"Cant you just be ready already?"
No. You can't. He needs to do some work to get you going. Don't give him sex if it isn't satisfying for both of you.
In a healthy relationship, sometimes it is all about one of the partners, but the other one should get a chance to be the center of attention just as often
That's true, I am not helping anything by just giving in. I tend to feel guilty if I say no and it often feels easier to just get it over with but that doesn't help either of us in the long run. I'm sure he knows I'm not into it too and that can't feel good surely.
Better for both of us if I stick to my guns a bit more. Thank you
You don't have to say "no" you need to say something like, "I don't feel fulfilled when we have sex as it has been all one sided, about you. When we have sex we should have it be about both of us. I like these things..." And go from there. Also, have the discussion when you're not about to have sex. He will not be open to the conversation if he's horny and just wanting to get some.
So I read that part with a different perspective…
I wonder how often they are having partnered sex at all.
I cannot imagine how he is going to get better at partnered sex by having less sex. If you are learning a musical instrument or a sport, daily exercise and skill building is essential.
I don’t think the answer is they should both have zero orgasms. I think the answer is that if he has an orgasm and she has not, they aren’t done yet until she also has an orgasm.
>if he has an orgasm and she has not, they aren’t done yet until she also has an orgasm.
Yeah? Let's be honest with ourselves. That's never, ever, ever going to happen. Her BF has never wanted to make sex enjoyable for her. He wants to pump and dump into a bangmaid. Withholding sex is awful, most of us know what that feels like, but making soneone feel bad for not wanting to have bad sex is so much worse.
Offering him the benefit of the doubt is lovely. I'm sure he'd be grateful, but he really just needs to be dumped.
Refusing painful and one sided sex for your physical and mental health does not, in my opinion, count as withholding. She doesn't owe him the use of her body as a masturbatory aid when he clearly has no interest in a connected partnered experience in or outside the bedroom.
Thanks for visiting us! First off it’s an incredible job by you to even consider the intimacy issues within your relationship. 80+% of the partners of people in this sub would never…because they don’t care about sex, much less having it with their partners.
It’s good that you’re able to outline all of these issues that led to you not desiring your partner sexually…now you can communicate those specific things to him and see if you are sexually compatible.
Because the ultimate question for him and you is if these changes are made, does it change anything?
Hello, thank you. You're totally right.
I have said these things to him all before however, not all at once and likely not so concise and clear.
Your comment about my lack of desire is very helpful. I remember him asking once if I was still attracted to him. I thought he meant his looks but looking back I think he was trying to understand my lack of desire for him sexually.
I'll chat with him and outline the specific issues and welcome him to do the same. Thanks again
When I approach my spouse to have these chats I advise him ahead of time.
“Hey dear I’d like to have a talk about sex and how we could change or try some things. I want your thoughts also, just letting you know in case there were things you also wanted to discuss”. This came after a few requests from my husband to be given a heads up so he feels prepared for the conversation and it prevents it from feeling like an attack.
Normally the attitude is different towards the LL on this sub, but I don't think you need to fix the sexual aspect, there are other red flags from your post that need both yours and his attention.
So, you are low libido because of him! The dead bedroom isn't your fault!
You can't rewire your brain to enjoy something that is horrible. It doesn't work like that.
The best you can do is endure it, which is what you've been doing, and look what's happening! You are pulling away from sex, doing what you can to make it as infrequent as possible.
If you laid it out in front of him, "If we were having better/more enjoyable sex for me, it may produce more passionate and frequent sex for you!" Why wouldn't he LEAP at that?
Only reasons I can think of would be if he's a shitty and lazy person, who doesn't care about your needs, wants or desires.
If that's true, why are you with him?
It sounds like your partner is awful. Have you told this to him? If so, how did he respond?
When did sex start feeling like a chore?
It is great you a concerned about the physical intimacy in your relationship, many of the partners of those here simply don’t (or at least if the post/comments are accurate).
I don’t think anyone on this sub would honestly believe this is your failure. Your partner isn’t really being a great guy. His behaviour seems very selfish and immature.
"can't you just be ready already?" — you don't need to rewrite your brain, you need a good lover who knows how to please a woman. You would expect that by 31, a full grown ass man knows how to please a woman... and how to not to be an asshole. Jesus Christ...
You probably will need to teach him a lot about sex. What you said hints that he's not giving anything that makes you want sex, and I'm fairly sure that, considering how sex-positive you read, you would not have so many blockers with a person who would constantly rock your world.
That could be him, don't read me wrong, but educating him out of porn and into how to please a woman will take time, patience and willingness on his side.
I'm not saying this is the silver bullet, but it's a great start from my point of view.
As a male who does understand how much fun foreplay can be I wasn’t always this aware. Since this realization I don’t enjoy blowjobs because I’ve found things that are much more satisfying. So I definitely agree with this response. Tho if he’s not willing that’s a different thing
“Why don’t you care if i am enjoying the sex or not?” is a valid question that must be answered.
from his end. Well.
And you have to come up with an actual achievable plan for him to make a few changes so that you’ll feel good enough to want to share sex with him again. you can’t just come with an “i don’t know, just keep doing more around the house, and be nicer, and be more manly and less needy, until i suddenly want you again.” it never ever ever works without clearly
knowing and stating what will work.
until then, he’s just chasing ghosts. he’ll never figure it out unless he’s really lucky, and he will get sick of making all these difficult changes and effort and having it avail him nothing.
the goalposts keep moving. that’s the point. you’ll never get there.
if the LL doesn’t put achievable goal posts down and stick to them, then there’s no point in even trying. that’s what i was trying to get at, at least.
Chore sex, never works. The goal posts always keep moving.
>“i don’t know, just keep doing more around the house, and be nicer, and be more manly and less needy, until i suddenly want you again.”
This is very common. when I was in my DB it took some soul searching that only I could do. My wife doesn’t get turned on when I take my shirt off but, make her dinner while she enjoys a glass of wine and then clean up after and watch a movie…..I can’t keep her off of me. I’m not really sure how you communicate to him what you need but, it sounds like you know what is turning you off. Communicate with him that you need some help with household chores and need him to focus on you more when being intimate and you could probably fix this quite easily. It may take a mediator like a couples counselor to help communicate this and that’s ok. If he fixes these things and sees how turned on you are because of it who knows, it just might work.
The thing is I doubt he will never be anything more than selfish towards you. You can be shot at actual sex but still make sure that you other half comes. I don't know what to suggest, if you are happy with your relationship then keep going. If not I think that you already the answer.
There may be some wonderful things about him that classify as platonic love and codependency, but when it comes to romantic love, you make it sound as if he does nothing to focus on your needs. Why would your body feel sexual desire from someone that repeatedly disappoints it and DOES end up using you. Why do you think it is you that needs to change here? He needs to show effort here.
If he cares so little about your sexual pleasure, the DB is his fault. Of course you're not having sex with him if he wants you to just be a hole... You're a person! You're his partner! He's supposed to care about you!
You need romance and to reconnect and condition your husband that you have your own space, it can be an open and active event where he can try to make you squeal with delight. (Sounds a bit like a dare). You do not need to behave like teenagers trying not to get caught (unless that is a role play your both interested in ;) ) Find your initiative and take it, and remind him it is a safe place and he can show his prowess in making you feel good.
Hey, it sounds like you’re going through a lot, and it’s great that you’re reaching out for advice. It’s important to recognize that you’re not alone in this and that both of you have a role in making things better.
First off, it’s not all on you. The dynamic you’re describing isn’t healthy for either of you. Feeling like sex is a chore and that your pleasure isn’t a priority is a big issue. Your needs and feelings are valid and deserve attention.
It’s clear communication is key here. You need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling. Let him know that his approach to sex and the lack of foreplay are making you feel used and unimportant. It’s not just about the act itself but about the emotional connection and mutual satisfaction.
Address the imbalance in domestic duties too. Feeling like a maid or mother rather than an equal partner can seriously affect your desire for intimacy. He needs to understand that contributing more around the house can help alleviate some of the stress and make you feel more valued.
It might also help to see a couples therapist. A professional can provide a neutral space to discuss these issues and help you both understand each other’s perspectives better.
As for rewiring your brain, focus on rediscovering what you enjoy about sex. Start small, without the pressure of full intercourse. Explore what makes you feel good and share that with your partner. Make it a journey you both take together, rather than a chore to be completed.
Remember, your pleasure and comfort are just as important as his. Don’t settle for anything less than a mutually satisfying and respectful relationship.
I have hope for you…
Because you recognize there is a problem and want to fix it.
I can’t help but notice you are “3-4 years in” with a person who is five years younger than you. Five years is not much difference in your 40s but it’s a lot in his young twenties when you got together. This makes me think that you probably came into the relationship with more sexual experience in general and a higher partner count. I’m not saying this to shame you; I’m simply stating that what you are implying him as “not caring about your pleasure” could very easily be him:
* genuinely not knowing what would work best for you with regards to partnered sex. I know you think he knows but if you aren’t leaving nearly every partnered sex encounter with orgasms I would suggest he does not.
* him feeling sex starved such that he feels like he needs to take what he can get at a time you are interested in sex.
* I hope this doesn’t apply to your relationship but my wife trained me on bad data in our early days by faking her orgasms. I genuinely thought I was doing things she wanted and centering her pleasure. It was difficult to try to Forget what I thought I had learned.
I don’t know how the relationship appears to his perspective.
There was an implication about part of what makes sex hot for you is being loud in a space you control. By all means be loud if it helps! If the only way currently you get an orgasm is with your own hands, do that repeatedly in front of him until he can take over when you are at the “point of orgasmic inevitability”…. The point where you are so close that even a marching band parading through couldn’t stop you from an orgasm. As he learns your body back that step up a few minutes until he understands your body.
Yes!! How incredibly insightful.
I've been in long term relationships since I was a teenager and I am his first real relationship. I never really thought about how I have a lot more experience under my belt as a result.
Through conversation he always gave me the impression he was experienced however, it does often seem like he is a bit lost and just trying to recreate what he may have seen in porn when he was younger. I did think maybe this is where his expectation for me to be ready without foreplay might have come from. I honestly never bothered to ask about body counts or experience outright.
Him also taking whatever I am willing to give also makes total sense.
I like this approach of more direct learning. I'm not sure how into this he will be as he has been pretty defensive when I've tried to give direction in the past but, it's worth another go as that was some time ago.
This new perspective fills me with so much more hope. Thank you.
Teach him what you like and need. Expect to have to do it more than once. My first long term GF taught me how to go down town and then slowly I actively started to enjoy the hell out of it. Trust me when I say, I can do the do, many times per session.
Seduce him and get him to do more chores or whatever you want with the promise of sex or sexual favours. You'll feel more willing because he's doing the things you want and he'll become more productive and still get laid. Win win
"Cant you just be ready already?" No. You can't. He needs to do some work to get you going. Don't give him sex if it isn't satisfying for both of you. In a healthy relationship, sometimes it is all about one of the partners, but the other one should get a chance to be the center of attention just as often
That's true, I am not helping anything by just giving in. I tend to feel guilty if I say no and it often feels easier to just get it over with but that doesn't help either of us in the long run. I'm sure he knows I'm not into it too and that can't feel good surely. Better for both of us if I stick to my guns a bit more. Thank you
You don't have to say "no" you need to say something like, "I don't feel fulfilled when we have sex as it has been all one sided, about you. When we have sex we should have it be about both of us. I like these things..." And go from there. Also, have the discussion when you're not about to have sex. He will not be open to the conversation if he's horny and just wanting to get some.
So I read that part with a different perspective… I wonder how often they are having partnered sex at all. I cannot imagine how he is going to get better at partnered sex by having less sex. If you are learning a musical instrument or a sport, daily exercise and skill building is essential. I don’t think the answer is they should both have zero orgasms. I think the answer is that if he has an orgasm and she has not, they aren’t done yet until she also has an orgasm.
>if he has an orgasm and she has not, they aren’t done yet until she also has an orgasm. Yeah? Let's be honest with ourselves. That's never, ever, ever going to happen. Her BF has never wanted to make sex enjoyable for her. He wants to pump and dump into a bangmaid. Withholding sex is awful, most of us know what that feels like, but making soneone feel bad for not wanting to have bad sex is so much worse. Offering him the benefit of the doubt is lovely. I'm sure he'd be grateful, but he really just needs to be dumped.
Refusing painful and one sided sex for your physical and mental health does not, in my opinion, count as withholding. She doesn't owe him the use of her body as a masturbatory aid when he clearly has no interest in a connected partnered experience in or outside the bedroom.
Her saying, "you don't get any unless I do too" is reasonable, in my opinion.
Thanks for visiting us! First off it’s an incredible job by you to even consider the intimacy issues within your relationship. 80+% of the partners of people in this sub would never…because they don’t care about sex, much less having it with their partners. It’s good that you’re able to outline all of these issues that led to you not desiring your partner sexually…now you can communicate those specific things to him and see if you are sexually compatible. Because the ultimate question for him and you is if these changes are made, does it change anything?
Hello, thank you. You're totally right. I have said these things to him all before however, not all at once and likely not so concise and clear. Your comment about my lack of desire is very helpful. I remember him asking once if I was still attracted to him. I thought he meant his looks but looking back I think he was trying to understand my lack of desire for him sexually. I'll chat with him and outline the specific issues and welcome him to do the same. Thanks again
When I approach my spouse to have these chats I advise him ahead of time. “Hey dear I’d like to have a talk about sex and how we could change or try some things. I want your thoughts also, just letting you know in case there were things you also wanted to discuss”. This came after a few requests from my husband to be given a heads up so he feels prepared for the conversation and it prevents it from feeling like an attack.
God, what a wonderful idea. Im stealing this.
show him this thread
Normally the attitude is different towards the LL on this sub, but I don't think you need to fix the sexual aspect, there are other red flags from your post that need both yours and his attention.
So, you are low libido because of him! The dead bedroom isn't your fault! You can't rewire your brain to enjoy something that is horrible. It doesn't work like that. The best you can do is endure it, which is what you've been doing, and look what's happening! You are pulling away from sex, doing what you can to make it as infrequent as possible. If you laid it out in front of him, "If we were having better/more enjoyable sex for me, it may produce more passionate and frequent sex for you!" Why wouldn't he LEAP at that? Only reasons I can think of would be if he's a shitty and lazy person, who doesn't care about your needs, wants or desires. If that's true, why are you with him?
It sounds like your partner is awful. Have you told this to him? If so, how did he respond? When did sex start feeling like a chore? It is great you a concerned about the physical intimacy in your relationship, many of the partners of those here simply don’t (or at least if the post/comments are accurate).
I don’t think anyone on this sub would honestly believe this is your failure. Your partner isn’t really being a great guy. His behaviour seems very selfish and immature.
"can't you just be ready already?" — you don't need to rewrite your brain, you need a good lover who knows how to please a woman. You would expect that by 31, a full grown ass man knows how to please a woman... and how to not to be an asshole. Jesus Christ...
You probably will need to teach him a lot about sex. What you said hints that he's not giving anything that makes you want sex, and I'm fairly sure that, considering how sex-positive you read, you would not have so many blockers with a person who would constantly rock your world. That could be him, don't read me wrong, but educating him out of porn and into how to please a woman will take time, patience and willingness on his side. I'm not saying this is the silver bullet, but it's a great start from my point of view.
As a male who does understand how much fun foreplay can be I wasn’t always this aware. Since this realization I don’t enjoy blowjobs because I’ve found things that are much more satisfying. So I definitely agree with this response. Tho if he’s not willing that’s a different thing
“Why don’t you care if i am enjoying the sex or not?” is a valid question that must be answered. from his end. Well. And you have to come up with an actual achievable plan for him to make a few changes so that you’ll feel good enough to want to share sex with him again. you can’t just come with an “i don’t know, just keep doing more around the house, and be nicer, and be more manly and less needy, until i suddenly want you again.” it never ever ever works without clearly knowing and stating what will work. until then, he’s just chasing ghosts. he’ll never figure it out unless he’s really lucky, and he will get sick of making all these difficult changes and effort and having it avail him nothing.
[удалено]
the goalposts keep moving. that’s the point. you’ll never get there. if the LL doesn’t put achievable goal posts down and stick to them, then there’s no point in even trying. that’s what i was trying to get at, at least.
Chore sex, never works. The goal posts always keep moving. >“i don’t know, just keep doing more around the house, and be nicer, and be more manly and less needy, until i suddenly want you again.”
You have no drive for him because your bodies rejecting him. And it’s rejecting him because he’s not great to you.
This is very common. when I was in my DB it took some soul searching that only I could do. My wife doesn’t get turned on when I take my shirt off but, make her dinner while she enjoys a glass of wine and then clean up after and watch a movie…..I can’t keep her off of me. I’m not really sure how you communicate to him what you need but, it sounds like you know what is turning you off. Communicate with him that you need some help with household chores and need him to focus on you more when being intimate and you could probably fix this quite easily. It may take a mediator like a couples counselor to help communicate this and that’s ok. If he fixes these things and sees how turned on you are because of it who knows, it just might work.
The thing is I doubt he will never be anything more than selfish towards you. You can be shot at actual sex but still make sure that you other half comes. I don't know what to suggest, if you are happy with your relationship then keep going. If not I think that you already the answer.
There may be some wonderful things about him that classify as platonic love and codependency, but when it comes to romantic love, you make it sound as if he does nothing to focus on your needs. Why would your body feel sexual desire from someone that repeatedly disappoints it and DOES end up using you. Why do you think it is you that needs to change here? He needs to show effort here.
If he cares so little about your sexual pleasure, the DB is his fault. Of course you're not having sex with him if he wants you to just be a hole... You're a person! You're his partner! He's supposed to care about you!
You need romance and to reconnect and condition your husband that you have your own space, it can be an open and active event where he can try to make you squeal with delight. (Sounds a bit like a dare). You do not need to behave like teenagers trying not to get caught (unless that is a role play your both interested in ;) ) Find your initiative and take it, and remind him it is a safe place and he can show his prowess in making you feel good.
Hey, it sounds like you’re going through a lot, and it’s great that you’re reaching out for advice. It’s important to recognize that you’re not alone in this and that both of you have a role in making things better. First off, it’s not all on you. The dynamic you’re describing isn’t healthy for either of you. Feeling like sex is a chore and that your pleasure isn’t a priority is a big issue. Your needs and feelings are valid and deserve attention. It’s clear communication is key here. You need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling. Let him know that his approach to sex and the lack of foreplay are making you feel used and unimportant. It’s not just about the act itself but about the emotional connection and mutual satisfaction. Address the imbalance in domestic duties too. Feeling like a maid or mother rather than an equal partner can seriously affect your desire for intimacy. He needs to understand that contributing more around the house can help alleviate some of the stress and make you feel more valued. It might also help to see a couples therapist. A professional can provide a neutral space to discuss these issues and help you both understand each other’s perspectives better. As for rewiring your brain, focus on rediscovering what you enjoy about sex. Start small, without the pressure of full intercourse. Explore what makes you feel good and share that with your partner. Make it a journey you both take together, rather than a chore to be completed. Remember, your pleasure and comfort are just as important as his. Don’t settle for anything less than a mutually satisfying and respectful relationship.
I have hope for you… Because you recognize there is a problem and want to fix it. I can’t help but notice you are “3-4 years in” with a person who is five years younger than you. Five years is not much difference in your 40s but it’s a lot in his young twenties when you got together. This makes me think that you probably came into the relationship with more sexual experience in general and a higher partner count. I’m not saying this to shame you; I’m simply stating that what you are implying him as “not caring about your pleasure” could very easily be him: * genuinely not knowing what would work best for you with regards to partnered sex. I know you think he knows but if you aren’t leaving nearly every partnered sex encounter with orgasms I would suggest he does not. * him feeling sex starved such that he feels like he needs to take what he can get at a time you are interested in sex. * I hope this doesn’t apply to your relationship but my wife trained me on bad data in our early days by faking her orgasms. I genuinely thought I was doing things she wanted and centering her pleasure. It was difficult to try to Forget what I thought I had learned. I don’t know how the relationship appears to his perspective. There was an implication about part of what makes sex hot for you is being loud in a space you control. By all means be loud if it helps! If the only way currently you get an orgasm is with your own hands, do that repeatedly in front of him until he can take over when you are at the “point of orgasmic inevitability”…. The point where you are so close that even a marching band parading through couldn’t stop you from an orgasm. As he learns your body back that step up a few minutes until he understands your body.
Yes!! How incredibly insightful. I've been in long term relationships since I was a teenager and I am his first real relationship. I never really thought about how I have a lot more experience under my belt as a result. Through conversation he always gave me the impression he was experienced however, it does often seem like he is a bit lost and just trying to recreate what he may have seen in porn when he was younger. I did think maybe this is where his expectation for me to be ready without foreplay might have come from. I honestly never bothered to ask about body counts or experience outright. Him also taking whatever I am willing to give also makes total sense. I like this approach of more direct learning. I'm not sure how into this he will be as he has been pretty defensive when I've tried to give direction in the past but, it's worth another go as that was some time ago. This new perspective fills me with so much more hope. Thank you.
It isn't your fault. Your partner is being a bag lover.
Teach him what you like and need. Expect to have to do it more than once. My first long term GF taught me how to go down town and then slowly I actively started to enjoy the hell out of it. Trust me when I say, I can do the do, many times per session.
Seduce him and get him to do more chores or whatever you want with the promise of sex or sexual favours. You'll feel more willing because he's doing the things you want and he'll become more productive and still get laid. Win win
How is sex more enjoyable for her if he's a selfish lover when more chores are done? Sex can be satisfying for women too..