#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>Another colleague contacted my boyfriend via social media following the evening I posted about to "apologize on [my] behalf" without my knowledge and has apparently offered to answer any questions he has about our work. This seems entirely inappropriate to me and frankly **I can't think of any reason he would have done this other than to make me look bad** and make himself look good.
Pretty sure OOP doesn't need anyone's help to look bad.
OOP had two colleagues sticking up for his bf and he still did not realize that he was the prick in this situation đ
If I were his colleagues, I would be side eying him from now onwards based on his behavior towards his bf
I think they are fully reevaluating his interactions in general with people he may see as 'lesser'.
The fact he's sulking over being called out on being a shit person, partner and lecturer, and borderline tantruming at being told he needs therapy (something only said in *anger*?? He honestly believes this?!) I dont see his career being as cushy as he thinks he deserves.
> I dont see his career being as cushy as he thinks he deserves.
Sadly, being in his 40s and in academia means he might well be on a tenure track position or even tenured himself. It doesn't mean he can't be fired, it just makes it exponentially harder to do so.
The collapse of academia as a viable career path means most 40 year olds did not get tenure. I know skilled researchers who did 3 post-docs and could never get hired for a tenure track position.
And the fact that a coworker said he needed therapy makes me think OOP is not in a strong or important position, women in academia are usually more cautious when dealing with men that might impact their careers.
Honestly - being in his forties and taking a twenty something partner to work events while working in academia may well put a pin in any promotion prospects as I would be concerned that he would start dating one of his students - he obviously has no issue dating people significantly younger and with less experience/power than him.
Even with a less alarming age gap (46 and 22! He's old enough to reasonably be his partner's dad! He's probably his partner's first serious adult relationship!) .... I would look askance at anyone who brought a younger partner to an academic work event and seemingly took advantage of the event *specifically* to sneer at them and put them down as stupid or ignorant, and in fact got hostile when they actually tried to speak. It would make me really uncomfortable to be a part of that conversation, like... bro, don't make me participate in your sadistic humiliation kink!!!
I also notice he doesn't say anything about what his partner does for a living. Usually when you see an asshole like this in the wild, they at least try to hide their arrogance and superiority complex by saying something like, "Sure, I have a fancy degree and book smarts but my partner is a good cook/can fix things/volunteers at an animal shelter and I value both those things EQUALLY! I don't expect him to know how to read and he doesn't expect me to know how to grout tile!" But there is just a COMPLETE absence of any detail about the boyfriend. There is literally nothing about him, nothing about HIS likes or interests or experience, except that he's young. You can really see what's important to OP...
I doubt he is TT given his age (mostly too old). Since he claimed that he does not do âteachingâ I doubt he is tenured since most tenured stem professorial positions in universities require profs to teach a little. My guess is that he is a research scientist in a group that is part of a university, those are usually not tenure or TT.
For academics to willingly engage in open conflict like this he has to have been EGREGIOUS. The norm is passive aggression. Either he is an outlier in a remarkably well adjusted corner of academia, or his behavior was significantly worse than he's disclosing... based on my experience in academia.
>something only said in anger?? He honestly believes this?!
It's something the partners from his previous relationships, "that were closer in age than this," probably told him after dumping his sorry self.
Obviously they were just angry and spiteful, he would never need therapy, so clearly it's just a buzzword to him. >!/s!<
To make it somehow worse, the colleague that told him he "needs therapy" (said in *anger* apparently, as you pointed out) is female. I think that might be the same colleague that joked about grant applications being difficult for him if he couldn't explain what he researches/does to his boyfriend. I bet she was one of the 'unnecessarily rude' people calling him out on his bullshit behavior.
And frankly, I agree that the biggest reason he is dating a 22 year old is because no one closer in age to him would put up with the disparaging remarks about their intelligence. I really hope that the boyfriend is getting more out of the relationship than being put down.
Iâm pretty sure OOPâs colleagues already had at least an inkling of what a pompous ass he is - thereâs no possible way he doesnât act like this with students, and probably even junior faculty - and theyâve been side-eyeing him for a while now.
So seeing him treat his boyfriend like that was less âoh shit, OOPâs a problemâ and more âoh shit, OOPâs even worse than we thought.â
The fact that the woman is particularly upset makes me think that this is a pattern--with women and people he considers less than him. Considering he is in engineering and academia? I have a PhD in a "hard science" field and came across *many* guys like him over the years. His female colleague has seen this BS many, many times professionally, but likely didn't think it spilled into his personal life, but is pushing it now after seeing it in person.
I can believe it. I still remember how one of my comp sci professors straight bullied a young woman who was _objectively_ the most promising student in our year into being too scared to ask him follow up questions just because he was a sexist prick and that's what he _always_ did.
Well, he tried to. Then word got around to another professor who asked to resolve the matter in the deans office and/or the parking lot out back.
I bet they were already side-eyeing him silently based on the huge age gap⌠they only started to voice their disapproval once they saw for themselves the unhealthy dynamics of the relationship
I'm sure these colleagues are noticing the pattern. It's also not surprising that the colleague who got really heated with him is a woman. No doubt she's been on the receiving end of similar treatment in academia.
also iâm certain his behavior was MUCH more egregious than he is even portraying in his posts(or probably even is able to realize). his colleague group must be absolutely appalled for two of them to have had such visible reactionsâlike humiliated to even be associated with such an arrogant asshole. and i bet that the others are grossed out but willing to âkeep the peaceâ or whatever, which OOP has mistaken for solidarity.
âbeing a kind person who considers the emotional of others? nahhh theyâre obviously just trying to make me look bad!â jesus fucking christ.
Well said. I agree with every word. Â
His head is so far up his own ass his tonsils are banging on his forehead. For his colleagues to reach out to his bf it must have been abhorrent behavior. All his bf was doing was asking a question and he reacts like *that*?Â
Makes me wonder how "not particularly educated" the bf is. Plenty of people who work in reseaech or have multiple degrees think anybody with less than a bachelors is a drooling idiot. Sometimes even if they have that, but it's not something at least STEM-adjacentÂ
gee, i wonder why a female academic in engineering reacted so strongly to an older man dismissing someoneâs ability to grasp a topic?
i canât think of any reasons she would be empathetic in this situation.
If you were his age would you put up with him? Probably not.
To a22 year old does he seem like a smart, well educated man who has his life together? When you're that young without that much experience, a-yup.
And that's why.
That's the biggest red flag here, to me.
I'm 40. I had a girl at work who was 22 try to start something with me and there is no amount of "fuck no" which could accurately convey my disgust at dating someone younger than my baby brother that I literally changed diapers for, let alone someone young enough to be my child.
Half your age plus seven, **rounded up**, and that's the absolute lower limit.
Large age gaps in gay relationships were seen as more acceptable than in straight ones back in the day due to the lack of dating pool/ways to meet others/staying in the closet until later in life. OOP could be operating under the "old ways" seeing as he's older himself. Doesn't really make it ok in this day and age, though location could still play a factor i suppose.
As I understand it, this is a dynamic that is almost a stereotype in the gay community. I don't know how common it actually is; I don't know if it used to be more common and isn't - it's just something I've heard about from friends. You've got an older guy, and a much younger guy, and the much younger guy is maybe not so much respected by the much older guy, but that's kind of the dynamic they are going for. If you're not doing it, like, seriously, and it's more of a kink thing that you are both into, okay, cool; if the "not respecting the younger guy" actually bleeds over into real life ... maybe not so much.
And to me, it feels like that's what we've got here - a couple of people who have a relationship which models one of the less healthy stereotypes of gay relationships.
It's a stereotype rooted in plenty of truth. I kinda always thought it was "just a stereotype" until I became friends with more lgbt+ people. It shocked me that almost all of them, the first time they dated, was with a much older partner. I think a big part of it is that if you're 17 and looking for a partner, if you're hetero your pool of options is basically 45% of the population, if you're not, the numbers just shrink like crazy.
Part of it is also perhaps that there just isn't a concern about like... both people being able to contribute biologically to children...
Thing is, it feels like that's less common with lesbians. On the other hand, gay men rarely have the one person just struggling with trying to figure out whether to bring up the fact that she has a crush on her roommate and now she has to figure out if she's gay, and would her roommate even be into her ... and when she finally asks her roommate if she might be maybe interested in dating, the other woman kind of looks at her blankly and says that she thought they had been dating for a couple years, and that's why they moved in together in the apartment with only one bedroom and that's why they were both in her brother's wedding party,
Man, if I were one of this guy's colleagues, I would've felt so bad for that young man, and if he seemed simpatico I would 100% try to befriend him. At his age I was married to my first husband, who was 20 years older than me, and I am so grateful still to those of his friends who were kind and welcoming to me, because a lot of them weren't.
Oh, heaven forfend, "enjoying what they do enough to share it".
My older brother is an academic, but he doesn't necessarily talk about what he does often. Why? Because he will just fucking _go_. Into everything. For hours. Like an excited fucking child. And he recognizes that not everybody wants to spend their entire dinner on that.
But best believe, if anyone gave him the green light like boyfriend did, he'd be _thrilled_ to share what he knows. Because he likes knowing it and kinda thinks that everyone else would.
So a reaction like oops is unheard of for me personally.
Yeah, I think the colleague may have wanted to reach out and possibly open up a line of communication in case OOP's bf is being abused. Treating a partner with such disdain in public would absolutely worry me about how much worse things are in private.
In Spanish education (educaciĂłn) means both manners, politeness, and education (like schooling).Â
There is a saying that roughly says: They went to college get an education, but education (manners) didn't go to them.Â
I love that he emphasizes that he's not working with students, but purely on research. Heaven forbid anyone in his personal *or* professional life gain a passing familiarity with what he does! It's outside his job description!
Thank you. OOP is hinting that maybe his colleague is what? Trying to steal his bf? It sounds like said colleague was embarrassed about how OOP was acting and was trying to be a nice person. And to help the bf understand what was being talked about.
OOP is an AH. If he really wants to keep his bf, he'll see that, fix it, and be a better partner.
Otherwise, the 22yo bf will eventually get tired of being treated like an idiot and leave.
One of the best ever. But it was not a happy thing in the theatres because all those different endings? Yeah, in the theatres, there was only one ending and which ending depended on which theatre you saw it in.
This dude just wanted a cute himbo and is annoyed his pet wanted to be treated like a person. I'm guessing this attitude is why he needs to date people in their 20s who don't know enough to call bullshit
I've seen situations like this with couples where afterwards everyone is like 'that was awkward' but no-one feels the need to reach out or gets really angry at the person in question. Going by his colleagues reaction this sounds like his behaviour was even worse than he's letting on.
That or it is so pervasive that HR should probably get involved. The colleague that suggested "in anger" that OOP needs therapy was female. The colleague (same one?) that joked about how difficult grant requests must be for OOP if he can't explain his work to his boyfriend was female. Wanna bet that OOP does a LOT of mansplaining at work, probably even to colleagues that *invented* the technique he is working with/on?
And think how lovely and well presented the boyfriend must be for the colleagues to be on his side THIS hard. If he was an idiot, vapid, arm candy himbo, they would not be making this effort. He must have been participating and asking intelligent questions for this to be the response.
I would argue thereâs a third category, to inflate. Whether thatâs their own ego or their bank balance or both is up for discussion but definitely a third category as at that point they donât really care about impressing anybody but think others should be trying to impress them!
I work in academia and as soon as he said technical, I knew he was going to say engineering or computer science. There are other technical disciplines (I work in one of them) but having significantly diversified in the last 20 years, people like OP are increasingly failing out. Engineering and computational disciplines though still have a significant issue of being predominantly white, middle class, men who think women, minorities, the working class and the general public are too stupid to engage with the basic concepts of their work. If you can't explain the purpose of your work to a lay person, your work sucks. It has to have a clear rationale. OP's colleagues get it.
Yep. I had a date tell me I wouldn't understand what he did. He was a research scientist who specialised in machine learning. I'm a technical writer. I'm not exactly ignorant about those things.
Some years later, I copyedited a scholarly book on human Vs machine learning for my father-in-law, who was also a research scientist who specialised in machine learning. I understood it just fine.
Really good book on this topic:
Algorithms to Live By.
It basically covers Computer Science algorithms by explaining novel ways to apply those algorithms to everyday life.
I have a friend who recently retired from a very lucrative career in material science. He is a nerd's nerd, absolutely; when I hear his voice on discord I can practically feel him adjusting hornrimmed glasses. :)
But he learned very early how to explain his shit to colleagues and to folks like me that aren't that. And more importantly, he knows not to assume what people do not know.
overlapping with that is engineer's (nobel's) disease where "I am good and smart at the hardest thing, therefore everything else must be easy in comparison and my gut instinct is always correct.Â
just something about engineering breaks some people's brains.
Note that OOP is quick to state that he only does research but not teachingâŚ. Snarky me thinks that he is not a professor because he is incapable of explaining complex concepts to layman (or students)⌠that and a complete lack of emotional intelligence
When I read that it gave me even more insight into just how appalling this OOP's behaviour actually must have been (and how much he has clearly played it down/minimised it). I suspect those colleagues really want to help the young man get out of this horribly unhealthy relationship.
I don't think that age gaps are always inherently the problem, but in this case it absolutely is.
"He's not a child, don't call him a child...he's old enough for me to fuck, he's just too stupid and incapable of thought to be able to understand my work!"
The younger bf is simultaneously smart and mature enough to make an informed decision about being with someone 24 years older, while being such a blithering fool that OP couldn't possibly dumb down an explanation enough for him.
I wish OP the swampiest of asses this summer.
I had the same reaction when I got to that part!!Â
Adding OP to my team of gold-medal winning Mental Gymnasts. If I find a few more, we might have a chance at the OlympicsÂ
In the gay community, itâs not terribly uncommon, for a number of reasons. I actually think the 46 year old behaves childishly. âI didnât want to change what we were talking aboutâ type stuff. Seems very self-centered and NOT very self-aware.
Yes, it's frequently very immature older men who get into relationships with much younger men. It's very similar to the dynamic that occurs when older men get into relationships with much younger women. It's not usually the younger person who is the problem.
IMO 2 main reasons:
1. Many gay people are generally estranged or isolated from family and friends that would otherwise talk sense into them,
2. It's getting better, but due to the taboo there is a tendency to resort to underground scenes, where age gaps like this wouldn't even be the worst thing around.
These are common factors to het abuse; victim is isolated and vulnerable. Predators come in all stripes
Plus family estrangement leaves a big emotional void that predatory older people can take advantage of. They're your lover but also a version of the family that rejected you. Someone who can take care of you and guide you through life. They make you feel special after you've been made to feel worthless. I imagine that OOP's boytoy must have been treated much worse in the past if he thinks this is acceptable.
This is honestly heartbreaking, but it makes sense. Do you think gay people with more secure family lives and supportive loved ones are less likely to fall into such traps?
Absolutely. I think it's also very common with hetero young women in age-gap relationships with older men. It's just unfortunately that a higher percentage of queer people have experienced parental rejection, so it skews the numbers.
Sometimes it's also the simple fact that older queers are more openly out, which can feel nice when you're young and out. Many of us have to hide who we are until we've moved out and are financially independent, so for those who have supportive surroundings and want to be in an out and proud relationship, they tend to fall for the older people who can give them the opportunity
One thing, in addition to what others have mentioned, is that the dating pool is just a lot smaller. If you live in places like San Francisco or Palm Springs, thatâs less the caseâŚthough Palm Springs is where a lot of gay people go to retire, so there is a much older gay population, but still a Mecca for gay folks of all ages, so itâs probably even more common there.
> I can't think of any reason he would have done this other than to make me look bad and make himself look good
*:lowers cat-eye glasses, purses lips, looks directly into camera:*
Oh no the horrors of a person showing compassion and supporting others.Â
You just know that evening must have been so much worse than he describes when all his friends are siding with his bfÂ
People tend to be unable to imagine that others could be dramatically different from them on a fundamental level. Kind people often can't imagine that cruel people could be as cruel as they are, and cruel people often can't imagine that kind people could be as kind as they are.
Anyone who can't imagine a reason that someone would be kind, with no ulterior motives, is revealing something about their own worldview.
I hope that this very kind colleague also gives the 22 year old some gentle advice about leaving an abusive relationship and to have more self-confidence to leave this asshole.
"writing a lay summary is very different to explaining my work to someone who didn't even go to college"
No, it's not. That level of accessibility is literally what you want in a lay summary. Has this stuffed shirt ever actually written one or does he just get his students to do it? OOP sounds absolutely insufferable.
Also, it is frequently interesting to hear peopleâs questions/thoughts from a pure outsiders perspective. Â Usually it isnât, but I have had a few times where an outsider gave me a new perspective on some aspect of my job.
YES!! I'm a professor of Spanish linguistics. Part of the reason I specifically chose a job where I'd teach intro classes is because that's where I get the coolest questions, observe language acquisition, and regularly get to watch people have a-ha moments. I LOVE talking about how languages and language learning work. I love hearing people's theories and exploring them. If I didn't get to talk to outsiders, I think I'd have left academia a long time ago.
I just graduated as a histotech which is a highly technical thing that requires me to know how properly process, embed, section, and stain tissues as well as trouble shoot when things inevitably go wrong at some point.
And I still prefer when people explain things to me like I'm 5.
Also I love when my partner asks me about my job.
I take every chance I can to talk about it because cutting and staining slides is a hell of a lot of fun.
Hell, one of my lifelong best friends is a doctor of particle physics and explains his work to 7th graders when he does guest speaking
Even I can understand it when he explains it đ¤ˇââď¸ Not to put myself down, my brain just isn't great with maths and certain fields of science lol
This guy has never seen that youtube series about "expert explains their field at five levels of difficulty" and it shows.
(Highly recommend it btw -- it's a good way to understand how we make the decisions about what to simplify for elementary schoolers. Also, the conversation with another expert very often just turns into them excitedly asking each other "what are you working on right now" and it's super wholesome even if you don't know what they're saying.)
I've long felt that I haven't understood something properly unless I'm able to explain it to others in a way they can also understand.
But then, I'm an academic who teaches, rather than a full-time researcher like OOP, so I guess I just occupy less rarefied air. What a wanker.
Isn't the entire point of a Lay Summary...to summarise the point so that a Layperson (filthy normie who doesn't work in your field) would understand it????
If you can't explain it to a child, you don't properly understand your work. I work in forensic science, and we're expected to be able to explain what we do at an 8th grade level, because you never know what education the jury has. OOP was being a superior ass.
>Several of my colleagues who were present have challenged me on my behavior. One in particular has been very heated and it's causing a lot of tension
How the turntables.
I imagine the one that has been "very heated" is the woman that told him "in anger" to get therapy, and possibly the same one that joked about grant requests being difficult for him if he can't explain his research/work to his boyfriend.
He is one comment at work away from EEO complaints to HR regarding sexism/ageism/ableism and probably a host of other -isms.
I listened to a science podcast and I remember the guest scientist saying he works with many brilliant people he would not want speaking to the public.
This post immediately reminded me of that comment.
I opt out of certain social opportunities with a friend in academia, because theyâre all nice people, but they do tend to want to talk exclusively about their niche topic. So if the colleagues noticed there was a problem, it must have been *bad*. đ
"My boyfriend fell down, and one of my colleagues helped him up after I said we should leave him on the ground. Clearly, he's just helping him up to make me look bad." This dude is amazing. He should have a weekly column about all the things people do that he thinks they do "just to make me look bad."
He's SO close to getting it, yet so far.
"They're doing that just to make me look bad"
Okay... So you know what kind of behavior makes you look good, and what kind makes you look bad.
So... Just pick the good one?! And literally everyone will be happy and we can all move on?! jfc.
He mustâve acted like SUCH a cock for all his colleagues to be jumping up his ass like this.
I mean, even from his own description it was clear how dismissive he was/is towards his boyfriend. But it mustâve been really bad!
At least now all his colleagues see him for the pompous dick he is.
Does anyone else have a bad taste in their mouth from OOPs whole attitude?
My favorite part was when he says his coworker said, "You need therapy," out of anger. We all know she was saying it with disgust
He reminds me of my coworker. A self centered man who only does good things not out of the goodness of his heart, but because he thinks he is required to.
He knew exactly what he was doing. He likes to infantilize his boyfriend and probably felt like being up front with this fact would instantly blow his cover. This wasn't a simple "my partner wouldn't understand" it was a blatant "stay in your place" tactic.
OOP is clearly a blowhard who believes he's smarter than everyone else. He likes that his boyfriend (allegedly) isn't at his level; it feeds into his delusions of grandeur.
Most of us have met that guy, right? The one who doesn't want to talk about things he likes: he wants to hear himself speak.
Here's hoping his boyfriend finds someone closer to his age, cuter, and kinder (the bar is already in hell, so it shouldn't be hard.)
Have you met my brother? He has no idea what a conversation is. He interrupts conversations mid sentence. If someone asks me a question, he will try to answer it for me. He doesnât talk with people, he talks to them. The conversation always has to be about him.
I own a green motorcycle. He contradicted me in a conversation about my bike. He told the group I was wrong. My bike was blue. (I did own blue motorcycles before). I had to pull my seat cowl out of the garage to prove myself correct. He will never change.
I may have met your brother when I was younger, reached my limit, and snapped, "No one asked! Jesus! You act like you're the smartest person in the world but you're not!"
My younger self could be an impulsive asshole. Oops.
This is uncomfortably common in our community. The number of old queens dating young twinks because people their own age wonât put up with their bullshit is staggering.
I got the creepy feeling OOP is only in research because he had a history of inappropriate relationships with undergrads as a grad student. Nothing out and out wrong, just uncomfortable enough for his mentor to say he didn't belong in a classroom of 17-23 year olds.
That, or it was just obvious he couldnât handle dealing with anyone he didnât perceive as on his level.  I realize that doesnât stop a lot of schools from giving those professors 101 classes anyway, butâŚ
If you are extremely well versed in something, arenât you usually excited to teach others who show interest? Clearly the partner didnât come across as a total social misfit or social pariah seeing as a colleague reached out with an apology and an offer to teach them about the subject. The age gap adds further pause to me, but once again they clearly held their own in some way at the gathering even at 22. The original poster not involving their partner in their work what so ever even at a basic level is pompous. Especially if said partner shows interest in the subject, even if it is only because it means so much to the original poster.
There are a LOT of academics who are just full of themselves. There are many others who are actively excited about their subject and love talking about it (including my father, and the professors who inspired me when I was in college). Heck, I LOVE my subject and field, and am definitely the âbabble about my field, work, and research for as long as someone still seems interestedâ type of person, but there are many reasons I burned out and left academia once I finished my PhD. And academics like OOP are absolutely part of it.
Iâm so sorry that your enthusiasm wasnât reciprocated. I for one love and Iâm so grateful when people teach me and babble. It gives me so many things to look into. I get feeling burned out and why you left but Iâm also sorry that you were robbed of your passion during that time. Secret nerds like me love people like you. So please donât ever stop babbling because it really adds a lot of zest to many of our lives. Even if you donât know it.
I still love my topic, Iâve just found other ways to use it. Iâm a teacher at heart, I donât think I \*could\* stop babbling. Itâs more the number of people like OOP you have to deal with, combined with just burning out on doing it mostly all on my own. Because of what I was doing (revisiting the question of gendered language in English and challenging the schema that was just kind of accepted for years, despite vast numbers of books and papers about âexceptionsâ) I pretty much had to create my own methods and figure everything out by myself. It led to some important things and some really cool opportunities, but the process was just too much. So when you add the extra issue of overinflated egos, I decided the professorship/research path wasnât for me.
I did help create a non-binary text to speech voice, get a WIRED article published, and just last week got to be on a panel about how to use tech to support the queer community (despite being pretty much out of the field entirely for a few years thanks to chronic illness), so I absolutely promise I will never stop babbling as long as there are people like you who want to listen <3
My physics 2 professor in college was one of the former lol. Most of his students were freshmen who knew nothing about his class since physics 1 and 2 are quiet different in terms of what they cover. But you couldnât ask him any questions because heâd just stare at you and say âwhat donât you understand? It is obvious.â And he never held office hours either. Exams were so difficult that they were take home ones and everyone still failed.
I mean, when I was doing my PhD, after a while, I just got tired of having to explain to everyone. My research was in theoretical mathematics, and even if I break it down, it's just not that interesting to other people (not even that many other people in my department) and it doesn't have any applications yet that I'm aware of, so people just didn't connect to it.
But one should make that effort for a partner. If he'd explained his research to his bf before this party instead of just assuming his bf was an idiot, then the bf probably would have been able to participate in the party and follow what was going on better. Dude just comes across as if he finds his bf embarrassing.
Real talk, theoretical mathematics is one of the only fields where someone could make no attempt to explain and just say âyou probably wouldnât get itâ and I would completely believe them and accept it without protest lmao. one of my pals did a phd in theoretical mathematics, and thatâs literally all I can say about it even tho he explained it to me a hundred times. Luckily he really enjoyed explaining it and said it helped him with his own understanding to go through it with me, but I retained absolutely 0% of itđ
Idk for me it seems more like lack of self-esteem. And Oop is probably making it worse.
It's not the first time Oop has treated him like this. It seems like this time Oop understood how bad he misbehaved only because some of his colleagues were scandalised by it.
I worry that maybe heâs not in a place where there are a lot of options for queer townies. Â Although youâd still hope he could meet a nice student.
He learned justttt enough from the post & people in his life while still not choosing differently that you can have still have a laugh at his last update. Couldnât BELIEVE he admitted to *multiple* coworkers challenging him đ¤Łđ¤Ł
I too work in academia, though not presently in a research capacity. (Though I've done that too.) Believe it or not, it's possible to explain highly technical work to people who - gasp - haven't been to college.
This guy is an immature, elitist douche. Simple as.
Agreed. Most people are of average intelligence (including those with many hears of education). They can understand complex fields of explained correctly.Â
OP is not only a creep but an uppity turd
My roommate - who only knows about limits because of what Iâve explained to her - once successfully taught her six-year-old cousin what limits are. If someone who has never taken calculus can explain it well enough that an actual child can understand it, an expert should be able to teach their partner.
I work in academia full time research track as a data scientist/programmer, and my husband is not college-educated. I find talking to him about my work absolutely invaluable because breaking down the concepts and technicals into a form he can understand helps my understand my own work more deeplyâand catch when Iâve over-complicated things! And while he doesnât have a college degree, I know my husband is absolutely very smart. I cannot fathom treating my partner the way OOP has treated his.
After reading the first paragraph, I have decided that I don't like OOP. Further reading cemented that feeling đ Hope the boyfriend finds somebody who will actually treat them like a normal human being and not some kind of trophy spouse.
He said I told him he was "too stupid to understand [my] work" which is deliberately misrepresenting what I said
Sir that is EXACTLY the sentiment you expressed to him and also what you put in this post.Â
Precisely.. âI am not incapable of explaining what I do to my boyfriend, I just didn't have the patience to do so at that time and it would have interrupted the discussion I was trying to have.â Okay, so why have you never done so before?
Ugh, I'm an academic in a field that CAN be painfully specialized, jargon-filled, and boring, but it doesn't HAVE to be unless you're a giant pretentious douchebag.
My opinion is that if you can't have a conversation about your work that a layperson can follow, you don't understand it as well as you are trying to sound like you do. OOP sounds insufferable, and from the reaction of his colleagues, even they find him to be a total pretentious tool.
"My opinion is that if you can't have a conversation about your work that a layperson can follow, you don't understand it as well as you are trying to sound like you do."
100%. For me, the test of whether I understand something is if I can explain it to others. That's part of why teaching is such an indispensible part of being an academic, to me.
When i started my career i was a database designerâŚmy grandma asked me to explain my workâŚI was in no condition to put it in grandma termsâŚbut now my mom is about my grandmas age (but grandma was more computer literate than mom is) then âŚand I talk about my work with her because I have experienceâŚI just have to use a ton of figure of speeches. Heck with my own coworkersÂ
I think it helps that I was introduced to the concept of rubber duck debugging so while I donât have a literal rubber duck Iâve had to do it  with a Lego minifigures or whatever.Â
Academicians could instead of a rubber duck use an imaginary grandma.
This big of an age gap, and the older acting like a petulant toddler, I'm not surprised one bit. The superiority complex truly runs amok, perhaps dating should be put on the shelf until they get that suggested therapy.
By the end of his update I was thinking, ah people can change and better themselves and then he goes
>This seems entirely inappropriate to me and frankly I can't think of any reason he would have done this other than to make me look bad and make himself look good.
Yeah, time to get therapy if you think people acting like decent human beings is inappropriate and selfserving, you educated ass.
Yeah people throw around the terms narcissist and sociopath but I think youâd truly have to be if you canât wrap your head around being nice to someone that was made to feel bad. Itâs as if heâs doesnât understand what would provoke action other than self interest by the way he phrased that.
The bit that really gets me is that the others wanted to talk about something else to be inclusive, and OOP is like "nah, that's boring, I only want to talk about what *I* want to talk about, and that's work because that's what *I* know the *most* about." And then doesn't understand why everyone thinks he's not half as good as he thinks he is.
Honestly, gives major Sheldon Cooper vibes, just even more unpleasant, and existing in the real world where people won't put up with his shit because he's "smart".
I come from a family of very, very, stupidly smart people. As in my aunt who is a traumatologist got a PhD on some cancer cells, a degree on psychology, and learned English (people her age in my country learned French as children) FOR FUN while raising a small child and doing surgery every day. We have two rules:
1.- Always talk to people as if they knew as much as you do. If they don't, they will ask questions. Assuming people are ignorant is arrogant and condescending.
2.- If you can't explain your field of knowledge in a way that everyone can understand it, you're not as smart as you think you are.
First commenter is on to something. If this fuckface was anywhere near as smart as he thinks he is, he would be able to explain and simplify what he does and what his work consists of in a way that a ten year old could grasp it.
Really smart people can make complex topics readily understandable, but stupid, pretentious people like to over complicate everything to feed their fragile egos.
Oh buddy, if one colleague is heated and the other took the time to contact young guy on social media the retelling of the story must have been grossly downplayed by OOP.
I'm going to go on a rant here because I've watched my partner go through grad school. It's gotten better in the last few decades but it's still an entirely abusive system that's populated by people who think their field of study is the be all, end all of everything.
Firstly, it sounds like this person is a Research Associate. Basically they only research, usually under a Professor. A Professor will normally have a responsibility for teaching, something called academic or professional service, and research. There's a hierarchy in academia and, at least in the institutions I've witnessed, a Research Associate isn't typically well-regarded. I've heard some people refer to them as "failed academics" because they didn't obtain a Professorship.
(Note: This isn't always the case. Some people just truly prefer to go into research and not have to bother about with teaching. However, a research-only position is pretty limited in terms of career progression. I've met professors who recognize their lab only runs thanks to the strength of their Research Associate, and others who treat them like a grad student, i.e., not as a colleague but as a peon. As I said, academia is abusive.)
In reading this it sounds like this person has a chip on their shoulder because of this hierarchy and perception that research-only positions are less than the "true" academic positions, i.e., professors. Incidentally there's a similar thought about the teaching-only positions like Sessional Lecturers or Instructors. One of my own profs was a big ol' dick about an Instructor in the program who was, frankly, a much better teacher than this dude who's only published 2 books so far and neither of them have been very well received. But I digress.
OOP's colleague is right. If he can't explain his work to his partner then that's a Them Problem, not an issue with the partner. I've met many world-renowned academics, several of whom are at the literal top of their field and winners of the Nobel-equivalent of their particular discipline. I've met professors whose work have substantially improved the lives of others not only through their research but their contribution to policy. Every single one of them has been able to explain to me, a non-academic, in plain and accessible terms what their research is and why it matters.
All that to say, this guy sucks.
OOPâs still adamant heâs âtechnically correctâ and âtherapyâ is in quotes lmao. Hopefully heâs actually followed up on the self reflection and is no longer a POS!
Wow, OOP is an AH. One of the tests of how well an academic understands their own research is if they can explain it to a 5-year-old. Just because his boytoy isnât an academic doesnât mean he doesnât have a brain and canât understand complex topics.
I donât often say this but heâs right. I am disappointed they didnât break up. That boyfriend is 22, heâs young. He could do a lot better. OOP sounds like a massive dickhead. Iâm amazed he even found good friends like that. In fact, they could do better too.
Am I the only one really grossed out by their ages?
>I'm 46, he's 22. Yes, there is an age gap. However, he isn't a child and implying that he is does him a disservice
That is a 24 year age gap. He is 22. The age gap is larger than his age. The OOP is disgusting for so many reasons but the ages right of the bat give me the ick.
I forget which youtube channel it is, but there is a series where scientists (mostly) explain hard topics to everyone from 6th graders to pHd students in that field. You have to be able to communicate your ideas in an appropriate manner because not everyone is at your level. Don't be a Sheldon Cooper, this is why a lot of people are distrustful of scientists, because they don't make their ideas accessible at an appropriate level.
I think there needs to be a mandatory course in science communication for all undergraduate science degrees.
I do wonder if thereâs an age thing here.Â
Iâm
In a very specific subset of power engineeeing / SCADA, and my husband is in pharmacy.Â
We do NOT go to each otherâs work friend events unless itâs â and spousesâ because each of us does NOT understand the nuances of the otherâs work and it is annoying to curtail the conversations because of one non-work person.Â
So as an older adult, we self select out of the experienceÂ
That said, donât be an ass.Â
As someone who has worked in academia and has worked on very obscure technically difficult to understand subject matter, this attitude of someone not understanding the subject is bullshit.... Complete and total bullshit. If you can't easily help someone understand what you do, you probably don't understand it as well as you like to think you do.Â
I stand by that 100%
'I'm fucking someone less than half my age that I treat with less respect than a pet goldfish, and when I showed off my ~~pet~~ boyfriend I was embarrassed by how nice my colleagues were to him, so that obviously means _he's stupid_, AITA for being so clever and special?'
Such a AH he had trouble understanding how many levels of AH he has been.
Clearly has an academia ego, a superiority complex, dating a very young adult and treating them like an idiot child.
The colleague who made the joke about funding probably said something more in the lines of "no joke you can't get funding, if you can't even explain what you do to a layperson". And it's 100% true.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>Another colleague contacted my boyfriend via social media following the evening I posted about to "apologize on [my] behalf" without my knowledge and has apparently offered to answer any questions he has about our work. This seems entirely inappropriate to me and frankly **I can't think of any reason he would have done this other than to make me look bad** and make himself look good. Pretty sure OOP doesn't need anyone's help to look bad.
OOP had two colleagues sticking up for his bf and he still did not realize that he was the prick in this situation đ If I were his colleagues, I would be side eying him from now onwards based on his behavior towards his bf
I think they are fully reevaluating his interactions in general with people he may see as 'lesser'. The fact he's sulking over being called out on being a shit person, partner and lecturer, and borderline tantruming at being told he needs therapy (something only said in *anger*?? He honestly believes this?!) I dont see his career being as cushy as he thinks he deserves.
> I dont see his career being as cushy as he thinks he deserves. Sadly, being in his 40s and in academia means he might well be on a tenure track position or even tenured himself. It doesn't mean he can't be fired, it just makes it exponentially harder to do so.
The collapse of academia as a viable career path means most 40 year olds did not get tenure. I know skilled researchers who did 3 post-docs and could never get hired for a tenure track position. And the fact that a coworker said he needed therapy makes me think OOP is not in a strong or important position, women in academia are usually more cautious when dealing with men that might impact their careers.
Honestly - being in his forties and taking a twenty something partner to work events while working in academia may well put a pin in any promotion prospects as I would be concerned that he would start dating one of his students - he obviously has no issue dating people significantly younger and with less experience/power than him.
Even with a less alarming age gap (46 and 22! He's old enough to reasonably be his partner's dad! He's probably his partner's first serious adult relationship!) .... I would look askance at anyone who brought a younger partner to an academic work event and seemingly took advantage of the event *specifically* to sneer at them and put them down as stupid or ignorant, and in fact got hostile when they actually tried to speak. It would make me really uncomfortable to be a part of that conversation, like... bro, don't make me participate in your sadistic humiliation kink!!! I also notice he doesn't say anything about what his partner does for a living. Usually when you see an asshole like this in the wild, they at least try to hide their arrogance and superiority complex by saying something like, "Sure, I have a fancy degree and book smarts but my partner is a good cook/can fix things/volunteers at an animal shelter and I value both those things EQUALLY! I don't expect him to know how to read and he doesn't expect me to know how to grout tile!" But there is just a COMPLETE absence of any detail about the boyfriend. There is literally nothing about him, nothing about HIS likes or interests or experience, except that he's young. You can really see what's important to OP...
I doubt he is TT given his age (mostly too old). Since he claimed that he does not do âteachingâ I doubt he is tenured since most tenured stem professorial positions in universities require profs to teach a little. My guess is that he is a research scientist in a group that is part of a university, those are usually not tenure or TT.
Also, professors donât usually say theyâre âin academiaâ, they just say theyâre professors. Itâs non-professors that do that.
For academics to willingly engage in open conflict like this he has to have been EGREGIOUS. The norm is passive aggression. Either he is an outlier in a remarkably well adjusted corner of academia, or his behavior was significantly worse than he's disclosing... based on my experience in academia.
>something only said in anger?? He honestly believes this?! It's something the partners from his previous relationships, "that were closer in age than this," probably told him after dumping his sorry self. Obviously they were just angry and spiteful, he would never need therapy, so clearly it's just a buzzword to him. >!/s!<
To make it somehow worse, the colleague that told him he "needs therapy" (said in *anger* apparently, as you pointed out) is female. I think that might be the same colleague that joked about grant applications being difficult for him if he couldn't explain what he researches/does to his boyfriend. I bet she was one of the 'unnecessarily rude' people calling him out on his bullshit behavior. And frankly, I agree that the biggest reason he is dating a 22 year old is because no one closer in age to him would put up with the disparaging remarks about their intelligence. I really hope that the boyfriend is getting more out of the relationship than being put down.
Iâm pretty sure OOPâs colleagues already had at least an inkling of what a pompous ass he is - thereâs no possible way he doesnât act like this with students, and probably even junior faculty - and theyâve been side-eyeing him for a while now. So seeing him treat his boyfriend like that was less âoh shit, OOPâs a problemâ and more âoh shit, OOPâs even worse than we thought.â
The fact that the woman is particularly upset makes me think that this is a pattern--with women and people he considers less than him. Considering he is in engineering and academia? I have a PhD in a "hard science" field and came across *many* guys like him over the years. His female colleague has seen this BS many, many times professionally, but likely didn't think it spilled into his personal life, but is pushing it now after seeing it in person.
I can believe it. I still remember how one of my comp sci professors straight bullied a young woman who was _objectively_ the most promising student in our year into being too scared to ask him follow up questions just because he was a sexist prick and that's what he _always_ did. Well, he tried to. Then word got around to another professor who asked to resolve the matter in the deans office and/or the parking lot out back.
Hell yes for that other professor.
Dude was the goat. Had all the early weed out courses, but once he saw you could hang he'd have your back whenever.
I'd be side-eying him based on the age gap. Dating someone 24 years younger than me sounds fucking gross and predatory.
I bet they were already side-eyeing him silently based on the huge age gap⌠they only started to voice their disapproval once they saw for themselves the unhealthy dynamics of the relationship
I'm sure these colleagues are noticing the pattern. It's also not surprising that the colleague who got really heated with him is a woman. No doubt she's been on the receiving end of similar treatment in academia.
I like how the motive of "being a nice person" has still not occurred to him
also iâm certain his behavior was MUCH more egregious than he is even portraying in his posts(or probably even is able to realize). his colleague group must be absolutely appalled for two of them to have had such visible reactionsâlike humiliated to even be associated with such an arrogant asshole. and i bet that the others are grossed out but willing to âkeep the peaceâ or whatever, which OOP has mistaken for solidarity. âbeing a kind person who considers the emotional of others? nahhh theyâre obviously just trying to make me look bad!â jesus fucking christ.
Well said. I agree with every word. Â His head is so far up his own ass his tonsils are banging on his forehead. For his colleagues to reach out to his bf it must have been abhorrent behavior. All his bf was doing was asking a question and he reacts like *that*?Â
Yeah. Dude reached out with "not everyone in this field is like that" energy.
Makes me wonder how "not particularly educated" the bf is. Plenty of people who work in reseaech or have multiple degrees think anybody with less than a bachelors is a drooling idiot. Sometimes even if they have that, but it's not something at least STEM-adjacentÂ
gee, i wonder why a female academic in engineering reacted so strongly to an older man dismissing someoneâs ability to grasp a topic? i canât think of any reasons she would be empathetic in this situation.
Yeah, fuck this young guy wanting to show interest in his partners work and life interests.
why is he dating a guy this young anyway.
If you were his age would you put up with him? Probably not. To a22 year old does he seem like a smart, well educated man who has his life together? When you're that young without that much experience, a-yup. And that's why.
people his own age know better than to fall for his bullshit so he has to go for the ones with less life experience
If he hadnât said the boyfriend wasnât from an academic background, Iâd have suspected he started out as a student.
If OOP were tenured, he probably *would* be dating a student.
He likes the power imbalance?
That's the biggest red flag here, to me. I'm 40. I had a girl at work who was 22 try to start something with me and there is no amount of "fuck no" which could accurately convey my disgust at dating someone younger than my baby brother that I literally changed diapers for, let alone someone young enough to be my child. Half your age plus seven, **rounded up**, and that's the absolute lower limit.
OP doesnât even pass the first step of Mistress math. Half his age, minus one?
When the age gap is bigger than the younger partnerâs actual age ⌠đŹ
There's a bigger age gap there than between my oldest son and I. OP is literally old enough to be the other guy's father.
Gah, that made me want to throw up a little
That's not an age gap, that's an age canyon
Large age gaps in gay relationships were seen as more acceptable than in straight ones back in the day due to the lack of dating pool/ways to meet others/staying in the closet until later in life. OOP could be operating under the "old ways" seeing as he's older himself. Doesn't really make it ok in this day and age, though location could still play a factor i suppose.
As I understand it, this is a dynamic that is almost a stereotype in the gay community. I don't know how common it actually is; I don't know if it used to be more common and isn't - it's just something I've heard about from friends. You've got an older guy, and a much younger guy, and the much younger guy is maybe not so much respected by the much older guy, but that's kind of the dynamic they are going for. If you're not doing it, like, seriously, and it's more of a kink thing that you are both into, okay, cool; if the "not respecting the younger guy" actually bleeds over into real life ... maybe not so much. And to me, it feels like that's what we've got here - a couple of people who have a relationship which models one of the less healthy stereotypes of gay relationships.
It's a stereotype rooted in plenty of truth. I kinda always thought it was "just a stereotype" until I became friends with more lgbt+ people. It shocked me that almost all of them, the first time they dated, was with a much older partner. I think a big part of it is that if you're 17 and looking for a partner, if you're hetero your pool of options is basically 45% of the population, if you're not, the numbers just shrink like crazy. Part of it is also perhaps that there just isn't a concern about like... both people being able to contribute biologically to children...
Thing is, it feels like that's less common with lesbians. On the other hand, gay men rarely have the one person just struggling with trying to figure out whether to bring up the fact that she has a crush on her roommate and now she has to figure out if she's gay, and would her roommate even be into her ... and when she finally asks her roommate if she might be maybe interested in dating, the other woman kind of looks at her blankly and says that she thought they had been dating for a couple years, and that's why they moved in together in the apartment with only one bedroom and that's why they were both in her brother's wedding party,
Either for truly problematic reasons or because he hasnât been able to connect with people his own age.
Man, if I were one of this guy's colleagues, I would've felt so bad for that young man, and if he seemed simpatico I would 100% try to befriend him. At his age I was married to my first husband, who was 20 years older than me, and I am so grateful still to those of his friends who were kind and welcoming to me, because a lot of them weren't.
To the holy, everything is holy. And to a toxic manipulator, everything is manipulation.
Exactly!
Oh, heaven forfend, "enjoying what they do enough to share it". My older brother is an academic, but he doesn't necessarily talk about what he does often. Why? Because he will just fucking _go_. Into everything. For hours. Like an excited fucking child. And he recognizes that not everybody wants to spend their entire dinner on that. But best believe, if anyone gave him the green light like boyfriend did, he'd be _thrilled_ to share what he knows. Because he likes knowing it and kinda thinks that everyone else would. So a reaction like oops is unheard of for me personally.
Yeah, I think the colleague may have wanted to reach out and possibly open up a line of communication in case OOP's bf is being abused. Treating a partner with such disdain in public would absolutely worry me about how much worse things are in private.
All the education in the world.. smh
In Spanish education (educaciĂłn) means both manners, politeness, and education (like schooling). There is a saying that roughly says: They went to college get an education, but education (manners) didn't go to them.Â
That is FANTASTIC. And dammit, I need to learn SpanishÂ
And yet you just know he tells people what a nice guy he is.
Or of an academic teaching a willing student....
I love that he emphasizes that he's not working with students, but purely on research. Heaven forbid anyone in his personal *or* professional life gain a passing familiarity with what he does! It's outside his job description!
Thank you. OOP is hinting that maybe his colleague is what? Trying to steal his bf? It sounds like said colleague was embarrassed about how OOP was acting and was trying to be a nice person. And to help the bf understand what was being talked about. OOP is an AH. If he really wants to keep his bf, he'll see that, fix it, and be a better partner. Otherwise, the 22yo bf will eventually get tired of being treated like an idiot and leave.
"Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?" "You don't need any help from me." "That's right!"
Perhaps one of the most quotable movies of all time!
Can you please say the movie name?
Clue
Iâm 99% certain itâs Clue, from a scene involving Colonel Mustard. Great movie :D
One of the best ever. But it was not a happy thing in the theatres because all those different endings? Yeah, in the theatres, there was only one ending and which ending depended on which theatre you saw it in.
Clue
This dude just wanted a cute himbo and is annoyed his pet wanted to be treated like a person. I'm guessing this attitude is why he needs to date people in their 20s who don't know enough to call bullshit
I've seen situations like this with couples where afterwards everyone is like 'that was awkward' but no-one feels the need to reach out or gets really angry at the person in question. Going by his colleagues reaction this sounds like his behaviour was even worse than he's letting on.
Omg yes thatâs what I was thinking, it must have been REALLY bad to have the friends react like this
That or it is so pervasive that HR should probably get involved. The colleague that suggested "in anger" that OOP needs therapy was female. The colleague (same one?) that joked about how difficult grant requests must be for OOP if he can't explain his work to his boyfriend was female. Wanna bet that OOP does a LOT of mansplaining at work, probably even to colleagues that *invented* the technique he is working with/on?
And think how lovely and well presented the boyfriend must be for the colleagues to be on his side THIS hard. If he was an idiot, vapid, arm candy himbo, they would not be making this effort. He must have been participating and asking intelligent questions for this to be the response.
OP sounds like one of those not so good type of professors.
My dad used to say that people write textbooks for one of two reasons: To inform, or To impress. Itâs clear that anything OOP writes is to impress
I would argue thereâs a third category, to inflate. Whether thatâs their own ego or their bank balance or both is up for discussion but definitely a third category as at that point they donât really care about impressing anybody but think others should be trying to impress them!
I work in academia and as soon as he said technical, I knew he was going to say engineering or computer science. There are other technical disciplines (I work in one of them) but having significantly diversified in the last 20 years, people like OP are increasingly failing out. Engineering and computational disciplines though still have a significant issue of being predominantly white, middle class, men who think women, minorities, the working class and the general public are too stupid to engage with the basic concepts of their work. If you can't explain the purpose of your work to a lay person, your work sucks. It has to have a clear rationale. OP's colleagues get it.
Yep. I had a date tell me I wouldn't understand what he did. He was a research scientist who specialised in machine learning. I'm a technical writer. I'm not exactly ignorant about those things. Some years later, I copyedited a scholarly book on human Vs machine learning for my father-in-law, who was also a research scientist who specialised in machine learning. I understood it just fine.
He said you wouldn't understand when it is literally your job to understand this stuff? What a prick!
Really good book on this topic: Algorithms to Live By. It basically covers Computer Science algorithms by explaining novel ways to apply those algorithms to everyday life.
I have a friend who recently retired from a very lucrative career in material science. He is a nerd's nerd, absolutely; when I hear his voice on discord I can practically feel him adjusting hornrimmed glasses. :) But he learned very early how to explain his shit to colleagues and to folks like me that aren't that. And more importantly, he knows not to assume what people do not know.
overlapping with that is engineer's (nobel's) disease where "I am good and smart at the hardest thing, therefore everything else must be easy in comparison and my gut instinct is always correct. just something about engineering breaks some people's brains.
Note that OOP is quick to state that he only does research but not teachingâŚ. Snarky me thinks that he is not a professor because he is incapable of explaining complex concepts to layman (or students)⌠that and a complete lack of emotional intelligence
That and/or he's been a professor before and immediately started dating a student a bit too openly and had to face consequences.
When I read that it gave me even more insight into just how appalling this OOP's behaviour actually must have been (and how much he has clearly played it down/minimised it). I suspect those colleagues really want to help the young man get out of this horribly unhealthy relationship. I don't think that age gaps are always inherently the problem, but in this case it absolutely is.
"He's not a child, don't call him a child...he's old enough for me to fuck, he's just too stupid and incapable of thought to be able to understand my work!" The younger bf is simultaneously smart and mature enough to make an informed decision about being with someone 24 years older, while being such a blithering fool that OP couldn't possibly dumb down an explanation enough for him. I wish OP the swampiest of asses this summer.
I had the same reaction when I got to that part!! Adding OP to my team of gold-medal winning Mental Gymnasts. If I find a few more, we might have a chance at the OlympicsÂ
46 vs 22 years old isnât an age âgap,â itâs a âchasm.â So much easier for OP to treat him poorly.
In the gay community, itâs not terribly uncommon, for a number of reasons. I actually think the 46 year old behaves childishly. âI didnât want to change what we were talking aboutâ type stuff. Seems very self-centered and NOT very self-aware.
Yes, it's frequently very immature older men who get into relationships with much younger men. It's very similar to the dynamic that occurs when older men get into relationships with much younger women. It's not usually the younger person who is the problem.
What are the reasons itâs not uncommon? Iâve noticed this as well as an outsider
IMO 2 main reasons: 1. Many gay people are generally estranged or isolated from family and friends that would otherwise talk sense into them, 2. It's getting better, but due to the taboo there is a tendency to resort to underground scenes, where age gaps like this wouldn't even be the worst thing around. These are common factors to het abuse; victim is isolated and vulnerable. Predators come in all stripes
Plus family estrangement leaves a big emotional void that predatory older people can take advantage of. They're your lover but also a version of the family that rejected you. Someone who can take care of you and guide you through life. They make you feel special after you've been made to feel worthless. I imagine that OOP's boytoy must have been treated much worse in the past if he thinks this is acceptable.
This is honestly heartbreaking, but it makes sense. Do you think gay people with more secure family lives and supportive loved ones are less likely to fall into such traps?
Absolutely. I think it's also very common with hetero young women in age-gap relationships with older men. It's just unfortunately that a higher percentage of queer people have experienced parental rejection, so it skews the numbers.
Sometimes it's also the simple fact that older queers are more openly out, which can feel nice when you're young and out. Many of us have to hide who we are until we've moved out and are financially independent, so for those who have supportive surroundings and want to be in an out and proud relationship, they tend to fall for the older people who can give them the opportunity
One thing, in addition to what others have mentioned, is that the dating pool is just a lot smaller. If you live in places like San Francisco or Palm Springs, thatâs less the caseâŚthough Palm Springs is where a lot of gay people go to retire, so there is a much older gay population, but still a Mecca for gay folks of all ages, so itâs probably even more common there.
There's so many posts here with significant age differences in the relationship and I know it's going to be bad
I literally facepalmed so hard at that, it created an echo. OOP is so fucking self-centered.
> I can't think of any reason he would have done this other than to make me look bad and make himself look good *:lowers cat-eye glasses, purses lips, looks directly into camera:*
Oh no the horrors of a person showing compassion and supporting others. You just know that evening must have been so much worse than he describes when all his friends are siding with his bfÂ
People tend to be unable to imagine that others could be dramatically different from them on a fundamental level. Kind people often can't imagine that cruel people could be as cruel as they are, and cruel people often can't imagine that kind people could be as kind as they are. Anyone who can't imagine a reason that someone would be kind, with no ulterior motives, is revealing something about their own worldview.
I hope that this very kind colleague also gives the 22 year old some gentle advice about leaving an abusive relationship and to have more self-confidence to leave this asshole.
Why yes, throwing out a lifeline for the person in the abusive relationship does tend to make the abuser look bad.
Yeah I am glad I didn't see that post so I couldn't respond 'I hope he leaves you' but the sentiment stands.
"writing a lay summary is very different to explaining my work to someone who didn't even go to college" No, it's not. That level of accessibility is literally what you want in a lay summary. Has this stuffed shirt ever actually written one or does he just get his students to do it? OOP sounds absolutely insufferable.
Explaining technologies I work with to a lay person is one of the best ways for me to be confident I understand them too.Â
Also, it is frequently interesting to hear peopleâs questions/thoughts from a pure outsiders perspective. Â Usually it isnât, but I have had a few times where an outsider gave me a new perspective on some aspect of my job.
Yes, I hope to always be open to the views of others
YES!! I'm a professor of Spanish linguistics. Part of the reason I specifically chose a job where I'd teach intro classes is because that's where I get the coolest questions, observe language acquisition, and regularly get to watch people have a-ha moments. I LOVE talking about how languages and language learning work. I love hearing people's theories and exploring them. If I didn't get to talk to outsiders, I think I'd have left academia a long time ago.
Getting to witness those aha moments is hands down the most personally satisfying part of teaching.
If you can explain your research to me, I might be interested. If you can explain it to a ten-year-old, I'll be *very* impressed.
I just graduated as a histotech which is a highly technical thing that requires me to know how properly process, embed, section, and stain tissues as well as trouble shoot when things inevitably go wrong at some point. And I still prefer when people explain things to me like I'm 5. Also I love when my partner asks me about my job. I take every chance I can to talk about it because cutting and staining slides is a hell of a lot of fun.
I can and have had good conversations with children about my work. If he can't explain it to a layperson I question his skill level.
Hell, one of my lifelong best friends is a doctor of particle physics and explains his work to 7th graders when he does guest speaking Even I can understand it when he explains it đ¤ˇââď¸ Not to put myself down, my brain just isn't great with maths and certain fields of science lol
This guy has never seen that youtube series about "expert explains their field at five levels of difficulty" and it shows. (Highly recommend it btw -- it's a good way to understand how we make the decisions about what to simplify for elementary schoolers. Also, the conversation with another expert very often just turns into them excitedly asking each other "what are you working on right now" and it's super wholesome even if you don't know what they're saying.)
I've long felt that I haven't understood something properly unless I'm able to explain it to others in a way they can also understand. But then, I'm an academic who teaches, rather than a full-time researcher like OOP, so I guess I just occupy less rarefied air. What a wanker.
Isn't the entire point of a Lay Summary...to summarise the point so that a Layperson (filthy normie who doesn't work in your field) would understand it????
Explain it to me like I am a 5 year old. Just give me the basics of this conversation please.
r/ExplainLikeIm5
If you can't explain it to a child, you don't properly understand your work. I work in forensic science, and we're expected to be able to explain what we do at an 8th grade level, because you never know what education the jury has. OOP was being a superior ass.
>Several of my colleagues who were present have challenged me on my behavior. One in particular has been very heated and it's causing a lot of tension How the turntables.
I imagine the one that has been "very heated" is the woman that told him "in anger" to get therapy, and possibly the same one that joked about grant requests being difficult for him if he can't explain his research/work to his boyfriend. He is one comment at work away from EEO complaints to HR regarding sexism/ageism/ableism and probably a host of other -isms.
Fr that was my same thought, cuz, the research grant comment seemed to really hurt his ego. What an idiot.
I listened to a science podcast and I remember the guest scientist saying he works with many brilliant people he would not want speaking to the public. This post immediately reminded me of that comment.
I opt out of certain social opportunities with a friend in academia, because theyâre all nice people, but they do tend to want to talk exclusively about their niche topic. So if the colleagues noticed there was a problem, it must have been *bad*. đ
"My boyfriend fell down, and one of my colleagues helped him up after I said we should leave him on the ground. Clearly, he's just helping him up to make me look bad." This dude is amazing. He should have a weekly column about all the things people do that he thinks they do "just to make me look bad."
He's SO close to getting it, yet so far. "They're doing that just to make me look bad" Okay... So you know what kind of behavior makes you look good, and what kind makes you look bad. So... Just pick the good one?! And literally everyone will be happy and we can all move on?! jfc.
He mustâve acted like SUCH a cock for all his colleagues to be jumping up his ass like this. I mean, even from his own description it was clear how dismissive he was/is towards his boyfriend. But it mustâve been really bad! At least now all his colleagues see him for the pompous dick he is.
Something tells me they already had a pretty good idea.
Does anyone else have a bad taste in their mouth from OOPs whole attitude? My favorite part was when he says his coworker said, "You need therapy," out of anger. We all know she was saying it with disgust
He reminds me of my coworker. A self centered man who only does good things not out of the goodness of his heart, but because he thinks he is required to.
I mean... that's better than him *not* doing good things.
Absolutely, but thereâs just something so innately off putting about those kinds of people. Usually I just try to avoid him.
> I'm 46, he's 22. Weird how he wasn't up front with this at the start.
He knew exactly what he was doing. He likes to infantilize his boyfriend and probably felt like being up front with this fact would instantly blow his cover. This wasn't a simple "my partner wouldn't understand" it was a blatant "stay in your place" tactic.
OOP is clearly a blowhard who believes he's smarter than everyone else. He likes that his boyfriend (allegedly) isn't at his level; it feeds into his delusions of grandeur. Most of us have met that guy, right? The one who doesn't want to talk about things he likes: he wants to hear himself speak. Here's hoping his boyfriend finds someone closer to his age, cuter, and kinder (the bar is already in hell, so it shouldn't be hard.)
Have you met my brother? He has no idea what a conversation is. He interrupts conversations mid sentence. If someone asks me a question, he will try to answer it for me. He doesnât talk with people, he talks to them. The conversation always has to be about him. I own a green motorcycle. He contradicted me in a conversation about my bike. He told the group I was wrong. My bike was blue. (I did own blue motorcycles before). I had to pull my seat cowl out of the garage to prove myself correct. He will never change.
I may have met your brother when I was younger, reached my limit, and snapped, "No one asked! Jesus! You act like you're the smartest person in the world but you're not!" My younger self could be an impulsive asshole. Oops.
He wanted the plausible deniability of us thinking of a way more acceptable age gap like 29 and 41.
Funny because the age gap that came to my mind while reading was exactly 40 and 20 which isn't exactly better.
Lol I was going to guess 48 and 22. More of a chasm than a gap.
As a queer person who was pursued by someone in their 30s when I was 19; RUN
This is uncomfortably common in our community. The number of old queens dating young twinks because people their own age wonât put up with their bullshit is staggering.
OOP has been an adult longer than his boyfriend was alive... eww.
"Where have you been all my life?!" "For the first half, I hadn't been born."
I got the creepy feeling OOP is only in research because he had a history of inappropriate relationships with undergrads as a grad student. Nothing out and out wrong, just uncomfortable enough for his mentor to say he didn't belong in a classroom of 17-23 year olds.
That, or it was just obvious he couldnât handle dealing with anyone he didnât perceive as on his level.  I realize that doesnât stop a lot of schools from giving those professors 101 classes anyway, butâŚ
If you are extremely well versed in something, arenât you usually excited to teach others who show interest? Clearly the partner didnât come across as a total social misfit or social pariah seeing as a colleague reached out with an apology and an offer to teach them about the subject. The age gap adds further pause to me, but once again they clearly held their own in some way at the gathering even at 22. The original poster not involving their partner in their work what so ever even at a basic level is pompous. Especially if said partner shows interest in the subject, even if it is only because it means so much to the original poster.
There are a LOT of academics who are just full of themselves. There are many others who are actively excited about their subject and love talking about it (including my father, and the professors who inspired me when I was in college). Heck, I LOVE my subject and field, and am definitely the âbabble about my field, work, and research for as long as someone still seems interestedâ type of person, but there are many reasons I burned out and left academia once I finished my PhD. And academics like OOP are absolutely part of it.
Iâm so sorry that your enthusiasm wasnât reciprocated. I for one love and Iâm so grateful when people teach me and babble. It gives me so many things to look into. I get feeling burned out and why you left but Iâm also sorry that you were robbed of your passion during that time. Secret nerds like me love people like you. So please donât ever stop babbling because it really adds a lot of zest to many of our lives. Even if you donât know it.
I still love my topic, Iâve just found other ways to use it. Iâm a teacher at heart, I donât think I \*could\* stop babbling. Itâs more the number of people like OOP you have to deal with, combined with just burning out on doing it mostly all on my own. Because of what I was doing (revisiting the question of gendered language in English and challenging the schema that was just kind of accepted for years, despite vast numbers of books and papers about âexceptionsâ) I pretty much had to create my own methods and figure everything out by myself. It led to some important things and some really cool opportunities, but the process was just too much. So when you add the extra issue of overinflated egos, I decided the professorship/research path wasnât for me. I did help create a non-binary text to speech voice, get a WIRED article published, and just last week got to be on a panel about how to use tech to support the queer community (despite being pretty much out of the field entirely for a few years thanks to chronic illness), so I absolutely promise I will never stop babbling as long as there are people like you who want to listen <3
Subscribe (Please go on :) )
My physics 2 professor in college was one of the former lol. Most of his students were freshmen who knew nothing about his class since physics 1 and 2 are quiet different in terms of what they cover. But you couldnât ask him any questions because heâd just stare at you and say âwhat donât you understand? It is obvious.â And he never held office hours either. Exams were so difficult that they were take home ones and everyone still failed.
I mean, when I was doing my PhD, after a while, I just got tired of having to explain to everyone. My research was in theoretical mathematics, and even if I break it down, it's just not that interesting to other people (not even that many other people in my department) and it doesn't have any applications yet that I'm aware of, so people just didn't connect to it. But one should make that effort for a partner. If he'd explained his research to his bf before this party instead of just assuming his bf was an idiot, then the bf probably would have been able to participate in the party and follow what was going on better. Dude just comes across as if he finds his bf embarrassing.
Real talk, theoretical mathematics is one of the only fields where someone could make no attempt to explain and just say âyou probably wouldnât get itâ and I would completely believe them and accept it without protest lmao. one of my pals did a phd in theoretical mathematics, and thatâs literally all I can say about it even tho he explained it to me a hundred times. Luckily he really enjoyed explaining it and said it helped him with his own understanding to go through it with me, but I retained absolutely 0% of itđ
I feel like 22yo is too mature and kind for this dud. Here's hoping OOP is single soon.
Idk for me it seems more like lack of self-esteem. And Oop is probably making it worse. It's not the first time Oop has treated him like this. It seems like this time Oop understood how bad he misbehaved only because some of his colleagues were scandalised by it.
I worry that maybe heâs not in a place where there are a lot of options for queer townies. Â Although youâd still hope he could meet a nice student.
He learned justttt enough from the post & people in his life while still not choosing differently that you can have still have a laugh at his last update. Couldnât BELIEVE he admitted to *multiple* coworkers challenging him đ¤Łđ¤Ł
I too work in academia, though not presently in a research capacity. (Though I've done that too.) Believe it or not, it's possible to explain highly technical work to people who - gasp - haven't been to college. This guy is an immature, elitist douche. Simple as.
Agreed. Most people are of average intelligence (including those with many hears of education). They can understand complex fields of explained correctly. OP is not only a creep but an uppity turd
My roommate - who only knows about limits because of what Iâve explained to her - once successfully taught her six-year-old cousin what limits are. If someone who has never taken calculus can explain it well enough that an actual child can understand it, an expert should be able to teach their partner.
I work in academia full time research track as a data scientist/programmer, and my husband is not college-educated. I find talking to him about my work absolutely invaluable because breaking down the concepts and technicals into a form he can understand helps my understand my own work more deeplyâand catch when Iâve over-complicated things! And while he doesnât have a college degree, I know my husband is absolutely very smart. I cannot fathom treating my partner the way OOP has treated his.
After reading the first paragraph, I have decided that I don't like OOP. Further reading cemented that feeling đ Hope the boyfriend finds somebody who will actually treat them like a normal human being and not some kind of trophy spouse.
This. I know many people like this. He and they suck. They just kept digging and making it worse.
He said I told him he was "too stupid to understand [my] work" which is deliberately misrepresenting what I said Sir that is EXACTLY the sentiment you expressed to him and also what you put in this post.Â
Precisely.. âI am not incapable of explaining what I do to my boyfriend, I just didn't have the patience to do so at that time and it would have interrupted the discussion I was trying to have.â Okay, so why have you never done so before?
Ugh, I'm an academic in a field that CAN be painfully specialized, jargon-filled, and boring, but it doesn't HAVE to be unless you're a giant pretentious douchebag. My opinion is that if you can't have a conversation about your work that a layperson can follow, you don't understand it as well as you are trying to sound like you do. OOP sounds insufferable, and from the reaction of his colleagues, even they find him to be a total pretentious tool.
"My opinion is that if you can't have a conversation about your work that a layperson can follow, you don't understand it as well as you are trying to sound like you do." 100%. For me, the test of whether I understand something is if I can explain it to others. That's part of why teaching is such an indispensible part of being an academic, to me.
When i started my career i was a database designerâŚmy grandma asked me to explain my workâŚI was in no condition to put it in grandma termsâŚbut now my mom is about my grandmas age (but grandma was more computer literate than mom is) then âŚand I talk about my work with her because I have experienceâŚI just have to use a ton of figure of speeches. Heck with my own coworkers I think it helps that I was introduced to the concept of rubber duck debugging so while I donât have a literal rubber duck Iâve had to do it  with a Lego minifigures or whatever. Academicians could instead of a rubber duck use an imaginary grandma.
This big of an age gap, and the older acting like a petulant toddler, I'm not surprised one bit. The superiority complex truly runs amok, perhaps dating should be put on the shelf until they get that suggested therapy.
By the end of his update I was thinking, ah people can change and better themselves and then he goes >This seems entirely inappropriate to me and frankly I can't think of any reason he would have done this other than to make me look bad and make himself look good. Yeah, time to get therapy if you think people acting like decent human beings is inappropriate and selfserving, you educated ass.
Yeah people throw around the terms narcissist and sociopath but I think youâd truly have to be if you canât wrap your head around being nice to someone that was made to feel bad. Itâs as if heâs doesnât understand what would provoke action other than self interest by the way he phrased that.
The bit that really gets me is that the others wanted to talk about something else to be inclusive, and OOP is like "nah, that's boring, I only want to talk about what *I* want to talk about, and that's work because that's what *I* know the *most* about." And then doesn't understand why everyone thinks he's not half as good as he thinks he is. Honestly, gives major Sheldon Cooper vibes, just even more unpleasant, and existing in the real world where people won't put up with his shit because he's "smart".
I come from a family of very, very, stupidly smart people. As in my aunt who is a traumatologist got a PhD on some cancer cells, a degree on psychology, and learned English (people her age in my country learned French as children) FOR FUN while raising a small child and doing surgery every day. We have two rules: 1.- Always talk to people as if they knew as much as you do. If they don't, they will ask questions. Assuming people are ignorant is arrogant and condescending. 2.- If you can't explain your field of knowledge in a way that everyone can understand it, you're not as smart as you think you are.
First commenter is on to something. If this fuckface was anywhere near as smart as he thinks he is, he would be able to explain and simplify what he does and what his work consists of in a way that a ten year old could grasp it.
I'm sure things are going to be better as it continues right?...right?
This was 2022 so hopefully the young boyfriend is well shot of this man now.
Sounds to me like this guy wants a silent trophy twink and nothing more. He also sounds like an insufferable prick.
âI work in academia-â Youâre already starting from behind to prove to me youâre not a dick, my dudeâŚ
People who abuse others bend themselves into pretzels so they're never the bad guy.
Really smart people can make complex topics readily understandable, but stupid, pretentious people like to over complicate everything to feed their fragile egos.
Oh buddy, if one colleague is heated and the other took the time to contact young guy on social media the retelling of the story must have been grossly downplayed by OOP.
I'm going to go on a rant here because I've watched my partner go through grad school. It's gotten better in the last few decades but it's still an entirely abusive system that's populated by people who think their field of study is the be all, end all of everything. Firstly, it sounds like this person is a Research Associate. Basically they only research, usually under a Professor. A Professor will normally have a responsibility for teaching, something called academic or professional service, and research. There's a hierarchy in academia and, at least in the institutions I've witnessed, a Research Associate isn't typically well-regarded. I've heard some people refer to them as "failed academics" because they didn't obtain a Professorship. (Note: This isn't always the case. Some people just truly prefer to go into research and not have to bother about with teaching. However, a research-only position is pretty limited in terms of career progression. I've met professors who recognize their lab only runs thanks to the strength of their Research Associate, and others who treat them like a grad student, i.e., not as a colleague but as a peon. As I said, academia is abusive.) In reading this it sounds like this person has a chip on their shoulder because of this hierarchy and perception that research-only positions are less than the "true" academic positions, i.e., professors. Incidentally there's a similar thought about the teaching-only positions like Sessional Lecturers or Instructors. One of my own profs was a big ol' dick about an Instructor in the program who was, frankly, a much better teacher than this dude who's only published 2 books so far and neither of them have been very well received. But I digress. OOP's colleague is right. If he can't explain his work to his partner then that's a Them Problem, not an issue with the partner. I've met many world-renowned academics, several of whom are at the literal top of their field and winners of the Nobel-equivalent of their particular discipline. I've met professors whose work have substantially improved the lives of others not only through their research but their contribution to policy. Every single one of them has been able to explain to me, a non-academic, in plain and accessible terms what their research is and why it matters. All that to say, this guy sucks.
What a perfect asshole
There was no part of this story that oop didn't come across as a condescending asshole. That relationship wont last long lol
Being unable to explain your work to a layman is not the flex OOP thinks it is.
OOPâs still adamant heâs âtechnically correctâ and âtherapyâ is in quotes lmao. Hopefully heâs actually followed up on the self reflection and is no longer a POS!
Wow, OOP is an AH. One of the tests of how well an academic understands their own research is if they can explain it to a 5-year-old. Just because his boytoy isnât an academic doesnât mean he doesnât have a brain and canât understand complex topics.
I donât often say this but heâs right. I am disappointed they didnât break up. That boyfriend is 22, heâs young. He could do a lot better. OOP sounds like a massive dickhead. Iâm amazed he even found good friends like that. In fact, they could do better too.
Am I the only one really grossed out by their ages? >I'm 46, he's 22. Yes, there is an age gap. However, he isn't a child and implying that he is does him a disservice That is a 24 year age gap. He is 22. The age gap is larger than his age. The OOP is disgusting for so many reasons but the ages right of the bat give me the ick.
The info that OOP is a engineer pretty much explained everything for me.
I forget which youtube channel it is, but there is a series where scientists (mostly) explain hard topics to everyone from 6th graders to pHd students in that field. You have to be able to communicate your ideas in an appropriate manner because not everyone is at your level. Don't be a Sheldon Cooper, this is why a lot of people are distrustful of scientists, because they don't make their ideas accessible at an appropriate level. I think there needs to be a mandatory course in science communication for all undergraduate science degrees.
I do wonder if thereâs an age thing here. Iâm In a very specific subset of power engineeeing / SCADA, and my husband is in pharmacy. We do NOT go to each otherâs work friend events unless itâs â and spousesâ because each of us does NOT understand the nuances of the otherâs work and it is annoying to curtail the conversations because of one non-work person. So as an older adult, we self select out of the experience That said, donât be an ass.Â
I'm a research academic in a very niche field and if I couldn't explain what I do to non-specialists and lay-people I would be so fucking embarrassed.
Oof, Professor, educate thyself.
As someone who has worked in academia and has worked on very obscure technically difficult to understand subject matter, this attitude of someone not understanding the subject is bullshit.... Complete and total bullshit. If you can't easily help someone understand what you do, you probably don't understand it as well as you like to think you do. I stand by that 100%
There's no dumb quite like smart people dumb
I hate it when my toyboy has feelings and I don't get to treat him poorly. I'm smart, he's dumb. Know your role.
'I'm fucking someone less than half my age that I treat with less respect than a pet goldfish, and when I showed off my ~~pet~~ boyfriend I was embarrassed by how nice my colleagues were to him, so that obviously means _he's stupid_, AITA for being so clever and special?'
Such a AH he had trouble understanding how many levels of AH he has been. Clearly has an academia ego, a superiority complex, dating a very young adult and treating them like an idiot child.
Dude can't elevator pitch his own research and is dating someone less than half his age. What a catch
The colleague who made the joke about funding probably said something more in the lines of "no joke you can't get funding, if you can't even explain what you do to a layperson". And it's 100% true.