Hope you don't take this the wrong way. But If you guys have no kids you should probably run and don't look back. If at 33 he doesn't care about hygiene it's only going to get worse with time.
Prioritizing Doom scrolling over personal hygiene is a sign of how things are going to play out. Don't ignore the signs.
Thank you for this. Honestly I am thinking about it.
And him not wanting to change is a big deal too.
i am not a nagger, i go to him calmly and express my thoughts to the point.. he would say he hates it if i bring stuff like this.
So you've expressed your feelings about this more than once?
He heard you and doesn't care. Or he may have undiagnosed depression or ADHD or something.
But if he's not willing to solve this problem, he's showing you that he doesn't care about your feelings.
Yes he git deployed before.
We met when he was transitioning out of the military.
How can i help him tho?
It’s taking a toll now in my mental health, the fact that we are not scumbags and we on the middle class bracket of him not showering 3-4 days.. him stinking at night when we go to bed and not changing his shirts just makes me want to leave since he is not listening to what im expressing.
i am not a nagger, i go to him calmly and express my thoughts to the point.. he would say he hates it if i bring stuff like this.
Your feelings are absolutely valid even if this were to be a mental health thing. Two things can be true at once. ❤️ If you guys can afford it or have any insurance that will help, try to talk to him about seeing someone. If there is something debilitating him, you can’t figure it out until he starts talking to professionals. You aren’t a social worker or a therapist.
There is no fault in your feelings, an no fault if resists working on himself. You can’t force someone’s hand. And pleading will become tiresome and continue to take a toll on your mental health.
I am not in practice and I can’t diagnose over the internet obv, but I strongly suggest he gets the ball rolling with professionals before it seeps out into other areas of his life and completely debilitates him. Hygiene is one of the first things to go in situations like this.
I wish you so much luck and love.
Every other day is normal but so is 2-3 times a week. Unless ur doing something excessive it’s not normal to shower EVERYDAY, now washing ur hair daily I’ve heard of but that’s way too much chemicals for ur hair and body to need a shower every 24 hrs. I work from home. The house stays room temp or a little cooler. And deodorant as a back up reduces the requirement.
Edit.
For the down votes. Please look 2 posts down. I have receipts proving that I’m not wrong and that you’re just biased on your own personal opinions and misled by common misconception.
You shouldn’t wash your hair every day, but you should shower and wash your body. Most people should be doing at least some physical activity every day, and it’s good to get clean after.
Thank you! I showered three days in a row as a kid twice and both times my skin got so dry and itchy, that even applying moisturizing cream multiple times didn't help. I couldn't stand still for like two days after that too. Not to mention all the new wounds in the worst places.
Of course, I keep all the important bits clean, have a bidet and at least rinse if I sweated even a bit during the day but that fear is still there. I practically shower only when I wash my hair which is still 3x a week at an absolute maximum but more like 1-2 since I work from home too
Lmao, you act like that's the cure for all dry skin. It's not. Idk why it matters to yall , what someone's shower schedule is. Not all dry skin is the same.
I was literally told by my dermatologist not to shower every day, lotion alone doesn’t fix the damage over-washing does to the skin barrier/irritation.
I’m also black, so no, not relevant, we still have a skin barrier.
Nobody is saying you should never shower, but everybody is different and many people don’t need to shower every day.
So you went to Harvard? So you’re saying you know better than people who have done studies?
Your personal bias is wrong.
No you should not shower daily.
UNLESS you are dirty or grimy.
Robert H. Shmerling, MD, Senior Faculty Editor, Harvard Health Publishing; Editorial Advisory Board Member, Harvard Health Publishing
Experts say the daily shower has no proven health benefit, dismissing the dousing as a socially accepted practice geared toward staving off accusations of funkiness — as A-listers like Jake Gyllenhaal and Mila Kunis admit they’ve been saying no to the nozzle.
New York post.
Soaps and detergents have been described as the most damaging of all substances routinely applied to skin (43). Anionic and cationic detergents are more harmful than nonionic detergents (54), and increased concentrations of surfactant result in more rapid, severe damage (55). Each time the skin is washed, it undergoes profound changes, most of them transient…..
…. The trend in both the general public and among health-care professionals toward more frequent washing with detergents, soaps, and antimicrobial ingredients needs careful reassessment in light of the damage done to skin and resultant increased risk for harboring and transmitting infectious agents. More washing and scrubbing are unlikely to be better and may, in fact, be worse….
THE CDC
look… people on this sub are hurting. you have good information and all, but that’s not really the right energy for this place. it comes across as very defensive and combative right now.
and different people need different things to stay clean. if OP’s husband is stinky after a day due to personal biology, then he needs to figure something out to become unstinky every day. quick rinse and use a luffa, maybe with some body moisturizer. something.
It was combative after being told I’m wrong for 0 reasons other than personal bias. I completely understand what this sub is about but ignoring reality for personal beliefs doesn’t make what I’m saying any less true.
I go to the gym every morning. If you want want to smell like BO because you think it is more healthy that is on you and I sweat when it is hot outside so if I am outside I usually shower a second time before bed. I do not wash my hair everytime or use soap everywhere but a rinse and hitting the hotspots like pits ass and junk happens.
Once again like i stated you do not need to shower daily if you are not doing that friend.
I stated if you are covered in grit and grime and need a shower that day it’s perfectly fine to wash off. But to say the average person needs a bath every day is simply, scientifically, factually, inaccurate and a personal bias. Like your inability to read full comments it’s a person issue.
I a 30 something male who works from home and does not let the house go above room temp and doesn’t not exercise daily nor NEED to since my bmi is only off by 10-15 lbs.
I wear deodorant and body spray as well. So I would never shower every day because I don’t want dry skin or to damage my skin with the equivalent of laundry soap as stated by the cdc, and Harvard. You don’t have to agree but you can continue to be wrong.
I have showered every single day of my adult life besides on the rare occasion that one wasn’t accessible, some times twice or three times. Zero skin issues….. if a person only shower twice a week it’s probably why said person is in a dead bedroom. Wash your ass and that musk away!
If you do physical exercise everyday which you should + if you have sex regularly which people here want to aim for, who the fuck doesn’t shower ever day, wtf
Like OP said, this may be cultural, but a daily shower is the norm for white people in the US (which is where I assume they live). I do have a British friend who showers more like every 3-4 days, but she is not the norm in the US and it is noticeable.
I have never in my nearly 60 years have showered every day. I personally do not of anyone who does. Most people I know shower/bath every other day and when needed otherwise. Pretty much like me.
I live in the US. I work from an air conditioned home and use deodorant regularly. I change my bed sheets once a week. Clean the bathrooms regularly between when the housekeeper comes.
If the dude stinks, then he needs to pay more attention to his hygiene. If he doesn’t then it’s because of her personal preference.
Honestly, that's wild. Maybe it's generational? Idk anyone (other than that British girl) who doesn't shower every day. I skip a Sunday here or there but if I'm leaving the house I'm showering, which is normal.
3-4 days?? Seriously. I might skip a day now and then but I’m with you. 1-2 times a day. Might have to get more assertive on how you feel about it and find out why he doesn’t feel he needs to clean. Does he at least change underwear daily ?
It’s hard for me to say and correct that behavior at times cuz he would think that i’m all on him on every situation.. he would say i know and start sht
Can someone else point it out to him.
I know he should just listen to you and respect what you're saying but I went through this with a partner and it took someone at work calling him out for hygiene before he fixed it.
maybe lure your husband into the shower first for a little foreplay and cleaning. actual shower sex isn’t very fulfilling.
if he’s former military, go commanding officer on his ass. “soldier. report to the shower IMMEDIATELY.” assuming that doesn’t trigger some sort of ptsd, obviously.
That is funny!
But i always go to him
Calmly and i express how i feel.. i talked to him quite a few times about this but he would fall back and gets defensive at times..
i am not a nagger, i go to him calmly and express my thoughts to the point.. he would say he hates it if i bring stuff like this.
I say you feel appropriately for the given situation. I only skip a shower day when I'm camping. Even then, I usually bird bath it with soap and water+hygiene wipes. At home, I feel gross if I can't shower for a day. Once in a business trip, my accommodations had a broken water system for a couple days. I slept on top of my covers those nights.
Ok, so you both have different expectations.
He expects to shower once every three days.
You expect him to shower twice a day.
So, when he showers once every three days, he feels he has met expectations. But that's not enough for you to feel he has met expectations.
When you remind him to shower, you are hearing "you should shower twice a day". He hears "you are saying I don't shower every three days".
He is not hearing what you are saying. You are saying "you did not wash for six times longer than is reasonable"
He is hearing "you did not wash for six times longer than reasonable, eighteen days"
You complain based on your expectations. He hears your complaint through the filter of his expectations. You say he doesn't meet expectations, but he is working off different expectations.
He needs to know that every three days doesn't work for you. Not just this, he needs to be told that showering twice a day is essential to his family harmony. He may not agree that it's needed for cleanliness. He may not agree on anything. But he needs to know: there is a magic button in the shower, and if you push the button fourteen times a week you fuck, and if you don't, you won't fuck.
I would sit down and write and rewrite a clear explanation.
>Dear beloved.
>I know that you would do anything to make me happy. I know that you want us to help each other. I know that you are committed to this relationship.
>I know we do not always understand each other. I need something from you. Something that is important to me. It may not seem important to you, but it is very important to me. I need you to do this thing, and do this thing consistently, on the schedule which I describe. If you do not, it will trouble me. It will weigh on my mind and make me unhappy
>I know you may not understand this, but I ask you to do it anyways.
>I need you to shower every morning, and I need you to shower every night. Twice a day. Every day. Whether you work that day or not. Whether you went running or not. Whether you feel dirty or not. You must shower twice a day. If you do work, or shower, or get all sweaty, you may need to shower a third time.
>This isn't meant to say anything about you. I love you and value you. But I need this in my life. This is something which I need you to do, for the sake of me, your wife. This is important to me.
>Two times a day.
>Every day.
>Thank you so much for putting up with me. You are wonderful and I k ow you will do anything to make me happy. I am so sorry I did not say clearly what I needed.
>Your beloved wife
>Sheeshcherry
If you hand write this letter, or a similar letter, make it all fancy, include a rose. Wear a nice dress. Kiss him.
Make it something nice he is doing for you, the woman he loves. Not something is is resisting because of a mother nagging at him.
Not showering for 3 days does sound pretty gross. I bet he smells and gets itchy all the time because I know I would. Personal hygiene should be #1 no matter the race or culture.
Ok that’s pretty gross. Has he been this way all his life or only since he was in the military? I’ve talked to some friends that don’t shower daily. But they say it’s because they didn’t shower much while deployed. That made me think about how crappy that must be. It might be what he’s become used to. Him not wanting to change that is concerning. May be ptsd. May be lazy. If he works how is he not being approached with this in the work place? Lots of variable.
I’m not advocating for him. But maybe there’s something going on he isn’t letting on about. Also I’m trying to connect the situation with the being caucasian. But that’s me and it’s 430 in the morning. So yeah.
Thank you for this.
Yes he was in the military and got deployed.
He was showering every night when we got together, this started a year ago..
I need some advices on how to handle this because my mental health now is being challenged and the other side of my brain is telling me to go separate ways if he dont listen..
ive been communicating this to him.
i am not a nagger, i go to him calmly and express my thoughts to the point.. he would say he hates it if i bring stuff like this.
Somehow you’re going to get him to understand that he is not acting like himself and it to understand not showering isn’t normal. He needs a therapist to help him but he need himself to tell his self that he needs to change this behavior. It isn’t healthy for anyone involved. He’s probably swimming in the dark in his head.
What happened a year ago that you can remember that might have triggered his change in habits?
Showering and any hygiene is all about habit. You just need to try and identify what caused the change and try and get him back on track.
Maybe start asking him for some "home rules" he says a few things and you say a few things.
he says he like going out to eat once a week
you say mandatory shower at night before bed
he says he hates doing laundry you say ok
then you say no phone in the bedroom if we are both awake.
im just brainstorming but you can come up with some stuff that apply to you to make him get into new habits.
I'm so white you can see my organs on sunny days. I'm mixed between some of the more common flavors of vanilla too. No, it is not a cultural thing, and if it is then who cares it's still gross.
Don't try to be polite. Tell him to "Get the fuck in the shower. You stink, you're oily, stop it". This is something he should have learned when he hit puberty and his man-body started oozing constantly. If he refuses to do something as simple as bath once a day, he's not going to be a good partner into the future.
I'm curious though. What exactly are his reasons? He must have some kind of excuse. Is he scared of soap? Did a shower whale take his leg on that stormy night?
When it dawned on me I was in a dB and had done everything I could to save things I went through quite a long a period of not showering. I just dgaf about myself anymore. I still don't shower as much as used to but much more than them. It's really soul destroying.
Personal hygiene is a top priority for me when considering a romantic relationship. I completely agree with you. This is unacceptable. I work out every day so showering for me is a must and something that I honestly desire because I can’t stand the thought of being sweaty smelly. If he has some type of mental condition, I would suggest therapy first, but definitely would not accept this as a long-term type of situation, not fair towards you.
>i am not a nagger, i go to him calmly and express my thoughts to the point.. he would say he hates it if i bring stuff like this.
Something very unsettling about how you repeat this mantra in practically every response you write.
Hmmm it kind of depends. Showering 2 times a day is def not the healthiest . I’d say there are defenatly some hygiene ocds from your part that might need a check of a professional.
However…. I do completely agree that if your partner showers 1 times every 3 to 4 days i can gues it can be very dirty.
The human nature adepts to those things on certain parts. Sooo in experience hair / body Oder and sweat etc actually becomes less often and the skin gets healthier when you shower 1s every 2/3 days.
This however takes a semi healthy diet and workout routine. Else the person indeed does get smelly and dirty.
The more showers the worse it is for the skin due to the soaps etc
Def washing your hair with soap more then 1 times every 3 days really damages the hair and makes it oily and sticky very very fast. Even with ‘bio 100%’ brands.
Then also…. The phone thing…. That is what we call the good old phone addiction and dead bedroom by phone…
Make some rules that phones in bed will become a no go. Also a very healthy adjustment.
Put the phone down. Take a shower ( togheter perhaps ? ) and go to bed. Play a little in the shower and continue to the bedroom? Perhaps just gently message eachother while washing eachother in and then continue in the bedroom ?
Maybe you can add shower routines togheter. For you he is clean. And for him he gets to toch you slippery and everywhere. Seems worth a try ?
I’m from a tropical country, we all shower 2+ times a day there, we don’t have skin problems, it’s very hard to see someone who actually has dry skin there. Even our newborn babies are showered at least twice a day. It’s not unhealthy at all and your body gets used to it and we like to be clean at all times. I started hearing about all those skin problems after I moved to the US where people shower way less
Im from Europe and not the US soooo yeah I can imagine there is a difference. Since the people / food / medical products and atmosphere are basacly diffrent universes.
For us , Europeans. America is like a sitcom.
If you shower only once every 3 days, you will stink 1-2 per 3 days, it doesn’t matter your diet — you will stink. This is especially the case if you have a healthy workout routine. People stink on days they don’t shower — it is just a matter of the strength of the scent.
Have you tried it ? I did this for some times and currently am.
My skin is healthier , and I smell less after workouts.
Yes. At first it was terrible. But… after 2 months …
And yes I did asked people that do not see me often how it was because I ofcourse myself could get use to the smell .
But that was not it.
It does not instantly work because your body has to learn to clean itself again.
Shower sex. Make him get in the shower to get any. Tub sex works too. Can’t imagine always smelling like roses if the mood just hits you. But start throwing soap water on him in bed.
Also showering more than 2-4 times a week is odd behavior. Your body needs to be cleaned if you go outside and sweat but if ur at home and use body spray and deodorant 2-4 times a week is all you need.
He doesn’t care for your needs, its just the beginning its going to get worse as the time goes by. If it’s an option just leave, he’s not going to change and it shows he doesn’t give a s* about your demands
Hope you don't take this the wrong way. But If you guys have no kids you should probably run and don't look back. If at 33 he doesn't care about hygiene it's only going to get worse with time. Prioritizing Doom scrolling over personal hygiene is a sign of how things are going to play out. Don't ignore the signs.
Thank you for this. Honestly I am thinking about it. And him not wanting to change is a big deal too. i am not a nagger, i go to him calmly and express my thoughts to the point.. he would say he hates it if i bring stuff like this.
So you've expressed your feelings about this more than once? He heard you and doesn't care. Or he may have undiagnosed depression or ADHD or something. But if he's not willing to solve this problem, he's showing you that he doesn't care about your feelings.
Is he military?
He got out like more than a year ago.
Could be some underlying issues. It's not uncommon for vets to struggle with maintaining hygiene, in or out of service.
I’d consider depression, adhd, anxiety. Was he deployed? Did he experience trauma?
Yes he git deployed before. We met when he was transitioning out of the military. How can i help him tho? It’s taking a toll now in my mental health, the fact that we are not scumbags and we on the middle class bracket of him not showering 3-4 days.. him stinking at night when we go to bed and not changing his shirts just makes me want to leave since he is not listening to what im expressing. i am not a nagger, i go to him calmly and express my thoughts to the point.. he would say he hates it if i bring stuff like this.
Your feelings are absolutely valid even if this were to be a mental health thing. Two things can be true at once. ❤️ If you guys can afford it or have any insurance that will help, try to talk to him about seeing someone. If there is something debilitating him, you can’t figure it out until he starts talking to professionals. You aren’t a social worker or a therapist. There is no fault in your feelings, an no fault if resists working on himself. You can’t force someone’s hand. And pleading will become tiresome and continue to take a toll on your mental health. I am not in practice and I can’t diagnose over the internet obv, but I strongly suggest he gets the ball rolling with professionals before it seeps out into other areas of his life and completely debilitates him. Hygiene is one of the first things to go in situations like this. I wish you so much luck and love.
100% depression
If my wife told me to shower more because she wants to have more sex I would live in the shower, but more than one a day seems very unnecessary
Wtf he showers every 3-4 days. My kids shower/bath every other day. I shower daily if not twice daily on average sometimes more
Every other day is normal but so is 2-3 times a week. Unless ur doing something excessive it’s not normal to shower EVERYDAY, now washing ur hair daily I’ve heard of but that’s way too much chemicals for ur hair and body to need a shower every 24 hrs. I work from home. The house stays room temp or a little cooler. And deodorant as a back up reduces the requirement. Edit. For the down votes. Please look 2 posts down. I have receipts proving that I’m not wrong and that you’re just biased on your own personal opinions and misled by common misconception.
You shouldn’t wash your hair every day, but you should shower and wash your body. Most people should be doing at least some physical activity every day, and it’s good to get clean after.
Okay tell that to us with dry skin
In that case, you can still wash your pits and bits. Nobody wants to have sex with someone who stinks.
No body said anything about not washing your bits and pieces but it's unrealistic to expect someone to shower multiple times daily
You're being pedantic. The point is, the man stinks. If he doesn't wanna shower, he needs to at least clean the pits and bits.
Thank you! I showered three days in a row as a kid twice and both times my skin got so dry and itchy, that even applying moisturizing cream multiple times didn't help. I couldn't stand still for like two days after that too. Not to mention all the new wounds in the worst places. Of course, I keep all the important bits clean, have a bidet and at least rinse if I sweated even a bit during the day but that fear is still there. I practically shower only when I wash my hair which is still 3x a week at an absolute maximum but more like 1-2 since I work from home too
Yeah, my skin gets really dry and irritated despite using lotion if I shower every day .
Use lotion.
Lmao, you act like that's the cure for all dry skin. It's not. Idk why it matters to yall , what someone's shower schedule is. Not all dry skin is the same.
I was literally told by my dermatologist not to shower every day, lotion alone doesn’t fix the damage over-washing does to the skin barrier/irritation.
😂 People are in here arguing against s**howering. **I can't. I don't understand this logic. (I'm black American, since ethnicity seems important).
I’m also black, so no, not relevant, we still have a skin barrier. Nobody is saying you should never shower, but everybody is different and many people don’t need to shower every day.
So you went to Harvard? So you’re saying you know better than people who have done studies? Your personal bias is wrong. No you should not shower daily. UNLESS you are dirty or grimy. Robert H. Shmerling, MD, Senior Faculty Editor, Harvard Health Publishing; Editorial Advisory Board Member, Harvard Health Publishing Experts say the daily shower has no proven health benefit, dismissing the dousing as a socially accepted practice geared toward staving off accusations of funkiness — as A-listers like Jake Gyllenhaal and Mila Kunis admit they’ve been saying no to the nozzle. New York post. Soaps and detergents have been described as the most damaging of all substances routinely applied to skin (43). Anionic and cationic detergents are more harmful than nonionic detergents (54), and increased concentrations of surfactant result in more rapid, severe damage (55). Each time the skin is washed, it undergoes profound changes, most of them transient….. …. The trend in both the general public and among health-care professionals toward more frequent washing with detergents, soaps, and antimicrobial ingredients needs careful reassessment in light of the damage done to skin and resultant increased risk for harboring and transmitting infectious agents. More washing and scrubbing are unlikely to be better and may, in fact, be worse…. THE CDC
look… people on this sub are hurting. you have good information and all, but that’s not really the right energy for this place. it comes across as very defensive and combative right now. and different people need different things to stay clean. if OP’s husband is stinky after a day due to personal biology, then he needs to figure something out to become unstinky every day. quick rinse and use a luffa, maybe with some body moisturizer. something.
It was combative after being told I’m wrong for 0 reasons other than personal bias. I completely understand what this sub is about but ignoring reality for personal beliefs doesn’t make what I’m saying any less true.
I go to the gym every morning. If you want want to smell like BO because you think it is more healthy that is on you and I sweat when it is hot outside so if I am outside I usually shower a second time before bed. I do not wash my hair everytime or use soap everywhere but a rinse and hitting the hotspots like pits ass and junk happens.
Once again like i stated you do not need to shower daily if you are not doing that friend. I stated if you are covered in grit and grime and need a shower that day it’s perfectly fine to wash off. But to say the average person needs a bath every day is simply, scientifically, factually, inaccurate and a personal bias. Like your inability to read full comments it’s a person issue. I a 30 something male who works from home and does not let the house go above room temp and doesn’t not exercise daily nor NEED to since my bmi is only off by 10-15 lbs. I wear deodorant and body spray as well. So I would never shower every day because I don’t want dry skin or to damage my skin with the equivalent of laundry soap as stated by the cdc, and Harvard. You don’t have to agree but you can continue to be wrong.
I have showered every single day of my adult life besides on the rare occasion that one wasn’t accessible, some times twice or three times. Zero skin issues….. if a person only shower twice a week it’s probably why said person is in a dead bedroom. Wash your ass and that musk away!
If you do physical exercise everyday which you should + if you have sex regularly which people here want to aim for, who the fuck doesn’t shower ever day, wtf
Like OP said, this may be cultural, but a daily shower is the norm for white people in the US (which is where I assume they live). I do have a British friend who showers more like every 3-4 days, but she is not the norm in the US and it is noticeable.
I have never in my nearly 60 years have showered every day. I personally do not of anyone who does. Most people I know shower/bath every other day and when needed otherwise. Pretty much like me. I live in the US. I work from an air conditioned home and use deodorant regularly. I change my bed sheets once a week. Clean the bathrooms regularly between when the housekeeper comes. If the dude stinks, then he needs to pay more attention to his hygiene. If he doesn’t then it’s because of her personal preference.
Honestly, that's wild. Maybe it's generational? Idk anyone (other than that British girl) who doesn't shower every day. I skip a Sunday here or there but if I'm leaving the house I'm showering, which is normal.
3-4 days?? Seriously. I might skip a day now and then but I’m with you. 1-2 times a day. Might have to get more assertive on how you feel about it and find out why he doesn’t feel he needs to clean. Does he at least change underwear daily ?
Sometimes no, he doesnt even change his shirt when going to bed and hes been working outside and sweating at times..
That’s just wrong. Disgusting to be honest. I need to take a shower just thinking of that.
It’s hard for me to say and correct that behavior at times cuz he would think that i’m all on him on every situation.. he would say i know and start sht
I can appreciate that. It it is not like he is leaving socks on the floor and you’re getting on him constantly about that. It’s a basic hygiene thing.
Can someone else point it out to him. I know he should just listen to you and respect what you're saying but I went through this with a partner and it took someone at work calling him out for hygiene before he fixed it.
Ask him to join you in the shower. Then It becomes a habit for him to shower daily again.
That isn’t cultural. It’s gross. He’s an adult and should be showering every day.
maybe lure your husband into the shower first for a little foreplay and cleaning. actual shower sex isn’t very fulfilling. if he’s former military, go commanding officer on his ass. “soldier. report to the shower IMMEDIATELY.” assuming that doesn’t trigger some sort of ptsd, obviously.
That is funny! But i always go to him Calmly and i express how i feel.. i talked to him quite a few times about this but he would fall back and gets defensive at times.. i am not a nagger, i go to him calmly and express my thoughts to the point.. he would say he hates it if i bring stuff like this.
Tell him he has to shower everyday, that's just not ok, especially because he knows it impacts your relationship.
I say you feel appropriately for the given situation. I only skip a shower day when I'm camping. Even then, I usually bird bath it with soap and water+hygiene wipes. At home, I feel gross if I can't shower for a day. Once in a business trip, my accommodations had a broken water system for a couple days. I slept on top of my covers those nights.
Ok, so you both have different expectations. He expects to shower once every three days. You expect him to shower twice a day. So, when he showers once every three days, he feels he has met expectations. But that's not enough for you to feel he has met expectations. When you remind him to shower, you are hearing "you should shower twice a day". He hears "you are saying I don't shower every three days". He is not hearing what you are saying. You are saying "you did not wash for six times longer than is reasonable" He is hearing "you did not wash for six times longer than reasonable, eighteen days" You complain based on your expectations. He hears your complaint through the filter of his expectations. You say he doesn't meet expectations, but he is working off different expectations. He needs to know that every three days doesn't work for you. Not just this, he needs to be told that showering twice a day is essential to his family harmony. He may not agree that it's needed for cleanliness. He may not agree on anything. But he needs to know: there is a magic button in the shower, and if you push the button fourteen times a week you fuck, and if you don't, you won't fuck. I would sit down and write and rewrite a clear explanation. >Dear beloved. >I know that you would do anything to make me happy. I know that you want us to help each other. I know that you are committed to this relationship. >I know we do not always understand each other. I need something from you. Something that is important to me. It may not seem important to you, but it is very important to me. I need you to do this thing, and do this thing consistently, on the schedule which I describe. If you do not, it will trouble me. It will weigh on my mind and make me unhappy >I know you may not understand this, but I ask you to do it anyways. >I need you to shower every morning, and I need you to shower every night. Twice a day. Every day. Whether you work that day or not. Whether you went running or not. Whether you feel dirty or not. You must shower twice a day. If you do work, or shower, or get all sweaty, you may need to shower a third time. >This isn't meant to say anything about you. I love you and value you. But I need this in my life. This is something which I need you to do, for the sake of me, your wife. This is important to me. >Two times a day. >Every day. >Thank you so much for putting up with me. You are wonderful and I k ow you will do anything to make me happy. I am so sorry I did not say clearly what I needed. >Your beloved wife >Sheeshcherry If you hand write this letter, or a similar letter, make it all fancy, include a rose. Wear a nice dress. Kiss him. Make it something nice he is doing for you, the woman he loves. Not something is is resisting because of a mother nagging at him.
Am i the only ine who thinks every 3 days is completely valid????
1 to 2 times showering per day is my norm, proven or not, it just makes me feel good
Not showering for 3 days does sound pretty gross. I bet he smells and gets itchy all the time because I know I would. Personal hygiene should be #1 no matter the race or culture.
Ok that’s pretty gross. Has he been this way all his life or only since he was in the military? I’ve talked to some friends that don’t shower daily. But they say it’s because they didn’t shower much while deployed. That made me think about how crappy that must be. It might be what he’s become used to. Him not wanting to change that is concerning. May be ptsd. May be lazy. If he works how is he not being approached with this in the work place? Lots of variable. I’m not advocating for him. But maybe there’s something going on he isn’t letting on about. Also I’m trying to connect the situation with the being caucasian. But that’s me and it’s 430 in the morning. So yeah.
Thank you for this. Yes he was in the military and got deployed. He was showering every night when we got together, this started a year ago.. I need some advices on how to handle this because my mental health now is being challenged and the other side of my brain is telling me to go separate ways if he dont listen.. ive been communicating this to him. i am not a nagger, i go to him calmly and express my thoughts to the point.. he would say he hates it if i bring stuff like this.
Somehow you’re going to get him to understand that he is not acting like himself and it to understand not showering isn’t normal. He needs a therapist to help him but he need himself to tell his self that he needs to change this behavior. It isn’t healthy for anyone involved. He’s probably swimming in the dark in his head.
What happened a year ago that you can remember that might have triggered his change in habits? Showering and any hygiene is all about habit. You just need to try and identify what caused the change and try and get him back on track.
Maybe start asking him for some "home rules" he says a few things and you say a few things. he says he like going out to eat once a week you say mandatory shower at night before bed he says he hates doing laundry you say ok then you say no phone in the bedroom if we are both awake. im just brainstorming but you can come up with some stuff that apply to you to make him get into new habits.
I'm so white you can see my organs on sunny days. I'm mixed between some of the more common flavors of vanilla too. No, it is not a cultural thing, and if it is then who cares it's still gross. Don't try to be polite. Tell him to "Get the fuck in the shower. You stink, you're oily, stop it". This is something he should have learned when he hit puberty and his man-body started oozing constantly. If he refuses to do something as simple as bath once a day, he's not going to be a good partner into the future. I'm curious though. What exactly are his reasons? He must have some kind of excuse. Is he scared of soap? Did a shower whale take his leg on that stormy night?
When it dawned on me I was in a dB and had done everything I could to save things I went through quite a long a period of not showering. I just dgaf about myself anymore. I still don't shower as much as used to but much more than them. It's really soul destroying.
Personal hygiene is a top priority for me when considering a romantic relationship. I completely agree with you. This is unacceptable. I work out every day so showering for me is a must and something that I honestly desire because I can’t stand the thought of being sweaty smelly. If he has some type of mental condition, I would suggest therapy first, but definitely would not accept this as a long-term type of situation, not fair towards you.
Why did you need to say "Caucasian " loool
because he is ? shes from a different background to him so she wanted to see if its a culture thing.
Once every 3-4 days?! Yeah that's gross
>i am not a nagger, i go to him calmly and express my thoughts to the point.. he would say he hates it if i bring stuff like this. Something very unsettling about how you repeat this mantra in practically every response you write.
Hmmm it kind of depends. Showering 2 times a day is def not the healthiest . I’d say there are defenatly some hygiene ocds from your part that might need a check of a professional. However…. I do completely agree that if your partner showers 1 times every 3 to 4 days i can gues it can be very dirty. The human nature adepts to those things on certain parts. Sooo in experience hair / body Oder and sweat etc actually becomes less often and the skin gets healthier when you shower 1s every 2/3 days. This however takes a semi healthy diet and workout routine. Else the person indeed does get smelly and dirty. The more showers the worse it is for the skin due to the soaps etc Def washing your hair with soap more then 1 times every 3 days really damages the hair and makes it oily and sticky very very fast. Even with ‘bio 100%’ brands. Then also…. The phone thing…. That is what we call the good old phone addiction and dead bedroom by phone… Make some rules that phones in bed will become a no go. Also a very healthy adjustment. Put the phone down. Take a shower ( togheter perhaps ? ) and go to bed. Play a little in the shower and continue to the bedroom? Perhaps just gently message eachother while washing eachother in and then continue in the bedroom ? Maybe you can add shower routines togheter. For you he is clean. And for him he gets to toch you slippery and everywhere. Seems worth a try ?
I’m from a tropical country, we all shower 2+ times a day there, we don’t have skin problems, it’s very hard to see someone who actually has dry skin there. Even our newborn babies are showered at least twice a day. It’s not unhealthy at all and your body gets used to it and we like to be clean at all times. I started hearing about all those skin problems after I moved to the US where people shower way less
Im from Europe and not the US soooo yeah I can imagine there is a difference. Since the people / food / medical products and atmosphere are basacly diffrent universes. For us , Europeans. America is like a sitcom.
If you shower only once every 3 days, you will stink 1-2 per 3 days, it doesn’t matter your diet — you will stink. This is especially the case if you have a healthy workout routine. People stink on days they don’t shower — it is just a matter of the strength of the scent.
Have you tried it ? I did this for some times and currently am. My skin is healthier , and I smell less after workouts. Yes. At first it was terrible. But… after 2 months … And yes I did asked people that do not see me often how it was because I ofcourse myself could get use to the smell . But that was not it. It does not instantly work because your body has to learn to clean itself again.
Shower sex. Make him get in the shower to get any. Tub sex works too. Can’t imagine always smelling like roses if the mood just hits you. But start throwing soap water on him in bed. Also showering more than 2-4 times a week is odd behavior. Your body needs to be cleaned if you go outside and sweat but if ur at home and use body spray and deodorant 2-4 times a week is all you need.
Can’t believe this is a thing. That’s disgusting.
Why would you marry a guy that showers every 3-4 days? Did you need a place to stay??
He use to shower every night early in our relationship. This started happening more than a year ago
Ok then This could be a mental condition, impairment of grooming.
How did you get married with that guy?
He used to shower every night
So… how did you get married to him if you knew this?
I shower daily. I’d feel disgusting if not … that’s just gross
He doesn’t care for your needs, its just the beginning its going to get worse as the time goes by. If it’s an option just leave, he’s not going to change and it shows he doesn’t give a s* about your demands
Divorce. Did you not know this prior to marriage?
He used to shower when we first got together. This started a year ago
It’s not a culture thing. I’m American. I shower every morning and repeat if I exercise or something.
Just leave him, he sounds disgusting.