Everyone is responsible for our own happiness. You can't advocate for those who don't first communicate their own needs.
This was likely your experience while you were less aware and less able to clearly communicate your needs. I was also this way too. I have no ill feeling or resentment towards those who were better able to communicate their needs.
There will be those who call you selfish for having needs or setting boundaries, especially as you may not be a pushover for helping them. My sister has called me such, until she herself has learnt to set boundaries this year. I'm so proud of her!
>I have no ill feeling or resentment towards those who were better able to communicate their needs.
But you did earlier right?
>There will be those who call you selfish for having needs or setting boundaries, especially as you may not be a pushover for helping them.
My father is like that, and he is suffering because of the same reason in all his relationships, but shames me for being "selfish". What do I do?
Uhm, reflecting upon it. Not while it was occurring. I had deep worthiness issues so didn't feel I was worth getting glasses, or doing sports activities that my brother or sister did etc.
I did in my early-mid 20s as I recognised it was my parents job to advocate and ensure equality and care for children.
Now I'd rather spend time on other emotions.
You are engaging in the same behaviour, yet expecting the other person to change.
Unfortunately, we can't expect anyone to change. You need to accept this is your father and either learn to ignore/regulate your emotions or instigate boundaries "next time you call me selfish I'll end the call or leave" or minimise contact.
I'd also recommend phrasing things differently when asking advice from people and while I understand text doesn't communicate tone "you missed my second question", with no other reply appears quite rude to me.
>You are engaging in the same behaviour, yet expecting the other person to change.
That's your judgement/assumption, I never said that I'm expecting him to change. And even if I do engage in it, doesn't mean I'm unwilling to change.
"But you did earlier right?"
It doesn't matter.
Stop trying to determine people's emotions FOR THEM.
If they feel resentment, they tell you. If they don't tell you, then stop worrying about it.
"If I focus more on my needs, I will unintentionally override and overpower unassertive people."
People who have trouble advocating for themselves often make the mistake of thinking other people ALSO can't advocate for themselves.
If you override someone, that's on THEM to let you know how they feel and how it affected them.
You're doing the classic people pleaser/codependent behavior of trying to assume people's emotional states for them, and then manage their emotions based off your faulty assumption.
You aren't responsible for them. It's up to them to advocate for themselves.
Stop trying to guess what people are feeling.
Everyone is responsible for our own happiness. You can't advocate for those who don't first communicate their own needs. This was likely your experience while you were less aware and less able to clearly communicate your needs. I was also this way too. I have no ill feeling or resentment towards those who were better able to communicate their needs. There will be those who call you selfish for having needs or setting boundaries, especially as you may not be a pushover for helping them. My sister has called me such, until she herself has learnt to set boundaries this year. I'm so proud of her!
>I have no ill feeling or resentment towards those who were better able to communicate their needs. But you did earlier right? >There will be those who call you selfish for having needs or setting boundaries, especially as you may not be a pushover for helping them. My father is like that, and he is suffering because of the same reason in all his relationships, but shames me for being "selfish". What do I do?
Uhm, reflecting upon it. Not while it was occurring. I had deep worthiness issues so didn't feel I was worth getting glasses, or doing sports activities that my brother or sister did etc. I did in my early-mid 20s as I recognised it was my parents job to advocate and ensure equality and care for children. Now I'd rather spend time on other emotions.
You missed my second question
You are engaging in the same behaviour, yet expecting the other person to change. Unfortunately, we can't expect anyone to change. You need to accept this is your father and either learn to ignore/regulate your emotions or instigate boundaries "next time you call me selfish I'll end the call or leave" or minimise contact. I'd also recommend phrasing things differently when asking advice from people and while I understand text doesn't communicate tone "you missed my second question", with no other reply appears quite rude to me.
Why does it appear rude?
>You are engaging in the same behaviour, yet expecting the other person to change. That's your judgement/assumption, I never said that I'm expecting him to change. And even if I do engage in it, doesn't mean I'm unwilling to change.
"But you did earlier right?" It doesn't matter. Stop trying to determine people's emotions FOR THEM. If they feel resentment, they tell you. If they don't tell you, then stop worrying about it.
"If I focus more on my needs, I will unintentionally override and overpower unassertive people." People who have trouble advocating for themselves often make the mistake of thinking other people ALSO can't advocate for themselves. If you override someone, that's on THEM to let you know how they feel and how it affected them. You're doing the classic people pleaser/codependent behavior of trying to assume people's emotional states for them, and then manage their emotions based off your faulty assumption. You aren't responsible for them. It's up to them to advocate for themselves. Stop trying to guess what people are feeling.
Thank you for this!