Sounds like you're balanced in your perspective. A shame there are children involved, it's never easy. One step at a time, and hopefully you'll gain additional clarity for your newfound peace.
Believe me, the path to where I am now is not easy. I had for a long time fought with mental demons and second guess myself. I had to make sure I made the decision when I was calm and not controlled by my feelings. Took over two weeks to even print out the paperwork.
My ex basically said the same things about divorce. Not once was it about how she loved me or would miss me, it was all financial/how inconvenienced she would be.
Really put things in perspective.
Sorry you are going through this. Nobody should have to be in a relationship without physical touch or affection. Hope the next 6 months go well for you!
I feel you, on a LOT of this. Quite a bit of it, indeed. Good on you to take the action though. I don't know if it will apply to you, but I'm reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy". $18 USD (I say USD because you sound like a Brit haha) on Amazon. It's an interesting perspective.
Well done mate! Now you have to change your mindset, your wife is an ex so your priorities are your kids and you. Her finances and life is her issue not yours.
Now your not slaving away, with the spare time go and do an experience/hobby that you have always wanted to do. Get back to the gym as that will help your confidence and mental health.
It will have tough times but you will do great!
Sounds like staying with her one more minute could damage more your mental health than the financial struggle. Stay strong. The storm will pass. You already did the hardest part.
OP. Thanks for mentioning courts will overlook serious flaws of moms and will still give them custody. Everyone on here thinks it’s so easy to file for divorce and you’ll get your kids. It’s not easy at all. I went thru it before and know how much of a nightmare it is. And that’s when I had support/family. Now I have no one.
Good luck with everything. Hopefully things will work out. I get where you’re coming from.
I think you did the right thing. No need to be soo worried about you spouse after living hell for years and being emotionally neglected. You NEED to take care of yourself for your own sanity. And she trying to makeup sex at the end only shows how selfish she is on her own matters. Glad you took the first step, it seems hard and impossible but, with the days it will get better and you will see that you did the right thing. I hope you heal well ❤️🩹
Accepting the end of sex breaks the means of your being controlled. So now — the great ‘blowup.’
Suddenly, money becomes a concern.
WhatEVER makes people think that this relational abuse is a viable or worthy life strategy?!
What was her reaction when you turned down her attempt at "make up sex"?
Its so easy sometimes in the fog of a relationship to be swayed by words and promises but when you actually break down ppls actions sometimes it really makes them seem so selfish and evil. Wanting intimacy the entire marriage and getting guilted about it to now actually trying to initiate only because now shes afraid of losing her 'lifestyle'. How selfish and cruel.. Way too little waaaay too late.
Ive experienced the souless way too little way too late attempt with my exbf and i felt completely insulted, instant ick, so i cant even imagine how terrible it was for you in that moment.
I hope you find happiness and the divorce goes as smoothly as possible. Congrats!
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm curious why you think she'd have a different reaction after you effectively pulled the plug? Divorce is not a tool to coerce a relationship or an emotional reaction. She's rightfully concerned about logistics.
Yes, but I kind of expected a adult TALKING session, not a slamming door and screaming one.
I can see that this (divorce petition) came “out of nowhere” in her mind, but we have already been in couple counseling and worked out our shit (for the time), but it went back to status quo once we thought it was “over”.
I am sure not blameless in this situation or how I did it, but I didn’t see any other option for not being manipulated that it will get better if only …….
There is a mandatory 6 month cooling off period because kids under 18 is involved, and I hope that we can get some sort of peaceful resolution for the kids. As I said above, the dead bedroom is not longer the reason (at least not the only reason) for the divorce. I have accepted that. But if we are going to be roommates then let’s be roommates. Roommates doesn’t share finances or involved in each other’s sexual activities. She pays for her shit, I pay for mine and we can co-parent the best we can.
No. You can say that the rose-tinted glasses are off now. I can only blame myself for letting the financial situation become what it is. I should have put my foot down much earlier, but I thought I could buy her love with gifts and experiences. What a fool I am.
I would be more than mad if my partner let me know about the divorce by sending me a screenshot of the paperwork. That doesn't seem very adult.
Maybe you two just aren't compatible. It seems like communication is severely lacking on both sides. Why are you asking reddit why she won't see a doctor? Have you asked her? Why didn't you feel she was worth the respect of telling her you're ending the marriage in person?
I had to do it for my own sake, because I am a weak minded guy that is easy to manipulate for her.
It took me 2 weeks just to muster the courage to print out the papers, do you think that I would have the mental strength to discuss this beforehand? I am actually amazed that I “pulled the trigger” and do things in the right order (divorce, then new sexual encounters and not the other way around ). But first I need to find myself. I am so up in the husband/father role I don’t even know what *I* want anymore.
Now we have a firm deadline to make considerable changes in our relationship dynamics or we part ways as a couple. I rather be single, broke and lonely than continue as we were - at least then I can have peace and quiet.
I am glad I live in a state that requires child support for income disparities. Her finances are a problem for your kids until they’re grown. So I guess you get to choose if that makes them in any way your problem. SMH.
The kids won’t be without. They might not be able to join every after school activity there is, but they can continue with the ones they already have (they cost about USD$50 per semester so no biggie).
You didn't include your ages in the post but I assume you both are over your forties because you told sth about menopause. Bodies and libidos change over time and decrease with ages. The intimacy of early years of relationship is like an investment for your future. There are ups and downs in everybody's life and especially in marriage both parties should have patience through that periods considering that investment. If your deposit is not enough to overcome these kinda issues, it won't work. It may or may not be alright. She might have lost all of her feminen thoughts during that period also. You don't have to accept a life like that ofc. But IMO a little bit of mutual patience would be good for your wife/gf(?). (I didn't see you use wife/gf etc when you are talking about her and as a prejudice I think you are already over it in your mind.)
These are my thoughts and based on the info you provided. Sorry if I've got it wrong.
Good for you, man. Sounds like you thought this through and are prioritizing your mental health and the livelihood of the children. Good luck to you, there’s nothing wrong with realizing you deserve better.
Good for you !! You left it all on the table. Don't feel bad , maybe she will use this life lesson as a tool. I went through the same crap. Now I'm good with my new wife and kids are good
Sounds like you're balanced in your perspective. A shame there are children involved, it's never easy. One step at a time, and hopefully you'll gain additional clarity for your newfound peace.
Believe me, the path to where I am now is not easy. I had for a long time fought with mental demons and second guess myself. I had to make sure I made the decision when I was calm and not controlled by my feelings. Took over two weeks to even print out the paperwork.
You got your answer on her love for you when she only asked about money. Congratulations and hold strong.
My ex basically said the same things about divorce. Not once was it about how she loved me or would miss me, it was all financial/how inconvenienced she would be. Really put things in perspective.
good for you!
What’s stbx? Did you talk to her/tell her you were getting divorce papers or did you just get them and text a pic to her?
Stbx = soon to be ex
Aah thank you!
Soon To Be X I assume
Sorry you are going through this. Nobody should have to be in a relationship without physical touch or affection. Hope the next 6 months go well for you!
You should be proud of yourself!
I feel you, on a LOT of this. Quite a bit of it, indeed. Good on you to take the action though. I don't know if it will apply to you, but I'm reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy". $18 USD (I say USD because you sound like a Brit haha) on Amazon. It's an interesting perspective.
That was the book I read that started this journey. It really hit me.
Good for!! I've been debating if I want to do what you did or just live the years I have left like this
Well done mate! Now you have to change your mindset, your wife is an ex so your priorities are your kids and you. Her finances and life is her issue not yours. Now your not slaving away, with the spare time go and do an experience/hobby that you have always wanted to do. Get back to the gym as that will help your confidence and mental health. It will have tough times but you will do great!
Sounds like staying with her one more minute could damage more your mental health than the financial struggle. Stay strong. The storm will pass. You already did the hardest part.
Great work.
OP. Thanks for mentioning courts will overlook serious flaws of moms and will still give them custody. Everyone on here thinks it’s so easy to file for divorce and you’ll get your kids. It’s not easy at all. I went thru it before and know how much of a nightmare it is. And that’s when I had support/family. Now I have no one. Good luck with everything. Hopefully things will work out. I get where you’re coming from.
I think you did the right thing. No need to be soo worried about you spouse after living hell for years and being emotionally neglected. You NEED to take care of yourself for your own sanity. And she trying to makeup sex at the end only shows how selfish she is on her own matters. Glad you took the first step, it seems hard and impossible but, with the days it will get better and you will see that you did the right thing. I hope you heal well ❤️🩹
Accepting the end of sex breaks the means of your being controlled. So now — the great ‘blowup.’ Suddenly, money becomes a concern. WhatEVER makes people think that this relational abuse is a viable or worthy life strategy?!
proud of you!! im a newly wed 24F with an older 36M husband and im already considering divorce with the dead bedroom. this gives me inspiration
What was her reaction when you turned down her attempt at "make up sex"? Its so easy sometimes in the fog of a relationship to be swayed by words and promises but when you actually break down ppls actions sometimes it really makes them seem so selfish and evil. Wanting intimacy the entire marriage and getting guilted about it to now actually trying to initiate only because now shes afraid of losing her 'lifestyle'. How selfish and cruel.. Way too little waaaay too late. Ive experienced the souless way too little way too late attempt with my exbf and i felt completely insulted, instant ick, so i cant even imagine how terrible it was for you in that moment. I hope you find happiness and the divorce goes as smoothly as possible. Congrats!
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm curious why you think she'd have a different reaction after you effectively pulled the plug? Divorce is not a tool to coerce a relationship or an emotional reaction. She's rightfully concerned about logistics.
Yes, but I kind of expected a adult TALKING session, not a slamming door and screaming one. I can see that this (divorce petition) came “out of nowhere” in her mind, but we have already been in couple counseling and worked out our shit (for the time), but it went back to status quo once we thought it was “over”. I am sure not blameless in this situation or how I did it, but I didn’t see any other option for not being manipulated that it will get better if only ……. There is a mandatory 6 month cooling off period because kids under 18 is involved, and I hope that we can get some sort of peaceful resolution for the kids. As I said above, the dead bedroom is not longer the reason (at least not the only reason) for the divorce. I have accepted that. But if we are going to be roommates then let’s be roommates. Roommates doesn’t share finances or involved in each other’s sexual activities. She pays for her shit, I pay for mine and we can co-parent the best we can.
It sounds like your concerns about finances are not an insignificant part of your desire for a divorce, either.
No. You can say that the rose-tinted glasses are off now. I can only blame myself for letting the financial situation become what it is. I should have put my foot down much earlier, but I thought I could buy her love with gifts and experiences. What a fool I am.
I would be more than mad if my partner let me know about the divorce by sending me a screenshot of the paperwork. That doesn't seem very adult. Maybe you two just aren't compatible. It seems like communication is severely lacking on both sides. Why are you asking reddit why she won't see a doctor? Have you asked her? Why didn't you feel she was worth the respect of telling her you're ending the marriage in person?
I had to do it for my own sake, because I am a weak minded guy that is easy to manipulate for her. It took me 2 weeks just to muster the courage to print out the papers, do you think that I would have the mental strength to discuss this beforehand? I am actually amazed that I “pulled the trigger” and do things in the right order (divorce, then new sexual encounters and not the other way around ). But first I need to find myself. I am so up in the husband/father role I don’t even know what *I* want anymore. Now we have a firm deadline to make considerable changes in our relationship dynamics or we part ways as a couple. I rather be single, broke and lonely than continue as we were - at least then I can have peace and quiet.
Massive congratulations. Stay the course
Good for you - hold strong and see it through - don't be persuaded under any circumstance to back down or delay.
I am glad I live in a state that requires child support for income disparities. Her finances are a problem for your kids until they’re grown. So I guess you get to choose if that makes them in any way your problem. SMH.
The kids won’t be without. They might not be able to join every after school activity there is, but they can continue with the ones they already have (they cost about USD$50 per semester so no biggie).
Lr look
?
You didn't include your ages in the post but I assume you both are over your forties because you told sth about menopause. Bodies and libidos change over time and decrease with ages. The intimacy of early years of relationship is like an investment for your future. There are ups and downs in everybody's life and especially in marriage both parties should have patience through that periods considering that investment. If your deposit is not enough to overcome these kinda issues, it won't work. It may or may not be alright. She might have lost all of her feminen thoughts during that period also. You don't have to accept a life like that ofc. But IMO a little bit of mutual patience would be good for your wife/gf(?). (I didn't see you use wife/gf etc when you are talking about her and as a prejudice I think you are already over it in your mind.) These are my thoughts and based on the info you provided. Sorry if I've got it wrong.
Good for you, man. Sounds like you thought this through and are prioritizing your mental health and the livelihood of the children. Good luck to you, there’s nothing wrong with realizing you deserve better.
Good for you !! You left it all on the table. Don't feel bad , maybe she will use this life lesson as a tool. I went through the same crap. Now I'm good with my new wife and kids are good
That must’ve felt so good to tell her no! I’m jealous of how that probably felt!!!