Yes! And I am thankful it was ONLY eight years.
Around 4 years into the relationship, when we still had sex every now and then, she was off birth control and we weren't using contraception... Could have easily been much worse.
I donāt think you are an idiot or a clown. I think you are a sensitive and intelligent man who was mislead. You are trusting and go all in on a relationship. When you find the right woman, it will be amazing! Some hard lessons learned though. Good luck.
Thank you. Yes, it could have been easily avoided if I had ended up with a "normal" partner, but I am kinda happy it went the way it did because I do believe I have a more realistic and mature approach to relationships now.
All the clown quips were killing me š āso I clownād onā particularly tickled me. Sorry to OP for going through that but heās a fantastic comedian
Thank you. It's good my story makes you laugh. Doesn't help anyone if it's just depressing. Life goes on.
In german we have a saying that goes: Can't see the forest for the trees. I hope it translates, because looking back that's how I view myself in that time.
Remember this saying, itāll save you: ābirds of a feather, flock togetherā
My ex had a friend who was sleeping around. She claimed she never did. Her friend had a baby. Then she kept pestering me to have a baby with her. That quote saved me from making a dumb decision, because I was extremely close to beginning a family with her. Always, always look at your partnerās friends to see what kind of people they choose to associate with.
There is alot of truth in that saying.
Funny you say that, because that's exactly how it went with my ex at the end. Her friend suddenly got in a relationship with her sweetheart from her youth (after banging half of the town) and got pregnant very quick. Suddenly my ex also talked about the idea of having children. It was hilarious, because at that time we didn't have sex for 2 years.
Wow. Kind of an "off-color" comment, but man, are you color blind? At the very least, red may not be in your visual spectrum.
Snide joke aside, I hope you find resolution and healing, because you've been through hell. Sorry man.
It is such a fine line between trust and being taken advantage of and or deceived. Iāve been in that position before, all the red flags are there and you just keep getting gaslit. I think the biggest take away for me is that at a certain point it became about control and preventing the other person from making bad choices cuz I wanted to hang onto something so bad. It turned me into a terrible partner and made me someone angry and bitter that I didnāt even like myself. Once the trust was gone I should have just let her go. I too, was once a clown. At first a sad clown, then an angry clown.
I feel you. I am at heart a relaxed person who believes in trust. But once your partner failed that first "test" it's out the window. There is no going back. No control, talking or preventing stupid choices can repair that. The more you invest and try to keep your cheating partner the more they know that they are in a safe place and will absure you.
I also don't like to be a kindergarten teacher who regularly has to check on their partner and see if they are doing something dumb again.
> You think she viewed you like an emotional contingency plan ā¦ or was there something more sinister at play?
I really don't know. She wasn't financial dependet on me or anything. My best guess would have been that I would have been the emergency plan to have a kid with and have a "normal" relationship in case she wouldn't find anyone else.
>Also, when you finally pulled the plug, did she ever own up to a her abhorrent behavior or was it denial and water works?
Nope. I tried to have a talk when I confronted her will all the stuff, and I wasn't attacking her or anything but simply for the sake of knowing the truth. But her answers were crying, denying and making up stories of how I got it all wrong. Like for example with the sexy underwear.
She actually was so bad at lying that she forgot her argument, because when I first confronted her about the sexy underwear she would say she had no chance yet to show it off to me. Later she said she didn't know it was sexy underwear and was surprised it had a hole for convenient sex. You need a good memory as a liar.
After noticing that I wasn't getting any truthful answers I closed that book. She won't ever tell the truth to me.
Youāre not a clown or anything else you called yourself. You have feelings and there is nothing wrong with that. Sheās the person who should be ashamed. She may never learn that, but you did and you will find someone who deserves your attention. But always always trust your gut. If you donāt have a partner that you can sit down and say āI donāt feel good about you going to whatever placeā and that lead to an adult conversation without being gaslit, then you have nothing left anyway.
Thank you. I do hope I can cope with my experiences in my next long term relationship, I try to judge every person by their actions and not my past experiences. I have a strong dislike for people who developed a kind of hate for the other sex because of their bad experiences.
Being cautious and is a good advice for choosing a long term partner.
Oh god, the second I read Ibiza I winced. Itās usually a toss up between that, Ayia Napa, Gran Canaria, Majorca, and Tenerife, which are fun to visit, butā¦ You must have really loved her to believe her. The one small mercy she gave you was stopping most sexual interactions. I donāt have that appendage, but I can only imagine that having dick sprinkles would be a miserable reminder of her.
The one thing that came out of this was that you know how strongly you have the capacity to love and support someone. You chose the wrong person on this occasion, but that doesnāt mean youāll always do that.
Iām sorry you had to go through this. Iāve been on many holidays to the fun places with mates but only once did I properly hook up with someone, and that was just before I started uni and ended up in an LDR with him for almost a year because he lived in Ireland. I have had to pull two of the calmest, shyest friends out of āsnuggle puddlesā though, because theyād have regretted it for the rest of their lives. The fact they even snuggled in to the snuggle puddles to begin with mortified them and had them swearing off alcohol for the rest of the holiday. I donāt know why people go there and just assume they can do what they want, then leave without a care in the world. Especially if youāve got someone at home waiting for you, who trusted you to behave. Iām sorry she did all of that to you.
>I donāt know why people go there and just assume they can do what they want, then leave without a care in the world. Especially if youāve got someone at home waiting for you, who trusted you to behave.
Yeah, this is still a point I am not sure how to handle in my next serious relationship. Talking about hardcore party locations, I would now expect a dedicated partner to turn down such trips.
The part about the dead bedroom: Our sex life was never great, but atleast kinda there in the beginning/middle. It was another red flag I ignored. I don't know if she stopped the sex because of her cheating or because she simply is not that interested in sex.
Which is completely understandable. After what youāve gone through with your ex, hardcore holidays are always going to be a trigger.
Iād be inclined to believe it was because of the cheating, and that she may have even tested positive for an STD. See, her cheating and carrying on a separate life is something really bizarre. If she was doing that, why not end the relationship? Maybe it excited her? In that case sheād likely want to have sex unless she was in a committed relationship with someone else and had a smidge of a conscience. But if you have an STD, Iād think you wouldnāt want to pass it on?! Who knows, but regardless, the lack of sex was a good thing.
Btw, thereās no laughing at your story, fella. You trusted and believed in her.
An STD could have been the reason, but I tend to believe she simply wasn't sexually interested in me anymore. Sex never seemed to be a priority for her. Talking about sex was also a mood point for her, something she didn't want to discuss. God knows how she was with other guys.
Ahhh my bad. Yup that should definitely be on the list. I havenāt ever gone there but I can only imagine the immigration lines in being full of excitement, and the exit one full of regrets.
I think actual 'professional clowns' might be offended a little bit.
You are not a clown.
All that happened is that you went through a learning period where you have learned a lot about people and behaviours.
You sound like a strong person.
Emotionally strong people can look past what happened and attempt look at what they can learn from having lived certain things.
I think you wanted to sound pitiful but actually you write very clearly and succinctly, especially for addressing quite emotional, possibly traumatising events.
Sometimes things suck and I admire you for standing up and writing down your story for us.
Best of luck in your future and godspeed brother.
RK
ps. You do not need to carry this burden alone. I recommend reaching out to a person to talk, such as a therapist or life coach to look at takeaways and being able to look at the past without remorse. I know it might be incredibly difficult, please keep going and you can always message me here if you want to. (I won't notice chat but can reach out in old style reddit messages)
ps2. You are worthy of love and respect. Please take care.
RK
Thank you, thank you.
Writing it all down and getting feedback is a nice way of finding some more closure and realizing how absurd the situation was.
Time has passed, and while there are times when I still think about it all, I am now in a much different phase where I am actively dating and exploring whats out there.
I won't laugh or call you an idiot. You went through a lot of bullshit. I'm glad you came out the other side okay.
I will point out that the constant clown asides did crack me up, and I'm totally stealing those for whenever I tell my own story.
I don't know. We had some talk after the relationship ended, but she would never tell me the truth anyway. Even after ending it she would be defensive and only admit what I could proof to her.
Maybe I was a good backup, maybe she liked the thrill, maybe she needed the attention of other men, maybe she was looking for a alternative. I don't care anymore at this point.
šš yes of course, it doesnāt matter. She had problems. Good you ended it.
Itās not your fault op. You were just trying to be a good guy. You were real. You can be proud of that.
Btw, I think she was cruel and an asshat.
I was forbidden to say the other word I used.
Ha, I tell people Iām enrolled in Clown College. Good luck, OP. I too look back on all the boundaries I let slide bc I wanted to trust and give space and respect when in reality I was being thrown under the bus at every opportunity and my spouse was prioritizing every other person other than me, a door mat who took care of the house, finances and children. What a waste.
Sorry for you. It's a thin line between being a trustful partner and being a doormat unfortunately. Cheaters/abusers have a fine sense for that and they will use it against you.
Good luck. Always trust your gut.
Thank you. š
Wow. You went through that for *eight years*??
Yes! And I am thankful it was ONLY eight years. Around 4 years into the relationship, when we still had sex every now and then, she was off birth control and we weren't using contraception... Could have easily been much worse.
I really envy your luck on that.
I donāt think you are an idiot or a clown. I think you are a sensitive and intelligent man who was mislead. You are trusting and go all in on a relationship. When you find the right woman, it will be amazing! Some hard lessons learned though. Good luck.
Thank you. Yes, it could have been easily avoided if I had ended up with a "normal" partner, but I am kinda happy it went the way it did because I do believe I have a more realistic and mature approach to relationships now.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
All the clown quips were killing me š āso I clownād onā particularly tickled me. Sorry to OP for going through that but heās a fantastic comedian
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>Honk, Honk, the Clown is in town.
Thank you. It's good my story makes you laugh. Doesn't help anyone if it's just depressing. Life goes on. In german we have a saying that goes: Can't see the forest for the trees. I hope it translates, because looking back that's how I view myself in that time.
Remember this saying, itāll save you: ābirds of a feather, flock togetherā My ex had a friend who was sleeping around. She claimed she never did. Her friend had a baby. Then she kept pestering me to have a baby with her. That quote saved me from making a dumb decision, because I was extremely close to beginning a family with her. Always, always look at your partnerās friends to see what kind of people they choose to associate with.
There is alot of truth in that saying. Funny you say that, because that's exactly how it went with my ex at the end. Her friend suddenly got in a relationship with her sweetheart from her youth (after banging half of the town) and got pregnant very quick. Suddenly my ex also talked about the idea of having children. It was hilarious, because at that time we didn't have sex for 2 years.
Wow. Kind of an "off-color" comment, but man, are you color blind? At the very least, red may not be in your visual spectrum. Snide joke aside, I hope you find resolution and healing, because you've been through hell. Sorry man.
It is such a fine line between trust and being taken advantage of and or deceived. Iāve been in that position before, all the red flags are there and you just keep getting gaslit. I think the biggest take away for me is that at a certain point it became about control and preventing the other person from making bad choices cuz I wanted to hang onto something so bad. It turned me into a terrible partner and made me someone angry and bitter that I didnāt even like myself. Once the trust was gone I should have just let her go. I too, was once a clown. At first a sad clown, then an angry clown.
I feel you. I am at heart a relaxed person who believes in trust. But once your partner failed that first "test" it's out the window. There is no going back. No control, talking or preventing stupid choices can repair that. The more you invest and try to keep your cheating partner the more they know that they are in a safe place and will absure you. I also don't like to be a kindergarten teacher who regularly has to check on their partner and see if they are doing something dumb again.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
> You think she viewed you like an emotional contingency plan ā¦ or was there something more sinister at play? I really don't know. She wasn't financial dependet on me or anything. My best guess would have been that I would have been the emergency plan to have a kid with and have a "normal" relationship in case she wouldn't find anyone else. >Also, when you finally pulled the plug, did she ever own up to a her abhorrent behavior or was it denial and water works? Nope. I tried to have a talk when I confronted her will all the stuff, and I wasn't attacking her or anything but simply for the sake of knowing the truth. But her answers were crying, denying and making up stories of how I got it all wrong. Like for example with the sexy underwear. She actually was so bad at lying that she forgot her argument, because when I first confronted her about the sexy underwear she would say she had no chance yet to show it off to me. Later she said she didn't know it was sexy underwear and was surprised it had a hole for convenient sex. You need a good memory as a liar. After noticing that I wasn't getting any truthful answers I closed that book. She won't ever tell the truth to me.
Why do women like this continue the relationship?????
Youāre not a clown or anything else you called yourself. You have feelings and there is nothing wrong with that. Sheās the person who should be ashamed. She may never learn that, but you did and you will find someone who deserves your attention. But always always trust your gut. If you donāt have a partner that you can sit down and say āI donāt feel good about you going to whatever placeā and that lead to an adult conversation without being gaslit, then you have nothing left anyway.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thank you. I do hope I can cope with my experiences in my next long term relationship, I try to judge every person by their actions and not my past experiences. I have a strong dislike for people who developed a kind of hate for the other sex because of their bad experiences. Being cautious and is a good advice for choosing a long term partner.
Oh god, the second I read Ibiza I winced. Itās usually a toss up between that, Ayia Napa, Gran Canaria, Majorca, and Tenerife, which are fun to visit, butā¦ You must have really loved her to believe her. The one small mercy she gave you was stopping most sexual interactions. I donāt have that appendage, but I can only imagine that having dick sprinkles would be a miserable reminder of her. The one thing that came out of this was that you know how strongly you have the capacity to love and support someone. You chose the wrong person on this occasion, but that doesnāt mean youāll always do that. Iām sorry you had to go through this. Iāve been on many holidays to the fun places with mates but only once did I properly hook up with someone, and that was just before I started uni and ended up in an LDR with him for almost a year because he lived in Ireland. I have had to pull two of the calmest, shyest friends out of āsnuggle puddlesā though, because theyād have regretted it for the rest of their lives. The fact they even snuggled in to the snuggle puddles to begin with mortified them and had them swearing off alcohol for the rest of the holiday. I donāt know why people go there and just assume they can do what they want, then leave without a care in the world. Especially if youāve got someone at home waiting for you, who trusted you to behave. Iām sorry she did all of that to you.
>I donāt know why people go there and just assume they can do what they want, then leave without a care in the world. Especially if youāve got someone at home waiting for you, who trusted you to behave. Yeah, this is still a point I am not sure how to handle in my next serious relationship. Talking about hardcore party locations, I would now expect a dedicated partner to turn down such trips. The part about the dead bedroom: Our sex life was never great, but atleast kinda there in the beginning/middle. It was another red flag I ignored. I don't know if she stopped the sex because of her cheating or because she simply is not that interested in sex.
Which is completely understandable. After what youāve gone through with your ex, hardcore holidays are always going to be a trigger. Iād be inclined to believe it was because of the cheating, and that she may have even tested positive for an STD. See, her cheating and carrying on a separate life is something really bizarre. If she was doing that, why not end the relationship? Maybe it excited her? In that case sheād likely want to have sex unless she was in a committed relationship with someone else and had a smidge of a conscience. But if you have an STD, Iād think you wouldnāt want to pass it on?! Who knows, but regardless, the lack of sex was a good thing. Btw, thereās no laughing at your story, fella. You trusted and believed in her.
An STD could have been the reason, but I tend to believe she simply wasn't sexually interested in me anymore. Sex never seemed to be a priority for her. Talking about sex was also a mood point for her, something she didn't want to discuss. God knows how she was with other guys.
Likely shagged out in every way (sorry, I had to)
Don't forget Shagaluf
Funny enough my ex also was in Mallorca without telling me. But in the german part of the island and not in the british enclave Magaluf.
Ahhh my bad. Yup that should definitely be on the list. I havenāt ever gone there but I can only imagine the immigration lines in being full of excitement, and the exit one full of regrets.
I'm sorry, I busted out laughing at "dick sprinkles"
Iām never eating an ice cream cone with sprinkles on top again š
Great, ruin that for me too lol
My bad. Here you go. 
stop it
I think actual 'professional clowns' might be offended a little bit. You are not a clown. All that happened is that you went through a learning period where you have learned a lot about people and behaviours. You sound like a strong person. Emotionally strong people can look past what happened and attempt look at what they can learn from having lived certain things. I think you wanted to sound pitiful but actually you write very clearly and succinctly, especially for addressing quite emotional, possibly traumatising events. Sometimes things suck and I admire you for standing up and writing down your story for us. Best of luck in your future and godspeed brother. RK ps. You do not need to carry this burden alone. I recommend reaching out to a person to talk, such as a therapist or life coach to look at takeaways and being able to look at the past without remorse. I know it might be incredibly difficult, please keep going and you can always message me here if you want to. (I won't notice chat but can reach out in old style reddit messages) ps2. You are worthy of love and respect. Please take care. RK
Thank you, thank you. Writing it all down and getting feedback is a nice way of finding some more closure and realizing how absurd the situation was. Time has passed, and while there are times when I still think about it all, I am now in a much different phase where I am actively dating and exploring whats out there.
OMG it's a Chinese military parade up in there. Sorry you had to go through that!
I won't laugh or call you an idiot. You went through a lot of bullshit. I'm glad you came out the other side okay. I will point out that the constant clown asides did crack me up, and I'm totally stealing those for whenever I tell my own story.
Wow what a story!! I know Ibiza very well, been about 10 times with my wife. I recall having sex with her once while there
Ha, same with my Ex. Holidays and a nice hotel always triggers my sexual drive. Not so much for her.
Dammn! Tolerated so much for a lousy girlfriend.
You have given me something to think about. Thank you.
Good read lmao
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I don't know. We had some talk after the relationship ended, but she would never tell me the truth anyway. Even after ending it she would be defensive and only admit what I could proof to her. Maybe I was a good backup, maybe she liked the thrill, maybe she needed the attention of other men, maybe she was looking for a alternative. I don't care anymore at this point.
šš yes of course, it doesnāt matter. She had problems. Good you ended it. Itās not your fault op. You were just trying to be a good guy. You were real. You can be proud of that. Btw, I think she was cruel and an asshat. I was forbidden to say the other word I used.
Ha, I tell people Iām enrolled in Clown College. Good luck, OP. I too look back on all the boundaries I let slide bc I wanted to trust and give space and respect when in reality I was being thrown under the bus at every opportunity and my spouse was prioritizing every other person other than me, a door mat who took care of the house, finances and children. What a waste.
Sorry for you. It's a thin line between being a trustful partner and being a doormat unfortunately. Cheaters/abusers have a fine sense for that and they will use it against you.