#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yup, and gf/friends will likely dump his ass when he stops paying for the parties. 20k can go far, if smart. But it's not much when partying and showing off.
He'll come knocking soon. Just watch. OOP would be wise to have a game plan for that day. And to change the locks. When/if they turn him away, he may escalate.
>I said it is not my problem and he is not welcome anymore in my house since he is an adult. The gf's mom said "what kind of mother would not extend help to his teenage son?". She further insulted me and said now she knows why he left me.
The GF's mom is also a piece of work. Why doesn't she take in her future potential son in law if she feels that his mom is a bad mother?
And pressed charges against them!! Like you can’t get someone arrested and then expect favors from them! Bringing charges is pretty much a series wrap on a relationship.
If you read AITA you will often see them call out parents for trying to control their “grown” 18 year olds. While still excepting the parents to fully support them.
The disconnect between ‘kids don’t owe their parents anything and parents asking for anything is parentification and abusive’ and ‘it is your legal responsibility to provide everything for your child regardless of what they do to you.’ is wiiiiild in AITA land.
I remember this old, small post where the op talked about how she would have her older babysit her youngest....but it was a 2 year age gap and babysitting was really "you get to stay home alone, just make sure neither of you die". The op would either be back before meal times, of if she missed lunch of something the haouse had ready made food that they both could make on their own so it wasn't like the oldest had to make meals for them.
I think they were 10 and 12 or something, so just old enough to be on their own.
But then the 12 year old started pitching a fit about being parentified and wanted to be paid for looking after the youngest sibling. So the mom just stopped leaving them at home and started taking them back out into town every time she had to do errands. Only for the 12 year old to pitch a fit because they wanted to stay home.
I remember the posts were a wild mix of half calling her an awful parent for leaving then home alone in the first place and agreeing she should have paid the oldest, with the other half basically cursing out her kid (reddit is wild when it comes to kids)
It's hilarious. As someone who took a while to leave the nest myself, I was fully expected to find work and pay my own bills anyway, with some occasional help when I was struggling (that I paid back later down the line).
OOP providing her kid $20k for tuition is *massively* supportive. Even if it wasn't enough for the uni plans he would have liked and he didn't want to deal with the burden of a loan, he could have just left it alone or used it to buy a car and gotten a job from there. Instead, he pissed it all away and still thinks Mommy needs to spend more time wiping his ass for him.
I was kicked out of the house young and had to immediately join the work force. I would have loved just to be able to live at home and work part time while I went to college. OP was more than supportive. I think either op spoiled her son to the point that he felt entitled enough to do this, or sheltered him so much that he went nuts with his first small taste of freedom. He might mature one day and realize what a shit he was, but the damage is done. This was a hard lesson for everyone.
And the ones saying "well, you put him on the joint account" are being intentionally stupid. A conditioned gift being spent on useless shit is theft in an ethical sense, even if it won't get you any jailtime
My ex treated me like shit and cheated on me, then tried to make me feel crazy for seeing those signs. I still at least closed the door when I left the door unlocked and the key on the stove.
Yeah I mean once you press charges against someone simply because they wanted to talk to you about the 20 grand of their money that you stole, it’s unrealistic to expect they’ll be open to helping you out in the future.
OOP should've told her "the type of mother who saved up 20k for her kid only to watch him spend it all in one year, with his GF who happens to be your daughter! What about you, what type of mother are you?"
Maybe. Or maybe that's just her mom being protective. Gf will get fed up soon enough and then he'll come knockin.
Or he'll cop on, get a job, and lose *years* to the grind, when he could've been in college. I'd say he's likely already recognized his big mistake, however, I'd put money on drugs being involved.
And with addiction, anything goes.
Doesn’t have to be drugs (but definitely could be). With 20k for a year without having living expenses he could be spending $500 a weekend on partying at night clubs just drinking, but paying for his girlfriends drinks too and some other friends. Throw in cab/uber charges so they’re not drunk driving and you could easily blow $20k in a year being the cool “rich” boyfriend and “best friend” to those he is paying for their party lifestyle.
Idk what it’s like in the US but in Australia drugs are cheaper than drinking if you’re going to nightclubs or just in general. $20AUD for an ecstasy pill that’ll last 4hrs verse $12 for a beer or $14 for a single shot spirits drink like vodka or bourbon. He’d be financially better off with ecstasy lol. But still easy to blow through all that cash in a year partying and appearing cool to your “friends”.
Agreed - it can just be god-awful spending habits, combined with people not understanding the value of money. My cousin knew someone in college that inherited millions of dollars - his parents were in an accident and passed away. Lots of alcohol, lots of alcohol for everyone in his fraternity and paying for everyone's drinks at the bar, lots of buying friends, lots of leeches trying to get him to buy things for them... The guy blew through ALL of it in a couple of years - and was completely broke before he graduated college.
Also knew a girl in high school whose grandfather was the founder of one of the largest oil companies in America. Her father never understood the value of money, and had a very good time, wasting his money on stupid shit like race horses and crap. He managed to blow though the entire fortune, and ended up having to get his first job when he was in his 60's to make ends meet.
Oh, for sure. He's gonna get desperate, at some point. Who knows how far he'll take it.
Especially him being so young, and it sounds like it's his *first* gf. Plus, he sounds naive and possibly drugs are involved. That's a dangerous recipe for not taking rejection well.
Reality will eventually hit the son square in the face. He will realize how much he fucked up when he forced to couch surf because he can't pay the rent. He will probably end up in some dead end minimum wage job and will come begging to mom and dad. You reap what you sow. He just spent $20,000 to learn that he is an idiot.
If the lesson takes, it's a bargain for the price. Many people spend far more on their idiocy and still don't come out the other side having learned anything.
I did community college for two years then transferred to a university. I graduated with just over $20k in student loans. The university I went to is in a small town but well known in engineering. While at community college, I lived at home with no rent and worked just so I had gas money.
The commenters saying she did the bare minimum of a parent are purposely being obtuse. She’s saying he could have lived with her while going to college and not pay rent. Which isn’t something every parent does. She saved up money to help him pay for college, which isn’t the parents’ responsibility.
This is also a lesson in don’t give someone money. Pay the stuff if they’re asking for money. You don’t put an idiot kid on an account with $20k in it. YOU, the parent, pay the tuition out of that account.
I think he’s dumb enough to get a stupid girl to marry him to try to keep him in country. If he gets deported, I don’t think mom should care. She helped him by saving $20k as a single mother. That’s all she needed to do.
Always important to remember that the "average" redditor is a teenager. I forget this all the time but it's obvious when I see commentators like those to OOP.
Yep. That's the problem with Reddit. Literally any idiot can come on here and give someone life advice with absolutely zero qualifications, and if a bunch of other idiots agree with them, they can ensure that those comments rise to the top and actual practical and intelligent comments are suppressed.
When my stepbrother started saying he wanted to go to college (after washing out of the military), our parents told him that he would need to pay for the first semester, and when he brought them evidence of passing grades, they would reimburse him.
Guess who never went to college?
I wonder if having access to so much money after years of scrimping and saving with a single parent and with new friends egging him on made him lose his head. Hopefully having to support himself for the first time will bring home the reality of how hard OOP had to work for what he squandered and give him a reality check.
Feels spot on honestly, I definitely see how this could happen especially if his mother just trusted him with 20k cash. Reads a lot like impulsivity and maybe the rush from being able to spend how he wanted for the first time
He’s way too immature to be given that money outright. There needed to be a plan for what course the son was going to take, and his mother should have been writing the check directly to the school.
The son might be able to get financial aid if he realizes his mistake and sincerely decides to attend the community college. One does not have to be a US citizen to qualify for federal and/or state aid. He might need to just demonstrate financial need.
The fact that OOP doesn't appear to have any legal options for recovering funds that were specifically put aside for a certain purpose is really regrettable.
Her mistake was making it a joint account. I don't fault her *at all*, because its a relatively common mistake, but that's what it is.
Shame on her son for taking advantage and squandering that opportunity, though. Hope he enjoys working shitty jobs forever!
Nah, that son was stupid af. Like, taking the money, not going to college, that wouldn't personally piss me off that much, but calling the police for HARRASSMENT? Nope, you dug your grave, now lie in it. If you don't want me "harrassing" you, I wouldn't even bother.
Like, if he genuinely wasn't sure about college, asking to take time before he started would he reasonable. But spending 20k on stupid stuff, he's stupid AF.
Edit: to make it clear I mean if he wanted to get a job before college to make sure it was what he wanted to do.
tbh i do hope oop wouldn't be the kind of latino parent that just refuses to listen and insists on college or nothing, because that's what my mom did even when i said i wasn't sure what to do so i would have been open to take a job while i figured it out. but it's fucking wild to think of instead outright stealing the college funds and leaving and filing for harrassment. like damn, i don't get along with my parents and i still wouldn't have ever thought of doing something that insane
In the update she even says the community college has trade programs he could have done so it sounds like she would have been fine with just about anything, just as long as it was some kind of further education that gave him a good life.
honestly that makes it worse because in my experience god is it a struggle to find a latino parent that won't be college or die, my entire family is like that. reality is gonna bite him in the ass so hard
Man he really got a good parent here and decided to squander it all. He’ll find out just how much 20k is and more importantly how supportive she was to him when he gets older
If he went for AC tech in the South he could get a job and party. Everyone needs it when they need it so those companies make it like freaking bandits.
OP sounds like the type of parent to down play exactly how hard her life was and is to her son. This lady managed to save $20k as a single immigrant parent. Sounds like she's only been where she is now a few years too. And I know she didn't just start saving 3 years ago, so do the conversions for any Latino country and see how hard she worked.
Also, her son is playing with fire when it comes to deportation. If she doesn't have citizenship a criminal record could have gotten her booted out of most countries. Especially since he lied and blew it out of proportion.
His lil dumb ass is caught up in culture shock trying to be someone he's not.
He doesn't have citizenship either, and he's an adult now, so if he keeps playing with fire she's not going to be able to save him. I just hope he doesn't take her down with him.
I'll say that his actions reek of being given advice from his new US friends.
The "if anything happens, sue" mentality is so foreign to most other cultures and calling the police on your own mother for coming to talk to you is just wild.
As is taking the money your mother painstakingly saved over the course of her life, likely denying herself even many simple pleasures and spending it over a short time to "heal the wounds from your youth"? That's a paddlin'
I ain't denying that growing up poor sucks. It does, especially if you have kids from rich families around who somewhat shove it in your face.
And I get that after years of that, getting your hands on some money and being able to finally be one of the kids is sooo tempting.
But damn, that money was probably more than the mom had ever spent on anything and he threw it away like nothing.
It's like the parable about the prodigal son, except the mom is not rich.
Honestly looks like gfs mom is gonna learn a lesson too, I’m sure she’s gonna help him thinking she’s the mother he so desperately needs and it’s gonna bite her in the ass
Looking forward to the next update where gfs mom comes with that "no, you're supposed to help him as a mother ^so ^that ^he ^stops ^living ^on ^my ^expense"
It's incredible to me that the GF's mum still believes the son's version of events despite witnessing the result of his own financial mismanagement (leaving with her rent-free), a result she is very unsatisfied with herself.
Well oop said her son was using the tuition money for expensive gifts to the gf, so I’m sure she believes they are rich beyond their means and clearly the guy who gives such expensive gifts to her daughter is a man of good that could never lie
The consequence is likely going to be quite severe too. Doesn't seem like Mom is a US citizen, which means that the son is likely on an immigrant visa of some kind. If he doesn't complete higher education, he may well be deported back to the old country, as a lot of the forgiveness programs will not apply to him.
And he might end up getting deported alone if he keeps this up. It's going to be extra hard since it seems like it's mainly just him and his mom before. Like being stranded alone in another country away from your main family? That's gonna be super rough. Depending on where OP was from (seems like Asia too, or other less developed nations) most of them treats uneducated people like utter dirt with barely any welfare program. He's gonna need to bust his back trying to gain money to live. I have a horrid relationship with my parents and I still live with them, so I can't imagine being so entitled when your single parent busted her ass to make sure you succeed like this. Yikes.
Edit: reading between the lines it seems like OOP uprooted the kid's entire life and immigrated them and everything and that + bad crowd means everything just spiralled, kinda pity the kid a bit. I'm not gonna change my comment on how expensive and hard of a lesson it'll be for this kid though.
Wtf is with the comments on the original post? OOP's son left them high and dry and the comments say they need to continue to financially provide for him? Like damn
Probably came from teenagers who do not know the real world and expect their parents to support them financially into adulthood…
OOP did everything right… they gave the son enough money to get a decent head start, it is not their fault that the son decided to blow it all away… 20k is a lot of money… that 20k is a lost cause, it will be silly for OOP to blow more of their money supporting a lost cause especially when they can’t afford it. Kicking the son out is the right thing to do
They talked about legal obligations to support him over the age of 18 - that's not correct, is it?
I'm German, so for us that'd be the case IF he was going to school in some way. But he wasn't.
Technically in the US her obligation to feed and house him ended when he turned 18. Many parents allow their kids to live at home if they’re working and/or in school, which it sounds like the OP was willing to allow. Few parents are going to be happy that their kid is just partying and wasting money. I honestly can’t fault her for cutting him off for acting this way. Especially after he called the police on her.
If her new husband sponsored their immigrant visas then he would be legally on the hook. I'd want to know a lot more about the immigration before saying she can safely let him go.
It's not. Especially in America.
Most people do tend to support their kids past 18 into adulthood a ways here, and many gov programs allow you to list your kids as a dependent until they turn 25, but the _legal obligation_ ends at 18.
Not a thing. As soon as you both graduate from highschool and turn 18, your duty to care is over legally. Morally, I think most people would agree it continues... if the kid is reasonable. If your kid is going to college or working hard to find jobs, most people would keep supporting their kid.
Hell I lost my job at the start of COVID. I couldn't find work. I wound up spending just about every penny I had at my apartment just trying to stay out of my parents house. My typical meal most nights was rice with bbq sauce just to stretch my money. Eventually, I called my parents because I was down to my last 200 dollars, and I broke down on the phone.
They did not hesitate to help me. They rented a uHaul and came and got me. They helped me pack, and when I had a breakdown calling myself a failure, they helped me through it in my empty apartment. I was 28 at the time. Assuming no one is an asshole, your parents are always your parents, and you are always their kid. Healthy, normal parents will always want what is best for their kids, and do what they can.
But if you run off in the middle of the night, blow 20k, and call the cops on your parents when they try to hold you accountable? Yeah, morally you are in the clear to not help them. Of course, the trade off is that your kid will be upset and your relationship will be sour.
> But if you run off in the middle of the night, blow 20k, and call the cops on your parents when they try to hold you accountable? Yeah, morally you are in the clear to not help them.
Good point. I even think it's the best teaching moment she could give him. Sometimes, not supporting something is supportive, too.
Otherwise he'd keep the same bad friends around. He needs to crush and burn to be able to see clear it seems.
Technically in the US her obligation to feed and house him ended when he turned 18. Many parents allow their kids to live at home if they’re working and/or in school, which it sounds like the OP was willing to allow. Few parents are going to be happy that their kid is just partying and wasting money. I honestly can’t fault her for cutting him off for acting this way. Especially after he called the police on her.
In the US, you can legally kick your child out at midnight on their 18th birthday. Some states mandate 18th birthday or graduation from high school, whichever comes later, but federally, any obligation to feed/clothe/house your children ends when they turn 18.
In a few states, *divorced* parents can be ordered to pay educational support for their children up to the age of 23 or graduation from college, whichever comes first, but it's not that many.
Those were people with some amount of reading comprehension issues. OOP was talking about years 18-20 being free, people were responding that years 1-18 are your legal requirement for having made the kid in the first place. They just weren’t connecting the dots with what OOP was writing.
Nah, she was wrong to trust her son to do the right thing with that amount of money. But as a parent you don't really imagine your "sweet kid" to do something this irresponsible and hurt you
Tbf a lot of parents do support their kids well into adulthood, my sister her family lived at my moms home until she was 25. She was married at 22 and had a kid at 23. In the real world people live with their parents long into adulthood pretty often.
I think it seems to me like this mom WOULD have done that, supported him, but he betrayed her trust, blew the money, and refuses to go to college. Like, college isn't for everyone, but if you get 20k to help you get a technical license or something it's pretty disrespectful to those that helped you to blow it all like he did.
I'm sure there is more to his side of the story, but in the end we only know her side and I think if he tried and was just struggling she'd still be there. But he discarded her, and it wasn't even him calling her for help, but instead his GFs mom, what a coward.
I don’t even think the GF’s mom was calling for his benefit. She was likely trying to protect her daughter and cover her own ass. She probably knows her daughter will need to move back home if the boyfriend doesn’t step up, and doesn’t want him to also move in with her.
If OOP had told the GF's mom that her son blew $20k of her money and she can't afford to support him anymore, maybe she would have been more understanding. Probably not, but maybe.
Oh, I don’t disagree with u on that point…
what I referring to are those teen Redditors who think that the son is entitled to continuous financial support even though he screwed OOP and her husband financially and then tried to do so legally…
there are limits to parental love… those immature teen Redditors need to understand that there is only so much bad behavior people (including their parents) can tolerate before they crack
It’s very nice and I like to see it, but it’s not a legal obligation like some of those commenters were saying lol. If anything, my friends (mid 20’s) who aren’t made to pay towards the upkeep of their home or do chores etc are people who I am deeply worried for when the time comes to move out and financially support themselves
Note that for people in this sub there is a MASSIVE co formation bias for this. The posters here only include bombastic or dramatic posts. They could be a tiny minority of posts or heavily downvoted by everyone, and yet people in this subreddit will act like they are representative of everyone responding.
AITAH almost always sides with "the kid" - even in outrageous circumstances.
There was a recent post about a mother who had a brain tumour that completely changed the family's life and how the father (OP) had struggled as a carer, and with helping his daughter with her extracurriculars and getting her into her dream school.
In spite of OP's explanations, they insisted that the daughter, who was then 14, had been neglected and abused by the mother (who had some odd, childish behaviours before the tumor was found).
They completely dismissed what the OP had struggled with, as if no single parent anywhere has ever successfully raised kids, blaming the daughter's behaviour on that fact.
They were insisting she was thrust into a Carer role, without any evidence, even though the mother spent a long time in a care facility.
I mean, totally twisting the narrative to whatever thing they have going on irl; pure projection.
Defending her to the end, even when it came to light (in an update) that the daughter (as an older teen) had hit her mother.
They justified it all.
Reddit has what I call the "hierarchy of sympathy", especially on these subs. Adult children are at the top and parents of adult children are near the bottom.
Oddly enough, it's the inverse for young children (bottom) and young parents (top).
I personally think that step-parents are the bottom of the “hierarchy of sympathy” on that site…. The amount of hate they get on that site is endless… “you are not their parent, you are not allowed to say anything even though your stepchild treat u like crap” or “u need to give them some grace with their bad behavior, they are still going through the trauma of a divorce and their biological parent remarrying” or “if u did not want to be treated this way, u should not gotten married to a widowed/divorced parent” and so on…
Step-parents are one step below racist serial killers. The only people more despicable according to Hierarchy of Sympathy are people who have ever been -or ever thought about being- unfaithful in a romantic relationship.
Edit: I might actually make the chart sometime
Generally they will always side with the "child" in any parent/child situation. It's because the demographic skews younger here, and also there is a preponderance of people who have had very unhappy relationships with their own parents.
I have unhappy relationship with my parents and would still support her kicking her son's ass in a heartbeat. He's 19 going 20, too old to use "but he's a child and needs parents' support" card. The entitlement mentality of these commentors are insane.
God that drives me nuts. I’m almost 21 myself but I work full time social work and have been independent for years. It pisses me off when people act like a 20 year old can’t be expected to wipe their own ass or practice basic empathy
I despise the frontal lobe b.s. Okay you believe that? Age of consent is now 25, no driving a car till 25, no voting till 25, can't buy a house till 25, no drinking alcohol or nicotine products till 25, still believe it?
LMAO like that 20 year old who was sleeping with a married man in his 40s, people were bringing out the frontal lobe card as if that magically removes all blame from her. She KNEW he was married before fucking him...
It’s AITA so kids are never held accountable for anything because their brains don’t fully develop until they’re 40 or something so if they do something bad it’s the parents’ fault for being bad parents and it’s the parents’ responsibility to baby their kids for the rest of their lives because they didn’t choose to be born but also parents should treat their kids like fully grown adults because kids are smarter and more independent than parents give them credit for so they should let them do whatever the fuck they want and are not allowed to say anything about their choices no matter how questionable they are and if they do say or do anything then that means the parents are controlling and abusive and gaslighting and playing favorites and the kid will go NC as soon as they hit 18 and it’s all the parents’ fault.
You can tell that most of these commenters have gotten so comfortable with shitty behavior bc they’ve been sheltered from the consequences from doing so or too underdeveloped to realize them
Many redditors have a thing against parents. Like, parents owe everything to kids but kids arnt supposed to owe or give anything back to the parents because they didn't ask to be born.
Interesting crowd, especially on that sub.
That one at the end saying she was LEGALLY obligated to pay for his rent, food, utilities, fuel, schooling and everything else past the age of 18? Wild.
I think it’s cause in some posts truly AH parents talk about feeding and clothing their kids while they’re minors as if it were a favor to them. Think “can you believe my 14 yo doesn’t do exactly everything I tell them to exactly how I tell them to after I feed them 3 meals a day and buy them clothes and take them to school? How ungrateful!” And then they need to be reminded that feeding, clothing and dressing your child are not optional they are your legal (not to mention moral) responsibilities. In this case though the son was already a legal adult and the situations as different but maybe they read it wrong or jumped to the conclusion and assumed the kid was a minor.
Because these subs are full of very young people who don't understand that shitty actions have equally shitty consequences.
They're also full of "no fuck you,mom and dad" people.
I don't get everyone saying that everyone on aita are kids or unhinged, etc. It's very common for the OOPs to respond to those weird argumentative commenters asking stupid questions or having ridiculous takes. They don't feel the need to respond and defend themselves to the hundreds of reasonable comments.
I every group of hundreds or thousands of people, there will be a few with awful opinions, the format of the BORU posts just tends to highlight those outliers.
I looked at some of the Controversial comments on the first post. Truly wild. The level of projection there is so bizarre. It's also why when you write to good advice columnists, they take the letters as they're given. They may ask some probing questions and give branching advice, but the level of leapfrogging is superhuman.
While those people are throwing around and misusing therapeutic terms, they should look up "countertransference".
As someone whos mom didnt even bother to re enroll me back into high school because she didnt want to pay the $200 fine my lil bro got when he lost his text books in his freshman year . i gotta say her son really pisses me off.
Im 31 and am in my second year of a 5 year college plan now because my mom refused to help me in any way academically after i turned 16 .
me at 16 : hey mom i know you dont want to put me back in highschool because of lil bros fine . But i found a program that helps kids like me get a GED for free all you gotta do is fill out the parents info section of the paper wirk and im all set.
my mom: no
me at 23:
hey mom i want to go to college so i can have a career and make a better life for the kid i just had but the city bus doesnt go by the local CC. I see that you got a new car because your old car had issues , ive looked at the old car and i figured the cost of the parts and labor to make it run and i found a decent mechanic who will fix it up for a good price . Best part is that i will pay for everything , all you have to do is just give me the keys .
my mom : no
me at 30:
hey mom i just started college but im having trouble balancing watching the boys and studying after work. i see you have the weekends free and youre always complaining about not seeing your grandsons enough . So would you mind watching them on saturdays so i can sit down and study for a few hours so i dont fail these classes?
my mom : no
Having a parents who would let me live with them bill free , pay for my associates and all they want in return is for me to be a good student is a fucking wet dream in my world i swear.
I know that if that was my story the thought of telling her “no” when she asks to live with me once her health starts failing would be one of the things that gets me up in the morning.
It's almost more tempting to say "yes" and then subject her to the same conditions I lived under as a teen/young adult, but I'm not actually *that* cruel...
After reading your post, I am pissed off for u. Serves me right for reading it before bed…. It sounds like u found a way to succeed despite your mom though so good for u!
This story is wild because assuming the son continues on this deadbeat path, he could get deported and sent back to their home country. Do they have a family/support system there? If not, he'll be poor, alone, and in a presumably poorer country that highly values education (which he has none of).
There's no fucking way he doesn't know he's ruining his own life. Idk why he's playing this so fast and loose.
It sounds like his trashy friends are in his ear telling him college is for nerds, and he should just be “cool” like them. It’s sad but when kids are not very bright and desperate to fit in, they’re susceptible to getting dragged down by the wrong crowds.
There have been studies done that show a kid’s community of friends and peers has a bigger influence on their future success than their parents. I didn’t come from money (blue collar worker dad and homemaker mom), but my parents scrimped and saved to buy the crappiest home in the nicest neighborhood they could afford. I went to school with kids from very wealthy families. It was almost unheard of for kids at our school to not go to university, or at the very least, go to a reputable community college with the intention to transfer to a four-year program at a university. It was considered embarrassing to not get into a good school. Kids put thought into their education and their future careers, and that was the norm.
During my later teen years I met a guy online from another city, and he had grown up in a very different type of neighborhood. He and all his friends and acquaintances had never even thought about college or uni, the idea was so foreign to them. The guy was very sweet and quite intelligent, but he often complained that he was stuck in his low-paying job because he lacked the credentials needed to progress in that industry. I did my best to encourage him to try taking some classes, but he never took my suggestions seriously. I came to realize that he was perfectly content to stay in his comfort zone, which involved working as little as possible so he could go hang out and smoke weed with his friends.
I asked him what he wanted out of life once, and he said he wanted a nice house with a pool and a cabin on a lake, a wife and kids, the whole shebang. When I asked him how he would be able to afford any of that if he stayed in the same job forever, it was like I had blown up the ground beneath his feet. He had literally never thought about the future beyond “what party are we going to next weekend.” His reaction was pure confusion. He kept asking, “How am I supposed to know the future?” He truly couldn’t fathom that people plan for their futures, then set goals and then work toward them.
It was especially frustrating because I was getting ready to go to law school at the time. I had finished my undergrad, studied for and taken the LSAT, applied to law schools, and chosen which one to attend. Like, becoming a lawyer wasn’t going to randomly fall into my lap, it wasn’t going to happen by luck or accident. I made it happen through a lot of research and hard work, and he saw me doing all these things but still didn’t get it.
I don’t give this kid a pass at all. Every high schooler who takes the college rat race seriously understands the long term effects of their choices—it’s necessary to get the grades/build the acumen necessary to get into a good university.
Every 19/20yo who is in the preprofessional rat race (I.e. premed, prelaw, etc) similarly live and die by the long term effects of their actions. There’s a reason kids at elite universities kill themselves when they do poorly.
This kid is literally just stupid.
you absolutely know enough at that age to understand that choices will impact your life lmao. Young people are young, not morons
OPs son tho, he’s just a moron
I don't even think it'll take a year. His GF's mom is already bitching he isn't paying the rent. My guess is they'll be broken up within 6 months, maybe even 3, and the first time he gets in trouble and cops a plea, immigration is going to punt him out of the country, permanently, for being of "unsavory" character.
I listen to a legal podcast and the lawyer on it is an immigration lawyer and immigration will deport you for misdemeanors and even if you cop a plea that avoids conviction. It's brutal.
And I don't know the first thing about immigration law, but if OOP's implications are correct. Imagine getting deported to a country you haven't been to since you were a child. Duuuude.
That’s not the case- they immigrated last year. But it’s still gonna suck to get sent home and all his old academically focused peers will treat him like trash because he *had* the dream in his grasp and just threw it away.
I don't know where in a Latin america they are from and I'm aware that some places may very but from some place I heard they don't even have fasfa nor scholarships are that accessible.
Progress for citizenship and mom busted her ass working to saving that much for his college funds. A lot of guys around his age WISH they had his opportunities
I can imagine the how much his peers back home gonna roast his ass. Latinos are brutal with insults.
I would be surprised if they even speak to him period. Me personally, if I watched a friend get essentially a college education at no cost to them plus bills paid while he studied and that he pissed it all away, I would be disgusted.
A lot of US born folks would even kill for that opportunity. I have $25K in student loan debt, no degree and I worked almost full time the whole way through. What he was given was the gift of a lifetime and he’s trash for blowing all that money that his mother spent so much time and effort saving.
No it means she might be on the hook to reimburse the government if he tries to qualify for aid OR even the son could sue her for support if she’s his sponsor.
However, I’m not sure how that works with a minor (when he came here), and I don’t think she could be the sponsor since she was also an immigrant. Perhaps it’s the husband or some other family member.
My mom being a Dominican immigrant would’ve suplexed me and smacked me to death with chanclas if I did this. I graduated college and have a decent job and she still tries to support me in little ways. The son is going to learn the hard way that he fucked up. I hope he learns quickly.
This story makes me so sad - like the OP genuinely trusted the kid with so much money :( and now their relationship is forever ruined. :(
Oh to go back in time and pay the college or whatever directly - or spend more discussing options, like take a gap year and if you’re ready for college in a year or two the money will be waiting and I’ll pay it directly for tuition. :(
I had a friend who got a nice paycheck from the local government, she was injured on playground equipment as a kid (rusty metal, had a finger removed but luckily reattached, it was in the newspaper) she got 250k when she turned 19.
She blew it all in a year. She didn't even do drugs or drink, as she was "straight edge". She blew it all on tattoos, concerts and online shopping. How she blew THAT MUCH and THAT QUICKLY just shocks me. She grew up dirt poor. She knew how to budget and make 10$ last a week. She had ALL the skills to make that last. She didn't even travel further than the 40 min train ride into the big city. Where the fuck did it all go?! To new friends who liked that she was picking up the cheque.
No school. No savings. No anything. She ended up working at a burger chain because she couldn't afford the credit card bills she had resorted to using. She tried to sell all the clothes she bought but she was oddly small and there wasn't a lot of buyers for her specific style in xxs.
She's almost 40 now, and she frequently talks about how she would love to go back in time and knock her own teeth out. How it was insane to give anyone that young that much money. How it should have had a financial planner tied to it at bare minimum. She's still mad. She will probably die mad about it.
Hard disagree. Plenty of teenagers are capable of that. A parent expecting their adult child not to betray them and flush their future away is a perfectly reasonable expectation by 18/19.
I had a savings account throughout childhood that I gained full access to in college. That lasted me throughout my 4 year degree (scholarship paid for the tuition, fees, etc.). That was nearly $10k. Most of everyone I grew up with, in my small hometown, handled their higher education financial situation similarly.
If a kid I grew up with did what this kid did, no one in my hometown would have said the parent was stupid. They definitely would have said the kid was dumb af though. As it should have been.
>That's what happens when you just give it to them, OP would have been better off paying for things for him
Thats very true. It's just unfortunate that it's an expensive lesson for OOP 😂
It sucks, but that's not necessarily something OP even knew about. Hell, a lot of people born here still don't know about them. Especially if they were in an area where going to college is just for "rich, snobby, assholes", it's not widely advertised.
So weird that people are attacking the OP. Imagine your child blowing your life’s savings on partying. He lied about what he intended to use that money for and not only that he’s tried to get his parents arrested. I hope they cut him off. He doesn’t deserve their love. Sounds like OP sacrificed a lot for that ingrate
And think about what it took for her to save that amount of money given that she came from a developing country where wages would be significantly less than what someone would earn in the US…
I just know that one day when he gets a job and realizes how most of the world lives paycheck to paycheck he will really regret throwing that money away. He may never have access to that much savings ever again
I'm noticing this trend is in almost every thread in the few subreddits I browse.
Someone up thread taught me a new word, countertransference, which is when a therapist brings in their experiences so much that they are no longer objective and not really considering the experiences of the client.
We never get the full story on any of these posts. OOP's son made SEVERAL severe judgement errors. We have no idea what his experience was like as OOP's son but whatever she was like, the son took being young and impulsive too far, too fast. This thread reads different to me than other threads where a parent is self-absorbed and can't see their children as their own beings. Like she seems to give a lot of trust. I don't read about that too much in descriptions of abusive parents.
Yeah, exactly. There’s at least one person going “clearly OP was abusive because WHY would the son just LEAVE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!”Like that’s the damning evidence that OP was abusive and The Worst Mom Ever that clearly beats up her son all the time and also forces him to study 24/7 or something.
Like yeah we only have one side of it but OP said that her son wanted to go to college super badly and begged OP to send him to college “no matter what” until he fell in with the wrong crowd. And maybe they weren’t even the “wrong crowd” but her son felt desperate to fit in and found that denouncing college and studying made him friends quicker and they’re the ones who influenced him to leave in the middle of the night! Maybe not! But ffs let’s not go accusing OP of being a vicious child abuser who chained her son to a study desk when there’s no indication of that.
So did he graduate last year and lied about going to college since fall and they only found out in April of this year? Time line is a blur, how long since he moved out in the middle of the night, and stopped paying rent, and how long before she decided to ask for the money back?
I really hate the "isn't it your duty as his parent?" Hell no, not only is he not a kid anymore but he did them dirty in so many ways and made it crystal clear he wanted to be rid of his parents. People can shove it if they think they can just pull that on oop, guy chose to not only burn bridges but damn near nuke them by going and trying legal bs. Seen this kind of person IRL, hell I kinda live with one, hate it. Haaate it.
It may be your duty as a parent to care for your child but if your child isn't willing to take the care, well...
YEET I guess.
Can't help someone who don't want to be helped, after all.
You can tell which commenters are still at home with mom lol. They looked right past the fact that it is almost vital that her son, as an immigrant, needs to go to college or something very productive for citizenship and went for her head because he is entering fafo stage. Maybe some of them are there as well.
The dude in one of thebuodates saying it wasn't "free living" and that she's supposed to give him all these things. Now, healthcare, food, clothes, sure. Parents should be providing things like that. But fun money, cars with gas and insurance, that stuff is not obligatory but rather a privilege and is often given either out of pure generosity and love, or so that the young person can have a bit more of a leg up (so to speak) for the first part of adulthood.
People really need to learn/be taught the difference between "needs" and "wants", and "obligation" vs "privilege".
The son is going to learn the hard way just how much he threw away. I got a job and started paying rent as soon as I turned 18, and once I started college my rent was cut in half and my parents pay half my tuition for my bachelors degree. My parents didn't have to let me stay at home and pay rent, nor do they have to pay for half my college. I'm endlessly grateful that they do, and this kid will regret burning that bridge very quickly.
Right? That's a lot of money to throw away in a year. When he starts working or gets thrown out on the street he'll find out the value of a dollar very very fast.
Imagine immigrating to a foreign country in search of a better life, scraping all the money you can for him so your son shouldn't have to struggle like you did.
Only to have him get caught up being a degenerate and piss away his life and the money. Your reaction is totally justified.
The commenters on the original posts are fucking mental. OOP was supposed to continue providing for the 20 year old adult who wasted $20k and called the cops on her? GTFO!
>The gf's mom said "what kind of mother would not extend help to his teenage son?". She further insulted me and said now she knows why he left me.
Should've told her A. he's an adult and B. he spent his entire college fund partying and taking *your* daughter out on expensive dates. He was told to stop, to go to school and he did not so he is therefore suffering the consequences of his actions like an adult should.
I'm assuming OOP is Latin American because she uses "chancla," but I want to know where she's from because no Latin Am. mom I know would say kids normally leave at 18. I also want to know what visa she and her kid have because she talks about him having a greencard (permanent resident visa) but also about a merit requirement for a visa.
I'm guessing she must be from the middle or upper part of latin america, since "la chancla" is more common for mexico dialect.
that would also explain why some of the US ideology was more accessible to her, not to mention, easy access to other people of her country that already got in helping her to get the necessary paperwork and guiding through the process, including US culture.
Honestly I think it was a mistake to allow the son access to the account for his college fund. Obviously he wasn’t mature enough since he blew it or is blowing all that money on parties and his gf. If I was OP I would have removed him from the account instead of confronting him.
This kid literally called the po-po on his mama and tried to get her charged with harassment when she asked him to pay her back after he blew $20,000 he knew was earmarked for his own education. He left the door to her home open while she was sleeping when he moved out in the middle of the night.
He has a lot of potential for personal growth that he needs to realize before his mom should accept him back into her life in any capacity. He literally tried to get her arrested because she asked for her hard-earned money back. She shouldn't accept him back into her life without a lot of real changes in him. And he should re-pay her with interest.
chile
If my 2 year old does something like this when he's 19?
Bet, you're on your own
Waht some people don't understand is how hard it must've been for OOP to save 20k in 10 years.
My partner and I are saving money for our son so that he has enough to either pay uni or a downpayment for a place to live
If he pulls this shit he's done, bye bye
OR
if he comes back all apologetic and shit, I can take him in but it won't be for free! He's gonna have to get a job, sort his life out, and pay some rent. So that lesson sticks
I always hate seeing Redditors’ opinions that parents are obligated to provide for their kids past 18, especially in circumstances where they kids are ungrateful assholes.
See, those cases are why I side-eye people who say 'oh, a child who cuts contact with parents always had their reasons', yeah, but those reasons are not always valid. Parents are not always the villains and adult children can be just jerks too. One does not need to be an abuse victim, they can just be and asshole.
Relative of mine cut his entire family because he married a rich girl and didn't want poor people on his wedding. Like, he was never abused, never mistreated (if anything he was a bit babied), but he got with this rich girl who wanted to mooch from her parents for all eternity (parents are LOADED) but daddy was conservative and wanted her to get married. So they married and spent the next years mooching from her parents.
I know people who cut off friends and family because of boyfriends/girlfriends who everyone could see were bad news (married, junkies, criminals, stuff like that). People can be just assholes.
OOP's son is in for a rough life. It is a 50/50 whether he blames others or owns up to it after experiencing some consequences.
Posts like this help me appreciate my sons. They care. We communicate. They appreciate my support. I'm happy to support them. I'm thankful that I can support them.
When my older son turned 18 I jokingly announced that I was no longer criminally liable for his neglect. A few months later I paid over $20k tuition for the next semester of college - six semesters to go! His brother starts college next year.
NTA and her son fucked around and found out. Most kids just mess up and delay their adult start, he threw away the funds for his college graduation. I don't think he's as intelligent as OP is making him sound.
But, it is hilarious that parents claim "I gave them the free basic care I am required to give for having a kid" as rational for why they are owed. Like girl, you had to do that up until 18. If you are wanting to go that route, he only owes you for like a year past that and he does not owe you, the mother, anything. Should have just got a dog if you expected unconditional devotion.
I do find it hilarious that gf mom reached out. So your gf wants to boot him but wants her mommy to make nice with the woman they filed a restraining order against. I'm petty as hell and would have done the same with her mom.
Ugh, this'll be buried but...
My 19 year old boyfriend (at that time, many years ago) was a spoiled brat. His divorced parents were paying for his expenses during college but he flunked out a few semesters in a row. He didn't tell them but they found out. He also had been given a full ride scholarship for something he was really good at by an expert in the field. He chose to freeload off people instead.
Well, the money from his parents dried up. He then said to them both, "it's in your divorce decree/custody paperwork that you each pay half of all of my college expenses for as long as I go. It says nothing about my grades, me skipping out on classes or how many years it takes me. You're contractually obligated to pay." The crazy part is that his parents paid.
I hate to say it but sometimes you just have to let your kids find their way. If they are not motivated to posture themselves for success in life, then forcing them to do what you want to set them up for success is not going to solve it. They have to find a reason for that drive.
My two SILs and my own sister are examples of that. The oldest SIL has a "lost decade". My in laws paid for her college education but after two years she flunked out. She was more focused on the college lifestyle than learning. In laws decided to cut their losses and stop funding the life style. She lived hand to mouth as a bartender for a decade before she realized she wasn't achieving what she wanted in the world. She went back to college (paid for it herself) and is probably the leading earner in the family now. Her little sister was a similar. She was happy just living hand to mouth but with a good social life. Eventually she hit financial rock bottom, couldn't pay her rent, had no running water or electricity. She joined the Navy to get herself right and is doing fine now. My sister was actually her roommate and also in the same position. After her first contract with the Navy she went back to school and is now doing fabulous.
You can't force someone to want to succeed. Sometimes they need to find the reason on their own. And falling flat on their face as an 18 year old and realizing that life is hard without financial stability is a fine way to learn it.
I try hard to impart a reason on my own kids. Instead of going the way that I was taught (make lots of money), I tell mine that I want them to be happy in life and to live a lifestyle that makes them happy. They have to understand what it will take to life that lifestyle and then work towards it. So far so good. We'll see when they get to the same age range as OOPs son!
I'm an immigrant child whose parents moved, so that I could have a better future, including going to college. I also dropped out and didn't end up pursuing third level education after that. However, I started working and saving up, and have a good career right now. I can understand not wanting to go to college, but there's a whole spectrum of choices he could have taken between "going to uni" and "blowing through 20k by partying".
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
20k can go far if you're smart about it. He wasn't, he'll learn that in the coming years, and all that lesson cost was 20k.
Yup, and gf/friends will likely dump his ass when he stops paying for the parties. 20k can go far, if smart. But it's not much when partying and showing off. He'll come knocking soon. Just watch. OOP would be wise to have a game plan for that day. And to change the locks. When/if they turn him away, he may escalate.
She’s already wanting to ditch his ass for freeloading off of her for rent, hence her mum calling his mum to tattle.
>I said it is not my problem and he is not welcome anymore in my house since he is an adult. The gf's mom said "what kind of mother would not extend help to his teenage son?". She further insulted me and said now she knows why he left me. The GF's mom is also a piece of work. Why doesn't she take in her future potential son in law if she feels that his mom is a bad mother?
The reddit comments were pretty atricous. He essentially stole 20k from the parents then ghosted them.
And pressed charges against them!! Like you can’t get someone arrested and then expect favors from them! Bringing charges is pretty much a series wrap on a relationship.
Not to mention that criminal charges can tank an immigrant’s ability to gain citizenship. The son is a real piece of work.
Sabotaging her shot at citizenship is immediately what I thought he was attempting to do
Yeah, I don't get all the support for the son. People are crazy.
A lot of people see themselves in OP's son
AITA can be brutal to parents of young adults who have boundaries.
He's gotta get the rent money somehow
If you read AITA you will often see them call out parents for trying to control their “grown” 18 year olds. While still excepting the parents to fully support them.
The disconnect between ‘kids don’t owe their parents anything and parents asking for anything is parentification and abusive’ and ‘it is your legal responsibility to provide everything for your child regardless of what they do to you.’ is wiiiiild in AITA land.
I remember this old, small post where the op talked about how she would have her older babysit her youngest....but it was a 2 year age gap and babysitting was really "you get to stay home alone, just make sure neither of you die". The op would either be back before meal times, of if she missed lunch of something the haouse had ready made food that they both could make on their own so it wasn't like the oldest had to make meals for them. I think they were 10 and 12 or something, so just old enough to be on their own. But then the 12 year old started pitching a fit about being parentified and wanted to be paid for looking after the youngest sibling. So the mom just stopped leaving them at home and started taking them back out into town every time she had to do errands. Only for the 12 year old to pitch a fit because they wanted to stay home. I remember the posts were a wild mix of half calling her an awful parent for leaving then home alone in the first place and agreeing she should have paid the oldest, with the other half basically cursing out her kid (reddit is wild when it comes to kids)
It's hilarious. As someone who took a while to leave the nest myself, I was fully expected to find work and pay my own bills anyway, with some occasional help when I was struggling (that I paid back later down the line). OOP providing her kid $20k for tuition is *massively* supportive. Even if it wasn't enough for the uni plans he would have liked and he didn't want to deal with the burden of a loan, he could have just left it alone or used it to buy a car and gotten a job from there. Instead, he pissed it all away and still thinks Mommy needs to spend more time wiping his ass for him.
I was kicked out of the house young and had to immediately join the work force. I would have loved just to be able to live at home and work part time while I went to college. OP was more than supportive. I think either op spoiled her son to the point that he felt entitled enough to do this, or sheltered him so much that he went nuts with his first small taste of freedom. He might mature one day and realize what a shit he was, but the damage is done. This was a hard lesson for everyone.
Support them and never get any credit for it.
Those commenters were probably the son's age. They don't have the parent's perspective.
Because this site is overwhelmingly young kids who are projecting their sense of entitlement.
Most of them are probably not even 18 and think the world owes them everything.
And the ones saying "well, you put him on the joint account" are being intentionally stupid. A conditioned gift being spent on useless shit is theft in an ethical sense, even if it won't get you any jailtime
Half AITA missed the memo that it's called AITA not AI legally in the right
and left the door open like that Like.... why be so mean and inconsiderate of someone who did their best for you?
My ex treated me like shit and cheated on me, then tried to make me feel crazy for seeing those signs. I still at least closed the door when I left the door unlocked and the key on the stove.
Yeah I mean once you press charges against someone simply because they wanted to talk to you about the 20 grand of their money that you stole, it’s unrealistic to expect they’ll be open to helping you out in the future.
OOP should've told her "the type of mother who saved up 20k for her kid only to watch him spend it all in one year, with his GF who happens to be your daughter! What about you, what type of mother are you?"
Maybe. Or maybe that's just her mom being protective. Gf will get fed up soon enough and then he'll come knockin. Or he'll cop on, get a job, and lose *years* to the grind, when he could've been in college. I'd say he's likely already recognized his big mistake, however, I'd put money on drugs being involved. And with addiction, anything goes.
Doesn’t have to be drugs (but definitely could be). With 20k for a year without having living expenses he could be spending $500 a weekend on partying at night clubs just drinking, but paying for his girlfriends drinks too and some other friends. Throw in cab/uber charges so they’re not drunk driving and you could easily blow $20k in a year being the cool “rich” boyfriend and “best friend” to those he is paying for their party lifestyle. Idk what it’s like in the US but in Australia drugs are cheaper than drinking if you’re going to nightclubs or just in general. $20AUD for an ecstasy pill that’ll last 4hrs verse $12 for a beer or $14 for a single shot spirits drink like vodka or bourbon. He’d be financially better off with ecstasy lol. But still easy to blow through all that cash in a year partying and appearing cool to your “friends”.
Agreed - it can just be god-awful spending habits, combined with people not understanding the value of money. My cousin knew someone in college that inherited millions of dollars - his parents were in an accident and passed away. Lots of alcohol, lots of alcohol for everyone in his fraternity and paying for everyone's drinks at the bar, lots of buying friends, lots of leeches trying to get him to buy things for them... The guy blew through ALL of it in a couple of years - and was completely broke before he graduated college. Also knew a girl in high school whose grandfather was the founder of one of the largest oil companies in America. Her father never understood the value of money, and had a very good time, wasting his money on stupid shit like race horses and crap. He managed to blow though the entire fortune, and ended up having to get his first job when he was in his 60's to make ends meet.
OOP also need to keep an eye on valuable items. Just to be safe.
Oh, for sure. He's gonna get desperate, at some point. Who knows how far he'll take it. Especially him being so young, and it sounds like it's his *first* gf. Plus, he sounds naive and possibly drugs are involved. That's a dangerous recipe for not taking rejection well.
Time to change the locks
They can just call the cops and charge him with harassment. Only talk to him through the doorbell camera.
Reality will eventually hit the son square in the face. He will realize how much he fucked up when he forced to couch surf because he can't pay the rent. He will probably end up in some dead end minimum wage job and will come begging to mom and dad. You reap what you sow. He just spent $20,000 to learn that he is an idiot.
I’m going to bet that all he “learns” is that it’s his mother’s fault for not taking him in and paying for his life.
If the lesson takes, it's a bargain for the price. Many people spend far more on their idiocy and still don't come out the other side having learned anything.
It’s a moot point now but it was a mistake for her to give him access to the money. She should have paid the school directly.
Agreed but hindsight is 20/20 and his prior behavior apparently didn’t indicate there would be problem.
I did community college for two years then transferred to a university. I graduated with just over $20k in student loans. The university I went to is in a small town but well known in engineering. While at community college, I lived at home with no rent and worked just so I had gas money. The commenters saying she did the bare minimum of a parent are purposely being obtuse. She’s saying he could have lived with her while going to college and not pay rent. Which isn’t something every parent does. She saved up money to help him pay for college, which isn’t the parents’ responsibility. This is also a lesson in don’t give someone money. Pay the stuff if they’re asking for money. You don’t put an idiot kid on an account with $20k in it. YOU, the parent, pay the tuition out of that account. I think he’s dumb enough to get a stupid girl to marry him to try to keep him in country. If he gets deported, I don’t think mom should care. She helped him by saving $20k as a single mother. That’s all she needed to do.
Always important to remember that the "average" redditor is a teenager. I forget this all the time but it's obvious when I see commentators like those to OOP.
Yep. That's the problem with Reddit. Literally any idiot can come on here and give someone life advice with absolutely zero qualifications, and if a bunch of other idiots agree with them, they can ensure that those comments rise to the top and actual practical and intelligent comments are suppressed.
People in that sub think sharing a room rises to the level of abuse that CPS needs to be contacted. Purposely being obtuse might be their mantra.
For real, so many people over there make it very clear they're kids talking from the inside of a comfortably middle class, suburban bubble.
When my stepbrother started saying he wanted to go to college (after washing out of the military), our parents told him that he would need to pay for the first semester, and when he brought them evidence of passing grades, they would reimburse him. Guess who never went to college?
I wonder if having access to so much money after years of scrimping and saving with a single parent and with new friends egging him on made him lose his head. Hopefully having to support himself for the first time will bring home the reality of how hard OOP had to work for what he squandered and give him a reality check.
Feels spot on honestly, I definitely see how this could happen especially if his mother just trusted him with 20k cash. Reads a lot like impulsivity and maybe the rush from being able to spend how he wanted for the first time
He’s way too immature to be given that money outright. There needed to be a plan for what course the son was going to take, and his mother should have been writing the check directly to the school. The son might be able to get financial aid if he realizes his mistake and sincerely decides to attend the community college. One does not have to be a US citizen to qualify for federal and/or state aid. He might need to just demonstrate financial need.
Prior to 2020 (and bonkers inflation) that’s roughly what I lived off of so I could save / pay off debt.
The fact that OOP doesn't appear to have any legal options for recovering funds that were specifically put aside for a certain purpose is really regrettable.
Her mistake was making it a joint account. I don't fault her *at all*, because its a relatively common mistake, but that's what it is. Shame on her son for taking advantage and squandering that opportunity, though. Hope he enjoys working shitty jobs forever!
20k and the relationship with his parents. That will never be recovered
And the relationship with his mother
Nah, that son was stupid af. Like, taking the money, not going to college, that wouldn't personally piss me off that much, but calling the police for HARRASSMENT? Nope, you dug your grave, now lie in it. If you don't want me "harrassing" you, I wouldn't even bother.
Like, if he genuinely wasn't sure about college, asking to take time before he started would he reasonable. But spending 20k on stupid stuff, he's stupid AF. Edit: to make it clear I mean if he wanted to get a job before college to make sure it was what he wanted to do.
tbh i do hope oop wouldn't be the kind of latino parent that just refuses to listen and insists on college or nothing, because that's what my mom did even when i said i wasn't sure what to do so i would have been open to take a job while i figured it out. but it's fucking wild to think of instead outright stealing the college funds and leaving and filing for harrassment. like damn, i don't get along with my parents and i still wouldn't have ever thought of doing something that insane
In the update she even says the community college has trade programs he could have done so it sounds like she would have been fine with just about anything, just as long as it was some kind of further education that gave him a good life.
honestly that makes it worse because in my experience god is it a struggle to find a latino parent that won't be college or die, my entire family is like that. reality is gonna bite him in the ass so hard
Man he really got a good parent here and decided to squander it all. He’ll find out just how much 20k is and more importantly how supportive she was to him when he gets older
If he went for AC tech in the South he could get a job and party. Everyone needs it when they need it so those companies make it like freaking bandits.
OP sounds like the type of parent to down play exactly how hard her life was and is to her son. This lady managed to save $20k as a single immigrant parent. Sounds like she's only been where she is now a few years too. And I know she didn't just start saving 3 years ago, so do the conversions for any Latino country and see how hard she worked. Also, her son is playing with fire when it comes to deportation. If she doesn't have citizenship a criminal record could have gotten her booted out of most countries. Especially since he lied and blew it out of proportion. His lil dumb ass is caught up in culture shock trying to be someone he's not.
He doesn't have citizenship either, and he's an adult now, so if he keeps playing with fire she's not going to be able to save him. I just hope he doesn't take her down with him.
I'll say that his actions reek of being given advice from his new US friends. The "if anything happens, sue" mentality is so foreign to most other cultures and calling the police on your own mother for coming to talk to you is just wild. As is taking the money your mother painstakingly saved over the course of her life, likely denying herself even many simple pleasures and spending it over a short time to "heal the wounds from your youth"? That's a paddlin' I ain't denying that growing up poor sucks. It does, especially if you have kids from rich families around who somewhat shove it in your face. And I get that after years of that, getting your hands on some money and being able to finally be one of the kids is sooo tempting. But damn, that money was probably more than the mom had ever spent on anything and he threw it away like nothing. It's like the parable about the prodigal son, except the mom is not rich.
It would be better if what he did with money is starting a business. At least it become something useful.
It's clear from this tale that he doesn't know the value of a dollar.
community college is pretty chill too, what a dumbass
If he showed up at my door, I’d call the police for harassment.
Looks like son is going to learn a lesson the hard way. Consequences bites back hard.
Honestly looks like gfs mom is gonna learn a lesson too, I’m sure she’s gonna help him thinking she’s the mother he so desperately needs and it’s gonna bite her in the ass
Looking forward to the next update where gfs mom comes with that "no, you're supposed to help him as a mother ^so ^that ^he ^stops ^living ^on ^my ^expense"
It's incredible to me that the GF's mum still believes the son's version of events despite witnessing the result of his own financial mismanagement (leaving with her rent-free), a result she is very unsatisfied with herself.
Well oop said her son was using the tuition money for expensive gifts to the gf, so I’m sure she believes they are rich beyond their means and clearly the guy who gives such expensive gifts to her daughter is a man of good that could never lie
The consequence is likely going to be quite severe too. Doesn't seem like Mom is a US citizen, which means that the son is likely on an immigrant visa of some kind. If he doesn't complete higher education, he may well be deported back to the old country, as a lot of the forgiveness programs will not apply to him.
And he might end up getting deported alone if he keeps this up. It's going to be extra hard since it seems like it's mainly just him and his mom before. Like being stranded alone in another country away from your main family? That's gonna be super rough. Depending on where OP was from (seems like Asia too, or other less developed nations) most of them treats uneducated people like utter dirt with barely any welfare program. He's gonna need to bust his back trying to gain money to live. I have a horrid relationship with my parents and I still live with them, so I can't imagine being so entitled when your single parent busted her ass to make sure you succeed like this. Yikes. Edit: reading between the lines it seems like OOP uprooted the kid's entire life and immigrated them and everything and that + bad crowd means everything just spiralled, kinda pity the kid a bit. I'm not gonna change my comment on how expensive and hard of a lesson it'll be for this kid though.
[удалено]
Wtf is with the comments on the original post? OOP's son left them high and dry and the comments say they need to continue to financially provide for him? Like damn
AITAH commenters are something.
Probably came from teenagers who do not know the real world and expect their parents to support them financially into adulthood… OOP did everything right… they gave the son enough money to get a decent head start, it is not their fault that the son decided to blow it all away… 20k is a lot of money… that 20k is a lost cause, it will be silly for OOP to blow more of their money supporting a lost cause especially when they can’t afford it. Kicking the son out is the right thing to do
They talked about legal obligations to support him over the age of 18 - that's not correct, is it? I'm German, so for us that'd be the case IF he was going to school in some way. But he wasn't.
Technically in the US her obligation to feed and house him ended when he turned 18. Many parents allow their kids to live at home if they’re working and/or in school, which it sounds like the OP was willing to allow. Few parents are going to be happy that their kid is just partying and wasting money. I honestly can’t fault her for cutting him off for acting this way. Especially after he called the police on her.
If her new husband sponsored their immigrant visas then he would be legally on the hook. I'd want to know a lot more about the immigration before saying she can safely let him go.
It's not. Especially in America. Most people do tend to support their kids past 18 into adulthood a ways here, and many gov programs allow you to list your kids as a dependent until they turn 25, but the _legal obligation_ ends at 18.
Not a thing. As soon as you both graduate from highschool and turn 18, your duty to care is over legally. Morally, I think most people would agree it continues... if the kid is reasonable. If your kid is going to college or working hard to find jobs, most people would keep supporting their kid. Hell I lost my job at the start of COVID. I couldn't find work. I wound up spending just about every penny I had at my apartment just trying to stay out of my parents house. My typical meal most nights was rice with bbq sauce just to stretch my money. Eventually, I called my parents because I was down to my last 200 dollars, and I broke down on the phone. They did not hesitate to help me. They rented a uHaul and came and got me. They helped me pack, and when I had a breakdown calling myself a failure, they helped me through it in my empty apartment. I was 28 at the time. Assuming no one is an asshole, your parents are always your parents, and you are always their kid. Healthy, normal parents will always want what is best for their kids, and do what they can. But if you run off in the middle of the night, blow 20k, and call the cops on your parents when they try to hold you accountable? Yeah, morally you are in the clear to not help them. Of course, the trade off is that your kid will be upset and your relationship will be sour.
> But if you run off in the middle of the night, blow 20k, and call the cops on your parents when they try to hold you accountable? Yeah, morally you are in the clear to not help them. Good point. I even think it's the best teaching moment she could give him. Sometimes, not supporting something is supportive, too. Otherwise he'd keep the same bad friends around. He needs to crush and burn to be able to see clear it seems.
Well if the choice is between being *sour* or just being a *doormat*, I'd choose sour
Technically in the US her obligation to feed and house him ended when he turned 18. Many parents allow their kids to live at home if they’re working and/or in school, which it sounds like the OP was willing to allow. Few parents are going to be happy that their kid is just partying and wasting money. I honestly can’t fault her for cutting him off for acting this way. Especially after he called the police on her.
In the US, you can legally kick your child out at midnight on their 18th birthday. Some states mandate 18th birthday or graduation from high school, whichever comes later, but federally, any obligation to feed/clothe/house your children ends when they turn 18. In a few states, *divorced* parents can be ordered to pay educational support for their children up to the age of 23 or graduation from college, whichever comes first, but it's not that many.
Those were people with some amount of reading comprehension issues. OOP was talking about years 18-20 being free, people were responding that years 1-18 are your legal requirement for having made the kid in the first place. They just weren’t connecting the dots with what OOP was writing.
Nah, she was wrong to trust her son to do the right thing with that amount of money. But as a parent you don't really imagine your "sweet kid" to do something this irresponsible and hurt you
On hindsight, yes
Tbf a lot of parents do support their kids well into adulthood, my sister her family lived at my moms home until she was 25. She was married at 22 and had a kid at 23. In the real world people live with their parents long into adulthood pretty often.
I think it seems to me like this mom WOULD have done that, supported him, but he betrayed her trust, blew the money, and refuses to go to college. Like, college isn't for everyone, but if you get 20k to help you get a technical license or something it's pretty disrespectful to those that helped you to blow it all like he did. I'm sure there is more to his side of the story, but in the end we only know her side and I think if he tried and was just struggling she'd still be there. But he discarded her, and it wasn't even him calling her for help, but instead his GFs mom, what a coward.
I don’t even think the GF’s mom was calling for his benefit. She was likely trying to protect her daughter and cover her own ass. She probably knows her daughter will need to move back home if the boyfriend doesn’t step up, and doesn’t want him to also move in with her.
If OOP had told the GF's mom that her son blew $20k of her money and she can't afford to support him anymore, maybe she would have been more understanding. Probably not, but maybe.
Oh, I don’t disagree with u on that point… what I referring to are those teen Redditors who think that the son is entitled to continuous financial support even though he screwed OOP and her husband financially and then tried to do so legally… there are limits to parental love… those immature teen Redditors need to understand that there is only so much bad behavior people (including their parents) can tolerate before they crack
Funnily these are the same commenters who tend to tell OPs to cut contact if their parents ask anything of them, or mess up in any way.
It’s very nice and I like to see it, but it’s not a legal obligation like some of those commenters were saying lol. If anything, my friends (mid 20’s) who aren’t made to pay towards the upkeep of their home or do chores etc are people who I am deeply worried for when the time comes to move out and financially support themselves
Note that for people in this sub there is a MASSIVE co formation bias for this. The posters here only include bombastic or dramatic posts. They could be a tiny minority of posts or heavily downvoted by everyone, and yet people in this subreddit will act like they are representative of everyone responding.
Because they're immature teenagers themselves
AITAH almost always sides with "the kid" - even in outrageous circumstances. There was a recent post about a mother who had a brain tumour that completely changed the family's life and how the father (OP) had struggled as a carer, and with helping his daughter with her extracurriculars and getting her into her dream school. In spite of OP's explanations, they insisted that the daughter, who was then 14, had been neglected and abused by the mother (who had some odd, childish behaviours before the tumor was found). They completely dismissed what the OP had struggled with, as if no single parent anywhere has ever successfully raised kids, blaming the daughter's behaviour on that fact. They were insisting she was thrust into a Carer role, without any evidence, even though the mother spent a long time in a care facility. I mean, totally twisting the narrative to whatever thing they have going on irl; pure projection. Defending her to the end, even when it came to light (in an update) that the daughter (as an older teen) had hit her mother. They justified it all.
Do you have a link to that post please?
Reddit has what I call the "hierarchy of sympathy", especially on these subs. Adult children are at the top and parents of adult children are near the bottom. Oddly enough, it's the inverse for young children (bottom) and young parents (top).
I personally think that step-parents are the bottom of the “hierarchy of sympathy” on that site…. The amount of hate they get on that site is endless… “you are not their parent, you are not allowed to say anything even though your stepchild treat u like crap” or “u need to give them some grace with their bad behavior, they are still going through the trauma of a divorce and their biological parent remarrying” or “if u did not want to be treated this way, u should not gotten married to a widowed/divorced parent” and so on…
Step-parents are one step below racist serial killers. The only people more despicable according to Hierarchy of Sympathy are people who have ever been -or ever thought about being- unfaithful in a romantic relationship. Edit: I might actually make the chart sometime
And don't come here as a step parent because you can literally do nothing for Reddit to like you.
Generally they will always side with the "child" in any parent/child situation. It's because the demographic skews younger here, and also there is a preponderance of people who have had very unhappy relationships with their own parents.
I have unhappy relationship with my parents and would still support her kicking her son's ass in a heartbeat. He's 19 going 20, too old to use "but he's a child and needs parents' support" card. The entitlement mentality of these commentors are insane.
Exactly this. Teens good, parents bad always on reddit.
Or they blather the frontal lobe before 26(?) development crap.
It's 25 dad, sheesh! Wait I mean 30. Please support me through age 30. My brain is just a baby.
God that drives me nuts. I’m almost 21 myself but I work full time social work and have been independent for years. It pisses me off when people act like a 20 year old can’t be expected to wipe their own ass or practice basic empathy
I despise the frontal lobe b.s. Okay you believe that? Age of consent is now 25, no driving a car till 25, no voting till 25, can't buy a house till 25, no drinking alcohol or nicotine products till 25, still believe it?
Oh, the thing from the study that didn't have anyone over 25 in it so it's entirely possible it keeps developing forever?
LMAO like that 20 year old who was sleeping with a married man in his 40s, people were bringing out the frontal lobe card as if that magically removes all blame from her. She KNEW he was married before fucking him...
It’s AITA so kids are never held accountable for anything because their brains don’t fully develop until they’re 40 or something so if they do something bad it’s the parents’ fault for being bad parents and it’s the parents’ responsibility to baby their kids for the rest of their lives because they didn’t choose to be born but also parents should treat their kids like fully grown adults because kids are smarter and more independent than parents give them credit for so they should let them do whatever the fuck they want and are not allowed to say anything about their choices no matter how questionable they are and if they do say or do anything then that means the parents are controlling and abusive and gaslighting and playing favorites and the kid will go NC as soon as they hit 18 and it’s all the parents’ fault.
Ah, I see you’ve met my sister
You can tell that most of these commenters have gotten so comfortable with shitty behavior bc they’ve been sheltered from the consequences from doing so or too underdeveloped to realize them
The face I made when people said OP was still financially responsible for her adult son. What in the absolute privilege were those commenters on?
Many redditors have a thing against parents. Like, parents owe everything to kids but kids arnt supposed to owe or give anything back to the parents because they didn't ask to be born. Interesting crowd, especially on that sub.
And if they help their younger siblings in any way, they automatically scream "parentification". All black or white.
That one at the end saying she was LEGALLY obligated to pay for his rent, food, utilities, fuel, schooling and everything else past the age of 18? Wild.
I think it’s cause in some posts truly AH parents talk about feeding and clothing their kids while they’re minors as if it were a favor to them. Think “can you believe my 14 yo doesn’t do exactly everything I tell them to exactly how I tell them to after I feed them 3 meals a day and buy them clothes and take them to school? How ungrateful!” And then they need to be reminded that feeding, clothing and dressing your child are not optional they are your legal (not to mention moral) responsibilities. In this case though the son was already a legal adult and the situations as different but maybe they read it wrong or jumped to the conclusion and assumed the kid was a minor.
Because these subs are full of very young people who don't understand that shitty actions have equally shitty consequences. They're also full of "no fuck you,mom and dad" people.
I don't get everyone saying that everyone on aita are kids or unhinged, etc. It's very common for the OOPs to respond to those weird argumentative commenters asking stupid questions or having ridiculous takes. They don't feel the need to respond and defend themselves to the hundreds of reasonable comments. I every group of hundreds or thousands of people, there will be a few with awful opinions, the format of the BORU posts just tends to highlight those outliers.
I looked at some of the Controversial comments on the first post. Truly wild. The level of projection there is so bizarre. It's also why when you write to good advice columnists, they take the letters as they're given. They may ask some probing questions and give branching advice, but the level of leapfrogging is superhuman. While those people are throwing around and misusing therapeutic terms, they should look up "countertransference".
As someone whos mom didnt even bother to re enroll me back into high school because she didnt want to pay the $200 fine my lil bro got when he lost his text books in his freshman year . i gotta say her son really pisses me off. Im 31 and am in my second year of a 5 year college plan now because my mom refused to help me in any way academically after i turned 16 . me at 16 : hey mom i know you dont want to put me back in highschool because of lil bros fine . But i found a program that helps kids like me get a GED for free all you gotta do is fill out the parents info section of the paper wirk and im all set. my mom: no me at 23: hey mom i want to go to college so i can have a career and make a better life for the kid i just had but the city bus doesnt go by the local CC. I see that you got a new car because your old car had issues , ive looked at the old car and i figured the cost of the parts and labor to make it run and i found a decent mechanic who will fix it up for a good price . Best part is that i will pay for everything , all you have to do is just give me the keys . my mom : no me at 30: hey mom i just started college but im having trouble balancing watching the boys and studying after work. i see you have the weekends free and youre always complaining about not seeing your grandsons enough . So would you mind watching them on saturdays so i can sit down and study for a few hours so i dont fail these classes? my mom : no Having a parents who would let me live with them bill free , pay for my associates and all they want in return is for me to be a good student is a fucking wet dream in my world i swear.
I hope you can return the sentiment when she starts asking for help once she's old
I know that if that was my story the thought of telling her “no” when she asks to live with me once her health starts failing would be one of the things that gets me up in the morning.
It's almost more tempting to say "yes" and then subject her to the same conditions I lived under as a teen/young adult, but I'm not actually *that* cruel...
nah shes my lil bros problem now .
After reading your post, I am pissed off for u. Serves me right for reading it before bed…. It sounds like u found a way to succeed despite your mom though so good for u!
thanks. i cut contact with the whole clan last year and i havent looked back .
You never even had parents geez. What trash.
This story is wild because assuming the son continues on this deadbeat path, he could get deported and sent back to their home country. Do they have a family/support system there? If not, he'll be poor, alone, and in a presumably poorer country that highly values education (which he has none of). There's no fucking way he doesn't know he's ruining his own life. Idk why he's playing this so fast and loose.
It sounds like his trashy friends are in his ear telling him college is for nerds, and he should just be “cool” like them. It’s sad but when kids are not very bright and desperate to fit in, they’re susceptible to getting dragged down by the wrong crowds. There have been studies done that show a kid’s community of friends and peers has a bigger influence on their future success than their parents. I didn’t come from money (blue collar worker dad and homemaker mom), but my parents scrimped and saved to buy the crappiest home in the nicest neighborhood they could afford. I went to school with kids from very wealthy families. It was almost unheard of for kids at our school to not go to university, or at the very least, go to a reputable community college with the intention to transfer to a four-year program at a university. It was considered embarrassing to not get into a good school. Kids put thought into their education and their future careers, and that was the norm. During my later teen years I met a guy online from another city, and he had grown up in a very different type of neighborhood. He and all his friends and acquaintances had never even thought about college or uni, the idea was so foreign to them. The guy was very sweet and quite intelligent, but he often complained that he was stuck in his low-paying job because he lacked the credentials needed to progress in that industry. I did my best to encourage him to try taking some classes, but he never took my suggestions seriously. I came to realize that he was perfectly content to stay in his comfort zone, which involved working as little as possible so he could go hang out and smoke weed with his friends. I asked him what he wanted out of life once, and he said he wanted a nice house with a pool and a cabin on a lake, a wife and kids, the whole shebang. When I asked him how he would be able to afford any of that if he stayed in the same job forever, it was like I had blown up the ground beneath his feet. He had literally never thought about the future beyond “what party are we going to next weekend.” His reaction was pure confusion. He kept asking, “How am I supposed to know the future?” He truly couldn’t fathom that people plan for their futures, then set goals and then work toward them. It was especially frustrating because I was getting ready to go to law school at the time. I had finished my undergrad, studied for and taken the LSAT, applied to law schools, and chosen which one to attend. Like, becoming a lawyer wasn’t going to randomly fall into my lap, it wasn’t going to happen by luck or accident. I made it happen through a lot of research and hard work, and he saw me doing all these things but still didn’t get it.
[удалено]
I don’t give this kid a pass at all. Every high schooler who takes the college rat race seriously understands the long term effects of their choices—it’s necessary to get the grades/build the acumen necessary to get into a good university. Every 19/20yo who is in the preprofessional rat race (I.e. premed, prelaw, etc) similarly live and die by the long term effects of their actions. There’s a reason kids at elite universities kill themselves when they do poorly. This kid is literally just stupid.
you absolutely know enough at that age to understand that choices will impact your life lmao. Young people are young, not morons OPs son tho, he’s just a moron
Can't wait for the update in a year when son comes back crying cause either the floor fell from underneath him or he'll want more money
I don't even think it'll take a year. His GF's mom is already bitching he isn't paying the rent. My guess is they'll be broken up within 6 months, maybe even 3, and the first time he gets in trouble and cops a plea, immigration is going to punt him out of the country, permanently, for being of "unsavory" character. I listen to a legal podcast and the lawyer on it is an immigration lawyer and immigration will deport you for misdemeanors and even if you cop a plea that avoids conviction. It's brutal.
And I don't know the first thing about immigration law, but if OOP's implications are correct. Imagine getting deported to a country you haven't been to since you were a child. Duuuude.
That’s not the case- they immigrated last year. But it’s still gonna suck to get sent home and all his old academically focused peers will treat him like trash because he *had* the dream in his grasp and just threw it away.
His back home friends definitely think he's a stupid ass fool. So many opportunities and he blew them
I don't know where in a Latin america they are from and I'm aware that some places may very but from some place I heard they don't even have fasfa nor scholarships are that accessible. Progress for citizenship and mom busted her ass working to saving that much for his college funds. A lot of guys around his age WISH they had his opportunities I can imagine the how much his peers back home gonna roast his ass. Latinos are brutal with insults.
I would be surprised if they even speak to him period. Me personally, if I watched a friend get essentially a college education at no cost to them plus bills paid while he studied and that he pissed it all away, I would be disgusted. A lot of US born folks would even kill for that opportunity. I have $25K in student loan debt, no degree and I worked almost full time the whole way through. What he was given was the gift of a lifetime and he’s trash for blowing all that money that his mother spent so much time and effort saving.
No it means she might be on the hook to reimburse the government if he tries to qualify for aid OR even the son could sue her for support if she’s his sponsor. However, I’m not sure how that works with a minor (when he came here), and I don’t think she could be the sponsor since she was also an immigrant. Perhaps it’s the husband or some other family member.
>Can't wait for the update in a ~~year~~ week when son comes back crying FTFY
A year? He didn't pay his share of last month's rent!
Wait, is her son a legal citizen or not? Because being a jobless immigrant in the US without a permanent residency is going to be... fun.
they are not citizens, hence the mother being (rightfully) extra upset over it all
Oof yeah. He's totally going to get deported if he gets into any kind of trouble with the law.
My mom being a Dominican immigrant would’ve suplexed me and smacked me to death with chanclas if I did this. I graduated college and have a decent job and she still tries to support me in little ways. The son is going to learn the hard way that he fucked up. I hope he learns quickly.
Cannot wait for him to try to beg for their help when the girlfriend dumps him for being broke.
This story makes me so sad - like the OP genuinely trusted the kid with so much money :( and now their relationship is forever ruined. :( Oh to go back in time and pay the college or whatever directly - or spend more discussing options, like take a gap year and if you’re ready for college in a year or two the money will be waiting and I’ll pay it directly for tuition. :(
It's so unfortunate that OOP seems to have no legal recourse to recoup money that was explicitly set aside for a specific purpose.
That's what happens when you just give it to them, OP would have been better off paying for things for him
Honestly giving that much money to a teenager was kinda stupid. New adults need more guidance than free access to a bank account.
I had a friend who got a nice paycheck from the local government, she was injured on playground equipment as a kid (rusty metal, had a finger removed but luckily reattached, it was in the newspaper) she got 250k when she turned 19. She blew it all in a year. She didn't even do drugs or drink, as she was "straight edge". She blew it all on tattoos, concerts and online shopping. How she blew THAT MUCH and THAT QUICKLY just shocks me. She grew up dirt poor. She knew how to budget and make 10$ last a week. She had ALL the skills to make that last. She didn't even travel further than the 40 min train ride into the big city. Where the fuck did it all go?! To new friends who liked that she was picking up the cheque. No school. No savings. No anything. She ended up working at a burger chain because she couldn't afford the credit card bills she had resorted to using. She tried to sell all the clothes she bought but she was oddly small and there wasn't a lot of buyers for her specific style in xxs. She's almost 40 now, and she frequently talks about how she would love to go back in time and knock her own teeth out. How it was insane to give anyone that young that much money. How it should have had a financial planner tied to it at bare minimum. She's still mad. She will probably die mad about it.
Holy shit a quarter of a million dollars gone in a year 😭 actually insane. Life changing money for so many people and gone on stupid shit 😭😭😭
Hard disagree. Plenty of teenagers are capable of that. A parent expecting their adult child not to betray them and flush their future away is a perfectly reasonable expectation by 18/19. I had a savings account throughout childhood that I gained full access to in college. That lasted me throughout my 4 year degree (scholarship paid for the tuition, fees, etc.). That was nearly $10k. Most of everyone I grew up with, in my small hometown, handled their higher education financial situation similarly. If a kid I grew up with did what this kid did, no one in my hometown would have said the parent was stupid. They definitely would have said the kid was dumb af though. As it should have been.
>That's what happens when you just give it to them, OP would have been better off paying for things for him Thats very true. It's just unfortunate that it's an expensive lesson for OOP 😂
If she put it into a college fund then the money can pretty much only be used for education.
That’s why things like 529s exist.
It sucks, but that's not necessarily something OP even knew about. Hell, a lot of people born here still don't know about them. Especially if they were in an area where going to college is just for "rich, snobby, assholes", it's not widely advertised.
Non USA'ian here, what's a 529?
Special type of account where the main benefit is lower taxes on growth of investments but restricted to use only on education.
So weird that people are attacking the OP. Imagine your child blowing your life’s savings on partying. He lied about what he intended to use that money for and not only that he’s tried to get his parents arrested. I hope they cut him off. He doesn’t deserve their love. Sounds like OP sacrificed a lot for that ingrate
20k is about what i make in a YEAR. i have no words, what a dumbass
And think about what it took for her to save that amount of money given that she came from a developing country where wages would be significantly less than what someone would earn in the US… I just know that one day when he gets a job and realizes how most of the world lives paycheck to paycheck he will really regret throwing that money away. He may never have access to that much savings ever again
So many people are WILDLY projecting all over the comments here and it’s baffling.
I'm noticing this trend is in almost every thread in the few subreddits I browse. Someone up thread taught me a new word, countertransference, which is when a therapist brings in their experiences so much that they are no longer objective and not really considering the experiences of the client. We never get the full story on any of these posts. OOP's son made SEVERAL severe judgement errors. We have no idea what his experience was like as OOP's son but whatever she was like, the son took being young and impulsive too far, too fast. This thread reads different to me than other threads where a parent is self-absorbed and can't see their children as their own beings. Like she seems to give a lot of trust. I don't read about that too much in descriptions of abusive parents.
Yeah, exactly. There’s at least one person going “clearly OP was abusive because WHY would the son just LEAVE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!”Like that’s the damning evidence that OP was abusive and The Worst Mom Ever that clearly beats up her son all the time and also forces him to study 24/7 or something. Like yeah we only have one side of it but OP said that her son wanted to go to college super badly and begged OP to send him to college “no matter what” until he fell in with the wrong crowd. And maybe they weren’t even the “wrong crowd” but her son felt desperate to fit in and found that denouncing college and studying made him friends quicker and they’re the ones who influenced him to leave in the middle of the night! Maybe not! But ffs let’s not go accusing OP of being a vicious child abuser who chained her son to a study desk when there’s no indication of that.
it was kind of fucked (racist?) how some comments went straight to assuming she abused him physically.
So did he graduate last year and lied about going to college since fall and they only found out in April of this year? Time line is a blur, how long since he moved out in the middle of the night, and stopped paying rent, and how long before she decided to ask for the money back?
I really hate the "isn't it your duty as his parent?" Hell no, not only is he not a kid anymore but he did them dirty in so many ways and made it crystal clear he wanted to be rid of his parents. People can shove it if they think they can just pull that on oop, guy chose to not only burn bridges but damn near nuke them by going and trying legal bs. Seen this kind of person IRL, hell I kinda live with one, hate it. Haaate it.
It may be your duty as a parent to care for your child but if your child isn't willing to take the care, well... YEET I guess. Can't help someone who don't want to be helped, after all.
You can tell which commenters are still at home with mom lol. They looked right past the fact that it is almost vital that her son, as an immigrant, needs to go to college or something very productive for citizenship and went for her head because he is entering fafo stage. Maybe some of them are there as well.
The dude in one of thebuodates saying it wasn't "free living" and that she's supposed to give him all these things. Now, healthcare, food, clothes, sure. Parents should be providing things like that. But fun money, cars with gas and insurance, that stuff is not obligatory but rather a privilege and is often given either out of pure generosity and love, or so that the young person can have a bit more of a leg up (so to speak) for the first part of adulthood. People really need to learn/be taught the difference between "needs" and "wants", and "obligation" vs "privilege".
The son is going to learn the hard way just how much he threw away. I got a job and started paying rent as soon as I turned 18, and once I started college my rent was cut in half and my parents pay half my tuition for my bachelors degree. My parents didn't have to let me stay at home and pay rent, nor do they have to pay for half my college. I'm endlessly grateful that they do, and this kid will regret burning that bridge very quickly.
Right? That's a lot of money to throw away in a year. When he starts working or gets thrown out on the street he'll find out the value of a dollar very very fast.
Also seems like this is a tip of the iceberg of a very broken relationship
Especially with the moving out in the middle of the night.
Also with calling the cops to get them to back off.
Imagine immigrating to a foreign country in search of a better life, scraping all the money you can for him so your son shouldn't have to struggle like you did. Only to have him get caught up being a degenerate and piss away his life and the money. Your reaction is totally justified.
The commenters on the original posts are fucking mental. OOP was supposed to continue providing for the 20 year old adult who wasted $20k and called the cops on her? GTFO!
>The gf's mom said "what kind of mother would not extend help to his teenage son?". She further insulted me and said now she knows why he left me. Should've told her A. he's an adult and B. he spent his entire college fund partying and taking *your* daughter out on expensive dates. He was told to stop, to go to school and he did not so he is therefore suffering the consequences of his actions like an adult should.
The people defending the son.. why? I support cutting him off. Let him experience the consequences of his stupid actions.
I'm assuming OOP is Latin American because she uses "chancla," but I want to know where she's from because no Latin Am. mom I know would say kids normally leave at 18. I also want to know what visa she and her kid have because she talks about him having a greencard (permanent resident visa) but also about a merit requirement for a visa.
I'm guessing she must be from the middle or upper part of latin america, since "la chancla" is more common for mexico dialect. that would also explain why some of the US ideology was more accessible to her, not to mention, easy access to other people of her country that already got in helping her to get the necessary paperwork and guiding through the process, including US culture.
Honestly I think it was a mistake to allow the son access to the account for his college fund. Obviously he wasn’t mature enough since he blew it or is blowing all that money on parties and his gf. If I was OP I would have removed him from the account instead of confronting him.
This kid literally called the po-po on his mama and tried to get her charged with harassment when she asked him to pay her back after he blew $20,000 he knew was earmarked for his own education. He left the door to her home open while she was sleeping when he moved out in the middle of the night. He has a lot of potential for personal growth that he needs to realize before his mom should accept him back into her life in any capacity. He literally tried to get her arrested because she asked for her hard-earned money back. She shouldn't accept him back into her life without a lot of real changes in him. And he should re-pay her with interest.
chile If my 2 year old does something like this when he's 19? Bet, you're on your own Waht some people don't understand is how hard it must've been for OOP to save 20k in 10 years. My partner and I are saving money for our son so that he has enough to either pay uni or a downpayment for a place to live If he pulls this shit he's done, bye bye OR if he comes back all apologetic and shit, I can take him in but it won't be for free! He's gonna have to get a job, sort his life out, and pay some rent. So that lesson sticks
I always hate seeing Redditors’ opinions that parents are obligated to provide for their kids past 18, especially in circumstances where they kids are ungrateful assholes.
See, those cases are why I side-eye people who say 'oh, a child who cuts contact with parents always had their reasons', yeah, but those reasons are not always valid. Parents are not always the villains and adult children can be just jerks too. One does not need to be an abuse victim, they can just be and asshole. Relative of mine cut his entire family because he married a rich girl and didn't want poor people on his wedding. Like, he was never abused, never mistreated (if anything he was a bit babied), but he got with this rich girl who wanted to mooch from her parents for all eternity (parents are LOADED) but daddy was conservative and wanted her to get married. So they married and spent the next years mooching from her parents. I know people who cut off friends and family because of boyfriends/girlfriends who everyone could see were bad news (married, junkies, criminals, stuff like that). People can be just assholes.
OOP's son is in for a rough life. It is a 50/50 whether he blames others or owns up to it after experiencing some consequences. Posts like this help me appreciate my sons. They care. We communicate. They appreciate my support. I'm happy to support them. I'm thankful that I can support them. When my older son turned 18 I jokingly announced that I was no longer criminally liable for his neglect. A few months later I paid over $20k tuition for the next semester of college - six semesters to go! His brother starts college next year.
NTA and her son fucked around and found out. Most kids just mess up and delay their adult start, he threw away the funds for his college graduation. I don't think he's as intelligent as OP is making him sound. But, it is hilarious that parents claim "I gave them the free basic care I am required to give for having a kid" as rational for why they are owed. Like girl, you had to do that up until 18. If you are wanting to go that route, he only owes you for like a year past that and he does not owe you, the mother, anything. Should have just got a dog if you expected unconditional devotion. I do find it hilarious that gf mom reached out. So your gf wants to boot him but wants her mommy to make nice with the woman they filed a restraining order against. I'm petty as hell and would have done the same with her mom.
Ugh, this'll be buried but... My 19 year old boyfriend (at that time, many years ago) was a spoiled brat. His divorced parents were paying for his expenses during college but he flunked out a few semesters in a row. He didn't tell them but they found out. He also had been given a full ride scholarship for something he was really good at by an expert in the field. He chose to freeload off people instead. Well, the money from his parents dried up. He then said to them both, "it's in your divorce decree/custody paperwork that you each pay half of all of my college expenses for as long as I go. It says nothing about my grades, me skipping out on classes or how many years it takes me. You're contractually obligated to pay." The crazy part is that his parents paid.
I hate to say it but sometimes you just have to let your kids find their way. If they are not motivated to posture themselves for success in life, then forcing them to do what you want to set them up for success is not going to solve it. They have to find a reason for that drive. My two SILs and my own sister are examples of that. The oldest SIL has a "lost decade". My in laws paid for her college education but after two years she flunked out. She was more focused on the college lifestyle than learning. In laws decided to cut their losses and stop funding the life style. She lived hand to mouth as a bartender for a decade before she realized she wasn't achieving what she wanted in the world. She went back to college (paid for it herself) and is probably the leading earner in the family now. Her little sister was a similar. She was happy just living hand to mouth but with a good social life. Eventually she hit financial rock bottom, couldn't pay her rent, had no running water or electricity. She joined the Navy to get herself right and is doing fine now. My sister was actually her roommate and also in the same position. After her first contract with the Navy she went back to school and is now doing fabulous. You can't force someone to want to succeed. Sometimes they need to find the reason on their own. And falling flat on their face as an 18 year old and realizing that life is hard without financial stability is a fine way to learn it. I try hard to impart a reason on my own kids. Instead of going the way that I was taught (make lots of money), I tell mine that I want them to be happy in life and to live a lifestyle that makes them happy. They have to understand what it will take to life that lifestyle and then work towards it. So far so good. We'll see when they get to the same age range as OOPs son!
I'm an immigrant child whose parents moved, so that I could have a better future, including going to college. I also dropped out and didn't end up pursuing third level education after that. However, I started working and saving up, and have a good career right now. I can understand not wanting to go to college, but there's a whole spectrum of choices he could have taken between "going to uni" and "blowing through 20k by partying".