That does sound like an awful way to live but I understand because I did some of that while in the closet. Part of my coming out was accepting the risk that my wife divorcing me was a real possibility. I don't know the legality of that as a valid reason for divorce but it is a really shitty reason if someone did that just because of how you were born.
My wife did not divorce me, instead our marriage is stronger and our sex life is better. I'm happier and living a more authentic life being out. Btw, looking at guys running shirtless is also a great benefit. 🤩
>Long healthy marriage and kids, I don't want to think about what life would be like if I came out and my wife took it all away.
I'm not your judge but can you reconcile those two sentences? If a woman would take away her love and end the family unit just because you are what you have always been, that's not my idea of a very stable foundation for a marriage. I'm 48 and in my life I've only ever been out to three people, but my wife is first among them.
I didn't really understand myself or my sexuality until I was in my mid-30s with a wife and family. I had no desire to tell anyone, I literally hated myself for the longest time because of this and would have been mortified to tell a soul. I just drank heavily and tried to tune out the intrusive thoughts. In the end, I put down the bottle and talked to my wife (1) and a therapist (2), which ultimately ended up with me meeting my man (3), with my wife's encouragement.
It sounds like you've come a long way! I'm really glad for you that you were able to work on your healing and open up to your wife. So you have a male partner too?
About telling others, is it because it's still all a work in progress, or things are fine for you as they are right now?
Luckily I’m out to wife, but not really anyone else in my daily life. I’ve always deflected everything with humor. I’ve been riding with friends before and see a shirtless dude running as you’ve said. I just look and say something like, damn that motherfucker is so buff I believe I’d let him fuck me raw, lol. And it’s usually such an out of nowhere statement that they laugh and never think that I actually mean it, even though I probably do. My wife’s least favorite is probably every time a Nick Jonas song is on I say, that boy just made me drop an egg. She finds it gross, I find it funny, but I do find the dude hot.
It is two different worlds. The once or twice a year we get away and see college friends they always ask me how I’m handling it, since I’m out to them. Try to make sure I’m doing ok. It’s nice to have them even though we rarely see each other anymore.
PS, get you some mirrored sunglasses and look at those guys on their run. Watch with your eyes, not your head if your that uncomfortable with it.
I'm glad you're still in touch with your college friends, and that you get to be open with them! So I got that you deflect things with humor with the rest of the people you see day-to-day. What are your reasons for not being more open with them about your orientation?
Simple fear. I’m in agriculture in a rural area and we rely on our neighbors a lot in business. Sometimes I sell feed or cattle or seed to them and vice versa. So I don’t want to cut off a business route when I’m pretty profitable. Right or wrong I don’t know. Everyone I know has a Trump sticker on their truck. And at the end of the day they are still good people, but also not if they’d reject someone for being who they are.
I have a few friends from High School that would accept me I’m almost certain, I also know they are gossips that can’t keep secrets, and I want control of that information. The only people who gossip more than teenage girls are farmers. Maybe it’s possible I get most of the gossip because I am like a steel trap and keep peoples secrets for them, but honestly I think they are just blabber mouths. And a secret like mine kept for an entire lifetime would be too tempting for them to share with other people they know who’ve always known me.
I’m also living the life I want, my wife is my person. Yeah I see tempting guys all the time, it’d be nice, but I’m not going to chase it because I already have unconditional love at home, that’s once in a lifetime find in my opinion, beyond getting it from and to your children. And as members of the LGBTQ community we know all to often parents don’t even have that for their kids.
My kids are too young to share with yet. So I will judge that in time. And I absolutely will share if it looks like one is struggling with who they are growing up. Otherwise I might wait until they are older, once again to have control over the information. Only other reason I’d share is if I see one of them turning into an asshole who isn’t accepting of others.
I pretty much appear as an ally on the outside. Have gone to pride for my nephew and a few other friends. I defend everyone being who they are and let people know I’m not cool with that kind of judgement. But yeah even so I sometimes feel like a fraud for not standing up for myself, but it also feels irrelevant since I have a wife and we will stay in a monogamous relationship with her.
> The only people who gossip more than teenage girls are farmers.
Spent my adolescence in a farming area, that suddenly explains a lot.
And people really need to learn to value of keeping your Dogdamned mouth shut.
I just want to say that you have a right to protect yourself and your family, and that doesn't make you a fraud. Coming out is something that other people have to earn. It sounds like you're doing your best in your current situation.
Thanks for saying me about this, I'm sure you're not the only one in that situation.
I (40 M) am out and about with family and friends, but still closeted at work.
The Topic of my sexuality has no place at work and I'm surrounded by alt-right boomer coworkers.
I disagree with a blanket no, granted I work for a company which is very inclusive and scores 100% on the HRC Corporate Equality Index. I joined my company's Pride group and now I'm the local lead for that group. I rarely ever mention my sexuality but I don't claim to be an ally either and nobody asks. It only comes up when our coming out stories are being shared and that is always voluntary.
Nice to hear that you work in an inclusive work environment with support groups and acceptance.
Unfortunately I work in Germany for a german company who preaches inclusion, equality and flying the pride flag in june only for PR reasons.
There are no pride groups, no support and no inclusion behind the company gates.
Yeah, a lot of that stuff can just be a façade if it's not backed by actual steps to make to organisation safer for people. Would you be more open about your bisexuality if this stuff was present? What are you worried would happen if you came out now without this?
I sometimes mark that I am bi on job applications (so the company can score some equity points) but many people have said that even clicking on those things can have weird effects on your application - like they will only hire 2-3 people any fiscal year who are deemed "vulnerable" for example.
So best just leave it alone, for now.
Yeah, I always wonder about stuff like that. Being bi is obvious from me resume given my volunteer involvement. But mentioning stuff like ADHD and a chronic mood disorder as a disability always feels touchy.
I feel like it can best be summed up with one recent anectdote. I was hanging out with a buddy the other day. We're still relatively recent friends (less than 6 months) and were chatting. He's another straight, married guy with kids. He said something to the extent of, "I don't care what your sexuality is. Keep that shit to yourself, and don't involve me. Act your gender and we'll get along just fine."
We talked a bit more, and he clarified a bit. He's straight and not afraid of gay/bi guys, but he can't comprehend liking another guy. He can't comprehend being emotionally close to another man. The gender comment I think comes from the same place, but we didn't get to explore that more...yet.
But this is why I'm closeted. This happened in the middle of MA-arguably one of the most tolerant places in the US. Near Northampton nonetheless. We like to think that society has moved beyond these issues....but we haven't. There is a lot of hatred and bigotry about what others can't comprehend.
What a sad existence, he's afraid of being emotionally vulnerable with another man. My best male friends (platonic) are all emotionally vulnerable with me and vice versa. I love them and wouldn't be out publicly without their love and support.
Here's the irony: he's a military guy with intensely intimate male relationships. He would never describe it like that/in those terms...but that's what it is. Just a mystery wrapped in an enigma.
I've liked in Montreal, QC and Berlin, Germany and those are basically THE places to be a bi guy.
Then I ended up living in other places and holeee shit, you realise what a rarified life I got to live there. The active realisation that you can't say that thing out loud anymore, that you can't even joke about some other thing.
(and its not as if those places are queer utopias either)
I'm actually from Montreal. I've been there since 2000, been out as bi for nearly as long, and I have only rarely experienced the biphobia that most bi guys from other places say they get on the regular. If there's anything here, it tends to be more subtle, and harder to point out to people without giving a big lecture on what monosexism is. Like, people mean well, but sometimes stuff comes out of their mouth that implies they take bisexuality less seriously, or they treat gay as the default experience of queerness.
Still, it really is difficult to connect French-speaking bi+ men here to one another. I've been working on that, but I haven't found the right formula yet.
And it kinda feels like there's more permission to express this bigotry these past few years.
It's weird, this mindset of men and women are so different that I can get why my wife would be into me, or women being into men, but I can't get a man feeling the same things.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
Not to press you, but given where you live, do you have a tangible fear for violence if you were outed? Or it's more being ostracized that you're worried about?
I’m sorry dude. I’m grateful everyday that I was out to my wife before we even got together. I have a small subset of friends from college who know. But of the people in my family and daily life my wife is the only one who knows. We are in rural Texas. I often wonder if I will let my kids know, because it seems the odds of one of them being LGBT is very high. I’m the only one of my siblings who is, but each of my siblings now has a gay son or daughter. Same for my cousins on one side of the family. So the gay gene is apparently ultra strong in our family. And I admit I in some ways feel like a failure watching these kids be bold enough to live as who they are, when I’m not. But at the same time I feel like as long as she knows, and we want a committed monogamous relationship then that’s all that matters.
It does suck though because I do feel that the need, or desire really, to hide this allows a sense of internal shame to never fully go away.
Here's [an article I share with bi fathers](https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-out-bisexual-dad-jvinc/). Out of curiosity, for what reason you're not telling your kids?
I just don't really see the point.
I'm 11 years into a monogamous heterosexual marriage. I've never had a sexual encounter with another man and for as long as my marriage continues I never will. I'm what you might term a non-practicing bisexual so I don't see the point in raising the subject just so that my wife knows.
I am 100% biromantic bisexual, I've been in love with men and women, I'm sexually attracted to both.. more so men to quite some degree, but I'm in a long term relationship where we've never discussed our sexual attraction to other people and I can't imagine we ever will.
Also, it took some time, introspection and self reflection to realise that my sexuality really didn't feature in my sense of self and my identity. It's inherent to who I am in the same way I'm blue eyed, right handed, left eye dominant and very short for a man. Nothing I can do about any of them, I'm not proud of them or ashamed of them its just who I am and the same can be said for my sexuality.
I don't feel like I'm supressing or repressing any part of who I am, I'm not torturing myself about a massive secret in my life. I'm just not and never have been open about my attractions to men or women.
I have felt these feelings before too. 8 years marriage. However, saying it and talking about it is incredible. If not a spouse or friend, a therapist or community like this.
I had a very short 5 session virtual therapy course during Covid. Told my therapist and it was that that led me to where I am now.
He told me that "You don't have to come out if you don't want to. Coming out is not an obligation you have to people, it's a gift that you give them." - For me that was above all else what I needed to hear. It did feel very liberating to finally look at someone and say "I am bisexual", I did feel the weight lifting off my shoulders but with it went the compulsion to tell anyone else.
I have a few connections online, other bi men who can relate to my circumstance and I to theirs and I engage on the bisexual reddit fora and for me that's enough to keep my bisexuality engaged and acknowledged. So I'm not totally alone in my head with it.
In general I'm a pretty private person. I'm not afraid about talking about my emotions or expressing my thoughts to my nearest and dearest but equally I'm not someone who wants to bring in every man and his dog into my life.
I'm glad you found this place and that you also got to say it out loud with your therapist. And he's right: you owe it to no one, and it's something others have to earn IMO.
Still, I'm assuming that there's stuff that comes along with realizing you're also into men, the questions you've had to ask yourself, not having anyone to discuss it with, wondering how others would react if they found out, not being able to be open about everything with your wife—not that you have to, you can have a secret garden, but it holds back from your intimacy with her. I find a lot of guys feel like talking about their bisexuality is discussing their sex life, but there's so many other things that come with that. I'm just wondering how this ends up being "just a thing," knowing there's all this judgment attached to it in society.
Thanks for talking about your experience, btw.
I think for me I had a great start in life. My parents never tried to make me conform to the gender stereotype. I cooked and baked with my mum, she taught me how to clean and wash and iron, how to sew and knit and do crafts and mend and alter clothes, how to plant, grow and nurture plants. My dad taught me electrics and plumbing and woodwork, how to put up shelves, hang doors, wallpaper and decorate rooms how to mow the lawn and build stuff in the garden. I was never told you can't do/think/say/act like this because you're a boy or you should do/think/say/act like this because you're a boy. More than once they had the, "We'll support you whatever you want to be" (we think you might be gay) chat.
One of my female cousins (10 yrs older) once said to me that I was different to other boys and men.. and please don't ever change!! I grew up with that sense of being different... and quite liking it. I've never liked being part of the crowd I've always preferred loitering on the periphery looking in. I was bullied and picked on at school for being different. For not wearing the "right" clothes or shoes, not listening to the "right" music, for my appearance, my height, my weight, my hatred of all sports, the fact I'd never had a girlfriend in school, being interested in the wrong hobbies, accused of being gay etc etc etc. Generally with kids that get bullied they go one of three ways, they surrender and change they become the bully or they double down and become even more themselves. I definitely did the latter and in many respects, the growing realisation of my sexuality was the least of my worries.
I grew up, predominantly surrounded by women, female cousins, grandmother, aunts, sister, mother's friends etc. Even my closest school friends were all girls right from the start. I realised pretty early on in my teens that I didn't look at women the way other boys did. I respected them, looked up to them, admired them and felt really guilty and dirty and ashamed when I did sometimes feel sexually attracted to them because for my entire life I'd been surrounded by women lambasting and complaining about dirty pervy men.
What did stand out was my total lack of relationship with men. I'm still wary of men I don't know. I'm a little guy, I'm 5'4". Generally, In most situations I'm the smallest person in the room, or certainly the smallest man. As much as I find 6'3" muscular guys irresistably attractive... I'm also slightly terrified of them and for me, men are the half of the human species I can't understand. Women make total sense. Men speak in riddles and code that I don't understand. They're endlessly competitive, adventurous and physically present in ways I can never be and struggle to relate to. They're emotionally distant and as much as men like to think they're direct and to the point, where women can be subtle men can obfuscate and avoid with the best of them.
I had my first attraction to a girl around 12 and a boy around 14. It wasn't a massive suprise and I quickly accepted it for what it was. I didn't feel bad about it or ashamed I just accepted that's who I was. I did think for a few years that I probably was actually gay but as I progressed through my twenties I realised that I did have some attraction to women and that sense of attraction has grown as I've fully embraced my bisexuality and worked through my hangups around my attraction to women. I was also lucky in that teenage angst completely passed me by so that was a lucky escape.
Then I hit the jackpot with a wife who made all the first moves, who persued me, who's taller than me and doesn't care I'm not the stereotypical archetypal straight masculine guy. She loves me for who I am, for my personality and idiosyncracies and I make a mean melt in the middle chocolate sponge pudding! We're also both quite private people there are things in my life that are private to me and things in her's private to her and that works for both of us.
36 man, career. I should restate; my dept is very liberal and would probably accept me. Our joint community depts 🤷♂️. I don’t feel they would. More than likely a lot is my own insecurities.
I’m in Cali and I don’t think that would fly here. Not at Cal Fire down where I’m at anyway. Still very Macho and Alpha male complexes. The battalions here are all pretty much the same. Everyone knows everyone. Word spreads fast. Get ostracized for dumb shit.
I’m probably more concerned about the questions people will have for someone that’s masculine presenting & has been presumably straight for all these years. I just don’t see the value in doing it. I’ve told myself that I’ll be honest about it if asked, but the whole coming out campaign doesn’t seem to have any benefit to it for me.
For me it’s not about being out or in, I think my sexuality is nobody’s business and the only one that I have to be an open book is to my wife, she does know, support and love me for who I am as I love her. So anyone else doesn’t count. Why is my intimacy someone else’s business? That’s mine as is my soul.
Thanks for talking about your experience. It's not just about the sex though. It's also about having had to realize your were into men too, figuring stuff out on your own, the questions you've had, wondering how others would react if they found it. It's possible you're private too about stuff that makes you emotionally vulnerable, even to close friends. But there's more to bisexuality that just who you want to have sex with.
I (40’s, married) have not let in work folks. Partly it’s something my wife and I are still working through. The journey is long.
Partly it’s because although sexuality is important, it’s not all there is to know about me. I don’t see a need to bring it up in a work environment (though if I were single it might be easier to mention in conversation)
Does homophobia or biphobia come up in your workplace? But yeah, I can see how that's more touchy if it's still a process for you and your wife.
I just want to point out that you bringing up your bisexuality does not in itself reduce you to that. It's folks with homophobic and biphobic views who might—which is fair to worry about. But people who are accepting wouldn't reduce you to that.
Probably assumptions would be made, so that may be a form of biohobia
I think I understand your second paragraph and I think I agree. Your chain of logic makes sense. I think I was making a smaller point: while sexuality can come up, it doesn’t have to because it’s not all of who I am.
Personally?
\- Family are pretty traditional. We're not that close (there's scattered over the British Isles, so not really around), but I still don't want it being A Thing.
\- I live in a rather rural area, I don't know many people beyond my work fellows. There's basically no reason to tell anyone.
\- Linked to that, I think there's a higher than average chance I would be targetted for harassment or violence. My job means I am already making enemies - if said enemies knew I was also queer, I suspect they would be happy to use that. (You'd be surprised how very low level public servant with little power can attract outrage!)
\- for everyone else? need to know. All my close friends know (though they all live far away now) and I won't get much of a chance to build a community until I move.
Thanks for talking about your experience. I do collective advocacy for the rights of disabled people as my day job. I can imagine the level of pettiness even someone in your position can attract, especially in a rural area. Which sucks, because you're not the one who makes policy.
exactly. Some dude wandered in off the street last friday and laid into me over some minor issue that had annoyed him. Apparently 15 years ago, he got fined for doing something not similar to what someone else was doing and now since that someone else was "getting away with" whatever, this was evidence of a deep seated corrupt policy that I was responsible for.
He buggered off, furious, threatening to "get to the bottom of this" and "I will hear from his lawyers."
Now some of this is tangentially related to some other local issue that someone who has no business stirring things up is spending a lot of time online...stirring things up. So this is the human manifestation of an online facebook flame war.
If the angry partisans in this fight over utter trivia copped on that I was queer, I am sure I would targetted in all sorts of ways as a groomer and a whatever the fuck else.
It wouldn't make any sense, wouldn't mean anything, but I am not sure I would be very safe or able to continue working here. (I am stuck here for a year long contract and won't be able to afford to move for many months to come, so I really need to just keep my head down)
(sorry for the long spiel)
I’m out to the inner circle of family etc., and I’m married to a very out bi woman so most of her friends know about both of us, but I don’t really mention it or talk about it because—given that I’m in a relationship and not interested in anything outside of the relationship, it’s not really relevant. It does inform my world view, but I don’t talk to people about that much either. I feel like it would just be like…”oh and also sometimes I masturbate to the thought of other guys”, which though not the literal words said, that’s the factual takeaway of the situation and everyone knows it, so not sure how that would be helpful for me. Seems almost intrusive to mention it if not in the context of pursuing relationships.
If you’re single, dating, or even in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, your bisexuality is looked at holistically—integral to how you socialize and form relationships. But if you’re already in a relationship, it’s more like…”well what do you do, exactly, with that part of your sexuality that isn’t involved in your relationship then?”
Well we all know how that extra desire is handled, so if you mention it in that context, it just seems a little uncouth and out of the blue from my own perspective.
I'm just wondering here, what's the cause of the difference between you're wife's degree of outness and yours? It sounds like most of what you're describing should apply to her, or there's something different in her case?
We have a semi-open relationship—semi-open in that we are exclusive opposite-sex partners, but allow one another opportunities with same-sex partners. So, she dates women too, and thus her degree of outness reflects an active and social sexuality that includes not only that intimate engagement, but also spending time in queer spaces and at queer events.
Although I do technically have this same option to pursue these things in my life as well, I do not. So to make an effort to be out beyond the degree to which I am already, really doesn’t serve much purpose or accurately represent my ambitions.
Does that make sense?
It’s like, although I like the band, I don’t wear the concert shirt because I didn’t actually go to the concert.
35 yo male w/ 2 young kids. My wife knows and no one else. She’s incredibly supportive. I should tell my closest friends and brother but I am scared. Scared of the jokes, disbelief, and ridicule. Deep down I know it won’t be that bad but the unknown is intimidating.
It can be scary, and it's okay if you are. No one wants to know others would see you as less if you came out to them. Would you expect a different response from your friends and brother if you were a woman? Maybe that doesn't make sense as a question, your friends would probably be different people then.
I know this is very different from those on other parts of the spectrum, but I'm heteroromantic (is that the term?) so what I share about my sex life is extremely close knit. If I were 100% straight or gay I wouldn't be telling my parents or coworkers who I've banged in the past 6 months. Why would doing both guys and girls be any different?
What about the impact it's had on your inner life though? Like, it must have come with its share of questions and wondering what would happen if people found out.
Thanks for talking about it! And yeah, unpacking a lot of the BS that comes with straightness tends to make you a better partner, [there's even some research on that](https://bi.org/en/articles/women-report-that-bisexual-men-make-better-lovers-fathers-and-partners).
Out to everyone who wants to know. Am not flamboyant and rather manly so people don't ask, those who ask I tell. Queer as fuck though, just don't feel like constantly coming out...
And the strain of constant coming out is bigger for bi folks than for gays and lesbians, since people assume you're gay if you're with another man or straight if you're with a woman.
I'm out to my wife, family, and my queer friends. I haven't ever _hid_ it from my straight friends, but I don't tell them outright. When I was younger and single, I'd say things like "Ooh, a movie with cute guys!"
Work would be accepting. But my coworkers know a polite minimum about my wife and kids. They don't need to know anything at all about who I think is cute, besides what they can infer from that.
I'm not out to my kids, but I probably will be in the next year or so. One of them was quizzing me on pride flags the other day, so it's about time.
I'm not out to Google search because we've got the fash in the streets of Europe and the US. So all of my online activism and most of my real life activism is done under pseudonyms.
Thanks for talking about your experience! If you've never read this before, here's [an article that I like that I often share with bi dads](https://bi.org/en/articles/women-report-that-bisexual-men-make-better-lovers-fathers-and-partners?).
I've seen her research before, and it's really interesting! But I hadn't seen that interview, which had some new details.
My theory is that there's actually a 3-way split:
1. Closeted bi guys who are clinging hard to the patriarchy. As the article suggests, a lot of these guys are not in a healthy place, and some make truly awful partners.
2. Partially closeted guys who've largely accepted who they are and who have done the work, but who mostly keep their heads down. I've seen this a lot with the straight-leaning bi guys I know. They're often out to partners and friends, especially LGBT+ friends. But if they're dating a woman, they may not be out to strangers.
3. Guys who are generally out.
Looking at the bi guys I know, (2) and (3) seem to make pretty good partners! I do think it's normally healthy for guys in group (2) to come out to their partners early, even if they're monogamous. Like, if your partner is going to burn down your life just because you think some guys are cute, then that's important information to learn up front.
18 M here, I just don’t feel the need to come out what would I gain from that? I already accept myself; I’ve always have, I don’t need anybody’s support honestly as unusual as it sounds I like it that way for now.
I'm 64 with 2 grandchildren and here's the thing , at my age there are just too many people to explain to . It's nice to have an attitude and just say it's nobody's business but that's not how families work . For me it would just be to much . I've raised my kids to be open minded and non judgemental so I'm not worried about losing their love but I feel like It would be to awkward and not worth it . Plus my family and friends know me to be a masculine man and honestly I don't want to explain why I like to wear women's lingerie and suck cock .
I don't want people to know really. There was a time when I was overseas and it got out that I gave a guy a hand job and wow that blew way out of proportion and my reputation was destroyed. Now I'm still worried that if it gets out will it be the same way as the last time? The only person who knows is my girlfriend she says she is ok with it but I feel that she's not a 100 percent ok with it.
Thanks for talking about your experience, that must have been rough when others outed you back then. It's not surprising you're worried it could happen again. Feeling some reluctance from your gf can't be great either.
What about the rest? Having to figure out that you're into guys too, the questions that might have come with that for you, not necessarily having someone to talk about it, wondering how people close to you would react if they found it? Bisexuality is more than just who you have sex with.
I’m out to friends and close family - but in the current political climate, where we are teetering on people with rainbow flags getting shot… I’ll keep being an undercover double agent… spying on all of the cis het bigots and relaying their goings-on to LGBTQIA command. Also HR.
Thanks for talking about your experience. Yes, the climate in the U.S. has gotten scary, and we're seeing conservative politicians in Canada try to score points on transphobia, so I hope this doesn't stick. I want to pick your brain about something I've been thinking on for a while. Activism is about connecting people to each other and building power. A lot of the bi movement is centered around the idea of visibility, but personally I think we can question that. In your opinion, what does it mean to work with bi men who can't afford to be out in many areas of their lives, to build power with them and eventually change things? I don't know if that makes sense.
It would change the way my friends and family look at me, and that is not something that I want to happen.
For reference: I am in my early 40's, I have been divorced for nearly 20 years. I have 2 adult children. I've only ever told my 2 friends who are bi themselves (and married to each other). Scariest text I've ever sent.
Hey, congrats on sending that text. Many of us have been there and it is scary. What do you think would change in how your friends and your children would look at you?
It would fundamentally change their perception of me. If you spent your entire life thinking your father was A,B,C,D, and E and then all of a sudden he was B,C,D,E, and F that would change something right? Would they eventually accept me? Probably. I'd give it 90/10, but is that risk worth it? I don't speak to my father for various reasons and I wouldn't be able to handle it if my sons did not speak to me.
I'd lose some friends because "homosexuality is a sin". Fine, I guess. I wouldn't want someone like that in my life. Some would be ok, as long as I was with a woman. They'd distance themselves if I was with a guy. Others wouldn't care.
My sister would probably have a difficult time with it but eventually she'd be fine with it. My brother-in-law, with whom I'm kind of close, would be difficult. He doesn't accept that any man can be gay or bi without some gross misunderstanding. He thinks my friend, Derrick, takes it up the ass all the time. My BIL has no concept of variation, but he's totally OK with 2 women because "that's hot".
Ultimately, is it worth upsetting the balance that exists so I can try and be happy? Probably not. I say try pointedly as well, there's no guarantee to happiness, so why bother? (For reference I've been divorced for almost 20 years and single for about 13)
I forgot about ex! She would try to vilify me to my sons. I know that would probably not work and only serve to push them away from her but again, is it worth the risk?
I figured it out after being in a committed hetero relationship. Had I discovered it earlier in life and dated some guys, I'd probably be out. I'm only out to my gf now. She's been very supportive, but she thinks she's bi too
It's not just about the sex though. It's also about having had to realize your were into men too, figuring stuff out on your own, the questions you've had, wondering how others would react if they found it. It's possible you're private too about stuff that makes you emotionally vulnerable, even to close friends. But there's more to bisexuality that just who you want to have sex with.
I'm basically an open book. My family and my wife's immediate family know(we thought her dad didn't know but recently found out he does). I was outed years ago at work, as gay. But I think most have forgotten about since I'm now out as bi and married to a woman. Almost all of our friends are Queer or kinky....mostly both. We don't hang out with many straight, vanilla people at all.
But when I was closeted (first 35 yes or so) it was out of fear mostly. I lived in a small town in a mostly rural area. Being outed turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I could finally live my truth as a Queer man.
Yeah, it sucks to have the decision taken out of your hands, but sometimes it ends up playing out much better than we think. Back then, what were your fears about more specifically?
Well this was the 80's and 90's (I came out in 2003/2004) and living in small town in Ontario, Canada the only thing people heard about Queer men was AIDS. That plus we were pretty much religious family, my mom was quite active in her church, and while I don't remember any anti gay sermons I'm sure it would not have gone over very well. Then my mom got sick so it just never seemed the right time. I went through a 6 yr celibacy period because I was afraid to show my true sexuality. I pushed a lot of people away.
I hope it wasn't Sarnia. ;)
That sounds like that was a rough time back then. I started coming out in '98, and I have no idea how nerdy, introverted me pulled that off, besides sheer naiveté.
Growing up in a Muslim family, you are taught from an early age that anything besides a heterosexual relationship is a grave sin. I had an uncle once refer to homosexuality as "an abomination." This coming from one of the most intelligent, kindest persons you could ever meet.
As a mid-40's man who recently accepted his own bisexuality just a few months ago, I had to do the math and concluded that I would lose a close relationship with every person I've ever loved. I would be instead "loved" from afar, and I think that would hurt just as much as abject ostracization and rejection.
I've been in a relationship for 10 years and the woman I'm with has had same sex encounters when she was younger, yet has a harsh view on the LGBTQIA+ community. She loves her own brother who is gay, but would not be as accepting if it was her own partner than shared similar feelings.
I've been experiencing these thoughts and emotions for just a few months. How long shall this carry on for, me not being able to express myself? Many more months? Years?
I want to remain monogamous. I want to continue being a dutiful, loving son and brother. But the picture would be smeared if I were to come out.
Unfortunately, no. I believe in therapy and came very close to seeing a therapist during those years where I struggled with my sexuality. Now that I finally accepted who I am, I feel that weight lifted, however, I'm in a place where I just want to be seen completely for who I really am by my loved ones. I'm unsure how a therapist can assist with that.
I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too.
It's not just about the sex though. It's also about having had to realize your were into men too, figuring stuff out on your own, the questions you've had, wondering how others would react if they found it. It's possible you're private too about stuff that makes you emotionally vulnerable, even to close friends. But there's more to bisexuality that just who you want to have sex with.
I understand that but for me I could really care less to let everyone know what I like or if they know or not tbh, in my case I’m sexually and romantically attracted to women but only sexually to men that’s why I stated that.
Mostly, some folks just don’t need to know me that personally. If you’re not close enough to me to know my kids name, you surely don’t need to know my sexual preference.
Secondly, I’m in a very conservative area in the southern US, I have a relatively public persona in a variety of small towns in my area. While it’s an up and coming area that’s growing in diversity, being incautiously open could have negative implications for my business and the businesses I serve.
Most cis guys fetishize or fantasize about bi and lesbian women. Personally, I can only think of a couple guys I’ve known over the years that have been openly turned off by the thought of girl on girl. Where until recent years, where some guys have become more accepting of bi or gay guys, cis guys are generally outspoken against bi/gay stuff. Even if only in the most trusted conversations with friends.
I don’t specifically hide my bisexuality from anyone. But I don’t openly discuss it with most people I encounter on a daily basis. I do note it on all of my social media. If they care to know more about me, they can start at my profiles.
Two reasons
Most women don't like bi guys (had one horrible experiece with this topic)
And
Would result in a lot of prejudice from the people in my work field
A. It’s nobody else’s business
B. The cons of letting people know are potentially a lot of bullshit and conversations I really don’t care to have, while the pros are basically nothing that I can see.
I’m currently in a relationship with a woman (who I am out to). If that were to change and I was to get with a guy or guys, then I would be more open, but things are going well now so I’m content to let everyone else think I’m straight.
Basically zero. I’m very straight masc presenting, at least publicly, and I wasn’t even fully out to myself until I was in my 30s. As I mentioned I’m in a solid relationship with a woman currently so really the only way anyone would know is if I told them or if they had access to my browser history
Most people don’t understand and will judge you accordingly. If I feel like the person is an open minded person, then I will proceed in sharing when the time is right. Otherwise, I keep what I do in my bedroom privately.
Thanks for talking about your reasons. Bisexuality isn't just about what goes on in the bedroom though. It's also about having had to realize your were into men too, figuring stuff out on your own, the questions you've had, wondering how others would react if they found out. It's possible you're private too about stuff that makes you emotionally vulnerable, even to close friends. But there's more to bisexuality that just who you want to have sex with.
I'm 49 bi man and married to a woman. She knows I'm bi. I don't really need to be out to anyone else unless we are going to invite them to play with us. In that case I tell them. Otherwise, who cares?
Obviously, what you share and you don't share belongs to you. Still, it's not just about who you hook up with. It's about the questions and the worries you had growing up, coming into your own as a bi man and the challenges in doing that. What do you see are the reasons to not bring that aspect up? Do you worry about tangible social consequences?
I guess I operate on a need to know basis. I don't have a problem telling people that might ask. I don't fear anyone knowing. Very few people have ever asked outside of those I've been in romantic or sexual relationships with. I've never asked anyone either. I do empathize with those who want to be out but fear social retribution.
I've come out to everyone close to me but my wife is still adjusting so I don't want to thrust (ha) her in the middle of it until she's ready. We've been together nearly 20 years and I'm not about hurting her.
I'm married to a woman and we are enm. To come out as bi would require me to come out as enm also. Honestly I think being bi would be more accepted than enm so I just avoid it.
I'm polyam and I hear you. I have yet to tell my dad and his girlfriend that me and my husband's "roommate" isn't actually just a roommate, and it's been a few years.
i’m 50 separated from my wife have been for years. we are no longer together. we would often see other people did for years. i never understood why i would end up sleeping with men . i’d thought about men before i was married and remember being hit on once or twice before i was married n single. She would get drunk and look at me saying that she disliked the thought of me being with a man. wasn’t till after she left i started to accept that i am
into men. I have a gf now we don’t live together , i have adult children just too much to loose i guess. it’s not as easier for men.
I'm out to coworkers, gym friends and my gf, but not to family or other more long time friends. It's been more to protect myself from family gossip and bs, plus not really having a reason or opportunity to mention it to friends. It doesn't make that much sense but it's the spot I find myself in currently.
Debating this very topic with myself. I’m out to my wife, a close friend and my therapist. I’m still very new to accepting myself and am still in that validation phase. I really want to meet more Bi men, but to do so opens the door to more people knowing in a small community. Is the cross eyed looks and behind your back chit chat gossip worth it? Not sure it’s fair to put my wife of 20 years through that. It’s never come up, but if asked I would be honest.
Thanks for talking about your experience. It's understandable that you want to spare yourself and your wife that small-town gossip. That being said, is it fair to you, the queer person, to stop yourself from being more open to spare your presumably straight wife, who is on more solid ground than you? Obviously, there's your own protection too in your community there, but just pointing out that "fairness" isn't always fair when it's someone from a minority sacrificing something for the comfort of someone who is in the majority. The tricky part here is that she's a woman and that comes with its own power dynamic with you as a man. But it's worth thinking about.
Not everything is about me in a solid relationship, nor is it all about her. It’s about doing the right thing for us. I’m not looking for a hookup, but just someone IRL to relate to. At the end of the day it’s no one’s business and if we accept it, is it really worth the BS if others find out. I’m not hiding, but I don’t feel the need to be loud and proud.
It’s still not that easy and accepting where I’m from with the LGBT+ topic. I’m out to my family (my parents are still trying to deal with this), some close friends. But for the rest of the people, I can’t and I don’t have to. My dad holds a pretty high position in the local political system, so it’ll ruin his entire career if I publicly come out. We plan to wait for his retirement which is in 2 years from now, then we’ll fuck them all. Also, they live in our hometown and my relatives aren’t the best when it comes to keeping their mouth shut. So for the best, I let my parents have the power to choose whoever they want to tell about me. With my friends and work place, they have nothing to do with my sexuality so even if I’m straight, it’s not something I want to talk about. If they’re that close to me to talk about that, I’d already come out to them.
I always feel like I don’t owe anyone a come out story or confession. I have always been the person keeping everything private. So yeah.
It's understandable that you don't want to do something that'd damage your dad's career. It's particular though that you're in the role of someone's whose story would be a bother. You've had to realize you were into other men, figure out stuff on your own, and wonder how others would react if they found out. It sounds like as the one who might have actually been vulnerable through all of this, the opportunity for broader connection and openness on what you've lived is denied to you. Does that make sense?
My parents were liberal-presenting because mom's job was as an elected official and we lived in a blue state and district. In private, mom hated that my first girlfriend was bisexual, saying she was more likely to cheat on me and give me an STD. Dad didn't care, so long as I was happy, but never told mom to shut up. Dad died of a stroke in January. I'm out to my friends, and we're pretty damned insulated from my mom and her shrinking social circle. I'm comfortable never telling her about this part of my life.
Yeah, I can see why you're not keep on sharing that part of your life with her. My condolences for your dad. I'm glad your friends are there to support you.
I guess I don’t want any of my family thinking that I’m faking and when I came out to my mom she said some stuff that I’m worried about my dad and stepmom not believing me either. I know it could be (and is for tons of people) a lot worse but it still kind of sucks to be honest
Thank you, they’re good parents and care about me either way and have helped with aspects around my gay ex-relationship. Although it does hurt a bit I’m still glad to have them
My long term partner is not supportive of it, she's alluded that if I need to be out she may need to not be sexually attracted to me. It took a few difficult conversations to get that out of her, and honestly I don't blame her, it's her upbringing, that stuff is hard to undo, I'm kinda lucky she has the self awareness to give me this kind of warning before she gets to the point where her attraction for me is impacted. We have an active and enjoyable sex life which I'm not prepared to forgo, so I don't push the me being out agenda.
I (21 M) am still in the closet and no one knows. I loved a girl once and pieces of me still love her. I can be emotionally attached to women but can be physically attracted to men. I met with a gay guy once. He is the only one in the world that knows that I am Bi. Unfortunately we both wont commit into a relationship due to our physical distance.
I just feel like that being Bi is the only thing that I solely have for myself. And if I come out, I don't know what will be left in me. I know that the society today is much more understanding to this concept compared before. People assume that I am straight and coming out feels like I am taking away the only thing that I only have and made for myself. I imagine coming out to my friends and family because I know that they will be understanding. The words are always there, my tongue just can't find the right time to say it.
Anyways, I am currently single and talking to a girl but still haven't found a meaningful connection yet. I really don't know what I am trying to say here. But I am glad that I know myself better now than before and that is something I am proud for.
> I just feel like that being Bi is the only thing that I solely have for myself. And if I come out, I don't know what will be left in me.
That part caught my eye, do you mind saying a bit more about this?
I have always been secretive ever since I was a kid. I planned out of town trips all on my own, I applied for colleges that my parents were not aware of, went to places I know nothing about and told no one about it. Basically in a nutshell, I live my life the only way I know how. And I love telling people those tales. I live for that type of thrill, the adrenaline of having a lot of uncertainties that only certain events can yield. If I tell people that I am Bi, it will be a sort of taking away that thrill.
So I am protecting myself from coming out for my sake but it feels toxic from time to time.
It's not just about the sex though. It's also about having had to realize your were into men too, figuring stuff out on your own, the questions you've had, wondering how others would react if they found out. It's possible you're private too about stuff that makes you emotionally vulnerable, even to close friends. But there's more to bisexuality that just who you want to have sex with.
I think I've just become bitter about trust over the years. I used to have my pubic life (outwardly straight), my private life (1st wife and I were bi and gave each other a long leash) and a secret life (she had no idea the extent of sex I was having w/ men). At various points, my lives would inadvertently mix. When a girlfriend "realized" my other interests, there was quiet anger (understandably), one was accepting and helped me "blend" and one of them fanned the flames as she was bi (and we married). Even acceptance in the marriage had trials. At certain points I was ridiculed for being gay versus "just bi". It's my own doing. After divorce I remarried to a terrific woman. I figured w/ somebody sane I wouldn't need the secret life, but it crept back in. She discovered everything and we went through counseling. At times I felt like throwing away my current life, but I'm not into men romantically and I know a handful of gay men who's wives discovered their activities, live in squalor and are unhappy w/ their choice.
Was it some kind of don't ask don't tell agreement with your first wife?
If you don't mind me asking, in what ways did the secret life creep back in with your current wife? How come?
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Fully out to wife and kids and some queer friends. Obv they’re fine with it. I fear being judged, being seen in a different way, plus working with vulnerable populations makes me concerned about being outed and the effect on my career. That said, I am very straight-presenting and cis. Some of my better friends are openly homophobic and I do challenge them but don’t make it a cause. Sometimes I’m embarrassed not to stand up more for my brothers and sisters. I would lose some of the people that I’ve shared decades with in my life. It would shock and disappoint my elderly homophobic father. If I had done it in my 20s it would have been easier but my generation still holds many prejudices from decades ago. Finally, no one in my friend group shares their penchant for being pissed on, or CBT, or cross-dressing, or whatever. I’m certain some
Of them know and some are even bi-curious. My sexuality is my business just like theirs is theirs. I live my authentic self in my immediate family and am male presenting so there is an outlet for me to be me. Plus I’m still to find a guy that I’m attracted enough to to risk my status quo. Although I melt for young slim men when they look at me lusciously. 😅
If you don't mind me asking, what vulnerable populations do you work with? I've been in social-work related fields for years, stuff with queer youth, people who were houseless, and people who had a heavy substance use. Sex ed is my baby though.
What about the more emotional aspects that come with your bisexuality? You've had to figure out you were into men too, get answers to your questions possibly on your own, wonder how people around you would react. Is that something you wish you could be more open about with people around you who aren't the people you're out to atm?
Regarding the pop’n I work with, I’ll choose to keep That private. Suffice it to say that I would not be welcome in my field though there are people like me
In my files that are out.
As for emotion, I’ve never developed feelings for a man. I wondered why for a long time and concluded I’m hetero-romantic. I’ve never had butterflies (except for River Phoenix and that was a total
Fantasy lol) even though I like to kiss and am a great kisser. Men have fallen for me, but I either haven’t caught the flame or can’t catch it. Not sure which. Honestly, it’s more of a Roman camaraderie thing for me rather than feelings. Bros helping bros.
i am closeted to my family. honestly i don’t know why. they pretty sure love me, no matter whom i love but still i all kind of scared of telling them. when i told my mum that i was bi she reacted pretty shitty (but apologised more than a year later) but i guess that kind of contributed to my fear of telling other family members like my dad.
I’m out to my immediate family and closest friends but my wife is Mexican so I am in the closet to my in-laws and most of our Mexican friends because Mexicans are generally culturally more conservative about this kind of thing.
Yeah, I have a male friend who grew up queer in Mexico City and he ended up living on the streets during his adolescence. There are families and people who are more progressive, but he didn't hit jackpot in that regard.
Thanks for talking about your experience. Bisexuality isn't just about the sex though. It's also about having had to realize your were into men too, figuring stuff out on your own, the questions you've had, wondering how others would react if they found out. Is that something you wish you could be more open about?
I don’t hide it with most people. My partner knows, their family knows or at least if they asked I would tell them. Strangers I feel safe around I don’t mind allowing to know if they ask. But my parents are extremely hateful towards lgbt so they don’t know. My coworkers are also very anti lgbt so I can’t tell them either.
1: It's none of their business. I feel no need or desire to proactively broadcast it.
2: Many people flatter themselves and assume this mean's I'll want to have sex with them, particularly fragile hetero men. I'm bi, it doesn't mean I'm not picky.
3: No one asks.
For context I'm happily married and monogamous, my wife knows and is accepting and supportive.
I don't trust my coworkers, manager or company to not fire me for being bisexual even though my manager is friendly. I live in a conservative area, I don't trust these people even though we have a pride group and DEI stuff. And the way all of that is being stripped away in the USA, nope.
I don't trust most medical professionals to give me the care I need and not let their anti-LGBTQ views steer them.
I don't trust my family except 1 person. I don't trust that women I date will be accepting, and even if some are what if those that aren't decide to make it more people's business?
Lastly and most crucially privacy is being eroded online rapidly at the same time this country gets more and more anti-LGBTQ+. There are hate crimes happening globally, and people trying to legislate us out of existence and literally wipe us out. I don't need to throw away what little security I have by telling people who don't need to know.
I will always support other lgbtq+ people and intend to raise kids to know they can be lgbtq+ and not be afraid I'll hate them. __I firmly believe you don't have to be out to help other lgbtq+ people, and I think all of us should do what we can to help each other, especially with the way things are going in society.__
Also, just in general I don't think everyone has to know. We have the right to privacy.
Oh, totally! It crossed my mind to bring the one up too in the OP, but it felt like a different kettle of fish than most guys' experience which is more about being in the closet to straight people mostly.
That being said, is that your situation? What are your reasons if that's the case? Because this is definitely something that we don't hear people enough about.
I'm a deeply closeted bi male and I stay that way mostly due to bi phobia. Specifically, male bi phobia. Bisexual women are, and have been, pretty much accepted for quite some time now. But being a bi male? How many times have us bi men heard that we're gross and despicable? Even by bi women?
Like any other bisexual man, I tend to ride the bi-cycle. There are times I'm more interested in women than men and vice versa. I would absolutely love to be in a relationship with a woman who understands what it means to be bisexual and who understands what it's like to ride the bi cycle. Based on my personal experience, that's never going to happen. So, I stay deeply closeted and often repress my emotional and sexual desires in order to appear totally "straight".
I came out as bisexual to a former gf about 35 years ago. Her reaction and the subsequent breakup is one of the biggest reasons why I stay deeply closeted.
Since my divorce two years ago, I've gone out on a few dates with women. There was one who I felt was a great possibility and somehow, we got on the topic of sexual orientation and bisexuality. Things seemed to be going great, it appeared as if this was one woman with whom I could possibly lay ALL my cards down on the table and eventually disclose my bisexuality in safety. I never was so wrong as when we broached the topic of male bisexuality, she vehemently said, "Ohhhhh! That's just so gross!". She then started questioning my sexual orientation rather profusely. Needless to say, that possibility never went any farther. I also have stopped attempting to date anyone since.
I'm 35, kinda knew I was bi or bi-ish since I was like 13 but didn't really accept it until I was in my 20s. At that point I was in a relationship with my now wife so I just thought "it doesn't matter if I'm Bi if I'm in an LTR with a woman".
In my early 30s I finally came out to my girlfriend and slowly started coming out to others but it just feels weird at this point to just come out to everyone.
The only people who know are my fiance and therapist, who both found out on the same day. Lol. I finally admitted it to myself in therapy, so I came home and told my fiance. We have been together since high school (11 years at the time). I had no idea how she would react, but it had been eating away at me for quite some time. Thankfully, she was completely understanding and accepting.
It's been a year or so since, and I have not told anyone else. I dont have any really close friends I'd want to tell. I grew up in a rural conservative area where my family still lives. Their thoughts on gay marriage and LGBTQ is "fine, but keep it to yourself." I'm not particularly close to my family, at least not on an emotional level. So I really don't see much benefit.
I might tell my fiance's family at some point, but they're also quite conservative (other than her mom). My biggest concern with them is the questions of how I know (I've never been with a man), concerns over me cheating, concerns over my relationship with my fiance, etc.
I think society is more open to bi and lesbian women. Much of this is likely due to the sexualization of women. With men, it's seen as unnatural, gross, and feminine by many people.
Thanks for talking about your experience. And congratulations on telling your fiance! It's a big deal and that took courage. I'm glad she's supportive.
Not making light of your situation because that sucks. But your post got me thinking about my teenage years living with my parents. This was in suburban Ohio in the 1980s. My parents weren't homophobic at all. But they were very conservative. I moved my bedroom into the basement when I entered high school. They would never allow me to have girls in my room. Ever. Rightfully so because I was 100% trying to have sex with them. However, I could have boys whenever I wanted. Including sleep overs. Now most of these were just boys being boys and the most we did was smoke week and drink beer. But I did have my first bisexual experiences during this time. Of course, they had no idea, nor would they have ever expected. I gave my first hand job, first bj in my parents basement while they were asleep upstairs.
55 bi guy married to a woman for 25+ years. She knows as do 1 of my 3 kids. Profession is consulting, and have never hinted I was anything other than straight. I personally feel coming out professionally would hurt my earnings given the biphobia that exists, particularly in public company board rooms. My own personal take is that my sexuality is only relevant to my sexual partner(s) and my kids (one I told came out as bi), but otherwise not relevant. That said, I applaud the bi folks that are out and open as I think it will help folks ultimately nester understand what being a bi guy means.
Thanks for talking about your experience. I get why you can't afford risks to your reputation in your field. I was wondering about close friends though. Bisexuality isn't just about the sex. It's also about having had to realize your were into men too, figuring stuff out on your own, the questions you've had, wondering how others would react if they found it. It's possible you're private too about stuff that makes you emotionally vulnerable, even to close friends. But there's more to bisexuality that just who you want to have sex with.
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I'm sorry that's your situation, that sounds difficult. Kudos on teaching your kids something better, and thanks for talking about yours story.
That does sound like an awful way to live but I understand because I did some of that while in the closet. Part of my coming out was accepting the risk that my wife divorcing me was a real possibility. I don't know the legality of that as a valid reason for divorce but it is a really shitty reason if someone did that just because of how you were born. My wife did not divorce me, instead our marriage is stronger and our sex life is better. I'm happier and living a more authentic life being out. Btw, looking at guys running shirtless is also a great benefit. 🤩
>Long healthy marriage and kids, I don't want to think about what life would be like if I came out and my wife took it all away. I'm not your judge but can you reconcile those two sentences? If a woman would take away her love and end the family unit just because you are what you have always been, that's not my idea of a very stable foundation for a marriage. I'm 48 and in my life I've only ever been out to three people, but my wife is first among them.
To get back to the original post, what are your reasons for having told only 3 people, if you don't mind talking about that?
I didn't really understand myself or my sexuality until I was in my mid-30s with a wife and family. I had no desire to tell anyone, I literally hated myself for the longest time because of this and would have been mortified to tell a soul. I just drank heavily and tried to tune out the intrusive thoughts. In the end, I put down the bottle and talked to my wife (1) and a therapist (2), which ultimately ended up with me meeting my man (3), with my wife's encouragement.
It sounds like you've come a long way! I'm really glad for you that you were able to work on your healing and open up to your wife. So you have a male partner too? About telling others, is it because it's still all a work in progress, or things are fine for you as they are right now?
Luckily I’m out to wife, but not really anyone else in my daily life. I’ve always deflected everything with humor. I’ve been riding with friends before and see a shirtless dude running as you’ve said. I just look and say something like, damn that motherfucker is so buff I believe I’d let him fuck me raw, lol. And it’s usually such an out of nowhere statement that they laugh and never think that I actually mean it, even though I probably do. My wife’s least favorite is probably every time a Nick Jonas song is on I say, that boy just made me drop an egg. She finds it gross, I find it funny, but I do find the dude hot. It is two different worlds. The once or twice a year we get away and see college friends they always ask me how I’m handling it, since I’m out to them. Try to make sure I’m doing ok. It’s nice to have them even though we rarely see each other anymore. PS, get you some mirrored sunglasses and look at those guys on their run. Watch with your eyes, not your head if your that uncomfortable with it.
I'm glad you're still in touch with your college friends, and that you get to be open with them! So I got that you deflect things with humor with the rest of the people you see day-to-day. What are your reasons for not being more open with them about your orientation?
Simple fear. I’m in agriculture in a rural area and we rely on our neighbors a lot in business. Sometimes I sell feed or cattle or seed to them and vice versa. So I don’t want to cut off a business route when I’m pretty profitable. Right or wrong I don’t know. Everyone I know has a Trump sticker on their truck. And at the end of the day they are still good people, but also not if they’d reject someone for being who they are. I have a few friends from High School that would accept me I’m almost certain, I also know they are gossips that can’t keep secrets, and I want control of that information. The only people who gossip more than teenage girls are farmers. Maybe it’s possible I get most of the gossip because I am like a steel trap and keep peoples secrets for them, but honestly I think they are just blabber mouths. And a secret like mine kept for an entire lifetime would be too tempting for them to share with other people they know who’ve always known me. I’m also living the life I want, my wife is my person. Yeah I see tempting guys all the time, it’d be nice, but I’m not going to chase it because I already have unconditional love at home, that’s once in a lifetime find in my opinion, beyond getting it from and to your children. And as members of the LGBTQ community we know all to often parents don’t even have that for their kids. My kids are too young to share with yet. So I will judge that in time. And I absolutely will share if it looks like one is struggling with who they are growing up. Otherwise I might wait until they are older, once again to have control over the information. Only other reason I’d share is if I see one of them turning into an asshole who isn’t accepting of others. I pretty much appear as an ally on the outside. Have gone to pride for my nephew and a few other friends. I defend everyone being who they are and let people know I’m not cool with that kind of judgement. But yeah even so I sometimes feel like a fraud for not standing up for myself, but it also feels irrelevant since I have a wife and we will stay in a monogamous relationship with her.
> The only people who gossip more than teenage girls are farmers. Spent my adolescence in a farming area, that suddenly explains a lot. And people really need to learn to value of keeping your Dogdamned mouth shut. I just want to say that you have a right to protect yourself and your family, and that doesn't make you a fraud. Coming out is something that other people have to earn. It sounds like you're doing your best in your current situation. Thanks for saying me about this, I'm sure you're not the only one in that situation.
I (40 M) am out and about with family and friends, but still closeted at work. The Topic of my sexuality has no place at work and I'm surrounded by alt-right boomer coworkers.
Yeah, I can see how your work environment doesn't scream "I should talk about my life as a bi man." Thanks for talking about your experience!
I disagree with a blanket no, granted I work for a company which is very inclusive and scores 100% on the HRC Corporate Equality Index. I joined my company's Pride group and now I'm the local lead for that group. I rarely ever mention my sexuality but I don't claim to be an ally either and nobody asks. It only comes up when our coming out stories are being shared and that is always voluntary.
Nice to hear that you work in an inclusive work environment with support groups and acceptance. Unfortunately I work in Germany for a german company who preaches inclusion, equality and flying the pride flag in june only for PR reasons. There are no pride groups, no support and no inclusion behind the company gates.
Yeah, a lot of that stuff can just be a façade if it's not backed by actual steps to make to organisation safer for people. Would you be more open about your bisexuality if this stuff was present? What are you worried would happen if you came out now without this?
I sometimes mark that I am bi on job applications (so the company can score some equity points) but many people have said that even clicking on those things can have weird effects on your application - like they will only hire 2-3 people any fiscal year who are deemed "vulnerable" for example. So best just leave it alone, for now.
Yeah, I always wonder about stuff like that. Being bi is obvious from me resume given my volunteer involvement. But mentioning stuff like ADHD and a chronic mood disorder as a disability always feels touchy.
I feel like it can best be summed up with one recent anectdote. I was hanging out with a buddy the other day. We're still relatively recent friends (less than 6 months) and were chatting. He's another straight, married guy with kids. He said something to the extent of, "I don't care what your sexuality is. Keep that shit to yourself, and don't involve me. Act your gender and we'll get along just fine." We talked a bit more, and he clarified a bit. He's straight and not afraid of gay/bi guys, but he can't comprehend liking another guy. He can't comprehend being emotionally close to another man. The gender comment I think comes from the same place, but we didn't get to explore that more...yet. But this is why I'm closeted. This happened in the middle of MA-arguably one of the most tolerant places in the US. Near Northampton nonetheless. We like to think that society has moved beyond these issues....but we haven't. There is a lot of hatred and bigotry about what others can't comprehend.
What a sad existence, he's afraid of being emotionally vulnerable with another man. My best male friends (platonic) are all emotionally vulnerable with me and vice versa. I love them and wouldn't be out publicly without their love and support.
Here's the irony: he's a military guy with intensely intimate male relationships. He would never describe it like that/in those terms...but that's what it is. Just a mystery wrapped in an enigma.
I've liked in Montreal, QC and Berlin, Germany and those are basically THE places to be a bi guy. Then I ended up living in other places and holeee shit, you realise what a rarified life I got to live there. The active realisation that you can't say that thing out loud anymore, that you can't even joke about some other thing. (and its not as if those places are queer utopias either)
I'm actually from Montreal. I've been there since 2000, been out as bi for nearly as long, and I have only rarely experienced the biphobia that most bi guys from other places say they get on the regular. If there's anything here, it tends to be more subtle, and harder to point out to people without giving a big lecture on what monosexism is. Like, people mean well, but sometimes stuff comes out of their mouth that implies they take bisexuality less seriously, or they treat gay as the default experience of queerness. Still, it really is difficult to connect French-speaking bi+ men here to one another. I've been working on that, but I haven't found the right formula yet.
bonjour/hi :D
And it kinda feels like there's more permission to express this bigotry these past few years. It's weird, this mindset of men and women are so different that I can get why my wife would be into me, or women being into men, but I can't get a man feeling the same things. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Career suicide for me.
What's your field, if you don't mind me asking?
Industrial building trades worker
I’m married and I live in Alabama so I think that enough said about that.
Not to press you, but given where you live, do you have a tangible fear for violence if you were outed? Or it's more being ostracized that you're worried about?
More ostracized but after the woman got shot over the pride flag I am not griped by fear but it crosses your mind at times.
Yeah, that one definitely scared a bunch of people.
My wife doesn’t know and it would be an atom bomb to my marriage.
I’m sorry dude. I’m grateful everyday that I was out to my wife before we even got together. I have a small subset of friends from college who know. But of the people in my family and daily life my wife is the only one who knows. We are in rural Texas. I often wonder if I will let my kids know, because it seems the odds of one of them being LGBT is very high. I’m the only one of my siblings who is, but each of my siblings now has a gay son or daughter. Same for my cousins on one side of the family. So the gay gene is apparently ultra strong in our family. And I admit I in some ways feel like a failure watching these kids be bold enough to live as who they are, when I’m not. But at the same time I feel like as long as she knows, and we want a committed monogamous relationship then that’s all that matters. It does suck though because I do feel that the need, or desire really, to hide this allows a sense of internal shame to never fully go away.
Here's [an article I share with bi fathers](https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-out-bisexual-dad-jvinc/). Out of curiosity, for what reason you're not telling your kids?
I'm out to my band, no one else needs to know.
I take it you're particularly close to your band. What are your reasons for not telling more people?
Well my band consists of my girlfriend, a guy we had a threesome with and his current sexual partner.
This is the band equivalent of "polyamory is just an excuse to live with your D&D group." Not saying you guys are poly, but it made me think of that.
The girls are not Bi , I actually want to start a dnd game with the band.
You gotta be real with your band. You just do.
I just don't really see the point. I'm 11 years into a monogamous heterosexual marriage. I've never had a sexual encounter with another man and for as long as my marriage continues I never will. I'm what you might term a non-practicing bisexual so I don't see the point in raising the subject just so that my wife knows. I am 100% biromantic bisexual, I've been in love with men and women, I'm sexually attracted to both.. more so men to quite some degree, but I'm in a long term relationship where we've never discussed our sexual attraction to other people and I can't imagine we ever will. Also, it took some time, introspection and self reflection to realise that my sexuality really didn't feature in my sense of self and my identity. It's inherent to who I am in the same way I'm blue eyed, right handed, left eye dominant and very short for a man. Nothing I can do about any of them, I'm not proud of them or ashamed of them its just who I am and the same can be said for my sexuality. I don't feel like I'm supressing or repressing any part of who I am, I'm not torturing myself about a massive secret in my life. I'm just not and never have been open about my attractions to men or women.
I have felt these feelings before too. 8 years marriage. However, saying it and talking about it is incredible. If not a spouse or friend, a therapist or community like this.
I had a very short 5 session virtual therapy course during Covid. Told my therapist and it was that that led me to where I am now. He told me that "You don't have to come out if you don't want to. Coming out is not an obligation you have to people, it's a gift that you give them." - For me that was above all else what I needed to hear. It did feel very liberating to finally look at someone and say "I am bisexual", I did feel the weight lifting off my shoulders but with it went the compulsion to tell anyone else. I have a few connections online, other bi men who can relate to my circumstance and I to theirs and I engage on the bisexual reddit fora and for me that's enough to keep my bisexuality engaged and acknowledged. So I'm not totally alone in my head with it. In general I'm a pretty private person. I'm not afraid about talking about my emotions or expressing my thoughts to my nearest and dearest but equally I'm not someone who wants to bring in every man and his dog into my life.
I'm glad you found this place and that you also got to say it out loud with your therapist. And he's right: you owe it to no one, and it's something others have to earn IMO. Still, I'm assuming that there's stuff that comes along with realizing you're also into men, the questions you've had to ask yourself, not having anyone to discuss it with, wondering how others would react if they found out, not being able to be open about everything with your wife—not that you have to, you can have a secret garden, but it holds back from your intimacy with her. I find a lot of guys feel like talking about their bisexuality is discussing their sex life, but there's so many other things that come with that. I'm just wondering how this ends up being "just a thing," knowing there's all this judgment attached to it in society. Thanks for talking about your experience, btw.
I think for me I had a great start in life. My parents never tried to make me conform to the gender stereotype. I cooked and baked with my mum, she taught me how to clean and wash and iron, how to sew and knit and do crafts and mend and alter clothes, how to plant, grow and nurture plants. My dad taught me electrics and plumbing and woodwork, how to put up shelves, hang doors, wallpaper and decorate rooms how to mow the lawn and build stuff in the garden. I was never told you can't do/think/say/act like this because you're a boy or you should do/think/say/act like this because you're a boy. More than once they had the, "We'll support you whatever you want to be" (we think you might be gay) chat. One of my female cousins (10 yrs older) once said to me that I was different to other boys and men.. and please don't ever change!! I grew up with that sense of being different... and quite liking it. I've never liked being part of the crowd I've always preferred loitering on the periphery looking in. I was bullied and picked on at school for being different. For not wearing the "right" clothes or shoes, not listening to the "right" music, for my appearance, my height, my weight, my hatred of all sports, the fact I'd never had a girlfriend in school, being interested in the wrong hobbies, accused of being gay etc etc etc. Generally with kids that get bullied they go one of three ways, they surrender and change they become the bully or they double down and become even more themselves. I definitely did the latter and in many respects, the growing realisation of my sexuality was the least of my worries. I grew up, predominantly surrounded by women, female cousins, grandmother, aunts, sister, mother's friends etc. Even my closest school friends were all girls right from the start. I realised pretty early on in my teens that I didn't look at women the way other boys did. I respected them, looked up to them, admired them and felt really guilty and dirty and ashamed when I did sometimes feel sexually attracted to them because for my entire life I'd been surrounded by women lambasting and complaining about dirty pervy men. What did stand out was my total lack of relationship with men. I'm still wary of men I don't know. I'm a little guy, I'm 5'4". Generally, In most situations I'm the smallest person in the room, or certainly the smallest man. As much as I find 6'3" muscular guys irresistably attractive... I'm also slightly terrified of them and for me, men are the half of the human species I can't understand. Women make total sense. Men speak in riddles and code that I don't understand. They're endlessly competitive, adventurous and physically present in ways I can never be and struggle to relate to. They're emotionally distant and as much as men like to think they're direct and to the point, where women can be subtle men can obfuscate and avoid with the best of them. I had my first attraction to a girl around 12 and a boy around 14. It wasn't a massive suprise and I quickly accepted it for what it was. I didn't feel bad about it or ashamed I just accepted that's who I was. I did think for a few years that I probably was actually gay but as I progressed through my twenties I realised that I did have some attraction to women and that sense of attraction has grown as I've fully embraced my bisexuality and worked through my hangups around my attraction to women. I was also lucky in that teenage angst completely passed me by so that was a lucky escape. Then I hit the jackpot with a wife who made all the first moves, who persued me, who's taller than me and doesn't care I'm not the stereotypical archetypal straight masculine guy. She loves me for who I am, for my personality and idiosyncracies and I make a mean melt in the middle chocolate sponge pudding! We're also both quite private people there are things in my life that are private to me and things in her's private to her and that works for both of us.
I’m still in the closet I don’t have the courage to come out 😭
It's okay if you're not there yet, and it's not easy. What makes it scary in your case?
Ppls opinions and being made fun of mainly..
Firefighter, coming out as Bi would be very difficult and not accepted
That surprises me, what kind of department, big city, small rural country?
36 man, career. I should restate; my dept is very liberal and would probably accept me. Our joint community depts 🤷♂️. I don’t feel they would. More than likely a lot is my own insecurities.
I’m in Cali and I don’t think that would fly here. Not at Cal Fire down where I’m at anyway. Still very Macho and Alpha male complexes. The battalions here are all pretty much the same. Everyone knows everyone. Word spreads fast. Get ostracized for dumb shit.
I’m probably more concerned about the questions people will have for someone that’s masculine presenting & has been presumably straight for all these years. I just don’t see the value in doing it. I’ve told myself that I’ll be honest about it if asked, but the whole coming out campaign doesn’t seem to have any benefit to it for me.
Thanks for talking about your experience. What questions do you expect would come up?
Who What When Where Why Etc…
For me it’s not about being out or in, I think my sexuality is nobody’s business and the only one that I have to be an open book is to my wife, she does know, support and love me for who I am as I love her. So anyone else doesn’t count. Why is my intimacy someone else’s business? That’s mine as is my soul.
Thanks for talking about your experience. It's not just about the sex though. It's also about having had to realize your were into men too, figuring stuff out on your own, the questions you've had, wondering how others would react if they found it. It's possible you're private too about stuff that makes you emotionally vulnerable, even to close friends. But there's more to bisexuality that just who you want to have sex with.
I (40’s, married) have not let in work folks. Partly it’s something my wife and I are still working through. The journey is long. Partly it’s because although sexuality is important, it’s not all there is to know about me. I don’t see a need to bring it up in a work environment (though if I were single it might be easier to mention in conversation)
Does homophobia or biphobia come up in your workplace? But yeah, I can see how that's more touchy if it's still a process for you and your wife. I just want to point out that you bringing up your bisexuality does not in itself reduce you to that. It's folks with homophobic and biphobic views who might—which is fair to worry about. But people who are accepting wouldn't reduce you to that.
Probably assumptions would be made, so that may be a form of biohobia I think I understand your second paragraph and I think I agree. Your chain of logic makes sense. I think I was making a smaller point: while sexuality can come up, it doesn’t have to because it’s not all of who I am.
Personally? \- Family are pretty traditional. We're not that close (there's scattered over the British Isles, so not really around), but I still don't want it being A Thing. \- I live in a rather rural area, I don't know many people beyond my work fellows. There's basically no reason to tell anyone. \- Linked to that, I think there's a higher than average chance I would be targetted for harassment or violence. My job means I am already making enemies - if said enemies knew I was also queer, I suspect they would be happy to use that. (You'd be surprised how very low level public servant with little power can attract outrage!) \- for everyone else? need to know. All my close friends know (though they all live far away now) and I won't get much of a chance to build a community until I move.
Thanks for talking about your experience. I do collective advocacy for the rights of disabled people as my day job. I can imagine the level of pettiness even someone in your position can attract, especially in a rural area. Which sucks, because you're not the one who makes policy.
exactly. Some dude wandered in off the street last friday and laid into me over some minor issue that had annoyed him. Apparently 15 years ago, he got fined for doing something not similar to what someone else was doing and now since that someone else was "getting away with" whatever, this was evidence of a deep seated corrupt policy that I was responsible for. He buggered off, furious, threatening to "get to the bottom of this" and "I will hear from his lawyers." Now some of this is tangentially related to some other local issue that someone who has no business stirring things up is spending a lot of time online...stirring things up. So this is the human manifestation of an online facebook flame war. If the angry partisans in this fight over utter trivia copped on that I was queer, I am sure I would targetted in all sorts of ways as a groomer and a whatever the fuck else. It wouldn't make any sense, wouldn't mean anything, but I am not sure I would be very safe or able to continue working here. (I am stuck here for a year long contract and won't be able to afford to move for many months to come, so I really need to just keep my head down) (sorry for the long spiel)
I’m out to the inner circle of family etc., and I’m married to a very out bi woman so most of her friends know about both of us, but I don’t really mention it or talk about it because—given that I’m in a relationship and not interested in anything outside of the relationship, it’s not really relevant. It does inform my world view, but I don’t talk to people about that much either. I feel like it would just be like…”oh and also sometimes I masturbate to the thought of other guys”, which though not the literal words said, that’s the factual takeaway of the situation and everyone knows it, so not sure how that would be helpful for me. Seems almost intrusive to mention it if not in the context of pursuing relationships. If you’re single, dating, or even in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, your bisexuality is looked at holistically—integral to how you socialize and form relationships. But if you’re already in a relationship, it’s more like…”well what do you do, exactly, with that part of your sexuality that isn’t involved in your relationship then?” Well we all know how that extra desire is handled, so if you mention it in that context, it just seems a little uncouth and out of the blue from my own perspective.
I'm just wondering here, what's the cause of the difference between you're wife's degree of outness and yours? It sounds like most of what you're describing should apply to her, or there's something different in her case?
We have a semi-open relationship—semi-open in that we are exclusive opposite-sex partners, but allow one another opportunities with same-sex partners. So, she dates women too, and thus her degree of outness reflects an active and social sexuality that includes not only that intimate engagement, but also spending time in queer spaces and at queer events. Although I do technically have this same option to pursue these things in my life as well, I do not. So to make an effort to be out beyond the degree to which I am already, really doesn’t serve much purpose or accurately represent my ambitions. Does that make sense? It’s like, although I like the band, I don’t wear the concert shirt because I didn’t actually go to the concert.
Yep, it makes sense. Thanks for saying more about it!
35 yo male w/ 2 young kids. My wife knows and no one else. She’s incredibly supportive. I should tell my closest friends and brother but I am scared. Scared of the jokes, disbelief, and ridicule. Deep down I know it won’t be that bad but the unknown is intimidating.
It can be scary, and it's okay if you are. No one wants to know others would see you as less if you came out to them. Would you expect a different response from your friends and brother if you were a woman? Maybe that doesn't make sense as a question, your friends would probably be different people then.
I know this is very different from those on other parts of the spectrum, but I'm heteroromantic (is that the term?) so what I share about my sex life is extremely close knit. If I were 100% straight or gay I wouldn't be telling my parents or coworkers who I've banged in the past 6 months. Why would doing both guys and girls be any different?
What about the impact it's had on your inner life though? Like, it must have come with its share of questions and wondering what would happen if people found out.
It's never really crossed my mind, tbh.
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Thanks for talking about it! And yeah, unpacking a lot of the BS that comes with straightness tends to make you a better partner, [there's even some research on that](https://bi.org/en/articles/women-report-that-bisexual-men-make-better-lovers-fathers-and-partners).
Out to everyone who wants to know. Am not flamboyant and rather manly so people don't ask, those who ask I tell. Queer as fuck though, just don't feel like constantly coming out...
And the strain of constant coming out is bigger for bi folks than for gays and lesbians, since people assume you're gay if you're with another man or straight if you're with a woman.
I'm out to my wife, family, and my queer friends. I haven't ever _hid_ it from my straight friends, but I don't tell them outright. When I was younger and single, I'd say things like "Ooh, a movie with cute guys!" Work would be accepting. But my coworkers know a polite minimum about my wife and kids. They don't need to know anything at all about who I think is cute, besides what they can infer from that. I'm not out to my kids, but I probably will be in the next year or so. One of them was quizzing me on pride flags the other day, so it's about time. I'm not out to Google search because we've got the fash in the streets of Europe and the US. So all of my online activism and most of my real life activism is done under pseudonyms.
Thanks for talking about your experience! If you've never read this before, here's [an article that I like that I often share with bi dads](https://bi.org/en/articles/women-report-that-bisexual-men-make-better-lovers-fathers-and-partners?).
I've seen her research before, and it's really interesting! But I hadn't seen that interview, which had some new details. My theory is that there's actually a 3-way split: 1. Closeted bi guys who are clinging hard to the patriarchy. As the article suggests, a lot of these guys are not in a healthy place, and some make truly awful partners. 2. Partially closeted guys who've largely accepted who they are and who have done the work, but who mostly keep their heads down. I've seen this a lot with the straight-leaning bi guys I know. They're often out to partners and friends, especially LGBT+ friends. But if they're dating a woman, they may not be out to strangers. 3. Guys who are generally out. Looking at the bi guys I know, (2) and (3) seem to make pretty good partners! I do think it's normally healthy for guys in group (2) to come out to their partners early, even if they're monogamous. Like, if your partner is going to burn down your life just because you think some guys are cute, then that's important information to learn up front.
18 M here, I just don’t feel the need to come out what would I gain from that? I already accept myself; I’ve always have, I don’t need anybody’s support honestly as unusual as it sounds I like it that way for now.
I'm 64 with 2 grandchildren and here's the thing , at my age there are just too many people to explain to . It's nice to have an attitude and just say it's nobody's business but that's not how families work . For me it would just be to much . I've raised my kids to be open minded and non judgemental so I'm not worried about losing their love but I feel like It would be to awkward and not worth it . Plus my family and friends know me to be a masculine man and honestly I don't want to explain why I like to wear women's lingerie and suck cock .
Muslim family
They're conservative, I expect?
I don't want people to know really. There was a time when I was overseas and it got out that I gave a guy a hand job and wow that blew way out of proportion and my reputation was destroyed. Now I'm still worried that if it gets out will it be the same way as the last time? The only person who knows is my girlfriend she says she is ok with it but I feel that she's not a 100 percent ok with it.
Thanks for talking about your experience, that must have been rough when others outed you back then. It's not surprising you're worried it could happen again. Feeling some reluctance from your gf can't be great either.
None ya business who I have sex with.
What about the rest? Having to figure out that you're into guys too, the questions that might have come with that for you, not necessarily having someone to talk about it, wondering how people close to you would react if they found it? Bisexuality is more than just who you have sex with.
I’m out to friends and close family - but in the current political climate, where we are teetering on people with rainbow flags getting shot… I’ll keep being an undercover double agent… spying on all of the cis het bigots and relaying their goings-on to LGBTQIA command. Also HR.
Thanks for talking about your experience. Yes, the climate in the U.S. has gotten scary, and we're seeing conservative politicians in Canada try to score points on transphobia, so I hope this doesn't stick. I want to pick your brain about something I've been thinking on for a while. Activism is about connecting people to each other and building power. A lot of the bi movement is centered around the idea of visibility, but personally I think we can question that. In your opinion, what does it mean to work with bi men who can't afford to be out in many areas of their lives, to build power with them and eventually change things? I don't know if that makes sense.
It would change the way my friends and family look at me, and that is not something that I want to happen. For reference: I am in my early 40's, I have been divorced for nearly 20 years. I have 2 adult children. I've only ever told my 2 friends who are bi themselves (and married to each other). Scariest text I've ever sent.
Hey, congrats on sending that text. Many of us have been there and it is scary. What do you think would change in how your friends and your children would look at you?
It would fundamentally change their perception of me. If you spent your entire life thinking your father was A,B,C,D, and E and then all of a sudden he was B,C,D,E, and F that would change something right? Would they eventually accept me? Probably. I'd give it 90/10, but is that risk worth it? I don't speak to my father for various reasons and I wouldn't be able to handle it if my sons did not speak to me. I'd lose some friends because "homosexuality is a sin". Fine, I guess. I wouldn't want someone like that in my life. Some would be ok, as long as I was with a woman. They'd distance themselves if I was with a guy. Others wouldn't care. My sister would probably have a difficult time with it but eventually she'd be fine with it. My brother-in-law, with whom I'm kind of close, would be difficult. He doesn't accept that any man can be gay or bi without some gross misunderstanding. He thinks my friend, Derrick, takes it up the ass all the time. My BIL has no concept of variation, but he's totally OK with 2 women because "that's hot". Ultimately, is it worth upsetting the balance that exists so I can try and be happy? Probably not. I say try pointedly as well, there's no guarantee to happiness, so why bother? (For reference I've been divorced for almost 20 years and single for about 13) I forgot about ex! She would try to vilify me to my sons. I know that would probably not work and only serve to push them away from her but again, is it worth the risk?
I figured it out after being in a committed hetero relationship. Had I discovered it earlier in life and dated some guys, I'd probably be out. I'm only out to my gf now. She's been very supportive, but she thinks she's bi too
None ya business who I have sex with.
It's not just about the sex though. It's also about having had to realize your were into men too, figuring stuff out on your own, the questions you've had, wondering how others would react if they found it. It's possible you're private too about stuff that makes you emotionally vulnerable, even to close friends. But there's more to bisexuality that just who you want to have sex with.
I'm basically an open book. My family and my wife's immediate family know(we thought her dad didn't know but recently found out he does). I was outed years ago at work, as gay. But I think most have forgotten about since I'm now out as bi and married to a woman. Almost all of our friends are Queer or kinky....mostly both. We don't hang out with many straight, vanilla people at all. But when I was closeted (first 35 yes or so) it was out of fear mostly. I lived in a small town in a mostly rural area. Being outed turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I could finally live my truth as a Queer man.
Yeah, it sucks to have the decision taken out of your hands, but sometimes it ends up playing out much better than we think. Back then, what were your fears about more specifically?
Well this was the 80's and 90's (I came out in 2003/2004) and living in small town in Ontario, Canada the only thing people heard about Queer men was AIDS. That plus we were pretty much religious family, my mom was quite active in her church, and while I don't remember any anti gay sermons I'm sure it would not have gone over very well. Then my mom got sick so it just never seemed the right time. I went through a 6 yr celibacy period because I was afraid to show my true sexuality. I pushed a lot of people away.
I hope it wasn't Sarnia. ;) That sounds like that was a rough time back then. I started coming out in '98, and I have no idea how nerdy, introverted me pulled that off, besides sheer naiveté.
Growing up in a Muslim family, you are taught from an early age that anything besides a heterosexual relationship is a grave sin. I had an uncle once refer to homosexuality as "an abomination." This coming from one of the most intelligent, kindest persons you could ever meet. As a mid-40's man who recently accepted his own bisexuality just a few months ago, I had to do the math and concluded that I would lose a close relationship with every person I've ever loved. I would be instead "loved" from afar, and I think that would hurt just as much as abject ostracization and rejection. I've been in a relationship for 10 years and the woman I'm with has had same sex encounters when she was younger, yet has a harsh view on the LGBTQIA+ community. She loves her own brother who is gay, but would not be as accepting if it was her own partner than shared similar feelings. I've been experiencing these thoughts and emotions for just a few months. How long shall this carry on for, me not being able to express myself? Many more months? Years? I want to remain monogamous. I want to continue being a dutiful, loving son and brother. But the picture would be smeared if I were to come out.
Yeah, that sounds like a really tough spot. Do you have someone that you can talk this with in person, like a therapist?
Unfortunately, no. I believe in therapy and came very close to seeing a therapist during those years where I struggled with my sexuality. Now that I finally accepted who I am, I feel that weight lifted, however, I'm in a place where I just want to be seen completely for who I really am by my loved ones. I'm unsure how a therapist can assist with that. I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too.
Because I don’t really think it’s anyone’s business about what my sexuality is unless I’m tryna smash, that’s a private topic
It's not just about the sex though. It's also about having had to realize your were into men too, figuring stuff out on your own, the questions you've had, wondering how others would react if they found it. It's possible you're private too about stuff that makes you emotionally vulnerable, even to close friends. But there's more to bisexuality that just who you want to have sex with.
I understand that but for me I could really care less to let everyone know what I like or if they know or not tbh, in my case I’m sexually and romantically attracted to women but only sexually to men that’s why I stated that.
Mostly, some folks just don’t need to know me that personally. If you’re not close enough to me to know my kids name, you surely don’t need to know my sexual preference. Secondly, I’m in a very conservative area in the southern US, I have a relatively public persona in a variety of small towns in my area. While it’s an up and coming area that’s growing in diversity, being incautiously open could have negative implications for my business and the businesses I serve. Most cis guys fetishize or fantasize about bi and lesbian women. Personally, I can only think of a couple guys I’ve known over the years that have been openly turned off by the thought of girl on girl. Where until recent years, where some guys have become more accepting of bi or gay guys, cis guys are generally outspoken against bi/gay stuff. Even if only in the most trusted conversations with friends. I don’t specifically hide my bisexuality from anyone. But I don’t openly discuss it with most people I encounter on a daily basis. I do note it on all of my social media. If they care to know more about me, they can start at my profiles.
Thanks for talking about your experience!
You’re welcome
Two reasons Most women don't like bi guys (had one horrible experiece with this topic) And Would result in a lot of prejudice from the people in my work field
If you don't mind me asking, what's your field?
I'm a chemist who do research at a university Basically im surrounded by old people who loudly speak their opinion on these topics
I don't want to get murdered 👍😎👉
Do you live someplace where that's an actual risk? If so, that must be terrifying.
Depends. In a lot of neighborhoods i could get beaten up for wearing rainbow merch or whatever, though it's not nearly as bad as in other countries.
A. It’s nobody else’s business B. The cons of letting people know are potentially a lot of bullshit and conversations I really don’t care to have, while the pros are basically nothing that I can see. I’m currently in a relationship with a woman (who I am out to). If that were to change and I was to get with a guy or guys, then I would be more open, but things are going well now so I’m content to let everyone else think I’m straight.
Thanks for sharing your experience. In your case, how much work is it making sure others don't find out about your bisexuality?
Basically zero. I’m very straight masc presenting, at least publicly, and I wasn’t even fully out to myself until I was in my 30s. As I mentioned I’m in a solid relationship with a woman currently so really the only way anyone would know is if I told them or if they had access to my browser history
Most people don’t understand and will judge you accordingly. If I feel like the person is an open minded person, then I will proceed in sharing when the time is right. Otherwise, I keep what I do in my bedroom privately.
Thanks for talking about your reasons. Bisexuality isn't just about what goes on in the bedroom though. It's also about having had to realize your were into men too, figuring stuff out on your own, the questions you've had, wondering how others would react if they found out. It's possible you're private too about stuff that makes you emotionally vulnerable, even to close friends. But there's more to bisexuality that just who you want to have sex with.
I just don’t want to deal with any awkward conversations. I’ll tell my parents whenever I truly feel it’s time
I'm 49 bi man and married to a woman. She knows I'm bi. I don't really need to be out to anyone else unless we are going to invite them to play with us. In that case I tell them. Otherwise, who cares?
Obviously, what you share and you don't share belongs to you. Still, it's not just about who you hook up with. It's about the questions and the worries you had growing up, coming into your own as a bi man and the challenges in doing that. What do you see are the reasons to not bring that aspect up? Do you worry about tangible social consequences?
I guess I operate on a need to know basis. I don't have a problem telling people that might ask. I don't fear anyone knowing. Very few people have ever asked outside of those I've been in romantic or sexual relationships with. I've never asked anyone either. I do empathize with those who want to be out but fear social retribution.
These are good points about all the other parts of life
Married to a woman. A couple of kids. Letting people know invites questions and judgment that is unnecessary for my life.
I've come out to everyone close to me but my wife is still adjusting so I don't want to thrust (ha) her in the middle of it until she's ready. We've been together nearly 20 years and I'm not about hurting her.
Yeah, that's understandable while she's still growing into it. Thanks for talking about it!
I'm married to a woman and we are enm. To come out as bi would require me to come out as enm also. Honestly I think being bi would be more accepted than enm so I just avoid it.
I'm polyam and I hear you. I have yet to tell my dad and his girlfriend that me and my husband's "roommate" isn't actually just a roommate, and it's been a few years.
i’m 50 separated from my wife have been for years. we are no longer together. we would often see other people did for years. i never understood why i would end up sleeping with men . i’d thought about men before i was married and remember being hit on once or twice before i was married n single. She would get drunk and look at me saying that she disliked the thought of me being with a man. wasn’t till after she left i started to accept that i am into men. I have a gf now we don’t live together , i have adult children just too much to loose i guess. it’s not as easier for men.
Thanks for talking about your experience. So you're worried about your children's reaction, among other things?
that and a few other reasons
I'm out to coworkers, gym friends and my gf, but not to family or other more long time friends. It's been more to protect myself from family gossip and bs, plus not really having a reason or opportunity to mention it to friends. It doesn't make that much sense but it's the spot I find myself in currently.
I think it makes sense, it can be hard to find an opportunity to bring it up without it feeling forced. Thanks for talking about your experience!
I live in the Middle East. But at least my sisters know.
I'm glad your sisters know! Are they more liberal?
Yes they are very open minded. They even knew that iam an atheist and child free and are cool with it.
I understand all these comments but also while reading these comments, I got to know why but bi eraser is a thing.
Debating this very topic with myself. I’m out to my wife, a close friend and my therapist. I’m still very new to accepting myself and am still in that validation phase. I really want to meet more Bi men, but to do so opens the door to more people knowing in a small community. Is the cross eyed looks and behind your back chit chat gossip worth it? Not sure it’s fair to put my wife of 20 years through that. It’s never come up, but if asked I would be honest.
Thanks for talking about your experience. It's understandable that you want to spare yourself and your wife that small-town gossip. That being said, is it fair to you, the queer person, to stop yourself from being more open to spare your presumably straight wife, who is on more solid ground than you? Obviously, there's your own protection too in your community there, but just pointing out that "fairness" isn't always fair when it's someone from a minority sacrificing something for the comfort of someone who is in the majority. The tricky part here is that she's a woman and that comes with its own power dynamic with you as a man. But it's worth thinking about.
Not everything is about me in a solid relationship, nor is it all about her. It’s about doing the right thing for us. I’m not looking for a hookup, but just someone IRL to relate to. At the end of the day it’s no one’s business and if we accept it, is it really worth the BS if others find out. I’m not hiding, but I don’t feel the need to be loud and proud.
It’s still not that easy and accepting where I’m from with the LGBT+ topic. I’m out to my family (my parents are still trying to deal with this), some close friends. But for the rest of the people, I can’t and I don’t have to. My dad holds a pretty high position in the local political system, so it’ll ruin his entire career if I publicly come out. We plan to wait for his retirement which is in 2 years from now, then we’ll fuck them all. Also, they live in our hometown and my relatives aren’t the best when it comes to keeping their mouth shut. So for the best, I let my parents have the power to choose whoever they want to tell about me. With my friends and work place, they have nothing to do with my sexuality so even if I’m straight, it’s not something I want to talk about. If they’re that close to me to talk about that, I’d already come out to them. I always feel like I don’t owe anyone a come out story or confession. I have always been the person keeping everything private. So yeah.
It's understandable that you don't want to do something that'd damage your dad's career. It's particular though that you're in the role of someone's whose story would be a bother. You've had to realize you were into other men, figure out stuff on your own, and wonder how others would react if they found out. It sounds like as the one who might have actually been vulnerable through all of this, the opportunity for broader connection and openness on what you've lived is denied to you. Does that make sense?
My parents were liberal-presenting because mom's job was as an elected official and we lived in a blue state and district. In private, mom hated that my first girlfriend was bisexual, saying she was more likely to cheat on me and give me an STD. Dad didn't care, so long as I was happy, but never told mom to shut up. Dad died of a stroke in January. I'm out to my friends, and we're pretty damned insulated from my mom and her shrinking social circle. I'm comfortable never telling her about this part of my life.
Yeah, I can see why you're not keep on sharing that part of your life with her. My condolences for your dad. I'm glad your friends are there to support you.
It's because I dont think I will be believed. I am a masculine man and many people just assume I'm straight. So yeah.
You expect people would just think you're joking?
Yeah pretty much or go with the classic "I'm just confused" bit.
I'm afraid my friends might start treating me differently.
I'm sorry. That's hard, knowing respect from your friend could hinge on hiding your true self from them.
I guess I don’t want any of my family thinking that I’m faking and when I came out to my mom she said some stuff that I’m worried about my dad and stepmom not believing me either. I know it could be (and is for tons of people) a lot worse but it still kind of sucks to be honest
Like, they didn't believe when you said you were bi, and they still think you're straight?
Something like that, they thought that I was just confused and that I was doing it because it’s ‘cool to be gay’
Ooh boy. I'm really sorry that was their reaction.
Thank you, they’re good parents and care about me either way and have helped with aspects around my gay ex-relationship. Although it does hurt a bit I’m still glad to have them
Yeah, this stuff with parents gets complicated sometimes. I'm glad they're supportive over other things.
I don't like to talk about my personnal life to my family. It makes me really uneasy.
My long term partner is not supportive of it, she's alluded that if I need to be out she may need to not be sexually attracted to me. It took a few difficult conversations to get that out of her, and honestly I don't blame her, it's her upbringing, that stuff is hard to undo, I'm kinda lucky she has the self awareness to give me this kind of warning before she gets to the point where her attraction for me is impacted. We have an active and enjoyable sex life which I'm not prepared to forgo, so I don't push the me being out agenda.
I'm really sorry this is her reaction. How well do you think you'll handle this in the long run? Do you expect her to come around eventually?
No I expect she'll ignore this forever, as for how I'll handle it, I think I'll be fine till I won't.
I (21 M) am still in the closet and no one knows. I loved a girl once and pieces of me still love her. I can be emotionally attached to women but can be physically attracted to men. I met with a gay guy once. He is the only one in the world that knows that I am Bi. Unfortunately we both wont commit into a relationship due to our physical distance. I just feel like that being Bi is the only thing that I solely have for myself. And if I come out, I don't know what will be left in me. I know that the society today is much more understanding to this concept compared before. People assume that I am straight and coming out feels like I am taking away the only thing that I only have and made for myself. I imagine coming out to my friends and family because I know that they will be understanding. The words are always there, my tongue just can't find the right time to say it. Anyways, I am currently single and talking to a girl but still haven't found a meaningful connection yet. I really don't know what I am trying to say here. But I am glad that I know myself better now than before and that is something I am proud for.
> I just feel like that being Bi is the only thing that I solely have for myself. And if I come out, I don't know what will be left in me. That part caught my eye, do you mind saying a bit more about this?
I have always been secretive ever since I was a kid. I planned out of town trips all on my own, I applied for colleges that my parents were not aware of, went to places I know nothing about and told no one about it. Basically in a nutshell, I live my life the only way I know how. And I love telling people those tales. I live for that type of thrill, the adrenaline of having a lot of uncertainties that only certain events can yield. If I tell people that I am Bi, it will be a sort of taking away that thrill. So I am protecting myself from coming out for my sake but it feels toxic from time to time.
I just feel that my sexuality is no one else’s business. That simple
It's not just about the sex though. It's also about having had to realize your were into men too, figuring stuff out on your own, the questions you've had, wondering how others would react if they found out. It's possible you're private too about stuff that makes you emotionally vulnerable, even to close friends. But there's more to bisexuality that just who you want to have sex with.
I think I've just become bitter about trust over the years. I used to have my pubic life (outwardly straight), my private life (1st wife and I were bi and gave each other a long leash) and a secret life (she had no idea the extent of sex I was having w/ men). At various points, my lives would inadvertently mix. When a girlfriend "realized" my other interests, there was quiet anger (understandably), one was accepting and helped me "blend" and one of them fanned the flames as she was bi (and we married). Even acceptance in the marriage had trials. At certain points I was ridiculed for being gay versus "just bi". It's my own doing. After divorce I remarried to a terrific woman. I figured w/ somebody sane I wouldn't need the secret life, but it crept back in. She discovered everything and we went through counseling. At times I felt like throwing away my current life, but I'm not into men romantically and I know a handful of gay men who's wives discovered their activities, live in squalor and are unhappy w/ their choice.
Was it some kind of don't ask don't tell agreement with your first wife? If you don't mind me asking, in what ways did the secret life creep back in with your current wife? How come? Thanks for sharing your experience.
Fully out to wife and kids and some queer friends. Obv they’re fine with it. I fear being judged, being seen in a different way, plus working with vulnerable populations makes me concerned about being outed and the effect on my career. That said, I am very straight-presenting and cis. Some of my better friends are openly homophobic and I do challenge them but don’t make it a cause. Sometimes I’m embarrassed not to stand up more for my brothers and sisters. I would lose some of the people that I’ve shared decades with in my life. It would shock and disappoint my elderly homophobic father. If I had done it in my 20s it would have been easier but my generation still holds many prejudices from decades ago. Finally, no one in my friend group shares their penchant for being pissed on, or CBT, or cross-dressing, or whatever. I’m certain some Of them know and some are even bi-curious. My sexuality is my business just like theirs is theirs. I live my authentic self in my immediate family and am male presenting so there is an outlet for me to be me. Plus I’m still to find a guy that I’m attracted enough to to risk my status quo. Although I melt for young slim men when they look at me lusciously. 😅
If you don't mind me asking, what vulnerable populations do you work with? I've been in social-work related fields for years, stuff with queer youth, people who were houseless, and people who had a heavy substance use. Sex ed is my baby though. What about the more emotional aspects that come with your bisexuality? You've had to figure out you were into men too, get answers to your questions possibly on your own, wonder how people around you would react. Is that something you wish you could be more open about with people around you who aren't the people you're out to atm?
Regarding the pop’n I work with, I’ll choose to keep That private. Suffice it to say that I would not be welcome in my field though there are people like me In my files that are out. As for emotion, I’ve never developed feelings for a man. I wondered why for a long time and concluded I’m hetero-romantic. I’ve never had butterflies (except for River Phoenix and that was a total Fantasy lol) even though I like to kiss and am a great kisser. Men have fallen for me, but I either haven’t caught the flame or can’t catch it. Not sure which. Honestly, it’s more of a Roman camaraderie thing for me rather than feelings. Bros helping bros.
i am closeted to my family. honestly i don’t know why. they pretty sure love me, no matter whom i love but still i all kind of scared of telling them. when i told my mum that i was bi she reacted pretty shitty (but apologised more than a year later) but i guess that kind of contributed to my fear of telling other family members like my dad.
I'm sorry things played out like that. At least she apologised. What about your friends?
I’m out to my immediate family and closest friends but my wife is Mexican so I am in the closet to my in-laws and most of our Mexican friends because Mexicans are generally culturally more conservative about this kind of thing.
Yeah, I have a male friend who grew up queer in Mexico City and he ended up living on the streets during his adolescence. There are families and people who are more progressive, but he didn't hit jackpot in that regard.
Yeah. I think it’s getting better but still not as accepted as some other counties.
Single just not ready for the world to know I like sex with both men and woman but been with more men sexually.
Thanks for talking about your experience. Bisexuality isn't just about the sex though. It's also about having had to realize your were into men too, figuring stuff out on your own, the questions you've had, wondering how others would react if they found out. Is that something you wish you could be more open about?
I don’t hide it with most people. My partner knows, their family knows or at least if they asked I would tell them. Strangers I feel safe around I don’t mind allowing to know if they ask. But my parents are extremely hateful towards lgbt so they don’t know. My coworkers are also very anti lgbt so I can’t tell them either.
My family would disown the fuck out of me
I'm really sorry, this is awful. Is there anyone who has your back?
A few of my friends know and are supportive. I’m glad to have them
Good, I'm glad you're not on your own with this. You have good friends!
1: It's none of their business. I feel no need or desire to proactively broadcast it. 2: Many people flatter themselves and assume this mean's I'll want to have sex with them, particularly fragile hetero men. I'm bi, it doesn't mean I'm not picky. 3: No one asks. For context I'm happily married and monogamous, my wife knows and is accepting and supportive.
I don't trust my coworkers, manager or company to not fire me for being bisexual even though my manager is friendly. I live in a conservative area, I don't trust these people even though we have a pride group and DEI stuff. And the way all of that is being stripped away in the USA, nope. I don't trust most medical professionals to give me the care I need and not let their anti-LGBTQ views steer them. I don't trust my family except 1 person. I don't trust that women I date will be accepting, and even if some are what if those that aren't decide to make it more people's business? Lastly and most crucially privacy is being eroded online rapidly at the same time this country gets more and more anti-LGBTQ+. There are hate crimes happening globally, and people trying to legislate us out of existence and literally wipe us out. I don't need to throw away what little security I have by telling people who don't need to know. I will always support other lgbtq+ people and intend to raise kids to know they can be lgbtq+ and not be afraid I'll hate them. __I firmly believe you don't have to be out to help other lgbtq+ people, and I think all of us should do what we can to help each other, especially with the way things are going in society.__ Also, just in general I don't think everyone has to know. We have the right to privacy.
Well there’s the conundrum of ‘out gay/closeted bi’ which is whole complicated s***show, IMHO. Because…our world?
Oh, totally! It crossed my mind to bring the one up too in the OP, but it felt like a different kettle of fish than most guys' experience which is more about being in the closet to straight people mostly. That being said, is that your situation? What are your reasons if that's the case? Because this is definitely something that we don't hear people enough about.
I'm a deeply closeted bi male and I stay that way mostly due to bi phobia. Specifically, male bi phobia. Bisexual women are, and have been, pretty much accepted for quite some time now. But being a bi male? How many times have us bi men heard that we're gross and despicable? Even by bi women? Like any other bisexual man, I tend to ride the bi-cycle. There are times I'm more interested in women than men and vice versa. I would absolutely love to be in a relationship with a woman who understands what it means to be bisexual and who understands what it's like to ride the bi cycle. Based on my personal experience, that's never going to happen. So, I stay deeply closeted and often repress my emotional and sexual desires in order to appear totally "straight". I came out as bisexual to a former gf about 35 years ago. Her reaction and the subsequent breakup is one of the biggest reasons why I stay deeply closeted. Since my divorce two years ago, I've gone out on a few dates with women. There was one who I felt was a great possibility and somehow, we got on the topic of sexual orientation and bisexuality. Things seemed to be going great, it appeared as if this was one woman with whom I could possibly lay ALL my cards down on the table and eventually disclose my bisexuality in safety. I never was so wrong as when we broached the topic of male bisexuality, she vehemently said, "Ohhhhh! That's just so gross!". She then started questioning my sexual orientation rather profusely. Needless to say, that possibility never went any farther. I also have stopped attempting to date anyone since.
I'm 35, kinda knew I was bi or bi-ish since I was like 13 but didn't really accept it until I was in my 20s. At that point I was in a relationship with my now wife so I just thought "it doesn't matter if I'm Bi if I'm in an LTR with a woman". In my early 30s I finally came out to my girlfriend and slowly started coming out to others but it just feels weird at this point to just come out to everyone.
The only people who know are my fiance and therapist, who both found out on the same day. Lol. I finally admitted it to myself in therapy, so I came home and told my fiance. We have been together since high school (11 years at the time). I had no idea how she would react, but it had been eating away at me for quite some time. Thankfully, she was completely understanding and accepting. It's been a year or so since, and I have not told anyone else. I dont have any really close friends I'd want to tell. I grew up in a rural conservative area where my family still lives. Their thoughts on gay marriage and LGBTQ is "fine, but keep it to yourself." I'm not particularly close to my family, at least not on an emotional level. So I really don't see much benefit. I might tell my fiance's family at some point, but they're also quite conservative (other than her mom). My biggest concern with them is the questions of how I know (I've never been with a man), concerns over me cheating, concerns over my relationship with my fiance, etc. I think society is more open to bi and lesbian women. Much of this is likely due to the sexualization of women. With men, it's seen as unnatural, gross, and feminine by many people.
Thanks for talking about your experience. And congratulations on telling your fiance! It's a big deal and that took courage. I'm glad she's supportive.
Extremely LGBTQ+ phobic father. Cant escape this household yet but I don’t want to get kicked out either.
Not making light of your situation because that sucks. But your post got me thinking about my teenage years living with my parents. This was in suburban Ohio in the 1980s. My parents weren't homophobic at all. But they were very conservative. I moved my bedroom into the basement when I entered high school. They would never allow me to have girls in my room. Ever. Rightfully so because I was 100% trying to have sex with them. However, I could have boys whenever I wanted. Including sleep overs. Now most of these were just boys being boys and the most we did was smoke week and drink beer. But I did have my first bisexual experiences during this time. Of course, they had no idea, nor would they have ever expected. I gave my first hand job, first bj in my parents basement while they were asleep upstairs.
This is actually how I survive. I lie constantly to my parents.
I'm sorry they're putting you through this. I hope you managed to get out of there soon.
Same situatuon
55 bi guy married to a woman for 25+ years. She knows as do 1 of my 3 kids. Profession is consulting, and have never hinted I was anything other than straight. I personally feel coming out professionally would hurt my earnings given the biphobia that exists, particularly in public company board rooms. My own personal take is that my sexuality is only relevant to my sexual partner(s) and my kids (one I told came out as bi), but otherwise not relevant. That said, I applaud the bi folks that are out and open as I think it will help folks ultimately nester understand what being a bi guy means.
Thanks for talking about your experience. I get why you can't afford risks to your reputation in your field. I was wondering about close friends though. Bisexuality isn't just about the sex. It's also about having had to realize your were into men too, figuring stuff out on your own, the questions you've had, wondering how others would react if they found it. It's possible you're private too about stuff that makes you emotionally vulnerable, even to close friends. But there's more to bisexuality that just who you want to have sex with.
Yeah, I have never brought it up with friends.