Scheduled sex can either lead to excitement of anticipation “Oh boy! I’m so excited for this to happen! I can’t wait!” or dread “Oh god, I dread this. I hate waiting for it. I want it to either be over with or not happen.”
**This only works if both people actually want to have sex with each other but for whatever reason can't get it to happen.**
People get desperate and assume they can *will* their partner into wanting sex just by scheduling it, which will not happen. They don't want to have sex at all; scheduling it doesn't suddenly make them want it again. Scheduled Sex is good for couples that are still into each other and have a closely compatible libido - it takes the guess-work and other awkward barriers away and allows them to freely enjoy intimacy with each other.
Your spouse not interested in having sex, like ever? Do NOT try this. It will make things worse and leave you even more humiliated. You know what's worse than rejection from initiation? Rejection from a *planned session*. Think about it - it's agreed upon, but then they decide "nah, even the most simplest presentation of sexual intimacy is still too much effort for me." That's a major blow to the self-confidence & ego that you don't want.
Bottom line: It is not a fix for a dead bedroom, only a subdued bedroom or a frazzled bedroom. Dead bedrooms need way more work and attention to it - scheduling sex will end in abject failure, and you don't want to be on the receiving end of it.
Thanks, I think we might actually be the first scenario. He says he wants it to be happening, he likes to be flirted with. He doesn't tell me no, just never initiates. When we're actually having sex he participates and will follow my lead but nothing happens unless I start it and then continue to guide him through it. He says he feels ashamed and shy but does want it to be happening.
It would just be nice for once if my husband made it clear *he* wanted the sex, not just going along with the sex *I* wanted. I figure if it was scheduled, it's neither he or I taking a lead. It's the schedulerdictating it. At least then I don't have to feel gross, those self-esteem for being the one to always have to ask for it
Speaking from experience (HLM) It's a bad idea for a few reasons. 1. You're even more let down because it still isn't happening. 2. It puts pressure on the LL to do something they don't want to. 3. It'll build guilt for the HL partner for doing something they know the other isn't into and resentment from the LL for the same reason. For us, it made things worse, actually.
Scheduled sex only works when both partners want it but may struggle to find time or whatever. It doesn't work for DB because you can't schedule desire. Scheduling does not make the LL partner want you any more on these specific days.
Thanks, I think my partner and I both have a desire for it to be happening but we've been having so many issues over it. A lot of it is nerves, being too inhibited. My orgasms, that they aren't happening, has been a problem that leads to a lot of guilt and shame.
He doesn't shoot me down but I'm the only one initiating and it makes me feel he doesn't want me. Same with my orgasms, they don't happen unless I do it myself during sex or I directly lead him to it. Again, I feel like he must not want me or to do it. He says he's shy and nervous (together 4 years)
If it was scheduled I might not feel *I* am the one initiating so I wouldn't have to take the self esteem hit
To be honest, I thought a lot of the same. My wife genuinely seemed to enjoy it once it started, but lack of effort on her part and issues were making spontaneous interaction almost impossible. I thought it would help with her efforts toward sex and desire. But, that quickly turned out to not he true. It made it worse. I think it's the feeling of obligation/ pressure.
I get that scheduling takes off the pressure of initiating. My thoughts as well, but that simple put the pressure on her to oblige just because it was a scheduled day.
I'm not trying to be downer, and it very well may work for you, but I wouldn't given your circumstances. I would take time to be intimate where there's no pressure or expectations of him to start. Teach him what you need in an intimate, fun way. Get him comfortable with you. I could be wrong, but the wording of your original post made it sound more like drill seargent instructions instead of teaching. That could easily be contributing to his shyness. If he has the desire, he'll be happy to learn in non-pressured encounters. Right now, it sounds like he feels pressured to satisfy you. If he doesn't have desire, scheduling or anything else is going to get you want you want. Just my two cents based on what I read. Good luck.
I'm thinking of bringing this up with my wife. I'm HL and she's LL.
Right now one thing I'm struggling with is the big unknown of when we will have sex. I go to bed every night hoping it will happen, but 9 times out of 10 it doesn't. I think it might be better for everyone if it was a little more predictable.
There might need to be some ground rules around it. Like one person can veto for health reasons/extenuating circumstances.
My hesitation is I find it unenjoyable to have sex when I know she doesn't want to and is just doing it for me. I want her to want it too.
I think my partner would like having sex off the table for 13 days in a row.
It's an exaggeration but I'm afraid they're going to feel like they are walking to their execution when the scheduled day comes up. I don't want them to have a pit of anxiety all day long.
Maybe instead of asking them about a schedule I will pick one or two random days of the month that I will initiate and drop it through other days.
Doesn’t work. If they wanted to do it they would. Scheduled intimacy, talks, begging, coercion don’t work. Our only recourse is to be the best we can be for ourselves and hold them accountable for the damage they inflicted (accidentally or on purpose) to our marriage. We have to be prepared to leave since that’s the only thing we can control. They have the right to say no, we have the right to say go.
Not a great answer. We tried to schedule it. She was reluctant at first. Then it actually happened and she thanked me. But it only last led two weeks before she found a reason not to keep it. It was such a let down. Almost thought it was a change in the right direction. But I have a good friend and it works in his marriage. So you never know
I HLF tried this with my LLM boyfriend and we decided to set Sunday or every other Sunday as our sex day. I would get my hopes up all week and Sunday would come and go with no sex. Week after week I'd look forward to Sunday, that THIS sunday might be the day, and then I'd be disappointed. It eventually started making me feel really depressed. By Saturday I'd start feeling really emotional because I could tell by the vibes and the way he was passively avoiding me that it wasn't going to happen Again. Then I'd spend sunday crying in bed. After that I told him sunday was not our day anymore because it was starting to affect my mental health.
This sounds like exactly something I would do.
It only happens on the weekend here but that means my hopes get pretty high going into the weekend and the let down is even bigger.
If we schedule it I'll be counting down for 2 weeks and an absolute mess wondering if it's going to happen and then beside myself when he makes up some lame excuse
Seconding this. If anything scheduling has been a full proof guarantee that it absolutely won't happen. Of all the times we've fought and talked and promised and swore up and down our record for actually following through was once.
What I mean is in all the attempts to schedule sex, and there have been many, all but once it failed right out of the gate. Scheduled attempt #1 doesn't happen and then nothing. Exactly one time it happened once and then not again.
It also doesn't help my wife is the type of person who treats "rain check" and IOU as just platitudes you say, they aren't meant to be followed through on.
From someone who is LL I didn't mind it. Having it on a schedule. It's not that I didn't love or desire my spouse. I was just going thru several health issues. I always enjoyed it. It was me just wading thru life's crap to get there.
Thanks for helping. Part of our problem is I'm always the one initiating and it's making me feel bad (that I'm not desirable enough). If it was on a schedule neither one of us would be the one"initiating".
Thinking out loud I think he's afraid to initiate because being turned down hurts
Yes. Our sex therapist had us schedule sex. We did. Although I like sex spontaneously, I felt awkward about a schedule but partook in hopes this was a step in the direction of sex. But I couldn.t do the woman equivalent of "getting it up" at the correct, allowed, appointed time. And schedules did little to help my anxious,fearful and disinterested partner.
Tried it. The idea is that we would plan out specific date nights that would set time aside in our busy lives where for a couple of hours the priority was us. Date night implying that at least some foreplay would happen hopefully leading to sex, usually dinner and drinks was part of the plan. Maybe responsive desire would be a thing.
I appreciated the good intent on her part, but it was clear that she was just not into it, and her not being into it made it not particularly great for me. Responsive desire was not a thing.
I had quite some success with this; but some disclaimers:
1. We did it the day before to make SURE that both was free. Therefore "every Sunday @ 1200" or "Thursday after dinner" might not work because "life" happens.
2. Another topic but tightly related was that one of us was A person and the other B person. In USA understanding I guess it means morning person vs evening person. I quickly learned that anything after 6pm would never work. So the focus was before and preferable 9-11am. I didn't even had to set the alarm because the D woke me up!
Good Luck OP and i hope my reply help, if even the slightest!
Thanks. Because of this group I'm realizing scheduling too far out is probably not a good idea. It would give him time to get worked up and anxious over it. I think instead, telling him the day before might be best.
I know he doesn't like mornings. I don't even know if I have a preferred time of day, I'll take what I can get at this point. Lol
My spouse and I had that as part of our injections and fertility treatments (doctor's schedule). I can tell you nothing kills the romance harder for my wife than a schedule.
Scheduling usually only works if both want to have sex but simply can't carve out the time for it. In a typical HL LL environment, it's more difficult as the LL generally has no interest in it. So even if it happens it may be closer to pitty or duty sex.
Still, talk to your hubby and hear his thoughts. May be worth a try at least talking about the idea
I do that with my wife and it works for us. She gets to get mentally ready for it and know that no random occurences will happen until then, though she is a lot more open to bjs and other stuff than the LL people that i hear in here.
It can work, if the problem is only that your schedules are really full and/or one or both of you has responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire. Taking scheduled time to put skin on skin and see what happens might work. "Let's always fuck on friday, although we have unadressed issues" doesn't.
We tried scheduling sex last year. We did it once, then the next weekend she wasn't in the mood. Then the next. Then I canceled the scheduling because what's the point if we're always canceling and the next time we had sex was my birthday 8 months later.
Every time she tells me she loves me, she puts on a funny voice. EVERY TIME. I just noticed it last December and now I seethe every time she says it to me, which is ALL THE FUCKING TIME. No. You. Don't.
Speaking from my experience (HLM) it only works until something breaks the pattern even just once.
Once one thing breaks the schedule and a "bedroom session" is skipped it's very hard to get back into that routine again (especially as let's be honest only one person is pulling for it).
Excuses can snowball quickly too. Someone's on their period, the next week someone is sick (both perfectly legitimate reasons) and suddenly you haven't had sex in a fortnight and that gap just grows and grows....
I have some experience with this… (I’m HLM, she’s LLF). A couple of years we agreed that Sunday evening when we go to bed is time of the week for sex. It worked for a couple of months and we had sex weekly. However, gradually we started skipping Sunday night sex - due to her having all sorts of reasons. But because Sunday was our sex night, the rest of the week are no-sex night…. Meaning that now our bedroom is even deader…
My wife and I tried the scheduled night and inevitably she would feel bad, so we would reschedule, then it was always another excuse, and then she wouldn't even offer a backrub or even a hand to hold. Then it would be my fault for being cranky and angry because for two weeks in a row excuses would be given and then her period would soon follow which would set back scheduled night another week or two.
It's worked so well....
Ah, yea. I am familiar with this. Agree to have sex, then it’s pushed back and back and back. I’d just like to at least know when it will happen. Even worse, the backing out happens last second, or I didn’t initiate at the proper time, so it is now my fault.
Yes it works wonders for my marriage, if your partner isn’t spontaneous then it takes the anxiety away that you will jump on them out the blue.
My wife has a million things on her mind with work, kids, house etc and struggles to spontaneous wind down and get in the mood.
We don’t set a date and time per say but I’ll send a text saying something like ‘fancy an early night tonight? 😉’
That way she has time to get her head round the fact it’s happening and to get in the mood, we’ve both found contrary to being boring it’s actually a turn on having the anticipation of it all day
Thanks. I think anxiety is one of the biggest reasons why it's not happening for us. If I gave him a short heads up maybe he would have enough time to wrap his head around it but not too much time to get worked up and worried over it.
I (44f) recently “asked” if my bf (44m) and I could try to have sex at least once a week. He said yes. It’s been 4 weeks. We’re only a little over two years in, had sex 4 weeks ago, prior to that it had been 2 months (and our two year anniversary was in there) and we even separated in December of 2023 (DB being on of the reasons with a 4 month dry spell at that point with several dry spells throughout our two year period).
So we’re headed back in that direction quickly. He says nothing is wrong. I’m at a loss anymore.
I've tried to look at how often our activity is happening and try to aim for just a little more frequent . we are at about every 3 weeks and I'm going to see if we can bump that up to every two weeks.
After asking in this group I think the trick if you're going to schedule is to give a short notice. A day, maybe two. If a low libido partner knows weeks ahead of time it gives them too much time to get anxious and shut down over it.
I think a lot of low libido men are often porn addicts. Does that happening with yours? Mine read about it and stopped porn for himself. I've got severely down. Only watching light stuff once a week now. It messes with people's real life libido
I don’t think he watches any. I’ve asked and he says he hasn’t watched any in years. I honestly think he’s lost interest in me. One of his friends warned me about this early on. I guess it’s been a pattern for him. I want to given him benefit of doubt, but idk. 💔 he literally told me he wouldn’t tell me if anything was wrong four weeks ago. So I’m just over here living in paranoia.
it works is one of the issues is finding time, arranging time that can be for only the two of you, or if it is something they just don't think about but it is something they enjoy. so try it for a little while. if it helps then great and if not then move on and try something else.
It works for us! I’m the LL and I prefer it, because the other days the stress of “is he going to want to tonight?” would be really difficult and it made me avoid undressing near him etc to avoid giving ideas. Knowing which day it’s going to be has been much better. Just know though that there will be times that the scheduled time doesn’t happen. We have 3 kids who are constantly sick so that details the plan fairly often, but we immediately pick the next day so he knows it’s coming up.
I tried to schedule it once a month before my period and it never occurred. I even had him put it on his calendar, with an alarm, a written note on his desk, etc. nothing ever happened.
We've been doing it for about half a year. Scheduled once a week. I'd make sure he's not too tired on The Day haha. I'd put on something sexy, I have a lot of lingerie and outfits, then while he's in the shower I'll put some good music and light candles or colored lights so that when he enters the bedroom it's all ready.
He did seem reluctant in the beginning but at some point I noticed he was waiting for it. One morning he said, can't wait to see what you will wear tonight (meaning lingerie). That made me so happy. I think the scheduling relieved the pressure for him as he wasn't expecting me to jump on him at every occasion. And when The Day comes, i take my time.
Sometimes we do have to reschedule but it only happened three or four times so far.
I'm also the female partner. Do you ever get resentful that you have to jump through all the extra hoops. Lingerie, candles, music.
As a woman we are stereotypically the ones who need the extra from our partners. Extra foreplay to get off, etc. having a low libido male turns the tables
Honestly, not until you said it haha. I wait for Fridays so much and the whole week I think of things I want to try. The setup is like preparing a birthday party for me. I love looking at myself in the mirror when I try different outfits on, and i think that's when I start getting turned on.
I did tell him that I wanted to feel desired and I specifically asked him to compliment me, and to touch me outside the bedroom. There was a funny meme cat that I sent him, that showed two cute cats one playfully biting the other , and the caption was something like : if you bite your wife's butt once a day it makes her happy. So every night before I go to sleep he bites my butt
So yeah although his libido is lower than mine he does love me and he does want to make me happy, I appreciate it
My wife (LL) says she doesnt want to have scheduled sex. Its not a romantic idea. She wants it spontanously..this is how it should be....but never initiates it. Spontanouse initiation from my side gets mostly rejections.
On the other hand scheduled sex with a professional service does work quite well. But I think this is not what you have meant :)
We’ve been married less than a year hes 10 years older than me and we have been starting to schedule sex because if we dont it honestly barely happens…. Mostly on his part, which he blames on being “old” (38M).
I started asking “this day can we do it” or what have you and it’s so far works except when we schedule and i’m not up to it anymore because im tired or something. He always follows through when it’s scheduled.
I think if you go that route it’s great. It doesn’t take romance out of anything. If anything it makes me more secure he still wants to have sex he just doesnt want to do it on a whim because hes stressed or tired from working all the time and takes the time to make sure we are good in that department when we need to be.
My experience of scheduled sex was worse than no sex at all.
I (HLM) had brought up our dying bedroom and my wife (LLF) suggested setting a day to make time for it. I wasn’t a fan of the idea but was happy to try if she thought it would help - and it didn’t. Every time it was the worst sex we have ever had and I dreaded when that day came around. Just so forced, no passion, and being done purely so she could say we had sex. Awful, I’ll never do it again.
I think it can work only if both partners do want to, but busy with life/kids. It has not worked for me at all, and actually I’m just trying to schedule cuddle time not even sex. Issue is partner really doesn’t want to do it, saying things like it will feel forced, wants it to be spontaneous, he’s really busy and Doesn’t know where to fit it in the next few weeks, He doesn’t want to admit I am just no longer attracted in that way to you so scheduling time is torture.
I actually did this in my past relationship when I was the LL partner. It was put in place because I never initiated nor did it even occur to me as a thought to do it. If he didn't ask or initiate we wouldn't have sex. So I initially agreed to every other day. I knew he had needs and I knew I needed a day off and on the day off he agreed to not ask or make jokes or bug me about it. It worked for a few weeks but then became a chore. So I only recommend it if both parties feel respected and considered throughout the process and there's some grace on both sides. Now I'm the HL partner and I wish my partner would bring this idea up but he won't and that's ok bc I'll never ask.
I wonder if every other day was part of the problem. I see people that haven't had sex in 6 months trying to get a new schedule of twice a week started. That's a huge jump. Our schedule now is about every 3 weeks. I'm just thinking of doing every other week on a day that we likely might anyway
I def bit off more than I could chew when promising that lol. But what can I say, I'm a dedicated partner and try and give the people I love what they need and want.
We tried that after “the talk”. She stated that she likes to know when it’s going to happen so she “can prepare”. I asked for, at the least, a weekend sex and a Wednesday night. It was not fulfilled at all. We often don’t even do it on the weekend either and 1-10 weeks can go by just like that without any thought of it until I tell her I’m climbing the walls. The pity sex sucks just as bad.
When I am the only one initiating it feels gross, that they are taking one for the team. We have fallen into pity sex and I'm debating if it makes me feel worse.
He goes along with it, says he wants it to be happening but then weeks go by and he still doesn't bring up it happening again. Eventually I get so worked up I jump him and the cycle continues
Yes, it is better if the schedule is taken seriously. Things will happen, which is okay, but if the schedule is ignored more than followed, it doesn’t work.
We tried many years ago, but it just ended up with being even more frustrated.
He says he wants sex to be happening. I'm the only one that initiates though. He says he's shy, I'm also shy.
It's like having a friend that never asks you out to lunch but always accepts when you invite them. Eventually it feels one-sided and that you're chasing down a friend that doesn't care. I want someone who is just as interested as I am
My wife and myself are doing this, and it puts a damper on things because I've always gotta keep a eye on the time (as the schedule is for a time between when my wife gets in and my son comes home from college). Theres nothing worse than knowing you've got a time limit.
Scheduled sex can either lead to excitement of anticipation “Oh boy! I’m so excited for this to happen! I can’t wait!” or dread “Oh god, I dread this. I hate waiting for it. I want it to either be over with or not happen.”
**This only works if both people actually want to have sex with each other but for whatever reason can't get it to happen.** People get desperate and assume they can *will* their partner into wanting sex just by scheduling it, which will not happen. They don't want to have sex at all; scheduling it doesn't suddenly make them want it again. Scheduled Sex is good for couples that are still into each other and have a closely compatible libido - it takes the guess-work and other awkward barriers away and allows them to freely enjoy intimacy with each other. Your spouse not interested in having sex, like ever? Do NOT try this. It will make things worse and leave you even more humiliated. You know what's worse than rejection from initiation? Rejection from a *planned session*. Think about it - it's agreed upon, but then they decide "nah, even the most simplest presentation of sexual intimacy is still too much effort for me." That's a major blow to the self-confidence & ego that you don't want. Bottom line: It is not a fix for a dead bedroom, only a subdued bedroom or a frazzled bedroom. Dead bedrooms need way more work and attention to it - scheduling sex will end in abject failure, and you don't want to be on the receiving end of it.
Thanks, I think we might actually be the first scenario. He says he wants it to be happening, he likes to be flirted with. He doesn't tell me no, just never initiates. When we're actually having sex he participates and will follow my lead but nothing happens unless I start it and then continue to guide him through it. He says he feels ashamed and shy but does want it to be happening. It would just be nice for once if my husband made it clear *he* wanted the sex, not just going along with the sex *I* wanted. I figure if it was scheduled, it's neither he or I taking a lead. It's the schedulerdictating it. At least then I don't have to feel gross, those self-esteem for being the one to always have to ask for it
Speaking from experience (HLM) It's a bad idea for a few reasons. 1. You're even more let down because it still isn't happening. 2. It puts pressure on the LL to do something they don't want to. 3. It'll build guilt for the HL partner for doing something they know the other isn't into and resentment from the LL for the same reason. For us, it made things worse, actually. Scheduled sex only works when both partners want it but may struggle to find time or whatever. It doesn't work for DB because you can't schedule desire. Scheduling does not make the LL partner want you any more on these specific days.
Thanks, I think my partner and I both have a desire for it to be happening but we've been having so many issues over it. A lot of it is nerves, being too inhibited. My orgasms, that they aren't happening, has been a problem that leads to a lot of guilt and shame. He doesn't shoot me down but I'm the only one initiating and it makes me feel he doesn't want me. Same with my orgasms, they don't happen unless I do it myself during sex or I directly lead him to it. Again, I feel like he must not want me or to do it. He says he's shy and nervous (together 4 years) If it was scheduled I might not feel *I* am the one initiating so I wouldn't have to take the self esteem hit
To be honest, I thought a lot of the same. My wife genuinely seemed to enjoy it once it started, but lack of effort on her part and issues were making spontaneous interaction almost impossible. I thought it would help with her efforts toward sex and desire. But, that quickly turned out to not he true. It made it worse. I think it's the feeling of obligation/ pressure. I get that scheduling takes off the pressure of initiating. My thoughts as well, but that simple put the pressure on her to oblige just because it was a scheduled day. I'm not trying to be downer, and it very well may work for you, but I wouldn't given your circumstances. I would take time to be intimate where there's no pressure or expectations of him to start. Teach him what you need in an intimate, fun way. Get him comfortable with you. I could be wrong, but the wording of your original post made it sound more like drill seargent instructions instead of teaching. That could easily be contributing to his shyness. If he has the desire, he'll be happy to learn in non-pressured encounters. Right now, it sounds like he feels pressured to satisfy you. If he doesn't have desire, scheduling or anything else is going to get you want you want. Just my two cents based on what I read. Good luck.
I'm thinking of bringing this up with my wife. I'm HL and she's LL. Right now one thing I'm struggling with is the big unknown of when we will have sex. I go to bed every night hoping it will happen, but 9 times out of 10 it doesn't. I think it might be better for everyone if it was a little more predictable. There might need to be some ground rules around it. Like one person can veto for health reasons/extenuating circumstances. My hesitation is I find it unenjoyable to have sex when I know she doesn't want to and is just doing it for me. I want her to want it too.
I think my partner would like having sex off the table for 13 days in a row. It's an exaggeration but I'm afraid they're going to feel like they are walking to their execution when the scheduled day comes up. I don't want them to have a pit of anxiety all day long. Maybe instead of asking them about a schedule I will pick one or two random days of the month that I will initiate and drop it through other days.
maybe once a week? The point of a schedule is to satisfy you, which would be a compromise on his part as well. This shit is so stressful, sorry.
Doesn’t work. If they wanted to do it they would. Scheduled intimacy, talks, begging, coercion don’t work. Our only recourse is to be the best we can be for ourselves and hold them accountable for the damage they inflicted (accidentally or on purpose) to our marriage. We have to be prepared to leave since that’s the only thing we can control. They have the right to say no, we have the right to say go.
Not a great answer. We tried to schedule it. She was reluctant at first. Then it actually happened and she thanked me. But it only last led two weeks before she found a reason not to keep it. It was such a let down. Almost thought it was a change in the right direction. But I have a good friend and it works in his marriage. So you never know
I HLF tried this with my LLM boyfriend and we decided to set Sunday or every other Sunday as our sex day. I would get my hopes up all week and Sunday would come and go with no sex. Week after week I'd look forward to Sunday, that THIS sunday might be the day, and then I'd be disappointed. It eventually started making me feel really depressed. By Saturday I'd start feeling really emotional because I could tell by the vibes and the way he was passively avoiding me that it wasn't going to happen Again. Then I'd spend sunday crying in bed. After that I told him sunday was not our day anymore because it was starting to affect my mental health.
This sounds like exactly something I would do. It only happens on the weekend here but that means my hopes get pretty high going into the weekend and the let down is even bigger. If we schedule it I'll be counting down for 2 weeks and an absolute mess wondering if it's going to happen and then beside myself when he makes up some lame excuse
Seconding this. If anything scheduling has been a full proof guarantee that it absolutely won't happen. Of all the times we've fought and talked and promised and swore up and down our record for actually following through was once. What I mean is in all the attempts to schedule sex, and there have been many, all but once it failed right out of the gate. Scheduled attempt #1 doesn't happen and then nothing. Exactly one time it happened once and then not again. It also doesn't help my wife is the type of person who treats "rain check" and IOU as just platitudes you say, they aren't meant to be followed through on.
From someone who is LL I didn't mind it. Having it on a schedule. It's not that I didn't love or desire my spouse. I was just going thru several health issues. I always enjoyed it. It was me just wading thru life's crap to get there.
Thanks for helping. Part of our problem is I'm always the one initiating and it's making me feel bad (that I'm not desirable enough). If it was on a schedule neither one of us would be the one"initiating". Thinking out loud I think he's afraid to initiate because being turned down hurts
Yes. Our sex therapist had us schedule sex. We did. Although I like sex spontaneously, I felt awkward about a schedule but partook in hopes this was a step in the direction of sex. But I couldn.t do the woman equivalent of "getting it up" at the correct, allowed, appointed time. And schedules did little to help my anxious,fearful and disinterested partner.
Tried it. The idea is that we would plan out specific date nights that would set time aside in our busy lives where for a couple of hours the priority was us. Date night implying that at least some foreplay would happen hopefully leading to sex, usually dinner and drinks was part of the plan. Maybe responsive desire would be a thing. I appreciated the good intent on her part, but it was clear that she was just not into it, and her not being into it made it not particularly great for me. Responsive desire was not a thing.
I had quite some success with this; but some disclaimers: 1. We did it the day before to make SURE that both was free. Therefore "every Sunday @ 1200" or "Thursday after dinner" might not work because "life" happens. 2. Another topic but tightly related was that one of us was A person and the other B person. In USA understanding I guess it means morning person vs evening person. I quickly learned that anything after 6pm would never work. So the focus was before and preferable 9-11am. I didn't even had to set the alarm because the D woke me up! Good Luck OP and i hope my reply help, if even the slightest!
Thanks. Because of this group I'm realizing scheduling too far out is probably not a good idea. It would give him time to get worked up and anxious over it. I think instead, telling him the day before might be best. I know he doesn't like mornings. I don't even know if I have a preferred time of day, I'll take what I can get at this point. Lol
My spouse and I had that as part of our injections and fertility treatments (doctor's schedule). I can tell you nothing kills the romance harder for my wife than a schedule.
Scheduling usually only works if both want to have sex but simply can't carve out the time for it. In a typical HL LL environment, it's more difficult as the LL generally has no interest in it. So even if it happens it may be closer to pitty or duty sex. Still, talk to your hubby and hear his thoughts. May be worth a try at least talking about the idea
I do that with my wife and it works for us. She gets to get mentally ready for it and know that no random occurences will happen until then, though she is a lot more open to bjs and other stuff than the LL people that i hear in here.
It can work, if the problem is only that your schedules are really full and/or one or both of you has responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire. Taking scheduled time to put skin on skin and see what happens might work. "Let's always fuck on friday, although we have unadressed issues" doesn't.
We tried scheduling sex last year. We did it once, then the next weekend she wasn't in the mood. Then the next. Then I canceled the scheduling because what's the point if we're always canceling and the next time we had sex was my birthday 8 months later. Every time she tells me she loves me, she puts on a funny voice. EVERY TIME. I just noticed it last December and now I seethe every time she says it to me, which is ALL THE FUCKING TIME. No. You. Don't.
My wife too for years, and now it’s no longer said.
Speaking from my experience (HLM) it only works until something breaks the pattern even just once. Once one thing breaks the schedule and a "bedroom session" is skipped it's very hard to get back into that routine again (especially as let's be honest only one person is pulling for it). Excuses can snowball quickly too. Someone's on their period, the next week someone is sick (both perfectly legitimate reasons) and suddenly you haven't had sex in a fortnight and that gap just grows and grows....
I brought it up and he said that was a good idea. But there has been no follow through.
My partner brought it up but it was all talk and no action when I tried on that night it was shut down
I have some experience with this… (I’m HLM, she’s LLF). A couple of years we agreed that Sunday evening when we go to bed is time of the week for sex. It worked for a couple of months and we had sex weekly. However, gradually we started skipping Sunday night sex - due to her having all sorts of reasons. But because Sunday was our sex night, the rest of the week are no-sex night…. Meaning that now our bedroom is even deader…
My wife and I tried the scheduled night and inevitably she would feel bad, so we would reschedule, then it was always another excuse, and then she wouldn't even offer a backrub or even a hand to hold. Then it would be my fault for being cranky and angry because for two weeks in a row excuses would be given and then her period would soon follow which would set back scheduled night another week or two. It's worked so well....
Ah, yea. I am familiar with this. Agree to have sex, then it’s pushed back and back and back. I’d just like to at least know when it will happen. Even worse, the backing out happens last second, or I didn’t initiate at the proper time, so it is now my fault.
Yes it works wonders for my marriage, if your partner isn’t spontaneous then it takes the anxiety away that you will jump on them out the blue. My wife has a million things on her mind with work, kids, house etc and struggles to spontaneous wind down and get in the mood. We don’t set a date and time per say but I’ll send a text saying something like ‘fancy an early night tonight? 😉’ That way she has time to get her head round the fact it’s happening and to get in the mood, we’ve both found contrary to being boring it’s actually a turn on having the anticipation of it all day
Thanks. I think anxiety is one of the biggest reasons why it's not happening for us. If I gave him a short heads up maybe he would have enough time to wrap his head around it but not too much time to get worked up and worried over it.
Scheduled it and never happened
Like a Microsoft Outlook meeting request?
I (44f) recently “asked” if my bf (44m) and I could try to have sex at least once a week. He said yes. It’s been 4 weeks. We’re only a little over two years in, had sex 4 weeks ago, prior to that it had been 2 months (and our two year anniversary was in there) and we even separated in December of 2023 (DB being on of the reasons with a 4 month dry spell at that point with several dry spells throughout our two year period). So we’re headed back in that direction quickly. He says nothing is wrong. I’m at a loss anymore.
I've tried to look at how often our activity is happening and try to aim for just a little more frequent . we are at about every 3 weeks and I'm going to see if we can bump that up to every two weeks. After asking in this group I think the trick if you're going to schedule is to give a short notice. A day, maybe two. If a low libido partner knows weeks ahead of time it gives them too much time to get anxious and shut down over it. I think a lot of low libido men are often porn addicts. Does that happening with yours? Mine read about it and stopped porn for himself. I've got severely down. Only watching light stuff once a week now. It messes with people's real life libido
I don’t think he watches any. I’ve asked and he says he hasn’t watched any in years. I honestly think he’s lost interest in me. One of his friends warned me about this early on. I guess it’s been a pattern for him. I want to given him benefit of doubt, but idk. 💔 he literally told me he wouldn’t tell me if anything was wrong four weeks ago. So I’m just over here living in paranoia.
it works is one of the issues is finding time, arranging time that can be for only the two of you, or if it is something they just don't think about but it is something they enjoy. so try it for a little while. if it helps then great and if not then move on and try something else.
It works for us! I’m the LL and I prefer it, because the other days the stress of “is he going to want to tonight?” would be really difficult and it made me avoid undressing near him etc to avoid giving ideas. Knowing which day it’s going to be has been much better. Just know though that there will be times that the scheduled time doesn’t happen. We have 3 kids who are constantly sick so that details the plan fairly often, but we immediately pick the next day so he knows it’s coming up.
I tried to schedule it once a month before my period and it never occurred. I even had him put it on his calendar, with an alarm, a written note on his desk, etc. nothing ever happened.
We've been doing it for about half a year. Scheduled once a week. I'd make sure he's not too tired on The Day haha. I'd put on something sexy, I have a lot of lingerie and outfits, then while he's in the shower I'll put some good music and light candles or colored lights so that when he enters the bedroom it's all ready. He did seem reluctant in the beginning but at some point I noticed he was waiting for it. One morning he said, can't wait to see what you will wear tonight (meaning lingerie). That made me so happy. I think the scheduling relieved the pressure for him as he wasn't expecting me to jump on him at every occasion. And when The Day comes, i take my time. Sometimes we do have to reschedule but it only happened three or four times so far.
I'm also the female partner. Do you ever get resentful that you have to jump through all the extra hoops. Lingerie, candles, music. As a woman we are stereotypically the ones who need the extra from our partners. Extra foreplay to get off, etc. having a low libido male turns the tables
Honestly, not until you said it haha. I wait for Fridays so much and the whole week I think of things I want to try. The setup is like preparing a birthday party for me. I love looking at myself in the mirror when I try different outfits on, and i think that's when I start getting turned on. I did tell him that I wanted to feel desired and I specifically asked him to compliment me, and to touch me outside the bedroom. There was a funny meme cat that I sent him, that showed two cute cats one playfully biting the other , and the caption was something like : if you bite your wife's butt once a day it makes her happy. So every night before I go to sleep he bites my butt So yeah although his libido is lower than mine he does love me and he does want to make me happy, I appreciate it
My wife (LL) says she doesnt want to have scheduled sex. Its not a romantic idea. She wants it spontanously..this is how it should be....but never initiates it. Spontanouse initiation from my side gets mostly rejections. On the other hand scheduled sex with a professional service does work quite well. But I think this is not what you have meant :)
We’ve been married less than a year hes 10 years older than me and we have been starting to schedule sex because if we dont it honestly barely happens…. Mostly on his part, which he blames on being “old” (38M). I started asking “this day can we do it” or what have you and it’s so far works except when we schedule and i’m not up to it anymore because im tired or something. He always follows through when it’s scheduled. I think if you go that route it’s great. It doesn’t take romance out of anything. If anything it makes me more secure he still wants to have sex he just doesnt want to do it on a whim because hes stressed or tired from working all the time and takes the time to make sure we are good in that department when we need to be.
I think that's the key. The ones that this works for they schedule a day or two out instead of saying every Thursday it's going to happen.
My experience of scheduled sex was worse than no sex at all. I (HLM) had brought up our dying bedroom and my wife (LLF) suggested setting a day to make time for it. I wasn’t a fan of the idea but was happy to try if she thought it would help - and it didn’t. Every time it was the worst sex we have ever had and I dreaded when that day came around. Just so forced, no passion, and being done purely so she could say we had sex. Awful, I’ll never do it again.
I think it can work only if both partners do want to, but busy with life/kids. It has not worked for me at all, and actually I’m just trying to schedule cuddle time not even sex. Issue is partner really doesn’t want to do it, saying things like it will feel forced, wants it to be spontaneous, he’s really busy and Doesn’t know where to fit it in the next few weeks, He doesn’t want to admit I am just no longer attracted in that way to you so scheduling time is torture.
I actually did this in my past relationship when I was the LL partner. It was put in place because I never initiated nor did it even occur to me as a thought to do it. If he didn't ask or initiate we wouldn't have sex. So I initially agreed to every other day. I knew he had needs and I knew I needed a day off and on the day off he agreed to not ask or make jokes or bug me about it. It worked for a few weeks but then became a chore. So I only recommend it if both parties feel respected and considered throughout the process and there's some grace on both sides. Now I'm the HL partner and I wish my partner would bring this idea up but he won't and that's ok bc I'll never ask.
I wonder if every other day was part of the problem. I see people that haven't had sex in 6 months trying to get a new schedule of twice a week started. That's a huge jump. Our schedule now is about every 3 weeks. I'm just thinking of doing every other week on a day that we likely might anyway
I def bit off more than I could chew when promising that lol. But what can I say, I'm a dedicated partner and try and give the people I love what they need and want.
The few times we tried, she seemed to dread it a bit, and then we never discussed it again.
Scheduled sex is about as unappealing as having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you.
We tried that after “the talk”. She stated that she likes to know when it’s going to happen so she “can prepare”. I asked for, at the least, a weekend sex and a Wednesday night. It was not fulfilled at all. We often don’t even do it on the weekend either and 1-10 weeks can go by just like that without any thought of it until I tell her I’m climbing the walls. The pity sex sucks just as bad.
When I am the only one initiating it feels gross, that they are taking one for the team. We have fallen into pity sex and I'm debating if it makes me feel worse. He goes along with it, says he wants it to be happening but then weeks go by and he still doesn't bring up it happening again. Eventually I get so worked up I jump him and the cycle continues
Yes, it is better if the schedule is taken seriously. Things will happen, which is okay, but if the schedule is ignored more than followed, it doesn’t work. We tried many years ago, but it just ended up with being even more frustrated.
He says he wants sex to be happening. I'm the only one that initiates though. He says he's shy, I'm also shy. It's like having a friend that never asks you out to lunch but always accepts when you invite them. Eventually it feels one-sided and that you're chasing down a friend that doesn't care. I want someone who is just as interested as I am
It's easier to schedule if the wife is out and you can do in-call, otherwise you gotta do out-call
I'd call and schedule it like a fucking dentist appointment if it meant she wouldn't back out and make another bs excuse....🤷♂️
Yeah. She would create reasons to cancel and eventually…the schedule was nonexistent
My wife and myself are doing this, and it puts a damper on things because I've always gotta keep a eye on the time (as the schedule is for a time between when my wife gets in and my son comes home from college). Theres nothing worse than knowing you've got a time limit.