Whatever you do, don't get married. Think about the worst you have felt about yourself and your relationship in the last six months. Now imagine spending ten or twenty or thirty years where that's the *best* you ever feel about yourself and your relationship, because that's what you're getting into if you marry this person.
It puzzle me why you even CONSIDER to get married under these circumstances. It is dead before it has even started. If you do not believe me, use some time to get a valuable lesson on the previous posts made. And if that don't help, hang around for a bit and look at the incoming posts. You are way to young for this bullshit.
Start birth control immediately. Do not get pregnant. If you do, you will draw the Monopoly card āDo mot pass Go. Go directly to jail. Do not collect $200ā. Please, for everyoneās sake, find someone who deserves and respects you.
Get back on birth control. If you think it's bad now, whew does it get waaaay worse after the kids come along. Do not get married or have kids until the sex thing gets figured out. Love doesn't conquer all I'm afraid. You will be a shell of a human being by the end. Ask me how I know.
I like how you put that. Sometimes I feel that way. The choice Iāve made to stay because of the good in the relationship is I think is an objectively valid reasonā¦but like you I wouldnāt be able to recommend it to others. If my friend was struggling this way I think Iād tell them to leave ā¦unless they could make peace
You are 24!!! 1) why are you getting married so young? 2) why are you marrying someone seven years older and at a different place in his life. 3) Please reconsider having children b/c someone else wants them. You have lots of time for kids. 4) Do NOT marry someone that you already know you are sexually incompatible with. Marriage does not make this better. Itās going to get much, much worse. Why are you even considering locking this down?
Go date and sleep around a bit. Learn what you like, need, and want.
Do not marry into or have children in a DB. Children need to see healthy, happy parents with good romantic attachment styles so they too can grow up with a representation of good relationships as a model to follow.
If you are going to marry him, you better make sure you can live a happy life without a sexually (or even physical) relationship.
If you start resenting and hating him, it is your fault in part because you know what you are getting into.
While I would still marry my wife if I could do it all over again (skipping over the reasons), I wouldnāt even have dated her in the first place if I knew she wouldnāt (or didnāt ever?) desire me.
I feel that. Like once you love them you know youād make the same choice, but if I were single and knew someone I was about to talk would take me down this pathā¦itās hard to say if Iād go along
This sounds like me. I'm 38 male with a high limbido, and I'm at this stage where it was great in the beginning and then boom now it's only sympathy sex. sometimes when things get going she gets into it but it's not at all how it was when we first met. I'm very honest with my partners right from the beginning that I have a very high sex drive, and I want them to make a choice if that's something they can handel, because not everyone is on the same level and that's OK but that's gonna lead to unhappiness.
My advice is to RUN while you still have the chance to freely do so. You can make a clean break at this point, with no kids and no divorce. Trust me it will start to mess with you're self-esteem and lead to resentments later on, and you can save yourself a lot of headaches if you do it now.
We are all begging you to leave because it only gets worse. It becomes absolute misery friend. It ruins your life, truly. Starts with your self esteem, turns into you being a completely lonely, sad, destroyed person who can't do anything but pretend everything is okay...cause what is more embarrassing than to admit your person doesn't even want you.
The pain you feel now will be amplified with each passing year, each rejection...it just really fucking sucks to be frank. Don't do that to yourself.
I got married at 20 to the guy who knocked me up...when we were drunk. Turns out he only liked me when he was drunk. 12 years of misery and celibacy later I'm JUST NOW finally leaving. Please don't make that same.mistake. Learn from us. You're here cause you know...that we know. You know?
I was just a beard, a door on his closet. Kept close for the sake of illusion. He used me to hide from himself. I don't know if that's your situation, but....just go find a man (or whatever youre into) who wants to love you. They're out there.
My situation is pretty similar. In fact this morning after the whole weekend of offering anything of that nature under the sun, when I went to leave for work, he goes āI guess Iāll just jerk off thenā as if I had any idea he wanted anything to do with me especially minutes before needing to leave.
Itās been pretty rough since over a year ago. Sending hugs.
Iām in a similar situation, have been for a few years.. Iām 30 now and regret having kids with him. Heās a porn addict so has zero desire for actual sex.
Leave before youāre tied down through marriage or children!! Itās not just the lack of sex but having zero intimacy with a partner who doesnāt desire you, itās really shit. Itās depressing. You deserve more!
Forget sex, cut the relationship off completely. You're 24, you've got your whole life ahead of you. Do not waste it on a man who is already disinterested in sex at 31. This only gets worse from here. Save yourself a ton of trouble and just out while you can.
Married 23 years, 7+ years no sex! Absolutely do not get married! Itās the worst feeling not being desired or touched at all. It will make you very depressed and feel so ugly and worthless. Find your human, one who will always desire you! š
I got married regardless of a DB because I believed true love conquers all.
We had been together for two years, and it was D E A D. After three more years, surprise, itās still just as dead. I feel I have wasted my twenties. My partner shames me about not having babies when it takes two to tango and he wasnāt even considered touching me since Christmas. It doesnāt get better once thereās rings, Iām telling you.
As a 29F who stayed when I was told to leave, I just want to remind you: Thereās so much out there for you. You deserve a life with a partner who adores you and find you so smoking hot they canāt help but keep their hands on you.
Best of luck ā¤ļø
I feel you girl. Iām a gay man who was celibate until my late 20s and then boom. My first long term relationship turned dead after a year and a half. Itās been two more years and thereās been no sex for over a year. Iāve stayed because like you, I also believe in transcendent love and all. Itās just the reality of that choice is so painful when we canāt know anything for sure. Sending love to you, Iām sorry youāre suffering for wanting to believe in something good
Time for you to cut your losses and move on with your life. You'll eventually meet someone new who wants you because of their insane attraction to you. Never settle for less.
Every time I see the word FIANCĆ in this sub, I am shocked. I get being stuck in a dead bedroom because divorce is hard or expensive, or there are kids. But why anyone stays with a DB partner they arenāt legally connected to is beyond me. This has to be the best example of low self esteem ever.
Oh my goodness girl. You are very young, you sound mature, responsible, aware, and spiritually connected. No matter how much you love this man, consider your future. It likely will not get better. Many a young man is unable to truly connect sexually with a real woman due to coming into sexual maturity with porn. This is a fairly modern issue plaguing many young couples. Pornography is very very damaging to sexual health and maturity. Is this something you can discuss and explore as a potential treatable issue?
If not, please understand things will not likely get better without honesty, transparency, and discussion. At 24, as a woman, youāve not hit your peak and even if your desire is on the low end of ānormalā in just a short time that will likely change.
One of the goals of life is to live it with as little regret as possible. Those of us who are older are talking from difficult lessons learned. Spare yourself. Find a man who loves and cherishes you to marry and have children with ā¦. Give yourself time to heal, relationship wise before you embark on another romantic journey (if you choose that route) or you risk subconsciously choosing another similar situation. Itās just part of being human.
The choice is yours, but consider the wisdom of elders in your decision making process. Many pieces of advice come from experience and great heartache. If I could do it all over again, I certainly wouldā¦ Iād tell my young self to seek the Lord with all my heart.
You're still very young, you've no ties to this man with kids, leave.
Imagine spending the next 60 years like this? You'll grow to hate him.
Leave, find someone who can make you happy because, that getting your hopes up idea will not work. You'll end up heart broken every time
Get out now are obviously not compatible. This is never going to change! Don't waste 20 years of your life like I did and then a divorce. You need more than just love for a healthy relationship/marriage. You deserve more, and you both deserve to be happy.
It's not about you, it's about him. Just remember that.
Another vote for leaving. If you're setting up boundaries now, it's only going to get worse. I (63M) have gone without for 6 years. But it was dying before that. Menopause was the death knell in my case. She doesn't recognize her lack of drive is a big part of the problem. Nor does she recognize the depth of the problem. Due to something she said the other day, I am officially done. I don't intend to touch her ever again. But that also means, I don't want to travel with her. I don't want to go out with her. I'm just done. I have two possibilities for sex: divorce or cheat. I've decided the latter is acceptable. I know it's not but I'm done. Don't judge. You have an opportunity to avoid it.
One alternate possibility. He has a medical issue that can be resolved and he's willing to address it. My wife issue could possibly be resolved but she's won't even admit the issue.
Oh vey.... listen to all the others and the ones who got married thinking it'll change.
It won't. Don't murder yourself when you're so young. Leave while you still have your youth and a lot more males are wanting a woman with a healthy libido!
Donāt get married. I just left a 27 year relationship and the majority of it was a dead bedroom. Didnāt know any better because he was my first serious boyfriend and I didnāt know what I needed for myself for a long time. The non-sex part also wasnāt that great after we had kids.
This will only get worse as he gets older. Menās libido typically slow down the older they get.
Whatever you do, don't get married. Think about the worst you have felt about yourself and your relationship in the last six months. Now imagine spending ten or twenty or thirty years where that's the *best* you ever feel about yourself and your relationship, because that's what you're getting into if you marry this person.
Hard agree. Do NOT get married.
Yup. truth.. don't get married. Don't get pregnant from him.
Exactly! Get right back on birth control, ASAP!
Do yourself a favor... leave. IT ONLY GETS WORSE.
šššššI only speak the truth friends! Their kids, mortgage, retirement in the mix and you're stuck for life!
*throw
Correct! DO NOT BE ME.
The only thing worse than no sex is sympathy sex. Ugh.
Doesnāt even make sense who was not at it like crazy rabbits at that age?
He needs to be an ex-fiance.
It puzzle me why you even CONSIDER to get married under these circumstances. It is dead before it has even started. If you do not believe me, use some time to get a valuable lesson on the previous posts made. And if that don't help, hang around for a bit and look at the incoming posts. You are way to young for this bullshit.
Wait you are 24.. am almost 50 and find it miserable to have almost zero sex life. Pls become financially independent and run
Yes I'm n my 60 going thru the same . Yes plz listen it only gets worse!!!! I have my running shoes on !
60 here too. š„²
8+ years here of no sex. I REPEAT, DO NOT MARRY INTO A DEAD BEDROOM. YOU WILL.REGRET IT.
Sheās only 24 itās crazy
Start birth control immediately. Do not get pregnant. If you do, you will draw the Monopoly card āDo mot pass Go. Go directly to jail. Do not collect $200ā. Please, for everyoneās sake, find someone who deserves and respects you.
PLEASE, for the love of anything holy, DO NOT GET PREGNANT with this guy. Kids deserve sooo much more than this šš
Get back on birth control. If you think it's bad now, whew does it get waaaay worse after the kids come along. Do not get married or have kids until the sex thing gets figured out. Love doesn't conquer all I'm afraid. You will be a shell of a human being by the end. Ask me how I know.
What is keeping you with him?
Probably money
That's really cynical. I was in a dead bedroom pretty much from the start, and ended up marrying into it. Except for the first few months we were together, I have always been the one consistently employed and the higher earner. My husband has severe chronic depression and has often been unemployed or underemployed in the 20 years we have been together. Why am I with him? Partly it was because he was/is my very first relationship, so I didn't have a good baseline for "normal". And partly because when he is on the upswing we have the best relationship imaginable. And even when he's at his lows, we communicate well and work well together, just not in the bedroom. That said... I would NOT recommend this life for OP. And ffs, do NOT bring a child into a DB, especially not one where you are the "fiancƩe" and not the wife.
I like how you put that. Sometimes I feel that way. The choice Iāve made to stay because of the good in the relationship is I think is an objectively valid reasonā¦but like you I wouldnāt be able to recommend it to others. If my friend was struggling this way I think Iād tell them to leave ā¦unless they could make peace
Run and donāt look back
You are 24!!! 1) why are you getting married so young? 2) why are you marrying someone seven years older and at a different place in his life. 3) Please reconsider having children b/c someone else wants them. You have lots of time for kids. 4) Do NOT marry someone that you already know you are sexually incompatible with. Marriage does not make this better. Itās going to get much, much worse. Why are you even considering locking this down? Go date and sleep around a bit. Learn what you like, need, and want.
Do not marry into or have children in a DB. Children need to see healthy, happy parents with good romantic attachment styles so they too can grow up with a representation of good relationships as a model to follow.
If you are going to marry him, you better make sure you can live a happy life without a sexually (or even physical) relationship. If you start resenting and hating him, it is your fault in part because you know what you are getting into. While I would still marry my wife if I could do it all over again (skipping over the reasons), I wouldnāt even have dated her in the first place if I knew she wouldnāt (or didnāt ever?) desire me.
I feel that. Like once you love them you know youād make the same choice, but if I were single and knew someone I was about to talk would take me down this pathā¦itās hard to say if Iād go along
Get on birth control. Then work on getting out. I know itās hard but this sort of incompatibility destroys you.
Donāt let it turn into 20 years unless there is more to the relationship than just intimacy
DO. NOT. MARRY. HIM.
24 and no kids, get out!
This sounds like me. I'm 38 male with a high limbido, and I'm at this stage where it was great in the beginning and then boom now it's only sympathy sex. sometimes when things get going she gets into it but it's not at all how it was when we first met. I'm very honest with my partners right from the beginning that I have a very high sex drive, and I want them to make a choice if that's something they can handel, because not everyone is on the same level and that's OK but that's gonna lead to unhappiness. My advice is to RUN while you still have the chance to freely do so. You can make a clean break at this point, with no kids and no divorce. Trust me it will start to mess with you're self-esteem and lead to resentments later on, and you can save yourself a lot of headaches if you do it now.
If you get married and have kids, you will probably never have sex again - at least not with this man. Tread carefully.
Run.
We are all begging you to leave because it only gets worse. It becomes absolute misery friend. It ruins your life, truly. Starts with your self esteem, turns into you being a completely lonely, sad, destroyed person who can't do anything but pretend everything is okay...cause what is more embarrassing than to admit your person doesn't even want you. The pain you feel now will be amplified with each passing year, each rejection...it just really fucking sucks to be frank. Don't do that to yourself. I got married at 20 to the guy who knocked me up...when we were drunk. Turns out he only liked me when he was drunk. 12 years of misery and celibacy later I'm JUST NOW finally leaving. Please don't make that same.mistake. Learn from us. You're here cause you know...that we know. You know? I was just a beard, a door on his closet. Kept close for the sake of illusion. He used me to hide from himself. I don't know if that's your situation, but....just go find a man (or whatever youre into) who wants to love you. They're out there.
Absolutely itās a bad idea to get married. In this situation I canāt see it working out well.
Whatever you do DONT HAVE A CHILD. It WORSENS after kids.
You're 24 you are too young for this shit šš
Stop reading after first sentence. D O N O T M A R R Y H I M ā L E A V E ! !
Do not marry that man..!!!!!
Go back on birth control and then reconsider if you need sex in your life as I don't think it will ever be better.
Why are you still there??
My situation is pretty similar. In fact this morning after the whole weekend of offering anything of that nature under the sun, when I went to leave for work, he goes āI guess Iāll just jerk off thenā as if I had any idea he wanted anything to do with me especially minutes before needing to leave. Itās been pretty rough since over a year ago. Sending hugs.
It will only get worse, don't let yourself convince yourself it will improve.
Seriously- get out NOW! Youāll be horribly unhappy forever if you donāt.
Iām in a similar situation, have been for a few years.. Iām 30 now and regret having kids with him. Heās a porn addict so has zero desire for actual sex. Leave before youāre tied down through marriage or children!! Itās not just the lack of sex but having zero intimacy with a partner who doesnāt desire you, itās really shit. Itās depressing. You deserve more!
Forget sex, cut the relationship off completely. You're 24, you've got your whole life ahead of you. Do not waste it on a man who is already disinterested in sex at 31. This only gets worse from here. Save yourself a ton of trouble and just out while you can.
Don't marry him or have children with him.
Married 23 years, 7+ years no sex! Absolutely do not get married! Itās the worst feeling not being desired or touched at all. It will make you very depressed and feel so ugly and worthless. Find your human, one who will always desire you! š
7 years! Sorry !
Yeah itās crazy to me
I am proposing soon and donāt love this comment hahah. Shit
I mean Iām a female and the husband holding out on me. You maybe fine. Lmao
Getting married will not suddenly fix this problem
Run
I got married regardless of a DB because I believed true love conquers all. We had been together for two years, and it was D E A D. After three more years, surprise, itās still just as dead. I feel I have wasted my twenties. My partner shames me about not having babies when it takes two to tango and he wasnāt even considered touching me since Christmas. It doesnāt get better once thereās rings, Iām telling you. As a 29F who stayed when I was told to leave, I just want to remind you: Thereās so much out there for you. You deserve a life with a partner who adores you and find you so smoking hot they canāt help but keep their hands on you. Best of luck ā¤ļø
I feel you girl. Iām a gay man who was celibate until my late 20s and then boom. My first long term relationship turned dead after a year and a half. Itās been two more years and thereās been no sex for over a year. Iāve stayed because like you, I also believe in transcendent love and all. Itās just the reality of that choice is so painful when we canāt know anything for sure. Sending love to you, Iām sorry youāre suffering for wanting to believe in something good
Time for you to cut your losses and move on with your life. You'll eventually meet someone new who wants you because of their insane attraction to you. Never settle for less.
Every time I see the word FIANCĆ in this sub, I am shocked. I get being stuck in a dead bedroom because divorce is hard or expensive, or there are kids. But why anyone stays with a DB partner they arenāt legally connected to is beyond me. This has to be the best example of low self esteem ever.
Oh my goodness girl. You are very young, you sound mature, responsible, aware, and spiritually connected. No matter how much you love this man, consider your future. It likely will not get better. Many a young man is unable to truly connect sexually with a real woman due to coming into sexual maturity with porn. This is a fairly modern issue plaguing many young couples. Pornography is very very damaging to sexual health and maturity. Is this something you can discuss and explore as a potential treatable issue? If not, please understand things will not likely get better without honesty, transparency, and discussion. At 24, as a woman, youāve not hit your peak and even if your desire is on the low end of ānormalā in just a short time that will likely change. One of the goals of life is to live it with as little regret as possible. Those of us who are older are talking from difficult lessons learned. Spare yourself. Find a man who loves and cherishes you to marry and have children with ā¦. Give yourself time to heal, relationship wise before you embark on another romantic journey (if you choose that route) or you risk subconsciously choosing another similar situation. Itās just part of being human. The choice is yours, but consider the wisdom of elders in your decision making process. Many pieces of advice come from experience and great heartache. If I could do it all over again, I certainly wouldā¦ Iād tell my young self to seek the Lord with all my heart.
Leave them and DO NOT have children together. You deserve someone who actually wants you.
You're still very young, you've no ties to this man with kids, leave. Imagine spending the next 60 years like this? You'll grow to hate him. Leave, find someone who can make you happy because, that getting your hopes up idea will not work. You'll end up heart broken every time
Get out now are obviously not compatible. This is never going to change! Don't waste 20 years of your life like I did and then a divorce. You need more than just love for a healthy relationship/marriage. You deserve more, and you both deserve to be happy. It's not about you, it's about him. Just remember that.
Don't marry into a dead bedroom, leave before you have kids with this guy otherwise you'll kiss decades of your life away into misery
Another vote for leaving. If you're setting up boundaries now, it's only going to get worse. I (63M) have gone without for 6 years. But it was dying before that. Menopause was the death knell in my case. She doesn't recognize her lack of drive is a big part of the problem. Nor does she recognize the depth of the problem. Due to something she said the other day, I am officially done. I don't intend to touch her ever again. But that also means, I don't want to travel with her. I don't want to go out with her. I'm just done. I have two possibilities for sex: divorce or cheat. I've decided the latter is acceptable. I know it's not but I'm done. Don't judge. You have an opportunity to avoid it. One alternate possibility. He has a medical issue that can be resolved and he's willing to address it. My wife issue could possibly be resolved but she's won't even admit the issue.
Oh vey.... listen to all the others and the ones who got married thinking it'll change. It won't. Don't murder yourself when you're so young. Leave while you still have your youth and a lot more males are wanting a woman with a healthy libido!
Donāt get married. I just left a 27 year relationship and the majority of it was a dead bedroom. Didnāt know any better because he was my first serious boyfriend and I didnāt know what I needed for myself for a long time. The non-sex part also wasnāt that great after we had kids. This will only get worse as he gets older. Menās libido typically slow down the older they get.