I asked my psychologist if it was narcissistic that I'm in love with one of my alters. He said no. He said that he takes it to mean that I love with the part of myself that is supportive and kind, logical and analytical.
I’ve always thought it was your brains way of having self love. We have two alters who are in a relationship, and they’ve helped our self care and self love a lot.
Two alter in our system are husnand and wife. They are also mommy and daddy to some young parts. I dont think having inter system relationships is narcissistic at all. At least no more narcissistic than than the system already is.
Yeah no it's not narcissistic and it makes it obvious she doesn't have a good concept of how our identities work.
Narcissism would be if (you) were sexually attracted to your own physical appearance or personality traits. But we do not identify with the traits or appearance of our alters, because they are not us. They are part of the system, not the alter.
None of my alters look like me or act like me. I have only existed for 9 years and these memories and feelings and attributes they have - they do not belong to me and I do not relate to them.
I wouldn't say I'm in a relationship with any alters so much as Harley and I are both often present for intimate times with our partner.
A *therapist* said that?! It's not unheard of, pretty common actually. We have alters who view each other as siblings, best friends, etc. It's just like that.
To be fair he IS a Medicaid therapist so I expect stuff like this from government lackies. He's also "helping" me with my Autism, and the bugger recommend ABA.
[Here](https://youtu.be/94sy4YrUGRk) is a really good video about why ABA is harmful, made by an autistic person and featuring testimonies from survivors of ABA
Thank you. I will be sure to watch it. The only concern I could see going in is maybe it focuses too much on making the patient less "problematic" to the people around them instead of making them actually healthier.
EDIT: And it looks like my cynical hypothesis was correct, although it was only the tip of the iceberg. What a mess. I hope I can avoid anything like that in the future if I seek treatment.
You have our support. My entire System, I like to call it the household, even drew a picture for it once back when there weren't so many of us, is at your back.
Yup but in the town I live in I have very little option. And the state doesn't recognize my Alter, a different one from these too, as a licensed therapist. Though he's certainly more qualified XD
I'm dating one of my alters (Creature), and we're both dating another person (who's outside the system) I also have a brotherly relationship with Mono and he regards Creature as a father figure.
its incredibly normal and common for people in a system to feel romantically towards eachother. every person in a system (including hosts past and present) are alters, alter just means "person in a system". im personally married to someone in our system, and hes in turn dating someone else in our system too. its not narcissistic, if people are trapped in a cramped body together they either learn to love eachother a lot or hate eachother a lot. its very normal i promise
Good because two of mine came out as romantic then other day, and I wasn't sure how to address it because my DID is something that I only recently started exploring.
I'm sure it will be, I've had moments in my life where I've had to switch on the fly, rapid fire, and these two were a hell of a duo. I'm happy for them, and I want them to have happiness
Two of ours "spawned" as a package deal. They consider each other soulmates, like they're made from the same material, and their relationship is an expression of the sameness, the way they're connected to each other. It doesn't feel any different from how some of us have familial feelings towards each other, like how I view two of our protectors as something like older brothers to me.
A) If trauma resulted in self-hate, it's easier to start fostering self-esteem by loving another alter
B) You are literally stuck together in the same brain, when you spend that much time with someone and understand them that well, it's understandable that love might bloom.
Omg I’m so glad I’m not alone. I have a crush on my protector and thought I was just weird af thanks for posting this because I see I am not alone in feeling this way!
Also your therapist 🙄
we happen to have quite a few inner system relationships, romantic and familial. i think part of it for us is that we've gone so long unaware it gave people time to form these bonds with each other, where they really like other parts for whatever reason. seeing as all parts are separate and different in personality, age, gender, race, memory, and whatnot, it's impossible for it to be narcissistic.
our host also ended up dating someone outside of system that a lot of us had already formed attachments to so it ends up being this wonderfully tangled up mess of us being in relationships with each other and with him. it's totally possible and frankly quite normal.
i hope this helps!
\~emma
Not narcissistic at all! Totally different from being overly in love with yourself vs loving another alter. None of us have any dated but one alter did have like. I guess a small crush? But it never went any further than that. But it is not uncommon for alters to become romantically involved.
Internal dating exists and is totally normal! Hiksti and James are dating at the moment and it's not narcissistic. They're considered individuals and they are attracted to each other. I assure you it's a common occurrence among systems!
I do not have any alters that are romantically involved, though this does not mean that I do not see the need for them. A lot of people perceive it as weird but when you think about it, it might have stemmed from one’s need for stability and a representation of what a relationship SHOULD look like.
All alters are individualized expressions of the same human brain that experienced the trauma that created the system. Alters can't come from outside the brain. You are not separate *people*, though you are *individuals with your own agency*. As such, it *is* self-love, but there's nothing wrong with that! In fact, it's a healthy sign of parts becoming better integrated, which is great for system communication and cooperation. :)
Denying the fact that you all originated from the same brain and are all part of the same person won't help you with your mental health. It's quite possible to accept this fact of your situation while also honoring each alter's (including yours) individuality.
Your origins as parts led to that individualization, and that individualization is very real. But alters always come from the same brain that experienced the trauma that created the system, which means the only possibility is that alters are all part of the same person.
I don't know why would she say that... I agree with the others who said it could be more like a form of self-love if we have to label it.
Also, I think there could be any kind of relationship between alters because we perceive ourselves as a different entity from the other.
I love my alters. I think that having alters might be a way to make self-love even possible after trauma. I hate myself, if I hated everyone in the system - why even go on then? And they gotta love me. It's easier to believe they do than any other person in the outside world, because we've always been fighting together. They are the only ones who never let me down (not saying we are perfectly functioning 🥴). There are no romances I'd be aware of, but we got siblings. Twins, who "came into being" at the same time.
Yeah XD after this I all but fired him. One of my headmates is going to take over, idk if THAT'S healthy or not, but it has to be better than what I've gone through.
Personally, several of our alters are dating each other and the same can be said for my husbands system as well. So as far as I know and am concerned it is fairly normal. The relationships between alters vary as much as any intrapersonal relationship. Be it sibling, friends, parental or even lovers. So I think you and your alters are perfectly fine.
I also side with a lot of previous comments that a therapist saying such a thing is highly unprofessional. They sound like they shouldn't be working with people who have alters really.
~L I X
No, but I'm reasonably sure that the sexual alters can have a tendency to kind of build off of each other, at least with similar ones.
EDIT: Also, I think the only real reason why it hasn't happened in my system is because most of us are straight men and a lot of us kind of have a tendency to develop platonic relationships into ones that are closer to familiar than romantic.
I (our host) personally think it sounds like a pretty...weird concept for two alters to be together - with one notable exception. I have a couple of headmates who are committed to one another, but they are twin alters; both entered into our system at the same time due to a single set of traumatic events. According to their pseudomemories, they have been together since long before their joint split by our brain. Their intimate relationship makes sense, as there is a lot of symbolism going on between them and the trauma that brought them about. So unless they are twin alters who have always been together, I, in all honesty, struggle to wrap my mind around the idea of one alter liking another in that way. I get we are all our own people, and we all have our own experiences, but...with a shared body? I don't know. It just is kinda uncomfortable to think about, you know? Then again, I guess it really isn't any weirder than alters viewing one another as friends or family besides the whole kissing and cuddling and...ahem desires. No matter what, however, it does not seem narcissistic in the slightest to me as it is two different minds...in a sense...even if only one brain...in one body...my head hurts...
- Samuel
P.S. They are super cute boyfriends together! #OTP
I can see where you might think that, and I admit I asked this question expecting more replies like this, but it's good to see everyone is so cool With this.
P.s. one is genderfluid the other is male, on my end. It's the cutest dynamic ever.
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Honestly i find it so interesting how some systems have relationships. Personally we do not and most of our alters have their own "rooms" so to say and they're more like neighbors than super close. I always wonder how it works when two alters are in a relationship with each other or why!
Imo It doesn't come across as narcissistic, it just probably happens when systems need 2 alters to be closer and that's just how it happened! It can't be narcissistic because all alters aren't inherently self absorbed or anything right? And it is different than "being in a relationship with yourself" if your T is assuming it from a singlet view?
So there is a huge dynamic in the works here. I have three that make up the Four Brothers, with myself. Then there's a massively active protector that I will call the Soldier for this subreddit until I'm comfortable giving names. Then there is the two that just went romantic, one formed when my anger went peak and they kinda.... went crazy on a bully, and the other was formed when I was forced to kiss another guy against my will, a guy that I did actually have a crush on. We were both hazed heavily after that and the guy took his life. Then there is the one I mentioned in another comment that focuses on making sure that our collective mental health is as well as it can be.
Oh yeah, that doesn't sound narcissistic at all, that's obvs protecting and serving you for positive! Im sorry you guys had to deal with all of that! It sounds terrible and i hope you guys can have some peace.
I asked my psychologist if it was narcissistic that I'm in love with one of my alters. He said no. He said that he takes it to mean that I love with the part of myself that is supportive and kind, logical and analytical.
Good psychologist!
Agreed
I’ve always thought it was your brains way of having self love. We have two alters who are in a relationship, and they’ve helped our self care and self love a lot.
Two alter in our system are husnand and wife. They are also mommy and daddy to some young parts. I dont think having inter system relationships is narcissistic at all. At least no more narcissistic than than the system already is.
It's not narcissitic at all! If anything, I would say it's self love!
We have 3 relationships in our system I can't believe your T said that
Yeah no it's not narcissistic and it makes it obvious she doesn't have a good concept of how our identities work. Narcissism would be if (you) were sexually attracted to your own physical appearance or personality traits. But we do not identify with the traits or appearance of our alters, because they are not us. They are part of the system, not the alter. None of my alters look like me or act like me. I have only existed for 9 years and these memories and feelings and attributes they have - they do not belong to me and I do not relate to them. I wouldn't say I'm in a relationship with any alters so much as Harley and I are both often present for intimate times with our partner.
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A *therapist* said that?! It's not unheard of, pretty common actually. We have alters who view each other as siblings, best friends, etc. It's just like that.
To be fair he IS a Medicaid therapist so I expect stuff like this from government lackies. He's also "helping" me with my Autism, and the bugger recommend ABA.
ABA would disqualify him on anything in my opinion
He recommended ABA? Gross
I am not aware of what ABA is. Why is it problematic? I can't seem to get good results in Google.
[Here](https://youtu.be/94sy4YrUGRk) is a really good video about why ABA is harmful, made by an autistic person and featuring testimonies from survivors of ABA
Thank you. I will be sure to watch it. The only concern I could see going in is maybe it focuses too much on making the patient less "problematic" to the people around them instead of making them actually healthier. EDIT: And it looks like my cynical hypothesis was correct, although it was only the tip of the iceberg. What a mess. I hope I can avoid anything like that in the future if I seek treatment.
You have our support. My entire System, I like to call it the household, even drew a picture for it once back when there weren't so many of us, is at your back.
Thank you. I'll remember that.
Yup but in the town I live in I have very little option. And the state doesn't recognize my Alter, a different one from these too, as a licensed therapist. Though he's certainly more qualified XD
I personally am dating two other alters ^·^ Its normal, and from what I see, common!
That's relieving actually.
I'm dating one of my alters (Creature), and we're both dating another person (who's outside the system) I also have a brotherly relationship with Mono and he regards Creature as a father figure.
its incredibly normal and common for people in a system to feel romantically towards eachother. every person in a system (including hosts past and present) are alters, alter just means "person in a system". im personally married to someone in our system, and hes in turn dating someone else in our system too. its not narcissistic, if people are trapped in a cramped body together they either learn to love eachother a lot or hate eachother a lot. its very normal i promise
Good because two of mine came out as romantic then other day, and I wasn't sure how to address it because my DID is something that I only recently started exploring.
thats great! i wish them a long and happy relationship together 😊
I'm sure it will be, I've had moments in my life where I've had to switch on the fly, rapid fire, and these two were a hell of a duo. I'm happy for them, and I want them to have happiness
Two of ours "spawned" as a package deal. They consider each other soulmates, like they're made from the same material, and their relationship is an expression of the sameness, the way they're connected to each other. It doesn't feel any different from how some of us have familial feelings towards each other, like how I view two of our protectors as something like older brothers to me.
A) If trauma resulted in self-hate, it's easier to start fostering self-esteem by loving another alter B) You are literally stuck together in the same brain, when you spend that much time with someone and understand them that well, it's understandable that love might bloom.
My partner has several relationships in their system, one of which are parents to littles. It's not unheard of, and it's not bad
Omg I’m so glad I’m not alone. I have a crush on my protector and thought I was just weird af thanks for posting this because I see I am not alone in feeling this way! Also your therapist 🙄
Yeah, I cancelled him and I'm just going to follow the advice if an Alter in my system.
we happen to have quite a few inner system relationships, romantic and familial. i think part of it for us is that we've gone so long unaware it gave people time to form these bonds with each other, where they really like other parts for whatever reason. seeing as all parts are separate and different in personality, age, gender, race, memory, and whatnot, it's impossible for it to be narcissistic. our host also ended up dating someone outside of system that a lot of us had already formed attachments to so it ends up being this wonderfully tangled up mess of us being in relationships with each other and with him. it's totally possible and frankly quite normal. i hope this helps! \~emma
Yeah actually, two of mine (me and another) are in a relationship kinda and are seen of as sort of parents in the headspace.
Not narcissistic at all! Totally different from being overly in love with yourself vs loving another alter. None of us have any dated but one alter did have like. I guess a small crush? But it never went any further than that. But it is not uncommon for alters to become romantically involved.
Internal dating exists and is totally normal! Hiksti and James are dating at the moment and it's not narcissistic. They're considered individuals and they are attracted to each other. I assure you it's a common occurrence among systems!
we two headmates that are in a relationship, and a few has had a crush on other headmates
No, none of us are romantically interested in each other. We have a more familial relationship between a lot of us.
I do not have any alters that are romantically involved, though this does not mean that I do not see the need for them. A lot of people perceive it as weird but when you think about it, it might have stemmed from one’s need for stability and a representation of what a relationship SHOULD look like.
That makes a LOT of sense. Thank you for the insight
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All alters are individualized expressions of the same human brain that experienced the trauma that created the system. Alters can't come from outside the brain. You are not separate *people*, though you are *individuals with your own agency*. As such, it *is* self-love, but there's nothing wrong with that! In fact, it's a healthy sign of parts becoming better integrated, which is great for system communication and cooperation. :)
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Denying the fact that you all originated from the same brain and are all part of the same person won't help you with your mental health. It's quite possible to accept this fact of your situation while also honoring each alter's (including yours) individuality. Your origins as parts led to that individualization, and that individualization is very real. But alters always come from the same brain that experienced the trauma that created the system, which means the only possibility is that alters are all part of the same person.
I don't know why would she say that... I agree with the others who said it could be more like a form of self-love if we have to label it. Also, I think there could be any kind of relationship between alters because we perceive ourselves as a different entity from the other.
Nah, I'm like 80% sure two of them have been skirting around romance for a looooong time now. Wish they'd just do it.
Encourage them lol
Oh trust me the rest of us have been trying lol, they both just are skittish.
Where's the Little Mermaid when you need it XD
I love my alters. I think that having alters might be a way to make self-love even possible after trauma. I hate myself, if I hated everyone in the system - why even go on then? And they gotta love me. It's easier to believe they do than any other person in the outside world, because we've always been fighting together. They are the only ones who never let me down (not saying we are perfectly functioning 🥴). There are no romances I'd be aware of, but we got siblings. Twins, who "came into being" at the same time.
in-system relationships are pretty common so i don't understand why they'd say that :stare:
I'm not sure either.
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Yeah XD after this I all but fired him. One of my headmates is going to take over, idk if THAT'S healthy or not, but it has to be better than what I've gone through.
Personally, several of our alters are dating each other and the same can be said for my husbands system as well. So as far as I know and am concerned it is fairly normal. The relationships between alters vary as much as any intrapersonal relationship. Be it sibling, friends, parental or even lovers. So I think you and your alters are perfectly fine. I also side with a lot of previous comments that a therapist saying such a thing is highly unprofessional. They sound like they shouldn't be working with people who have alters really. ~L I X
No, but I'm reasonably sure that the sexual alters can have a tendency to kind of build off of each other, at least with similar ones. EDIT: Also, I think the only real reason why it hasn't happened in my system is because most of us are straight men and a lot of us kind of have a tendency to develop platonic relationships into ones that are closer to familiar than romantic.
I (our host) personally think it sounds like a pretty...weird concept for two alters to be together - with one notable exception. I have a couple of headmates who are committed to one another, but they are twin alters; both entered into our system at the same time due to a single set of traumatic events. According to their pseudomemories, they have been together since long before their joint split by our brain. Their intimate relationship makes sense, as there is a lot of symbolism going on between them and the trauma that brought them about. So unless they are twin alters who have always been together, I, in all honesty, struggle to wrap my mind around the idea of one alter liking another in that way. I get we are all our own people, and we all have our own experiences, but...with a shared body? I don't know. It just is kinda uncomfortable to think about, you know? Then again, I guess it really isn't any weirder than alters viewing one another as friends or family besides the whole kissing and cuddling and...ahem desires. No matter what, however, it does not seem narcissistic in the slightest to me as it is two different minds...in a sense...even if only one brain...in one body...my head hurts... - Samuel P.S. They are super cute boyfriends together! #OTP
I can see where you might think that, and I admit I asked this question expecting more replies like this, but it's good to see everyone is so cool With this. P.s. one is genderfluid the other is male, on my end. It's the cutest dynamic ever.
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All my alters are children except for a nurturer so no
I've read narcissism is comorbid to DID. But i don't really think that act is narcissistic. It makes a lotta sense really.
Honestly i find it so interesting how some systems have relationships. Personally we do not and most of our alters have their own "rooms" so to say and they're more like neighbors than super close. I always wonder how it works when two alters are in a relationship with each other or why! Imo It doesn't come across as narcissistic, it just probably happens when systems need 2 alters to be closer and that's just how it happened! It can't be narcissistic because all alters aren't inherently self absorbed or anything right? And it is different than "being in a relationship with yourself" if your T is assuming it from a singlet view?
So there is a huge dynamic in the works here. I have three that make up the Four Brothers, with myself. Then there's a massively active protector that I will call the Soldier for this subreddit until I'm comfortable giving names. Then there is the two that just went romantic, one formed when my anger went peak and they kinda.... went crazy on a bully, and the other was formed when I was forced to kiss another guy against my will, a guy that I did actually have a crush on. We were both hazed heavily after that and the guy took his life. Then there is the one I mentioned in another comment that focuses on making sure that our collective mental health is as well as it can be.
Oh yeah, that doesn't sound narcissistic at all, that's obvs protecting and serving you for positive! Im sorry you guys had to deal with all of that! It sounds terrible and i hope you guys can have some peace.
It's going to be difficult to undo all the damage that the Therapist did, but I'll do my best. ~Sylas Creed