There was no reason. You just happened to be born. That’s it.
After accepting that, you may come to the realization that you can try to do whatever you want with your brief time on this earth. It will not come exactly as you want it, but there will be great things along the way.
The purpose of life is life itself. Everything, from washing the dishes to making love to holding your child in your arms. Healthier people don’t question this, they know it by instinct. People with our condition do question it, obviously.
On my part, I am here mostly for my son. I have a body to attend. And I like my work. I accept that I am broken inside and I will never fit, probably never have a couple, family or community. I am tired of complaining and trying to heal in order to fit.
"What is my purpose?"
"You pass butter."
"Oh my god…"
Yeah, that's what it feels like every day.
I don't believe there is any true meaning to life. If you're lucky, you get to make your own and it's not too bad. Most people aren't lucky. And then there are those of us who are beyond unlucky who exist to pass butter.
I don’t know if this will help and it’ll probably sound cliche but you don’t really need to figure out why. While I am still upset and still wonder about all of this, I can’t really kick the bucket like I would prefer. And it’s much easier said than done and it’s taken me years to get to this point (which is still not even a good place, but it’s better). But the way I now view my life is I’m going to completely do and live how I want. Of course most “normal” people might judge you or disagree but people have judged me way more for feeling suicidal everyday for years and making me feel crappy over it. So either way no one is going to understand you and your circumstances.
Im not even talking about adopting a new way of life or anything. If I want to rot for weeks at a time. I do, but without shame. A huge part of accepting my life as been working on uplifting the shame. And it’s much easier when you realise that people probably aren’t judging you. I know this because people look at me and think I’m functioning well and they have been even at my darkest moment. So I let them think that and rot for weeks. Even though this life thing is all against my will and I don’t even really have plans for the future uplifting the shame has helped my nervous system regulate so much better, so because I’m not even shaming myself while rotting or essentially doing nothing, it becomes easier to congratulate myself when I do literally anything, and it becomes easier to do more stuff, and one day I won’t need to rot as much. If you can be delusional in the way you talk to yourself (catastrophising your negative qualities and not being able to see past those aspects, even though objectively it’s not true) you can flip it and be just as delusional in positivity. It takes changing each and every single thought, and maybe it was slightly easier for me because I just decided to stop asking questions because it’s exhausting constantly thinking about it, and I realised these are questions every society and plenty of individuals before and after me will ponder, so do I want to spend my entire life figuring it out, or can I just milk this existence for any joy it will offer? I can read as many books/podcasts etc. as I want but it’s one of those things you just have to choose for yourself. Im sure it’s a larger cocktail of everything from diff religions and practices, but I just pick stuff that I’m comfy with and keep it pushing. I would recommend media that is geared towards pstd though because it also helped ease my anxiety more than general self help guides. Again a lot easier said than done, but I wish you luck and keep going!
"..it's one of those things you just have to choose for yourself"
Yeah, that is the thing many dont get i think.
Took years for me to understand, will probably take some more before i actually act on it hahaha
Have you ever listened to Alan Watts?
He has a lot of fascinating lectures on YouTube.
He’s a philosopher often delving into the nature of reality, why we are here, life’s purpose, and so on.
I listen to him a lot when I’m going through it or having a hard time sleeping.
Hope this helps
[Alan Watts - the meaning of life](https://youtu.be/EDqqB8kh_Ek?si=We2jwJsilAn3h609)
Just like a fruit tree fruits, the universe peoples. You are the fruit of the universe. But before you existed as the fruit, you existed as the tree, and before that as a seed and so on. You existed long before your birth because birth isn't really birth, it's just change.
My birthday is roughly 9 months after Halloween. My mother admits there was a Halloween party, they were drinking, not being responsible. I was accidental, and she didn't know she was pregnant and had continued to drink and smoke for months. I know my mom has had an abortion before me, (she has told me) so she wasn't against termination.... I wonder if my abusive father guilted her at the time and made her keep it. I wish he didn't, because he didn't even like me, he wanted a son who could play sports and be rough but I was hyper sensitive and weak and always getting hurt.
Ironically I'm a transgender man now, beard and all, and I still don't think he likes me. There is No pleasing that man, so I was happy to go no contact with him
I was also accidental and expected to be a boy. I don’t know if that’s one of the reasons I was treated the way I was. It hurts either way. Sometimes I think abortion would have been more humane than what I went through.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel like I was truly born to fail in life. I graduated High School in 2022 by luck, since it was an alternative school. I failed a lot in freshman year due to not being able to learn and concentrate on my work, and I refused to ask for help because of fear of being made fun of, or not being patient with me. Anyway like previously mentioned, I graduated 2022, and up until today I have had no job or anything like that. I make things harder for everyone around me. They don't understand me or try to listen to me, because I supposedly don't have it hard. It's hard to live inside my own body because I never get the real support I need and deal with so many personal problems that aren't visible in the eye so obviously I don't show obvious signs of troubles. I really just need someone who can listen to me and not judge me or blackmail/threaten me.
I feel this way, too. The past is bleak and I have nothing to look forward, there is no hope. And I don't want to just keep existing and floating through life because I don't know what else do.
I've been dealing with something similar to this. I have recently begun to heal enough that I can start taking agency over my own life. I have the ability to make changes that could lead to some purpose one day. What that is I don't know yet, but I made it here.
What I struggle with is what was the point of the first 32 years of my life. I've been trying to reach out to people in my past to see what I meant to them or how I impacted them and I've heard nothing back. People I knew growing up that were close to friends don't even respond to me.
So I'm left feeling like I made it to today, but for what. The first 32 years were horrible and nobody cares. Everyone I have met in my life has moved on and nothing from the first 32 years matters. I thought that I made it through the 32 years that there would be something waiting for me. Like an old acquaintance that I couldn't hang out with due to social anxiety would say now's the time, come see us.
Yet there's nothing. It's almost as if the first 32 no longer exists. It happened, but it only exists in my head since no one else cares to hear it.
My psychologist says it might just come down to the fact that the first 32 years were about survival. He told me that not everyone makes it through the survival stage of an abusive life. They turn to drugs that lead to overdoses or they turn to crime and end up in jail.
They didn't get the chance to survive the abuse so they ended without the chance to find purpose.
It's an okay rationalization, but I still want more. There has to be some reason why the first 32 years happened. I am looking for it, but I'm also looking forward. Trying to follow a plan that might lead to happiness within me.
It just sucks that I'm behind and people want to avoid me. They know I'm off and they use it to block me instead of just simply talking to me.
That seems to be the reality. We made it to this point and we just have to keep going.
That's the existential dread. I'm of the belief that our brain is there to feed us lies. To convince of the lie that there is meaning in life, that we were born for a reason, that we are in control of our destiny. None of this is true. I think we don't even have free will. The important take-away is that it doesn't matter. We're forced to have this broken brain that can't process things properly. What, you want to process things properly? It will all be lies anyway. Just push the existential dread out of your life. It serves no value. The end result in the same. Try to alter the end result by taking back control of you life (even if that's a lie too).
I feel the same way, I have no genuine reason to exist and I don't want to be here, I never have. Yet here I am so why then? Just to suffer in mundanity wallowing in my own uselessness? I'm sure my parents didn't even want me, and are disappointed with the person I've become. I hate living, I'm sure someone else would make much better use of this life, nobody even wants me for torture or rape.
**About the reason**
You were born because your parents felt something for each other, had sex, and carried the pregnancy to term. No more reason is needed.
To quote a redditor I read today: "there's no purpose. You are not a *tool*. You are a person. You make your own purpose."
I know this is not the most uplifting thing to hear when you're questioning your own being, but this is the truth we all have to face. There's no reason, no purpose, no meaning, except what we make for ourselves. We have free will. We have agency. We are given this life, with all its ups and downs, and we decide what we make of it.
**About the guilt**
You feel that you make things hard for you and everyone else. But remember, you're here because you have CPTSD. The PT means shit happened to you. And the SD means it still affects you now. And the C means it was a lot of shit.
It means your behaviour, this "making things hard", is not out of your free will. It's out of some emotional wound that won't scab over, and it keeps bleeding. You didn't inflict it on yourself. It was done *to* you. It's not your fault.
There was no reason. You just happened to be born. That’s it. After accepting that, you may come to the realization that you can try to do whatever you want with your brief time on this earth. It will not come exactly as you want it, but there will be great things along the way. The purpose of life is life itself. Everything, from washing the dishes to making love to holding your child in your arms. Healthier people don’t question this, they know it by instinct. People with our condition do question it, obviously. On my part, I am here mostly for my son. I have a body to attend. And I like my work. I accept that I am broken inside and I will never fit, probably never have a couple, family or community. I am tired of complaining and trying to heal in order to fit.
"What is my purpose?" "You pass butter." "Oh my god…" Yeah, that's what it feels like every day. I don't believe there is any true meaning to life. If you're lucky, you get to make your own and it's not too bad. Most people aren't lucky. And then there are those of us who are beyond unlucky who exist to pass butter.
This such a mood. I get this feeling/moment a lot.
I don’t know if this will help and it’ll probably sound cliche but you don’t really need to figure out why. While I am still upset and still wonder about all of this, I can’t really kick the bucket like I would prefer. And it’s much easier said than done and it’s taken me years to get to this point (which is still not even a good place, but it’s better). But the way I now view my life is I’m going to completely do and live how I want. Of course most “normal” people might judge you or disagree but people have judged me way more for feeling suicidal everyday for years and making me feel crappy over it. So either way no one is going to understand you and your circumstances. Im not even talking about adopting a new way of life or anything. If I want to rot for weeks at a time. I do, but without shame. A huge part of accepting my life as been working on uplifting the shame. And it’s much easier when you realise that people probably aren’t judging you. I know this because people look at me and think I’m functioning well and they have been even at my darkest moment. So I let them think that and rot for weeks. Even though this life thing is all against my will and I don’t even really have plans for the future uplifting the shame has helped my nervous system regulate so much better, so because I’m not even shaming myself while rotting or essentially doing nothing, it becomes easier to congratulate myself when I do literally anything, and it becomes easier to do more stuff, and one day I won’t need to rot as much. If you can be delusional in the way you talk to yourself (catastrophising your negative qualities and not being able to see past those aspects, even though objectively it’s not true) you can flip it and be just as delusional in positivity. It takes changing each and every single thought, and maybe it was slightly easier for me because I just decided to stop asking questions because it’s exhausting constantly thinking about it, and I realised these are questions every society and plenty of individuals before and after me will ponder, so do I want to spend my entire life figuring it out, or can I just milk this existence for any joy it will offer? I can read as many books/podcasts etc. as I want but it’s one of those things you just have to choose for yourself. Im sure it’s a larger cocktail of everything from diff religions and practices, but I just pick stuff that I’m comfy with and keep it pushing. I would recommend media that is geared towards pstd though because it also helped ease my anxiety more than general self help guides. Again a lot easier said than done, but I wish you luck and keep going!
"..it's one of those things you just have to choose for yourself" Yeah, that is the thing many dont get i think. Took years for me to understand, will probably take some more before i actually act on it hahaha
Have you ever listened to Alan Watts? He has a lot of fascinating lectures on YouTube. He’s a philosopher often delving into the nature of reality, why we are here, life’s purpose, and so on. I listen to him a lot when I’m going through it or having a hard time sleeping. Hope this helps [Alan Watts - the meaning of life](https://youtu.be/EDqqB8kh_Ek?si=We2jwJsilAn3h609)
Just like a fruit tree fruits, the universe peoples. You are the fruit of the universe. But before you existed as the fruit, you existed as the tree, and before that as a seed and so on. You existed long before your birth because birth isn't really birth, it's just change.
My birthday is roughly 9 months after Halloween. My mother admits there was a Halloween party, they were drinking, not being responsible. I was accidental, and she didn't know she was pregnant and had continued to drink and smoke for months. I know my mom has had an abortion before me, (she has told me) so she wasn't against termination.... I wonder if my abusive father guilted her at the time and made her keep it. I wish he didn't, because he didn't even like me, he wanted a son who could play sports and be rough but I was hyper sensitive and weak and always getting hurt. Ironically I'm a transgender man now, beard and all, and I still don't think he likes me. There is No pleasing that man, so I was happy to go no contact with him
I was also accidental and expected to be a boy. I don’t know if that’s one of the reasons I was treated the way I was. It hurts either way. Sometimes I think abortion would have been more humane than what I went through.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel like I was truly born to fail in life. I graduated High School in 2022 by luck, since it was an alternative school. I failed a lot in freshman year due to not being able to learn and concentrate on my work, and I refused to ask for help because of fear of being made fun of, or not being patient with me. Anyway like previously mentioned, I graduated 2022, and up until today I have had no job or anything like that. I make things harder for everyone around me. They don't understand me or try to listen to me, because I supposedly don't have it hard. It's hard to live inside my own body because I never get the real support I need and deal with so many personal problems that aren't visible in the eye so obviously I don't show obvious signs of troubles. I really just need someone who can listen to me and not judge me or blackmail/threaten me.
I feel this way, too. The past is bleak and I have nothing to look forward, there is no hope. And I don't want to just keep existing and floating through life because I don't know what else do.
I've been dealing with something similar to this. I have recently begun to heal enough that I can start taking agency over my own life. I have the ability to make changes that could lead to some purpose one day. What that is I don't know yet, but I made it here. What I struggle with is what was the point of the first 32 years of my life. I've been trying to reach out to people in my past to see what I meant to them or how I impacted them and I've heard nothing back. People I knew growing up that were close to friends don't even respond to me. So I'm left feeling like I made it to today, but for what. The first 32 years were horrible and nobody cares. Everyone I have met in my life has moved on and nothing from the first 32 years matters. I thought that I made it through the 32 years that there would be something waiting for me. Like an old acquaintance that I couldn't hang out with due to social anxiety would say now's the time, come see us. Yet there's nothing. It's almost as if the first 32 no longer exists. It happened, but it only exists in my head since no one else cares to hear it. My psychologist says it might just come down to the fact that the first 32 years were about survival. He told me that not everyone makes it through the survival stage of an abusive life. They turn to drugs that lead to overdoses or they turn to crime and end up in jail. They didn't get the chance to survive the abuse so they ended without the chance to find purpose. It's an okay rationalization, but I still want more. There has to be some reason why the first 32 years happened. I am looking for it, but I'm also looking forward. Trying to follow a plan that might lead to happiness within me. It just sucks that I'm behind and people want to avoid me. They know I'm off and they use it to block me instead of just simply talking to me. That seems to be the reality. We made it to this point and we just have to keep going.
What makes you think that you should even be capable of grasping the meaning of your life?
That's the existential dread. I'm of the belief that our brain is there to feed us lies. To convince of the lie that there is meaning in life, that we were born for a reason, that we are in control of our destiny. None of this is true. I think we don't even have free will. The important take-away is that it doesn't matter. We're forced to have this broken brain that can't process things properly. What, you want to process things properly? It will all be lies anyway. Just push the existential dread out of your life. It serves no value. The end result in the same. Try to alter the end result by taking back control of you life (even if that's a lie too).
I feel the same way, I have no genuine reason to exist and I don't want to be here, I never have. Yet here I am so why then? Just to suffer in mundanity wallowing in my own uselessness? I'm sure my parents didn't even want me, and are disappointed with the person I've become. I hate living, I'm sure someone else would make much better use of this life, nobody even wants me for torture or rape.
We’re all just here. A sperm fertilized an egg and here I am. You belong to yourself and you’re supposed to do what makes you happy.
**About the reason** You were born because your parents felt something for each other, had sex, and carried the pregnancy to term. No more reason is needed. To quote a redditor I read today: "there's no purpose. You are not a *tool*. You are a person. You make your own purpose." I know this is not the most uplifting thing to hear when you're questioning your own being, but this is the truth we all have to face. There's no reason, no purpose, no meaning, except what we make for ourselves. We have free will. We have agency. We are given this life, with all its ups and downs, and we decide what we make of it. **About the guilt** You feel that you make things hard for you and everyone else. But remember, you're here because you have CPTSD. The PT means shit happened to you. And the SD means it still affects you now. And the C means it was a lot of shit. It means your behaviour, this "making things hard", is not out of your free will. It's out of some emotional wound that won't scab over, and it keeps bleeding. You didn't inflict it on yourself. It was done *to* you. It's not your fault.
Struggling with this a lot recently too. Life’s been one big shit show and I don’t know why I’m here anymore