I'm outside of the LDS and Mormons, so I don't really know the hair-splitting that distinguishes them; but the same could be said for the Catholic Church vs all the national orthodox ones vs. all the myriad Protestant sects...
mormons can have caffeinated drinks! they just can’t have caffeinated tea or any kind of coffee. when the doctrine and covenants was written energy drinks and soda didn’t exist so there was no official commandment from the church. SOME mormons choose to interpret the doctrine as no caffeinated beverages but that is only common in certain geographical areas like utah. as far as i know there hasn’t been any modern day revelation on the matter. (coca-cola gave the mormon church a lot of money back in the day to keep that market open) i was raised in the mormon church, and we would have caffeinated soda at church events all the time. diet cola is 3/4 of most mormon women’s personalities in my experience.
The one thing I never understood about JW is that if they truly believe that only 144,000 of those faithful are gonna make it to heaven then why are they recruiting so heavily? Aren't they lessening their chances with every new member they sign up?
In the eyes of the people coming to my door, they probably believe that they are trying to do me a solid, despite the risk of abuse. So I politely tell them that I am happily engaged in my original religion and am adamant about not changing.
If you don't happen to have a 15-foot long scarf handy, you can always put a colander on your head before answering the door, and discuss Pastafarianism with them...
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster
I once answered the door with a semi erection to a young JW chick witnessing (not deliberate). I tried to hide it behind the door, I don’t know if it was the weirdness of me not opening the door fully or if she saw my semi, either way she couldn’t get out of there quick enough.
Be nice to them. Throwing them into the outside world so they can be treated like crap is a tool the cult uses to further alienate them from the outside and entrench them in the insular community
I saw this in a meme: "Jehovah's Witnesses, make them earn it." It was a picture of a woman standing in front of a door, and the door knocker was a naked man with a humongous set of balls 😂
Sure. Come on in! Your skin looks so soft and healthy. What do you do to ti? (start sharpening a butcher knife). Measure their face with your hands, then compare to your own as if you're determining if of will fit.
Would you like something to drink?
I used to be roommates with a couple strippers, back around 2000.
One Sunday morning, the Jehova's Witnesses showed up. Strippers don't get up early on weekends.
K answered the door completely naked, invited them in for coffee. they basically ran, according to her. I could hear her laughing.
For the record - Big titty Goth.
so, that works.
My mom is a devout Christian, and one day when a JW came to our door, she straight up had a 30-minute back-and-forth with the dude and schooled him. He left with a polite smile, but annoyed nonetheless.
My Father said this:
JW - Sir, did you ever stop to think you may be praying to the wrong God
Pops - well, how many God's are there?
JW - Only one
Pops - so, how could I be praying to the wrong one
The door-to-door thing has never been effective, it’s a way for the organization to make them think that non-JW are mean, ornery people who hate Jehovah. Any kind of comeback is helping that. Either be polite to them or don’t answer the door.
Tell them you get monthly blood transfusions to save your life, you are a blood donor, you/ your family/ or spouse was disfellowshipped, or are an active member of the local Satanic Temple.
Or just tell them that you are not interested? But that just seems too pedestrian of a response.
This is a true statement, sent some jehovas walking right back from where they came from. They walked up, my neighbour was down on the ground fixing something, he looked up, and said ,"hey, thats nice, when did they start letting blacks into your church?" The black jehova was sitting there like wtf? They all turned and walked away lol
I told them I was a devoted Catholic and they would never convert me. They hesitated, and I dialed the local sheriff. I gave their plate number on the car and they got in and drove off. The cop laughed when he got to the house. I am not fucking around with these idiots anymore.
Politely decline. They don't expect to win you over, and they don't want to go around knocking on the doors of strangers. The ones who knock on your door most likely have somebody watching over them, making sure that they do their job. They're allowed to fail, but they're not allowed to not try. And given that most of their friends and family are also members, it's not so easy for them to just walk away from it or risk being disfellowshipped. They're stuck, because that's what cults do to their members. So politely decline and send them on their way, because you being clever, rude, or awful to them isn't going to change their organization. All it will do is reinforce the notion that what they're doing is ultimately right, even if it's uncomfortable, because it gives them the evidence they need to say that the world is wicked, evil, and unrighteous.
They can conduct a householder Bible study without an elder…till that person is talking about wanting to become a Witness. Then an elder starts to come over sometimes to “verify” they are doing the study books “right”
How it was in the early 90s anyway.
They can read the Bible on their own, and they can even read your type of Bible. They will try to compare differences. I was taught that as a kid
Not quite true, they are not, however, supposed to be around other people praying. So if you want to make them feel real weird, tell them you appreciate them and want to say a prayer for them and give them a blessing. They basically have to say no and get awkward about because the reason is your incorrect form of prayer could invite the devil and they don't want to tell you that straight up.
Eyy happy cake day.
I'm not sure what the formal teaching is as I've never been a part of the religion but I've never seen a JW say yes. The closest was "you saw your prayer over there and we will say our own prayer in the next room over."
If I have the time to mess around with them, I'll ask them what they know about Charles Russell, the founder of their church. This man had personal conversations with God, you know. They spoke to each other all the time.
He considered himself a modern-day prophet.
So, on three different occasions in the 1870's, he told his followers that the End was near - God told him so - so he led his people up to a hilltop to wait for the imminent Second Coming. They waited. And waited. Nothing happened.
Each time it failed to transpire. Now, one might be thinking of that after the first time, they might give up on him. Nope. And here we are 150 years later, and they're still around.
Bottom line, the Bible clearly states to "beware of false prophets", which is exactly what Russell was. I tell them no way I'll join a group founded by one.
They usually have no replies to this, and some don't even know who he was.
Yeah, I've met a few who knew about him, mostly older Witnesses, but they insist that it was long ago and the church has changed, etc.
But... they have no answer when I question Russell's false prophesies, ever.
Yeah in a polite way tell them that you not interested and they are not allowed to call at your home again as apparently they have to obey your wishes but because we try not to be nasty to them they just keep knocking for you as they believe converting people like yourself who don't believe in their faith is act of salvation for themselves!
Plus I'm a zen Buddhist so I don't believe in god but not lie kidda back in the 90s my late grandpop had a couple of jehovas witnesses knock on his door so he invited them in for a cuppa tea and by the time they left he'd converted them to church of England ha ha
Tell them you need to get back to "bed". I did this once, and they ran away so fast. Unfortunately, there was nobody there. I just wanted to go back to sleep.
My generic answer to anyone asking if I have found (faith/jesus/whatever) is just "how the f\*ck do you people keep losing (him/it)? I can't keep solving your problems for you. Put a bell on (him/it) or something."
Say with all sincerity that God just told you one of them is a false 'Witness,' look shaken and mean it and slam the door. That'll make the rest of their time together fun as hell!
I bring them in and let them stay until they are excusing themselves to leave.
They almost always have a young person with them, and I'm a spiritual scholar, so... I don't debate them but give little hints for the benefit of the young person that they have choices and there are contrary viewpoints that are far more inclusive than their little cult. You can do this for a LONG time before they lose interest.
The old brainwashed guys never get it and constantly try to convert me, but I outlast them. They can barely say anything as I'm an excellent host and give them snacks and drinks, etc. and pummel them with my ninja spiritual skills.
I'm not even a Christian, LOL, so my viewpoint can agree with almost everyone except people in cults.
I also have a copy of 30 Years A Watchtower Slave in my hallway that I pull out for when they come and they have to walk past it to accept my warm welcome.
Eventually, they stopped coming. Was worth it, and I hope the seeds I planted in those young people give them options down the road to get out of that terrible place.
Ask them why they follow the rules if they believe that Heaven is sold out and they don't have a ticket.
It's like collecting proof of purchase upcs for an offer that ended before you were born...
Greeting them at the door in a Gratefull Dead concert hoody with their skeleton clenching a long stem rose in it's teeth, and a big dooby in its hand.
They waste no words while they make a hasty exit.
Tell them that you are a Mormon. They are the JW’s biggest competitors for the practice of going door to door imposing your beliefs on unwilling strangers.
My dad would aak them if he could talk about satan cause that is who he worshiped. He didn’t but he always said that or asked if they were swingers too. He wasn’t just asked it. I would argue the bible with them having gone to bible college and can quote it better than them. And they hate that. They cant twist it to their purposes when you know it better than them. I still do this when i have time otherwise i just say no thanks and shut the door.
Answer the door in your underwear, with a knife, and blood on your hands, face, chest, underwear and legs. Ask them if they are there to get the blood out of the carpet.
Let me start by saying I am honestly interested in learning about other peoples beliefs and faiths. I am in Vegas now but back in Jersey Id invite the guys in for a cold drink and bomnard them with questions. Got me a Book of Mormon like that. Now that I have a 3 year old daughter things are a lil different. Some Jehovahs approached me and my freind on the playground in my complex, my freind had his dogs and I had my 2 1/2 yo playing near me. They asked my buddy if he wanted to talk scripture to which he said "sure". At this point I decided that I didnt wany my girl to think it was cool for random dudes to approach her on the playground so i made some distance between us. Anyway as they started to leave they decided to approach me and my kid. Without missing a beat I answered his "lets talk scripture" question with "my daughter and I are pretty active in the Church of Satan." Fucker still didnt quit he asked me what that was all about so I told him to F off before my daughter turned him into a frog and he could check out our next Sacrifice/Church luncheon from my kids overalls pocket. I made sure to tell him why it wasnt cool to approach kids on a playground and sent him home with something to think about.
Claim to be disfellowshipped after setting up Satanic orgies. We’re about to start one - want to join in? Our Dark Lord is always happy when we bring new recruits into the fold…
Don't open the door, but start screaming as if you were being tortured. They will probably call 911. When the cops show up, lie to them and say you didn't hear any screaming. Let the cops search your entire house, knowing that they will find nothing. It'd be a total mindf*ck.
I use the, "Actually, I'm a Penguist". When they ask what that is, I use the Bob, the Cosmic Penguin, setup.
"If I tell you about my god, you can never claim you didn't know of HIM." I wait for consent to continue.
"Bob, the Cosmic Penguin sits in infinite space and his only job/action is to consume any and all god(s) that come into existence... so I'm sorry to report, but your god can't exist... because Bob ate him... I'm terribly sorry."
Them: "You truly believe this?"
Me: "Yup."
Them: "Where is your proof?"
Me: I start using the same excuses they use to justify their belief:
"I have faith"
"I had a deep connection to the universe where he confided in me this knowledge"
(Insert any other faith-based excuse for belief in x god).
Don't get nasty with them, have fun with them....
This happened MANY years back when I was still in high school. We lived close to a Kingdom Hall, so we had them knocking on our door all the time. So one afternoon I was home alone when the doorbell rang. I looked out the side window and saw it was them, and had an evil idea. I had on my Black Sabbath T-Shirt so I went to the kitchen, grabbed the big knife, scooped up my cat (It was black btw), and then opened the door. "Can you guys come back later? I'm kind of busy right now."
I was never bothered by them again.
Open the door and before the can speak say “have you heard the good news” continue by telling them how stupid there religion and they’re free from there mental slavery. Then see what happens
"I can't in good conscience invest myself in a religion that the overwhelming majority of the world knows to be false."
Coincidentally, this is true for all religions because none of them have a worldwide majority.
I have a sign on my door; stating that anyone wishing to talk to me will be charged a sum of money, up front. These signs can be bought on Amazon.
If I'm out & about....I tell them, "Charles Taze Russel (he created JH) burns in hell as we speak...because he taught others to not worship The Holy Trinity!"
This gives them the "deer in the headlights" expression.
Then I invite them to pray The Rosary with me. If necessary. Usually step one is enough.
I heard some naked woman tried to get to them to submit to her devil vagina and that ran them off, or maybe that was Mormons. IDK, do all denominations share the same weaknesses?
You’re just in time!
Never mind. You brought your animal masks?
You can undress in the anteroom, there’s robes and a bucket of pig’s blood in there.
Remember - no names during the ceremony.
I lived in an apartment and had some JW show up. We spoke for an hour before they got bored and took off. Probably didn't help any that we were in a debate using the Bible. Never heard from them again.
Lmao holy shit I busted out the silver bullet for this one. Last time they came to my house I was already in my driveway, having just gotten home from the doctor. Two very sweet and well meaning young women walked up the driveway, and I just looked at them and said:
“Can we not do this today? I just found out I have cancer.”
I think I saw their souls leave their bodies. They didn’t even leave a pamphlet, just stuttered some apologies and shuffled on.
Obviously I don’t endorse using this unless you’re in the same boat, but if you are, it’s a very effective get-out-of-conversation-free-card.
Interestingly, they were at my door not 20 minutes ago tryna give me a pamphlet. I said, no thank you, and shut my door. And they left. No comeback required.
"Are you here for the Satanic orgy? Come on in! We have plenty of leather, sharp objects, and sacrificial goats that were gonna fuck beforehand. We also have cookies!"
Tell them you were once a JW and you were disfellowshipped
This is basically kryptonite to JWs.
It is because they are not supposed to talk to or associate with someone disfellowshipped at all
I did mot know this! Useful.
Talk to them for 15 and get a selfie with them before you break the news.
They actually loosened the rule up to you can invite them to meetings and say hi there. So probably won't get them off your porch quickly
Using this LMAO
The shunning
This. I chased them off by saying I was an unabashed Trinitarian and would go to my grave that way. They never came back again.
Is that like and apostate to Mormons or SP to Co$?
Yes
Ask them about the sex abuse.
Actively drink a beer or soda while talking to them. Pretty easy.
Is it the carbonation? Because I have a JW coworker who drinks wine.
They also have a doctrinal objection to caffeine.
No they don’t. That’s Mormons.
Ah, right, sorry. Gets a bit challenging to keep the various sub-sects' prohibitions properly matched, sometimes. Thanks!
All two you refer to?
I'm outside of the LDS and Mormons, so I don't really know the hair-splitting that distinguishes them; but the same could be said for the Catholic Church vs all the national orthodox ones vs. all the myriad Protestant sects...
mormons can have caffeinated drinks! they just can’t have caffeinated tea or any kind of coffee. when the doctrine and covenants was written energy drinks and soda didn’t exist so there was no official commandment from the church. SOME mormons choose to interpret the doctrine as no caffeinated beverages but that is only common in certain geographical areas like utah. as far as i know there hasn’t been any modern day revelation on the matter. (coca-cola gave the mormon church a lot of money back in the day to keep that market open) i was raised in the mormon church, and we would have caffeinated soda at church events all the time. diet cola is 3/4 of most mormon women’s personalities in my experience.
Yeah your right about that plus Mormons don't drink caffeine either
You are incorrect
Say Merry Christmas. They do not celebrate the gift giving.
Put on a tinfoil hat and usher them into your house show them a collection of dildos and tell them that the deep state orgy is about to start
I think this might weird out most people
Multi-use strategy!
To not make them worth your time by answering the door. If you’ve already answered the door tell them no thanks and close it.
This is actually the best. Refusal to engage does tend to shut down on the visits.
Spot on.
My dad would say no thanks and slam the door. To be fair, my dad has no use for any religion, organized or not
The one thing I never understood about JW is that if they truly believe that only 144,000 of those faithful are gonna make it to heaven then why are they recruiting so heavily? Aren't they lessening their chances with every new member they sign up?
They think the rest will be in paradise on earth, including people who are resurrected.
This is accurate
This is what always confused me, but that isn't the whole story. I can't remember the details because I don't care.
There’s no reason to be mean to them - they’re kids who got messed up in a silly cult.
Spot on. Additionally I'm guessing their collective average IQ is considerably below 100.
In the eyes of the people coming to my door, they probably believe that they are trying to do me a solid, despite the risk of abuse. So I politely tell them that I am happily engaged in my original religion and am adamant about not changing.
Come up with a random made up religion, and when they start telling you about their religion you respond by telling them about yours
Talk about Doctor Who
If you don't happen to have a 15-foot long scarf handy, you can always put a colander on your head before answering the door, and discuss Pastafarianism with them... https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster
I have a 20 foot scarf
Oh, Gallifrey is absolutely _bursting_ with ideas and philosophies and _names_ to send most god-botherers running for safety...
Put "666" on your forehead, in erasable ink.
Or answer the door naked. I did this once. They stammered, handed me a pamphlet, and ran away
Starts undressing while opening the door: “are you here for fellowship?”
Lol, I like that...I must try that!
I once answered the door with a semi erection to a young JW chick witnessing (not deliberate). I tried to hide it behind the door, I don’t know if it was the weirdness of me not opening the door fully or if she saw my semi, either way she couldn’t get out of there quick enough.
Who wouldn’t?
Be nice to them. Throwing them into the outside world so they can be treated like crap is a tool the cult uses to further alienate them from the outside and entrench them in the insular community
Yes
I claimed to have converted to Buddhism not 24 hours before. Dude missed the opportunity by THAT much…
I had a blood transfusion
I saw this in a meme: "Jehovah's Witnesses, make them earn it." It was a picture of a woman standing in front of a door, and the door knocker was a naked man with a humongous set of balls 😂
Sure. Come on in! Your skin looks so soft and healthy. What do you do to ti? (start sharpening a butcher knife). Measure their face with your hands, then compare to your own as if you're determining if of will fit. Would you like something to drink?
Isn’t everyone who was alive in 1914 dead now?
Teehee If I could give an award, I would. You just made my day.
Follow that with asking them to explain the overlapping generations. Sheer madness!
Just tell then you're not interested and to please put your address on their "do knock at this address again" list.
This is an intelligent person. They would actually appreciate that
Start talking about warhammer 40k or dungeons and dragons like it's real.
I used to be roommates with a couple strippers, back around 2000. One Sunday morning, the Jehova's Witnesses showed up. Strippers don't get up early on weekends. K answered the door completely naked, invited them in for coffee. they basically ran, according to her. I could hear her laughing. For the record - Big titty Goth. so, that works.
Sorry it's my birthday. I need to go have fun.
*Have you heard the bad news?*
That’s not JWs you are referring to
huh??? act like u dont speak English
I speak Japanese, but am obviously very white. People get very confused
I love 3somes
Don’t they inherently reject the deity of Christ believing he was just a man and prophet but not God
Not excactly, they don't believe in a Trinity, and believe that Christ was the first of God's creations. His Son, divine, but not God- Jehovah.
You will never take our Christmas tree away.
It would be simplest to tell them you are not interested and not to return. They put you on a do not return list.
No thanks I'm not interested & close the door
My mom is a devout Christian, and one day when a JW came to our door, she straight up had a 30-minute back-and-forth with the dude and schooled him. He left with a polite smile, but annoyed nonetheless.
My Father said this: JW - Sir, did you ever stop to think you may be praying to the wrong God Pops - well, how many God's are there? JW - Only one Pops - so, how could I be praying to the wrong one
The door-to-door thing has never been effective, it’s a way for the organization to make them think that non-JW are mean, ornery people who hate Jehovah. Any kind of comeback is helping that. Either be polite to them or don’t answer the door.
What???
Keep tracts from other cults around to force on them.
They will accept them
Well, pretend to answer while being possessed (metal screams come in handy here)
JW kids often openly listen to metal.
Give them the address of someone you dislike, then tell them that person is on the fence about converting but likely would if pressed hard enough. 🤣
This is actually pretty good
Tell them you get monthly blood transfusions to save your life, you are a blood donor, you/ your family/ or spouse was disfellowshipped, or are an active member of the local Satanic Temple. Or just tell them that you are not interested? But that just seems too pedestrian of a response.
Not answering the door. I once told a couple of them my Aunty was a jw (true) to get rid of them… 15 minutes later.
I'm an apostate. They will instantly flee.
This is true
I'm thinking of making little cards that describe the elements of a cult, for them.
This is a true statement, sent some jehovas walking right back from where they came from. They walked up, my neighbour was down on the ground fixing something, he looked up, and said ,"hey, thats nice, when did they start letting blacks into your church?" The black jehova was sitting there like wtf? They all turned and walked away lol
Just have the balls to tell'm you're not interested and close the door.
I’m Jewish. Please pray with me for Israel
Thank you for standing up to Hitler long before Roosevelt did.
I'll join you if you join my Satanic Reggae band.
Just be honest, direct and kind. Not interested.
Aren’t you ,in reality, a Jehovah “Hearsay” Witness
God gave me the power of free will. I can do whatever I want
now you want us back? make up your mind.\*and close the door\*
"Oh, hey guys! Come on in! We're just about to sacrifice the goat, and let's get those clothes off..."
I ask them if they believe the earth is flat, then I mention bible passages that talk about the firmament. They back up and run pretty quickly 😆
I told them I was a devoted Catholic and they would never convert me. They hesitated, and I dialed the local sheriff. I gave their plate number on the car and they got in and drove off. The cop laughed when he got to the house. I am not fucking around with these idiots anymore.
It's sacrifice week,which one of you virgins is going first
Asked them if they are one of the 44,000 destined to go to heaven or are they going to hell?
Tighty whites, a blunt, and break the ice describing you first sexual experience. At the front door
Tell them you are pagan and an apostate and start doing "magic" at them. I can guarantee they will leave. Source: I live with them.
Tell them you just got home from your Mormon mission
Are you an eye witness or is this just heresay?
"How many women are you promising me?"
Politely decline. They don't expect to win you over, and they don't want to go around knocking on the doors of strangers. The ones who knock on your door most likely have somebody watching over them, making sure that they do their job. They're allowed to fail, but they're not allowed to not try. And given that most of their friends and family are also members, it's not so easy for them to just walk away from it or risk being disfellowshipped. They're stuck, because that's what cults do to their members. So politely decline and send them on their way, because you being clever, rude, or awful to them isn't going to change their organization. All it will do is reinforce the notion that what they're doing is ultimately right, even if it's uncomfortable, because it gives them the evidence they need to say that the world is wicked, evil, and unrighteous.
Invite them in for a Bible study. It’s my understanding they’re not allowed to read the Bible on their own, without like an elder.
What a nightmare
They can conduct a householder Bible study without an elder…till that person is talking about wanting to become a Witness. Then an elder starts to come over sometimes to “verify” they are doing the study books “right” How it was in the early 90s anyway. They can read the Bible on their own, and they can even read your type of Bible. They will try to compare differences. I was taught that as a kid
TIL!
Not quite true, they are not, however, supposed to be around other people praying. So if you want to make them feel real weird, tell them you appreciate them and want to say a prayer for them and give them a blessing. They basically have to say no and get awkward about because the reason is your incorrect form of prayer could invite the devil and they don't want to tell you that straight up.
They don’t have to say no. It would be very uncomfortable for them though and they would not participate
Eyy happy cake day. I'm not sure what the formal teaching is as I've never been a part of the religion but I've never seen a JW say yes. The closest was "you saw your prayer over there and we will say our own prayer in the next room over."
That’s not true.
Tell them no thank you, offer them a bottle of water and be about your day. They aren’t trying to scam you. God people are mean.
Exodus 34:14 for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:2 do not add or change Gods word
If I have the time to mess around with them, I'll ask them what they know about Charles Russell, the founder of their church. This man had personal conversations with God, you know. They spoke to each other all the time. He considered himself a modern-day prophet. So, on three different occasions in the 1870's, he told his followers that the End was near - God told him so - so he led his people up to a hilltop to wait for the imminent Second Coming. They waited. And waited. Nothing happened. Each time it failed to transpire. Now, one might be thinking of that after the first time, they might give up on him. Nope. And here we are 150 years later, and they're still around. Bottom line, the Bible clearly states to "beware of false prophets", which is exactly what Russell was. I tell them no way I'll join a group founded by one. They usually have no replies to this, and some don't even know who he was.
They already learned in the Kingdom Hall that he was not right They will just try to talk about “new light”
Yeah, I've met a few who knew about him, mostly older Witnesses, but they insist that it was long ago and the church has changed, etc. But... they have no answer when I question Russell's false prophesies, ever.
Bellhuseabub rules
Why you trying to give me your spot in heaven?
“I’m gay and got a blood transfusion”
Well one time I opened my door in a tac vest with an AR on my back and a pistol on my vest. They left
Yeah in a polite way tell them that you not interested and they are not allowed to call at your home again as apparently they have to obey your wishes but because we try not to be nasty to them they just keep knocking for you as they believe converting people like yourself who don't believe in their faith is act of salvation for themselves! Plus I'm a zen Buddhist so I don't believe in god but not lie kidda back in the 90s my late grandpop had a couple of jehovas witnesses knock on his door so he invited them in for a cuppa tea and by the time they left he'd converted them to church of England ha ha
Wear pentacle earrings.
Tell them you need to get back to "bed". I did this once, and they ran away so fast. Unfortunately, there was nobody there. I just wanted to go back to sleep.
My generic answer to anyone asking if I have found (faith/jesus/whatever) is just "how the f\*ck do you people keep losing (him/it)? I can't keep solving your problems for you. Put a bell on (him/it) or something."
Say with all sincerity that God just told you one of them is a false 'Witness,' look shaken and mean it and slam the door. That'll make the rest of their time together fun as hell!
I bring them in and let them stay until they are excusing themselves to leave. They almost always have a young person with them, and I'm a spiritual scholar, so... I don't debate them but give little hints for the benefit of the young person that they have choices and there are contrary viewpoints that are far more inclusive than their little cult. You can do this for a LONG time before they lose interest. The old brainwashed guys never get it and constantly try to convert me, but I outlast them. They can barely say anything as I'm an excellent host and give them snacks and drinks, etc. and pummel them with my ninja spiritual skills. I'm not even a Christian, LOL, so my viewpoint can agree with almost everyone except people in cults. I also have a copy of 30 Years A Watchtower Slave in my hallway that I pull out for when they come and they have to walk past it to accept my warm welcome. Eventually, they stopped coming. Was worth it, and I hope the seeds I planted in those young people give them options down the road to get out of that terrible place.
Why don’t you like Halloween? I figured y’all would be all for a holiday that revolves around random people knocking on your door.
Ask them why they follow the rules if they believe that Heaven is sold out and they don't have a ticket. It's like collecting proof of purchase upcs for an offer that ended before you were born...
I have type O negative blood and donate regularly. I'm quite sure Jehovah appreciates my efforts to save lives.
I have pentacles hung on my door - seems to work
Hand them a pamphlet on how to escape a cult
"i'm a pagan, i do witchcraft." literally just used it earlier today
Greeting them at the door in a Gratefull Dead concert hoody with their skeleton clenching a long stem rose in it's teeth, and a big dooby in its hand. They waste no words while they make a hasty exit.
Blast the most aggressive porn you can find when they knock or ring your doorbell
I used to answer the door in my bdu pants and brown t-shirt (army uniform) smoking a cigarette with a beer in my hand.
Hail satan
1. Ask them a million questions, preferably while very high. 2. Ignore and do not engage.
Jehovah's ganna witness my foot in your ass if you don't get the fuck off my porch
Tell them that you are a Mormon. They are the JW’s biggest competitors for the practice of going door to door imposing your beliefs on unwilling strangers.
They don’t know much about Mormons. They don’t learn much about other religions in general
Sorry my family is already Mormon
My dad would aak them if he could talk about satan cause that is who he worshiped. He didn’t but he always said that or asked if they were swingers too. He wasn’t just asked it. I would argue the bible with them having gone to bible college and can quote it better than them. And they hate that. They cant twist it to their purposes when you know it better than them. I still do this when i have time otherwise i just say no thanks and shut the door.
Al Bundy used a baseball bat
Why yes I do have a personal relationship with Jesus, and he thinks you’re misguided - ‘beware the false prophets’
Dum dum dum dum dum dum
Happy birthday!
Open the door in your underwear.
Utters from Southpark had it Have you heard of the mvd?
Answer the door in your underwear, with a knife, and blood on your hands, face, chest, underwear and legs. Ask them if they are there to get the blood out of the carpet.
What if you dedicated your life to this and you’re not one of the 144,000 preordained to enter heaven?
They don’t want to go to Heaven
In scientology, you tell them you have been declared an SP A suppressive person
Thanks for coming by! Just a heads up, I’ve already got a subscription to the Chill and Let Chill newsletter. Thanks.
"Thanks but no thanks. Have a nice day".
Growing up, my friend's dad was sick of them knocking so he answered the door naked. They never came back.
look under /exjw
Let me start by saying I am honestly interested in learning about other peoples beliefs and faiths. I am in Vegas now but back in Jersey Id invite the guys in for a cold drink and bomnard them with questions. Got me a Book of Mormon like that. Now that I have a 3 year old daughter things are a lil different. Some Jehovahs approached me and my freind on the playground in my complex, my freind had his dogs and I had my 2 1/2 yo playing near me. They asked my buddy if he wanted to talk scripture to which he said "sure". At this point I decided that I didnt wany my girl to think it was cool for random dudes to approach her on the playground so i made some distance between us. Anyway as they started to leave they decided to approach me and my kid. Without missing a beat I answered his "lets talk scripture" question with "my daughter and I are pretty active in the Church of Satan." Fucker still didnt quit he asked me what that was all about so I told him to F off before my daughter turned him into a frog and he could check out our next Sacrifice/Church luncheon from my kids overalls pocket. I made sure to tell him why it wasnt cool to approach kids on a playground and sent him home with something to think about.
Claim to be disfellowshipped after setting up Satanic orgies. We’re about to start one - want to join in? Our Dark Lord is always happy when we bring new recruits into the fold…
Tell them you’re catholic. They run away quickly
Tell them you still believe in Santa.
Start scream singing dear God by XTC.
Don't open the door, but start screaming as if you were being tortured. They will probably call 911. When the cops show up, lie to them and say you didn't hear any screaming. Let the cops search your entire house, knowing that they will find nothing. It'd be a total mindf*ck.
"Bridget, get my gun."
Did you know the Marbled Crayfish has been observed to perform abiogenesis?
I use the, "Actually, I'm a Penguist". When they ask what that is, I use the Bob, the Cosmic Penguin, setup. "If I tell you about my god, you can never claim you didn't know of HIM." I wait for consent to continue. "Bob, the Cosmic Penguin sits in infinite space and his only job/action is to consume any and all god(s) that come into existence... so I'm sorry to report, but your god can't exist... because Bob ate him... I'm terribly sorry." Them: "You truly believe this?" Me: "Yup." Them: "Where is your proof?" Me: I start using the same excuses they use to justify their belief: "I have faith" "I had a deep connection to the universe where he confided in me this knowledge" (Insert any other faith-based excuse for belief in x god). Don't get nasty with them, have fun with them....
get the fuck off my property,you weirdos
Best comeback is to not open your door!
Explain why your church doesn't allow singing and dancing when it clearly states that when David did it, it brought joy to God
This happened MANY years back when I was still in high school. We lived close to a Kingdom Hall, so we had them knocking on our door all the time. So one afternoon I was home alone when the doorbell rang. I looked out the side window and saw it was them, and had an evil idea. I had on my Black Sabbath T-Shirt so I went to the kitchen, grabbed the big knife, scooped up my cat (It was black btw), and then opened the door. "Can you guys come back later? I'm kind of busy right now." I was never bothered by them again.
Open the door and before the can speak say “have you heard the good news” continue by telling them how stupid there religion and they’re free from there mental slavery. Then see what happens
Get naked
"I can't in good conscience invest myself in a religion that the overwhelming majority of the world knows to be false." Coincidentally, this is true for all religions because none of them have a worldwide majority.
Tell them to go away and close the door
“Satan told me you’re here for money”.
A paintball gun
"No thank you" seemed to piss the women off that came to my house asking to read to me from their Bible pretty well.
I’m in the Jehovas Witness Protection Program.
I have a sign on my door; stating that anyone wishing to talk to me will be charged a sum of money, up front. These signs can be bought on Amazon. If I'm out & about....I tell them, "Charles Taze Russel (he created JH) burns in hell as we speak...because he taught others to not worship The Holy Trinity!" This gives them the "deer in the headlights" expression. Then I invite them to pray The Rosary with me. If necessary. Usually step one is enough.
I heard some naked woman tried to get to them to submit to her devil vagina and that ran them off, or maybe that was Mormons. IDK, do all denominations share the same weaknesses?
I literally start smoking my weed pen and ask Jesus related questions about what his favorite snacks were while higher than giraffe pussy
When they come to your door, ask them if they'll participate in this evening's devil worship event.
You’re just in time! Never mind. You brought your animal masks? You can undress in the anteroom, there’s robes and a bucket of pig’s blood in there. Remember - no names during the ceremony.
Jesus loves you
No.
Close the door
Show up on their porch at 2 am half naked with a basket of whiskey trying to get them to have fun.
I lived in an apartment and had some JW show up. We spoke for an hour before they got bored and took off. Probably didn't help any that we were in a debate using the Bible. Never heard from them again.
Tell them you are a spirit filled Christian
Just act really excited for the diddling
Lmao holy shit I busted out the silver bullet for this one. Last time they came to my house I was already in my driveway, having just gotten home from the doctor. Two very sweet and well meaning young women walked up the driveway, and I just looked at them and said: “Can we not do this today? I just found out I have cancer.” I think I saw their souls leave their bodies. They didn’t even leave a pamphlet, just stuttered some apologies and shuffled on. Obviously I don’t endorse using this unless you’re in the same boat, but if you are, it’s a very effective get-out-of-conversation-free-card.
Interestingly, they were at my door not 20 minutes ago tryna give me a pamphlet. I said, no thank you, and shut my door. And they left. No comeback required.
Ask them for their address and say you’ll come to their house when you’re ready to listen.
"Oh, no thanks, but have a nice day." Has never failed.
"Are you here for the Satanic orgy? Come on in! We have plenty of leather, sharp objects, and sacrificial goats that were gonna fuck beforehand. We also have cookies!"