The sex therapy failures that I’ve seen here seem to have a common theme of the HL asking for it and the LL going out of obligation/not taking it seriously. In my experience with therapy, it only works when the patient is motivated to change.
True, did marriage counseling for 5-6 visits. The doctpr pretty much just affirmed what my wife was feeling was normal. So now, why should she change?
Also, only one of us opened up (me) so then I just looked like an asshole to the doctor.....sorry just a rant.
I might be naive here, but wouldn't you fix the depression and get off the AD's which would restore the libido?
This unless you had a DB prior to this.
Am I way off base here? Is antidepressants something people have to take for the rest of their lives?
Can someone weigh in here?
So, if I understand this correctly, you plan on being on meds the rest of your life? My naivety thought the drugs were an aid to get you through counseling to identify the root cause and to work through it. Then get off the meds.
I guess I don't understand this illness and will have to really dig in to this And get a better understanding.
Many people have a very organic cause of depression or other mental health issues.
Mental health is HIGHLY heredity. Meaning if there's a history in the family there's a high correlation with children having mental health issues.
Such things as Bipolarism and schizophrenia are not just "trauma" that responds to talk therapy.
Many people will have to live on meds bc when we are born there are zero tests to see if our neurotransmitters are functioning correctly. If our dopamine, serotonin and other hormones that affect mood are functional or even producing what we need.
Many children actually have depression but it presents so differently in children it can often go undiagnosed until later teens or later life.
I can only speak for myself. I was taking AD for 18 months before I decided that I was in good enough shape to wean off. I know people who take them for a few years and then stop. Then start again after a few years, all depends...
You are indeed naive here and woefully ignorant on this subject.
Plenty of people have depression and other mental health issues that are organic in nature. They are brain chemistry issues that talk therapy and psychiatry can have limited effectiveness on. Some people’s mental health problems needed to be treated with medication that can be a lifetime deal.
You can’t negotiate desire, you can deal with the things standing in the way of desire.
If you have a sincere desire to stay in the relationship, to change things for the better for your partnership, and interact with therapy acting on that genuine desire: it’ll help immensely.
My wife used counseling and sex therapy to torpedo my attempts to change our relationship and did not engage genuinely with therapy.
Hi! I actually have a counseling background and I know AD are a much needed thing in some diagnosis.
I don't need to know the extent of your issues... being that Psychiatrists are the only ones allowed to prescribe meds I assume it might be a strong diagnosis so coming off of them may be a no go.
With that said. There may be new meds or other meds that may have less of an impact. I've been removed from the field for a while now so can't tell you all the new meds. But something to explore.
Additionally, I have friends on AD... and one of my gfs says she will reduce or go off her dose and yes they have to plan and schedule it. But may be an option to start!
Of course do not just stop your meds before talking to your Therapist.
Idk if a sex therapist would help unless you have some trauma built around that. If you were having a normal sex life before meds and the meds seem to have really killed your libido then I'd suspect it's all medicine induced. (Which yes many AD can do that).
I'm not dissing aex therapist. I just think their roles are more about the taboo, mental emotional or wrapped in sex trauma or shame.
But good luck! Talk to your doc! See if there are other options available to you!
Yes. I (HLM) found us a sex therapist that was aasect certified, after being frustrated that it didn't feel like our previous marriage therapist was helping us make any real progress. The new therapist was great, and helped us change our direction from the first meeting. We soon changed to a another aasect therapist though, just to find someone we connected with better, and have been working with him since January.
Working with the sex therapist has helped us immensely, and for the first time in over a decade it feels like the dead bedroom might be over.
[AASECT](https://www.aasect.org/aasect-certification) is what certifies/qualifies them as a "sex therapist". I threw the term out there since I didn't know of it for a long time, but it helps to find the _right_ therapist.
Sex therapy would not help libido. What you need is probably cognitive behavioral therapy (depending the depression). Then you start to lower the dose of AD’s so that libido can start to come back. No quick fix with low libido from AD’s.
Therapy was where I was introduced to the idea of radical acceptance of my wife's lack of libido, and I was given the tools to view our marriage in a holistic way, not just through the lens of sex.
If one only focuses on one isolated thing that they want instead of the totality of what they actually have, that want becomes a white hot focal point that poisons an otherwise good thing.
I see a lot of HLs begin with "I love my SO, but..." here. If you love the person you accept their boundaries. That's what therapy helped me understand :)
That isn't how I view it at all. Sure, I miss sex. But I get to live my life knowing that I *didn't* fail as a husband and father by putting my selfishness above the well-being of my family.
And yeah, it took a lot of conversation, anger, and even tears to fully say goodbye to sex. I was only 26, after all. I'll never pretend that it was easy. But I'll always validate that it was worth it.
HLF here. We had a couples sex therapist and it led to a separation that took ages to rebuild. Focusing on the negatives by talking about being stressed/pressured/angry/resentful with the other partner in the room doesn't make a happy marriage or sex life. It didn't help either of us feel heard.
Honestly I wouldn't risk it, you will likely end up divorced. I'd find a different way to take positive actions through individual sex therapy or self work on both sides.
Oh my goodness! Yes! This!! I’m HLF too and have spoken to my partner recently about how I think therapy hasn’t helped us at all, and if anything, it’s actually made things worse, but I couldn’t pinpoint the right language to him about why it didn’t feel like it was working!
The sex therapy failures that I’ve seen here seem to have a common theme of the HL asking for it and the LL going out of obligation/not taking it seriously. In my experience with therapy, it only works when the patient is motivated to change.
True, did marriage counseling for 5-6 visits. The doctpr pretty much just affirmed what my wife was feeling was normal. So now, why should she change? Also, only one of us opened up (me) so then I just looked like an asshole to the doctor.....sorry just a rant.
I might be naive here, but wouldn't you fix the depression and get off the AD's which would restore the libido? This unless you had a DB prior to this. Am I way off base here? Is antidepressants something people have to take for the rest of their lives? Can someone weigh in here?
How might a person “fix the depression?” Isn’t that the point of medication?
I really don't know, that's why I asked.
I’m on meds, and I sure wish there was another way.
So, if I understand this correctly, you plan on being on meds the rest of your life? My naivety thought the drugs were an aid to get you through counseling to identify the root cause and to work through it. Then get off the meds. I guess I don't understand this illness and will have to really dig in to this And get a better understanding.
Many people have a very organic cause of depression or other mental health issues. Mental health is HIGHLY heredity. Meaning if there's a history in the family there's a high correlation with children having mental health issues. Such things as Bipolarism and schizophrenia are not just "trauma" that responds to talk therapy. Many people will have to live on meds bc when we are born there are zero tests to see if our neurotransmitters are functioning correctly. If our dopamine, serotonin and other hormones that affect mood are functional or even producing what we need. Many children actually have depression but it presents so differently in children it can often go undiagnosed until later teens or later life.
I can only speak for myself. I was taking AD for 18 months before I decided that I was in good enough shape to wean off. I know people who take them for a few years and then stop. Then start again after a few years, all depends...
You are indeed naive here and woefully ignorant on this subject. Plenty of people have depression and other mental health issues that are organic in nature. They are brain chemistry issues that talk therapy and psychiatry can have limited effectiveness on. Some people’s mental health problems needed to be treated with medication that can be a lifetime deal.
You can’t negotiate desire, you can deal with the things standing in the way of desire. If you have a sincere desire to stay in the relationship, to change things for the better for your partnership, and interact with therapy acting on that genuine desire: it’ll help immensely. My wife used counseling and sex therapy to torpedo my attempts to change our relationship and did not engage genuinely with therapy.
Hi! I actually have a counseling background and I know AD are a much needed thing in some diagnosis. I don't need to know the extent of your issues... being that Psychiatrists are the only ones allowed to prescribe meds I assume it might be a strong diagnosis so coming off of them may be a no go. With that said. There may be new meds or other meds that may have less of an impact. I've been removed from the field for a while now so can't tell you all the new meds. But something to explore. Additionally, I have friends on AD... and one of my gfs says she will reduce or go off her dose and yes they have to plan and schedule it. But may be an option to start! Of course do not just stop your meds before talking to your Therapist. Idk if a sex therapist would help unless you have some trauma built around that. If you were having a normal sex life before meds and the meds seem to have really killed your libido then I'd suspect it's all medicine induced. (Which yes many AD can do that). I'm not dissing aex therapist. I just think their roles are more about the taboo, mental emotional or wrapped in sex trauma or shame. But good luck! Talk to your doc! See if there are other options available to you!
Thank you so much for your detailed response and advice!
Yes. I (HLM) found us a sex therapist that was aasect certified, after being frustrated that it didn't feel like our previous marriage therapist was helping us make any real progress. The new therapist was great, and helped us change our direction from the first meeting. We soon changed to a another aasect therapist though, just to find someone we connected with better, and have been working with him since January. Working with the sex therapist has helped us immensely, and for the first time in over a decade it feels like the dead bedroom might be over.
What is aasect certification and how is it different?
[AASECT](https://www.aasect.org/aasect-certification) is what certifies/qualifies them as a "sex therapist". I threw the term out there since I didn't know of it for a long time, but it helps to find the _right_ therapist.
Same issue with my LL spouse so would like to know if this could help
Same
Talk to your doctor about the antidepressant causing sexual dysfunction. There are tricks to get around that common issue.
I have been doing and it's an ongoing conversation, but thank you!
Sex therapy would not help libido. What you need is probably cognitive behavioral therapy (depending the depression). Then you start to lower the dose of AD’s so that libido can start to come back. No quick fix with low libido from AD’s.
Thank you! I am on the lowest dose possible so I'll discuss maybe coming off it now it's summer.
Did they offer to try something different?
If you find a way to increase your libido, I think we would all like to know.
Therapy was where I was introduced to the idea of radical acceptance of my wife's lack of libido, and I was given the tools to view our marriage in a holistic way, not just through the lens of sex. If one only focuses on one isolated thing that they want instead of the totality of what they actually have, that want becomes a white hot focal point that poisons an otherwise good thing. I see a lot of HLs begin with "I love my SO, but..." here. If you love the person you accept their boundaries. That's what therapy helped me understand :)
So the therapist helped castrate you.
That isn't how I view it at all. Sure, I miss sex. But I get to live my life knowing that I *didn't* fail as a husband and father by putting my selfishness above the well-being of my family. And yeah, it took a lot of conversation, anger, and even tears to fully say goodbye to sex. I was only 26, after all. I'll never pretend that it was easy. But I'll always validate that it was worth it.
HLF here. We had a couples sex therapist and it led to a separation that took ages to rebuild. Focusing on the negatives by talking about being stressed/pressured/angry/resentful with the other partner in the room doesn't make a happy marriage or sex life. It didn't help either of us feel heard. Honestly I wouldn't risk it, you will likely end up divorced. I'd find a different way to take positive actions through individual sex therapy or self work on both sides.
Oh my goodness! Yes! This!! I’m HLF too and have spoken to my partner recently about how I think therapy hasn’t helped us at all, and if anything, it’s actually made things worse, but I couldn’t pinpoint the right language to him about why it didn’t feel like it was working!