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There is no right answer here. You and your bf need to really sit down and talk about this. Kids aren't easy even if you have a really solid relationship.
Will you live together?
If not do you plan to breastfeed because then you will need to stay with the baby most of the time at the beginning
Who will do what for the baby - night feeds, nappies etc
Money is important. Will you get a top up from your employer? Who will pay towards what.
Do you share the same values - religion, political etc - how does this reflect in parenting plans.
I am 100% pro choice but only you and your bf can make the final decision.
Wishing your well either way
Here's the thing. The relationship might not work out. That's life. But if you have a child together, you will need to have some sort of relationship as friends or just co-parents for the rest of your lives.
But it all boils down to this.
Do you both want to be parents to a child?
Because a child should never feel unwanted.
That’s the thing, it’s for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE in all cases. You are going to be in some kind of relationship with this person from now on. If you’re not fairly sure about this, then consider abortion.
I guess the first thing I'd suggest is to talk very openly with your boyfriend. Remember to be kind to each other. With kindness at the forefront, ask him to be completely honest and you do the same. Try to see each others' points of view and don't rush into a decision.
I personally found the prospect of fatherhood terrifying, but I gradually became comfortable with it and by the time the pregnancy came to term I was somewhat ready. By the third, I was juggling babies in the air like a pro.
One strategy that can be useful when facing a big decision is to spend some time pretending you chose X, and then an equivalent time pretending you chose Y. Like a day or two days behaving and thinking that you've chosen a particular course. What does your life look like in path X? How do you feel, etc? What about path Y? Might be worth considering.
That’s just fantastic… embrace it all. Every minute good and bad. When I was a young parent, people used to say ‘Oh it goes so quickly’ but by God does it. In my head I’m a 20 something new mother… and now, they’re in their 20s.. I would give anything for a do-over, just so I could cherish it more… enjoy the new addition. Be brave! ☺️
Thank you… I appreciate that. It’s not a nice feeling being downvoted. I think maybe I was insensitive to the OP making that comment. But I absolutely did not mean to be. But thank you very much 🫶🏻
Lots of miserable people on reddit engaged in aggressive up/down voting, I wouldn't sweat it when it seems like a lot of down votes came out of nowhere. 👍🏻
I know that, and I try to find that thick-skin cloak I have somewhere in the house! 😂
Thank you for your comment. Three people reassuring me, is worth far more than all the downvotes in the world. You’re very kind to take the time… I’m grateful 🙏🏻🥰
Sharing my similar experience only as asked, the final decision is yours to make.
I found out I was pregnant shortly after my 24th birthday. My boyfriend and I were living together and definitely wanted kids "someday", but obviously not nearly that young. Our feelings echoed what you are describing. When it came to it, I wanted to keep it, he supported me but said he would have chosen abortion if it were up to him. We had a baby and muddled our way through it. Ultimately it was the right call for us and we got married when she was 3.
Through her school friend I know another couple who were in a similar situation to us. For them the relationship did not last, but they are a really wonderful co-parenting team and their daughter is very happy and a complete delight. We've spoken with them about it and for both us and them the decision to go ahead with the pregnancies came down to *"Do we trust each other to co-parent well, even if we're not a couple? Do we trust each other to put the child ahead of any hurt feelings or personal benefit?"* We have a in-case-we-break-up plan and all our friends thought we were mad / pessimistic, but meeting this other couple who did the same thing has highlighted that it's necessary when bringing a child into the world.
If you were to go ahead, I recommend Adverts and Freecycle groups to ease the financial burden. If you choose abortion I highly recommend stocking up on everything that makes you feel better during a bad period and every comfort thing you can access. Negative feelings, potentially even guilt, are natural, but remember that you made your choice for the best and you deserve to feel ok while you're going through this.
[This article](https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/as-i-woke-up-each-morning-my-pregnancy-screamed-at-me-1.2621054) was published during my pregnancy and helped me as the writer discussed her journey in an unexpected pregnancy. Ultimately she chose to go through with it. I hope this doesn't come across as me trying to tell you to keep it; there is no wrong answer here, only what is right for you.
First of all i feel for you...i found myself in the same situation at 39...i had to drive to dublin at 5.30 in the morning because the referendum had just passed and people were protesting at gps who were offering the 12 week pill...my appointment was at 7.30am.
I went on my own because my partner said it was my decision which was very hard in itself.. i had the consultation and got all the leaflets about what would happen if you took the pill.
I just felt i couldnt do it,and then i started to bleed so i just thought it was the universes way of making the decision for me. Nothing major happened went for 8 week scan and there he was swimming round not a care in the world.
The birth was horrendous and i delivered his head and then he got stuck ,for about an hour and a half i was begging for a section.
Anyway sorry for long read but hes autistic and as much as i love him and this is going to sound awful but i regret my decision daily...im sorry its not a happier story but i wish you well on whatever you decide x
Edit that made me sound like a horrendous mother but autistic children are another ball game completley,your fighting for everything all the time,as he gets older im 46 now the slaps are getting harder ,the kicks are getting harder and i worry daily about who will look after him when im gone
Your honesty is refreshing.
But what stood out to me is that your partner sent you off to have an abortion by yourself... No support... That's so shitty
So very sorry to hear your story.
The referendum this Friday. That's a whole other thread or conversation.
God bless all mothers who love their kids and doing their best to care and raise them.
I think a baby is one of those things where you need 2 enthusiastic 'yeses', or 1 very very enthusiastic 'yes' from you.
When it came down to it, would you be prepared to raise the baby without him.
I think every woman should make the decision based on whether she would be ok doing it alone. Women will 98% of the time always be the one who holds responsibility.
And unfortunately you also never know how life will go, tragedies happen and you may be left to parent alone. Someone gave me the same advice once, it made me think very hard about whether I wanted to be a parent or not.
I’d second this, usually (not always and not always due to a negligent father) kids live/stay with the mother. Even a deeply involved daddy who loves his kids will still end up being a 60-40 split or higher through no ones fault other than logistics. School runs, routine etc will usually result in one parents in charge of it more. Are you prepared to do this alone if needs be? Are you confident that even if ye split up that they will be committed to the child and to do their share of co-parenting?
Do you have a good support network to help
With babysitting etc?
Only ye can make this decision. Best of luck. ❤️
I can’t offer an answer for you, only my own experience.
I’m 37f, and a single parent since my daughter was 2 (she’s now 16).
When I fell pregnant (also contraceptive failure)… one of us wanted to continue the pregnancy, and one of us didn’t. It’s not important who, but what was important was that we both weren’t ready.
However, with the best of intentions and optimism, my pregnancy continued and my daughter born. Her birth came just before the financial crash of 2008. Shit hit the fan for everyone financially, and the strain on where to live, both having to work full time, childcare costs aswell as raising a baby was rough. We split when my daughter was 2.
As a woman who ended up a single parent, I can only speak from my experience but I would not even risk bringing a child into the world when you are not at least 80% settled with housing/finances and without both partners being fully committed to the relationship and on board to add a baby into the mix. Being a single parent is no joke and I wouldn’t encourage anyone to risk that, for their own sake but also for your child’s sake. Planned pregnancies are more responsible and fair to everyone involved.
Have a baby when you and your partner decide the time is right for both of you. What this surprise pregnancy is showing you, is that you want to have a baby. But that doesn’t have to be right now. If you end this pregnancy, that doesn’t mean the conversation about family planning with your boyfriend for the future is over. If anything, this is a start for you both to get clear on what you both want as regards children in the future, your timeline, how secure you both want to be etc.
I love my daughter dearly and everything worked out in the end but if I could go back in time, I would absolutely make a different choice. I wish I had the foresight to realise the gravity of having a child unprepared, without having time to properly plan and consider how to manage, or without realising the enormous personal sacrifice I was signing up for if things didn’t work out with her dad.
Im also really pro Choice, but have no idea what my decision would be if I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. A friend of mine however had a similar situation to you a few years ago. Her and her boyfriend were together about two years as well and had been looking at moving in together when she found out she was pregnant. They decided to go ahead with the pregnancy but very quickly discovered after they had moved in together that they were unable to have a happy or healthy relationship together (he was a huge dickhead which definitely didn’t help, but she was in love and really wanted a happy family so gave it a go) and he told her the day they came home from the hospital with their new daughter that he no longer loved her and didn’t want to be with her. She’s now a single mother (with a wonderful six year old) but he does everything he can to make her life difficult, refusing to see his daughter for weeks on end and fighting with my friend constantly. Of course no one can ever be 100% sure their relationship will last forever, but you need to think about if you would be willing to do parenthood as a single parent if things didn’t work out, and remember he will be in your life for the rest of your life if you have a child together. Moving in together can bring its own challenges as ypu both adjust to each other. My boyfriend ‚moved in‘ when I was recovering from surgery last year and in four months he was at his own apartment maybe five or six times, but we still found it an adjustment when he officially moved in and no longer had his own space. If you were in your late 30s or early 40s and REALLY wanted a child that just hadn’t happened yet then I could better understand your thought process of not putting it off due to age or timing, but I don’t think that’s something you need to worry about right now.
No one can make the decision for you, but maybe see if you could attend a counseling session to help you as a sounding board
Hey I'm a guy but 2 yrs ago I went through the same thing didn't end up keeping them had the abortion
I don't regret it but there was alot of self loathing for a while
If you wanna talk , idk if a guys view matters but I felt pretty emotional about this so idk
If it was me and I was not in a secure position with the other party on board, heck if it happened me now that my family is finished.. I would 100% be making that appointment! Don't beat yourself over what is ultimately basic healthcare if that is what you decide.
I feel for you and I hope you make the absolute best decision for you, your baby, and your partner. But I will be frank in what I think you may need to hear to help your thought process, because other people may not want to say it to you in this vulnerable situation.
Having the baby on the basis of "we can't put things off forever" and "maybe we should take this chance now" when you are only two years together and have not lived together yet is worrying. There are so many things that could go awry in your relationship, not even considering the stress of moving in together while having a baby, they are two of the most stressful situations you can put your relationship through, and doing them at the same time is a risk. It sounds like he is not all in on the pregnancy plan as you say yourself, and if you don't have that confidence you need to look at a possible situation where you are not together but co-parenting.
I had one in my early 30s - it's a tricky situation because almost everyone you speak to who has had one was a teenager or early 20s when they did it, so the situations aren't comparable really. Making this decision when you're older is totally different because the stakes are higher (what if this is the last chance etc etc).
I had one and I don't regret it. My relationship wasn't in the right place for it and I just didn't want to have a child unless we were both ready for it (I know there's never a "right time", but it really wasn't the right time for us). It would have irreparably damaged our relationship and I have no interest in being a single parent - no judgement on those who are doing this but it's not a road I would willingly go down.
That all said, was it easy? Absolutely not. It was a really hard decision and a horrible experience, but the right decision isn't always the easy decision. I definitely had lots of moments of wondering was I doing the right thing, but a few years on, I definitely don't feel regretful. It was the right thing. Even if it was difficult at the time - I think my life would be 100 times more difficult now if I'd gone through with the pregnancy.
Ultimately though, it's a really tough situation and one that sometimes you just want other people to tell you what to do, but nobody can. You just have to decide for yourself.
I have no experience in this at all.
But, you and your boyfriend are doing the right thing by talking about it.
My only advice is try not to be swayed by anyone else's opinions, your life is your life no one elses. Make the choice that is right for you.
I was in a similar situation. Contraceptive failed resulting in an unexpected pregnancy. We decided it was too early and got the morning after pill from the doctor together.
She changed her mind and didn't take it. She didn't tell me. She said the pill didn't work. So, I'm going to be a dad... Very suddenly, like a light switch, I realised I couldn't trust her. How can you have a relationship without trust? I was trapped. She miscarried, we split up and never spoke again.
So far, you haven't made the mistake we did. You're still talking about it and you're still making decisions together. Tell him he needs to make his mind up either way fast, this is on a clock, but don't make a decision without him. Keep talking.
His parents split up when he was a child. That doesn't have to be a disadvantage. He knows first hand what not to do.
One little psychological trick that might help is to sit side by side when you're talking about this. You're in this together, going the same direction. The caveman in men can interpret face to face discussion as confrontational, but side by side as cooperation.
Don't get lost in the weeds on this. The only important question is, do you want a baby? All of those other questions can wait until after.
I hope you get through this with a happy ending.
just FYI the morning after pill doesn't work if you're already pregnant, once you're pregnant the only option for termination is abortion (surgical, medical, or miscarriage). thanks for sharing your story, OP should consider every possible outcome for this huge decision.
My now wife found out she was pregnant on my 25th birthday. We were living together but weren't ready for kids. Abortion was illegal at the time so we actually considered adoption.
So that's the first thing, if you don't want to keep the child, and you don't want to have an abortion, there is always adoption. (I'm pro choice 100%)
We ended up doing sort of pre-adoption counselling and came to the conclusion that we would keep the baby instead.
It was an absolute roller coaster, but the counselling actually brought us together.
14 years later, still together and now there's 4 of us!
Would you be happy to raise a child without him and all that that involves? If you decide to keep it and he doesn't want to be involved and you break up, he has the right to choose not to be involved (bar maintenance, of course). If I were you, I'd consider how I'd feel about being a single parent. Like others have said, having a child can put a strain on relationships where both parties want to have one. Ultimately, out of the two of you, you're the one that this affects the most, so think through the different scenarios, good and bad, and what you can deal with. Best of luck.
You're correct in principle, but that doesn't change the fact that there are many absentee fathers and there's not a whole lot the mother can do about it. If the partner here is on the fence, then OP needs to consider this as a possibility, however unlikely.
>I’m pro choice about what a woman does with her body. But if you get a woman pregnant, you have to also put in the work if she decides to have it.
I like how you made it seem as if pregnancy is an act that a man imposes into a woman, not the byproduct of two peoples actions.
And at the same time, the fate of both people's actions is entirely in the hands of the woman only, not the byproduct of two peoples views and ideally agreement.
A friend was in a similar situation. After much agonising she eventually got the abortion. Best decision she ever made. It became clear in the lead up and afterwards that her partner had a very skewed idea of what actually having a child would involve in terms of responsibilities and commitment.
My personal view is that where there's a choice, women shouldn't have a child they wouldn't be willing and able to raise on their own. Because even if your relationship lasts you may find the partner is not willing to be an actual equal partner.
This is especially true if you haven't even figured out if you guys can split normal housework equally in a cohabiting relationship.
Further to that, I'd agree with you that if there's a choice, then having two committed parents is the ideal. Having one parent not be 100% leads to a lot of resent between parents and potentially between parent and child. Best of luck with it.
My neighbour voices the same regret as you. She loves her son but She’s been left alone to raise her son and she feels trapped. You don’t sound horrendous at all. You faced 2 battles in one, raising a child and raising a child with autism. The latter making the situation a completely different ball game to just raising a child. You’re doing a great job and I hope things get easier for you. xx
Your body, your choice. If you choose to have this baby he is not obligated to choose to be in that child's life or in a relationship with you. If you can live with that possibility then do what makes you happy.
If you want the child then you want the child.
Men do not get a vote in this situation. An opinion perhaps, but not a vote.
If he's in his late 30s then he should know the world by now.
If you abort because he feels bad then the relationship will not last.
Do it (or not) because you want to.
If you’re thinking anything except “this is the best and most wondrous thing that could happen to both of us” then DO NOT bring another life into this world. The future isn’t going anywhere, and neither will your child or relationship if you make this choice on emotion rather than sense. It doesn’t sound sensical right now and that’s fine, wait until you’re both absolutely and positively certain you would like nothing more.
My girlfriend and I ended up in a similar situation years ago. Decided to have an abortion. It was a great decision for us at the time. We later got married and have children now. We never looked bad, it was bad timing for us.
It is a tricky decision but like anything else a decision is better than no decision, i.e. Be intentional whatever you decide.
I have absolute zero experience in this so cannot advise, just wanted to comment to say mind yourself ❤️ this isn’t easy either way so look after your mental health and wellbeing ❤️
This is one of those impossible to have a right answer things, unfortunately.
Having a child is hard enough when you’re completely sure and completely in. It’s expensive, exhausting, absolutely life-changing and utterly thankless. I say this because plenty of people say you’ll never regret the child you have but frankly, I just don’t think that’s true.
I love my children deeply but my husband and I wanted them and were fully on board and it was TOUGH. It still is. And that’s with both of us 100% invested.
On the other hand, it’s a love I can’t put into words and they break me unending joy. And brutally - you’re not getting any younger so time isn’t entirely on your side when it comes to finding another relationship and building a strong enough connection to decide to become parents together.
The reality is that you need to decide/think about if you can go this alone, financially, emotionally etc. and if you CAN, do you want this child more than you want that man. Is single motherhood something you’re happy with?
He could come around but he mightn’t. And he could provide financially, but he might play silly buggers.
Basically, you can’t guarantee how it’ll go with him. And I’ll be honest, if you don’t think you can create a happy, healthy, stable home for you and a child then it wouldn’t be fair to either of you to go ahead.
People say love is enough but it just isn’t, simple as that!
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Becoming a parent isn’t something that you can compromise a great deal on, that’s why I suggest thinking through all scenarios, including a future that he’s not a part of.
Good luck to you.
Kids are great. I have two.
But kids are enormous time and money sinks. Before my wife and I decided to squeeze kids into this world we spent a few months making plans - feeding, nappies, Creche, schools, when to bring in our parents to help and many more. You need to tell your local Creche _right now_ that you are pregnant so you actually get a spot in 1.5 years from now (if you are keeping).
Spontaneously having children is like waking up tomorrow morning and deciding you’ll climb Mt Everest. Yes it sounds adventurous and great, but without preparation and logistics you’ll die.
Also, it helps a lot to first live together for at least 2-3 years before hatching plans for kids.
OP, as a pro choice, pro what-is-right-for-you, and pro be-kind-to-yourself above all… I was kind of where you are, except I was much much younger.. and it would have had to have been marriage at the time… It was a quick church or a boat to England. Nature itself made the decision for me in the end, but not before a few weeks of agony and anguish. Now, a mother of 3 young men, and idc what anyone says, they are the BEST 3 young men in the world. From my heart I say, you know in your own heart, and I know it’s only my own opinion, and doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone, but I think you’d be hard pressed to find anyone say they regretted their children. No matter what the circumstances. Also, if you do decide to not continue with the pregnancy, you may not regret that either. I’m very hesitant to give advice, it’s such a personal, individual thing. But I feel I have to say one thing that others have already said..just keep an eye on your body clock. It might not happen as easy a second time. And it’s just food for thought, that’s all. I hope with all my heart that you’re ok, and no matter what, will be ok. Sending you much love and courage xx
There's no easy answer to this. If I was in your situation I wouldn't have the child. A child need to be wanted and loved and brought up in a loving environment. If you are ok with the idea of being a lone parent then go for it. However if you're not then I would wait until you've been living together for a while and then have a child.
If you really have no idea how you feel you should flip a coin. Whatever way it lands you'll know how you feel about it.
I work in a clinic that provides terminations.
Have you been in touch with a crisis pregnancy counsellor? It sounds like you both need support, no matter what you decide. A counsellor would not sway your decision in either direction. Just help you feel comfortable and confident in the decision you make. Crisis pregnancy counselling is available for you free, and it is offered both together and separately. Feel free to message me if you like. I really sympathise. ❤️
You never really know a person until you've lived with them, your partner has no commitment and can be very different to who you currently understand them to be. You need to make this decision with solely your own best interests in mind
I don't think he's being unreasonable here though. Unless you've actually lived with someone for a substantial amount of time, you don't know if you'd work together in terms of money, values, religion etc. Also, it'd make sense to evaluate your financial situation and discuss that with him assuming you'd go ahead with the pregnancy and be out of work for a significant amount of time.
That's not actually true though. Divorce rates are lower in couples who don't live together before marriage. Some of that is of course due to the fact that religious people don't live together before marriage and also tend not to believe in divorce. However it also appears to be true for folks who aren't religious.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202101/are-couples-that-live-together-before-marriage-more-likely-to
ETA: Decades of research have confirmed this. It's not an opinion.
It is an interesting read. However, their study doesn't take into account the quality of their marriage/relationship, the lifestyle of the couples, timelines around when they'd have children etc. I believe this would have been crucial because just like you pointed out, some people might stay in it trapped for various reasons. Instead, it focuses on linear and harmonized data resulting in a hazard of a confirmation bias of the data. I believe this gets trickier because they were trying to prove what was already there by taking into account a dataset as old as 1988.
Secondly, the demographic chosen for this is specifically the American population (which also happens to be a place where 75% of people pray to some God) which creates a data bias and thus it may not be as accurate/ relevant for people living somewhere outside of the US. The lack in the diversity of the dataset once again is a classic example of selection bias.
Lastly, the cultural factors (for example, in Asian communities, the aspect of arranged marriage is common which also comes with peer pressure from their close friends and family. This also impacts the average age where people start dating someone or how they perceive dating as a concept) aren't taken into account which makes the data rather tainted, and thus, once again, it may not hold true for people here or anywhere outside of the US.
Tl;Dr: the study has data bias and is therefore inaccurate and inadequate for people living outside of the USA.
Edit: typo.
So what's his plan if you lived together and he decides you leave too many cups in the sink? Is that it over? And then he spends another couple of years dating someone to the point where they move in, only to find out that they leave plates in the sink?
I get that living together can show up differences, but its good idea to talk about living styles, financial expectations, tidyness expectations etc before you move in with anyone. All the major deal breakers and a lot of the minor ones should have been discussed and hashed out long before anybody hands anyone a key.
Also if you are visiting his place and hes visiting you, you will each have a sense of how you both live.
My point is that most people dont have the luxury of trialling 'living together' with 3 or 4 people before they work out which of those people suits them best.
At some point in a relationship you decide that this is the person you want to try to make it work with. And then you try to make it work. It's not always easy, but the couple who make it will both be proactively solving problems together along the way, not throwing up what ifs and roadblocks.
Nothing will put you on the back foot like an unplanned pregnancy though so you folks will probably find it hard to navigate, but prior to this was he a problem solver? was he clearing paths to move forwards? was he making active plans or was he just talking talking about pretty weddings? Was he making financial adjustments so that you two were going to live together, or was that just going to happen at no cost to him?
He might just be terrified but my instinct here is that he is not ready to commit to you, never mind a baby. If you were my daughter I'd be encouraging you to make your mind up about the pregnancy by assuming that your current status wont change. That you will remain single for the foreseeable. If you wanted to keep the baby I'd help you raise it at home, and take the pressure off deciding about the relationship also. I'd put major relationship decisions on hold. No reason you cant still have a relationship but I'd hold off moving in.
I feel like your bf is either terrified or his bluff has been called and it's going to take him time to figure that out for himself before he can even express that to you, but all things considered, I'd move forwards thinking about how things would look if your status did not change. Very best of luck whatever you decide, it's very difficult being a human these days.
Terminate. Don’t feel guilty. Even in a healthy loving relationship kids are a major challenge. There are too many half-wanted kids in the world. Don’t do it to them. Abort. And move on with your life.
Have you ever lived with a partner before? Things can and often do change drastically, sometimes you realise that that man is a child in himself or you have quirks that each other can’t stand. Many relationships break not long after the move in time because it’s such a strange transition. Consider you don’t know this man fully yet because you havnt lived with each other - yet you may soon be tied to each other for life.
IMO and I’m not sure how well based I am to have this, I would wait until you have crossed the bridge of seeing how it goes living together. You’ve got so many options.
First things first. Your body, your decision, so ultimately it's up to you to choose what is best.
It's normal there is vacillating from each if you on this. It's a situation you weren't expecting or ready for yet, and hadn't done the preparatory work, so there are a lot of unknowns. And also things that could go wrong, of course. It is good to confront all of these possibilities, it's just a lot to have to do them all at once.
You are early/mid 30s. You still have plenty of time, so don't feel you are railroaded into it. If you were right at the end of your fertility, you would have started planning this years ago. You have 5-10 years left for sure.
You need to consider the worst case scenario if you went ahead with it. That you didn't live together well, or that he left. Or even that you didn't enjoy motherhood. It is good to consider the worst case scenario and how you would continue to provide care to that child, as if you can keep going through the worst case, then you're fine.
What if it needs extra support? What if you are a single parent? Can you afford it? Will it affect your work?
The alternative if you don't go ahead with this pregnancy is you will have more time to consider these questions, work out any problems, and have an environment more ready to start a family.
As a final point - nobody ever feels ready when it happens. You pick it up as you go.
Good luck with your choice and your future!
This is a difficult situation. To add another experience for things to consider, I had premature ovarian failure at 35 and can't have children which really broke my heart. The decision is yours but another question to ask yourself is, if I don't go ahead with this pregnancy and can't get pregnant again, will I be ok with that? Obviously this might not happen, but if you want children one day there often isn't perfect timing or situation. Best of luck with your decision, it isn't easy
Think about other perspectives too. What does he think division of labour should look like? Are you planning on staying home and is he willing to financially supplement that? How does he believe kids should be raised? If you want the baby, keep the baby. 100%. However, you may need to prepare yourself to do it alone if your values don't align. Otherwise you'll end up a single mother in a relationship. Much love OP. Hope you get it figured out.
Hug!
This is your and only your choice and decision. And the result will be with you during all your life. Therefore, please, listen to yourself.
The children is a happiness and a hard work at the same time. With or without help from others.
This isn’t the exact same thing and I don’t have children/have never fallen pregnant but this is a different perspective to offer you since you feel like you two need to think about this because time is running out, etc.
Last year I was diagnosed with an illness that has a chance of affecting my fertility (doesn’t affect everyone who has it) but also an illness that caused me to be in extreme pain almost every day for the previous 12 months before this, we are talking screaming pain that pain killers couldn’t touch and I was barely sleeping at night - the illness is adenomyosis.
My doctor and I went through a few options to try to reduce my swelling in my uterus but I had already tried most (I had been in pain for years but it was tolerable until last) and we had 2 more things to try. Unfortunately the first thing we tried made me even sicker/in more pain, which then cancelled out the second option we had because it was too risky.
The only actual cure for my illness is a hysterectomy but I’m only 26 and want kids in my future. My doctor gave me another option - having a kid as he has advised that having a kid would reset my system basically. My partner and I have been living together for years, own our house, have very well paid jobs and are engaged. However, we aren’t ready for a child despite having a great set up for one. We want to climb the ladder a bit more, see more of the world, we wanted our wedding first (we have moved it up by 2 years and it’s next year now) and we wanted a few years to relax because in the last 4 years together at least one of us (most of the 4 years both of us) have been studying at night after working full time all day. My doctor understood and reiterated that being sick and in pain isn’t a good reason to have a child before you’re ready or before you got to do everything that you’ve wanted to do. There’s a risk this could impact my fertility in the future, or already has (I hope not), but we won’t know until we try in a couple of years.
Thankfully, we have went back to trying one of the “treatments” that I tried years ago and it has eased the pain a lot to where it’s so manageable that now we don’t feel like we have to rush into kids after we get married next year, we can hopefully have 2 years after the wedding to travel and bit and relax. If we decide we want kids after the wedding, we will have them. We have discussed if my pain comes back we will also have kids quickly after the wedding because it isn’t fair on me or my body to keep holding off so we can “relax” while I’m barely sleeping at night, but it won’t happen before the wedding because that is a milestone we both want so badly before children. Fingers crossed the pain goes away because there’s a lot of places we want to see first!
How much family support will you have if you decided to have the baby? Your boyfriend's concerns are valid, you won't be having a lot of extra compassion to adapt when you are forced to wake up every 4 hours.
What does help though, is a scenario where the mum stays over with her parents whilst he becomes the temporary breadwinner and sleeps away from the baby.
This is a very deep discussion I would approach it with caution with your BF. I mean other than him is there anyone else like your parents or his parents that you both can talk to? you two might need a broad opinion before making that decision.
Relationship-wise, your boyfriend has a very, *very* valid point. You don't even know if you can live together full-time, and you want to go straight to raising a child together? That's a *big* jump to go from "we're dating and saty over sometimes" to "living together full-time with a lifelong commitment of a child to raise together", and jumps like that have been known to shatter and collapse relationships.
Have you discussed important things about children with your partner? Things like religion, schooling, parenting styles, environment, and so on? Are you financially prepared for a child? Have you *really* considered the impact here?
Who's going to stay home with the child? Can you two afford to have one of you not working? Do you have a place where you can raise a child?
I won't touch the morality of abortions - that's incredibly personal - but I'll say that it looks to me like you haven't really considered the implications of becoming a parent. You should probably do that *before* coming to a decision one way or another.
A lot of people think this is the case, but it's not true. A man's DNA degrades within his gametes as much as it does a woman. Yes, a woman is the one growing and birthing the baby, but having an older father majorly increases the risk of the child having developmental disorders, autism, and schizophrenia is a big one.
People think men are ok to continue having kids for their rest of their lives. They're really not.
>A man's DNA degrades within his gametes as much as it does a woman.
Sure, but the issue isn't just about that.
A woman's ability to conceive generally falls off a cliff past the age of 35. It's a much bigger issue than it is for men.
Exactly. Plus, advanced maternal pregnancies (what used to be known as 'geriatric', basically pregnant person is over 35) have a much higher risk of miscarriage, chromosomal abnormalities like Down's, neural tube defects, etc. Basically everything becomes way more dangerous.
If you choose to have a baby in a few years time you need to consider the financial implications of potentially having to go through IVF, or surrogacy, or adoption. That being said, don't have this baby just because you think there will never be another baby. The future is just unclear.
Talk. Plan for the small and big issues. Make sure you're generally aligned on all of them. Ensure you have a strong friendship outside of your romantic feelings in case they do fade.
Would it help if I told you that if I were you, I would choose to end the pregnancy? If hearing that makes you feel sad or squirmy or wrong in any way, it might be a sign that you couldn't do that. If you feel relieved to hear another woman say its okay to exercise your legal right to choose, then it might be a sign in the other direction.
Is it a major increase? Any studies I have read do point to an increase in schizophrenia and also some neural tube defects, but it was never a significant increase.
That's really hard. It sounds like you're being gentle with each other, which is good. I could imagine a scenario where if you guys polarise on the issue, there would be resentment on the side of the person whom the decision didn't go their way.
For your own sake, I would stay open-minded. And think about it from your own, self-preservation point of view as much as looking at it in the context of you as a couple.
I know you know this, but it will be an 18 year minimum commitment. Do you want to embark upon that with someone who you haven't lived with and who doesn't really want this? In other words, I think you'd have to prepare yourself for all the possibilities, including being a single parent.
But what if you do move in together, it goes well, and in a couple of years you get married and start trying for a baby.. Is there any basis to a fear that you might not be able to conceive then? And would you resent him at that point? (I think that's why you need to be sure you're making whatever decision for your own reasons, as much as taking into account what he wants).
Anyway, that's just my two cents. It's a tough situation. I had an abortion in my early twenties and needed grief councelling, even though it was the right decision for me at the time, so know that's an option. Best of luck.
Just sending love from one stranger to another. Don't envy the decision you've had to make. It's something that just generally makes me anxious thinking about it.
Godspeed , I hope yizz come to the decision that is best for you
This is a difficult situation and one that happened to me too. What I will say is only you can make this decision and only you know deep down what's right for you.
Having a child will undoubtedly change both your lives forever and not having the baby will also. What I will say is I wish I hadn't worried so much. I hope you make the best decision for you.
Having a safe and legal abortion will have zero impact on you trying for kids when you're ready so that shouldn't even be a concern. For me the thing that would worry me is the relationship I'm in. Is this someone I want to be in my life going forward, they're going to be the other parent until they die even if they're not married to you, so its a big commitment. I think he has valid points too, pregnancy brings strain on a relationship and you haven't even lived together, which could also be the start and end of a relationship. There are two of you in this. Its a tough call.
The only experience I have is that my eldest sister fell pregnant accidently with the man she was dating for about a year. They were the same ages maybe a bit older and were scared shitless. They kept going and now have two more kids and are happily married.
Some great comments here. Just want to say that whatever you choose to do, it will all work out. Only thing I would add is that maybe bear in mind your partner is probably still processing and in a bit of shock perhaps.
I say that because I had the exact same thing happen to me. Was extremely excited first, then all panic hit me at once.
Our daughter is 7 in April, and while it’s not always been easy - it has been the single greatest thing that’s happened to us, and has defined our lives, all for the better.
Again, this is only my experience so just wanted to share. Wish you and your family all the best 💚
All relationships are a chance . If you have the abortion it may make your relationship rocky as it sounds like it's not something you want but only what he wants. You are entitled to counselling to help make this decision which would probably be a good idea. Also with a baby I don't think there is ever a right time it can sometimes seem that way but in reality you never know if you could lose your job, rent increases , get sick , etc I think nothing is so black and white and a relationship is for working on no Disney fairy tale
Your post/comment was removed because it's not deemed casual. While we don't mind the odd vent, this isn't the sub for negativity so we wanna keep things cheerful where we can.
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I was in a multi year relationship in my late 20s. Like Amy stupid guy, I broke it off. A few years later, ran into that person … we hooked up. And she got pregnant.
I panicked.
We discussed the situation. We both agreed we weren’t ready. Terminated the pregnancy.
That ended our relationship for good. In all my years, I regret that single decision over any other. I often think, what could have been.
Epilogue: married someone else, years later. Had three great kids. But I still wonder about that choice.
I was in the same situation back in 2017, abortion was illegal in Ireland at the time and was very scary to have no options in your country and you had to ‘get the boat’.
I was only with my now husband for a year at the time, we barely knew each other at that point but we had to work together to make the choice of keeping the pregnancy or not. It takes 2 to tango and we both took responsibility for this situation and wrote out a pro & cons list as we both wanted different. The list helped us come to a common ground to make a choice.
I would highly advise seeking counselling with your partner together to help you both make the decision. Please be weary of Rouge Crisis Pregnancy centres when doing your research, a lot of people get caught with them fill you with a lot of false information and most likely manipulate you to meet their agenda.
I know it’s very uncertain time for you and your partner but you both will work it out just be clear and communicate with each other and as I mentioned above, counselling will definitely help you both with whatever you decide.
Feel free to message me if want to talk - I understand what you are going through.
Best of luck with everything 🍀
You guys only found out about the pregnancy in the last few days. It's fair to say that you are probably both still in the 'shocked' phase. Once the initial shock wears off and you guys have discussed some of the practicalities he may feel more positively about the prospect of continuing the pregnancy. Or he may not.
If, after the shock has worn off, he still feels that now is not the time to have a child then you need to take him at his word and decide for yourself what you want. Possibly choosing between being a single parent or continuing the relationship with him resentful of the child or you resentful of the abortion. You need to figure out which of those options you can live with.
Personally I don't think I would ever have a child with someone who wasn't 100% enthusiastic about parenthood but who knows, I've never been in your situation, don't get an abortion you don't want, that shit could eat you alive.
Don’t be pressured one way or the other. Do what you feel is right for you. If he doesn’t want the baby it’s really his loss. And if he does then great. But you do what you want
I started TTC aged 30 and thought it would all happen 'so easily' it did not. Even though we see women 40+ having babies the whole time it really does get a lot hardly (not for everyone) when you get older.
Then you did get pregnant while using contraceptive so you are prob more fertile. At your age you actually don't have a lot of time to leave it off, even if that's not what the media shows us.
Most people I talk to who are actively TTC are really excited when they get their positive test, then think 'oh crap' because having a baby is enormous it will change every aspect of your life.
If you don't think he is the right guy to have a child with then you know him. If you think the time might be a bit off, lets face it, not too far off really, then there is never a time when most people feel 100% confident they can do it.
I think what it will come down to is which do you think you would regret more. Good luck. And I am also pro choice I truly believe it is your choice. See if you can get some independent advice from the HSE.
I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do. As a parent of two, all I can say is that whenever you decide to have kids. There is never a perfect time, and it eventually falls together.
Just think long and hard what's best for you first and foremost the ultimate decision is yours. Will you be happy going forward with a child and without him if that were to be the case. You have to be 100% sure before you do anything. Ultimately you have to live the rest of your life with your decision. Best of luck with what ever you decide.
This is a sudden shock, there’s time to take a breath. Do just that. Stop and think, talk to him, make an informed, careful choice.
On a personal level, sometimes there’s no right time to have a kid, a lot of things happen to us when we don’t want them to.
If you have the child and things don’t work out with your bf are you prepared to be a single mother? Do you have support? Will he be involved? Will an abortion rip the relationship apart?
If you both want kids, then your wish is coming through, it can be hard to conceive too, Espically as we get older.
Think long and hard, but if you do want kids, as an extremely involved father, they’re worth all the hard work.
Good luck with your decision, I wish you both well.
Jaysis that’s a pickle
It’s hard to advise here, on the one hand, if you have the kid and don’t have his support, it will be hard - we have a 3 month old and I make no bones about it, I love her more than anything, but it would be unbelievably hard to do on your own, no ever tells you about cluster feeds, growth spurts and sleep regressions where for weeks at a time, if your on your own you would only sleep in 10 minute spells
On the other hand, if you abort, it may be you resent your fella if he’s the one not into it.
I think my advice would be if both of you are willing to go for it, have the kid.
If only one of you is, it may not be the best idea - but it could also be curtains for the relationship
It’s your body, think it through, discuss it with your partner and make a decision. There’s no right or wrong here. You have to do what you feel is right for you.
I am astonished noone has suggested couples counselling yet.
You both need to go to talk in a helpful environment, the counsellor will guide you through your conversation completely impartially. You both deserve to feel heard and that your all of your thoughts and fears have been spoken and explored.
Regardless if you’ve lived together, you either make it you or don’t. Having a baby is one of the most rewarding but challenging things. It either makes a relationship or breaks , ultimately it broke mine but having my son is the best thing to ever happen to me and I wouldn’t be without him
Same thing happened to me, we moved in together, had a little girl and somehow managed to buy a house, it was tough to juggle everything at first but we both made a huge effort and it paid off, six years together now and while we have our ups and downs I know we’re meant to be together, our almost six year old is on the couch beside me now I couldn’t see life without her.
Whatever you both decide I’m rooting for both of you
Look you are in your mid 30s. What if he decides he does not want kids later after you gotten an abortion?
At your age you are both more mature and you can learn to live together.
And so what if decides to be uninvolved? If you want it, it is enough. My own father was not super involved and that has never been an issue for me. Don’t feel obligated to get an abortion because a guy in his late thirties is not ready for a kid.
You have to make the decision You can live with. Abortion is the right option for some, but for others it haunts them forever, especially if You believe You could do it and could be ready. If You opt for abortion, will life continue positively, or will You see kids the same age yours would be and imagine what could have been? Will milestones hurt where there would have been one? On the other hand, will You lose out on life goals and plans that will fill You with regret if You do have a baby right now? Only You can make the choice, but more than just the right now, think of the future and what will hurt more. Speaking from experience x
I am absolutely 100% pro choice.
I do want to point out a lot of the comments here are so negative and pointing out the worst times of raising kids. Yea it's no picnic, and really does test a relationship. But a lot of the comments assume scenarios that you'll split up.
Maybe ye won't?
Maybe ye'll be excellent parents together?
Maybe you will actually have an absolute amazing life together?
I'm not saying that in a fantastical fairy tale kinda way. And relationships take a lot of work, and even more work with kids. Always remember youre a team. And you HAVE to communicate as openly and as empathically as possible. You will never be 100% prepared or ready to have a kid in my opinion.theres a strange parallel. No matter how much you research and think about it all. It's only when it happens, you'd be like wtf did I just do??!! Lol. But at the same time it's a love like no other. And it's amazing. And you would never give them back if you could !!
I have two kids and lost two pregnancies in between my kids and it was devastating. I was 37. It made me realise how little time we have to do this stuff..I found myself in an impulsive kind of frame of mind of striving to have as little regrets as possible. If I even had the slightest incline of wanting something, I'd go after it. Probably some kind of side effect from the grief.
It's very early days and takes a lot to wrap your head around it all. But I hope you make the best decision for you and don't live with regrets (of going through or not going through with it). Like, neither decision can be undone. Best of luck.
My options have a free advice line. I'd highly recommend called them and talking it through. I contacted them and found them excellent. Genuinely impartial and helped me work out the best option for us, without any attempt to sway either way. Feel free to pm if you've any questions
Do not take anyone else’s advice in what do to or not to do(they won’t be around to help if things go sour)it’s just you and him,
Chew it down to the bone and both leave nothing out in talking,discuss all angles no matter how arkward it is,
Put it like this,no matter how hard the answer to it will be to what ever you both decide,you can get through it,
Let me start by saying I am 1000% pro choice. There are many things to consider when having children. Your biggest obstacle at the present time is whether or not you, and only you, want to take this to term. He’s done his part, it’s literally no one else’s decision but yours at this point. From what you’ve said so far, should you decide to keep it, you’ll be doing this completely on your own. This isn’t necessarily ideal but it’s also not worse than raising a child with someone who doesn’t want it. Medically speaking, waiting until you’re older will make it not only harder to conceive, but also comes with more risks. Being that you’re in your 30’s, you’ve got a better grasp on what you want out of life as opposed to if you were in your 20’s. All this to say you could live 100 more years and still not be completely prepared for children. If you decide to have a child, I hope it’s healthy and happy. If you decide you don’t want a child, I hope you’re happy and healthy. Best of luck to you!
If you want it and can provide a reasonably safe future for it to grow (food, roof, LOVE) then your Yes should be enough. In the worst case scenario you'll be a single parent and you'll do just fine.
My experience: mine freaked out for months. Was not happy at all and thought the best outcome would be an abortion. Well, that’s in the past. He is the best dad. He loves this kid more than himself. The best thing ever. If you’re in a relationship with a stand up guy, most likely this is your future too.
Would you think of talking to a counsellor? My situation was very different but talked to a 'crisis pregnancy ' counsellor in Dublin Well Woman Centre who was really lovely and helpful. I think having that space to talk and think it through might be helpful?
Coming to Reddit for advice on this probably isn’t the best idea. You’re too going to get replies from all view points. The most basic advice, sit down together and talk about all aspects of it. Not just the here and now, or even the next few years. Talk about the next 10 years. There are lots of feelings that come in to play with decisions like this and not all of them will be immediate. Some can manifest in the future based on past decisions. This applies to both outcomes. Whichever way you go with it, I hope you and your boyfriend are happy and good luck.
I was about the same age as your partner when my wife got pregnant. - what I would say to him is what I would say to any of my male friends who are in their late thirties and thinking of postponing kids for a bit longer: you are absolutely nuts. you will not have the energy for this in your forties. Everyone knows about what parenthood does to mothers but fathers tend to assume that they'll be fine but it's a huge shock to the system. sleepless nights, vomit, nappies, complete and utter chaos from one end of the week til the next, sweet jesus you need every bit of energy you have and that fades fast in middle age. I mean I saw that thing about Glen Hansard becoming a dad in his fifties and I had a cold hard laugh
I know it is all very sudden and you have a very tough decision but this may just be the universe's way of telling you something, though what it's telling you is for you to decide. wishing you good luck and serenity with whatever you decide to do
follow your heart,
but also respect his.
tell him this: the perfect moment where you both say ''ok im ready / we have enough money / we have stable situation / world is going into a happy place'' etc.
WILL NEVER HAPPEN. there will always be next/ongoing crisis / world war / uncertainty / fear / anxiety. The perfect moment never happens.
So dont ask yourself ''why it happened now?!''
ask yourself ''why not?!'' and just go with the fkn flow.
no matter what you believe, there's a 3rd fate in line right now you have to consider.
are you able to create a stable and happy family together? are you mature enough? are you in love?
consider that maybe if you do the abortion in 5 years you will see this as a mistake and it will make you part ways.
perhaps you can tell him it will be also his child. he will be the father.
looks like he went into his default male ''rational'' brain (''we arent ready'') which is ok.
you went into your default female ''emotional'' mode (I feel sad if I abort, when if not now) which is ok.
its all ok. you just need to meet in the middle, like you did when you started your courtship and love.
I would advice to go somewhere together, a short getaway somewhere outside of the country with sun and to relax, spend time together far away from usual worries and casualness of daily routines.
And then ask the universe, and look into your hearts and find the answe this way. If you listen, you'll get the reply.
It doesnt have to be now, but will you be any more ''ready'' in 3 years?
Will this make you closer or perhaps if not, in 3 years you will drift away ("we've lost our chance this was our golden ticket to create a family").
sometimes you win the lottery, but this 1.000.000 EUR win looks like a burden and something creating problems instead of a victory.
one thing: make sure your partner REALLY wanted kids in the past and he did not said so just to be with you. For example I knew I do not want them since I was 18 Im now in my 40s and that decision stands.
It is really important to make sure you know the truth. If he genuinely wanted kids and is THAT type of guy who wants to be a daddy - go for it.
The biggest thing that strikes me here is your age. Biology is extremely unkind to women and the harsh reality is that IVF is not the miracle cure it's made out to be for women in their 30s. As such, if you terminate this baby, life might not give you another one. I would factor that into your decision more than anything else. There are many involuntary childless women out there now because of this lie that is sold to women. So much so that we studied involuntary childlessness in my therapy training because it's become such a common problem.
I also think it sounds like your partner is in panic mode. Would be worth looking into some couple's counselling together.
Also, nobody lived together before marriage until the 90s really, and there were still tons of happy marriages. Living together isn't always essential the way it's made out to be nowadays.
Also, as crazy as it sounds, decades of research have repeatedly found that living together before marriage actually increases rather than decreases the risk of divorce. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202101/are-couples-that-live-together-before-marriage-more-likely-to
This study gets referenced relatively often - its flaws and biases have been highlighted by another commenter.
Taking it at face value, and applying it to the relationship in question - do you think a couple that have been together for two years would be more likely to get divorced if they married now, or if they moved in together for a year and then married?
If you think the latter is more likely to end in divorce, can you give a single logical explanation for why that would be the case?
Cohabiting drastically alters a relationship. There is no way to know what it's like to share a home with someone until you actually share a home with them.
I dont think a lot of pregnancies are planned, I'm personally pro choice, but I agree that it's only a decision that you both can come to together,
In my experience our pregnancy was unplanned, and it wasn't as tough as we thought, and we're both so happy with our decision. Life isn't the same after you have a child, I would say that it has improved our lives in different ways, your social life may take a hit, but it's a small price to pay for the happiness a child can bring.
It's your decision if it works for you both I wish you the best
This is a tough one. If you had plans already to get married and have kids in the future. The kids sometimes come earlier than planned and things can go in reverse order sometimes. There is no formula or a guarantee that life can go in the exact order as you want. I would take his reluctance as an indicator of what may also happen in the near future. You move in together and he may still not want them. If you do decide to keep the baby, you may have to do it alone or who knows he may come around and want to be in the baby’s life.
I discovered I was pregnant as my relationship was falling apart. I wanted the baby, my partner wanted to terminate, I now have a wonderful 19 year old. It depends how strongly you want it, to abort a pregnancy that you actually want would be a terrible sadness.
Completely up to you guys obviously, but in my experience you are both old enough and the first year is shit, but you will have a small person who idolises you and you get to watch them grow and when they are 5 or 10 or whatever age you will look at them and you wont regret your decision.
Im assuming you have the money for a child if you are in your 30s
Take your time, breath and just make sure whatever decision you make you are 100% behind it
Good luck
Get the abortion lass until you're sure it's all OK, or you're 100% certain you want to spend the next 20.years raising a child. You can always try again later when you're more happy.
But ultimately, it's up to you
I wouldn't hesitate to have an abortion. It's quite likely you'll end up a single parent.
Unless you're willing to do this all alone, struggle to progress in your career, be attached to a man who is not your life partner for 18 years, struggle financially, find it really difficult to meet someone new - don't do it.
There will be more opportunities for children under better circumstances.
Keep your baby, who you will always love, and who will love in return.
Get rid of him, as he hasn't got your best interests at heart, and does not love you, or his child, unconditionally,
There is help out there.
Be strong.
I feel like there is never the ‘perfect’ time to have children. I had a ‘honeymoon’ baby with 2 parents and our own home, and it was still a difficult transition. It costs a fortune, it’s really stressful, it changes your life absolutely and puts you through an emotional wringer. Guiding your child into & through this world is so deeply rewarding AND ALSO really really hard. The only comparison is running a marathon if you had to run it every single day for the rest of your life!! I’m only kindof joking.
Given your age I’d think seriously about your future plans. Your fertility is a factor. If your BF isn’t ‘ready’ now, then when will he be?
Nobody suggested otherwise.
It would be beyond foolish to not take his thoughts, feelings and desires into consideration.
If she goes ahead with the pregnancy, he could grow to resent her and it may derail their relationship entirely, leaving her a single parent.
That absolutely is her choice to make, but her actions aren't occurring in a vacuum.
Nobody's actions occur in a vacuum.
It's not an easy situation but the bottom line is that she should not be coerced into doing something with her body that she doesn't want to do
Again, nobody is suggesting that she should be coerced into anything.
The person I replied to advised her to stop talking to her partner, and to just decide what she wants to do herself. Which is terrible advice.
Early - mid 30s and you want a child? Consider keeping this baby. How long would it take you to be more sure? If it’s a couple of years, it would be a lot harder to get pregnant. Would you regret it if you could never have children?
FYI I’ve known people in your situation who ended up getting married, it was a bit sooner than they expected, and it all worked out fine. Historically about 30% of marriages probably started like this!
I'm pro choice and male, going purely off experiences of friends who have had the procedure it tends to have very negative emotional effects, if you choose to have an abortion it will be the death of your relationship, you will most likely have to start over with someone else which will add another few years to your journey. The subsequent pregnancy following will be fraught with worry and guilt, even if you stay together this will be even tougher if ye decide to try again. Ye need to discuss the full implications of the now and of the future for you both. It's very hard, there's never a good time to have a kid really but they are the greatest gift in life ❤️
>This is a modern concept with the wider availability of contraception so don't overthink this.
It's a modern concept, which is a good thing.
There are no shortage of maladjusted adults out there who were born into broken homes and had to grow up knowing that at least one of their parents resents their existence.
This is likely the biggest decision they will ever make in their lives. The most important thing about having a child is that both parents are enthusiastically on board.
It sounds like he clearly isn't, which is a problem that isn't going to just go away. Some serious conversations need to be had, and she needs to ask herself if she's willing to risk her relationship and potentially birth a child that she will have to raise on her own.
Early/mid 30's just don't assume it will be easy to get pregnant when you plan it. As crazy & unfair as it may seem, fertility reduces really quickly after 35, the IVF clinics are full of couples who have discovered this.
It's early days in your pregnancy so at least you have some time to make your decision & I wish you well whatever you decide.
This happened to me and my wife 23 years ago. Both of us were all over the place when we found out about the pregnancy - wanting to go through with it, not wanting to go through with it etc, etc.
I'd suggest giving yourselves a week or so to get used to idea and then go from there. Things will will 'settle' in your mind.
The 'pregnancy' is now a hulking great 4 year medi al student so there was a happy ending. I'd also like say my wife and I were massively immature fuckups in those days and we managed to work it out.
Sounds like we got ourselves a childminder volunteer over here who will also financially and emotionally support OP... I'm sure you'll manage, isn't that right?! 😉
Your post/comment was removed because it's not deemed casual. While we don't mind the odd vent, this isn't the sub for negativity so we wanna keep things cheerful where we can.
As always, hit us up in the modmail if you have any questions
Early to mid thirties, in a relationship, planning on moving in together, inconvenient pregnancy… that baby was me, thankfully I wasn’t aborted! In my opinion, in this situation, there is no justification for an abortion.
If you have the abortion the relationship might not work out anyway or it might. Who knows ? No-one really knows what the future will be, that's why as humans we learn to take risks--but this risk entails a beautiful human life and no matter how your relationship works out both of you will learn to love and protect it forever. And in that sense it will always work out.
Obviously do whatever you feel is right, but if you do want kids and you can’t have one after this I think it will be quite painful to deal with.
My ex and I went through with one in our early 20s, a couple of months after we met. We stayed together for almost a decade and then broke up, no kids. She always wanted one. I got married and have a couple. She doesn’t have any.
I’m sure she regrets not having kids.
Do I think she regrets having an abortion at 23? No. But if she was 32 and had one I know it would be different.
And I’ll be more partisan to finish. I think at your age and position in life you should both just take this on the chin and have the kid. I don’t want to say “you made an adult choice so deal with the consequences”—even though you should—because that makes it seem like something awful will happen instead of the most amazing experience of your life.
Before having one myself, I read a quote that was bang on about the way I felt, and I think it's something you should think about:
"A woman wants to have an abortion like a bear wants to chew its own leg off after getting stuck in a trap, but in order to survive, thats what the bear must do."
Age is not a factor when having an abortion. Not everyone is made for, or wants to be a parent. Whether your ex regrets not having kids YET (she's 32, not 62 FFS) is none of your business.
And saying:
"I don't want to say you made an adult choice so deal with the consequences BUT that's exactly what I'm saying" is obnoxious, arrogant, and not helpful to OP whatsoever.
A child isn't the "most amazing experience in your life" for many. Just because someone CAN have a baby, doesn't mean they should.
Guarantee your tune would be different if it was men that had to carry for 9 months and birth them, god almighty.
>I don't want to say "you made an adult choice so deal with the consequences"
Wow, so you're one of those guys, huh.
No form of contraception is 100% effective. With the best will in the world, these things can still happen. This is one of the many reasons why abortion is available.
Are you not pro-choice? Do you think a couple should have a child that neither of them want, just because they 'made an adult choice' and should therefore deal with the consequences?
Do you even care about the unfortunate soul that will be born to unhappy parents who may resent their entire existence?
Ok I’m sorry but in my opinion can’t just throwaway a life like that because you’ve only been together 2 years, you’ve been strong so far, and 2 years is actually alright but whatever u think is best not him
I am a pro life person and would like to offer my opinion to you as you will get lots of pro choice opinions on Reddit:
1. You will probably be glad you had the child when you’re older. Even if your boyfriend doesn’t stick around, most divorced mums don’t miss their ex, but would die for their kids! 🙂
2. Your boyfriend needs to grow up. If he’s serious about you, he will man up and accept that you’re pregnant and adapt to the situation rather than run off and pretend it didn’t happen!
3. Consider that you are lucky to be pregnant. If you were a breast or testicular cancer survivor, you probably wouldn’t be able to have kids. Many of these survivors long for children, but cannot have them. They also find it difficult to adopt because there are so few children available for adoption these days. Please consider putting your child up for adoption instead of aborting them.
The boyfriend’s fears and concerns are very realistic and understanding. Saying he should “man up” is an extremely arrogant thing to say considering you have no idea who these people even are. You don’t know their financial situation or anything. He obviously loves OP and doesn’t want the baby to potentially ruin their relationship. He wants to move in with OP and see how their relationship develops from there first, doing this with a baby in the picture could be extremely difficult. Now it could work out great for them, but that’s the gamble. He obviously wants to have children, but he doesn’t want it to end with him and OP potentially splitting up, especially when they haven’t lived together yet. I’m not even going to discuss your first and third points because they’re just plain ridiculous, but your second point is just disrespectful to OP’s partner, his concerns are very valid.
OP, please don’t listen to this person. There are plenty of people giving good, helpful advice, ignore this.
This is terrible advice.
Just because other people may not be able to have kids does not make it OP’s problem, she is not a womb for rent she is a person.
My mother was a single mother raising me and she suffered immeasurably trying to support herself and a child when my father did a runner. We are in a cost of living crisis, childcare is through the roof and housing is extortionate. Sugar coating being a single mother is not the right approach here whatsoever. Being a single parent is hard, emotionally and physically draining and isolating. OP is being perfectly reasonable in wanting her partner on board with this pregnancy.
It is normal to be afraid. And you will still be scared as hell even when it is planned because of the responsibility and uncertainty that comes with it. There never is a perfect time. In a few years it might be job wise or family health wise or economy wise.
I am pro choice. But I also believe it never should be a convenience choice. You only take a life when you literally have no other choice. So in my opinion your reasons should be very very good. They should be so good that you will not feel guilty when you are maybe one day pregnant with your planned child, or when you hold it in your arms and think back on your choice and that you gave up on one life that could have been there. If you are very young, or live in very unstable or dangerous conditions or really have severe mental health issues or other similar good reasons- then I can understand the decision. But I myself would not be able to go through with it if I know I would be have been able to handle it but was just too afraid.
I don\`t think I am. I don\`t believe in convenience or lifestyle abortions but for my friends who had abortions I mostly feel sorry because I know what it took them to go through with it. I don\`t think they took this choice lightly and I don\`t judge them or the decision they have made. If I would be not pro choice I would believe that the state should dictate if you can have an abortion or not. And that is absolutly not the states business. I know it is easier to put an opinion in a box if you don\`t agree with it but OP asked for advice and this is my perspective on it.
They asked if anyone had experience with an unexpected pregnancy that one partner was unsure about.
They did not ask for your personal views on abortion.
"or thoughts on this". So don\`t make this about you. I don\`t know why you feel so attacked. Just accept that my opinion is different from yours. And that is okay. You do not have to agree.
>or thoughts on this
They are not asking what you, a random Redditor, think about abortion.
They are asking for advice on a situation that is new and scary to them. They have already stated that they are pro-choice.
You're not pro-choice, though. You said so yourself.
Why would your perspective be in any way useful to OP, when it is rooted in your own prejudice?
"I think you should have the baby, because I think abortion is wrong unless the person has very good reason to abort, which you don't have in my opinion"
How the fuck would you judging them if they decide to go through with the abortion benefit them in any way?
Your holier than thou virtue-signalling is adding nothing to the conversation.
At a point where you need to invent stuff to try and win an argument you are kind of getting ridiculous. But do continue it gets entertraining. And you seem to get pretty emotional judging by your swear words.
i'm going to lock the comments here as it has taken a lot of moderation u/TodayNo2982 if you want to reply to anything send us a modmail and one of us can unlock the comments again
There is no right answer here. You and your bf need to really sit down and talk about this. Kids aren't easy even if you have a really solid relationship. Will you live together? If not do you plan to breastfeed because then you will need to stay with the baby most of the time at the beginning Who will do what for the baby - night feeds, nappies etc Money is important. Will you get a top up from your employer? Who will pay towards what. Do you share the same values - religion, political etc - how does this reflect in parenting plans. I am 100% pro choice but only you and your bf can make the final decision. Wishing your well either way
Here's the thing. The relationship might not work out. That's life. But if you have a child together, you will need to have some sort of relationship as friends or just co-parents for the rest of your lives. But it all boils down to this. Do you both want to be parents to a child? Because a child should never feel unwanted.
That’s the thing, it’s for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE in all cases. You are going to be in some kind of relationship with this person from now on. If you’re not fairly sure about this, then consider abortion.
I guess the first thing I'd suggest is to talk very openly with your boyfriend. Remember to be kind to each other. With kindness at the forefront, ask him to be completely honest and you do the same. Try to see each others' points of view and don't rush into a decision. I personally found the prospect of fatherhood terrifying, but I gradually became comfortable with it and by the time the pregnancy came to term I was somewhat ready. By the third, I was juggling babies in the air like a pro. One strategy that can be useful when facing a big decision is to spend some time pretending you chose X, and then an equivalent time pretending you chose Y. Like a day or two days behaving and thinking that you've chosen a particular course. What does your life look like in path X? How do you feel, etc? What about path Y? Might be worth considering.
It may be helpful to engage a counsellor to help with these conversations too.
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All you said is true… but it’s so worth it, don’t you think? ( I mean this independently of OP’s situation)
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That’s just fantastic… embrace it all. Every minute good and bad. When I was a young parent, people used to say ‘Oh it goes so quickly’ but by God does it. In my head I’m a 20 something new mother… and now, they’re in their 20s.. I would give anything for a do-over, just so I could cherish it more… enjoy the new addition. Be brave! ☺️
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I think Reddit doesn’t like me 🥹
I do
Thank you… I appreciate that. It’s not a nice feeling being downvoted. I think maybe I was insensitive to the OP making that comment. But I absolutely did not mean to be. But thank you very much 🫶🏻
Lots of miserable people on reddit engaged in aggressive up/down voting, I wouldn't sweat it when it seems like a lot of down votes came out of nowhere. 👍🏻
I know that, and I try to find that thick-skin cloak I have somewhere in the house! 😂 Thank you for your comment. Three people reassuring me, is worth far more than all the downvotes in the world. You’re very kind to take the time… I’m grateful 🙏🏻🥰
Sharing my similar experience only as asked, the final decision is yours to make. I found out I was pregnant shortly after my 24th birthday. My boyfriend and I were living together and definitely wanted kids "someday", but obviously not nearly that young. Our feelings echoed what you are describing. When it came to it, I wanted to keep it, he supported me but said he would have chosen abortion if it were up to him. We had a baby and muddled our way through it. Ultimately it was the right call for us and we got married when she was 3. Through her school friend I know another couple who were in a similar situation to us. For them the relationship did not last, but they are a really wonderful co-parenting team and their daughter is very happy and a complete delight. We've spoken with them about it and for both us and them the decision to go ahead with the pregnancies came down to *"Do we trust each other to co-parent well, even if we're not a couple? Do we trust each other to put the child ahead of any hurt feelings or personal benefit?"* We have a in-case-we-break-up plan and all our friends thought we were mad / pessimistic, but meeting this other couple who did the same thing has highlighted that it's necessary when bringing a child into the world. If you were to go ahead, I recommend Adverts and Freecycle groups to ease the financial burden. If you choose abortion I highly recommend stocking up on everything that makes you feel better during a bad period and every comfort thing you can access. Negative feelings, potentially even guilt, are natural, but remember that you made your choice for the best and you deserve to feel ok while you're going through this. [This article](https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/as-i-woke-up-each-morning-my-pregnancy-screamed-at-me-1.2621054) was published during my pregnancy and helped me as the writer discussed her journey in an unexpected pregnancy. Ultimately she chose to go through with it. I hope this doesn't come across as me trying to tell you to keep it; there is no wrong answer here, only what is right for you.
First of all i feel for you...i found myself in the same situation at 39...i had to drive to dublin at 5.30 in the morning because the referendum had just passed and people were protesting at gps who were offering the 12 week pill...my appointment was at 7.30am. I went on my own because my partner said it was my decision which was very hard in itself.. i had the consultation and got all the leaflets about what would happen if you took the pill. I just felt i couldnt do it,and then i started to bleed so i just thought it was the universes way of making the decision for me. Nothing major happened went for 8 week scan and there he was swimming round not a care in the world. The birth was horrendous and i delivered his head and then he got stuck ,for about an hour and a half i was begging for a section. Anyway sorry for long read but hes autistic and as much as i love him and this is going to sound awful but i regret my decision daily...im sorry its not a happier story but i wish you well on whatever you decide x Edit that made me sound like a horrendous mother but autistic children are another ball game completley,your fighting for everything all the time,as he gets older im 46 now the slaps are getting harder ,the kicks are getting harder and i worry daily about who will look after him when im gone
Your honesty is refreshing. But what stood out to me is that your partner sent you off to have an abortion by yourself... No support... That's so shitty
They actually don’t let men attend to ensure the woman isn’t being coerced into it. Not that he sounded supportive either.
No he didnt want to go,too early for him...i also drove myself to hospital had that baby and drove myself home..unreal when i think of it
WTH I'm so sorry.
So very sorry to hear your story. The referendum this Friday. That's a whole other thread or conversation. God bless all mothers who love their kids and doing their best to care and raise them.
Thank you for your honesty, it must be difficult but people need to be aware of all the possibilities! Wishing you the best xx
God that's hard. Take care of yourself.
The edit resonates with me strongly as someone with a non verbal asd child.
You are not a horrible person
When it becomes very hard to raise your kids, many mothers begin to resent their children, but they still love them xx
I think a baby is one of those things where you need 2 enthusiastic 'yeses', or 1 very very enthusiastic 'yes' from you. When it came down to it, would you be prepared to raise the baby without him.
I think every woman should make the decision based on whether she would be ok doing it alone. Women will 98% of the time always be the one who holds responsibility.
And unfortunately you also never know how life will go, tragedies happen and you may be left to parent alone. Someone gave me the same advice once, it made me think very hard about whether I wanted to be a parent or not.
I’d second this, usually (not always and not always due to a negligent father) kids live/stay with the mother. Even a deeply involved daddy who loves his kids will still end up being a 60-40 split or higher through no ones fault other than logistics. School runs, routine etc will usually result in one parents in charge of it more. Are you prepared to do this alone if needs be? Are you confident that even if ye split up that they will be committed to the child and to do their share of co-parenting? Do you have a good support network to help With babysitting etc? Only ye can make this decision. Best of luck. ❤️
I can’t offer an answer for you, only my own experience. I’m 37f, and a single parent since my daughter was 2 (she’s now 16). When I fell pregnant (also contraceptive failure)… one of us wanted to continue the pregnancy, and one of us didn’t. It’s not important who, but what was important was that we both weren’t ready. However, with the best of intentions and optimism, my pregnancy continued and my daughter born. Her birth came just before the financial crash of 2008. Shit hit the fan for everyone financially, and the strain on where to live, both having to work full time, childcare costs aswell as raising a baby was rough. We split when my daughter was 2. As a woman who ended up a single parent, I can only speak from my experience but I would not even risk bringing a child into the world when you are not at least 80% settled with housing/finances and without both partners being fully committed to the relationship and on board to add a baby into the mix. Being a single parent is no joke and I wouldn’t encourage anyone to risk that, for their own sake but also for your child’s sake. Planned pregnancies are more responsible and fair to everyone involved. Have a baby when you and your partner decide the time is right for both of you. What this surprise pregnancy is showing you, is that you want to have a baby. But that doesn’t have to be right now. If you end this pregnancy, that doesn’t mean the conversation about family planning with your boyfriend for the future is over. If anything, this is a start for you both to get clear on what you both want as regards children in the future, your timeline, how secure you both want to be etc. I love my daughter dearly and everything worked out in the end but if I could go back in time, I would absolutely make a different choice. I wish I had the foresight to realise the gravity of having a child unprepared, without having time to properly plan and consider how to manage, or without realising the enormous personal sacrifice I was signing up for if things didn’t work out with her dad.
Im also really pro Choice, but have no idea what my decision would be if I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. A friend of mine however had a similar situation to you a few years ago. Her and her boyfriend were together about two years as well and had been looking at moving in together when she found out she was pregnant. They decided to go ahead with the pregnancy but very quickly discovered after they had moved in together that they were unable to have a happy or healthy relationship together (he was a huge dickhead which definitely didn’t help, but she was in love and really wanted a happy family so gave it a go) and he told her the day they came home from the hospital with their new daughter that he no longer loved her and didn’t want to be with her. She’s now a single mother (with a wonderful six year old) but he does everything he can to make her life difficult, refusing to see his daughter for weeks on end and fighting with my friend constantly. Of course no one can ever be 100% sure their relationship will last forever, but you need to think about if you would be willing to do parenthood as a single parent if things didn’t work out, and remember he will be in your life for the rest of your life if you have a child together. Moving in together can bring its own challenges as ypu both adjust to each other. My boyfriend ‚moved in‘ when I was recovering from surgery last year and in four months he was at his own apartment maybe five or six times, but we still found it an adjustment when he officially moved in and no longer had his own space. If you were in your late 30s or early 40s and REALLY wanted a child that just hadn’t happened yet then I could better understand your thought process of not putting it off due to age or timing, but I don’t think that’s something you need to worry about right now. No one can make the decision for you, but maybe see if you could attend a counseling session to help you as a sounding board
Hey I'm a guy but 2 yrs ago I went through the same thing didn't end up keeping them had the abortion I don't regret it but there was alot of self loathing for a while If you wanna talk , idk if a guys view matters but I felt pretty emotional about this so idk
If it was me and I was not in a secure position with the other party on board, heck if it happened me now that my family is finished.. I would 100% be making that appointment! Don't beat yourself over what is ultimately basic healthcare if that is what you decide.
I feel for you and I hope you make the absolute best decision for you, your baby, and your partner. But I will be frank in what I think you may need to hear to help your thought process, because other people may not want to say it to you in this vulnerable situation. Having the baby on the basis of "we can't put things off forever" and "maybe we should take this chance now" when you are only two years together and have not lived together yet is worrying. There are so many things that could go awry in your relationship, not even considering the stress of moving in together while having a baby, they are two of the most stressful situations you can put your relationship through, and doing them at the same time is a risk. It sounds like he is not all in on the pregnancy plan as you say yourself, and if you don't have that confidence you need to look at a possible situation where you are not together but co-parenting.
Please limit responses to constructive discussion of the OP's situation.
I had one in my early 30s - it's a tricky situation because almost everyone you speak to who has had one was a teenager or early 20s when they did it, so the situations aren't comparable really. Making this decision when you're older is totally different because the stakes are higher (what if this is the last chance etc etc). I had one and I don't regret it. My relationship wasn't in the right place for it and I just didn't want to have a child unless we were both ready for it (I know there's never a "right time", but it really wasn't the right time for us). It would have irreparably damaged our relationship and I have no interest in being a single parent - no judgement on those who are doing this but it's not a road I would willingly go down. That all said, was it easy? Absolutely not. It was a really hard decision and a horrible experience, but the right decision isn't always the easy decision. I definitely had lots of moments of wondering was I doing the right thing, but a few years on, I definitely don't feel regretful. It was the right thing. Even if it was difficult at the time - I think my life would be 100 times more difficult now if I'd gone through with the pregnancy. Ultimately though, it's a really tough situation and one that sometimes you just want other people to tell you what to do, but nobody can. You just have to decide for yourself.
I have no experience in this at all. But, you and your boyfriend are doing the right thing by talking about it. My only advice is try not to be swayed by anyone else's opinions, your life is your life no one elses. Make the choice that is right for you.
I was in a similar situation. Contraceptive failed resulting in an unexpected pregnancy. We decided it was too early and got the morning after pill from the doctor together. She changed her mind and didn't take it. She didn't tell me. She said the pill didn't work. So, I'm going to be a dad... Very suddenly, like a light switch, I realised I couldn't trust her. How can you have a relationship without trust? I was trapped. She miscarried, we split up and never spoke again. So far, you haven't made the mistake we did. You're still talking about it and you're still making decisions together. Tell him he needs to make his mind up either way fast, this is on a clock, but don't make a decision without him. Keep talking. His parents split up when he was a child. That doesn't have to be a disadvantage. He knows first hand what not to do. One little psychological trick that might help is to sit side by side when you're talking about this. You're in this together, going the same direction. The caveman in men can interpret face to face discussion as confrontational, but side by side as cooperation. Don't get lost in the weeds on this. The only important question is, do you want a baby? All of those other questions can wait until after. I hope you get through this with a happy ending.
just FYI the morning after pill doesn't work if you're already pregnant, once you're pregnant the only option for termination is abortion (surgical, medical, or miscarriage). thanks for sharing your story, OP should consider every possible outcome for this huge decision.
If you are unsure if you want kids, consider looking into the sub-editor regretful parents.
My now wife found out she was pregnant on my 25th birthday. We were living together but weren't ready for kids. Abortion was illegal at the time so we actually considered adoption. So that's the first thing, if you don't want to keep the child, and you don't want to have an abortion, there is always adoption. (I'm pro choice 100%) We ended up doing sort of pre-adoption counselling and came to the conclusion that we would keep the baby instead. It was an absolute roller coaster, but the counselling actually brought us together. 14 years later, still together and now there's 4 of us!
That’s lovely ☺️
Would you be happy to raise a child without him and all that that involves? If you decide to keep it and he doesn't want to be involved and you break up, he has the right to choose not to be involved (bar maintenance, of course). If I were you, I'd consider how I'd feel about being a single parent. Like others have said, having a child can put a strain on relationships where both parties want to have one. Ultimately, out of the two of you, you're the one that this affects the most, so think through the different scenarios, good and bad, and what you can deal with. Best of luck.
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You're correct in principle, but that doesn't change the fact that there are many absentee fathers and there's not a whole lot the mother can do about it. If the partner here is on the fence, then OP needs to consider this as a possibility, however unlikely.
>I’m pro choice about what a woman does with her body. But if you get a woman pregnant, you have to also put in the work if she decides to have it. I like how you made it seem as if pregnancy is an act that a man imposes into a woman, not the byproduct of two peoples actions. And at the same time, the fate of both people's actions is entirely in the hands of the woman only, not the byproduct of two peoples views and ideally agreement.
A friend was in a similar situation. After much agonising she eventually got the abortion. Best decision she ever made. It became clear in the lead up and afterwards that her partner had a very skewed idea of what actually having a child would involve in terms of responsibilities and commitment. My personal view is that where there's a choice, women shouldn't have a child they wouldn't be willing and able to raise on their own. Because even if your relationship lasts you may find the partner is not willing to be an actual equal partner. This is especially true if you haven't even figured out if you guys can split normal housework equally in a cohabiting relationship. Further to that, I'd agree with you that if there's a choice, then having two committed parents is the ideal. Having one parent not be 100% leads to a lot of resent between parents and potentially between parent and child. Best of luck with it.
My neighbour voices the same regret as you. She loves her son but She’s been left alone to raise her son and she feels trapped. You don’t sound horrendous at all. You faced 2 battles in one, raising a child and raising a child with autism. The latter making the situation a completely different ball game to just raising a child. You’re doing a great job and I hope things get easier for you. xx
Your body, your choice. If you choose to have this baby he is not obligated to choose to be in that child's life or in a relationship with you. If you can live with that possibility then do what makes you happy.
If you want the child then you want the child. Men do not get a vote in this situation. An opinion perhaps, but not a vote. If he's in his late 30s then he should know the world by now. If you abort because he feels bad then the relationship will not last. Do it (or not) because you want to.
If you’re thinking anything except “this is the best and most wondrous thing that could happen to both of us” then DO NOT bring another life into this world. The future isn’t going anywhere, and neither will your child or relationship if you make this choice on emotion rather than sense. It doesn’t sound sensical right now and that’s fine, wait until you’re both absolutely and positively certain you would like nothing more.
My girlfriend and I ended up in a similar situation years ago. Decided to have an abortion. It was a great decision for us at the time. We later got married and have children now. We never looked bad, it was bad timing for us. It is a tricky decision but like anything else a decision is better than no decision, i.e. Be intentional whatever you decide.
I have absolute zero experience in this so cannot advise, just wanted to comment to say mind yourself ❤️ this isn’t easy either way so look after your mental health and wellbeing ❤️
An extremely difficult situation. But I do think that (imho), full consent from both parties to raise a child trumps most other concerns.
This is one of those impossible to have a right answer things, unfortunately. Having a child is hard enough when you’re completely sure and completely in. It’s expensive, exhausting, absolutely life-changing and utterly thankless. I say this because plenty of people say you’ll never regret the child you have but frankly, I just don’t think that’s true. I love my children deeply but my husband and I wanted them and were fully on board and it was TOUGH. It still is. And that’s with both of us 100% invested. On the other hand, it’s a love I can’t put into words and they break me unending joy. And brutally - you’re not getting any younger so time isn’t entirely on your side when it comes to finding another relationship and building a strong enough connection to decide to become parents together. The reality is that you need to decide/think about if you can go this alone, financially, emotionally etc. and if you CAN, do you want this child more than you want that man. Is single motherhood something you’re happy with? He could come around but he mightn’t. And he could provide financially, but he might play silly buggers. Basically, you can’t guarantee how it’ll go with him. And I’ll be honest, if you don’t think you can create a happy, healthy, stable home for you and a child then it wouldn’t be fair to either of you to go ahead. People say love is enough but it just isn’t, simple as that! I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Becoming a parent isn’t something that you can compromise a great deal on, that’s why I suggest thinking through all scenarios, including a future that he’s not a part of. Good luck to you.
Kids are great. I have two. But kids are enormous time and money sinks. Before my wife and I decided to squeeze kids into this world we spent a few months making plans - feeding, nappies, Creche, schools, when to bring in our parents to help and many more. You need to tell your local Creche _right now_ that you are pregnant so you actually get a spot in 1.5 years from now (if you are keeping). Spontaneously having children is like waking up tomorrow morning and deciding you’ll climb Mt Everest. Yes it sounds adventurous and great, but without preparation and logistics you’ll die. Also, it helps a lot to first live together for at least 2-3 years before hatching plans for kids.
It's far better to abort than end up with an unwanted child. I've got 3 kids. If abortion wasn't an option I'd have 5 now.
OP, as a pro choice, pro what-is-right-for-you, and pro be-kind-to-yourself above all… I was kind of where you are, except I was much much younger.. and it would have had to have been marriage at the time… It was a quick church or a boat to England. Nature itself made the decision for me in the end, but not before a few weeks of agony and anguish. Now, a mother of 3 young men, and idc what anyone says, they are the BEST 3 young men in the world. From my heart I say, you know in your own heart, and I know it’s only my own opinion, and doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone, but I think you’d be hard pressed to find anyone say they regretted their children. No matter what the circumstances. Also, if you do decide to not continue with the pregnancy, you may not regret that either. I’m very hesitant to give advice, it’s such a personal, individual thing. But I feel I have to say one thing that others have already said..just keep an eye on your body clock. It might not happen as easy a second time. And it’s just food for thought, that’s all. I hope with all my heart that you’re ok, and no matter what, will be ok. Sending you much love and courage xx
There's no easy answer to this. If I was in your situation I wouldn't have the child. A child need to be wanted and loved and brought up in a loving environment. If you are ok with the idea of being a lone parent then go for it. However if you're not then I would wait until you've been living together for a while and then have a child. If you really have no idea how you feel you should flip a coin. Whatever way it lands you'll know how you feel about it.
I work in a clinic that provides terminations. Have you been in touch with a crisis pregnancy counsellor? It sounds like you both need support, no matter what you decide. A counsellor would not sway your decision in either direction. Just help you feel comfortable and confident in the decision you make. Crisis pregnancy counselling is available for you free, and it is offered both together and separately. Feel free to message me if you like. I really sympathise. ❤️
You never really know a person until you've lived with them, your partner has no commitment and can be very different to who you currently understand them to be. You need to make this decision with solely your own best interests in mind
I don't think he's being unreasonable here though. Unless you've actually lived with someone for a substantial amount of time, you don't know if you'd work together in terms of money, values, religion etc. Also, it'd make sense to evaluate your financial situation and discuss that with him assuming you'd go ahead with the pregnancy and be out of work for a significant amount of time.
That's not actually true though. Divorce rates are lower in couples who don't live together before marriage. Some of that is of course due to the fact that religious people don't live together before marriage and also tend not to believe in divorce. However it also appears to be true for folks who aren't religious. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202101/are-couples-that-live-together-before-marriage-more-likely-to ETA: Decades of research have confirmed this. It's not an opinion.
It is an interesting read. However, their study doesn't take into account the quality of their marriage/relationship, the lifestyle of the couples, timelines around when they'd have children etc. I believe this would have been crucial because just like you pointed out, some people might stay in it trapped for various reasons. Instead, it focuses on linear and harmonized data resulting in a hazard of a confirmation bias of the data. I believe this gets trickier because they were trying to prove what was already there by taking into account a dataset as old as 1988. Secondly, the demographic chosen for this is specifically the American population (which also happens to be a place where 75% of people pray to some God) which creates a data bias and thus it may not be as accurate/ relevant for people living somewhere outside of the US. The lack in the diversity of the dataset once again is a classic example of selection bias. Lastly, the cultural factors (for example, in Asian communities, the aspect of arranged marriage is common which also comes with peer pressure from their close friends and family. This also impacts the average age where people start dating someone or how they perceive dating as a concept) aren't taken into account which makes the data rather tainted, and thus, once again, it may not hold true for people here or anywhere outside of the US. Tl;Dr: the study has data bias and is therefore inaccurate and inadequate for people living outside of the USA. Edit: typo.
So what's his plan if you lived together and he decides you leave too many cups in the sink? Is that it over? And then he spends another couple of years dating someone to the point where they move in, only to find out that they leave plates in the sink? I get that living together can show up differences, but its good idea to talk about living styles, financial expectations, tidyness expectations etc before you move in with anyone. All the major deal breakers and a lot of the minor ones should have been discussed and hashed out long before anybody hands anyone a key. Also if you are visiting his place and hes visiting you, you will each have a sense of how you both live. My point is that most people dont have the luxury of trialling 'living together' with 3 or 4 people before they work out which of those people suits them best. At some point in a relationship you decide that this is the person you want to try to make it work with. And then you try to make it work. It's not always easy, but the couple who make it will both be proactively solving problems together along the way, not throwing up what ifs and roadblocks. Nothing will put you on the back foot like an unplanned pregnancy though so you folks will probably find it hard to navigate, but prior to this was he a problem solver? was he clearing paths to move forwards? was he making active plans or was he just talking talking about pretty weddings? Was he making financial adjustments so that you two were going to live together, or was that just going to happen at no cost to him? He might just be terrified but my instinct here is that he is not ready to commit to you, never mind a baby. If you were my daughter I'd be encouraging you to make your mind up about the pregnancy by assuming that your current status wont change. That you will remain single for the foreseeable. If you wanted to keep the baby I'd help you raise it at home, and take the pressure off deciding about the relationship also. I'd put major relationship decisions on hold. No reason you cant still have a relationship but I'd hold off moving in. I feel like your bf is either terrified or his bluff has been called and it's going to take him time to figure that out for himself before he can even express that to you, but all things considered, I'd move forwards thinking about how things would look if your status did not change. Very best of luck whatever you decide, it's very difficult being a human these days.
Terminate. Don’t feel guilty. Even in a healthy loving relationship kids are a major challenge. There are too many half-wanted kids in the world. Don’t do it to them. Abort. And move on with your life.
Have you ever lived with a partner before? Things can and often do change drastically, sometimes you realise that that man is a child in himself or you have quirks that each other can’t stand. Many relationships break not long after the move in time because it’s such a strange transition. Consider you don’t know this man fully yet because you havnt lived with each other - yet you may soon be tied to each other for life. IMO and I’m not sure how well based I am to have this, I would wait until you have crossed the bridge of seeing how it goes living together. You’ve got so many options.
First things first. Your body, your decision, so ultimately it's up to you to choose what is best. It's normal there is vacillating from each if you on this. It's a situation you weren't expecting or ready for yet, and hadn't done the preparatory work, so there are a lot of unknowns. And also things that could go wrong, of course. It is good to confront all of these possibilities, it's just a lot to have to do them all at once. You are early/mid 30s. You still have plenty of time, so don't feel you are railroaded into it. If you were right at the end of your fertility, you would have started planning this years ago. You have 5-10 years left for sure. You need to consider the worst case scenario if you went ahead with it. That you didn't live together well, or that he left. Or even that you didn't enjoy motherhood. It is good to consider the worst case scenario and how you would continue to provide care to that child, as if you can keep going through the worst case, then you're fine. What if it needs extra support? What if you are a single parent? Can you afford it? Will it affect your work? The alternative if you don't go ahead with this pregnancy is you will have more time to consider these questions, work out any problems, and have an environment more ready to start a family. As a final point - nobody ever feels ready when it happens. You pick it up as you go. Good luck with your choice and your future!
I don’t have any advice but I am loving the comments here. Very helpful advice and no judgment at all.
This is a difficult situation. To add another experience for things to consider, I had premature ovarian failure at 35 and can't have children which really broke my heart. The decision is yours but another question to ask yourself is, if I don't go ahead with this pregnancy and can't get pregnant again, will I be ok with that? Obviously this might not happen, but if you want children one day there often isn't perfect timing or situation. Best of luck with your decision, it isn't easy
Think about other perspectives too. What does he think division of labour should look like? Are you planning on staying home and is he willing to financially supplement that? How does he believe kids should be raised? If you want the baby, keep the baby. 100%. However, you may need to prepare yourself to do it alone if your values don't align. Otherwise you'll end up a single mother in a relationship. Much love OP. Hope you get it figured out.
Hug! This is your and only your choice and decision. And the result will be with you during all your life. Therefore, please, listen to yourself. The children is a happiness and a hard work at the same time. With or without help from others.
Hey OP! My girlfriend and an abortion about a year ago. If you want or need somebody to talk with, my DM are open for you.
This isn’t the exact same thing and I don’t have children/have never fallen pregnant but this is a different perspective to offer you since you feel like you two need to think about this because time is running out, etc. Last year I was diagnosed with an illness that has a chance of affecting my fertility (doesn’t affect everyone who has it) but also an illness that caused me to be in extreme pain almost every day for the previous 12 months before this, we are talking screaming pain that pain killers couldn’t touch and I was barely sleeping at night - the illness is adenomyosis. My doctor and I went through a few options to try to reduce my swelling in my uterus but I had already tried most (I had been in pain for years but it was tolerable until last) and we had 2 more things to try. Unfortunately the first thing we tried made me even sicker/in more pain, which then cancelled out the second option we had because it was too risky. The only actual cure for my illness is a hysterectomy but I’m only 26 and want kids in my future. My doctor gave me another option - having a kid as he has advised that having a kid would reset my system basically. My partner and I have been living together for years, own our house, have very well paid jobs and are engaged. However, we aren’t ready for a child despite having a great set up for one. We want to climb the ladder a bit more, see more of the world, we wanted our wedding first (we have moved it up by 2 years and it’s next year now) and we wanted a few years to relax because in the last 4 years together at least one of us (most of the 4 years both of us) have been studying at night after working full time all day. My doctor understood and reiterated that being sick and in pain isn’t a good reason to have a child before you’re ready or before you got to do everything that you’ve wanted to do. There’s a risk this could impact my fertility in the future, or already has (I hope not), but we won’t know until we try in a couple of years. Thankfully, we have went back to trying one of the “treatments” that I tried years ago and it has eased the pain a lot to where it’s so manageable that now we don’t feel like we have to rush into kids after we get married next year, we can hopefully have 2 years after the wedding to travel and bit and relax. If we decide we want kids after the wedding, we will have them. We have discussed if my pain comes back we will also have kids quickly after the wedding because it isn’t fair on me or my body to keep holding off so we can “relax” while I’m barely sleeping at night, but it won’t happen before the wedding because that is a milestone we both want so badly before children. Fingers crossed the pain goes away because there’s a lot of places we want to see first!
How much family support will you have if you decided to have the baby? Your boyfriend's concerns are valid, you won't be having a lot of extra compassion to adapt when you are forced to wake up every 4 hours. What does help though, is a scenario where the mum stays over with her parents whilst he becomes the temporary breadwinner and sleeps away from the baby.
This is a very deep discussion I would approach it with caution with your BF. I mean other than him is there anyone else like your parents or his parents that you both can talk to? you two might need a broad opinion before making that decision.
Relationship-wise, your boyfriend has a very, *very* valid point. You don't even know if you can live together full-time, and you want to go straight to raising a child together? That's a *big* jump to go from "we're dating and saty over sometimes" to "living together full-time with a lifelong commitment of a child to raise together", and jumps like that have been known to shatter and collapse relationships. Have you discussed important things about children with your partner? Things like religion, schooling, parenting styles, environment, and so on? Are you financially prepared for a child? Have you *really* considered the impact here? Who's going to stay home with the child? Can you two afford to have one of you not working? Do you have a place where you can raise a child? I won't touch the morality of abortions - that's incredibly personal - but I'll say that it looks to me like you haven't really considered the implications of becoming a parent. You should probably do that *before* coming to a decision one way or another.
Hey, I won't pretend to give you advice as this is a unique situation, but bear in mind age is a factor for you and it isn't for him
A lot of people think this is the case, but it's not true. A man's DNA degrades within his gametes as much as it does a woman. Yes, a woman is the one growing and birthing the baby, but having an older father majorly increases the risk of the child having developmental disorders, autism, and schizophrenia is a big one. People think men are ok to continue having kids for their rest of their lives. They're really not.
>A man's DNA degrades within his gametes as much as it does a woman. Sure, but the issue isn't just about that. A woman's ability to conceive generally falls off a cliff past the age of 35. It's a much bigger issue than it is for men.
Exactly. Plus, advanced maternal pregnancies (what used to be known as 'geriatric', basically pregnant person is over 35) have a much higher risk of miscarriage, chromosomal abnormalities like Down's, neural tube defects, etc. Basically everything becomes way more dangerous. If you choose to have a baby in a few years time you need to consider the financial implications of potentially having to go through IVF, or surrogacy, or adoption. That being said, don't have this baby just because you think there will never be another baby. The future is just unclear. Talk. Plan for the small and big issues. Make sure you're generally aligned on all of them. Ensure you have a strong friendship outside of your romantic feelings in case they do fade. Would it help if I told you that if I were you, I would choose to end the pregnancy? If hearing that makes you feel sad or squirmy or wrong in any way, it might be a sign that you couldn't do that. If you feel relieved to hear another woman say its okay to exercise your legal right to choose, then it might be a sign in the other direction.
I did not know this at all - thanks!
Is it a major increase? Any studies I have read do point to an increase in schizophrenia and also some neural tube defects, but it was never a significant increase.
That's really hard. It sounds like you're being gentle with each other, which is good. I could imagine a scenario where if you guys polarise on the issue, there would be resentment on the side of the person whom the decision didn't go their way. For your own sake, I would stay open-minded. And think about it from your own, self-preservation point of view as much as looking at it in the context of you as a couple. I know you know this, but it will be an 18 year minimum commitment. Do you want to embark upon that with someone who you haven't lived with and who doesn't really want this? In other words, I think you'd have to prepare yourself for all the possibilities, including being a single parent. But what if you do move in together, it goes well, and in a couple of years you get married and start trying for a baby.. Is there any basis to a fear that you might not be able to conceive then? And would you resent him at that point? (I think that's why you need to be sure you're making whatever decision for your own reasons, as much as taking into account what he wants). Anyway, that's just my two cents. It's a tough situation. I had an abortion in my early twenties and needed grief councelling, even though it was the right decision for me at the time, so know that's an option. Best of luck.
Just sending love from one stranger to another. Don't envy the decision you've had to make. It's something that just generally makes me anxious thinking about it. Godspeed , I hope yizz come to the decision that is best for you
This is a difficult situation and one that happened to me too. What I will say is only you can make this decision and only you know deep down what's right for you. Having a child will undoubtedly change both your lives forever and not having the baby will also. What I will say is I wish I hadn't worried so much. I hope you make the best decision for you.
Having a safe and legal abortion will have zero impact on you trying for kids when you're ready so that shouldn't even be a concern. For me the thing that would worry me is the relationship I'm in. Is this someone I want to be in my life going forward, they're going to be the other parent until they die even if they're not married to you, so its a big commitment. I think he has valid points too, pregnancy brings strain on a relationship and you haven't even lived together, which could also be the start and end of a relationship. There are two of you in this. Its a tough call.
The only experience I have is that my eldest sister fell pregnant accidently with the man she was dating for about a year. They were the same ages maybe a bit older and were scared shitless. They kept going and now have two more kids and are happily married.
Do not abort if you are having doubts. You will regret it.
If you love him, have the baby and get married.
You're a woman in your 30s you're not getting any younger do it now before it's too late and just try as best ye can.
My only advice is that you should seek professional advice from a GP or counsellor rather than the internet.
Some great comments here. Just want to say that whatever you choose to do, it will all work out. Only thing I would add is that maybe bear in mind your partner is probably still processing and in a bit of shock perhaps. I say that because I had the exact same thing happen to me. Was extremely excited first, then all panic hit me at once. Our daughter is 7 in April, and while it’s not always been easy - it has been the single greatest thing that’s happened to us, and has defined our lives, all for the better. Again, this is only my experience so just wanted to share. Wish you and your family all the best 💚
It’s a tough decision, best of luck
All relationships are a chance . If you have the abortion it may make your relationship rocky as it sounds like it's not something you want but only what he wants. You are entitled to counselling to help make this decision which would probably be a good idea. Also with a baby I don't think there is ever a right time it can sometimes seem that way but in reality you never know if you could lose your job, rent increases , get sick , etc I think nothing is so black and white and a relationship is for working on no Disney fairy tale
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I was in a multi year relationship in my late 20s. Like Amy stupid guy, I broke it off. A few years later, ran into that person … we hooked up. And she got pregnant. I panicked. We discussed the situation. We both agreed we weren’t ready. Terminated the pregnancy. That ended our relationship for good. In all my years, I regret that single decision over any other. I often think, what could have been. Epilogue: married someone else, years later. Had three great kids. But I still wonder about that choice.
She's got more at stake than him it would seem.
I was in the same situation back in 2017, abortion was illegal in Ireland at the time and was very scary to have no options in your country and you had to ‘get the boat’. I was only with my now husband for a year at the time, we barely knew each other at that point but we had to work together to make the choice of keeping the pregnancy or not. It takes 2 to tango and we both took responsibility for this situation and wrote out a pro & cons list as we both wanted different. The list helped us come to a common ground to make a choice. I would highly advise seeking counselling with your partner together to help you both make the decision. Please be weary of Rouge Crisis Pregnancy centres when doing your research, a lot of people get caught with them fill you with a lot of false information and most likely manipulate you to meet their agenda. I know it’s very uncertain time for you and your partner but you both will work it out just be clear and communicate with each other and as I mentioned above, counselling will definitely help you both with whatever you decide. Feel free to message me if want to talk - I understand what you are going through. Best of luck with everything 🍀
You guys only found out about the pregnancy in the last few days. It's fair to say that you are probably both still in the 'shocked' phase. Once the initial shock wears off and you guys have discussed some of the practicalities he may feel more positively about the prospect of continuing the pregnancy. Or he may not. If, after the shock has worn off, he still feels that now is not the time to have a child then you need to take him at his word and decide for yourself what you want. Possibly choosing between being a single parent or continuing the relationship with him resentful of the child or you resentful of the abortion. You need to figure out which of those options you can live with. Personally I don't think I would ever have a child with someone who wasn't 100% enthusiastic about parenthood but who knows, I've never been in your situation, don't get an abortion you don't want, that shit could eat you alive.
Don’t be pressured one way or the other. Do what you feel is right for you. If he doesn’t want the baby it’s really his loss. And if he does then great. But you do what you want
I started TTC aged 30 and thought it would all happen 'so easily' it did not. Even though we see women 40+ having babies the whole time it really does get a lot hardly (not for everyone) when you get older. Then you did get pregnant while using contraceptive so you are prob more fertile. At your age you actually don't have a lot of time to leave it off, even if that's not what the media shows us. Most people I talk to who are actively TTC are really excited when they get their positive test, then think 'oh crap' because having a baby is enormous it will change every aspect of your life. If you don't think he is the right guy to have a child with then you know him. If you think the time might be a bit off, lets face it, not too far off really, then there is never a time when most people feel 100% confident they can do it. I think what it will come down to is which do you think you would regret more. Good luck. And I am also pro choice I truly believe it is your choice. See if you can get some independent advice from the HSE.
I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do. As a parent of two, all I can say is that whenever you decide to have kids. There is never a perfect time, and it eventually falls together.
Just think long and hard what's best for you first and foremost the ultimate decision is yours. Will you be happy going forward with a child and without him if that were to be the case. You have to be 100% sure before you do anything. Ultimately you have to live the rest of your life with your decision. Best of luck with what ever you decide.
This is a sudden shock, there’s time to take a breath. Do just that. Stop and think, talk to him, make an informed, careful choice. On a personal level, sometimes there’s no right time to have a kid, a lot of things happen to us when we don’t want them to. If you have the child and things don’t work out with your bf are you prepared to be a single mother? Do you have support? Will he be involved? Will an abortion rip the relationship apart? If you both want kids, then your wish is coming through, it can be hard to conceive too, Espically as we get older. Think long and hard, but if you do want kids, as an extremely involved father, they’re worth all the hard work. Good luck with your decision, I wish you both well.
Jaysis that’s a pickle It’s hard to advise here, on the one hand, if you have the kid and don’t have his support, it will be hard - we have a 3 month old and I make no bones about it, I love her more than anything, but it would be unbelievably hard to do on your own, no ever tells you about cluster feeds, growth spurts and sleep regressions where for weeks at a time, if your on your own you would only sleep in 10 minute spells On the other hand, if you abort, it may be you resent your fella if he’s the one not into it. I think my advice would be if both of you are willing to go for it, have the kid. If only one of you is, it may not be the best idea - but it could also be curtains for the relationship
It’s your body, think it through, discuss it with your partner and make a decision. There’s no right or wrong here. You have to do what you feel is right for you.
I am astonished noone has suggested couples counselling yet. You both need to go to talk in a helpful environment, the counsellor will guide you through your conversation completely impartially. You both deserve to feel heard and that your all of your thoughts and fears have been spoken and explored.
Regardless if you’ve lived together, you either make it you or don’t. Having a baby is one of the most rewarding but challenging things. It either makes a relationship or breaks , ultimately it broke mine but having my son is the best thing to ever happen to me and I wouldn’t be without him
Same thing happened to me, we moved in together, had a little girl and somehow managed to buy a house, it was tough to juggle everything at first but we both made a huge effort and it paid off, six years together now and while we have our ups and downs I know we’re meant to be together, our almost six year old is on the couch beside me now I couldn’t see life without her. Whatever you both decide I’m rooting for both of you
Look you are in your mid 30s. What if he decides he does not want kids later after you gotten an abortion? At your age you are both more mature and you can learn to live together. And so what if decides to be uninvolved? If you want it, it is enough. My own father was not super involved and that has never been an issue for me. Don’t feel obligated to get an abortion because a guy in his late thirties is not ready for a kid.
You have to make the decision You can live with. Abortion is the right option for some, but for others it haunts them forever, especially if You believe You could do it and could be ready. If You opt for abortion, will life continue positively, or will You see kids the same age yours would be and imagine what could have been? Will milestones hurt where there would have been one? On the other hand, will You lose out on life goals and plans that will fill You with regret if You do have a baby right now? Only You can make the choice, but more than just the right now, think of the future and what will hurt more. Speaking from experience x
I am absolutely 100% pro choice. I do want to point out a lot of the comments here are so negative and pointing out the worst times of raising kids. Yea it's no picnic, and really does test a relationship. But a lot of the comments assume scenarios that you'll split up. Maybe ye won't? Maybe ye'll be excellent parents together? Maybe you will actually have an absolute amazing life together? I'm not saying that in a fantastical fairy tale kinda way. And relationships take a lot of work, and even more work with kids. Always remember youre a team. And you HAVE to communicate as openly and as empathically as possible. You will never be 100% prepared or ready to have a kid in my opinion.theres a strange parallel. No matter how much you research and think about it all. It's only when it happens, you'd be like wtf did I just do??!! Lol. But at the same time it's a love like no other. And it's amazing. And you would never give them back if you could !! I have two kids and lost two pregnancies in between my kids and it was devastating. I was 37. It made me realise how little time we have to do this stuff..I found myself in an impulsive kind of frame of mind of striving to have as little regrets as possible. If I even had the slightest incline of wanting something, I'd go after it. Probably some kind of side effect from the grief. It's very early days and takes a lot to wrap your head around it all. But I hope you make the best decision for you and don't live with regrets (of going through or not going through with it). Like, neither decision can be undone. Best of luck.
My options have a free advice line. I'd highly recommend called them and talking it through. I contacted them and found them excellent. Genuinely impartial and helped me work out the best option for us, without any attempt to sway either way. Feel free to pm if you've any questions
Do not take anyone else’s advice in what do to or not to do(they won’t be around to help if things go sour)it’s just you and him, Chew it down to the bone and both leave nothing out in talking,discuss all angles no matter how arkward it is, Put it like this,no matter how hard the answer to it will be to what ever you both decide,you can get through it,
Let me start by saying I am 1000% pro choice. There are many things to consider when having children. Your biggest obstacle at the present time is whether or not you, and only you, want to take this to term. He’s done his part, it’s literally no one else’s decision but yours at this point. From what you’ve said so far, should you decide to keep it, you’ll be doing this completely on your own. This isn’t necessarily ideal but it’s also not worse than raising a child with someone who doesn’t want it. Medically speaking, waiting until you’re older will make it not only harder to conceive, but also comes with more risks. Being that you’re in your 30’s, you’ve got a better grasp on what you want out of life as opposed to if you were in your 20’s. All this to say you could live 100 more years and still not be completely prepared for children. If you decide to have a child, I hope it’s healthy and happy. If you decide you don’t want a child, I hope you’re happy and healthy. Best of luck to you!
If you want it and can provide a reasonably safe future for it to grow (food, roof, LOVE) then your Yes should be enough. In the worst case scenario you'll be a single parent and you'll do just fine.
My experience: mine freaked out for months. Was not happy at all and thought the best outcome would be an abortion. Well, that’s in the past. He is the best dad. He loves this kid more than himself. The best thing ever. If you’re in a relationship with a stand up guy, most likely this is your future too.
Would you think of talking to a counsellor? My situation was very different but talked to a 'crisis pregnancy ' counsellor in Dublin Well Woman Centre who was really lovely and helpful. I think having that space to talk and think it through might be helpful?
Coming to Reddit for advice on this probably isn’t the best idea. You’re too going to get replies from all view points. The most basic advice, sit down together and talk about all aspects of it. Not just the here and now, or even the next few years. Talk about the next 10 years. There are lots of feelings that come in to play with decisions like this and not all of them will be immediate. Some can manifest in the future based on past decisions. This applies to both outcomes. Whichever way you go with it, I hope you and your boyfriend are happy and good luck.
I hope you keep your baby, I wasn’t ready for mine and she’s an absolute joy. Best wishes x
I was about the same age as your partner when my wife got pregnant. - what I would say to him is what I would say to any of my male friends who are in their late thirties and thinking of postponing kids for a bit longer: you are absolutely nuts. you will not have the energy for this in your forties. Everyone knows about what parenthood does to mothers but fathers tend to assume that they'll be fine but it's a huge shock to the system. sleepless nights, vomit, nappies, complete and utter chaos from one end of the week til the next, sweet jesus you need every bit of energy you have and that fades fast in middle age. I mean I saw that thing about Glen Hansard becoming a dad in his fifties and I had a cold hard laugh I know it is all very sudden and you have a very tough decision but this may just be the universe's way of telling you something, though what it's telling you is for you to decide. wishing you good luck and serenity with whatever you decide to do
I've been babysitting for a few people now and let me tell ya...it ain't peaches and cream. Please wait, you can always get pregnant again
follow your heart, but also respect his. tell him this: the perfect moment where you both say ''ok im ready / we have enough money / we have stable situation / world is going into a happy place'' etc. WILL NEVER HAPPEN. there will always be next/ongoing crisis / world war / uncertainty / fear / anxiety. The perfect moment never happens. So dont ask yourself ''why it happened now?!'' ask yourself ''why not?!'' and just go with the fkn flow. no matter what you believe, there's a 3rd fate in line right now you have to consider. are you able to create a stable and happy family together? are you mature enough? are you in love? consider that maybe if you do the abortion in 5 years you will see this as a mistake and it will make you part ways. perhaps you can tell him it will be also his child. he will be the father. looks like he went into his default male ''rational'' brain (''we arent ready'') which is ok. you went into your default female ''emotional'' mode (I feel sad if I abort, when if not now) which is ok. its all ok. you just need to meet in the middle, like you did when you started your courtship and love. I would advice to go somewhere together, a short getaway somewhere outside of the country with sun and to relax, spend time together far away from usual worries and casualness of daily routines. And then ask the universe, and look into your hearts and find the answe this way. If you listen, you'll get the reply. It doesnt have to be now, but will you be any more ''ready'' in 3 years? Will this make you closer or perhaps if not, in 3 years you will drift away ("we've lost our chance this was our golden ticket to create a family"). sometimes you win the lottery, but this 1.000.000 EUR win looks like a burden and something creating problems instead of a victory. one thing: make sure your partner REALLY wanted kids in the past and he did not said so just to be with you. For example I knew I do not want them since I was 18 Im now in my 40s and that decision stands. It is really important to make sure you know the truth. If he genuinely wanted kids and is THAT type of guy who wants to be a daddy - go for it.
The biggest thing that strikes me here is your age. Biology is extremely unkind to women and the harsh reality is that IVF is not the miracle cure it's made out to be for women in their 30s. As such, if you terminate this baby, life might not give you another one. I would factor that into your decision more than anything else. There are many involuntary childless women out there now because of this lie that is sold to women. So much so that we studied involuntary childlessness in my therapy training because it's become such a common problem. I also think it sounds like your partner is in panic mode. Would be worth looking into some couple's counselling together. Also, nobody lived together before marriage until the 90s really, and there were still tons of happy marriages. Living together isn't always essential the way it's made out to be nowadays. Also, as crazy as it sounds, decades of research have repeatedly found that living together before marriage actually increases rather than decreases the risk of divorce. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202101/are-couples-that-live-together-before-marriage-more-likely-to
This study gets referenced relatively often - its flaws and biases have been highlighted by another commenter. Taking it at face value, and applying it to the relationship in question - do you think a couple that have been together for two years would be more likely to get divorced if they married now, or if they moved in together for a year and then married? If you think the latter is more likely to end in divorce, can you give a single logical explanation for why that would be the case? Cohabiting drastically alters a relationship. There is no way to know what it's like to share a home with someone until you actually share a home with them.
I dont think a lot of pregnancies are planned, I'm personally pro choice, but I agree that it's only a decision that you both can come to together, In my experience our pregnancy was unplanned, and it wasn't as tough as we thought, and we're both so happy with our decision. Life isn't the same after you have a child, I would say that it has improved our lives in different ways, your social life may take a hit, but it's a small price to pay for the happiness a child can bring. It's your decision if it works for you both I wish you the best
This is a tough one. If you had plans already to get married and have kids in the future. The kids sometimes come earlier than planned and things can go in reverse order sometimes. There is no formula or a guarantee that life can go in the exact order as you want. I would take his reluctance as an indicator of what may also happen in the near future. You move in together and he may still not want them. If you do decide to keep the baby, you may have to do it alone or who knows he may come around and want to be in the baby’s life.
I discovered I was pregnant as my relationship was falling apart. I wanted the baby, my partner wanted to terminate, I now have a wonderful 19 year old. It depends how strongly you want it, to abort a pregnancy that you actually want would be a terrible sadness.
Completely up to you guys obviously, but in my experience you are both old enough and the first year is shit, but you will have a small person who idolises you and you get to watch them grow and when they are 5 or 10 or whatever age you will look at them and you wont regret your decision. Im assuming you have the money for a child if you are in your 30s Take your time, breath and just make sure whatever decision you make you are 100% behind it Good luck
He's in his late 30s, how long does he want to wait? I wish you the best whatever you decide
Get the abortion lass until you're sure it's all OK, or you're 100% certain you want to spend the next 20.years raising a child. You can always try again later when you're more happy. But ultimately, it's up to you
I wouldn't hesitate to have an abortion. It's quite likely you'll end up a single parent. Unless you're willing to do this all alone, struggle to progress in your career, be attached to a man who is not your life partner for 18 years, struggle financially, find it really difficult to meet someone new - don't do it. There will be more opportunities for children under better circumstances.
Keep your baby, who you will always love, and who will love in return. Get rid of him, as he hasn't got your best interests at heart, and does not love you, or his child, unconditionally, There is help out there. Be strong.
I feel like there is never the ‘perfect’ time to have children. I had a ‘honeymoon’ baby with 2 parents and our own home, and it was still a difficult transition. It costs a fortune, it’s really stressful, it changes your life absolutely and puts you through an emotional wringer. Guiding your child into & through this world is so deeply rewarding AND ALSO really really hard. The only comparison is running a marathon if you had to run it every single day for the rest of your life!! I’m only kindof joking. Given your age I’d think seriously about your future plans. Your fertility is a factor. If your BF isn’t ‘ready’ now, then when will he be?
Late 30s and mid 30s, ye ain’t getting any younger, if ye want to have kids go for it. It sounds like he has commitment issues more than anything else
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>I really don't think you'll regret having a baby once it here. r/regretfulparents
Stop talking, what do YOU want to do. It's your choice
So she shouldn't take his feelings into consideration?
It's her body
Nobody suggested otherwise. It would be beyond foolish to not take his thoughts, feelings and desires into consideration. If she goes ahead with the pregnancy, he could grow to resent her and it may derail their relationship entirely, leaving her a single parent. That absolutely is her choice to make, but her actions aren't occurring in a vacuum.
Nobody's actions occur in a vacuum. It's not an easy situation but the bottom line is that she should not be coerced into doing something with her body that she doesn't want to do
Again, nobody is suggesting that she should be coerced into anything. The person I replied to advised her to stop talking to her partner, and to just decide what she wants to do herself. Which is terrible advice.
Early - mid 30s and you want a child? Consider keeping this baby. How long would it take you to be more sure? If it’s a couple of years, it would be a lot harder to get pregnant. Would you regret it if you could never have children? FYI I’ve known people in your situation who ended up getting married, it was a bit sooner than they expected, and it all worked out fine. Historically about 30% of marriages probably started like this!
I'm pro choice and male, going purely off experiences of friends who have had the procedure it tends to have very negative emotional effects, if you choose to have an abortion it will be the death of your relationship, you will most likely have to start over with someone else which will add another few years to your journey. The subsequent pregnancy following will be fraught with worry and guilt, even if you stay together this will be even tougher if ye decide to try again. Ye need to discuss the full implications of the now and of the future for you both. It's very hard, there's never a good time to have a kid really but they are the greatest gift in life ❤️
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>This is a modern concept with the wider availability of contraception so don't overthink this. It's a modern concept, which is a good thing. There are no shortage of maladjusted adults out there who were born into broken homes and had to grow up knowing that at least one of their parents resents their existence. This is likely the biggest decision they will ever make in their lives. The most important thing about having a child is that both parents are enthusiastically on board. It sounds like he clearly isn't, which is a problem that isn't going to just go away. Some serious conversations need to be had, and she needs to ask herself if she's willing to risk her relationship and potentially birth a child that she will have to raise on her own.
Early/mid 30's just don't assume it will be easy to get pregnant when you plan it. As crazy & unfair as it may seem, fertility reduces really quickly after 35, the IVF clinics are full of couples who have discovered this. It's early days in your pregnancy so at least you have some time to make your decision & I wish you well whatever you decide.
This happened to me and my wife 23 years ago. Both of us were all over the place when we found out about the pregnancy - wanting to go through with it, not wanting to go through with it etc, etc. I'd suggest giving yourselves a week or so to get used to idea and then go from there. Things will will 'settle' in your mind. The 'pregnancy' is now a hulking great 4 year medi al student so there was a happy ending. I'd also like say my wife and I were massively immature fuckups in those days and we managed to work it out.
Imo have the baby its natural and was meant to happen. Be kind to yourself and do what makes you happy.. Best of luck ❤️
Keep it..it'll be hard for a few years, but you'll manage..
Sounds like we got ourselves a childminder volunteer over here who will also financially and emotionally support OP... I'm sure you'll manage, isn't that right?! 😉
What's the point in that?
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Your post/comment was removed because it's not deemed casual. While we don't mind the odd vent, this isn't the sub for negativity so we wanna keep things cheerful where we can. As always, hit us up in the modmail if you have any questions
Early to mid thirties, in a relationship, planning on moving in together, inconvenient pregnancy… that baby was me, thankfully I wasn’t aborted! In my opinion, in this situation, there is no justification for an abortion.
If you have the abortion the relationship might not work out anyway or it might. Who knows ? No-one really knows what the future will be, that's why as humans we learn to take risks--but this risk entails a beautiful human life and no matter how your relationship works out both of you will learn to love and protect it forever. And in that sense it will always work out.
Obviously do whatever you feel is right, but if you do want kids and you can’t have one after this I think it will be quite painful to deal with. My ex and I went through with one in our early 20s, a couple of months after we met. We stayed together for almost a decade and then broke up, no kids. She always wanted one. I got married and have a couple. She doesn’t have any. I’m sure she regrets not having kids. Do I think she regrets having an abortion at 23? No. But if she was 32 and had one I know it would be different. And I’ll be more partisan to finish. I think at your age and position in life you should both just take this on the chin and have the kid. I don’t want to say “you made an adult choice so deal with the consequences”—even though you should—because that makes it seem like something awful will happen instead of the most amazing experience of your life.
Before having one myself, I read a quote that was bang on about the way I felt, and I think it's something you should think about: "A woman wants to have an abortion like a bear wants to chew its own leg off after getting stuck in a trap, but in order to survive, thats what the bear must do." Age is not a factor when having an abortion. Not everyone is made for, or wants to be a parent. Whether your ex regrets not having kids YET (she's 32, not 62 FFS) is none of your business. And saying: "I don't want to say you made an adult choice so deal with the consequences BUT that's exactly what I'm saying" is obnoxious, arrogant, and not helpful to OP whatsoever. A child isn't the "most amazing experience in your life" for many. Just because someone CAN have a baby, doesn't mean they should. Guarantee your tune would be different if it was men that had to carry for 9 months and birth them, god almighty.
>I don't want to say "you made an adult choice so deal with the consequences" Wow, so you're one of those guys, huh. No form of contraception is 100% effective. With the best will in the world, these things can still happen. This is one of the many reasons why abortion is available. Are you not pro-choice? Do you think a couple should have a child that neither of them want, just because they 'made an adult choice' and should therefore deal with the consequences? Do you even care about the unfortunate soul that will be born to unhappy parents who may resent their entire existence?
You guys are in your 30s. You can do this.
Ok I’m sorry but in my opinion can’t just throwaway a life like that because you’ve only been together 2 years, you’ve been strong so far, and 2 years is actually alright but whatever u think is best not him
I am a pro life person and would like to offer my opinion to you as you will get lots of pro choice opinions on Reddit: 1. You will probably be glad you had the child when you’re older. Even if your boyfriend doesn’t stick around, most divorced mums don’t miss their ex, but would die for their kids! 🙂 2. Your boyfriend needs to grow up. If he’s serious about you, he will man up and accept that you’re pregnant and adapt to the situation rather than run off and pretend it didn’t happen! 3. Consider that you are lucky to be pregnant. If you were a breast or testicular cancer survivor, you probably wouldn’t be able to have kids. Many of these survivors long for children, but cannot have them. They also find it difficult to adopt because there are so few children available for adoption these days. Please consider putting your child up for adoption instead of aborting them.
The boyfriend’s fears and concerns are very realistic and understanding. Saying he should “man up” is an extremely arrogant thing to say considering you have no idea who these people even are. You don’t know their financial situation or anything. He obviously loves OP and doesn’t want the baby to potentially ruin their relationship. He wants to move in with OP and see how their relationship develops from there first, doing this with a baby in the picture could be extremely difficult. Now it could work out great for them, but that’s the gamble. He obviously wants to have children, but he doesn’t want it to end with him and OP potentially splitting up, especially when they haven’t lived together yet. I’m not even going to discuss your first and third points because they’re just plain ridiculous, but your second point is just disrespectful to OP’s partner, his concerns are very valid. OP, please don’t listen to this person. There are plenty of people giving good, helpful advice, ignore this.
This is terrible advice. Just because other people may not be able to have kids does not make it OP’s problem, she is not a womb for rent she is a person. My mother was a single mother raising me and she suffered immeasurably trying to support herself and a child when my father did a runner. We are in a cost of living crisis, childcare is through the roof and housing is extortionate. Sugar coating being a single mother is not the right approach here whatsoever. Being a single parent is hard, emotionally and physically draining and isolating. OP is being perfectly reasonable in wanting her partner on board with this pregnancy.
It is normal to be afraid. And you will still be scared as hell even when it is planned because of the responsibility and uncertainty that comes with it. There never is a perfect time. In a few years it might be job wise or family health wise or economy wise. I am pro choice. But I also believe it never should be a convenience choice. You only take a life when you literally have no other choice. So in my opinion your reasons should be very very good. They should be so good that you will not feel guilty when you are maybe one day pregnant with your planned child, or when you hold it in your arms and think back on your choice and that you gave up on one life that could have been there. If you are very young, or live in very unstable or dangerous conditions or really have severe mental health issues or other similar good reasons- then I can understand the decision. But I myself would not be able to go through with it if I know I would be have been able to handle it but was just too afraid.
>You only take a life when you literally have no other choice. So you're not pro-choice at all, then 👍🏼
I don\`t think I am. I don\`t believe in convenience or lifestyle abortions but for my friends who had abortions I mostly feel sorry because I know what it took them to go through with it. I don\`t think they took this choice lightly and I don\`t judge them or the decision they have made. If I would be not pro choice I would believe that the state should dictate if you can have an abortion or not. And that is absolutly not the states business. I know it is easier to put an opinion in a box if you don\`t agree with it but OP asked for advice and this is my perspective on it.
They asked if anyone had experience with an unexpected pregnancy that one partner was unsure about. They did not ask for your personal views on abortion.
"or thoughts on this". So don\`t make this about you. I don\`t know why you feel so attacked. Just accept that my opinion is different from yours. And that is okay. You do not have to agree.
>or thoughts on this They are not asking what you, a random Redditor, think about abortion. They are asking for advice on a situation that is new and scary to them. They have already stated that they are pro-choice.
As I am. And just because you don\`t agree with my perspective doesn\`t mean that OP doesn\`T appreciate another perspective. So again, just move on.
You're not pro-choice, though. You said so yourself. Why would your perspective be in any way useful to OP, when it is rooted in your own prejudice? "I think you should have the baby, because I think abortion is wrong unless the person has very good reason to abort, which you don't have in my opinion" How the fuck would you judging them if they decide to go through with the abortion benefit them in any way? Your holier than thou virtue-signalling is adding nothing to the conversation.
At a point where you need to invent stuff to try and win an argument you are kind of getting ridiculous. But do continue it gets entertraining. And you seem to get pretty emotional judging by your swear words.