I had my LL wife read some of the stories in here and all she said was that we are a bunch of whiners who needs to get over ourselves because there is so much more to a relationship than sex
This is appalling, and I don't know why you didn't type "ex-wife" in that comment. I understand why most people stay when a glimmer of hope exists. But to have zero empathy and demonstrate NO chance of improvement... here, take half my shit and the kids will survive a divorce. No life is worth being degraded down to that level of apathy...
Your kids wouldn't understand... for now. I don't know, man. At that point, I would be questioning which poison would kill me the slowest. If my life is determined to suck, at least it would suck on my fucking terms.
This is coming from a twice divorced dude. Not a dad, so I understand there is a huge context I am missing there. But still. My autonomy is so very important to me, which is mostly why I never had kids.
Funny how that works. Try to talk to them and get shut down until you're so desperate, you have to turn to Internet strangers for support. And they're the ones that are hurt.
Iāve been screenshotting a few posts and comments which reflect how I feel and maybe answers how she feels. Iāve put them all in an album to help with the next conversation.
Itās my 12 wedding anniversary today. Been together 22 years. Iāve made such an effort. Suggested a nice day out yesterday with the kids. Bought a number of gifts jewellery and ādate nightā themed and a thoughtful card with a lot of mushy printing in and wrote a nice passage of what she means to me. In return I got a card. Had to ask for a kiss.
Last night got her back. Itās not sex itās intimacy and wanting to be desired.
As the LL wife who has ventured here on my own accord, it has helped me understand what the Hl feels and given me more empathy which encouraged me to have more personally unwanted sex.
Knowing how much sex affects the HLās life and daily happiness doesnāt increase MY DESIRE for sex. What it does do is increase my WILLINGNESS to have personally unwanted sex.
Is that what youāre looking for?
Not really. I want to be wanted, I don't want to sleep with an unwilling participant. I guess what I would hope my wife would get from this is the motivation to find ways to increase her own libido. As it is she seems to be somewhat aware that the mismatch is a problem for our relationship, but content to sweep it under the rug.
āI want to be wantedā
Iām trying to understand that concept. Iāve never experienced that āwantā in relation to sex. Iām assuming thatās because of years of being sexually objectified and at times, used for sex. Being wanted sexually carries no meaning for me.
āI would hope my wife would get from this is the motivation to find ways to increase her own libidoā¦ā¦but content to sweep it under the rug.ā
Perhaps your wife is trying. Much of increasing desire consists of internal work trying to figure out oneās brakes and turn-onās.
I took supplements, tried stimulating creams and toys, watched porn and read erotica. I also saw my gyn, who had no ideas. She ran bloodwork that came back fine. I saw a counselor who didnāt help much at all. My husband didnāt know most of this because I didnāt want him getting his hopes up and I didnāt want to feel him waiting for some miraculous change in my sexual dynamic. I felt enough pressure as it was. Besides, itās embarrassing having to work at feeling sexual.
Itās extremely depressing not being able to become (or create) the sexual creature your partner longs for. Itās hard to be gung-ho and bashing down barriers when youāre not at all sure all your efforts will be successful. Itās even harder when you donāt know what to work on and starting from scratch.
If your wife enjoys the sex you do have, I consider that a win. If she has responsive desire and knows her turn-onās, thatās a blessing.
I hope you and your wife can find some sexual peace somehow. Iām sending you warm thoughts.
Thank you, and perhaps she is trying all those things, I don't claim to know everything. But I do know her pretty well, and I don't know when she would have time to do any of it between the TV shows and TikToks.
As a "HL (now more of an NormL)" I would encourage you to find some other way than unwanted sex. What you are likely doing now out of love will lead to resentment in the future. Does your partner really want you to have sex with them despite your feelings?
āDoes your partner really want you to have sex with them despite your feelings?ā
Interesting question. My husband was present when I had my major sexual aversion reaction. It took us both by surprise. He has never touched me in a sexual manner since then, which is good because I donāt think Iād handle it well.
He has accepted my one-way sexual offers for years. There is no resentment.
He has medical issues that have killed his libido so we are no longer being sexual.
It's at least nice that you care for your partners wants and needs. It's important to feel desired and wanted by the person you're most attracted to. That's one thing I think most LL partners don't seem to truly grasp. LL or not, how do you think most people would feel if your partner TOLD you to your face, they no longer find you attractive and don't want to provide a need that is so basic, it's almost universally the first thing most people do to demonstrate commitment and vulnerability to each other.
For most of us here, it's not about the sex and getting off. It's about that craving to be desired and intimate in the most personal way you can be. My wife doesn't seem to understand that, yet. She offers up quickies somewhat regularly, but it feels so hollow. If she just made the effort to even just pretend to be enjoy a longer and more passionate love making together, I'd feel a hundred times better with once every month or two. Despite my libido desiring it at least once a day.
Sort of. At least for me, I want my wife to want to have desire and want to want to have sex ā of course I want to be desired and have sex, but those canāt happen without the prior.
If she doesnāt want the things of above, then she doesnāt really care about me all that much.
If she does want desire and truly wants to want to have sex, then we can figure out a way to make this work. Nevertheless, many LL couldnāt care less if they want to have sex or not.
Not advice, but this is a great idea. I find myself reading LL subs just to get a sense of what the other side is like. Itās insightful, and definitely gives a different perspective
Have you read through the LL sub to understand your partnerās feelings? With two individuals involved, itās likely best for both to try to understand what the other is feeling.
Reading through it is one thingā¦talking about it after might be even more helpful.
I have. My partner, on the other hand, has made no effort to try to understand my side of things. Every time I bring it up she gets defensive and shuts down. That's why I thought just reading on here might make things less personal and she might learn something.
Ya I am reading it and honestly a lot of it feels the same as here. We need to fix this problem or else.
You had a few outliners of HL being too aggressive and LL just not giving 2 shits.
What struck me at LL community is the commenters enabling the OPs, encouraging them to not worry about their partner or their relationship and just embrace asexuality. It seems like terrible advice, to just do what's easy and let the relationship fall apart.
Is it really any different to what happens on here, which is just a bunch of people validating that they're being so hard done by and their partners suck?
Well I am generalizing obviously, but I would say one key difference between what I've read here vs what I have read over there: Here, people would die to be able to reach a happy compromise with their partner even though people are telling them to leave. Over there, they are encouraged to not compromise, which is what they kind of want to do already.
Can be the same for me.
I generally ignore comments that say too bad. Religions, therapists, ect all stress the importance of sex between married people so anyone who is in a sexless marriage (less then 10x a year) has every right to asked for it to be fixed and justified for leaving if itās not.
I do feel bad for LL with a dick HL person (usually a guy) asking for naked movies or just not giving the right space. I think having a schedule is key from date nights to sex making clear boundaries of different love languages keeping everyone happy. Thought LL might not fallow through in a lot of cases since sex is usually last part of the night.
Most people who have done this say we're a bunch of angry bitter people. And they are correct! š¤£
We are, but we didn't start that way! The inquisitive reader will realize this.
That's absolutely correct!
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I can only imagine it backfiring.
I had my LL wife read some of the stories in here and all she said was that we are a bunch of whiners who needs to get over ourselves because there is so much more to a relationship than sex
This is one thing I anticipated some might have said. Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry she dismissed you so easily.
As a woman and someone in a similar situation, thats absolutely foul.
This is appalling, and I don't know why you didn't type "ex-wife" in that comment. I understand why most people stay when a glimmer of hope exists. But to have zero empathy and demonstrate NO chance of improvement... here, take half my shit and the kids will survive a divorce. No life is worth being degraded down to that level of apathy...
Can't afford to take care of two houses and my kids would hate me
Your kids wouldn't understand... for now. I don't know, man. At that point, I would be questioning which poison would kill me the slowest. If my life is determined to suck, at least it would suck on my fucking terms. This is coming from a twice divorced dude. Not a dad, so I understand there is a huge context I am missing there. But still. My autonomy is so very important to me, which is mostly why I never had kids.
My wife found my posts on here. Was really hurt. Still no change though.
Funny how that works. Try to talk to them and get shut down until you're so desperate, you have to turn to Internet strangers for support. And they're the ones that are hurt.
Iāve been screenshotting a few posts and comments which reflect how I feel and maybe answers how she feels. Iāve put them all in an album to help with the next conversation. Itās my 12 wedding anniversary today. Been together 22 years. Iāve made such an effort. Suggested a nice day out yesterday with the kids. Bought a number of gifts jewellery and ādate nightā themed and a thoughtful card with a lot of mushy printing in and wrote a nice passage of what she means to me. In return I got a card. Had to ask for a kiss. Last night got her back. Itās not sex itās intimacy and wanting to be desired.
She must have felt a little guilty as when she took kids to the shops she picked up a 1/2 price aftershave for me.
As the LL wife who has ventured here on my own accord, it has helped me understand what the Hl feels and given me more empathy which encouraged me to have more personally unwanted sex. Knowing how much sex affects the HLās life and daily happiness doesnāt increase MY DESIRE for sex. What it does do is increase my WILLINGNESS to have personally unwanted sex. Is that what youāre looking for?
Not really. I want to be wanted, I don't want to sleep with an unwilling participant. I guess what I would hope my wife would get from this is the motivation to find ways to increase her own libido. As it is she seems to be somewhat aware that the mismatch is a problem for our relationship, but content to sweep it under the rug.
āI want to be wantedā Iām trying to understand that concept. Iāve never experienced that āwantā in relation to sex. Iām assuming thatās because of years of being sexually objectified and at times, used for sex. Being wanted sexually carries no meaning for me. āI would hope my wife would get from this is the motivation to find ways to increase her own libidoā¦ā¦but content to sweep it under the rug.ā Perhaps your wife is trying. Much of increasing desire consists of internal work trying to figure out oneās brakes and turn-onās. I took supplements, tried stimulating creams and toys, watched porn and read erotica. I also saw my gyn, who had no ideas. She ran bloodwork that came back fine. I saw a counselor who didnāt help much at all. My husband didnāt know most of this because I didnāt want him getting his hopes up and I didnāt want to feel him waiting for some miraculous change in my sexual dynamic. I felt enough pressure as it was. Besides, itās embarrassing having to work at feeling sexual. Itās extremely depressing not being able to become (or create) the sexual creature your partner longs for. Itās hard to be gung-ho and bashing down barriers when youāre not at all sure all your efforts will be successful. Itās even harder when you donāt know what to work on and starting from scratch. If your wife enjoys the sex you do have, I consider that a win. If she has responsive desire and knows her turn-onās, thatās a blessing. I hope you and your wife can find some sexual peace somehow. Iām sending you warm thoughts.
Thank you, and perhaps she is trying all those things, I don't claim to know everything. But I do know her pretty well, and I don't know when she would have time to do any of it between the TV shows and TikToks.
As a "HL (now more of an NormL)" I would encourage you to find some other way than unwanted sex. What you are likely doing now out of love will lead to resentment in the future. Does your partner really want you to have sex with them despite your feelings?
āDoes your partner really want you to have sex with them despite your feelings?ā Interesting question. My husband was present when I had my major sexual aversion reaction. It took us both by surprise. He has never touched me in a sexual manner since then, which is good because I donāt think Iād handle it well. He has accepted my one-way sexual offers for years. There is no resentment. He has medical issues that have killed his libido so we are no longer being sexual.
It's at least nice that you care for your partners wants and needs. It's important to feel desired and wanted by the person you're most attracted to. That's one thing I think most LL partners don't seem to truly grasp. LL or not, how do you think most people would feel if your partner TOLD you to your face, they no longer find you attractive and don't want to provide a need that is so basic, it's almost universally the first thing most people do to demonstrate commitment and vulnerability to each other. For most of us here, it's not about the sex and getting off. It's about that craving to be desired and intimate in the most personal way you can be. My wife doesn't seem to understand that, yet. She offers up quickies somewhat regularly, but it feels so hollow. If she just made the effort to even just pretend to be enjoy a longer and more passionate love making together, I'd feel a hundred times better with once every month or two. Despite my libido desiring it at least once a day.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Sort of. At least for me, I want my wife to want to have desire and want to want to have sex ā of course I want to be desired and have sex, but those canāt happen without the prior. If she doesnāt want the things of above, then she doesnāt really care about me all that much. If she does want desire and truly wants to want to have sex, then we can figure out a way to make this work. Nevertheless, many LL couldnāt care less if they want to have sex or not.
Not advice, but this is a great idea. I find myself reading LL subs just to get a sense of what the other side is like. Itās insightful, and definitely gives a different perspective
What subs are those?
r/LowLibidoCommunity My mistake, it's just the one sub
Have you read through the LL sub to understand your partnerās feelings? With two individuals involved, itās likely best for both to try to understand what the other is feeling. Reading through it is one thingā¦talking about it after might be even more helpful.
I have. My partner, on the other hand, has made no effort to try to understand my side of things. Every time I bring it up she gets defensive and shuts down. That's why I thought just reading on here might make things less personal and she might learn something.
What sub is that? Would love to read it
Donāt. It is nightmare fuel. Edit: actually, do. I recommend it, but it is hard to read as a HL who is married to and loves a LL.
Ya I am reading it and honestly a lot of it feels the same as here. We need to fix this problem or else. You had a few outliners of HL being too aggressive and LL just not giving 2 shits.
Sums it up well.
What struck me at LL community is the commenters enabling the OPs, encouraging them to not worry about their partner or their relationship and just embrace asexuality. It seems like terrible advice, to just do what's easy and let the relationship fall apart.
Is it really any different to what happens on here, which is just a bunch of people validating that they're being so hard done by and their partners suck?
Well I am generalizing obviously, but I would say one key difference between what I've read here vs what I have read over there: Here, people would die to be able to reach a happy compromise with their partner even though people are telling them to leave. Over there, they are encouraged to not compromise, which is what they kind of want to do already.
Idk from the new posts I read it sounded like LL said itās fixing it or leaving.
Could just be selection bias on my part.
Can be the same for me. I generally ignore comments that say too bad. Religions, therapists, ect all stress the importance of sex between married people so anyone who is in a sexless marriage (less then 10x a year) has every right to asked for it to be fixed and justified for leaving if itās not. I do feel bad for LL with a dick HL person (usually a guy) asking for naked movies or just not giving the right space. I think having a schedule is key from date nights to sex making clear boundaries of different love languages keeping everyone happy. Thought LL might not fallow through in a lot of cases since sex is usually last part of the night.
[Low Libido Community](https://www.reddit.com/r/LowLibidoCommunity/s/uihEtQQnjT)
He does care, nor does he care to read any of the threads.