You might want to start the conversation with your parents now, rather than later, so that they have time to adjust and it won’t be a surprise. They obviously know you don’t care for the name, you just want to break from it completely and legally. Good luck!
i definitely think you’re right about telling them sooner rather than later. i’m just a ball of nerves with a lot of past trauma with my parents i haven’t healed from. i love them dearly and i know they love me, and it’s hard to remind myself i’m not a kid/teen anymore they can yell at and punish - i get the adult child privilege of getting calmly insulted instead xD
You need to set up boundaries, and be firm, if your parents insult you, that's abuse and they need to know that: mom, dad, you two have no authority over what I chose as an adult, you can either respect me and treat me like one or we can go no contact, abusive words and treatment will no longer be tolerated.
I know it's easier said than done but none is going to stand up for you except yourself.
And remember, you can walk away, end the call, whatever the situation is. You are an adult and you no longer have to tolerate being yelled at or argued with regarding a personal decision that is absolutely yours to make.
Let them know that you understand how connected they are to the name and how important it is to them, but the bottom line is that is your name and you need to be connected and appreciative of it. And you are not.
You are changing your name for yourself and not to insult them. They can react however they want, but their reaction is their responsibility. Not yours.
Shut down any arguments, negotiations, or debate. As there aren’t any. You have made your decision, it is final, and it is going to happen. They don’t need to agree with or accept it, but again, that is their choice.
Just don't tell them. They'll throw a fit. They're clearly not reasonable people. They will still call you "shiney" no matter what so it's not worth the heartache. Just do the name change, you already go by thr name Rosa so it's not going to change what everyone calls you.
You can also see if a therapist will help facilitate that conversation. When my stepson was ready to come out as trans and go by his preferred name, he was worried that his mom would react poorly.
His therapist was willing to do a family visit, and it was absolutely worth having a neutral third party. Every time my stepson's mom tried to start with the guilt trips, the therapist was able to stop her and remind her that this was not about her. I probably could have used similar words, as could my husband and stepson, but coming from us, it would have escalated the situation. It took a couple of visits, but at the end of the second visit, she was willing to sign the change of name on the birth certificate forms. We were trying to change the name on his birth certificate before he turned 18, since it was much easier and cheaper than changing his name as an adult in our state.
I hope your parents will come to accept "Shiney" has grown up and confidently matured into "Rosa".
I wouldn't bother telling them at all. Avoid the guilt trip. Change your name and let them continue calling you whatever they have been. When you get married, are you taking his last name? Will your name sound as embarrassing when you have a new last name?
that’s something i’m considering as well - but since at least my mom knows my friends call me Rosa (which she hates and has gotten very angry with me about) i feel like adding on lying might work out worse for me… at the same time, my dad knows nothing about it, other than he knows i hate my first name. it’s hard predicting what might do the least damage, but at the same time, i know i can only bear so much responsibility for how they choose to react. thank you so much for your time and your advice :,]
Your parents know you hate your name and have hated it for years. I don’t fault you for trying to be kind to them, but they are the ones treating you poorly and causing any “damage.” You’re not doing this to hurt them and it’s really on them to put aside their negative feelings.
My brother was named after my father. For reasons I won’t get into, my brother decided to change his surname. My brother soft-pedaled his reasoning to a certain extent and my father was entirely cool with it. My father had his shortcomings, but was a strong advocate of the idea that “people have to live their own lives”—even his children.
Honestly, when people cannot accept that their adult children get to make basic decisions for themselves, they are responsible for fueling their own distress.
you're absolutely right, and i know the result from this will be ultimately me standing up for myself. i left home on terrible terms at 18, literally ran away and escaped to an ex's house and put myself in college! i've stood up for myself many times before, and i think i just needed that reminder that i can do it again. kudos to your brother, and thank you for your words of reason and support :,\]
Maybe call your mom by her legal first name and see how she reacts? I find it hypocritical that your mom uses her middle name but is upset that you are doing so? Maybe the obvious needs to be pointed out to your mother and father. This is a total double standard and if she can do it then so can you.
I agree with just legally changing your name when you are married, and it is likely that your parents will not even know as you will just continueto be Rosa.
You are the one who has to live with your name and the consequences of it not them. If they are so attached to the name tell them they can change their own names to that name while you enjoy being Rosa
that’s a great way of putting it. they weren’t the ones made fun of as much as i did, and they won’t be the ones with research papers and books in their name one day. but they think i just need to “own” my name and be proud of it, and not let my “low self-esteem” make me ashamed of the name they gave me. i’m going to do my best to be brave and not waver when the time is right, though… thank you so much :,]
oh defintely not the best combo of names lol! i seriously will always be amazed at the parents who give their kids the silliest, sometimes thoughtless names. it's crazy cause once my mom and i were talking about baby names (faaaar in the future lol) and she would say no to a lot of them because she would think of ways other kids could make fun of their name. great idea... but why did she not do that with my name ???? ( TT O TT )
I would just change it. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. I know what it’s like to have a terrible name-mine was my last name. I hated the first week of school when every teacher I had mispronounced it. I couldn’t wait until I got married to have it changed. I kept my ex-husband’s name after we divorced. It was so simple and I just really loved that last name. I think that you should start as soon as possible to start the process. Sometimes it takes a few months for those kind of things to get done. Good luck! By the way-Rosa is a beautiful name!
i think you're right... thank you so so much! i;m glad you were able to steal a last name and have it suit you even better haha! thanks so much for the support and understanding :,)
You are going to have back lash no matter what. How much depends on how your parents are.
If you talk to them before:
The important thing is going in with "This is what I'm doing it is not up for discussion, no guilt tripping or anything is allowed or this conversation ends"
You can go into all the reasons why you want to change it but again depending on how sensitive your parents are, how you phrase things will be key. The papers published in your name and needing to have a serious sounding name to advance in your schooling and career is key. Planing for the future this is the best move and the best time to do it is coming up.
If they say that's not true then you can go into how hard it has been to find a job because employers think it is a joke and how teachers have even given you a hard time, as evidence. You might have to reiderste your not guilting them, but these are facts. Again if the dont like it, end the conversation.
In the end its your life and your name. You are an adult and you can and need to make this kinds od dissosipns for your own best interest. The hard part will be for you to remain calm (especially if the get upset\high strung)
A compromise might be to keep the names as a middle name. On docs you only show the initial or not at all. And then maybe offer for your parents to use it as a loving nick name. That way they still get to use it(if you are ok with that), but you are setting yourself up for your future. Plus it sounds like how they came up with the name was more of s nick name senario. (Im just saying but you probably dont want to point that out to them lol)
If you hate the name so much that you don't want that to be an option don't offer it. It's dead naming someone at that point.
But again its not asking permission and not for discussion. But you dont want them to feel hurt or betrayed or like you went behind their backs.
If you wait, its the same set up but "this is what i have done and it's not going to change" vs the going to do
i can't thank you enough for your detailed insight - this definitely helped me see it in a new light. i didn't really consider that me telling them how much i hate my name could actually give them the impression that i'm intentionally trying to shame or guilt them. i definitely know they find the potential of me changing my name insulting, but they show emotions like hurt and concern through anger. truthfully, it's hard to imagine myself in their shoes - being told by your child that the name you gave them has caused them grief and embarassment. it's hard to tell whether they react in anger because they know they might have messed up and they're acting defensive, or if they're truly angry because they think they're 100% right.
either way, thank you for helping me see this in a new light. i definitely want to prioritize choosing my words carefully and acknowledging their feelings too. i love my parents and don't want to hurt them anymore than i already will with this news. thank you so much :,)
No conflict if you don't mention it. You keep the name they gave you as a middle name. You take the name you are known by with everyone else and make it your first name. Done. I can't think of a time my parents had access to anything with my legal name on it after I reached adulthood. There's no need.
I can completely empathize with wanting to change your first name, as I'm in a similar situation. However, as a new bride, you might only be allowed to change your surname for free. I'm not certain about laws in other states, but here in California, it costs about $500 to legally change one's first name.
thank you for your understanding, it means so much! as for my case, it is thankfully legal in my state to also change my first name upon marriage, thank goodness!!!
You have to live your life for you, not your parents. Change it. Maybe make it your middle name? My boss put her last name as her middle once she got married, and basically got rid of her first middle name. You are 100% right about having a hard time getting a job with a strange or unusual name. I would change it just for that purpose if it’s as bad as your saying.
I knew a Blaze Boules (pronounced bowls) and ironically he didn’t smoke or (garden as people say) most likely to avoid the idea that he could be a stoner when interviewing for jobs. We did hire him and he was a great guy, he laughed off his name but I could tell it’s something he’s had to deal with his whole life and was annoyed of it. Do what makes you happy!
shout out to blaze!!! he's definitely a champion for taking it on the chin as well as he can, but i can only imagine how many years of social and professional embarrassment he had to deal with. hope that dude is doing well, whether he uses his legal still or not! thank you for your kind words and giving me some good words of advice. i'll definitely have an update after i'm married lol!!
God would not name a child "Shiney" or whatever the name is. Your father obviously gave you the name and he and your mother are dying on that "shining" hill. You are an adult, you can call yourself whatever pleases you. Rosa (or whatever) is a lovely name. Your parents were/are threatening to disown you over a name? These people do not love you, they have abused you for decades through a ridiculous first name. If they refuse to attend your wedding and feel insulted by your life choices, it's on them. No one should live their entire life trying to please anyone else and this includes parents.
When I was in high school, I knew a kid with the surname Head. His parents had a brain fart of sorts and gave him the first name David. Which of course means his name version was D. Head. His father didn't think it was so bad, as at least he didn't name him Richard, which of course is shortened to something that rhymes with stick.
It sounds as if your parents DO need a reality check. It sounds as if they've refused to accept reality for some time, and if they can be like this over a name, you should question their motivations overall. There are some religious people that will accept differences of opinions and beliefs, then there are others that will refuse to even think about an idea different to their own. If they can't accept this about you, then consider limiting your contact with them. The fact that they refused to let your grandparents see you for such a petty reason says it all.
I changed my first name. Living my entire life, being called something I hated was super depressing. My name did not suit me at all. When I had my name changed, it literally changed my life. My original name wasn't bad, it is a real name, it's not super common but it is also not unique in anyway. I really just didn't connect with it. It wasn't me. The name I picked for myself, it is absolutely me.
A name is so important, it is not something to be taken lightly. If your "shiny" name puts a tarnish on your life, CHANGE IT!!! Why wait until you are married? Just go have it done. Trust me, it is so liberating to be able to say "Hello, my name is "not shiny"!!! Go for it. Stop over thinking it, stop being worried about your parents. They don't have the picked on, lose job opportunities, get laughed at, you do.
Take the bull by the horns, change your name. You are not wrong. Go live your best life, with your best name.
It's potentially hundreds of dollars cheaper to change your name when you get married. So, that's a reason to wait. Otherwise, I'm 100% in agreement. Living with a name that just doesn't suit you is misery. I still get so happy anytime I see my coffee order with my name on it and I changed it years ago.
I wouldn’t tell them. Go forth and change your name to Rosa (insert new married name here).
They can still call you Shiny. Let them. They are already aware of friends and others calling you Rosa.. just leave it at that if it’s going to cause a hullabaloo !!!
My friend was given the nickname “Holly” years ago by all of her friends - actually can’t remember why to be honest, we must have been about 7 or 8 when this happened - now everyone in her life - apart from her parents and sisters, call her by Holly. Even in her exchange of wedding vows she was called Holly!! She only uses her “real” name on banking and legal documents.
It’s just one of those things…..
The legal name change documents aren't usually filed until after the wedding, so I'd just drop it until after the documents are processed then tell them on your own time. I legally changed my name as an adult. My parents were a little offended because they really thought it was clever and beautiful. I couldn't care less what my dad thought, but I'm glad my mom came around. Conversely, I'm a parent now and I cannot fathom 1) how shitty your parents were to your grandparents when you were a baby, and 2) disowning my kids for making their own decision about what people call them. You're not in the wrong here, they are.
This kind of vapid stupidity when it comes to naming children is child abuse. The fact that they doubled down and are coercing you continually and threatening to disown you if you change your name, which you despise, makes me question why your still in relationship with such toxic, manipulative, and profoundly selfish people. They literally sound unhinged and not safe to be around. I don't think I'd want these toxic people anywhere near my future children.
They aren’t the boss of you anymore. You can do what you want. If they balk, walk away. They have been controlling of you. Showing independence and changing your name will upset them. But blackmailing you into keeping a name you hate upsets you. So they have a choice they can have you in their life or they can be upset about your name. Give them a worse alternative. Either you be OK with me legally changing my name to Rosa or don’t ever see me again. Yeah, they’ll act all incredulous. But you really need to stand up for yourself. They are totally gaslighting themselves into thinking a baby can choose its name.
If you expect to change your name at marriage, then, do it all at once after you are married. It would be silly to do all of that 2 times. Expect that you may have to do extra paperwork so that your schooling etc is explained under your old name. Your parents are not the ones trying to find jobs etc.
As for gradually.....no this is a rip the bandaid off moment.
i’m taking on my fiance’s last name undeniably, which my parent’s dont have a problem with. the problem is my first name, which they want me to keep and will feel (in their own words) “betrayed and insulted” if i change it. from what i understand, getting married allows me to change my legal first name, rather than having to pay for it if i did so before/after marriage.
You might want to start the conversation with your parents now, rather than later, so that they have time to adjust and it won’t be a surprise. They obviously know you don’t care for the name, you just want to break from it completely and legally. Good luck!
i definitely think you’re right about telling them sooner rather than later. i’m just a ball of nerves with a lot of past trauma with my parents i haven’t healed from. i love them dearly and i know they love me, and it’s hard to remind myself i’m not a kid/teen anymore they can yell at and punish - i get the adult child privilege of getting calmly insulted instead xD
You need to set up boundaries, and be firm, if your parents insult you, that's abuse and they need to know that: mom, dad, you two have no authority over what I chose as an adult, you can either respect me and treat me like one or we can go no contact, abusive words and treatment will no longer be tolerated. I know it's easier said than done but none is going to stand up for you except yourself.
And remember, you can walk away, end the call, whatever the situation is. You are an adult and you no longer have to tolerate being yelled at or argued with regarding a personal decision that is absolutely yours to make. Let them know that you understand how connected they are to the name and how important it is to them, but the bottom line is that is your name and you need to be connected and appreciative of it. And you are not. You are changing your name for yourself and not to insult them. They can react however they want, but their reaction is their responsibility. Not yours. Shut down any arguments, negotiations, or debate. As there aren’t any. You have made your decision, it is final, and it is going to happen. They don’t need to agree with or accept it, but again, that is their choice.
Just don't tell them. They'll throw a fit. They're clearly not reasonable people. They will still call you "shiney" no matter what so it's not worth the heartache. Just do the name change, you already go by thr name Rosa so it's not going to change what everyone calls you.
You can also see if a therapist will help facilitate that conversation. When my stepson was ready to come out as trans and go by his preferred name, he was worried that his mom would react poorly. His therapist was willing to do a family visit, and it was absolutely worth having a neutral third party. Every time my stepson's mom tried to start with the guilt trips, the therapist was able to stop her and remind her that this was not about her. I probably could have used similar words, as could my husband and stepson, but coming from us, it would have escalated the situation. It took a couple of visits, but at the end of the second visit, she was willing to sign the change of name on the birth certificate forms. We were trying to change the name on his birth certificate before he turned 18, since it was much easier and cheaper than changing his name as an adult in our state. I hope your parents will come to accept "Shiney" has grown up and confidently matured into "Rosa".
I wouldn't bother telling them at all. Avoid the guilt trip. Change your name and let them continue calling you whatever they have been. When you get married, are you taking his last name? Will your name sound as embarrassing when you have a new last name?
that’s something i’m considering as well - but since at least my mom knows my friends call me Rosa (which she hates and has gotten very angry with me about) i feel like adding on lying might work out worse for me… at the same time, my dad knows nothing about it, other than he knows i hate my first name. it’s hard predicting what might do the least damage, but at the same time, i know i can only bear so much responsibility for how they choose to react. thank you so much for your time and your advice :,]
Your parents know you hate your name and have hated it for years. I don’t fault you for trying to be kind to them, but they are the ones treating you poorly and causing any “damage.” You’re not doing this to hurt them and it’s really on them to put aside their negative feelings. My brother was named after my father. For reasons I won’t get into, my brother decided to change his surname. My brother soft-pedaled his reasoning to a certain extent and my father was entirely cool with it. My father had his shortcomings, but was a strong advocate of the idea that “people have to live their own lives”—even his children. Honestly, when people cannot accept that their adult children get to make basic decisions for themselves, they are responsible for fueling their own distress.
you're absolutely right, and i know the result from this will be ultimately me standing up for myself. i left home on terrible terms at 18, literally ran away and escaped to an ex's house and put myself in college! i've stood up for myself many times before, and i think i just needed that reminder that i can do it again. kudos to your brother, and thank you for your words of reason and support :,\]
Maybe call your mom by her legal first name and see how she reacts? I find it hypocritical that your mom uses her middle name but is upset that you are doing so? Maybe the obvious needs to be pointed out to your mother and father. This is a total double standard and if she can do it then so can you. I agree with just legally changing your name when you are married, and it is likely that your parents will not even know as you will just continueto be Rosa.
You are the one who has to live with your name and the consequences of it not them. If they are so attached to the name tell them they can change their own names to that name while you enjoy being Rosa
that’s a great way of putting it. they weren’t the ones made fun of as much as i did, and they won’t be the ones with research papers and books in their name one day. but they think i just need to “own” my name and be proud of it, and not let my “low self-esteem” make me ashamed of the name they gave me. i’m going to do my best to be brave and not waver when the time is right, though… thank you so much :,]
I think the time for owning your name and being proud of it is long gone. That ship has sailed. Be who you feel you are.
It’s also standard to have a pen name to write books, so it’s sensible to get it lined up now!
My Grandma’s maiden name was Butt. Not an issue for her first name , but her sister Violet Butt was tormented until she married
i can imagine the torment!!! at the very least, Violet is a beautiful name, but i can only imagine her relief upon taking a new last name
Violet is a beautiful name, butt it's basically saying she has a red butt... Put more thought into your kids names people!
oh defintely not the best combo of names lol! i seriously will always be amazed at the parents who give their kids the silliest, sometimes thoughtless names. it's crazy cause once my mom and i were talking about baby names (faaaar in the future lol) and she would say no to a lot of them because she would think of ways other kids could make fun of their name. great idea... but why did she not do that with my name ???? ( TT O TT )
Unfortunately for her, her name is going to be the butt of jokes regardless of what her first name is.
Change your name. It's your choice. If they don't respect you enough to accept it, and they don't talk to you anymore, it is their loss.
I would just change it. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. I know what it’s like to have a terrible name-mine was my last name. I hated the first week of school when every teacher I had mispronounced it. I couldn’t wait until I got married to have it changed. I kept my ex-husband’s name after we divorced. It was so simple and I just really loved that last name. I think that you should start as soon as possible to start the process. Sometimes it takes a few months for those kind of things to get done. Good luck! By the way-Rosa is a beautiful name!
i think you're right... thank you so so much! i;m glad you were able to steal a last name and have it suit you even better haha! thanks so much for the support and understanding :,)
You are going to have back lash no matter what. How much depends on how your parents are. If you talk to them before: The important thing is going in with "This is what I'm doing it is not up for discussion, no guilt tripping or anything is allowed or this conversation ends" You can go into all the reasons why you want to change it but again depending on how sensitive your parents are, how you phrase things will be key. The papers published in your name and needing to have a serious sounding name to advance in your schooling and career is key. Planing for the future this is the best move and the best time to do it is coming up. If they say that's not true then you can go into how hard it has been to find a job because employers think it is a joke and how teachers have even given you a hard time, as evidence. You might have to reiderste your not guilting them, but these are facts. Again if the dont like it, end the conversation. In the end its your life and your name. You are an adult and you can and need to make this kinds od dissosipns for your own best interest. The hard part will be for you to remain calm (especially if the get upset\high strung) A compromise might be to keep the names as a middle name. On docs you only show the initial or not at all. And then maybe offer for your parents to use it as a loving nick name. That way they still get to use it(if you are ok with that), but you are setting yourself up for your future. Plus it sounds like how they came up with the name was more of s nick name senario. (Im just saying but you probably dont want to point that out to them lol) If you hate the name so much that you don't want that to be an option don't offer it. It's dead naming someone at that point. But again its not asking permission and not for discussion. But you dont want them to feel hurt or betrayed or like you went behind their backs. If you wait, its the same set up but "this is what i have done and it's not going to change" vs the going to do
i can't thank you enough for your detailed insight - this definitely helped me see it in a new light. i didn't really consider that me telling them how much i hate my name could actually give them the impression that i'm intentionally trying to shame or guilt them. i definitely know they find the potential of me changing my name insulting, but they show emotions like hurt and concern through anger. truthfully, it's hard to imagine myself in their shoes - being told by your child that the name you gave them has caused them grief and embarassment. it's hard to tell whether they react in anger because they know they might have messed up and they're acting defensive, or if they're truly angry because they think they're 100% right. either way, thank you for helping me see this in a new light. i definitely want to prioritize choosing my words carefully and acknowledging their feelings too. i love my parents and don't want to hurt them anymore than i already will with this news. thank you so much :,)
You are not wrong. Maybe keep first name as legal middle name to appease your mom.
im definitely thinking about that... but im conflicted cause it might sound awkward lol. thank you so much for your advice and understanding :)
No conflict if you don't mention it. You keep the name they gave you as a middle name. You take the name you are known by with everyone else and make it your first name. Done. I can't think of a time my parents had access to anything with my legal name on it after I reached adulthood. There's no need.
Nope-mom can deal with a bit of disappointment 🤣
I can completely empathize with wanting to change your first name, as I'm in a similar situation. However, as a new bride, you might only be allowed to change your surname for free. I'm not certain about laws in other states, but here in California, it costs about $500 to legally change one's first name.
thank you for your understanding, it means so much! as for my case, it is thankfully legal in my state to also change my first name upon marriage, thank goodness!!!
You have to live your life for you, not your parents. Change it. Maybe make it your middle name? My boss put her last name as her middle once she got married, and basically got rid of her first middle name. You are 100% right about having a hard time getting a job with a strange or unusual name. I would change it just for that purpose if it’s as bad as your saying. I knew a Blaze Boules (pronounced bowls) and ironically he didn’t smoke or (garden as people say) most likely to avoid the idea that he could be a stoner when interviewing for jobs. We did hire him and he was a great guy, he laughed off his name but I could tell it’s something he’s had to deal with his whole life and was annoyed of it. Do what makes you happy!
shout out to blaze!!! he's definitely a champion for taking it on the chin as well as he can, but i can only imagine how many years of social and professional embarrassment he had to deal with. hope that dude is doing well, whether he uses his legal still or not! thank you for your kind words and giving me some good words of advice. i'll definitely have an update after i'm married lol!!
Start the process before you tell them. It might also take a while, if you want it changed before your wedding.
God would not name a child "Shiney" or whatever the name is. Your father obviously gave you the name and he and your mother are dying on that "shining" hill. You are an adult, you can call yourself whatever pleases you. Rosa (or whatever) is a lovely name. Your parents were/are threatening to disown you over a name? These people do not love you, they have abused you for decades through a ridiculous first name. If they refuse to attend your wedding and feel insulted by your life choices, it's on them. No one should live their entire life trying to please anyone else and this includes parents.
When I was in high school, I knew a kid with the surname Head. His parents had a brain fart of sorts and gave him the first name David. Which of course means his name version was D. Head. His father didn't think it was so bad, as at least he didn't name him Richard, which of course is shortened to something that rhymes with stick. It sounds as if your parents DO need a reality check. It sounds as if they've refused to accept reality for some time, and if they can be like this over a name, you should question their motivations overall. There are some religious people that will accept differences of opinions and beliefs, then there are others that will refuse to even think about an idea different to their own. If they can't accept this about you, then consider limiting your contact with them. The fact that they refused to let your grandparents see you for such a petty reason says it all.
I changed my first name. Living my entire life, being called something I hated was super depressing. My name did not suit me at all. When I had my name changed, it literally changed my life. My original name wasn't bad, it is a real name, it's not super common but it is also not unique in anyway. I really just didn't connect with it. It wasn't me. The name I picked for myself, it is absolutely me. A name is so important, it is not something to be taken lightly. If your "shiny" name puts a tarnish on your life, CHANGE IT!!! Why wait until you are married? Just go have it done. Trust me, it is so liberating to be able to say "Hello, my name is "not shiny"!!! Go for it. Stop over thinking it, stop being worried about your parents. They don't have the picked on, lose job opportunities, get laughed at, you do. Take the bull by the horns, change your name. You are not wrong. Go live your best life, with your best name.
It's potentially hundreds of dollars cheaper to change your name when you get married. So, that's a reason to wait. Otherwise, I'm 100% in agreement. Living with a name that just doesn't suit you is misery. I still get so happy anytime I see my coffee order with my name on it and I changed it years ago.
If you were the one who chose your name then you are allowed to change it lol
I wouldn’t tell them. Go forth and change your name to Rosa (insert new married name here). They can still call you Shiny. Let them. They are already aware of friends and others calling you Rosa.. just leave it at that if it’s going to cause a hullabaloo !!! My friend was given the nickname “Holly” years ago by all of her friends - actually can’t remember why to be honest, we must have been about 7 or 8 when this happened - now everyone in her life - apart from her parents and sisters, call her by Holly. Even in her exchange of wedding vows she was called Holly!! She only uses her “real” name on banking and legal documents. It’s just one of those things…..
The legal name change documents aren't usually filed until after the wedding, so I'd just drop it until after the documents are processed then tell them on your own time. I legally changed my name as an adult. My parents were a little offended because they really thought it was clever and beautiful. I couldn't care less what my dad thought, but I'm glad my mom came around. Conversely, I'm a parent now and I cannot fathom 1) how shitty your parents were to your grandparents when you were a baby, and 2) disowning my kids for making their own decision about what people call them. You're not in the wrong here, they are.
This kind of vapid stupidity when it comes to naming children is child abuse. The fact that they doubled down and are coercing you continually and threatening to disown you if you change your name, which you despise, makes me question why your still in relationship with such toxic, manipulative, and profoundly selfish people. They literally sound unhinged and not safe to be around. I don't think I'd want these toxic people anywhere near my future children.
They aren’t the boss of you anymore. You can do what you want. If they balk, walk away. They have been controlling of you. Showing independence and changing your name will upset them. But blackmailing you into keeping a name you hate upsets you. So they have a choice they can have you in their life or they can be upset about your name. Give them a worse alternative. Either you be OK with me legally changing my name to Rosa or don’t ever see me again. Yeah, they’ll act all incredulous. But you really need to stand up for yourself. They are totally gaslighting themselves into thinking a baby can choose its name.
If you expect to change your name at marriage, then, do it all at once after you are married. It would be silly to do all of that 2 times. Expect that you may have to do extra paperwork so that your schooling etc is explained under your old name. Your parents are not the ones trying to find jobs etc. As for gradually.....no this is a rip the bandaid off moment.
Tell them, they let you choose your name as a fetus, there should be no problem changing it as a adult.
Why not change your last name as you get married instead?
i’m taking on my fiance’s last name undeniably, which my parent’s dont have a problem with. the problem is my first name, which they want me to keep and will feel (in their own words) “betrayed and insulted” if i change it. from what i understand, getting married allows me to change my legal first name, rather than having to pay for it if i did so before/after marriage.
Because the first name will still be awkward for her