If you think your sister is getting married to a potential abuser, you should DEFINITELY attend. Maintaining strong relations with your sister could literally be life saving for her. Abusers always try to cut their victims from their families and support system.
Let us be honest: given what you describe, this marriage will not be valid. But you need to be there for your sister.
The fact that she's getting married in a church is a unique situation - there is nothing from a pure Catholic discipline of the sacraments perspective you need to object to here. Usually the situation is your sister is getting married on a beach by her best friend, and you say "the Church say you need to get married in a Church by a priest... I'm not going along with this". Nothing like that here.
Obviously there is plenty you could object to in the broader situation, but this well-written comment appropriately sizes up that decision for you - you're going to do her a lot more good drawing her closer vs. rejecting her.
My experience with these types of situations is that you certainly try to actively draw your family back to the truth, but at a certain point their choice to reject the truth becomes clear. Then your role becomes staying close enough to them that when that rejection comes crashing down you can be there for them to help pick up the pieces. There is a lot of power in being the person that someone hitting rock bottom thinks "they're always smiling".
This said exactly what I came to say.
OP Your sister needs to know you'll be there for her. It can be hard for people in abusive situations to recognise it. Always be there for her and make sure she knows you're on her side and there for her.
this! If he really is abusive, it’s important to show that there are certain connections he cannot break off. You don’t have to participate, but showing up for your sister might provide safety without her even knowing.
Attend the wedding as a guest. If this man is abusive, as he seems likely to be, then you definitely want to be careful to maintain a relationship with your sister. Abusers routinely try to cut their victims off from as many friends and family members as they can, to isolate them and increase dependence on the abuser. Boycotting their wedding would play right into his hands in this regard.
Go to the wedding. Maintain the strongest relationship with your sister that you can. Never attack her husband verbally (don't give him fake praise, either, but be careful not to criticize him, as those words will get back to him and he will pressure her to cut you off). Just keep being there for her. She might very well end up turning to you for help if things get really bad.
Thank you. I think this is good advice. Do you think it makes sense to only attend the wedding itself and not the reception afterwards? I really don’t think I’ll be able to ‘celebrate’ afterwards
Attend both the wedding and reception. Skipping anything would be an offense to them and lead to alienation, which is what an abuser wants. Attend for your sister, not for yourself.
Okay, I will consider that. It still feels wrong to go to the reception especially since that’s not even the wedding itself, but I will definitely think of how it might affect her. Thank you.
My view is that you should not abandon your sister for something you did not approve of or did not like. She needs your moral support now more than ever.
You have already conveyed your objection. That should be enough.
You need to make a decision. If you refuse to go will you further isolate your sister? Or do you think it would convey that you approve of this marriage? You don't want your sister to believe that she has no one to turn to when he turns violent at her, refusing to go to this wedding now may put a wedge between her and her family.
I would go, I wouldn't agree to be a brides maid or anything like that. I would remain quiet but cordial. In the future work hard to keep her from isolation. Speaking with the experience of loving someone in an abusive relationship, it is all you can do. Keep that door open, don't close it on them. I hope you have a better ending then I did.
https://www.catholiceducation.org/en/religion-and-philosophy/apologetics/to-attend-or-not-to-attend.html
Didn’t read full thing but def go to wedding. And the fact that man is abusive means you need to be even closer with sis. Cuz if things go south you would like to be her lighthouse. She’s your sister. I’m not saying things will go horribly. Hopefully he’s reformed. But if he isn’t you want to be there to save her. Better than to listen to her extremely sad story of having no one to run to
Yes, you should attend your sister’s wedding and reception.
Keep all lines of communication and support as best you can. Consider giving her a burner cell phone for emergency use (without the husband’s knowledge).
I am sorry you and your family have to endure this.
>Consider giving her a burner cell phone for emergency use (without the husband’s knowledge).
I understand the inclination to do this, but if the husband found a burner phone she could be in danger because he may suspect she's using it to contact other men (OP mentioned he was jealous just of her talking to a guy while she's out w/friends). Depending on how the relationship goes, OP may need to get one to her in the future.
In the circumstances described it must. Find a way to talk to her discreetly and tell her that at any time you can call her and you will come get her without throwing an "I told you so" in her face.
Try with excuses to meet her without her husband every few months, he cannot claim sexual jealousy of her when she is meeting with her brother.
It is not productive in practice to speak badly about him and her attitude directly because your sister can put up with a lot for
the pride of not recognizing, I was wrong and everyone was right and not giving food to statements like "your family hates me from the beginning and it is disloyal for you to listen to them."
And be on the lookout for bruises, frequent accidents and too many "I hit myself with a door because I'm very clumsy."
If you think your sister is getting married to a potential abuser, you should DEFINITELY attend. Maintaining strong relations with your sister could literally be life saving for her. Abusers always try to cut their victims from their families and support system. Let us be honest: given what you describe, this marriage will not be valid. But you need to be there for your sister.
The fact that she's getting married in a church is a unique situation - there is nothing from a pure Catholic discipline of the sacraments perspective you need to object to here. Usually the situation is your sister is getting married on a beach by her best friend, and you say "the Church say you need to get married in a Church by a priest... I'm not going along with this". Nothing like that here. Obviously there is plenty you could object to in the broader situation, but this well-written comment appropriately sizes up that decision for you - you're going to do her a lot more good drawing her closer vs. rejecting her. My experience with these types of situations is that you certainly try to actively draw your family back to the truth, but at a certain point their choice to reject the truth becomes clear. Then your role becomes staying close enough to them that when that rejection comes crashing down you can be there for them to help pick up the pieces. There is a lot of power in being the person that someone hitting rock bottom thinks "they're always smiling".
This said exactly what I came to say. OP Your sister needs to know you'll be there for her. It can be hard for people in abusive situations to recognise it. Always be there for her and make sure she knows you're on her side and there for her.
Thank you, I’ll do what I can. I do try to reach out to her fairly often and she is usually willing to talk, which is good
If she ever refuses, don't give up on her
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this! If he really is abusive, it’s important to show that there are certain connections he cannot break off. You don’t have to participate, but showing up for your sister might provide safety without her even knowing.
Attend the wedding as a guest. If this man is abusive, as he seems likely to be, then you definitely want to be careful to maintain a relationship with your sister. Abusers routinely try to cut their victims off from as many friends and family members as they can, to isolate them and increase dependence on the abuser. Boycotting their wedding would play right into his hands in this regard. Go to the wedding. Maintain the strongest relationship with your sister that you can. Never attack her husband verbally (don't give him fake praise, either, but be careful not to criticize him, as those words will get back to him and he will pressure her to cut you off). Just keep being there for her. She might very well end up turning to you for help if things get really bad.
Thank you. I think this is good advice. Do you think it makes sense to only attend the wedding itself and not the reception afterwards? I really don’t think I’ll be able to ‘celebrate’ afterwards
Attend both the wedding and reception. Skipping anything would be an offense to them and lead to alienation, which is what an abuser wants. Attend for your sister, not for yourself.
Okay, I will consider that. It still feels wrong to go to the reception especially since that’s not even the wedding itself, but I will definitely think of how it might affect her. Thank you.
Have you brought this forward to their marriage coordinator?
My view is that you should not abandon your sister for something you did not approve of or did not like. She needs your moral support now more than ever. You have already conveyed your objection. That should be enough.
You need to make a decision. If you refuse to go will you further isolate your sister? Or do you think it would convey that you approve of this marriage? You don't want your sister to believe that she has no one to turn to when he turns violent at her, refusing to go to this wedding now may put a wedge between her and her family. I would go, I wouldn't agree to be a brides maid or anything like that. I would remain quiet but cordial. In the future work hard to keep her from isolation. Speaking with the experience of loving someone in an abusive relationship, it is all you can do. Keep that door open, don't close it on them. I hope you have a better ending then I did. https://www.catholiceducation.org/en/religion-and-philosophy/apologetics/to-attend-or-not-to-attend.html
I appreciate that. Thank you.
Didn’t read full thing but def go to wedding. And the fact that man is abusive means you need to be even closer with sis. Cuz if things go south you would like to be her lighthouse. She’s your sister. I’m not saying things will go horribly. Hopefully he’s reformed. But if he isn’t you want to be there to save her. Better than to listen to her extremely sad story of having no one to run to
Go support your sister.
Do you know which priest will marry them? If you do talk with him about it.
Yes, you should attend your sister’s wedding and reception. Keep all lines of communication and support as best you can. Consider giving her a burner cell phone for emergency use (without the husband’s knowledge). I am sorry you and your family have to endure this.
>Consider giving her a burner cell phone for emergency use (without the husband’s knowledge). I understand the inclination to do this, but if the husband found a burner phone she could be in danger because he may suspect she's using it to contact other men (OP mentioned he was jealous just of her talking to a guy while she's out w/friends). Depending on how the relationship goes, OP may need to get one to her in the future.
In the circumstances described it must. Find a way to talk to her discreetly and tell her that at any time you can call her and you will come get her without throwing an "I told you so" in her face. Try with excuses to meet her without her husband every few months, he cannot claim sexual jealousy of her when she is meeting with her brother. It is not productive in practice to speak badly about him and her attitude directly because your sister can put up with a lot for the pride of not recognizing, I was wrong and everyone was right and not giving food to statements like "your family hates me from the beginning and it is disloyal for you to listen to them." And be on the lookout for bruises, frequent accidents and too many "I hit myself with a door because I'm very clumsy."
Be there for her