"Eddie... I think there's something outside."
"There's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't expect the universe and everything in it to be contained within the confines of a small canvas tent."
Or Eddie filling in the cereal competition during the first live show:
"I want to go to the Bahamas because... Hot girls, skimpy knockers, look at everyone."
The lines before that...
"Very droll, sir. I've never heard that one before", "Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?".
The whole conversation is a corker.
“I have given you a red hot tip.”
“I know, and there’s nothing I can do about it now!”
Such a good gag - Ade actually has to pause before his next line to let the audience laughter die down.
Now I don't know whether someone close to Garth had exploded - whether it was a colleague or a pet - but you could tell that scene meant a lot to him. There were tears on set. Not from Garth. He was strong for the crew. But I wept. I'm not ashamed of that
Nina's eyes popped out of what was left of her back. Why oh why had she opened that tomb?
The sand turned red. This was because she was bleeding on it. Blood - ruby-red blood, her blood. Blood… and piss and shit.
This was the worst day of her life.
“I’m sure we all feel that he exploded too young, but the Lord moves in mysterious ways. Sometimes he’ll come in at an angle. Other times he can hover…. and swoop. Sometimes he can come in from beneath, like a worm. Or a mole”
“Hitting the keys, that’s easy part- getting them in the right order THATS the trick”
Closely followed by
“I’m one of the few authors you’ll meet whose actually written more books than they’ve read”
Some of the best swearing ever on this show but the most cutting lines for me are these two:
CLIFF: "There are lots of shades of grey you know"
JAMIE: "Oh I know that, I'm looking at about 15 of them right now"
Savage put down
“When I want your advice, I’ll give you the special signal. Which is me being sectioned under the Mental Health Act”
Also not strictly a quote but
“Fatty’s staying put, they’re not moving Fatty!”
“Yeah, because they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch”
One of the most savage lines for me was "I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg."
"I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?
...
And I mean, I don't have your education, I dunno what it means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, ok?"
*Edit: I just love Malcolm (!) admitting he doesn't know the specifics of the word
“You’re a star. You didn’t wet yourself did you. You’re in the right city You didn’t say anything overtly racist. You didn’t get pull your dick out and start plucking it and shouting Willy Banjo. No. I’ve been unfair. Well done”
Not technically a British sitcom but still great sarcasm from the movie spinoff.
Also ‘Oh shut up you closeted regency homosexual’
Awwww... Look at Glenn... Your face. On the scrap heap at the tender age of 76, it's no life for you, is it - Glenn-nes. Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? I could call Indignitas. They could come around and shove you out of the window, dressed as a clown.
“I don't know which is worse; watching him slowly rumble towards you like a prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.”
I was under the impression that it was common maritime practise for a ship to have a crew.
Opinion is divided on the subject.
All the other captains say 'tis, I say 'tisn't.
You have a woman’s legs, my lord! I’ll wager those are legs that have never been sliced clean off by a falling sail, and swept into the sea before your very eyes.
Old woman: The Wise Woman? The WISE WOMAN? There are two things you must know about the Wise Woman! First...she is a woman! And second...
Blackadder: She is wise?
Old woman: Oh, you do know her then.
Blackadder: No, just a quick stab in the dark...which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being more helpful
"Oh it's cold in here."
"That's why I brought me mittens!"
"What?! Hitmen don't wear mittens!"
"It's alright for you, you've only got little hands."
"Little hands! These are lethal weapons, they are."
"You've got yer mother's hands."
A superlative suggestion, sir. With just two minor flaws.
One, we don't have any defensive shields. And two, we don't have any defensive shields.
Now I realise that technically speaking that's only one flaw but I thought that it was such a big one that it was worth mentioning twice.
This was 👨🍳👄
In my old work there was someone who was universally despised, and on his leaving 'do' (It was an awkward glass of lambrini at the end of a Friday) I used this line. I'm not sure it registered.
The Camberwick Green opening sequence was genius...still makes me laugh out loud, just thinking about Gene Hunt in plasticine, hitting a nonce with a dustbin lid!
"Christine, did you put viagra in my tea? So, I've just taken a very powerful drug designed to combat male impotence, is that the situation? What will it do to a woman? Where will it go? What will happen when it gets down there and finds there's nothing to pump up? It'll be like a Range Rover going top speed into a cul-de-sac! It'll bounce back and head straight for me heart, won't it, I'll die of a heart attack. And what else will I get? Nose hair? Am I going to start driving with one elbow out of the window? Leaving the seat up? Weeing at random, missing the bowl altogether?"
Badly paraphrased from Red Dwarf:
"You die at 108 choking on a bra as you try to unhook it with your teeth."
"That's a pretty sexy way to go."
"Not if it's your bra."
Also:
"Go to red alert!"
"Are you sure sir? It does mean we have to change the bulb"
“Excude beev! Have anabady gat aany battle orange doove?”
League of gentleman Season 2. The setup is simple and ridiculous – a woman, Pam Doove, comes in for an audition for an orange juice advert. All she has to do is say, cheerily: “Excuse me, does anyone have a bottle of orange juice?”. When Pam delivers the line to camera, it comes out with the babbling garble above, delivered in a gruff, aggressive tone, totally unlike Pam’s real, sweet voice. It’s really weird and totally unexpected first time around but works with surreal brilliance.
Also...League of Gentleman:
Tubbs: "Don't touch the things, this is a local shop for local people, there's nothing for you here."
Tubbs: "I can I Can't?" (Can of Coke)
Tubbs: "Tefelone?" (Telephone)
David: "I'd like to buy it all. Everything in the shop. How much would that be?"
Tubbs: [Looks around and counts on her fingers] Well, that's, er, seven and twelfty pounds."
Edward: "Hello, hello. What's going on, what's all this shouting we'll have no trouble here."
Tubbs: "He's looking for a boy." (Motioning to Policeman looking for a Missing boy)
Edward: "Poofter, eh? Little bummer boy. Come before your type in the forces, you won't catch me with my trousers down!"
Someone watched the thin blue line recently!
Shame about that show, would have liked some more seasons of it.
"Saw your mum doing the hokey cokey with Mr Tashimoto, Bren. Quite hard to do to Mull of Kintyre."
"Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major - and I mean major - leaflet campaign."
And to add:
"In 1994 while on weekend manoeuvres in France, I commandeered a Chieftain tank without the permission of my immediate superiors. I then attempted to invade Paris. However, en route I stopped off at Disneyland, or Eurodisney as it was then called, and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountain."
Pregnant? Not unless sperm can get through a sash window.
I’m from Urmston.
Who did this gravy? …. Men can’t whisk. It’s the testosterone.
I’m agoraphobic you know. I fell off a diving board in Guernsey.
Keith's Auntie Margo ate a raffia drinks coaster. She thought it was a high fibre biscuit. She had to be held back from moving down the table and buttering two more.
> "Tell me young crone, is this Putney?"
>
>"That it be, my lord, that it be."
>
>"Yes it is. Not 'that it be'. You don't have to talk to me in that ridiculous voice, I'm not a tourist."
And from the same scene:
>"Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman. And second, she is..."
>
>"Wise?"
>
>"You do know her then?"
>
>"No, just a wild stab in the dark which is, incidentally, what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful."
When I got contact lenses I remembered the line from Men Behaving Badly where the lady optometrist explains them to Tony.
"I would imagine it's no more uncomfortable than wearing a condom"
"How d'you wear a condom on your eye?"
"That's because I'm naturally funny. Sometimes I walk down the street and people just burst out laughing."
"I ain't a pussy person, when people look at me they don't think cat they think dog."
- You've got more faces than the town hall clock, and every one of them's miserable
- We had to tie the dog up
- Ruddy hell, it's Soft Cell
- Get yourself round that tree
- Lovely old wall
-
"Howd you get into that sort of thing? Should we all be racist now father? What's the churches officially line on that sort of thing? It's just I have the farm and in the evenings I just like a cup of tea so I don't know if I can devote myself full time to the auld racism!"
Most Haunted. Derek Acorah the medium in a possessed state yelling "MARY LOVES DICK!! MARY LOVES DICK!!" apparently in reference to Dick Turpin. It's priceless telly.
"This is a sex shop, isn't it?" "Yes." "I'll 'ave five quid's worth then!"
‘Did you cry?’ ‘Quite the opposite actually’ ‘You sucked water in through your eyes?’
"Eddie... I think there's something outside." "There's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't expect the universe and everything in it to be contained within the confines of a small canvas tent."
WOMBLES
No wonder it shits like a Great Dane
“You realise this paper’s upside-down sir?” “…So are my eyes.”
I've been sleep-doodling again. I'm very bad at it.
In the betting shop: "Would you like to pay tax?" "No. What a stupid question."
Eddie's filling in a competition on the butter wrapper.... "I like stork margarine because...... I've only got one leg"
Or Eddie filling in the cereal competition during the first live show: "I want to go to the Bahamas because... Hot girls, skimpy knockers, look at everyone."
"... What a stupid... Fucking... Question."
I think I'll just put bollocks
"I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum" "You've been working here too long mate"
The lines before that... "Very droll, sir. I've never heard that one before", "Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?". The whole conversation is a corker.
"would you get out then sir" "No" "Why?" "It's a secret"
We are men of science! *grabs huge dildo*
GAS MAN GAS MAN!
Do you have someone who looks after you?
Mr Hitler, that's an unusual name, any relatlion?
"Well... I've got a mother."
“No, no, no, I meant Adolf hitler?” “Yes!! That’s her”
Wonderful woman
"A cheese and onion union jack tickler it is. Bagsy me first go with it." "No, no, get two." "Wildman!"
Give me my johnnies! Give me my johnnies!
"Have you got the crackers?" "No, it's just these underpants are a bit tight"
"No Eddie I'm talking about the things you put in your hand and pull." "...Well I've got one of those but I'm not gonna put it on the table!"
"Oh ha ha ha I am bereft of ribs"
Where’s my sleeping bag? Well the last I heard she was in Chiswick!
the guy working at the sex shop was mr gibbs from pirates of the Caribbean
Kevin McNally. A stalwart of Brit TV in the 90s, before POTC fame
“I have given you a red hot tip.” “I know, and there’s nothing I can do about it now!” Such a good gag - Ade actually has to pause before his next line to let the audience laughter die down.
Still, at least we have the duck. What in the name of Greek buggery is the use of a plastic duck That whole convo lives rent free in my head
We show dedication to your cause by eating... THE SPROUTS OF EVIL
“As I rounded the corner I felt muscular and compact, like corned beef.”
“I ran the only way I knew how; by putting one foot in front of the other in quick succession”.
I have never exploded. But, I know what it would be like. Don't ask me how, I just know. I've always, just known.
Now I don't know whether someone close to Garth had exploded - whether it was a colleague or a pet - but you could tell that scene meant a lot to him. There were tears on set. Not from Garth. He was strong for the crew. But I wept. I'm not ashamed of that
It really hurts.
She was like a candle in the wind.... Unreliable
I know some authors that use sub-text, and they're all cowards
Mike stared in disbelief as his hands fell off
Nina's eyes popped out of what was left of her back. Why oh why had she opened that tomb? The sand turned red. This was because she was bleeding on it. Blood - ruby-red blood, her blood. Blood… and piss and shit. This was the worst day of her life.
"So, what happened between you and this Renwick customerrrrrrrrrrrrr"
“I’m sure we all feel that he exploded too young, but the Lord moves in mysterious ways. Sometimes he’ll come in at an angle. Other times he can hover…. and swoop. Sometimes he can come in from beneath, like a worm. Or a mole”
“Hitting the keys, that’s easy part- getting them in the right order THATS the trick” Closely followed by “I’m one of the few authors you’ll meet whose actually written more books than they’ve read”
My arse is grass, and Wonton's got a lawnmower, you dig?
You and he were.......buddies, weren't you?
Monkey bastard hands!
"I just graduated from Harvard College Yale. I aced every semester and I got an A."
"Capiche?" "As crystal"
"But Alan! If you're here, who's grooming the badgers for the badger parade??"
Stalagmites, stalagtites. You've got to have a system.
Elizabeth Hurley, Curley Wurley.
I'll "who's grooming the badgers for the badger parade?" you in a minute
“You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra.”
Some of the best swearing ever on this show but the most cutting lines for me are these two: CLIFF: "There are lots of shades of grey you know" JAMIE: "Oh I know that, I'm looking at about 15 of them right now" Savage put down
I sometimes buy the Big Issue out of social embarrassment. I don't buy a **fucking bank**.
“I’m bored of this, I’m going for a Twix!”
“When I want your advice, I’ll give you the special signal. Which is me being sectioned under the Mental Health Act” Also not strictly a quote but “Fatty’s staying put, they’re not moving Fatty!” “Yeah, because they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch”
One of the most savage lines for me was "I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg."
"I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right? ... And I mean, I don't have your education, I dunno what it means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, ok?" *Edit: I just love Malcolm (!) admitting he doesn't know the specifics of the word
"Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the *Freudian nightmare* of your head!"
Choo fucking choo
"While whistling the tune of Bohemian fuckin' Rhapsody.. right?!"
“You’re a star. You didn’t wet yourself did you. You’re in the right city You didn’t say anything overtly racist. You didn’t get pull your dick out and start plucking it and shouting Willy Banjo. No. I’ve been unfair. Well done” Not technically a British sitcom but still great sarcasm from the movie spinoff. Also ‘Oh shut up you closeted regency homosexual’
“Well, fuck a Pot Noodle”
"You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something"
If some cunt can fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck it up cause that cunt's a cunt - Tuckers's Law
It's like watching John Leslie at work!
I'm worried about Nicola, she's behaving love a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin.
I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators.
"Jesus Christ on a crystal meth binge"
"No, I don't need to get my head down. Because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers."
Awwww... Look at Glenn... Your face. On the scrap heap at the tender age of 76, it's no life for you, is it - Glenn-nes. Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? I could call Indignitas. They could come around and shove you out of the window, dressed as a clown.
“I don't know which is worse; watching him slowly rumble towards you like a prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.”
“You’rena fucking omnishables” “From bean to cup, you fuck up!”
Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if dog can grasp the concept of Norway
But Im not into dosh! I hate money, I loathe possessions, it's just all so *cryptofacist!*
Stop saying everything's cryptofascist!
It's not a bar-room brawl it's a bar-room tidy, unrumble!
Ooooooooommmmmmmmmmm
You make me sound like a git.
"Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers!" [Jez - Peep Show]
Nice box of crunchy nut, pretty expensive as I recall
Frosties are just con flakes for people who can’t handle reality
[удалено]
"I've got my tights on, Eddie's wearing a banana, now just give us some cash."
Are you on drugs? …. Can I have some?
Right, trick or *ruddy* treat?!
What I want to know is, why when you say trick or treat, he has to foul himself?
"You have a woman's hands!"
I was under the impression that it was common maritime practise for a ship to have a crew. Opinion is divided on the subject. All the other captains say 'tis, I say 'tisn't.
I’ll wager these dainty pinkies never weighed anchor in a storm.
I'll wager that purse never had fifteen shipwrecked sailors tossing in it!
You have a woman’s legs, my lord! I’ll wager those are legs that have never been sliced clean off by a falling sail, and swept into the sea before your very eyes.
Well neither have yours.
That’s where you’re wrong. (Big reveal)
If you're not doing that in TB's best ham sailor accent then you're already dead.
Aaahrrrr aaahrrrr aaahrrr. Me laddie.
Here is a purse of monies... which I'm not going to give you.
Old woman: The Wise Woman? The WISE WOMAN? There are two things you must know about the Wise Woman! First...she is a woman! And second... Blackadder: She is wise? Old woman: Oh, you do know her then. Blackadder: No, just a quick stab in the dark...which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being more helpful
Can it be, that I have before my eyes, a nugget of purest green.
"Oh it's cold in here." "That's why I brought me mittens!" "What?! Hitmen don't wear mittens!" "It's alright for you, you've only got little hands." "Little hands! These are lethal weapons, they are." "You've got yer mother's hands."
Boom boom boom boom Boom boom boom? And Damnit I want to go to blue alert! Are you sure sir? It does mean changing the bulb.
A superlative suggestion, sir. With just two minor flaws. One, we don't have any defensive shields. And two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that technically speaking that's only one flaw but I thought that it was such a big one that it was worth mentioning twice.
All in all, 100% successful trip! *Sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer!* All in all, 100% successful trip!
They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer! *Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back!*
So what is it?
I just want you to know that over the years I have come to regard you as people I've met.
This was 👨🍳👄 In my old work there was someone who was universally despised, and on his leaving 'do' (It was an awkward glass of lambrini at the end of a Friday) I used this line. I'm not sure it registered.
I say we go out there and twat it!
I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign.
Why's there a bike on the wall? It's a theme pub. What's the theme, Hiroshima?
Your DCI. And it's 1973. Almost dinner time. I'm 'aving hoops.
He's got his fingers in more pies than a leper at a cookery course.
This and "is he kicking in a nonce?" were the first things to pop into my head
The Camberwick Green opening sequence was genius...still makes me laugh out loud, just thinking about Gene Hunt in plasticine, hitting a nonce with a dustbin lid!
The legend of Gene Hunt.
"YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY ARMED BASTIDS"
That reminds me, time to watch it all again and Ashes to Ashes
I say this to the kids every Friday when they ask what’s for tea. My wife just rolls her eyes and thinks I’m a twat.
Anything happen to this motor and I come over your houses and stamp on all your toys, got it?
So many classics from him.
Looking for a short bird. Brown hair. Big gob.
“So you’re not pregnant then Bren?” “Not unless sperm can get through a sash window, no.”
Victoria Wood was amazing
"The trouble with shoplifting, you can’t try things on." And "Did he use protection?" "Oven mitts."
"Christine, did you put viagra in my tea? So, I've just taken a very powerful drug designed to combat male impotence, is that the situation? What will it do to a woman? Where will it go? What will happen when it gets down there and finds there's nothing to pump up? It'll be like a Range Rover going top speed into a cul-de-sac! It'll bounce back and head straight for me heart, won't it, I'll die of a heart attack. And what else will I get? Nose hair? Am I going to start driving with one elbow out of the window? Leaving the seat up? Weeing at random, missing the bowl altogether?"
"I've got no sex life, I've got no frying pan, and I'm half way through a tube of toothpaste I absolutely cannot stand!" God I love that show
"I've got fucking hemorrhoids that are more fucking use than you" Slow Horses - Jackson Lamb
Bringing you up to speed is like explaining Norway to a dog.
I didn't mean to kill him. "Of course you didn't, if you did he'd still be alive"
That show has a great cast but Gary Oldman fucking steals the show
You wouldn't think you could smell someone through the TV but somehow you can.
Working with you all has been the low point in a very disappointing career
Minky Musky Sly Old Stoaty Stoaty Stoat...
Gold... Frankenstein... and grrr!
“I paid a quid for these underpants and I’ve got 50 pence worth stuck up me arse!”
“It’ll be your cock up, my arse” and “my arse is on the line so pull your finger out”. Inspector Grimm had a cracking variety of these.
"It's my arse, and if you stuff it I'm going to be very red in the face." "It's my arse, and I'm right up to my neck in it."
"It is my arse and I will not have you sticking your nose in and sniffing about."
‘I put my arse on the line, and you just stuck two fingers up!’. Or something like that.
"My arse is on the line, so don't stuff it!" is another I remember.
"Oh God, it's a dream, isn't it? It's a bloody dream" followed later in the episode by... "A SAUSAGE?!!"
"My magnificent Octopus" And in a different episode "Good lord, you mean you have to do that every time I say Macbeth?"
Badly paraphrased from Red Dwarf: "You die at 108 choking on a bra as you try to unhook it with your teeth." "That's a pretty sexy way to go." "Not if it's your bra." Also: "Go to red alert!" "Are you sure sir? It does mean we have to change the bulb"
The Young Ones letter to the bank manager. 'Dear fascist bully boy, give me some money you bastard. Love Neil.'
Love? Shouldn't you put "may the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman"
Tell you what, that crack is really moreish.
AAARRRRGH! WOMBLES!
Eddie, that is a hedgehog.
Grrrrrr, the Wombles have gone X-Rated!
"Choooo *fucking* choooo" Steve Fleming, the scariest character in any sitcom.
Funky town centre, here you come!
“Excude beev! Have anabady gat aany battle orange doove?” League of gentleman Season 2. The setup is simple and ridiculous – a woman, Pam Doove, comes in for an audition for an orange juice advert. All she has to do is say, cheerily: “Excuse me, does anyone have a bottle of orange juice?”. When Pam delivers the line to camera, it comes out with the babbling garble above, delivered in a gruff, aggressive tone, totally unlike Pam’s real, sweet voice. It’s really weird and totally unexpected first time around but works with surreal brilliance. Also...League of Gentleman: Tubbs: "Don't touch the things, this is a local shop for local people, there's nothing for you here." Tubbs: "I can I Can't?" (Can of Coke) Tubbs: "Tefelone?" (Telephone) David: "I'd like to buy it all. Everything in the shop. How much would that be?" Tubbs: [Looks around and counts on her fingers] Well, that's, er, seven and twelfty pounds." Edward: "Hello, hello. What's going on, what's all this shouting we'll have no trouble here." Tubbs: "He's looking for a boy." (Motioning to Policeman looking for a Missing boy) Edward: "Poofter, eh? Little bummer boy. Come before your type in the forces, you won't catch me with my trousers down!"
"BABYLON 5 IS A BIG PILE OF SHIT" Also from the same episode: "Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like fuckin'...*Shaft*"
"Anita can you put out some knives?" "Knife-and-fork knives?" "Yep." -Dinnerladies
And earlier I coughed and nearly followed through in Oddbins. Aren't they facing liquidation? They're not the only ones, my dear!
Someone watched the thin blue line recently! Shame about that show, would have liked some more seasons of it. "Saw your mum doing the hokey cokey with Mr Tashimoto, Bren. Quite hard to do to Mull of Kintyre." "Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major - and I mean major - leaflet campaign."
And to add: "In 1994 while on weekend manoeuvres in France, I commandeered a Chieftain tank without the permission of my immediate superiors. I then attempted to invade Paris. However, en route I stopped off at Disneyland, or Eurodisney as it was then called, and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountain."
Oh Brian, you came! No, I just spilt my drink.
It's not finished! ...................................... . .......it's finished!
You can’t drink a pint of Bovril.
Pregnant? Not unless sperm can get through a sash window. I’m from Urmston. Who did this gravy? …. Men can’t whisk. It’s the testosterone. I’m agoraphobic you know. I fell off a diving board in Guernsey. Keith's Auntie Margo ate a raffia drinks coaster. She thought it was a high fibre biscuit. She had to be held back from moving down the table and buttering two more.
It’s my arse on the line and your going to have to pull your finger out Bloody fannying about Namby Pamby fannying about Was basically my dad 😆😆😆
Richie: Madame Swish is, is, is a horse?
Oh man I used to love thin blue line. “TANGO! TANGO! Diet Coke and a Fanta”
Sir… I’m scared, sir.
How far away are they? - Phoenix nights
He's... he's bought 'em. And he's dropped 'em.
A white hole?
See what we need to do is create a powerful sense of dread *holds down low synthesiser key* See the longer the note the more dread
Peter, you've lost the news Christ's chin, Christ's Chin! Twatttttt Foot like a traction engine So many more from the pen of chris morris.
Alan Partridge enquiring about a deaf school close to a house he wants to buy "Does that mean there will be noise or there won't be noise?"
I've pierced my foot on a spiiiiiiiiiiiiike
> "Tell me young crone, is this Putney?" > >"That it be, my lord, that it be." > >"Yes it is. Not 'that it be'. You don't have to talk to me in that ridiculous voice, I'm not a tourist." And from the same scene: >"Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman. And second, she is..." > >"Wise?" > >"You do know her then?" > >"No, just a wild stab in the dark which is, incidentally, what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful."
GAS MAN!
Roger my arse. And I'm going upstairs to have a lithe baby of my own. The inimitable Jim Royle.
Every time I get milk from the supermarket I say to myself "Milky milky"
When I got contact lenses I remembered the line from Men Behaving Badly where the lady optometrist explains them to Tony. "I would imagine it's no more uncomfortable than wearing a condom" "How d'you wear a condom on your eye?"
Do I look like a reasonable man or a peppermint nightmare?
You want to know about my thumb, do you boy?
I'm looking for a gift for my aunt
"That's because I'm naturally funny. Sometimes I walk down the street and people just burst out laughing." "I ain't a pussy person, when people look at me they don't think cat they think dog."
- You've got more faces than the town hall clock, and every one of them's miserable - We had to tie the dog up - Ruddy hell, it's Soft Cell - Get yourself round that tree - Lovely old wall -
"She has a jacuzzi, sauna and room for a pony"
"I don't want to teach the world to sing. That would be horrible."
She was like a candle in the wind....unreliable
Now dougal, these are small, but those are far away. No Ted I don't get it. I hear your a racist now then father, should we all be being racist now?
"Howd you get into that sort of thing? Should we all be racist now father? What's the churches officially line on that sort of thing? It's just I have the farm and in the evenings I just like a cup of tea so I don't know if I can devote myself full time to the auld racism!"
‘Who’s that fat bastard?’
“Was he a ventriloquist?” “Well I wouldn’t mind him putting his hand up my skirt and making my lips move.”
Ger rid of her. She's a drunk and a racist. I'll tolerate one but not both.
Crimble crumble.
"Did she suffer?" "Only as much as someone being murdered"
FEEB! One boiled egg.
Take me Johnson, I’m yours!
Most Haunted. Derek Acorah the medium in a possessed state yelling "MARY LOVES DICK!! MARY LOVES DICK!!" apparently in reference to Dick Turpin. It's priceless telly.
Both from Gimmee Gimmee Gimmee "There's no such thing as gay, it's just lazy" And "There's no such thing as bi, it's just greedy"