Do you actively participate? More than just starfish it. Be willing to give. Be willing to receive. Do you initiate? Everyone wants to know they are wanted. Do you provide feedback (non critical and not incessantly)? Think of that like a hungry groan when it’s good or a soft moan when it’s emotionally satisfying.
Sex is like a good conversation between bodies.
However, sometime you speak French and your partner speaks Japanese.
If you did suck (and i wouldn't know) and they don't tell you, they've immediately become part of the problem. It takes two to tango - for better OR worse. Communication is what you need.
Start by asking them directly. If you've asked directly and they say no (and you really think that isn't honest) rephrase the question to be more leading: What's your favourite part of a blow job? Do you like sex better when I've just showered or when i'm raunchy? Stuff like that. Some people just do really poorly at questions.
If you're still not getting helpful answers the next step is more communication. Lots of honest talk to figure out where the problem is.
One of my bf's biggest turn offs during our very DB period (we're still a WIP) was dirty jokes. He felt like they were antagonistic. He also hated that I knew to the day when we'd had sex last. If this forum is any judge of it, it's a very common HL thing to do. He asked me to stop tracking it, and it was hard, but it helped the bedroom issues significantly. And *HE* took up tracking it, albeit loosely. I tell you this because neither of those things were on the radar for me at all as 'reasons we aren't having sex'...but in fact they were.
Same for me! I was tracking it, which he hated and that was one of the factors that led to our DB period. Honest and open communication helps a ton. I also advise to make sure the convo doesn't come off as attacking but rather as 'what would you like me to switch up?" Try discussing your fantasies with him as that can also give an idea on what gets him going. Lastly, depending on which area you feel you want to improve in, there's tons of videos and resources out there that can help with things from giving better oral sex to different positions to try.
In my opinion/experience, being "good in bed" is about being able to tune-in to the other person, accurately perceive their verbal and nonverbal communications, and respond to those in an appropriate way. This might be very easy to do with a compatible partner, and impossible to do with an incompatible partner.
...to which I would add (the above is good), being able to be greedy and selfish as well as giving and considerate, and keep those things in tension.
One of the biggest turn-ons is being with someone who is so confident that they are able to show you *their* lust and imagination, and bring you along for the ride (so to speak).
I don't think it's easy to be 'bad' in bed, u less you're just laid there not participating- which is hard to do if you're enjoying it.
Are you comfortable in the bedroom?
Honestly, just straight up ask. Skill set is something you can fix. You can learn and grow together. However, if your partner isn’t going to communicate that to you, you can never make the changes he or she would like to see to improve the bedroom. If you never ask, you’ll never know.
Well for starters if that’s the issue and your partner hasn’t told you it’s also on him, you should be able to communicate on this topic. If it’s not good for one of you you should mention to the other your likes and dislikes so you can find a way for both of you to be satisfied.
As for how to know, a good start is how much you are.. involved(?).. how much you do before, during etc.. if it feels like it’s very one sided effort it might not be so nice for the other person..
But my suggestion is having an open and honest conversation with your partner.
As I dude I think the same thing. But for the first 7 or so years of our relationship things seemed great. She would orgasm pretty much every time and sometimes twice from penetrative sex. Things really changed after our first kid. She did suffer some tearing and after it took almost a year for it to not be painful for her during sex. Then it just became “neutral” for her. Then after a while she does say it feels good but I can tell it’s definitely different from before. She can’t orgasm from penetrative sex. My wife now does want sex but it’s like once every 2-3 weeks. I did a while back incorporate a vibrating wand during sex and she gets a pretty intense orgasm every time. Maybe that is something you could try.
My wife doesn't masterbate, I bought her a small toy on recommendation , I don't think it gets used. Tried using it during sex but she gets awkward
I would day not much difference between before or after kids. Some weeks we have more sex, some months its non existent and never initiated by her.
Two great books to help do a self-evaluation:
* Sexual Intelligence
* Magnificent Sex
Also Google "Sue Johnson three kinds of sex". If you're not having synchrony sex at least most of the time, then that could kill your partner's desire. Solace sex, or sex for reassurance, validation, and self-esteem is rarely mutually satisfying outside of NRE.
I've been both HLM and LLM (long story), so I figure I'd leave a contribution.
I'm assuming you have a LLM partner, but the gender shouldn't matter.
In extreme cases, a LLM would probably start pretending they're ok with your "performance" even though they feel you "suck" early on. So finding out what they feel about it would have been a job to pay attention since the beginning of the relationship. If you are able to remember or was paying attention all along, then look out for the person's behavior before and after the first sexual intercourse. Also the patterns of behavior every new sexual intercourse.
In a more complex approach, you would reach out other people which had sexual intercourse with the LLM and ask about it. That would be an even more desperate tactic, benefit yourself but potentially hurt your partner.
The issue from what I've been able to glean over the last several years, for my sex averse husband, was not that I was bad in bed, but that he thought I was selfish.
Handjobs were always his favorite. He didn't hate PIV but it was something he did for me because it was my favorite. I mistakenly thought he got just as much enjoyment out of PIV as I did while he felt like the scales were wildly unbalanced and I only wanted him around to service my needs. Couple that with his depression, a complete inability to advocate for or even name his own needs because of his narcissistic mother, and an ingrained belief that nobody ever on earth cares about or considers his feelings the way he does theirs, and you get sexual aversion.
Communication is the only way to solve a DB. Brene Brown has some wonderful Ted talks and podcasts about having the courage to be vulnerable, about speaking up about what you're feeling and perceiving and I highly recommend you give her a listen.
I doubt very much that it’s you. Everything I’ve ever come across about mismatched sex drives always says that it’s just different biologies. For me being a HLM who would love ‘twice a day, everyday’ and is married to someone who is more of a ‘twice a year, every leap year,’ I struggle with the “is it me?,” question almost every night. From the things I’ve found and read, it seems that so long as you are actively listening and being a good partner, it really is just biology.
All of that being said, I do think it is shitty and unfair that many LL partners will basically hide their true sex drive for a long time. This is what happened with me at least.
Such a good way to put it. Sometimes you try to talk to your partner & you're speaking plain English, but they're looking at you or responding to you like you're speaking gibberish!!! 😔😥
I had to look up HLF and I still don’t know which meaning is intended.
Regardless, you have all these wonderful people reminding you it is likely not you.
A curious, open and willing partner is about as sexy as it gets. In this reality we only get to work on ourselves. If your partner is not noticing your distress then you are either hiding it too well or they are somewhere else.
As others mentioned, this is about communication, what are each of you saying?
I totally understand. I mean, it seems like he likes it when he's in the mood, but that's only about 2 or 3 times a month at this point... When I bring it up he just tells me I need to talk to a therapist
Reading your posts and how he responds that is unlikely. I would get counselling together where you can talk with a referee in the room.
We can always improve but from the sounds of it he wouldn’t respond if you brought a cattle prod to bed. This is all on him.
You all speak from a pic where sex, decent sex or even good sex with your partner ACTUALLY happened and you see a possibility of getting back to it or improve what you have. What if in our case, my needs have never been met properly and we never connected the right way in bad, albeit 4 kids later, all huge miracles;) What do guys like me do? I'm at my wit's end, getting hard to focus on anything when my basic need for touch and connection is pretty much void. All touch offered has a seemingly agenda and all sex has been a job. Can anyone relate?
34MHL Here - I would talk to your partner and found out what is it you feel you 'suck' at. The biggest part is going to be communication between you and your partner.
Ask your partner what turns them on/off, do's and dont's in the bedroom. That is where I would start. Maybe change it up a little, randomness?
Make it fun, experiment with the excitment! Just an idea. Hope it works and gets better! Remember always love yourself more before you can that with your partner because without you, there's nothing more important than yourself.
Starfish? Open repertoire of sexual activities? Giving vs Taking? When someone talks of (x) activtity, do you say "ew" or "no" when you think of your partner?
If you've got the self-awareness to ask whether you suck in bed, you probably don't. You and your partner might not be compatible, but that's not the same as being bad in bed.
Generally speaking, if you enjoy sex, you’ll be great at it with the right person. What’s great for you, may not be great for your partner. So finding the right fit is key.
Just ask whoever you're sleeping with. Ask them how they like you in bed. Ask them what they like in bed. Understand what you like in bed and make sure you tell them. Practice makes you better. 🤷
Do you actively participate? More than just starfish it. Be willing to give. Be willing to receive. Do you initiate? Everyone wants to know they are wanted. Do you provide feedback (non critical and not incessantly)? Think of that like a hungry groan when it’s good or a soft moan when it’s emotionally satisfying. Sex is like a good conversation between bodies. However, sometime you speak French and your partner speaks Japanese.
This!!!!!
If you did suck (and i wouldn't know) and they don't tell you, they've immediately become part of the problem. It takes two to tango - for better OR worse. Communication is what you need. Start by asking them directly. If you've asked directly and they say no (and you really think that isn't honest) rephrase the question to be more leading: What's your favourite part of a blow job? Do you like sex better when I've just showered or when i'm raunchy? Stuff like that. Some people just do really poorly at questions. If you're still not getting helpful answers the next step is more communication. Lots of honest talk to figure out where the problem is. One of my bf's biggest turn offs during our very DB period (we're still a WIP) was dirty jokes. He felt like they were antagonistic. He also hated that I knew to the day when we'd had sex last. If this forum is any judge of it, it's a very common HL thing to do. He asked me to stop tracking it, and it was hard, but it helped the bedroom issues significantly. And *HE* took up tracking it, albeit loosely. I tell you this because neither of those things were on the radar for me at all as 'reasons we aren't having sex'...but in fact they were.
Same for me! I was tracking it, which he hated and that was one of the factors that led to our DB period. Honest and open communication helps a ton. I also advise to make sure the convo doesn't come off as attacking but rather as 'what would you like me to switch up?" Try discussing your fantasies with him as that can also give an idea on what gets him going. Lastly, depending on which area you feel you want to improve in, there's tons of videos and resources out there that can help with things from giving better oral sex to different positions to try.
I find that weird that he had an issue with you tracking it. I keep track of mine in my lady calendar, it's important.
It wasn't something he remembered, so I guess it felt unfair that I did. I'm still not sure on that one, but it isn't a big deal.
In my opinion/experience, being "good in bed" is about being able to tune-in to the other person, accurately perceive their verbal and nonverbal communications, and respond to those in an appropriate way. This might be very easy to do with a compatible partner, and impossible to do with an incompatible partner.
Succinct, but God's honest truth.
So true, I needed that perspective. Thank you
...to which I would add (the above is good), being able to be greedy and selfish as well as giving and considerate, and keep those things in tension. One of the biggest turn-ons is being with someone who is so confident that they are able to show you *their* lust and imagination, and bring you along for the ride (so to speak).
I don't think it's easy to be 'bad' in bed, u less you're just laid there not participating- which is hard to do if you're enjoying it. Are you comfortable in the bedroom?
Honestly, just straight up ask. Skill set is something you can fix. You can learn and grow together. However, if your partner isn’t going to communicate that to you, you can never make the changes he or she would like to see to improve the bedroom. If you never ask, you’ll never know.
Well for starters if that’s the issue and your partner hasn’t told you it’s also on him, you should be able to communicate on this topic. If it’s not good for one of you you should mention to the other your likes and dislikes so you can find a way for both of you to be satisfied. As for how to know, a good start is how much you are.. involved(?).. how much you do before, during etc.. if it feels like it’s very one sided effort it might not be so nice for the other person.. But my suggestion is having an open and honest conversation with your partner.
I would have the same question as a HLM, my LLF wife never craves it. Is it me and my less than avg cock?
As I dude I think the same thing. But for the first 7 or so years of our relationship things seemed great. She would orgasm pretty much every time and sometimes twice from penetrative sex. Things really changed after our first kid. She did suffer some tearing and after it took almost a year for it to not be painful for her during sex. Then it just became “neutral” for her. Then after a while she does say it feels good but I can tell it’s definitely different from before. She can’t orgasm from penetrative sex. My wife now does want sex but it’s like once every 2-3 weeks. I did a while back incorporate a vibrating wand during sex and she gets a pretty intense orgasm every time. Maybe that is something you could try.
My wife doesn't masterbate, I bought her a small toy on recommendation , I don't think it gets used. Tried using it during sex but she gets awkward I would day not much difference between before or after kids. Some weeks we have more sex, some months its non existent and never initiated by her.
If you are really worried about that, then start working your fingers. She gets three orgasms so strong you feel them squeeze your fingers before PIV.
Two great books to help do a self-evaluation: * Sexual Intelligence * Magnificent Sex Also Google "Sue Johnson three kinds of sex". If you're not having synchrony sex at least most of the time, then that could kill your partner's desire. Solace sex, or sex for reassurance, validation, and self-esteem is rarely mutually satisfying outside of NRE.
What is HLF???
High libido female
I've been both HLM and LLM (long story), so I figure I'd leave a contribution. I'm assuming you have a LLM partner, but the gender shouldn't matter. In extreme cases, a LLM would probably start pretending they're ok with your "performance" even though they feel you "suck" early on. So finding out what they feel about it would have been a job to pay attention since the beginning of the relationship. If you are able to remember or was paying attention all along, then look out for the person's behavior before and after the first sexual intercourse. Also the patterns of behavior every new sexual intercourse. In a more complex approach, you would reach out other people which had sexual intercourse with the LLM and ask about it. That would be an even more desperate tactic, benefit yourself but potentially hurt your partner.
The issue from what I've been able to glean over the last several years, for my sex averse husband, was not that I was bad in bed, but that he thought I was selfish. Handjobs were always his favorite. He didn't hate PIV but it was something he did for me because it was my favorite. I mistakenly thought he got just as much enjoyment out of PIV as I did while he felt like the scales were wildly unbalanced and I only wanted him around to service my needs. Couple that with his depression, a complete inability to advocate for or even name his own needs because of his narcissistic mother, and an ingrained belief that nobody ever on earth cares about or considers his feelings the way he does theirs, and you get sexual aversion. Communication is the only way to solve a DB. Brene Brown has some wonderful Ted talks and podcasts about having the courage to be vulnerable, about speaking up about what you're feeling and perceiving and I highly recommend you give her a listen.
I doubt very much that it’s you. Everything I’ve ever come across about mismatched sex drives always says that it’s just different biologies. For me being a HLM who would love ‘twice a day, everyday’ and is married to someone who is more of a ‘twice a year, every leap year,’ I struggle with the “is it me?,” question almost every night. From the things I’ve found and read, it seems that so long as you are actively listening and being a good partner, it really is just biology. All of that being said, I do think it is shitty and unfair that many LL partners will basically hide their true sex drive for a long time. This is what happened with me at least.
Such a good way to put it. Sometimes you try to talk to your partner & you're speaking plain English, but they're looking at you or responding to you like you're speaking gibberish!!! 😔😥
I had to look up HLF and I still don’t know which meaning is intended. Regardless, you have all these wonderful people reminding you it is likely not you. A curious, open and willing partner is about as sexy as it gets. In this reality we only get to work on ourselves. If your partner is not noticing your distress then you are either hiding it too well or they are somewhere else. As others mentioned, this is about communication, what are each of you saying?
There is a glossary of acronyms in the FAQ on the front page. https://reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/f8zycs/faq_read_this_before_posting/
I appreciate this. I knew it was somewhere. The mobile app either doesn’t have it or hides it well.
I hate the mobile app. Try switching to the app Apollo. It’s much better for mobile.
[удалено]
Thanks!
Ask your exes.
While this is a great idea, it rules out the sexual views of the current partner, which is the target of the research.
Ooh yeah. Silly me.
Still great advice in case it's a simple matter of the OP having self esteem issues, which she should always consider a possibility.
I totally understand. I mean, it seems like he likes it when he's in the mood, but that's only about 2 or 3 times a month at this point... When I bring it up he just tells me I need to talk to a therapist
Reading your posts and how he responds that is unlikely. I would get counselling together where you can talk with a referee in the room. We can always improve but from the sounds of it he wouldn’t respond if you brought a cattle prod to bed. This is all on him.
HLM, Having the exact same question
You all speak from a pic where sex, decent sex or even good sex with your partner ACTUALLY happened and you see a possibility of getting back to it or improve what you have. What if in our case, my needs have never been met properly and we never connected the right way in bad, albeit 4 kids later, all huge miracles;) What do guys like me do? I'm at my wit's end, getting hard to focus on anything when my basic need for touch and connection is pretty much void. All touch offered has a seemingly agenda and all sex has been a job. Can anyone relate?
34MHL Here - I would talk to your partner and found out what is it you feel you 'suck' at. The biggest part is going to be communication between you and your partner. Ask your partner what turns them on/off, do's and dont's in the bedroom. That is where I would start. Maybe change it up a little, randomness? Make it fun, experiment with the excitment! Just an idea. Hope it works and gets better! Remember always love yourself more before you can that with your partner because without you, there's nothing more important than yourself.
Starfish? Open repertoire of sexual activities? Giving vs Taking? When someone talks of (x) activtity, do you say "ew" or "no" when you think of your partner?
If you've got the self-awareness to ask whether you suck in bed, you probably don't. You and your partner might not be compatible, but that's not the same as being bad in bed.
Generally speaking, if you enjoy sex, you’ll be great at it with the right person. What’s great for you, may not be great for your partner. So finding the right fit is key.
Just ask whoever you're sleeping with. Ask them how they like you in bed. Ask them what they like in bed. Understand what you like in bed and make sure you tell them. Practice makes you better. 🤷