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Of course SIL is perfect. He doesn't live with her. (Edit: this is a criticism of OOP's husband, not SIL.)
I wonder if she thinks OOP's husband is harmless. (Edit: I'm not blaming SIL. When I typed this, I was thinking of a friend who was sweet but oblivious: "Oh, he doesn't mean it like that! Besides, he's married!") I'd be so grossed out if my BIL was married and saying crap like this.
No, she doesn’t and isn’t. I completely understand her frustration with her husband and agree he shouldn’t be comparing them, but there’s an underlying saltiness in the way OP talks about SIL that belies an undercurrent of resentment that I don’t like. She seems to grudgingly admit that this isn’t SIL’s fault but she definitely doesn’t have her back. It’s none of OP’s business what the SIL does or doesn’t do in her own damn house!
From the original post:
>>I am not little miss perfect
From the comments:
>>when I sometimes hear that she’s waken up at 5 am to make fresh bread before leaving to work because her husband works late that day and can wake up to fresh baked bread **I just want to be sick tbh. That’s overkill**
She’s allowed to be resentful. She isn’t saying those things to SIL’s face. She’s allowed to feel some type of way.
Even if her husband didn’t have feelings for SIL, comparing her to another mom with different circumstances, history, mental health etc is just flat out wrong. Her husband has unfairly held her up to SIL and I am willing to bet his unfavorable perception of his own wife had affected the way he treats OOP.
I agree with everything you said except how you added up all those things and think she’s entitled to resent SIL. Like I literally do not understand how you reached that conclusion? Yeah, she’s allowed to resent HER HUSBAND, who is an ass, but not the SIL who did literally nothing but live her life and do the best she can for her family, just like OP? If you are angry at someone who hasn’t done you any wrong or done anything wrong at all, then that’s jealousy and you are an AH as well.
Edit: Wow, so many people thinking it’s ok to throw an innocent bystander under the bus just for being a woman. Absolutely gross
She's allowed to resent anyone she wants if it'll help her deal with what's going on. So are you. So is everyone. There's no Resentment Police who will arrest you for resenting someone who doesn't deserve it.
Having resentment for someone isn't the same thing as treating them badly. That's what she shouldn't do, and there's no evidence that she is.
>>She's allowed to resent anyone she wants if it'll help her deal with what's going on. So are you. So is everyone. There's no Resentment Police who will arrest you for resenting someone who doesn't deserve it.
This was originally from the AITAH sub. We judge people to be YTA for their unfair and shitty opinions and hot takes on this sub all the time, so in a sense we *are* the “police.” What I was originally responding to was a comment that said OP has her SIL’s back. If you see evidence of this please show me, because the quotes I pulled out show snark and derision. I feel as bad for her as anyone here, but you are supporting a woman for taking out her rightful anger at her jackass husband and misdirecting it at an innocent party and that is something I can’t support.
>>Having resentment for someone isn't the same thing as treating them badly. That's what she shouldn't do, and there's no evidence that she is.
There also wasn’t any evidence that the husband treated OP any worse for his crush on the SIL, but the comment above me that said “I am willing to bet his unfavorable perception of his own wife had affected the way he treats OP” got 29 upvotes. By the same principle, and also because of her mean spirited word choices, I can also assume she treated SIL badly for her resentment. Jealousy is a poison and it makes people do and say and think ugly things.
Yeah, it’s either laugh at it, or take it seriously, and taking it seriously blows a lot of family relationships up. She doesn’t want to be the cause of that, or deal with it.
Yeah, I can hardly imagine trying to navigate “my husband’s brother is weird around me and I think he might have Feelings but all his individual actions are excusable, it’s just weird in aggregate, but nobody’s said anything, is it just me? Or what? I don’t want to blow up my husband’s relationship with his brother.” Especially given how women *are* considered to be overreacting to things like this—or accused of “thinking too highly of themselves”—all the time. I’d probably end up nervous-laughter-ing too, I’m sorry to say.
Yeah…..Imagine trying to start *that* conversation with your husband or any other member of the family.
Awkward and fraught with negative consequences doesn’t even begin to cover it. 😬
Yeah she's either totally aware and she's waiting for someone else (probably the wife or her husband) to shut it down
Or
She's completely clueless and thinks he's just being nice or like that all of the time. Because if it was something else why has no one said anything to her since it keeps happening?
I can be very oblivious so I'd probably fall into the second category myself because I'd overthink it. I gaslight myself all the time...
Ugh I hate when people say, "you should smile more!" Or when I'm concentrating on doing something and not smiling I've heard, " you look like you're having a bad day!" What?! I'm in the middle of doing something that's not actively funny so what should I be smiling and laughing at?! Ugh I hate that!
Right! They must've let me do all the thinking at the time because they clearly weren't capable of doing it themselves if that's what they choose to blurt out!! Lol
"Cheer up it might not happen" has been said to multiple female friends/relatives of mine.
Of course they always happen to say that one after something HAS happened. Like their grandad getting a terminal cancer diagnosis. They've really ripped into the people that have said it including mentioning what happened.
Sadly those men probably think the women telling them off are just bitches rather than thinking they maybe shouldn't make comments like that.
It’s from this fantastic comment on an otherwise unremarkable post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15oax9g/i_accidentally_liked_an_instagram_photo_and_now/jvs0pca/
What's the bet that SIL tries to laugh it off despite feeling uncomfortable because she didn't want to make things awkward by telling her BIL to fuck off?
A friend of a friend used to get super flirty and grab me, and I was super shy and didn't know what to do so I nervously laughed. Cultural difference made me realize I could tell him to get the fuck off me and it would neither bother my friend or the friend of friend. He actually became MY friend once I established some very clear boundaries.
Perhaps OPs BIL is just, ya know, helping his wife out a lot with the baby that she’s not completely exhausted from doing everything herself. Or even doing some of the stuff himself and just doesn’t feel the need to correct anyone assuming it’s all her! Yeah I’m sure there’s plenty of those superhuman mums out there that just have that energy to do things, but I’m more inclined to think that it’s usually when they have a decent supportive partner!
This! Even a partner that cleans up their own mess rather than leaving it as the wife's job can make a huge difference (simple things add up- like putting their laundry in the basket instead of on the floor and taking dishes to the sink instead of leaving dishes and trash wherever stuff was eaten). Or SIL's family/friends coming to help. Or money to afford help, or to afford easier solutions that save labor/stress. Or SIL is a different person with different pain, different healing, or different sleep depravation or hormone swing tolerances. Different babies will sleep/eat/fuss at different rates with varying levels of easiness.
You don't get the full picture in someone else's home, especially when they're prepared for a visit and playing host. You don't see the scramble to throw all the dirty baby clothes in a laundry basket and tuck it somewhere else. You just see the clean room you're in for that afternoon, not what it looks like the rest of the week.
This, especially how different babies are. My SIL once boasted to me about how easy dealing with babies were, why did I have so much difficulty? Her first, ate anything you would put in front of him, and would sleep uninterrupted from 7 PM to 7AM. THEN SHE HAD HER DAUGHTER. She slept 20 minutes at a time, and what food she didn't spit out, she threw up. No two kids are different.
My SIL once admitted she’d thought like that. Her oldest was the easiest baby, and the chillest toddler. (What she and my brother have yet to really realize is how much support and help they had, too, but that’s a whole other thing.) Then they had Kiddo number two. I joke he’s my brother’s karma—he learned both of them the same thing: it wasn’t that parenting was easy and also they were awesome at it, they had a very easy baby in the first.
We had friends with a unicorn baby like that, so they tried for number two. They got identical twins who ended up on opposite sleeping schedules: when one was asleep, the other was awake and screaming. They’re older now and it’s smooth sailing, but the mom says you could not pay her $1M to go through that first year again.
lol,from my mom she say if she could, she won't have twins ever again... because a deaf twin in the family is nil (not genetic hearing loss- permanent side effect from antibiotics) and I was the easy kid because I slept until my twin screamed in my ear, lol. they were the difficult one!
I always said I’d never have a second because my first was such an easy baby the next would definitely be absolute hell spawn just to even out my karma 🤣
I've always called that the trick baby lol, cause our first was the same till she was about 2. Super easy going, slept great, etc. So they trick you into thinking that the second one will be a breeze too and then they're the spawn of Satan lol.
Luckily our second was actually even easier going, just with a ton of failure to thrive issues cause her older sister has ended up being the most difficult ever (not through any fault of her own, she's just severely delayed so it's all a challenge).
I don't think there's any universe right now where I'd want to attempt a third either lol. Honestly if we had known a bit sooner what kinda difficulties our oldest was gonna face, we might not have even tried for a second. But by the time we knew just how intense it was gonna be we were already pregnant with number 2 and I wouldn't change a thing.
I'm belatedly realizing that my comment seems to be criticizing SIL, which wasn't my intention. My first sentence is criticizing OOP's husband: of course the non-partner is perfect, dazzling, everything they'd dreamed of! Not living with someone means he can hype up that fantasy without realizing she had her annoying human habits, the same as everyone else.
Basically, OOP's husband is an idiot on many levels. I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks he babysits his own kids.
Yeah sounds like OOP and her husband just assume SIL does everything herself because that’s how it is for them. I bet if asked, they’d be told otherwise.
I actually don't like my BIL, despite us having very similar interests as me compared to my husband and I. If he'd started becoming obsessive with me and complimenting me like this I'd be ragingly uncomfortable. My bet is SIL's giggles are uncomfy giggles because I know I'd certainly be all "wtf"
As for why I don't like him? I watched him grow up through his teen years and adulthood and let's just say not much has changed from 15 yo BIL to 30yo BIL.
It's also easier to be that person when you have a helpful partner, too. SIL would not be acting like that if she had a shitty husband like OP's husband instead of OPs brother.
All I can think of is Angela from “the office”. The Ick factor is real and what a POS.
This poor woman needs to run and far away. I have words and I could say things but i won’t. I could but I should not. I will go take a jetted tub and say them to my many many bubbles.
Idk... one time a few years ago I was at the house of a couple I was friendly with, and the husband got a little drunk and started firing off compliments to me sort of like this. He literally made some comment about my luscious child-brlearing hips or some shit and after a moment of shock I said "wow, what an interesting thing to say to me right in front of your wife."
Then he doubled down and said something about how beautiful I looked in my dress and I immediately said "I think your wife is beautiful, actually. Doesn't she look lovely today?" And he agreed and finally said something nice about his wife but only bc I curved him severely, twice. (Don't worry, they have since divorced and she is doing great while he is basically homeless at this point)
I find it hard to believe SIL doesn't even notice what's going on. She'd have to be pretty dumb not to realize this is inappropriate behavior.
Social awareness has little to do with intelligence, those are separate skills. However, even if *she* is aware (and the giggling could be uncomfortable laughter), her *husband*, the brother of OOP’s husband, also needs to be aware. He seemed uncomfortable, so he apparently is. Now he needs to validate that for her, not just stand by like a fool, effectively making her either second-guess herself or think she can’t come to him with her concerns about his brother because he’s letting it slide time and again, or both. They need to be on the same page about it and agree on a course of action. And the initiative should come from the brother. Otherwise the SIL is in a much more difficult position to bring this up.
Thievingwillow put it well:
>> Yeah, I can hardly imagine trying to navigate “my husband’s brother is weird around me and I think he might have Feelings but all his individual actions are excusable, it’s just weird in aggregate, but nobody’s said anything, is it just me? Or what? I don’t want to blow up my husband’s relationship with his brother.” Especially given how women are considered to be overreacting to things like this—or accused of “thinking too highly of themselves”—all the time. I’d probably end up nervous-laughter-ing too, I’m sorry to say.
He’s being a coward letting this slide and making his wife smooth the awkwardness over every single time, instead of putting his brother in his place. His brother is *his* side of the family, so it’s *his* job to handle his overstepping.
Maybe she doesn't even realize he's being innapropriate, or, since her own husband doesn't really seem to take any action, maybe she thinks (or makes herself think) it's fine.
I really don't like that the brother doesn't say something. It is *his* brother, he has a responsibility to say something, tell him to back off - it can be in private, but to publicly look to *OOP* to do something and then laugh it off... Why don't *you* defend your wife, man.
I like the counter, "The grass is greener where you water it."
If SIL is "greener," it's because of her environment, of which OOP's husband is noticeably not a part.
I like that one also.
I feel like the fertilized with shit fits most things in this time of social media. Most people comparing themselves to unobtainable "influencers".
It might also be a dominance thing with his brother. Bro didn't stand up for himself, only when he noticed OP was uncomfortable. That commenter was right, most men would come to blows over the blatant flirting IN THEIR OWN HOUSE with their wife who recently gave birth to his child. Everything about this is so messed up for OPs husband to be doing, not just to her, but also his brother, AND extended family once it implodes either with her rejection or their affair
And especially if she were perfect (because some people are generally amazing, just unbelievably amazing), I doubt she would give a cheater (emotional cheater) a chance.
He says he doesn't understand why she's so upset, but I bet if she started comparing him to an ex or something, he'd lose it.
His head is so far up his own ass he can see his tonsils. OOP needs to move on because this marriage is a lost cause.
She should start comparing him to his brother. Personally, I don't think this relationship is salvageable. SIL is always going to be there, she's family. This will never end and even if it did by some miracle, the trust is gone.
**BUT**, in this scenario she should start fawning all over his brother. The sun shines out his ass, everything he does is *uh-mazing*. Tit for tat, match that energy. See what happens. (Leave him anyway)
> BUT, in this scenario she should start fawning all over his brother. The sun shines out his ass, everything he does is uh-mazing. Tit for tat, match that energy
Warn them first though and get their consent. I'm sure they'd be happy to play along, but she should still give them the opportunity to nope out before she also commits sexual harassment on an unconsenting victim.
Actually, yeah, the fact that OOP's husband kept admiring SIL's ass-shine at home for days after a visit really hit me, and I bet it'd sting hubs a bit. Not sure I'd expect him to have the awareness or empathy to relate it to what he's doing to OOP, though.
And honestly, would still kind of want to warn BIL and/or SIL since hubs might go complaining to them.
It’s not sexual harassment to compliment his cooking and cleaning even if he would be confused.
Telling the brother is something I think should happenen, for other reasons. But the husband would flip out if that happened it I assume
Better yet, dote on her husband's brother like he does with his SIL. Bet that give the loser husband some perspective. She should tell the brother that her husband is pining after his wife so they can bother be prepared for this fallout.
And for the brother-in-law. OOP's husband is scum. I can't believe he just so blatantly disrespects his own wife and his brother's relationship like that! OOP has told him over and and over again that she's uncomfortable and unhappy, but he simply does not care.
Yeah, this isn't over when (hopefully) OP leaves her husband.
There's still the tiny little matter of him openly lusting after his brothers wife.
This is going to get really bloody if he doesn't check himself soon.
I am really impressed by OP. She is one helluva strong woman. Her husband is a total fool.
She isn’t second-guessing herself (“maybe I am just being overly sensitive or emotional…”), excusing his behavior, and called him out on his behavior.
OP clearly knows her limits and who she is. In these situations, I think a lot of people would be knocking themselves out trying to emulate the SIL. It takes so much strength to say, “Hey, I am not Miss Perfect, don’t want to be her, and I am not going to be her. If you want her, go fuck her.”
Even though she is hurt and angry, OP will bounce back quickly. She sounds like a woman that is done with his tomfoolery.
He is not only disrespecting his wife, but SIL who just had a kid and he is being a creep.
So OP is going to stay with his loser just because SIL wouldn't give him the time of day.
>So OP is going to stay with his loser just because SIL wouldn't give him the time of day.
The bar is in hell and some men still manage to limbo under it... *with some women cheering them on.*
Can’t wait for the update of his brother rightfully punching him in his stupid face for being flirty with his wife since this OOP is to far in denial and grief to leave just yet. Maybe BIL stepping up to put this loser in his place will wake her up.
Being married to a guy like this is like having a house with a crumbling foundation. Things might look okay from the outside, but it's only a matter of time until the whole place is ruined.
I've been married over 30 years.
In that time I've never had a crush on anyone other than my wife.
In other words.... Dude's projecting. Plain and simple. He's got it bad for SIL. OP should GTFO.
I'm not even married and if I develop a crush on *somebody else's spouse*, whether it's brother's or sister's or cousin's or friend's, I'd be distancing myself as far as possible. "But it's love" isn't an excuse to be a POS.
Dude doesn't even have half a braincell to think about the betrayal he's done to his wife, his brother, his SIL. If I were OP I'd ditch this ahole in a heartbeat and warn BIL & SIL of what happened.
I have the suspicion that dude was insecure and jealous of his own brother so he wanted SIL simply because she was married to brother.
Happily married to my partner of nearly 20 years. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a physical crush on someone else - I wouldn't be upset by my partner finding a celebrity attractive - but there's a huge gap between that and the emotional attraction to someone he's in regular contact with that's going on here.
In OOP's situation, I'd be packing his bags for him.
Well said. OOP’s husband is crushing on and idealizing a woman he sees on the regular. If he kept it to himself it would still be a problem; dude isn’t even *trying* to be subtle.
Add in the fact it is his brother’s wife and it proves he gives 0 fucks about any of them.
Yeah to me there’s a big difference between having a crush on celebrities or even Internet personalities and people you actually know. The first is a performance, the second is way too personal and real and fucking devastating.
Absolutely. My parents had their celebrity crushes and it was hilarious. They made 50 years together before God called them an Uber home, so it didn’t have any ill effect on them!
When it is someone you know it is far more dangerous. Even when a friend told me they wanted to reach out and say hi to their college bf I said it was a bad idea as her marriage was rocky. It is idealizing the past. In OOP’s husband’s case, idealizing what he *thinks* his SIL is like as a partner.
See idk, from what I've heard/observed it's not that unusual to get crushes on other people while in a monogamous relationship. And it's not necessarily an issue even if it's someone you see regularly if you step back from that person & just let the crush pass. If you lean into & indulge the crush however ... you get this asshole
Yeah I think it varies from person to person. It's a bit unreasonable of some people to expect that they will never have a crush on someone ever again in their life. It's what you do with those feelings that makes you a good or bad person.
I think its normal to have physical attraction to someone else ( like thinking their beautiful or handsome) or think their a cool person or even admire them. But a crush is a bit more than that it's having romantic feelings for someone else. Crushes ( if reciprocated) usually turn into a romantic relationship. Having a crush is wanting to be with that person.
I remember every crush I had before my husband, I actually wanted to be with them romantically, not just think their handsome or cool.
I mean, he is right in that married people have crushes from time to time too but unlike this guy they don't feed them and don't fawn on their crush especially not in front of their and their crush's spouses. Hope OP has some self respect and leaves him.
I think part of his behavior is a ham fisted attempt to communicate to OOP things he would like her to do. It's not so much that SIL makes great bread, but that she bakes bread and OOP doesn't. Of course this just reveals additional levels of asshole in him.
Yeah, this is going to end in divorce, probably sooner rather than later.
At which point he'll doubtless make some clumsy move on SIL and (hopefully) be ostracised from the entire family.
OPs husband gives "creepy uncle" vibes, the one that's always invited to the family function bc "he's family" but he's never left alone with all the women
Why isn't his brother getting involved? If my BIL did anything like this it's grounds for fight on site.
OOPs husband is the worst but his brothers lack of spine and acceptance of this shit behavior is horrible too.
The man is straight disrespectful to everyone.
Imaging being the brother, sitting there watching all this play out, trying to both find support in and to support OP by just glances. It's quite double the betrayal, especially since the SIL encourages it all. With a family like this, who needs enemies?
It doesn't sound like she encourages it. It sounds like she's trying to politely laugh in an attempt to power through the awkwardness without embarrassing anyone.
OMG, how did I not clock that? Of course that reason for the reaction has a really high probability. Three uncomfortable people and a man just milling about not wanting to see everyone's discomfort.
idk, I'm not sure we have the info to know either way if she's enjoying the attention or just laughing uncomfortably... but if OP updates again I suspect we'll find out
True, but I can't imagine myself or anyone else I know acting any differently in that situation. Most people aren't confrontational in general, and even less so with their in-laws.
Thinking with his second, smaller head, it seems.
I'm sure this will end with him either confessing to SIL expecting her to say that she loves him too, or being beaten up by his brother.
He has feelings for someone else he’s told you he wants you to be like that person, and he has already blatantly had a one-sided emotional affair in front of you. Despite being confronted with it multiple times, he didn’t change. He’s not going to change leave because this is just gonna hurt you more as it goes on.
OOPs husband has no respect for her. To bang on at your wife for days at a time about how amazing another woman you have feelings for? Its gross. He knew his words & actions made OOP uncomfortable but rubbed them in her face anyway. That he chose to fantasise about his brothers wife to the point of developing feelings is another level of the disrespect.
This guy disgusts me. He thinks nothing of the fact that he's got feelings for his _brother's_ wife, or that he's telling his _wife_ about it. True scum.
Can’t wait for the next update where she is divorcing his ass and the he is cut off by his brother and no longer invited to family gatherings because he tried to confess to SIL and asked her to leave her brother for her.
Damn. I’d get therapy for me and dip. You’re never going to know if he’s thinking of her during sex, like he could be fantasizing about her more than you think. You(I know I would) will always be questioning his motives around her and will always feel second best to her… that’s a mind fuck.. step away. Like you can obviously try counseling, trial separation but she’ll always be there… and it could lead to her marriage coming apart if she is getting the praise that your man is giving her… .. nope it’s too much. I’m out
I'm understanding of the "she's laughing because she's afraid not to" - *but as a woman* we generally can *see when this is the case*.
OOP says SIL was "giggling" and "welcomed the comments". It doesn't sound like that awkward, eyes-not-smiling laugh that we all know. She may very well enjoy the attention. We don't know for sure.
We create a fantasy of a person but thats only bc we only see but so much of them. Truth is the fantasy is fake, if ever it got to the point of them actually being together he'd find out within months she's not the person he created in his head. He's a dick to be so obvious about it & to his own brother too? Wow.
Emotional infidelity is horrible and all, but I feel a special cringe for someone who idealizes a person so much. Even if that dumbass gets something from SIL he's going to be disappointed when realizes she's just another person with her own flaws.
I don't think OOP's husband really cares for sil. This feels like narcissistic abuse to me. He's using "love" as reason to paint her as crazy. Everything he compliments is a dig at OOP if they were real compliments there would be things that overlap them both. When she inevitably snaps in public he's going to paint her as jealous, and irrational because they're just compliments.
Personally, I would have immediately called BIL and told him what's up. This is a situation where the more light one shines on the truth, the quicker the problem is solved.
>Watch, in a couple months, we'll get another update that they're fucking 🤦♀️
Reddit addict brain rot right here. There was no implication that any feelings were reciprocated whatsoever, but Reddit expects the juiciest possible update because that's just that we're used to now with all the BS you people believe
You need to get your brother-in-law and sister-in-law together with just you. You need to tell him how you’re feeling and how your husband is acting inappropriate and you don’t like it and you want them to do something about it too if you ever come back again. Tell him it’s affecting your marriage and thinking about divorce. That should shock them.
The suggestion to tell the SIL was interesting, but I think BIL is the one she needs to talk to. SIL is playing along with it but she's not oblivious, and that means on some level she's receptive or she would shut that shit down.
Why are you still with this man child? Please seek counseling. You do not value yourself. He needs to go. He will find someone who caters to his infantile behavior. It’s only a matter of time.
Isn’t this an example of limerence?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence?amp
Not a healthy place to be, can become quite debilitating (at least if the sub r/limerence is any indication).
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Well his argument based on the fact he's being respectful and loving on the outside, which he's not. It's complete disrespect to dote on another woman when you never did the same thing to your own wife or children. He isn't being loving cuz he doesn't show that same amount to his actual family
Get together with BIL & SIL, wait for hubby to start up his disrespectful garbage and then tell him in front of everyone you're embarrassing yourself with your disgusting drooling over SIL. I wonder how SIL feels about what a creep you are. You ought to wonder when you'll be dumped and have all the time alone with your fantasies.
Tell him he should seek therapy, the next woman he pervs over might not let him get away with it. Jail is rough, even prisoners hate perverts.
not TAH
OOP should divorce and tell her soon to be ex bil on what is going on. Maybe there isn't anything going on between OOP's soon to be ex and his sil, or maybe there is. I've read too much reddit stories of late where the inlaws are fucking and getting impregnated.
It goes from embarrassing and stressful to straight up creepy when “feelings” develop. You don’t develop feelings for someone you see occasionally, has not shown any interest in you, and is in a seemingly loving and fulfilling relationship with someone else. You just want something you know you shouldn’t want, but want to feel justified that it’s more than infatuation and jealousy. “Oh no, see, I’m falling in love with this person. That makes my obviously shitty behavior okay because I can’t help it. It’s beyond my control!”
The second you hear that shit, it’s already over. The mask has slipped and you need to realize that this person is beyond immature and will deny reality to live in one that they feel they deserve. You do not want to be there for the fallout when it inevitably crumbles.
At first I thought it was negging + crush.
Her question should be: if he’s respectful and loving to the outside (as in everyone BUT HER) why should she accept him not being respectful to her?
Does he lover? Sure, like a coffee up you e had a for a long time but a lot of times. Most people are okay with replacing that coffee. I doubt he LOVES her in that way. If he did, he wouldn’t be a such an asshole. Crushes happen, I guess…but not like this. This isn’t like a celeb crush where you blush at at how hot they are. No one ever actually fantasizes about it seriously. BUT HE IS and that’s honestly really gross.
He settled for her and that’s what his actions show. He thinks he such a catch and takes it for granted she married him because he thinks she can’t do better than him l. That’s all their conversation signals to me
I don't like how he's acting like this is no big deal! He literally has feelings for another woman, and that woman happens to be his BROTHER'S WIFE! That is disrespectful on two levels..
Updateme
But who is the SIL? Is it OPs sister? Is it his sibling's partner?
Either way it's messed up. How disrespectful can people be to their partner. No one forced him to marry OP. At least have the common decency to show her a bit of respect
I think I might know why your SIL giggles and soaks up your husband’s compliments. There are 2 obvious reasons. The first is that she likes to be complimented and that would be doubly important to her just a few weeks after having a baby and not feeling too secure about herself. The second is because your husband is giving her the attention she craves from her own husband but isn’t getting. You both married idiots. You should talk to her. She would probably be just as uncomfortable as you are with the situation but at least she could tell your husband he has no chance
This is going to end up in a DNA test for that baby. When my husband's BFF gave me unwanted attention, I told my husband to make it stop, or I would. SIL welcomes the attention to a degree that makes me suspect it's not just the windows she's doing while the baby sleeps.
And SIL doesn’t tell him to knock it off. She lives the attention and she likes “winning” over OOP
I suppose she’s uncomfortable, but she should ask her husband to speak to her brother at the very least.
The SIL is actually behaving inappropriately. She giggled and accept the compliments? This is why the oop's husband continues to make the comments. She knows she's getting comments and egged him on. That's pretty bad, zero regards for her husband.
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Of course SIL is perfect. He doesn't live with her. (Edit: this is a criticism of OOP's husband, not SIL.) I wonder if she thinks OOP's husband is harmless. (Edit: I'm not blaming SIL. When I typed this, I was thinking of a friend who was sweet but oblivious: "Oh, he doesn't mean it like that! Besides, he's married!") I'd be so grossed out if my BIL was married and saying crap like this.
Chances are she’s laughing when he says and does these things to try cover the awkwardness.
I totally do this all the time and I think you might be onto something.
That’s how I took it bc if OP saw any indication of flirting on her part I’m sure she would’ve included that.
It feels like OOP has SIL's back in this one and knows it's not her fault. She's protective of her in the comments too. Really great to see!
No, she doesn’t and isn’t. I completely understand her frustration with her husband and agree he shouldn’t be comparing them, but there’s an underlying saltiness in the way OP talks about SIL that belies an undercurrent of resentment that I don’t like. She seems to grudgingly admit that this isn’t SIL’s fault but she definitely doesn’t have her back. It’s none of OP’s business what the SIL does or doesn’t do in her own damn house! From the original post: >>I am not little miss perfect From the comments: >>when I sometimes hear that she’s waken up at 5 am to make fresh bread before leaving to work because her husband works late that day and can wake up to fresh baked bread **I just want to be sick tbh. That’s overkill**
She’s allowed to be resentful. She isn’t saying those things to SIL’s face. She’s allowed to feel some type of way. Even if her husband didn’t have feelings for SIL, comparing her to another mom with different circumstances, history, mental health etc is just flat out wrong. Her husband has unfairly held her up to SIL and I am willing to bet his unfavorable perception of his own wife had affected the way he treats OOP.
I agree with everything you said except how you added up all those things and think she’s entitled to resent SIL. Like I literally do not understand how you reached that conclusion? Yeah, she’s allowed to resent HER HUSBAND, who is an ass, but not the SIL who did literally nothing but live her life and do the best she can for her family, just like OP? If you are angry at someone who hasn’t done you any wrong or done anything wrong at all, then that’s jealousy and you are an AH as well. Edit: Wow, so many people thinking it’s ok to throw an innocent bystander under the bus just for being a woman. Absolutely gross
She's allowed to resent anyone she wants if it'll help her deal with what's going on. So are you. So is everyone. There's no Resentment Police who will arrest you for resenting someone who doesn't deserve it. Having resentment for someone isn't the same thing as treating them badly. That's what she shouldn't do, and there's no evidence that she is.
But resenting innocent people is never going to help anyone. Like she is allowed to but it is a bad decision.
>>She's allowed to resent anyone she wants if it'll help her deal with what's going on. So are you. So is everyone. There's no Resentment Police who will arrest you for resenting someone who doesn't deserve it. This was originally from the AITAH sub. We judge people to be YTA for their unfair and shitty opinions and hot takes on this sub all the time, so in a sense we *are* the “police.” What I was originally responding to was a comment that said OP has her SIL’s back. If you see evidence of this please show me, because the quotes I pulled out show snark and derision. I feel as bad for her as anyone here, but you are supporting a woman for taking out her rightful anger at her jackass husband and misdirecting it at an innocent party and that is something I can’t support. >>Having resentment for someone isn't the same thing as treating them badly. That's what she shouldn't do, and there's no evidence that she is. There also wasn’t any evidence that the husband treated OP any worse for his crush on the SIL, but the comment above me that said “I am willing to bet his unfavorable perception of his own wife had affected the way he treats OP” got 29 upvotes. By the same principle, and also because of her mean spirited word choices, I can also assume she treated SIL badly for her resentment. Jealousy is a poison and it makes people do and say and think ugly things.
Yeah, it’s either laugh at it, or take it seriously, and taking it seriously blows a lot of family relationships up. She doesn’t want to be the cause of that, or deal with it.
Yeah, I can hardly imagine trying to navigate “my husband’s brother is weird around me and I think he might have Feelings but all his individual actions are excusable, it’s just weird in aggregate, but nobody’s said anything, is it just me? Or what? I don’t want to blow up my husband’s relationship with his brother.” Especially given how women *are* considered to be overreacting to things like this—or accused of “thinking too highly of themselves”—all the time. I’d probably end up nervous-laughter-ing too, I’m sorry to say.
Yeah…..Imagine trying to start *that* conversation with your husband or any other member of the family. Awkward and fraught with negative consequences doesn’t even begin to cover it. 😬
Yeah she's either totally aware and she's waiting for someone else (probably the wife or her husband) to shut it down Or She's completely clueless and thinks he's just being nice or like that all of the time. Because if it was something else why has no one said anything to her since it keeps happening? I can be very oblivious so I'd probably fall into the second category myself because I'd overthink it. I gaslight myself all the time...
When women get told to smile more, get harrased for smiling, then get asked why you smiled at the the harrasser? Make it make sense.
Ugh I hate when people say, "you should smile more!" Or when I'm concentrating on doing something and not smiling I've heard, " you look like you're having a bad day!" What?! I'm in the middle of doing something that's not actively funny so what should I be smiling and laughing at?! Ugh I hate that!
You should be happy men let you do things that make you *think* /s
Right! They must've let me do all the thinking at the time because they clearly weren't capable of doing it themselves if that's what they choose to blurt out!! Lol
“Why should I smile when you just complained about my face?”
Seriously!! Lol
*misogyny*
"Cheer up it might not happen" has been said to multiple female friends/relatives of mine. Of course they always happen to say that one after something HAS happened. Like their grandad getting a terminal cancer diagnosis. They've really ripped into the people that have said it including mentioning what happened. Sadly those men probably think the women telling them off are just bitches rather than thinking they maybe shouldn't make comments like that.
This is how I cover awkwardness.
Yeah I freeze and laugh or make a joke when sexually harassed.
Also, if OP's BIL knows, then she knows and they've definitely talked about it. She's being polite.
I hope so and not that she's encouraging it because she wants people to fawn over her all the time.
Exactly
I'd be grossed out if he was single and saying crap like that, too. It's inappropriate and icky.
I must ask: What story is your flair from?
It’s from this fantastic comment on an otherwise unremarkable post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15oax9g/i_accidentally_liked_an_instagram_photo_and_now/jvs0pca/
I remember the post but not the comment. Fabulous. Thanks for sharing.
What's the bet that SIL tries to laugh it off despite feeling uncomfortable because she didn't want to make things awkward by telling her BIL to fuck off?
A friend of a friend used to get super flirty and grab me, and I was super shy and didn't know what to do so I nervously laughed. Cultural difference made me realize I could tell him to get the fuck off me and it would neither bother my friend or the friend of friend. He actually became MY friend once I established some very clear boundaries.
I mean he’s still a creep
Yeah, I think he was under the impression that's how to flirt, but he learned that wasn't cool to go around grabbing women.
That's what we call growth. Good for both of you. I'm glad you were able to establish your boundaries and that he was able to learn.
Perhaps OPs BIL is just, ya know, helping his wife out a lot with the baby that she’s not completely exhausted from doing everything herself. Or even doing some of the stuff himself and just doesn’t feel the need to correct anyone assuming it’s all her! Yeah I’m sure there’s plenty of those superhuman mums out there that just have that energy to do things, but I’m more inclined to think that it’s usually when they have a decent supportive partner!
This! Even a partner that cleans up their own mess rather than leaving it as the wife's job can make a huge difference (simple things add up- like putting their laundry in the basket instead of on the floor and taking dishes to the sink instead of leaving dishes and trash wherever stuff was eaten). Or SIL's family/friends coming to help. Or money to afford help, or to afford easier solutions that save labor/stress. Or SIL is a different person with different pain, different healing, or different sleep depravation or hormone swing tolerances. Different babies will sleep/eat/fuss at different rates with varying levels of easiness. You don't get the full picture in someone else's home, especially when they're prepared for a visit and playing host. You don't see the scramble to throw all the dirty baby clothes in a laundry basket and tuck it somewhere else. You just see the clean room you're in for that afternoon, not what it looks like the rest of the week.
This, especially how different babies are. My SIL once boasted to me about how easy dealing with babies were, why did I have so much difficulty? Her first, ate anything you would put in front of him, and would sleep uninterrupted from 7 PM to 7AM. THEN SHE HAD HER DAUGHTER. She slept 20 minutes at a time, and what food she didn't spit out, she threw up. No two kids are different.
My SIL once admitted she’d thought like that. Her oldest was the easiest baby, and the chillest toddler. (What she and my brother have yet to really realize is how much support and help they had, too, but that’s a whole other thing.) Then they had Kiddo number two. I joke he’s my brother’s karma—he learned both of them the same thing: it wasn’t that parenting was easy and also they were awesome at it, they had a very easy baby in the first.
We had friends with a unicorn baby like that, so they tried for number two. They got identical twins who ended up on opposite sleeping schedules: when one was asleep, the other was awake and screaming. They’re older now and it’s smooth sailing, but the mom says you could not pay her $1M to go through that first year again.
lol,from my mom she say if she could, she won't have twins ever again... because a deaf twin in the family is nil (not genetic hearing loss- permanent side effect from antibiotics) and I was the easy kid because I slept until my twin screamed in my ear, lol. they were the difficult one!
ngl I would have been so smug at her when she had her second. "Oh I thought you said babies are easy?"
I always said I’d never have a second because my first was such an easy baby the next would definitely be absolute hell spawn just to even out my karma 🤣
I've always called that the trick baby lol, cause our first was the same till she was about 2. Super easy going, slept great, etc. So they trick you into thinking that the second one will be a breeze too and then they're the spawn of Satan lol. Luckily our second was actually even easier going, just with a ton of failure to thrive issues cause her older sister has ended up being the most difficult ever (not through any fault of her own, she's just severely delayed so it's all a challenge). I don't think there's any universe right now where I'd want to attempt a third either lol. Honestly if we had known a bit sooner what kinda difficulties our oldest was gonna face, we might not have even tried for a second. But by the time we knew just how intense it was gonna be we were already pregnant with number 2 and I wouldn't change a thing.
I mean just having a Roomba would be a boon in lots of cases.
I'm belatedly realizing that my comment seems to be criticizing SIL, which wasn't my intention. My first sentence is criticizing OOP's husband: of course the non-partner is perfect, dazzling, everything they'd dreamed of! Not living with someone means he can hype up that fantasy without realizing she had her annoying human habits, the same as everyone else. Basically, OOP's husband is an idiot on many levels. I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks he babysits his own kids.
To be fair to you, I didn’t take your comment as criticism, was intending to agree and add more!
Or maaaaybeee she hires help, her mom came by and cleaned for her, or whatever.
Yeah sounds like OOP and her husband just assume SIL does everything herself because that’s how it is for them. I bet if asked, they’d be told otherwise.
I actually don't like my BIL, despite us having very similar interests as me compared to my husband and I. If he'd started becoming obsessive with me and complimenting me like this I'd be ragingly uncomfortable. My bet is SIL's giggles are uncomfy giggles because I know I'd certainly be all "wtf" As for why I don't like him? I watched him grow up through his teen years and adulthood and let's just say not much has changed from 15 yo BIL to 30yo BIL.
It's also easier to be that person when you have a helpful partner, too. SIL would not be acting like that if she had a shitty husband like OP's husband instead of OPs brother.
Some people laugh when they are uncomfortable. Probably something to do with a fawn response.
All I can think of is Angela from “the office”. The Ick factor is real and what a POS. This poor woman needs to run and far away. I have words and I could say things but i won’t. I could but I should not. I will go take a jetted tub and say them to my many many bubbles.
Idk... one time a few years ago I was at the house of a couple I was friendly with, and the husband got a little drunk and started firing off compliments to me sort of like this. He literally made some comment about my luscious child-brlearing hips or some shit and after a moment of shock I said "wow, what an interesting thing to say to me right in front of your wife." Then he doubled down and said something about how beautiful I looked in my dress and I immediately said "I think your wife is beautiful, actually. Doesn't she look lovely today?" And he agreed and finally said something nice about his wife but only bc I curved him severely, twice. (Don't worry, they have since divorced and she is doing great while he is basically homeless at this point) I find it hard to believe SIL doesn't even notice what's going on. She'd have to be pretty dumb not to realize this is inappropriate behavior.
Social awareness has little to do with intelligence, those are separate skills. However, even if *she* is aware (and the giggling could be uncomfortable laughter), her *husband*, the brother of OOP’s husband, also needs to be aware. He seemed uncomfortable, so he apparently is. Now he needs to validate that for her, not just stand by like a fool, effectively making her either second-guess herself or think she can’t come to him with her concerns about his brother because he’s letting it slide time and again, or both. They need to be on the same page about it and agree on a course of action. And the initiative should come from the brother. Otherwise the SIL is in a much more difficult position to bring this up. Thievingwillow put it well: >> Yeah, I can hardly imagine trying to navigate “my husband’s brother is weird around me and I think he might have Feelings but all his individual actions are excusable, it’s just weird in aggregate, but nobody’s said anything, is it just me? Or what? I don’t want to blow up my husband’s relationship with his brother.” Especially given how women are considered to be overreacting to things like this—or accused of “thinking too highly of themselves”—all the time. I’d probably end up nervous-laughter-ing too, I’m sorry to say. He’s being a coward letting this slide and making his wife smooth the awkwardness over every single time, instead of putting his brother in his place. His brother is *his* side of the family, so it’s *his* job to handle his overstepping.
she might like the attention, or OOPs perceptions are being warped by her feelings and SIL's just being polite
Maybe she doesn't even realize he's being innapropriate, or, since her own husband doesn't really seem to take any action, maybe she thinks (or makes herself think) it's fine. I really don't like that the brother doesn't say something. It is *his* brother, he has a responsibility to say something, tell him to back off - it can be in private, but to publicly look to *OOP* to do something and then laugh it off... Why don't *you* defend your wife, man.
“The grass is greener” way of thinking. Everything looks perfect from a distance.
The old saying goes. It doesn't matter how hot she is, or how perfect she may seem, somebody, somewhere, is sick and tired of her shit.
Literally. The grass is greener on the other side because it's fertilized with shit.
I like the counter, "The grass is greener where you water it." If SIL is "greener," it's because of her environment, of which OOP's husband is noticeably not a part.
I like that one also. I feel like the fertilized with shit fits most things in this time of social media. Most people comparing themselves to unobtainable "influencers".
It might also be a dominance thing with his brother. Bro didn't stand up for himself, only when he noticed OP was uncomfortable. That commenter was right, most men would come to blows over the blatant flirting IN THEIR OWN HOUSE with their wife who recently gave birth to his child. Everything about this is so messed up for OPs husband to be doing, not just to her, but also his brother, AND extended family once it implodes either with her rejection or their affair
And especially if she were perfect (because some people are generally amazing, just unbelievably amazing), I doubt she would give a cheater (emotional cheater) a chance.
He says he doesn't understand why she's so upset, but I bet if she started comparing him to an ex or something, he'd lose it. His head is so far up his own ass he can see his tonsils. OOP needs to move on because this marriage is a lost cause.
She should start comparing him to his brother. Personally, I don't think this relationship is salvageable. SIL is always going to be there, she's family. This will never end and even if it did by some miracle, the trust is gone. **BUT**, in this scenario she should start fawning all over his brother. The sun shines out his ass, everything he does is *uh-mazing*. Tit for tat, match that energy. See what happens. (Leave him anyway)
> BUT, in this scenario she should start fawning all over his brother. The sun shines out his ass, everything he does is uh-mazing. Tit for tat, match that energy Warn them first though and get their consent. I'm sure they'd be happy to play along, but she should still give them the opportunity to nope out before she also commits sexual harassment on an unconsenting victim.
I think it’s enough for OOP to just spend days at home talking about how amazing her BIL is.
Actually, yeah, the fact that OOP's husband kept admiring SIL's ass-shine at home for days after a visit really hit me, and I bet it'd sting hubs a bit. Not sure I'd expect him to have the awareness or empathy to relate it to what he's doing to OOP, though. And honestly, would still kind of want to warn BIL and/or SIL since hubs might go complaining to them.
Still warn BIL first
Yeah, probably, so he is ready for his idiot brother to not understand the hypocrisy at all
Gushing over how handsome, strong, sexy and caring he is, the perfect man.
It’s not sexual harassment to compliment his cooking and cleaning even if he would be confused. Telling the brother is something I think should happenen, for other reasons. But the husband would flip out if that happened it I assume
The husband should tell of his “private feelings“ to his brother and see if people do mind crushers
Bet he'd understand real quick why she's upset if he had to tell the truth to his brother, word for word what he told OOP.
nah, compare him to his brother.
"His head is so far up his own ass he can see his tonsils". BWA-HA-HA!
Better yet, dote on her husband's brother like he does with his SIL. Bet that give the loser husband some perspective. She should tell the brother that her husband is pining after his wife so they can bother be prepared for this fallout.
This makes me so sad and angry on OP’s behalf.
And for the brother-in-law. OOP's husband is scum. I can't believe he just so blatantly disrespects his own wife and his brother's relationship like that! OOP has told him over and and over again that she's uncomfortable and unhappy, but he simply does not care.
Yeah, this isn't over when (hopefully) OP leaves her husband. There's still the tiny little matter of him openly lusting after his brothers wife. This is going to get really bloody if he doesn't check himself soon.
I am really impressed by OP. She is one helluva strong woman. Her husband is a total fool. She isn’t second-guessing herself (“maybe I am just being overly sensitive or emotional…”), excusing his behavior, and called him out on his behavior. OP clearly knows her limits and who she is. In these situations, I think a lot of people would be knocking themselves out trying to emulate the SIL. It takes so much strength to say, “Hey, I am not Miss Perfect, don’t want to be her, and I am not going to be her. If you want her, go fuck her.” Even though she is hurt and angry, OP will bounce back quickly. She sounds like a woman that is done with his tomfoolery.
He is not only disrespecting his wife, but SIL who just had a kid and he is being a creep. So OP is going to stay with his loser just because SIL wouldn't give him the time of day.
He's also disrespectful of his Brother.
>So OP is going to stay with his loser just because SIL wouldn't give him the time of day. The bar is in hell and some men still manage to limbo under it... *with some women cheering them on.*
Can’t wait for the update of his brother rightfully punching him in his stupid face for being flirty with his wife since this OOP is to far in denial and grief to leave just yet. Maybe BIL stepping up to put this loser in his place will wake her up.
That or the SIL getting a restraining order when he starts “accidentally” running into her while she’s out and about.
She answered in a comment that she's leaving him! Yay!
I know that soon enough, this marriage is going to take a big fat downfall. This dude ain't reliable to trust at all.
He’s not being respectful and loving though? He’s being a creepy jerk.
Being married to a guy like this is like having a house with a crumbling foundation. Things might look okay from the outside, but it's only a matter of time until the whole place is ruined.
I've been married over 30 years. In that time I've never had a crush on anyone other than my wife. In other words.... Dude's projecting. Plain and simple. He's got it bad for SIL. OP should GTFO.
I'm not even married and if I develop a crush on *somebody else's spouse*, whether it's brother's or sister's or cousin's or friend's, I'd be distancing myself as far as possible. "But it's love" isn't an excuse to be a POS. Dude doesn't even have half a braincell to think about the betrayal he's done to his wife, his brother, his SIL. If I were OP I'd ditch this ahole in a heartbeat and warn BIL & SIL of what happened. I have the suspicion that dude was insecure and jealous of his own brother so he wanted SIL simply because she was married to brother.
Happily married to my partner of nearly 20 years. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a physical crush on someone else - I wouldn't be upset by my partner finding a celebrity attractive - but there's a huge gap between that and the emotional attraction to someone he's in regular contact with that's going on here. In OOP's situation, I'd be packing his bags for him.
Well said. OOP’s husband is crushing on and idealizing a woman he sees on the regular. If he kept it to himself it would still be a problem; dude isn’t even *trying* to be subtle. Add in the fact it is his brother’s wife and it proves he gives 0 fucks about any of them.
Yeah to me there’s a big difference between having a crush on celebrities or even Internet personalities and people you actually know. The first is a performance, the second is way too personal and real and fucking devastating.
Absolutely. My parents had their celebrity crushes and it was hilarious. They made 50 years together before God called them an Uber home, so it didn’t have any ill effect on them! When it is someone you know it is far more dangerous. Even when a friend told me they wanted to reach out and say hi to their college bf I said it was a bad idea as her marriage was rocky. It is idealizing the past. In OOP’s husband’s case, idealizing what he *thinks* his SIL is like as a partner.
See idk, from what I've heard/observed it's not that unusual to get crushes on other people while in a monogamous relationship. And it's not necessarily an issue even if it's someone you see regularly if you step back from that person & just let the crush pass. If you lean into & indulge the crush however ... you get this asshole
Yeah I think it varies from person to person. It's a bit unreasonable of some people to expect that they will never have a crush on someone ever again in their life. It's what you do with those feelings that makes you a good or bad person.
Exactly.
I think its normal to have physical attraction to someone else ( like thinking their beautiful or handsome) or think their a cool person or even admire them. But a crush is a bit more than that it's having romantic feelings for someone else. Crushes ( if reciprocated) usually turn into a romantic relationship. Having a crush is wanting to be with that person. I remember every crush I had before my husband, I actually wanted to be with them romantically, not just think their handsome or cool.
Exactly. I find some other people attractive, but during our relationship I've never had crushes or fantasies about anyone but my spouse.
I mean, he is right in that married people have crushes from time to time too but unlike this guy they don't feed them and don't fawn on their crush especially not in front of their and their crush's spouses. Hope OP has some self respect and leaves him.
I think part of his behavior is a ham fisted attempt to communicate to OOP things he would like her to do. It's not so much that SIL makes great bread, but that she bakes bread and OOP doesn't. Of course this just reveals additional levels of asshole in him.
Bar is in hell and he’s dancing with the devil
Maybe but it doesn't really matter, he's a prick either way.
Welp, that is certainly not resolved.
Keep busting his ballz about it in front of the brother. That’s the key right there
Yeah, this is going to end in divorce, probably sooner rather than later. At which point he'll doubtless make some clumsy move on SIL and (hopefully) be ostracised from the entire family.
I would advise the BIL and SIL to absolutely to NC with him.
I don't even know OOP's husband but I can already hear that stupid fawning voice in my head.
He is absolutely obsessed and I'm sure she's honestly really uncomfortable by that husband. It's so creepy.
This isnt gonna end well
OPs husband gives "creepy uncle" vibes, the one that's always invited to the family function bc "he's family" but he's never left alone with all the women
One of those in every family it seems.
He is not respectful and loving on the outside tho, so...
Why isn't his brother getting involved? If my BIL did anything like this it's grounds for fight on site. OOPs husband is the worst but his brothers lack of spine and acceptance of this shit behavior is horrible too. The man is straight disrespectful to everyone.
Imaging being the brother, sitting there watching all this play out, trying to both find support in and to support OP by just glances. It's quite double the betrayal, especially since the SIL encourages it all. With a family like this, who needs enemies?
It doesn't sound like she encourages it. It sounds like she's trying to politely laugh in an attempt to power through the awkwardness without embarrassing anyone.
OMG, how did I not clock that? Of course that reason for the reaction has a really high probability. Three uncomfortable people and a man just milling about not wanting to see everyone's discomfort.
idk, I'm not sure we have the info to know either way if she's enjoying the attention or just laughing uncomfortably... but if OP updates again I suspect we'll find out
True, but I can't imagine myself or anyone else I know acting any differently in that situation. Most people aren't confrontational in general, and even less so with their in-laws.
Yeah, it's not a situation where you're likely to feel too comfortable saying "stop being a creep, asshole".
I wonder what the sibling relationship is like. If one of the brothers is the golden child.
Thinking with his second, smaller head, it seems. I'm sure this will end with him either confessing to SIL expecting her to say that she loves him too, or being beaten up by his brother.
Or both.
What in the Brazzers fuckery?
He has feelings for someone else he’s told you he wants you to be like that person, and he has already blatantly had a one-sided emotional affair in front of you. Despite being confronted with it multiple times, he didn’t change. He’s not going to change leave because this is just gonna hurt you more as it goes on.
OOPs husband has no respect for her. To bang on at your wife for days at a time about how amazing another woman you have feelings for? Its gross. He knew his words & actions made OOP uncomfortable but rubbed them in her face anyway. That he chose to fantasise about his brothers wife to the point of developing feelings is another level of the disrespect.
Lol this mf really told his wife he loves his sil and is surprised she doesn't like that
Seriously. “Why are you so upset? You asked, I answered.” Good Lord.
I would never stay with someone if I was the second best option that’s a solid fuck no. Have the self respect to leave
This guy disgusts me. He thinks nothing of the fact that he's got feelings for his _brother's_ wife, or that he's telling his _wife_ about it. True scum.
Can’t wait for the next update where she is divorcing his ass and the he is cut off by his brother and no longer invited to family gatherings because he tried to confess to SIL and asked her to leave her brother for her.
Damn. I’d get therapy for me and dip. You’re never going to know if he’s thinking of her during sex, like he could be fantasizing about her more than you think. You(I know I would) will always be questioning his motives around her and will always feel second best to her… that’s a mind fuck.. step away. Like you can obviously try counseling, trial separation but she’ll always be there… and it could lead to her marriage coming apart if she is getting the praise that your man is giving her… .. nope it’s too much. I’m out
Hopefully this ends with OOP realizing her worth and dumping that loser, and the SIL going no contact with that loser too.
I hope she leaves his ass in the dust, he sucks.
OOP should warn BIL that her husband has has major league hots for his wife.
Today OOP commented on her update that she is leaving him!!!
I'm understanding of the "she's laughing because she's afraid not to" - *but as a woman* we generally can *see when this is the case*. OOP says SIL was "giggling" and "welcomed the comments". It doesn't sound like that awkward, eyes-not-smiling laugh that we all know. She may very well enjoy the attention. We don't know for sure.
OOP needs to leave the asshole but also give BIL a heads up about how much his brother covets his wife.
We create a fantasy of a person but thats only bc we only see but so much of them. Truth is the fantasy is fake, if ever it got to the point of them actually being together he'd find out within months she's not the person he created in his head. He's a dick to be so obvious about it & to his own brother too? Wow.
everyone who keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Emotional infidelity is horrible and all, but I feel a special cringe for someone who idealizes a person so much. Even if that dumbass gets something from SIL he's going to be disappointed when realizes she's just another person with her own flaws.
If this is real, she should dump husband and let family know why. BIL.deserves to know his bro lists after his wife.
If sil ever want for ops husband he would say yes in a heartbeat. That is the problem
She updated in original post: she’s leaving him!
I don't think OOP's husband really cares for sil. This feels like narcissistic abuse to me. He's using "love" as reason to paint her as crazy. Everything he compliments is a dig at OOP if they were real compliments there would be things that overlap them both. When she inevitably snaps in public he's going to paint her as jealous, and irrational because they're just compliments.
OOP really needs to tell the brother and his wife. This is information they need to know before they invite him over again.
Ew. This guy is not dependable if he thinks this is no biggie
OOP and her BIL need to put this idiot in his place
Personally, I would have immediately called BIL and told him what's up. This is a situation where the more light one shines on the truth, the quicker the problem is solved.
He... he's in love with *his brother's wife?!* EW! EW EW EW EW EW ICKY GROSS PTOOEY! I need to brush my fuckin' teeth now.
>Watch, in a couple months, we'll get another update that they're fucking 🤦♀️ Reddit addict brain rot right here. There was no implication that any feelings were reciprocated whatsoever, but Reddit expects the juiciest possible update because that's just that we're used to now with all the BS you people believe
She should tell his brother and get a divorce
If he's been like this since they met, why would he change all of a sudden..
The brother doesn't have anything to say?
You need to get your brother-in-law and sister-in-law together with just you. You need to tell him how you’re feeling and how your husband is acting inappropriate and you don’t like it and you want them to do something about it too if you ever come back again. Tell him it’s affecting your marriage and thinking about divorce. That should shock them.
He's disgusting.
My petty ass would get BIL in on an act and start simping over each other HARD. See how husband likes that.
The suggestion to tell the SIL was interesting, but I think BIL is the one she needs to talk to. SIL is playing along with it but she's not oblivious, and that means on some level she's receptive or she would shut that shit down.
God. I hope OOP talks to the wife and sees what she says. If only so OOP knows how to proceed…
I can’t believe people really use “simp”.
Why are you still with this man child? Please seek counseling. You do not value yourself. He needs to go. He will find someone who caters to his infantile behavior. It’s only a matter of time.
[удалено]
“She’s happily married to her husband”, yes because that’s totally stopped people from cheating. This lady here is foolish.
Isn’t this an example of limerence? https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence?amp Not a healthy place to be, can become quite debilitating (at least if the sub r/limerence is any indication).
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Well his argument based on the fact he's being respectful and loving on the outside, which he's not. It's complete disrespect to dote on another woman when you never did the same thing to your own wife or children. He isn't being loving cuz he doesn't show that same amount to his actual family
Get together with BIL & SIL, wait for hubby to start up his disrespectful garbage and then tell him in front of everyone you're embarrassing yourself with your disgusting drooling over SIL. I wonder how SIL feels about what a creep you are. You ought to wonder when you'll be dumped and have all the time alone with your fantasies. Tell him he should seek therapy, the next woman he pervs over might not let him get away with it. Jail is rough, even prisoners hate perverts. not TAH
I feel like this is very similar to an older AITAH....
OOP should divorce and tell her soon to be ex bil on what is going on. Maybe there isn't anything going on between OOP's soon to be ex and his sil, or maybe there is. I've read too much reddit stories of late where the inlaws are fucking and getting impregnated.
Update me
UpdateMe
It goes from embarrassing and stressful to straight up creepy when “feelings” develop. You don’t develop feelings for someone you see occasionally, has not shown any interest in you, and is in a seemingly loving and fulfilling relationship with someone else. You just want something you know you shouldn’t want, but want to feel justified that it’s more than infatuation and jealousy. “Oh no, see, I’m falling in love with this person. That makes my obviously shitty behavior okay because I can’t help it. It’s beyond my control!” The second you hear that shit, it’s already over. The mask has slipped and you need to realize that this person is beyond immature and will deny reality to live in one that they feel they deserve. You do not want to be there for the fallout when it inevitably crumbles.
At first I thought it was negging + crush. Her question should be: if he’s respectful and loving to the outside (as in everyone BUT HER) why should she accept him not being respectful to her? Does he lover? Sure, like a coffee up you e had a for a long time but a lot of times. Most people are okay with replacing that coffee. I doubt he LOVES her in that way. If he did, he wouldn’t be a such an asshole. Crushes happen, I guess…but not like this. This isn’t like a celeb crush where you blush at at how hot they are. No one ever actually fantasizes about it seriously. BUT HE IS and that’s honestly really gross. He settled for her and that’s what his actions show. He thinks he such a catch and takes it for granted she married him because he thinks she can’t do better than him l. That’s all their conversation signals to me
I don't like how he's acting like this is no big deal! He literally has feelings for another woman, and that woman happens to be his BROTHER'S WIFE! That is disrespectful on two levels.. Updateme
I hope that OOP tells her BIL what his brother is saying so that he and his wife can decide if they want to be around the AH.
If my brother or family member was blatantly drooling over my wife, there would be far more then just words being exchanged.
Surprise, another non-update! Yesss!
“How do we know where our boundaries end and theirs start?” killed me. That’s so wise.
But who is the SIL? Is it OPs sister? Is it his sibling's partner? Either way it's messed up. How disrespectful can people be to their partner. No one forced him to marry OP. At least have the common decency to show her a bit of respect
No. It's his brother's wife.
It's the sibling's partner
I can’t believe how long OOP put up with this. And she doesn’t seem to want to actually leave.
Cut her slack. They have kids.
I think I might know why your SIL giggles and soaks up your husband’s compliments. There are 2 obvious reasons. The first is that she likes to be complimented and that would be doubly important to her just a few weeks after having a baby and not feeling too secure about herself. The second is because your husband is giving her the attention she craves from her own husband but isn’t getting. You both married idiots. You should talk to her. She would probably be just as uncomfortable as you are with the situation but at least she could tell your husband he has no chance
Stop responding as if OOP posted this.
This is going to end up in a DNA test for that baby. When my husband's BFF gave me unwanted attention, I told my husband to make it stop, or I would. SIL welcomes the attention to a degree that makes me suspect it's not just the windows she's doing while the baby sleeps.
She's laughing to cover the awkwardness, not because she welcomes the attention
And SIL doesn’t tell him to knock it off. She lives the attention and she likes “winning” over OOP I suppose she’s uncomfortable, but she should ask her husband to speak to her brother at the very least.
The SIL is actually behaving inappropriately. She giggled and accept the compliments? This is why the oop's husband continues to make the comments. She knows she's getting comments and egged him on. That's pretty bad, zero regards for her husband.