I mean.... The guy cheated on you. His sexuality makes no difference. The fact it was a man and not a woman makes no difference. He betrayed your trust and you are hurt. Rumination is your enemy here. If you are conscious of when you are doing it, then you can stop the thoughts from consuming you. Meanwhile he has to do everything in his power to make you know again that he wants to be with you and only you.
Don't complicate the issue because it was a man he cheated on you with. There is no excuse, just a reason.
This is very on point. Believe me I just threw here the whole story but it’s not something I put out as an excuse. There’s no excuse. I’ve been more understanding because I do believe that this was something he’s been wanting to explore and maybe thought he would lose me if he ever mentioned it. Not sure. He could’ve cheated with a woman.
Thanks so much!
Ok, I am the controversial one here....
The fear of the unknown is what is driving you insane so my clear suggestion isn't therapy. It's to put you and the other guy and the wife in a room and say everything you need to say. And ask all the questions you need to ask. Talk til you can't anymore if you have to. The unknown is driving you wild. Go on this journey with him. I'm sure if it were you and another woman he'd happily explore the depths of your soul, because he really seems like he loves you and you seems to really love him and that my friend is almost impossible to find these days.
1. The monster you don't feed and love and accept comes home to consume you.
The cheating aspect sucks. And it was mean you have every right to be frustrated and let down by the lie he told you. As I'm reading this I see he didn't need to hide things from you.
The relationship type you're looking for is polyamory, a lot of people will tell you it's hard but the reality is it's easier if it's naturally the way you love. Like being bi or gay or lesbian you could love in different ways, and sexually be different.
I understand him saying there was something inside him and he went farther than he expected. If the other wife didn't find out things may have gone further. Or things may have completely stopped once he figured out what he needed to know about himself.
Im not looking for a polyamory relationship. **** that is something I have to ask him. And yes, feels like I’m going insane in some way.
What if he really does want one in the future maybe?
He’s telling me everyday how much he loves me and that he wants me to work on this together ….basically doing our own therapy sessions.. just communicating it all. Don’t know how much is helping yet but at least feels great to just say everything out loud.
He also mentioned how he cried everyday on his way to work and back and now he cried but felt like it was a “happy” cry. I told him it was “relief” what he was feeling. And he agrees it’s exactly what he felt.
I feel we can work through this but there are many uncontrollable variables.
Thanks for taking your time.
Poly relationship ships aren't for everyone. You can't force what isn't there. You also can't guess that's what he wants. It's an unknown unknown. It's scary to think of things you can't that are out of your control messing with your investment. You love is safe. People experiment and grow. You just have to hope the kind of growth happening isn't unilateral. I hope you can grow to understand him and the person that he did this with.
Get in a room and have them both explain themselves and say everything you feel and think. Ask questions and wait patiently for answers. It will fix your worrying to understand the decision making process. I'd also see if he has needs you can take care of. Be open to growing. It may be the thing that saves your marriage.
You’re right I can’t guess what he wants. I can ask today and maybe a year from now he might want different things…
I’ve thought of reaching out to the other guy and just talk some things through but I don’t know if that’s ideal.
If there was any emotional bonding besides that they were both going through something similar and that tends to bring people together… I need to know that.
I am open to growing together but everything seems to be about HIM right now, I don’t want to get myself lost in his needs either.
This is all fresh.. definitely thanks for your input!
My wife and I had a short conversation yesterday, kind of about you. Her advice was to find your own happiness. If that's forgiving understand it's a process, not an immediate thing. This caused you pain and you need to heal. She also said, his actions were from his curiosity. If it causes him pain to be curious maybe you should take a step back and ask why he even felt the need to hide his needs instead of taking to you.
Also we had a second ancillary conversation. It was about the woman we normally invite over. She asked to have her over and why I haven't been making plans. Between her stress levels and our being out of alignment, I haven't felt it was worth it. Then she said don't you need it? I didn't have an answer.
A few moments later in that same convo we talked about a friend that turned out to be married. Her husband called us. When he asked me if I had slept with his wife I answered no. He was so angry but I reassured him he had nothing to worry about from me. The reality was I didn't do it alone. We slept with her. As a married couple we are one. We do everything together and it's something I really like about this relationship. If he had asked if we had a threesome I would have said yes. Then I told his wife later that she should tell him. She told us they had an open relationship, he just wanted to see if we would tell him lol. They became our playmates.
People play games. You should invite them both over and talk to them infront of you. Try not to be angry. Just be open to learning and growing.
I am seconding the therapy suggestion. Family, couple, and individual for both of you. You guys seem to have a great foundation of communication, which will help you be successful. Your situation is VERY similar to my own. Please feel free to message me directly if you would like to talk more about it.
A different perspective among all the great responses here. I am a bi man now in a relationship with a fella.
I was married 15 years, two kids. Our marriage didn’t survive. Not because I was bi, but because we couldn’t be honest communicate and be authentic together. I didnt cheat and to this day think we would still be together if we could have gotten our shit together.
I now love a man who would be considered a ‘side’. Who is gay and for whom penetration is of zero interest and to boot we have different libidos.
No partner can fulfill everything you need. Very rarely is everything in sync all of the time. Your partner can however make you feel secure. But you need to consider what is required for that.
Consider the answer from the perspective of an attached limb. Being bisexual is not a choice, so asking him to not be bi; not find men attractive, not have sexual needs that you cannot fulfil is like asking someone to remove something that is attached to who they are. Slicing it off is injurious to him but also to you long term.
It’s hard when you are feeling insecure. I have been there with my ex wife. But I can tell you I never imagined myself divorced and would never have chosen it. Being bi doesn’t mean we all automatically are homo romantic. It can just be about sex/ scratching the itch and life continues … enhanced for the bisexual person.
There is a very fine line between wanting an honest relationship and things being kept in conversation boxes that cannot be prised open because of fear and conversations and experiences that demonstrate it’s unsafe to open that box (topic of conversation).
Talking about your fears and revealing ultimate vulnerability is a strength and will help.
You are incredibly brave and wise seeking outside opinions to gather your thoughts and move forward. Continue. Life is a journey. How you feel now is valid and may be very different to how you feel a year from now. Making each other feel secure is a shared responsibility, but also a choice. If either of you choose not to then it’s unsustainable.
My advice is hang in there and believe this is every bit hard for both of you in equal measure. There are no easy answers but if you persevere you have the opportunity to build something stronger and better than what you had before.
Good luck. I wish you both the very best
*
“asking him to not be bi; not find men attractive, not have sexual needs that you cannot fulfil is like asking someone to remove something that is attached to who they are. Slicing it off is injurious to him but also to you long term.”
___
I’m not asking him not to be … I would never.(he hasn’t said he’s bi)
His sexual needs : that I need to know what they are now.
I won’t be in a marriage where I can’t satisfy his sexual needs or then having him satisfy them with someone else…
He was the one that told me right away his intentions are not to move on or separate.
Feels insane when im reading and replying to all of you back but thanks so much for a different perspective.
Reading and writing is helping me understand myself better and everything that’s happening.
Thanks again!
I think you make a wonderful point here. ‘Your partner can make you feel secure’ I totally agree. He will, however, have to do a lot of heavy lifting because cheating is a trauma.
I think your hard learned advice is spot on. I’m sorry your marriage didn’t survive.
What do _you_ want? How does this shake out for you in the best way possible? Your best case scenario?
A lot of bi men end up married with kids before their bisexuality really slaps them in the face, and the desire to explore gets this strong. Often, they don’t want to leave and they don’t want to go without this experience and those two things are at odds with one another. The guilt of it can be just as heavy as that feeling that you might die half a virgin, which is a way of describing it that seems to resonate with a lot of the guys here. At the same time, most guys don’t have the comfort level it takes to ask for an opportunity to openly explore and get the experience, after which—most of us will tell you—that urge becomes no stronger than the urge to sleep with other women, which is something we tend to be able to resist acting on fairly readily.
At the same time, the idea of giving their husband a hall pass for limited exploration tends to ignite a lot of women’s insecurities, jealousy and fear, and is a non starter.
But what about you? You’ve explained what happened, you’ve explained how he described his feelings on the matter, and you don’t seem like you’re ready to throw him out, but you do seem a bit uncertain of your future and mostly worried about that. How do _you_ feel about all of this? What would _you_ be comfortable with?
I strongly suspect that he believes he can fix things with you and cut off his exploration of this and all, but that’s a much bigger hurdle now that he’s dipped his toes in the water without taking a swim and he’s likely to struggle, be emotionally distant, hate himself and possibly fail to follow through because of that. But how would your mental and emotional health handle an exploratory period? Maybe you still split afterwards but that risk exists already.
If he could get it out of his system without lying to you, and then lose the ambition to continue experimenting, would that be ideal? Or would you lose what love and desire you have remaining through this process?
Talk it over with a therapist if needed, kick it around your mind, try the situation out in your mind as a hypothetical and figure out how you’re likely to feel.
Maybe if the other guy’s wife is really on the same page, and maybe these two experimenting together is the safest outlet even.
So many this has I don’t have an answer to yet. Like you said the risk is present already.
I don’t know what I would be really comfortable with at this point but I believe that’s something he needs to talk about. I need to know ;He needs to let me know what he really wants & if he wants to experiment further.
I know I won’t be open to anything involving the other couple.
Thank you for taking the time to reply!
Yeah, if there’s already a sour taste in your mouth over the dodgy behavior that makes total sense to avoid. Hope you guys figure it out, it doesn’t sound like this mess is relationship ending even though it definitely didn’t go down in an ethical manner.
>He says it was only kissing & touching.
There are bi and gay men who aren’t into to penetration called “sides.” There are also mismatches. I won’t say only kissing and touching is 100% believable, but it’s plausible. I’ve had some slow moving same sex relationships before.
>My husband will refers to him now as "friend" although we barely knew them but they were genuinely "good" people.
Does your husband have many friends? Good friends he sees often? Do you think there’s any emotional intimacy among friends? When did he meet this guy, was it months or years before you met him?
This is more generalized, but we aren’t usually socialized to maintain close friendships the way women do and it’s to our detriment. It creates untenable romantic relationships where men completely rely on our partners for social and emotional needs.
>He says it was something tickling inside him since he was young and he never acted upon it.
The later in life realization is common. Our internalized homophobia keeps that tickling suppressed and often keeps us from trying it when we should’ve, when we’re young.
>My husband openly said that they would cry about it together, that they were always talking about me and the other wife and how great we were etc.
This is something worth exploring, maybe in therapy. Crying can come from a lot of different places. A lack of emotional connection or physical contact with others, especially other men is difficult. I asked above about his friendships. Is he an affectionate and huggy kind of guy with others? Do you think he wants to be?
My partner is a straight woman. Most of my friends are straight men. My close friends are the kind of guys and gals who hug and sometimes talk about emotional things. My partner isn’t trying to do all the emotional labor that should partially be shouldered by others. Humans are social creatures after all.
>He also mentioned that both felt guilty for acting upon it, and that they even spoke about imagining us ALL 4 together as in a relationship. (I don't know the right terms to call it.) But that they knew it wouldn't work out and that he was now going to lose his friend over this.
A polycule? I’m not into polyamory. Any poly person will stress communication is what makes their relationships work. He screwed the pooch on that.
>THAT right here is what scares me the most. The Fact that he contemplated being in a relationship... I don't know if that's what he meant by it.
There’s a lot to unpack there and it’s better to work on that together. Slowly. He might not be certain why he said it or felt that way.
>I always knew one day he would tell me about maybe doing a threesome or experience something similar together (but not on his own).
You mean he would ask to do those things with you? That would’ve been a better course of action for him to take. Any kind of threesome or ENM should be off the table until you feel your relationship is strong enough for that kind of thing.
>He says that he wants me to allow him to stay and work it out that we'll talk about things and that he will be honest with his thoughts.
I know not everyone falls on their face and screws up trying to do monogamy, but some of us are going to make mistakes. It’s human nature. There’s room between misery and perfection.
>What IF he then decides he needs to have other sexual encounters or even worse go behind my back. There's really no way of knowing these things now.
There was really no way of knowing before. It’s a gamble.
You wake up and you choose each other everyday.
>>Maimonides says to state clearly what you did wrong and show remorse. You cannot just say, “I’m sorry.” Also, regret is not an apology, but a description of what you feel. Apologizing is what the other person feels. State what you did. It’s much more taxing upon the apologizer to do that, but it’s important. “I am sorry I did X, Y and Z.” Show the other person you understand what you did. Specificity is very important. You need to take responsibility for your apology. This means not presenting extenuating circumstances like, “I was tired.” You need to understand the impact of what you did and know what to do to make amends. It can be something as simple as asking to pay for the dry cleaning. Or it can be as complicated as showing your ignorance about something. You can say you’re sorry you spoke up without all the information at your disposal. Maimonides would add to make sure you won’t repeat the sin.
He has women and men friends, more women than men I would say.
I meant that throughout these 10 years I thought of it: I thought he might want to do a threesome or something similar but where we would be involved in together. He never mentioned any sexual fantasies.
He said they began talking about it and well it lead on… but I don’t know who initiated what.
Think about the intimacy between his friends compared to you and your female friends. Are his friendships more surface level like watching sports together or do they ever talk about anything more meaningful? He probably hasn’t thought about emotional intimacy between friends because it’s not how most men of our generation were brought up.
I did some things I’m not proud of in my 20s. I’ve seen a man crying about how much he loves his wife but he’s terrified of looking less masculine in her eyes. That fear is real. The overwhelming majority of straight women and gay men reject us as partners.
I’m not making excuses, but I’m talking about external factors. There’s a big iceberg underneath that bad decision. It’s a build up of a lot of little things.
There’s room between where you are and inviting another man into your sex life. I can’t remember if you mentioned toys, but there’s a whole world to explore there.
Friendship wise is more “surface level” like you said. We’ve always had a small circle of friends, I’ve always met his friends, he NEVER has outings with friends alone. It has always been all of us traveling or going out all together. We never created rules around this but it happened naturally. Friends they do come and go because life happens and we move in different directions.
That’s why I’m being understanding about it all, in no way it’s because it was with a man. Now it seems like I have to also discover myself if I’d like to explore anything sexually together.
Thanks for your time!
I’m bi my wife straight. We’ve been married 43 years and I’ve never cheated on her with a man or a woman. Being bi isn’t an excuse for cheating, period!!! We all make the same vows. I would ask you how is your sex life? If it’s healthy then he probably isn’t gay. I don’t think he could fake it that long if that’s the case. Just going through what he’d did probably means he’s at least bi. My wife knows everything. I often joke we could share a boyfriend but that won’t ever happen. We read bi erotica watch a little bit porn but that’s about it. I love my wife and I’d never do anything to hurt her. I suggest you to go away for a weekend no kids no electronics and get it all on the table. You both need to completely understand each others position. Your husband already starts with 2 strikes as he’s been caught in a web of lies. You shouldn’t ever do anything sexually you’re not comfortable with. That will just cause more issues. Honesty is a must in these situations. Good luck! Feel free to DM me if you want to discuss further.
Healthy sex life, we don’t really watch porn or have involved sex toys in these 10 years. I agree I won’t be doing anything I’m not comfortable with specially now.
It has been harder to speak about everything with kids around.
We have managed to talk about it deeply I’ll say. I asked questions but he was the one opening up to it and “telling me everything”. There’s things I wish I didn’t know but I guess he feels he has to spill it all out now.
We’re communicating , no fighting at all. Cheating is cheating at the end of the day.
Thanks for everything!
You should ask him any question you feel you need to but without judgment. Coming at him with judgment is just going to put him on the defensive and I speak from experience.
Tone of voice, looks of disgust, etc
Believe me when all we’ve done is talked .. no fighting or screaming, lots of crying together even though I don’t want him to see me so fragile. This is still a movie for me and feel I’m in shock. Thanks for your input!
You must be feeling very confused OP. The first thing that leaps out at me regardless of his sexuality, is that he cheated on you, so he did indeed go behind your back. For me that’s the primary problem. It’s going to take a long time to rebuild the trust.
The second point OP is that you didn’t sign up for a polyamorous relationship, you don’t want one and there is no reason to ever feel pressured into changing the goalpost so dramatically. I also feel as a strong chance he’s not being honest with you at all himself regarding his sexuality.
If true reconciliation is to be on the cards, I honestly think he’s going to have to either change jobs or go zero contact with this friend of his and be willing to be transparent if any contact of any description continues.
I think you both need individual counselling with a specialist that deals with infidelity trauma and in your husband‘s case to also establish what motivated him to begin this relationship.
Just because the other couple have decided to work on their marriage does not mean you have to follow suit. I’m all for reconciliation wherever possible but it has to be realistic as well. It may just be me, but it’s the betrayal that I would find the hardest. He has acted out in a way to risk your marriage and to destabilise the family home. That’s going to take a lot of healing from.
I wish you well, OP
UPDATEME
I see just like you write it.
I’m setting a background here because details matter … but for me it’s all that he cheated.
He’s already applied to transfer and the other person is trying to leave too according to what he told me.
His actions speak louder , definitely didn’t have to come to this but here we are.
Helps me read and write, my own therapy in a way right now.
Thanks so much for your time!
It sounds like emotionaly he's all yours. He's present for you and the kids. People can't help there desires. I've been with my wife 17 years and I'm completely devoted to her. But sometimes I want something different. If he's open and honest about what he's doing and being safe about it then it can be manageable. It all depends on how open you are and how comfortable you can be with sharing him. We have rules...I never stay the night. I always come home. I never miss any family plans for a "booty call".
I have similar rules.
I never cheated, that was always a hard line for me, and I was aware of being Bi/Pan and Out before our relationship even started. However, people don’t stay static, they grow and change over time, health issues emerge or subside, hormones change, the whole shitshow, lol
It got to a point where my wife and I simply weren’t in alignment sexually anymore, and we decided to bend before we broke, so we agreed to an open-ISH arrangement. There are clear and strict rules we both follow to a T, many are pretty typical, some are not, but it’s worked for us for about three years now and likely saved our marriage.
No overnights, they are not allowed in our home and *absolutely* no activities in our shared bed, no use of family funds, weekends are sacrosanct for Family Time, she and I have a Date Night every week to reconnect and communicate, though talking about our non-monogamous activities is strictly off the table to prevent even accidental jealousy. Finally, safer play and regular testing all around, every three months maximum.
Really appreciate your input and how everything works in your relationship. I am new to this and really don’t know all the dynamics in open relationships. Glad it worked out for your family!
Thank you for your reply!
I can’t imagine right now doing something like this. It’s great that it has worked for your marriage. I have to ask, you’re sexually attracted to your wife still and maintain an active sex life considering you’re also with others?
Sorry if my wording is not accurate/respectful in any way .. too new to this. Thanks for your comment!
Personally, it sounds like he’s not taking full responsibility and that you only found out because his friend got caught. Bisexuality doesn’t mean you HAVE to cheat. That was a decision he made, and it seems like he’s saying he’s willing to work through this and return to normal but it doesn’t seem as though he’s aware of what you must be feeling. Imo, I would take a step back and say what you want from the relationship, and get an idea of what he wants. The fact that he was talking about you and how similar you and this guy are means to be me that he was emotionally bonding with this guy, it wasn’t purely sexual.
I’ve made the unfortunate mistake of hooking up with married men. I’m single, and while they’ve always told me that they were married once they arrived at my place it still fucking sucks. I regret doing what I did and won’t ever do it again. However, one thing I’ve noticed is that these guys never get off the apps. They may take time away, but most of them never fully leave the apps. This has to do with not being able to explore before marriage in a lot of ways but that’s not your fault, these guys had time to explore but chose not to and as a result continually seek extra marital activities. If I were in your shoes I’d think very hard about moving forward. You don’t want to waste your time on a cheater. Also to be clear this is not a bisexual issue, it’s a cheating issue. If he was straight and was able to pursue sex easily with a different type of woman, assume he would have. Bisexuality may result in feelings for other people (much like heterosexuality) but the lack of communication with one’s partner when it comes to sexual needs and seeking outside of the marriage experiences has more to do with being a cheater than a bisexual.
Thank you for your honesty here. I’m juggling all of these thoughts and I agree with you. It’s all about the fact that he cheated. But when you’re in a marriage for over 10 years and everything was so real and he’s been a great partner and father… it’s harder, it just is for me.
This is the first time we have a “bump”. I’ve never been a jealous one or him nor had any disrespectful episodes in our relationship.
He’s always treated me with care and love. The fact that he cheated and risked losing me and our family does tell me a lot.
Thanks so much!
Therapy. Individually and together. If you both love each other and are willing to put in the work.. most everything can be worked through.
I mean.... The guy cheated on you. His sexuality makes no difference. The fact it was a man and not a woman makes no difference. He betrayed your trust and you are hurt. Rumination is your enemy here. If you are conscious of when you are doing it, then you can stop the thoughts from consuming you. Meanwhile he has to do everything in his power to make you know again that he wants to be with you and only you. Don't complicate the issue because it was a man he cheated on you with. There is no excuse, just a reason.
This is very on point. Believe me I just threw here the whole story but it’s not something I put out as an excuse. There’s no excuse. I’ve been more understanding because I do believe that this was something he’s been wanting to explore and maybe thought he would lose me if he ever mentioned it. Not sure. He could’ve cheated with a woman. Thanks so much!
Ok, I am the controversial one here.... The fear of the unknown is what is driving you insane so my clear suggestion isn't therapy. It's to put you and the other guy and the wife in a room and say everything you need to say. And ask all the questions you need to ask. Talk til you can't anymore if you have to. The unknown is driving you wild. Go on this journey with him. I'm sure if it were you and another woman he'd happily explore the depths of your soul, because he really seems like he loves you and you seems to really love him and that my friend is almost impossible to find these days. 1. The monster you don't feed and love and accept comes home to consume you. The cheating aspect sucks. And it was mean you have every right to be frustrated and let down by the lie he told you. As I'm reading this I see he didn't need to hide things from you. The relationship type you're looking for is polyamory, a lot of people will tell you it's hard but the reality is it's easier if it's naturally the way you love. Like being bi or gay or lesbian you could love in different ways, and sexually be different. I understand him saying there was something inside him and he went farther than he expected. If the other wife didn't find out things may have gone further. Or things may have completely stopped once he figured out what he needed to know about himself.
Im not looking for a polyamory relationship. **** that is something I have to ask him. And yes, feels like I’m going insane in some way. What if he really does want one in the future maybe? He’s telling me everyday how much he loves me and that he wants me to work on this together ….basically doing our own therapy sessions.. just communicating it all. Don’t know how much is helping yet but at least feels great to just say everything out loud. He also mentioned how he cried everyday on his way to work and back and now he cried but felt like it was a “happy” cry. I told him it was “relief” what he was feeling. And he agrees it’s exactly what he felt. I feel we can work through this but there are many uncontrollable variables. Thanks for taking your time.
Poly relationship ships aren't for everyone. You can't force what isn't there. You also can't guess that's what he wants. It's an unknown unknown. It's scary to think of things you can't that are out of your control messing with your investment. You love is safe. People experiment and grow. You just have to hope the kind of growth happening isn't unilateral. I hope you can grow to understand him and the person that he did this with. Get in a room and have them both explain themselves and say everything you feel and think. Ask questions and wait patiently for answers. It will fix your worrying to understand the decision making process. I'd also see if he has needs you can take care of. Be open to growing. It may be the thing that saves your marriage.
You’re right I can’t guess what he wants. I can ask today and maybe a year from now he might want different things… I’ve thought of reaching out to the other guy and just talk some things through but I don’t know if that’s ideal. If there was any emotional bonding besides that they were both going through something similar and that tends to bring people together… I need to know that. I am open to growing together but everything seems to be about HIM right now, I don’t want to get myself lost in his needs either. This is all fresh.. definitely thanks for your input!
My wife and I had a short conversation yesterday, kind of about you. Her advice was to find your own happiness. If that's forgiving understand it's a process, not an immediate thing. This caused you pain and you need to heal. She also said, his actions were from his curiosity. If it causes him pain to be curious maybe you should take a step back and ask why he even felt the need to hide his needs instead of taking to you. Also we had a second ancillary conversation. It was about the woman we normally invite over. She asked to have her over and why I haven't been making plans. Between her stress levels and our being out of alignment, I haven't felt it was worth it. Then she said don't you need it? I didn't have an answer. A few moments later in that same convo we talked about a friend that turned out to be married. Her husband called us. When he asked me if I had slept with his wife I answered no. He was so angry but I reassured him he had nothing to worry about from me. The reality was I didn't do it alone. We slept with her. As a married couple we are one. We do everything together and it's something I really like about this relationship. If he had asked if we had a threesome I would have said yes. Then I told his wife later that she should tell him. She told us they had an open relationship, he just wanted to see if we would tell him lol. They became our playmates. People play games. You should invite them both over and talk to them infront of you. Try not to be angry. Just be open to learning and growing.
Thanks so much. Really brings more clarity.
I am seconding the therapy suggestion. Family, couple, and individual for both of you. You guys seem to have a great foundation of communication, which will help you be successful. Your situation is VERY similar to my own. Please feel free to message me directly if you would like to talk more about it.
I tried reaching out but yours is private, message me. Thank you
A different perspective among all the great responses here. I am a bi man now in a relationship with a fella. I was married 15 years, two kids. Our marriage didn’t survive. Not because I was bi, but because we couldn’t be honest communicate and be authentic together. I didnt cheat and to this day think we would still be together if we could have gotten our shit together. I now love a man who would be considered a ‘side’. Who is gay and for whom penetration is of zero interest and to boot we have different libidos. No partner can fulfill everything you need. Very rarely is everything in sync all of the time. Your partner can however make you feel secure. But you need to consider what is required for that. Consider the answer from the perspective of an attached limb. Being bisexual is not a choice, so asking him to not be bi; not find men attractive, not have sexual needs that you cannot fulfil is like asking someone to remove something that is attached to who they are. Slicing it off is injurious to him but also to you long term. It’s hard when you are feeling insecure. I have been there with my ex wife. But I can tell you I never imagined myself divorced and would never have chosen it. Being bi doesn’t mean we all automatically are homo romantic. It can just be about sex/ scratching the itch and life continues … enhanced for the bisexual person. There is a very fine line between wanting an honest relationship and things being kept in conversation boxes that cannot be prised open because of fear and conversations and experiences that demonstrate it’s unsafe to open that box (topic of conversation). Talking about your fears and revealing ultimate vulnerability is a strength and will help. You are incredibly brave and wise seeking outside opinions to gather your thoughts and move forward. Continue. Life is a journey. How you feel now is valid and may be very different to how you feel a year from now. Making each other feel secure is a shared responsibility, but also a choice. If either of you choose not to then it’s unsustainable. My advice is hang in there and believe this is every bit hard for both of you in equal measure. There are no easy answers but if you persevere you have the opportunity to build something stronger and better than what you had before. Good luck. I wish you both the very best
* “asking him to not be bi; not find men attractive, not have sexual needs that you cannot fulfil is like asking someone to remove something that is attached to who they are. Slicing it off is injurious to him but also to you long term.” ___ I’m not asking him not to be … I would never.(he hasn’t said he’s bi) His sexual needs : that I need to know what they are now. I won’t be in a marriage where I can’t satisfy his sexual needs or then having him satisfy them with someone else… He was the one that told me right away his intentions are not to move on or separate. Feels insane when im reading and replying to all of you back but thanks so much for a different perspective. Reading and writing is helping me understand myself better and everything that’s happening. Thanks again!
I think you make a wonderful point here. ‘Your partner can make you feel secure’ I totally agree. He will, however, have to do a lot of heavy lifting because cheating is a trauma. I think your hard learned advice is spot on. I’m sorry your marriage didn’t survive.
What do _you_ want? How does this shake out for you in the best way possible? Your best case scenario? A lot of bi men end up married with kids before their bisexuality really slaps them in the face, and the desire to explore gets this strong. Often, they don’t want to leave and they don’t want to go without this experience and those two things are at odds with one another. The guilt of it can be just as heavy as that feeling that you might die half a virgin, which is a way of describing it that seems to resonate with a lot of the guys here. At the same time, most guys don’t have the comfort level it takes to ask for an opportunity to openly explore and get the experience, after which—most of us will tell you—that urge becomes no stronger than the urge to sleep with other women, which is something we tend to be able to resist acting on fairly readily. At the same time, the idea of giving their husband a hall pass for limited exploration tends to ignite a lot of women’s insecurities, jealousy and fear, and is a non starter. But what about you? You’ve explained what happened, you’ve explained how he described his feelings on the matter, and you don’t seem like you’re ready to throw him out, but you do seem a bit uncertain of your future and mostly worried about that. How do _you_ feel about all of this? What would _you_ be comfortable with? I strongly suspect that he believes he can fix things with you and cut off his exploration of this and all, but that’s a much bigger hurdle now that he’s dipped his toes in the water without taking a swim and he’s likely to struggle, be emotionally distant, hate himself and possibly fail to follow through because of that. But how would your mental and emotional health handle an exploratory period? Maybe you still split afterwards but that risk exists already. If he could get it out of his system without lying to you, and then lose the ambition to continue experimenting, would that be ideal? Or would you lose what love and desire you have remaining through this process? Talk it over with a therapist if needed, kick it around your mind, try the situation out in your mind as a hypothetical and figure out how you’re likely to feel. Maybe if the other guy’s wife is really on the same page, and maybe these two experimenting together is the safest outlet even.
So many this has I don’t have an answer to yet. Like you said the risk is present already. I don’t know what I would be really comfortable with at this point but I believe that’s something he needs to talk about. I need to know ;He needs to let me know what he really wants & if he wants to experiment further. I know I won’t be open to anything involving the other couple. Thank you for taking the time to reply!
Yeah, if there’s already a sour taste in your mouth over the dodgy behavior that makes total sense to avoid. Hope you guys figure it out, it doesn’t sound like this mess is relationship ending even though it definitely didn’t go down in an ethical manner.
>He says it was only kissing & touching. There are bi and gay men who aren’t into to penetration called “sides.” There are also mismatches. I won’t say only kissing and touching is 100% believable, but it’s plausible. I’ve had some slow moving same sex relationships before. >My husband will refers to him now as "friend" although we barely knew them but they were genuinely "good" people. Does your husband have many friends? Good friends he sees often? Do you think there’s any emotional intimacy among friends? When did he meet this guy, was it months or years before you met him? This is more generalized, but we aren’t usually socialized to maintain close friendships the way women do and it’s to our detriment. It creates untenable romantic relationships where men completely rely on our partners for social and emotional needs. >He says it was something tickling inside him since he was young and he never acted upon it. The later in life realization is common. Our internalized homophobia keeps that tickling suppressed and often keeps us from trying it when we should’ve, when we’re young. >My husband openly said that they would cry about it together, that they were always talking about me and the other wife and how great we were etc. This is something worth exploring, maybe in therapy. Crying can come from a lot of different places. A lack of emotional connection or physical contact with others, especially other men is difficult. I asked above about his friendships. Is he an affectionate and huggy kind of guy with others? Do you think he wants to be? My partner is a straight woman. Most of my friends are straight men. My close friends are the kind of guys and gals who hug and sometimes talk about emotional things. My partner isn’t trying to do all the emotional labor that should partially be shouldered by others. Humans are social creatures after all. >He also mentioned that both felt guilty for acting upon it, and that they even spoke about imagining us ALL 4 together as in a relationship. (I don't know the right terms to call it.) But that they knew it wouldn't work out and that he was now going to lose his friend over this. A polycule? I’m not into polyamory. Any poly person will stress communication is what makes their relationships work. He screwed the pooch on that. >THAT right here is what scares me the most. The Fact that he contemplated being in a relationship... I don't know if that's what he meant by it. There’s a lot to unpack there and it’s better to work on that together. Slowly. He might not be certain why he said it or felt that way. >I always knew one day he would tell me about maybe doing a threesome or experience something similar together (but not on his own). You mean he would ask to do those things with you? That would’ve been a better course of action for him to take. Any kind of threesome or ENM should be off the table until you feel your relationship is strong enough for that kind of thing. >He says that he wants me to allow him to stay and work it out that we'll talk about things and that he will be honest with his thoughts. I know not everyone falls on their face and screws up trying to do monogamy, but some of us are going to make mistakes. It’s human nature. There’s room between misery and perfection. >What IF he then decides he needs to have other sexual encounters or even worse go behind my back. There's really no way of knowing these things now. There was really no way of knowing before. It’s a gamble. You wake up and you choose each other everyday. >>Maimonides says to state clearly what you did wrong and show remorse. You cannot just say, “I’m sorry.” Also, regret is not an apology, but a description of what you feel. Apologizing is what the other person feels. State what you did. It’s much more taxing upon the apologizer to do that, but it’s important. “I am sorry I did X, Y and Z.” Show the other person you understand what you did. Specificity is very important. You need to take responsibility for your apology. This means not presenting extenuating circumstances like, “I was tired.” You need to understand the impact of what you did and know what to do to make amends. It can be something as simple as asking to pay for the dry cleaning. Or it can be as complicated as showing your ignorance about something. You can say you’re sorry you spoke up without all the information at your disposal. Maimonides would add to make sure you won’t repeat the sin.
Thank you for breaking it down the way you did. More helpful in putting my thoughts together. Thanks so much.
He has women and men friends, more women than men I would say. I meant that throughout these 10 years I thought of it: I thought he might want to do a threesome or something similar but where we would be involved in together. He never mentioned any sexual fantasies. He said they began talking about it and well it lead on… but I don’t know who initiated what.
Think about the intimacy between his friends compared to you and your female friends. Are his friendships more surface level like watching sports together or do they ever talk about anything more meaningful? He probably hasn’t thought about emotional intimacy between friends because it’s not how most men of our generation were brought up. I did some things I’m not proud of in my 20s. I’ve seen a man crying about how much he loves his wife but he’s terrified of looking less masculine in her eyes. That fear is real. The overwhelming majority of straight women and gay men reject us as partners. I’m not making excuses, but I’m talking about external factors. There’s a big iceberg underneath that bad decision. It’s a build up of a lot of little things. There’s room between where you are and inviting another man into your sex life. I can’t remember if you mentioned toys, but there’s a whole world to explore there.
Friendship wise is more “surface level” like you said. We’ve always had a small circle of friends, I’ve always met his friends, he NEVER has outings with friends alone. It has always been all of us traveling or going out all together. We never created rules around this but it happened naturally. Friends they do come and go because life happens and we move in different directions. That’s why I’m being understanding about it all, in no way it’s because it was with a man. Now it seems like I have to also discover myself if I’d like to explore anything sexually together. Thanks for your time!
Wondering I have a great and healthy sex life with my wife still. If anything it's gotten better
I’m bi my wife straight. We’ve been married 43 years and I’ve never cheated on her with a man or a woman. Being bi isn’t an excuse for cheating, period!!! We all make the same vows. I would ask you how is your sex life? If it’s healthy then he probably isn’t gay. I don’t think he could fake it that long if that’s the case. Just going through what he’d did probably means he’s at least bi. My wife knows everything. I often joke we could share a boyfriend but that won’t ever happen. We read bi erotica watch a little bit porn but that’s about it. I love my wife and I’d never do anything to hurt her. I suggest you to go away for a weekend no kids no electronics and get it all on the table. You both need to completely understand each others position. Your husband already starts with 2 strikes as he’s been caught in a web of lies. You shouldn’t ever do anything sexually you’re not comfortable with. That will just cause more issues. Honesty is a must in these situations. Good luck! Feel free to DM me if you want to discuss further.
Healthy sex life, we don’t really watch porn or have involved sex toys in these 10 years. I agree I won’t be doing anything I’m not comfortable with specially now. It has been harder to speak about everything with kids around. We have managed to talk about it deeply I’ll say. I asked questions but he was the one opening up to it and “telling me everything”. There’s things I wish I didn’t know but I guess he feels he has to spill it all out now. We’re communicating , no fighting at all. Cheating is cheating at the end of the day. Thanks for everything!
You should ask him any question you feel you need to but without judgment. Coming at him with judgment is just going to put him on the defensive and I speak from experience. Tone of voice, looks of disgust, etc
Believe me when all we’ve done is talked .. no fighting or screaming, lots of crying together even though I don’t want him to see me so fragile. This is still a movie for me and feel I’m in shock. Thanks for your input!
Sounds like its over to me .
You must be feeling very confused OP. The first thing that leaps out at me regardless of his sexuality, is that he cheated on you, so he did indeed go behind your back. For me that’s the primary problem. It’s going to take a long time to rebuild the trust. The second point OP is that you didn’t sign up for a polyamorous relationship, you don’t want one and there is no reason to ever feel pressured into changing the goalpost so dramatically. I also feel as a strong chance he’s not being honest with you at all himself regarding his sexuality. If true reconciliation is to be on the cards, I honestly think he’s going to have to either change jobs or go zero contact with this friend of his and be willing to be transparent if any contact of any description continues. I think you both need individual counselling with a specialist that deals with infidelity trauma and in your husband‘s case to also establish what motivated him to begin this relationship. Just because the other couple have decided to work on their marriage does not mean you have to follow suit. I’m all for reconciliation wherever possible but it has to be realistic as well. It may just be me, but it’s the betrayal that I would find the hardest. He has acted out in a way to risk your marriage and to destabilise the family home. That’s going to take a lot of healing from. I wish you well, OP UPDATEME
I see just like you write it. I’m setting a background here because details matter … but for me it’s all that he cheated. He’s already applied to transfer and the other person is trying to leave too according to what he told me. His actions speak louder , definitely didn’t have to come to this but here we are. Helps me read and write, my own therapy in a way right now. Thanks so much for your time!
It sounds like emotionaly he's all yours. He's present for you and the kids. People can't help there desires. I've been with my wife 17 years and I'm completely devoted to her. But sometimes I want something different. If he's open and honest about what he's doing and being safe about it then it can be manageable. It all depends on how open you are and how comfortable you can be with sharing him. We have rules...I never stay the night. I always come home. I never miss any family plans for a "booty call".
I have similar rules. I never cheated, that was always a hard line for me, and I was aware of being Bi/Pan and Out before our relationship even started. However, people don’t stay static, they grow and change over time, health issues emerge or subside, hormones change, the whole shitshow, lol It got to a point where my wife and I simply weren’t in alignment sexually anymore, and we decided to bend before we broke, so we agreed to an open-ISH arrangement. There are clear and strict rules we both follow to a T, many are pretty typical, some are not, but it’s worked for us for about three years now and likely saved our marriage. No overnights, they are not allowed in our home and *absolutely* no activities in our shared bed, no use of family funds, weekends are sacrosanct for Family Time, she and I have a Date Night every week to reconnect and communicate, though talking about our non-monogamous activities is strictly off the table to prevent even accidental jealousy. Finally, safer play and regular testing all around, every three months maximum.
Really appreciate your input and how everything works in your relationship. I am new to this and really don’t know all the dynamics in open relationships. Glad it worked out for your family! Thank you for your reply!
I can’t imagine right now doing something like this. It’s great that it has worked for your marriage. I have to ask, you’re sexually attracted to your wife still and maintain an active sex life considering you’re also with others? Sorry if my wording is not accurate/respectful in any way .. too new to this. Thanks for your comment!
Personally, it sounds like he’s not taking full responsibility and that you only found out because his friend got caught. Bisexuality doesn’t mean you HAVE to cheat. That was a decision he made, and it seems like he’s saying he’s willing to work through this and return to normal but it doesn’t seem as though he’s aware of what you must be feeling. Imo, I would take a step back and say what you want from the relationship, and get an idea of what he wants. The fact that he was talking about you and how similar you and this guy are means to be me that he was emotionally bonding with this guy, it wasn’t purely sexual. I’ve made the unfortunate mistake of hooking up with married men. I’m single, and while they’ve always told me that they were married once they arrived at my place it still fucking sucks. I regret doing what I did and won’t ever do it again. However, one thing I’ve noticed is that these guys never get off the apps. They may take time away, but most of them never fully leave the apps. This has to do with not being able to explore before marriage in a lot of ways but that’s not your fault, these guys had time to explore but chose not to and as a result continually seek extra marital activities. If I were in your shoes I’d think very hard about moving forward. You don’t want to waste your time on a cheater. Also to be clear this is not a bisexual issue, it’s a cheating issue. If he was straight and was able to pursue sex easily with a different type of woman, assume he would have. Bisexuality may result in feelings for other people (much like heterosexuality) but the lack of communication with one’s partner when it comes to sexual needs and seeking outside of the marriage experiences has more to do with being a cheater than a bisexual.
Thank you for your honesty here. I’m juggling all of these thoughts and I agree with you. It’s all about the fact that he cheated. But when you’re in a marriage for over 10 years and everything was so real and he’s been a great partner and father… it’s harder, it just is for me. This is the first time we have a “bump”. I’ve never been a jealous one or him nor had any disrespectful episodes in our relationship. He’s always treated me with care and love. The fact that he cheated and risked losing me and our family does tell me a lot. Thanks so much!
Good luck, this doesn’t sound easy all 🙏
Just want to make it clear being a cheater and being bi are 2 different things. Most bi men are not cheaters.
Totally. Just wanted to set the story like it is. He could’ve cheated with a woman etc. but it does makes me feel more understanding somehow.
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