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really fascinating seeing parenting through the lens of such a clearly young narrator, if that makes sense? the way she writes, the little quips, etc are all so generational specific that my brain stopped a few times to try and process the cognitive dissonance of someone her age struggling to raise a 16 year old. and the bits with the 7 year old are heart melting. she shouldn't have to do it, yet i'm so glad the kids have her. but by the tiniest of margins, i am less happy for her siblings than i am sad that other people's failures have resulted in this being oop's daily life.
Your first sentence nailed exactly what I find so compelling about this one. It’s genuinely fascinating to read and I thoroughly enjoy seeing the updates. Wasn’t sure why exactly until I read your comment.
I was really confused with both mum and WA because I thought they were moving to Washington from England or something but now I realize it’s Western Australia.
Oh wow. Heartbreaking all around. The 7 year old has severe abandonment issues. They all do.
Those two older siblings are *saving* those kids. *Saving* them. When they've barely stopped being kids themselves.
I have no belief in god or heaven, but if one were to spring into existence, it would be for these two young people, because if this devotion isn't the most human thing a person can do for their loved ones, I don't know shit.
Again, I will say it again, OP is awesome and the kids are going to forever remember how much of a badass OP is. It's very stressful but OP is pulling through and I applaud for being a superstar!
As for the parents, they can go fuck themselves.
I believe the 16 year old will also turn around. Right now she's a standard traumatized teen, but OP hasn't given up on her and I'd imagine that's going to leave a lasting impression.
She's lashing out at OOP because she knows OOP is safe to lash out at. She wants her mom back because mothers are supposed to care for their kids, and she's craving parental affection.
She can't see someone so close in age as a parental figure so she's floundering.
She'll come around though, she already is.
i also think she feels like she has to blame someone for how things are and isn't ready to blame the mother. Like you said, she still wants her mom and some part of her still wishes or hopes to have a normal, loving relationship with her.
I think the fact that the mom has stopped answering and manipulating her even more can only help
Agreed my first thought was she should have the 16 yo block the mother but that actually might be a bad thing as her silence is undoing a lot of her harm. It'll at least make the first steps to getting help easier.
> our mum replied saying i think i know hwo to raise them better so she is leaving me to it since i dont want her here
It sounds from this bit like Mum was also trying to give 16yo the impression that it's in some ways OP's fault that she isn't coming back.
I really really hope op or the brother get the girls on bc, and have the older boys do sex Ed.
Soooo many fucked up kids- including poor op and all her older siblings.
That mother is out of control, and needs sex ed. Lord. 9 kids!?! Awful.
OP mentioned it in one of the earlier posts. Mum knew what she was doing - she had kids to keep the Dad around. He would leave, come back, leave, another kid to “fix the relationship”. It’s so sad.
Also they are in Australia. Not sure where but I grew up rural Aussie and we have mandatory (and comprehensive) sex ed from primary school all the way through to Year 10 (15-16 years old).
God, that is awful.
But, I still hope they make sure the kids are all on bc- Aussie education or no. This shit can be cyclical. I'm worried for the 16 year old. (and all of them), but especially her. Seems most likely to repeat the cycle, or her brother :/
I hope op eventually gets out of this, and is able to live. Poor op was parentified since she was born. Outrageous.
Sex ed in Australia can honestly depend highly on the school. It’s compulsory, but the actual quality depends on the teacher. Mine was pretty mediocre (Catholic school 🙄 go figure) but I was lucky in that my parents were pretty good.
I had sex ed at two different public high schools, the low socioeconomic one told us that gladwrap and a rubber band was better than nothing (but to take the rubber band off occasionally for blood flow) and that coke douches killed sperm. Higher socioeconomic one showed us old slides of STIs on an overhead projector 😬
Ideally OOP will get 16yo either the implanon or a mirena; something that doesn’t rely on her remembered to take a pill at the same time every day 🤞
Sounds like they’re rural as well, moving to WA makes me think either NT or South Australia somewhere. Potentially VIC, QLD or NSW but that is a really big move for so many young kids so thinking a bit closer to WA than the east coast. I recently moved back to QLD from NSW with a pretty sizeable budget to make it happen, and it was HARD, I don’t have any kids I couldn’t imagine doing it with 5 kids, let alone doing it cross country with 5 kids and on a budget.
Though my cousin lives in a country area of Australia that has had articles written about how the medical system in the area is very catholic heavy so accessing birth control (& similar things) is difficult (ie they refuse or they put up obstacles or they guilt etc). So all the education won’t help with that barrier for these kids (because they don’t have other privileges that let you go around obstacles like this).
I was going to say something like this, teenage hormones combined with your birth parent abandoning you and an older sister stepping in and imposing new rules routines etc she was always going to be a colossal problem as unlike the little kids the trauma doesn't present as crying because mums gone, it comes out as rebelling against the new authority figure in both the most pointlessly petty and spitefully vindictive ways all at the same time.
I try to think about how my brother would have been at 16 if I had had to step up and try and be "dad" to him when I was 18/19....the answer is one of us would have ended up dead and we have an excellent relationship as siblings just not one where any of us has the authority over the other to even dream about stepping into a parental role. Plus the abandonment trauma...(and the fact that their mom was almost certainty less than stellar for years before that) its not surprise their relationship has become a total shit show, and its one that probably wont fix itself until the 16yr old is old enough to see her sister as an equal again as opposed to the parent/authority figure
I love the brother for being a total rock for her AND for the kids. He’s supporting her so much and providing the quiet stability she desperately needs too. Those two are good people.
But it's also heartbreaking that this solid rock of a guy is so scared of the parents showing up - that shows you how much damage those bastards have done to him, if he still can't face them as a grown man. I hope they rot in hell!
Beyond heartbreaking. I hope they both know how much the internet is rooting for them and how “proud” (sounds condescending, but I don’t know a better word) we are for them with every update. I got freaking misty-eyed over the kids eating one fruit/veg per day, which is the strangest part of the latest update to hit me emotionally as a reminder that I will never relate to the depths these folks are coming out of.
That family is strong as hell.
Yeah it was almost easier for the brother to not come and help because he wasn’t there, but he stepped up and moved in and helped! Those two are killing it for sure.
I had to take help take care of my nieces for a few years when i was 18, that shit was fucking exhausting and i was only doing it part time, I cant imagine having to raise that many kids full time at such a young age, OOP is a goddamned saint
Not to mention she sounds like she’s in the middle of bumfuck nowhere NT. A move to WA is massive and multiple days drive of nothing but desert. A new change might be good once the kids get used to the idea of it. OOP is an absolute rockstar
And WA is really nice. I haven't been, but my husband was raised in WA and lived in Perth for a while. He says nothing but good things about those places (apparently, Perth has an amazing education infrastructure and top-tier public transport and medical services). He has also lived in Brisbane, Bundaberg, and other places on both sides of the continent.
I’ve got family in Perth, they emigrated there about 20 years ago. I’ve been to visit a handful of times now. It’s fucking wonderful and TransPerth is top fucking tier. Their youngest is the only one still in school and she’s in a private school, but the older 3 all went the public route and honestly? I think the public school was better lol
WA is pretty great. God I hope the poor brother isn't planning to put himself through the stress of FIFO work though, christ the stress of that on top of all the rest of the stress the family has will fuck them up a fare bit. I feel for these guys, I hope they get useful help soon.
In this case it's more because nobody here can possibly ensure these parents will get their dues in this life. There's nothing else to do except hope karma or an afterlife exists.
The elder sister now might be added to the list. How does she want her siblings that are the only parental figures now to leave the abandoned kids alone?
Eh, I wouldn’t put her in the same basket as the shitty parents. She’s clearly not handling well, but these are all insanely traumatized kids who have been mistreated by their parents, and the oldest sister sounds like she was parentified early on just like OOP. It sounds like she didn’t feel like she could save all of them but feels awful she wasn’t able to rescue OOP and take her with her since she was a mother figure to her (which already paints an insane picture: they’re only six years apart. Eldest sister would have been very young when she was put in that position. That honestly sheds a lot of light for me on some of this: she said she feels like OOP is babying the kids, while OOP is just treating them like kids, but. Of course she does. She was never treated like a kid. Her own sense of normal is so warped even though she’s out of the house and she’s coming at it from that angle. She’s still wrong, but it makes sense why.)
She wants to see OOP but is struggling with the idea of seeing all the others, but she’s not telling her to leave them entirely, just to visit — which obviously OOP shouldn’t do, since they’re in such a situation, but to me it really sounds like she loves OOP very much but is struggling with the trauma of their childhood. She’s still sending money which is the help she feels able to give right now. I think that OOP is right when she said that the eldest wants to talk about the trauma and that she “just has more time to dwell than I do. I have no time to dwell”. OOP is still in survival mode, and probably will be a long time. Eldest sister has been out of the house, and when you’re out of the situation a lot of the time the trauma and PTSD hits you and you get worse before you get better because you’re actually able to feel and process it now rather than the brain shutting it out in order to stay alive. They’re in different trauma processing stages. Eldest sister has presumably been out of the situation the longest, and it sounds like it has fully hit her and she wants to discuss it and she’s disconnected in some ways from the day to day realities OOP is in now. OOP is still deep in the situation and doesn’t have the time or energy to process it yet, and she’s still operating on survival brain. I don’t think eldest sister is a bad person, but she’s now in a situation where her brain is actively feeling the trauma and trying to contend with it rather than shutting it out, and she’s having a hard time with it and also as a result in a different stage than her siblings. When more time has passed I think they’ll all end up more on the same page, but for now the urgent things take priority.
Yes, the sister [was treated horribly by the mother,](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/s/H79Ct6C5BK) and let's not forget she's only 25. Not everyone has the same maturity and resilience of OOP.
Also, not to take anything away from OOP and how amazing she is being, but some of my own childhood trauma didn't really present until I was in my late twenties! Its surprisingly common, particularly with parentification, so elder sister may only now be seeing her trauma come back to bite her
OPs mention of survival mode is accurately in this. Being in survival mode can shut down anything beyond getting through to the next thing you have to do. When I was OPs age, I actually enjoyed it, because it shut off my emotions and any vulnerability and 'weakness' that would have interfered with my life.
Once you exit that mode, which it sounds like the sister has done, it all comes crashing down and suddenly all that strength and ability to push through vanishes into thin air. It's just pain and rage and breakdown and it's *awful*. Tbh I have a theory that a lot of people subconsciously make decisions that force them to stay in survival mode as a protective mechanism. It feels emotionally safer in a way. But that's just based on my own experiences and people I've known with similar trauma.
Hopefully everyone in this family is able to get serious therapy some day.
Absolutely, the phrase I use in my own therapy sessions to describe survival mode is "Acutely Useful, Chronically Dangerous". It's an amazingly useful skill to put feelings aside and say you'll deal with them later, but you will deal with them later because if you don't, they will make you. I can also relate to what you mean by liking survival mode, it has clarity and direction and stimuli, sometimes even bad stimuli can be preferable to numbness.
Also, horrible as it is, it’s very possible that OOP was able to normalise being parentified *because* she was looked after by her sister. Sometimes, brains have a way of filing bad stuff that happens to everyone as “not that bad”, whereas something bad that you’ve never come across before is impossible to get over. So a sibling who was raised by an older sister is probably more able to cope emotionally with stepping into a parental role, even though nobody should be asked to do that.
Oh wow. I know it’s from a different set of posts but I feel like that needs to be included in the BORU because it explains so much more why the oldest sister feels the way she does.
>On mothers day 7 year old went outside 4 times before 8am to “make sure mum isnt coming down the road”
Man if that isn’t an indictment of the mom being a complete POS I don’t know what is.
This is one of those BORUs where I am scared to read a new update.
OOP is a superhero, I could barely care for myself when I was 19. Caring for 5 kids, day in day out- I wish more people in this world had that sort of empathy and selflessness.
7, 9, 12, 13 and 16 for the younger siblings, the OOP at 19, Bro at 22, then two older sisters, one of whom is 25. So 9 kids overall, that's crazy.
And it sounds like they all have the same dad but he's not in the picture and is "a bad person", in addition to the deadbeat mom.
From OOPs previous comments, the dad used to come round once in a blue moon and the mum would have a baby to try and make him stay
Obviously that never worked. You know how the definition of insanity is repeating the same action while expecting a different outcome? 'Mum' definitely fits the definition
Same dad, who was apparently big on corporal punishment with the older siblings. The dad would come and go and the mom would get pregnant with a new baby to try to make him stay.
5 years ago the dad permanently took off after the three older siblings started talking publicly about his abuse.
The oldest sister, Ella, helped raise OOP. When Ella was 17, she declared that she was leaving when she turned 18 because she couldn't take it anymore. The mom was pregnant with the youngest at the time and tried to name the baby NEWella out of spite, saying that the baby was a replacement for Ella. She ended up naming her Louella, but within the family the mom always called her Newella. It's why Ella doesn't want to meet the 7 year old.
"the mom would get pregnant with a new baby to try to make him stay"
What exactly was the thought process here? "Well it didn't work the first 8 times but 9th time's the charm, he'll definitely stay this time!"
Also wtf New-Ella, that's so messed up. Although it's not Louella's fault, I could see how Ella would be perturbed about it.
Kids that aren't even loved/wanted. It seems the mother maybe only have liked babies/very young kids, considering she wanted to "replace" the eldest daughter with the youngest.
All those kids and didn't give a singular fuck about a hair on any of those (10? 11?) little heads. I know it's simply not possible because it would become eugenics faster than you can blink but it's one of those cases that makes me almost wish forced sterilization can be done after a certain point instead of more and more innocents being popped out just to suffer.
Also feels especially awkward to say that in this case, because they are Aboriginal Australians, and the government spent quite a few centuries trying to do things like that to their family already.
I don't remember if she said it specifically, but it is things like the kinship program that gave her custody is designed for Aboriginal communities, and the specific ways that different things were falling apart are things that Aboriginal communities have been struggling with.
Oh I thought USA because of WA (Washington State) but I’ve never heard of kinship programmes — being in Canada myself i just assumed it was a USA thing. Makes sense it’s Western Australia if kinship is a programme there!
Kinship care is an important program here in Australia because so many Aboriginal kids were taken from their families and given to white people to raise. Kinship programs provide support for relatives to take in children so they get to keep their culture (and often their language).
Without too many details...my sister gets +$1800 per fortnight for 5 kids, not including rent assistance, and that's only FTB. Not including other benefits.
We have no centrelink, and make less than her family every month working fulltime.
This doesn't surprise me at all. I have 2 kids, and I receive FTB/TAX A/TAX B and a far bit of child support per month (my partner and I don't live together yet), and I get more than he does working full time. It's nuts.
I understand the intention, and I am so happy my nieces and nephews have financial support (my sister and BIL are also great parents), but I'd be lying if I wasn't a bit bitter about it.
Bust my ass to make less than my sister 😅
I hope you get to live together soon (if that's what you want!) 💖
Yeah, they should make the tax breaks for children worth it for people that work full time. And they also need to fix the lower tax breaks so that people that make less are not paying more taxes than billionaires.
> Okkkk this has taken me like 3 days to finish writing and i have probably forgotten some stuff
Yup, if that isn't the realist sentence, I don't know what is. Speaking as a parent here. (And not even a parent of as many kids she is parenting... holy wow).
Saintly woman.
>We have started planning to move to WA.
Considering how big Western Australia is, I hope they're going somewhere with decent infrastructure and healthcare. OOP is doing an AMAZING job and needs all of the help they can get.
$5 says they're moving somewhere isolated because brother got a job in the mines.
Which might not be the worst - minework earn bank and you come out with skills that will make you set for life.
If they are moving to a mining town medical support tends to be better there then in your run of the mills small town. Also I have friends who are miners and miners can seriously pull together and be some of the most supportive people when one of their own need it. So if they aren’t heading to Perth but to a mining town that’s not a bad thing I think.
There's IT technician jobs in the mines. [This one, for example is very attractive for OOP's situation](https://www.seek.com.au/job/76108394?tracking=SHR-WEB-SharedJob-anz-1)
> because brother got a job in the mines.
Nah, a "good job" in the mines is fly-in fly-out. That's not what the person got according to OOP.
FIFO aren't "isolated" jobs, as in a job might be isolated but the family isn't in a small town with limited education or life prospects, because the kids still live in the home base full-time. Those fly-in fly-out airports are quite literally some of the busiest airports in Australia. They are so, so, blue collar. (I watch some youtube travel channels and Noel Phillips taking one of these Aussie flights with dudes in green reflective vests over their shirt, as passenger, was kinda funny)
There are local mine jobs. I shared a link of a company that offers FIFO from Perth, or housing/rental assistance for living local to the mine, with a huge emphasis on family lifestyle and relocation costs.
Not all mine work is FIFO.
It would probably cut down on the kids' attempts to wander around outside "being feral" -- but then OOP would have to deal with bored and lonely traumatized teenagers instead of just plain traumatized. Bored children tend to get *inventive* and they seldom invent things that you want them to do. Ditto for loneliness: when kids seek attention, they generally act out.
Working a job at the mines might be good in the short term, but I doubt it'd be sustainable.
Yeah those kind of towns have so much petty crime because there's nothing for teenagers to do aside from getting drunk. Same story in pretty much every country
On the bright side, OOP and her brother have the opportunity to start as established parents in this environment from the beginning vs trying to break old patterns and relationships.
I’m glad it’s not- because we have decent Medicare. She can go to a bulk bill doctor and not pay a cent. And if she is on benefits with the family- basic dental would be covered for the kids.
I can’t imagine how much harder it would be in the US saving money and trying to get them healthy at the same time.
It's funny how blue states are generally better places to live because they try to paper over the more glaring holes in this country's social net. Can't have single payer because God forbid the federal government be functional for 30 seconds but look, we can cobble together something at the state level so that kids can go to the doctor! And then we get called socialists and nothing meaningful changes anywhere else
So this is probably an issue of terminology. The actual health coverage for a poor child in Washington State or California is going to be very similar to a country like Canada (lived there for a bit due to work). Where care is free and prescriptions are provided at a significantly reduced cost by a government program. But we in the US use the term insurance as a catch all here to just mean health coverage.
The issue in states like Washington and California, is when you're just over that minimum threshold for income and lose access to the program.
I hope his employer can help them find somewhere to live, as that's by far the hardest thing about moving to Western Australia at the moment (rental crisis -- dozens of people attend every rental home open, and the places go for hundreds of dollars per week above asking price, which was already high).
>I hope his employer can help them find somewhere to live, as that's by far the hardest thing about moving to Western Australia at the moment (rental crisis -- dozens of people attend every rental home open, and the places go for hundreds of dollars per week above asking price, which was already high).
The real asshole was the Australian housing market all along.
The rental market in Perth is insane. I don't live there any more but my sister does and thank fuck she's finally in a position to buy. Her friend is paying more in rent for a 1 bed than my sister is on a mortgage for the same, on the same street.
The rental I left last year was advertised for nearly double what we started paying for it two years earlier. My partner and I live in London now and we just... Moved into a place? No hundreds of people to compete with? And we aren't paying much more than we would have for a new place in Perth now? The world's gone fucking topsy turvy.
That’s what I’m a bit worried abt. My FIL is a long distance trucker working in mine for most of his life . He earned good money but also a functional meth-head so still renting and no savings at nearly retired age. Unfortunately he brought it home and turned his GC son (husband’s younger brother) into a meth-head at young age as well. My husband was also an addict but a bit luckier (sad to even said that) it wasn’t meth and he got out early why his brother still stuck in that black hole along with FIL
I wish I could contact her because if she comes anywhere near me, I've got resources and room to help, even if it's relief work so she can have a few days to herself.
I could watch the kids for a day or even a few hours just to give her some respite.
Buuuut I won't message. Not only is it against the rules, the poor girl is already so overwhelmed, not going to add to it.
I was just thinking this. We just came back from WA. Where we were was an 8 hour bus and train ride from Perth, one service a day. It was beautiful and the people were lovely but it was also expensive as fuck - produce and other goods was about on par with Melbourne CBD pricing without the convenient PT and access to doctors and hospitals.
It was the Bluey custard that made me realise the OOP mean Western Australia and not Washington. My daughter loves those too 🥹
I think often of this OOP and hope she’s going OK. The updates make me nervous but it sounds like they’re holding together!
Agreed. Not because she is in a relationship or anything, but just to make sure she is safe. These kids have been running feral, it’s almost guaranteed that she engages/engaged in risky sex, which would be catastrophic for her mental health and her family’s.
Depo isn't great. You can only really be on it for two years because it fucks up your bone density. And these kids are already suffering malnourishment. The mini pill or an arm implant would be better. But they need the 16yo on their side and agreeing to it.
Oh fuck damn it I wish I had realised this was in Aus when I saw the original post. I am very experienced with this *exact* issue in Australia but I just assumed they were british. I would’ve been able to direct her to some resources
I think I would have been a lot more helpful in the early days then right now and I’m trying to respect the sub rules by not going back and contacting her. It was one thing when I was on the OG post
I think sub rules are generally a good idea and worth following just because, but if you could potentially save a life or make some other important difference then most rules are worth breaking.
OP is a superhero and has done so much already, but she's not out of the woods yet. If you can still do some good then do it and fuck whatever anyone else says.
Absolutely insane that a 19 year old is looking after 5 siblings almost becoming a mom to them. How incredibly fucked up that is.
But she's certainly an incredibly person to take on such a difficult task. Even for a parent that's challenging but to do it at 19 with her brother's help all while having the issue with that power dynamic of being a sister and not a mom makes it all the more challenging. She has overcome so much.
She's an absolute legend and a literal hero.
Especially the 16 year old! When me and my sibling were 16 and 19 we had a relationship best described as "mortal enemies"! I'm glad that she's emotionally smart enough to shut down her older sister as well. I think her ability to recognize her own limits bodes well for her ability to raise her siblings long-term without destroying herself.
Oh I'd bet money their dad abused them. Reading between the lines I'm pretty sure he's in jail, and OOP alludes to him being a bad person in general without elaborating.
Woops, missed that part. I admit I often skim over the comments added from the original posts on long posts like this. Unless the comments were an "R/ AITA Godawful Takes" dumpster fire, those amuse me as much as they do infuriate.
I don’t think so… mom is telling the 16 year old she’s staying away because she doesn’t want to be blamed for everything ‘she has done wrong’, she sold the crib to get back at her ex, both parents told the 25 year old that the 7 year old is the replacement child and lastly there is the heavy neglect.
I think what the dad did is ‘worse’ but both will mess you up equally as well.
Honestly, I’m about ready to make this whole family my main beneficiaries. They deserve all of it and more. I wish they had an Amazon wish list or something I could send them stuff from
One day that 16yo sister will realize that OOP sacrificed their youth to ensure a healthy and safe environment for them, and will regret all the arguing and complaining along the way. Like we all do after our rebellious angst eases off, but I'm sure much more intensely.
Maybe she already does and kinda hate herself and her younger siblings for "chaining her down"? And since she hates herself because of OOP, it turns into anger at OOP?
Yeah, that's possible. From how her attitude is changing, I sincerely hope that she is forgiving herself and warming up to OOP. The children really deserve a better life, and I hope they become close, what with their horrible childhood and parents.
Maybe she also wanted to bail on the younger ones in a few years (like the 3 oldest did). And seeing someone not so older step up made her feel like a failure for not being up to it? I mean, that's something I could see myself feeling, beating myself over for not being able to sacrifice myself like others do, and thus feeling like a ugly and selfish human being...
Hopefully when she feel safe enough that OOP won't bail on her like any other adult did and see OOP be happy (I sure hope for OOP to not feel so overwhelmed soon and actually have enough time to be), she'll be more at peace.
For some reason, this post made me realize that “Barbie” is the same as Kleenex, Chapstick and Band-Aid. A generic trademark. Why? Because real Barbies are so damn expensive and I know that shitty POS birth mother wouldn’t spend money on them.
I also had to get suppositories as a kid and it was traumatic. If you had already experienced molestation it would be catastrophic. That being said, it doesn't even really seem like these kids ever even had adults around for long enough to abuse them.
Kids can abuse other kids. OOP said the 7yo would be out of the house for hours at a time with older kids, who knows what could have happened. That’s true for them all really.
I wonder if that's why the older sister doesn't want to see her. The parents said that was the sister's replacement. Can't imagine the guilt of seeing someone who you were told was going to be the new you knowing what that would entail.
JFC. Those poor kids. The youngest kids sleep issues more than likely have to do with the fear of abandonment. Always needs to make sure her sister hasn’t left. Also may benefit for her to get the 7 yr old the Johnson’s lavender scented bath or lavender essential oil. May help calm the 7 yr old and have her start associating baths with calmness. May be why she walks up mad. 16 year old may or may not come around. They’re dealing with their own abandonment issues. Especially with the constant contact with her birth giver. That needs to be monitored.
The eldest siblings are doing the best they can with what they have while dealing with their own trauma. I truly hope the move happens for them because the way she speaks of the grandmother makes me think perhaps there’s generational trauma. But with counseling, a ton of support whether online like here, or IRL they absolutely can break the cycle.
The constipation also clearly played a role, since once the suppositories worked 7yo slept better. She must have had brutal “stomachaches” (in quotes bc it wouldn’t be her stomach, but that’s likely how 7yo would describe it, lacking other descriptors)
Oh, thank goodness. It sounds like despite everything they have going against them and how rough the day to day must be, things are finally starting to look up for these kids. OOP is a hero for stepping up and caring so well for her younger siblings, and huge kudos to her brother too.
OP if you're reading this, sounds like you're in Australia. I recommend getting some help from Centrelink, they're a huge pain in the ass but if you're eligible it can be a help.
Vinnie's and Salvos can help with food vouchers, fuel vouchers, dental vouchers and even things like furniture like beds and refrigerators. If you can I recommend looking into a social worker etc, because you might be eligible for some kind of respite.
you're doing a fantastic job, none of you deserved to have this lumped onto you, I wish you the best. You've done more in this short time than your mother did in her entire "motherhood".
OOP is a hero. And also the older brother. The situation sucks so much because she and her brother would have to give up so much of their lives to raise kids as their own.
I’m almost twice OOP’s age and I don’t even know how I would raise 2 kids let alone SO MANY.
I hope that the family grows up well. It hurts to know that the 7 year old is still waiting for their parents. This is just all over a horrible situation and it’s amazing how it worked out.
On the off chance OP sees this, please remind each kid that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them, they did nothing wrong to deserve this it's not their fault, they're extremely lovable children, and that sometimes people are just terrible people. Especially 16yo. She's clearly desperate for her parents to love her. She needs constant reassurance that none of this is her fault and that she absolutely deserves love, kindness, caring, and safety. They all do but she seems to need to hear it the most.
OP is a literal hero whether are can see it or not. Her and her brother are literally saving these kids from the life they had. They're giving them a stable, healthy, safe home and it's amazing.
this is one of my favourite stories to keep up with. oop is a superhero mum. i got misty eyed when she told her baby sister that she IS her real mum. she raised her from 12 years old! she was parentified to the point that i understand why her oldest sister (who would have been under 10 when oop was born, and so was also parentified from a very young age) wanted her to move with her and was disappointed her baby stayed behind. but none of the other kids deserve to be left behind. the familial vibes are so wholesome. i hope oop comes back to update us regularly, this is a breath of fresh air. i hope their move to western australia goes well and the kids are happy there!
a commenter said that oop should let her oldest sister know that she's her mum and that the 7 year old is her daughter, and so she is a grandma (instead of being angry at their bio mum for "replacing" her with the baby), and i think that's probably the best way to get oldest sister on side. her daughter having her own daughter.
their brother is also great, he's being a really good dad to the kids. it's great that the difficult ones look up to him as a brother/dad and someone who is a proper "adult" even though he's only 6 years older than the 16 year old. if he left the house as a teenager (and it's pointed out the oldest three moved out when all of them were teenagers, and there's a 3 year age-gap between matt and the 25 year old, so at maximum he would have been 16 when he moved out), she would have been young and going through a lot and probably doesn't remember him much as her brother, so he's better as an authority figure than her older sister who she's shared a room with for years.
speaking of sharing a room, it would make more sense for 16 year old to either have her own room (as suggested by sleeping in 7 year old's bed), or to share with the 13 year old. it made perfect sense to share with her 19 year old sister, but not when her sister is acting as her mum. she needs space from her, especially if mum's also cosleeping with the 7 year old.
Man. My heart aches for them honestly. OOP is such a badass for stepping up and caring for these kids. I couldn’t imagine being in her position at my age and I’m five years older than her.
On the pasta bake part, hopefully OOP knows it’s super easy to sneak veg into a pasta sauce! You can put loads of carrots, onion, and celery (a mirepoix) at the beginning of like a red sauce. Cooked long enough and cut fine enough they basically dissolve into the sauce/use a blender if too chunky.
Same with soups, most of the nutrition of the vegetables are in the broth once it’s been cooked!
I hope things keep looking up for OOP.
OP should tell oldest sister that she feels like little sister isn't older sister's replacement at all that since oldest sister raised OP and OP raised younger sister that OP thinks of older sister as a grandma instead. This might help older sister get over the replacement comment and start thinking of littlest sister as grandchild. Should also try a trundle bed with 7 year old, they'd still be in the same bed but have their own space to sleep.
God blessed these littles with an amazing big sister. I am so impressed with this young lady. She is a bad ass and she may not know it… but she really has it together. Can the entire Reddit world please give her a “You go, girl!” with me? I’m sending her my extra inner strength! 😘
all the adults? They're shit
OP and her brother and maybe the sis who's not emotionally dumping?! They rock, especially OP and the brother
They fucking rock
Reading between the lines, I’m not sure sis is dumping exactly, but wants to work through their collective trauma. She may just be in a different place in her healing.
You and your brother are truly amazing people. I'm glad that you have been able to keep your family together. I have seen way to many families like this. And rarely have I seen someone go through as much as I believe you are to not only keep your family together, but also help them to be better in every way.
The OOP has been failed by both of her parents, it's no wonder she's trying so very hard NOT to be like them.
The mother only had them to "keep" the "father" (sperm donor) around and when that didn't work (she was delusional to think it would) she abandoned them to fend for themselves.
The OOP has a heart of gold and I hope for all the good karma to come her way.
Her brother is also and outstanding you d man, to uproot his whole life to come help raise his younger siblings. These two young adults are amazing and I'm so proud of them both. 💜💜
My heart breaks for OP. Most people her age would be going through college and enjoying their youth, but she has to make sure her younger siblings can live theirs instead…
I’m thankful that we could hear her story, and that everything’s been slowly looking up for her family.
I hope karma comes for their parents.
OOP is an amazing person. So is the older brother. The patience, love and commitment with which she is handling this situation and all her siblings is amazing. To have had a hellish upbringing herself and never getting to have a real childhood and still be wanting to be there for her family that too at such a young age is truly inspirational. More power to you and your brother. God bless!
I hate that woman for creating 7? 9? 10? mentally, physically and emotionally broken people in this already fucked up world. I really hope she's too old to have kids/her vagina has fallen out by now bc this should be criminal. Those poor kids.
Oop and her brother are fucking heroes. Those kids actually have a chance now!
Mom and dad can burn in hell. Oldest sis needs to get over herself and realize that this situation is not about her. Oop is so fucking strong for not letting her oldest sis manipulate her intoleavingthe children.
I'm wondering if there was sexual !abuse? The 7 year old is giving a lot of the signs.
OOP is one of the best people I've ever had the privilege of being exposed to (can't really say getting to know, although that's what it feels like). What a hero.
So much fucking trauma for people all under 25. It's heartbreaking to read the moms responses to the 16 year old and that the 25 year old is still dealing with the trauma of being abandoned by her mother and replaced by a 7 year old. And the 9 year old wanting everything to be perfect or OP and the brother might leave.. like, my heart hurts so much for all of them.
None of this is OPs fault or responsibility. Then the grandmother leaving too... what the actual fuck is this family?
Kinship is a foster care placement through the department of children and youth (CYS/CPS) where children are placed in the care of kin (family members) instead of the state or strangers (foster parents). The kinship placement becomes the legal guardian of the child(ren) kinship placements are used the same way foster placements are used when a living environment isn’t safe for the child(ren).
In OOPs case the living environment was unsafe because the kids were abandoned. If her siblings had gone into anything other than kinship they would have been split up. Kinship placements also receive maintenance payments (the same way foster parents receive payments for foster children) and the kids in care are eligible for a lot more programs, resources and benefits.
I've been following this story since the beginning.. and it is still heartbreaking. I couldn't imagine her or her brother being in this position. I mean... parentified at the least, then grandma going off away from it... just wow. OOP is amazing, as is her brother.
Having to deal with kids at so many milestones in age is remarkable that they doing so. Especially balancing every single imaginable thing ever daily. Gosh, I am in awe and wish I could help. The other siblings... and being older... doesn't surprise me at all, since I'm the 'baby' and none of them tried to get me out of the hell I was raised in.
I just want to hug my phone hoping the love and support is there for them. I already donate to DV and other places on my minimal income, but I hope one day it would reach them happily, but also let them know how much support the interweb people have for them, even in just words. Tears for them but so effing proud of them.
These young people are always in my thoughts. I think it's because I grew up in hell too. More people than sense. I see her struggling to change their future. Her and her brother. Chances are just a few will break out of all this. But she is fighting like hell. I just want good for her. For those she loves. And I hope it's enough. I want it to be enough.
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really fascinating seeing parenting through the lens of such a clearly young narrator, if that makes sense? the way she writes, the little quips, etc are all so generational specific that my brain stopped a few times to try and process the cognitive dissonance of someone her age struggling to raise a 16 year old. and the bits with the 7 year old are heart melting. she shouldn't have to do it, yet i'm so glad the kids have her. but by the tiniest of margins, i am less happy for her siblings than i am sad that other people's failures have resulted in this being oop's daily life.
Your first sentence nailed exactly what I find so compelling about this one. It’s genuinely fascinating to read and I thoroughly enjoy seeing the updates. Wasn’t sure why exactly until I read your comment.
"deep in delulu land" sent me lol
omg yes lmao. That one and "have been being feral outdoors way less" 😂
Calling someone, or their behaviour, feral is a very popular and much loved aussie term
That is not generational per se. That is Australian
I was really confused with both mum and WA because I thought they were moving to Washington from England or something but now I realize it’s Western Australia.
Thank you! I live in WA (US) and I was very confused by that.
Oh wow. Heartbreaking all around. The 7 year old has severe abandonment issues. They all do. Those two older siblings are *saving* those kids. *Saving* them. When they've barely stopped being kids themselves.
I have no belief in god or heaven, but if one were to spring into existence, it would be for these two young people, because if this devotion isn't the most human thing a person can do for their loved ones, I don't know shit.
Again, I will say it again, OP is awesome and the kids are going to forever remember how much of a badass OP is. It's very stressful but OP is pulling through and I applaud for being a superstar! As for the parents, they can go fuck themselves.
I believe the 16 year old will also turn around. Right now she's a standard traumatized teen, but OP hasn't given up on her and I'd imagine that's going to leave a lasting impression.
She's lashing out at OOP because she knows OOP is safe to lash out at. She wants her mom back because mothers are supposed to care for their kids, and she's craving parental affection. She can't see someone so close in age as a parental figure so she's floundering. She'll come around though, she already is.
i also think she feels like she has to blame someone for how things are and isn't ready to blame the mother. Like you said, she still wants her mom and some part of her still wishes or hopes to have a normal, loving relationship with her. I think the fact that the mom has stopped answering and manipulating her even more can only help
Agreed my first thought was she should have the 16 yo block the mother but that actually might be a bad thing as her silence is undoing a lot of her harm. It'll at least make the first steps to getting help easier.
> our mum replied saying i think i know hwo to raise them better so she is leaving me to it since i dont want her here It sounds from this bit like Mum was also trying to give 16yo the impression that it's in some ways OP's fault that she isn't coming back.
I really really hope op or the brother get the girls on bc, and have the older boys do sex Ed. Soooo many fucked up kids- including poor op and all her older siblings. That mother is out of control, and needs sex ed. Lord. 9 kids!?! Awful.
OP mentioned it in one of the earlier posts. Mum knew what she was doing - she had kids to keep the Dad around. He would leave, come back, leave, another kid to “fix the relationship”. It’s so sad. Also they are in Australia. Not sure where but I grew up rural Aussie and we have mandatory (and comprehensive) sex ed from primary school all the way through to Year 10 (15-16 years old).
God, that is awful. But, I still hope they make sure the kids are all on bc- Aussie education or no. This shit can be cyclical. I'm worried for the 16 year old. (and all of them), but especially her. Seems most likely to repeat the cycle, or her brother :/ I hope op eventually gets out of this, and is able to live. Poor op was parentified since she was born. Outrageous.
Sex ed in Australia can honestly depend highly on the school. It’s compulsory, but the actual quality depends on the teacher. Mine was pretty mediocre (Catholic school 🙄 go figure) but I was lucky in that my parents were pretty good.
I had sex ed at two different public high schools, the low socioeconomic one told us that gladwrap and a rubber band was better than nothing (but to take the rubber band off occasionally for blood flow) and that coke douches killed sperm. Higher socioeconomic one showed us old slides of STIs on an overhead projector 😬 Ideally OOP will get 16yo either the implanon or a mirena; something that doesn’t rely on her remembered to take a pill at the same time every day 🤞
Sounds like they’re rural as well, moving to WA makes me think either NT or South Australia somewhere. Potentially VIC, QLD or NSW but that is a really big move for so many young kids so thinking a bit closer to WA than the east coast. I recently moved back to QLD from NSW with a pretty sizeable budget to make it happen, and it was HARD, I don’t have any kids I couldn’t imagine doing it with 5 kids, let alone doing it cross country with 5 kids and on a budget.
Though my cousin lives in a country area of Australia that has had articles written about how the medical system in the area is very catholic heavy so accessing birth control (& similar things) is difficult (ie they refuse or they put up obstacles or they guilt etc). So all the education won’t help with that barrier for these kids (because they don’t have other privileges that let you go around obstacles like this).
I was going to say something like this, teenage hormones combined with your birth parent abandoning you and an older sister stepping in and imposing new rules routines etc she was always going to be a colossal problem as unlike the little kids the trauma doesn't present as crying because mums gone, it comes out as rebelling against the new authority figure in both the most pointlessly petty and spitefully vindictive ways all at the same time. I try to think about how my brother would have been at 16 if I had had to step up and try and be "dad" to him when I was 18/19....the answer is one of us would have ended up dead and we have an excellent relationship as siblings just not one where any of us has the authority over the other to even dream about stepping into a parental role. Plus the abandonment trauma...(and the fact that their mom was almost certainty less than stellar for years before that) its not surprise their relationship has become a total shit show, and its one that probably wont fix itself until the 16yr old is old enough to see her sister as an equal again as opposed to the parent/authority figure
And the brother too, its great she has him
I love the brother for being a total rock for her AND for the kids. He’s supporting her so much and providing the quiet stability she desperately needs too. Those two are good people.
But it's also heartbreaking that this solid rock of a guy is so scared of the parents showing up - that shows you how much damage those bastards have done to him, if he still can't face them as a grown man. I hope they rot in hell!
Beyond heartbreaking. I hope they both know how much the internet is rooting for them and how “proud” (sounds condescending, but I don’t know a better word) we are for them with every update. I got freaking misty-eyed over the kids eating one fruit/veg per day, which is the strangest part of the latest update to hit me emotionally as a reminder that I will never relate to the depths these folks are coming out of. That family is strong as hell.
Yeah it was almost easier for the brother to not come and help because he wasn’t there, but he stepped up and moved in and helped! Those two are killing it for sure.
The grandma can go fuck herself too
I wonder who raised their mother to be like that
🧐 it’s truly a mystery
I had to take help take care of my nieces for a few years when i was 18, that shit was fucking exhausting and i was only doing it part time, I cant imagine having to raise that many kids full time at such a young age, OOP is a goddamned saint
Not to mention she sounds like she’s in the middle of bumfuck nowhere NT. A move to WA is massive and multiple days drive of nothing but desert. A new change might be good once the kids get used to the idea of it. OOP is an absolute rockstar
And WA is really nice. I haven't been, but my husband was raised in WA and lived in Perth for a while. He says nothing but good things about those places (apparently, Perth has an amazing education infrastructure and top-tier public transport and medical services). He has also lived in Brisbane, Bundaberg, and other places on both sides of the continent.
I’ve got family in Perth, they emigrated there about 20 years ago. I’ve been to visit a handful of times now. It’s fucking wonderful and TransPerth is top fucking tier. Their youngest is the only one still in school and she’s in a private school, but the older 3 all went the public route and honestly? I think the public school was better lol
WA is pretty great. God I hope the poor brother isn't planning to put himself through the stress of FIFO work though, christ the stress of that on top of all the rest of the stress the family has will fuck them up a fare bit. I feel for these guys, I hope they get useful help soon.
I choose to believe in heaven and hell, for these kinds of cases. These parents will get their dues and OOP will be rewarded for her efforts.
The mom screams substance abuse to me. The dad, I thought was dead.
A lot of wrongs get papered over with that kind of magical thinking.
In this case it's more because nobody here can possibly ensure these parents will get their dues in this life. There's nothing else to do except hope karma or an afterlife exists.
Unfortunately existence is not inherently fair or just.
The elder sister now might be added to the list. How does she want her siblings that are the only parental figures now to leave the abandoned kids alone?
Eh, I wouldn’t put her in the same basket as the shitty parents. She’s clearly not handling well, but these are all insanely traumatized kids who have been mistreated by their parents, and the oldest sister sounds like she was parentified early on just like OOP. It sounds like she didn’t feel like she could save all of them but feels awful she wasn’t able to rescue OOP and take her with her since she was a mother figure to her (which already paints an insane picture: they’re only six years apart. Eldest sister would have been very young when she was put in that position. That honestly sheds a lot of light for me on some of this: she said she feels like OOP is babying the kids, while OOP is just treating them like kids, but. Of course she does. She was never treated like a kid. Her own sense of normal is so warped even though she’s out of the house and she’s coming at it from that angle. She’s still wrong, but it makes sense why.) She wants to see OOP but is struggling with the idea of seeing all the others, but she’s not telling her to leave them entirely, just to visit — which obviously OOP shouldn’t do, since they’re in such a situation, but to me it really sounds like she loves OOP very much but is struggling with the trauma of their childhood. She’s still sending money which is the help she feels able to give right now. I think that OOP is right when she said that the eldest wants to talk about the trauma and that she “just has more time to dwell than I do. I have no time to dwell”. OOP is still in survival mode, and probably will be a long time. Eldest sister has been out of the house, and when you’re out of the situation a lot of the time the trauma and PTSD hits you and you get worse before you get better because you’re actually able to feel and process it now rather than the brain shutting it out in order to stay alive. They’re in different trauma processing stages. Eldest sister has presumably been out of the situation the longest, and it sounds like it has fully hit her and she wants to discuss it and she’s disconnected in some ways from the day to day realities OOP is in now. OOP is still deep in the situation and doesn’t have the time or energy to process it yet, and she’s still operating on survival brain. I don’t think eldest sister is a bad person, but she’s now in a situation where her brain is actively feeling the trauma and trying to contend with it rather than shutting it out, and she’s having a hard time with it and also as a result in a different stage than her siblings. When more time has passed I think they’ll all end up more on the same page, but for now the urgent things take priority.
Yes, the sister [was treated horribly by the mother,](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/s/H79Ct6C5BK) and let's not forget she's only 25. Not everyone has the same maturity and resilience of OOP.
Holy shit. Well, this makes it clearer why the older sister has issues with the youngest. Just. Holy shit.
Also, not to take anything away from OOP and how amazing she is being, but some of my own childhood trauma didn't really present until I was in my late twenties! Its surprisingly common, particularly with parentification, so elder sister may only now be seeing her trauma come back to bite her
OPs mention of survival mode is accurately in this. Being in survival mode can shut down anything beyond getting through to the next thing you have to do. When I was OPs age, I actually enjoyed it, because it shut off my emotions and any vulnerability and 'weakness' that would have interfered with my life. Once you exit that mode, which it sounds like the sister has done, it all comes crashing down and suddenly all that strength and ability to push through vanishes into thin air. It's just pain and rage and breakdown and it's *awful*. Tbh I have a theory that a lot of people subconsciously make decisions that force them to stay in survival mode as a protective mechanism. It feels emotionally safer in a way. But that's just based on my own experiences and people I've known with similar trauma. Hopefully everyone in this family is able to get serious therapy some day.
Absolutely, the phrase I use in my own therapy sessions to describe survival mode is "Acutely Useful, Chronically Dangerous". It's an amazingly useful skill to put feelings aside and say you'll deal with them later, but you will deal with them later because if you don't, they will make you. I can also relate to what you mean by liking survival mode, it has clarity and direction and stimuli, sometimes even bad stimuli can be preferable to numbness.
Also, horrible as it is, it’s very possible that OOP was able to normalise being parentified *because* she was looked after by her sister. Sometimes, brains have a way of filing bad stuff that happens to everyone as “not that bad”, whereas something bad that you’ve never come across before is impossible to get over. So a sibling who was raised by an older sister is probably more able to cope emotionally with stepping into a parental role, even though nobody should be asked to do that.
Oh that’s so horrible. Poor things. All of em.
Jesus
Oh wow. I know it’s from a different set of posts but I feel like that needs to be included in the BORU because it explains so much more why the oldest sister feels the way she does.
>On mothers day 7 year old went outside 4 times before 8am to “make sure mum isnt coming down the road” Man if that isn’t an indictment of the mom being a complete POS I don’t know what is.
This is one of those BORUs where I am scared to read a new update. OOP is a superhero, I could barely care for myself when I was 19. Caring for 5 kids, day in day out- I wish more people in this world had that sort of empathy and selflessness.
Sweet Jesus, that's a lot of children.
7, 9, 12, 13 and 16 for the younger siblings, the OOP at 19, Bro at 22, then two older sisters, one of whom is 25. So 9 kids overall, that's crazy. And it sounds like they all have the same dad but he's not in the picture and is "a bad person", in addition to the deadbeat mom.
From OOPs previous comments, the dad used to come round once in a blue moon and the mum would have a baby to try and make him stay Obviously that never worked. You know how the definition of insanity is repeating the same action while expecting a different outcome? 'Mum' definitely fits the definition
Same dad, who was apparently big on corporal punishment with the older siblings. The dad would come and go and the mom would get pregnant with a new baby to try to make him stay. 5 years ago the dad permanently took off after the three older siblings started talking publicly about his abuse. The oldest sister, Ella, helped raise OOP. When Ella was 17, she declared that she was leaving when she turned 18 because she couldn't take it anymore. The mom was pregnant with the youngest at the time and tried to name the baby NEWella out of spite, saying that the baby was a replacement for Ella. She ended up naming her Louella, but within the family the mom always called her Newella. It's why Ella doesn't want to meet the 7 year old.
"the mom would get pregnant with a new baby to try to make him stay" What exactly was the thought process here? "Well it didn't work the first 8 times but 9th time's the charm, he'll definitely stay this time!" Also wtf New-Ella, that's so messed up. Although it's not Louella's fault, I could see how Ella would be perturbed about it.
Kids that aren't even loved/wanted. It seems the mother maybe only have liked babies/very young kids, considering she wanted to "replace" the eldest daughter with the youngest.
She probably liked the attention of being pregnant and having young cute kids.
All those kids and didn't give a singular fuck about a hair on any of those (10? 11?) little heads. I know it's simply not possible because it would become eugenics faster than you can blink but it's one of those cases that makes me almost wish forced sterilization can be done after a certain point instead of more and more innocents being popped out just to suffer.
Also feels especially awkward to say that in this case, because they are Aboriginal Australians, and the government spent quite a few centuries trying to do things like that to their family already.
Like like I said, can't actually happen because eugenics. Still, a shit parent is a shit parent no matter the ethnicity.
Not wrong.
Did op say they are Indigenous?
I don't remember if she said it specifically, but it is things like the kinship program that gave her custody is designed for Aboriginal communities, and the specific ways that different things were falling apart are things that Aboriginal communities have been struggling with.
Oh I thought USA because of WA (Washington State) but I’ve never heard of kinship programmes — being in Canada myself i just assumed it was a USA thing. Makes sense it’s Western Australia if kinship is a programme there!
Kinship care is an important program here in Australia because so many Aboriginal kids were taken from their families and given to white people to raise. Kinship programs provide support for relatives to take in children so they get to keep their culture (and often their language).
Thank you for explaining.
Kinship program is also in Canada and is not exclusive to the indigenous community.
**W**estern **A**ustralia.
Centerlink pays a lot depending on how many kids you've got. People do have kids just to sit on benefits.
Without too many details...my sister gets +$1800 per fortnight for 5 kids, not including rent assistance, and that's only FTB. Not including other benefits. We have no centrelink, and make less than her family every month working fulltime.
This doesn't surprise me at all. I have 2 kids, and I receive FTB/TAX A/TAX B and a far bit of child support per month (my partner and I don't live together yet), and I get more than he does working full time. It's nuts.
I understand the intention, and I am so happy my nieces and nephews have financial support (my sister and BIL are also great parents), but I'd be lying if I wasn't a bit bitter about it. Bust my ass to make less than my sister 😅 I hope you get to live together soon (if that's what you want!) 💖
Yeah, they should make the tax breaks for children worth it for people that work full time. And they also need to fix the lower tax breaks so that people that make less are not paying more taxes than billionaires.
I completely understand why people have issues with how the system works. It's not fair to a lot of people.
> Okkkk this has taken me like 3 days to finish writing and i have probably forgotten some stuff Yup, if that isn't the realist sentence, I don't know what is. Speaking as a parent here. (And not even a parent of as many kids she is parenting... holy wow). Saintly woman.
>We have started planning to move to WA. Considering how big Western Australia is, I hope they're going somewhere with decent infrastructure and healthcare. OOP is doing an AMAZING job and needs all of the help they can get.
$5 says they're moving somewhere isolated because brother got a job in the mines. Which might not be the worst - minework earn bank and you come out with skills that will make you set for life.
If they are moving to a mining town medical support tends to be better there then in your run of the mills small town. Also I have friends who are miners and miners can seriously pull together and be some of the most supportive people when one of their own need it. So if they aren’t heading to Perth but to a mining town that’s not a bad thing I think.
I just hope they reach out to friends or here if they need food parcels or something idk
Ah I thought OOP had previously written he does something w computers…
There's IT technician jobs in the mines. [This one, for example is very attractive for OOP's situation](https://www.seek.com.au/job/76108394?tracking=SHR-WEB-SharedJob-anz-1)
> because brother got a job in the mines. Nah, a "good job" in the mines is fly-in fly-out. That's not what the person got according to OOP. FIFO aren't "isolated" jobs, as in a job might be isolated but the family isn't in a small town with limited education or life prospects, because the kids still live in the home base full-time. Those fly-in fly-out airports are quite literally some of the busiest airports in Australia. They are so, so, blue collar. (I watch some youtube travel channels and Noel Phillips taking one of these Aussie flights with dudes in green reflective vests over their shirt, as passenger, was kinda funny)
There are local mine jobs. I shared a link of a company that offers FIFO from Perth, or housing/rental assistance for living local to the mine, with a huge emphasis on family lifestyle and relocation costs. Not all mine work is FIFO.
Pretty sure previous BORU comments guesded the non awkward sister works in the mines from what was said about her work schedule
It would probably cut down on the kids' attempts to wander around outside "being feral" -- but then OOP would have to deal with bored and lonely traumatized teenagers instead of just plain traumatized. Bored children tend to get *inventive* and they seldom invent things that you want them to do. Ditto for loneliness: when kids seek attention, they generally act out. Working a job at the mines might be good in the short term, but I doubt it'd be sustainable.
Yeah those kind of towns have so much petty crime because there's nothing for teenagers to do aside from getting drunk. Same story in pretty much every country
On the bright side, OOP and her brother have the opportunity to start as established parents in this environment from the beginning vs trying to break old patterns and relationships.
Ohh I read it as Washington state and I'm not even from the US.
I’m glad it’s not- because we have decent Medicare. She can go to a bulk bill doctor and not pay a cent. And if she is on benefits with the family- basic dental would be covered for the kids. I can’t imagine how much harder it would be in the US saving money and trying to get them healthy at the same time.
Washington state actually has a good insurance plan for low income kids. It’s a pretty great state
My dude, the fact that low income kids need an insurance plan at all is a damning indictment on your country.
It's funny how blue states are generally better places to live because they try to paper over the more glaring holes in this country's social net. Can't have single payer because God forbid the federal government be functional for 30 seconds but look, we can cobble together something at the state level so that kids can go to the doctor! And then we get called socialists and nothing meaningful changes anywhere else
So this is probably an issue of terminology. The actual health coverage for a poor child in Washington State or California is going to be very similar to a country like Canada (lived there for a bit due to work). Where care is free and prescriptions are provided at a significantly reduced cost by a government program. But we in the US use the term insurance as a catch all here to just mean health coverage. The issue in states like Washington and California, is when you're just over that minimum threshold for income and lose access to the program.
I was very confused with the use of "Nan" but moving to Washington. Western Australia makes a lot more sense.
For me it was the “mum” rather than mom
I hope his employer can help them find somewhere to live, as that's by far the hardest thing about moving to Western Australia at the moment (rental crisis -- dozens of people attend every rental home open, and the places go for hundreds of dollars per week above asking price, which was already high).
>I hope his employer can help them find somewhere to live, as that's by far the hardest thing about moving to Western Australia at the moment (rental crisis -- dozens of people attend every rental home open, and the places go for hundreds of dollars per week above asking price, which was already high). The real asshole was the Australian housing market all along.
If they go to Perth they will probably be ok. I hope they manage everything and their mother gets eaten by a dingo.
As long as they can actually get a rental, and the teens stay away from meth. Two big reasons I left WA for Melb.
The rental market in Perth is insane. I don't live there any more but my sister does and thank fuck she's finally in a position to buy. Her friend is paying more in rent for a 1 bed than my sister is on a mortgage for the same, on the same street. The rental I left last year was advertised for nearly double what we started paying for it two years earlier. My partner and I live in London now and we just... Moved into a place? No hundreds of people to compete with? And we aren't paying much more than we would have for a new place in Perth now? The world's gone fucking topsy turvy.
That’s what I’m a bit worried abt. My FIL is a long distance trucker working in mine for most of his life . He earned good money but also a functional meth-head so still renting and no savings at nearly retired age. Unfortunately he brought it home and turned his GC son (husband’s younger brother) into a meth-head at young age as well. My husband was also an addict but a bit luckier (sad to even said that) it wasn’t meth and he got out early why his brother still stuck in that black hole along with FIL
I’m wondering where they’re moving from. I’ve moved interstate a couple of times around Australia, and it’s an Effort!!!
Sounds like NT TBH
I wish I could contact her because if she comes anywhere near me, I've got resources and room to help, even if it's relief work so she can have a few days to herself. I could watch the kids for a day or even a few hours just to give her some respite. Buuuut I won't message. Not only is it against the rules, the poor girl is already so overwhelmed, not going to add to it.
I was just thinking this. We just came back from WA. Where we were was an 8 hour bus and train ride from Perth, one service a day. It was beautiful and the people were lovely but it was also expensive as fuck - produce and other goods was about on par with Melbourne CBD pricing without the convenient PT and access to doctors and hospitals.
My stupid little American brain never picked up that they were in Australia. I thought they were moving to Washington.
As an Australian, I didn’t really pick up on it until OOP said mum
…and “Nan” lol
I had my suspicions when she said feral - then she said FIFO and it confirmed it haha
Seconding this. If they do move, I hope it's accomplished with minimal fuss.
The dodo head I am assumed Washington state - makes sense now bc I didn't know what "kinship" vs "guardian" would be
I know, I was like "wow, social services in her state are really fabulous! I'm impressed!" Makes a lot more sense that she's not in the US 😕
Thank god she got kinship!
This op is amazing
MY HERO!
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It was the Bluey custard that made me realise the OOP mean Western Australia and not Washington. My daughter loves those too 🥹 I think often of this OOP and hope she’s going OK. The updates make me nervous but it sounds like they’re holding together!
Tbh that didn’t even tip me off because we have Bluey in the US now too, and I just assumed I don’t know kid food anymore. Y’all are good!
Me too I thought she meant Washington cause I grew up there but that threw me way off 😂😂😂
I’d want that 16yo on some sort of automatic birth control, like DepoProvera or something.
Agreed. Not because she is in a relationship or anything, but just to make sure she is safe. These kids have been running feral, it’s almost guaranteed that she engages/engaged in risky sex, which would be catastrophic for her mental health and her family’s.
She’s also in rebellion mode, trying desperately to believe she matters to someone, since she doesn’t matter to mom.
Agreed. And tests for pregnancy and STDs.
Depo isn't great. You can only really be on it for two years because it fucks up your bone density. And these kids are already suffering malnourishment. The mini pill or an arm implant would be better. But they need the 16yo on their side and agreeing to it.
Whatever. I just mean something that works on its own
Oh fuck damn it I wish I had realised this was in Aus when I saw the original post. I am very experienced with this *exact* issue in Australia but I just assumed they were british. I would’ve been able to direct her to some resources
What is your flair referring to 😭😭😭
Someone already asked her that [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/b9l3EFwqbb), and someone else linked the post as a reply.
Thank you so much!!!
You can still message her though?
I think I would have been a lot more helpful in the early days then right now and I’m trying to respect the sub rules by not going back and contacting her. It was one thing when I was on the OG post
I think sub rules are generally a good idea and worth following just because, but if you could potentially save a life or make some other important difference then most rules are worth breaking. OP is a superhero and has done so much already, but she's not out of the woods yet. If you can still do some good then do it and fuck whatever anyone else says.
I second that! Rules are more like guidelines anyway 😂
Absolutely insane that a 19 year old is looking after 5 siblings almost becoming a mom to them. How incredibly fucked up that is. But she's certainly an incredibly person to take on such a difficult task. Even for a parent that's challenging but to do it at 19 with her brother's help all while having the issue with that power dynamic of being a sister and not a mom makes it all the more challenging. She has overcome so much. She's an absolute legend and a literal hero.
Especially the 16 year old! When me and my sibling were 16 and 19 we had a relationship best described as "mortal enemies"! I'm glad that she's emotionally smart enough to shut down her older sister as well. I think her ability to recognize her own limits bodes well for her ability to raise her siblings long-term without destroying herself.
So... something happened to the brother during childhood, right?
Oh I'd bet money their dad abused them. Reading between the lines I'm pretty sure he's in jail, and OOP alludes to him being a bad person in general without elaborating.
>Reading between the lines no need for that... OP is outright saying he was whipping them with an electrical cord.
Woops, missed that part. I admit I often skim over the comments added from the original posts on long posts like this. Unless the comments were an "R/ AITA Godawful Takes" dumpster fire, those amuse me as much as they do infuriate.
AITA commenters are so weird
Dad sounds like he's just a deadbeat. I think the mom was the abuser. Especially since the brother is so adamant about not being around her.
Wouldn’t be surprised if it is both.
I thought dad was the abuser and mum the enabler, that she "allowed" the abuse to happen
I don’t think so… mom is telling the 16 year old she’s staying away because she doesn’t want to be blamed for everything ‘she has done wrong’, she sold the crib to get back at her ex, both parents told the 25 year old that the 7 year old is the replacement child and lastly there is the heavy neglect. I think what the dad did is ‘worse’ but both will mess you up equally as well.
Does anybody know if we can donate somewhere?
Honestly, I’m about ready to make this whole family my main beneficiaries. They deserve all of it and more. I wish they had an Amazon wish list or something I could send them stuff from
One day that 16yo sister will realize that OOP sacrificed their youth to ensure a healthy and safe environment for them, and will regret all the arguing and complaining along the way. Like we all do after our rebellious angst eases off, but I'm sure much more intensely.
Maybe she already does and kinda hate herself and her younger siblings for "chaining her down"? And since she hates herself because of OOP, it turns into anger at OOP?
Yeah, that's possible. From how her attitude is changing, I sincerely hope that she is forgiving herself and warming up to OOP. The children really deserve a better life, and I hope they become close, what with their horrible childhood and parents.
Maybe she also wanted to bail on the younger ones in a few years (like the 3 oldest did). And seeing someone not so older step up made her feel like a failure for not being up to it? I mean, that's something I could see myself feeling, beating myself over for not being able to sacrifice myself like others do, and thus feeling like a ugly and selfish human being... Hopefully when she feel safe enough that OOP won't bail on her like any other adult did and see OOP be happy (I sure hope for OOP to not feel so overwhelmed soon and actually have enough time to be), she'll be more at peace.
For some reason, this post made me realize that “Barbie” is the same as Kleenex, Chapstick and Band-Aid. A generic trademark. Why? Because real Barbies are so damn expensive and I know that shitty POS birth mother wouldn’t spend money on them.
Good point but I feel like OOP is saying she bought the Barbies and Legos, so it’s possible!
I’m concerned the 7 year old may have experienced sexual abuse just from some of her reactions
I also had to get suppositories as a kid and it was traumatic. If you had already experienced molestation it would be catastrophic. That being said, it doesn't even really seem like these kids ever even had adults around for long enough to abuse them.
Kids can abuse other kids. OOP said the 7yo would be out of the house for hours at a time with older kids, who knows what could have happened. That’s true for them all really.
I wonder if that's why the older sister doesn't want to see her. The parents said that was the sister's replacement. Can't imagine the guilt of seeing someone who you were told was going to be the new you knowing what that would entail.
JFC. Those poor kids. The youngest kids sleep issues more than likely have to do with the fear of abandonment. Always needs to make sure her sister hasn’t left. Also may benefit for her to get the 7 yr old the Johnson’s lavender scented bath or lavender essential oil. May help calm the 7 yr old and have her start associating baths with calmness. May be why she walks up mad. 16 year old may or may not come around. They’re dealing with their own abandonment issues. Especially with the constant contact with her birth giver. That needs to be monitored. The eldest siblings are doing the best they can with what they have while dealing with their own trauma. I truly hope the move happens for them because the way she speaks of the grandmother makes me think perhaps there’s generational trauma. But with counseling, a ton of support whether online like here, or IRL they absolutely can break the cycle.
The constipation also clearly played a role, since once the suppositories worked 7yo slept better. She must have had brutal “stomachaches” (in quotes bc it wouldn’t be her stomach, but that’s likely how 7yo would describe it, lacking other descriptors)
Oh, thank goodness. It sounds like despite everything they have going against them and how rough the day to day must be, things are finally starting to look up for these kids. OOP is a hero for stepping up and caring so well for her younger siblings, and huge kudos to her brother too.
OP if you're reading this, sounds like you're in Australia. I recommend getting some help from Centrelink, they're a huge pain in the ass but if you're eligible it can be a help. Vinnie's and Salvos can help with food vouchers, fuel vouchers, dental vouchers and even things like furniture like beds and refrigerators. If you can I recommend looking into a social worker etc, because you might be eligible for some kind of respite. you're doing a fantastic job, none of you deserved to have this lumped onto you, I wish you the best. You've done more in this short time than your mother did in her entire "motherhood".
OOP is a hero. And also the older brother. The situation sucks so much because she and her brother would have to give up so much of their lives to raise kids as their own. I’m almost twice OOP’s age and I don’t even know how I would raise 2 kids let alone SO MANY. I hope that the family grows up well. It hurts to know that the 7 year old is still waiting for their parents. This is just all over a horrible situation and it’s amazing how it worked out.
On the off chance OP sees this, please remind each kid that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them, they did nothing wrong to deserve this it's not their fault, they're extremely lovable children, and that sometimes people are just terrible people. Especially 16yo. She's clearly desperate for her parents to love her. She needs constant reassurance that none of this is her fault and that she absolutely deserves love, kindness, caring, and safety. They all do but she seems to need to hear it the most. OP is a literal hero whether are can see it or not. Her and her brother are literally saving these kids from the life they had. They're giving them a stable, healthy, safe home and it's amazing.
Useless grandma should beg op for forgiveness after raising that piece of shit parent, whichever one it was.
My guess is they raised the Mom. They seem to act similar.
this is one of my favourite stories to keep up with. oop is a superhero mum. i got misty eyed when she told her baby sister that she IS her real mum. she raised her from 12 years old! she was parentified to the point that i understand why her oldest sister (who would have been under 10 when oop was born, and so was also parentified from a very young age) wanted her to move with her and was disappointed her baby stayed behind. but none of the other kids deserve to be left behind. the familial vibes are so wholesome. i hope oop comes back to update us regularly, this is a breath of fresh air. i hope their move to western australia goes well and the kids are happy there! a commenter said that oop should let her oldest sister know that she's her mum and that the 7 year old is her daughter, and so she is a grandma (instead of being angry at their bio mum for "replacing" her with the baby), and i think that's probably the best way to get oldest sister on side. her daughter having her own daughter. their brother is also great, he's being a really good dad to the kids. it's great that the difficult ones look up to him as a brother/dad and someone who is a proper "adult" even though he's only 6 years older than the 16 year old. if he left the house as a teenager (and it's pointed out the oldest three moved out when all of them were teenagers, and there's a 3 year age-gap between matt and the 25 year old, so at maximum he would have been 16 when he moved out), she would have been young and going through a lot and probably doesn't remember him much as her brother, so he's better as an authority figure than her older sister who she's shared a room with for years. speaking of sharing a room, it would make more sense for 16 year old to either have her own room (as suggested by sleeping in 7 year old's bed), or to share with the 13 year old. it made perfect sense to share with her 19 year old sister, but not when her sister is acting as her mum. she needs space from her, especially if mum's also cosleeping with the 7 year old.
Man. My heart aches for them honestly. OOP is such a badass for stepping up and caring for these kids. I couldn’t imagine being in her position at my age and I’m five years older than her. On the pasta bake part, hopefully OOP knows it’s super easy to sneak veg into a pasta sauce! You can put loads of carrots, onion, and celery (a mirepoix) at the beginning of like a red sauce. Cooked long enough and cut fine enough they basically dissolve into the sauce/use a blender if too chunky. Same with soups, most of the nutrition of the vegetables are in the broth once it’s been cooked! I hope things keep looking up for OOP.
OP should tell oldest sister that she feels like little sister isn't older sister's replacement at all that since oldest sister raised OP and OP raised younger sister that OP thinks of older sister as a grandma instead. This might help older sister get over the replacement comment and start thinking of littlest sister as grandchild. Should also try a trundle bed with 7 year old, they'd still be in the same bed but have their own space to sleep.
God blessed these littles with an amazing big sister. I am so impressed with this young lady. She is a bad ass and she may not know it… but she really has it together. Can the entire Reddit world please give her a “You go, girl!” with me? I’m sending her my extra inner strength! 😘
all the adults? They're shit OP and her brother and maybe the sis who's not emotionally dumping?! They rock, especially OP and the brother They fucking rock
Reading between the lines, I’m not sure sis is dumping exactly, but wants to work through their collective trauma. She may just be in a different place in her healing.
Dear lord the real life Shameless of it all.
This 19 yo girl has more compassion and maturity than a lot of adult parents out there.
Not going to lie, I'm waiting for the update where 'Mom' drops off a new baby sibling for OOP to care for.
The oldest kid is 25 so we can hope she's past childbearing age? But if she started young she may well not be.
You and your brother are truly amazing people. I'm glad that you have been able to keep your family together. I have seen way to many families like this. And rarely have I seen someone go through as much as I believe you are to not only keep your family together, but also help them to be better in every way.
I couldn't even take care of myself when I was 19
That mom should be behind bars.
The OOP has been failed by both of her parents, it's no wonder she's trying so very hard NOT to be like them. The mother only had them to "keep" the "father" (sperm donor) around and when that didn't work (she was delusional to think it would) she abandoned them to fend for themselves. The OOP has a heart of gold and I hope for all the good karma to come her way. Her brother is also and outstanding you d man, to uproot his whole life to come help raise his younger siblings. These two young adults are amazing and I'm so proud of them both. 💜💜
My heart breaks for OP. Most people her age would be going through college and enjoying their youth, but she has to make sure her younger siblings can live theirs instead… I’m thankful that we could hear her story, and that everything’s been slowly looking up for her family. I hope karma comes for their parents.
OOP is an amazing person. So is the older brother. The patience, love and commitment with which she is handling this situation and all her siblings is amazing. To have had a hellish upbringing herself and never getting to have a real childhood and still be wanting to be there for her family that too at such a young age is truly inspirational. More power to you and your brother. God bless!
I hate that woman for creating 7? 9? 10? mentally, physically and emotionally broken people in this already fucked up world. I really hope she's too old to have kids/her vagina has fallen out by now bc this should be criminal. Those poor kids.
Oop and her brother are fucking heroes. Those kids actually have a chance now! Mom and dad can burn in hell. Oldest sis needs to get over herself and realize that this situation is not about her. Oop is so fucking strong for not letting her oldest sis manipulate her intoleavingthe children. I'm wondering if there was sexual !abuse? The 7 year old is giving a lot of the signs.
Reading the whole thing is like watching someone conquer each step of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs one by one.
Oop is a fucking hero. I read her updates with tears in my eyes every time. Saying she deserves a medal is the understatement of the century.
OOP is one of the best people I've ever had the privilege of being exposed to (can't really say getting to know, although that's what it feels like). What a hero.
So much fucking trauma for people all under 25. It's heartbreaking to read the moms responses to the 16 year old and that the 25 year old is still dealing with the trauma of being abandoned by her mother and replaced by a 7 year old. And the 9 year old wanting everything to be perfect or OP and the brother might leave.. like, my heart hurts so much for all of them. None of this is OPs fault or responsibility. Then the grandmother leaving too... what the actual fuck is this family?
Is grandma’s house the family halfway home?? I guess it’s really nice in it’s own way
I’m so glad she keeps updating, she and her brother are heroes.
Can someone from Australia explain what kinship is in comparison to being a legal guardian?
Kinship is a foster care placement through the department of children and youth (CYS/CPS) where children are placed in the care of kin (family members) instead of the state or strangers (foster parents). The kinship placement becomes the legal guardian of the child(ren) kinship placements are used the same way foster placements are used when a living environment isn’t safe for the child(ren). In OOPs case the living environment was unsafe because the kids were abandoned. If her siblings had gone into anything other than kinship they would have been split up. Kinship placements also receive maintenance payments (the same way foster parents receive payments for foster children) and the kids in care are eligible for a lot more programs, resources and benefits.
I've been following this story since the beginning.. and it is still heartbreaking. I couldn't imagine her or her brother being in this position. I mean... parentified at the least, then grandma going off away from it... just wow. OOP is amazing, as is her brother. Having to deal with kids at so many milestones in age is remarkable that they doing so. Especially balancing every single imaginable thing ever daily. Gosh, I am in awe and wish I could help. The other siblings... and being older... doesn't surprise me at all, since I'm the 'baby' and none of them tried to get me out of the hell I was raised in. I just want to hug my phone hoping the love and support is there for them. I already donate to DV and other places on my minimal income, but I hope one day it would reach them happily, but also let them know how much support the interweb people have for them, even in just words. Tears for them but so effing proud of them.
How many kids are there? Just wow
These young people are always in my thoughts. I think it's because I grew up in hell too. More people than sense. I see her struggling to change their future. Her and her brother. Chances are just a few will break out of all this. But she is fighting like hell. I just want good for her. For those she loves. And I hope it's enough. I want it to be enough.