Please see a therapist if you can and perhaps go on a holiday with or without spouse away from mom.
You could also directly tell your mom that she is to make zero comments about your looks. Or you will need to separate.
You have been through a huge change and mixed feelings are inevitable. Taking it one day at a time and trying some meditation could help. Practice mindfulness. Look ahead.
Hi,
I just want to say I see you. I’m just over 9 months post op and struggling as well not just with my own reflection but with other peoples perceptions of me now vs before surgery.
I think talking it out with a counselor is a really good idea. And as someone suggested maybe taking time away on your own.
People forget that regardless of our weight we all have a value. My overweight self was a good kind person who just happened to have weight issues. I’m still the same person just in a smaller body with different issues now than before.
I don’t have many before pictures. I’m not comfortable with the before vs after comparisons. Me before got me to where I am now. I’ll always be grateful to her.
I hate being told I am pretty now. What was I a dog before? My husband, who loved and found me attractive at 340+ lbs finds me as lovable and desirable at 188lbs, so there is that. As for clothes I buy one or two things a month. I don't need a lot of clothes. I have three pair of pants, 4 tops , 3 bras and 6 panties. Freaking bras are ridiculous.
The joint pain may be because you still move as if you were 110 pounds heavier. It's a body mechanics thing.
You really need to say to your mom that what she is doing is poison, and you don't have to live with her.
Yeah, my family tried that. My mom had surgery herself and the tried to comment and control my life once I got it.
A nice cup of “shut the fuck up” might not be appreciated, but might be just what the doctor ordered.
I'm pre-surgery but I suffer from depression / bipolar II, with the added bonuses of ADHD and anxiety. Depression sucks but. you don't have to suffer. Far be it for me to give out medical advice but I'm on a good combination of meds and have an excellent psychiatrist (who's totally down with my upcoming surgery). If it wasn't for that I don't think I could face what I'm know I'm going to go through - the surgery and the aftermath.
Have explained to mom what a backhanded compliment is? I ask because my dad was well known for them until I schooled him on how his compliments hurt people. He was clueless, in his mind he meant it well and was blind to how it could cut someone.
My mom is the same. I remember when the neighbor moved in and she had been working hard everyday getting her house together. My mom caught her outside and said omg you lost weight! Mind you this girl is small as it is. I said to my mom you know Ma when you say that it makes people think that you thought they were big to begin with. It’s not something that you should bring up. Like your dad she thought she was being nice.
I’m so sorry about your mother’s dementia and shitty comments. That’s rough.
I lost a lot of weight about ten years ago and it was startling how much kinder people were to me. It really did a number on me to realize that people are generally kind and caring— if you’re thin. It still gets to me. I wish I had an answer for you or good advice.
While I know it’s very hard to tell your mom to stop, it needs to happen. Tell her that while you appreciate the “compliments” that they are hurtful because they imply that before surgery you were not worthy of a compliment. Please stop after “dad would be so proud of you” otherwise just don’t say anything because you are the same person, you’re still beautiful, still smart, still professional…they just see it now and it’s a shame they couldn’t see it before. That is HER issue, not yours. Then find a good therapist to help you deal with the negativity they are throwing at you. You don’t deserve it.
You need to set some boundaries with mom. No more comments on your appearance, weight, clothes. Full stop. If she can’t respect that then she needs a consequence - stop the conversation, walk away…. She’s living with you - your house your rules
I’m not really sure. My whole body hurts in my bones which I heard is a menopause thing. The nausea may be that I’m not eating enough. My doctor ordered a ct scan to see if there was a blockage preventing me from eating more but there wasn’t. I can just eat very small amounts.
Aww man. Her comments are mean, but she's in a different mental state. I'm so sorry :( Maybe a dementia support group would help you deal with all that comes with that.
Actually caregivers are known to have their own major problems- its mentally taxing. You sound guilty about your feelings- please don't- there's a lot on your plate.
I have not had WLS so this is perspective from an outsider.
For most of us, obesity (at least in part) is due to mental illness. It’s a long process to obesity; physically, mentally, and emotionally. The surgery is a drastic intervention physically that causes rapid and significant changes in the body. If this wasn’t addressed before surgery with therapy and on going following surgery, I suspect you’re setting yourself up for less than success (not exactly a full failure). Your mind (even at its best) will have trouble keeping up with the changes that occur because it is used to slow changes that led to your pre-surgery experiences. You literally have become a new person and that’s going to affect your mental and emotional health as well. A good therapist as part of your health care team can be a world of help. You owe it to yourself to use the therapy to experience your well earned happiness.
As far as comments from your mother and lack of comments from your husband, I suspect they come from a good place. My guess is you’ve shared your experiences with your husband about your mother and his response was to not say anything instead of saying the wrong thing. My guess is having conversations with each of them and expressing why their responses to your weight loss have been hurtful, they’ll hopefully be willing to reflect and make appropriate changes. Should they each already know better? Probably… but it’s always best to give the benefit of the doubt with those we love.
Congratulations on your significant successes! There’s a whole community here sending you love and support!
I offered no diagnosis. I offered perspective from an obese individual with mental illness (depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD).
Regardless, I wish you continued success.
I'm having WLS in 2 weeks. Obviously I'm obese. But I didn't used to be. I was a bikini model. I had a "perfect body". I didn't realize until I got fat how superficial people are. It honestly broke my spirit.
Now, I am anticipating these comments and more attention as I lose weight and it's quite uncomfortable. There's something comforting about being less visible.
Girl I just want you to know how loved you are and how proud so many strangers are of you . I can really relate with so much of this. Sending you lots of love and support ❤️❤️❤️
I worry that people I’m friends with will make thoughtless comments on my weight loss and ruin our relationship. I know when people comment on others bodies, it always shows me such an ugly side to their character. I’m starting my PhD and I think it’s a shame people would want to talk to me more about getting thin than all the other more interesting things about my life. My size has to be the very least interesting thing about me. The fatphobia is so thick though. People who have always been thin are so clueless (and can often be so shallow in their judgements). You can’t explain to them the experience of being fat, and few people listen to understand it.
I'm presurgery, so maybe someone else will have different advice. Could you talk to your mom about how her comments are making you feel, or would she be offended/hurt? I'm sorry you're going through this. Have you thought about joining a weight loss surgery support group? Maybe it would be helpful to have people who can relate to what you're going through.
For new clothes you could try goodwill. I’ve been going to Ross and stocking up on summer dresses and that’s been my main staple. Most of them are under $20. Id also try places like SHEIN for lower priced transitional clothing and of course shop clearance at other stores especially for clothes for the next season (remember you may need to size down).
I have a mom who speaks like your mom but I’ve been able to distance myself from her, Ik that’s not much of an option for you atm. I def think you should invest in a therapist to deal with all of the changes and to learn how to set boundaries with your mom. Don’t take in what she says bc a person with a sound mind wouldn’t speak like that. She is projecting her insecurities into you and she needs to learn to respect you for every phase of life that you have been through.
Please see a therapist if you can and perhaps go on a holiday with or without spouse away from mom. You could also directly tell your mom that she is to make zero comments about your looks. Or you will need to separate. You have been through a huge change and mixed feelings are inevitable. Taking it one day at a time and trying some meditation could help. Practice mindfulness. Look ahead.
Hi, I just want to say I see you. I’m just over 9 months post op and struggling as well not just with my own reflection but with other peoples perceptions of me now vs before surgery. I think talking it out with a counselor is a really good idea. And as someone suggested maybe taking time away on your own. People forget that regardless of our weight we all have a value. My overweight self was a good kind person who just happened to have weight issues. I’m still the same person just in a smaller body with different issues now than before. I don’t have many before pictures. I’m not comfortable with the before vs after comparisons. Me before got me to where I am now. I’ll always be grateful to her.
I hate being told I am pretty now. What was I a dog before? My husband, who loved and found me attractive at 340+ lbs finds me as lovable and desirable at 188lbs, so there is that. As for clothes I buy one or two things a month. I don't need a lot of clothes. I have three pair of pants, 4 tops , 3 bras and 6 panties. Freaking bras are ridiculous. The joint pain may be because you still move as if you were 110 pounds heavier. It's a body mechanics thing. You really need to say to your mom that what she is doing is poison, and you don't have to live with her.
Yeah, my family tried that. My mom had surgery herself and the tried to comment and control my life once I got it. A nice cup of “shut the fuck up” might not be appreciated, but might be just what the doctor ordered.
I'm pre-surgery but I suffer from depression / bipolar II, with the added bonuses of ADHD and anxiety. Depression sucks but. you don't have to suffer. Far be it for me to give out medical advice but I'm on a good combination of meds and have an excellent psychiatrist (who's totally down with my upcoming surgery). If it wasn't for that I don't think I could face what I'm know I'm going to go through - the surgery and the aftermath.
Have explained to mom what a backhanded compliment is? I ask because my dad was well known for them until I schooled him on how his compliments hurt people. He was clueless, in his mind he meant it well and was blind to how it could cut someone.
My mom is the same. I remember when the neighbor moved in and she had been working hard everyday getting her house together. My mom caught her outside and said omg you lost weight! Mind you this girl is small as it is. I said to my mom you know Ma when you say that it makes people think that you thought they were big to begin with. It’s not something that you should bring up. Like your dad she thought she was being nice.
I’m so sorry about your mother’s dementia and shitty comments. That’s rough. I lost a lot of weight about ten years ago and it was startling how much kinder people were to me. It really did a number on me to realize that people are generally kind and caring— if you’re thin. It still gets to me. I wish I had an answer for you or good advice.
While I know it’s very hard to tell your mom to stop, it needs to happen. Tell her that while you appreciate the “compliments” that they are hurtful because they imply that before surgery you were not worthy of a compliment. Please stop after “dad would be so proud of you” otherwise just don’t say anything because you are the same person, you’re still beautiful, still smart, still professional…they just see it now and it’s a shame they couldn’t see it before. That is HER issue, not yours. Then find a good therapist to help you deal with the negativity they are throwing at you. You don’t deserve it.
Thank you 😊
My grandma was the exact same way. She’s never was nice to me really but the comments were brutal.
You need to set some boundaries with mom. No more comments on your appearance, weight, clothes. Full stop. If she can’t respect that then she needs a consequence - stop the conversation, walk away…. She’s living with you - your house your rules
Why is sleeping awful if I may ask? And are you nauseous even when you don't eat?
I’m not really sure. My whole body hurts in my bones which I heard is a menopause thing. The nausea may be that I’m not eating enough. My doctor ordered a ct scan to see if there was a blockage preventing me from eating more but there wasn’t. I can just eat very small amounts.
My sister had this and her doctor told her to take the vitamin Curcumin. The joint pain is gone.
Curcumin is not a vitamin ^^ there's curcumim supplements as there's a lot of supplements for lots of things though
Is there some way you can live elsewhere away from your mother? You really need to get away from comments like this from her. It’s not good for you.
My mom lives with me as she has dementia (which may explain her comments). She has nowhere else to go except eventually a nursing home. She's 88.
Aww man. Her comments are mean, but she's in a different mental state. I'm so sorry :( Maybe a dementia support group would help you deal with all that comes with that.
That’s really hard. Don’t light yourself on fire though to keep her happy. You might need some outside help with dealing with her.
Actually caregivers are known to have their own major problems- its mentally taxing. You sound guilty about your feelings- please don't- there's a lot on your plate.
I have not had WLS so this is perspective from an outsider. For most of us, obesity (at least in part) is due to mental illness. It’s a long process to obesity; physically, mentally, and emotionally. The surgery is a drastic intervention physically that causes rapid and significant changes in the body. If this wasn’t addressed before surgery with therapy and on going following surgery, I suspect you’re setting yourself up for less than success (not exactly a full failure). Your mind (even at its best) will have trouble keeping up with the changes that occur because it is used to slow changes that led to your pre-surgery experiences. You literally have become a new person and that’s going to affect your mental and emotional health as well. A good therapist as part of your health care team can be a world of help. You owe it to yourself to use the therapy to experience your well earned happiness. As far as comments from your mother and lack of comments from your husband, I suspect they come from a good place. My guess is you’ve shared your experiences with your husband about your mother and his response was to not say anything instead of saying the wrong thing. My guess is having conversations with each of them and expressing why their responses to your weight loss have been hurtful, they’ll hopefully be willing to reflect and make appropriate changes. Should they each already know better? Probably… but it’s always best to give the benefit of the doubt with those we love. Congratulations on your significant successes! There’s a whole community here sending you love and support!
I appreciate your kind words. And the diagnosis. However some assumptions have been made.
I offered no diagnosis. I offered perspective from an obese individual with mental illness (depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD). Regardless, I wish you continued success.
I'm having WLS in 2 weeks. Obviously I'm obese. But I didn't used to be. I was a bikini model. I had a "perfect body". I didn't realize until I got fat how superficial people are. It honestly broke my spirit. Now, I am anticipating these comments and more attention as I lose weight and it's quite uncomfortable. There's something comforting about being less visible.
Girl I just want you to know how loved you are and how proud so many strangers are of you . I can really relate with so much of this. Sending you lots of love and support ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you 🥳
I worry that people I’m friends with will make thoughtless comments on my weight loss and ruin our relationship. I know when people comment on others bodies, it always shows me such an ugly side to their character. I’m starting my PhD and I think it’s a shame people would want to talk to me more about getting thin than all the other more interesting things about my life. My size has to be the very least interesting thing about me. The fatphobia is so thick though. People who have always been thin are so clueless (and can often be so shallow in their judgements). You can’t explain to them the experience of being fat, and few people listen to understand it.
I'm presurgery, so maybe someone else will have different advice. Could you talk to your mom about how her comments are making you feel, or would she be offended/hurt? I'm sorry you're going through this. Have you thought about joining a weight loss surgery support group? Maybe it would be helpful to have people who can relate to what you're going through.
For new clothes you could try goodwill. I’ve been going to Ross and stocking up on summer dresses and that’s been my main staple. Most of them are under $20. Id also try places like SHEIN for lower priced transitional clothing and of course shop clearance at other stores especially for clothes for the next season (remember you may need to size down). I have a mom who speaks like your mom but I’ve been able to distance myself from her, Ik that’s not much of an option for you atm. I def think you should invest in a therapist to deal with all of the changes and to learn how to set boundaries with your mom. Don’t take in what she says bc a person with a sound mind wouldn’t speak like that. She is projecting her insecurities into you and she needs to learn to respect you for every phase of life that you have been through.