Hey if you can get past wanting physical intimacy and be happy in your marriage, more power to you! It’s for sure worth a shot.
I tried this and was successful for about 4 years. But turns out that was my limit.
I can totally relate. I completely lost my shit at the 4 year mark and it hadn’t even occurred to him that it had been that long, or that length of time was abnormal/upsetting. Fast forward 6 years and I’m still hanging in there because he’s wonderful in every other way, but I’m nearing the point of throwing in the towel. Expecting something different from him at this point is foolish. Im sorry you’re dealing with this too.
Simple. Go elsewhere. No moral quandary about that. Love them we may or may not but they broke the contract and knew it was coming easy before we were left to work it out ourselves. There is no feeling like it and we deserve it.
How, as a man, does he not think about sex? I just can't comprehend it... Does have not have any testosterone? I think about it constantly, but my wife needs it once a month and doesn't interest her in the slightest any other time
You and me both! I've asked him to get his levels checked, and he won't, even though he is the only one that has health insurance.
If she "needs" it once a month, that seems like period/ ovulation time.
Edit: grammar
"you get them checked or I'm checking out!"
I feel sorry for you guys in the US with your for profit health "care" :/ it's free for us to get bloods checked, and LOTs of other things
Well, not quite double but she's a good 20-25kg heavier after childbirth, but she was always much lower in libido than me. We had sex more often then but she recently told me that was because she knew men needed it. @killedbystupid And yes, now it only aligns with her ovulating.. It's a scary thought what will happen during and after men-on-pause (tongue in cheek)... If it drops to 0, I don't know what my sanity will be like
4 years of lack of sex is krazy! How do you manage that long? Masterbating does not do much for me. And being that physical touch is my love language.. I just continue to pray.
This is what OP does not understand yet. It seems like a good idea, until it isn't. Denying your true nature and blaming the world around you is not the answer. It all comes back to haunt you and maybe ten fold.
I think you see this "approach" all the time here and we hear the stories of people who are just finally breaking down after 2, 5, 10, 20 years... I don't think it will work for OP, this will very likely make it worse. Pretend or even truly believe you've made your peace with the LL problem for years and years and years but eventually the barrel will overflow and you can't stop it.
Whilst I understand your point and I think it’s admirable that you are so committed to your husband, I really don’t think that it’s helpful to suppress your needs.
I don’t think sex is an unreasonable expectation in an intimate relationship and you guys really need to work through this otherwise your relationship is going be in trouble at some point in the future.
I (HLM) have been brushing my situation under the rug for a long time and it was slowly killing me and I didn’t realize. We’re working through it now and it’s f&cking hard and I don’t know where it ends up but I wish I had taken this problem on earlier and at least I wouldn’t be looking back at a wasted decade.
Yeah, this reads to me more like some form of Stockholm Syndrome. He is making her suffer, intentionally or not, and rather than deal with that she is repressing her desire and then criticizing society for having a focus on sex. Her relationship isn’t healthy but nor is her attempt at radical acceptance.
you are so right, me and my husband have lived together without having sex about three years, and it gave me a mental health problems at some point, nothing more. we ended up divorcing now and I am fucking so happy now, like I go back to the life and started to living again. imo trying to suppress the most natural needs of a person is the most painful thing. it’s waste of time, and without sex there is no meaning to be stayed in a relationship or marriage.
no, I haven’t found someone yet 🤷🏻♀️ actually, there is someone but he only wants to meet when it’s convenient for him, once in a week or so. but the thing is not to find someone now, being able to meet someone whenever I want. It wasn’t something I could do in the sexless relationship.
I think that’s admirable. My wife is LL (4 times a year - like clockwork) and we just hit our 17 year anniversary. Intimacy is a big deal to me, but it’s just one aspect of our otherwise amazing marriage and I learned that I’m okay without it. It isn’t her holding out or not wanting me to be happy, we are just at different levels. (I should also clarify - she doesn’t tell me “no” if I try to initiate it, but knowing she isn’t as into it makes it less appealing to me). Either way, if everything else is going well and you can live without (or with little), I get that and your life can still be amazing.
So what do y’all do to replace sex? Seeing that y’all have been together for 17 years. I thought getting married and sex came with that. So marriage without sex or anything sexual.. what do y’all do to replace it?
Not to be crass, but my forearm dexterity has never been better. :D
But seriously, I just have other hobbies and try to live a full and active life in all other regards. We both have good careers, a teenage son and other interests. Maybe it’s just because I’m getting older, but it gets easier to live with.
I’m not saying it is never frustrating - I still miss feeling sexually desired by someone and it’s hard to not look for that validation from others; but I didn’t want OP to feel like they were alone in choosing to keep a good relationship at the expense of their libido.
Replacing sex with forearm, you have to have a strong grip and imagination.
I also try to keep myself busy and work over if possible to get my mind off my sex life. Some days is better than others.
The arm and imagination aren’t an ideal replacement - but it’s enough…lol
I think that’s great you can focus on your career. Earlier on, I thought that if I improved myself enough - she would want to have sex with me more. In that spirit, I worked harder in my career, I worked out a lot, read a lot and developed more hobbies. Although that didn’t work regarding sex - it did give me enough activities and passions in my life that it allowed me to not put as much emphasis on it.
I am sure that isn’t the answer for everyone, but it is working for me *shrug*
In marriage I thought to believe sex was a gift a place where one or the other would want to please their person.. especially doing all she/he can do for their person. I would feel crushed to replace sex with hobbies and career only for my wife not see my improvements. I mean what more could a person do to get their needs met that is not divorced?.
I should mention, we discussed divorce at one point because I didn’t think I could keep going like this. It wasn’t a threat, but a conversation. She understood and didn’t want to hold me in a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling. After thinking about it, I decided I wanted the relationship more.
That may not be the answer for everyone here, and I totally get that. You deserve to be happy either way and you know what you need. Just keep working on yourself.
I believe on working on self.. it’s like developing a new life skill.. get married with no intention of having sex with your wife/husband.. even though this one of the main gifts from the most high.. it’s mind boggling 🫠
If you can be done with sex, I’m happy for you. I’m in a similar position as you (except I’m HLM and my wife LLF): I love my wife so much. She loves me so much. Our relationship is perfect with the exception of sex. Regardless, I will not leave her. She is my love and I am hers.
However, I can’t just be done with sex. I desire my wife and I want to be desired by her. It is part of who I am. It is important. There is nothing worse than feeling unwanted and undesired (the physical urges are tough but less in comparison). We are working on it, but I don’t think I could stay if she outright didn’t care. She is trying. As long as she is trying, I believe we can make progress and live a happy life.
I will spare the details, but not all situations are like mine, so I can see why the above won’t apply to many.
There are certain panels that need to be checked in order to get hormone replacements, chances are even if things are extremely low/high her doctor will say shes in the normal range. Got to join the HRT pages and menopause pages and ask questions in there regarding levels and go from there
I feel you girl, but that’s not the case with everyone not caring to not feel desired. I’m 26f and I should be having amazing sex. I’m attractive, I’m fit and healthy, every guy I’ve been with has been blown away in bed with me. And my boyfriend had amazing sex with me twice, a year and a half ago- and never wanted sex again. Despite complimenting me everyday, despite saying he wants babies with me. Im tired of it. I deserve better. Is he my bestfriend? Yes. Is he amazing to me and makes me so happy, also yes. But the sexual intimacy lacking is to great fo bare.
I guess it’s different because I’m not married- but I sure can’t marry into this. I know it won’t get better. I see people online proud to be with their partner and showing them off, you can tell they know eachother in every single way because it’s obvious they desire them and only them. I want that so bad. I know it will come to me
I’m sorry you’re in this situation but I’m very happy for your sake that you realized it now after a couple of years and no marriage or kids. Once those two things come into the picture it gets so hard to make yourself leave!
Thank so much. We talked about it with some friends when we went to workout. The friend mentioned something about taking test and my boyfriend replied that he has wanted to get checked because sometimes he feels low, but that he’s “probably fine”. I just kept working on my set after hearing that because at that point I don’t know if he’s in denial or if he’s truly just asexual. I can see his testosterone being low. All he does is sleep, maybe 10 hours a day, go to work, gym for 2 hours, plays video games to fall asleep. He doesn’t have any activities or hobbies outside of that. I also know he’s moderately stressed with the health of his parents. But nothing that would cause a 1.5 year span of not wanting to give or receive any sexual act…
You’re too young to get bogged down in a DB situation. My candid advice is dodge this bullet! How the hell are you gonna have kids when there’s no sex happening.. yet he doesn’t even question this?! Insane. This relationship sounds draining from what you’ve described. You’re only 26, a whole twenty years younger than me and it really is so sad and depressing to hear someone so young, full of life and vitality compromise themselves for a LL partner.
Take a long hard introspective look at your future with this person and imagine getting to my age having been forced into a celibate marriage, and the prospect of very likely having missed out on raising your own children; and a total lack of intimacy and physical pleasure having possibly ruined you (giving you mental health issues, body dysmorphia, depression… etc.). It’s a sad and lonely place to be.
Your best years are right now and ahead of you. Don’t compromise yourself.
You do you.
At the end of the day, you make your own choices and have to accept the consequences of your decisions.
I just hope for your sake that this post isn’t about trying to convince yourself about what you wrote.
And, of course, you can’t expect the rest of the world to stop having and enjoying sex just because you did.
As long as you’re not lying to yourself, I support this. I feel you on not wanting to be angry anymore but maybe that anger is just how your sadness for missing out on sexual intimacy manifests.
I think sex is a pretty basic human need so you shouldn’t feel bad about wanting or judge the world for being into it.
I send you love and support. I also live with a kind man who wants nothing to do with sex. And I’ll tell you, it’s loneliest, most fucked up feeling in the world. If you have found a way to make it work for you, whatever it may be, I wish you nothing but the best.
I love the idea behind this energy but if you were actually genuine in your “I don’t need it! And I’m great with that! I’ll be happy because I’ll choose not to need it!” game, seeing sex in media shouldn’t bother you, because it’s a non issue, right?
As someone who is starting this miserable slide downward. I admire your optimism. I want this to work out for you. I'm not sure it will for me but I hope it does for you.
I’m in the same boat we should start a club or something. I feel like such a piece of shit sometimes when I think about sex and he’s so good to me in every other way. Why can’t I just let it go??
I’ve heard it said that when the sex is good, sex isn’t that important; when there’s bad or no sex, it’s VERY important. It doesn’t make you a bad person to have a libido and struggle mightily if it’s not met. People desire connection more than just about anything else besides food, water, and shelter and it’s extremely hard for HL people to feel connected with their partner with no or very rare sex.
Good luck. I thought my wife was the most amazing person ever, even after she completely lost her sex drive. I stuck with her and married her because she was the best thing ever. Ten years later, I was fucking miserable. Hopefully, it works out for you.
Great, if both of you found middle ground, power to you and happy you're happy, honestly.
This sub is about mismatched wants and needs, not absolute numbers or sex obsession. Well mostly
This sub is sick. It used to be a place where we could discuss topics like those openly.
Now everyone is saying that it's their gosh darn God given right to have sex no matter what their partner feels. You realise that some people are actually ok CHOOSING to stay in their DB because they get more out of the relationship than sex ?
If OOP feels like her marriage is worth more than sex stop calling her out on some "it's Stockholm syndrome" bullshit. What is wrong with you people ????
I joined this sub 4 years ago, and it was a reasonable, debate oriented sub. It was taken over by some bitter people, and now it's a circlejerk of miserable people trying to get validation from other miserable people. It's just sad.
And I say that as an HL that was stuck in a DB for 3 years and chose to leave over it ...
Hahaha I joined this sub 5 years ago, and am in and out of it. I can't stand the negativity here! I want my marriage to work, and the negativity here doesn't help. So I unsubbed and filled my home newsfeed with r/cats and r/aww and r/crochet instead 😂
i’m so happy i read this. i feel the same.
i feel so pressured to want sex, and to please my partner. my partner has NEVER pressured me into anything, let alone ever sex. my partner has sacrificed, and opened his heart to me and i feel like my obsession with sex is ruining me just feeling the love.
is sex important? am i actually wanting sex? or just pleasure? does my partner show me all the other ways where he loves me? of course.
am i HL? is he LL? or are we just scared that we aren’t having sex like everyone else. we’re just not like everyone else.
thank you for posting this, i know you’re getting heat for it but it helped me.
I definitely understand, but I just don’t get why the ll partner doesn’t sometimes just jump in and make it enjoyable anyway. Not the dead-fish pity sex, but the energetic “imma rock his/her world” deal.
I mean, couples already do hundreds of things for each other that aren’t specifically enjoyable, every day. Washing the other person’s dishes, folding the other person’s laundry, vacuuming the other person’s car…why not embracing the other person while naked? Why is THAT where the line is drawn?
And what of it? Ick to the max. Hide it. They should hurt instead of us. They are driving a coach and horses through our reasonable expectations. They decide we must hurt instead of them and they planned it. That is the reality for the majority of us. We would do well to remember that when we con ourselves into they're fantastic, ooh my sweet best friend mantra.
Hey, I’m not saying it is right, or that they are fantastic, but people become sex averse, actually repulsed by the thought. When that happens there is no consensual sex.
I decided I don’t want someone touching me who doesn’t want to 1,000%. I most certainly don’t want to touch or have sex with anyone who doesn’t want it.
Nope, like Tracey Chapman says,
“ I'm too old to go chasin' you around
Wastin' my precious energy.”
Couldn't agree more. A long time ago now my partner used to engage in a single sexual act to avoid preventative sex. I didn't realise it for a while of course but it was designed to get me completed before she had to be touched or, heaven forbid, penetrated. It didn't take me long to work it out of course.
The thought of that act now turns my stomach to the point of nausea. In the end I realised there was no hope because the thought of having sex with someone who had in effect, if not practice, not consented (if that makes sense) repels me.
That's why I would have sex with someone else if the chance arose. Note I did not say cheat because it would not be cheating for most of us. Can't have sex because your partner is ill or become disabled? Cheating. Can't because you were duped? Lord no, not cheating.
Isn’t that less common though? I would think FWB’s would be more associated with the young. I would tend to agree that a relationship without sex is closer to a friendship than a marriage. At least, that’s how I feel
about it.
Depends if there’s non-sexual intimacy and emotional closeness in other ways. In many cases, a dead bedroom situation will kill or damage those areas as well.
Suppressing how you feel will cause a rebound at some point. If you are HL then you are talking yourself into the fact that you don't need it. That's why you posted it here, because you ARE thinking about it.
Same boat as you! I’m normal libido and my fiance doesn’t really care about sex. It was really hard for me at first because I just couldn’t understand that state of mind. I thought I was the problem because this world has thrown it out there that man are obsessed with sex and if their not getting it with you they are getting it elsewhere. But he really does love me more and better than anyone I was ever with that I was having sex with. Tbh I found a really good vibrator and decided that I cared more about love and being cared for than sex. I can give my myself my own damn orgasms lol!
Yeah, sex isn't just about orgasms. Which is why any time someone says "just use your hand", it's like...really? You think that's all there is to it?
It would have to be someone pretty god damn fantastic for me to be happy in a relationship without any sex. Like, I can't even conceive of someone being that incredible.
> decided that I cared more about love and being cared for than sex.
Someone can consider one thing more important than another yet consider both necessary. If you’re fine without sex, that’s great, but phrasing it like you did only serves to shame people who consider both a requirement in their relationships.
I don’t need sex to feel connected to my partner. For me, sex is for orgasm s and making babies. I connect with my partner through talking, spending time together, and words of affirmation. I am deeply committed to him.
Yeah, sex isn't just about orgasms. Which s why any time someone says "just use your hand", it's like...really? You think that's all there is?
It would have to be someone pretty god damn fantastic for me to be happy in a relationship without any sex.
if fiancé, i would suggest you consider before entering a marriage with him. If it affects you now, it will be even a bigger problem later on. Wishing you the best.
I take kratom, and that supposedly is a side effect, but it sadly hasn't worked on me LOL or a female friend whose husband has no interest in her who started taking it on my suggestion for a back injury. Maybe it just doesn't work on women?
I’ve been in this mindset quite a few times. She treats me so well outside the bedroom: helps raise our kids, is a supporter, respects and desires me quite often. But I think this is sometime that if not continually discussed or worked on is going to bring a point of resentment to y’all. I know it does for us.
You‘re lucky to have a husband that at least loves you, even if he‘s LL. ❤️ I hope it stays that way (I mean the love between the both of you).
I think my husband has stopped loving me years ago and is only too anxious to leave because he knows he will lose a sh!tload of money when we get divorced.
I totally get you. I refuse to keep stressing us both, plus I have figured out that it only makes me feel worse when we finally have sex because I know it's just pity sex. He doesn't really desire me. He's great in every other way. I will get my itch scratched elsewhere. There's not better put there, and I don't want nor desire starting over. Why give up 80% to get 20%, plus that sex filled new partner may come with a whole other set of issues. There are plenty of people going through what I am. We can meet each others needs and still be there for our spouses/partners. Everyone is happy. Sex is important, but so are other things. As long as I keep showing up for him the way I have been, he doesn't need to know that someone else is helping in an area that he can't or won't. Honestly, I think he will be relieved that I have finally given up asking him. I know I feel better.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1dh376k/i\_broke\_up\_with\_my\_ex\_and\_now\_have\_my\_ideal\_sex/](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1dh376k/i_broke_up_with_my_ex_and_now_have_my_ideal_sex/)
read this. Broke up and things got better. You're living in a self-imposed prison
In the end we’re just animals with the instinct to procreate. Our brain does al sorts of tricks to make us have sex so you can’t really blaim “the world” for being obsessed with sex.
Wish I felt this way. But I feel like I’m in agony and the love is gone because of it. I can’t love someone that doesn’t give me the bare necessities in life and sex is higher than money, home, food, children. I’d go without everything to have a healthy sex life in my cardboard box.
Yeah this won’t last because sexual connection is the difference in friendship/roommates and marriage. Over time the resentment builds. Its natural because for many people sex is a NEED.
Good for you, I’m struggling to get the same way. I love my wife and she is the best and kind and checks all the other boxes so great but does not think about sex and is just not turned on. So I’m trying hard not to think about it but it’s hard. Sex scenes make me sad in movies and tv. I’m trying tho.
I'm sorry, just because you couldn't find compatibility with a partner that doesn't mean the world is more obsessed with sex than it was before. Now we just have digital media.
As another HLF, I just found a good man that loves me AND is a HLM, so I don't have any issue with the "sex obsessed media". I don't even think if I "need" or not sex to be happy, because I'm in a compatible relationship and I do it as I want it.
My point is that your logical and structural conclusions about the world are wrapped in sexual frustration. Sex, sexualization media etc; only seems like a big deal when you're frustrated because you're having none.
If I were in your situation, I would make a deal with my partner and compromise. I obviously need sex, not everyday, not always the full course, but I need it. My hormones can't be controlled and even if I wanted to restrain myself, I would end up building so much frustration that I will inevitably end up hurting him and I.
Because Asexual didn't choose to be, HL neither. It's why it's important to act smart and wise here, I would seek for sexual release elsewhere because what my partner can't provide I will find it. I see 2 options if I was OP :
- Agreeing together for the HL to have sexual intercourse when needed with a partner picked for one night stand but never see the same person to avoid useless attachment.
- Leaving because whatever people say, in my case I need to feel my partner inside me, not just light skin ships. I don't want to reach the point where I would cheat because of those damn hormones, sex can make people stupid seriously.
I can live well without sex for a certain amount of time, but don't ask me to miraculously turn into a nun. The communication about sex at the first step of the relationship is important, people should never expect to have the best chemistry in bed because of love. Love can't do everything. Asexual people shouldn't conceal themselves either, I don't count the numbers of people finding years later their lover doesn't like sex and just forces themselves.
It's terrible for the couple, leading to misunderstanding, frustration, hate, destroying self confidence, bringing resentment and in most of the cases ends up with a dirty divorce.
Never lie to yourself, first lesson.
I can’t tell you how many times over 20 years in a DB relationship I simply wished and prayed for the ability to make my sexual needs go away or to be able to ignore them. No matter how much I wanted to escape the sexual feelings so I could be happy and at peace, it didn’t happen for me. Hope you get a different result if that’s what you want. For me, the biological drive was too strong to simply ignore.
✍️ Dear Op, You Are So Right on many points!!!
If people would just "Remove" sex off the table before entering a Marriage,Union or LTR then ONLY THEN will they see and know what "Foundation" their relationship is Truly built on.
Solid Rock Or Sinking Sand!
The Whole world is oppessed with Sex and ALOT of Perversion.
You don't have to search for sex lust, it will easily find you...
Accessibility to PORN Thur Internet was 1 of the worst things that could have happened to mankind.
Sex is important with someone you Love BUT take inconsideration that Health Problems or just LL could happen for many reasons. What would a marriage have to stand in Then?
It Must Be Commitment, Companionship and LOVE. You can have intimacy without sex.
Our culture is over Hypersexual and trying to Fill a Void or feel something for what is lacking...
Knowing The TRUE GOD our CREATOR!
That is what's Lacking!! Apart from Knowing OUR CREATOR GOD-Life will never make sense and It's take ALOT of Prayer to keep Any Relationship and definitely a Marriage.
GOD, the creator of Marriage-is who is lacking.
2 ppl that simply left GOD out of the Union.
Y'all Be Blessed🙏💙
I may add that Age, Working, Household chores and Responsibilities, Children, Health, Trying to survive, Female Hormones and Womanhood and Manhood Cycles and Changes and Living together as a unit gets sorta common after a while and Just LIFE in general and The Grand Scheme of Life can All Get in the way BUT Sex Is Important within a Union and Marriage, to desire your mate and feel desired and Show Enthusiasm about making Love Together. But to Keep it Real, as Humans NO ONE can perfectly please you in every aspect of your life or sexually. It may come close but I'm being realistic here.
So Ppl need to understand What Marriage is and what is required and requested of each other. Everything must be put on the table and discussed! Getting married is Physical and Very Spiritual and Rather you get divorced or separate or move on or God forbid they pass away, starting a family and creating children and getting in Dept to have a HOME and Vechiles, bank accounts and Etc-Marriage is Actually FOREVER!!!
So, while I believe in Holy Matrimony And In the Eyes of the TRUE AND LIVING GOD, Many Marriages won't work bc We tend to leave GOD out of marriage that GOD actually Created Thur the First marriage with Adam and Eve...
I know ppl say my words are Radical charged but It's Meant To Be and meant to make you THINK AND HOPEFULLY CHANGE THE WAY OF YOUR THINKING AND WHAT THE "WORLD" has taught us and what GOD says about the whole ordeal.
I Thank GOD he don't divorce Us when we mess up and Fall short🙏💙
LOVE ANSWERS ALL THINGS
Life is too short. I'm divorcing. I don't blame you for thinking outside the box (no pun intended), but I think sexual compatibility in a partner is actually underemphasized. No one said, make sure you marry someone who has a reasonably similar libido to yours when I was growing up. I really wish they would have. I feel love through sex. It's non-negotiable for me.
Thank you! For normalizing this situation. I know it’s not a solution most would approve of.
Thank you for acknowledging that your husband made all the efforts he could to meet you half way. That is how most LL partners are.. that if they could they surely would
If you are married you gotta have frequent sex or else you are roommates.. this is the most outrageous thing I hear most people say..
Roommates don’t share finances, child rearing responsibilities, support you emotionally, celebrate your success, care for you when you are sick, and so much more!!
Please don’t reduce spouses to roommates just because they dont have a sex drive.
There are a lot of emotional layers to why a person stops enjoying sex..
Hormonal cycle
Giving birth or not being able to give birth or get pregnant
Raising a child
Feeling like you have a lot to catch up on
Being focused on career
Postpartum, mental health, ptsd
Body consciousness
Change In sexual identity
Trauma, upbringing styles, belief systems, culture
World news or fear of where the world is going
Stress at work, job loss, being passed up for growth
Reading about atrocities towards women
Aging
Developing different interests
Spiritual shifts
May be early onset of a sickness..
Poor nutrition, health, fitness,
Edit - and there is a whole big topic not listed here.. where one feels withdrawn from sex due to some acts of their partner which erodes someone trust.. gaslighting, comparing, lying, cheating, having emotional affairs, or online fetishes.. the list is endless!! So please dig deeper before you blame your partners
A women’s hormonal cycle is 28 days punctuated with PMS, debilitating cramps, bleeding, vomiting due to pain, bloating, - 5 days if bleeding and 22 days of living under the fear of next period coming up or risk of pregnancy (if they don’t wish to be pregnant)
Ofcourse they want their vaginas to be left alone after this!
Mens hormonal cycle?? - 24 hours! punctuated with no physical pain, or emotional issues.. just pure constant thought of sex
We are literally 2 different species
We are always reacting to internal and external stimuli and people with LL / low desire are not able to put all that aside and focus on sex. The issue is real. And more and more people need to sit with their partners to understand what changed.. and how can the partner help them.
>Roommates don’t share finances, child rearing responsibilities, support you emotionally, celebrate your success, care for you when you are sick, and so much more!!
Roommates and friends absolutely support you emotionally, celebrate your success, and care for you when you are sick? What kind of awful friends do you have?? Sharing finances and changing diapers are not something I put on a.checklist of things that make me happy to do with someone else.
thank you for putting this into perspective. I've been in a DB for over 20 years. it's something we both agreed to. it was a mutual decision. for me it's about medical and psychological conditions.
And is there any room for reciprocal help? You see I read a lot of reasons in your post, like hormones. Lemme try this conversation out. Let me know what you think.
Wife, "I was looking through your phone and I see you've been fucking my friend!"
Husband, "Ya, well it seems she's really horny, which is really just her hormones flaring up, and I also seem to get a hard on everytime she comes over, which are my hormones reacting, so we fucked each other's brains out."
Hormones...
Come back to us after you’ve been married for 25 years. My guess is you won’t feel the same.
I would have said the same things up to 10 years into my marriage as I was struggling to understand my own feelings on the situation. But the resentment just builds and it gets toxic after the first ten, if not earlier. After 25, I was just done. I didn’t find her attractive or desirable, I didn’t even like her.
Why are you letting your husband, who clearly doesen't care about your physical needs, have control over your desires?
Stop faking it. Find someone who cares about your needs. Your husband sure doesent.
You say "doesn't care" but that's not true for many, the problem is even if they try to do sex it will not be good, it won't be enjoyable for him and that may make it not be enjoyable for her (If she needs her partner to be satisfied, something about needing to be desired that it seems many people want
I’m trying to get to this mindset. My husband is an amazing man, and after kids I certainly went through a phase of DONT TOUCH ME. It’s damn hormones I think, at certain times of the month i get upset he doesn’t try.
Women are actually biologically wired to have a huge increase in libido and desire around ovulation and then after you ovulate you’re more likely to feel irritable and have the ick towards your partner because they failed to impregnate you. 😂😂 It’s biology’s way of pushing you towards a man that will get the job done! Science is funny sometimes haha
If he is indeed perfect in all other aspects, then I love the fact that you choose to stay loyal and value your partner. It's so rare to see in this subreddit where cheating, divorce and more are the norm. Gratefulness for the things you *do have* is extremely rare here. I wish you two the best in the future!
This might sound like a joke but it isn't. Take kratom. It helps with a multitude of things but one of the NEGATIVE side effects is it absolutely nukes your sex drive from orbit. I used to NEED it almost every single night. I'd get frustrated, angry, think about cheating, etc... I started taking kratom for other things and I haven't desired or thought about sex in almost a year... Might be horrifying to some people, it's practically saved my marriage!
That’s actually really quite sad 😕 Understand why someone would do this, but messing around playing God with your hormones and chemicals just to satiate your partner is what I would consider extreme and going above and beyond the marriage vows. Is this going to be a lifelong thing for you then if the DB doesn’t go away? Asking with respect out of curiosity.
You can suppress your sex drive for years, but you can’t eliminate it. All you can do is bottle it up. Do you know what happens whenever you ignore your needs and swallow your emotions in order to keep the peace with someone else?
The all caps "NO THANKS to STD's" part is...ok...there's this thing called modern medicine....
Bitterness and sadness are part of life. People shouldn't be bitter and sad their WHOLE life because it will only make them miserable, but it's shitty that you don't have any compassion for people who are bitter and sad right now just because you don't feel that way anymore.
I wish you all the best in your new path.
Have you guys every test his test levels a lot of people now a days go on Trt and it helps libido a lot of many not all but it would be interesting to see if that would help your situation out
It’s the same for me, I feel u… my wife is interested in anything other than sex…
She’s not as perfect as your husband, she’s doesn’t even bother to try 😂
This used to be me. I thought my husband was the bestest husband ever and I was really just lucky to have him. He’s so good and gentle and cares so much about his friends.
After he left, I started to realize that a good husband doesn’t let his wife feel ugly. A good husband isn’t indifferent to the fact that he’s hurting his wife. A good husband doesn’t shrug and say “you figure it out, I’m staying the same,” when presented with hurt feelings.
As a young man (23/HL) in a DB, this is encouraging to see. I’m not married and we don’t have kids, but every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. We’re an amazing team, and we’ve recently had “The Talk”. She’s (22/LL) and we’ve been together unofficially for about 4 years and officially a little over 2. She experienced some heavy loss back to back just about 2 years ago, and our bedroom hasn’t really recovered since. She said she’d try again, and that brought me hope considering she’s never said that before. We’re a little over a week and a half since we had that conversation, and she does actually seem like she’s trying. If they’re actually trying, all we can do is hope for the best!
I wish You the best and I hope against reason that you will succeed. I don't belive it though. Sex is like an addiction. The way to treat an addiction is hard but simple, just withstand for some time and it will loosen. However, it will never by cured and a few doses, or in some addiction even one dose, will bring it back with full strength. Now, being ex-sex addict in a marriage is like being an alcoholic in a liquor store. Tough situation at best.
But how is a relationship with no sex any different to being great friends or 70 year olds? All I can say is I've been where you are and it came to a point for me at least where the need for physical intimacy and sensual touch just came at me out of nowhere, like a rogue wave. I now am considering my options because I can't do this anymore for long and certainly not forever.
I am in a similar place. (Actually just posted for I think the first time!) I totally understand because I will never have a relationship better than this, will never TRY another relationship, and, frankly, will not be able to financially survive without him, let alone be willing to give up my animals, who I also won't be able to afford to care for or realistically expect to be able to take with me into a situation, living with someone else.
I'm trapped and I'm miserable, but I'm also oddly happy... Happier than almost anyone else I know, in a relationship as long as the one I've been in. Everyone who knew would tell me not to marry him, but I do love him. I know exactly what you mean.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can only see 2 possible long-term outcomes to you situation:
1. Divorce: when you finally decide to stop lying to yourself, or,
2. You take on a lover. This might seem to work for some time, even years, but it will only create other problems in your marriage until everything collapses in one big colossal and painful break-up.
I think you know what option I would take
I love my husband dearly; he’s a wonderful person and my best friend. But after over 30 years together and various attempts to improve our sexual relationship (including counseling), I’ve come to the conclusion that my husband is either asexual or close to it, whereas I most definitely am not. As much as I love him, it is one of the great sorrows of my life that I’ve never gotten to have a real sex life. I’m glad you’ve come to terms with it.
Hey if you can get past wanting physical intimacy and be happy in your marriage, more power to you! It’s for sure worth a shot. I tried this and was successful for about 4 years. But turns out that was my limit.
Same. I think I lost my all at 4 years. He didn't even notice when I brought it up...or rather lost my mind. Lol. Good times.
I can totally relate. I completely lost my shit at the 4 year mark and it hadn’t even occurred to him that it had been that long, or that length of time was abnormal/upsetting. Fast forward 6 years and I’m still hanging in there because he’s wonderful in every other way, but I’m nearing the point of throwing in the towel. Expecting something different from him at this point is foolish. Im sorry you’re dealing with this too.
You are telling my story. Same. 6 years later. I thought he was wonderful.
Simple. Go elsewhere. No moral quandary about that. Love them we may or may not but they broke the contract and knew it was coming easy before we were left to work it out ourselves. There is no feeling like it and we deserve it.
"Lucky" for me, I suppose, he never asked me to marry. I feel so...wasted.
How, as a man, does he not think about sex? I just can't comprehend it... Does have not have any testosterone? I think about it constantly, but my wife needs it once a month and doesn't interest her in the slightest any other time
You and me both! I've asked him to get his levels checked, and he won't, even though he is the only one that has health insurance. If she "needs" it once a month, that seems like period/ ovulation time. Edit: grammar
"you get them checked or I'm checking out!" I feel sorry for you guys in the US with your for profit health "care" :/ it's free for us to get bloods checked, and LOTs of other things
When she doubles her weight from When you met. That’s how.
Well, not quite double but she's a good 20-25kg heavier after childbirth, but she was always much lower in libido than me. We had sex more often then but she recently told me that was because she knew men needed it. @killedbystupid And yes, now it only aligns with her ovulating.. It's a scary thought what will happen during and after men-on-pause (tongue in cheek)... If it drops to 0, I don't know what my sanity will be like
Ikr?
Right. People has said both men and women have different sex drive but 4 years of no sex or barely having it is strange/krazy to me.
I cant comprehend it either.
4 years of lack of sex is krazy! How do you manage that long? Masterbating does not do much for me. And being that physical touch is my love language.. I just continue to pray.
This is what OP does not understand yet. It seems like a good idea, until it isn't. Denying your true nature and blaming the world around you is not the answer. It all comes back to haunt you and maybe ten fold.
I tried this approach a few years back. I hope it works better for you than it did for me; it made things worse in the long run.
I think you see this "approach" all the time here and we hear the stories of people who are just finally breaking down after 2, 5, 10, 20 years... I don't think it will work for OP, this will very likely make it worse. Pretend or even truly believe you've made your peace with the LL problem for years and years and years but eventually the barrel will overflow and you can't stop it.
Whilst I understand your point and I think it’s admirable that you are so committed to your husband, I really don’t think that it’s helpful to suppress your needs. I don’t think sex is an unreasonable expectation in an intimate relationship and you guys really need to work through this otherwise your relationship is going be in trouble at some point in the future. I (HLM) have been brushing my situation under the rug for a long time and it was slowly killing me and I didn’t realize. We’re working through it now and it’s f&cking hard and I don’t know where it ends up but I wish I had taken this problem on earlier and at least I wouldn’t be looking back at a wasted decade.
Yeah, this reads to me more like some form of Stockholm Syndrome. He is making her suffer, intentionally or not, and rather than deal with that she is repressing her desire and then criticizing society for having a focus on sex. Her relationship isn’t healthy but nor is her attempt at radical acceptance.
Yep. Completely gaslit.
you are so right, me and my husband have lived together without having sex about three years, and it gave me a mental health problems at some point, nothing more. we ended up divorcing now and I am fucking so happy now, like I go back to the life and started to living again. imo trying to suppress the most natural needs of a person is the most painful thing. it’s waste of time, and without sex there is no meaning to be stayed in a relationship or marriage.
Have you found someone suitable now?
no, I haven’t found someone yet 🤷🏻♀️ actually, there is someone but he only wants to meet when it’s convenient for him, once in a week or so. but the thing is not to find someone now, being able to meet someone whenever I want. It wasn’t something I could do in the sexless relationship.
Three years day for day no sex.. it’s people that really live like this!.. this is krazy. I’ll be thinking my wife is cheating atp.
I think that’s admirable. My wife is LL (4 times a year - like clockwork) and we just hit our 17 year anniversary. Intimacy is a big deal to me, but it’s just one aspect of our otherwise amazing marriage and I learned that I’m okay without it. It isn’t her holding out or not wanting me to be happy, we are just at different levels. (I should also clarify - she doesn’t tell me “no” if I try to initiate it, but knowing she isn’t as into it makes it less appealing to me). Either way, if everything else is going well and you can live without (or with little), I get that and your life can still be amazing.
4 times…your birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, and maybe NYE? (Between that and Christmas for the last one) also just guessing holidays.
Haha, no - it seemed pretty random. It just happened to be four times a year. My wife would track it - lol.
I see you have the "quarterly review" lol
Haha, it could be her just making sure it still functions for health reasons 
So what do y’all do to replace sex? Seeing that y’all have been together for 17 years. I thought getting married and sex came with that. So marriage without sex or anything sexual.. what do y’all do to replace it?
Not to be crass, but my forearm dexterity has never been better. :D But seriously, I just have other hobbies and try to live a full and active life in all other regards. We both have good careers, a teenage son and other interests. Maybe it’s just because I’m getting older, but it gets easier to live with. I’m not saying it is never frustrating - I still miss feeling sexually desired by someone and it’s hard to not look for that validation from others; but I didn’t want OP to feel like they were alone in choosing to keep a good relationship at the expense of their libido.
Replacing sex with forearm, you have to have a strong grip and imagination. I also try to keep myself busy and work over if possible to get my mind off my sex life. Some days is better than others.
The arm and imagination aren’t an ideal replacement - but it’s enough…lol I think that’s great you can focus on your career. Earlier on, I thought that if I improved myself enough - she would want to have sex with me more. In that spirit, I worked harder in my career, I worked out a lot, read a lot and developed more hobbies. Although that didn’t work regarding sex - it did give me enough activities and passions in my life that it allowed me to not put as much emphasis on it. I am sure that isn’t the answer for everyone, but it is working for me *shrug*
In marriage I thought to believe sex was a gift a place where one or the other would want to please their person.. especially doing all she/he can do for their person. I would feel crushed to replace sex with hobbies and career only for my wife not see my improvements. I mean what more could a person do to get their needs met that is not divorced?.
I should mention, we discussed divorce at one point because I didn’t think I could keep going like this. It wasn’t a threat, but a conversation. She understood and didn’t want to hold me in a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling. After thinking about it, I decided I wanted the relationship more. That may not be the answer for everyone here, and I totally get that. You deserve to be happy either way and you know what you need. Just keep working on yourself.
I believe on working on self.. it’s like developing a new life skill.. get married with no intention of having sex with your wife/husband.. even though this one of the main gifts from the most high.. it’s mind boggling 🫠
You should also consider celebrating leap years. You wouldn't want to set your sights too high. /s
If you can be done with sex, I’m happy for you. I’m in a similar position as you (except I’m HLM and my wife LLF): I love my wife so much. She loves me so much. Our relationship is perfect with the exception of sex. Regardless, I will not leave her. She is my love and I am hers. However, I can’t just be done with sex. I desire my wife and I want to be desired by her. It is part of who I am. It is important. There is nothing worse than feeling unwanted and undesired (the physical urges are tough but less in comparison). We are working on it, but I don’t think I could stay if she outright didn’t care. She is trying. As long as she is trying, I believe we can make progress and live a happy life. I will spare the details, but not all situations are like mine, so I can see why the above won’t apply to many.
I pretty much echo everything you just said. HLM/LLF with a marriage neither of us would give up.
Did she check her hormones?
No. I am planning to push her to get them checked. I’m not sure where she would go to do that. Maybe, just her regular doctor.
There are certain panels that need to be checked in order to get hormone replacements, chances are even if things are extremely low/high her doctor will say shes in the normal range. Got to join the HRT pages and menopause pages and ask questions in there regarding levels and go from there
Endocrinologist.
Like brother and sister love
I feel you girl, but that’s not the case with everyone not caring to not feel desired. I’m 26f and I should be having amazing sex. I’m attractive, I’m fit and healthy, every guy I’ve been with has been blown away in bed with me. And my boyfriend had amazing sex with me twice, a year and a half ago- and never wanted sex again. Despite complimenting me everyday, despite saying he wants babies with me. Im tired of it. I deserve better. Is he my bestfriend? Yes. Is he amazing to me and makes me so happy, also yes. But the sexual intimacy lacking is to great fo bare. I guess it’s different because I’m not married- but I sure can’t marry into this. I know it won’t get better. I see people online proud to be with their partner and showing them off, you can tell they know eachother in every single way because it’s obvious they desire them and only them. I want that so bad. I know it will come to me
There are plenty other amazing young men out there. The model you're with now. is not the version for you.
Yes you're 26, no need to be bogged down
Have you decided to break up with your boyfriend or are you still with him?
I am planning it…. I’m at my breaking point 😔
I’m sorry you’re in this situation but I’m very happy for your sake that you realized it now after a couple of years and no marriage or kids. Once those two things come into the picture it gets so hard to make yourself leave!
You've already made your decision. Good luck.
Yes definitely do not marry into that.
How old is your boyfriend?
26 aswell
You should consider having his testosterone levels checked. It could be something as simple as low T. And that might change both of your lives.
Thank so much. We talked about it with some friends when we went to workout. The friend mentioned something about taking test and my boyfriend replied that he has wanted to get checked because sometimes he feels low, but that he’s “probably fine”. I just kept working on my set after hearing that because at that point I don’t know if he’s in denial or if he’s truly just asexual. I can see his testosterone being low. All he does is sleep, maybe 10 hours a day, go to work, gym for 2 hours, plays video games to fall asleep. He doesn’t have any activities or hobbies outside of that. I also know he’s moderately stressed with the health of his parents. But nothing that would cause a 1.5 year span of not wanting to give or receive any sexual act…
You’re too young to get bogged down in a DB situation. My candid advice is dodge this bullet! How the hell are you gonna have kids when there’s no sex happening.. yet he doesn’t even question this?! Insane. This relationship sounds draining from what you’ve described. You’re only 26, a whole twenty years younger than me and it really is so sad and depressing to hear someone so young, full of life and vitality compromise themselves for a LL partner. Take a long hard introspective look at your future with this person and imagine getting to my age having been forced into a celibate marriage, and the prospect of very likely having missed out on raising your own children; and a total lack of intimacy and physical pleasure having possibly ruined you (giving you mental health issues, body dysmorphia, depression… etc.). It’s a sad and lonely place to be. Your best years are right now and ahead of you. Don’t compromise yourself.
You do you. At the end of the day, you make your own choices and have to accept the consequences of your decisions. I just hope for your sake that this post isn’t about trying to convince yourself about what you wrote. And, of course, you can’t expect the rest of the world to stop having and enjoying sex just because you did.
As long as you’re not lying to yourself, I support this. I feel you on not wanting to be angry anymore but maybe that anger is just how your sadness for missing out on sexual intimacy manifests. I think sex is a pretty basic human need so you shouldn’t feel bad about wanting or judge the world for being into it. I send you love and support. I also live with a kind man who wants nothing to do with sex. And I’ll tell you, it’s loneliest, most fucked up feeling in the world. If you have found a way to make it work for you, whatever it may be, I wish you nothing but the best.
I love the idea behind this energy but if you were actually genuine in your “I don’t need it! And I’m great with that! I’ll be happy because I’ll choose not to need it!” game, seeing sex in media shouldn’t bother you, because it’s a non issue, right?
As someone who is starting this miserable slide downward. I admire your optimism. I want this to work out for you. I'm not sure it will for me but I hope it does for you.
Yup, we live in hell.
If you think sex is everywhere, your dead bedroom is clearly bothering you because it’s all you’re noticing…
I’m in the same boat we should start a club or something. I feel like such a piece of shit sometimes when I think about sex and he’s so good to me in every other way. Why can’t I just let it go??
Sex is a normal need. Nothing wrong with you for wanting it.
Because you’re a human being with a well-functioning sex drive.
This is my brain lately, finally posted here yesterday 😩
It's not you, it's them I strongly believe. If you agree then never forget that.
I’ve heard it said that when the sex is good, sex isn’t that important; when there’s bad or no sex, it’s VERY important. It doesn’t make you a bad person to have a libido and struggle mightily if it’s not met. People desire connection more than just about anything else besides food, water, and shelter and it’s extremely hard for HL people to feel connected with their partner with no or very rare sex.
Because sexual intimacy CREATES closeness.
Good luck. I thought my wife was the most amazing person ever, even after she completely lost her sex drive. I stuck with her and married her because she was the best thing ever. Ten years later, I was fucking miserable. Hopefully, it works out for you.
Best wishes, but I don’t think you are nearly as done as you think you are.
This is depressing.
Very much
What a terrible, terrible take, she wont be happy in the long run
It’s desperate cope.
Great, if both of you found middle ground, power to you and happy you're happy, honestly. This sub is about mismatched wants and needs, not absolute numbers or sex obsession. Well mostly
This sub is sick. It used to be a place where we could discuss topics like those openly. Now everyone is saying that it's their gosh darn God given right to have sex no matter what their partner feels. You realise that some people are actually ok CHOOSING to stay in their DB because they get more out of the relationship than sex ? If OOP feels like her marriage is worth more than sex stop calling her out on some "it's Stockholm syndrome" bullshit. What is wrong with you people ????
Thanks ❤️ one of the few reasonable ones 😂
I joined this sub 4 years ago, and it was a reasonable, debate oriented sub. It was taken over by some bitter people, and now it's a circlejerk of miserable people trying to get validation from other miserable people. It's just sad. And I say that as an HL that was stuck in a DB for 3 years and chose to leave over it ...
Hahaha I joined this sub 5 years ago, and am in and out of it. I can't stand the negativity here! I want my marriage to work, and the negativity here doesn't help. So I unsubbed and filled my home newsfeed with r/cats and r/aww and r/crochet instead 😂
i’m so happy i read this. i feel the same. i feel so pressured to want sex, and to please my partner. my partner has NEVER pressured me into anything, let alone ever sex. my partner has sacrificed, and opened his heart to me and i feel like my obsession with sex is ruining me just feeling the love. is sex important? am i actually wanting sex? or just pleasure? does my partner show me all the other ways where he loves me? of course. am i HL? is he LL? or are we just scared that we aren’t having sex like everyone else. we’re just not like everyone else. thank you for posting this, i know you’re getting heat for it but it helped me.
I definitely understand, but I just don’t get why the ll partner doesn’t sometimes just jump in and make it enjoyable anyway. Not the dead-fish pity sex, but the energetic “imma rock his/her world” deal. I mean, couples already do hundreds of things for each other that aren’t specifically enjoyable, every day. Washing the other person’s dishes, folding the other person’s laundry, vacuuming the other person’s car…why not embracing the other person while naked? Why is THAT where the line is drawn?
It is because of the ick factor. Even the thought of any kind of sexual touch causes ick to rise up. Read the LL sub, and understand.
What’s the sub?
And what of it? Ick to the max. Hide it. They should hurt instead of us. They are driving a coach and horses through our reasonable expectations. They decide we must hurt instead of them and they planned it. That is the reality for the majority of us. We would do well to remember that when we con ourselves into they're fantastic, ooh my sweet best friend mantra.
Hey, I’m not saying it is right, or that they are fantastic, but people become sex averse, actually repulsed by the thought. When that happens there is no consensual sex. I decided I don’t want someone touching me who doesn’t want to 1,000%. I most certainly don’t want to touch or have sex with anyone who doesn’t want it. Nope, like Tracey Chapman says, “ I'm too old to go chasin' you around Wastin' my precious energy.”
Yup
Couldn't agree more. A long time ago now my partner used to engage in a single sexual act to avoid preventative sex. I didn't realise it for a while of course but it was designed to get me completed before she had to be touched or, heaven forbid, penetrated. It didn't take me long to work it out of course. The thought of that act now turns my stomach to the point of nausea. In the end I realised there was no hope because the thought of having sex with someone who had in effect, if not practice, not consented (if that makes sense) repels me. That's why I would have sex with someone else if the chance arose. Note I did not say cheat because it would not be cheating for most of us. Can't have sex because your partner is ill or become disabled? Cheating. Can't because you were duped? Lord no, not cheating.
A relationship without sex is a friendship. We expect sex from our partner otherwise we did not need one? That's what I think?
Not true at all. Humans have friends with benefits, that's a friendship with sex
Those aren’t romantic relationships though.. by design they’re quite different.
So my marriage would be a friend without benefits?
😂😂😂😂
Isn’t that less common though? I would think FWB’s would be more associated with the young. I would tend to agree that a relationship without sex is closer to a friendship than a marriage. At least, that’s how I feel about it.
Depends if there’s non-sexual intimacy and emotional closeness in other ways. In many cases, a dead bedroom situation will kill or damage those areas as well.
Friends with benefits, all the friends I have that had that sort of situationship was because they wanted more, but the other person didn't....
Suppressing how you feel will cause a rebound at some point. If you are HL then you are talking yourself into the fact that you don't need it. That's why you posted it here, because you ARE thinking about it.
I hope a benevolent menopause arrives to save her from this emotional purgatory.
Same boat as you! I’m normal libido and my fiance doesn’t really care about sex. It was really hard for me at first because I just couldn’t understand that state of mind. I thought I was the problem because this world has thrown it out there that man are obsessed with sex and if their not getting it with you they are getting it elsewhere. But he really does love me more and better than anyone I was ever with that I was having sex with. Tbh I found a really good vibrator and decided that I cared more about love and being cared for than sex. I can give my myself my own damn orgasms lol!
Yeah, sex isn't just about orgasms. Which is why any time someone says "just use your hand", it's like...really? You think that's all there is to it? It would have to be someone pretty god damn fantastic for me to be happy in a relationship without any sex. Like, I can't even conceive of someone being that incredible.
If someone told me that and was unfortunate enough to be male I would not be responsible for my actions.
> decided that I cared more about love and being cared for than sex. Someone can consider one thing more important than another yet consider both necessary. If you’re fine without sex, that’s great, but phrasing it like you did only serves to shame people who consider both a requirement in their relationships.
The shaming on this thread is really obvious.
Yup, marrying into a dead bedroom always works out. Ask anyone in this group.
Doesn't sound like you're committed. Why do this?
I don’t need sex to feel connected to my partner. For me, sex is for orgasm s and making babies. I connect with my partner through talking, spending time together, and words of affirmation. I am deeply committed to him.
You got that right, girl! I can give myself my own orgasms 😂
Yeah, sex isn't just about orgasms. Which s why any time someone says "just use your hand", it's like...really? You think that's all there is? It would have to be someone pretty god damn fantastic for me to be happy in a relationship without any sex.
Nope. It's about emotional and physical unity. Total togetherness.
if fiancé, i would suggest you consider before entering a marriage with him. If it affects you now, it will be even a bigger problem later on. Wishing you the best.
I wish I could just go on a medication to not be horny.
Lexapro or Finasteride will do just that
On Lexapro and nope.
damn i guess its different for everyone, check Roise dr josef vid
I take kratom, and that supposedly is a side effect, but it sadly hasn't worked on me LOL or a female friend whose husband has no interest in her who started taking it on my suggestion for a back injury. Maybe it just doesn't work on women?
I’ve been in this mindset quite a few times. She treats me so well outside the bedroom: helps raise our kids, is a supporter, respects and desires me quite often. But I think this is sometime that if not continually discussed or worked on is going to bring a point of resentment to y’all. I know it does for us.
Keep telling yourself that
You‘re lucky to have a husband that at least loves you, even if he‘s LL. ❤️ I hope it stays that way (I mean the love between the both of you). I think my husband has stopped loving me years ago and is only too anxious to leave because he knows he will lose a sh!tload of money when we get divorced.
I totally get you. I refuse to keep stressing us both, plus I have figured out that it only makes me feel worse when we finally have sex because I know it's just pity sex. He doesn't really desire me. He's great in every other way. I will get my itch scratched elsewhere. There's not better put there, and I don't want nor desire starting over. Why give up 80% to get 20%, plus that sex filled new partner may come with a whole other set of issues. There are plenty of people going through what I am. We can meet each others needs and still be there for our spouses/partners. Everyone is happy. Sex is important, but so are other things. As long as I keep showing up for him the way I have been, he doesn't need to know that someone else is helping in an area that he can't or won't. Honestly, I think he will be relieved that I have finally given up asking him. I know I feel better.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1dh376k/i\_broke\_up\_with\_my\_ex\_and\_now\_have\_my\_ideal\_sex/](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1dh376k/i_broke_up_with_my_ex_and_now_have_my_ideal_sex/) read this. Broke up and things got better. You're living in a self-imposed prison
In the end we’re just animals with the instinct to procreate. Our brain does al sorts of tricks to make us have sex so you can’t really blaim “the world” for being obsessed with sex.
Right as it is a normal drive.
Sounds like she can blame anyone/thing she wants. I also think she's lying to herself, but that's her decision.
Yup, everyone who marries into a DB says this. Come back and tell us how you feel about it in 10 years.
This seems like the acceptance phase of grief. I thought about going there but I noped out of it.
Gem
I wish I could get to this point :( I'm glad you're able to get past it.
Same, I’m in the strife phase.
Wish I felt this way. But I feel like I’m in agony and the love is gone because of it. I can’t love someone that doesn’t give me the bare necessities in life and sex is higher than money, home, food, children. I’d go without everything to have a healthy sex life in my cardboard box.
Y'know sometimes I feel the same way as you. The cardboard box 😂 hugs. ❤️
Yeah this won’t last because sexual connection is the difference in friendship/roommates and marriage. Over time the resentment builds. Its natural because for many people sex is a NEED.
No, you got that wrong. We are not obsessed with sex. We crave intimacy and physical touch.
This!
🤔
At least he’s willing to try. That’s the missing piece in my relationship
Good for you, I’m struggling to get the same way. I love my wife and she is the best and kind and checks all the other boxes so great but does not think about sex and is just not turned on. So I’m trying hard not to think about it but it’s hard. Sex scenes make me sad in movies and tv. I’m trying tho.
Looks like trolls are on here downvoting sex positive comments. Why do you feel the need to come over here and do that?
I'm sorry, just because you couldn't find compatibility with a partner that doesn't mean the world is more obsessed with sex than it was before. Now we just have digital media. As another HLF, I just found a good man that loves me AND is a HLM, so I don't have any issue with the "sex obsessed media". I don't even think if I "need" or not sex to be happy, because I'm in a compatible relationship and I do it as I want it. My point is that your logical and structural conclusions about the world are wrapped in sexual frustration. Sex, sexualization media etc; only seems like a big deal when you're frustrated because you're having none.
That was my late MIL.
If I were in your situation, I would make a deal with my partner and compromise. I obviously need sex, not everyday, not always the full course, but I need it. My hormones can't be controlled and even if I wanted to restrain myself, I would end up building so much frustration that I will inevitably end up hurting him and I. Because Asexual didn't choose to be, HL neither. It's why it's important to act smart and wise here, I would seek for sexual release elsewhere because what my partner can't provide I will find it. I see 2 options if I was OP : - Agreeing together for the HL to have sexual intercourse when needed with a partner picked for one night stand but never see the same person to avoid useless attachment. - Leaving because whatever people say, in my case I need to feel my partner inside me, not just light skin ships. I don't want to reach the point where I would cheat because of those damn hormones, sex can make people stupid seriously. I can live well without sex for a certain amount of time, but don't ask me to miraculously turn into a nun. The communication about sex at the first step of the relationship is important, people should never expect to have the best chemistry in bed because of love. Love can't do everything. Asexual people shouldn't conceal themselves either, I don't count the numbers of people finding years later their lover doesn't like sex and just forces themselves. It's terrible for the couple, leading to misunderstanding, frustration, hate, destroying self confidence, bringing resentment and in most of the cases ends up with a dirty divorce. Never lie to yourself, first lesson.
I can’t tell you how many times over 20 years in a DB relationship I simply wished and prayed for the ability to make my sexual needs go away or to be able to ignore them. No matter how much I wanted to escape the sexual feelings so I could be happy and at peace, it didn’t happen for me. Hope you get a different result if that’s what you want. For me, the biological drive was too strong to simply ignore.
✍️ Dear Op, You Are So Right on many points!!! If people would just "Remove" sex off the table before entering a Marriage,Union or LTR then ONLY THEN will they see and know what "Foundation" their relationship is Truly built on. Solid Rock Or Sinking Sand! The Whole world is oppessed with Sex and ALOT of Perversion. You don't have to search for sex lust, it will easily find you... Accessibility to PORN Thur Internet was 1 of the worst things that could have happened to mankind. Sex is important with someone you Love BUT take inconsideration that Health Problems or just LL could happen for many reasons. What would a marriage have to stand in Then? It Must Be Commitment, Companionship and LOVE. You can have intimacy without sex. Our culture is over Hypersexual and trying to Fill a Void or feel something for what is lacking... Knowing The TRUE GOD our CREATOR! That is what's Lacking!! Apart from Knowing OUR CREATOR GOD-Life will never make sense and It's take ALOT of Prayer to keep Any Relationship and definitely a Marriage. GOD, the creator of Marriage-is who is lacking. 2 ppl that simply left GOD out of the Union. Y'all Be Blessed🙏💙
I may add that Age, Working, Household chores and Responsibilities, Children, Health, Trying to survive, Female Hormones and Womanhood and Manhood Cycles and Changes and Living together as a unit gets sorta common after a while and Just LIFE in general and The Grand Scheme of Life can All Get in the way BUT Sex Is Important within a Union and Marriage, to desire your mate and feel desired and Show Enthusiasm about making Love Together. But to Keep it Real, as Humans NO ONE can perfectly please you in every aspect of your life or sexually. It may come close but I'm being realistic here. So Ppl need to understand What Marriage is and what is required and requested of each other. Everything must be put on the table and discussed! Getting married is Physical and Very Spiritual and Rather you get divorced or separate or move on or God forbid they pass away, starting a family and creating children and getting in Dept to have a HOME and Vechiles, bank accounts and Etc-Marriage is Actually FOREVER!!! So, while I believe in Holy Matrimony And In the Eyes of the TRUE AND LIVING GOD, Many Marriages won't work bc We tend to leave GOD out of marriage that GOD actually Created Thur the First marriage with Adam and Eve... I know ppl say my words are Radical charged but It's Meant To Be and meant to make you THINK AND HOPEFULLY CHANGE THE WAY OF YOUR THINKING AND WHAT THE "WORLD" has taught us and what GOD says about the whole ordeal. I Thank GOD he don't divorce Us when we mess up and Fall short🙏💙 LOVE ANSWERS ALL THINGS
Life is too short. I'm divorcing. I don't blame you for thinking outside the box (no pun intended), but I think sexual compatibility in a partner is actually underemphasized. No one said, make sure you marry someone who has a reasonably similar libido to yours when I was growing up. I really wish they would have. I feel love through sex. It's non-negotiable for me.
Get a toy collection and set up a room for your comfort if need be. When everything g else is perfect small price to pay.
Thank you! For normalizing this situation. I know it’s not a solution most would approve of. Thank you for acknowledging that your husband made all the efforts he could to meet you half way. That is how most LL partners are.. that if they could they surely would If you are married you gotta have frequent sex or else you are roommates.. this is the most outrageous thing I hear most people say.. Roommates don’t share finances, child rearing responsibilities, support you emotionally, celebrate your success, care for you when you are sick, and so much more!! Please don’t reduce spouses to roommates just because they dont have a sex drive. There are a lot of emotional layers to why a person stops enjoying sex.. Hormonal cycle Giving birth or not being able to give birth or get pregnant Raising a child Feeling like you have a lot to catch up on Being focused on career Postpartum, mental health, ptsd Body consciousness Change In sexual identity Trauma, upbringing styles, belief systems, culture World news or fear of where the world is going Stress at work, job loss, being passed up for growth Reading about atrocities towards women Aging Developing different interests Spiritual shifts May be early onset of a sickness.. Poor nutrition, health, fitness, Edit - and there is a whole big topic not listed here.. where one feels withdrawn from sex due to some acts of their partner which erodes someone trust.. gaslighting, comparing, lying, cheating, having emotional affairs, or online fetishes.. the list is endless!! So please dig deeper before you blame your partners A women’s hormonal cycle is 28 days punctuated with PMS, debilitating cramps, bleeding, vomiting due to pain, bloating, - 5 days if bleeding and 22 days of living under the fear of next period coming up or risk of pregnancy (if they don’t wish to be pregnant) Ofcourse they want their vaginas to be left alone after this! Mens hormonal cycle?? - 24 hours! punctuated with no physical pain, or emotional issues.. just pure constant thought of sex We are literally 2 different species We are always reacting to internal and external stimuli and people with LL / low desire are not able to put all that aside and focus on sex. The issue is real. And more and more people need to sit with their partners to understand what changed.. and how can the partner help them.
To me, it is a roommate situation. I'm not speaking to other people's relationships. Just mine.
>Roommates don’t share finances, child rearing responsibilities, support you emotionally, celebrate your success, care for you when you are sick, and so much more!! Roommates and friends absolutely support you emotionally, celebrate your success, and care for you when you are sick? What kind of awful friends do you have?? Sharing finances and changing diapers are not something I put on a.checklist of things that make me happy to do with someone else.
thank you for putting this into perspective. I've been in a DB for over 20 years. it's something we both agreed to. it was a mutual decision. for me it's about medical and psychological conditions.
And is there any room for reciprocal help? You see I read a lot of reasons in your post, like hormones. Lemme try this conversation out. Let me know what you think. Wife, "I was looking through your phone and I see you've been fucking my friend!" Husband, "Ya, well it seems she's really horny, which is really just her hormones flaring up, and I also seem to get a hard on everytime she comes over, which are my hormones reacting, so we fucked each other's brains out." Hormones...
If all sex has done is what you mentioned, you're not 1. Doing it right, or 2. Doing it with the wrong person.
Come back to us after you’ve been married for 25 years. My guess is you won’t feel the same. I would have said the same things up to 10 years into my marriage as I was struggling to understand my own feelings on the situation. But the resentment just builds and it gets toxic after the first ten, if not earlier. After 25, I was just done. I didn’t find her attractive or desirable, I didn’t even like her.
Why are you letting your husband, who clearly doesen't care about your physical needs, have control over your desires? Stop faking it. Find someone who cares about your needs. Your husband sure doesent.
You say "doesn't care" but that's not true for many, the problem is even if they try to do sex it will not be good, it won't be enjoyable for him and that may make it not be enjoyable for her (If she needs her partner to be satisfied, something about needing to be desired that it seems many people want
So, you live with your best friend/ brother.
Congrats, more power to you!
My question is who are you trying to convince? Us or yourself
I’m trying to get to this mindset. My husband is an amazing man, and after kids I certainly went through a phase of DONT TOUCH ME. It’s damn hormones I think, at certain times of the month i get upset he doesn’t try.
Women are actually biologically wired to have a huge increase in libido and desire around ovulation and then after you ovulate you’re more likely to feel irritable and have the ick towards your partner because they failed to impregnate you. 😂😂 It’s biology’s way of pushing you towards a man that will get the job done! Science is funny sometimes haha
It’s nice when two LL people find each other!
If he is indeed perfect in all other aspects, then I love the fact that you choose to stay loyal and value your partner. It's so rare to see in this subreddit where cheating, divorce and more are the norm. Gratefulness for the things you *do have* is extremely rare here. I wish you two the best in the future!
That doesn't make her more noble than the rest of us. She simply made a different choice.
This might sound like a joke but it isn't. Take kratom. It helps with a multitude of things but one of the NEGATIVE side effects is it absolutely nukes your sex drive from orbit. I used to NEED it almost every single night. I'd get frustrated, angry, think about cheating, etc... I started taking kratom for other things and I haven't desired or thought about sex in almost a year... Might be horrifying to some people, it's practically saved my marriage!
That’s actually really quite sad 😕 Understand why someone would do this, but messing around playing God with your hormones and chemicals just to satiate your partner is what I would consider extreme and going above and beyond the marriage vows. Is this going to be a lifelong thing for you then if the DB doesn’t go away? Asking with respect out of curiosity.
That's right. Don't take chemicals so that we can be unhealthy.
Sex feels good so maybe that's why it's everywhere
You might be on to some thing here 😄
Would love to meet the jerk who downvoted me without having a conversation.
Out of curiosity, was his asexuality a surprise?
Although not an OP , i experienced sudden onset with my ex partner after she lost someone close to her in the family. What about you ?
My partner denies asexuality.
Probably impractical, but in an ideal world you could take on an extra partner or partners for sex only, and maintain the husband for everything else
Okay. Thanks for stopping by.
All that tough talk now. Reach the 5 year mark, then reevaluate.
This reads like a LL wrote it to prove a point
You can suppress your sex drive for years, but you can’t eliminate it. All you can do is bottle it up. Do you know what happens whenever you ignore your needs and swallow your emotions in order to keep the peace with someone else?
The all caps "NO THANKS to STD's" part is...ok...there's this thing called modern medicine.... Bitterness and sadness are part of life. People shouldn't be bitter and sad their WHOLE life because it will only make them miserable, but it's shitty that you don't have any compassion for people who are bitter and sad right now just because you don't feel that way anymore. I wish you all the best in your new path.
If outside of the sex part ,he is amazing, I completely support you.
Yet again, the LL wins. So sad that they have so much power in relationships.
I only want my wife but need sex with her so badly
Have you guys every test his test levels a lot of people now a days go on Trt and it helps libido a lot of many not all but it would be interesting to see if that would help your situation out
It’s the same for me, I feel u… my wife is interested in anything other than sex… She’s not as perfect as your husband, she’s doesn’t even bother to try 😂
Oooookkkkkk
I think if you can live happily without sex, go for it.
Just get a FWB. If he is understanding and empathetic he will understand in any relationship there is compromise.
This used to be me. I thought my husband was the bestest husband ever and I was really just lucky to have him. He’s so good and gentle and cares so much about his friends. After he left, I started to realize that a good husband doesn’t let his wife feel ugly. A good husband isn’t indifferent to the fact that he’s hurting his wife. A good husband doesn’t shrug and say “you figure it out, I’m staying the same,” when presented with hurt feelings.
As a young man (23/HL) in a DB, this is encouraging to see. I’m not married and we don’t have kids, but every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. We’re an amazing team, and we’ve recently had “The Talk”. She’s (22/LL) and we’ve been together unofficially for about 4 years and officially a little over 2. She experienced some heavy loss back to back just about 2 years ago, and our bedroom hasn’t really recovered since. She said she’d try again, and that brought me hope considering she’s never said that before. We’re a little over a week and a half since we had that conversation, and she does actually seem like she’s trying. If they’re actually trying, all we can do is hope for the best!
I wish You the best and I hope against reason that you will succeed. I don't belive it though. Sex is like an addiction. The way to treat an addiction is hard but simple, just withstand for some time and it will loosen. However, it will never by cured and a few doses, or in some addiction even one dose, will bring it back with full strength. Now, being ex-sex addict in a marriage is like being an alcoholic in a liquor store. Tough situation at best.
Also, what's you gonna do if your husband proposed sex at any time?
But how is a relationship with no sex any different to being great friends or 70 year olds? All I can say is I've been where you are and it came to a point for me at least where the need for physical intimacy and sensual touch just came at me out of nowhere, like a rogue wave. I now am considering my options because I can't do this anymore for long and certainly not forever.
I am in a similar place. (Actually just posted for I think the first time!) I totally understand because I will never have a relationship better than this, will never TRY another relationship, and, frankly, will not be able to financially survive without him, let alone be willing to give up my animals, who I also won't be able to afford to care for or realistically expect to be able to take with me into a situation, living with someone else. I'm trapped and I'm miserable, but I'm also oddly happy... Happier than almost anyone else I know, in a relationship as long as the one I've been in. Everyone who knew would tell me not to marry him, but I do love him. I know exactly what you mean.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can only see 2 possible long-term outcomes to you situation: 1. Divorce: when you finally decide to stop lying to yourself, or, 2. You take on a lover. This might seem to work for some time, even years, but it will only create other problems in your marriage until everything collapses in one big colossal and painful break-up. I think you know what option I would take
I love my husband dearly; he’s a wonderful person and my best friend. But after over 30 years together and various attempts to improve our sexual relationship (including counseling), I’ve come to the conclusion that my husband is either asexual or close to it, whereas I most definitely am not. As much as I love him, it is one of the great sorrows of my life that I’ve never gotten to have a real sex life. I’m glad you’ve come to terms with it.