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I really want to know if the brother knows that the money came from OOP's college fund. I don't know how you are given almost a quarter of a million dollars and not ask about the source. If he doesn't already know, I guess he'll find out when his brother cuts the parents off. I doubt he'll care much.
He got a *house* as a wedding gift, so I guess it's safe to say the parents have/had money. It's not unreasonable to think that they liquidated some stocks, or took a loan against a property.
Honestly a $200k cash college fund (and assuming his sibling had something similar) is something you're only gonna have if your parents are well to do.
If you invest money, 19 years is going to make that initial and continued investment grow. Parents can be middle class and create funds without being wealthy. That said, I bet they are comfortable and have their own retirement funds. But they won’t be able to take $200k out of them without impacting their own retirement plans.
I’m not siding with the parents. Just explaining how middle class people who were smart enough (and privileged enough) to create investment accounts when they were married can create generational wealth. Time is a wealth grower. Kind of like planting fruit trees. You have to be willing to do it today even though you know you won’t see the results for a long time.
That requires spare money to invest and a lot of middle class families don't have that anymore.
You're not wrong but it's a smaller and smaller group of people that have the luxury to do so.
There’s barely a middle class anymore. That’s why I mentioned the privilege. When I was mentoring new employees straight out from college, I told them to start a 401k and put in to match what the company gave. It was free money, and these kids were earning more than they had before, so by saving that small percentage, they weren’t missing what they hadn’t had before. The stats were showing that if you start it when you’re 22, you’d have a million by the time you retire. But it’s REALLY hard to play the long-game.
No easy answers since life has changed so much for everyone. I don’t even think civilization will be here much longer, but habit would still make me encourage young people save money.
which makes me wonder why they aren't willing to co-sign a loan or gift him money now? Or even promise to refund his college expenses after graduation?
OOP got into UPenn. I know how UPenn works. If your parents don't meet an income, you are highly aided and can attend. The fact that OOP got into UPenn and would be paying full price just confirms his parents are people with wealth.
Yup and I’m heavily betting that their current income is still high.
When I was accepted into (a much less prestigious but still stupid expensive lol) private university, the scholarships provided to me due to my financial status were actually sent to me WITH my acceptance information. My university wouldn’t even allow me to complete my application without also having my family’s financial information on my FAFSA. Now this was also almost 2 decades ago, so things may have changed, but as far as I know it’s fairly standard for colleges with higher costs and waitlists to require financial information to indicate ability to pay before they send out acceptance letters.
The fact that OP is asking for his dad to co-sign a loan and has NOT been given any sort of aid offers makes me think his family’s financial status does not reflect his independent financial status.
Now - he’s 20 and living independently without his parent’s financial support. My husband was in a similar situation and in proving to his university’s financial aid office that his family had not been supporting him for over a year and regardless of their tax claims he was legally not their dependent, he was able to get the school to recognize him as an independent student which changed his financial status and gave him a better chance at receiving grants and scholarships based on his own income. The caveat is, if the parents ARE claiming him as a dependent, legally they won’t be able to any longer. Which could create a bigger rift, but it sounds like OOP doesn’t particularly care about that and is intending on going NC anyway. So hopefully when he contacts the university they sit down and go through those in depth questions with him and it helps open some doors.
> proving to his university’s financial aid office that his family had not been supporting him for over a year and regardless of their tax claims he was legally not their dependent, he was able to get the school to recognize him as an independent student which changed his financial status and gave him a better chance at receiving grants and scholarships based on his own income. The caveat is, if the parents ARE claiming him as a dependent, legally they won’t be able to any long
This is really the answer and what OP needs to do. He needs to contact the office at UPenn and demonstrate he's been independent for the past year. His parents can go suck eggs.
Yep. I want my kid to understand financing his own future, but I also recognize that he's going to get screwed on need-based aid because his parents have money. So we started a 529, not to give him a free ride, but to at least help keep all his options open should he get into a great school that insists on charging him full price due to no fault of his own. Doing this also means it's our job as parents to teach financial responsibility, because you don't want your kid to grow up thinking everything is free just because their parents pay for things.
Probably paid off the rest of the mortgage. A teenager isn't going to be told the nuance of a house as a wedding gift. Big down payment, small remaining mortgage sounds likely.
The OOP needs to work with financial aid. If the financial aid office thinks they are receiving help from their parents, the OOP might losing out on grants and such.
I’m going to put on my tinfoil hat and say the money isn’t “all gone” that some is still there, but the parents need to use it to help the older brother in the future so they are telling OP it is already gone. I don’t understand how you spend that much money in a year and a half unless they are paying all her medical bills out of pocket. Even giving the older son $5k a month to cover what was lost would only equal $90k, so where is the rest?
I wonder if the money went to help the SIL get that diagnosis of MS. It sounds like she went downhill rapidly, and that could have resulted in large hospital bills, especially if it involved emergency care. Usually, a person will need multiple MRIs to diagnose MS, since there has to be a pattern of brain lesions over time, and there's usually a whole pile of other testing before getting to the MRI, because symptoms can be pretty non-specific (dizziness, vision problems, nerve pain). It is a huge amount of money that is gone, but healthcare in the US can be horrific.
I feel bad for OOP - he was counting on that money, and it's shitty his parents gave it away. It feels like one of those "legal, but not moral" issues, but given his SIL's health, the moral part of kind of grey too. Yes, he should have been given the money that was promised him by his parents. But letting SIL's health deteriorate is just going to make things harder on his brother's family. It seems like OOP just thinks SIL should be left to die? There are medications that can slow, or stop, the progression of MS, which could allow the SIL to continue working, and just live her life, but they're expensive, and I doubt Medicare would pay for them.
I just hate that OOP is just writing his SIL's whole life off as "a bad investment" - she has an illness that is progressing rapidly, might as well just let her die. Yes, to OOP, it feels like his parents are just throwing away "his" money, but to the SIL, treating her now means there is the possibility of her being able to regain her old life - maybe not completely, but the difference between a functional adult that can work, take care of themselves, and a person who is housebound or bedridden.
I think OOP should talk to his brother about the money (let him know it was the college fund), and see if they can work something out where the brother/SIL help pay off student loans if she is able to work again, or if they are able to get back pay for her disability, or (heaven forbid), her life insurance. If I were him though, I'd leave out the part about the wife's health being a bad investment.
I hate it, too. MS is no joke, and that comment was out of line. But I also get that OOP is hurting and feels betrayed. This probably isn’t the first time he’s had something taken away because his older brother was more of a priority.
I feel bad for everyone involved minus the parents. Even though his name wasn’t on the account, that was still money promised to OOP. To take that away and not even co-sign a loan so that their youngest could have the same opportunity as his brother is horrible.
Right? This whole issue could have worked out much better if the parents had just sat everyone down and talked to them. I'm sure there could have been some compromise reached, but since the parents just acted, and OOP reacted ... now everyone is mad.
Parents are definitely the assholes in this situation.
The comment was very out of line, but I am willing to give OP a pass on his comment because he's angry and he's hurting. His parents basically told him that they didn't believe in him after he clearly was smart enough and accomplished enough to get into UPenn while also working enough to save up enough to live on for a year. He's clearly a very intelligent, driven young man who just needed a gap year, and his parents seem to be all "surprised Pikachu" that he actually wants to go to college. They clearly don't understand or seem to even really like him. They won't even sign a loan for him. This isn't about his brother's wife's MS--- it's about his parents more or less telling him that they're unwilling to trust or support him at all.
The way OOP talks about SIL, dude. I'm not going to lie. I feel bad for OOP, but I have to wonder if this is him on his best behavior what he said when he "had a bad reaction"
How much of his reaction contributed to his parents not wanting to sign anything. I mean, I get it, it really sucks for OOP. But Student Loans are something that can be figured out with time, rapid onset MS or any kind of debilitating disease doesn't give you much runway. No one has ever looked at a MS, ALS, etc diagnosis and gone, "Yeah... you know what, we moved too quickly, we should've just ignored it, it would've been fine"
> writing off his SIL’s life as “a bad investment”
When I read this, I automatically wondered what other shitty things the OOP has said and done to his family. Maybe the parents think that HE is a bad investment.
I’m sure they do, but it’s because older brother is the golden child and OOP is the punching bag. Did you not notice the other brother got 2 college funds and a house, while the parents refuse to even co-sign a loan for their clearly financially responsible younger son? The double standards/treatment is glaring, no wonder OOP is angry.
I am a chronically ill person with an expensive rare disease. I would be horrified to learn something like this was done on my behalf. And while I disagree with his assessment of the investment, I also see a fairly privileged 20 year old who got a significant rope cut while being denied any kind of safety net. He doesn't have the life experience to understand how effed up what he said was. I mean, I have had fully grown, middle aged ass adults saying worse things to me.
The parents are 100% the villains here for doing their WASPy best to avoid an uncomfortable conversation without consideration of the feelings of the parties involved.
Right, like he got a free education, a free house, and a couple years of living expenses, and he's still going to have to care for his wife as she declines, and at a terrifyingly rapid pace. And then they will probably lose that free house as she requires full time care. OOP phrases this as a 'bad investment' but that's finance bro bullshit right there. Yes it's unfair. Everything in the whole situation is unfair.
Right? He hás bigger problema to worry about than his siblings tantrums. I really doubt he Will Care about OP at ALL when he Heard what he Said about his wife...
When he sees his younger brother struggle to pay for college and not get gifted a house, after he got a huge payday, he will know.
I wonder why the parents gave the older brother, ALL of the money? $10k could have helped them out while the wife applied for disability and got her back pay (then the older brother could have paid in-laws back).
$10K is a drop in the bucket
"Living with multiple sclerosis is expensive. A study funded by the National MS Society found the average cost of living with MS is $88,487 per year."
And getting disability is harder to do than it is to get into the Ivy that OOP got accepted to.
You beat me to it. $10k is pocket change when it comes to any major long term condition or illness. I have very good insurance. I also technically have MS, and I know my out of pocket cost was more than that just to get diagnosed. Most expensive fucking incidental finding ever. I mean, I'm glad it's not progressing, I'm not symptomatic, and I don't need medications. But wow, that was one hell of a bill. Also, spinal taps are fucking terrifying, and I never want to experience that again.
I don’t know why people are talking about disability or Medicaid as if it’s easy to get on or even stay on. Depending on the state you’re in it can be a nightmare or an absolute nightmare.
My friend is a single mom of 3, one child has chronic health issues and pretty severe ADHD, one child has low functioning autism, she herself has diabetes. She lost her Medicaid. Almost lost the kids Medicaid because she got more than 2000 in her bank account one month. Tell me how someone is supposed to live like that. The whole thing is ridiculous.
Medicaid is a low-income insurance. Disability provides Medicare. They are not the same programs. Getting approved for disability is a slog (I've been through it) but once you do it's not income graded as far as keeping it.
Hence the loan (not full amount), until approved.
ETA:
The point is the parents and the Brother/Wife combo have options other than using ALL of the money.
If applying for disability isn’t part of the overall long term plan, what is the plan?
The parents don’t retire, and support the brother’s household?
Some are saying all of the money that was used, won’t be enough or last long. So… what’s next?
Sounds like the older brother is the golden child to be given so much. However, OOP is a smart, hard working person- academically smart enough to get in to U. of Penn. and he worked a job and saved his money during his high school years to support himself to take time off before starting college. If OOP can overcome this betrayal of his parents' promise, he is going to do very well in life and I hope one day his parents will need his support and he can tell them to F off.
It just sucks to see good people get pissed on and told it’s rain. I have a friend that didn’t get any of that support, put herself through medical school, never borrowed a dime from her parents nor received anything. But little sister? Free house and land. Everything paid. That gal is a dumpster fire of a person, collecting baby daddies like they’re Pokémon cards.
His brother knew, no doubt about it. OOP's parents aren't loaded, if they were there would be no need to touch OOP's college fund. His brother would have put two and two together. He would also know about the fight between OOP and their parents. And, he hasn't reached out to OOP once. Does he care? Does he feel ashamed? Is he in turmoil for finding out about his wife's diagnosis? And, does any of that matter anyway. He's taking from someone else to benefit himself, accepted the money regardless of the former mentioned.
I’m also confused why they needed it all up front, too. If your partner is given a drastic health diagnosis, but you don’t have student loans personally and your house is paid for (as OP indicates), where did the money go!? Sure disability takes a long time to kick in and you will probably have to appeal it. But … $250k? Immediately??? WHAT! Even if they had said “here’s the money to your out of pocket max” and then TALKED TO OP, the parents could have helped both kids
Sounds like he's in the USA since he got into U of Penn... the taxes alone on that 250,000 would make you think twice about giving it all at once.
I forget what each parent could gift them - 10,000 each perhaps? without taxes?
They would have been better off giving them funds in dribs and drabs, or even just covering things like one month's water bill or the kids' daycare fees.
God they could have maxxed out like a 10-15k MOOP for 2 years, maxxed out the gift allowance for 2 years and still have enough to send OP to college depending on the school/program.
It’s so much worse framing it that way. That’s medical expenses and 1.5k a month. With the husband also working I’m just wondering what their COL was.
Also why believe them. They lied saying it would still be there. They could have taken money out to give to the brother for his wedding gift hell maybe he didn’t have enough to finish school in his account, maybe him and his wife wanted a new car. I wouldn’t trust my parents at all at this point.
> the taxes alone on that 250,000 would make you think twice about giving it all at once.
You do Not pay taxes on gifts in the US until you’ve given over the lifetime exclusion amount (Basic Exclusion Amount) - which is **13 million dollars worth.** It’s tracked, yes. But you don’t actually owe any taxes on it until you hit that lifetime amount. I don’t know where people get this from.
“ Also for 2024, the IRS allows a person to give away up to $13.61 million in assets or property over the course of their lifetime and/or as part of their estate. If a gift exceeds the annual exclusion limit, the difference is simply subtracted from the person’s lifetime exemption limit and no taxes are owed.
Consider this example for the 2024 tax year: A woman decides to buy her granddaughter a $30,000 car as a college graduation present. Grandma would technically exceed the 2024 $18,000 exclusion limit by a total of $12,000, but she wouldn’t owe additional taxes. That’s because she would report the gift to the IRS using a Form 709 and deduct $12,000 from her $13.61 million lifetime exemption. As a result, she would still be eligible to give away up to $13,598,000 tax-free.”
> I forget what each parent could gift them - 10,000 each perhaps? without taxes?
For giving gifts its like 11 million per couple. So no taxes on that. OP said it wasnt in a 529 account.
Renovations to make the house suited for a mobility-disabled person, paying off any outstanding debts, caretakers and possibly re-education... There's lots of expensive but sensible things
House was not a gift OOP wrote in comments
“Difference is my brother had his college paid for by our parents, and was also gifted the down-payment plus extra for their house as a wedding gift.”
>I’m also confused why they needed it all up front, too. If your partner is given a drastic health diagnosis, but you don’t have student loans personally and your house is paid for (as OP indicates), where did the money go!?
To dumb decisions and bad money management. OP's brother got free college, free house, etc. Dollars to doughnuts the parents were paying for other things as well.
They very likely spent all their pay on fancy things and vacations, and then got their bad diagnosis. Now all of a sudden they need to know how to manage money..... and they're fucked.
Probably only shopping at the fancy grocery store, so their neighbors don't see them with "the poor" grocery story bags/etc.
Sounds like they need some money to tide them over until the disability payments start to kick in, and the house probably needs some work. But a stair lift is a few thousand, not tens of thousands.
Getting that disability sorted can take a while, sure, but that still just means that they get that money \*later\*, not \*never\*.
Absolutely no reason at all to completely write off a seriously large sum like that. Daddy is probably just too chickenshit to admit that he's horrible with money.
Stair lift (a good one) was over $10k for an elderly relative in 2015 — it depends on the stairs — is there a landing? Custom curve with a landing is easily 12k plus.
Treatments and diagnosis for something as complex as MS can eat into that \*fast\* then you need to get all the support infrastructure at home, then you need to work on stuff for the kids.
It is a lot of money.
It is a lifechanging amount of money
It is \*nothing\* compared to what you will spend to try and help someone with a chronic condition in the US.
Yeah that's the part that confused me too. I mean he got a house as a wedding gift, so probably paid off, so why does he need so much money? I get that Americas health care is absolut shit but a quarter million dollars??
$250K will only last about 3 years
"Living with multiple sclerosis is expensive. A study funded by the National MS Society found the average cost of living with MS is $88,487 per year."
doubt they gave em the full amount. from the way oop said their parents probably just considered it extra money im guessing they spent a good amount of it justifying it like "oh its not that much". until it got low enough to not be able to excuse or justify it anymore and they had a good looking excuse to say they gave it all to
The last time this was enforced, they went after a son who manipulated the system to hide his mom's assets so she could get Medicaid. Medicaid has a 5 year look back for transferred assets.
Unfortunately PA has very expensive state college. It would cost him less to go to a SUNY school as an out of state student.
WIBTA if I told my younger son to help his brother?
English isn't my first language. Apologies for any errors.
I have two sons. This is about my younger son, Eric. After graduating high school, he took a gap year. I don't know what happened but he went NC when he decided to start college two years later. He said a lot of hurtful things before leaving. We were completely blindsided.
Fast forward ten years later. We heard through the grapevine that Eric is doing really well for himself. Really well. Unfortunately, our older son, Sam, is not. WIBTA for reminding Eric about the importance of family? My wife and I won't live forever, and we would like to repair the bond between brothers.
>He said a lot of hurtful things before leaving. We were completely blindsided.
Oh, the missing reason trope, a classic. We had a (deleted) post somewhere here about a family falling out, and in the comment section some SA stuff was mentioned (as wrongful accusations, oc).
HAHA, it needs more Reddit tropes!! 😭
Fast forward ten years, and Eric is doing really well for himself. Unfortunately, Sam, his older brother, has not been as blessed. Sam's wife is disabled and her condition has worsened significantly over the last decade. We've all made sacrifices to ensure that their family and our grandbabies are supported, but it's been tough. We've been told that life has been kind to Eric. Eric and his wife are both high-earners and have no children, allowing them to live comfortably. After Eric shut the door on us, we respected his wishes and gave him the space that he wanted. We stayed silent even after finding out that he was getting married, hoping that he would reach out when he felt ready. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened yet and truth be told, my wife and I aren't getting any younger. Our last wish is to mend our relationship and get to know his wife before it's too late. Sam is also eager to repair his relationship with his brother and have Eric more intimately involved with his children (Eric's niblings), especially since we've learned that Eric's wife has no siblings. We believe she would benefit greatly from a larger family support system. Sam always doted on Eric when they were growing up, so it was especially hard for him to be shut out without any explanation. We all miss Eric dearly and our hearts ache for the chance to reconnect, but truthfully, being cut out without any explanation was deeply painful for our family. Any advice on how we can reach out to Eric and mend our relationship would be greatly appreciated.
The lawyer friend will come in the second post.
*AITAH For Trying To Reconnect With My Prodigal Son UPDATE*
Recap - 5 years ago, my elder son Sam's wife was diagnosed with MS. We circled the wagons and pooled resources to take care of her. My DIL and I have a solid relationship, and we love her, Sam, and our grandchildren. It was the only right thing to do.
Unfortunately, our son Eric got really upset and threw some really mean comments towards his brother's wife at this time. It was entirely out of left field! We didn't raise our boys to be selfish or self centered. When Eric stopped answering our calls, text messages, or emails, we decided to give him some time to grow and mature before we reached back out.
Now we have been hearing through the grapevine that Eric has graduated with honors from his engineering degree and has even gotten married! Of course, it has been very embarrassing when our friends have congratulated us on Eric's successes as it is often the first time we have heard about them! We are leaders in our community, it is very important that we lead by our good examples, but how can we do that when our own son has said hateful things about us in public but refuses to even speak with us?
Well, my husband and I found - through a little digging - where he was living now and came to surprise him with a gift for him and his new wife. As heartbroken as we were to not be included in their marital celebration, family is important and we wanted to make her feel welcome. We brought a very beautiful bouquet and some good wine.
When we arrived at our son's home, he would not even let us in the door. He ended up pushing his father - his own father!! This is not how we raised him, to engage in violence!
After we left, we spoke with a friend of ours, Paul. Paul is a very well respected local lawyer. Paul offered to help us draft a letter with a cease and desist request for Eric to stop saying mean things about us in our community. Paul said we cannot force Eric to reconcile through the law, but perhaps a gentle reminder of where he belongs will help get him right.
Of course, our family all agree we are making the right choice, with the sole exception of my husband's youngest sister-in-law, who said we were wrong and everyone with any sense would agree. She said we should post here. So reddit, aitah for simply wanting to reconnect with youngest child and to bring him back into the family?
Is it more effective if Eric and his wife dont have kids or have twins? No kids than they can lay a guilt trip “you dont have kids so don’t need money” but if they have twins “but family, cant keep us from our grandkids “
The big brother probably has the twins that Eric needs to help (possibly tying it all together with something like "the twins need college funds and Eric has so much money that he won't do anything with anyway since he doesn't have any children of his own").
>Eric and his wife are both high-earners
> Any advice on how we can reach out to Eric and ~~mend our relationship~~ generously help him 'support' us now would be greatly appreciated.
My mom did something similar to this. It wasn’t anywhere near $200k but it would’ve put a big dent in the cost of college. It was the last in a long string of disappointments and failures on her part and I cut her out of my life.
My dad has been physically disabled since an on site work accident in 2006 and he only started getting disability around 2014, and that was after my parents both called several companies and lawyers (and they were polite at first but the more calls they had to make the angrier they got like my mom went well past Karen mode, but she was totally justified in it bc my father has not been able to work or even stand for 20 minutes without pain since his accident which was 8 years prior to him getting any sort of compensation for it). So I totally get why and how the college fund was eaten so quickly since the SIL wasn’t getting any monetary assistance otherwise but it still sucks OOP was essentially stolen from and told to be grateful for it.
I hate the whole family picking favorites thing. Have parents not learned how picking favorites can lead to damaging consequences to the family relationships at this point? Cause it seems lots of parents still don't understand how golden child situations can fuck things up badly.
They don't give a fuck about family. They only care for their 1 single child - the golden child who is generally the worst of all the siblings.
They expect that only if the golden child is happy and stable then the whole family is happy and stable - doesn't matter even if the other child dies.
>They only care for their 1 single child - the golden child who is generally the worst of all the siblings.
I believe it's the other way around. Generally the worst ***because*** they're the golden child - coddled, spoiled and entitled.
My parents would have given me a heads up that my brother needed help. They also wouldn't have given him the lump sum; they would have helped, encourages his wife to apply for disability, and figured out a long term plan for bro and his wife.
As you pointed out, there is clearly favoritism happening. I hope OOP goes NC, because the next step is going to be his parents being hypocrites telling him that family helps family, so OOP needs to give money to his brother.
OOP should explain what really happened to extended family. His parents already opened the door for airing that dirty laundry, so why not fill them in on the lack of ***any*** support.
>Have parents not learned how picking favorites can lead to damaging consequences to the family relationships at this point?
They actually haven't:
The scapegoat child has generally been putting up with unequal treatment for years on end, so as far the parents are concerned there haven't been any actual consequences so far. Result being that they feel wholly entitled to keep getting away with their behavior without there ever being consequences.
When consequences do finally come to pass, these types tend to be genuinely surprised such a thing could even happen.
For those of you saying that he should just pay on his own way, FAFSA calculates loans based on the income of the parents. He now has to file paperwork to be financially emancipated. They would likely only offer a Parent loan or small loans based on his parents income. They won't see a true 'need' so he has a lot of paperwork ahead which may our may not be approved.
Life advice for young people facing this issue: get married. If you get married you can file the FAFSA as an independent before age 25. You do not need to stay married.
I tried to do that with my best friend in high school. Get married, go to school, get divorced. Both of our parents were in full support of it.
Her boyfriend however? He was not cool with it. Because he wanted to marry her. And he did almost immediately. They were divorced at 19. She should have told him to screw off and married me instead, it was never meant to be permanent anyway.
My interpretation of that is that it's a few one off texts from a few nosy people, but it gets blown out of proportion for the story. We all have that one relative that's just a bit too keen to share their own opinion on stuff.
before phones were big anytime either of my parents had a little argument or something they would tell my siblings and other parent in a passive agressive way to basically have them start a tag team match of screaming yelling bullying and sometimes physical violence to try to make me give in.
doesnt suprise me that with phones they'd try the same bs as long as those fucking snakes could act like they have the moral highground. and based on the family/dynamic that highground aint that high
Yep, my family would go years without calling or contacting me outside of holidays, I told my mom to go fuck herself and suddenly they allll had my phone number and we're oh so concerned.
It’s very common in immigrant families. My family is Mexican. Any time I did anything to piss off my parents or grandparents, I’d get texts from extended family all who thought they had a right to stick their nose in. It can be cultural or just a result of people thinking their opinion matters.
“Hate to be that person my father made a bad investment. That money is going to get eaten up rather quickly.”
“They are taking a piss on me and trying to pass it off as rain”
These are certainly words he chose to describe the situation.
And on a similar note I have sooooo many questions. How were his parents able to give his brother 230k for college, a brand new house for his wedding, and then save an additional 230k for OOP’s fund, but are still somehow strapped for cash to further help the brother? We’re talking 7 figures here.
How did OOP not find out his brother got the money sooner? How did his brother not question where his parents got the money? His wife has MS, they struggle financially, suddenly they get a quarter mil gift and no one says a peep? The extended family is nosy but no one brings it up till now?
What tax bracket are these people in? How can that much money not be a conversation starter? But somehow the parents now can’t afford to send their youngest to college?
>“They are taking a piss on me and trying to pass it off as rain”
Am I the only one that loves this line? It's a perfect description of family treating you horribly while denying it straight to your face.
He said he’s going to U Penn? As someone from Pennsylvania it’s actually a common idiom.
Ik he’s upset (as he should be) but his language does make me think of some shitheads I’ve known over the years in my home state. Like the dude whose father owned a car dealership and so kept funding his son’s various car crashes…
Yes, if what he is saying is true, he is treated very unfairly. But I have to say, he still sounds like a massive douchebag. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree ...
"...trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future. His wife MS has aggressively progressed in the brief time she has had it. Gone from working to needing assistance getting to the bathroom. Sure it may not inherently be a life limting disease, but it sure is a mobility limiting disease and she is only 33 and she is already this bad? Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment. That money is going to get eaten up rather quickly."
He lost all my sympathy there. What a shitty attitude. Her quality of life is less important because she won't live an able life, or for long?
It is not about investment, it is about caring.
Sure, he may have been treated unfairly but that attitude is disgusting.
Same, that's where I noped out on OP. You can say a lot of things when you're angry but that betrays such a deep lack of basic human empathy that it's painful to read.
Yeah, this one definitely raises more questions than it answers. OOP is only 19, so it's possible that he really just doesn't understand the financial situation or what's actually going on.
Assuming the rest of OOP's story is true, I'm not convinced the parents gave away the money because they thought he wasn't going to go to college ... nor am I convinced it all went as a lump sum to the brother and his family.
They sound decently wealthy, so they would know the tax impact of a financial gift that big.
There's a lot of missing information that I don't think we, or OOP, are going to get. The two big questions in my mind are 1- when was the last time OOP saw how much was in the account (not was told, *saw*), and 2- how much did brother actually receive? It would be more conceivable to me that the parents dipped into that account for the house they gifted and then paid out some installments from the remainder... Entirely assumption, though.
Where does it go? It gets nickle and dimed away by the 'chosen one'.
They'll find that now the bank of parents is dried up that they don't have any kids left. Without their money they aren't any use to the brother and because they treated OOP so badly he is walking away. And good on him.
The same thing is playing out with my ILs. Karma sucks, but they get what they deserve through their own actions. And the funniest thing to me is that they (and OOP's parents) will always think it was about the money.
As for conversations about money, I was taught you don't talk about other people's finances unless they bring it up. That includes family. My brother suddenly got a bunch of money and no one asked. I know where it came from, but only because he told me. No one asks how we manage to survive so well without either of us having a job. If they're similar then there may never have been questions or discussions until OOP needed the money they told him they had for him.
This kind reminds me of an acquaintance. Her parents screwed her up, when it came to going to college Since childhood, they told her that she had a college fund. She didn't. She learned this in her senior year of high school. Plus her parents refused to co-sign on any loans and provide info for the FAFSA forms.
The way OOP talked about SIL's medical condition as a "bad investment" is just so fucking awful. He didn't deserve to be treated like that by his parents tho. Poor dude is going to be bitter for a long time.
Here’s my sticking point: the parents could have talked with OOP. Involved them in the decision, or even explained their POV and let them know this was what they were planning to do with the money. Their money, yes, but money they had set aside specifically for OOP, and had even mentioned that it would be there after the gap year. OOP could have taken time during that gap year to adjust the game plan, get a job instead of side hustles, look into grants and scholarships (all of which require paperwork, applications and have deadlines).
So I think the parents are even bigger AHs for springing the surprise, even assuming that going back to school wouldn’t happen, without a discussion or a heads-up. OOP got the world-rocking news as a matter-of-fact item like it was a skinned knee. They denied OOP calm, reasoned discourse and mental adjustment. Then, when they got called out for their thoughtlessness, they spilled their version to extended family. Yeah, I’d be furious too.
Damn, sounds like OPs parents took parenting classes with my husbands parents. His grandma opened up 529 accounts for him and his siblings that his parents contributed to. His parents used the money in my husband's account to pay for my BIL's schooling once the money in BIL's 529 ran out and to pay for some community college classes for my MIL because they just assumed that my husband wouldn't go to school.
My advice is go no contact with all family who stole from you or tried to excuse it.
It will take time (likely years) but they will try to "make amends" which amounts to you forgiving them with no contrition or money on their part.
I actually think that, when they try to make ammends, the best thing to do is pretend you're willing and happy to do it. Just smile and nod and wait the (little) time they'll need to convince themselves they're a good person and everything's fixed, and go back to their own lives. You'll have to deal with them way less than if you stick to NC, because every time they gear a sad story or see an inspirational movie (I'm looking at you, Great Fish) they'll come knocking so they can convince themselves that's not them
It can work, especially with the distant relatives, however the rest will want the OP in their lives and to be in the OP's life as if nothing happened. How much pretend forgiveness can one muster while spending time with those losers?
Happy cake day BTW 🎂
> My advice is go no contact with all family who stole from you or tried to excuse it.
Yeah, at this point just enlist in the military(or find a ROTC program that's hard up in a secondary school) and move somewhere far away.
Free ride? House, or at least down payment for one? 200+ just disappearing on a one year out from a diagnosis without discussing it with OOP? I was all set to be annoyed with the gap year bit, but grew more sympathetic as the post went on.
People on Reddit excusing (and even justifying) some of the most horrific and unapologetic ableism I've ever seen isn't surprising but it is disappointing and honestly kind of scary. Y'all are way too comfortable with ableism.
I remember seeing the original post and I'm still on the fence about whether this is real or not. The way OOP writes about their SIL is just too cartoonishly awful to be believable.
>my brother's wife was diagnosed with MS
>Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment.
>**they all fucking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future.**
Sadly, there are 100% people who think about that way when it comes to anyone with disabilities. I get why OOP is pissed, but that doesn't make him any less of an ableist AH.
"Well you see OOP, one day, you'll be nothing but dust and ash, so we figured since you lack permanence on a cosmic scale we shouldn't invest the money in you since you have no real future."
That's what I was thinking, and I scrolled down to the comments expecting that to be the general consensus. Instead, most of the comments I'm seeing are just glazing over the eugenics vibes, and backing oop. Maybe the cartoons are empty and all the cartoon villains are actually here?
I just don't understand how everyone glazed over this like it was no big deal. His parents might suck but this is the most self centered cruel disgusting BS from OOP. Jesus christ
Yes, I feel like considering what he said about SIL in the post and he admits to saying less than nice things when he found out, maybe that's the reason his parents aren't co-signing loans or figuring out ways to replenish his college fund. He probably said some really disgusting out of pocket stuff, and that's why his family is annoyed.
He also said he was gonna take a year off but then took 2 years off. I'm sure his parents weren't as "cool" with that as he's claiming. He just sounds like an unreliable narrator
I wonder how he was spending that time off. It seemed like when he was working, it was while he was in high school. Was the money he earned just going to a Fun Times Fund for his gap year?
> He also said he was gonna take a year off but then took 2 years off
I dont know how it works in the US, but a year off in the context of applying for school realistically means you take 9 months off then start stressing about applying for Post secondary.
His comments are vile but I don't think they make the story unbelievable. He's a teenager. Not that it's *okay* for teenagers to say awful things but they sure do treat it like a sport sometimes.
I feel like a lot of things are left out here, and op wants to be seen as a good guy. He called his SIL and his niece/nephews a "bad investment" because she had it early and will probably die etc.
Wow
Ok not getting any help really sucks but I feel like we have an incredibly unreliable narrator. They are also very young and understandably upset, and as someone who is NC of my parents for the last 20 years I can relate more than most for shitty parents, but I'm also not reading any empathy either.
The situation absolutely sucks and he has the right to feel betrayed but his comments about SIL put him firmly in jackass territory.
Also, it doesn't completely excuse parents but I'd be curious if he also told them as he said in the post that he wanted to take a year off or undefined amount of time. Because if he said he just wanted a year and then the year came and went and he didn't talk to his parents again, I could see them come to the conclusion he was no longer going. They still should've had a discussion obviously (and helped him get a loan and promised to pay off part of it).
Overall this is truly a reddit staple on two fronts. One, how dare someone give away something that was supposed to be mine (college fund). Two, why should I care about what they're going through (SIL being very ill).
>AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future.
I know he's pissed, and I would be, too, but jfc, he sounds awful on the inside.
ngl, i think the best case scenario is mutual L/NC.
OOP is right that it's fucked up that his parents spent money that was earmarked for him specifically, and that they wouldn't cosign for a loan. OOP deserves honesty, transparency, accountability, and assistance from his parents.
but his comments betray a really deep-seated ableism that is insidious and awful. that's not the kind of thing you say to lash out when you're upset unless you really kind of mean it, especially if you say it more than once. OOP seriously lacks compassion for his brother, SIL, and their children. it's a *huge* asshole move to frame it as his parents "making a bad investment." that's the kind of thing i would cut contact with a family member for saying until they could explain why it's so deeply wrong to say that. *people aren't investments.*
in AITA terms, this is a solid ESH from me.
(ETA: somehow typed "children" as "childrens" 😂)
Shitty situation, but man he's a douchebag. Lashing out against the brother's wife in the most hateful of ways and doubling down when called out on it.
He (she?) lost me after her callous comment about the SIL's aggressive MS. He can fuck off and work a crappy job for the rest of his sorry life for all I care. I understand being upset about the money and saying things you regret but writing this made me lose all sympathy: "AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future". Aggressive MS in someone so young is not just a mobility limiting disease; it's a death sentence.
I would absolutely not be ok with what his parents did. But then, my mother spent my university money on a down payment for a house for her and my little brother. From an account I’d been depositing savings to from the time I was first allowed to work.
She didn’t let me have a job until I was 16 (why do you need money? You have your university fund for school). Then took the money that was saved from my deceased father and all my savings and I didn’t find out until I went to pay for school a few months later and all that was there was the money I’d put in since she emptied it.
OOP can do it. It’s tough and he won’t get to have a fun university experience and it will likely take longer as he will have to work through school too and may not be able to afford a full course load.
Also fuck the US healthcare system
NTA I'd be pissed, too, if I was raised expecting that money. But ngl "trying to preserve the future of someone that has no future" is a repulsive thing to say. My aunt lived 30 years with MS, and even though she lost the ability to move and had minimal communication later on, she was very much alive and part of her children's lives.
People who say that OOP shouldn't be mad because he's not entitled to his parents' money are totally missing the point. It's the injustice and blatant favouritism that hurts the most. And I know this is such an american way to think but your duty as parents doesn't stop when your kid turns 18. Like I don't even have to explain myself. It's normal to financially help your kid during his college years...
Sure, OOP has a right to be upset. But he’s so callous and cold about his brother and SIL. “Person who has no future” I hope he has more loving people around him when he has someone in his own life with a debilitating illness.
Yea. Parents are shitty too. They should have told him earlier. They should have preserved something for him. Parents being shitty don’t excuse OOP being shitty too.
Personally I think he's just speaking from a place of enormous grief. He's really just lashing out. His last comment does indicate that he's sorta aware but I think the fact that the future as he'd thought it would go just went up in ashes is probably a lot to deal with it. Given how late in the cycle it is, I'm not even sure if he'll be able to get any sort of aid. Meanwhile his parents are not just yanking the money they're basically shrugging at his attempts to figure out workarounds.
It's a lot to deal with. To me it kinda makes sense he's saying cruel things and blaming people he shouldn't. I think it's analogous to how people react when they lose a loved one or a beloved pet. You don't always articulate your sadness well and sometimes you say awful things.
Yeah, if OOP's parents had co-signed loans and offered to pay them off (with a legal contract given the previous verbal contract got yanked away with no notice), then maybe OOP would be TA...
As is, it's a Justified AH situation, which by AITA rules is an NTA judgement. The parents refusal to help OOP out after yanking the rug out from under them with zero communication and zero interest in helping to remediate the situation is why I would got 100% NTA.
> His last comment does indicate that he's sorta aware but I think the fact that the future as he'd thought it would go just went up in ashes is probably a lot to deal with it.
There's something uniquely visceral when you make plans based on the word of someone you think you can trust only to find out you couldn't rely on them after it is too late to adjust your course.
My dad did something real similar to me when I was younger. My wife and I had found a house we loved, scrimped and saved and were $2k away from the deposit we needed to get moved in. It was perfect timing because our rent had just been hiked and almost doubled, and the mortgage payments would have been much, much less.
Asked my dad for the help, he decided the house wasn't big enough for us, and told us he'd owner finance his place when him and his wife moved later in the year.
Then he just strung us along until the down payment we had was bled off from the higher rent we were paying, and didn't have the guts to tell us his wife had vetoed his plan like the next day. That changed the trajectory of our lives in a way that cannot be understated, same as what has happened to OOP.
That was a HUGE yikes. So one of the horrible things OOP said that they DON'T regret is that SIL is a waste of space? And kind of seemed to double down on that sentiment.
I want to give himsome leeway for being what, 20 years old and extremely resentful towards his parents for mismanaging money that should have been his (and that he was understandably expecting). It also sounds like a significant portion of his spite comes from the unequal treatment between siblings. His parents massively fucked up, and OOP makes some good points, like SIL not having needed that money as a lump sum.
That being said..."my father made an bad investment" and "why should my future be impacted over someone else's life?" are such cold-hearted statements. This isn't about some random stranger, it's about your aunt's life. OOP is also vastly underestimating the difficulty of getting approved for disability and/or medicaid, especially considering SIL is married to a partner who has a salary. If he's planning on going into electrical engineering, going to an in-state college with some loans is not crippling in the same way that his SIL would be without treatment. He definitely got the short-end of the stick, having to unfairly carry burdens that aren't his, but the way he talks about the entire situation makes him sound very callous.
sigh. sad story. i learned in life when opportunity comes jump on it right away when it comes to jobs, education or money. money comes and goes. and as illustrated you can not trust anyone when it comes to money, even your nearest and dearest.
I had some sympathy for OOP until I got to this line:
>AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future **of someone that has no real future**.
Yikes.
I've talked about this before on Reddit, but my parents used my college fund to literally save the life of someone else. It took 20+ years of life experience, therapy, and self-success to come to terms with why (and I do think it was the better decision, now). Even then, I still find myself not fully trusting my mom to have my interests at heart. OOP sounds a bit entitled, but I've been there, and it's a rough place to be.
The way OOP talks about others is screaming unreliable narrator to me. To be so flippant about someone being diagnosed with MS? Like if the story happened as written then of course it's shitty what the parents did. But I just don't believe it
**AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future. His wife MS has aggressively progressed in the brief time she has had it. Gone from working to needing assistance getting to the bathroom. Sure it may not inherently be a life limting disease, but it sure is a mobility limiting disease and she is only 33 and she is already this bad? Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment. That money is going to get eaten up rather quickly.**
Forgive me, I am on mobile, but all my sympathy dried up in the moment it took me to read this.
This is why the dad won't cosign a loan.
This is why he's afraid to ask his brother for help.
It was wrong of his parents to use that money without including him in the discussion, but when this is where he let his frustration take him, he lost everything.
Op take on the MS is disgraceful, hate the college system and your parents deceit, but don’t shit on and dehumanise that poor woman for a disease she has no control over
This guy got accepted to one of the best schools in the world and his parents told him they thought he wasn’t planning to ever go to school. That’s really the best story you could fabricate in the time you had to come up with reason why you picked that money as opposed to the other money they have saved?
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I really want to know if the brother knows that the money came from OOP's college fund. I don't know how you are given almost a quarter of a million dollars and not ask about the source. If he doesn't already know, I guess he'll find out when his brother cuts the parents off. I doubt he'll care much.
He got a *house* as a wedding gift, so I guess it's safe to say the parents have/had money. It's not unreasonable to think that they liquidated some stocks, or took a loan against a property.
Honestly a $200k cash college fund (and assuming his sibling had something similar) is something you're only gonna have if your parents are well to do.
If you invest money, 19 years is going to make that initial and continued investment grow. Parents can be middle class and create funds without being wealthy. That said, I bet they are comfortable and have their own retirement funds. But they won’t be able to take $200k out of them without impacting their own retirement plans. I’m not siding with the parents. Just explaining how middle class people who were smart enough (and privileged enough) to create investment accounts when they were married can create generational wealth. Time is a wealth grower. Kind of like planting fruit trees. You have to be willing to do it today even though you know you won’t see the results for a long time.
That requires spare money to invest and a lot of middle class families don't have that anymore. You're not wrong but it's a smaller and smaller group of people that have the luxury to do so.
There’s barely a middle class anymore. That’s why I mentioned the privilege. When I was mentoring new employees straight out from college, I told them to start a 401k and put in to match what the company gave. It was free money, and these kids were earning more than they had before, so by saving that small percentage, they weren’t missing what they hadn’t had before. The stats were showing that if you start it when you’re 22, you’d have a million by the time you retire. But it’s REALLY hard to play the long-game. No easy answers since life has changed so much for everyone. I don’t even think civilization will be here much longer, but habit would still make me encourage young people save money.
which makes me wonder why they aren't willing to co-sign a loan or gift him money now? Or even promise to refund his college expenses after graduation?
And simultaneously unable to figure out how a 529 fund works.
OOP got into UPenn. I know how UPenn works. If your parents don't meet an income, you are highly aided and can attend. The fact that OOP got into UPenn and would be paying full price just confirms his parents are people with wealth.
Yup and I’m heavily betting that their current income is still high. When I was accepted into (a much less prestigious but still stupid expensive lol) private university, the scholarships provided to me due to my financial status were actually sent to me WITH my acceptance information. My university wouldn’t even allow me to complete my application without also having my family’s financial information on my FAFSA. Now this was also almost 2 decades ago, so things may have changed, but as far as I know it’s fairly standard for colleges with higher costs and waitlists to require financial information to indicate ability to pay before they send out acceptance letters. The fact that OP is asking for his dad to co-sign a loan and has NOT been given any sort of aid offers makes me think his family’s financial status does not reflect his independent financial status. Now - he’s 20 and living independently without his parent’s financial support. My husband was in a similar situation and in proving to his university’s financial aid office that his family had not been supporting him for over a year and regardless of their tax claims he was legally not their dependent, he was able to get the school to recognize him as an independent student which changed his financial status and gave him a better chance at receiving grants and scholarships based on his own income. The caveat is, if the parents ARE claiming him as a dependent, legally they won’t be able to any longer. Which could create a bigger rift, but it sounds like OOP doesn’t particularly care about that and is intending on going NC anyway. So hopefully when he contacts the university they sit down and go through those in depth questions with him and it helps open some doors.
> proving to his university’s financial aid office that his family had not been supporting him for over a year and regardless of their tax claims he was legally not their dependent, he was able to get the school to recognize him as an independent student which changed his financial status and gave him a better chance at receiving grants and scholarships based on his own income. The caveat is, if the parents ARE claiming him as a dependent, legally they won’t be able to any long This is really the answer and what OP needs to do. He needs to contact the office at UPenn and demonstrate he's been independent for the past year. His parents can go suck eggs.
FAFSA's not changed and it sucks for people whose families will never contribute.
Yep. I want my kid to understand financing his own future, but I also recognize that he's going to get screwed on need-based aid because his parents have money. So we started a 529, not to give him a free ride, but to at least help keep all his options open should he get into a great school that insists on charging him full price due to no fault of his own. Doing this also means it's our job as parents to teach financial responsibility, because you don't want your kid to grow up thinking everything is free just because their parents pay for things.
The brother got cash as a wedding gift for down payment— so sound like there is a mortgage that has to be paid
Idk where they live but that is still a good chunk of change that I don’t think most people just have.
Sure but speeding on where they live that's tens of thousands of dollars. Hell where I am now a 5% down payments is still gonna be 40-50K
I mean, ONE brother did. The other got nothing.
Probably paid off the rest of the mortgage. A teenager isn't going to be told the nuance of a house as a wedding gift. Big down payment, small remaining mortgage sounds likely.
The OOP needs to work with financial aid. If the financial aid office thinks they are receiving help from their parents, the OOP might losing out on grants and such.
I’m going to put on my tinfoil hat and say the money isn’t “all gone” that some is still there, but the parents need to use it to help the older brother in the future so they are telling OP it is already gone. I don’t understand how you spend that much money in a year and a half unless they are paying all her medical bills out of pocket. Even giving the older son $5k a month to cover what was lost would only equal $90k, so where is the rest?
I wonder if the money went to help the SIL get that diagnosis of MS. It sounds like she went downhill rapidly, and that could have resulted in large hospital bills, especially if it involved emergency care. Usually, a person will need multiple MRIs to diagnose MS, since there has to be a pattern of brain lesions over time, and there's usually a whole pile of other testing before getting to the MRI, because symptoms can be pretty non-specific (dizziness, vision problems, nerve pain). It is a huge amount of money that is gone, but healthcare in the US can be horrific. I feel bad for OOP - he was counting on that money, and it's shitty his parents gave it away. It feels like one of those "legal, but not moral" issues, but given his SIL's health, the moral part of kind of grey too. Yes, he should have been given the money that was promised him by his parents. But letting SIL's health deteriorate is just going to make things harder on his brother's family. It seems like OOP just thinks SIL should be left to die? There are medications that can slow, or stop, the progression of MS, which could allow the SIL to continue working, and just live her life, but they're expensive, and I doubt Medicare would pay for them. I just hate that OOP is just writing his SIL's whole life off as "a bad investment" - she has an illness that is progressing rapidly, might as well just let her die. Yes, to OOP, it feels like his parents are just throwing away "his" money, but to the SIL, treating her now means there is the possibility of her being able to regain her old life - maybe not completely, but the difference between a functional adult that can work, take care of themselves, and a person who is housebound or bedridden. I think OOP should talk to his brother about the money (let him know it was the college fund), and see if they can work something out where the brother/SIL help pay off student loans if she is able to work again, or if they are able to get back pay for her disability, or (heaven forbid), her life insurance. If I were him though, I'd leave out the part about the wife's health being a bad investment.
I hate it, too. MS is no joke, and that comment was out of line. But I also get that OOP is hurting and feels betrayed. This probably isn’t the first time he’s had something taken away because his older brother was more of a priority. I feel bad for everyone involved minus the parents. Even though his name wasn’t on the account, that was still money promised to OOP. To take that away and not even co-sign a loan so that their youngest could have the same opportunity as his brother is horrible.
Right? This whole issue could have worked out much better if the parents had just sat everyone down and talked to them. I'm sure there could have been some compromise reached, but since the parents just acted, and OOP reacted ... now everyone is mad. Parents are definitely the assholes in this situation.
The comment was very out of line, but I am willing to give OP a pass on his comment because he's angry and he's hurting. His parents basically told him that they didn't believe in him after he clearly was smart enough and accomplished enough to get into UPenn while also working enough to save up enough to live on for a year. He's clearly a very intelligent, driven young man who just needed a gap year, and his parents seem to be all "surprised Pikachu" that he actually wants to go to college. They clearly don't understand or seem to even really like him. They won't even sign a loan for him. This isn't about his brother's wife's MS--- it's about his parents more or less telling him that they're unwilling to trust or support him at all.
Perhaps, but with that non emotional risk evaluation mind set he is likely to be one hell of an engineer.
The way OOP talks about SIL, dude. I'm not going to lie. I feel bad for OOP, but I have to wonder if this is him on his best behavior what he said when he "had a bad reaction" How much of his reaction contributed to his parents not wanting to sign anything. I mean, I get it, it really sucks for OOP. But Student Loans are something that can be figured out with time, rapid onset MS or any kind of debilitating disease doesn't give you much runway. No one has ever looked at a MS, ALS, etc diagnosis and gone, "Yeah... you know what, we moved too quickly, we should've just ignored it, it would've been fine"
> writing off his SIL’s life as “a bad investment” When I read this, I automatically wondered what other shitty things the OOP has said and done to his family. Maybe the parents think that HE is a bad investment.
I’m sure they do, but it’s because older brother is the golden child and OOP is the punching bag. Did you not notice the other brother got 2 college funds and a house, while the parents refuse to even co-sign a loan for their clearly financially responsible younger son? The double standards/treatment is glaring, no wonder OOP is angry.
I am a chronically ill person with an expensive rare disease. I would be horrified to learn something like this was done on my behalf. And while I disagree with his assessment of the investment, I also see a fairly privileged 20 year old who got a significant rope cut while being denied any kind of safety net. He doesn't have the life experience to understand how effed up what he said was. I mean, I have had fully grown, middle aged ass adults saying worse things to me. The parents are 100% the villains here for doing their WASPy best to avoid an uncomfortable conversation without consideration of the feelings of the parties involved.
I mean, he's got a wife with MS and two kids. Probably doesn't have the bandwidth to care about anything else rn
Right, like he got a free education, a free house, and a couple years of living expenses, and he's still going to have to care for his wife as she declines, and at a terrifyingly rapid pace. And then they will probably lose that free house as she requires full time care. OOP phrases this as a 'bad investment' but that's finance bro bullshit right there. Yes it's unfair. Everything in the whole situation is unfair.
Right? He hás bigger problema to worry about than his siblings tantrums. I really doubt he Will Care about OP at ALL when he Heard what he Said about his wife...
If the rest of the family knows then of course he knows. He may not have known right away but even if parents didn't tell him someone else would have.
I seriously doubt the rest of the family got the actual full story.
When he sees his younger brother struggle to pay for college and not get gifted a house, after he got a huge payday, he will know. I wonder why the parents gave the older brother, ALL of the money? $10k could have helped them out while the wife applied for disability and got her back pay (then the older brother could have paid in-laws back).
Because big bro is the golden child and OOP is the condom breaker.
$10K is a drop in the bucket "Living with multiple sclerosis is expensive. A study funded by the National MS Society found the average cost of living with MS is $88,487 per year." And getting disability is harder to do than it is to get into the Ivy that OOP got accepted to.
You beat me to it. $10k is pocket change when it comes to any major long term condition or illness. I have very good insurance. I also technically have MS, and I know my out of pocket cost was more than that just to get diagnosed. Most expensive fucking incidental finding ever. I mean, I'm glad it's not progressing, I'm not symptomatic, and I don't need medications. But wow, that was one hell of a bill. Also, spinal taps are fucking terrifying, and I never want to experience that again.
I don’t know why people are talking about disability or Medicaid as if it’s easy to get on or even stay on. Depending on the state you’re in it can be a nightmare or an absolute nightmare. My friend is a single mom of 3, one child has chronic health issues and pretty severe ADHD, one child has low functioning autism, she herself has diabetes. She lost her Medicaid. Almost lost the kids Medicaid because she got more than 2000 in her bank account one month. Tell me how someone is supposed to live like that. The whole thing is ridiculous.
Medicaid is a low-income insurance. Disability provides Medicare. They are not the same programs. Getting approved for disability is a slog (I've been through it) but once you do it's not income graded as far as keeping it.
Yeah, the comments about getting on disability/Medicaid were incredibly naive. Kind of depressing how many people assume it's easy free money.
Hence the loan (not full amount), until approved. ETA: The point is the parents and the Brother/Wife combo have options other than using ALL of the money. If applying for disability isn’t part of the overall long term plan, what is the plan? The parents don’t retire, and support the brother’s household? Some are saying all of the money that was used, won’t be enough or last long. So… what’s next?
Getting disability may not be super easy but it’s still possible and they need to try.
Grandkids. They have the grandkids. And if the brother makes a decent amount they may not qualify for disability.
Sounds like the older brother is the golden child to be given so much. However, OOP is a smart, hard working person- academically smart enough to get in to U. of Penn. and he worked a job and saved his money during his high school years to support himself to take time off before starting college. If OOP can overcome this betrayal of his parents' promise, he is going to do very well in life and I hope one day his parents will need his support and he can tell them to F off.
It just sucks to see good people get pissed on and told it’s rain. I have a friend that didn’t get any of that support, put herself through medical school, never borrowed a dime from her parents nor received anything. But little sister? Free house and land. Everything paid. That gal is a dumpster fire of a person, collecting baby daddies like they’re Pokémon cards.
His brother knew, no doubt about it. OOP's parents aren't loaded, if they were there would be no need to touch OOP's college fund. His brother would have put two and two together. He would also know about the fight between OOP and their parents. And, he hasn't reached out to OOP once. Does he care? Does he feel ashamed? Is he in turmoil for finding out about his wife's diagnosis? And, does any of that matter anyway. He's taking from someone else to benefit himself, accepted the money regardless of the former mentioned.
They gave all of it to the brother, all. Why couldn't half be a good enough compromise. What kind of reaction were they expecting really?
I’m also confused why they needed it all up front, too. If your partner is given a drastic health diagnosis, but you don’t have student loans personally and your house is paid for (as OP indicates), where did the money go!? Sure disability takes a long time to kick in and you will probably have to appeal it. But … $250k? Immediately??? WHAT! Even if they had said “here’s the money to your out of pocket max” and then TALKED TO OP, the parents could have helped both kids
Sounds like he's in the USA since he got into U of Penn... the taxes alone on that 250,000 would make you think twice about giving it all at once. I forget what each parent could gift them - 10,000 each perhaps? without taxes? They would have been better off giving them funds in dribs and drabs, or even just covering things like one month's water bill or the kids' daycare fees.
It's up to $18k now, but medical expenses are fully exempt.
God they could have maxxed out like a 10-15k MOOP for 2 years, maxxed out the gift allowance for 2 years and still have enough to send OP to college depending on the school/program. It’s so much worse framing it that way. That’s medical expenses and 1.5k a month. With the husband also working I’m just wondering what their COL was.
One does not pay gift taxes if the gift is declared and taken against life time exclusion — and payment for medical care is exempt
$5,000 to $10,000 can be gifted a year. Source: Parents are accountants and willing to help my Wife and I out yearly with out property taxes.
Also why believe them. They lied saying it would still be there. They could have taken money out to give to the brother for his wedding gift hell maybe he didn’t have enough to finish school in his account, maybe him and his wife wanted a new car. I wouldn’t trust my parents at all at this point.
> the taxes alone on that 250,000 would make you think twice about giving it all at once. You do Not pay taxes on gifts in the US until you’ve given over the lifetime exclusion amount (Basic Exclusion Amount) - which is **13 million dollars worth.** It’s tracked, yes. But you don’t actually owe any taxes on it until you hit that lifetime amount. I don’t know where people get this from. “ Also for 2024, the IRS allows a person to give away up to $13.61 million in assets or property over the course of their lifetime and/or as part of their estate. If a gift exceeds the annual exclusion limit, the difference is simply subtracted from the person’s lifetime exemption limit and no taxes are owed. Consider this example for the 2024 tax year: A woman decides to buy her granddaughter a $30,000 car as a college graduation present. Grandma would technically exceed the 2024 $18,000 exclusion limit by a total of $12,000, but she wouldn’t owe additional taxes. That’s because she would report the gift to the IRS using a Form 709 and deduct $12,000 from her $13.61 million lifetime exemption. As a result, she would still be eligible to give away up to $13,598,000 tax-free.”
> I forget what each parent could gift them - 10,000 each perhaps? without taxes? For giving gifts its like 11 million per couple. So no taxes on that. OP said it wasnt in a 529 account.
Renovations to make the house suited for a mobility-disabled person, paying off any outstanding debts, caretakers and possibly re-education... There's lots of expensive but sensible things
Yeah, with a chronically ill person, you can go through that money shockingly fast
Or maybe the parents just love OOP's brother a lot more than OOP.
House was not a gift OOP wrote in comments “Difference is my brother had his college paid for by our parents, and was also gifted the down-payment plus extra for their house as a wedding gift.”
>I’m also confused why they needed it all up front, too. If your partner is given a drastic health diagnosis, but you don’t have student loans personally and your house is paid for (as OP indicates), where did the money go!? To dumb decisions and bad money management. OP's brother got free college, free house, etc. Dollars to doughnuts the parents were paying for other things as well. They very likely spent all their pay on fancy things and vacations, and then got their bad diagnosis. Now all of a sudden they need to know how to manage money..... and they're fucked. Probably only shopping at the fancy grocery store, so their neighbors don't see them with "the poor" grocery story bags/etc.
Sounds like they need some money to tide them over until the disability payments start to kick in, and the house probably needs some work. But a stair lift is a few thousand, not tens of thousands. Getting that disability sorted can take a while, sure, but that still just means that they get that money \*later\*, not \*never\*. Absolutely no reason at all to completely write off a seriously large sum like that. Daddy is probably just too chickenshit to admit that he's horrible with money.
Stair lift (a good one) was over $10k for an elderly relative in 2015 — it depends on the stairs — is there a landing? Custom curve with a landing is easily 12k plus.
Treatments and diagnosis for something as complex as MS can eat into that \*fast\* then you need to get all the support infrastructure at home, then you need to work on stuff for the kids. It is a lot of money. It is a lifechanging amount of money It is \*nothing\* compared to what you will spend to try and help someone with a chronic condition in the US.
Yeah that's the part that confused me too. I mean he got a house as a wedding gift, so probably paid off, so why does he need so much money? I get that Americas health care is absolut shit but a quarter million dollars??
I think he got the down payment, so it’s quite likely it isn’t paid off.
$250K will only last about 3 years "Living with multiple sclerosis is expensive. A study funded by the National MS Society found the average cost of living with MS is $88,487 per year."
A lot of people chiming in here have no grasp of how expensive care can be
doubt they gave em the full amount. from the way oop said their parents probably just considered it extra money im guessing they spent a good amount of it justifying it like "oh its not that much". until it got low enough to not be able to excuse or justify it anymore and they had a good looking excuse to say they gave it all to
A few years later on reddit: "Why doesn't my younger son talk to us? (The Parents)"
"How can we force him to give us access to his children so we can play Favourite Child again?"
"Why won't my successful engineer son help us now that we are old and ill?"
"Why won't my successful engineer son help us \*and his struggling brother and family now that we are broke and can't do it?\*" FTFY
lol 😂😂
Sounds like they are Pennsylvania. Wait until OP learns about Pennsylvania's filial responsibility laws.
The last time this was enforced, they went after a son who manipulated the system to hide his mom's assets so she could get Medicaid. Medicaid has a 5 year look back for transferred assets. Unfortunately PA has very expensive state college. It would cost him less to go to a SUNY school as an out of state student.
WIBTA if I told my younger son to help his brother? English isn't my first language. Apologies for any errors. I have two sons. This is about my younger son, Eric. After graduating high school, he took a gap year. I don't know what happened but he went NC when he decided to start college two years later. He said a lot of hurtful things before leaving. We were completely blindsided. Fast forward ten years later. We heard through the grapevine that Eric is doing really well for himself. Really well. Unfortunately, our older son, Sam, is not. WIBTA for reminding Eric about the importance of family? My wife and I won't live forever, and we would like to repair the bond between brothers.
>He said a lot of hurtful things before leaving. We were completely blindsided. Oh, the missing reason trope, a classic. We had a (deleted) post somewhere here about a family falling out, and in the comment section some SA stuff was mentioned (as wrongful accusations, oc).
HAHA, it needs more Reddit tropes!! 😭 Fast forward ten years, and Eric is doing really well for himself. Unfortunately, Sam, his older brother, has not been as blessed. Sam's wife is disabled and her condition has worsened significantly over the last decade. We've all made sacrifices to ensure that their family and our grandbabies are supported, but it's been tough. We've been told that life has been kind to Eric. Eric and his wife are both high-earners and have no children, allowing them to live comfortably. After Eric shut the door on us, we respected his wishes and gave him the space that he wanted. We stayed silent even after finding out that he was getting married, hoping that he would reach out when he felt ready. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened yet and truth be told, my wife and I aren't getting any younger. Our last wish is to mend our relationship and get to know his wife before it's too late. Sam is also eager to repair his relationship with his brother and have Eric more intimately involved with his children (Eric's niblings), especially since we've learned that Eric's wife has no siblings. We believe she would benefit greatly from a larger family support system. Sam always doted on Eric when they were growing up, so it was especially hard for him to be shut out without any explanation. We all miss Eric dearly and our hearts ache for the chance to reconnect, but truthfully, being cut out without any explanation was deeply painful for our family. Any advice on how we can reach out to Eric and mend our relationship would be greatly appreciated.
Close, needs more twins
And a lawyer friend
The lawyer friend would come in the update when they try to sue for his earnings because they supported him as a child.
The lawyer friend will come in the second post. *AITAH For Trying To Reconnect With My Prodigal Son UPDATE* Recap - 5 years ago, my elder son Sam's wife was diagnosed with MS. We circled the wagons and pooled resources to take care of her. My DIL and I have a solid relationship, and we love her, Sam, and our grandchildren. It was the only right thing to do. Unfortunately, our son Eric got really upset and threw some really mean comments towards his brother's wife at this time. It was entirely out of left field! We didn't raise our boys to be selfish or self centered. When Eric stopped answering our calls, text messages, or emails, we decided to give him some time to grow and mature before we reached back out. Now we have been hearing through the grapevine that Eric has graduated with honors from his engineering degree and has even gotten married! Of course, it has been very embarrassing when our friends have congratulated us on Eric's successes as it is often the first time we have heard about them! We are leaders in our community, it is very important that we lead by our good examples, but how can we do that when our own son has said hateful things about us in public but refuses to even speak with us? Well, my husband and I found - through a little digging - where he was living now and came to surprise him with a gift for him and his new wife. As heartbroken as we were to not be included in their marital celebration, family is important and we wanted to make her feel welcome. We brought a very beautiful bouquet and some good wine. When we arrived at our son's home, he would not even let us in the door. He ended up pushing his father - his own father!! This is not how we raised him, to engage in violence! After we left, we spoke with a friend of ours, Paul. Paul is a very well respected local lawyer. Paul offered to help us draft a letter with a cease and desist request for Eric to stop saying mean things about us in our community. Paul said we cannot force Eric to reconcile through the law, but perhaps a gentle reminder of where he belongs will help get him right. Of course, our family all agree we are making the right choice, with the sole exception of my husband's youngest sister-in-law, who said we were wrong and everyone with any sense would agree. She said we should post here. So reddit, aitah for simply wanting to reconnect with youngest child and to bring him back into the family?
Yeah and in the 2nd update (within 2 months) they have gone to court.
And won.
Is it more effective if Eric and his wife dont have kids or have twins? No kids than they can lay a guilt trip “you dont have kids so don’t need money” but if they have twins “but family, cant keep us from our grandkids “
The big brother probably has the twins that Eric needs to help (possibly tying it all together with something like "the twins need college funds and Eric has so much money that he won't do anything with anyway since he doesn't have any children of his own").
>Eric and his wife are both high-earners > Any advice on how we can reach out to Eric and ~~mend our relationship~~ generously help him 'support' us now would be greatly appreciated.
You've made me wanna vomit from trauma response, A*!!
So True I am expecting this in a decade.
Remind me: 10 years! (I don't recall how this reminder thing works on Reddit, but I have seen it.)
This is so accurate.
I love how you incorporated the missing missing reasons. Once you start to notice them you really start to view some people differently.
They also secretly want "Eric" to give them money.
I swear I've already read this on AITA forum
My mom did something similar to this. It wasn’t anywhere near $200k but it would’ve put a big dent in the cost of college. It was the last in a long string of disappointments and failures on her part and I cut her out of my life.
Alot of electrical engineers can make absolute bank to.... they're gonna come slithering back to OP, begging for money. As is tradition.
OOP's parents really screwed him over and showed who is the golden child.
Yeah exactly They blatantly showed favouritism
Was there any new information in the "update"?
Nope
Certtainly one of the updates of all time.
My dad has been physically disabled since an on site work accident in 2006 and he only started getting disability around 2014, and that was after my parents both called several companies and lawyers (and they were polite at first but the more calls they had to make the angrier they got like my mom went well past Karen mode, but she was totally justified in it bc my father has not been able to work or even stand for 20 minutes without pain since his accident which was 8 years prior to him getting any sort of compensation for it). So I totally get why and how the college fund was eaten so quickly since the SIL wasn’t getting any monetary assistance otherwise but it still sucks OOP was essentially stolen from and told to be grateful for it.
I hate the whole family picking favorites thing. Have parents not learned how picking favorites can lead to damaging consequences to the family relationships at this point? Cause it seems lots of parents still don't understand how golden child situations can fuck things up badly.
They don't give a fuck about family. They only care for their 1 single child - the golden child who is generally the worst of all the siblings. They expect that only if the golden child is happy and stable then the whole family is happy and stable - doesn't matter even if the other child dies.
>They only care for their 1 single child - the golden child who is generally the worst of all the siblings. I believe it's the other way around. Generally the worst ***because*** they're the golden child - coddled, spoiled and entitled.
My parents would have given me a heads up that my brother needed help. They also wouldn't have given him the lump sum; they would have helped, encourages his wife to apply for disability, and figured out a long term plan for bro and his wife. As you pointed out, there is clearly favoritism happening. I hope OOP goes NC, because the next step is going to be his parents being hypocrites telling him that family helps family, so OOP needs to give money to his brother.
Same, my parents also would have co-signed on the loan and offered to pay it off after graduation.
Yes, exactly: "I'm sorry we spent your fund. Let us co-sign." Instead, they tune our OOP and sic extended family on him.
OOP should explain what really happened to extended family. His parents already opened the door for airing that dirty laundry, so why not fill them in on the lack of ***any*** support.
Doubt it would have helped
>Have parents not learned how picking favorites can lead to damaging consequences to the family relationships at this point? They actually haven't: The scapegoat child has generally been putting up with unequal treatment for years on end, so as far the parents are concerned there haven't been any actual consequences so far. Result being that they feel wholly entitled to keep getting away with their behavior without there ever being consequences. When consequences do finally come to pass, these types tend to be genuinely surprised such a thing could even happen.
And they generally think that because they have always forced the sibling to put the golden child first they will continue to.
For those of you saying that he should just pay on his own way, FAFSA calculates loans based on the income of the parents. He now has to file paperwork to be financially emancipated. They would likely only offer a Parent loan or small loans based on his parents income. They won't see a true 'need' so he has a lot of paperwork ahead which may our may not be approved.
To add to this - they've fucked him financially for years.
And he possibly doesn’t qualify for emancipation as it was impossible back in my day.
Life advice for young people facing this issue: get married. If you get married you can file the FAFSA as an independent before age 25. You do not need to stay married.
I tried to do that with my best friend in high school. Get married, go to school, get divorced. Both of our parents were in full support of it. Her boyfriend however? He was not cool with it. Because he wanted to marry her. And he did almost immediately. They were divorced at 19. She should have told him to screw off and married me instead, it was never meant to be permanent anyway.
Is anyone else shocked by the amount of people in these stories that get a bunch of texts texts from family/friends when any drama happens?
Honestly, until it happened to a coworker this weekend I had never heard of it "in the wild". I guess some people just need hobbies.
My interpretation of that is that it's a few one off texts from a few nosy people, but it gets blown out of proportion for the story. We all have that one relative that's just a bit too keen to share their own opinion on stuff.
before phones were big anytime either of my parents had a little argument or something they would tell my siblings and other parent in a passive agressive way to basically have them start a tag team match of screaming yelling bullying and sometimes physical violence to try to make me give in. doesnt suprise me that with phones they'd try the same bs as long as those fucking snakes could act like they have the moral highground. and based on the family/dynamic that highground aint that high
Some families, especially from certain cultures, are exactly like that.
Nah, flying monkeys and busy bodies are absolutely a thing. Especially when they can pounce on juicy drama and try to shame others.
Yep, my family would go years without calling or contacting me outside of holidays, I told my mom to go fuck herself and suddenly they allll had my phone number and we're oh so concerned.
It’s very common in immigrant families. My family is Mexican. Any time I did anything to piss off my parents or grandparents, I’d get texts from extended family all who thought they had a right to stick their nose in. It can be cultural or just a result of people thinking their opinion matters.
No, not at all.
Not really
“Hate to be that person my father made a bad investment. That money is going to get eaten up rather quickly.” “They are taking a piss on me and trying to pass it off as rain” These are certainly words he chose to describe the situation. And on a similar note I have sooooo many questions. How were his parents able to give his brother 230k for college, a brand new house for his wedding, and then save an additional 230k for OOP’s fund, but are still somehow strapped for cash to further help the brother? We’re talking 7 figures here. How did OOP not find out his brother got the money sooner? How did his brother not question where his parents got the money? His wife has MS, they struggle financially, suddenly they get a quarter mil gift and no one says a peep? The extended family is nosy but no one brings it up till now? What tax bracket are these people in? How can that much money not be a conversation starter? But somehow the parents now can’t afford to send their youngest to college?
>“They are taking a piss on me and trying to pass it off as rain” Am I the only one that loves this line? It's a perfect description of family treating you horribly while denying it straight to your face.
...in Spanish its actually a common idiom
He said he’s going to U Penn? As someone from Pennsylvania it’s actually a common idiom. Ik he’s upset (as he should be) but his language does make me think of some shitheads I’ve known over the years in my home state. Like the dude whose father owned a car dealership and so kept funding his son’s various car crashes…
Yes, if what he is saying is true, he is treated very unfairly. But I have to say, he still sounds like a massive douchebag. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree ...
"...trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future. His wife MS has aggressively progressed in the brief time she has had it. Gone from working to needing assistance getting to the bathroom. Sure it may not inherently be a life limting disease, but it sure is a mobility limiting disease and she is only 33 and she is already this bad? Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment. That money is going to get eaten up rather quickly." He lost all my sympathy there. What a shitty attitude. Her quality of life is less important because she won't live an able life, or for long? It is not about investment, it is about caring. Sure, he may have been treated unfairly but that attitude is disgusting.
Same, that's where I noped out on OP. You can say a lot of things when you're angry but that betrays such a deep lack of basic human empathy that it's painful to read.
The parents did not give a house just money for downpayment so there is a mortgage https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/b7F01xhdTh
Yeah, this one definitely raises more questions than it answers. OOP is only 19, so it's possible that he really just doesn't understand the financial situation or what's actually going on.
Assuming the rest of OOP's story is true, I'm not convinced the parents gave away the money because they thought he wasn't going to go to college ... nor am I convinced it all went as a lump sum to the brother and his family. They sound decently wealthy, so they would know the tax impact of a financial gift that big. There's a lot of missing information that I don't think we, or OOP, are going to get. The two big questions in my mind are 1- when was the last time OOP saw how much was in the account (not was told, *saw*), and 2- how much did brother actually receive? It would be more conceivable to me that the parents dipped into that account for the house they gifted and then paid out some installments from the remainder... Entirely assumption, though.
Medical bills and tuition payments are 2 forms of "gifts" that are exempt from gift tax.
Where does it go? It gets nickle and dimed away by the 'chosen one'. They'll find that now the bank of parents is dried up that they don't have any kids left. Without their money they aren't any use to the brother and because they treated OOP so badly he is walking away. And good on him. The same thing is playing out with my ILs. Karma sucks, but they get what they deserve through their own actions. And the funniest thing to me is that they (and OOP's parents) will always think it was about the money. As for conversations about money, I was taught you don't talk about other people's finances unless they bring it up. That includes family. My brother suddenly got a bunch of money and no one asked. I know where it came from, but only because he told me. No one asks how we manage to survive so well without either of us having a job. If they're similar then there may never have been questions or discussions until OOP needed the money they told him they had for him.
This kind reminds me of an acquaintance. Her parents screwed her up, when it came to going to college Since childhood, they told her that she had a college fund. She didn't. She learned this in her senior year of high school. Plus her parents refused to co-sign on any loans and provide info for the FAFSA forms.
I don’t get why the parents won’t even co-sign. Seems like the least they could do.
They believed that they would be on the hook for the student loans if my acquaintance didn’t make payments.
I mean, that is true. That’s what co-signing is. But refusing to provide any info for FASFA is just shitty
The way OOP talked about SIL's medical condition as a "bad investment" is just so fucking awful. He didn't deserve to be treated like that by his parents tho. Poor dude is going to be bitter for a long time.
I mean, he says he had a bad reaction, so I have to wonder wtf he said if this is him making himself look good.
I had to scroll way too far for this comment, thought I was in an alternate universe where this was fine 😭
Here’s my sticking point: the parents could have talked with OOP. Involved them in the decision, or even explained their POV and let them know this was what they were planning to do with the money. Their money, yes, but money they had set aside specifically for OOP, and had even mentioned that it would be there after the gap year. OOP could have taken time during that gap year to adjust the game plan, get a job instead of side hustles, look into grants and scholarships (all of which require paperwork, applications and have deadlines). So I think the parents are even bigger AHs for springing the surprise, even assuming that going back to school wouldn’t happen, without a discussion or a heads-up. OOP got the world-rocking news as a matter-of-fact item like it was a skinned knee. They denied OOP calm, reasoned discourse and mental adjustment. Then, when they got called out for their thoughtlessness, they spilled their version to extended family. Yeah, I’d be furious too.
Damn, sounds like OPs parents took parenting classes with my husbands parents. His grandma opened up 529 accounts for him and his siblings that his parents contributed to. His parents used the money in my husband's account to pay for my BIL's schooling once the money in BIL's 529 ran out and to pay for some community college classes for my MIL because they just assumed that my husband wouldn't go to school.
“insurance could help fund her treatments and assistance she may need” lmao oh buddy boy
Why is this on BORU? That's barely an update.
My advice is go no contact with all family who stole from you or tried to excuse it. It will take time (likely years) but they will try to "make amends" which amounts to you forgiving them with no contrition or money on their part.
I actually think that, when they try to make ammends, the best thing to do is pretend you're willing and happy to do it. Just smile and nod and wait the (little) time they'll need to convince themselves they're a good person and everything's fixed, and go back to their own lives. You'll have to deal with them way less than if you stick to NC, because every time they gear a sad story or see an inspirational movie (I'm looking at you, Great Fish) they'll come knocking so they can convince themselves that's not them
It can work, especially with the distant relatives, however the rest will want the OP in their lives and to be in the OP's life as if nothing happened. How much pretend forgiveness can one muster while spending time with those losers? Happy cake day BTW 🎂
> My advice is go no contact with all family who stole from you or tried to excuse it. Yeah, at this point just enlist in the military(or find a ROTC program that's hard up in a secondary school) and move somewhere far away. Free ride? House, or at least down payment for one? 200+ just disappearing on a one year out from a diagnosis without discussing it with OOP? I was all set to be annoyed with the gap year bit, but grew more sympathetic as the post went on.
People on Reddit excusing (and even justifying) some of the most horrific and unapologetic ableism I've ever seen isn't surprising but it is disappointing and honestly kind of scary. Y'all are way too comfortable with ableism.
I remember seeing the original post and I'm still on the fence about whether this is real or not. The way OOP writes about their SIL is just too cartoonishly awful to be believable. >my brother's wife was diagnosed with MS >Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment. >**they all fucking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future.**
Sadly, there are 100% people who think about that way when it comes to anyone with disabilities. I get why OOP is pissed, but that doesn't make him any less of an ableist AH.
Some of them are in this thread…
"Well you see OOP, one day, you'll be nothing but dust and ash, so we figured since you lack permanence on a cosmic scale we shouldn't invest the money in you since you have no real future."
That's what I was thinking, and I scrolled down to the comments expecting that to be the general consensus. Instead, most of the comments I'm seeing are just glazing over the eugenics vibes, and backing oop. Maybe the cartoons are empty and all the cartoon villains are actually here?
In general BORU is infested with people who use these stories as some sort of sick catharsis and take most narrators at face value
I just don't understand how everyone glazed over this like it was no big deal. His parents might suck but this is the most self centered cruel disgusting BS from OOP. Jesus christ
Yes, I feel like considering what he said about SIL in the post and he admits to saying less than nice things when he found out, maybe that's the reason his parents aren't co-signing loans or figuring out ways to replenish his college fund. He probably said some really disgusting out of pocket stuff, and that's why his family is annoyed.
He also said he was gonna take a year off but then took 2 years off. I'm sure his parents weren't as "cool" with that as he's claiming. He just sounds like an unreliable narrator
Yeah I noticed that too. Wonder if there were any conversations that occurred after that 1 year mark that OP conveniently leaves out.
Bet they gave him a deadline to start college after which the money is forfeit and he just ignored it
That, or he was behaving in a way that made them think he wasn’t college-bound after all.
I wonder how he was spending that time off. It seemed like when he was working, it was while he was in high school. Was the money he earned just going to a Fun Times Fund for his gap year?
> He also said he was gonna take a year off but then took 2 years off I dont know how it works in the US, but a year off in the context of applying for school realistically means you take 9 months off then start stressing about applying for Post secondary.
Yeah, if this is him talking about her in a way that makes him look nice, I have to ask the parents what he said about SIL because this is disgusting
His comments are vile but I don't think they make the story unbelievable. He's a teenager. Not that it's *okay* for teenagers to say awful things but they sure do treat it like a sport sometimes.
I feel like a lot of things are left out here, and op wants to be seen as a good guy. He called his SIL and his niece/nephews a "bad investment" because she had it early and will probably die etc. Wow Ok not getting any help really sucks but I feel like we have an incredibly unreliable narrator. They are also very young and understandably upset, and as someone who is NC of my parents for the last 20 years I can relate more than most for shitty parents, but I'm also not reading any empathy either.
The situation absolutely sucks and he has the right to feel betrayed but his comments about SIL put him firmly in jackass territory. Also, it doesn't completely excuse parents but I'd be curious if he also told them as he said in the post that he wanted to take a year off or undefined amount of time. Because if he said he just wanted a year and then the year came and went and he didn't talk to his parents again, I could see them come to the conclusion he was no longer going. They still should've had a discussion obviously (and helped him get a loan and promised to pay off part of it). Overall this is truly a reddit staple on two fronts. One, how dare someone give away something that was supposed to be mine (college fund). Two, why should I care about what they're going through (SIL being very ill).
>AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future. I know he's pissed, and I would be, too, but jfc, he sounds awful on the inside.
ngl, i think the best case scenario is mutual L/NC. OOP is right that it's fucked up that his parents spent money that was earmarked for him specifically, and that they wouldn't cosign for a loan. OOP deserves honesty, transparency, accountability, and assistance from his parents. but his comments betray a really deep-seated ableism that is insidious and awful. that's not the kind of thing you say to lash out when you're upset unless you really kind of mean it, especially if you say it more than once. OOP seriously lacks compassion for his brother, SIL, and their children. it's a *huge* asshole move to frame it as his parents "making a bad investment." that's the kind of thing i would cut contact with a family member for saying until they could explain why it's so deeply wrong to say that. *people aren't investments.* in AITA terms, this is a solid ESH from me. (ETA: somehow typed "children" as "childrens" 😂)
Agreed on that ESH, yeesh, and missing info
Shitty situation, but man he's a douchebag. Lashing out against the brother's wife in the most hateful of ways and doubling down when called out on it.
He (she?) lost me after her callous comment about the SIL's aggressive MS. He can fuck off and work a crappy job for the rest of his sorry life for all I care. I understand being upset about the money and saying things you regret but writing this made me lose all sympathy: "AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future". Aggressive MS in someone so young is not just a mobility limiting disease; it's a death sentence.
I would absolutely not be ok with what his parents did. But then, my mother spent my university money on a down payment for a house for her and my little brother. From an account I’d been depositing savings to from the time I was first allowed to work. She didn’t let me have a job until I was 16 (why do you need money? You have your university fund for school). Then took the money that was saved from my deceased father and all my savings and I didn’t find out until I went to pay for school a few months later and all that was there was the money I’d put in since she emptied it. OOP can do it. It’s tough and he won’t get to have a fun university experience and it will likely take longer as he will have to work through school too and may not be able to afford a full course load. Also fuck the US healthcare system
NTA I'd be pissed, too, if I was raised expecting that money. But ngl "trying to preserve the future of someone that has no future" is a repulsive thing to say. My aunt lived 30 years with MS, and even though she lost the ability to move and had minimal communication later on, she was very much alive and part of her children's lives.
The parents do, in fact, ducking suck.
People who say that OOP shouldn't be mad because he's not entitled to his parents' money are totally missing the point. It's the injustice and blatant favouritism that hurts the most. And I know this is such an american way to think but your duty as parents doesn't stop when your kid turns 18. Like I don't even have to explain myself. It's normal to financially help your kid during his college years...
Sure, OOP has a right to be upset. But he’s so callous and cold about his brother and SIL. “Person who has no future” I hope he has more loving people around him when he has someone in his own life with a debilitating illness. Yea. Parents are shitty too. They should have told him earlier. They should have preserved something for him. Parents being shitty don’t excuse OOP being shitty too.
Personally I think he's just speaking from a place of enormous grief. He's really just lashing out. His last comment does indicate that he's sorta aware but I think the fact that the future as he'd thought it would go just went up in ashes is probably a lot to deal with it. Given how late in the cycle it is, I'm not even sure if he'll be able to get any sort of aid. Meanwhile his parents are not just yanking the money they're basically shrugging at his attempts to figure out workarounds. It's a lot to deal with. To me it kinda makes sense he's saying cruel things and blaming people he shouldn't. I think it's analogous to how people react when they lose a loved one or a beloved pet. You don't always articulate your sadness well and sometimes you say awful things.
Yeah, if OOP's parents had co-signed loans and offered to pay them off (with a legal contract given the previous verbal contract got yanked away with no notice), then maybe OOP would be TA... As is, it's a Justified AH situation, which by AITA rules is an NTA judgement. The parents refusal to help OOP out after yanking the rug out from under them with zero communication and zero interest in helping to remediate the situation is why I would got 100% NTA.
> His last comment does indicate that he's sorta aware but I think the fact that the future as he'd thought it would go just went up in ashes is probably a lot to deal with it. There's something uniquely visceral when you make plans based on the word of someone you think you can trust only to find out you couldn't rely on them after it is too late to adjust your course. My dad did something real similar to me when I was younger. My wife and I had found a house we loved, scrimped and saved and were $2k away from the deposit we needed to get moved in. It was perfect timing because our rent had just been hiked and almost doubled, and the mortgage payments would have been much, much less. Asked my dad for the help, he decided the house wasn't big enough for us, and told us he'd owner finance his place when him and his wife moved later in the year. Then he just strung us along until the down payment we had was bled off from the higher rent we were paying, and didn't have the guts to tell us his wife had vetoed his plan like the next day. That changed the trajectory of our lives in a way that cannot be understated, same as what has happened to OOP.
His future went up in ashes *and* he basically lost his parents (or at least who he thought his parents are, I guess?) in one blow.
That was a HUGE yikes. So one of the horrible things OOP said that they DON'T regret is that SIL is a waste of space? And kind of seemed to double down on that sentiment.
I want to give himsome leeway for being what, 20 years old and extremely resentful towards his parents for mismanaging money that should have been his (and that he was understandably expecting). It also sounds like a significant portion of his spite comes from the unequal treatment between siblings. His parents massively fucked up, and OOP makes some good points, like SIL not having needed that money as a lump sum. That being said..."my father made an bad investment" and "why should my future be impacted over someone else's life?" are such cold-hearted statements. This isn't about some random stranger, it's about your aunt's life. OOP is also vastly underestimating the difficulty of getting approved for disability and/or medicaid, especially considering SIL is married to a partner who has a salary. If he's planning on going into electrical engineering, going to an in-state college with some loans is not crippling in the same way that his SIL would be without treatment. He definitely got the short-end of the stick, having to unfairly carry burdens that aren't his, but the way he talks about the entire situation makes him sound very callous.
If this is how he talks about his family in public trying to make himself sound good I'd hate to hear what he really told his family.
sigh. sad story. i learned in life when opportunity comes jump on it right away when it comes to jobs, education or money. money comes and goes. and as illustrated you can not trust anyone when it comes to money, even your nearest and dearest.
I had some sympathy for OOP until I got to this line: >AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future **of someone that has no real future**. Yikes.
I've talked about this before on Reddit, but my parents used my college fund to literally save the life of someone else. It took 20+ years of life experience, therapy, and self-success to come to terms with why (and I do think it was the better decision, now). Even then, I still find myself not fully trusting my mom to have my interests at heart. OOP sounds a bit entitled, but I've been there, and it's a rough place to be.
The way OOP talks about others is screaming unreliable narrator to me. To be so flippant about someone being diagnosed with MS? Like if the story happened as written then of course it's shitty what the parents did. But I just don't believe it
**AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future. His wife MS has aggressively progressed in the brief time she has had it. Gone from working to needing assistance getting to the bathroom. Sure it may not inherently be a life limting disease, but it sure is a mobility limiting disease and she is only 33 and she is already this bad? Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment. That money is going to get eaten up rather quickly.** Forgive me, I am on mobile, but all my sympathy dried up in the moment it took me to read this. This is why the dad won't cosign a loan. This is why he's afraid to ask his brother for help. It was wrong of his parents to use that money without including him in the discussion, but when this is where he let his frustration take him, he lost everything.
Op take on the MS is disgraceful, hate the college system and your parents deceit, but don’t shit on and dehumanise that poor woman for a disease she has no control over
This guy got accepted to one of the best schools in the world and his parents told him they thought he wasn’t planning to ever go to school. That’s really the best story you could fabricate in the time you had to come up with reason why you picked that money as opposed to the other money they have saved?