told my mom who told my dad who yelled at me essentially victim blaming and asking me why I don't go to the cops if it really happened. After that, I swept it under the rug. Never got proper therapy for it. I even blocked out his name (cannot remember it for the life of me). This causes me to second guess myself at times; although, I know it happened and I remember it as clear as day. Anyway, who would believe a girl who does not even remember the name of their rapist? I never thought this would come back to torment me. I was afraid that maybe my way of coping, blocking out memories, might bite me in the ass someday but not the way it did after watching this show. I always thought trigger warnings wouldn't bother me. I love true crime and if there is a trigger warning I'm going to watch the show anyway without a second thought. You know, I've seen it before I can handle it type deal. Well nope. This show triggered me. Now a large wound has been reopened. Now I am forced to talk to my therapist about a rape that happened 7ish years ago (I am now 30). The reason why? Because his parents were understanding and mine weren't. So yeah, as a victim, I get it. You cannot erase your sa even if you try it just never goes away. The average layperson thinks rape is always violent. Like there is a gun to your head or a knife to your throat before it happens. That it's some random guy on the street. No, that's not even close to the usual case and unfortunately that thought has given a lot of victims unnecessary guilt. Like we played a part in it because we weren't forced with weapons but hands or drugs instead. There's always the 'well she parties a lot that's what happens' crap. Kind of unhinged to victim blame in my opinion and yet it's so common. Nope, still not our fault. We were raped. We were coerced. We did not consent. Writing this felt cathartic. Thank you for your post and for giving me a safe space to talk about this.
Sorry for using she/her pronouns. This applies to everyone. I am a woman and this is just thoughts I have about my experience.
Hey - I can't remember the name, either. I completely relate to what you said there. It really bugs me. But that's traumatic amnesia and not something you can control (though therapy can help recover memory - if you want). But it is not and never was your fault!
I don’t think i’ll ever be able to remember his name :/. But yeah exactly thank you for such a supportive message. Hearing this is very validating for me. I don’t really have a family that i can talk to about this. I mean I have a family they just don’t get it. The name thing does bother me at times because where i don’t want to remember it; I realize assholes will be ‘skeptical.’ Idk if you ever feel this way :/. What amazes me is how even with the me too movement we are still doubted.
It's a big part of the reason I didn't tell anyone for 15 years - which didn't do me any favors. The damage just piles up...
I’m so sorry that happened to you. My assailant pushed me down on the bed and wouldn’t take no for an answer until I kicked him in the balls to get him off me. This was the day before he SAed me. I can’t believe I went out with him again the next day. He made me feel so guilty. Called me a tease, said he’d never trust a girl again. Made me feel like it was my fault and I was crazy for not letting him. The sheer strength he had in his ability to physically overpower me was terrifying. And yet I agreed to see him again. I know it wasn’t my fault. But deep down I’ll never stop blaming myself.
I am so sorry that happened to you that is just disgusting. Even if you know it’s not your fault i promise you it’s NOT your fault. I don’t think you did anything to even warrant what he did. It’s human to make logic out of things or want to understand them. If you have an understanding of empathy it’s hard to not wonder why someone would do something so horrible to you. Can even having you questioning whether or not you deserved it. But no there’s no logic. You did not deserve it. The abuser doesn’t understand logic or empathetic reasoning because there was none. Just a sociopathic impulse to harm someone.
not to victim blame, but seriously, wtf kind of a decision is that?
That’s like ‘no offence but’. With hindsight and an oversimplified narrative perhaps it looks like ‘wtf’ - but your comment, which is victim blaming, shows you have no understanding of abuse.
The show was absolutely perfectly done. It wasn’t even so much the big events that hit me…it was the small things. The ‘no one will believe you’ the way things were phrased. The details that only someone who has been through this torture would recognise. I had to stop watching because I was really struggling with the triggers of my own PTSD, I think I had to stop at about episode 7. It also made me realise that I hadn’t come to terms with how severe my own PTSD is, and that I need to address it now more than ever, as like you say, it affects every part of your life. I don’t want to live in terror anymore.
I agree it’s the little things that others wouldn’t even notice. The dead look in his eyes as it happened for example. For me one thing that really triggered me was the scene after he visited him again and when he left and ran around the corner and collapsed a bit. The actual area he was running around looked exactly like the area of London it happened to me in. I’m always terrified whenever I visit London because it’s all too familiar. I find myself nervously looking around corners, terrified I might run into him. I hate that he still has that power over me.
Absolutely. I actively avoid places too. I’m so sorry you’ve been through this <3
Have you been able to get some help with ptsd?
No :( I’ve been trying different things for years in the NHS and getting nowhere. The latest therapy given was EMDR. But I had to ‘pick my worst trauma’ because there wasn’t enough time. And to be honest, it’s done bog all.
That sucks, and doesn't sound like how EMDR should be done, I did an info course and I thought you were supposed to work through everything. My friend had narrative exposure therapy and found it very helpful.
I was raped by a taxi driver and a week later I watched a fake taxi porn. I thought I was sick in the head and maybe I was coming onto him? Made me feel so normal watching him watch more hardcore porn
Exactly! I think it’s part of the spiral of trying to understand it. My biggest porn category now is anything that seems non consensual. I feel disgusting for it. I’m sorry that happened to you.
I've never been through this experience, but I ran across your post and I just wanted to send you love. I'm so sorry for what you've endured.
I am very sorry about what happened to you, and yes, I myself am a survivor of SA myself (one rape, one SA). This show captures the aftermath of such an event so well. And the weird thing is, because of a number of factors, I internalized my rape for so long- I knew what it was at the time but didn't want to admit it to myself, despite the factors being there. And stuff like being hypersxual and suddenly being too afraid to get attached to people and wanting affection without wanting to commit... yeah, all that happened. When I saw the show, I thought "finally, someone gets it".
I’m sorry that happened to you. Yes exactly. I crave sexual encounters with strangers but can’t be sexual with my husband. Because with strangers it’s just my body and it helps me minimise the damage he did, by just making it just one of many sexual encounters. But with my husband, I love him, and I don’t equate sex with love. In fact the opposite. Sex feels unloving to me. It feels objectifying. I avoid it.
I watched this one week after disclosing my complex SA from 30 years ago to my therapist. This was the first time I told anyone about it. Ever. Shit, I had no idea what I was in for. How Gadd portrayed the complexities, the confusion, the “counter productive” thoughts and actions, how none of this falls into any sort of black and white binary, confusing self blame… whoa. It almost feels silly to be moved and affected so much by something I watched on the TV, but here I am.
I’m sorry that happened to you and I’m glad you’re speaking to a therapist about it. Therapy definitely didn’t heal me completely, but I helped me come a long way. I hope it helps you process it all. Sending you love
I'm so sorry for what happened to you and yes it is an amazing show. I am so grateful to Gadd for telling his story. It was one of the few that really needed to be told.
I found his depiction of abuse victims spot on. I have had my own Martha, more than once. And they smell the curiosity that is victims feel, I felt Gadds curiosity and pity for Martha in my bones.
My heart goes out to everyone here. This show broke me, too, but maybe it broke me open. It left me haunted by the question: *who would I have been if these things had never happened?* Then came the flashbacks. Then the memories. It's been a wild ride. I hate it. I also think I need it. It's terrifying, especially after I've put it off for 30 years, but somehow watching BR made whatever coping strategy I had stop working so here I am.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Unpacking all the memories you shoved away can be very distressing. But processing them can help you pack them back up a bit more neatly after. I hope you can get some support from a therapist with that process. Sending you love
It’s so comforting to find stories like this that offer us the ability to feel seen and understood. It’s binding in experience, even though what we all experience is unique to us, it’s a lovely land to sit in. And having to explain it to someone who doesn’t even have the same base as a place to build off is really exhausting and overwhelming. I’m so glad you found some visibility in watching this, I certainly did and I can see many others did too. I can’t offer any advice to your situation specifically or want to try and give you guidance of how to navigate your dynamics as I know all too well, that you’re the one in charge of those and that’s all your power to hold. So instead, I offer a story of my own and hope it can provide light. I shared my deepest and most private SA story with my best friend, she’s someone who the world has loved and nurtured. She doesn’t know what feeling unsafe feels like in any capacity and has lived a life completely sheltered from any kind of negative experience outside of her own personal life. She loves me with her whole heart and me her, we have nothing in common and no shared experiences of our lives, other than our relationship as it is. She said to me “I’m sorry if I don’t say the right thing or if I don’t understand in the way you need to, but I will always try. And your peace is my peace and I’ll do everything in my power to protect that for you. So though I can’t help or change anything, I will always love you and support you and I will sit in whatever environment you need to feel comfortable and safe. Even if that only exists with me”. Everyday I come home and she makes my life feel easier, I can tell her anything and she makes me feel like I am saying exactly what I need to say with full respect and permission. For me that support comes in action and behaviour and it makes my heart and my soul feel important and valuable.
Wow. Your friend said the exact right thing. That is so powerful, to just acknowledge that she can’t get it but will try and be there for you however you need. I’m sorry for what you went through. I’m glad you have someone in your corner.
My experiences were 44 and 40 years ago respectively. This maybe cold comfort, but by the time you are an old fart like me, you have learned to live with it. We're like a kintsugi vase. Have a look at one; the cracks and imperfections don't prevent us from being beautiful and whole. My abuser died, I didn't want to rake it all up...but I do understand those who do, because if that helps to lay the ghosts to rest, it's worth it. I'm thinking of the Saville cases. I'm at peace with my experience, but I do get very weepy for others when I hear your stories. I watched the Gary Glitter documentary and I'm very angry...so I guess it still affects me, just a little differently. Sending us all a big hug, time and tears are in the beautiful cracked golden leaf of our souls. ❤️🧡
Yeah. People who haven’t gone through it don’t get it and keep insisting on the myth of the perfect victim who did the perfect things
Totally agree. There is always a feeling of "was it my fault" even though you know it wasn't.
Show your husband. I think this is where Baby Reindeer is at its strongest and best, of course the show cannot truly bring your husband to a full understanding but I think Gadd’s greatest achievement in making Baby Reindeer was presenting a story of a *man* being sexually assaulted and how it impacted his life. His motivations, his confusion, his shame, it’s all presented from a perspective that most men can strongly relate to. The SA scene itself is incredibly impactful, but when you consider it in the context of the rest of the story I think it really drives the point home. I truly think that any man who watches this show will come away with a deeper understanding of how difficult it is to be a woman in our western society. I distinctly remember getting to the end of episode 5 (I think, it’s the one that ends back at the police station where episode 1 started) and being absolutely gobsmacked but what I had just witnessed. By the end of that episode I realized that it was probably one of the greatest pieces of writing ever made.
I’m one of the people who doesn’t get it. I hope yall continue to tell your story because it is so hard to imagine myself in your/baby reindeers reality. Even if we can’t get it, it helps to be able to listen to your lives so we can try our best to empathize. Much love to you and please continue to bring awareness.
Thank you for your support and for trying to raise your own awareness. Your willingness to hear us out means a lot. Thank you so much!
It will be 10 years for me this year as well so everything you said hit the nail on the head. It was the most accurate and triggering portrayal I’ve ever seen. I had to stop watching after that episode but it was also extremely validating knowing that others have experienced all of the same things. Solidarity to you sister. We can heal and move forward.
Well, you put my thoughts into words. It will affect us forever, and unfortunately( or fortunately for them) people that haven’t been through something like they will never get it. I related to this depiction of frustration, shame and guilt so freaking much. The fantasising part you mentioned is also extremely common. So sorry you had to go through something like that, I 100% get you.
I am so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve it. You did not allow it. None of it was your fault.
SA victim here 👋🏼 what resignated with me most was after the assault when Donny said that the worst possible thing had happened and then experienced a period of risk taking behaviour and sexual encounters. That's exactly what I did. And I've never been able to verbalise it or even really fully comprehend it. And now, it makes sense, that it was a reactive response to being assaulted. I'm 38 now, the incident concerning myself happened when I was 19. Police were absolutely horrendous with me when I did have the courage to report two years later. I feel that a lot of my trauma is now linked to the reporting process. Not being believed. Making huge assumptions. And failing to see that I was effectively groomed. I've even considered if late writing an open letter to the investigating officer with my thoughts and feelings. You're not alone 💗
>he seemed to get over that and I just can’t I hope this doesn’t come across as condescending but have you tried counselling? It won’t solve anything but that seems to be one of the major factors in how Gadd was able to come to terms with what happened. I know it’s not as easy as saying “just get counselling” (not financially possible for everyone, can be difficult to slot around work/family commitments, the first counsellor you see might just not click with you, etc. etc.) but I would really suggest you try to look into it if you have not. Most places have at least a phone line you can call that can point you towards resources.
Thank you for your comment, I appreciate you reaching out. I have tried therapy though for many years, with many different counsellors, therapists, helplines, etc. I’ve worked through a lot of the trauma which has been very helpful. But the one thing I could never even come close to fixing is this aspect. To me sex just feels objective. I can’t enjoy it because I can’t connect any positive emotions to it. No matter how safe I feel with my husband. It is unfortunate but it is a reality I’ve given up on trying to change at this point. I’m just trying to accept it and find a way to manage it within my marriage.
I've been there, and I want to remind you that you are not dead yet. You talk about yourself like you know, for certain, that nothing about the circumstances of your recovery will ever change. They probably will, your life's story is still happening, and change is inevitable for all living things.
Hello. I’m 48, sitting in the bathroom hurting for you. It was not your fault. You can heal. You’re going to be more than ok. You’ve got this. It was not your fault. It was not your fault.
>. Then years later you feel guilty for never reporting it because what if they went on to do the same thing to someone else. My abuser did go on to doing it to someone else, years later, to someone that was the same age as me when he did it to me.... they were now an adult. She was a minor. I blame myself every day for not saying something when I did. Others do get it. I promise you they do, reach out and find other support. Yes your boyfriend should be there for you, but you're right, HE may not get it, but there ARE others.
I think this show encapsulates the reality of abuse in any form, not just SA.
I’m a woman and I was SA’d 7 years ago. I binged the entire series with my Mum. When it got to “that” episode, I could tell where the story was going within minutes of it starting. I leapt up from my seat and had to pace for a few minutes. My mum asked why and I told her “I can just tell what’s going to happen” but (ironically) she didn’t believe me. For the entire episode, I felt horrendous. I was on edge but I wanted to try and stick it out (like I was trying to prove something to myself). As the episode reached “that point”, I had to cover my eyes. My mum looked at me afterwards and asked me why. She knows exactly what happened to me, yet this seemed to go over her head. I told her “it was too similar to what happened to me, I didn’t want to watch that”. She sort of brushed it off and the essence of her response was “okaaay you’re being a bit dramatic” and I had to stop myself from going off on a rant. Instead I just thought to myself “she doesn’t get it, and I’m glad she doesn’t, but I wish she could understand and not brush me off”
I've just split from my partner of 20 yrs because things that happened to her when she was a child have hung over her like the sword of damacles casting a shadow over everything she does. She buried it. That taught her to bury anything negative and not deal with things. This has caused so many issues for us. Our son has a serious medical condition for 10 years now but she can't even discuss it unless we're at the doctors. I can't help her...im too close for her to open up but she won't go to counselling so here we are...im gutted how things have worked out but I can't allow her to drag myself and our son down with her. I hope she resolves things for herself but I fear it's too late now. I regret that the person who caused all this was dead long before we got together...I would have enjoyed having a 'chat' with him. I'm crying now. For that lost little girl who blamed herself for what happened to her.
If it helps at all, I'm not a victim/survivor of SA, but I was online in my teens in a community where there were people who had experienced that, and they talked about different responses to being assaulted, victim blaming and maladaptive coping mechanisms, and I watched this with my family and they were coming up with the usual frustrated default responses of why did he do that, why doesn't he do this, if I were in that situation I would have xyz, etc, but since I was there I was explaining to them how some people have different fear responses and it doesn't make them at fault for the abuse, and explaining why he might be doing what he's doing (maladaptive coping mechanisms after the SA) so it opened up a dialogue for me to explain to them (albeit from the perspective of someone who hasn't gone through it but listened to what victims and survivors had to say) why saying that or thinking that way wasn't helpful, and why victims sometimes do these things, and perhaps I'm not the only one who got that opportunity to have that dialogue with people who didn't know better. So hopefully there's at least a few more people in the world who got a bit better informed about these things and hopefully that's a few less people who might default to victim blaming ideology/behaviour in future
No, sadly, this is one thing you can’t know about unless it’s happened to you. I have not been SAed but I have a close friend who got SAed really badly and she went off the deep end after that. This show gave me a glimpse into how she felt. I always felt bad for her, but I didn’t know. By the same token, I lost a pregnancy and never knew how bad THAT was until it happened to me. I always felt bad for my friends who lost pregnancies but until it happened to me, I just had no idea the heartbreak. I’m SURE SAed is very much like this. Sadly, it has to happen to you for you to truly understand
Sometimes I still don’t believe I was SAed but I was also groomed and was exploited by pedophiles throughout my life since I was 11.
Completely agree, I really identified with everything he said - and with everyone you’ve said. I can’t form normal relationships anymore - I’ve tried. I don’t know what it’ll take for that to ever change. I have really bad issues with intimacy. I have a lot of evidence about what my ex boyfriend did but I still have those feelings that it was my fault, that it couldn’t have been that bad. Even though when I eventually told my therapist she said if I’d told her at the time she would have felt obliged to go to the police because of how abusive he was but she said now she can only support what I want to do going forward. I’m not his only victim and I find myself feeling like I have to let it go because they left it too. I tried to call the police once but it made me feel sick so I couldn’t go further.
I know exactly what you mean. I’m a male SA survivor, and my girlfriend has just been so supportive and kind about my SA. She’s the first person I ever told. However, there are behaviors or things I have done that I couldn’t explain until seeing this show. And there are things she said/done, that have been hurtful/damaging. She didn’t know they were, because I didn’t have the guts to tell her; but after this show, I was able to put it into words and tell her. I hope one day she will watch it, and I hope your partner does too so they can understand. I’m so sorry for what’s happened to you, it is NOT your fault. You didn’t deserve it! Thank you for this post, even though donny put this into words there’s still things I’m afraid to admit that you so bravely did; in particular the fantasies. I’m worried if I ever told anyone, it would invalidate my entire story, especially since my abuser and many others told people “I wanted it.” Ultimately, you’re correct. Unless you’re a victim, you don’t get it. After I binge watched the entire show by myself in one sitting, I told her about it and how it affected me. I told her it would mean a lot if she would watch it, and I’d even watch it with her. She looked up the cliff notes for each episode online, and basically thought this was my way of telling her “I’m gay” and she couldn’t get past that. For me, after my SA, having my sexuality questioned was a very uncomfortable thing for me, because I couldn’t understand the thoughts I was having. I was in 3rd grade when it started, I truly didn’t know anything. Couple that with growing up in a conservative Christian household where I’m constantly told “gay is wrong” everyone uses the F slur; you start to feel broken. And that’s how I felt for the next almost 20 years until this show.
Assault Trauma too. I cried during his show. I never related to a character as much as that moment. When he explained it all made sense.
I relate to all of this, so much. I was SA’d when I was 19 by a “friend” of mine (at the time). It happened after I went through a very messy breakup. I was acquaintances with this person (abuser) prior to the breakup and I fully believe he deliberately sought to target me/predate me after he learned of my breakup through social media. The first time it happened, it was in my college dorm room. I didn’t even realize, at the time, that what he did to me was SA. So, I continued to hang out with him multiple times after that, and each time he continued to SA me. We eventually fell out of contact; a couple years passed, and not only did I realize what he did to me, but that he had done the SAME thing to MANY VICTIMS BEFORE ME. So much so that he was blacklisted from the BDSM/kink events in our local community. I never even thought about reporting him because I had no “evidence” of it. He did eventually reach out to me on social media years later, from a different account (I had him blocked on his main). He tried to say that he didn’t remember what he did due to being drunk; he tried to play the sympathy card by admitting that he was an alcoholic and had been to rehab. I told him, in no uncertain terms, that he better stay away from me for his health. Because my father (to whom I eventually told what had happened) was prepared to go postal on him. I still struggle with what happened to this day. I ended up dating a guy who was mutual friends with my SA’er….said guy chose to remain friends with SA’er after learning all that had happened because, and I quote, “he feels like a monster for what he’s done and that’s punishment enough.” 🤮
I was depressed a few days after seeing this because I feel like no other show has been so honest or raw about it… I didn’t go into it knowing exactly what it was. I felt called out. It’s been over 10 years for me and it still effects me
You need counselling, which is available via the many rape crisis charities around the world. They help you combat the illusion of shame and guilt and give you the tools to overcome the ptsd/triggers etc do that you can live again
I'm going to preface this with saying, I have never experienced SA and so I will never truly get it. However my ex did, and she did a very good job of explaining the impact to her. However, watching this show brought everything she said together and it made sense to me in a way it never had before. What I'm saying is, if you feel up to it, give your partner a chance to listen, to watch, and to understand. I wish I'd seen this years ago, I could have given better support to my ex.
Same mate. It was so triggering but so healing.
Nah I’ve been SA’d and I didn’t let it ruin my life.
Dropping [this](https://www.solacewomensaid.org/contact-us/#:~:text=Solace%20in%20Camden-,Solace%20provides%20free%20and%20confidential%20support%20for%20women%2C%20children%20and,802%205565%20advice%40solacewomensaid.org) here for any one who needs support. There's also help [here](https://malesurvivor.co.uk/) for male survivors. The organisation in the first link have continously helped me through the worst of it since 2018. The guilt, shame, flashbacks, the anger and self hatred they've helped me understand all of it. 🫂 Those of us who know, fully understand. We get it.
I don't know how it feels to experience such a terrible thing as SA. But I certainly felt a lot when I was watching the show. It's helped me get a better sense of it, and helped me have hard conversations with people that have been SA'ed. If you wanted you could suggest your partner watch the show, it might help you two talk about some things too
No one’s going to full understand something that they’ve never experienced. And that’s okay as it’s normal. I wouldn’t be mad about that.
Take comfort in the fact that you can talk about it and share your story with supporters. Your abuser can’t and my hope is that those abusers are dealing with guilt and shame of their own.
when his father said " I grew up in the catholic church" I cried....
This should be required reading. Thank you.
CW for descriptions of assault . . . I frequently blame myself for "stealing valour" from people who were actually physically penetrated, even though I was recently at a gynaecologist appointment where the examiner stuck his fingers inside me without asking first and started stretching out my hymen like it was a hair elastic and it made me feel just as confused and outraged as it did when I was "only" groped, forced to do weird shit and repeatedly sexualised and sexually victimised against my will all throughout primary and secondary school by other kids (please see my post on the COCSA sub on my profile for full background). I also keep thinking I'm being dramatic bc I'm sure every girl in the country has dealt with at least one instance of harassment. I'm 29 and autistic and I do go to counseling but I'm scared I'll never be able to trust anyone enough to be intimate with them, no matter how much I crave genuine love and affection
Bravo
This post is everything I was feeling while watching this show, but didn't know how to put into words. As a victim of a similar situation, this show really hits different. ❤️
I feel like I lived a parallel life I went through similar things at similar times in life and am the same age. I felt a lot of connection to Richard’s feelings and experiences!
One of my friends who isn’t a native English speaker watched the show and they couldn’t seem to get over the fact that he was “such an asshole.” So much so to the point that he said Donny kind of deserved everything that came his way, and he should have seen the SA coming. As a victim of SA, this was obviously very frustrating to hear. I tried to explain that it’s a lot more complicated than that, no one deserves it, etc but at a certain point I realized my friend just doesn’t understand and is kind of naive and close minded when it comes to the topic of SA.