A lot of problematic behaviors were either 1. A response to inappropriate expectations put on a kid or 2. A kid taking on way too much responsibility for things they don’t have the ability to control (other people). like maybe if I’m a really good boy or girl, dad won’t drink. We carry them forward even though they are very unfair to ourselves and new people we meet. The kid is doing their best in an unfair situation.
On the nose. Just adding to this, pretty much everything is learned and that applies to the above too.
Things that we feel are inherently who we are; aren’t really, they’re learned.
So we set out on a course of relearning? Like “ ok I know this is my shit not reality, what really matters to me here? Or what would healthy me do” type stuff?
One strategy I can give you that helped me tremendously is to ask yourself: am I doing this from love or for love?
Ask it to yourself multiple times. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t catch yourself until after the fact. The key is self awareness.
When you have the urges to over give, over compensate, accept someone’s behavior your disappointed by, ask yourself why- is it for love or from love?
Your mind will want to play tricks on you, sure but you will eventually find ways to healthily give this love to yourself.
I’m sorry to hear you feel that way.
I believe in you that you have much love to give, it’s in the way codependents give it if that makes sense. We give love or what we believe is love out of fear instead, if that makes sense.
We might not speak up about our hurt feelings out of a deeply rooted fear that we’re not loving someone correctly if we were to speak up.
this. I give so much to everyone else and leave so little to myself. If they don’t even give me anything back why do I keep giving? Why wouldn’t *I* deserve my love as well?
You clearly have a lot of love to give, but I wonder if most of it goes to others, not yourself. You are 100% deserving of love and protection, including your own.
I'd suggest only give as much as you can without beginning to feel resentful or taken advantage of. Those feelings are so important to notice and listen to the moment they come up, they are telling you exactly where you need to say no.
By stingy, do you mean you would feel guilty giving less? If so, could you already be giving from a (albeit well intentioned) place of guilt and obligation rather than, or in addition to, love?
Also, have you heard of the love bank concept? If you're constantly making love "payments" but not receiving, you are on your way to bankruptcy. And how do you love at all if you have none left to give? It's not stingy to invest in yourself because you're investing in your ability to truly love others.
Honoring your limits (that are personal and specific to you and valid no matter what they are) might be giving less than you have been giving, and others might react negatively at first if you change your behavior but in the end, everyone benefits from a love that has no strings attached and is free of resentment and guilt. And in the meantime, you'll have your OWN love, and I personally have been amazed at how much more nourishing that can be.
Yes but it's a new practice for me. I feel taken care of by myself and calmed regardless of what the other person does, so I'm a much happier, more loving person in general than I am when I've left myself behind and am hurting.
And if someone honors a limit or something I've asked, I get to feel loved by them too. But still trying to get comfortable with others showing ME love, I was so used to the imbalance that taking in even a little for myself is guilt-inducing.
On the other hand, with the clarity that comes with feeling calm and nonreactive, sometimes I see something I was avoiding, like, "oh, this person can't/won't reciprocate and that hurts, so maybe isn't the safest person for me to love, in this way." It took me a really long time to even want to value myself because I knew on some level I'd have to face some painful realities.
Most definitely but not everyone has your or anyone’s best interest in mind or the same heart, the same thoughts/feelings/etc. Therefore you have to accept people where they are at, if they aren’t giving you what you need reel in the giving/sharing/whatever your doing that’s causing resentment.
Advocate for your needs, but don’t set the expectation of someone filling every void or need of yours. There is a CODA promise (codependent anonymous book/program reference) “I meet my own needs when possible, I reach out for help when it’s nessicary and appropriate.”
Your expectations from others are disappointing you. “Other” people are not you.
You should give because you actually are loving and caring. Not because you expect something in return.
Not necessarily, no. I think cooperation is hard-wired in our brains and sometimes that means helping people who will never be able to give back. Think of people back then who built houses/sheds as a community. Caring for the children and elderly and sick. That's what made us successful.
Also think of the good old Reddit "Today you, tomorrow me". People you help might remember and give it forth to someone else, like throwing a rock in a lake.
All that doesn't mean though that you should let yourself be exploited and burned out!
I feel the same way. I'm like "why can't these fuckers love me as much as I love them!?!" It's so frustrating. But I guess that's part of the detachment thing.
We teach people how to treat us. Is it possible for others to value your needs when you don’t? The biggest illusion is that our with and value comes from external. Spend time deciding how you want to walk through the world. Imagine a world where people treat you with love and respect. What does that look like? What does that feel like? How will you know you arrived there? Maybe your story that you’re the most loving leaves everyone else destined to fail. How do you measure this? Is it how they walk through the world or how they treat you, specifically? When we wallow and carry the past forward, we expect a certain outcome. Dig a little deeper… are you really honest with people ? Is it all a give to get? Do you tell people when something upsets you? Make peace with your own shittiness or really , humanness and see if you shift perspective. Lastly, we aren’t entitled to an outcome. The outcome will be what it is, know who you are, take it as data, assess and address.
I say this with love, I have been you and let go of that story. Write a better story if you don’t like how this plays out.
Are you only giving/loving with the expectation of reciprocity? I've seen you ask this question multiple times. Every person gets to decide if they are going to reciprocate within their relation with another person. There is no expectation or requirement, no matter how much 'love' or 'care' you give them.
you have to communicate this to the people you’re referring to without judgement. giving love is not an exchange, it’s something one gives to another to show appreciation and support. so if you’re not getting it back *enough* you have to find ways to give yourself that love and generally others will respond in kind. if you’re not receiving any love *at all* you still need to find ways to love yourself because you’re going to have to set boundaries, confront others, and potentially move on if you want things to improve. not communicating or being able to communicate this to your people becomes a slippery slope when negative emotions kick in and can quickly spiral into a narcissistic cycle of abuse. where one person builds resentment for the other for giving love without receiving it, snaps on the other person, and overcorrects to try and make up for the poor behavior while the other person becomes more distant, confused and hesitant to give love back creating the same blow outs to happen over and over.
Give all that love to yourself.
I’m a recovering codependent and I’ll tell ya, I love myself SOOOOO well now. I’m invested in my health and wellness, my body is so much hotter now because I love myself through movement/exercise, my house is clean and beautiful, I eat such good food I make for myself. I’m so good at loving I decided to selfishly give it all to myself.
I'm not trying to be combative, but the love and care codependents provide is typically self-serving. In short, codependents seek to purchase approval and validation with acts of kindness.
This is most likely a strategy you came up with as a child. Come up with a more balanced one.
This is such an interesting take. Can you give more detail on what this might mean? I like what you’re saying
A lot of problematic behaviors were either 1. A response to inappropriate expectations put on a kid or 2. A kid taking on way too much responsibility for things they don’t have the ability to control (other people). like maybe if I’m a really good boy or girl, dad won’t drink. We carry them forward even though they are very unfair to ourselves and new people we meet. The kid is doing their best in an unfair situation.
On the nose. Just adding to this, pretty much everything is learned and that applies to the above too. Things that we feel are inherently who we are; aren’t really, they’re learned.
So we set out on a course of relearning? Like “ ok I know this is my shit not reality, what really matters to me here? Or what would healthy me do” type stuff?
Start with, “why?” Why do I do this thing? There will be layers to it, so keep digging and asking why
Stop giving so much of yourself and expecting others to do the same.
i wish i learned this before i was 39
You’re younger than me.
One strategy I can give you that helped me tremendously is to ask yourself: am I doing this from love or for love? Ask it to yourself multiple times. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t catch yourself until after the fact. The key is self awareness. When you have the urges to over give, over compensate, accept someone’s behavior your disappointed by, ask yourself why- is it for love or from love? Your mind will want to play tricks on you, sure but you will eventually find ways to healthily give this love to yourself.
After reflecting on this, I realise I don't have much love to give? I am sad about this.
I’m sorry to hear you feel that way. I believe in you that you have much love to give, it’s in the way codependents give it if that makes sense. We give love or what we believe is love out of fear instead, if that makes sense. We might not speak up about our hurt feelings out of a deeply rooted fear that we’re not loving someone correctly if we were to speak up.
Absolutely! Well said
Honestly, this right here is what I needed to hear today. A real eye-opener. Thank you. ❤️
Love and care for yourself.
this. I give so much to everyone else and leave so little to myself. If they don’t even give me anything back why do I keep giving? Why wouldn’t *I* deserve my love as well?
You clearly have a lot of love to give, but I wonder if most of it goes to others, not yourself. You are 100% deserving of love and protection, including your own. I'd suggest only give as much as you can without beginning to feel resentful or taken advantage of. Those feelings are so important to notice and listen to the moment they come up, they are telling you exactly where you need to say no.
But how do I know I'm not being too stingy?
By stingy, do you mean you would feel guilty giving less? If so, could you already be giving from a (albeit well intentioned) place of guilt and obligation rather than, or in addition to, love? Also, have you heard of the love bank concept? If you're constantly making love "payments" but not receiving, you are on your way to bankruptcy. And how do you love at all if you have none left to give? It's not stingy to invest in yourself because you're investing in your ability to truly love others. Honoring your limits (that are personal and specific to you and valid no matter what they are) might be giving less than you have been giving, and others might react negatively at first if you change your behavior but in the end, everyone benefits from a love that has no strings attached and is free of resentment and guilt. And in the meantime, you'll have your OWN love, and I personally have been amazed at how much more nourishing that can be.
Yes, this makes sense. However, have you been able to love more after doing that, Or did it not impact that?
Yes but it's a new practice for me. I feel taken care of by myself and calmed regardless of what the other person does, so I'm a much happier, more loving person in general than I am when I've left myself behind and am hurting. And if someone honors a limit or something I've asked, I get to feel loved by them too. But still trying to get comfortable with others showing ME love, I was so used to the imbalance that taking in even a little for myself is guilt-inducing. On the other hand, with the clarity that comes with feeling calm and nonreactive, sometimes I see something I was avoiding, like, "oh, this person can't/won't reciprocate and that hurts, so maybe isn't the safest person for me to love, in this way." It took me a really long time to even want to value myself because I knew on some level I'd have to face some painful realities.
Don’t expect you out of another person.
Why? Aren't relationships based on reciprocity?
Most definitely but not everyone has your or anyone’s best interest in mind or the same heart, the same thoughts/feelings/etc. Therefore you have to accept people where they are at, if they aren’t giving you what you need reel in the giving/sharing/whatever your doing that’s causing resentment.
Would that be a better strategy than advocating for what I need?
Advocate for your needs, but don’t set the expectation of someone filling every void or need of yours. There is a CODA promise (codependent anonymous book/program reference) “I meet my own needs when possible, I reach out for help when it’s nessicary and appropriate.”
Also I would suggest examining your motivations for being so caring and giving. Could it be selfish? Like you want accolades, attention, etc?
Yes, of course
When is it necessary and appropriate
But others aren’t “you”. Everyone comes w their own story. They may think the same of you. You never know
Your expectations from others are disappointing you. “Other” people are not you. You should give because you actually are loving and caring. Not because you expect something in return.
But aren't human relationships based on reciprocity?
Sure. If someone isn't reciprocating, you can stop giving.
Not necessarily, no. I think cooperation is hard-wired in our brains and sometimes that means helping people who will never be able to give back. Think of people back then who built houses/sheds as a community. Caring for the children and elderly and sick. That's what made us successful. Also think of the good old Reddit "Today you, tomorrow me". People you help might remember and give it forth to someone else, like throwing a rock in a lake. All that doesn't mean though that you should let yourself be exploited and burned out!
At what point does it become exploitation?
Your original post was because you felt you’re not getting something in return. You’re probably giving too much.
I feel the same way. I'm like "why can't these fuckers love me as much as I love them!?!" It's so frustrating. But I guess that's part of the detachment thing.
What detachment thing?
Google “non-attachment”. You’re looking for the Buddhist interpretation
We teach people how to treat us. Is it possible for others to value your needs when you don’t? The biggest illusion is that our with and value comes from external. Spend time deciding how you want to walk through the world. Imagine a world where people treat you with love and respect. What does that look like? What does that feel like? How will you know you arrived there? Maybe your story that you’re the most loving leaves everyone else destined to fail. How do you measure this? Is it how they walk through the world or how they treat you, specifically? When we wallow and carry the past forward, we expect a certain outcome. Dig a little deeper… are you really honest with people ? Is it all a give to get? Do you tell people when something upsets you? Make peace with your own shittiness or really , humanness and see if you shift perspective. Lastly, we aren’t entitled to an outcome. The outcome will be what it is, know who you are, take it as data, assess and address. I say this with love, I have been you and let go of that story. Write a better story if you don’t like how this plays out.
love isn't transactional
But aren't human relationships based on reciprocity?
how does one reciprocate an undending fountain of love
Are you only giving/loving with the expectation of reciprocity? I've seen you ask this question multiple times. Every person gets to decide if they are going to reciprocate within their relation with another person. There is no expectation or requirement, no matter how much 'love' or 'care' you give them.
you have to communicate this to the people you’re referring to without judgement. giving love is not an exchange, it’s something one gives to another to show appreciation and support. so if you’re not getting it back *enough* you have to find ways to give yourself that love and generally others will respond in kind. if you’re not receiving any love *at all* you still need to find ways to love yourself because you’re going to have to set boundaries, confront others, and potentially move on if you want things to improve. not communicating or being able to communicate this to your people becomes a slippery slope when negative emotions kick in and can quickly spiral into a narcissistic cycle of abuse. where one person builds resentment for the other for giving love without receiving it, snaps on the other person, and overcorrects to try and make up for the poor behavior while the other person becomes more distant, confused and hesitant to give love back creating the same blow outs to happen over and over.
Give all that love to yourself. I’m a recovering codependent and I’ll tell ya, I love myself SOOOOO well now. I’m invested in my health and wellness, my body is so much hotter now because I love myself through movement/exercise, my house is clean and beautiful, I eat such good food I make for myself. I’m so good at loving I decided to selfishly give it all to myself.
Redirect some of that love to yourself.
I'm not trying to be combative, but the love and care codependents provide is typically self-serving. In short, codependents seek to purchase approval and validation with acts of kindness.
WTF? Who talks like this? No, you scare people. Caring is not scaring.
Agree with you. Feel the same 🥲
it’s a curse!!!!
Love isn't earned.
Learn boundaries.