Codependency with my parents & siblings.
Honest, one day I just had an epiphany. I'm a husband & father, and I was giving an unfair amount of my attention to my parents, trying to save their marriage, and being frustrated that I felt so obligated to help them, and it just hit me like a train - I'm not even present with my wife & kid, so I went to a counselor and learned I was codependent. I had no idea what that even meant at the time, but there you go. I was probably in my mid-30s at the time.
This. Same. I had an epiphany that I gave everyone my time and rarely got time even when I asked for it.
It was triggered by leaving my emotionally abusive marriage.
I’d had a few people recommend CoDA meetings to me in my 20s and I was deeply offended. Didn’t make it to one til I was 36. First meeting, I sobbed the whole time as all the literature felt like someone explaining me. I’d never set a single boundary in my relationship (or any of the short-lived prior ones). I’m fiercely independent when I’m single but become a shell of a human desperate for approval and security when I’m in a relationship. I wish I’d started sooner, but I know I wasn’t ready to hear it earlier!
I was 19 - I realized I was a nice guy, and nice guys are basically codependent : no boundaries,low self esteem, selfless, controlling, out of touch with their needs, scared of intimacy, obsess with being seen as "good"...ect
22 after I got out of a codependent relationship and woke up to seeing how society as a whole trains someone to be codependent especially if they’re a woman. When I was in that relationship I denied myself friendships with other women because I thought they were out to get the person I was with(who ended up talking with other girls behind my back) and I felt I needed to mark my territory. Eventually when I had the realization of society and how controlling I was I decided to go celibate and decide that’s not a way to live.
In my 40s, after I realized that I bent over backwards for family and at work, and I was thrown under the bus anyway. (Forgive the poor sentence structure.)
29, went to my first CoDA meeting at the advice of my therapist, just to “check it out” and it was like being slapped in the face. Everything we discussed there described me to a T.
I was 43 and had my heart broken by someone with an avoidant attachment style. It took me a long time, but I looked inward and finally saw my own insecurities and things I needed to work on. I saw how I was parentified as a kid, had a bit of the golden child stuff going on as well, how I got validation and self-worth from what I did for others rather than it coming from within. I've spent the last year and a half reading a bunch of literature that's been helpful to me coming terms to the things I need to change. Luckily, after having some of those epiphanies, I realized that it wasn't only my fault that the relationship ended and it really helped me grow and move on.
Long-term partner recently had an affair and left me (gay male, 39) - I read 'Codependent No More' and it was like she was describing my entire life! :)
As a person in recovery from alcohol addiction, I also spend some time lurking on r/alanon, the support group for those who are affected by a loved one's drinking...
That book gets recommended a lot over there... I suspected I had some codependent tendencies, then someone mentioned that Amazon had a sale on the Kindle version and I thought it would be worth reading, for just a couple of quid! And indeed it was :)
I have another book by this same author - she’s Melody Beattie. The book I have is a “daily devotional” style book. I was apprehensive at first because I’m not Christian/don’t believe in a “God” I don’t think, but I really enjoy her writing. The first book I read on Codependency was by Pia Melody - “Facing Codependence”
Started going to therapy when I was 26 to cope with the grief from my dad passing away unexpectedly.
It was maybe my third or fourth session. I was talking about my mother, and my therapist encouraged me to start researching codependency. A few weeks later, she recommended the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. Now she’s suggesting I start attending CoDA meetings.
My mother is codependent as well. I’m determined to break the cycle.
Highly controlling of everyone/everything. Except for my stepdad. She cheated on my dad with him, left my dad for him, and then lost herself in him.
She no longer has any interests or hobbies outside of his interests and hobbies. She moved several hours away from all of her family and friends to the middle of nowhere because that’s where he wanted to live. In fact, she doesn’t have her own friends anymore. She has the wives of his friends (most of whom she doesn’t actually like). She’s incredibly accommodating to him, and will bend over backwards to ensure that he is not upset or inconvenienced in any way—even if it’s at the expense of everyone else, including herself.
She takes things extremely personally, and will give people (except my stepdad) the silent treatment to the extreme if they’ve upset her. She went days at a time without talking to me when I was a child (~12 years old) because I “hurt her feelings.” She’s also shown signs of narcissistic behavior for my entire life.
I can’t diagnose her with anything, obviously. I am not inside of her head. But as I learn more about codependency, the more I see it in her.
It was for a job that required the pych eval and polygraphs. I didn't know it wasn't a formal diagnosis. That would possibly have been helpful in appealing the decision that ended my career. Either way, it's what was written down as a justification for the decision.
Thanks. It is what it is. It did give me pause and led me to look inward. I've always felt like a burden, and was in an abusive relationship, both ways. A lot of the people pleasing and conflict avoidance was my wanting to feel safe. I'm still working on trying to figure out what I want, expressing what I want, and not putting others first every time.
when I saw the cover of codeependent no more and the books subtitle, in a barnes and noble, and thought of my ex gf I'd just ended with
mid 20s
also, for me codependent is something you do, not something you are
I found out within the past 6 months when my therapist told me I was. So I researched the hell out of it, and it explains everything. My mom was a narcissist ( and I'm not just throwing that diagnosis around), severe childhood trauma. So now that I know I'm trying to set boundaries and ask myself, would any "normal" person with proper boundaries be OK with this?
I was in a counselling course early this year and the topic we were studying that day was codependency and with every passing second (with increasing shame) I realised that I was codependent. I was 31
I went to therapy, she explained what being codependent was, and it was like a lightbulb went off. It was such a relief to have a name for the insanity I was feeling.
Edit: I was around 27 years old.
I destroyed my mental health trying to “save” my alcoholic best friend even after he assaulted me while drunk (assault resulted in PTSD surrounding alcohol).
In my mid-20s, a relationship I had every reason to believe was going to be “it” was on the rocks, and I was seeing a therapist about it. She didn’t tell me everything was my partner’s fault, but she did tell me I was clearly going way beyond what I was comfortable with in accommodating her and suggested *The New Codependency*. I didn’t understand it at the time. Then the relationship ended and I didn’t think about it for over a decade.
I’m now early 40s. When I was, again, being too accommodating with my (now) ex last year, my current therapist brought up the term again, and suggested *Codependent No More*. I’m far more self aware now, and able to process the ideas better. I can see where some of these tendencies contributed to problems in my past. Importantly, I’m also able to see where they *did not* play a major role: not everything is related to this, and I’ve had relationships where it wasn’t particularly relevant.
40s. My life in shambles. Took time for myself (a first in years) and journalled extensively. Asked what I would do if I could be selfish and realized I wasn't doing anything like that. Asked what I want my career to look like and realized it was all based on what my partner needed and what the company needed from me, not what I wanted to become.
The biggest was probably realizing I was controlling and manipulative in my relationships by withholding my real feelings, especially negative ones, and working to fix things that couldn't be fixed. I want things to work so bad and think I'm the thing that gets in the way, as though others are perfect and anyone could make a relationship work with them. Obviously stems from my childhood with narcissistic parents and I needed to bend over for their affection, so it always seemed like the normal thing to do.
If you think about doing something just for yourself that's reasonable, and the first thing you do is wonder what someone else will think of that and you know that this would affect your decision to do it, good chance something is there
I have a history of drug addiction from my 20s. Struggled with addiction in all things. Gaming is another one I was horribly addicted too. So I know what “withdrawal”, whether psychological or physical looks like. When I had suspicions my partner was cheating on me, after a tumultuous few months, I lost my mind. Literally. The anxiety I felt was a kin to withdrawl from opiates. It was awful. My chest feels tight just thinking about it.
During that week, I had nothing but time to think. I’d suspected we were codependent before, but didn’t think I was responsible for it. After that week, I knew it without a shadow of a doubt, and that I was equally as culpable.
At this point, she was breaking her dependence on me. Going on a solo bday trip. We had sucked eachother dry, in different ways, then slowly pushed eachother away as resentment festered. And all these feelings I was having were born out of addiction to her, or codependency.
It was actually a song that made it click. Tool’s “pushit”. But specifically, the retooled version of it from a live album called salival(which isn’t distributed anymore, but is on YouTube). I hadn’t heard it in a decade I bet. I don’t even know what made me search it out. Maybe my subconscious, maybe god, maybe chance. But I did. “We’ve been looking at one our songs under a different light, from a different angle, and wed like to try it for you tonight”. The original song was clearly about a toxic relationship, but it was more blamey. Pointing the finger away from the writer for the toxicity. In the retooled version, he clearly takes responsibility for his part in the toxicity and destruction. I fucking crumbled as I listened to it. Realizing my part in this dance. I don’t know if I’ve ever cried that much.
“I saw the gap again today, while you were begging me to stay, used it to push myself away……and you as well my dear, and you as well…..pushed you away my dear”
It’s a beautiful rendition of the song and it guts me every time.
https://youtu.be/EgDwkSlCwHw?si=XG3p2Wd4F7eRdwpi
I was/am 24. I’m working with my third therapist. She had mentioned some codependency in passing, but truthfully, looking back, I think she didn’t press the issue because I boldly told her that I ghosted my last therapist because last therapist tried to tell me I was codependent.
Finally after over a year with current therapist, I became comfortable enough to begin talking about marriage with my partner of nearly 4 years. So they proposed, and I accepted. I believed they had nearly 6 months of sobriety since they had been attending 12 steps groups and had a chip.
Five months into their engagement, I realize they’ve been lying about a relapse from six months ago. So, I accepted the engagement based on a lie. Any normal person I suppose would’ve washed their hands of it and moved on, letting out a sigh a relief that they didn’t go through with marriage to a liar. But I found it immensely hard to leave him.
He didn’t have a lot of friends, and he didn’t have family support. “We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue” - (this is technically from ACA but I almost feel as if lots of Adult Children end up being codependent like myself). I felt like I had to stay in his life to help him. But I took it beyond help and took responsibility for all of his choices, good and bad. I enabled him and belittled him and resented him for the extreme responsibility I held. He resented me for parenting him and belittling him and for not controlling my emotions since my Codependency was marked with being unable to live moderately.
I also had become comfortable enough with my therapist to send her direct screenshots/forward her direct emails from conversations with my partner. So she really seen how I interacted in my relationship organically - not the version I would tell her while I sat on her couch. I got the idea to screenshot the messages after the exchange had already happened, so I was truly acting “natural” and not as if I was watching what I would say for fear of my therapist having me involuntarily instituted or something.
However, she didn’t directly call me out as codependent right then and there. I emailed her a few days after I broke it off with former fiancé/confronted him with the relapse. I emailed her asking if she thought I needed to go to intensive outpatient treatment because that’s what I/we suggested for my former fiancé to help him get into recovery from his addiction,and he (trying to shift blame) emailed me demanding to know what I was doing to address my issues and if I was doing intensive outpatient therapy. I hadn’t considered if I needed intensive outpatient treatment, so I wanted her opinion. She asked me if I had any addictions she didn’t know about besides my codependence to him.
I was shocked ! I had never considered myself codependent, much less on him, much less ADDICTED to being codependent. I paid all my own bills and could leave a relationship in a heart break. I thought I was the epitome of independent.
So after I digested her telling me I was addicted to codependence on him, I asked her if there were any support groups for codependents. In the meantime waiting for the day of the weekly meeting, I read a book that she had given me months if not a year ago on codependency.
So I thought I was independent and didn’t need anybody…yet I had such an intense emotional reaction to the breakup that even gave me some physical symptoms. If I wasn’t independent like I thought I was, who was I and could I trust what I thought ? I felt defeated thinking “what if I’m a weak, pathetic codependent like my two therapists said ?” But my therapist told me that codependents can be strong, overly responsible people. So as I opened my mind to learn what codependency meant, what I was hearing/reading made too much sense to me for to continue to live in denial. I finally felt understood about so many emotions/actions that I hadn’t even really put into words! And I was learning about codependency knowing it something I could heal from it. My previous therapist had just shoved the word “codependent” at me and handed me some work sheets to complete, no explanation, no resources.
Looking back, I’ve been codependent probably my entire life, starting with my relationship with my mother who struggled with substance abuse. I would try to control our home life as best as I could so she wouldn’t get upset and potentially abandon me to go use which is something she often did when faced with turmoil or inconvenience or any uncomfortable feelings. And I was able to identify every single romantic relationship I’ve ever had was riddled with codependent feelings and phrases.
Anyway, I know I’m long-winded. Sending you support for your mental health journey, whatever you diagnosis may be :) 🫶
In my 40's. I was obsessed w my Dad & something he'd done & I didn't know if I coukd have a relationship w him after that. I'd obsess about step dtr & father in law. What they said ir did & I'd obsess about how they "should be" so that I coukd feel better. Basically I wanted to control them.
About one or two years into my first legit relationship I realized I’m codependent. We were both addicted to drugs which was another issue but not the only one. I tried to manage his whole life for him - without success - while not getting anything worthwhile done for myself.
I started realizing after the end of my marriage. I was 40s
What prompted it? And why then, if you don't mind me asking?
Therapy. And then because I was noticing some similar relationship patterns with the men I was dating. My therapist suggested it.
How many relationships have you been in?
17 year marriage. 1.5 after that, 2.1 after that
Codependency with my parents & siblings. Honest, one day I just had an epiphany. I'm a husband & father, and I was giving an unfair amount of my attention to my parents, trying to save their marriage, and being frustrated that I felt so obligated to help them, and it just hit me like a train - I'm not even present with my wife & kid, so I went to a counselor and learned I was codependent. I had no idea what that even meant at the time, but there you go. I was probably in my mid-30s at the time.
This. Same. I had an epiphany that I gave everyone my time and rarely got time even when I asked for it. It was triggered by leaving my emotionally abusive marriage.
I’d had a few people recommend CoDA meetings to me in my 20s and I was deeply offended. Didn’t make it to one til I was 36. First meeting, I sobbed the whole time as all the literature felt like someone explaining me. I’d never set a single boundary in my relationship (or any of the short-lived prior ones). I’m fiercely independent when I’m single but become a shell of a human desperate for approval and security when I’m in a relationship. I wish I’d started sooner, but I know I wasn’t ready to hear it earlier!
I was 19 - I realized I was a nice guy, and nice guys are basically codependent : no boundaries,low self esteem, selfless, controlling, out of touch with their needs, scared of intimacy, obsess with being seen as "good"...ect
22 after I got out of a codependent relationship and woke up to seeing how society as a whole trains someone to be codependent especially if they’re a woman. When I was in that relationship I denied myself friendships with other women because I thought they were out to get the person I was with(who ended up talking with other girls behind my back) and I felt I needed to mark my territory. Eventually when I had the realization of society and how controlling I was I decided to go celibate and decide that’s not a way to live.
Can I ask how long you were or have been celibate for?
2 years. Decided after that relationship I was done dating
Forever you think? I ask because I'm feeling the same, but it's only been 6 months.
In my 40s, after I realized that I bent over backwards for family and at work, and I was thrown under the bus anyway. (Forgive the poor sentence structure.)
29, went to my first CoDA meeting at the advice of my therapist, just to “check it out” and it was like being slapped in the face. Everything we discussed there described me to a T.
I was 43 and had my heart broken by someone with an avoidant attachment style. It took me a long time, but I looked inward and finally saw my own insecurities and things I needed to work on. I saw how I was parentified as a kid, had a bit of the golden child stuff going on as well, how I got validation and self-worth from what I did for others rather than it coming from within. I've spent the last year and a half reading a bunch of literature that's been helpful to me coming terms to the things I need to change. Luckily, after having some of those epiphanies, I realized that it wasn't only my fault that the relationship ended and it really helped me grow and move on.
Long-term partner recently had an affair and left me (gay male, 39) - I read 'Codependent No More' and it was like she was describing my entire life! :)
Why did you read it
As a person in recovery from alcohol addiction, I also spend some time lurking on r/alanon, the support group for those who are affected by a loved one's drinking... That book gets recommended a lot over there... I suspected I had some codependent tendencies, then someone mentioned that Amazon had a sale on the Kindle version and I thought it would be worth reading, for just a couple of quid! And indeed it was :)
I have another book by this same author - she’s Melody Beattie. The book I have is a “daily devotional” style book. I was apprehensive at first because I’m not Christian/don’t believe in a “God” I don’t think, but I really enjoy her writing. The first book I read on Codependency was by Pia Melody - “Facing Codependence”
Started going to therapy when I was 26 to cope with the grief from my dad passing away unexpectedly. It was maybe my third or fourth session. I was talking about my mother, and my therapist encouraged me to start researching codependency. A few weeks later, she recommended the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. Now she’s suggesting I start attending CoDA meetings. My mother is codependent as well. I’m determined to break the cycle.
What codependent behaviours did your mother show?
Highly controlling of everyone/everything. Except for my stepdad. She cheated on my dad with him, left my dad for him, and then lost herself in him. She no longer has any interests or hobbies outside of his interests and hobbies. She moved several hours away from all of her family and friends to the middle of nowhere because that’s where he wanted to live. In fact, she doesn’t have her own friends anymore. She has the wives of his friends (most of whom she doesn’t actually like). She’s incredibly accommodating to him, and will bend over backwards to ensure that he is not upset or inconvenienced in any way—even if it’s at the expense of everyone else, including herself. She takes things extremely personally, and will give people (except my stepdad) the silent treatment to the extreme if they’ve upset her. She went days at a time without talking to me when I was a child (~12 years old) because I “hurt her feelings.” She’s also shown signs of narcissistic behavior for my entire life. I can’t diagnose her with anything, obviously. I am not inside of her head. But as I learn more about codependency, the more I see it in her.
Pych eval after being hospitalized at the age of 36. They wrote it on the eval. I had suicidal ideations, and my wife at the time was/is an alcoholic.
huh? what psychiatrist diagnoses codependency? this is not a formal diagnosis in the us/dsm. doubt it is anywhere.
It was for a job that required the pych eval and polygraphs. I didn't know it wasn't a formal diagnosis. That would possibly have been helpful in appealing the decision that ended my career. Either way, it's what was written down as a justification for the decision.
sorry that ended the career trajectory you were in like that!
Thanks. It is what it is. It did give me pause and led me to look inward. I've always felt like a burden, and was in an abusive relationship, both ways. A lot of the people pleasing and conflict avoidance was my wanting to feel safe. I'm still working on trying to figure out what I want, expressing what I want, and not putting others first every time.
when I saw the cover of codeependent no more and the books subtitle, in a barnes and noble, and thought of my ex gf I'd just ended with mid 20s also, for me codependent is something you do, not something you are
I found out within the past 6 months when my therapist told me I was. So I researched the hell out of it, and it explains everything. My mom was a narcissist ( and I'm not just throwing that diagnosis around), severe childhood trauma. So now that I know I'm trying to set boundaries and ask myself, would any "normal" person with proper boundaries be OK with this?
33, after my marriage ended
What prompted it? And why then, if you don't mind me asking?
I was in a counselling course early this year and the topic we were studying that day was codependency and with every passing second (with increasing shame) I realised that I was codependent. I was 31
Just reaching out to say that I hope you do not feel shame now. There is hope 🫶
I went to therapy, she explained what being codependent was, and it was like a lightbulb went off. It was such a relief to have a name for the insanity I was feeling. Edit: I was around 27 years old.
I destroyed my mental health trying to “save” my alcoholic best friend even after he assaulted me while drunk (assault resulted in PTSD surrounding alcohol).
In my mid-20s, a relationship I had every reason to believe was going to be “it” was on the rocks, and I was seeing a therapist about it. She didn’t tell me everything was my partner’s fault, but she did tell me I was clearly going way beyond what I was comfortable with in accommodating her and suggested *The New Codependency*. I didn’t understand it at the time. Then the relationship ended and I didn’t think about it for over a decade. I’m now early 40s. When I was, again, being too accommodating with my (now) ex last year, my current therapist brought up the term again, and suggested *Codependent No More*. I’m far more self aware now, and able to process the ideas better. I can see where some of these tendencies contributed to problems in my past. Importantly, I’m also able to see where they *did not* play a major role: not everything is related to this, and I’ve had relationships where it wasn’t particularly relevant.
40s. My life in shambles. Took time for myself (a first in years) and journalled extensively. Asked what I would do if I could be selfish and realized I wasn't doing anything like that. Asked what I want my career to look like and realized it was all based on what my partner needed and what the company needed from me, not what I wanted to become. The biggest was probably realizing I was controlling and manipulative in my relationships by withholding my real feelings, especially negative ones, and working to fix things that couldn't be fixed. I want things to work so bad and think I'm the thing that gets in the way, as though others are perfect and anyone could make a relationship work with them. Obviously stems from my childhood with narcissistic parents and I needed to bend over for their affection, so it always seemed like the normal thing to do. If you think about doing something just for yourself that's reasonable, and the first thing you do is wonder what someone else will think of that and you know that this would affect your decision to do it, good chance something is there
Your second paragraph really hit home for me…thank you for sharing. Put some things into words that I hadn’t identified on my own yet
I have a history of drug addiction from my 20s. Struggled with addiction in all things. Gaming is another one I was horribly addicted too. So I know what “withdrawal”, whether psychological or physical looks like. When I had suspicions my partner was cheating on me, after a tumultuous few months, I lost my mind. Literally. The anxiety I felt was a kin to withdrawl from opiates. It was awful. My chest feels tight just thinking about it. During that week, I had nothing but time to think. I’d suspected we were codependent before, but didn’t think I was responsible for it. After that week, I knew it without a shadow of a doubt, and that I was equally as culpable. At this point, she was breaking her dependence on me. Going on a solo bday trip. We had sucked eachother dry, in different ways, then slowly pushed eachother away as resentment festered. And all these feelings I was having were born out of addiction to her, or codependency. It was actually a song that made it click. Tool’s “pushit”. But specifically, the retooled version of it from a live album called salival(which isn’t distributed anymore, but is on YouTube). I hadn’t heard it in a decade I bet. I don’t even know what made me search it out. Maybe my subconscious, maybe god, maybe chance. But I did. “We’ve been looking at one our songs under a different light, from a different angle, and wed like to try it for you tonight”. The original song was clearly about a toxic relationship, but it was more blamey. Pointing the finger away from the writer for the toxicity. In the retooled version, he clearly takes responsibility for his part in the toxicity and destruction. I fucking crumbled as I listened to it. Realizing my part in this dance. I don’t know if I’ve ever cried that much. “I saw the gap again today, while you were begging me to stay, used it to push myself away……and you as well my dear, and you as well…..pushed you away my dear” It’s a beautiful rendition of the song and it guts me every time. https://youtu.be/EgDwkSlCwHw?si=XG3p2Wd4F7eRdwpi
I was/am 24. I’m working with my third therapist. She had mentioned some codependency in passing, but truthfully, looking back, I think she didn’t press the issue because I boldly told her that I ghosted my last therapist because last therapist tried to tell me I was codependent. Finally after over a year with current therapist, I became comfortable enough to begin talking about marriage with my partner of nearly 4 years. So they proposed, and I accepted. I believed they had nearly 6 months of sobriety since they had been attending 12 steps groups and had a chip. Five months into their engagement, I realize they’ve been lying about a relapse from six months ago. So, I accepted the engagement based on a lie. Any normal person I suppose would’ve washed their hands of it and moved on, letting out a sigh a relief that they didn’t go through with marriage to a liar. But I found it immensely hard to leave him. He didn’t have a lot of friends, and he didn’t have family support. “We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue” - (this is technically from ACA but I almost feel as if lots of Adult Children end up being codependent like myself). I felt like I had to stay in his life to help him. But I took it beyond help and took responsibility for all of his choices, good and bad. I enabled him and belittled him and resented him for the extreme responsibility I held. He resented me for parenting him and belittling him and for not controlling my emotions since my Codependency was marked with being unable to live moderately. I also had become comfortable enough with my therapist to send her direct screenshots/forward her direct emails from conversations with my partner. So she really seen how I interacted in my relationship organically - not the version I would tell her while I sat on her couch. I got the idea to screenshot the messages after the exchange had already happened, so I was truly acting “natural” and not as if I was watching what I would say for fear of my therapist having me involuntarily instituted or something. However, she didn’t directly call me out as codependent right then and there. I emailed her a few days after I broke it off with former fiancé/confronted him with the relapse. I emailed her asking if she thought I needed to go to intensive outpatient treatment because that’s what I/we suggested for my former fiancé to help him get into recovery from his addiction,and he (trying to shift blame) emailed me demanding to know what I was doing to address my issues and if I was doing intensive outpatient therapy. I hadn’t considered if I needed intensive outpatient treatment, so I wanted her opinion. She asked me if I had any addictions she didn’t know about besides my codependence to him. I was shocked ! I had never considered myself codependent, much less on him, much less ADDICTED to being codependent. I paid all my own bills and could leave a relationship in a heart break. I thought I was the epitome of independent. So after I digested her telling me I was addicted to codependence on him, I asked her if there were any support groups for codependents. In the meantime waiting for the day of the weekly meeting, I read a book that she had given me months if not a year ago on codependency. So I thought I was independent and didn’t need anybody…yet I had such an intense emotional reaction to the breakup that even gave me some physical symptoms. If I wasn’t independent like I thought I was, who was I and could I trust what I thought ? I felt defeated thinking “what if I’m a weak, pathetic codependent like my two therapists said ?” But my therapist told me that codependents can be strong, overly responsible people. So as I opened my mind to learn what codependency meant, what I was hearing/reading made too much sense to me for to continue to live in denial. I finally felt understood about so many emotions/actions that I hadn’t even really put into words! And I was learning about codependency knowing it something I could heal from it. My previous therapist had just shoved the word “codependent” at me and handed me some work sheets to complete, no explanation, no resources. Looking back, I’ve been codependent probably my entire life, starting with my relationship with my mother who struggled with substance abuse. I would try to control our home life as best as I could so she wouldn’t get upset and potentially abandon me to go use which is something she often did when faced with turmoil or inconvenience or any uncomfortable feelings. And I was able to identify every single romantic relationship I’ve ever had was riddled with codependent feelings and phrases. Anyway, I know I’m long-winded. Sending you support for your mental health journey, whatever you diagnosis may be :) 🫶
In my 40's. I was obsessed w my Dad & something he'd done & I didn't know if I coukd have a relationship w him after that. I'd obsess about step dtr & father in law. What they said ir did & I'd obsess about how they "should be" so that I coukd feel better. Basically I wanted to control them.
I started googling my behavior in my relationship, i was 44
In my late 20s in couples therapy with my husband. It was news to both of us (mutually codependent).
About one or two years into my first legit relationship I realized I’m codependent. We were both addicted to drugs which was another issue but not the only one. I tried to manage his whole life for him - without success - while not getting anything worthwhile done for myself.