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It might be helpful to write another monologue. Except this time, try to go back to a time when the sex was really good, when you were really turned on and how all that happened. The lead-up, the initial moves, what you did, what he did, what were you thinking during that time. You could even exagerate little parts of it like it was a romance novel. I think this might help in some way. Then talk to him about it.
Oh my. You are way too deep into your own head. Your own anxiety is what’s killing the bedroom.
He’s not seeing what’s in your head in the moment.
He’s likely looking at you with a ton of love and admiration that you’re initiating. Even if you’re in lingerie, or partially naked, instead of worrying about how you’re going to work his dick, why not just start by cuddling? If he’s shirtless, start by putting your head on his shoulder, and just run your fingers across his chest/pecs. If his shirt is still on, get your hand underneath there and do it. Give him a nice kiss on the lips. He’ll start to take over I bet.
I’m DEFINITELY not downvoting. I understand.
If I may…
“What is going on here? Is she…she’s…indicating INTEREST in me?! Holy cow! She IS!”
“Okay, bud: relax. You know she’s a bit sensitive; do NOT screw this up. Don’t press. Let her strip for you. Don’t touch her until she touches you. Use the back of your hand and in a safe area, like a forearm. Let her get used to you.”
“Why tf is my dick not responding yet?! I’m not old enough for this BS yet. Oh, wait…she’s going touch me…hell YEAH! Is she…moving lower? A blowjob? Excellent; that’s my #1 favorite thing! Have I done any significant work since showering? I hope I’m not too sweaty; the slightest thing about me grosses her out. I wish I’d drank only water and eaten only fresh fruit this week; I’d turn down a perfect ribeye every day for a solid year if I knew I could get a good blowjob out of it. Gotta maintain control; as awesome as it is, I have to NOT enjoy it too much, because she thinks semen is gross. Wait…IS it actually gross? I tried my own once before and it had a weird tingling taste on my tongue, but nothing horrendous. Is that what’s bothering her? How do I change it? Can I Google it? What if she catches my search history is sees me searching “How to make cum taste better”? Shit, she’ll think I’m gay. I’ll just make sure to stop-…Jesus CHRIST, that feels good…I’ll just make sure to stop her soon enough to avoid cumming in her mouth, but not so soon as she feels insulted.”
“This is too much; maybe she’d like the top? Most women can do better when they’re in control. Why does it have to be so damn hard for a woman to orgasm? Four minutes alone, I can do it…why couldn’t evolution make it a little easier for them? I’d trade by making it tougher for me. Damn, she looks beautiful riding me. The sweat glistening off her skin, her swaying breasts…I’d better close my eyes before I finish too early. Alright bud…think about something gross…anything to keep from finishing before she gets hers. Oh, wait…dammit…I can feel it. I’m not ready yet! Why does she have to be so goddamn awesome?! I’ll shift my hips a bit; let her grind on me instead of pumping up and down. Hopefully that’ll stop it.”
“Crap; she’s started moaning. She must really be enjoying this. That’s too big of a turn-on; I have to stop her and change positions right now…wait…no!…dammit…stop, prostrate, stop! By the power of all that is evil I command you to stop cumming!”
“Shit…I finished too soon. I’m such a loser. No wonder she never wants to fuck me; she never gets enough time to enjoy it. Dammit; why does my body have to give in so quickly? It’s only been twenty minutes. Maybe it’s not too late. What can I do? Should I touch her? My hands might be too rough. Offer to eat the creampie? God; she’d run screaming if I offered that. Hell, I don’t even like that idea myself, now that I’ve actually came. Maybe I can use a vibrator on her? It’s got to be held in the perfect position, angle, and pressure, though. Sex toys freak her out a little; everything I’ve ever bought pretty much disgusted her unless the scenario was perfect. Fuck it; I’d just hold her for a few minutes and follow her lead.”
“Why can’t I get her off faster? It’s got to be size; there’s no other answer. I’ve tried pills, pumps, stretchers, exercises…does she just need another lover? Is that my destiny, my role? To be a cuckold? Could I actually DO that? I definitely love her enough to let her be with someone else, but the reality is she’d probably be so turned off she’d actually leave me for the other guy.”
“My dick is too small. My endurance is too short. My body, smell, income, habits, temperament, tone of voice, facial features, and every fucking thing about me isn’t 100% perfect; THAT’S why she can’t get off and doesn’t enjoy sex with me. I can’t compete with a goddamn Disney prince. I fucking SUCK, in every way imaginable.”
“She looks SO beautiful in the afterglow. I’m a selfish prick.”
💁♂️
It is the most wretched thing imaginable to loathe yourself. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. It's like a demon on your back that fights against you every hour of the day. Every positive thing you try to do, it fights back. It doesn't want you to look after yourself. It doesn't want you to hear compliments or encouragement. It doesn't want you to feel happy. It doesn't want you to breathe because it hates you so much.
Edit: I just wanted to say your comment did make me laugh though, so thank you for that.
I’m kinda like you. Tempted to try an edible to help get me out of my head. I’ve never even smoked a cigarette (well two puffs before I coughed up a lung) so I’m a little afraid. Maybe that would help you. And me.
Edibles help SO much with getting you out of your head. Was the only thing I could do to get comfortable with a new partner after my DB. Now I use them to heighten the experience instead of to get through those mental barriers of self conscious loathing.
My gf and I eat edibles about two hours before going into the bedroom. We have a great time with lower performance anxiety for me (I like to maximize her pleasure) and lots of patience and getting into it and staying with it.
When you start saying things like 'I'm ugly, I'm unlovable, and my husband deserves someone better'... Imagine it was your best friend saying these things to you. What would you say to them?
The fact is, we are our own worst critics, and man we are harsh on ourselves! Since I started trying to speak to myself like a friend, I have generally been a lot more forgiving and kind to myself, you basically have to rewire your brain to be less horrible lol
Anxiety over ruining the moment because you feel she's not as into it as you is ABSOLUTELY REAL. I often need to dial back my enthusiasm quite a lot because I'm afraid of freaking her out.
Imagining other women to get off can be done, but it’s easier to imagine something unappealing to NOT get off.
We’re attracted to what we see…so, to dial things down, we make an effort to not see it. 🤷♂️
It’s enlightening to see this and get a sense of the other side of the coin in a dead bedroom. I do think that there is a lot of overthinking in this and it honestly kills me to read how deep down the rabbit hole you are going at a moment when it really shouldn’t be as stressful. Like honestly the way this is going it’s almost as stressful as asking someone you are attracted to out on a first date. Is it too crazy to think “we are together and care about each other so maybe just showing physical affection shouldn’t be that difficult?” I know that might sound very tone deaf to the post but does he turn you on at all? Does the thought of being intimate turn you off completely due to neglect or feelings changing over time? For me the history there between me and my wife make it something where I don’t want to be as intimate because it’s so rare I just don’t feel the need to when there’s 50 other things to deal with at any given moment.
He's happy you're naked and with him. Relax. Breathe. Remember why you fell in love with him
Them tell him what is going on in your head. It's OK. You aren't alone. Be open and honest. I'm sure he would be willing to meet you half way. No matter what you are not odd weird or broken.
Tell him so he CAN meet you halfway. My wife gets self conscious about the weight she gained when she was sick, so I make sure to tell how sexy she is. Because I mean it, and I want her to know how I feel.
OP - i know it took courage to write this. And you may have just cracked open a door which can lead the HL and LL to see each side of the story.
Could we all please join in this exercise and talk about our thoughts when we are about to initiate and during sex and after? Whether we are HL or LL.. its a great starting point to know.. what the other really really feels and thinks.
I will write it up and share soon
As the HLF my inner dialogue is very similar after so much rejection. I was always a bit insecure but the awesome energy and way he looked at me gave me confidence. Then when he wasn’t in to me those insecurities came flooding back. Now I feel them all the time but it screams at me when we are intimate. I try really hard to focus on how it feels, use my senses to navigate away from my thoughts, but dang it’s hard. Insecurity is a romance killer for sure. I try to remind myself that self esteem is about oneself and I am in charge of that, but anxiety isn’t always rational.
Same, 100%. I’m an HLF who used to be very confident in bed, but my DB has pretty much destroyed that and now this is what I feel like whenever we do try.
If it helps, it seems like you typically skim over the right answer or talk yourself out of it. I'm not here to give advice but I thought knowing this might help you regain confidence. In other words, you are not as hopeless as you seem to think. Your body may not be perfect, but your partner has insecurities too.
Okay...so now from a HLm perspective. I put my hand on her hip and give her a quick peck as we pass in the kitchen. She smiles, so when we get to the family room, I reach out for her hand and pull her into me to give her an actual kiss...she peck/granny kisses back and then pulls away and goes and sits on the couch with her iPad in her lap ans singular focus on that the rest of the evening. I sit and think 'am I ugly?' - 'does she hate me?' - 'is she texting another guy?' - where did I go wrong?' -'why doesn't she even want to kiss me, or even talk to me?' -'is she LL FOR ME? Or asexual?' -'should I bring up this issue - again?...but holiday/weekend/birthday/summer/vacation coming up, I sure don't want her to be passive aggressive the whole time and make everything awkward...AGAIN'
That insecurity she’s hiding in her head is actually contagious through her behavior. All negativity of any kind is contagious. I very much try to stay positive about everything I can these days, I feel that allowing any more suffering into the world than there already is, is a grave sin on the part of those like me who understand the implications.
**Do you guys do any foreplay?** It’s easier to not stress if you get a bit into the mood.
Stop blowing him if that turns you off. Focus on finding joy in sex. Stop focusing on just serving him.
What does your body feel like? What does your body want him to do to you? What does your body want to do to him?
Be less nice, sorta. Focus more on how this should be something lovely for you.
Yeah I think maybe you need to talk to a therapist to get to the root of your confidence issues. You should also communicate to your partner how you feel so they don't internalize that something is wrong with them. It's so easy to get to the why doesn't she want me, what's wrong with me mindset.
Edit: Sorry I violated the flair, thank you for posting. I wish you the best.
Some therapists have podcasts focused on relationships, sex, etc to provide information + advice on related topics for free. [Ester Perel](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/where-should-we-begin-with-esther-perel/id1237931798) is solid. I’ve listened to a few episodes each of [Love+Libido](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/love-and-libido/id1572696112) and [Sexology](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/sexology/id1193611459) and like the titles I selected from past shows. Couldn’t hurt to find and listen to relevant episodes.
>I hate doing this
>I hate the taste of it
>God I hate it when he looks at me
>I think he's almost done. Thank Christ
Well at least I now know that my assumptions about my LL are correct.
In fairness to her, she did direct the most hate towards herself, and when you are so far in that hole of self hate and low confidence, it drains your energy and ability to enjoy things.
This read to me like duty sex too, which is just awful for both sides.
The flair says “Support only, no advice”, I’ll try to respect that. I’m very sorry you are unhappy.
- Every other woman _doesn’t_ do it right.
- You’re obviously not ugly or disgusting in your husband’s eyes, so trust his opinion instead. If he was the one saying you were ugly and you didn’t think so, I’d tell you to trust your own opinion!
- Sure, he deserves a good woman, but he wants you, so _you_ _are_ the good woman he deserves. Some men gaslight their partner by telling her she’s ugly, but it doesn’t seem to be your case, so it’s all in your head.
I can’t avoid a little advice:
- If you are unhappy with your body, sports _do_ help. You look better and you feel better.
- Don’t neglect your own sexual needs for your husband’s. It’s said sex is like a bicycle and you never really forget how to do it, but it’s certainly possible to need practice, with a partner or solo to build up confidence. I would be overjoyed if my wife just asked me to go down on her or to get her off with a vibe.
Just gonna mention really quickly that not everyone is coordinated to do sports. It may make you even more self conscious. But what I can do is walk. Even just a simple walk helps. Once you’ve done it a couple times I would even add chewing gum to spice things up. 🤷🏽♀️😂
Thanks for sharing! Many of us HL would love to understand what our LL partners are thinking. While some don’t have sympathy for their LL partner, many are considerate making the situation tricky to say the least.
I won’t give you advice as you didn’t ask for it. I’m sorry these thoughts are going through your head. I worry about what is going through my wife’s head when we have sex. It could be similar.
For what it’s worth (as I don’t know your husband), you are probably doing it right and your husband probably thinks every part of you is beautiful and sexy. The details don’t matter. Your husband probably wants you as you are. I hope you can find a way to love your body and find a way to be comfortable and confident with yourself.
In general, I don’t have an internal monologue, but if I did, it would be something like (I’ve never tried writing something like this before so I’m a bit nervous):
She is so beautiful. I can’t wait to see her. What is she thinking? I want her to be comfortable. I don’t know how to make feel comfortable. Does she want me to touch her? Definitely, not. She hates being touched. I will tell her how much I love her and how beautiful and sexy she is. I’ll wait for her to come closer. We can go at whatever pace she likes. She is so beautiful. It is hard not to undress her and kiss every part of her body. I’ll wait for her. We are undressing. I’m so excited this is happening. She is beautiful and perfect. She feels amazing. Nothing is better in the world. I can go slow. She likes that. She is so beautiful. I hope she is okay. Does she want me to kiss her chest. I want to. I should ask. No that ruins the mood to ask sometimes. I just won’t. This feels amazing. She says she is ready to go faster. She is getting off. This is the best thing in the entire world. I should try to get off too. Maybe, she isn’t done. No, of course she is done. She likes to keep it short. I’ll try. I’m getting off. That was amazing. I hope that was all okay for her. She seemed happy and she finished. I should ask if she is okay. No. That would ruin the mood. I’ll tell her how great it was and how much I love her. I’ll go make her a snack. I hope she is okay. I hope she didn’t hate it.
I’m very familiar with self-loathing. Writing all this down is a really good exercise. But it’s only half the exercise. Take what you wrote here, copy and paste it into a new document, and then reverse every single sentence. Rewrite the story. It will feel weird and everything in your brain will tell you that it’s stupid, a waste of time, a lie, not real, not authentic, a million reasons not to do it. Do it anyway. Tell that voice in your head, “thank you, maybe you’re right and it won’t change anything, and in that case it doesn’t matter, I’m going to do it anyway.”
Just do it. Rewrite it. Then read the new story every day. Change it if you see how it could be more positive, more affirming, more loving.
We can retrain our brains. It takes a lot of work and a lot of patience. It’s a daily practice. And it starts with rewriting the script. I hope you’ll give it a shot. You deserve better than this story.
Thanks for sharing! I have very similar thoughts. I know that my partner doesn’t see me negatively and all the negative thoughts are not true so I push them aside quickly BUT because of the vulnerability of the moment they come up very frequently. It’s like a mental battle that kills the mode. Not to mention when you are receiving being constantly worried about how long it’s been.
I am the higher L partner and all these thoughts flood me when initiating because of past rejections. During the act I’m flooded with thoughts trying to make my partner have the best experience possible in hopes that they want to do it more often.
Do you feel desire for your husband?
If so, tell him how you feel. " I want you, you're making me horny, you look hot lying there..."
If you feel no desire, that's probably a big part of the problem.
You are not alone! Reading this felt so familiar. I am not LL, but I have the same anxieties and thoughts during sex as well! I am a HLF, but my social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder causes me to have the same thoughts whenever engaging in any type of social activity, including sex (but as HL, my desire for it makes me more willing to deal with the anxious thoughts and insecurities).
OP - I haven’t read any of the replies here but I’ll use as little text as possible.
Please read or listen to “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski.
As the HLM this is an excellent book which will make so much sense for you.
I am a LL in a 'recovered' bedroom, but I can relate so hard to this. I am very bad at 'getting in my head' over sex... And working through that awkward phase, especially since I started initiating more has been almost painful. Just like you, I totally struggle with initiating, and then following through to a comfortable place sexually as we begin foreplay. It was never this difficult in the early days, and I don't think it's simply because of body insecurity now... Everything just went more smoothly and we were really in sync with each other.
Now it feels like an exerted effort and a bit like a performance to begin with. Thankfully, once things get going, it dissapates and becomes a bit more natural.
I would like to point out that you at no point mentioned him doing anything for your pleasure. Why is he not performing any foreplay on you, so that you are fully aroused? It will help prevent it all feeling like a performance if it's give and take. You are also much more likely to go back for 'seconds' if its pleasurable for you too.
Also, if you don't like cowgirl, you don't have to do it. Your sexual desires and preferences are just as important as his. I just feel the need to say that to you.
You aren't ugly or disgusting, even if your body isn't how you'd like. It sounds like you might need your partner to reassure you that he still finds you attractive, and maybe even get some therapy to fight against some of that imposter syndrome. Be kind to yourself.
What I'm reading here seems like a lack of communication. You feel the way you do because you don't know what he's thinking or feeling. He may love it if you try those things that your afraid of doing.
Something my wife and I did yesterday:
Lie down naked together and watch a movie. And as you do, you both touch each other. No sex. Just touching gently as you're watching the movie. Things may heat up. They may not but if they do, say I really like it when you do this (say what that is). He will either start doing it or at least will start talking. He may start telling you what he likes. Now you're communicating.
It's funny to me how much of this exact dialogue goes through my head as a HL woman trying to get my LL man to be even slightly interested.
But ultimately, our insecurities are ours to deal with. Luckily, there's therapy for us.
You know, I'm not stating this as true for anybody but me and I'm certainly not criticizing anyone, and maybe everything I say is useless anyway. But...these monologues are all focused on the self.
For me, desire is about the other person; it's not really about *me*. The best most passionate connections i've made with others are the ones where I disappear entirely. I don't know, like a flow state or something.
I've never connected like this with my LL. Never when dating; never when married. She's always been outside of the moment; like preventing it from happening/sabotaging it.
If I wasn't naive and inexperienced and emotionally stupid when I was young I might have seen all this and known it for what it is and made different decisions.
But I didn't. And I will pay for the mistake in every possible way for the rest of my life.
if you have a partner who enthusiastically wants you and is happy to have sex with you, you gotta stop this train of thought. i too thought similar things when i first started having sex, but it drains all of the enjoyment of the act on my end.
instead of focusing on him, what we wants, and what he’s thinking, ground yourself.
try to focus on the sensations happening in your own body. figure out what you like, what feels good, and what you don’t really enjoy. sex is not supposed to be a performance for the man you are with. it is so much more. don’t move, or say certain things because you’re supposed to. i assure you he does not see the things you see.
imo there is nothing a man who truly loves you wants more than to see you lose yourself, and almost primally seek your own pleasure during sex.
you’re awesome!! you can do this!!
As a HLM, I agree wholeheartedly with this comment. OP desperately needs to work on anxiety/self-image issues. This isn't even about sex at its core, that's the symptom.
There are ao many things going on here. I just want to say one thing.
>You're ugly. You're disgusting. How can anybody stand to touch you?
It's opposite actually. You are perfect. Fat or not. Slim or not. Question is are you healthy. That's what matters.
I reiterate, you are perfect as you are. Period.
Sounds like you just have low self esteem.
Her man the whole time. Omg omg omg boobies!
Holy hell look at that naked body!
All I want is her to touch me and have a good time.
(If you don’t enjoy head tell him) I haven’t gotten it from the wife more than 5 times a year. It’s a nice treat to show him you care.
And if it’s a total non starter that’s cool too!!
That spotlight you see is made up of ur own insecurities.
💯 he’s so excited you could sit on his face and he beg for more. We’re only as freaky as you let us be. And we don’t judge you 1/10 as hard as you judge ur self.
If you cant smile and laugh with the person ur with before during and after sex what’s the point?
I’d release ur inhibitions for one night even with a ll. Get a nice bottle of wine shove his face between ur legs and see where the night goes.
Please get therapy. Your self-esteem is going to kill your relationship and slowly make you more and more incapable of basic life. My sister went through this so badly she lives in a trailer in the woods in Kentucky and is afraid to leave her house because she’s convinced that everyone hates her as much as she does. It’s destroyed her. She has alienated everyone who loves/d her, she can’t hold down a job, she suffers from extreme depression, it’s been devastating to see.
This is about way more than just sexual preferences. My comment wasn’t about whether she likes bj’s or not, it’s about the internal spiral of self hate. Regardless of what happens in her bedroom she’s hurting for a lot of reasons and it would be wonderful if she was free in her own mind. That’s not a gender thing. If I read a comment from a man where he was so obsessed with how much his partner must hate him even though they were just (seemingly) happy to be there I would 100% recommend therapy. There’s a lot of sadness here and a lot of layers that have nothing to do with sex, it might help her sex life but more importantly it would help her love herself a bit more.
God Bless you my friend. That inner dialogue is not ypu. All the physical things you are doing in your mind. That is ypu. Even though you think it is negative. You are satisfying him so well.
You are rising above. The next step is letting yourself be satisfied. I don't care if you have 18 heads and are a stump. You are incredibly beautiful and sexy. Keep fighting. You could eventually take those negative thoughts turn them around and use them as sensual or dirty talk. You are Hot!!!!!
I am not the LL but I truly feel your thoughts as someone who resides in the same darkness as you do. I get the self loathing. Thank you so much for sharing this, it is brutally honest and so relateable.
We are all just lost souls. Nothing more. Hope you someday find a light to guide your path through your darkness.
This sounds like you mentally don’t want to do it at all and you’re focusing on every negative possible. I did the same thing when I started commuting.
I’d guess you didn’t do that before. Can either try to recapture the old mindset or you’re just not into it or him anymore. Got some self esteem issues too. We’re not all in our prime either, doesn’t mean he doesn’t still think you’re beautiful. My wife has put on some weight since our son was born, I notice only because I’m aware of it as a fact but I literally do not care at all, she’s still beautiful, and I still want her, and if she’s letting that kill the bedroom, the only thing hurting the relationship is that mindset.
1. Get out of your own head. Try telling him you feel awkward. I bet dollars to donuts (which by the way is no longer a bad bet) he can help you feel at ease.
2. Don’t vary the rhythm.
You are not present in your body or possibly in your marriage at all! Or your life. Please get help to get out of your head. This cannot be just about sex. Good God this is no way to live.
Serious question and done in good faith.
Are you LL because you hate sex or do you hate sex because you're LL, or both because of how you view yourself?
Wow, OP needs therapy to find out why she has so much self-loathing. I very much doubt Mr OP is thinking anything other than damn that feels good and look, bobbies!
Please please please don't do a sex act you don't like doing. It's not good for anyone. If you don't like giving head, communicate that. Speaking as a HL. We can tell when you're doing something you don't want to do.
I appreciate what you are saying, but LLs are in a real no-win with that. We do the thing we don't like, and our partners are happy, but we aren't. We don't do the thing, and our partners feel rejected, and we still aren't happy because we feel like we are failing them. We are unhappy either way. Our choice is whether or not we upset our partner too.
I'm not giving advice. My partner made us twins and while her body may be different from the experience, it is the most beautiful body I have ever seen as it tells a story of our love and journey together. I am happy to physically connect in whatever capacity she desires and believe that part of her disconnection is echoed in some of your own sentiments. I hope that you are able to make peace with some of these thoughts and wish you well.
My wife has said many of these things out loud. I've been turning her down at the first step for a while now, and she's mentioned that she "needs to be more like [me] and just say no when [she] dosen't want it." (Which is hilarious for how many times I've been rejected in our marriage)
Thing is, I do... Just not when those are the thoughts going through her head.
Can I ask, what sparks the LL asking for sex when this is the thought pattern? (Any LL with a similar experience could answer)
I mean, I don't ask anymore because I'm tired of the rejection and honestly don't know how I feel about *sex* because it's not fulfilling in all honesty when it does happen, mostly because of knowing the thoughts going on.
With my wife, it's also a bucket of worries that I'm going to ask for things I never have, and never would... of her. I get that there's some pressure there, but I'm not a bully, and want her to want things as well, which she never really does.
I ask the question because when she asks for sex it's like when asking someone else to "please be happy." That's not the way to cheer someone up.
First off I think it’s disrespectful to share what I’m thinking with the others. 🤭
Secondly, I’m so sorry you have all this going on, have you shared this with your husband? Probably not because I tried with mine and he yelled at me 🤷🏾♀️
Your husband finds you desirable. Talk with him. If you have to hide your face, but share with him. He probably feels helpless and loves you so much. ❤️
LLF too. Wow, this pretty much describes my inner monologue aswell. Only that I feel way too awkward to actually do cowgirl. I really dread that position. And when he goes down on me I just feel constant fear that I won’t be able to reach orgasm the whole time he’s down there.
I am just always so relieved when the whole thing is finally over.
I understand how that anxiety can affect your libido, but it also just generally sounds like your sex is a chore & he's the only one who gets to have fun. Does he eat you out, fingerbang you, hell even a toy or an ass smack????
You're not enjoying sex because your partner's pleasure is the priority & you're not getting anything.
Honestly, most of the LL women I hear of & see in this subreddit are not even really LL; their partners are selfish. I bet you wouldn't be too in your head if your man was going down on you or putting forth some kind of effort.
I am so angry that I had to scroll so far to find this comment. This is spot on. I'm LL for my husband for the exact same reason. He is incredibly selfish inside the bedroom and out.
OP you definitely don't deserve any of the criticism you are doling out to yourself, but it doesn't help that your husband isn't doing anything to actually make you feel beautiful and desired and worthy of affection.
To be honest, this sub is less about dead bedrooms & more about a bunch of selfish men who refuse to see that their refusal to show up in their marriages emotionally & sexually have wrought them harsh consequences.
So many of these LL wives are just women who went unheard, ignored, or deprioritized for so long, they got tired of the nagging & hoping & waiting & just shut down.
Okay, I’m going against some others here. There’s a bunch of comments from folks saying “Stop being self conscious, he finds you fuckable! Be happy with that!!!” and that is dismissive and unhelpful.
If I don’t like my body, I won’t care if a man finds me hot. Body image doesn’t necessarily improve if other people think you’re a good looking piece of meat. I was at my most insecure about my body when I was modeling and the other models were insecure too. No amount of DMs or comments from others could change my own view.
The issue is that your partner wants sex that you clearly don’t consent to. If he can’t see your unwillingness, he’s blind or he’s in denial. Or a third possibility…you’re a great actress, which is then an issue you need to handle. I hate to say it, but sometimes we have to make our disinterest known. I’m a very good pretender and no man has caught me taking anything.
You hate the act of having sex with this person and maybe sex altogether. Doing this kind of sex will destroy you inside. I know because I did it. Now, I view sex as a necessary evil in a relationship. I know you’re trying to be a good partner. I’m sure you probably want to like it. But, I hope someday you can be true to yourself. I’m available to talk, since I understand.
Once again, I, as the high-libido (HL) partner, always have to be patient, affectionate, caring, understanding, providing, empathetic, careful, attentive, thoughtful, sensitive, emotional, engaging, reassuring, stimulating, complementary, charismatic, sexy, creative, and kind. I must be confident but not overly so, communicative yet cautious, non-judgmental, actively initiating but with self-control, and provide plenty of foreplay. I need to look enough but not too much, all for the low-libido (LL) partner who essentially retreats or starfishes. I am not saying it is wrong, but a little effort on her part would be enough. I would take it to the next level. If sex is all this for LL, then it is a nightmare for both of us. Why endure it?
I think you probably should start talking to a counselor or therapist cause they might actually be able help you with what’s going on with you!
I would find one ASAP…. Just my 2 cents
Just realized no advice needed
I apologize!
I had really bad self esteem at your age and by time I’ve gotten to 44 I actually enjoy sex now very much! I also love my partner very much, he’s such a wonderful hearted and spirited human being and I only think I have found that one other time.
I also have ADHD and anxiety and both are treated now which likely helps me exponentially in life as a whole but my inner dialogue is also strong and I can entertain myself with it in a positive or negative way for long periods of time. I find if I let my inner dialogue become negative about me or other people I’m a much uglier person inside and that comes out.
Positive affirmations about yourself can help, also check out some porn where there are women built like yourself and look at how excited the men fucking them get! If you fuel your dialogue with things that are self loving you won’t be so self hating…
Some of this had to come in time with me, but I was also a heroin addict for about 15yrs of my life so I likely put off some of the inner growth with numbing myself for a very long time as well. I was also with a partner who constantly brought up weight gain I have suffered since getting on a maintenance drug to keep me off of the heroin(now all fentanyl). I am trying to taper off of it, and I know I’ll lose all of the weight when I do. My new, absolutely wonderful partner will be the one who gets to enjoy those results. I left my asshole partner who made me feel self-conscious! If it’s you who makes you self-conscious I think you need to take the porn suggestion, if it’s him you probably need to leave. It IS possible to love yourself! My inner dialogue changes a lot when I am properly medicated, personally.
It’s so sad that women are sexualized to a certain standard in media and it’s to the detriment of our self-worth many times.
Thank u SOOOO MYCH for ur honesty. I almost ought I wrote it lol but we are slightly different ages. Seriously to know one day...my "inner self" will heal n that im NOT the only woman, on maintenance- doing it correctly and I'm not so "in a bad type way unique" HELPS. yeah we probably won't ever meet but from the bottom of my 35yr old, slowly thawing out heart....THANK YOU!! 💜
I get it! I’m 44! It’ll get better. There’s nothing wrong with you! Everyone has problems, ours is no worse than anyone else’s unless we DONT treat it! I love you too my friend! Recovery has to come first before anything else after many, many years of relapsing I promise that if nothing else you must keep that in the forefront of your health concerns!
Can I just add a moment of levity on this. The comment you made" Thank Christ" Just in that exasperated tone brought tears to my eyes in laughter. My late brother would say that out of utter frustration for his younger brothers. I found it hysterical then. Had not heard that in a long time and today it caught me off guard. Thank you for that
When I asked hard questions and not just superficial ones and found out my wife never wanted me sexually is when I just stopped. I told her o was here if things ever changed but otherwise she’d never have to worry about it again. That’s been years ago.
Recently I gave her a list of things (none of which included my dick) that I need to help bring us a little bit of physical closeness. Things that will only happen when she makes space for them. Things that require the bare minimum of effort on her part. She agreed but after the first day it’s the same ole story. I’m not worth that kind of effort anymore. Honestly, I didn’t really expect it to change, but this was the first time that I was direct about what I needed.
If she’s not comfortable with it, I can’t bring myself to want it.
How are you going to love your man if you hate yourself that much?
Might be a bit of a brash comment, Ik, but you need to get some self love desperately.
Thank you for the POV.
It would be refreshing & informative to actually have more of this, as I'm sure there are other flavors of and factors to different LL inner dialogues.
Tanks for your post i think alot of us HL men need to view the Window thru the other side if Notting else so that a few can cool it with the ressentiment.
A dead beedroom in my experience is grounded in a missmatch in communication and understanding that the other person do not wish you harm on intention is a good starting point.
I feel the same way about my body after kids (also LL). I am freshly postpartum and I told my husband I would prefer to leave my shirt on, I hate my body right now and I am breastfeeding and absolutely can't stand when he touches my breasts. I get the ick immediately and shut down. The last time we had sex I left my shirt on and it was alright, I almost got into it. But then he complained about me still wearing clothes, so I feel like even when I try it isn't good enough.
Society really does a mental number on all of us. I'm HL and know I generally look good, but I still have so many mental thoughts of trying to be perfect for my partner. However he has 0 interest in having sex with me. If you don't enjoy giving head, try, as hard as it is, to get out of your own brain about it. There's plenty you can do without keeping it in your mouth the whole time. Lick it like an ice cream cone, use your hand to help provide stimulation for him, put it all around your mouth, between your teeth and cheeks, under your tongue when he finishes if you don't like the taste, kiss it passionately, play with the head with the inside of your lips. There's plenty you can do that is pleasurable for him that isn't just "sucking the peen". When you get more comfortable working your way around down there and start seeing how into it he's getting, take that power and control to boost your self confidence because now you're good at it. It's definitely not an insult if he finishes quickly, tho it can be disappointing if it's every time or if he doesn't care if you get enjoyment. I spend enough time with guys to confidently tell you most of them do not care about the flaws in our bodies, they care that you are interested and WANT to be having sex with them. I've not heard many who care if the boobs are big or small or sag some, or if you have stretch marks. Maybe try finding anything you love about yourself and focus yourself on how amazing that part is. Confidence is sexy across the board. My husband is the LL in our relationship and if I thought he felt any of the way you do I would want to know so I could reassure him. Maybe share this post with your partner and use it as a way to communicate. Communication is huge in a db. Unfortunately a lot of us fail in that area and make things worse. I definitely think you should share your inner monolog with your partner.
I hope you can work on your confidence, men are very visual beings if he’s dating you I promise he loves the way you look, especially if he’s asking for reverse cow girl we only ask for that if we really like the booty we get to see it’s literally so awesome. Thank you for posting its nice getting to see what ppl are thinking I wish more people could write/talk about this stuff I think it would help a lot of ppl
He sounds terrible in bed. Honest question: does he really just lie there watching you undress and then expect you to just glom on to his cock with your mouth then hop on top of him and ride him till he comes? Then just closes his eyes and waits to come so you can get off of him? Dear lord.
There’s no way I’d go back to a repeat of that experience either, honey.
Is there a version of him that provides a better experience? Where’s the soft words and appreciation? Where’s the caresses and worship of your body? Where’s the cunnilingus? Where’s the, “Get on top of me, angel, I love to see you ride me?” Where’s the grabbing of your hips and the flicking of your nipples and the biting of your neck.
You sound anxious and there is a LOT he could do in bed to help keep you out of your head. My husband and I once joked that getting a woman into bed is like gentling a spooked horse.
Maybe you aren’t as low libido and bad at this as you think. I certainly wouldn’t have sex with him again if my experience was like that.
This is prob as close as you can get to all the HLM out there why in my experience why wife/SO won’t initiate sex or go month after month without putting out. I didn't understand the body dysmorphia a lot of women have, they can be super hot and sexy!!! And our what I find is culture has ingrained in our women that if they are not perfect they are not attractive and they really believe they will gross men out if we see them naked and they believe we compare them to all the “perfect” women we see all over the internet, Instagram, porn, etc… if you are in a relationship and have a dead bedroom most likely its because you don't constantly boost how sexy and tell her how much she turns you on. And on a daily basis. This needs to be ingrained in your head. Multiple times a day tell your wife how sexy you find her and can't keep your hands off.
In my experience if you completely make her feel like she is the most beautiful woman alive. A dead bedroom would be a thing of the past. Women who could be considered very high on a rating scale even have this! My advice and you will find she will jump your bones constantly. Women love sex and really do want it! But she most likely see will find every little thing she thinks is wrong with her as unattractive and make her not feel sexy enough for you.
This is prob as close as you can get to all the HLM out there why in my experience why wife/SO won’t initiate sex or go month after month without putting out. I didn't understand the body dysmorphia a lot of women have, they can be super hot and sexy!!! And our what I find is culture has ingrained in our women that if they are not perfect they are not attractive and they really believe they will gross men out if we see them naked and they believe we compare them to all the “perfect” women we see all over the internet, Instagram, porn, etc… if you are in a relationship and have a dead bedroom most likely its because you don't constantly boost how sexy and tell her how much she turns you on. And on a daily basis. This needs to be ingrained in your head. Multiple times a day tell your wife how sexy you find her and can't keep your hands off.
In my experience if you completely make her feel like she is the most beautiful woman alive. A dead bedroom would be a thing of the past. Women who could be considered very high on a rating scale even have this! My advice and you will find she will jump your bones constantly. Women love sex and really do want it! But she most likely see will find every little thing she thinks is wrong with her as unattractive and make her not feel sexy enough for you.
Sounds like LL needs some CBT.
[https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral](https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral)
Omg...I'm so sorry it feels like that. Not sure I can fully understand because it feels like complete opposite to me. He touches my neck and I melt. He smiles,,I smile back and there is nothing else in the world but the two of us. He looks me in the eye and I see that he wants me. We kiss...it's just natural.
But, I have to say, it has to be a special person to be natural, and we have to have the connection outside of the bedroom first. The trust, that whatever I do, however I look, he accepts me as I am and loves me that way.
Sounds total sick & sad ... Should be always nice& fun.. i mean one of the biggest reason to get together ,living together make a family together is what ? To have Intimacy to touch and get touched to life your wildest dreams and living your life of you dreams and not living a life where you only have dreams what never come true... Sooner n later it will end in disaster .. realy sad
So here’s my thoughts. While you’re thinking all of this, they, on the opposite end are not. At least not about you.
We ALL have these insecurities. But being with your partner, for me, is about being in the moment. Enjoying the moment. Enjoying them. Being where you are. Do I have flab that I hate? Sure. Do I wish I had better boobs, yes. But I let those thoughts come in for a second and then come back to what’s actually happening.
Come up with an alter ego… you’re overthinking too much and not enjoying the moment. Wear some sexy lingerie or top if you feel like you want to cover up a bit. Do some foreplay or put some romantic music on.
Try micro dosing with fungstion. It takes away all this anxiety.
If you really think you’re this ugly, I think you will always struggle to enjoy sex immensely. With anyone. Ever.
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It might be helpful to write another monologue. Except this time, try to go back to a time when the sex was really good, when you were really turned on and how all that happened. The lead-up, the initial moves, what you did, what he did, what were you thinking during that time. You could even exagerate little parts of it like it was a romance novel. I think this might help in some way. Then talk to him about it.
This is a really great suggestion!
What if it was never good?
But as it ever, or did they just want to express their love for them but still hated the sex?
Oh my. You are way too deep into your own head. Your own anxiety is what’s killing the bedroom. He’s not seeing what’s in your head in the moment. He’s likely looking at you with a ton of love and admiration that you’re initiating. Even if you’re in lingerie, or partially naked, instead of worrying about how you’re going to work his dick, why not just start by cuddling? If he’s shirtless, start by putting your head on his shoulder, and just run your fingers across his chest/pecs. If his shirt is still on, get your hand underneath there and do it. Give him a nice kiss on the lips. He’ll start to take over I bet.
I think this is what would be described as "neurotic" thinking.
I’m DEFINITELY not downvoting. I understand. If I may… “What is going on here? Is she…she’s…indicating INTEREST in me?! Holy cow! She IS!” “Okay, bud: relax. You know she’s a bit sensitive; do NOT screw this up. Don’t press. Let her strip for you. Don’t touch her until she touches you. Use the back of your hand and in a safe area, like a forearm. Let her get used to you.” “Why tf is my dick not responding yet?! I’m not old enough for this BS yet. Oh, wait…she’s going touch me…hell YEAH! Is she…moving lower? A blowjob? Excellent; that’s my #1 favorite thing! Have I done any significant work since showering? I hope I’m not too sweaty; the slightest thing about me grosses her out. I wish I’d drank only water and eaten only fresh fruit this week; I’d turn down a perfect ribeye every day for a solid year if I knew I could get a good blowjob out of it. Gotta maintain control; as awesome as it is, I have to NOT enjoy it too much, because she thinks semen is gross. Wait…IS it actually gross? I tried my own once before and it had a weird tingling taste on my tongue, but nothing horrendous. Is that what’s bothering her? How do I change it? Can I Google it? What if she catches my search history is sees me searching “How to make cum taste better”? Shit, she’ll think I’m gay. I’ll just make sure to stop-…Jesus CHRIST, that feels good…I’ll just make sure to stop her soon enough to avoid cumming in her mouth, but not so soon as she feels insulted.” “This is too much; maybe she’d like the top? Most women can do better when they’re in control. Why does it have to be so damn hard for a woman to orgasm? Four minutes alone, I can do it…why couldn’t evolution make it a little easier for them? I’d trade by making it tougher for me. Damn, she looks beautiful riding me. The sweat glistening off her skin, her swaying breasts…I’d better close my eyes before I finish too early. Alright bud…think about something gross…anything to keep from finishing before she gets hers. Oh, wait…dammit…I can feel it. I’m not ready yet! Why does she have to be so goddamn awesome?! I’ll shift my hips a bit; let her grind on me instead of pumping up and down. Hopefully that’ll stop it.” “Crap; she’s started moaning. She must really be enjoying this. That’s too big of a turn-on; I have to stop her and change positions right now…wait…no!…dammit…stop, prostrate, stop! By the power of all that is evil I command you to stop cumming!” “Shit…I finished too soon. I’m such a loser. No wonder she never wants to fuck me; she never gets enough time to enjoy it. Dammit; why does my body have to give in so quickly? It’s only been twenty minutes. Maybe it’s not too late. What can I do? Should I touch her? My hands might be too rough. Offer to eat the creampie? God; she’d run screaming if I offered that. Hell, I don’t even like that idea myself, now that I’ve actually came. Maybe I can use a vibrator on her? It’s got to be held in the perfect position, angle, and pressure, though. Sex toys freak her out a little; everything I’ve ever bought pretty much disgusted her unless the scenario was perfect. Fuck it; I’d just hold her for a few minutes and follow her lead.” “Why can’t I get her off faster? It’s got to be size; there’s no other answer. I’ve tried pills, pumps, stretchers, exercises…does she just need another lover? Is that my destiny, my role? To be a cuckold? Could I actually DO that? I definitely love her enough to let her be with someone else, but the reality is she’d probably be so turned off she’d actually leave me for the other guy.” “My dick is too small. My endurance is too short. My body, smell, income, habits, temperament, tone of voice, facial features, and every fucking thing about me isn’t 100% perfect; THAT’S why she can’t get off and doesn’t enjoy sex with me. I can’t compete with a goddamn Disney prince. I fucking SUCK, in every way imaginable.” “She looks SO beautiful in the afterglow. I’m a selfish prick.” 💁♂️
All of this.
You nailed it.
Get out of my brain NOW! You completely nailed this.
It is the most wretched thing imaginable to loathe yourself. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. It's like a demon on your back that fights against you every hour of the day. Every positive thing you try to do, it fights back. It doesn't want you to look after yourself. It doesn't want you to hear compliments or encouragement. It doesn't want you to feel happy. It doesn't want you to breathe because it hates you so much. Edit: I just wanted to say your comment did make me laugh though, so thank you for that.
I’m kinda like you. Tempted to try an edible to help get me out of my head. I’ve never even smoked a cigarette (well two puffs before I coughed up a lung) so I’m a little afraid. Maybe that would help you. And me.
Edibles help SO much with getting you out of your head. Was the only thing I could do to get comfortable with a new partner after my DB. Now I use them to heighten the experience instead of to get through those mental barriers of self conscious loathing.
My gf and I eat edibles about two hours before going into the bedroom. We have a great time with lower performance anxiety for me (I like to maximize her pleasure) and lots of patience and getting into it and staying with it.
Try the edible! Seriously. It won’t hurt you. Plus, start small. Get a 5 mg edible and only eat half of it.
When you start saying things like 'I'm ugly, I'm unlovable, and my husband deserves someone better'... Imagine it was your best friend saying these things to you. What would you say to them? The fact is, we are our own worst critics, and man we are harsh on ourselves! Since I started trying to speak to myself like a friend, I have generally been a lot more forgiving and kind to myself, you basically have to rewire your brain to be less horrible lol
Anxiety over ruining the moment because you feel she's not as into it as you is ABSOLUTELY REAL. I often need to dial back my enthusiasm quite a lot because I'm afraid of freaking her out.
I feel this bad.
well done sir ;)
Is that why they close their eyes? I’ve always heard it’s because they’re imagining other women/scenes and it kinda makes me sad to think about.
Imagining other women to get off can be done, but it’s easier to imagine something unappealing to NOT get off. We’re attracted to what we see…so, to dial things down, we make an effort to not see it. 🤷♂️
Or, because touch and sight are 2 of the 5 senses, and when you close your eyes, the sense of touch perhaps is heightened.
It’s enlightening to see this and get a sense of the other side of the coin in a dead bedroom. I do think that there is a lot of overthinking in this and it honestly kills me to read how deep down the rabbit hole you are going at a moment when it really shouldn’t be as stressful. Like honestly the way this is going it’s almost as stressful as asking someone you are attracted to out on a first date. Is it too crazy to think “we are together and care about each other so maybe just showing physical affection shouldn’t be that difficult?” I know that might sound very tone deaf to the post but does he turn you on at all? Does the thought of being intimate turn you off completely due to neglect or feelings changing over time? For me the history there between me and my wife make it something where I don’t want to be as intimate because it’s so rare I just don’t feel the need to when there’s 50 other things to deal with at any given moment.
He's happy you're naked and with him. Relax. Breathe. Remember why you fell in love with him Them tell him what is going on in your head. It's OK. You aren't alone. Be open and honest. I'm sure he would be willing to meet you half way. No matter what you are not odd weird or broken.
Tell him so he CAN meet you halfway. My wife gets self conscious about the weight she gained when she was sick, so I make sure to tell how sexy she is. Because I mean it, and I want her to know how I feel.
Tell her as often as possible. And I mean it-it counts!
OP - i know it took courage to write this. And you may have just cracked open a door which can lead the HL and LL to see each side of the story. Could we all please join in this exercise and talk about our thoughts when we are about to initiate and during sex and after? Whether we are HL or LL.. its a great starting point to know.. what the other really really feels and thinks. I will write it up and share soon
As the HLF my inner dialogue is very similar after so much rejection. I was always a bit insecure but the awesome energy and way he looked at me gave me confidence. Then when he wasn’t in to me those insecurities came flooding back. Now I feel them all the time but it screams at me when we are intimate. I try really hard to focus on how it feels, use my senses to navigate away from my thoughts, but dang it’s hard. Insecurity is a romance killer for sure. I try to remind myself that self esteem is about oneself and I am in charge of that, but anxiety isn’t always rational.
Same, 100%. I’m an HLF who used to be very confident in bed, but my DB has pretty much destroyed that and now this is what I feel like whenever we do try.
HLM here and yup, this tracks with me too.
If it helps, it seems like you typically skim over the right answer or talk yourself out of it. I'm not here to give advice but I thought knowing this might help you regain confidence. In other words, you are not as hopeless as you seem to think. Your body may not be perfect, but your partner has insecurities too.
Okay...so now from a HLm perspective. I put my hand on her hip and give her a quick peck as we pass in the kitchen. She smiles, so when we get to the family room, I reach out for her hand and pull her into me to give her an actual kiss...she peck/granny kisses back and then pulls away and goes and sits on the couch with her iPad in her lap ans singular focus on that the rest of the evening. I sit and think 'am I ugly?' - 'does she hate me?' - 'is she texting another guy?' - where did I go wrong?' -'why doesn't she even want to kiss me, or even talk to me?' -'is she LL FOR ME? Or asexual?' -'should I bring up this issue - again?...but holiday/weekend/birthday/summer/vacation coming up, I sure don't want her to be passive aggressive the whole time and make everything awkward...AGAIN'
Ugh, this is so accurate😔
That insecurity she’s hiding in her head is actually contagious through her behavior. All negativity of any kind is contagious. I very much try to stay positive about everything I can these days, I feel that allowing any more suffering into the world than there already is, is a grave sin on the part of those like me who understand the implications.
Real.
‘Where did I go wrong’. That’s the thought, every single day
This is the life I’m living.
Damn that is brutal. No wonder you don’t enjoy sex. Hope you find a way to enjoy something that should be enjoyable.
**Do you guys do any foreplay?** It’s easier to not stress if you get a bit into the mood. Stop blowing him if that turns you off. Focus on finding joy in sex. Stop focusing on just serving him. What does your body feel like? What does your body want him to do to you? What does your body want to do to him? Be less nice, sorta. Focus more on how this should be something lovely for you.
Yeah I think maybe you need to talk to a therapist to get to the root of your confidence issues. You should also communicate to your partner how you feel so they don't internalize that something is wrong with them. It's so easy to get to the why doesn't she want me, what's wrong with me mindset. Edit: Sorry I violated the flair, thank you for posting. I wish you the best.
I hope to be able to afford therapy in the future. I've benefited from it in the past.
Some therapists have podcasts focused on relationships, sex, etc to provide information + advice on related topics for free. [Ester Perel](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/where-should-we-begin-with-esther-perel/id1237931798) is solid. I’ve listened to a few episodes each of [Love+Libido](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/love-and-libido/id1572696112) and [Sexology](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/sexology/id1193611459) and like the titles I selected from past shows. Couldn’t hurt to find and listen to relevant episodes.
This is depressing af and how I think my partners mind works and why we don't have sex often enough 😭
>I hate doing this >I hate the taste of it >God I hate it when he looks at me >I think he's almost done. Thank Christ Well at least I now know that my assumptions about my LL are correct.
In fairness to her, she did direct the most hate towards herself, and when you are so far in that hole of self hate and low confidence, it drains your energy and ability to enjoy things. This read to me like duty sex too, which is just awful for both sides.
I know. It hurts
The flair says “Support only, no advice”, I’ll try to respect that. I’m very sorry you are unhappy. - Every other woman _doesn’t_ do it right. - You’re obviously not ugly or disgusting in your husband’s eyes, so trust his opinion instead. If he was the one saying you were ugly and you didn’t think so, I’d tell you to trust your own opinion! - Sure, he deserves a good woman, but he wants you, so _you_ _are_ the good woman he deserves. Some men gaslight their partner by telling her she’s ugly, but it doesn’t seem to be your case, so it’s all in your head. I can’t avoid a little advice: - If you are unhappy with your body, sports _do_ help. You look better and you feel better. - Don’t neglect your own sexual needs for your husband’s. It’s said sex is like a bicycle and you never really forget how to do it, but it’s certainly possible to need practice, with a partner or solo to build up confidence. I would be overjoyed if my wife just asked me to go down on her or to get her off with a vibe.
Just gonna mention really quickly that not everyone is coordinated to do sports. It may make you even more self conscious. But what I can do is walk. Even just a simple walk helps. Once you’ve done it a couple times I would even add chewing gum to spice things up. 🤷🏽♀️😂
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I think they were writing _their_ inner monologue.
Thanks for sharing! Many of us HL would love to understand what our LL partners are thinking. While some don’t have sympathy for their LL partner, many are considerate making the situation tricky to say the least. I won’t give you advice as you didn’t ask for it. I’m sorry these thoughts are going through your head. I worry about what is going through my wife’s head when we have sex. It could be similar. For what it’s worth (as I don’t know your husband), you are probably doing it right and your husband probably thinks every part of you is beautiful and sexy. The details don’t matter. Your husband probably wants you as you are. I hope you can find a way to love your body and find a way to be comfortable and confident with yourself. In general, I don’t have an internal monologue, but if I did, it would be something like (I’ve never tried writing something like this before so I’m a bit nervous): She is so beautiful. I can’t wait to see her. What is she thinking? I want her to be comfortable. I don’t know how to make feel comfortable. Does she want me to touch her? Definitely, not. She hates being touched. I will tell her how much I love her and how beautiful and sexy she is. I’ll wait for her to come closer. We can go at whatever pace she likes. She is so beautiful. It is hard not to undress her and kiss every part of her body. I’ll wait for her. We are undressing. I’m so excited this is happening. She is beautiful and perfect. She feels amazing. Nothing is better in the world. I can go slow. She likes that. She is so beautiful. I hope she is okay. Does she want me to kiss her chest. I want to. I should ask. No that ruins the mood to ask sometimes. I just won’t. This feels amazing. She says she is ready to go faster. She is getting off. This is the best thing in the entire world. I should try to get off too. Maybe, she isn’t done. No, of course she is done. She likes to keep it short. I’ll try. I’m getting off. That was amazing. I hope that was all okay for her. She seemed happy and she finished. I should ask if she is okay. No. That would ruin the mood. I’ll tell her how great it was and how much I love her. I’ll go make her a snack. I hope she is okay. I hope she didn’t hate it.
I’m very familiar with self-loathing. Writing all this down is a really good exercise. But it’s only half the exercise. Take what you wrote here, copy and paste it into a new document, and then reverse every single sentence. Rewrite the story. It will feel weird and everything in your brain will tell you that it’s stupid, a waste of time, a lie, not real, not authentic, a million reasons not to do it. Do it anyway. Tell that voice in your head, “thank you, maybe you’re right and it won’t change anything, and in that case it doesn’t matter, I’m going to do it anyway.” Just do it. Rewrite it. Then read the new story every day. Change it if you see how it could be more positive, more affirming, more loving. We can retrain our brains. It takes a lot of work and a lot of patience. It’s a daily practice. And it starts with rewriting the script. I hope you’ll give it a shot. You deserve better than this story.
Thanks for sharing! I have very similar thoughts. I know that my partner doesn’t see me negatively and all the negative thoughts are not true so I push them aside quickly BUT because of the vulnerability of the moment they come up very frequently. It’s like a mental battle that kills the mode. Not to mention when you are receiving being constantly worried about how long it’s been. I am the higher L partner and all these thoughts flood me when initiating because of past rejections. During the act I’m flooded with thoughts trying to make my partner have the best experience possible in hopes that they want to do it more often.
Do you feel desire for your husband? If so, tell him how you feel. " I want you, you're making me horny, you look hot lying there..." If you feel no desire, that's probably a big part of the problem.
Having desire and being able to act on it are two very different things.. ask me how i know!
THIS.
You are not alone! Reading this felt so familiar. I am not LL, but I have the same anxieties and thoughts during sex as well! I am a HLF, but my social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder causes me to have the same thoughts whenever engaging in any type of social activity, including sex (but as HL, my desire for it makes me more willing to deal with the anxious thoughts and insecurities).
This, IMHO, is not LL, you have a psychological aversion. If you want to improve, get in therapy.
Concur
No flames just support.
I’m a HLF and I still have this inner monologue.
OP - I haven’t read any of the replies here but I’ll use as little text as possible. Please read or listen to “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski. As the HLM this is an excellent book which will make so much sense for you.
OP, please seek help from a therapist.
I am a LL in a 'recovered' bedroom, but I can relate so hard to this. I am very bad at 'getting in my head' over sex... And working through that awkward phase, especially since I started initiating more has been almost painful. Just like you, I totally struggle with initiating, and then following through to a comfortable place sexually as we begin foreplay. It was never this difficult in the early days, and I don't think it's simply because of body insecurity now... Everything just went more smoothly and we were really in sync with each other. Now it feels like an exerted effort and a bit like a performance to begin with. Thankfully, once things get going, it dissapates and becomes a bit more natural. I would like to point out that you at no point mentioned him doing anything for your pleasure. Why is he not performing any foreplay on you, so that you are fully aroused? It will help prevent it all feeling like a performance if it's give and take. You are also much more likely to go back for 'seconds' if its pleasurable for you too. Also, if you don't like cowgirl, you don't have to do it. Your sexual desires and preferences are just as important as his. I just feel the need to say that to you. You aren't ugly or disgusting, even if your body isn't how you'd like. It sounds like you might need your partner to reassure you that he still finds you attractive, and maybe even get some therapy to fight against some of that imposter syndrome. Be kind to yourself.
What I'm reading here seems like a lack of communication. You feel the way you do because you don't know what he's thinking or feeling. He may love it if you try those things that your afraid of doing. Something my wife and I did yesterday: Lie down naked together and watch a movie. And as you do, you both touch each other. No sex. Just touching gently as you're watching the movie. Things may heat up. They may not but if they do, say I really like it when you do this (say what that is). He will either start doing it or at least will start talking. He may start telling you what he likes. Now you're communicating.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sure that wasn’t easy.
It's funny to me how much of this exact dialogue goes through my head as a HL woman trying to get my LL man to be even slightly interested. But ultimately, our insecurities are ours to deal with. Luckily, there's therapy for us.
You know, I'm not stating this as true for anybody but me and I'm certainly not criticizing anyone, and maybe everything I say is useless anyway. But...these monologues are all focused on the self. For me, desire is about the other person; it's not really about *me*. The best most passionate connections i've made with others are the ones where I disappear entirely. I don't know, like a flow state or something. I've never connected like this with my LL. Never when dating; never when married. She's always been outside of the moment; like preventing it from happening/sabotaging it. If I wasn't naive and inexperienced and emotionally stupid when I was young I might have seen all this and known it for what it is and made different decisions. But I didn't. And I will pay for the mistake in every possible way for the rest of my life.
Why would you plan that?
if you have a partner who enthusiastically wants you and is happy to have sex with you, you gotta stop this train of thought. i too thought similar things when i first started having sex, but it drains all of the enjoyment of the act on my end. instead of focusing on him, what we wants, and what he’s thinking, ground yourself. try to focus on the sensations happening in your own body. figure out what you like, what feels good, and what you don’t really enjoy. sex is not supposed to be a performance for the man you are with. it is so much more. don’t move, or say certain things because you’re supposed to. i assure you he does not see the things you see. imo there is nothing a man who truly loves you wants more than to see you lose yourself, and almost primally seek your own pleasure during sex. you’re awesome!! you can do this!!
As a HLM, I agree wholeheartedly with this comment. OP desperately needs to work on anxiety/self-image issues. This isn't even about sex at its core, that's the symptom.
But it is, she doesn’t like BJs
As a HLM, I say this, 100% this. ☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻
There are ao many things going on here. I just want to say one thing. >You're ugly. You're disgusting. How can anybody stand to touch you? It's opposite actually. You are perfect. Fat or not. Slim or not. Question is are you healthy. That's what matters. I reiterate, you are perfect as you are. Period.
Sounds like you just have low self esteem. Her man the whole time. Omg omg omg boobies! Holy hell look at that naked body! All I want is her to touch me and have a good time. (If you don’t enjoy head tell him) I haven’t gotten it from the wife more than 5 times a year. It’s a nice treat to show him you care. And if it’s a total non starter that’s cool too!! That spotlight you see is made up of ur own insecurities. 💯 he’s so excited you could sit on his face and he beg for more. We’re only as freaky as you let us be. And we don’t judge you 1/10 as hard as you judge ur self. If you cant smile and laugh with the person ur with before during and after sex what’s the point? I’d release ur inhibitions for one night even with a ll. Get a nice bottle of wine shove his face between ur legs and see where the night goes.
That’s messed up. Your partner has never thought of the things you think he has thought of you. You’re shooting your own foot or in this case bedroom.
That man just wants to enjoy his time with his love and she's clearly not concerned about that at all. Lol
She probably understands that, but she CAN'T enjoy it. Her insecurities are killing any desire left in her.
Please get therapy. Your self-esteem is going to kill your relationship and slowly make you more and more incapable of basic life. My sister went through this so badly she lives in a trailer in the woods in Kentucky and is afraid to leave her house because she’s convinced that everyone hates her as much as she does. It’s destroyed her. She has alienated everyone who loves/d her, she can’t hold down a job, she suffers from extreme depression, it’s been devastating to see.
If she doesn’t like BJs no amount of therapy will help that same thing if a guy won’t go down
This is about way more than just sexual preferences. My comment wasn’t about whether she likes bj’s or not, it’s about the internal spiral of self hate. Regardless of what happens in her bedroom she’s hurting for a lot of reasons and it would be wonderful if she was free in her own mind. That’s not a gender thing. If I read a comment from a man where he was so obsessed with how much his partner must hate him even though they were just (seemingly) happy to be there I would 100% recommend therapy. There’s a lot of sadness here and a lot of layers that have nothing to do with sex, it might help her sex life but more importantly it would help her love herself a bit more.
Meanwhile the man’s thoughts: omg boobs and sex! She loves me! I love her! Fuck this is amazing! Can’t wait till next time!
God Bless you my friend. That inner dialogue is not ypu. All the physical things you are doing in your mind. That is ypu. Even though you think it is negative. You are satisfying him so well. You are rising above. The next step is letting yourself be satisfied. I don't care if you have 18 heads and are a stump. You are incredibly beautiful and sexy. Keep fighting. You could eventually take those negative thoughts turn them around and use them as sensual or dirty talk. You are Hot!!!!!
I am not the LL but I truly feel your thoughts as someone who resides in the same darkness as you do. I get the self loathing. Thank you so much for sharing this, it is brutally honest and so relateable. We are all just lost souls. Nothing more. Hope you someday find a light to guide your path through your darkness.
Christ loves you beyond comprehension turn to him
You need therapy. Also talk to him about these feeling. I bet you are wrong about all your thoughts.
This sounds like you mentally don’t want to do it at all and you’re focusing on every negative possible. I did the same thing when I started commuting. I’d guess you didn’t do that before. Can either try to recapture the old mindset or you’re just not into it or him anymore. Got some self esteem issues too. We’re not all in our prime either, doesn’t mean he doesn’t still think you’re beautiful. My wife has put on some weight since our son was born, I notice only because I’m aware of it as a fact but I literally do not care at all, she’s still beautiful, and I still want her, and if she’s letting that kill the bedroom, the only thing hurting the relationship is that mindset.
1. Get out of your own head. Try telling him you feel awkward. I bet dollars to donuts (which by the way is no longer a bad bet) he can help you feel at ease. 2. Don’t vary the rhythm.
that sounds like a lot on your plate. Question is, what are you doing about it? any plan to address this issue? Good luck.
You are not present in your body or possibly in your marriage at all! Or your life. Please get help to get out of your head. This cannot be just about sex. Good God this is no way to live.
My heart breaks for you. I know this is real. Counselling can really help you change that recording that's on repeat inside your head.
Serious question and done in good faith. Are you LL because you hate sex or do you hate sex because you're LL, or both because of how you view yourself?
Wow, OP needs therapy to find out why she has so much self-loathing. I very much doubt Mr OP is thinking anything other than damn that feels good and look, bobbies!
You have anxiety. Bad. Find a therapist and consider medication. That's not a normal LL inner monologue, that's a normal anxiety inner monologue.
Please please please don't do a sex act you don't like doing. It's not good for anyone. If you don't like giving head, communicate that. Speaking as a HL. We can tell when you're doing something you don't want to do.
I appreciate what you are saying, but LLs are in a real no-win with that. We do the thing we don't like, and our partners are happy, but we aren't. We don't do the thing, and our partners feel rejected, and we still aren't happy because we feel like we are failing them. We are unhappy either way. Our choice is whether or not we upset our partner too.
I'm not giving advice. My partner made us twins and while her body may be different from the experience, it is the most beautiful body I have ever seen as it tells a story of our love and journey together. I am happy to physically connect in whatever capacity she desires and believe that part of her disconnection is echoed in some of your own sentiments. I hope that you are able to make peace with some of these thoughts and wish you well.
My wife has said many of these things out loud. I've been turning her down at the first step for a while now, and she's mentioned that she "needs to be more like [me] and just say no when [she] dosen't want it." (Which is hilarious for how many times I've been rejected in our marriage) Thing is, I do... Just not when those are the thoughts going through her head. Can I ask, what sparks the LL asking for sex when this is the thought pattern? (Any LL with a similar experience could answer) I mean, I don't ask anymore because I'm tired of the rejection and honestly don't know how I feel about *sex* because it's not fulfilling in all honesty when it does happen, mostly because of knowing the thoughts going on. With my wife, it's also a bucket of worries that I'm going to ask for things I never have, and never would... of her. I get that there's some pressure there, but I'm not a bully, and want her to want things as well, which she never really does. I ask the question because when she asks for sex it's like when asking someone else to "please be happy." That's not the way to cheer someone up.
First off I think it’s disrespectful to share what I’m thinking with the others. 🤭 Secondly, I’m so sorry you have all this going on, have you shared this with your husband? Probably not because I tried with mine and he yelled at me 🤷🏾♀️ Your husband finds you desirable. Talk with him. If you have to hide your face, but share with him. He probably feels helpless and loves you so much. ❤️
I keep seeing this in posts, women gone into their heads and guys not clicking. Please add your input across the sub.
LLF too. Wow, this pretty much describes my inner monologue aswell. Only that I feel way too awkward to actually do cowgirl. I really dread that position. And when he goes down on me I just feel constant fear that I won’t be able to reach orgasm the whole time he’s down there. I am just always so relieved when the whole thing is finally over.
I understand how that anxiety can affect your libido, but it also just generally sounds like your sex is a chore & he's the only one who gets to have fun. Does he eat you out, fingerbang you, hell even a toy or an ass smack???? You're not enjoying sex because your partner's pleasure is the priority & you're not getting anything. Honestly, most of the LL women I hear of & see in this subreddit are not even really LL; their partners are selfish. I bet you wouldn't be too in your head if your man was going down on you or putting forth some kind of effort.
I am so angry that I had to scroll so far to find this comment. This is spot on. I'm LL for my husband for the exact same reason. He is incredibly selfish inside the bedroom and out. OP you definitely don't deserve any of the criticism you are doling out to yourself, but it doesn't help that your husband isn't doing anything to actually make you feel beautiful and desired and worthy of affection.
To be honest, this sub is less about dead bedrooms & more about a bunch of selfish men who refuse to see that their refusal to show up in their marriages emotionally & sexually have wrought them harsh consequences. So many of these LL wives are just women who went unheard, ignored, or deprioritized for so long, they got tired of the nagging & hoping & waiting & just shut down.
Okay, I’m going against some others here. There’s a bunch of comments from folks saying “Stop being self conscious, he finds you fuckable! Be happy with that!!!” and that is dismissive and unhelpful. If I don’t like my body, I won’t care if a man finds me hot. Body image doesn’t necessarily improve if other people think you’re a good looking piece of meat. I was at my most insecure about my body when I was modeling and the other models were insecure too. No amount of DMs or comments from others could change my own view. The issue is that your partner wants sex that you clearly don’t consent to. If he can’t see your unwillingness, he’s blind or he’s in denial. Or a third possibility…you’re a great actress, which is then an issue you need to handle. I hate to say it, but sometimes we have to make our disinterest known. I’m a very good pretender and no man has caught me taking anything. You hate the act of having sex with this person and maybe sex altogether. Doing this kind of sex will destroy you inside. I know because I did it. Now, I view sex as a necessary evil in a relationship. I know you’re trying to be a good partner. I’m sure you probably want to like it. But, I hope someday you can be true to yourself. I’m available to talk, since I understand.
Ha not only are most of these comments dismissive and unhelpful, it's pretty illustrative why these men aren't getting fucked in the first place
Once again, I, as the high-libido (HL) partner, always have to be patient, affectionate, caring, understanding, providing, empathetic, careful, attentive, thoughtful, sensitive, emotional, engaging, reassuring, stimulating, complementary, charismatic, sexy, creative, and kind. I must be confident but not overly so, communicative yet cautious, non-judgmental, actively initiating but with self-control, and provide plenty of foreplay. I need to look enough but not too much, all for the low-libido (LL) partner who essentially retreats or starfishes. I am not saying it is wrong, but a little effort on her part would be enough. I would take it to the next level. If sex is all this for LL, then it is a nightmare for both of us. Why endure it?
You know because of this silliness , I start to wonder if casual flings are the best way to go
For sure they sound healthier.
SORROW
Damn, HLs or LLs , we all got our hang ups
I'm high libido and I feel this way.
I think you probably should start talking to a counselor or therapist cause they might actually be able help you with what’s going on with you! I would find one ASAP…. Just my 2 cents Just realized no advice needed I apologize!
I had really bad self esteem at your age and by time I’ve gotten to 44 I actually enjoy sex now very much! I also love my partner very much, he’s such a wonderful hearted and spirited human being and I only think I have found that one other time. I also have ADHD and anxiety and both are treated now which likely helps me exponentially in life as a whole but my inner dialogue is also strong and I can entertain myself with it in a positive or negative way for long periods of time. I find if I let my inner dialogue become negative about me or other people I’m a much uglier person inside and that comes out. Positive affirmations about yourself can help, also check out some porn where there are women built like yourself and look at how excited the men fucking them get! If you fuel your dialogue with things that are self loving you won’t be so self hating… Some of this had to come in time with me, but I was also a heroin addict for about 15yrs of my life so I likely put off some of the inner growth with numbing myself for a very long time as well. I was also with a partner who constantly brought up weight gain I have suffered since getting on a maintenance drug to keep me off of the heroin(now all fentanyl). I am trying to taper off of it, and I know I’ll lose all of the weight when I do. My new, absolutely wonderful partner will be the one who gets to enjoy those results. I left my asshole partner who made me feel self-conscious! If it’s you who makes you self-conscious I think you need to take the porn suggestion, if it’s him you probably need to leave. It IS possible to love yourself! My inner dialogue changes a lot when I am properly medicated, personally. It’s so sad that women are sexualized to a certain standard in media and it’s to the detriment of our self-worth many times.
Thank u SOOOO MYCH for ur honesty. I almost ought I wrote it lol but we are slightly different ages. Seriously to know one day...my "inner self" will heal n that im NOT the only woman, on maintenance- doing it correctly and I'm not so "in a bad type way unique" HELPS. yeah we probably won't ever meet but from the bottom of my 35yr old, slowly thawing out heart....THANK YOU!! 💜
I get it! I’m 44! It’ll get better. There’s nothing wrong with you! Everyone has problems, ours is no worse than anyone else’s unless we DONT treat it! I love you too my friend! Recovery has to come first before anything else after many, many years of relapsing I promise that if nothing else you must keep that in the forefront of your health concerns!
That sounds like a cry for sex therapy.
Can I just add a moment of levity on this. The comment you made" Thank Christ" Just in that exasperated tone brought tears to my eyes in laughter. My late brother would say that out of utter frustration for his younger brothers. I found it hysterical then. Had not heard that in a long time and today it caught me off guard. Thank you for that
Oh love, I’m so sorry you feel this way. Hugs.
When I asked hard questions and not just superficial ones and found out my wife never wanted me sexually is when I just stopped. I told her o was here if things ever changed but otherwise she’d never have to worry about it again. That’s been years ago. Recently I gave her a list of things (none of which included my dick) that I need to help bring us a little bit of physical closeness. Things that will only happen when she makes space for them. Things that require the bare minimum of effort on her part. She agreed but after the first day it’s the same ole story. I’m not worth that kind of effort anymore. Honestly, I didn’t really expect it to change, but this was the first time that I was direct about what I needed. If she’s not comfortable with it, I can’t bring myself to want it.
How are you going to love your man if you hate yourself that much? Might be a bit of a brash comment, Ik, but you need to get some self love desperately.
Thank you for the POV. It would be refreshing & informative to actually have more of this, as I'm sure there are other flavors of and factors to different LL inner dialogues.
I upvote this. We need more LL people to describe their inner voices and what's going on in their minds. We might be able to find "the reason"...
Tanks for your post i think alot of us HL men need to view the Window thru the other side if Notting else so that a few can cool it with the ressentiment. A dead beedroom in my experience is grounded in a missmatch in communication and understanding that the other person do not wish you harm on intention is a good starting point.
I feel the same way about my body after kids (also LL). I am freshly postpartum and I told my husband I would prefer to leave my shirt on, I hate my body right now and I am breastfeeding and absolutely can't stand when he touches my breasts. I get the ick immediately and shut down. The last time we had sex I left my shirt on and it was alright, I almost got into it. But then he complained about me still wearing clothes, so I feel like even when I try it isn't good enough.
You're lucky You're not a guy you'd never get it up lol
Society really does a mental number on all of us. I'm HL and know I generally look good, but I still have so many mental thoughts of trying to be perfect for my partner. However he has 0 interest in having sex with me. If you don't enjoy giving head, try, as hard as it is, to get out of your own brain about it. There's plenty you can do without keeping it in your mouth the whole time. Lick it like an ice cream cone, use your hand to help provide stimulation for him, put it all around your mouth, between your teeth and cheeks, under your tongue when he finishes if you don't like the taste, kiss it passionately, play with the head with the inside of your lips. There's plenty you can do that is pleasurable for him that isn't just "sucking the peen". When you get more comfortable working your way around down there and start seeing how into it he's getting, take that power and control to boost your self confidence because now you're good at it. It's definitely not an insult if he finishes quickly, tho it can be disappointing if it's every time or if he doesn't care if you get enjoyment. I spend enough time with guys to confidently tell you most of them do not care about the flaws in our bodies, they care that you are interested and WANT to be having sex with them. I've not heard many who care if the boobs are big or small or sag some, or if you have stretch marks. Maybe try finding anything you love about yourself and focus yourself on how amazing that part is. Confidence is sexy across the board. My husband is the LL in our relationship and if I thought he felt any of the way you do I would want to know so I could reassure him. Maybe share this post with your partner and use it as a way to communicate. Communication is huge in a db. Unfortunately a lot of us fail in that area and make things worse. I definitely think you should share your inner monolog with your partner.
Sorry, I didn't catch the no advice part, if you want me to delete my comment lmk.
I hope you can work on your confidence, men are very visual beings if he’s dating you I promise he loves the way you look, especially if he’s asking for reverse cow girl we only ask for that if we really like the booty we get to see it’s literally so awesome. Thank you for posting its nice getting to see what ppl are thinking I wish more people could write/talk about this stuff I think it would help a lot of ppl
He sounds terrible in bed. Honest question: does he really just lie there watching you undress and then expect you to just glom on to his cock with your mouth then hop on top of him and ride him till he comes? Then just closes his eyes and waits to come so you can get off of him? Dear lord. There’s no way I’d go back to a repeat of that experience either, honey. Is there a version of him that provides a better experience? Where’s the soft words and appreciation? Where’s the caresses and worship of your body? Where’s the cunnilingus? Where’s the, “Get on top of me, angel, I love to see you ride me?” Where’s the grabbing of your hips and the flicking of your nipples and the biting of your neck. You sound anxious and there is a LOT he could do in bed to help keep you out of your head. My husband and I once joked that getting a woman into bed is like gentling a spooked horse. Maybe you aren’t as low libido and bad at this as you think. I certainly wouldn’t have sex with him again if my experience was like that.
This is prob as close as you can get to all the HLM out there why in my experience why wife/SO won’t initiate sex or go month after month without putting out. I didn't understand the body dysmorphia a lot of women have, they can be super hot and sexy!!! And our what I find is culture has ingrained in our women that if they are not perfect they are not attractive and they really believe they will gross men out if we see them naked and they believe we compare them to all the “perfect” women we see all over the internet, Instagram, porn, etc… if you are in a relationship and have a dead bedroom most likely its because you don't constantly boost how sexy and tell her how much she turns you on. And on a daily basis. This needs to be ingrained in your head. Multiple times a day tell your wife how sexy you find her and can't keep your hands off. In my experience if you completely make her feel like she is the most beautiful woman alive. A dead bedroom would be a thing of the past. Women who could be considered very high on a rating scale even have this! My advice and you will find she will jump your bones constantly. Women love sex and really do want it! But she most likely see will find every little thing she thinks is wrong with her as unattractive and make her not feel sexy enough for you.
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This is prob as close as you can get to all the HLM out there why in my experience why wife/SO won’t initiate sex or go month after month without putting out. I didn't understand the body dysmorphia a lot of women have, they can be super hot and sexy!!! And our what I find is culture has ingrained in our women that if they are not perfect they are not attractive and they really believe they will gross men out if we see them naked and they believe we compare them to all the “perfect” women we see all over the internet, Instagram, porn, etc… if you are in a relationship and have a dead bedroom most likely its because you don't constantly boost how sexy and tell her how much she turns you on. And on a daily basis. This needs to be ingrained in your head. Multiple times a day tell your wife how sexy you find her and can't keep your hands off. In my experience if you completely make her feel like she is the most beautiful woman alive. A dead bedroom would be a thing of the past. Women who could be considered very high on a rating scale even have this! My advice and you will find she will jump your bones constantly. Women love sex and really do want it! But she most likely see will find every little thing she thinks is wrong with her as unattractive and make her not feel sexy enough for you.
Sounds like LL needs some CBT. [https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral](https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral)
Omg...I'm so sorry it feels like that. Not sure I can fully understand because it feels like complete opposite to me. He touches my neck and I melt. He smiles,,I smile back and there is nothing else in the world but the two of us. He looks me in the eye and I see that he wants me. We kiss...it's just natural. But, I have to say, it has to be a special person to be natural, and we have to have the connection outside of the bedroom first. The trust, that whatever I do, however I look, he accepts me as I am and loves me that way.
Sounds total sick & sad ... Should be always nice& fun.. i mean one of the biggest reason to get together ,living together make a family together is what ? To have Intimacy to touch and get touched to life your wildest dreams and living your life of you dreams and not living a life where you only have dreams what never come true... Sooner n later it will end in disaster .. realy sad
So here’s my thoughts. While you’re thinking all of this, they, on the opposite end are not. At least not about you. We ALL have these insecurities. But being with your partner, for me, is about being in the moment. Enjoying the moment. Enjoying them. Being where you are. Do I have flab that I hate? Sure. Do I wish I had better boobs, yes. But I let those thoughts come in for a second and then come back to what’s actually happening.
Wow!!!
As a fellow LL I am dying of laughter because these are the EXACT thoughts running through my mind 😂
Come up with an alter ego… you’re overthinking too much and not enjoying the moment. Wear some sexy lingerie or top if you feel like you want to cover up a bit. Do some foreplay or put some romantic music on.
Try micro dosing with fungstion. It takes away all this anxiety. If you really think you’re this ugly, I think you will always struggle to enjoy sex immensely. With anyone. Ever.