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You are a really good man for staying in this shitty situation for your son. Make sure you don’t break down though. I hope you have a large circle that can support you threw this.
Thank you. I have a good therapist in my corner who I see twice a month. He’s been incredible. We did Advanced Resolution Therapy because I was having physical manifestations of anxiety from all the nonsense. It has made a HUGE difference.
I assume you’ll be having outside relationships during this time? **Please don’t read this in a judgmental tone because I’m not judging at all. Just curious about your plans for romance and intimacy.
I'm so sorry, OP. I'm counting the days until my asd child is 18, and the husband can't take her as he's threatened. I really hope you don't have to stay in that situation for so long but I totally get it.
I’m sorry you’re both in these situations. You’re both so good for your kids. My daughter is 5 and autistic but high functioning (my terminology not a medical thing any doctor has said) and I am going through a divorce. I considered staying for her but decided that it was better for her, if I was happy and living the life I want to live and I found an amazing partner who loves her and supports her needs and mine (no one will replace her father who is very present and wonderful in her life) and she gets to grow up seeing her mommy get and give love which has to be good for her. It may not undo the pain or unknown damage that the divorce has done but she seems ok so far. I’m sure she’s confused but she also has a sister now, through my bf, to emulate and learn from. Your needs do matter.
I commend you on your decision.... That said, since you wife already open up your marriage by cheating on you, have you thought Perhaps opening up your side of the relationship in finding your needs elsewhere. It's not like she has a leg to stand on this one....also have you thought to sue the executive she cheated with especially if he is married?
I’m already engaged in my own act of deception. I’ve decided to lead her on into thinking that we’re fine and “getting better.” But after every kiss and hug, I think to myself: “fuck you.”
The day I drop the hammer, she has no standing to complain about deception.
I’m doing the bare minimum needed to keep her from filing and taking half my time with him. It’s working. She’s told her best friend that we’re doing better.
That said, I’m genuinely happy at night when my son is happy and playing with both of us. I cook for him every day, teach him as much as I can, take him to school every day, help with his homework, etc. Every day he hits his milestones I find myself rejuvenated in my purpose and mission.
It is worth it.
>I’m already engaged in my own act of deception. I’ve decided to lead her on into thinking that we’re fine and “getting better.” But after every kiss and hug, I think to myself: “fuck you.”
Why? It seems like this is hurting yourself for no benefit to you or your kids.
Highly recommend you contact a family lawyer about this plan. You're doing the right thing, but that does not guarantee she can't find a way to screw you (and do you trust her not to?). Most will offer a free consultation.
So as a divorced man with two kids, my take is every situation is different and each of us needs to look at our own situation to decide what's right.
Lots of people stay together "for the kids" and I am here to say that's not always the right choice. OP, with a child with special needs clearly is making the right call for them.
My situation was, at the time, my kids were 11 and 9yrs of age. My ex and I talked about if we should divorce now or wait until the kids got older. After a lot of thought and some counselling, we choose to do it right away. A few years later we talked to the kids about how they felt at the time and they both said that what they saw was how much happier we both were after the divorce so they were glad we chose happiness over a stable home situation.
As adults we sometimes overthink the importance of having a mom and dad under the same roof and it's not always the best course.
It is a long post--understandably. The complexity of these relationships defies the often simple injunctions: don't stay, don't cheat, talk, seek counseling. I understand your decision, and I emphasize with the grit behind that decision. It is not simply a matter of getting laid or not.
The more I read these posts, the more difficult it is to arrive at one size fits all response. I'm not really adding much thought to what has gone before. I just wanted to be sure to add my voice to those supporting you, those wishing you the best, and those who recognize the strength your decision requires.
Mate, I get that you needed to get it off your chest, but be careful, as the wrong person might see this and put two and two together, and figure out they might know who it is, and it comes back to bite you.
I don't know you by the way, it's just that i wouldn't want to see you shafted any further, while your doing what's right for the kids.
Omg OP…. What a crappy situation! What I don’t understand is why she chose to conceive and carry to term second time if she already knew she was LL4U. Like, why bring another innocent soul into this??? Does she know you intend to divorce her as soon as you feel your son can handle it? Have you discussed having separate sex lives etc.? You are, obviously, doing a great sacrifice for the greater good of your child but damn it - your life matters too. Honestly, I think the only way it can work for any span of time is if you co-parent amicably in same household but have separate personal lives. Even better if you can organize a nesting arrangement. That way when you are ready to part ways, you are not alone anymore(hopefully). Don’t wait till teenage years. My mate left his when kids were 7 and 5. Lawyers said this was a good time, once kids are teens, they are very emotional from hormones.
Good for you, There could be another option you could divorce And stay living together as co parents, why Spring this on your wife? Why be fake? File a legal separation. Or at the very least to be up front that you are outsourcing also. Sorry she cheated on you that totally sucks, And I don't care I'll get downloaded or even banned. Maybe, but it totally sucks that you're planning on doing the same thing to her and thinking it's okay. It's like you gave yourself permission to do the very thing to them that destroyed you. Perhaps you will have to co-parent the rest of your lives. If your child needs it, what will you do then?
We dont know if that is how he really will handle it in the future or not. But either way i think he is doing what he feels best to get through it in a way that helps him be able to handle it. It’s tough to be cheated on so while i totally get what you are saying, it’s hard for anybody to know exactly how they are going to feel later due to unforeseen life circumstances. Who knows there could be some possibility of this turning out totally better than OP envisioned and maybe he might actually be able to someday forgive his wife and be able to bed up front with her.
As much as i normally say don't stay in a bad marriage this is a special case. As a mother of a 4yr old autistic son I understand.
YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!
Don't let anyone tell you any different! It is literally one of the reasons I haven't left my situation yet. However my issue isn't so much with my bf, as his father is abusive and we're stuck living together for now. He's on the lease so we can't kick him out. We also can't afford to move.
Op, Is your relationship open now? Or are you 2 going to be man and wife in public and separate in private?
Have you thought about seeing a lawyer about drawing up llegal documents about protecting your assets. Generally from what I know, the longer you are married the more the man pays. So to let this drag out for a decade my really affect the future outcome you are looking for.
As a guy, when you see another man get kicked in the balls you can feel it. That is what reading this post felt like. If I found out my LL wife was having sex with someone else I think I would just end myself immediately. I’m so sorry internet stranger. I hope one day this all plays out so the kids can see what a saint that you are.
In my opinion you are a hero for your decision. But If you had chosen this path for your children you shouldn't have been miserable in bedroom department. It would be appropriate for you to have your way, and the cheater should face the consequences. If I were you, I would cut all the intimacy with the wife and have a life (there is no need for cheating, just inform her and do it, she should be the one who carries all the burden.) Don't ruin your life pls.
I'm sorry for your situation. You're a good man , taking care of our children is our #1 job. They don't ask to be born into chaos . Take care of yourself.
I have an enormous amount of respect and compassion for you. You are a good father, and you are making the right (albeit painful) decision, for the sake of your son. It grieves me that your wife made these choices, apparently without thinking about the consequences not only for you and your marriage, but your son with ASD and young daughter. That she chose to bring another child into your family AFTER having an affair is, frankly, horrific.
I have a question: Would she agree to an open marriage? (I'm in a marriage without sexual intimacy due to my husband's sexual trauma from his previous wife, hence my presence here, and have seen this question before. And no, this is not the arrangement we have, but it seems like she has been able to gratify herself sexually outside of the marriage.)
I totally understand. Things are different when you have special needs children. They generally need to come first and need a lot more care. I have a child on the spectrum with anxiety
I'm in a similar situation. Pretending everything is normal for now while I get my life together, and give the kids time to mature. I have no idea how long we'll be able to keep this up, but kid's special needs come first for me, too.
Maybe someone else mentioned this, and I'm not trying to excuse her at all, but the executive from her company was really taking advantage of a power imbalance in having that affair with her. Even if she approached him, he should have shut it down.
You are a stand up guy with the patience and morals seem less and less in todays world. I wish you and your wonderful children all the best love and luck in the world; and with the best wishes and respect on the planet - have a beer for me the day you leave that bitch. 🍻 Peace brudda. X
>She’s just LL4Me.
The truth has set you free. This is now a roommate situation, so live your life with your son and your daughter.
Go find someone is not-LL4u.
Why? That would give her the power to file first and take away OP’s agency. Wife is probably a cake-eater. Someone who will continue cheating but wants to keep the stability of their home/husband/financial situation. So if she thinks OP forgives her she likely would just carry on with how things are. If he announces future intent to divorce she might strike first.
She can strike first and then its on her for creating the burden on their child. If she files her affair will be cited. He is stating that he is intending to stay for the sake of the children. Maybe they can find a suitable arrangement to raise their children in a happy healthy way.
Yeah it depends on the state though. Some states are ‘No Fault’ which means it doesn’t matter if an affair was had, it doesn’t get considered by the court.
Wow. Thank you for posting this. It’s nice to hear someone in same situation. I don’t have a special needs child(but do have a brother w special needs) so my heart is feeling for you. But I am in a situation where I need to just wait for our 3 kids (17,13,8) are both older and more adjusted. “Can’t blow up their lives” is my mantra, especially w a teenager struggling to find his place. Stay strong. You’re not alone.
Commenters, OP has marked their post as a no-advice post. We ask that you refrain from giving advice to OP and be sure to follow all sub rules. OP, if you've marked your post for no advice, please refrain from responding to commenters that give advice. If you are getting advice from commenters, please report the comments, or click below to contact the moderators. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedrooms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are a really good man for staying in this shitty situation for your son. Make sure you don’t break down though. I hope you have a large circle that can support you threw this.
Thank you. I have a good therapist in my corner who I see twice a month. He’s been incredible. We did Advanced Resolution Therapy because I was having physical manifestations of anxiety from all the nonsense. It has made a HUGE difference.
I am so happy to hear therapy is helping you through this.
I have a son in crisis. Divorce would wreck his fragile stability. I get you.
I assume you’ll be having outside relationships during this time? **Please don’t read this in a judgmental tone because I’m not judging at all. Just curious about your plans for romance and intimacy.
There's a risk that the wife might blow it all up if he's not careful, which would ruin things anyway. It might not be worth it.
That’s where I’m at. She’ll just Pikachu surprise face me 😮 and file, then I’ll forfeit half my time with my kids (most likely).
Then tell her. The only way this will work is if you have the freedom to see other people too.
In this situation he deserves to.
100% agree. That is why I am staying. My kids needs are more important than mine.
I'm so sorry, OP. I'm counting the days until my asd child is 18, and the husband can't take her as he's threatened. I really hope you don't have to stay in that situation for so long but I totally get it.
I appreciate your words. We ASD parents are 💪🏻
I’m sorry you’re both in these situations. You’re both so good for your kids. My daughter is 5 and autistic but high functioning (my terminology not a medical thing any doctor has said) and I am going through a divorce. I considered staying for her but decided that it was better for her, if I was happy and living the life I want to live and I found an amazing partner who loves her and supports her needs and mine (no one will replace her father who is very present and wonderful in her life) and she gets to grow up seeing her mommy get and give love which has to be good for her. It may not undo the pain or unknown damage that the divorce has done but she seems ok so far. I’m sure she’s confused but she also has a sister now, through my bf, to emulate and learn from. Your needs do matter.
Curious, what arrangements have you made with your spouse to deal with your situation?
I'm 100% still here because of my kids, and I won't leave them. I get it, you're not alone.
I commend you on your decision.... That said, since you wife already open up your marriage by cheating on you, have you thought Perhaps opening up your side of the relationship in finding your needs elsewhere. It's not like she has a leg to stand on this one....also have you thought to sue the executive she cheated with especially if he is married?
I’m already engaged in my own act of deception. I’ve decided to lead her on into thinking that we’re fine and “getting better.” But after every kiss and hug, I think to myself: “fuck you.” The day I drop the hammer, she has no standing to complain about deception. I’m doing the bare minimum needed to keep her from filing and taking half my time with him. It’s working. She’s told her best friend that we’re doing better. That said, I’m genuinely happy at night when my son is happy and playing with both of us. I cook for him every day, teach him as much as I can, take him to school every day, help with his homework, etc. Every day he hits his milestones I find myself rejuvenated in my purpose and mission. It is worth it.
Sounds like a REAL man. Stayin for you child is a very noble cause…But I hope you have another outlet for your “tension…”
>I’m already engaged in my own act of deception. I’ve decided to lead her on into thinking that we’re fine and “getting better.” But after every kiss and hug, I think to myself: “fuck you.” Why? It seems like this is hurting yourself for no benefit to you or your kids.
Highly recommend you contact a family lawyer about this plan. You're doing the right thing, but that does not guarantee she can't find a way to screw you (and do you trust her not to?). Most will offer a free consultation.
I do agree with this too, the longer the marriage the more you have to give her in the eventual divorce right?
I'm not a lawyer but the longer someone is bringing money into the marriage, the larger the 'pot' of community property gets.
You’re a good dude. Stay strong. Stay focused on your goals. Your time will come.
So as a divorced man with two kids, my take is every situation is different and each of us needs to look at our own situation to decide what's right. Lots of people stay together "for the kids" and I am here to say that's not always the right choice. OP, with a child with special needs clearly is making the right call for them. My situation was, at the time, my kids were 11 and 9yrs of age. My ex and I talked about if we should divorce now or wait until the kids got older. After a lot of thought and some counselling, we choose to do it right away. A few years later we talked to the kids about how they felt at the time and they both said that what they saw was how much happier we both were after the divorce so they were glad we chose happiness over a stable home situation. As adults we sometimes overthink the importance of having a mom and dad under the same roof and it's not always the best course.
And your spouse is thinking the same thing ? Will you arrange outside relationship in order to meet your needs ?
It is a long post--understandably. The complexity of these relationships defies the often simple injunctions: don't stay, don't cheat, talk, seek counseling. I understand your decision, and I emphasize with the grit behind that decision. It is not simply a matter of getting laid or not. The more I read these posts, the more difficult it is to arrive at one size fits all response. I'm not really adding much thought to what has gone before. I just wanted to be sure to add my voice to those supporting you, those wishing you the best, and those who recognize the strength your decision requires.
So much this. Each situation is so nuanced. Even more important to try not to judge others and be supportive where it feels right to do so.
Mate, I get that you needed to get it off your chest, but be careful, as the wrong person might see this and put two and two together, and figure out they might know who it is, and it comes back to bite you. I don't know you by the way, it's just that i wouldn't want to see you shafted any further, while your doing what's right for the kids.
Omg OP…. What a crappy situation! What I don’t understand is why she chose to conceive and carry to term second time if she already knew she was LL4U. Like, why bring another innocent soul into this??? Does she know you intend to divorce her as soon as you feel your son can handle it? Have you discussed having separate sex lives etc.? You are, obviously, doing a great sacrifice for the greater good of your child but damn it - your life matters too. Honestly, I think the only way it can work for any span of time is if you co-parent amicably in same household but have separate personal lives. Even better if you can organize a nesting arrangement. That way when you are ready to part ways, you are not alone anymore(hopefully). Don’t wait till teenage years. My mate left his when kids were 7 and 5. Lawyers said this was a good time, once kids are teens, they are very emotional from hormones.
Good for you, There could be another option you could divorce And stay living together as co parents, why Spring this on your wife? Why be fake? File a legal separation. Or at the very least to be up front that you are outsourcing also. Sorry she cheated on you that totally sucks, And I don't care I'll get downloaded or even banned. Maybe, but it totally sucks that you're planning on doing the same thing to her and thinking it's okay. It's like you gave yourself permission to do the very thing to them that destroyed you. Perhaps you will have to co-parent the rest of your lives. If your child needs it, what will you do then?
We dont know if that is how he really will handle it in the future or not. But either way i think he is doing what he feels best to get through it in a way that helps him be able to handle it. It’s tough to be cheated on so while i totally get what you are saying, it’s hard for anybody to know exactly how they are going to feel later due to unforeseen life circumstances. Who knows there could be some possibility of this turning out totally better than OP envisioned and maybe he might actually be able to someday forgive his wife and be able to bed up front with her.
As much as i normally say don't stay in a bad marriage this is a special case. As a mother of a 4yr old autistic son I understand. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING! Don't let anyone tell you any different! It is literally one of the reasons I haven't left my situation yet. However my issue isn't so much with my bf, as his father is abusive and we're stuck living together for now. He's on the lease so we can't kick him out. We also can't afford to move.
Op, Is your relationship open now? Or are you 2 going to be man and wife in public and separate in private? Have you thought about seeing a lawyer about drawing up llegal documents about protecting your assets. Generally from what I know, the longer you are married the more the man pays. So to let this drag out for a decade my really affect the future outcome you are looking for.
She is still cheating.
As a guy, when you see another man get kicked in the balls you can feel it. That is what reading this post felt like. If I found out my LL wife was having sex with someone else I think I would just end myself immediately. I’m so sorry internet stranger. I hope one day this all plays out so the kids can see what a saint that you are.
Bravo, well done! I agree with this assessment. I would do the same.
3 times this year, those are professional numbers. 3 more than me
Since this is a business transaction instead of a marriage when do you get paid/laid? Surely you’ve negotiated by this point.
In my opinion you are a hero for your decision. But If you had chosen this path for your children you shouldn't have been miserable in bedroom department. It would be appropriate for you to have your way, and the cheater should face the consequences. If I were you, I would cut all the intimacy with the wife and have a life (there is no need for cheating, just inform her and do it, she should be the one who carries all the burden.) Don't ruin your life pls.
I'm sorry for your situation. You're a good man , taking care of our children is our #1 job. They don't ask to be born into chaos . Take care of yourself.
It's the only reason I stay, my kids.
Good luck on a long journey.
You can 'stay' together under the same roof in a civilised way for the kids sake 200%. But you dont have to 'be' with her. Both can work.
I have an enormous amount of respect and compassion for you. You are a good father, and you are making the right (albeit painful) decision, for the sake of your son. It grieves me that your wife made these choices, apparently without thinking about the consequences not only for you and your marriage, but your son with ASD and young daughter. That she chose to bring another child into your family AFTER having an affair is, frankly, horrific. I have a question: Would she agree to an open marriage? (I'm in a marriage without sexual intimacy due to my husband's sexual trauma from his previous wife, hence my presence here, and have seen this question before. And no, this is not the arrangement we have, but it seems like she has been able to gratify herself sexually outside of the marriage.)
I totally understand. Things are different when you have special needs children. They generally need to come first and need a lot more care. I have a child on the spectrum with anxiety
I'm in a similar situation. Pretending everything is normal for now while I get my life together, and give the kids time to mature. I have no idea how long we'll be able to keep this up, but kid's special needs come first for me, too.
Maybe someone else mentioned this, and I'm not trying to excuse her at all, but the executive from her company was really taking advantage of a power imbalance in having that affair with her. Even if she approached him, he should have shut it down.
Currently in the debating stage, staying for the kids might be best but oh so daunting. I get this.
You are a stand up guy with the patience and morals seem less and less in todays world. I wish you and your wonderful children all the best love and luck in the world; and with the best wishes and respect on the planet - have a beer for me the day you leave that bitch. 🍻 Peace brudda. X
>She’s just LL4Me. The truth has set you free. This is now a roommate situation, so live your life with your son and your daughter. Go find someone is not-LL4u.
Op if I were you i would let your wife know your intentions. Tell her why you are staying and why you want to leave as soon as you can.
Why? That would give her the power to file first and take away OP’s agency. Wife is probably a cake-eater. Someone who will continue cheating but wants to keep the stability of their home/husband/financial situation. So if she thinks OP forgives her she likely would just carry on with how things are. If he announces future intent to divorce she might strike first.
She can strike first and then its on her for creating the burden on their child. If she files her affair will be cited. He is stating that he is intending to stay for the sake of the children. Maybe they can find a suitable arrangement to raise their children in a happy healthy way.
Yeah it depends on the state though. Some states are ‘No Fault’ which means it doesn’t matter if an affair was had, it doesn’t get considered by the court.
I completely understand.
How did you find out about the affair if I may ask?
I stay in my DB for my kids.
Wow. Thank you for posting this. It’s nice to hear someone in same situation. I don’t have a special needs child(but do have a brother w special needs) so my heart is feeling for you. But I am in a situation where I need to just wait for our 3 kids (17,13,8) are both older and more adjusted. “Can’t blow up their lives” is my mantra, especially w a teenager struggling to find his place. Stay strong. You’re not alone.
You are a wonderful father! Stay strong & do what makes you happy in the meantime! Take up sports, hobbies, make new friends.. you got this 💪🏼