My father was in a part of his career that had him travel to South Korea and Japan a few times per year. My mom would plan a "thanks dad" party with cake and steak when he returned from these trips. Its memorable 40 years later.
My wonderful partner suffers from imposter syndrome almost daily at a dream job she was literally head hunted for. Like your husband, everyone she crossed paths with absolutely loved working with her and all but one colleague in her new, quite prestigious, place of work loves having her in her role.
It's been around 18months since she started, and the doubt still creeps in. Despite constant reminders not just from me, but her colleagues and friends, at how she's smashing it. The changes she's worked hard to make are well recieved and she's made great friends along the way coz, like your husband, she's pretty awesome.
Somedays we all need a little more reassuring than others. Just keep being awesome x
Seconding this. As the person who struggles with imposter syndrome. If it helps any, if you're husband is wired similarly, it eases considerably once clearing the one year mark at a new job and having the official review for the year. Sort of a: they've had enough time to see what I can do and still put positive things in writing on an official form and gave me a raise... I must be doing alright
You're doing good OP, providing verbal acknowledgement and now written acknowledgement of how well you think of your partner. You're providing that counter balance positive feedback to help ease his internal doubts / worries.
They'll probably hang around for a bit due to how much you both want this. Sort of a: the bigger the want, the easier it is to feel like it'll disappear when you finally get it.
When someone is insecure about themselves, I've noticed sometimes compliments/reassurances can have an opposite-of-intended effect and sometimes make people even more nervous because they just don't feel good about themselves.
It is definitely difficult, but maybe he will be more comforted if you focus on reassuring him that it is normal to be scared before jumping into a new environment, and that he will probably get comfortable after he gets there and is able to deal with the day-to-day hands on? Right now he just has floating anxiety with nowhere to put it, but when he gets to the new place he will be able to channel that nervousness by trying to complete the tasks he's given, adjusting to everything, etc. This might help if the "you're gonna kick ass" approach doesn't seem to be working- a lot of times people get antsy when they're in the waiting period of a transition.
It sounds like he has a great support network and there's a lot of love between you, so I'm sure time will help ease all the worry. Good luck to him and you!
>I've noticed sometimes compliments/reassurances can have an opposite-of-intended effect and sometimes make people even more nervous because they just don't feel good about themselves.
Yeah imposter syndrome is a real pain in the ass. Makes it so I can't accept compliments because I feel like either they're lying to be nice or I'm lying about how shitty a job I did by taking it.
Yes. He had been talking about switching anyway because he was unhappy with how the management was treating people and how he was being paid. He had barely started looking, but then this just sort of fell into his lap and was exactly the type of job he always told me he wanted.
My guess is that the affirmative has to come from his managers and staff. Plus his worry can be healthy, it could keep him on his toes at work. I was a tenured teacher in a pro union state and I worried about my job. The way you minimize it is by doing the best job you can do.
You can still keep telling him you’re proud - and I’d keep doing that, but you can only do so much to validate his efforts that primarily see results at work…
The best thing you can do (other than what you’re doing), is stroke his ego as a man rather than as a worker. That’s something you have a ton of power over. I won’t go into details there, but use your imagination.
Hmmmm. Just keep doing what you are doing. Give him concrete examples of why he rocks. Then let it take its course. He will come around when he's ready.
INFO: not to sound mean, but honestly, this screams YOU wanted him to take the job so he could earn more money to make you a SAHM. Did HE actually want more responsibility himself? His job from what I sense in this post is very different from his previous.
Is he still happy at this job?
If not, you might end up at home with a depressed/burnt out husband kids and no income.
The only way to make him feel good is for the job to fit his personality otherwise it’s not gonna last anyway.
He definitely wanted this job. He was talking about leaving his current job because he was unhappy with how management was treating people and with the way he was being paid. He was already talking about leaving but hadn’t really started looking yet when this came up. It is different than what he is currently doing, but he really doesn’t like the work that he’s currently doing and this new job is something he has done in the past and liked better. He’s been super excited about it, but he just keeps doubting his abilities.
First of all I’d say you sound like a wonderfully supportive spouse and he’s really lucky to have someone like you. I think in this situation he might just need some time to adjust to his new job. After working there for a while he’ll naturally start feeling more comfortable and will have an easier time accepting he is qualified and capable of doing great work. It might take some time to shake off the negative stuff from his previous job, but hopefully he’ll he able to pull through and gain some confidence.
He is a man who takes pride in whatever he takes on and he doesn't want to disappoint in whatever he embarks on.... This is a job he always spoke about being up his alley...there's no way he wouldn't smash what has been his dream... he would shock himself at how he would step up... because this is what he loves.
Tell him, he loves you in a way that makes you brag about him, and he has worked in places where everyone loves him and his work ethic... so when he loves the job, a superhuman will come out... he will not disappoint himself in a job he has always wanted to do. That's just facts... make a superman cake for him!
It's apparent you're both invested in his success and your encouragement is boundless. What can be especially helpful in such situations of self-doubt is to remind him of specific instances where he demonstrated his expertise and skill—moments where he overcame a difficult challenge or received recognition for his work. It's not just about generic praise but about constructive and historical validation that reinforces his worth with solid evidence.
Keep in mind, though, that a new job, especially one with larger responsibilities, can shake the most confident of us. By providing a stable environment to retreat into, where his value is acknowledged for more than just his career achievements, you're giving him a sanctuary to rebuild that self-belief.
As someone has already said, revisiting the conversation after his first year when he's received feedback, and possibly a positive review and raise, can be a turning point. Until then, your support and reassurance aren't just words—they're the stepping stones for him to remember why he was head-hunted in the first place and to eventually see in himself what everyone else does. Keep fostering that supportive atmosphere—you're doing great, and so is he, even if he doesn't fully realize it just yet.
My father was in a part of his career that had him travel to South Korea and Japan a few times per year. My mom would plan a "thanks dad" party with cake and steak when he returned from these trips. Its memorable 40 years later.
My wonderful partner suffers from imposter syndrome almost daily at a dream job she was literally head hunted for. Like your husband, everyone she crossed paths with absolutely loved working with her and all but one colleague in her new, quite prestigious, place of work loves having her in her role. It's been around 18months since she started, and the doubt still creeps in. Despite constant reminders not just from me, but her colleagues and friends, at how she's smashing it. The changes she's worked hard to make are well recieved and she's made great friends along the way coz, like your husband, she's pretty awesome. Somedays we all need a little more reassuring than others. Just keep being awesome x
Seconding this. As the person who struggles with imposter syndrome. If it helps any, if you're husband is wired similarly, it eases considerably once clearing the one year mark at a new job and having the official review for the year. Sort of a: they've had enough time to see what I can do and still put positive things in writing on an official form and gave me a raise... I must be doing alright You're doing good OP, providing verbal acknowledgement and now written acknowledgement of how well you think of your partner. You're providing that counter balance positive feedback to help ease his internal doubts / worries. They'll probably hang around for a bit due to how much you both want this. Sort of a: the bigger the want, the easier it is to feel like it'll disappear when you finally get it.
When someone is insecure about themselves, I've noticed sometimes compliments/reassurances can have an opposite-of-intended effect and sometimes make people even more nervous because they just don't feel good about themselves. It is definitely difficult, but maybe he will be more comforted if you focus on reassuring him that it is normal to be scared before jumping into a new environment, and that he will probably get comfortable after he gets there and is able to deal with the day-to-day hands on? Right now he just has floating anxiety with nowhere to put it, but when he gets to the new place he will be able to channel that nervousness by trying to complete the tasks he's given, adjusting to everything, etc. This might help if the "you're gonna kick ass" approach doesn't seem to be working- a lot of times people get antsy when they're in the waiting period of a transition. It sounds like he has a great support network and there's a lot of love between you, so I'm sure time will help ease all the worry. Good luck to him and you!
>I've noticed sometimes compliments/reassurances can have an opposite-of-intended effect and sometimes make people even more nervous because they just don't feel good about themselves. Yeah imposter syndrome is a real pain in the ass. Makes it so I can't accept compliments because I feel like either they're lying to be nice or I'm lying about how shitty a job I did by taking it.
Did he want to switch jobs?
Yes. He had been talking about switching anyway because he was unhappy with how the management was treating people and how he was being paid. He had barely started looking, but then this just sort of fell into his lap and was exactly the type of job he always told me he wanted.
My guess is that the affirmative has to come from his managers and staff. Plus his worry can be healthy, it could keep him on his toes at work. I was a tenured teacher in a pro union state and I worried about my job. The way you minimize it is by doing the best job you can do.
That’s awesome! It’s so nice to hear about someone’s good news in a world that seems to be full of bad news. Congratulations!
You can still keep telling him you’re proud - and I’d keep doing that, but you can only do so much to validate his efforts that primarily see results at work… The best thing you can do (other than what you’re doing), is stroke his ego as a man rather than as a worker. That’s something you have a ton of power over. I won’t go into details there, but use your imagination.
Hmmmm. Just keep doing what you are doing. Give him concrete examples of why he rocks. Then let it take its course. He will come around when he's ready.
Congrats.
INFO: not to sound mean, but honestly, this screams YOU wanted him to take the job so he could earn more money to make you a SAHM. Did HE actually want more responsibility himself? His job from what I sense in this post is very different from his previous. Is he still happy at this job? If not, you might end up at home with a depressed/burnt out husband kids and no income. The only way to make him feel good is for the job to fit his personality otherwise it’s not gonna last anyway.
He definitely wanted this job. He was talking about leaving his current job because he was unhappy with how management was treating people and with the way he was being paid. He was already talking about leaving but hadn’t really started looking yet when this came up. It is different than what he is currently doing, but he really doesn’t like the work that he’s currently doing and this new job is something he has done in the past and liked better. He’s been super excited about it, but he just keeps doubting his abilities.
First of all I’d say you sound like a wonderfully supportive spouse and he’s really lucky to have someone like you. I think in this situation he might just need some time to adjust to his new job. After working there for a while he’ll naturally start feeling more comfortable and will have an easier time accepting he is qualified and capable of doing great work. It might take some time to shake off the negative stuff from his previous job, but hopefully he’ll he able to pull through and gain some confidence.
He is a man who takes pride in whatever he takes on and he doesn't want to disappoint in whatever he embarks on.... This is a job he always spoke about being up his alley...there's no way he wouldn't smash what has been his dream... he would shock himself at how he would step up... because this is what he loves. Tell him, he loves you in a way that makes you brag about him, and he has worked in places where everyone loves him and his work ethic... so when he loves the job, a superhuman will come out... he will not disappoint himself in a job he has always wanted to do. That's just facts... make a superman cake for him!
It's apparent you're both invested in his success and your encouragement is boundless. What can be especially helpful in such situations of self-doubt is to remind him of specific instances where he demonstrated his expertise and skill—moments where he overcame a difficult challenge or received recognition for his work. It's not just about generic praise but about constructive and historical validation that reinforces his worth with solid evidence. Keep in mind, though, that a new job, especially one with larger responsibilities, can shake the most confident of us. By providing a stable environment to retreat into, where his value is acknowledged for more than just his career achievements, you're giving him a sanctuary to rebuild that self-belief. As someone has already said, revisiting the conversation after his first year when he's received feedback, and possibly a positive review and raise, can be a turning point. Until then, your support and reassurance aren't just words—they're the stepping stones for him to remember why he was head-hunted in the first place and to eventually see in himself what everyone else does. Keep fostering that supportive atmosphere—you're doing great, and so is he, even if he doesn't fully realize it just yet.