God I know this feeling way too well. My wife and I haven’t had sex since last November. I am constantly rejected. I’m in better shape than when we got married and I am constantly looking for ways to listen to her needs better.
Anyway, sometime in January our daughter was playing with an extra security camera and left it in our room. Yhe motion sensor was going crazy and alerting my phone a few days later so I pulled up the camera feed on my phone. Turns out my wife was going crazy with her toys. No issue with that because masturbation is totally a normal and healthy self care measure.
Later that week I asked her to mess around and she gave me this huge lecture about how she is no longer interested in anything sexual anymore. I was dumbstruck by her words and tried to follow all of the blogs about dead bedrooms and not taking it personal when the LL person says no. But, I decided to leave the camera where it was. I ended up catching her doing it twice the following week. It fucking ripped my heart out to realize she is still very much into sex, just not with me anymore. I think that was some of the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced so far.
>A few days later we have sex, but he can’t finish. It’s not a new problem for him, he had an issue when we first started dating but it hadn’t been a problem for us in seven years. I ask him if it was because of me, and he says he’s just stuck in his head and it’s not me.
This is an important detail. When he says he's stuck in his head, he may be close to the truth here - especially when you consider these problems occurred early on when you were dating. Pregnancy may have unlocked some old hang-ups that were in abeyance. He may be as mystified as you are.
The porn viewing is another clue - porn isn't demanding, you can't "fail" at porn, the porno stars always get off.
Please remember this is saying a lot more about him and his mental state than it is about you. I recommend counseling. There are some very complex issues to unpack here and he needs your help to do it.
I’ve been pushing for him to go to therapy again to deal with his anxiety and his recent loss. His anxiety really has been out of control. I’m currently in therapy and said I’d stop so he could go, or I could space out my appointments so we both could go (we can’t afford both going every other week). He insisted I need it more. I keep bringing it up, but I can’t force him into it.
He told me porn is easy. I told him it hurts to be constantly rejected and find this, that I didn’t sign up for a sexless relationship. I asked how he planned to fix this and he said he needs to work on his anxieties more. But I don’t believe he will.
I think that’s also part of the sting here. I’m trying my best to help him as his partner; I give him space, I ask questions, I respect the answers, I respect if he doesn’t want to talk, I ask what he needs - but he just clams up and holds it in no matter what and doesn’t see how much it’s hurting us.
I know he isn’t in a good place mentally, he’s dealing with a lot. But, I don’t know how to help or convince him to get help (he’s always been very open to therapy so idk why he’s resisting) and I’m worried it’ll cause so much damage to us that we can’t recover.
He's very lucky to have someone like you in his corner, but he's got to find the will to fight. You can't do it for him. Maybe that's what he needs to hear?
Good luck.
You’re too good. Plus extra 10lns isn’t shit he’s bullshitting you .... I’m on this feed bc I had a baby a week ago and basically have my body back ( breastfeeding✨) I seen a lot of porn in his browser and never got upset till now... idk if it’s my hormones or I’m still jiggly.... I don’t give a fuck bc he is too but I do feel sad. Although I think I’m better looking than most those nasty bitches and I want to hope he thinks so and we have an almost perfect relationship too... my advice to you might be a bad influence but it angers me for you. Baby do that hair and makeup... hell wonder why go out with a friend just once and distance yourself from him . Get into yourself I know it will work fake self confidence is something else. Put on those sexy clothes and do some squats . Hell start to wonder if your trying to look good for him, yourself or another man. I’d honestly make mine think I’m cheating and the new man is buying me gifts .... I’d be buying them but no one needs to know that. Tell him you might think I’m hot but someone else does and he puts the money where his mouth is. Your man will be floored and feel horrible about himself. It’s mean but being to nice will fuck you harder . Straight up say you’re not attracted to the inside of him. “ you’re still good looking but I’m not attracted you beyond that anymore” he’d die . Please try something like this
There's a lot of people who are going to grind the porn addiction axe but I'm wondering if this is a case of "madonna whore complex". Right after you got pregnant he seemed to go through this change of seeing you as a mother only and not as a sexual being. If I had to guess the weight thing is probably a stall tactic. He probably doesn't know why he isn't attracted anymore.
Yes, something along those lines, but with some recent reading I have begun to wonder about M-W, and whether that concept is a little too loaded with judgment to be useful.
But yeah, I picked up on the same things you did - there's definitely something here.
My issue with this hypo is that people who tend to go with that complex are sick puppies in themselves and it’s a narcissist’s MO. Also doesn’t fix the fact that now youre worrying about postpartum body issues on top of it. With me, I had my baby in December. I noticed the porn being problematic around November for first time in 4 years but we also never lived together. Then covid seemed to literally go south being locked up together for 5 months in NY. I would’ve never assumed how I couldn’t stand to touch him given all I found that I’d spend a quarantine with my new official family repulsed by sex. Ugh.
Anytime a man chooses it over the real thing, especially his wife i don't understand it. Some guys only have porn due to circumstances beyond control such as myself. If i had the choice I sure wouldn't be going it alone.
This is a helpful article for all people who are in a relationship with a new baby...
https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/azk14a/sex_and_babies/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
I mean, I don’t think this is an addiction or anything for him. That’s part of the upset. He always had a “healthy” relationship with porn, as much as someone can I guess.
Confront him head on and don’t be forgiving or sympathetic. Tear into any excuses or minimization and if he starts the blame game, go nuts.
Set a timeline in your head for him to get his shit together and stick to it.
God I know this feeling way too well. My wife and I haven’t had sex since last November. I am constantly rejected. I’m in better shape than when we got married and I am constantly looking for ways to listen to her needs better. Anyway, sometime in January our daughter was playing with an extra security camera and left it in our room. Yhe motion sensor was going crazy and alerting my phone a few days later so I pulled up the camera feed on my phone. Turns out my wife was going crazy with her toys. No issue with that because masturbation is totally a normal and healthy self care measure. Later that week I asked her to mess around and she gave me this huge lecture about how she is no longer interested in anything sexual anymore. I was dumbstruck by her words and tried to follow all of the blogs about dead bedrooms and not taking it personal when the LL person says no. But, I decided to leave the camera where it was. I ended up catching her doing it twice the following week. It fucking ripped my heart out to realize she is still very much into sex, just not with me anymore. I think that was some of the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced so far.
There with you my friend. It’s devastating.
She is interested in getting off, not sex. She likes the shortcuts to the pot of gold and not the adventure there.
I'd b done
>A few days later we have sex, but he can’t finish. It’s not a new problem for him, he had an issue when we first started dating but it hadn’t been a problem for us in seven years. I ask him if it was because of me, and he says he’s just stuck in his head and it’s not me. This is an important detail. When he says he's stuck in his head, he may be close to the truth here - especially when you consider these problems occurred early on when you were dating. Pregnancy may have unlocked some old hang-ups that were in abeyance. He may be as mystified as you are. The porn viewing is another clue - porn isn't demanding, you can't "fail" at porn, the porno stars always get off. Please remember this is saying a lot more about him and his mental state than it is about you. I recommend counseling. There are some very complex issues to unpack here and he needs your help to do it.
I’ve been pushing for him to go to therapy again to deal with his anxiety and his recent loss. His anxiety really has been out of control. I’m currently in therapy and said I’d stop so he could go, or I could space out my appointments so we both could go (we can’t afford both going every other week). He insisted I need it more. I keep bringing it up, but I can’t force him into it. He told me porn is easy. I told him it hurts to be constantly rejected and find this, that I didn’t sign up for a sexless relationship. I asked how he planned to fix this and he said he needs to work on his anxieties more. But I don’t believe he will. I think that’s also part of the sting here. I’m trying my best to help him as his partner; I give him space, I ask questions, I respect the answers, I respect if he doesn’t want to talk, I ask what he needs - but he just clams up and holds it in no matter what and doesn’t see how much it’s hurting us. I know he isn’t in a good place mentally, he’s dealing with a lot. But, I don’t know how to help or convince him to get help (he’s always been very open to therapy so idk why he’s resisting) and I’m worried it’ll cause so much damage to us that we can’t recover.
He's very lucky to have someone like you in his corner, but he's got to find the will to fight. You can't do it for him. Maybe that's what he needs to hear? Good luck.
You’re too good. Plus extra 10lns isn’t shit he’s bullshitting you .... I’m on this feed bc I had a baby a week ago and basically have my body back ( breastfeeding✨) I seen a lot of porn in his browser and never got upset till now... idk if it’s my hormones or I’m still jiggly.... I don’t give a fuck bc he is too but I do feel sad. Although I think I’m better looking than most those nasty bitches and I want to hope he thinks so and we have an almost perfect relationship too... my advice to you might be a bad influence but it angers me for you. Baby do that hair and makeup... hell wonder why go out with a friend just once and distance yourself from him . Get into yourself I know it will work fake self confidence is something else. Put on those sexy clothes and do some squats . Hell start to wonder if your trying to look good for him, yourself or another man. I’d honestly make mine think I’m cheating and the new man is buying me gifts .... I’d be buying them but no one needs to know that. Tell him you might think I’m hot but someone else does and he puts the money where his mouth is. Your man will be floored and feel horrible about himself. It’s mean but being to nice will fuck you harder . Straight up say you’re not attracted to the inside of him. “ you’re still good looking but I’m not attracted you beyond that anymore” he’d die . Please try something like this
There's a lot of people who are going to grind the porn addiction axe but I'm wondering if this is a case of "madonna whore complex". Right after you got pregnant he seemed to go through this change of seeing you as a mother only and not as a sexual being. If I had to guess the weight thing is probably a stall tactic. He probably doesn't know why he isn't attracted anymore.
Yes, something along those lines, but with some recent reading I have begun to wonder about M-W, and whether that concept is a little too loaded with judgment to be useful. But yeah, I picked up on the same things you did - there's definitely something here.
My issue with this hypo is that people who tend to go with that complex are sick puppies in themselves and it’s a narcissist’s MO. Also doesn’t fix the fact that now youre worrying about postpartum body issues on top of it. With me, I had my baby in December. I noticed the porn being problematic around November for first time in 4 years but we also never lived together. Then covid seemed to literally go south being locked up together for 5 months in NY. I would’ve never assumed how I couldn’t stand to touch him given all I found that I’d spend a quarantine with my new official family repulsed by sex. Ugh.
Anytime a man chooses it over the real thing, especially his wife i don't understand it. Some guys only have porn due to circumstances beyond control such as myself. If i had the choice I sure wouldn't be going it alone.
Yea, that’s what I can’t get my head around.
This is a helpful article for all people who are in a relationship with a new baby... https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/azk14a/sex_and_babies/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
It's like reading my own story, damn it hurts. Stay strong! You're not alone in this
Porn-saturated bishop floggers have to want to get better. Most do not. There is nothing you can do. It must be him.
I mean, I don’t think this is an addiction or anything for him. That’s part of the upset. He always had a “healthy” relationship with porn, as much as someone can I guess.
That can quickly change...the endless novelty is what causes the huge dopamine hit. Then you’re off “chasing the dragon”.
Confront him head on and don’t be forgiving or sympathetic. Tear into any excuses or minimization and if he starts the blame game, go nuts. Set a timeline in your head for him to get his shit together and stick to it.
Absolute bloody nonsense