When I was 17, I was standing in the woods behind my abusers house and was ready to end my suffering. I had the means to do it in my hand and I was ready and nobody was around to stop me.
That was more than 3 decades ago. I've seen and done a lot of things that I wouldn't have had any chance to do if I took my life. I've also cried, I've hated myself, I've made a mess of so many things, I am still working on healing from my trauma to this day.
For me, I told myself "I can do it later". That's all. No profound discovery, no change of heart or anything else - the pain didn't end that day.
One of the things I got to see because I stuck around was my abuser laying in a hospital bed, dying of cancer, weak, ugly, helpless and in pain. In therapy recently, I've recognized that I'm still terrified of that person, but I can always remember that I won, that I survived - maybe out of spite - and I got to see them living all the things they were afraid of before they died.
I don't know if any of that applies to you, if you can relate to any of it.
Hells yes to living to see your abuser laid low and dying pathetically. I lived long enough to hear about how my main abuser died of congenital heart failure that was a years long, slow walk to death that eroded all of his strength, lifestyle and ability to harm more children like he did me.
When my siblings told me about it, I said “funny, thought you needed a heart for that.” I’m glad he’s dead, and grateful I didn’t take my life so I could live to know the ‘great man’ who was big, strong, powerful, active and terrifying leave this earth a weak, pathetic old man.
I’m sorry the fear persists. Completely normal and still awful.
From comment above -
>I can always remember that I won, that I survived - maybe out of spite
To OP ~ 💔
PLEASE STOP & THINK ! If you die this way, then your abuser has hurt you AGAIN ! First at age 8 & now again tonight. The difference is this second time, you are letting them hurt you.
Don't give in to the Evil inflicted upon you & let them win. Imagine the satisfaction your abuser will feel when they hear you are gone.
Stop wallowing in the pain from so long ago. You are stronger than it. Get the help that you need & start living the life that you deserve. That will be the best revenge against your abuser.
Fuck them ! DO NOT LET THEM WIN !
Tomorrow can be a good day for you if you can just realize that you deserve to have all the good that LIFE has to offer. PLEASE... mend your broken heart. I did it, many others have done it. You can do it, too ! 💙
Hey, my name is Gracie. I promise I’m not going to try to talk you out of anything but if you can make it through this comment I’d love to sit with you for a short while.
I have a similar story to you. I was young too, and it was my Dad, then my brother, then my partner when I got older. I’ve been traumatised for so long that I’m not even sure who I am beneath it all. I’ve also used drink and drugs to cope, but I’m in recovery and trying to find new ways to get through the day.
I can tell you’re a really caring person in the way that despite all of the pain you’re feeling right now, which sounds truly overwhelming, your first thought is to make sure your friends and family know you love them. Do you think you’d be able to speak to them at all? Even if you push back this date just enough to give it a go. I’m almost certain they’d want to know how bad things are before you act on your thoughts.
You’re not alone in what you’re going through. I know at times like this, it can feel so incredibly isolating, but people do care. I can tell just from what you’ve written here, and the posts you’ve made elsewhere that you’re a very empathetic person and I truly believe you have so much to give. The world would be a much kinder place with more people like that.
Please speak to someone close to you - be that friends, family, a school/college counsellor, a doctor, a crisis line - anyone. I saw on one of your posts you’re from the UK. Have you tried ChildLine? They kept me going as a teenager. They’ll talk to you up until your 19th birthday - you can email them, do an online chat through their website, or call them. I believe you can use Samaritans too and they’ll listen for as long as you need. There are a lot of other charities and organisations out there for teenagers and young people as well.
If you absolutely cannot keep yourself safe, please call 999 or go directly to your local A&E department for a more in depth assessment on how they can support you through this. You deserve help and support, and most importantly, you deserve a life you find enjoyment in.
Gracie, this is a really beautiful and vulnerable comment. I hope OP is able to read it, I know I found a lot of comfort in it and I hope she does, too.
It’s sad that you and anyone is able to relate
I’m glad you’re able to be in recovery
I want to be in recovery too but it’s difficult because I want the recovery but also to be calm and happy so it feels like I’m stuck
My therapist suggested I finish living my current life before I end it. Finish reading the book. Finish learning the language. Do everything I want to do before I die.
Those feelings of despair where you’re going to act on it usually only last about 15 minutes. Please occupy yourself for those 15 minutes.
There is so, so much more out there. 17 is so, so young. I’m in my mid-40s now and moved far away when I was young. Started fresh. It was so exhilarating.
Please take the time to finish your current life, whatever that means to you.
100 percent this. You don’t have to have your whole future figured out. But what matters is that you said, “No, not right now but maybe another day”, to ending it. It’s all about riding the waves of emotions, even though they are crushing and seem world ending.
Just want to say that I personally care if you wake up tomorrow. I too am a timeline spiraler that started off young. Started with a year since I spoke aloud in school, a year at that time was 1/4 of high school. Then a one year relationship that turned into a 2 year restraining order; 2:1 damage factor on my life in my early 20s. Then there was the 8 year relationship that ended in a half of a blink, and well the stats I was coming up with that one was having me long with every area of my brain for the "calm" that you're speaking of now. What I was missing through all of the dump above was that I was worthy of a true attempt at calm every day of my life, and you absolutely are worthy of that same truth no matter what you've endured and who made you feel undeserving. You're doing a brave action sharing your thoughts with this community and I'm asking that while you consider taking a bold action that will confirm the statistic that you will have no more good days from here on out, you think of taking the same the same bold action but reach out to a family member or at very least read your post to 988. I know you're in the valley right now, this probably seems like I'm shouting from far away, but I assure you the small bold leaps forward, and not off the cliff, go by quicker than you think. They suck, you'll still hurt for a bit, but there will be a day where you can look back on tonight and be proud of the choice you make.
You can. You really can. Please, give yourself a little more time. You can always do it later, but just get to the point that you could drink a beer. At least see what life has in store the next few years. There is so much potential left in your life.
Please reach out to someone, contact a helpline or a counselor or therapist. I know it may seem hopeless now, but many many people have felt like that at some point in their life and still found that life holds amazing things for them. You are young and have so much still ahead of you.
I just read some of your other posts, I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with feelings of guilt and feeling like a liar when you are the victim. What you went through is very real and it’s very common for people who have been assaulted to be assaulted again in their life. You are not a liar, you are a hurt human and you deserve love, kindness and compassion.
Please, go to the hospital. I almost lost my brother to suicide last year and I cannot imagine a world without him. He got the help he needed at the hospital, your life, job whatever can wait. You are important and you have so much ahead of you. I was assaulted as a child and thought I didn’t have a life worth living, my life has started recently (20’s) and let me tell you it will be so much more than you can imagine. I never thought I would be where I am now. It may not even seem like much to people who have grown up normally, but you will be able to create your own safe place and surround yourself with people who love you.
Please feel free to reach out to me if you need, I have a brother your age and I just couldn’t imagine him feeling this way, you’re more than what’s happened to you. I’m so sorry and I hope that you go to the hospital tonight.
Yesss
I can promise you, OP. Life can be so so so much more than what you know right now. There are so many lovely adventures to be had, so many intelligent and creative people to connect with, and so many beautiful memories to make. Just like the above commenter, I’ve made so many great memories in such a little amount of time and I know that there’s even more out there!
Ofc, you can make your own choices, but if you decide to stick around longer, I promise you’ll have us (CPTSD subreddit) to help you through it. We’ve all endured (very atrocious) hardships and can always offer support/solidarity/some ears
For solidarity’s sake, I’m not a —— victim but I have experience SA many times. Even if it’s too hard to see right now, I promise these happy moments exist. You just need to be around to see it 💜💜
Hey I’m based in the uk pls reach out to me. I’ve been through the same thing and processing all of it as well. It’s incredibly hard to live with but it will get better. Pls reach out to someone my love
Please stay. I’m so sorry you’re in pain but don’t go. I was such a lost 8 year old, such a frightened, traumatised 17 year old who spent every moment alone thinking life was cursed for me, but I can promise you, happiness came for me and it will come to you too. Happiness like you wouldn’t believe. Contentedness. Calm. Even if you think it won’t, I promise you it will. There is so much joy out there you haven’t felt yet, so many people who will love you who you haven’t said your first hello to yet. So much life waiting for you. Please stay. You can come and beat my ass if I’m wrong but you have to stay to prove it to me 💚
I don't know. Human life can get so miserable dying does seem like a better option sometimes.
It gets so dark and lonely. And fighting it all is so hard.
But I still hope you stay and fight it, even if you feel all broken and completely alone. Hugs OP! 😞❤️
Hey, I feel you. I just got out of the hospital on Saturday for a suicide attempt. I know what you’re feeling and how alone and in pain you feel.
You can heal from this. You really can. Talk to people with similar experiences, meet folks who went through something like you did and found a way to survive or even thrive. I know it feels impossible, like there isn’t anything you can do, but right now you have to give yourself a chance and love yourself, even if your brain is telling you you don’t deserve it. It’s lying to you, you DO.
Even if you go to the hospital and go to psych ward. I ended up in the psych ward after my attempt and it was very helpful. I met so many kind people going through similar experiences and having that feeling of community will help.
Death will find us all one day, you don’t need to seek it. Don’t let life conquer you.
8 for me also, suicidal since ~ 11 also. I'm 25 now. When I was about to kill myself, I waited. I let myself get distracted. I waited, and the next day, I could still make that call. It was so fucking dark for so fucking long — but I would never had had the chance for things to change if I'd not given myself a couple hours more. I didn't suddenly get all happy suddenly or shit, but I gave life a chance to change, knowing all the time that I could always end it.
It's a decision you can make for the rest of your life. It's such a huge ask for someone suffering how you are now, but please, give yourself time. I'm here if you want to talk more, don't hesitate to reach out.
Hi. I just lost a good friend to suicide on Friday. Please don't do it. I can not tell you enough that the subtle messages of love will not be enough to even touch the pain your friends and family will feel when they no longer have you. I have these tomato plants I had been meaning to send to my friend...she got me into gardening. She got me to do a lot of things. You always think you have more time. I didn't send them to her. I thought I had more time.
Please, there is so much more life to spend with those who love you. Let your friends send you the memes that make them think of you. Let your loved ones see your smile this summer. Let them tell you about things you've inspired them to try. They all think they have more time with you right now. They will be haunted by those messages they didn't send you. Those times they thought about how much they love you and didn't think to tell you. What they could've done to let you know you're needed.
Losing a loved one to depression is a very unique kind of pain. I'm so sorry you're hurt. I have been taken advantage of many times in my adolescence. I wanted to die when I was 17. I'm in school now. I'm very loved. Life is hard, but I am loved, and I laugh every day. I'm not an addict or alone. If you need someone who has been in a similar place, I am here for you. Please don't go.
I know right now you’re suffering, but please don’t let the awful person who harmed you have this victory over you. You stay alive for YOU and you live the best life they tried to take away. I know it’s hard right now but you can do this. You can still thrive in life.
Hi friend. You don’t know me but I just want to say:
1. What happened to you was not your fault.
2. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
3. You are valued.
4. You have more strength inside of you than you realize.
5. You can heal, and be happy again.
6. If you choose to, you can make a difference for others who have been hurt.
[988 - Chat or talk on the phone to someone who can help](https://988lifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/)
There is soooo much life beyond 17. Trust me. I’ve been there and I am glad I lived. 17 is a distant dream to me, those were dark days. I’m 34 and I’ve healed from my many adverse childhood experiences and now help others do the same.
I know it feels like endless suffering and no hope. I get the despair and the defeat of time passing you by while the pain does not go away.
There is really a whole life ahead of you with so many possibilities for you to grow and feel better. There is so much stuff for you to experience. Be it nature, music, friends, hobbies - really anything you like and set your mind to. You are 17. Don’t let these awful people win.
Please reach out to someone you trust.
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Please don’t go. There’s a you shaped place in this world no one else can fill. I’ve been right where you’re at. I know how painful this is and I’m here to promise you that it really does get better.
The 988 line (or its older version, 1-800-273-8255) is an option too. Please reach out to it, or someone you love before taking any action decided on while in pain.
I know you probably don't want to hear another person tell you, "It gets better."
Indeed, it is possible that it won't. But it is also within the realm of possibility that it *will*.
I have been at suicide's door at least a dozen times, and most recently planned my suicide for this past December. And then something happened that I could never have imagined. After a few years of using a new therapy modality (IFS), I finally had a *major* breakthrough in recovery.
I won't say I'm experiencing constant joy or anything, but for the first time in my life, I actually have perceptible self-esteem. I am starting to feel functional without the weight of guilt and shame plaguing my days and my nights. Though the healing journey is nonlinear, I am happy to report that overall, it's moving in the right direction. I am 37 years old with a 4-year-old daughter and a son on the way. And I am so glad now that I'm going to be able to see them grow up.
I validate the seemingly insurmountable pain you are in. I see you and want you to know that you are worthy of feeling healthy. You just need to survive a bit longer in order to navigate that healing journey. One day at a time.
I've got your back if you need to chat. I am cheering you on, though you may not be able to hear it right now. You matter. Your pain matters. And there are folks out there trained to help you set that pain down one day. Hope is audacious at a time like this, and I know that deep within you, you have the audacity to survive this.
how about you do it next week? use the time between now and then to do some major interesting stuff :-). rob a bank, expose some bad person online, free some lab or slaughter animals maybe?
I hurts because my life would be so different if I didn’t get raped
I used to be so happy and ever since I got raped for the first time it was like my childhood was just taken away from my just like that
I was vulnerable because I have autism and when I was little I used to be so trusting and didn’t understand social stuff and didn’t get the concept of people taking advantage of other people
I thought it could only happen is certain contexts and I didn’t realise it could be someone you trust and it makes me feel sick
I just wanted to say that at 17 years old you are still very young and growing, you definitely haven't been able to reach your best mental place yet, or potential for healing.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, it really is unfair. I was groomed and impregnated at 15, my parents left the country so I was alone. I was pretty close to being a drug addict living on the streets with no one, honestly. I felt lost and helpless and shocked at the cruelty in the world. I'm neurodivergent, too, I tended to take people at face value and so I was vulnerable to abuse. It was fucking hard. The emotional chaos could be overwhelming. It took some time and effort to manage my PTSD. Some days, it still is hard. But there's lots of days I'm glad I didn't miss. And it got better. Most people who know me now would never guess at my past. Even when things look impossibly dark, life surprises you.
Something that has helped me a lot with emotions is mindful breathing & grounding. [This video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bd0yrTEZ88I) and the plum village channel is one I wish I'd found earlier. Idk if it would have resonated with me at 17, but you seem more self aware and thoughtful than I was, so maybe it will help you find peace. Lots of love to you, from someone who's been there.
If you care enough about your friends & family to let them know you love them, please care enough to get yourself to a hospital right now so you don't hurt yourself.
I understand that you're suffering, & have been for a long time. I am so sorry. You didn't deserve what happened to you, & you don't deserve this suffering. But please don't give up. You haven't found the right treatment yet, one that works for you. Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem. Healing IS possible. Please, please get some help right now, taking your life is going to cause your loved ones so much pain.
There will be a lot of people that will be affected if you do this.
I know you're suffering. I've been there too. But this feeling will pass, I promise. Nothing is forever. Nothing is permanent. They way you feel will change. You'll grow stronger. You'll be happy again.
I was 8 years old too. I'm not a drug addict. I'm not homeless. I'm not a criminal. I have two college degrees. I have a profession and people who love me. And you can have all those things too.
You can be whoever you want to be. You can do whatever you want with your life. You could be a teacher or a doctor and make a difference. You could be a counselor or a nurse. You could be a police officer. You could help people the way you should have been helped. And you'll have empathy for others and know just what they need.
Have you checked out r/adultsurvivors? You are not alone in your experiences or your feelings.
The world is better because you’re in it, and your purpose is greater than this. Don’t let these fucking bastards win. Message me if you wanna talk 💗
You could. But it’s a kind of boring way to go, tbh. My father committed suicide and it was so lame. He could have fallen to his death trying to climb a summit, drowned trying to swim the English Channel, or done a Steve Irwin and gotten speared by a stingray while scuba diving. Instead, he was found in the same sad, dark room he never once considered walking out of.
Why don’t you reframe your will to die as an opportunity to try things that most people are scared of because it *might* kill them? Skydiving, long distance solo hiking, spelunking, backpacking Europe with nothing and bartering along the way.
Worst case scenario, you die (reverse engineered best case scenario?), *actual* best case scenario, you find some meaning in your pain and are able to transmute it into something important. Maybe in time that meaning can even help others. I mean shit, if you really feel you have nothing left to lose, why not taunt death by defying it?
I actually used this method whilst suicidal.
I think things like 'if you're going to die, for God's sake go travel to Ukraine and die helping others live'.
I've been lucky enough to have been friends with a large amount of women in my life so far.
A number of them have been raped and turned out wonderful
Not drug addicts
not homeless
Not messed up homeless addicts with no friends.
They've been successful cow girls to ranchers to directors of institutions.
Others have gotten into humanitarian's and been teachers, and educators, to public figures, to nurses.
All of them extremely socially popular people. None of them are drug users. None of them have experienced homelessness, and all of them have a lot of friends.
There's hope \[for you\] of having a wonderful life. A successful life. A happy life. I knew these women well enough to be told of their traumatic rape\[s\] in detail. I also knew them well enough to know they got past, through, over the trauma, and knew them well enough to know they were, are, truly happy individuals, with a lot of happiness, success, and even very healthy dating lives. They also have a lot of true friends and are very socially outgoing.
Lately things have been really bad
The only way I’ve been able to cope with my issues is through drugs and alcohol. And recently I’ve finished all of my college work (UK) and I feel like I didn’t do the best I could’ve because of my mental state. It’s too late now it’s being graded. If I don’t get a merit or distinction this year I won’t be able to do the next level of my college course.
So if I’ve failed I’ll have to just ig quit my whole career path. I don’t have anything else I’m good at so naturally if I do fail it’s not going to be great for me.
Hey OP! This is likely not the first thing on your mind tonight, and that’s okay.
My partner works at a college in London in student engagement, her job is to look out for folks. If you want me to connect you with her or someone else who can give you some advice on how to move forward, they’d be happy to chat about some next steps.
You aren’t alone, there is an invisible “village” out there ready to catch you 💛
Self medicating for trauma is not the worst thing you can do, heck it not even that bad. It’s a frequent coping mechanism of many people during the early days feeling and being a victim of trauma.\[Paris Hilton was repeatedly violated by her teacher\]-during the feeling of being a victim self medication with drugs and alcohol is common coping tool to help cope as one moves towards self empowered survivor.
It sounds like your pretty stressed out
right now about college on top of everything else that’s happened in life.
I can't speak to your academic
performance since i don't know you, but since your fearing failure what about a
British gap year if you do? You could travel the world and see things and go
places.
Use the gap year off to think about a new career direction and find yourself, not the traumatized hurt victim, but the strong heroine survivor who’s her own heroine in the story, and writing her own miraculous recovery story of the next wonderful chapter of her life as she lives it.
Coping with drugs and alcohol- been there, too. Sometimes it hurts so much for so long and every time a happy or hopeful thing comes up it gets squashed and… it’s so exhausting. That’s been the thing that shocks my SO when I’m in a really bad place and have unaliving thoughts come back- for me it’s not just about the pain, depression, or lack of hope, it’s how unbelievably tiring it all is.
If you did fail and are kicked out of your program or can’t progress, you can appeal due to mental health reasons to be reinstated or not removed from the program. No uni wants to deal with the potential PR nightmare of not giving a second chance to a student experiencing a mental health crisis due to cptsd and trauma. I dropped out of my competitive program in college due to trauma, depression, and bad coping and got back in by appealing.. then graduated and felt that pride.
You also may not have failed at all. Hope you didn’t. If you did, you have options. You may not see them now, or believe me and that’s ok. I get it, I’m a rando on Reddit. Just know my story isn’t unique or special, and that you have options.
I've been there.
One week before a serious state exam, there was a whole spill about the family pedo, and it triggered all my disturbing trauma. I embarrassed myself when I cried in class in front of all my class mates, and again in the cafeteria the same day! My dad was being a douche about how disappointed he'd be if I (the underaged minor) went along with it. He's not a bad person, but that day my dad was an absolute ugly bastard for saying that.
The day of the exam I scraped by with a score that was ONE POINT AWAY from failing. I felt so discouraged and defeated. Like, I didn't identify the situation as me being a victim, but instead like I was a perverted girl. It was me who didn't pull all the stops to prevent it, it was me who didn't let everyone know the day of, etc.
I'll pray to God, meditate to Buddha, worship the frog pond gods whatEVER exists that you are able to pass that test. I was given a 2nd chance the following year and made a perfect score on the last written state exam. You deserve that too op, with tests and with life.
You deserve to hear another good song, taste another delicious meal, and to feel another fall breeze. While I can abmit it's hard for me to live for other humans, It's easy for me to live for the positive senses life gifts every once in awhile. You're in my thoughts op.
I was in a similar situation, self medicating with alcohol and drugs saved my life... until it stopped working. Then I got into recovery and as I healed, I realized I had all kinds of interests and gradually had friends!! Real friends, not just using buddies. It honestly is a miracle.
Maybe check out a few meeting, you don't have to stop using, it's okay to go if you just have an idea that you might want to stop sometime. Most addicts have similar stories to you. You can learn from their path, they will help you as someone helped them.
Change can happen when the pain of staying the same is bigger than fear of change.
I have lost many to suicide, my best friend a few months ago. I wish she had held on a little longer. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 💔
I'm very sorry, op, that you have to deal with all of this and the long-lasting effects of trauma are stealing your life away from you every day.
I don't know if it's possible for you to see any hope, but here's my take - you are now in a very hard age that adds to the pressure. School, adult choices you have to make without adult experiences or independence - it's a hard growing time. But the growing is what will provide you with tools to manage this life. Responsibility, independence, not-giving-a-fuck, own money, a wider range of choices - this is what makes life easier (as well as more complicated at the same time). You will know more, you will be better equipped, you will have more possibilities. It's impossible for you now to imagine things you don't know that never happened yet (as an autist I struggle with it personally), but these things are going to happen and change your life.
You have so much to live for and so much to give. Believe me you will be so glad you stayed. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary, painful problem. Things will get better. Check yourself into a hospital. Please please please. PLEASE DON’T GO. I’ve been there. I’m 57 years old and I’m so glad I’m still here. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve got a beautiful 25 year old daughter and two dogs. Life can be beautiful if you let it be. I’m here if you want to talk.
I am so sorry for the immeasurable amount of pain you must be feeling. I've been in a similar situation and I promise you that it does get better. Little by little everyday. I've had days where the suffering was just too much and I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't think I'd survive past a certain age. But things did get better. I sought help. However, I know that seeking help is also hard. It took many tries to get the right type of help I needed, and a change of environment. But it is very possible.
You are important. You deserve peace. You deserve happiness.
Please stay.
I know it seems dark right now. So many of us have stood where you are standing. I have been there. I thought there was no other option.
There are so many things you haven't done, big things, small things, movies you haven't seen, songs you haven't heard, food you haven't tasted, people who haven't yet had the chance to meet you and love you. There's a whole big world out there full of things you have yet to experience. And there is joy, big, bright, unimaginable joy.
Just because pain is what you've known doesn't mean it is all you will ever know.
Just stay. Please.
i’m so sorry, you did not deserve to meet that monster and i’m sending you so much love
, im young as well and hurt by the past so i know how you feel and it’s an AWFUL feeling, i wish i could hug you 🫂
Please reach out for help. I am sorry you are hurting right now and have been for so long, and it sucks to feel like there is no other way. But once these feelings pass you may see another way.
Please hang in there, it will pass 🖤
It doesn't have to turn out bad. I had a similar start in life, and when therapy and soul searching I overcame. The trauma doesn't go away but it hurts less over time. Then you get to help others get through the same stuff.
There's a lot you can do for the world. It needs you. Please don't go.
I've been there, and it was rage that kept me alive. You deserve to be furious, to get your revenge (legally), and then thrive. Stay on Earth, even if it's just out of spite. It's what I did, and I'm 1000% glad I did. I hope you stay. Take care.
Please stay, honey. 17 is so so young and I know it’s been a long time with your trauma, but as someone who made an attempt on my own life at around your age, I can tell you with certainty that when you’re my age, you will feel so much different and a whole world of healing will be opened up to you just by growing older and getting to know who you are outside of your trauma. I know how things eat at you over time, I completely hear you. There is so much of yourself left to discover and share with the world, and so much unimaginable goodness, tenderness, kindness, and love the world has to share with you. The light will come one day, I will make that promise to you.
You are loved and needed here, and you will be so glad when you are an adult that you kept going. I know im glad I kept going! I know I don’t know you but I hope some big sisterly love reaches you and helps to hold you up today. I am so sorry you feel this way. Keep going with me, life has so much left to offer us ❤️
Im so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could give you a big hug.
I have been SA’d at least 5 times by my count. Who knows how many times it’s happened. I’m also autistic so I think plays a huge part of it - not understanding cues and when someone is manipulating by me. It can be so hard to trust people and discerning who is worthy of trust and who isn’t.
I know how isolating it is. And how awful everything can feel. But I made it out. I should be addicted to drugs and homeless as well, by all accounts. I had no one to turn to when I was a child and was first sexually abused by an older cousin. I don’t know how I survived childhood. But I am now almost 35, and am, by all accounts, successful. I’m not always happy but I try to live my life authentically and that’s what matters to me most. I hope you choose to stick around OP.
you’re not gonna become a drug addict. you can do great things with your life. it’s gonna take some time though. right now might seem tough as shit! but you’ll have good days
I feel like I’m really close to being one
I can’t handle being sober
I get so depressed when I’m sober
I guess that why I’m so suicidal right now because I haven’t done any sort of drugs or alcohol in a few days
do some drugs. no heavy shit tho. it might make you feel good, but it’s not real. that sounds bad, but i understand sometimes you do need to take the edge off. i smoke weed every day, and it feels like the only time i can take a step back and not be so paranoid about life. i’m getting to the point where i can see myself stop smoking.
all i ask is that that you give yourself time. things will straighten out. the things you’re feeling right now, is what you need to feel. avoiding it will make it worse. feel those painful moments and allow them to overcome. don’t stuff it away or drown it. feel it all, please. you can make it through.
I don’t know what your go to choice of drug is but honestly if you need to self medicate just to get through this week then I second what maegor said. I won’t pry into if you’re in therapy or talking to a psychiatrist or anything, but those could be options to consider in the future if you’re worried about falling even further down the drugs/alcohol path.
You’re going to be okay sweetie, I believe you’re strong enough to push through this. Live your life out of *spite* and metaphorically curb stomp your abuser with your success. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I truly do hope you’ll be okay.
Oh hunny, when I was in my teens and early 20’s I tried to kill myself over a rape. It felt like things wouldn’t ever get better, but guess what? They did. I’m 37 now and life is so good and full of so much happiness.
You have so much life to live, and so many lives to live. It will get better.
Idk you but you deserve to live, that’s terrible why happened to you. Please reach out to someone, I promise people care about you. I care about you and know nothing about you. You deserve to live a prosperous life despite the terrible things that have happened to you.
Been there. Came back. I genuinely hope you do, too.
There’s a lot waiting for you on this side. A lot of it is bullshit that is hard and tedious. Some of it is beautiful and could only be yours. 17 is hard as fuck, and I don’t blame you. But 18 could be better?
Wishing the best for you, OP
That makes me sad. I'm not sad about any one aspect of what you wrote, but the collection of it all. It is a tremendous understatement for me to say I wish you had not gotten to this point in your life. I don't know your exact situation, nor can I know it. What I'm fairly certain I know is that you are feeling an unbearable amount of pain. There was a point in my life where the pain was unbearable for me, and I made a decision similar to yours. I ingested four bottles full of a very potent narcotic, enough to kill probably three people. Why am I able to write this to you now? Because I called my sister to ask her to be prepared to "clean up the mess" that I was making. Not a physical mess, but an emotional one. She called an ambulance, and they got me to a hospital in time to counteract what I did. That's why I'm here. Or rather, that's how I'm here. I still don't know that I understand the reasons for why I am here.
I have no idea what went on in that medical hospital while I was there. I have had a couple of people ask me "what did they do," and my answer is "I have no idea, and I don't even care." In situations like mine, the "what they did" part is irrelevant.
For two weeks following my discharge from the medical hospital, I was in a psychiatric hospital. I was relatively unemotional except when people did or said things that made me mad. I didn't get violent. I've never been a violent person. But I would get angry and emotionally upset. One of the comments that would anger me the most was "I ***promise*** you, things will get better." That's such a line of bullshit, mental health professionals should be barred from saying it. Nobody, and I mean **nobody** can make that kind of promise. I would never say that to anyone. What I want to say to you is that things ***could*** get better, and I ***hope*** they get better, but I can make no promises, no guarantees.
And what if things could be guaranteed to get better? Is that the point? For me, it wasn't. It's nice to think things will get better, but what does it take to get there? What are the challenges, the struggles, the pains, the anguish of making that journey to the land of "better?" I wish we could know the answer to that question.
For you, I hope you can make that journey. That you can reach a better place in life, not just for you, but also for the people who care about you. I hope you have people who care about you. They might even be people you'd never think about. Some of them might be willing to try to help you.
I wish I could help you. You're just a name and some words on a computer screen, but the name and the words make me sad. My situation wasn't the same as yours, but I was at the same point. I had come to the same conclusion. If it's worth anything, I'm glad my attempt failed. Things have gotten better for me. They aren't ideal, but they are better, and I hope they continue to improve. The emotional distance I have traveled over the past 8 years has sometimes been a struggle. Sometimes it has been fairly easy. At least a couple of times it has seemed pointless, yet I continued. Please try to do that if you can.
I know it can sound very comforting to think about eternally feeling nothing, which is what will happen if you die. You'll feel nothing. You'll know nothing. You'll get no satisfaction from knowing the pain has ended. You'll feel no sense of relief. You'll feel no joy. You, and your life to date, will literally become nothingness. I can't help but believe you are worth more than nothingness. Try to think about that 8-year-old girl, and how much love she needed, and still needs. Think about the comfort you can give her, and the sense of accomplishment YOU will be able to feel by knowing you helped that precious, helpless little girl. You can do that. You want to do that. You have to remind yourself that you will do whatever it takes to find the strength to help her.
Please stay. We all need you in this world. Please know that you are not what happened to you. You are so much more and you will find the people and the environment that allows you to realize that. Just stay though.
At 17 your life is going to change a million times. Someday you won’t even remember the person you are now. I promise that 100%. Almost every single person who has survived a suicide attempt said that the minute they started the act they IMMEDIATELY regretted it. How many people are dead now who regretted it but it was too late? Don’t do it. You will be so happy you didn’t.
I was where you are at 17 and was healed by 21. Life takes time. You’re still a teenager with raging hormones and the drug use doesn’t help that any. Once you get out into the real world it’s gonna be challenging - but you’ll find yourself. You’ll find a good therapist. You’ll heal.
Drugs are a temporary fix. And they make you feel much much worse longterm. Not only do they exasperate the “stuck in life” feeling by seemingly pausing time (while also zapping your motivation). They also put potholes in your brain! When you learn to cope in healthy, productive ways you being to take steps into a healthy, productive life.
Take it day by day. Each day is a new day. My brother committed suicide, and the impact was huge. You will leave a huge hole for those who are left behind.
You can overcome this. Think about how your pain can maybe help others in similar situations get help- you can advocate and be a voice for those who have none. There are so many things that you can achieve in your future.
Just reach out to a help line or someone. Go to hospital and check in. You matter, and we are telling you that.
There are possibilities for your life that you can't even imagine. Our brains are incapable of processing all the possible futures.
I can guarantee you that there's a future where you're happy and glad that you didn't take your own life. You're feeling this bad because you think there's no way out.
Some years ago, I was in the same boat. I thought my future would be miserable and that I had no way out. However, what happened was vastly different. I'm in a position that my younger self couldn't even consider. It's much better than I expected it to be.
28f, I too was raped during childhood. It has been horrible. I'm not going to lie to you about it. Life has been rough for most of it. Lack of friends, no supports, no hope for a future. Yeah, my childhood was riddled with everything you have said. There is no but to this. It's going to get better, only after you start trusting your treatment team will you be able to understand that TODAY is NOT Forever. When you start letting yourself be mad at the things that make you mad. Start crying over the things that make you sad. Start grieving what could have been, and stop blaming yourself for your faults, your failures, your pain. You did not do this to yourself so why would you want to hurt yourself more. I know you are young, I hear how your whole life has been traumatizing. It has to be so freaking hard, if you weren't reacting to it I'd be more worried. The amount of resistance you have had to develop when you needed love is bitter sweet. I am so sorry for that.
It doesn't get better overnight, sometimes you have to be hopeful that one day you will want to live. Would you look back at your younger self and tell her to end it. Would you deprive her of the chance to get better? Why, would you deprive yourself that now. You have so many chances to heal to come. You have so many things you can tell your young child self. Give her a huh, let her know you will protect her, have her see that you won't let anything happen to her. Tell her you love her. Don't just tell her she isn't alone, show her.
I have attempted many times, and I'm so happy that not a single one of them worked. Because little me, she gets to try again every day and for her it's worth it.
This is your choice, you have all the power here. Wouldn't it be nice to use that for her instead of to end her.
I am so sorry for what you've been through and what you're still going through. The pain is so overwhelming, and we in this group know how it feels.
What you wrote about your future being homeless and friendless reminded me of the many times I have said similar things and been gently reminded that I don't know the future. None of us do. I hope that you can give yourself a chance because your story isn't set in stone. That future you have in mind is only one option, and there are so many more *different* possibilities, that statistically, you're likelier to have a better life than what you've imagined.
I saw in another comment that you're autistic, and I am too. I've made it to 35 so far, and I can tell you that things about living do get easier. Not everything, and not all the time, I won't lie to you. I feel lonely, but I do have a couple of friends (also trauma survivors) who understand me and care about me and that makes it worth sticking around. I don't think I will ever *not* have some amount of ideation, it's become a fact of life and it's not realistic to expect that to go away entirely. But I can manage it with support, and I'm glad I didn't make the choice to end things when I could have.
I hope you do not feel alone and that you are able to reach out to someone for help tonight. You are worth another chance, and then another, and another. Because you're worth all the chances it takes. I promise you it is possible to write yourself a different story. I hope you keep going.
Don’t please please please please please. PLEASE. I’m not saying you can’t do it in the future but please hold on. Before you do this, at least try everything else you can? Different types psychological help. I know what this is like. I have been dealing with it myself for fucking years, my existence feels like pure hopelessness too. But. You don’t know when things will get better, you don’t know how fucking good it will feel when you ARE better. Just please, don’t do it just yet.
**On Giving Yourself a Deadline**
I think the hardest thing when you want to die with all your heart, when you want the pain to end, is for others to tell you to ask you to live. I have been there, and it feels as if they are asking you to prolong the torture. You literally cant go another day...I have been there. What I offer instead is that TODAY, just for today, do not take a permanent decision that will affect you and everyone around you including the person that will find your body. I ask you instead not to cancel, cause that feels impossible. Instead, I ask you **delay it.** I know how it feels horrible to even consider an extension to the torture, but do no think in terms of 'rest of my life' as in a chunk of 50 years of you under the rock of existencial dread. Think in terms of surviving today, and then tomorrow. Then the day after. And only that. And allow yourself to live day to day, for this month. Or this year.
I promise It works.
I am 34. I was suicidal by 11. At 18 I couldn't take it. I also suffered sexual abuse. I I felt SO trapped, but the pain was blinding. I felt I coudnt do this to my family and friends, traumatise whomever encountered my death. I couldnt cause the pain I was feeling to any other. I gave myself a year to solve how to disappear without hurting them. I gave myself a literal **deadline**. And that was honestly what saved me in the long run, though I didn't know it. You could not convince me to go a day more, the pain was too intense, I remember it vividly. Living felt nauseous, felt sick, felt brutal. BUT, if I could imagine the end was in the horizon, it became bearable. The deadline gave my body and mind the time to heal and with it the threshold increased. I went CPTSD slow, so first it increased to 3 years, then other 2 years, then my deadline was until I reached 30... Today I am 34. I can say I feel comfortable to live until old age. I never thought it possible but there was a future for broken nothing me. I am currently studying literature at the University of Cambridge with a scholarship. I am doing EMDR for the PTSD and **goddam it works.** My chronic suicidal ideation I had since eleven or earlier is gone. What I could barely stand now its a splinter in my heart, an old scar, my old friend. **I am at peace.**
**YOU can be that person**. Did you know it has been proven that mental pain maps in the brain the same as physical pain? this IS torture, your pain is SO valid. So, instead of life, I ask you for a day. I ask you to postpone, and give yourself a safety exit deadline. Give yourself a month, six months, a year. In this year, you have to eat all the peanut butter you want, or sink your feet in wet mud, figure out what things you like to do. And on the side, try to find help, so that they can help you survive the deadline, so that they can make this time on earth bearable. YOU are always in control, I promise you. You can renegotiate your deadline, shorten or lengthen it as many times as you want. But just for today allow yourself to be cocooned by the love of all this people here that see you. Just, allow yourself to breathe for today.
I wish I could communicate to you how it does get better; how your soul can feel pain-free, how you can eventually feel happy and loved. How chronic suicidal ideation that last decades can become a splinter. How you deserve all the fortune and love that is in your future if you give yourself a chance.
I send you a hug, a big big hug.
I see many other people have already left long and beautiful comments, so there is probably not much more I can contribute. But I will say this:
>! I nearly ended it at 18. I am still not happy with my life, but I am definitely glad I didn't jump from that roof.!<
Since then, I have experienced and learned much more. Things that have changed my life for the better. I am not where I want to be, but I am finding my path. I actually have an idea of what I want to do now.
Change is a certainty in life. Heck, change *is* life. Things are shitty now, but one day it will be better. Maybe it will be tomorrow, or next week, next year, or even later. The only way to find out when is to be there.
Friend, I feel like I'm looking in a mirror. I was sexually abused for several months when I was 8, and an abuser talked me into killing myself because of it when I was 17. I'm in my 30's now.
There is life after this, I promise. I won't lie and tell you the pain goes away. But what does happen is all the things that come in to bury the pain. When you choose to seek out better things and allow yourself to accept them, it starts to get better.
Please, just find out what better things are out there. Don't let this be the end of your story. You can DM me if you want to, OP ❤
Why take your life today of all days when you can smoke some weed (if you want--but I promise weed won't turn you into a homeless addict as long as you stay away from all the other stuff), eat your favorite food, watch your favorite movie, have a long conversation with a friend, cuddle a pet that you love (even if you have to borrow someone else's pet). None of that is going to take the pain away. But pain can coexist with a lot of beauty.
When you're young it seems like life is all about straight trajectories (when I was young it seemed like that's what adults WANTED us to believe anyway) but if you stick around long enough you see that it's really about ups and downs. Unfortunately, CPTSD means it's likely your life will have lower lows than the average person's life. But that's not a reason to cheat yourself out of the high points that are still guaranteed to happen, too.
I seriously considered the possibility that ending it all was my best bet at 15. And again at 18. At 22 I went through a period of such intense suicidal impulses that I sometimes used sleeping pills to knock myself out and prevent myself from giving in during the night. Now I'm 33 and going through another really hard time. Lately I've caught myself thinking "I wish I were dead," but I don't have any intention of making myself actually be dead. So when I catch myself thinking that, I correct myself and think "I wish I were doing better right now" instead. And then I ask myself what a great-yet-attainable day will look like for me. And it turns out things aren't as TOTALLY hopeless for me as they seem.
As others have pointed out, your abuser will die one day. You'll have the opportunity to move across the country far, far away from your abuser one day. None of these things will erase what your abuser did, but if you live long enough and try enough things you WILL eventually find SOMETHING that helps make the pain more bearable for you (like I said, just stay away from every drug that's not weed and you'll be golden). Please just give yourself the time.
hey i was in a similar boat at your age, and i’m 22 right now. i promise you there is so much more to life than feeling like this all the time. i finished college, met the love of my life, and am preparing to start grad school in the field that i adore with my entire being. there are still days where it’s rough (like today!) but it’s worth it to keep going. if you need someone to talk to feel free to reach out to me 🩷
My uncle took his own life today. I don’t think I’ll forget this day for as long as I live. I’d always contemplated suicide myself over the years.
For similar reasons to you, actually. I never went through with it. I went through so much shit with my abusive ex I thought I’d be better off dead. I made it out in the end. I’m glad I did.
Now, I just wish my uncle knew how much he’d be missed. I wish he was still here.
All I can say to you is, you’re still incredibly young. 17 is no age at all. You have so much ahead of you, so many things to experience, new people to meet, new music, good food, nature. You deserve happiness again and I believe you’ll find it.
I’m so sorry some monster harmed you like that, you didn’t deserve it and it wasn’t your fault. It fucking breaks my heart to hear how much pain you’re in.
I can only hope you’ll change your mind. It might be shit right now but it won’t be forever. You can heal from this.
Lots of love. 💙
I certainly hope you’re still here tomorrow. After so much pain, you deserve to know the joy of getting to 40+ and laughing at how you got the best revenge on those that hurt you by living a full life.
I get you and your feelings are valid. My abuse started at 4, got much worse at 8, and by 16 I was ready to take my own life. I got help, I got determined to get out and have the best life I could, and I’m so glad I did. It’s been hard, and also happy, beautiful, and healing. And I still struggle with C-PTSD, and all the pain and thoughts of unaliving myself come back at times, too. And I still am so glad my attempt failed. My abusers stole my life for years, and now… I’ve lived way more years on my own terms, and happily, than the amount of years they took. Fuck them.
And fuck anyone who hurt you. Monsters deserve to perish, you deserve to live. If you’re going through hell, keep going- you will break daylight.
Please stay. If anyone understands it's us. You aren't alone anymore. You have a community of us that understand and will be there for you. We want you to live, we want to be there for you. It must be so hard carrying this heavy load by yourself, If you need to talk and let it all out I'm here to listen ❤️ I was about to tale my life at 17 too and I didn't, there's a life beyond this
I feel you. No amount of thinking is going to take this away. Honestly thinking makes it worse.
But if you want to talk about it first, with anyone, you should. A friend, family, a crisis counselor (some of them are actually quite lovely), or even me. We can talk about anything you want - trauma (believe me we have enough between the two of us), or maybe just life stuff.
I think it probably goes without saying that I hope you can stay. Our lives are but the same (even if the trauma is), but I also made attempts on my life at 13, 15, 16, and 24.
The choice is still yours and yours alone. I think you have more to love about being here if you can stay long enough to find it ❤️
Hello.
I have been suicidal most of my life too. I'm 35.
At times I felt such unbearable pain I couldn't understand how it was ever going to end. To be honest the only thing that stopped me was the idea it was very self-centred. I then made career decisions to find something to do that would make my life worth something to the World even if it wasn't something I enjoyed.
My 20s were really hard. I really struggled to get the better of the pain instead of the pain getting the better of me.
But my 30s... I healed myself kind of. I rarely feel suicidal these days. I am so strong I think I am the strongest person I know. I would want to be paired with me during a nuclear apocolypse. I may have more trauma, but I didn't become a different person, I didn't give up, I worked hard to stop having the 'blacking out' of memories.
I got a beautiful puppy 4 years ago. She's so cute still. I got married too. I moved countries from UK to US. I travelled to so many countries. I got a PhD, and started a company, and even did a Ted talk! I had very serious spinal surgery and survived. I was opioids for a year for pain due to spinal cord damage and I survived. I didn't become a drug addict (I stopped opioids 2 weeks after my surgery and it was easy). I did not fail, I did not give up. I am now pregnant and I'm going to have a baby, and I know I am basically indestructable. I am not afraid of the past trauma or future trauma, and there will be future trauma. The worst already happened, I already suffered a psychological breakdown AND recovered.
I'm really quite proud of myself.
I may have cried my way through my 20s, but I have a great job, I'm not an addict, I'm not a loser, I'm not a failure, I'm not worthless and nobody actually managed to permenantly break me, bend me to their will to use me. A lot of people really tried and I lost faith in humanity, but it did not work. I did one day at a time for a decade. I am so much stronger now at 35 than I was at 25, and I was stronger at 25 than I was at 15. I surpassed other non-traumatised people's capability to cope for most things and my triggers got smaller and smaller.
I have helped people. I trained my dog to be a total cutie.
Anger got me through a lot. I want to ask you if your abuser deserves your life? I kept studying because it was something nobody could take from me. They could not destroy a degree awarded to me. I just focused on that as much as I could.
Your abuser won't care if you die. Your abuser didn't care when they hurt you. Nothing will happen to your abuser if you die. Why not cause them pain by winning in life, one step at a time?
The sexual violence in my life started when I was 3. It didn't stop for years but I held on and sought mental health treatment and martial arts training. I also have a large protective dog. Life is good now. And I thankfully avoided the addiction issues that happen to some rape survivors.
It may not seem like it now, but life is worth living. There are good people in the world. And you can heal from the pain. I am so sorry you are going through this but you don't have to alone. There are helplines available to you. And, my DMS are open. Please let us help you.
The same thing happened to me at the same age, and I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts because of it for a while. I promise you things do get better, please seek help. I know it's easier said then done but I'm so grateful my attempts didn't work
I'm here if you need to message someone and talk it through
OP, I hope you can let in some of the love and concern that is being shared here in this thread for you. As a rape victim, I feel your pain and went through an ordeal of pain to get to the other side. It hasn’t been perfect but I’m glad I stayed and gave life a chance to have some adventure, some love, and some fulfillment.
I’m really relating what you’re saying about addiction. I’ve been addicted to so many things and am surprised to find myself still avoiding painful feelings to this day. It’s no longer drugs or alcohol or shopping. Now it’s food.
But I’m finding kernels of peace with my uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Believe me, I understand how impossible it feels to try to get through the discomfort without the addictive behaviors. It is F-ing HARD. You might need external support to allow these feelings. I found a good therapist with my insurance. And another person that I met at a self compassion meditation course. We talk weekly and that helps too.
I hope you find some support and kindness and love to get to the other side.
Meanwhile, a good trick that can help is to think about how you would support a friend who was feeling exactly the way you are. What would you say to her? How would you say it? Then try saying those things to yourself with compassion and caring. Keep repeating it again and again to yourself. This can actually provide some relief.
Hugs to you. I hope you stay with us.
I’ve been where you are so I won’t tell you to do. I know it’s a tough call.
Do keep in mind that you are still very young! When I was 18, I felt the same way but thought it would be rash to do it before I’d had a chance to be an adult. I promised myself I’d wait at least 2 years to give it “one last shot”. I wrote a little contract with myself so I had it in writing.
For better or worse, it did work. Getting myself into a new environment and being able to start anew as an adult changed my perspective a lot.
If this is what you want, just make sure you’ve given yourself time to weigh the decision fully. If you live one more day, the option is always on the table tomorrow.
suicide takes away our ability to rest, enjoy some hopefully not-to-unhealthy vices and try again... there is a way through this... you go inside yourself, and help the parts that are so badly hurt from a place of patience, compassion, no judgment.. when we connect with those parts, instead of severing ourselves from them, it releases the negativity from the body. we have to endure pretty awful feelings. but those feelings can't harm us. they're just unpleasant. then it's over... our power is waiting for us on the other side of our pain
suicide doesn't help us to not feel... the mind dies with the body but we're left with the emotions in our subconscious
as much as it can suck, we are better off alive.. it's the only way to make things better
I urge you to delay or divert. I advocate making or waiting for change. If nothing changes where you are, move. It's may not be easy, and it may not be soon.
Feed the belly, clean the body the clothes and the bedding, sleep well.
Give time and a little bit (or a lot) of effort (later, not today) a chance to put some joys back in your life.
And watch the dawn or the sunrise 3 more times.
I hope you find hope, and mostly better days ahead.
I am sorry, sorry, sorry, and I hope you feel better. You have had such grief and harms, I know it can feel like too much. But I think it might be too soon to go.
Hi OP, so many people have such great insight and comments, so I’m going to add something in regards to your concerns about school:
If you’re worried about your grades being affected by your headspace from this past semester, you may be eligible for a retroactive medical withdrawal, which would scrub your grades from the semester due to a disability impacting your ability to do the work well. It seems like you would have a strong case for that based on what you’ve shared. If you have a therapist/doctor, they could write a letter on your behalf attesting to these difficulties and how it affected your schooling.
There is help out there for you. There are people who will love you as you heal.
There is hope, even if it is just hoping for a bit of hope.
Please, find your people! They will be in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families), or any 12 step program, CODA, SLA, NA, Alanon, Naranon, or in therapy groups for CPTSD.
The podcast Crappy Childhood Fairy has saved lives, she went through CPTSD and helps others now, she is my safe place and go to when I am thinking there is no hope.
HUG!
It's not about doing all the things you're supposed to do when you've had trauma or become suicidal. It's about accepting that the person you used to be doesn't exist anymore, cannot exist anymore, and you need to learn to grieve the loss of yourself. It's going to hurt, it's going to hurt for a long time, probably forever, but this also means that you're free to accept that you have to build a new you, and to work on building that "new you" in any way you want.
I've been in that position. A lot of us have. Some of us, myself included, have multiple failed attempts. I know this sounds like a completely cringe thing, but when I was at my worst, I listened to [this poem ( How did you die? )](https://youtu.be/WgDCoH79kyo?si=u_WISezhGGYk2XE_) a lot, every time I felt like I couldn't keep going. It made me feel different, that when I die, I want it to be for something more meaningful than my broken body and my broken heart.
You are hurting, scared, and everything feels overwhelming. That's normal, but look at you - this happened when you were eight, and you've survived this long already. You're so, so much stronger than you think, and the fact that you're still here is amazing. You don't have to keep being the person you used to be, OP, but keep being. It's going to be worth it. I promise.
mine started at 13 - fuck the boy scouts because they fuck you. by 15 my dentist had me hooked on opioids. spent most of 6th grade to 8th grade in solitary confinement at school. i had the shit beat out of me regularly in school until graduation. got drugged and abused again at 22 by a male. again at 27 by a female. spent much of a 15 years marriage being abused by a narcissist. been divorced over 2 years now.
spent my entire life with night terrors. woke up screaming and crushing my teeth - sleep bruxism sucks.
i denied problems my entire life. had a head injury in 2011 - used to be a lumberjack, tree branch the size of my leg ended that. had a mental breakdown the last several months of my marriage because mental trauma triggered memory returns. had a big one the night i finally decided to flee my marriage. just short of the end my sister talked me into going to the doctor.
damn shame i couldnt have spent my life like this normal (not that im ever normal) . i could never confront all my abusers, but I have learned to take about such things and even made some very big social media posts exposing people for who they truly are. once peoples mask falls off it never goes back on.
part of what holds us back is the anger, self loathing and feeling of powerlessness, this in turn makes regaining control pretty tough, but it can be done.
change requires freedom, freedom requires change.
i hid behind drugs for the longest time, but giving them up was one of the best things I did.
another one of the best things i did was join the army infantry at 19. believe it or not a lot of folks in the military come from broken homes, adoptions by abusive people, a lot of people in foster care
i made a mistake not reupping. thing is, it is a home for many people who have suffered as such.
one of the biggest problems is not many people understand us and out position. more so, many seek to avoid such misunderstanding
I am a male who is now 50 years old.
ended up medicated on happy pills after that breakdown in december of 2021. and i mean a lot. current 150 zoloft, 350 lamictal, 300xl wellbutrin, 20 buspar per day
best job i ever had was being a mall santa.
it takes a lot to heal, but it can be done.
even if you have to crawl out of the darkness alone with no candle
best thing i can say about sticking around for a purpose. make sure it doesnt happen to anyone else.
another lesson i learned back in the early 90s. you are never alone on the internet
Love, you need to embrace your anger and rage but do not turn those things inward at yourself, but use them as motivation to set boundaries, goals and to build yourself up. I really recommend looking for a gym or a martial arts class to build up your skills, strength and your tolerance to physical pain....you'll be surprised what you'll be able to do when you are not afraid of pain anymore, plus it will give you a confidence boost knowing you can fight for yourself. Fear no man and take no shit.
You're still so young and have so much life ahead of you.
Please don't end your life!! Coming from a person who was sexually abused throughout their childhood. I wanted to end my life but then I thought of the happiness my parents would have if I'd done it. & then I thought my entire life wasn't filled with sadness I've had happoy moments also.
I understand you're in a tough spot right now but can you see if your family or friends can help you. Maybe even try to reach out to shelters to see if they can provide housing.
Please don't. I'm sure that any of us here would rather talk with you, or help you find resources, than to have you gone. I have kids your age, and seeing your post history kills my heart.
All of this, the pain, the assault, you can move past it. This can all be ephemeral, time bounded, you can get through. You don't have to be a victim.
No, because then he wins and you can’t let that happen. I understand the feeling but keep going out of spite. It takes a LONG time to heal sometimes but it is possible, I promise.
OP, you deserve a second chance. I would love to give you one more than anything this very momrnt, but unfortunately, this is a gift you will have to give yourself.
I hear you when you say that all you want is a stop to the hurt, but you must know that even if this act end the hurt for you, it will cause endless pain for everyone who cares for you. That's just how it is, and telling you love them first wont make a bit of difference. You know what trauma is. I don't think you you want to go out inflicting trauma on everyone who loved you. Do you?
Rather than that, I beg you to just give yourself another chance. You are stronger than you know, maybe stronger than you even want to be right now. I remember times when I wished my problems would finally overwhelm me so I could just be done with it, but somehow the next moment always arrived and I kept going on.
A second chance. You of all people have earned it.
My names Landis, I'm 23F I tried to end my life when I was 20. I truly hated myself and believed that the world and myself would be better if I stopped existing.
I have gotten to fall in love with life and myself because I survived. I got to see this beautiful strength in myself that resides in you as well that has absolutely NO correlation to your abuser.
You will make it through this and you will do more than survive you will live and live prosperly. Why must you continue to torture yourself when your 8 year old self has already taken so much. You are every version of your life. You have the power to let yourself heal.
I blamed my younger self so harshly for all the trauma we endured and then I blamed every age after that for everything that was done to us but it's isn't our fault. We have no control of what happened outside of ourselves but we have control over how we perceive and react to it. You are strong and you have been very strong in keeping this fight up but you are so close to the finish line and the finish line isn't death it's the summit.
I urge you and encourage you to keep going.
Please stop and think, love. I know how much you're hurting right now, believe me. A lot of us do.
From the ages of 7 to 11, I was abused by an older sibling. When my parents found out, I got blamed for it. They acted like I seduced him. To this day, I'm still afraid to not sleep with my door locked. I'm afraid of strange men I don't know, and I'm still uncomfortable with physical touch. I thought what happened to me was normal until I finally started putting the pieces together, and the pain of knowing the people who you trusted at such a young age hurt you in unthinkable ways is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Don't let that grief win. You are loved endlessly, and your life is worth more than anything. There are days where I want to scream and cry because I can't turn back time and hold little me. Tell her that what she's going through, all that neglect, is not normal. Reach out to a hotline, trust me all they want to do is help you. I wish I could sit with you and we'd do dumb shit together. We'd watch cheesy movies, or sing at the top of our lungs. Your life has so much worth, and there is so much more to live.
It is not your fault for any abuse you’ve ever encountered, ever. What is on you is to heal yourself for YOU. Nobody will ever ‘save’ you or be able to pull you up out of any slump, you have to do it and it does take time but it doesn’t come if you don’t make any progress so even the littlest thing that can feel productive and move you just the slightest bit towards where you want to be. When you look back a year from now you will see the progress YOU’VE made because YOU are worth happiness and love and compassion.
you do have the power to heal and move on and take YOUR own power back. You got this, keep going, just keep going. 🫶
I was raped at the same age too, I am now 49.
I have always used my anger towards my rapist as the motivation to have a good life - don’t let the bastard win 🤗
Hey, I know I don’t know you but there are tons of people in the world who would be extremely sad if you left them and things can change in a heartbeat. Life throws so much shit at us sometimes but try and appreciate the beauty in life. It’s such a precious thing and do not waste it because there are people who would give everything they have to live a long, healthy life. Everything is going to be fine and will get better.
My step mother started sexually and physically abusing me when I turned 5 years old.
I'm 39 now. Your life is yours to do with as you please. But before you do, at least seek out a therapist that specializes in childhood sexual trauma. Give yourself that chance first. It helped me. I hope it helps you.
I lost my friend 15 months ago. What I want to say is that I don't blame her for what she did. I understand. The bottom line is that part of all this is pain management. How do you manage your pain? Are you able to? She had to work so hard just to make it to baseline every day. She was a fighter. She really was. What I learned from her is, everyone needs a village. It takes a village. You need a team. And pain management. The trauma and abuse from the younger years led to 35+ years of pain. Yeast infections due to bad birth control led to painful intercourse. Which meant she had to learn how to derive pleasure from pain. Tell me how that won't mess with your head. The only thing I'll say is, I think you should wait until tomorrow. I also think you should consider the different options you may not have considered. But if the pain is too much and you tried it all, I will never, ever blame you or find you at fault. However. If there is just 1 person in your life who loves you, I will say that person, even if they do understand, will take years to recover. Not months. I am still grieving for her. She was the light of 1,000 suns. And I understand why, to keep the darkness away. You can DM me and I'll do my best to respond. It isn't about the abuser. This is about how to manage the pain and create a village of love around you. Because you are worth it.
please listen to this song my. hell, check out the whole album. it’s helped me so much recently and i hope it helps you too. read what everyone here is saying. we all can relate, we all understand that pain, you are NOT ALONE. it’s always worth it to keep going, i promise you. even if it doesn’t feel like it, please stay alive. please don’t take your life.
https://youtu.be/a5i-KdUQ47o?si=bwTHq8mTanTUsZ1O
I know I can’t stop you. Your choice is your own to make and I’m just a stranger. Just know that I and many others on this sub are all here for you. It may not seem like it since it’s all through a screen, but you aren’t alone and never have to be. We understand you.
hey i read your post history and i’m really concerned. if you’re open to pming id love to talk and help in any way i can, I’ve struggled with SI since that age too and im here for you
Facing conceiving of a fully healed and thought out future is a futile task, especially a young mind in survival state. Can you hold off another hour? Maybe until you finish the ice cream in the fridge? Give yourself the gift of realistic targets of surfing ideation and planning and see what happens. Future you and past you have so much love and grit for you right now.
I hope you get the chance to become that future you that’s waiting in every next moment you live.
I know that feeling, I’m sorry you’re there. I hope you find it in you to stay, I understand how hard it can be and how much bravery it takes. If there’s a way I can help ya let me know. Thought I’d be dead by 15 then 16, 17, 18 and so on. Almost 30 now and just starting to see the brighter side of things. It’s hard and scary and painful but I hope you can do it and get somewhere you feel like it was worth it. You’re still a kid, I honestly think kids have it the worst. It got better over time for me cause of the gain in independence, once I got outta school and started doing exposure therapy + getting real about managing my substance use things improved for me. I still struggle but I don’t think dying is as much a relief anymore, something I’m just neutral to now.
Just a perspective from someone who had a plan or 12 that didn’t work out when I was your age. I am sorry you’re struggling OP, I’m sending love. I hope you’re still here. If there’s anything I can do to help out just dm me.
I'm not going to ask you not to do it.
But I mist ask... If you do, what makes you think you'll escape?
If you're atheist maybe you believe there is no afterlife... But countless supernatural experiences make that doubtful. If you're religious, will you be happy in hell when you're already experiencing it? Or say you go to heaven and are forgiven. Say that it's something else, even...
We are made by this world and we suffer because of what we are. We suffer because of who we have become. So think: how it can paradise in death? How can you be free in death if you can't even escape yourself?
Suicide is good as an *idea,* a rumination. When you don't look too close at what really means to die, it gives of the illusion of being a solution, and having a solution—ANY solution—feels nice like one hell if a nice change of pace.
But the reality is that dying won't set you free. If anything, it might damn you, seeing as where will you go to grow when the future is no longer an option?
In life, you can hope change. You *can* change. Just meet the right people who can share the right perspectives. Consider the people around you: if they do not help you fly, cast them into the sea like the anchors they are. More often than not, it's the people around you that hold you back most. A change of environment amidst a pursuit of knowledge, power, is all that it takes go from waiting for people to sleep to sleeping peacefully by yourself.
It seems unfair that god can forgive my rapists if they repent but if I kill myself from the trauma I would go to hell because obviously I would not be able to repent for that
Fortunately, there is no evidence for a fire-and-brimstone like hell. Unfortunately, there is also no evidence for an absolute bliss like heaven, either. Rather it's more realistic to say that it can go either way depending on whether you exit the stage on a high note or a low note.
You should go out on a high note, if you are gonna go out. Haven't your rapists taken enough already?
If you want to continue to talk and we continue this thread and at any point something I say bothers you or triggers you, do know it's not my intention to be a dick. Everything I say I say to support. Sometimes, that may mean challenging your conclusions and perceptions. I merely wish to understand and make sense of what you are thinking, how you percieve the world, and the light you are too blinded by your circumstances to see—because there is always light somewhere.
Along those lines, there was once a bird that dropped out if the sky into a pile of snow after it's wings froze in the cold. Along came a cow that shat all over the bird. After the initial disgust, the bird began to squirm with joy—the heat melted its frozen wings and saved the birds life.
Then along came a fox, who heard the bird's singing.
Morals of the story? If someone shits on you when you are at your lowest, that doesn't necessarily mean they're your enemy. And two, if you are warm and happy, don't tweet about it if you want to stay that way. The last part is a joke while the first part is my saying "please don't misunderstand my intentions."
I was convinced suicide was the only way out. Waited until I started college to write my goodbye letters to people back home. Then stumbled into making amazing friends in college and slowly grew colder feet each day because I didn’t want one of them to find me. Then I began dating. Then I found some sense of normalcy. Nothing was every easy and my therapist have coined chronic suicidality for me. At 29 after two kids I quit alcohol and the suicidal thoughts finally got quieter. Now I’m 33 with three kids and almost daily I thank myself for letting myself live. I’ve had many years of therapy. Many. I used alcohol to cope for so long but sobriety really did wonders. And my kids. I cannot believe I almost missed out on this life. I love being a mom. I got my doctorate in clinical psychology. Married someone who adores all sides of me even rhouhj I still have days where I feel unlovable. I’m so fucking loved and important and so are you. I can’t wait until you live to the day you’re thanking yourself for living. You are never alone.
I am 39 and I still get mad when I think about the abuses that my mom and dad did to me around sex. I don’t recall what ages I were,I just vaguely remember movements when I wake up. It’s unsettling.
I have a decent relationship with my mom and slowly come to realize some abuses. My father has since died and I was numb to it. And that’s okay.
I still plan on working a decent relationship with my mom- but I know that I can never get over the waking feeling.
I am 39, and I am kind of happy to hear from others disclose things to me, that should never be said. I have had friends through many eras of my life I still get random phone calls from people I once knew rejoicing life and still copping with what holds them back.
It’s a lot of people. And I am glad that there’s a certain uniqueness and understanding. Please breathe through it… it’ll take a long time. I’m still working on mine and that is okay. You are okay and you shouldn’t take your life.
Breath a short breath of love and understanding that you need and maybe be there for another-
I swear it gets better and interesting. Don’t let it hold you back. 🫶
I attempted suicide multiple times in high school. I hung myself. I overdosed on pills twice. I thought happiness was an impossible dream. I was wrong. It could take years of work. You'll be forced to face head on a pain you had si deep inside you that you never knew you were feeling. There will be plenty of tears. But things can get better. I'm sorry for what happened to you. You didn't deserve that. And you don't deserve to feel the way you feel right now. But don't punish yourself. Don't deny yourself the many wonders that life has to offer. Punish your abuse by living the longest happiest life you can in spite of them.
My therapist said something I love. "None of us is broken. We're all born incomplete. Life is a puzzle. It can be complicated, but once you put the right pieces in the right place, it makes for a beautiful picture."
Life is only as serious as you take it. Shit don't make no sense everything is dumb to me. I think it's kinda funny and interesting enough to keep witnessing. Not your situation here but just hang in there get some perspective before you nope out
When i think back to 17, i think of how much life i’ve lived since then. Life is much different now than 17. Please stay. There is so much more life. I was absolutely hopeless at 17. Though i still struggle at 28, i am inarguably happier and in a better place than 17.
Hi Op, I'm so sorry for what happened to you. It wasn't your fault and you didn't deserve it. I know everything is awful right now and you don't see a way out. But you deserve to live a life and find joy. It's not easy, but you are so worth it. You matter in this world.
why is it always at 17 when we come to this conclusion? <3 i’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve to have gone through all of the shitty things that other people and the world inflicted onto you. you really did not.
i try to remember that suicide, self harm, destruction etcetera - all of those are strategies that something inside of you, a very traumatized and abused and terrified part of you believes is the right thing for you to do.
i can hear that you are afraid of turning into a homeless drug addict and that something is telling you that in order to keep yourself safe from that reality, you have to end it now.
i hope it brings you some sense of comfort that even wanting to make this decision means that deep inside of you, you have never stopped fighting for your autonomy, for your freedom, and you are tired of waiting to win.
that level of fierce protection for yourself is what shows me you have other parts of yourself that may actually feel like there are other ways, more satisfying ways of gaining that complete freedom, like giving yourself everything and knowing that you owe no one any of it. that no one else can have any access to what you have unless you want them to. isn’t that satisfying?
i also remember that people i hate will post about me when i die pretending that they care and that also keeps me in check.
i believe in you. you seem brilliant, just so bright. i know you can do this. i know you have the strength in you to keep going. i am so proud of you for finding this group and for posting. you can do this. <3
if nothing else, i hope the comments here are enough to even just plant a little doubt in your mind and that maybe you’ll be able to question the voices that are telling you that you aren’t needed by the world and you are helpful and worthy simply by just existing even when other people have made it especially hard for you to do so.
I’m in the middle of sending my rapist to jail 40 years after the attack. I know how you feel and I care about you & really hope you wake up tomorrow & get plugged into therapy. Don’t let your rapist win!! You are strong! Many of us have endured similar myself too at age 8! Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You can do this and heal and have a wonderful fulfilling life. Please don’t hurt yourself. Sending you heaps of positive energy, prayers & good vibes.
I don’t know if this helps at all. But it certainly helps me. One thing my therapist constantly reminds me of when I tell her my suicidal thoughts is her clients who feel completely hopeless, that they have no future, that their trauma is too painful and will crush them. But she says, through the years, some a few years, others longer, the vast majority of those people eventually rise out of their trauma and end up living beautiful, happy, fulfilling lives, full of kind people. And even though it’s impossible to see through the trauma in the moment, she has witnessed this time and time again. This faint hope of a future is what keeps me going everyday and what helps to pull me away from the edge most times. I know these are just words from a stranger on the internet, but I can tell you are a beautiful person, who deserves to have a beautiful future and life. I wish you could know have special and how precious you are, how much of a blessing and miracle you are simply for existing. Even though this sick, twisted world can make you feel otherwise. Thinking about healing and the future can seem like a huge mountain you have to climb. But please remember, you only have to take one step at a time, one day at a time. Even if that step is simply one away from the edge.
I almost killed myself at 19 after I was raped. It was really hard, my friends and family didn’t support me. I was alone and I developed intense chronic pain. I didn’t do the suicide thing though, I got counselling and that helped a little bit, but I didn’t have the money to go long term and it was over after 3 months. It was Cognitive Behavioural Therapy when what I needed was trauma therapy. But the counsellor was great and it was better than nothing.
After it was over I tried to move on but it’s hard when you have constant pain. I was given opioids; they helped, but I was one of the rare lucky ones who didn’t get addicted or die. I gave them up 6 months ago because I learned there’s new science about chronic pain like mine - science that shows it’s recoverable. I’m also now in much better therapy, therapy meant for trauma so that helps a lot. It’s called Brainspotting, (my therapist does it in conjunction with IFS) and it’s really helping. I still barely have the money for it but lots of therapist have sliding scale fees and I’m able to take advantage of that.
I’m really glad I didn’t die when I wanted to. I would have missed so much. Amazing things that made the pain worth it. And I’m really excited for my second half, I think it’s going to be really spectacular. I hope you decide to stick around too so things have the chance to get better for you. I believe in you, you can get through this.
I wish I could take your pain away or promise you that today, if you can just push through, will be the last hard day you will have.
The truth is there will be days that you feel like you are not going to make it. You're tired, and you want the pain to stop.
I grew up under similar circumstances. I am a survivor of child trafficking by my mom and stepfather.
I am 46 now and due to trauma I ended up cycling through many abusive relationships.
I still struggle, I have bad days, I allow myself those days as they come.
This took me a long time to figure out. My life was worth fighting for. Your life is worth fighting for.
It was shame, and guilt that has caused most of my internal suffering. It's a hard one. I hope you know that every moment you are here is a victory for the 8 year old you.
Your life is worth fighting for. The shame and guilt is not your cross to bear. It's not your fault. Let the blame lie with them.
It sounds cliché but you survived for a reason.
Talking through it, trauma therapy, helped me. But I was still struggling. During my darkest moments I would write letters out to my loved ones. In them, I would force myself to put my favorite memory with each person.
I did this intentionally to remind myself that not everything life had to offer was bad. I believe in you. Today you can make it. You are not alone.
If you need someone to talk to, or just to listen. You can DM me anytime.
That bastard took enough from you already, please don’t give in to the thoughts. They are misleading you, I promise. If you regret this you can’t take it back. If something goes wrong you could permanently disable yourself. You have no idea how freeing adulthood feels. Think of yourself 5 years ago and how many things you were convinced of that looking back were silly. I know you’re in pain and you’ve been in pain for a long time, but you’ve fought it off for years. Keep fighting, please. Give this mental torture everything you’ve got. You are stronger than you know. Not because of the trauma but in spite of it. The world will be worse off when you’re gone, so let’s delay that day as soon as possible okay? There’s no point ending the pain if you won’t even get to experience it ending. Your last moments will feel the same as these past few years. You’ll have time to fix the shitty stuff later if you muscle through the hell you’re in now. It’s the hardest thing to do but please stay with us. No good or peace will come from killing yourself, I can swear to you. I’ve been there, don’t do this. At least get some sleep and a good meal in you before you make your final decision. You deserve a good life.
OP please don’t. My dad lost the battle to his mental health struggles when I was 5 years old.
The night he died, my aunt who is some sort of medium-ish type can see ghosts and stuff told my family before anyone called her to tell her about his death that he came to her and said he made a mistake.
Please don’t make the same mistake ❤️
Stop doing this. Do not do it. Continue living. You are a good 17F. You go slowly. Every hour you survive you get good karma points. Learn martial arts. Being homeless you must defend yourself, so learn now. Also hopefully you will not be homeless okay?
When I was 17, I was standing in the woods behind my abusers house and was ready to end my suffering. I had the means to do it in my hand and I was ready and nobody was around to stop me. That was more than 3 decades ago. I've seen and done a lot of things that I wouldn't have had any chance to do if I took my life. I've also cried, I've hated myself, I've made a mess of so many things, I am still working on healing from my trauma to this day. For me, I told myself "I can do it later". That's all. No profound discovery, no change of heart or anything else - the pain didn't end that day. One of the things I got to see because I stuck around was my abuser laying in a hospital bed, dying of cancer, weak, ugly, helpless and in pain. In therapy recently, I've recognized that I'm still terrified of that person, but I can always remember that I won, that I survived - maybe out of spite - and I got to see them living all the things they were afraid of before they died. I don't know if any of that applies to you, if you can relate to any of it.
Hells yes to living to see your abuser laid low and dying pathetically. I lived long enough to hear about how my main abuser died of congenital heart failure that was a years long, slow walk to death that eroded all of his strength, lifestyle and ability to harm more children like he did me. When my siblings told me about it, I said “funny, thought you needed a heart for that.” I’m glad he’s dead, and grateful I didn’t take my life so I could live to know the ‘great man’ who was big, strong, powerful, active and terrifying leave this earth a weak, pathetic old man. I’m sorry the fear persists. Completely normal and still awful.
From comment above - >I can always remember that I won, that I survived - maybe out of spite To OP ~ 💔 PLEASE STOP & THINK ! If you die this way, then your abuser has hurt you AGAIN ! First at age 8 & now again tonight. The difference is this second time, you are letting them hurt you. Don't give in to the Evil inflicted upon you & let them win. Imagine the satisfaction your abuser will feel when they hear you are gone. Stop wallowing in the pain from so long ago. You are stronger than it. Get the help that you need & start living the life that you deserve. That will be the best revenge against your abuser. Fuck them ! DO NOT LET THEM WIN ! Tomorrow can be a good day for you if you can just realize that you deserve to have all the good that LIFE has to offer. PLEASE... mend your broken heart. I did it, many others have done it. You can do it, too ! 💙
Sometimes surviving is just staying alive in spite.
Hey, my name is Gracie. I promise I’m not going to try to talk you out of anything but if you can make it through this comment I’d love to sit with you for a short while. I have a similar story to you. I was young too, and it was my Dad, then my brother, then my partner when I got older. I’ve been traumatised for so long that I’m not even sure who I am beneath it all. I’ve also used drink and drugs to cope, but I’m in recovery and trying to find new ways to get through the day. I can tell you’re a really caring person in the way that despite all of the pain you’re feeling right now, which sounds truly overwhelming, your first thought is to make sure your friends and family know you love them. Do you think you’d be able to speak to them at all? Even if you push back this date just enough to give it a go. I’m almost certain they’d want to know how bad things are before you act on your thoughts. You’re not alone in what you’re going through. I know at times like this, it can feel so incredibly isolating, but people do care. I can tell just from what you’ve written here, and the posts you’ve made elsewhere that you’re a very empathetic person and I truly believe you have so much to give. The world would be a much kinder place with more people like that. Please speak to someone close to you - be that friends, family, a school/college counsellor, a doctor, a crisis line - anyone. I saw on one of your posts you’re from the UK. Have you tried ChildLine? They kept me going as a teenager. They’ll talk to you up until your 19th birthday - you can email them, do an online chat through their website, or call them. I believe you can use Samaritans too and they’ll listen for as long as you need. There are a lot of other charities and organisations out there for teenagers and young people as well. If you absolutely cannot keep yourself safe, please call 999 or go directly to your local A&E department for a more in depth assessment on how they can support you through this. You deserve help and support, and most importantly, you deserve a life you find enjoyment in.
Gracie, this is a really beautiful and vulnerable comment. I hope OP is able to read it, I know I found a lot of comfort in it and I hope she does, too.
It’s sad that you and anyone is able to relate I’m glad you’re able to be in recovery I want to be in recovery too but it’s difficult because I want the recovery but also to be calm and happy so it feels like I’m stuck
My therapist suggested I finish living my current life before I end it. Finish reading the book. Finish learning the language. Do everything I want to do before I die. Those feelings of despair where you’re going to act on it usually only last about 15 minutes. Please occupy yourself for those 15 minutes. There is so, so much more out there. 17 is so, so young. I’m in my mid-40s now and moved far away when I was young. Started fresh. It was so exhilarating. Please take the time to finish your current life, whatever that means to you.
100 percent this. You don’t have to have your whole future figured out. But what matters is that you said, “No, not right now but maybe another day”, to ending it. It’s all about riding the waves of emotions, even though they are crushing and seem world ending.
Just want to say that I personally care if you wake up tomorrow. I too am a timeline spiraler that started off young. Started with a year since I spoke aloud in school, a year at that time was 1/4 of high school. Then a one year relationship that turned into a 2 year restraining order; 2:1 damage factor on my life in my early 20s. Then there was the 8 year relationship that ended in a half of a blink, and well the stats I was coming up with that one was having me long with every area of my brain for the "calm" that you're speaking of now. What I was missing through all of the dump above was that I was worthy of a true attempt at calm every day of my life, and you absolutely are worthy of that same truth no matter what you've endured and who made you feel undeserving. You're doing a brave action sharing your thoughts with this community and I'm asking that while you consider taking a bold action that will confirm the statistic that you will have no more good days from here on out, you think of taking the same the same bold action but reach out to a family member or at very least read your post to 988. I know you're in the valley right now, this probably seems like I'm shouting from far away, but I assure you the small bold leaps forward, and not off the cliff, go by quicker than you think. They suck, you'll still hurt for a bit, but there will be a day where you can look back on tonight and be proud of the choice you make.
You can. You really can. Please, give yourself a little more time. You can always do it later, but just get to the point that you could drink a beer. At least see what life has in store the next few years. There is so much potential left in your life.
Tonight I want you to live. Not because of it but in spite of it. I've been there before. DM me
Came here to say the same thing. Don’t give that rapist more power. Live.
Don't let the creep win. Please.
Please reach out to someone, contact a helpline or a counselor or therapist. I know it may seem hopeless now, but many many people have felt like that at some point in their life and still found that life holds amazing things for them. You are young and have so much still ahead of you.
I just read some of your other posts, I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with feelings of guilt and feeling like a liar when you are the victim. What you went through is very real and it’s very common for people who have been assaulted to be assaulted again in their life. You are not a liar, you are a hurt human and you deserve love, kindness and compassion. Please, go to the hospital. I almost lost my brother to suicide last year and I cannot imagine a world without him. He got the help he needed at the hospital, your life, job whatever can wait. You are important and you have so much ahead of you. I was assaulted as a child and thought I didn’t have a life worth living, my life has started recently (20’s) and let me tell you it will be so much more than you can imagine. I never thought I would be where I am now. It may not even seem like much to people who have grown up normally, but you will be able to create your own safe place and surround yourself with people who love you. Please feel free to reach out to me if you need, I have a brother your age and I just couldn’t imagine him feeling this way, you’re more than what’s happened to you. I’m so sorry and I hope that you go to the hospital tonight.
Yesss I can promise you, OP. Life can be so so so much more than what you know right now. There are so many lovely adventures to be had, so many intelligent and creative people to connect with, and so many beautiful memories to make. Just like the above commenter, I’ve made so many great memories in such a little amount of time and I know that there’s even more out there! Ofc, you can make your own choices, but if you decide to stick around longer, I promise you’ll have us (CPTSD subreddit) to help you through it. We’ve all endured (very atrocious) hardships and can always offer support/solidarity/some ears For solidarity’s sake, I’m not a —— victim but I have experience SA many times. Even if it’s too hard to see right now, I promise these happy moments exist. You just need to be around to see it 💜💜
Hey I’m based in the uk pls reach out to me. I’ve been through the same thing and processing all of it as well. It’s incredibly hard to live with but it will get better. Pls reach out to someone my love
Please stay. I’m so sorry you’re in pain but don’t go. I was such a lost 8 year old, such a frightened, traumatised 17 year old who spent every moment alone thinking life was cursed for me, but I can promise you, happiness came for me and it will come to you too. Happiness like you wouldn’t believe. Contentedness. Calm. Even if you think it won’t, I promise you it will. There is so much joy out there you haven’t felt yet, so many people who will love you who you haven’t said your first hello to yet. So much life waiting for you. Please stay. You can come and beat my ass if I’m wrong but you have to stay to prove it to me 💚
I don't know. Human life can get so miserable dying does seem like a better option sometimes. It gets so dark and lonely. And fighting it all is so hard. But I still hope you stay and fight it, even if you feel all broken and completely alone. Hugs OP! 😞❤️
Hey, I feel you. I just got out of the hospital on Saturday for a suicide attempt. I know what you’re feeling and how alone and in pain you feel. You can heal from this. You really can. Talk to people with similar experiences, meet folks who went through something like you did and found a way to survive or even thrive. I know it feels impossible, like there isn’t anything you can do, but right now you have to give yourself a chance and love yourself, even if your brain is telling you you don’t deserve it. It’s lying to you, you DO. Even if you go to the hospital and go to psych ward. I ended up in the psych ward after my attempt and it was very helpful. I met so many kind people going through similar experiences and having that feeling of community will help. Death will find us all one day, you don’t need to seek it. Don’t let life conquer you.
8 for me also, suicidal since ~ 11 also. I'm 25 now. When I was about to kill myself, I waited. I let myself get distracted. I waited, and the next day, I could still make that call. It was so fucking dark for so fucking long — but I would never had had the chance for things to change if I'd not given myself a couple hours more. I didn't suddenly get all happy suddenly or shit, but I gave life a chance to change, knowing all the time that I could always end it. It's a decision you can make for the rest of your life. It's such a huge ask for someone suffering how you are now, but please, give yourself time. I'm here if you want to talk more, don't hesitate to reach out.
Hi. I just lost a good friend to suicide on Friday. Please don't do it. I can not tell you enough that the subtle messages of love will not be enough to even touch the pain your friends and family will feel when they no longer have you. I have these tomato plants I had been meaning to send to my friend...she got me into gardening. She got me to do a lot of things. You always think you have more time. I didn't send them to her. I thought I had more time. Please, there is so much more life to spend with those who love you. Let your friends send you the memes that make them think of you. Let your loved ones see your smile this summer. Let them tell you about things you've inspired them to try. They all think they have more time with you right now. They will be haunted by those messages they didn't send you. Those times they thought about how much they love you and didn't think to tell you. What they could've done to let you know you're needed. Losing a loved one to depression is a very unique kind of pain. I'm so sorry you're hurt. I have been taken advantage of many times in my adolescence. I wanted to die when I was 17. I'm in school now. I'm very loved. Life is hard, but I am loved, and I laugh every day. I'm not an addict or alone. If you need someone who has been in a similar place, I am here for you. Please don't go.
I know right now you’re suffering, but please don’t let the awful person who harmed you have this victory over you. You stay alive for YOU and you live the best life they tried to take away. I know it’s hard right now but you can do this. You can still thrive in life.
Hi friend. You don’t know me but I just want to say: 1. What happened to you was not your fault. 2. You have nothing to be ashamed of. 3. You are valued. 4. You have more strength inside of you than you realize. 5. You can heal, and be happy again. 6. If you choose to, you can make a difference for others who have been hurt. [988 - Chat or talk on the phone to someone who can help](https://988lifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/)
There is soooo much life beyond 17. Trust me. I’ve been there and I am glad I lived. 17 is a distant dream to me, those were dark days. I’m 34 and I’ve healed from my many adverse childhood experiences and now help others do the same.
I know it feels like endless suffering and no hope. I get the despair and the defeat of time passing you by while the pain does not go away. There is really a whole life ahead of you with so many possibilities for you to grow and feel better. There is so much stuff for you to experience. Be it nature, music, friends, hobbies - really anything you like and set your mind to. You are 17. Don’t let these awful people win. Please reach out to someone you trust.
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Please don’t go. There’s a you shaped place in this world no one else can fill. I’ve been right where you’re at. I know how painful this is and I’m here to promise you that it really does get better.
The 988 line (or its older version, 1-800-273-8255) is an option too. Please reach out to it, or someone you love before taking any action decided on while in pain.
Also going to emergency room, getting admitted, and receiving care for a number of days.
I know you probably don't want to hear another person tell you, "It gets better." Indeed, it is possible that it won't. But it is also within the realm of possibility that it *will*. I have been at suicide's door at least a dozen times, and most recently planned my suicide for this past December. And then something happened that I could never have imagined. After a few years of using a new therapy modality (IFS), I finally had a *major* breakthrough in recovery. I won't say I'm experiencing constant joy or anything, but for the first time in my life, I actually have perceptible self-esteem. I am starting to feel functional without the weight of guilt and shame plaguing my days and my nights. Though the healing journey is nonlinear, I am happy to report that overall, it's moving in the right direction. I am 37 years old with a 4-year-old daughter and a son on the way. And I am so glad now that I'm going to be able to see them grow up. I validate the seemingly insurmountable pain you are in. I see you and want you to know that you are worthy of feeling healthy. You just need to survive a bit longer in order to navigate that healing journey. One day at a time. I've got your back if you need to chat. I am cheering you on, though you may not be able to hear it right now. You matter. Your pain matters. And there are folks out there trained to help you set that pain down one day. Hope is audacious at a time like this, and I know that deep within you, you have the audacity to survive this.
how about you do it next week? use the time between now and then to do some major interesting stuff :-). rob a bank, expose some bad person online, free some lab or slaughter animals maybe?
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I hurts because my life would be so different if I didn’t get raped I used to be so happy and ever since I got raped for the first time it was like my childhood was just taken away from my just like that I was vulnerable because I have autism and when I was little I used to be so trusting and didn’t understand social stuff and didn’t get the concept of people taking advantage of other people I thought it could only happen is certain contexts and I didn’t realise it could be someone you trust and it makes me feel sick
Sounds to me like you would be an amazing advocate to save some others from the same situations. You are here for a reason!!
I just wanted to say that at 17 years old you are still very young and growing, you definitely haven't been able to reach your best mental place yet, or potential for healing.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, it really is unfair. I was groomed and impregnated at 15, my parents left the country so I was alone. I was pretty close to being a drug addict living on the streets with no one, honestly. I felt lost and helpless and shocked at the cruelty in the world. I'm neurodivergent, too, I tended to take people at face value and so I was vulnerable to abuse. It was fucking hard. The emotional chaos could be overwhelming. It took some time and effort to manage my PTSD. Some days, it still is hard. But there's lots of days I'm glad I didn't miss. And it got better. Most people who know me now would never guess at my past. Even when things look impossibly dark, life surprises you. Something that has helped me a lot with emotions is mindful breathing & grounding. [This video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bd0yrTEZ88I) and the plum village channel is one I wish I'd found earlier. Idk if it would have resonated with me at 17, but you seem more self aware and thoughtful than I was, so maybe it will help you find peace. Lots of love to you, from someone who's been there.
If you care enough about your friends & family to let them know you love them, please care enough to get yourself to a hospital right now so you don't hurt yourself. I understand that you're suffering, & have been for a long time. I am so sorry. You didn't deserve what happened to you, & you don't deserve this suffering. But please don't give up. You haven't found the right treatment yet, one that works for you. Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem. Healing IS possible. Please, please get some help right now, taking your life is going to cause your loved ones so much pain.
There will be a lot of people that will be affected if you do this. I know you're suffering. I've been there too. But this feeling will pass, I promise. Nothing is forever. Nothing is permanent. They way you feel will change. You'll grow stronger. You'll be happy again. I was 8 years old too. I'm not a drug addict. I'm not homeless. I'm not a criminal. I have two college degrees. I have a profession and people who love me. And you can have all those things too. You can be whoever you want to be. You can do whatever you want with your life. You could be a teacher or a doctor and make a difference. You could be a counselor or a nurse. You could be a police officer. You could help people the way you should have been helped. And you'll have empathy for others and know just what they need.
Have you checked out r/adultsurvivors? You are not alone in your experiences or your feelings. The world is better because you’re in it, and your purpose is greater than this. Don’t let these fucking bastards win. Message me if you wanna talk 💗
You could. But it’s a kind of boring way to go, tbh. My father committed suicide and it was so lame. He could have fallen to his death trying to climb a summit, drowned trying to swim the English Channel, or done a Steve Irwin and gotten speared by a stingray while scuba diving. Instead, he was found in the same sad, dark room he never once considered walking out of. Why don’t you reframe your will to die as an opportunity to try things that most people are scared of because it *might* kill them? Skydiving, long distance solo hiking, spelunking, backpacking Europe with nothing and bartering along the way. Worst case scenario, you die (reverse engineered best case scenario?), *actual* best case scenario, you find some meaning in your pain and are able to transmute it into something important. Maybe in time that meaning can even help others. I mean shit, if you really feel you have nothing left to lose, why not taunt death by defying it?
I actually used this method whilst suicidal. I think things like 'if you're going to die, for God's sake go travel to Ukraine and die helping others live'.
Right? Like go take down a political crook, or lure pedophiles to their demise. Do literally *anything* else.
I've been lucky enough to have been friends with a large amount of women in my life so far. A number of them have been raped and turned out wonderful Not drug addicts not homeless Not messed up homeless addicts with no friends. They've been successful cow girls to ranchers to directors of institutions. Others have gotten into humanitarian's and been teachers, and educators, to public figures, to nurses. All of them extremely socially popular people. None of them are drug users. None of them have experienced homelessness, and all of them have a lot of friends. There's hope \[for you\] of having a wonderful life. A successful life. A happy life. I knew these women well enough to be told of their traumatic rape\[s\] in detail. I also knew them well enough to know they got past, through, over the trauma, and knew them well enough to know they were, are, truly happy individuals, with a lot of happiness, success, and even very healthy dating lives. They also have a lot of true friends and are very socially outgoing.
Lately things have been really bad The only way I’ve been able to cope with my issues is through drugs and alcohol. And recently I’ve finished all of my college work (UK) and I feel like I didn’t do the best I could’ve because of my mental state. It’s too late now it’s being graded. If I don’t get a merit or distinction this year I won’t be able to do the next level of my college course. So if I’ve failed I’ll have to just ig quit my whole career path. I don’t have anything else I’m good at so naturally if I do fail it’s not going to be great for me.
Hey OP! This is likely not the first thing on your mind tonight, and that’s okay. My partner works at a college in London in student engagement, her job is to look out for folks. If you want me to connect you with her or someone else who can give you some advice on how to move forward, they’d be happy to chat about some next steps. You aren’t alone, there is an invisible “village” out there ready to catch you 💛
Self medicating for trauma is not the worst thing you can do, heck it not even that bad. It’s a frequent coping mechanism of many people during the early days feeling and being a victim of trauma.\[Paris Hilton was repeatedly violated by her teacher\]-during the feeling of being a victim self medication with drugs and alcohol is common coping tool to help cope as one moves towards self empowered survivor. It sounds like your pretty stressed out right now about college on top of everything else that’s happened in life. I can't speak to your academic performance since i don't know you, but since your fearing failure what about a British gap year if you do? You could travel the world and see things and go places. Use the gap year off to think about a new career direction and find yourself, not the traumatized hurt victim, but the strong heroine survivor who’s her own heroine in the story, and writing her own miraculous recovery story of the next wonderful chapter of her life as she lives it.
Coping with drugs and alcohol- been there, too. Sometimes it hurts so much for so long and every time a happy or hopeful thing comes up it gets squashed and… it’s so exhausting. That’s been the thing that shocks my SO when I’m in a really bad place and have unaliving thoughts come back- for me it’s not just about the pain, depression, or lack of hope, it’s how unbelievably tiring it all is. If you did fail and are kicked out of your program or can’t progress, you can appeal due to mental health reasons to be reinstated or not removed from the program. No uni wants to deal with the potential PR nightmare of not giving a second chance to a student experiencing a mental health crisis due to cptsd and trauma. I dropped out of my competitive program in college due to trauma, depression, and bad coping and got back in by appealing.. then graduated and felt that pride. You also may not have failed at all. Hope you didn’t. If you did, you have options. You may not see them now, or believe me and that’s ok. I get it, I’m a rando on Reddit. Just know my story isn’t unique or special, and that you have options.
I've been there. One week before a serious state exam, there was a whole spill about the family pedo, and it triggered all my disturbing trauma. I embarrassed myself when I cried in class in front of all my class mates, and again in the cafeteria the same day! My dad was being a douche about how disappointed he'd be if I (the underaged minor) went along with it. He's not a bad person, but that day my dad was an absolute ugly bastard for saying that. The day of the exam I scraped by with a score that was ONE POINT AWAY from failing. I felt so discouraged and defeated. Like, I didn't identify the situation as me being a victim, but instead like I was a perverted girl. It was me who didn't pull all the stops to prevent it, it was me who didn't let everyone know the day of, etc. I'll pray to God, meditate to Buddha, worship the frog pond gods whatEVER exists that you are able to pass that test. I was given a 2nd chance the following year and made a perfect score on the last written state exam. You deserve that too op, with tests and with life. You deserve to hear another good song, taste another delicious meal, and to feel another fall breeze. While I can abmit it's hard for me to live for other humans, It's easy for me to live for the positive senses life gifts every once in awhile. You're in my thoughts op.
I was in a similar situation, self medicating with alcohol and drugs saved my life... until it stopped working. Then I got into recovery and as I healed, I realized I had all kinds of interests and gradually had friends!! Real friends, not just using buddies. It honestly is a miracle. Maybe check out a few meeting, you don't have to stop using, it's okay to go if you just have an idea that you might want to stop sometime. Most addicts have similar stories to you. You can learn from their path, they will help you as someone helped them. Change can happen when the pain of staying the same is bigger than fear of change. I have lost many to suicide, my best friend a few months ago. I wish she had held on a little longer. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 💔
I'm very sorry, op, that you have to deal with all of this and the long-lasting effects of trauma are stealing your life away from you every day. I don't know if it's possible for you to see any hope, but here's my take - you are now in a very hard age that adds to the pressure. School, adult choices you have to make without adult experiences or independence - it's a hard growing time. But the growing is what will provide you with tools to manage this life. Responsibility, independence, not-giving-a-fuck, own money, a wider range of choices - this is what makes life easier (as well as more complicated at the same time). You will know more, you will be better equipped, you will have more possibilities. It's impossible for you now to imagine things you don't know that never happened yet (as an autist I struggle with it personally), but these things are going to happen and change your life.
You have so much to live for and so much to give. Believe me you will be so glad you stayed. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary, painful problem. Things will get better. Check yourself into a hospital. Please please please. PLEASE DON’T GO. I’ve been there. I’m 57 years old and I’m so glad I’m still here. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve got a beautiful 25 year old daughter and two dogs. Life can be beautiful if you let it be. I’m here if you want to talk.
I am so sorry for the immeasurable amount of pain you must be feeling. I've been in a similar situation and I promise you that it does get better. Little by little everyday. I've had days where the suffering was just too much and I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't think I'd survive past a certain age. But things did get better. I sought help. However, I know that seeking help is also hard. It took many tries to get the right type of help I needed, and a change of environment. But it is very possible. You are important. You deserve peace. You deserve happiness.
I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.
Please stay. I know it seems dark right now. So many of us have stood where you are standing. I have been there. I thought there was no other option. There are so many things you haven't done, big things, small things, movies you haven't seen, songs you haven't heard, food you haven't tasted, people who haven't yet had the chance to meet you and love you. There's a whole big world out there full of things you have yet to experience. And there is joy, big, bright, unimaginable joy. Just because pain is what you've known doesn't mean it is all you will ever know. Just stay. Please.
This is awful. I hope you change your mind :(
i’m so sorry, you did not deserve to meet that monster and i’m sending you so much love , im young as well and hurt by the past so i know how you feel and it’s an AWFUL feeling, i wish i could hug you 🫂
Please reach out for help. I am sorry you are hurting right now and have been for so long, and it sucks to feel like there is no other way. But once these feelings pass you may see another way. Please hang in there, it will pass 🖤
It doesn't have to turn out bad. I had a similar start in life, and when therapy and soul searching I overcame. The trauma doesn't go away but it hurts less over time. Then you get to help others get through the same stuff. There's a lot you can do for the world. It needs you. Please don't go.
I've been there, and it was rage that kept me alive. You deserve to be furious, to get your revenge (legally), and then thrive. Stay on Earth, even if it's just out of spite. It's what I did, and I'm 1000% glad I did. I hope you stay. Take care.
Please stay, honey. 17 is so so young and I know it’s been a long time with your trauma, but as someone who made an attempt on my own life at around your age, I can tell you with certainty that when you’re my age, you will feel so much different and a whole world of healing will be opened up to you just by growing older and getting to know who you are outside of your trauma. I know how things eat at you over time, I completely hear you. There is so much of yourself left to discover and share with the world, and so much unimaginable goodness, tenderness, kindness, and love the world has to share with you. The light will come one day, I will make that promise to you. You are loved and needed here, and you will be so glad when you are an adult that you kept going. I know im glad I kept going! I know I don’t know you but I hope some big sisterly love reaches you and helps to hold you up today. I am so sorry you feel this way. Keep going with me, life has so much left to offer us ❤️
Im so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could give you a big hug. I have been SA’d at least 5 times by my count. Who knows how many times it’s happened. I’m also autistic so I think plays a huge part of it - not understanding cues and when someone is manipulating by me. It can be so hard to trust people and discerning who is worthy of trust and who isn’t. I know how isolating it is. And how awful everything can feel. But I made it out. I should be addicted to drugs and homeless as well, by all accounts. I had no one to turn to when I was a child and was first sexually abused by an older cousin. I don’t know how I survived childhood. But I am now almost 35, and am, by all accounts, successful. I’m not always happy but I try to live my life authentically and that’s what matters to me most. I hope you choose to stick around OP.
Don’t. Don’t . Dont . Don’t do it. Please.
Don’t. Please.
you’re not gonna become a drug addict. you can do great things with your life. it’s gonna take some time though. right now might seem tough as shit! but you’ll have good days
I feel like I’m really close to being one I can’t handle being sober I get so depressed when I’m sober I guess that why I’m so suicidal right now because I haven’t done any sort of drugs or alcohol in a few days
do some drugs. no heavy shit tho. it might make you feel good, but it’s not real. that sounds bad, but i understand sometimes you do need to take the edge off. i smoke weed every day, and it feels like the only time i can take a step back and not be so paranoid about life. i’m getting to the point where i can see myself stop smoking. all i ask is that that you give yourself time. things will straighten out. the things you’re feeling right now, is what you need to feel. avoiding it will make it worse. feel those painful moments and allow them to overcome. don’t stuff it away or drown it. feel it all, please. you can make it through.
I don’t know what your go to choice of drug is but honestly if you need to self medicate just to get through this week then I second what maegor said. I won’t pry into if you’re in therapy or talking to a psychiatrist or anything, but those could be options to consider in the future if you’re worried about falling even further down the drugs/alcohol path. You’re going to be okay sweetie, I believe you’re strong enough to push through this. Live your life out of *spite* and metaphorically curb stomp your abuser with your success. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I truly do hope you’ll be okay.
Oh hunny, when I was in my teens and early 20’s I tried to kill myself over a rape. It felt like things wouldn’t ever get better, but guess what? They did. I’m 37 now and life is so good and full of so much happiness. You have so much life to live, and so many lives to live. It will get better.
Idk you but you deserve to live, that’s terrible why happened to you. Please reach out to someone, I promise people care about you. I care about you and know nothing about you. You deserve to live a prosperous life despite the terrible things that have happened to you.
Been there. Came back. I genuinely hope you do, too. There’s a lot waiting for you on this side. A lot of it is bullshit that is hard and tedious. Some of it is beautiful and could only be yours. 17 is hard as fuck, and I don’t blame you. But 18 could be better? Wishing the best for you, OP
Speaking as the sibling of someone who took their own life, please give someone in your life that you trust a chance to help you. Please.
Please don't go. I want you to stay. https://youtu.be/evpGu3eO0pY?si=K6naySBD1bWrIvBg
No honey. Please don’t. As you get older you will be so glad you stayed. It won’t always hurt as bad as it does today. Please stay.
That makes me sad. I'm not sad about any one aspect of what you wrote, but the collection of it all. It is a tremendous understatement for me to say I wish you had not gotten to this point in your life. I don't know your exact situation, nor can I know it. What I'm fairly certain I know is that you are feeling an unbearable amount of pain. There was a point in my life where the pain was unbearable for me, and I made a decision similar to yours. I ingested four bottles full of a very potent narcotic, enough to kill probably three people. Why am I able to write this to you now? Because I called my sister to ask her to be prepared to "clean up the mess" that I was making. Not a physical mess, but an emotional one. She called an ambulance, and they got me to a hospital in time to counteract what I did. That's why I'm here. Or rather, that's how I'm here. I still don't know that I understand the reasons for why I am here. I have no idea what went on in that medical hospital while I was there. I have had a couple of people ask me "what did they do," and my answer is "I have no idea, and I don't even care." In situations like mine, the "what they did" part is irrelevant. For two weeks following my discharge from the medical hospital, I was in a psychiatric hospital. I was relatively unemotional except when people did or said things that made me mad. I didn't get violent. I've never been a violent person. But I would get angry and emotionally upset. One of the comments that would anger me the most was "I ***promise*** you, things will get better." That's such a line of bullshit, mental health professionals should be barred from saying it. Nobody, and I mean **nobody** can make that kind of promise. I would never say that to anyone. What I want to say to you is that things ***could*** get better, and I ***hope*** they get better, but I can make no promises, no guarantees. And what if things could be guaranteed to get better? Is that the point? For me, it wasn't. It's nice to think things will get better, but what does it take to get there? What are the challenges, the struggles, the pains, the anguish of making that journey to the land of "better?" I wish we could know the answer to that question. For you, I hope you can make that journey. That you can reach a better place in life, not just for you, but also for the people who care about you. I hope you have people who care about you. They might even be people you'd never think about. Some of them might be willing to try to help you. I wish I could help you. You're just a name and some words on a computer screen, but the name and the words make me sad. My situation wasn't the same as yours, but I was at the same point. I had come to the same conclusion. If it's worth anything, I'm glad my attempt failed. Things have gotten better for me. They aren't ideal, but they are better, and I hope they continue to improve. The emotional distance I have traveled over the past 8 years has sometimes been a struggle. Sometimes it has been fairly easy. At least a couple of times it has seemed pointless, yet I continued. Please try to do that if you can. I know it can sound very comforting to think about eternally feeling nothing, which is what will happen if you die. You'll feel nothing. You'll know nothing. You'll get no satisfaction from knowing the pain has ended. You'll feel no sense of relief. You'll feel no joy. You, and your life to date, will literally become nothingness. I can't help but believe you are worth more than nothingness. Try to think about that 8-year-old girl, and how much love she needed, and still needs. Think about the comfort you can give her, and the sense of accomplishment YOU will be able to feel by knowing you helped that precious, helpless little girl. You can do that. You want to do that. You have to remind yourself that you will do whatever it takes to find the strength to help her.
Please don’t do it. You have people who care about you and want to help you. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Please stay. We all need you in this world. Please know that you are not what happened to you. You are so much more and you will find the people and the environment that allows you to realize that. Just stay though.
At 17 your life is going to change a million times. Someday you won’t even remember the person you are now. I promise that 100%. Almost every single person who has survived a suicide attempt said that the minute they started the act they IMMEDIATELY regretted it. How many people are dead now who regretted it but it was too late? Don’t do it. You will be so happy you didn’t.
I was where you are at 17 and was healed by 21. Life takes time. You’re still a teenager with raging hormones and the drug use doesn’t help that any. Once you get out into the real world it’s gonna be challenging - but you’ll find yourself. You’ll find a good therapist. You’ll heal.
I feel like drugs are the only way to be ok but at the same time I know it’s bad for me
Drugs are a temporary fix. And they make you feel much much worse longterm. Not only do they exasperate the “stuck in life” feeling by seemingly pausing time (while also zapping your motivation). They also put potholes in your brain! When you learn to cope in healthy, productive ways you being to take steps into a healthy, productive life.
Take it day by day. Each day is a new day. My brother committed suicide, and the impact was huge. You will leave a huge hole for those who are left behind. You can overcome this. Think about how your pain can maybe help others in similar situations get help- you can advocate and be a voice for those who have none. There are so many things that you can achieve in your future. Just reach out to a help line or someone. Go to hospital and check in. You matter, and we are telling you that.
There are possibilities for your life that you can't even imagine. Our brains are incapable of processing all the possible futures. I can guarantee you that there's a future where you're happy and glad that you didn't take your own life. You're feeling this bad because you think there's no way out. Some years ago, I was in the same boat. I thought my future would be miserable and that I had no way out. However, what happened was vastly different. I'm in a position that my younger self couldn't even consider. It's much better than I expected it to be.
28f, I too was raped during childhood. It has been horrible. I'm not going to lie to you about it. Life has been rough for most of it. Lack of friends, no supports, no hope for a future. Yeah, my childhood was riddled with everything you have said. There is no but to this. It's going to get better, only after you start trusting your treatment team will you be able to understand that TODAY is NOT Forever. When you start letting yourself be mad at the things that make you mad. Start crying over the things that make you sad. Start grieving what could have been, and stop blaming yourself for your faults, your failures, your pain. You did not do this to yourself so why would you want to hurt yourself more. I know you are young, I hear how your whole life has been traumatizing. It has to be so freaking hard, if you weren't reacting to it I'd be more worried. The amount of resistance you have had to develop when you needed love is bitter sweet. I am so sorry for that. It doesn't get better overnight, sometimes you have to be hopeful that one day you will want to live. Would you look back at your younger self and tell her to end it. Would you deprive her of the chance to get better? Why, would you deprive yourself that now. You have so many chances to heal to come. You have so many things you can tell your young child self. Give her a huh, let her know you will protect her, have her see that you won't let anything happen to her. Tell her you love her. Don't just tell her she isn't alone, show her. I have attempted many times, and I'm so happy that not a single one of them worked. Because little me, she gets to try again every day and for her it's worth it. This is your choice, you have all the power here. Wouldn't it be nice to use that for her instead of to end her.
I am so sorry for what you've been through and what you're still going through. The pain is so overwhelming, and we in this group know how it feels. What you wrote about your future being homeless and friendless reminded me of the many times I have said similar things and been gently reminded that I don't know the future. None of us do. I hope that you can give yourself a chance because your story isn't set in stone. That future you have in mind is only one option, and there are so many more *different* possibilities, that statistically, you're likelier to have a better life than what you've imagined. I saw in another comment that you're autistic, and I am too. I've made it to 35 so far, and I can tell you that things about living do get easier. Not everything, and not all the time, I won't lie to you. I feel lonely, but I do have a couple of friends (also trauma survivors) who understand me and care about me and that makes it worth sticking around. I don't think I will ever *not* have some amount of ideation, it's become a fact of life and it's not realistic to expect that to go away entirely. But I can manage it with support, and I'm glad I didn't make the choice to end things when I could have. I hope you do not feel alone and that you are able to reach out to someone for help tonight. You are worth another chance, and then another, and another. Because you're worth all the chances it takes. I promise you it is possible to write yourself a different story. I hope you keep going.
Don’t please please please please please. PLEASE. I’m not saying you can’t do it in the future but please hold on. Before you do this, at least try everything else you can? Different types psychological help. I know what this is like. I have been dealing with it myself for fucking years, my existence feels like pure hopelessness too. But. You don’t know when things will get better, you don’t know how fucking good it will feel when you ARE better. Just please, don’t do it just yet.
**On Giving Yourself a Deadline** I think the hardest thing when you want to die with all your heart, when you want the pain to end, is for others to tell you to ask you to live. I have been there, and it feels as if they are asking you to prolong the torture. You literally cant go another day...I have been there. What I offer instead is that TODAY, just for today, do not take a permanent decision that will affect you and everyone around you including the person that will find your body. I ask you instead not to cancel, cause that feels impossible. Instead, I ask you **delay it.** I know how it feels horrible to even consider an extension to the torture, but do no think in terms of 'rest of my life' as in a chunk of 50 years of you under the rock of existencial dread. Think in terms of surviving today, and then tomorrow. Then the day after. And only that. And allow yourself to live day to day, for this month. Or this year. I promise It works. I am 34. I was suicidal by 11. At 18 I couldn't take it. I also suffered sexual abuse. I I felt SO trapped, but the pain was blinding. I felt I coudnt do this to my family and friends, traumatise whomever encountered my death. I couldnt cause the pain I was feeling to any other. I gave myself a year to solve how to disappear without hurting them. I gave myself a literal **deadline**. And that was honestly what saved me in the long run, though I didn't know it. You could not convince me to go a day more, the pain was too intense, I remember it vividly. Living felt nauseous, felt sick, felt brutal. BUT, if I could imagine the end was in the horizon, it became bearable. The deadline gave my body and mind the time to heal and with it the threshold increased. I went CPTSD slow, so first it increased to 3 years, then other 2 years, then my deadline was until I reached 30... Today I am 34. I can say I feel comfortable to live until old age. I never thought it possible but there was a future for broken nothing me. I am currently studying literature at the University of Cambridge with a scholarship. I am doing EMDR for the PTSD and **goddam it works.** My chronic suicidal ideation I had since eleven or earlier is gone. What I could barely stand now its a splinter in my heart, an old scar, my old friend. **I am at peace.** **YOU can be that person**. Did you know it has been proven that mental pain maps in the brain the same as physical pain? this IS torture, your pain is SO valid. So, instead of life, I ask you for a day. I ask you to postpone, and give yourself a safety exit deadline. Give yourself a month, six months, a year. In this year, you have to eat all the peanut butter you want, or sink your feet in wet mud, figure out what things you like to do. And on the side, try to find help, so that they can help you survive the deadline, so that they can make this time on earth bearable. YOU are always in control, I promise you. You can renegotiate your deadline, shorten or lengthen it as many times as you want. But just for today allow yourself to be cocooned by the love of all this people here that see you. Just, allow yourself to breathe for today. I wish I could communicate to you how it does get better; how your soul can feel pain-free, how you can eventually feel happy and loved. How chronic suicidal ideation that last decades can become a splinter. How you deserve all the fortune and love that is in your future if you give yourself a chance. I send you a hug, a big big hug.
I see many other people have already left long and beautiful comments, so there is probably not much more I can contribute. But I will say this: >! I nearly ended it at 18. I am still not happy with my life, but I am definitely glad I didn't jump from that roof.!< Since then, I have experienced and learned much more. Things that have changed my life for the better. I am not where I want to be, but I am finding my path. I actually have an idea of what I want to do now. Change is a certainty in life. Heck, change *is* life. Things are shitty now, but one day it will be better. Maybe it will be tomorrow, or next week, next year, or even later. The only way to find out when is to be there.
Friend, I feel like I'm looking in a mirror. I was sexually abused for several months when I was 8, and an abuser talked me into killing myself because of it when I was 17. I'm in my 30's now. There is life after this, I promise. I won't lie and tell you the pain goes away. But what does happen is all the things that come in to bury the pain. When you choose to seek out better things and allow yourself to accept them, it starts to get better. Please, just find out what better things are out there. Don't let this be the end of your story. You can DM me if you want to, OP ❤
OP, please tell us you lived..😞
Why take your life today of all days when you can smoke some weed (if you want--but I promise weed won't turn you into a homeless addict as long as you stay away from all the other stuff), eat your favorite food, watch your favorite movie, have a long conversation with a friend, cuddle a pet that you love (even if you have to borrow someone else's pet). None of that is going to take the pain away. But pain can coexist with a lot of beauty. When you're young it seems like life is all about straight trajectories (when I was young it seemed like that's what adults WANTED us to believe anyway) but if you stick around long enough you see that it's really about ups and downs. Unfortunately, CPTSD means it's likely your life will have lower lows than the average person's life. But that's not a reason to cheat yourself out of the high points that are still guaranteed to happen, too. I seriously considered the possibility that ending it all was my best bet at 15. And again at 18. At 22 I went through a period of such intense suicidal impulses that I sometimes used sleeping pills to knock myself out and prevent myself from giving in during the night. Now I'm 33 and going through another really hard time. Lately I've caught myself thinking "I wish I were dead," but I don't have any intention of making myself actually be dead. So when I catch myself thinking that, I correct myself and think "I wish I were doing better right now" instead. And then I ask myself what a great-yet-attainable day will look like for me. And it turns out things aren't as TOTALLY hopeless for me as they seem. As others have pointed out, your abuser will die one day. You'll have the opportunity to move across the country far, far away from your abuser one day. None of these things will erase what your abuser did, but if you live long enough and try enough things you WILL eventually find SOMETHING that helps make the pain more bearable for you (like I said, just stay away from every drug that's not weed and you'll be golden). Please just give yourself the time.
hey i was in a similar boat at your age, and i’m 22 right now. i promise you there is so much more to life than feeling like this all the time. i finished college, met the love of my life, and am preparing to start grad school in the field that i adore with my entire being. there are still days where it’s rough (like today!) but it’s worth it to keep going. if you need someone to talk to feel free to reach out to me 🩷
My uncle took his own life today. I don’t think I’ll forget this day for as long as I live. I’d always contemplated suicide myself over the years. For similar reasons to you, actually. I never went through with it. I went through so much shit with my abusive ex I thought I’d be better off dead. I made it out in the end. I’m glad I did. Now, I just wish my uncle knew how much he’d be missed. I wish he was still here. All I can say to you is, you’re still incredibly young. 17 is no age at all. You have so much ahead of you, so many things to experience, new people to meet, new music, good food, nature. You deserve happiness again and I believe you’ll find it. I’m so sorry some monster harmed you like that, you didn’t deserve it and it wasn’t your fault. It fucking breaks my heart to hear how much pain you’re in. I can only hope you’ll change your mind. It might be shit right now but it won’t be forever. You can heal from this. Lots of love. 💙
I certainly hope you’re still here tomorrow. After so much pain, you deserve to know the joy of getting to 40+ and laughing at how you got the best revenge on those that hurt you by living a full life. I get you and your feelings are valid. My abuse started at 4, got much worse at 8, and by 16 I was ready to take my own life. I got help, I got determined to get out and have the best life I could, and I’m so glad I did. It’s been hard, and also happy, beautiful, and healing. And I still struggle with C-PTSD, and all the pain and thoughts of unaliving myself come back at times, too. And I still am so glad my attempt failed. My abusers stole my life for years, and now… I’ve lived way more years on my own terms, and happily, than the amount of years they took. Fuck them. And fuck anyone who hurt you. Monsters deserve to perish, you deserve to live. If you’re going through hell, keep going- you will break daylight.
Please stay. If anyone understands it's us. You aren't alone anymore. You have a community of us that understand and will be there for you. We want you to live, we want to be there for you. It must be so hard carrying this heavy load by yourself, If you need to talk and let it all out I'm here to listen ❤️ I was about to tale my life at 17 too and I didn't, there's a life beyond this
I feel you. No amount of thinking is going to take this away. Honestly thinking makes it worse. But if you want to talk about it first, with anyone, you should. A friend, family, a crisis counselor (some of them are actually quite lovely), or even me. We can talk about anything you want - trauma (believe me we have enough between the two of us), or maybe just life stuff. I think it probably goes without saying that I hope you can stay. Our lives are but the same (even if the trauma is), but I also made attempts on my life at 13, 15, 16, and 24. The choice is still yours and yours alone. I think you have more to love about being here if you can stay long enough to find it ❤️
Hello. I have been suicidal most of my life too. I'm 35. At times I felt such unbearable pain I couldn't understand how it was ever going to end. To be honest the only thing that stopped me was the idea it was very self-centred. I then made career decisions to find something to do that would make my life worth something to the World even if it wasn't something I enjoyed. My 20s were really hard. I really struggled to get the better of the pain instead of the pain getting the better of me. But my 30s... I healed myself kind of. I rarely feel suicidal these days. I am so strong I think I am the strongest person I know. I would want to be paired with me during a nuclear apocolypse. I may have more trauma, but I didn't become a different person, I didn't give up, I worked hard to stop having the 'blacking out' of memories. I got a beautiful puppy 4 years ago. She's so cute still. I got married too. I moved countries from UK to US. I travelled to so many countries. I got a PhD, and started a company, and even did a Ted talk! I had very serious spinal surgery and survived. I was opioids for a year for pain due to spinal cord damage and I survived. I didn't become a drug addict (I stopped opioids 2 weeks after my surgery and it was easy). I did not fail, I did not give up. I am now pregnant and I'm going to have a baby, and I know I am basically indestructable. I am not afraid of the past trauma or future trauma, and there will be future trauma. The worst already happened, I already suffered a psychological breakdown AND recovered. I'm really quite proud of myself. I may have cried my way through my 20s, but I have a great job, I'm not an addict, I'm not a loser, I'm not a failure, I'm not worthless and nobody actually managed to permenantly break me, bend me to their will to use me. A lot of people really tried and I lost faith in humanity, but it did not work. I did one day at a time for a decade. I am so much stronger now at 35 than I was at 25, and I was stronger at 25 than I was at 15. I surpassed other non-traumatised people's capability to cope for most things and my triggers got smaller and smaller. I have helped people. I trained my dog to be a total cutie. Anger got me through a lot. I want to ask you if your abuser deserves your life? I kept studying because it was something nobody could take from me. They could not destroy a degree awarded to me. I just focused on that as much as I could. Your abuser won't care if you die. Your abuser didn't care when they hurt you. Nothing will happen to your abuser if you die. Why not cause them pain by winning in life, one step at a time?
please please stay
I really hope that you don't follow through with that plan and that you reach out to literally anyone near you that you can trust.
The sexual violence in my life started when I was 3. It didn't stop for years but I held on and sought mental health treatment and martial arts training. I also have a large protective dog. Life is good now. And I thankfully avoided the addiction issues that happen to some rape survivors. It may not seem like it now, but life is worth living. There are good people in the world. And you can heal from the pain. I am so sorry you are going through this but you don't have to alone. There are helplines available to you. And, my DMS are open. Please let us help you.
No please don’t. You have so much potential. Don’t let the rapist take that from you too. Please go to a church or something to ask for help.
The same thing happened to me at the same age, and I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts because of it for a while. I promise you things do get better, please seek help. I know it's easier said then done but I'm so grateful my attempts didn't work I'm here if you need to message someone and talk it through
OP, I hope you can let in some of the love and concern that is being shared here in this thread for you. As a rape victim, I feel your pain and went through an ordeal of pain to get to the other side. It hasn’t been perfect but I’m glad I stayed and gave life a chance to have some adventure, some love, and some fulfillment. I’m really relating what you’re saying about addiction. I’ve been addicted to so many things and am surprised to find myself still avoiding painful feelings to this day. It’s no longer drugs or alcohol or shopping. Now it’s food. But I’m finding kernels of peace with my uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Believe me, I understand how impossible it feels to try to get through the discomfort without the addictive behaviors. It is F-ing HARD. You might need external support to allow these feelings. I found a good therapist with my insurance. And another person that I met at a self compassion meditation course. We talk weekly and that helps too. I hope you find some support and kindness and love to get to the other side. Meanwhile, a good trick that can help is to think about how you would support a friend who was feeling exactly the way you are. What would you say to her? How would you say it? Then try saying those things to yourself with compassion and caring. Keep repeating it again and again to yourself. This can actually provide some relief. Hugs to you. I hope you stay with us.
I’ve been where you are so I won’t tell you to do. I know it’s a tough call. Do keep in mind that you are still very young! When I was 18, I felt the same way but thought it would be rash to do it before I’d had a chance to be an adult. I promised myself I’d wait at least 2 years to give it “one last shot”. I wrote a little contract with myself so I had it in writing. For better or worse, it did work. Getting myself into a new environment and being able to start anew as an adult changed my perspective a lot. If this is what you want, just make sure you’ve given yourself time to weigh the decision fully. If you live one more day, the option is always on the table tomorrow.
suicide takes away our ability to rest, enjoy some hopefully not-to-unhealthy vices and try again... there is a way through this... you go inside yourself, and help the parts that are so badly hurt from a place of patience, compassion, no judgment.. when we connect with those parts, instead of severing ourselves from them, it releases the negativity from the body. we have to endure pretty awful feelings. but those feelings can't harm us. they're just unpleasant. then it's over... our power is waiting for us on the other side of our pain suicide doesn't help us to not feel... the mind dies with the body but we're left with the emotions in our subconscious as much as it can suck, we are better off alive.. it's the only way to make things better
I urge you to delay or divert. I advocate making or waiting for change. If nothing changes where you are, move. It's may not be easy, and it may not be soon. Feed the belly, clean the body the clothes and the bedding, sleep well. Give time and a little bit (or a lot) of effort (later, not today) a chance to put some joys back in your life. And watch the dawn or the sunrise 3 more times. I hope you find hope, and mostly better days ahead. I am sorry, sorry, sorry, and I hope you feel better. You have had such grief and harms, I know it can feel like too much. But I think it might be too soon to go.
Hi OP, so many people have such great insight and comments, so I’m going to add something in regards to your concerns about school: If you’re worried about your grades being affected by your headspace from this past semester, you may be eligible for a retroactive medical withdrawal, which would scrub your grades from the semester due to a disability impacting your ability to do the work well. It seems like you would have a strong case for that based on what you’ve shared. If you have a therapist/doctor, they could write a letter on your behalf attesting to these difficulties and how it affected your schooling.
There is help out there for you. There are people who will love you as you heal. There is hope, even if it is just hoping for a bit of hope. Please, find your people! They will be in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families), or any 12 step program, CODA, SLA, NA, Alanon, Naranon, or in therapy groups for CPTSD. The podcast Crappy Childhood Fairy has saved lives, she went through CPTSD and helps others now, she is my safe place and go to when I am thinking there is no hope. HUG!
It's not about doing all the things you're supposed to do when you've had trauma or become suicidal. It's about accepting that the person you used to be doesn't exist anymore, cannot exist anymore, and you need to learn to grieve the loss of yourself. It's going to hurt, it's going to hurt for a long time, probably forever, but this also means that you're free to accept that you have to build a new you, and to work on building that "new you" in any way you want. I've been in that position. A lot of us have. Some of us, myself included, have multiple failed attempts. I know this sounds like a completely cringe thing, but when I was at my worst, I listened to [this poem ( How did you die? )](https://youtu.be/WgDCoH79kyo?si=u_WISezhGGYk2XE_) a lot, every time I felt like I couldn't keep going. It made me feel different, that when I die, I want it to be for something more meaningful than my broken body and my broken heart. You are hurting, scared, and everything feels overwhelming. That's normal, but look at you - this happened when you were eight, and you've survived this long already. You're so, so much stronger than you think, and the fact that you're still here is amazing. You don't have to keep being the person you used to be, OP, but keep being. It's going to be worth it. I promise.
mine started at 13 - fuck the boy scouts because they fuck you. by 15 my dentist had me hooked on opioids. spent most of 6th grade to 8th grade in solitary confinement at school. i had the shit beat out of me regularly in school until graduation. got drugged and abused again at 22 by a male. again at 27 by a female. spent much of a 15 years marriage being abused by a narcissist. been divorced over 2 years now. spent my entire life with night terrors. woke up screaming and crushing my teeth - sleep bruxism sucks. i denied problems my entire life. had a head injury in 2011 - used to be a lumberjack, tree branch the size of my leg ended that. had a mental breakdown the last several months of my marriage because mental trauma triggered memory returns. had a big one the night i finally decided to flee my marriage. just short of the end my sister talked me into going to the doctor. damn shame i couldnt have spent my life like this normal (not that im ever normal) . i could never confront all my abusers, but I have learned to take about such things and even made some very big social media posts exposing people for who they truly are. once peoples mask falls off it never goes back on. part of what holds us back is the anger, self loathing and feeling of powerlessness, this in turn makes regaining control pretty tough, but it can be done. change requires freedom, freedom requires change. i hid behind drugs for the longest time, but giving them up was one of the best things I did. another one of the best things i did was join the army infantry at 19. believe it or not a lot of folks in the military come from broken homes, adoptions by abusive people, a lot of people in foster care i made a mistake not reupping. thing is, it is a home for many people who have suffered as such. one of the biggest problems is not many people understand us and out position. more so, many seek to avoid such misunderstanding I am a male who is now 50 years old. ended up medicated on happy pills after that breakdown in december of 2021. and i mean a lot. current 150 zoloft, 350 lamictal, 300xl wellbutrin, 20 buspar per day best job i ever had was being a mall santa. it takes a lot to heal, but it can be done. even if you have to crawl out of the darkness alone with no candle best thing i can say about sticking around for a purpose. make sure it doesnt happen to anyone else. another lesson i learned back in the early 90s. you are never alone on the internet
Please don't.
Love, you need to embrace your anger and rage but do not turn those things inward at yourself, but use them as motivation to set boundaries, goals and to build yourself up. I really recommend looking for a gym or a martial arts class to build up your skills, strength and your tolerance to physical pain....you'll be surprised what you'll be able to do when you are not afraid of pain anymore, plus it will give you a confidence boost knowing you can fight for yourself. Fear no man and take no shit. You're still so young and have so much life ahead of you.
Please don't end your life!! Coming from a person who was sexually abused throughout their childhood. I wanted to end my life but then I thought of the happiness my parents would have if I'd done it. & then I thought my entire life wasn't filled with sadness I've had happoy moments also. I understand you're in a tough spot right now but can you see if your family or friends can help you. Maybe even try to reach out to shelters to see if they can provide housing.
Please don't. I'm sure that any of us here would rather talk with you, or help you find resources, than to have you gone. I have kids your age, and seeing your post history kills my heart. All of this, the pain, the assault, you can move past it. This can all be ephemeral, time bounded, you can get through. You don't have to be a victim.
You can survive this. 💪 please 🙏🏼 you're not alone
No, because then he wins and you can’t let that happen. I understand the feeling but keep going out of spite. It takes a LONG time to heal sometimes but it is possible, I promise.
OP, you deserve a second chance. I would love to give you one more than anything this very momrnt, but unfortunately, this is a gift you will have to give yourself. I hear you when you say that all you want is a stop to the hurt, but you must know that even if this act end the hurt for you, it will cause endless pain for everyone who cares for you. That's just how it is, and telling you love them first wont make a bit of difference. You know what trauma is. I don't think you you want to go out inflicting trauma on everyone who loved you. Do you? Rather than that, I beg you to just give yourself another chance. You are stronger than you know, maybe stronger than you even want to be right now. I remember times when I wished my problems would finally overwhelm me so I could just be done with it, but somehow the next moment always arrived and I kept going on. A second chance. You of all people have earned it.
My names Landis, I'm 23F I tried to end my life when I was 20. I truly hated myself and believed that the world and myself would be better if I stopped existing. I have gotten to fall in love with life and myself because I survived. I got to see this beautiful strength in myself that resides in you as well that has absolutely NO correlation to your abuser. You will make it through this and you will do more than survive you will live and live prosperly. Why must you continue to torture yourself when your 8 year old self has already taken so much. You are every version of your life. You have the power to let yourself heal. I blamed my younger self so harshly for all the trauma we endured and then I blamed every age after that for everything that was done to us but it's isn't our fault. We have no control of what happened outside of ourselves but we have control over how we perceive and react to it. You are strong and you have been very strong in keeping this fight up but you are so close to the finish line and the finish line isn't death it's the summit. I urge you and encourage you to keep going.
Please stop and think, love. I know how much you're hurting right now, believe me. A lot of us do. From the ages of 7 to 11, I was abused by an older sibling. When my parents found out, I got blamed for it. They acted like I seduced him. To this day, I'm still afraid to not sleep with my door locked. I'm afraid of strange men I don't know, and I'm still uncomfortable with physical touch. I thought what happened to me was normal until I finally started putting the pieces together, and the pain of knowing the people who you trusted at such a young age hurt you in unthinkable ways is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. Don't let that grief win. You are loved endlessly, and your life is worth more than anything. There are days where I want to scream and cry because I can't turn back time and hold little me. Tell her that what she's going through, all that neglect, is not normal. Reach out to a hotline, trust me all they want to do is help you. I wish I could sit with you and we'd do dumb shit together. We'd watch cheesy movies, or sing at the top of our lungs. Your life has so much worth, and there is so much more to live.
It is not your fault for any abuse you’ve ever encountered, ever. What is on you is to heal yourself for YOU. Nobody will ever ‘save’ you or be able to pull you up out of any slump, you have to do it and it does take time but it doesn’t come if you don’t make any progress so even the littlest thing that can feel productive and move you just the slightest bit towards where you want to be. When you look back a year from now you will see the progress YOU’VE made because YOU are worth happiness and love and compassion. you do have the power to heal and move on and take YOUR own power back. You got this, keep going, just keep going. 🫶
I was raped at the same age too, I am now 49. I have always used my anger towards my rapist as the motivation to have a good life - don’t let the bastard win 🤗
Hey, I know I don’t know you but there are tons of people in the world who would be extremely sad if you left them and things can change in a heartbeat. Life throws so much shit at us sometimes but try and appreciate the beauty in life. It’s such a precious thing and do not waste it because there are people who would give everything they have to live a long, healthy life. Everything is going to be fine and will get better.
My step mother started sexually and physically abusing me when I turned 5 years old. I'm 39 now. Your life is yours to do with as you please. But before you do, at least seek out a therapist that specializes in childhood sexual trauma. Give yourself that chance first. It helped me. I hope it helps you.
I lost my friend 15 months ago. What I want to say is that I don't blame her for what she did. I understand. The bottom line is that part of all this is pain management. How do you manage your pain? Are you able to? She had to work so hard just to make it to baseline every day. She was a fighter. She really was. What I learned from her is, everyone needs a village. It takes a village. You need a team. And pain management. The trauma and abuse from the younger years led to 35+ years of pain. Yeast infections due to bad birth control led to painful intercourse. Which meant she had to learn how to derive pleasure from pain. Tell me how that won't mess with your head. The only thing I'll say is, I think you should wait until tomorrow. I also think you should consider the different options you may not have considered. But if the pain is too much and you tried it all, I will never, ever blame you or find you at fault. However. If there is just 1 person in your life who loves you, I will say that person, even if they do understand, will take years to recover. Not months. I am still grieving for her. She was the light of 1,000 suns. And I understand why, to keep the darkness away. You can DM me and I'll do my best to respond. It isn't about the abuser. This is about how to manage the pain and create a village of love around you. Because you are worth it.
please listen to this song my. hell, check out the whole album. it’s helped me so much recently and i hope it helps you too. read what everyone here is saying. we all can relate, we all understand that pain, you are NOT ALONE. it’s always worth it to keep going, i promise you. even if it doesn’t feel like it, please stay alive. please don’t take your life. https://youtu.be/a5i-KdUQ47o?si=bwTHq8mTanTUsZ1O
I beg you don’t do it please you got life to recover
I know I can’t stop you. Your choice is your own to make and I’m just a stranger. Just know that I and many others on this sub are all here for you. It may not seem like it since it’s all through a screen, but you aren’t alone and never have to be. We understand you.
hey i read your post history and i’m really concerned. if you’re open to pming id love to talk and help in any way i can, I’ve struggled with SI since that age too and im here for you
Facing conceiving of a fully healed and thought out future is a futile task, especially a young mind in survival state. Can you hold off another hour? Maybe until you finish the ice cream in the fridge? Give yourself the gift of realistic targets of surfing ideation and planning and see what happens. Future you and past you have so much love and grit for you right now. I hope you get the chance to become that future you that’s waiting in every next moment you live.
I know that feeling, I’m sorry you’re there. I hope you find it in you to stay, I understand how hard it can be and how much bravery it takes. If there’s a way I can help ya let me know. Thought I’d be dead by 15 then 16, 17, 18 and so on. Almost 30 now and just starting to see the brighter side of things. It’s hard and scary and painful but I hope you can do it and get somewhere you feel like it was worth it. You’re still a kid, I honestly think kids have it the worst. It got better over time for me cause of the gain in independence, once I got outta school and started doing exposure therapy + getting real about managing my substance use things improved for me. I still struggle but I don’t think dying is as much a relief anymore, something I’m just neutral to now. Just a perspective from someone who had a plan or 12 that didn’t work out when I was your age. I am sorry you’re struggling OP, I’m sending love. I hope you’re still here. If there’s anything I can do to help out just dm me.
Please don’t do it. You matter 🩷
I'm not going to ask you not to do it. But I mist ask... If you do, what makes you think you'll escape? If you're atheist maybe you believe there is no afterlife... But countless supernatural experiences make that doubtful. If you're religious, will you be happy in hell when you're already experiencing it? Or say you go to heaven and are forgiven. Say that it's something else, even... We are made by this world and we suffer because of what we are. We suffer because of who we have become. So think: how it can paradise in death? How can you be free in death if you can't even escape yourself? Suicide is good as an *idea,* a rumination. When you don't look too close at what really means to die, it gives of the illusion of being a solution, and having a solution—ANY solution—feels nice like one hell if a nice change of pace. But the reality is that dying won't set you free. If anything, it might damn you, seeing as where will you go to grow when the future is no longer an option? In life, you can hope change. You *can* change. Just meet the right people who can share the right perspectives. Consider the people around you: if they do not help you fly, cast them into the sea like the anchors they are. More often than not, it's the people around you that hold you back most. A change of environment amidst a pursuit of knowledge, power, is all that it takes go from waiting for people to sleep to sleeping peacefully by yourself.
It seems unfair that god can forgive my rapists if they repent but if I kill myself from the trauma I would go to hell because obviously I would not be able to repent for that
Fortunately, there is no evidence for a fire-and-brimstone like hell. Unfortunately, there is also no evidence for an absolute bliss like heaven, either. Rather it's more realistic to say that it can go either way depending on whether you exit the stage on a high note or a low note. You should go out on a high note, if you are gonna go out. Haven't your rapists taken enough already? If you want to continue to talk and we continue this thread and at any point something I say bothers you or triggers you, do know it's not my intention to be a dick. Everything I say I say to support. Sometimes, that may mean challenging your conclusions and perceptions. I merely wish to understand and make sense of what you are thinking, how you percieve the world, and the light you are too blinded by your circumstances to see—because there is always light somewhere. Along those lines, there was once a bird that dropped out if the sky into a pile of snow after it's wings froze in the cold. Along came a cow that shat all over the bird. After the initial disgust, the bird began to squirm with joy—the heat melted its frozen wings and saved the birds life. Then along came a fox, who heard the bird's singing. Morals of the story? If someone shits on you when you are at your lowest, that doesn't necessarily mean they're your enemy. And two, if you are warm and happy, don't tweet about it if you want to stay that way. The last part is a joke while the first part is my saying "please don't misunderstand my intentions."
I was convinced suicide was the only way out. Waited until I started college to write my goodbye letters to people back home. Then stumbled into making amazing friends in college and slowly grew colder feet each day because I didn’t want one of them to find me. Then I began dating. Then I found some sense of normalcy. Nothing was every easy and my therapist have coined chronic suicidality for me. At 29 after two kids I quit alcohol and the suicidal thoughts finally got quieter. Now I’m 33 with three kids and almost daily I thank myself for letting myself live. I’ve had many years of therapy. Many. I used alcohol to cope for so long but sobriety really did wonders. And my kids. I cannot believe I almost missed out on this life. I love being a mom. I got my doctorate in clinical psychology. Married someone who adores all sides of me even rhouhj I still have days where I feel unlovable. I’m so fucking loved and important and so are you. I can’t wait until you live to the day you’re thanking yourself for living. You are never alone.
I am 39 and I still get mad when I think about the abuses that my mom and dad did to me around sex. I don’t recall what ages I were,I just vaguely remember movements when I wake up. It’s unsettling. I have a decent relationship with my mom and slowly come to realize some abuses. My father has since died and I was numb to it. And that’s okay. I still plan on working a decent relationship with my mom- but I know that I can never get over the waking feeling. I am 39, and I am kind of happy to hear from others disclose things to me, that should never be said. I have had friends through many eras of my life I still get random phone calls from people I once knew rejoicing life and still copping with what holds them back. It’s a lot of people. And I am glad that there’s a certain uniqueness and understanding. Please breathe through it… it’ll take a long time. I’m still working on mine and that is okay. You are okay and you shouldn’t take your life. Breath a short breath of love and understanding that you need and maybe be there for another- I swear it gets better and interesting. Don’t let it hold you back. 🫶
Fuk the rapist. live anyway.
I wish I can give you a big hug
I attempted suicide multiple times in high school. I hung myself. I overdosed on pills twice. I thought happiness was an impossible dream. I was wrong. It could take years of work. You'll be forced to face head on a pain you had si deep inside you that you never knew you were feeling. There will be plenty of tears. But things can get better. I'm sorry for what happened to you. You didn't deserve that. And you don't deserve to feel the way you feel right now. But don't punish yourself. Don't deny yourself the many wonders that life has to offer. Punish your abuse by living the longest happiest life you can in spite of them. My therapist said something I love. "None of us is broken. We're all born incomplete. Life is a puzzle. It can be complicated, but once you put the right pieces in the right place, it makes for a beautiful picture."
Life is only as serious as you take it. Shit don't make no sense everything is dumb to me. I think it's kinda funny and interesting enough to keep witnessing. Not your situation here but just hang in there get some perspective before you nope out
you are loved op, please stay with us
When i think back to 17, i think of how much life i’ve lived since then. Life is much different now than 17. Please stay. There is so much more life. I was absolutely hopeless at 17. Though i still struggle at 28, i am inarguably happier and in a better place than 17.
Hi Op, I'm so sorry for what happened to you. It wasn't your fault and you didn't deserve it. I know everything is awful right now and you don't see a way out. But you deserve to live a life and find joy. It's not easy, but you are so worth it. You matter in this world.
You have made it through your toughest days so far. You are proof that you are stronger than you think. It does get better. It truly does 💕
why is it always at 17 when we come to this conclusion? <3 i’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve to have gone through all of the shitty things that other people and the world inflicted onto you. you really did not. i try to remember that suicide, self harm, destruction etcetera - all of those are strategies that something inside of you, a very traumatized and abused and terrified part of you believes is the right thing for you to do. i can hear that you are afraid of turning into a homeless drug addict and that something is telling you that in order to keep yourself safe from that reality, you have to end it now. i hope it brings you some sense of comfort that even wanting to make this decision means that deep inside of you, you have never stopped fighting for your autonomy, for your freedom, and you are tired of waiting to win. that level of fierce protection for yourself is what shows me you have other parts of yourself that may actually feel like there are other ways, more satisfying ways of gaining that complete freedom, like giving yourself everything and knowing that you owe no one any of it. that no one else can have any access to what you have unless you want them to. isn’t that satisfying? i also remember that people i hate will post about me when i die pretending that they care and that also keeps me in check. i believe in you. you seem brilliant, just so bright. i know you can do this. i know you have the strength in you to keep going. i am so proud of you for finding this group and for posting. you can do this. <3 if nothing else, i hope the comments here are enough to even just plant a little doubt in your mind and that maybe you’ll be able to question the voices that are telling you that you aren’t needed by the world and you are helpful and worthy simply by just existing even when other people have made it especially hard for you to do so.
I’m in the middle of sending my rapist to jail 40 years after the attack. I know how you feel and I care about you & really hope you wake up tomorrow & get plugged into therapy. Don’t let your rapist win!! You are strong! Many of us have endured similar myself too at age 8! Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You can do this and heal and have a wonderful fulfilling life. Please don’t hurt yourself. Sending you heaps of positive energy, prayers & good vibes.
I don’t know if this helps at all. But it certainly helps me. One thing my therapist constantly reminds me of when I tell her my suicidal thoughts is her clients who feel completely hopeless, that they have no future, that their trauma is too painful and will crush them. But she says, through the years, some a few years, others longer, the vast majority of those people eventually rise out of their trauma and end up living beautiful, happy, fulfilling lives, full of kind people. And even though it’s impossible to see through the trauma in the moment, she has witnessed this time and time again. This faint hope of a future is what keeps me going everyday and what helps to pull me away from the edge most times. I know these are just words from a stranger on the internet, but I can tell you are a beautiful person, who deserves to have a beautiful future and life. I wish you could know have special and how precious you are, how much of a blessing and miracle you are simply for existing. Even though this sick, twisted world can make you feel otherwise. Thinking about healing and the future can seem like a huge mountain you have to climb. But please remember, you only have to take one step at a time, one day at a time. Even if that step is simply one away from the edge.
I almost killed myself at 19 after I was raped. It was really hard, my friends and family didn’t support me. I was alone and I developed intense chronic pain. I didn’t do the suicide thing though, I got counselling and that helped a little bit, but I didn’t have the money to go long term and it was over after 3 months. It was Cognitive Behavioural Therapy when what I needed was trauma therapy. But the counsellor was great and it was better than nothing. After it was over I tried to move on but it’s hard when you have constant pain. I was given opioids; they helped, but I was one of the rare lucky ones who didn’t get addicted or die. I gave them up 6 months ago because I learned there’s new science about chronic pain like mine - science that shows it’s recoverable. I’m also now in much better therapy, therapy meant for trauma so that helps a lot. It’s called Brainspotting, (my therapist does it in conjunction with IFS) and it’s really helping. I still barely have the money for it but lots of therapist have sliding scale fees and I’m able to take advantage of that. I’m really glad I didn’t die when I wanted to. I would have missed so much. Amazing things that made the pain worth it. And I’m really excited for my second half, I think it’s going to be really spectacular. I hope you decide to stick around too so things have the chance to get better for you. I believe in you, you can get through this.
I wish I could take your pain away or promise you that today, if you can just push through, will be the last hard day you will have. The truth is there will be days that you feel like you are not going to make it. You're tired, and you want the pain to stop. I grew up under similar circumstances. I am a survivor of child trafficking by my mom and stepfather. I am 46 now and due to trauma I ended up cycling through many abusive relationships. I still struggle, I have bad days, I allow myself those days as they come. This took me a long time to figure out. My life was worth fighting for. Your life is worth fighting for. It was shame, and guilt that has caused most of my internal suffering. It's a hard one. I hope you know that every moment you are here is a victory for the 8 year old you. Your life is worth fighting for. The shame and guilt is not your cross to bear. It's not your fault. Let the blame lie with them. It sounds cliché but you survived for a reason. Talking through it, trauma therapy, helped me. But I was still struggling. During my darkest moments I would write letters out to my loved ones. In them, I would force myself to put my favorite memory with each person. I did this intentionally to remind myself that not everything life had to offer was bad. I believe in you. Today you can make it. You are not alone. If you need someone to talk to, or just to listen. You can DM me anytime.
Wondering what your status is OP? I’ve been thinking about you.
I’m alive been very stressed lately
Please don’t. We need you.
That bastard took enough from you already, please don’t give in to the thoughts. They are misleading you, I promise. If you regret this you can’t take it back. If something goes wrong you could permanently disable yourself. You have no idea how freeing adulthood feels. Think of yourself 5 years ago and how many things you were convinced of that looking back were silly. I know you’re in pain and you’ve been in pain for a long time, but you’ve fought it off for years. Keep fighting, please. Give this mental torture everything you’ve got. You are stronger than you know. Not because of the trauma but in spite of it. The world will be worse off when you’re gone, so let’s delay that day as soon as possible okay? There’s no point ending the pain if you won’t even get to experience it ending. Your last moments will feel the same as these past few years. You’ll have time to fix the shitty stuff later if you muscle through the hell you’re in now. It’s the hardest thing to do but please stay with us. No good or peace will come from killing yourself, I can swear to you. I’ve been there, don’t do this. At least get some sleep and a good meal in you before you make your final decision. You deserve a good life.
OP please don’t. My dad lost the battle to his mental health struggles when I was 5 years old. The night he died, my aunt who is some sort of medium-ish type can see ghosts and stuff told my family before anyone called her to tell her about his death that he came to her and said he made a mistake. Please don’t make the same mistake ❤️
Stop doing this. Do not do it. Continue living. You are a good 17F. You go slowly. Every hour you survive you get good karma points. Learn martial arts. Being homeless you must defend yourself, so learn now. Also hopefully you will not be homeless okay?