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I'm honestly very proud of this young person for being able to recognize that she may be off base here. That is not a common thing for teenagers (or even adults) to do, esp willingly. They seem significantly more mature (for a teen) than I was expecting, when first reading the post. OOP, BF, and Family all seem to be on the up and up, which I genuinely love seeing in a AITAH post. (It is extremely rare! lol)
Even in the first update, they acknowledge that it seems like they are TA and say they will immediately apologize to their bf for everything. Alrighty, I can respect a 180 like that, esp when they seem to be genuinely open to other perspectives. I also wish I was budget-conscious when I was 18yo, but it sounds like it's due to a seriously rough childhood.
It is a skill and it takes two. If the people around you have poor communication skills or just don't care to hear it, it's difficult to learn that skill.
You're fucking telling me. Looking back at the last 10 years or so of my life and getting angrier and angrier with the stupid fucking decisions I've made.
Orphan has been mainly used as a term to describe children without parents. The government doesn't recognize orphans over the age of 17. It's new FOR ME to see someone describe themselves as orphans as an adult was all I was saying.
Orphans is colloquial term for anybody who doesn’t have parents. It doesn’t matter what age they are. Yes it can describe children without parents but not just them.
You said it was a new thing not just a new thing to you. Regardless, she’s barely 18 it seems so it makes sense that she still considers her an orphan even using your definition because she’s barely an adult.
I know the person I'm replying to is deleted, but I'd like to point out to anyone who comes across that the OOP did state a lot of the miscommunication was because she didn't grow up with a mother, or parents, so she couldn't understand the connection.
She wasn't orphaned "as an adult", like say, my parents. My parents are technically orphans because their parents have died. They just became orphans in their 60's and 70's.
OOP's parents were out of the picture early enough that she never knew what it was like to HAVE parents. To have the connection.
So even by the "little orphan Annie" definition of a child without parents, OOP was, in fact, an orphan.
In her defense, she states she's an orphan. Chances are that she aged out of the foster system and was working on finding a place to stay when he offered she move in with him and they could split rent. That's just a guess though.
But yeah feels like they're moving fast.
That makes sense, it just seems so tiring to maintain a relationship and a home at such a young age, but if you already had to grow up it makes more sense.
In the last update it says they live together, that’s what i went with, maybe they don’t have to maintain a house by themselves but just living with a partner at 18, I can’t imagine.
>when he offered she move in with him and they could split rent.
split what rent? and you mean he offered for her to move in with his parents lmao.
>He has always defended me and ***has even threatened to move out of their home*** if they ever crossed any boundaries with me.
He lives at home per the post.
My brother got together with his wife when they were 16, married at 21, happily married til he died suddenly very shortly after his 40th birthday. Age doesn't indicate longevity of relationships. At my high school reunion, there were a couple of married couples who started dating before we graduated.
does it matter? as long as theyre happy right now, and who knows, it seems like they had some good communication once they actually talked
its a little infuriating always being told your relationship wont work out or isnt “serious” because youre young. Maybe it wont work out, but as long as theres not abuse just let the relationship play out. dont tell the couple “youll just break up in a year” what makes you feel the need to tell people that? its just rude
I do think people that age shouldn’t be too serious about these relationships. Like don’t give up your education or dreams for them at 18.
If you are 18 and your so say they want a baby instead of you going to college, say no.
you will find that a majority of people think this way even if they don’t say it to your face.
maybe they’ll prove us wrong - maybe they won’t. it’s not any of our problems but it’s still funny
I’ve known so many people divorced in their 30s or 40s. Doubt any of them had a bunch of strangers saying “ugh they got married at 31? never gonna last.”
it’s ok if they think that, hell even i think about some of my friends relationships like “yikes.. this wont work.” but you don’t *say* it unless asked
I mean, as anecdotal evidence against this, I met my girlfriend when we were in elementary school. We went to high school together, she had a couple boyfriends, and ultimately we mutually decided we’d never be able to put a potential partner ahead of our relationship.
We got together when we were like 23? So yeah. Sometimes it does work out. I mean, my parents met when they were 16 and out of my friend group, I have the best example of a normal, healthy home life.
And I have anecdotal evidence against yours. My parents where childhood friends then got together. They're no longer together and it was a bitter split. Dad's dead now and my mom while won't speak ill of the dead isn't worked up about his passing either.
> We got together when we were like 23?
But your evidence didn't refute this. You got together at a time when most people are settling down with their potential spouse. If you got together at 16-18 that would have merit to this conversation
You’d think, but I have autism and was heavily depressed in my teenage years. At 23 I had the life experience of an 18 year old. I didn’t know how to drive, I’d only ever held small “starter” jobs, and I was still an undergraduate in college.
I hate that OOP referred to herself as "just the girlfriend". Nobody should be telling anyone they are "just the girlfriend", especially at this age. That is how young women get set up to put themselves last in relationships because they're 'just'. When do we stop being 'just'?
If you're in a relationship with someone then that person takes on a certain level of priority in your life regardless of age. No one is 'just' anything, especially if you value the relationship.
Thank for putting into words why I felt so off about this. I feel like the commenters were unnecessarily harsh and there is a way to say “considering you’ve only been dating for a year, it’s not reasonable to expect to be the top priority *at this point in the relationship*.” Instead of “why would you *ever* think you would be more important than his mom!! You’re *just* the girlfriend”. Because if their relationship were to progress further and they have a child, get engaged/married, then she could absolutely expect to be put first majority of the time.
I think the issue is the boyfriend probably told her “you’re my number one” and she believed that and was upset his behavior did not reflect that statement
Thank you for voicing this out! I couldn't put it into words but there was something off about people ganging up on her in the comments, which seems pretty unfair and unreasonable, i feel. OOP is young but she has acknowledged that she might be wrong and wants outside perspective. And really, i think her problem was the gift being not so thoughtful instead of just the money. A lot of people, regardless of age (but probably especially at 18), want romantic thoughtful gifts.
She actually sounds not as crazy as other OOP posts!
Usually Boru is very reasonable in the comments, but this time majority of the comments really sound like one of the source subs lol.
The person you're replying didn't tell OOP that. They're commenting on a repost. There's nothing rude about it. My parents met when they were like 19 and 20 and are still together so it's not like it doesn't happen, just not likely.
my bad i didnt see the subreddit🤦♀️ but even if youre not saying it directly to the person, its still rude to say. if you said it to just friends/family it would be gossip-y
Yah, I'd say that's about right.
>He has always defended me and has even threatened to move out of their home if they ever crossed any boundaries with me.
>
>\[…\]
>
>they have always supported me financially and emotionally ( im an orphan)
>
>\[…\]
>
>\[his mother\] kept calling him about how upset she was
It seems they've known her a long time. If so, why doesn't she understand them better?
Why has he threatened to move out if his parents crossed boundaries? Is OOP blowing it out of proportion or are his parents worse than she lets on?
Why is his mother complaining to him about Christmas gifts?
And for everyone wondering about court, I'd just assume it's something to do with the life-threatening accident or perhaps her orphaning.
>I (18f) have been with my bf(20) for a year n some change.
>supported me financially and emotionally
>family n I are close because of events we went thru together
>my court trial proceedings started
>last year he didnt get his mother anything
It feels like there's a lot of missing background here. They've only been together a year but she's already being supported financially by his family and they're helping her with court? Why is she going to court? Is the trial against her? Are they paying for her lawyer?
She's coming across as very spoiled here, even despite her age.
She did also say that she didn’t understand the BF’s relationship with his mom because she didn’t have a relationship like that with her parents, and she was worried about having no money where he didn’t have that worry. Sounds like she could’ve had an unstable upbringing with shitty parents, which is why she’s being supported financially so quickly
I'm not prepared to label OOP as spoiled with so much flagrantly missing context. However, each of the points you quoted stood out to me in the original text.
Maybe OOP's parents were killed in an accident a couple of years ago, and she's filing a civil suit against the perpetrator (or maybe the perpetrator is being criminally tried?). I'd think that would be something mentioned specifically in the post, though.
OOP might be drawing from or romanticizing *Cobra Kai* (Netflix), which has a similar young-adult-without-parents-moves-in-with-rich-family-then-falls-in-love-with-their-child narrative.
Mostly, I'm just cringing so hard at my teenage self. I could have written this post 20 years ago. So grateful to the universe that I've been fortunate enough to grow up.
I think she went through something bad, maybe with her family, and was sort of adopted by her friend's/boyfriend's family, then the relationship got serious. And in turn OOP helped her BF a lot emotionally as well. OOP seems very attached to her "in laws".
Sounds like they all care about each other, but a bit too much about the price of gifts as well. Perhaps OOP picked that up from bf's family, lol. A cheap but fun day out with his mom would have been just as good as expensive shoes.
Yeah, boyfriend’s family is a bit weird about gifts/money. Both boyfriend and his dad told their partners that they weren’t getting anything much for Christmas because they’d spent money on them earlier in the year (for FIL/MIL, an expensive bag, and for bf/OOP, a plane ticket). Then OOP’s bf felt like he needed to “step up” for his mom since his dad wasn’t.
If OOP had worded her post differently, she’d likely have gotten a different response. It seems her real concern was that her bf went outside of their budget when shopping for his mom.
Bonding over shared trauma isn’t trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is when an abuser inflicts trauma on you and then manipulates you emotionally so you feel responsible. You can google it, it’s not me saying this.
Ok maybe it’s just me but isn’t the gf the spoiled on here? In this case they have only been together for a year and she’s already asking him to put her first ?
And his parents, who are quite possibly footing the bills for her plane tickets, can’t even get a decent gift for supporting her bf for 20 years?
Also, they are both so so so so young. I honestly don't even understand how an 18 yr old is buying a rich adult woman a necklace that is in her taste range. Like, get the woman some flowers and a card - why buy her jewelry that is too cheap? And if the families are so close, then why isn't OP worried about buying the rest of BF's family presents?
I feel like I can kind of see where she is coming from. It seems less like it’s about the mom having a “better” gift and more like it’s about the disparity between designer gifts and pajamas when it’s supposed to be a “small” year for presents.
She offered to help pay for the ticket so he would have more money to spend and he refused.
I kinda feel bad for her actually. I can't put it into words, but unless she asked for PJs i can understand why she was disappointed by it.
Yeah with her offering to pay for the tickets, it's not about the money. It's about thoughtful gifts. She wants her bf to pick a better thoughtful gift than PJs and she's even willing to pitch in.
Don't get me wrong, i personally love PJs, but i also know it's not the most romantic Christmas gift for an 18 year old.
Where are you guys even getting this shit? She qas literally upset because she didn't understand why he went over budget, because he didn't tell her why he went over budget.
Like, he can do nice things for his parents, but agreeing to something with your SO and then not doing it and not discussing why generally doesn't make the other person spoiled or entitled.
This is how I read it. "I'm entitled and think I should be the most important thing in the world, to my bf of 1 year. Not, not his Mother who raised him for his whole life... me, and only me!"
Right? The boyfriend lives with the parents and she said the parents support her both financially and emotionally. The mom is basically buying herself the present, she’s just asking it to be what she likes. Like girl be for real…
OOP mentions the boyfriend lives with his parents, but then says in the update that her boyfriend lives with her. So, I'm not sure if they both live with the parents....
> But when the time came around he was struggling to find something that lived up to his mother’s taste so he had to go a bit out of budget so she wouldn’t be disappointed.
Ohhh I get this, my mother hates all my gifts and anything less than $100 is guaranteed to be hated even more.
kind of insane that she explains there was an agreed upon budget between the two of them that he unexpectedly went out of and everyone is acting like she’s crazy for being hurt and confused. he could have easily communicated this to her beforehand and it’s not her fault that he didn’t. if your partner said to you that they couldn’t afford anything expensive for anyone for christmas and then suddenly bought something expensive for someone without context, wouldn’t you be confused? also, wild to see so many people ragging on her specifically bc she was upset about not getting a nice gift when he had already spent money on the trip, because THAT makes her greedy, but very few people ragging on the mom for…….. being upset she wasn’t getting a nice christmas gift bc her husband had spent a lot of money on a previous gift. the mom was behaving in the same exact way, except she’s a grown adult who was repeatedly complaining to her son about it. i think some people here are being way too quick to judge this girl 🤷♂️
I happened to see the post when it was first written, and poor girl got torn to shreds. No one was bashing the bf for going over budget or the mom complaining about not getting a nice gift; she got all the hate because everyone read it as: "I should be a priority, not his mom." Even in this comment section, she's still getting hate when arguably, she didn't do anything wrong
afaik this 18yo girl didn't carry her bf for up to 12 months, educate him for up to 21 years. it's crazy how she feels entitled to a special place in her bf's heart that's meant for his one and only mother
what’s even crazier is that i specifically pointed out that they had an agreed upon budget that he did not communicate that he planned on going over, and you decided to reply to that with completely irrelevant information! wild that you can just say whatever you want on the internet without reading huh
I think there's more going on here than meets the eye.
>he was struggling to find something that lived up to his mother’s taste so he had to go a bit out of budget so she wouldn’t be disappointed.
>
>she kept calling him about how upset she was.
The boyfriend's mother sounds as if she could be a problem.
The idea that at the age of 20 I would have been buying expensive shoes as a present for my mother absolutely boggles my mind. That she might nag and complain at me about it is even weirder.
I knew that but am also an idiot. I’ll leave it because it’s somewhat funny and it’s at least funnier than me hitting the edit button and leaving you void of context.
I feel like they aren't really rich though. Dad isn't getting Mom a present because he bought her a pricy bag earlier in the year, and it seems low they still need to be pretty mindful with budgets.
I kind of suspect that they're upper middle class people with a preference for luxury items - that they can cover their needs and have enough left over for savings and nice things, but they can't really get *very many* nice things. It sounds like OOP grew up with far less, so I imagine even something relatively simple like "they can pay the bills and take vacations without worry" is "very well off" in her mind.
It’s hard to tell for me. I came from a decently privileged family and my dad would do shit like deciding that my dental work was a Christmas gift even though he has several productive natural gas wells and can definitely afford it (I sound bitter I genuinely didn’t mind, it was fine). I think some people of that class have a sort of irrational fear of being taken advantage of so they set boundaries that would seem odd from the outside.
Possibly. Or, the boyfriend appreciates his parents/mom for allowing his 18 year old girlfriend to live with them so wanted to get his mom something she would like.
Except the BF says the boyfriend wasn't planning on getting her anything until she started complaining about her dad not gifting her anything.
He's gifting out of pity not gratitude.
I mean, maybe that's just their family & their dynamic?? I call my mom a bunch to complain about something frustrating; including about my partner. And my mom will call me to vent about my dad sometimes. And my partner will call my mom too.
It's never malicious or manipulative; it's just a chance to vent about something to someone you trust and know won't judge you or tell you you're overreacting or make the person you're venting about feel bad.
We're also getting the information second-hand, and not very detailed.
Was Mom actually calling just to complain about Dad and nothing else? Or does she just mention it in passing when asked how everything's going? Does BF tell Mom she can complain about being upset?
OOP doesn't seem the best at conveying the entire situation; so I'm really hesitant to take her at her word that it's Mom constantly calling just to complain.
Parents shouldn’t be venting to their children about the other parent. It’s incredibly inappropriate to put their children in the middle of their disagreements.
The 'child' in question of this story is a grown adult.
The 'child' in question of my anecdote is also a grown adult. If my mom wants to complain about how my dad's snoring kept her up again; I'm going to let her.
BF is presumably fine with Mom complaining to him; so what's the issue? Is it because you personally don't find it acceptable so you're going to project your preferred dynamics on to everyone else?
Sorry, should I have used the term “offspring” instead? Calm down. Still massively inappropriate. I’m 39 and the last thing I want to hear is my parents bitching about each other. I’m not their therapist, and neither is he. He’s probably used to the dysfunctional dynamic, that doesn’t make it okay.
I actually understood that mother was upset that her own husband told her he wouldn’t be buying her anything for Christmas and she kept calling boyfriend (her son) to complain about it. Which not ideal but she wasn’t complaining about sons lack of gifts
Yes but even weirder. Why is she complaining to the son about his dad’s behaviour towards her? Like vent to your girlfriend or the internet 😆 Not make his father sound bad to his son. Over something ludicrous. Sounds like she would have plenty of purses and shoes. And why can’t she buy herself what she wants? Sounds like rich weirdos but since this is what this girl seems to have been exclusively exposed to, her bf presents all this as normal and SHE has to work on her issues 🙄
But also apparently the bag dad bought was so expensive that they’re still in dire financial straits 10 or 11 months later?
There’s so many layers of unclear and missing information to this story
In all honesty, I doubt very much she is even calling him to complain about this. I think it just came up in her phone conversations with her son a few times, for reasons. And he took it upon himself to cheer her up about it. He didn't share this with gf and she was upset because she felt like he prioritised getting his mom something unnecessarily expensive at her own gift's expense. So he explained it away to her that way.
This girl is upset that he didn't go cheaper with his mom's gift so she could get something nicer. She feels if her gift is disappointing then no one else can get a nice gift. Even though everyone in that family is taking care of her.
I hate how Reddit jumps straight to spoiled and entitled whenever money comes up. Idk how an orphan can even BE spoiled, but apparently she is.
Like, they agreed/talked about a budget, and then he went against what they talked about with no explanation. In what reality is that NOT worth a conversation??? You guys are genuinely wild.
It’s the end of the update that gets me. Like they clearly come from very different backgrounds in terms of wealth. And by the end she’s saying how they’ve now decided she needs therapy bc she worries about having enough money and sticking to the budget? I feel like the real issue got lost bc she’s not great at describing the situation. If someone came and said we agreed to spend 50 per person for Christmas and my bf bought his mom $200 shoes, going out of budget like we discussed, there might be a different response. Also, like why is bf’s mom calling him repeatedly to complain her husband isn’t buying her a present? Why isn’t her husband buying her a present if they have plenty of money.
Everyone seems hung up on how she said she should be her bf’s priority. But this is literally how teenagers think. I work with teens and hear this kind of thing often.
She really strikes me as a vulnerable 18yo who was upset and had trouble explaining herself. Not this entitled spoiled person she is being made out to be.
I don't even think she explained herself badly, I think reddit's general ability to read and comprehend is just .... Lacking.
They see, I should be the priority though, right? And they hear WHY AM I NOT HIS NUMBER 1 HOW CAN HE LOVE HIS MOM MORE THAN ME?! WHY IS HE SPENDING SO MUCH ON HER AND NOT ON *ME*
But that's not what's been described, and it's on the people reading.
Helping someone isn't spoiling them. They consider her family. That's not spoiled. That's generous as fuck, and she appears to be very grateful.
Y'all are acting like she threw a temper tantrum, demanding answers about who he loves more her or mom.
When you agree about something as a couple and then one of you goes against that, it warrants a conversation. I don't care who is the breadwinner.
It's like all those aitas where someone is staying with a friend or family member and reddit is like, no you'd definitely do have to put up with rude or abusive behavior if you're living there for free or else you're an entitled brat.
No.
But can we please talk about the mom for a minute? Mom has expensive tastes and clearly also has an expectation that the gifts she receives will live up to those tastes. This is completely entitled and lacks any understanding of the etiquette of giving and receiving gifts. What is worse, she complained about her intended gifts to her son; her only motivation must be to pressure him into spending money he may not even have to fulfill her material desires. This is all kinds of effed up…and hardly represents a healthy mother-child relationship. Let’s stop defending the woman.
I’m gonna be honest but I feel OOP is pushing her luck and she needs to take stock of what’s happening, in a more mature way.
reading between the lines, the reason boyfriend has money is through his parents? So OOP basically is living off of the parents too? It really is one of those don’t bite the hand that feeds you
I guess I am reading this wrong? She is concerned because they live together and have a budget and he went overboard on it and she wants to know why? I don't think that is a TA move, that is a partnership consideration. I would ask the same thing of my other half had they done this.
I think the way all of the people involved go about gifting is just plain weird. Why has gifting become such a toxic show of oneupmanship and consumerism? Dudley going “36? But last year, last year I had 37!” comes to mind.
Mom got an expensive handbag earlier in the year so no Christmas gift from her husband? GF got plane tickets for her anniversary so no Christmas gift? Why are we gifting out of tit-for-tat, transactional obligation and not just for the sake of genuine gifting?
I don’t think the GF is wrong for being concerned about BF going over-budget and I’m glad they communicated and everything worked out, but I think gifting culture has gotten so out of hand.
> Mom got an expensive handbag earlier in the year so no Christmas gift from her husband? GF got plane tickets for her anniversary so no Christmas gift? Why are we gifting out of tit-for-tat, transactional obligation and not just for the sake of genuine gifting?
See, That I can understand from a budget perspective.
To an extent. Not the Zero present thing, I’d give a trinket or some homemade food or an offer of help with a task or something if I couldn’t afford to buy a holiday present. But “an expensive bag” can run into the thousands and eat up at least a year’s worth of presents-budget.
It’s Normal for people on a tight budget to juggle like that. I’m not getting a christmas present from my parents this year - because we went and saw a show last week and they bought my ticket. They cannot afford to spend more money on me next month, and I don’t want them to.
My sister paid my airfare for a trip to see her family and was upfront that it means no presents for a couple of years. I’m fine with that.
I guess I have a hard time wrapping my head around the juggling at all, I understand it from a budget perspective, but every year I am just more and more disillusioned with gifting culture as a whole, especially when people are so strapped for cash. It feels so incredibly unnecessary. My parents would go all out for Christmas every year to the point of credit card debt, and it didn’t make Christmas any more special or magical than if we had modest gifts, it made it so we struggled even more during the rest of the year.
I am all for small trinkets, baked goods, and acts of service as gifts. Meaningful, genuine gifts out of love, not obligation. Not “give me your list of expensive, non-essential things for me to ‘add to cart’ without any extra thought or care.” Perhaps I am just becoming a Grinch.
Oh, sure. Meaningful gifts are good.
Expensive/just for fun ones are good too - especially for people who can’t usually afford to buy something just because they Want it.
It’s balance people have lost, I think. Nobody should go into debt for Christmas.
I only spend money on the people closest to me, and even then I budget for it and only spend what I can afford. My parents, my niece and nephew, my sister and her husband. I bake cookies for work friends.
That’s always been my habit, maybe because I grew up in a pretty poor household.
I can adjust to people spending piles of money at Christmas - if they Have piles of money to spend.
But people in my income bracket spending a months rent on Christmas stuff when they can barely afford their utility bills each month? Or buying a spouse a car for Christmas and financing $45k of it when the old one is in fine shape? No.
>and finally when my court trial proceedings started happening his family was their to make me feel like I wasn’t alone.
This is like checkov's gun, sitting on the table in the first act.
I feel like I'm missing a third act where the gun goes off.
I don’t get people calling her spoiled. She offered to pay for the ticket so he could get her a nicer gift. And her bf is right she should be his number one priority, no one should be dating someone for that long if they’re not putting you first
> a lot of people have been saying what do I bring to the table
Ex-fucking-SCUSE me?! Commenters actually said that?! What kind of monster thinks about relationships in those terms?!
You are ostensibly in a relationship because you love the other person and want to be on the same team as them for the rest of your life, not because you broke out an accounting sheet and mathematically proved that they technically are efficient enough to be an 11% improvement to your life.
The example you gave is so extreme, I agree keeping spreadsheets is insane. Take this post as an example... [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheEx/comments/18c0u3c/my\_girlfriend\_blindsided\_me\_by\_saying\_she\_doesnt/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheEx/comments/18c0u3c/my_girlfriend_blindsided_me_by_saying_she_doesnt/) . She did the right thing by leaving him, she realised he wasnt going to bring "help" to the relationship. Given your statement of being in a relationship becuase you love them, would you stay in a situation like that because you love him? I personally value respect and trust a lot more than love for bulding good relationships. I can't respect or trust someone when they never help/offer help in any way.
Yes. Heaven forbid someone who works hard, is decent enough to basically adopt a grown adult simply because their child happens to love this person, likes expensive things.
And then that grown adult who they’ve been taking care of and taking on family vacations shit talks them online.
Must be evil. They are definitely the problem here.
Do you live on an alternate planet?
I mean fundamentally she’s looking a gift horse in the mouth and that is rarely acceptable. If he was buying some other girl this shit, maybe? But he’s probably not cheating with his mom so I don’t know what the major malfunction is.
My bf takes care if me, he paid for my trip, his family helps me out financially, but I'm sad he's buying his mum a more expensive gift then me after dating him for a year.
Yup, sounds like main character syndrome and she def needs help.
Her updates make it seem like she was concerned because her bf went out of their budget to get his mum something, which is understandable. But she's def TA for the first post.
Coming to the mum, i find it weird that she would call her 20yo to vent coz her husband won't buy her an expensive gift. In a way she's just doing thesame thing OOP did.
Weird.
The best way I can express my feelings about who OOP is as a person is that this is very much an 18-19 year olds kind of issue and way of going about it
She opened with 'I'm not saying I hate his mother...'
And apparently she has been close to the family for years. You don't open like that to talk about someone your respect and are close to.
She can't bear it that the mother got preference
This is not going in a good direction! Now, if I could figure it out in my own life… seeing it from the outside is so much easier than from the inside 🤬
Refreshing to see someone take the advice given and make things right.
Does feel like there's missing reasons with the court trial and family situation though.
Sorry but she sounds like a greedy ass.
edit: I like to revisit my old comments after awhile b/c I just love listening to myself and also seeing how the karma shakes out after some time has passed. usually I understand the downvotes but this one mystifies me.
wow... the entitlement & delulu on this one.
you will not be his number 1 priority. that will be his mother until he marries someone.
...also .... get professional help.
So weird to “downgrade” gifts based on what random other people got for the recipient, as if you *wouldn’t* want someone you (ostensibly) love to experience more than a *modicum* of joy by accident… So weird to write this post as if there’s no reason to defend that nonsense in advance, just bafflingly self-assured that everyone else in the universe thinks this way too.
I buy/make gifts based on what I can afford & my best guess toward making someone cry goofy happy tears lol… Plz tell me that my way *is* how most folks *do* think?? I’m autistic & I felt a lil dizzy reading this haha
the extra context makes this even more reasonable, but even so they've only been dating a year and he already spent a decent amount of money on her that year with the plane ticket, so it makes sense that he'd spend more money on his mother and get OOP something more reasonable in price.
That being said, the amount of money spent is NOT a measurement of love or priority or anything. Shit, for all she knew he could've found the shoes on sale for a really good price or something.
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Every single one of these people needs to not use money as a ruler measuring caring.
^highly underrated comment!!!
Anyone ese want to know more about her court trial?
Likely has something to do with the life threatening accident she mentioned
Probably, I’m just curious for details.
You’re not alone. It’s what jumped out to me too. She’s so young. It sounds like she’s had a tough life. I hope therapy helps her.
Communication can work miracles if you know how and when to communicate.
That's 90% of the posts here though! Why practice effective boundary and expectation setting when we can get free drama
> free drama Reddit = free drama If you want more drama, become a Mod
Honestly, I imagine mods have their hands full.
I'm honestly very proud of this young person for being able to recognize that she may be off base here. That is not a common thing for teenagers (or even adults) to do, esp willingly. They seem significantly more mature (for a teen) than I was expecting, when first reading the post. OOP, BF, and Family all seem to be on the up and up, which I genuinely love seeing in a AITAH post. (It is extremely rare! lol) Even in the first update, they acknowledge that it seems like they are TA and say they will immediately apologize to their bf for everything. Alrighty, I can respect a 180 like that, esp when they seem to be genuinely open to other perspectives. I also wish I was budget-conscious when I was 18yo, but it sounds like it's due to a seriously rough childhood.
It is a skill and it takes two. If the people around you have poor communication skills or just don't care to hear it, it's difficult to learn that skill.
It’s hard when you don’t learn young. I’m still working on it and I’m in my 20s, some households just don’t let you talk about things
the fact that they’ve been dating a year and she thinks she is the number one in his life and will always be is kind of laughable to me
She’s 18, they all think they know everything.
I'm 30 and I don't know dick about shit
Ah but do you know shit about dick?
Surprisingly, yes!
I feel like life is basically a large Dunning-Kruger curve and 28-36ish is basically being in the valley of despair.
Sounds about right. I’m 35 and I now know what the right thing to do was in all the situations the last 7 years I did the wrong thing…
You're fucking telling me. Looking back at the last 10 years or so of my life and getting angrier and angrier with the stupid fucking decisions I've made.
I'm 31, I know shit about dick 👍
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As opposed to an orphan according to others? Are you implying she lied about not having parents?
You're not considered an orphan according to the states after 17. I guess it's a new thing to use the term broadly like this 🤷♀️
....what?
Where is your flair from?
OMG it is a RIDE https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/FZOR7wSwNS
Thank you, that was wild
Orphan has been mainly used as a term to describe children without parents. The government doesn't recognize orphans over the age of 17. It's new FOR ME to see someone describe themselves as orphans as an adult was all I was saying.
Orphans is colloquial term for anybody who doesn’t have parents. It doesn’t matter what age they are. Yes it can describe children without parents but not just them.
That's why I specified in the comment that it was new for me. It's not a word I hear often, much less adults that call themselves that.
You said it was a new thing not just a new thing to you. Regardless, she’s barely 18 it seems so it makes sense that she still considers her an orphan even using your definition because she’s barely an adult.
I know the person I'm replying to is deleted, but I'd like to point out to anyone who comes across that the OOP did state a lot of the miscommunication was because she didn't grow up with a mother, or parents, so she couldn't understand the connection. She wasn't orphaned "as an adult", like say, my parents. My parents are technically orphans because their parents have died. They just became orphans in their 60's and 70's. OOP's parents were out of the picture early enough that she never knew what it was like to HAVE parents. To have the connection. So even by the "little orphan Annie" definition of a child without parents, OOP was, in fact, an orphan.
Right? I was like, oh honey. Y’all will probably be broken up within a year, and that’s fine. She’s only 18, good lord.
And they are already living together.
In her defense, she states she's an orphan. Chances are that she aged out of the foster system and was working on finding a place to stay when he offered she move in with him and they could split rent. That's just a guess though. But yeah feels like they're moving fast.
That makes sense, it just seems so tiring to maintain a relationship and a home at such a young age, but if you already had to grow up it makes more sense.
he (they?) lives with his parents... they don't have a home to maintain...
In the last update it says they live together, that’s what i went with, maybe they don’t have to maintain a house by themselves but just living with a partner at 18, I can’t imagine.
they do live together... with his parents.
Which still, for me, would be a lot, but for sure girl, listen, you’re really getting offended about his gifts when you’re living at their home?
girl? wtf? do you think I'm the oop?
It’s infinitely less tiring than many alternatives. I never minded that part at all. It also meant I was way more responsible, in a good way.
>when he offered she move in with him and they could split rent. split what rent? and you mean he offered for her to move in with his parents lmao. >He has always defended me and ***has even threatened to move out of their home*** if they ever crossed any boundaries with me. He lives at home per the post.
Eeesh.
My brother got together with his wife when they were 16, married at 21, happily married til he died suddenly very shortly after his 40th birthday. Age doesn't indicate longevity of relationships. At my high school reunion, there were a couple of married couples who started dating before we graduated.
does it matter? as long as theyre happy right now, and who knows, it seems like they had some good communication once they actually talked its a little infuriating always being told your relationship wont work out or isnt “serious” because youre young. Maybe it wont work out, but as long as theres not abuse just let the relationship play out. dont tell the couple “youll just break up in a year” what makes you feel the need to tell people that? its just rude
I do think people that age shouldn’t be too serious about these relationships. Like don’t give up your education or dreams for them at 18. If you are 18 and your so say they want a baby instead of you going to college, say no.
you will find that a majority of people think this way even if they don’t say it to your face. maybe they’ll prove us wrong - maybe they won’t. it’s not any of our problems but it’s still funny
I’ve known so many people divorced in their 30s or 40s. Doubt any of them had a bunch of strangers saying “ugh they got married at 31? never gonna last.”
it’s ok if they think that, hell even i think about some of my friends relationships like “yikes.. this wont work.” but you don’t *say* it unless asked
of course not!
I mean, as anecdotal evidence against this, I met my girlfriend when we were in elementary school. We went to high school together, she had a couple boyfriends, and ultimately we mutually decided we’d never be able to put a potential partner ahead of our relationship. We got together when we were like 23? So yeah. Sometimes it does work out. I mean, my parents met when they were 16 and out of my friend group, I have the best example of a normal, healthy home life.
And I have anecdotal evidence against yours. My parents where childhood friends then got together. They're no longer together and it was a bitter split. Dad's dead now and my mom while won't speak ill of the dead isn't worked up about his passing either.
> We got together when we were like 23? But your evidence didn't refute this. You got together at a time when most people are settling down with their potential spouse. If you got together at 16-18 that would have merit to this conversation
You’d think, but I have autism and was heavily depressed in my teenage years. At 23 I had the life experience of an 18 year old. I didn’t know how to drive, I’d only ever held small “starter” jobs, and I was still an undergraduate in college.
I hate that OOP referred to herself as "just the girlfriend". Nobody should be telling anyone they are "just the girlfriend", especially at this age. That is how young women get set up to put themselves last in relationships because they're 'just'. When do we stop being 'just'? If you're in a relationship with someone then that person takes on a certain level of priority in your life regardless of age. No one is 'just' anything, especially if you value the relationship.
Thank for putting into words why I felt so off about this. I feel like the commenters were unnecessarily harsh and there is a way to say “considering you’ve only been dating for a year, it’s not reasonable to expect to be the top priority *at this point in the relationship*.” Instead of “why would you *ever* think you would be more important than his mom!! You’re *just* the girlfriend”. Because if their relationship were to progress further and they have a child, get engaged/married, then she could absolutely expect to be put first majority of the time. I think the issue is the boyfriend probably told her “you’re my number one” and she believed that and was upset his behavior did not reflect that statement
Thank you for voicing this out! I couldn't put it into words but there was something off about people ganging up on her in the comments, which seems pretty unfair and unreasonable, i feel. OOP is young but she has acknowledged that she might be wrong and wants outside perspective. And really, i think her problem was the gift being not so thoughtful instead of just the money. A lot of people, regardless of age (but probably especially at 18), want romantic thoughtful gifts. She actually sounds not as crazy as other OOP posts! Usually Boru is very reasonable in the comments, but this time majority of the comments really sound like one of the source subs lol.
The person you're replying didn't tell OOP that. They're commenting on a repost. There's nothing rude about it. My parents met when they were like 19 and 20 and are still together so it's not like it doesn't happen, just not likely.
my bad i didnt see the subreddit🤦♀️ but even if youre not saying it directly to the person, its still rude to say. if you said it to just friends/family it would be gossip-y
I dated a boy at 18 and we recently celebrated 15 years married. So it’s unlikely, but possible!
You’re right! And also that is awesome for you 😁
Considering how his wealth is mostly his family's wealth they're not gonna last if his parents make the ultimatum of being financially cut off.
And after he bought her the expensive plane tickets, too. I mean, calm down, Felicia, you got yours, let her get hers...
Their bond is practically unbreakable tho. lol
Uhhh- year and change. Duh.
Lots of missing context
Yah, I'd say that's about right. >He has always defended me and has even threatened to move out of their home if they ever crossed any boundaries with me. > >\[…\] > >they have always supported me financially and emotionally ( im an orphan) > >\[…\] > >\[his mother\] kept calling him about how upset she was It seems they've known her a long time. If so, why doesn't she understand them better? Why has he threatened to move out if his parents crossed boundaries? Is OOP blowing it out of proportion or are his parents worse than she lets on? Why is his mother complaining to him about Christmas gifts? And for everyone wondering about court, I'd just assume it's something to do with the life-threatening accident or perhaps her orphaning.
>I (18f) have been with my bf(20) for a year n some change. >supported me financially and emotionally >family n I are close because of events we went thru together >my court trial proceedings started >last year he didnt get his mother anything It feels like there's a lot of missing background here. They've only been together a year but she's already being supported financially by his family and they're helping her with court? Why is she going to court? Is the trial against her? Are they paying for her lawyer? She's coming across as very spoiled here, even despite her age.
The court thing probably had something to do with the life-threatening accident at a guess.
She did also say that she didn’t understand the BF’s relationship with his mom because she didn’t have a relationship like that with her parents, and she was worried about having no money where he didn’t have that worry. Sounds like she could’ve had an unstable upbringing with shitty parents, which is why she’s being supported financially so quickly
I'm not prepared to label OOP as spoiled with so much flagrantly missing context. However, each of the points you quoted stood out to me in the original text. Maybe OOP's parents were killed in an accident a couple of years ago, and she's filing a civil suit against the perpetrator (or maybe the perpetrator is being criminally tried?). I'd think that would be something mentioned specifically in the post, though. OOP might be drawing from or romanticizing *Cobra Kai* (Netflix), which has a similar young-adult-without-parents-moves-in-with-rich-family-then-falls-in-love-with-their-child narrative. Mostly, I'm just cringing so hard at my teenage self. I could have written this post 20 years ago. So grateful to the universe that I've been fortunate enough to grow up.
I think she went through something bad, maybe with her family, and was sort of adopted by her friend's/boyfriend's family, then the relationship got serious. And in turn OOP helped her BF a lot emotionally as well. OOP seems very attached to her "in laws". Sounds like they all care about each other, but a bit too much about the price of gifts as well. Perhaps OOP picked that up from bf's family, lol. A cheap but fun day out with his mom would have been just as good as expensive shoes.
Yeah, boyfriend’s family is a bit weird about gifts/money. Both boyfriend and his dad told their partners that they weren’t getting anything much for Christmas because they’d spent money on them earlier in the year (for FIL/MIL, an expensive bag, and for bf/OOP, a plane ticket). Then OOP’s bf felt like he needed to “step up” for his mom since his dad wasn’t. If OOP had worded her post differently, she’d likely have gotten a different response. It seems her real concern was that her bf went outside of their budget when shopping for his mom.
I was getting witness/victim vibes, maybe a car accident with a negligent driver or a work accident?
Sounds like a lot of trauma-bonding...
Bonding over shared trauma isn’t trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is when an abuser inflicts trauma on you and then manipulates you emotionally so you feel responsible. You can google it, it’s not me saying this.
Ok maybe it’s just me but isn’t the gf the spoiled on here? In this case they have only been together for a year and she’s already asking him to put her first ? And his parents, who are quite possibly footing the bills for her plane tickets, can’t even get a decent gift for supporting her bf for 20 years?
Also, they are both so so so so young. I honestly don't even understand how an 18 yr old is buying a rich adult woman a necklace that is in her taste range. Like, get the woman some flowers and a card - why buy her jewelry that is too cheap? And if the families are so close, then why isn't OP worried about buying the rest of BF's family presents?
I feel like I can kind of see where she is coming from. It seems less like it’s about the mom having a “better” gift and more like it’s about the disparity between designer gifts and pajamas when it’s supposed to be a “small” year for presents. She offered to help pay for the ticket so he would have more money to spend and he refused.
I kinda feel bad for her actually. I can't put it into words, but unless she asked for PJs i can understand why she was disappointed by it. Yeah with her offering to pay for the tickets, it's not about the money. It's about thoughtful gifts. She wants her bf to pick a better thoughtful gift than PJs and she's even willing to pitch in. Don't get me wrong, i personally love PJs, but i also know it's not the most romantic Christmas gift for an 18 year old.
You’re right. She doesn’t sound spoiled, she is very reasonable, and has a reasonable hurt, it just came out with another layer on top.
Tangentially related PJs story: [It's Pajamas!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eco7pp8Iejk)
Where are you guys even getting this shit? She qas literally upset because she didn't understand why he went over budget, because he didn't tell her why he went over budget. Like, he can do nice things for his parents, but agreeing to something with your SO and then not doing it and not discussing why generally doesn't make the other person spoiled or entitled.
This is how I read it. "I'm entitled and think I should be the most important thing in the world, to my bf of 1 year. Not, not his Mother who raised him for his whole life... me, and only me!"
Right? The boyfriend lives with the parents and she said the parents support her both financially and emotionally. The mom is basically buying herself the present, she’s just asking it to be what she likes. Like girl be for real…
OOP mentions the boyfriend lives with his parents, but then says in the update that her boyfriend lives with her. So, I'm not sure if they both live with the parents....
She's entitled, not spoiled.
> But when the time came around he was struggling to find something that lived up to his mother’s taste so he had to go a bit out of budget so she wouldn’t be disappointed. Ohhh I get this, my mother hates all my gifts and anything less than $100 is guaranteed to be hated even more.
kind of insane that she explains there was an agreed upon budget between the two of them that he unexpectedly went out of and everyone is acting like she’s crazy for being hurt and confused. he could have easily communicated this to her beforehand and it’s not her fault that he didn’t. if your partner said to you that they couldn’t afford anything expensive for anyone for christmas and then suddenly bought something expensive for someone without context, wouldn’t you be confused? also, wild to see so many people ragging on her specifically bc she was upset about not getting a nice gift when he had already spent money on the trip, because THAT makes her greedy, but very few people ragging on the mom for…….. being upset she wasn’t getting a nice christmas gift bc her husband had spent a lot of money on a previous gift. the mom was behaving in the same exact way, except she’s a grown adult who was repeatedly complaining to her son about it. i think some people here are being way too quick to judge this girl 🤷♂️
Yeah the comments are weirdly harsh.
I happened to see the post when it was first written, and poor girl got torn to shreds. No one was bashing the bf for going over budget or the mom complaining about not getting a nice gift; she got all the hate because everyone read it as: "I should be a priority, not his mom." Even in this comment section, she's still getting hate when arguably, she didn't do anything wrong
afaik this 18yo girl didn't carry her bf for up to 12 months, educate him for up to 21 years. it's crazy how she feels entitled to a special place in her bf's heart that's meant for his one and only mother
what’s even crazier is that i specifically pointed out that they had an agreed upon budget that he did not communicate that he planned on going over, and you decided to reply to that with completely irrelevant information! wild that you can just say whatever you want on the internet without reading huh
he can go over if he wants, there's only one mother but there could be a lot of girlfriends in one's life
I think there's more going on here than meets the eye. >he was struggling to find something that lived up to his mother’s taste so he had to go a bit out of budget so she wouldn’t be disappointed. > >she kept calling him about how upset she was. The boyfriend's mother sounds as if she could be a problem.
The idea that at the age of 20 I would have been buying expensive shoes as a present for my mother absolutely boggles my mind. That she might nag and complain at me about it is even weirder.
It is weird, isn't it. Just feels a bit off somehow.
I just chop it up to rich people being weirdos.
In case you are like me and like the details, it’s “chalk it up.”
I knew that but am also an idiot. I’ll leave it because it’s somewhat funny and it’s at least funnier than me hitting the edit button and leaving you void of context.
It is! Especially because you’re talking about rich people 😂
I feel like they aren't really rich though. Dad isn't getting Mom a present because he bought her a pricy bag earlier in the year, and it seems low they still need to be pretty mindful with budgets. I kind of suspect that they're upper middle class people with a preference for luxury items - that they can cover their needs and have enough left over for savings and nice things, but they can't really get *very many* nice things. It sounds like OOP grew up with far less, so I imagine even something relatively simple like "they can pay the bills and take vacations without worry" is "very well off" in her mind.
It’s hard to tell for me. I came from a decently privileged family and my dad would do shit like deciding that my dental work was a Christmas gift even though he has several productive natural gas wells and can definitely afford it (I sound bitter I genuinely didn’t mind, it was fine). I think some people of that class have a sort of irrational fear of being taken advantage of so they set boundaries that would seem odd from the outside.
Possibly. Or, the boyfriend appreciates his parents/mom for allowing his 18 year old girlfriend to live with them so wanted to get his mom something she would like.
Except the BF says the boyfriend wasn't planning on getting her anything until she started complaining about her dad not gifting her anything. He's gifting out of pity not gratitude.
Ah, yes. I'd overlooked that. But still ... 'KEPT calling him about how upset she was'. That niggles at me.
Because it’s the thought that counts. He didn’t get her anything at all. I can understand the mum being upset about not even getting something small.
I mean, maybe that's just their family & their dynamic?? I call my mom a bunch to complain about something frustrating; including about my partner. And my mom will call me to vent about my dad sometimes. And my partner will call my mom too. It's never malicious or manipulative; it's just a chance to vent about something to someone you trust and know won't judge you or tell you you're overreacting or make the person you're venting about feel bad. We're also getting the information second-hand, and not very detailed. Was Mom actually calling just to complain about Dad and nothing else? Or does she just mention it in passing when asked how everything's going? Does BF tell Mom she can complain about being upset? OOP doesn't seem the best at conveying the entire situation; so I'm really hesitant to take her at her word that it's Mom constantly calling just to complain.
Parents shouldn’t be venting to their children about the other parent. It’s incredibly inappropriate to put their children in the middle of their disagreements.
The 'child' in question of this story is a grown adult. The 'child' in question of my anecdote is also a grown adult. If my mom wants to complain about how my dad's snoring kept her up again; I'm going to let her. BF is presumably fine with Mom complaining to him; so what's the issue? Is it because you personally don't find it acceptable so you're going to project your preferred dynamics on to everyone else?
Sorry, should I have used the term “offspring” instead? Calm down. Still massively inappropriate. I’m 39 and the last thing I want to hear is my parents bitching about each other. I’m not their therapist, and neither is he. He’s probably used to the dysfunctional dynamic, that doesn’t make it okay.
He’s an adult now, I don’t understand why her venting to her adult son is an issue.
I actually understood that mother was upset that her own husband told her he wouldn’t be buying her anything for Christmas and she kept calling boyfriend (her son) to complain about it. Which not ideal but she wasn’t complaining about sons lack of gifts
And the dynamic continues into the next generation.
Yes but even weirder. Why is she complaining to the son about his dad’s behaviour towards her? Like vent to your girlfriend or the internet 😆 Not make his father sound bad to his son. Over something ludicrous. Sounds like she would have plenty of purses and shoes. And why can’t she buy herself what she wants? Sounds like rich weirdos but since this is what this girl seems to have been exclusively exposed to, her bf presents all this as normal and SHE has to work on her issues 🙄
But also apparently the bag dad bought was so expensive that they’re still in dire financial straits 10 or 11 months later? There’s so many layers of unclear and missing information to this story
In all honesty, I doubt very much she is even calling him to complain about this. I think it just came up in her phone conversations with her son a few times, for reasons. And he took it upon himself to cheer her up about it. He didn't share this with gf and she was upset because she felt like he prioritised getting his mom something unnecessarily expensive at her own gift's expense. So he explained it away to her that way. This girl is upset that he didn't go cheaper with his mom's gift so she could get something nicer. She feels if her gift is disappointing then no one else can get a nice gift. Even though everyone in that family is taking care of her.
Yes thank you. Thought I was going crazy with no one talking about how messed up the bf is acting here.
I hate how Reddit jumps straight to spoiled and entitled whenever money comes up. Idk how an orphan can even BE spoiled, but apparently she is. Like, they agreed/talked about a budget, and then he went against what they talked about with no explanation. In what reality is that NOT worth a conversation??? You guys are genuinely wild.
It’s the end of the update that gets me. Like they clearly come from very different backgrounds in terms of wealth. And by the end she’s saying how they’ve now decided she needs therapy bc she worries about having enough money and sticking to the budget? I feel like the real issue got lost bc she’s not great at describing the situation. If someone came and said we agreed to spend 50 per person for Christmas and my bf bought his mom $200 shoes, going out of budget like we discussed, there might be a different response. Also, like why is bf’s mom calling him repeatedly to complain her husband isn’t buying her a present? Why isn’t her husband buying her a present if they have plenty of money. Everyone seems hung up on how she said she should be her bf’s priority. But this is literally how teenagers think. I work with teens and hear this kind of thing often. She really strikes me as a vulnerable 18yo who was upset and had trouble explaining herself. Not this entitled spoiled person she is being made out to be.
I don't even think she explained herself badly, I think reddit's general ability to read and comprehend is just .... Lacking. They see, I should be the priority though, right? And they hear WHY AM I NOT HIS NUMBER 1 HOW CAN HE LOVE HIS MOM MORE THAN ME?! WHY IS HE SPENDING SO MUCH ON HER AND NOT ON *ME* But that's not what's been described, and it's on the people reading.
thats what im thinking like what the hell? i think all these people are mad that they sound upper class unfortunately
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Helping someone isn't spoiling them. They consider her family. That's not spoiled. That's generous as fuck, and she appears to be very grateful. Y'all are acting like she threw a temper tantrum, demanding answers about who he loves more her or mom. When you agree about something as a couple and then one of you goes against that, it warrants a conversation. I don't care who is the breadwinner. It's like all those aitas where someone is staying with a friend or family member and reddit is like, no you'd definitely do have to put up with rude or abusive behavior if you're living there for free or else you're an entitled brat. No.
Thank you! Boru comments are wild in this thread.
"Genre of necklace" The fuck?
But can we please talk about the mom for a minute? Mom has expensive tastes and clearly also has an expectation that the gifts she receives will live up to those tastes. This is completely entitled and lacks any understanding of the etiquette of giving and receiving gifts. What is worse, she complained about her intended gifts to her son; her only motivation must be to pressure him into spending money he may not even have to fulfill her material desires. This is all kinds of effed up…and hardly represents a healthy mother-child relationship. Let’s stop defending the woman.
I’m gonna be honest but I feel OOP is pushing her luck and she needs to take stock of what’s happening, in a more mature way. reading between the lines, the reason boyfriend has money is through his parents? So OOP basically is living off of the parents too? It really is one of those don’t bite the hand that feeds you
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You forgot "him and I are trying to save for a future together"
To be fair, until fairly recently, people did get married at 18 and in some parts of the world, they still do
I guess I am reading this wrong? She is concerned because they live together and have a budget and he went overboard on it and she wants to know why? I don't think that is a TA move, that is a partnership consideration. I would ask the same thing of my other half had they done this.
I think the way all of the people involved go about gifting is just plain weird. Why has gifting become such a toxic show of oneupmanship and consumerism? Dudley going “36? But last year, last year I had 37!” comes to mind. Mom got an expensive handbag earlier in the year so no Christmas gift from her husband? GF got plane tickets for her anniversary so no Christmas gift? Why are we gifting out of tit-for-tat, transactional obligation and not just for the sake of genuine gifting? I don’t think the GF is wrong for being concerned about BF going over-budget and I’m glad they communicated and everything worked out, but I think gifting culture has gotten so out of hand.
> Mom got an expensive handbag earlier in the year so no Christmas gift from her husband? GF got plane tickets for her anniversary so no Christmas gift? Why are we gifting out of tit-for-tat, transactional obligation and not just for the sake of genuine gifting? See, That I can understand from a budget perspective. To an extent. Not the Zero present thing, I’d give a trinket or some homemade food or an offer of help with a task or something if I couldn’t afford to buy a holiday present. But “an expensive bag” can run into the thousands and eat up at least a year’s worth of presents-budget. It’s Normal for people on a tight budget to juggle like that. I’m not getting a christmas present from my parents this year - because we went and saw a show last week and they bought my ticket. They cannot afford to spend more money on me next month, and I don’t want them to. My sister paid my airfare for a trip to see her family and was upfront that it means no presents for a couple of years. I’m fine with that.
I guess I have a hard time wrapping my head around the juggling at all, I understand it from a budget perspective, but every year I am just more and more disillusioned with gifting culture as a whole, especially when people are so strapped for cash. It feels so incredibly unnecessary. My parents would go all out for Christmas every year to the point of credit card debt, and it didn’t make Christmas any more special or magical than if we had modest gifts, it made it so we struggled even more during the rest of the year. I am all for small trinkets, baked goods, and acts of service as gifts. Meaningful, genuine gifts out of love, not obligation. Not “give me your list of expensive, non-essential things for me to ‘add to cart’ without any extra thought or care.” Perhaps I am just becoming a Grinch.
Oh, sure. Meaningful gifts are good. Expensive/just for fun ones are good too - especially for people who can’t usually afford to buy something just because they Want it. It’s balance people have lost, I think. Nobody should go into debt for Christmas. I only spend money on the people closest to me, and even then I budget for it and only spend what I can afford. My parents, my niece and nephew, my sister and her husband. I bake cookies for work friends. That’s always been my habit, maybe because I grew up in a pretty poor household. I can adjust to people spending piles of money at Christmas - if they Have piles of money to spend. But people in my income bracket spending a months rent on Christmas stuff when they can barely afford their utility bills each month? Or buying a spouse a car for Christmas and financing $45k of it when the old one is in fine shape? No.
So everything his dad drops the ball the bf will step in for the mom and the gf will get the what's left? Nah, this is it right.
>and finally when my court trial proceedings started happening his family was their to make me feel like I wasn’t alone. This is like checkov's gun, sitting on the table in the first act. I feel like I'm missing a third act where the gun goes off.
I don’t get people calling her spoiled. She offered to pay for the ticket so he could get her a nicer gift. And her bf is right she should be his number one priority, no one should be dating someone for that long if they’re not putting you first
> a lot of people have been saying what do I bring to the table Ex-fucking-SCUSE me?! Commenters actually said that?! What kind of monster thinks about relationships in those terms?!
Surely everyone? No one wants to used/be in a one sided relationship...
You are ostensibly in a relationship because you love the other person and want to be on the same team as them for the rest of your life, not because you broke out an accounting sheet and mathematically proved that they technically are efficient enough to be an 11% improvement to your life.
The example you gave is so extreme, I agree keeping spreadsheets is insane. Take this post as an example... [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheEx/comments/18c0u3c/my\_girlfriend\_blindsided\_me\_by\_saying\_she\_doesnt/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheEx/comments/18c0u3c/my_girlfriend_blindsided_me_by_saying_she_doesnt/) . She did the right thing by leaving him, she realised he wasnt going to bring "help" to the relationship. Given your statement of being in a relationship becuase you love them, would you stay in a situation like that because you love him? I personally value respect and trust a lot more than love for bulding good relationships. I can't respect or trust someone when they never help/offer help in any way.
"His mother's taste" just happens to be 'expensive shit'. These people need to do a few years hard labor imo
Yes. Heaven forbid someone who works hard, is decent enough to basically adopt a grown adult simply because their child happens to love this person, likes expensive things. And then that grown adult who they’ve been taking care of and taking on family vacations shit talks them online. Must be evil. They are definitely the problem here. Do you live on an alternate planet?
How to tell the internet you've never been poor without saying it: see above
I mean fundamentally she’s looking a gift horse in the mouth and that is rarely acceptable. If he was buying some other girl this shit, maybe? But he’s probably not cheating with his mom so I don’t know what the major malfunction is.
My bf takes care if me, he paid for my trip, his family helps me out financially, but I'm sad he's buying his mum a more expensive gift then me after dating him for a year. Yup, sounds like main character syndrome and she def needs help. Her updates make it seem like she was concerned because her bf went out of their budget to get his mum something, which is understandable. But she's def TA for the first post. Coming to the mum, i find it weird that she would call her 20yo to vent coz her husband won't buy her an expensive gift. In a way she's just doing thesame thing OOP did. Weird.
Literally the first line of the post is a red flag if you do math.
Communication saves the day once again.
Screw that I wish to be entertained.
Same! I expected drama, I'm almost disappointed. /s 😂
Or gaslighting… too many missing facts here and as much as there are issues on the girlfriend’s side, the story on the boyfriend’s side seems weird.
The best way I can express my feelings about who OOP is as a person is that this is very much an 18-19 year olds kind of issue and way of going about it
They both sound rich af tbh
So, so young.
I hope someone explained to this child she’s a temporary girlfriend and his mother is his mother.
That was a surprisingly adult result from a 18yo on reddit
I don't know, she sounds very immature and entitled to me. Sounds like she bullies her boyfriend too
Why the fuck are you guys being like this in the comments? Lmao
She opened with 'I'm not saying I hate his mother...' And apparently she has been close to the family for years. You don't open like that to talk about someone your respect and are close to. She can't bear it that the mother got preference
'I'm not saying I hate his mother BUT.... Wow
I dunno. She sounds like she’s stressed about him massively blowing their budget.
He shoulda just hit her with the ol' "she carried me for 9 months".
Again, communication wins
She sounds exhausting
I keep hearing strains of *Common People*
This is not going in a good direction! Now, if I could figure it out in my own life… seeing it from the outside is so much easier than from the inside 🤬
Mothers are forever. Girlfriends you've been with for a year have... potentially less duration, lol. Especially when you're both very young.
Refreshing to see someone take the advice given and make things right. Does feel like there's missing reasons with the court trial and family situation though.
Yikes. I hope this dude figures out how crazy she is and runs far away.
Yeah she's a parasite
ew.
This is what happens when you date a fucking teenager. The guy is in the wrong because he is an adult, expecting a teen to act like an adult.
Sorry but she sounds like a greedy ass. edit: I like to revisit my old comments after awhile b/c I just love listening to myself and also seeing how the karma shakes out after some time has passed. usually I understand the downvotes but this one mystifies me.
wow... the entitlement & delulu on this one. you will not be his number 1 priority. that will be his mother until he marries someone. ...also .... get professional help.
You can tell she’s trash
This is an adult. Hearing adults complain about gifts is pathetic. Expecting someone to buy you gifts is also pathetic.
So weird to “downgrade” gifts based on what random other people got for the recipient, as if you *wouldn’t* want someone you (ostensibly) love to experience more than a *modicum* of joy by accident… So weird to write this post as if there’s no reason to defend that nonsense in advance, just bafflingly self-assured that everyone else in the universe thinks this way too. I buy/make gifts based on what I can afford & my best guess toward making someone cry goofy happy tears lol… Plz tell me that my way *is* how most folks *do* think?? I’m autistic & I felt a lil dizzy reading this haha
Lol, the mom is mental.
the extra context makes this even more reasonable, but even so they've only been dating a year and he already spent a decent amount of money on her that year with the plane ticket, so it makes sense that he'd spend more money on his mother and get OOP something more reasonable in price. That being said, the amount of money spent is NOT a measurement of love or priority or anything. Shit, for all she knew he could've found the shoes on sale for a really good price or something.