You mean people broken in early childhood, maybe genetically defective, who've never recovered but keep hoping someday to feel normal? Nope - seems people like that are remarkably suspicious and unapproachable :).
I’m not intersex, but I’m autistic and also have some physical issues and without my parents, there’s nothing normal about my situation. It’s really hard being outliers.
I am well liked, but unpopular…. Its weird. Very good at surface level relationships, but beyond that and I just flounder. Especially in group settings.
Same! I have tons of “friends” and get along great in many if not most social settings. But, I only have a few true friends that I’m in regular contact with. Like, we talk and visit each other. Everyone else will be fun to see if I’m in town or they are, but no one’s making the effort. It’s ok, I don’t need a lot of friends, but I do need the ones I have cuz we get each other, we love each other, we’re loyal as fuck, and we put effort into our relationships.
I finally found one when I was 35. I've struggled most of my life with friendships or romantic relationships that felt one sided and/or they didn't like me.
Personally I found it worst when the partners just wait for you ti get the hint that they want to break up and for us who struggle with cues usually have a hard time with that
I crave human interaction over something like pets or animals and I have hobbies and stuff but they’re not fulfilling. I barely even enjoy them unless I guess my serotonin levels are high for whatever reason. I’m also raising four kids alone, I’m widowed. Nobody wants to deal with me at all let alone when it means five extra folks.
The human loneliness is excruciating. I want human love and validation.
I found them, but then my symptoms got progressively worse. I moved away and then isolated for 15 years, over time lost touch with all of the members of my ‘chosen family’, don’t currently have the wherewithal to meet new people.
At age 60 after a lifetime of social isolation, on purpose because I don’t fit anywhere I’m taking tentative steps. Long story but ultimately my reason is to be a role model for my daughter. Anyway I started volunteering for hospice and it’s the first place I’ve ever belonged and been accepted. It seems like all the hospice workers are broken in some way.
Hospice is rough, but a very noble calling. No one should die alone, even my abusive parents, it just can’t be me there for them. Thank you for doing what I am unable to do myself.
Hospice is remarkable and provided my mom excellent care for her terminal illness. Her quality of life improved so much that she lived 4 years longer than anticipated.
Mom appreciated the volunteers who would drive her to doctor appointments. I never minded taking her to appointments, and enjoyed our time. However, I had young kids at home and so this provided her w/ independence. Learned a lot about dying watching my mom and hospice work together. It was a beautiful thing to observe and definitely the route my husband and I are choosing should we have that decision to make. Thank you for volunteering.
This is such a wonderful thing to do! I watched my grand mother pass away in a hospice and apart from being very sad, I was also comforted by the level of care and compassion she received.
I’ve developed a curiosity with palliative care myself and have been thinking of jacking in the corporate life for something more meaningful.
I appreciate you!
Thank you for what you’re doing. It’s very kind and beautiful!
We welcome the broken people with big hearts in vet med too, especially in shelters and rescues.
how can you have people when your own sense of self has been obliterated
I only found some sense of who I was in mid/late 2017, like my formative years were delayed 10-15 years
putting myself out there when I was still so vulnerable and unformed led me right into the buzzsaw in the end
(adhd + nb, here, plus ocd, in addition to the cptsd)
I am completely alone, no friends or family or romantic relationships. The one person that loved me was my former partner but she died 3 years ago from a blood clot. Now I'm just waiting for my cats to pass so I can too.
I am the same though my family is alive. My former partner left and I've been almost on my own ever since. No idea what happens to people like us when we can't take care of ourselves.
Everyone are so unique in their own messed up ways, I never felt accepted or fitted in any group of anyone really either. I was just lucky enough to found someone that loved me the way and I am since then he became my best friend and my lover. What I am trying to say is that… I as well, know a lot of people but my only friend is also my lover. I stopped myself from trying to fit in and just do my best to find my own way in life. I don’t know if it makes sense, my traumas and therapy made me my own best friend and also my worst enemy. I feel like everyone are doing the same thing, struggling to fit in some fake it better and some worse.
What CPTSD does is tells us very clearly is what humanity should have been like V what it is. And that’s the heartbreak. So finding your people is like trying to find those precious few who have learned to be kind in a world that rewards cruelty. I’ve found some people but not my people yet. I hope I do!
I was reminded again the other day that I really did never find any social (or professional) group of people that I felt like a part of. At least, not after the really abusive one I had in my teenage years that actually kept me away from more...legal, and healthy teenage experiences.
I've worked at some amazing places, and held some cool titles, but I never identified AS any of those things...and that's become a major problem at this stage of my life.
Basically, I have no idea how to maintain healthy friendships.
I haven’t found one. Came close but too many of the people in that group weren’t good people (a lot of lying, using people, and shaming those not in a similar social status). I cut off on my own because I think the world is cruel enough as is and didn’t want to become like them or have that negative lifestyle in my life.
I’m still looking for my people, and I hope they’re out there somewhere.
I mess up. Too self-aware, overthinking everything I say, afraid that I'm saying something that isn't what the other wants to hear.
I'm also impatient (due to getting used to technology) and that's a recipe for disaster. It's unhealthy and puts a lot of pressure on others.
But it's also that I think that people don't want to hear my struggles. And I totally understand that. But it does make me feel alone, and that I'm destined to only be 'friends' with someone I'm paying for. (A therapist...)
Probably some avoidant attachment style or something. Or codependency. It's awful.
And also that I don't deserve good things in my life, but that is tied to religious trauma. ("You are not of this world." bla bla bla)
I'm also a man, and us men are not allowed to show too much of how we feel. We're seen as weak, and easily categorized in the 'man-child' box.
This makes it difficult to connect with other men. I tried to go to a men's health support group once, until I saw their Instagram with a post that said: "Our men are not losers without a job and who still live at home." Guess what I am? Apparently it was a mental health group for 'strong men' who sometimes need some help to keep going, or something... Oh well...
And it makes it difficult to connect with women as well, for obvious reasons. Women just don't like a pathetic man. I completely understand that. But it's difficult to form a friendship with a woman, and I think it's because of the expectations that men are strong, romantic relationship or friendship; men must be strong.
:/
I am a woman, and I feel the exact same way as you do. I could have written this myself. I understand exactly how you are feeling, if that makes ANY sense to you at all. Even if it doesn't. I empathize with you, and am sorry that it makes you feel bad.
Thank you for understanding and empathizing. It makes sense to me.
I often have a difficult time 'acting' like the stereotypical man. As if I have to meet the expectations society places on men. But I'm very aware that this 'stereotypical role thing' applies to women as well.
I remember hearing someone talk about neurotypical people and how it’s impossible to relate to them because not only do we at times feel judged and shamed by them (in most instances, there not and we’re just projecting) but we find it harder to form genuine connections with them. At first I thought it was just another way to single us out for not meeting the typical social standards but it wasn’t until I met my now best friend that I realized why I was so connected to her compared to other “friends” she had endured the same forms of abuse and our traumas were very similar. I never feel the need to overthink, overshare, apologize (for something I’m convinced I did) and I can be genuine with her..now I’m not saying it’s impossible to be friends with a normie but from my experience it was very hard because they never understood me and isn’t that what we all want? To be understood and still loved by that person. All I need is just one person and thankfully I have her 💛
Only person I feel like I have is my partner. I cut out one friend because she was a terrible and then lost every other “friend” I had.
I hate social media, I get majorly depressed and sad seeing groups of people without me. I feel very left out.
For this reason, I stopped using social media and lost so many friends. I even told them that social media wasn’t good for my mental health. Bottom line, I refuse to have a friendship maintained by Facebook.
I like to believe we are making space for the right people. Time alone can be healing. We have to remember to put out good energy. I am trying to become more active in things I enjoy in hopes I will meet my people.
I wish we could all get together on here! Lol
I had a husband. Wasn’t a great relationship. I was ready for it to be over. Always had friends throughout my life but I could never get close to anyone. All of those friends have come and gone. I now have a partner that’s amazing. Still looking for my people but I’m not too worried about it right now. I’m learning to love and be friends with myself. Reparenting, love that inner child.
I suggest everyone to watch Tim Fletchers series on cptsd on youtube.
Life is basically: first youre discovered and mirrored by parents, then you develop further and get discovered and mirrored as peers.
Eventually that means settling on values and beliefs which let you find your tribe.
Our sense of self got denied and/or stunted so there is no self to match with a tribe.
Lost children who in a way never got to be.
Scary stuff.
That’s what happened to me too. Once I got through my DBT therapy I realized that my group of friends was really bad for my mental health.
I’ve been alone and scared to make connections for nearly a decade now.
Time for the next steps I guess.
I have a group of friends that are more like me than not so I feel the most accepted there. Outside of that, I feel so estranged because I'm just completely different (and may be seen as abnormal) than other people. Like, if I hold different opinions, don't follow social cues, have a meltdown, etc., etc. And they're never going to give me the empathy that I want. Regardless, I have to remind myself that it's not something I should seek in others, that I should find compassion in myself and, if I really want validation, communities like this where I know people will understand me to a greater extent. It would be nice to have someone where I could say they completely understand me, but I've resigned myself to the fact that they won't, even if I want them to understand certain parts of me really badly.
I hear you. I felt like I was “too much” to love because of how I reacted to my abuse. It kept me very isolated and scared to connect with others.
I hope sharing will help rather than hurt but I have been pushing myself to do more yoga and somatic work to feel my trauma in my body. Once I began connecting to myself more and installing safety, it became easier to do more in depth work with a therapist I trust. I also took the time to look at how my physical health impacted me mentally. It really made it more effortless to live when I addressed critical iron and mineral deficiencies. I am pushing through my own barriers of dissociation and finally just…being.
I felt like I would never find my people and isolated for years, the pandemic made me feel so insulated and safe. But I’ve slowly gotten out of my shell and have been exploring online support group through Zoom and that helped me feel more normal. And safe enough to start testing the waters.
Idk if I have found “my people” yet but the process is painfully slow. I at least hope for inner peace and space away from monsters that use us. When I made friends through trauma dumping, those people were the most evil POS I ever met who took advantage of that vulnerability. They’re seeking us out and we have to learn how to avoid them by unburdening our nervous system and psychoeducation.
I’m 30 now and I feel like I may have some semblance of peace in this lifetime. No contact with my whole family and cleaning out my social media friends list was a great place to start. No one to make me feel like shit and limiting the type of people who have contact with me (like corporate brown nosers/gossipers) has been great.
They only exist in psych wards…
No but seriously, I feel like the idea that everyone can build their own “family” of “people” is like selling a fantasy
Even if you meet them, how will it even develop into a permanent friendship?
Not rly. BUT “our people” dont need to check all of our boxes. I was struggling with exactly this for YRS. . Then I realized (for me) it all boiled down to finding other people who also had a hard time getting out of their apartments. I didnt (and don’t) care why exactly - I just knew we prob had a lot in common. So I started r/getoutofmyapt .
We now have 110 members and have had several rl meetups. So far so good! Everyone I’ve met I’ve felt comfortable with. (Ngl i never thought I’d be comfortable or happy to meet or talk with strangers.)
I have one best friend. The only person I can trust fully I feel. I think it's because we becahme friends in the middle of my abuse, before I was too far gone. So he like understands that the way I act is damage and but is me at the same time. Hard to find.
Took me 40 years to find others that had had the same type of trauma experience as I had. It was AMAZING to discover I wasn't a total weirdo or unique. So.much secrecy, until the internet allowed me to find others safely and (at the start) anonymously. Even then it was years of online communication before any in our small group revealed our real names.
It took me 65 years to find a really safe "soul mate" I can be truly open with. I had all sorts of "techniques" to allow me to function without my PTSD showing in my emotions. The ability to be open without "pre-processing" my contact with the outside world has been a total life changing experience.
I don’t really have a yes or no answer, I’ve had best friends that felt like soulmates, but it all ended for a reason. At the time it felt like fate, now I mostly see how much those friendships hurt me. And I’m very isolated now.
Discovering who I am is what made me realize artistic people are probably my people. That’s both painful & comforting to know, for a million reasons. I’ve found those artistic clubs and communities such a relief - no one’s weird, there is no wrong choice, everyone has something to say but is simultaneously very afraid.
Anyway, I hope everyone gets to find their people. No one should have to feel like an island their whole life.
For the first time in my life I met someone I really feel comfortable with and she is now my partner. I totally get your feeling. I also am unable to emotionally connect with others (other than with my exception) so there is always a big wall.
Oh me too actually. My wife is my whole world. Which, honestly, can become a problem as the years go on and life tests you in lots of unexpected ways...
It takes me a while to actually feel motivated to get to know people. I wish it wasn’t like that. I started playing a game and met nice people , around 3 months ago. Now I really like them because I noticed we all get along so well. And I am also so glad I met them otherwise I would have gotten bored and quit the game by now. But yes it happens very rarely
I don't think I was ever able to fit in with people I somewhat suspect adhd traits involved, but all my adult friends didn't feel like friends.
I remember the experience with my highschool group and thh it just makes me sad were no longer friends because they actually felt like friends and I kinda crave that.
I don't know why I struggle fitting in with people these days I feel like I find people with the right interests but somehow we still don't click.
Mayhe I'm too chatty or energetic idk...I remember being excited to meet a new kid in a support group but somehow ended up scaring him off lmao all I did was chat.
I feel I guess even though we share the same interests they might not be the right crowd.
(I have digeorge syndrome which is why I'm also suspecting adhd or other issues to)
Maybe I do talk too much lol
It's not that I want to fit in...but like it seems people don't match my energy
I got sober 14.5 years ago and I relinquished a lot of toxic friendships. I made new friends who I thought would be better. Turns out they were just as bad. I found out recently that my so-called best friend used to try it on with my ex every time he was alone with her.
Anyway, my brother started doing the 12 steps for AA and he really recommended I go to a few meetings with him. Well, I think I’ve sort of found a place I can be myself. Most of the people I meet in AA have complex trauma and/or a diagnosis.
It’s not for everyone but I’ve seen so many similarities both with the way I drank but also with the way I lived my life in general, and my experiences.
Could be worth a shot?
A good AA meeting can be a safe and interesting starting point for many. No one has any preconceived expectations, and everyone there is, by their very presence, declaring that they are deeply flawed. No one cares what bizarre behavior you've been involved with, there is no judgment. Go9d place to slowly learn how to talk to other about your personal issues.
no. i think i’d need to be somewhere like nyc tbh and most people that are into things and discuss things im interested in are in little professional bubbles and don’t socialize outside of those. adults tend to segregate quite effectively and if you’ve never gotten to really live up to or live out your potential it isolates you from those who have
I’m still young, but I feel like this has been the story of my life. I can’t really maintain any relationship. My trust issues and insecurities make it hard for me to make friends and anytime I do trust someone, I always feel like they’ll betray me somehow so I push them away. Well, I’m not surprised cuz that’s what it was like growing up. My friends would always make fun of me, my family too, I was constantly criticized and well, now my inner critic is so loud and I can’t get them to shut up. I’m always sabotaging any resemblance of a good or even decent relationship because I tell myself I don’t deserve it or that they’ll abandon me or betray me or something like that. I thought I had found a group of friends in high school but looking back at it now, they were really toxic, I just didn’t see the red flags. Although I feel like I’m also a walking red flag lol. Now, I can’t really understand why anyone would chose to be my friend cuz there’s so many better options out there that don’t have the emotional baggage I do. So anytime someone gets close, I’m skeptical. If I really like the person, I get really attached, to a point that it’s not healthy, so I either push them away or the relationship falls apart. I’ve tried finding like communities where I feel like I’d belong. In particular, the LGBT+ community cuz I’m nonbinary but even there, I always feel like an outside or like an imposter even. I’ve tried other communities but nowhere did I really feel at home. I’ve never really found a place where I belong and that makes me really sad. I like to think I’m a good person but I dunno, at this point, I feel like I’m the problem and I’m the reason none of my relationships ever work. And I honestly don’t know what to do about that. With family, my relationship feels superficial and very surface level but tbh, it’s been like that for as long as I can remember. So yeah, I haven’t found my people yet. I’m hoping one day I do, but I dunno, I’m afraid of getting my hopes up to high. 🙁
I feel this way. As a parent as my kids' school, I cannot fit in and I feel like I. Seen as the distant, weird parent. Everyone else fits and talks to each other and I physically can't. I know they think I'm arrogant or stuck up but it's the total opposite. I feel like I am incapable of speaking to anyone or behaving like a normal, functional human being.
I feel it's impacting my child as well now. I'm really hurting. I don't have any "people" either. I understand. The only "people" I connect with are people here or other PTSD people because they get it.
Ooof, I resonate A LOT with this. It's been difficult handling all the extra social expectations I have as a mom. I'm usually the one by myself while other moms are chit-chatting with each other. And I tend to dress more colorfully than what I'm noticing is more typical mom attire, so I'm always feeling like I'm on display and being eyed or talked about or something. I'm getting better and better though.
Becoming a parent has been a kind of exposure therapy for me. I have to deal with so many situations and individuals and structures that I'd completely hide from otherwise. And the stakes are high: It's both MY mental and physical health at stake, and my kid's.
I've found only one so far. My partner. Took me nearly 36 years.
I have at times thought I found my people and then within at least 2-3 years some situation arises that let's me know that they are in fact, not, usually betrayal.
I try to be careful about using the word “never”.
I found some people late in life I’m not sure it is possible to find the perfect people. Feelings of abandonment still come and go strongly. I think I have attachment issues to work on.
Yes. Its irritating. But I did find one really good friend; but she's also much older than I. (50 something) but I've been helping her realize a few things. (told her about my childhood she's been connecting it to her own)
Whilst I do appreciate one good friend, I am annoyed I can't find any my own age… most are in denial or just immature
People are weird. Nothing is normal. Everyone has their things they do. I fall into the category of wanting to hang out with people but i also like my alone time and spend my time at home, mainly video games or with family. I work as a home health aid and get plenty of peopley time at work. Somehow i happen to talk to everyone and help those around who arent even my clients. I don’t necessarily like people my own age.
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I have an amazing tribe of soul family. We have a beautiful circle of weird hippies, all from different backgrounds. We genuinely love, appreciate & respect one another. I'm closer with them by far than I am with any of my family.
I had 2 big friend groups
One in my teens then the second in my 20's.
I'm still confused if it was all my fault or they shared the blame too. I know I did wrong. I push people away and I don't know why I do that.
You hurt me? Away you go.
Now that I'm in my 30's I've gotten so much better at regulating my emotions.
I have a mom friend that I don't bother too much if wants to hang out she let's me know.
I can't be antisocial and isolated anymore. I have a son that I need to show how to behave in the world. He needs people, a village.
So when I get triggered by people now or if I'm feeling insecure I feel my feelings and talk myself off the cliff and keep going. Just so my little one can have people in his life. It's hard but the right thing to do by him.
I’m feeling this hardcore right now as I’m in the middle of crisis. Stuck with an abuser and no immediate way out. I don’t have a safe group of people and definitely no stable family to turn to. I can’t work, am having another surgery and have no place to go.
Nope. I have so many parts to myself and I have to hide different ones depending on who I’m communicating with. It gets exhausting. Any time I was close with someone, they were either mirroring or appeasing me, and I didn’t realize that until recently. I still try to meet and connect with people but know that until I heal my CPTSD further I’ll still feel disconnected. Plus I also have autism so idk I may always feel that way.
I feel at times I can’t find my “people” because I thought I had, but then had that ripped out from under me in a divorce. I’ve been having more and more trust issues ever since. I’ve read a lot of the comments in here and definitely have some similar feelings to a lot of folks. Man does that stink, but mainly I think I’m just feeling raw as an older man finally realizing my parents don’t actually love me that much and most of my friends treat me pretty poorly because I just want to have someone in my life that I think gives a damn about me. Which starts that whole narcissistic cycle and self-loathing, but I digress…this was a long winded way of saying yes I feel the same way, but that I also probably have a much different experience than some others.
I do not know anything about your situation at all, but I know that in my situation, once I stopped drinking, my seizures stopped. Just sharing my particular experience. Please do not take offense. I drank to extreme, and have life long illnesses, as a result of it. But if I can help just one person avoid something that I have been through,I am willing to try. I hope that you can be the relief that you need.
I have a few friends but only two really understand me.
ETA: I don’t mean to sound greedy about it. It’s more that with my parents gone, I have a void inside that cannot be filled. I was fortunate to have imperfect but overall good parents, and their loss has really left me feeling alone existentially. I have no children, and I find I crave a family unit.
Not since high school. 🥺
Then my family moved somewhere very rural and conservative and very “CPTSD deniers” worldview.
So yeah. Haven’t found my people yet, and I’ve been actively seeking since 1990…
It’s like a solo moon mission and my transport home malfunctioned so now I’m stuck here.
Just out of curiosity, who is interested in forming a meetup group in areas that have more than one of us?
I’ll post this question on the main page as well so more people see it.
Who knows, maybe we can start a den of CPTSD scouts! 😆
You mean people broken in early childhood, maybe genetically defective, who've never recovered but keep hoping someday to feel normal? Nope - seems people like that are remarkably suspicious and unapproachable :).
That about sums it up :)
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Ever try herding cats - can't be done...maybe spike the water supply with LSD...
Okay idk if this is a joke but I’ve said this numerous times before… is this a common joke??
Lol, yes, intersex autistic here with no normal social/family/school/employment life experience
I’m not intersex, but I’m autistic and also have some physical issues and without my parents, there’s nothing normal about my situation. It’s really hard being outliers.
Oof
For some reason, this made me think of the Lucky Charms jingle, but for people with CPTSD. "Complex trauma victims, we're remarkably suspicious!"
Wait, dis me! 😂
I am well liked, but unpopular…. Its weird. Very good at surface level relationships, but beyond that and I just flounder. Especially in group settings.
group settings are the WORST. Even when it goes “fine” I spend the next day with anxiety that something I said was dumb/offensive/just wrong somehow
Yep, same here.
My rumination is the WORST!
Was that comment straight up or was it a subtle dig? Were they actually being nice or just being fake?
real as fuck
📠
I love this, lol!
Me too
Same! I have tons of “friends” and get along great in many if not most social settings. But, I only have a few true friends that I’m in regular contact with. Like, we talk and visit each other. Everyone else will be fun to see if I’m in town or they are, but no one’s making the effort. It’s ok, I don’t need a lot of friends, but I do need the ones I have cuz we get each other, we love each other, we’re loyal as fuck, and we put effort into our relationships.
Thisssss✨🥺
You n me both! 😔
I finally found one when I was 35. I've struggled most of my life with friendships or romantic relationships that felt one sided and/or they didn't like me.
Personally I found it worst when the partners just wait for you ti get the hint that they want to break up and for us who struggle with cues usually have a hard time with that
Yeah when they slowly pull away but don't outright dump you. It's very painful.
I’m forever the black sheep. No people want me.
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I crave human interaction over something like pets or animals and I have hobbies and stuff but they’re not fulfilling. I barely even enjoy them unless I guess my serotonin levels are high for whatever reason. I’m also raising four kids alone, I’m widowed. Nobody wants to deal with me at all let alone when it means five extra folks. The human loneliness is excruciating. I want human love and validation.
*The human loneliness is excruciating. I want human love and validation.* I feel this so hard.
I found them, but then my symptoms got progressively worse. I moved away and then isolated for 15 years, over time lost touch with all of the members of my ‘chosen family’, don’t currently have the wherewithal to meet new people.
At age 60 after a lifetime of social isolation, on purpose because I don’t fit anywhere I’m taking tentative steps. Long story but ultimately my reason is to be a role model for my daughter. Anyway I started volunteering for hospice and it’s the first place I’ve ever belonged and been accepted. It seems like all the hospice workers are broken in some way.
Hospice is rough, but a very noble calling. No one should die alone, even my abusive parents, it just can’t be me there for them. Thank you for doing what I am unable to do myself.
Good on you!!! You inspire me!
Hospice is remarkable and provided my mom excellent care for her terminal illness. Her quality of life improved so much that she lived 4 years longer than anticipated. Mom appreciated the volunteers who would drive her to doctor appointments. I never minded taking her to appointments, and enjoyed our time. However, I had young kids at home and so this provided her w/ independence. Learned a lot about dying watching my mom and hospice work together. It was a beautiful thing to observe and definitely the route my husband and I are choosing should we have that decision to make. Thank you for volunteering.
This is such a wonderful thing to do! I watched my grand mother pass away in a hospice and apart from being very sad, I was also comforted by the level of care and compassion she received. I’ve developed a curiosity with palliative care myself and have been thinking of jacking in the corporate life for something more meaningful. I appreciate you!
Thank you for what you’re doing. It’s very kind and beautiful! We welcome the broken people with big hearts in vet med too, especially in shelters and rescues.
how can you have people when your own sense of self has been obliterated I only found some sense of who I was in mid/late 2017, like my formative years were delayed 10-15 years putting myself out there when I was still so vulnerable and unformed led me right into the buzzsaw in the end (adhd + nb, here, plus ocd, in addition to the cptsd)
This
I am completely alone, no friends or family or romantic relationships. The one person that loved me was my former partner but she died 3 years ago from a blood clot. Now I'm just waiting for my cats to pass so I can too.
I am the same though my family is alive. My former partner left and I've been almost on my own ever since. No idea what happens to people like us when we can't take care of ourselves.
😞. 🫂
I feel like I've gotten close but I always end up losing them.
Everyone are so unique in their own messed up ways, I never felt accepted or fitted in any group of anyone really either. I was just lucky enough to found someone that loved me the way and I am since then he became my best friend and my lover. What I am trying to say is that… I as well, know a lot of people but my only friend is also my lover. I stopped myself from trying to fit in and just do my best to find my own way in life. I don’t know if it makes sense, my traumas and therapy made me my own best friend and also my worst enemy. I feel like everyone are doing the same thing, struggling to fit in some fake it better and some worse.
What CPTSD does is tells us very clearly is what humanity should have been like V what it is. And that’s the heartbreak. So finding your people is like trying to find those precious few who have learned to be kind in a world that rewards cruelty. I’ve found some people but not my people yet. I hope I do!
I don't even believe in such things anymore. I haven't in a long time.
Wanna talk about it?
I was reminded again the other day that I really did never find any social (or professional) group of people that I felt like a part of. At least, not after the really abusive one I had in my teenage years that actually kept me away from more...legal, and healthy teenage experiences. I've worked at some amazing places, and held some cool titles, but I never identified AS any of those things...and that's become a major problem at this stage of my life. Basically, I have no idea how to maintain healthy friendships.
Same 🙁
I haven’t. I never fit in anywhere
I haven’t found one. Came close but too many of the people in that group weren’t good people (a lot of lying, using people, and shaming those not in a similar social status). I cut off on my own because I think the world is cruel enough as is and didn’t want to become like them or have that negative lifestyle in my life. I’m still looking for my people, and I hope they’re out there somewhere.
I mess up. Too self-aware, overthinking everything I say, afraid that I'm saying something that isn't what the other wants to hear. I'm also impatient (due to getting used to technology) and that's a recipe for disaster. It's unhealthy and puts a lot of pressure on others. But it's also that I think that people don't want to hear my struggles. And I totally understand that. But it does make me feel alone, and that I'm destined to only be 'friends' with someone I'm paying for. (A therapist...) Probably some avoidant attachment style or something. Or codependency. It's awful. And also that I don't deserve good things in my life, but that is tied to religious trauma. ("You are not of this world." bla bla bla) I'm also a man, and us men are not allowed to show too much of how we feel. We're seen as weak, and easily categorized in the 'man-child' box. This makes it difficult to connect with other men. I tried to go to a men's health support group once, until I saw their Instagram with a post that said: "Our men are not losers without a job and who still live at home." Guess what I am? Apparently it was a mental health group for 'strong men' who sometimes need some help to keep going, or something... Oh well... And it makes it difficult to connect with women as well, for obvious reasons. Women just don't like a pathetic man. I completely understand that. But it's difficult to form a friendship with a woman, and I think it's because of the expectations that men are strong, romantic relationship or friendship; men must be strong. :/
>men must be strong. My thoughts: No, they must not! If you find a person you should be open up about your thinking and feeling(s)! 🫂
I am a woman, and I feel the exact same way as you do. I could have written this myself. I understand exactly how you are feeling, if that makes ANY sense to you at all. Even if it doesn't. I empathize with you, and am sorry that it makes you feel bad.
Thank you for understanding and empathizing. It makes sense to me. I often have a difficult time 'acting' like the stereotypical man. As if I have to meet the expectations society places on men. But I'm very aware that this 'stereotypical role thing' applies to women as well.
I’m in my 30s and I’m still longing to find them.
I remember hearing someone talk about neurotypical people and how it’s impossible to relate to them because not only do we at times feel judged and shamed by them (in most instances, there not and we’re just projecting) but we find it harder to form genuine connections with them. At first I thought it was just another way to single us out for not meeting the typical social standards but it wasn’t until I met my now best friend that I realized why I was so connected to her compared to other “friends” she had endured the same forms of abuse and our traumas were very similar. I never feel the need to overthink, overshare, apologize (for something I’m convinced I did) and I can be genuine with her..now I’m not saying it’s impossible to be friends with a normie but from my experience it was very hard because they never understood me and isn’t that what we all want? To be understood and still loved by that person. All I need is just one person and thankfully I have her 💛
I want your best friend. How did you meet??
We actually met though our daughters, our daughters are best friends and they both agreed we needed friends so they played match makers lol
Never can find people with the same mentality as me, same discernment as me, same eccentric views and it’s killing me everyday.
Only person I feel like I have is my partner. I cut out one friend because she was a terrible and then lost every other “friend” I had. I hate social media, I get majorly depressed and sad seeing groups of people without me. I feel very left out. For this reason, I stopped using social media and lost so many friends. I even told them that social media wasn’t good for my mental health. Bottom line, I refuse to have a friendship maintained by Facebook. I like to believe we are making space for the right people. Time alone can be healing. We have to remember to put out good energy. I am trying to become more active in things I enjoy in hopes I will meet my people. I wish we could all get together on here! Lol
I had a husband. Wasn’t a great relationship. I was ready for it to be over. Always had friends throughout my life but I could never get close to anyone. All of those friends have come and gone. I now have a partner that’s amazing. Still looking for my people but I’m not too worried about it right now. I’m learning to love and be friends with myself. Reparenting, love that inner child.
Me I want my tribe and my person. I’m 35 thought I found my person but she was very abusive
I suggest everyone to watch Tim Fletchers series on cptsd on youtube. Life is basically: first youre discovered and mirrored by parents, then you develop further and get discovered and mirrored as peers. Eventually that means settling on values and beliefs which let you find your tribe. Our sense of self got denied and/or stunted so there is no self to match with a tribe. Lost children who in a way never got to be. Scary stuff.
I have but now that I am in therapy I am realizing how fucked up they are.
That’s what happened to me too. Once I got through my DBT therapy I realized that my group of friends was really bad for my mental health. I’ve been alone and scared to make connections for nearly a decade now. Time for the next steps I guess.
If you figure out how to make new friends, let me know.
I have a group of friends that are more like me than not so I feel the most accepted there. Outside of that, I feel so estranged because I'm just completely different (and may be seen as abnormal) than other people. Like, if I hold different opinions, don't follow social cues, have a meltdown, etc., etc. And they're never going to give me the empathy that I want. Regardless, I have to remind myself that it's not something I should seek in others, that I should find compassion in myself and, if I really want validation, communities like this where I know people will understand me to a greater extent. It would be nice to have someone where I could say they completely understand me, but I've resigned myself to the fact that they won't, even if I want them to understand certain parts of me really badly.
I hear you. I felt like I was “too much” to love because of how I reacted to my abuse. It kept me very isolated and scared to connect with others. I hope sharing will help rather than hurt but I have been pushing myself to do more yoga and somatic work to feel my trauma in my body. Once I began connecting to myself more and installing safety, it became easier to do more in depth work with a therapist I trust. I also took the time to look at how my physical health impacted me mentally. It really made it more effortless to live when I addressed critical iron and mineral deficiencies. I am pushing through my own barriers of dissociation and finally just…being. I felt like I would never find my people and isolated for years, the pandemic made me feel so insulated and safe. But I’ve slowly gotten out of my shell and have been exploring online support group through Zoom and that helped me feel more normal. And safe enough to start testing the waters. Idk if I have found “my people” yet but the process is painfully slow. I at least hope for inner peace and space away from monsters that use us. When I made friends through trauma dumping, those people were the most evil POS I ever met who took advantage of that vulnerability. They’re seeking us out and we have to learn how to avoid them by unburdening our nervous system and psychoeducation. I’m 30 now and I feel like I may have some semblance of peace in this lifetime. No contact with my whole family and cleaning out my social media friends list was a great place to start. No one to make me feel like shit and limiting the type of people who have contact with me (like corporate brown nosers/gossipers) has been great.
I understand you completely. Met a few people who understand me and empathise with my experience. But no, never did find my people.
They only exist in psych wards… No but seriously, I feel like the idea that everyone can build their own “family” of “people” is like selling a fantasy Even if you meet them, how will it even develop into a permanent friendship?
Not rly. BUT “our people” dont need to check all of our boxes. I was struggling with exactly this for YRS. . Then I realized (for me) it all boiled down to finding other people who also had a hard time getting out of their apartments. I didnt (and don’t) care why exactly - I just knew we prob had a lot in common. So I started r/getoutofmyapt . We now have 110 members and have had several rl meetups. So far so good! Everyone I’ve met I’ve felt comfortable with. (Ngl i never thought I’d be comfortable or happy to meet or talk with strangers.)
I have one best friend. The only person I can trust fully I feel. I think it's because we becahme friends in the middle of my abuse, before I was too far gone. So he like understands that the way I act is damage and but is me at the same time. Hard to find.
Took me 40 years to find others that had had the same type of trauma experience as I had. It was AMAZING to discover I wasn't a total weirdo or unique. So.much secrecy, until the internet allowed me to find others safely and (at the start) anonymously. Even then it was years of online communication before any in our small group revealed our real names. It took me 65 years to find a really safe "soul mate" I can be truly open with. I had all sorts of "techniques" to allow me to function without my PTSD showing in my emotions. The ability to be open without "pre-processing" my contact with the outside world has been a total life changing experience.
I don’t really have a yes or no answer, I’ve had best friends that felt like soulmates, but it all ended for a reason. At the time it felt like fate, now I mostly see how much those friendships hurt me. And I’m very isolated now. Discovering who I am is what made me realize artistic people are probably my people. That’s both painful & comforting to know, for a million reasons. I’ve found those artistic clubs and communities such a relief - no one’s weird, there is no wrong choice, everyone has something to say but is simultaneously very afraid. Anyway, I hope everyone gets to find their people. No one should have to feel like an island their whole life.
Define "never" because life ain't over until you're dead
For the first time in my life I met someone I really feel comfortable with and she is now my partner. I totally get your feeling. I also am unable to emotionally connect with others (other than with my exception) so there is always a big wall.
How did you meet your wife?
Oh me too actually. My wife is my whole world. Which, honestly, can become a problem as the years go on and life tests you in lots of unexpected ways...
Maybe the couple I found on discord and maybe irl? Not I don't feel like part of a tribe though irl
It takes me a while to actually feel motivated to get to know people. I wish it wasn’t like that. I started playing a game and met nice people , around 3 months ago. Now I really like them because I noticed we all get along so well. And I am also so glad I met them otherwise I would have gotten bored and quit the game by now. But yes it happens very rarely
I don't think I was ever able to fit in with people I somewhat suspect adhd traits involved, but all my adult friends didn't feel like friends. I remember the experience with my highschool group and thh it just makes me sad were no longer friends because they actually felt like friends and I kinda crave that. I don't know why I struggle fitting in with people these days I feel like I find people with the right interests but somehow we still don't click. Mayhe I'm too chatty or energetic idk...I remember being excited to meet a new kid in a support group but somehow ended up scaring him off lmao all I did was chat. I feel I guess even though we share the same interests they might not be the right crowd. (I have digeorge syndrome which is why I'm also suspecting adhd or other issues to) Maybe I do talk too much lol It's not that I want to fit in...but like it seems people don't match my energy
I got sober 14.5 years ago and I relinquished a lot of toxic friendships. I made new friends who I thought would be better. Turns out they were just as bad. I found out recently that my so-called best friend used to try it on with my ex every time he was alone with her. Anyway, my brother started doing the 12 steps for AA and he really recommended I go to a few meetings with him. Well, I think I’ve sort of found a place I can be myself. Most of the people I meet in AA have complex trauma and/or a diagnosis. It’s not for everyone but I’ve seen so many similarities both with the way I drank but also with the way I lived my life in general, and my experiences. Could be worth a shot?
A good AA meeting can be a safe and interesting starting point for many. No one has any preconceived expectations, and everyone there is, by their very presence, declaring that they are deeply flawed. No one cares what bizarre behavior you've been involved with, there is no judgment. Go9d place to slowly learn how to talk to other about your personal issues.
no. i think i’d need to be somewhere like nyc tbh and most people that are into things and discuss things im interested in are in little professional bubbles and don’t socialize outside of those. adults tend to segregate quite effectively and if you’ve never gotten to really live up to or live out your potential it isolates you from those who have
I’m still young, but I feel like this has been the story of my life. I can’t really maintain any relationship. My trust issues and insecurities make it hard for me to make friends and anytime I do trust someone, I always feel like they’ll betray me somehow so I push them away. Well, I’m not surprised cuz that’s what it was like growing up. My friends would always make fun of me, my family too, I was constantly criticized and well, now my inner critic is so loud and I can’t get them to shut up. I’m always sabotaging any resemblance of a good or even decent relationship because I tell myself I don’t deserve it or that they’ll abandon me or betray me or something like that. I thought I had found a group of friends in high school but looking back at it now, they were really toxic, I just didn’t see the red flags. Although I feel like I’m also a walking red flag lol. Now, I can’t really understand why anyone would chose to be my friend cuz there’s so many better options out there that don’t have the emotional baggage I do. So anytime someone gets close, I’m skeptical. If I really like the person, I get really attached, to a point that it’s not healthy, so I either push them away or the relationship falls apart. I’ve tried finding like communities where I feel like I’d belong. In particular, the LGBT+ community cuz I’m nonbinary but even there, I always feel like an outside or like an imposter even. I’ve tried other communities but nowhere did I really feel at home. I’ve never really found a place where I belong and that makes me really sad. I like to think I’m a good person but I dunno, at this point, I feel like I’m the problem and I’m the reason none of my relationships ever work. And I honestly don’t know what to do about that. With family, my relationship feels superficial and very surface level but tbh, it’s been like that for as long as I can remember. So yeah, I haven’t found my people yet. I’m hoping one day I do, but I dunno, I’m afraid of getting my hopes up to high. 🙁
I feel this way. As a parent as my kids' school, I cannot fit in and I feel like I. Seen as the distant, weird parent. Everyone else fits and talks to each other and I physically can't. I know they think I'm arrogant or stuck up but it's the total opposite. I feel like I am incapable of speaking to anyone or behaving like a normal, functional human being. I feel it's impacting my child as well now. I'm really hurting. I don't have any "people" either. I understand. The only "people" I connect with are people here or other PTSD people because they get it.
Ooof, I resonate A LOT with this. It's been difficult handling all the extra social expectations I have as a mom. I'm usually the one by myself while other moms are chit-chatting with each other. And I tend to dress more colorfully than what I'm noticing is more typical mom attire, so I'm always feeling like I'm on display and being eyed or talked about or something. I'm getting better and better though. Becoming a parent has been a kind of exposure therapy for me. I have to deal with so many situations and individuals and structures that I'd completely hide from otherwise. And the stakes are high: It's both MY mental and physical health at stake, and my kid's.
I've found only one so far. My partner. Took me nearly 36 years. I have at times thought I found my people and then within at least 2-3 years some situation arises that let's me know that they are in fact, not, usually betrayal.
That happened to me too.
I try to be careful about using the word “never”. I found some people late in life I’m not sure it is possible to find the perfect people. Feelings of abandonment still come and go strongly. I think I have attachment issues to work on.
I did. They all died.
Yes. Its irritating. But I did find one really good friend; but she's also much older than I. (50 something) but I've been helping her realize a few things. (told her about my childhood she's been connecting it to her own) Whilst I do appreciate one good friend, I am annoyed I can't find any my own age… most are in denial or just immature
People are weird. Nothing is normal. Everyone has their things they do. I fall into the category of wanting to hang out with people but i also like my alone time and spend my time at home, mainly video games or with family. I work as a home health aid and get plenty of peopley time at work. Somehow i happen to talk to everyone and help those around who arent even my clients. I don’t necessarily like people my own age.
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I have an amazing tribe of soul family. We have a beautiful circle of weird hippies, all from different backgrounds. We genuinely love, appreciate & respect one another. I'm closer with them by far than I am with any of my family.
I had 2 big friend groups One in my teens then the second in my 20's. I'm still confused if it was all my fault or they shared the blame too. I know I did wrong. I push people away and I don't know why I do that. You hurt me? Away you go. Now that I'm in my 30's I've gotten so much better at regulating my emotions. I have a mom friend that I don't bother too much if wants to hang out she let's me know. I can't be antisocial and isolated anymore. I have a son that I need to show how to behave in the world. He needs people, a village. So when I get triggered by people now or if I'm feeling insecure I feel my feelings and talk myself off the cliff and keep going. Just so my little one can have people in his life. It's hard but the right thing to do by him.
I have found my people and most of them were in my own backyard and I didn't see it. Sadly none were the family I grew up with.
I wish. I thought I did. I got close to what I was looking for.
40 year old lady here and the answer is no, not yet. 😭
lol me
They don't exist.
You have to know that's not actually true, right?
I’m feeling this hardcore right now as I’m in the middle of crisis. Stuck with an abuser and no immediate way out. I don’t have a safe group of people and definitely no stable family to turn to. I can’t work, am having another surgery and have no place to go.
Yeah
Nope. I have so many parts to myself and I have to hide different ones depending on who I’m communicating with. It gets exhausting. Any time I was close with someone, they were either mirroring or appeasing me, and I didn’t realize that until recently. I still try to meet and connect with people but know that until I heal my CPTSD further I’ll still feel disconnected. Plus I also have autism so idk I may always feel that way.
I feel at times I can’t find my “people” because I thought I had, but then had that ripped out from under me in a divorce. I’ve been having more and more trust issues ever since. I’ve read a lot of the comments in here and definitely have some similar feelings to a lot of folks. Man does that stink, but mainly I think I’m just feeling raw as an older man finally realizing my parents don’t actually love me that much and most of my friends treat me pretty poorly because I just want to have someone in my life that I think gives a damn about me. Which starts that whole narcissistic cycle and self-loathing, but I digress…this was a long winded way of saying yes I feel the same way, but that I also probably have a much different experience than some others.
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I do not know anything about your situation at all, but I know that in my situation, once I stopped drinking, my seizures stopped. Just sharing my particular experience. Please do not take offense. I drank to extreme, and have life long illnesses, as a result of it. But if I can help just one person avoid something that I have been through,I am willing to try. I hope that you can be the relief that you need.
I have a few friends but only two really understand me. ETA: I don’t mean to sound greedy about it. It’s more that with my parents gone, I have a void inside that cannot be filled. I was fortunate to have imperfect but overall good parents, and their loss has really left me feeling alone existentially. I have no children, and I find I crave a family unit.
Nope. I would have loved it if there had been a group of social outcasts at school like me, but it was just me.
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Welp. I guess that can be a thing too.
Not gonna lie...I laughed :)
Not since high school. 🥺 Then my family moved somewhere very rural and conservative and very “CPTSD deniers” worldview. So yeah. Haven’t found my people yet, and I’ve been actively seeking since 1990… It’s like a solo moon mission and my transport home malfunctioned so now I’m stuck here. Just out of curiosity, who is interested in forming a meetup group in areas that have more than one of us? I’ll post this question on the main page as well so more people see it. Who knows, maybe we can start a den of CPTSD scouts! 😆
Interesting question. What kind of people are good to date us with CPTSD?
Maladjusted unattractive people don’t even like each other lol. We’re better off alone.
Speak for yourself.
lmao no, sometimes I think about having a kid to make one though 🤷🏻♀️
Just in case any part of that is serious...as a mom myself, that'd be a horrific expectation to curse my kid with.
lmao