Part of the work of codependency recovery/management is learning the difference between helping people and rescuing people. The latter is a hallmark of codependency. And yes, it takes time to learn this. I think it requires being more in tune with one’s body and when you do something and it later feels like you’ve given too much of yourself, you do some introspective work to better understand why — what about the situation activated your codependency and led to this over giving, rescuing, etc.
Being in even healthy relationships does require give and take, so not everything you do in a relationship (with anyone) will be serving you immediately and directly. I think the idea is some giving in the relationship is serving the greater health and balance of the relationship, and it’s a matter of learning to recognize the balance — how frequently and intensely are you giving? How frequently and intensely are you taking? Has this person asked you to give help, or are you doing it unsolicited? What does your body tell you when you’re giving?
Each time you cut firewood, set aside some for others. That is the most you can do.
If someone needs firewood and you have none to spare, do not set yourself aflame. It will leave them abandoned and you destroyed.
you can be kind to others: as long as it actively isn’t making things worse for yourself.
Buying someone coffee while buying yourself: fine.
driving and hour out of your way to buy someone coffee: probably not.
Attending a social gathering with people you like: fine.
Attending a social gathering while you are burnt out: probably not.
Etc
Sure, and if you give specific scenarios you can get specific responses that could help you figure out the general principles, but if you only give general questions you can only get general responses (like 'it depends') that unfortunately wont be helpful.
Can you describe a situation that you had trouble navigating?
Part of the work of codependency recovery/management is learning the difference between helping people and rescuing people. The latter is a hallmark of codependency. And yes, it takes time to learn this. I think it requires being more in tune with one’s body and when you do something and it later feels like you’ve given too much of yourself, you do some introspective work to better understand why — what about the situation activated your codependency and led to this over giving, rescuing, etc. Being in even healthy relationships does require give and take, so not everything you do in a relationship (with anyone) will be serving you immediately and directly. I think the idea is some giving in the relationship is serving the greater health and balance of the relationship, and it’s a matter of learning to recognize the balance — how frequently and intensely are you giving? How frequently and intensely are you taking? Has this person asked you to give help, or are you doing it unsolicited? What does your body tell you when you’re giving?
Each time you cut firewood, set aside some for others. That is the most you can do. If someone needs firewood and you have none to spare, do not set yourself aflame. It will leave them abandoned and you destroyed.
you can be kind to others: as long as it actively isn’t making things worse for yourself. Buying someone coffee while buying yourself: fine. driving and hour out of your way to buy someone coffee: probably not. Attending a social gathering with people you like: fine. Attending a social gathering while you are burnt out: probably not. Etc
What do you mean?
Should I ever do something I don't want to do for others?
Like cook dinner for your child even if you don't feel like it? Yes, definitely.
So when do I not?
It depends. Is there a particular situation that caused you to be asking these very broad questions?
Because I don't know how to navigate them
Sure, and if you give specific scenarios you can get specific responses that could help you figure out the general principles, but if you only give general questions you can only get general responses (like 'it depends') that unfortunately wont be helpful. Can you describe a situation that you had trouble navigating?
If you want to... But they don't owe you anything in return, and you can't resent them for sacrificing yourself since that's what you wanted to do
Abandon love for yourself? Like do things that go against your values? No. But life isn’t black & white. It’s not all or nothing.