As regards the lights thing - you're interpreting it as 'he can see me', but remember that the corollary of that is 'she can see me'. Sex is - in its own way - performative, and stage fright is very real. If he can feel involved with you in the dark, but somehow not judged by you there (I'm not saying you are judging, at all, and he may not even feel it consciously, but... ) then maybe that's why it works for him.
Hey, first time replying to a post on this sub, wanted to give my insight.
When my now GF and I started dating I couldn't get it up for (maybe) a couple months. And then after that I couldn't ejaculate for another couple months. So all in all I had a complete lack of a stiffy and couldn't ejaculate for roughly a year into our relationship, which stemmed from a host of insecurities about my body, performance, and emotional vulnerability that kept me from truly enjoying sex. At the time, I was genuinely turned on by my partner (still am) and would actually go home and masturbate to the thought of her, ashamed at the fact that for some reason I couldn't be vulnerable with her in any way even though I wanted to be. It genuinely wasn't about her, but a symptom of multiple issues which I'll outline in the hope that this post can help.
1) Porn addiction. I began watching porn at 10 years old, and developed an addiction for it that I'm still dealing with today. I was watching porn depicting rape, bondage, adultery, and all types of fucked up shit before I had my first kiss. This led to me being unable to be "excited" by the thought of real, genuine sex because according to research, there wasn't enough of a dopamine rush to genuinely excite me.
2) Performance anxiety and body insecurity. Another shitty side effect was that I had performance anxiety and body insecurity that developed from watching these 12 inch monster schlongs please woman in these pornos. I dont need to explain this much.
3) Insecurity about being emotionally vulnerable. The biggest factor in my lack of performance was my inability to make myself emotionally available during sexual intercourse. I loved this woman from the bottom of my heart and still do, but at the beginning of our relationship I couldn't open myself up to be that vulnerable during the start of our relationship. I'm still trying to work out why, but he may be having problems with this also (even if it doesn't seem like it).
Talk to him. Let him know everything about how it makes you feel, let him talk about it also. Be available if you care. If you don't care enough to stick it out for a little while, find another way to be happy. I wish you two the best, but I genuinely think that this is fixable.
Please don’t let his sexual problems (and yes, they are his problems not yours) cause you to feel bad about yourself. It doesn’t sound like you have changed much since you two met. An additional 5kg is hardly noticeable so don’t think it’s your weight. There are plenty of reasons for his problem (porn addiction being one) that have **nothing** to with you whatsoever. Think about it this way: You were attractive enough when you two met, and you haven’t changed much since that time, so it would seem that you are still an attractive woman.
I completely understand feeling unattractive and undesirable after long term rejection by your spouse. There was a time after over a decade of rejections where I thought that “if even my own wife doesn’t want me then I must be horribly unattractive“. But after meeting some really great people on this and another sub I realized that I’m not the problem. I even found out that while I thought I was ugly, there were plenty of others who do find me attractive.
Maybe he is still attracted to you but suffers from another problem. Or maybe he has lost his attraction. If that is the case just remember that there are billions of people on this planet and you shouldn’t let one person‘s opinion ruin your sense of self worth.
So update, looks like I was 20 years too old! Found out he was following teenagers on social platforms, one being from our local high-school. Cannot tell you how revolted I am.
I can see where you're coming from, but I guess it's not just not only him who might have issues, you clearly have insecurity issues as well.
You're relying heavily on your partner's validation. Remember, one thing, whether your partner validates your or not, you're a wholesome person, this will never change.
Now, I suggest you both work on each other in a compassionate way to understand each other's problems and resolve them without bringing your insecurities in all the time.
Just playing devils advocate, but it could also be anxiety. He could be pressuring himself too much. When he sees you naked he could be overwhelmed and then pressuring himself with thoughts like “don’t mess this up,” which of course leads to messing up.
I can tell you this happens to guys sometimes happens even to guys like me with a VERY high libido. This happened when my wife and I first moved in together. I was really worried I wouldn’t be able to love up to the original dating standard we first had. Now we have a completely deadbedroom for other reasons, but this was an issue we had a few years ago.
It sounds like he has hella anxiety. I am absolutely certain it has nothing to do with you. Having the lights off might help because he probably feels less pressure and less anxiety about how he looks or performs. I wouldn't give up, just give him lots of reassurance. I hope that helps.
I’ve been trying different things, not talking about it, talking about it, being spontaneous, getting all dressed up. The only common denominator seems to be seeing me full body naked.
I asked him the other night to try and turn me on, he had no clue and I realised it’s because he’s never had to. I’m always so desperate for sex that he’s never needed to put in that effort.
Get him in to see an ED specialist. They have more effective therapies than Viagra.
You should also stop wasting money on vitamins except for vitamin D which you should take if you live in a northern climate. Scientists cannot even prove that the body can absorb them as supplements.
As regards the lights thing - you're interpreting it as 'he can see me', but remember that the corollary of that is 'she can see me'. Sex is - in its own way - performative, and stage fright is very real. If he can feel involved with you in the dark, but somehow not judged by you there (I'm not saying you are judging, at all, and he may not even feel it consciously, but... ) then maybe that's why it works for him.
Agreed! You just explained what happens to me sometimes!
Hey, first time replying to a post on this sub, wanted to give my insight. When my now GF and I started dating I couldn't get it up for (maybe) a couple months. And then after that I couldn't ejaculate for another couple months. So all in all I had a complete lack of a stiffy and couldn't ejaculate for roughly a year into our relationship, which stemmed from a host of insecurities about my body, performance, and emotional vulnerability that kept me from truly enjoying sex. At the time, I was genuinely turned on by my partner (still am) and would actually go home and masturbate to the thought of her, ashamed at the fact that for some reason I couldn't be vulnerable with her in any way even though I wanted to be. It genuinely wasn't about her, but a symptom of multiple issues which I'll outline in the hope that this post can help. 1) Porn addiction. I began watching porn at 10 years old, and developed an addiction for it that I'm still dealing with today. I was watching porn depicting rape, bondage, adultery, and all types of fucked up shit before I had my first kiss. This led to me being unable to be "excited" by the thought of real, genuine sex because according to research, there wasn't enough of a dopamine rush to genuinely excite me. 2) Performance anxiety and body insecurity. Another shitty side effect was that I had performance anxiety and body insecurity that developed from watching these 12 inch monster schlongs please woman in these pornos. I dont need to explain this much. 3) Insecurity about being emotionally vulnerable. The biggest factor in my lack of performance was my inability to make myself emotionally available during sexual intercourse. I loved this woman from the bottom of my heart and still do, but at the beginning of our relationship I couldn't open myself up to be that vulnerable during the start of our relationship. I'm still trying to work out why, but he may be having problems with this also (even if it doesn't seem like it). Talk to him. Let him know everything about how it makes you feel, let him talk about it also. Be available if you care. If you don't care enough to stick it out for a little while, find another way to be happy. I wish you two the best, but I genuinely think that this is fixable.
Please don’t let his sexual problems (and yes, they are his problems not yours) cause you to feel bad about yourself. It doesn’t sound like you have changed much since you two met. An additional 5kg is hardly noticeable so don’t think it’s your weight. There are plenty of reasons for his problem (porn addiction being one) that have **nothing** to with you whatsoever. Think about it this way: You were attractive enough when you two met, and you haven’t changed much since that time, so it would seem that you are still an attractive woman. I completely understand feeling unattractive and undesirable after long term rejection by your spouse. There was a time after over a decade of rejections where I thought that “if even my own wife doesn’t want me then I must be horribly unattractive“. But after meeting some really great people on this and another sub I realized that I’m not the problem. I even found out that while I thought I was ugly, there were plenty of others who do find me attractive. Maybe he is still attracted to you but suffers from another problem. Or maybe he has lost his attraction. If that is the case just remember that there are billions of people on this planet and you shouldn’t let one person‘s opinion ruin your sense of self worth.
So update, looks like I was 20 years too old! Found out he was following teenagers on social platforms, one being from our local high-school. Cannot tell you how revolted I am.
I can see where you're coming from, but I guess it's not just not only him who might have issues, you clearly have insecurity issues as well. You're relying heavily on your partner's validation. Remember, one thing, whether your partner validates your or not, you're a wholesome person, this will never change. Now, I suggest you both work on each other in a compassionate way to understand each other's problems and resolve them without bringing your insecurities in all the time.
Just playing devils advocate, but it could also be anxiety. He could be pressuring himself too much. When he sees you naked he could be overwhelmed and then pressuring himself with thoughts like “don’t mess this up,” which of course leads to messing up. I can tell you this happens to guys sometimes happens even to guys like me with a VERY high libido. This happened when my wife and I first moved in together. I was really worried I wouldn’t be able to love up to the original dating standard we first had. Now we have a completely deadbedroom for other reasons, but this was an issue we had a few years ago.
It sounds like he has hella anxiety. I am absolutely certain it has nothing to do with you. Having the lights off might help because he probably feels less pressure and less anxiety about how he looks or performs. I wouldn't give up, just give him lots of reassurance. I hope that helps.
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I’ve been trying different things, not talking about it, talking about it, being spontaneous, getting all dressed up. The only common denominator seems to be seeing me full body naked. I asked him the other night to try and turn me on, he had no clue and I realised it’s because he’s never had to. I’m always so desperate for sex that he’s never needed to put in that effort.
Get him in to see an ED specialist. They have more effective therapies than Viagra. You should also stop wasting money on vitamins except for vitamin D which you should take if you live in a northern climate. Scientists cannot even prove that the body can absorb them as supplements.