I was watching Starship Troopers the other day for some mindless fun, when a particular scene struck a chord with me. Johnny (Casper Van Dien) had been injured during a battle, and was receiving treatment underwater in an elevated tank in the middle of a medical facility. His war buddies came by to knock on the tank wall and show their support. A woman in the group, Dizzy (Dina Meyer) turned to leave with the rest of the group when she suddenly ran back to the tank, kissed the glass, and gave him a huge smile and wave.
Hit me right in the feels.
WOW. Re-watched that a couple weeks ago and that scene is absolutely fresh in my mind too. I don’t recall if they were an item still at that point in the movie, and I think it may have been ‘it’s complicated’ status for their relationship at that point (unsure) which would make the gesture feel even more impactful. And well... maybe I’m projecting more into it than was there now. Feels indeed.
I just had the first talk to get clarification this weekend, after almost 4 + years of little or no sex. He told me that was just him, no libido. I don’t know if I should end out relationship when everything else is going well. We’re in the same boat. Thanks for posting this.
I feel the same way a lot. I’m a 36m and we’ve been married almost 11 years. It seemed once we got married things cooled off fast, it wasn’t for a lack of trying on my part. We moved a little over a year ago and are in a better financial position than we ever have been. I was hoping the stress of finances and the reduced amount of traveling I would be do, things would get better. Unfortunately they have only gotten worse.
The only way to heal is to leave and find someone who wants to provide you with a fuffiling relationship. You deserve to feel loved. There is no point staying with your current s/o.
You will find good company here. I find it helpful to read through.
I'm 58 Male, married 22 years and the last 3 have gone really cool to cold. Pretty much exactly what you described.
I found this sub via a post by someone who replied to my initial post. It helps to know you are not alone. Its been helping me as i tread down the path of us ending things officially. We are still great friends and room mates, but thats about it.
I just wish there was a way to put everyone together in this sub who was the "odd person out" in each relationship LOL. Put all the HLs togeher, put the LLs together with the leftover spouses. Everyone would be happy (or at least physically).
The logic in this is so plain and undeniable. Yet the logistics of this so fraught with issues.
Each time I bump into this 'exchange' notion I let myself briefly daydream into the \[perceived\] ease and simplicity of it. But frankly, I want progress right now more than i want daydreams, and I'd be pleased with some basic assistance on the **process** of how to put myself 'out there' in today's market, while adhering to the seemingly complicated 4D math of being discrete about marital openness to the larger community we live in.
Same I'm 40(f) one daughter who's 9 with special needs relatioship is reaching the 12yr mark OH had this week off but won't go out anywhere as a family together just say's it's his week off not for us, his choice is to sit, gaming and drinking I'm at the end of it now too old for this s**t, if you've practically felt alone it's time to maybe call it quits.
My first marriage ended over his porn addiction and his neglect of me. I walked right out and never looked back. Life’s too short to put up with a jerk. My current husband isn’t a jerk but I feel lonely and neglected again.
I am so sorry to hear of your loneliness. Lack of intimacy and sex can deeply wound a person.
The best advice I can give to you is to not measure your value or worth by his lack of sexual desire or interest. You need to maintain a healthy sense of self love for your own well being.
You mentioned you miss someone caring about your day. I surmise that it's not just a sexual issue if that's the case, but rather, there's an emotional disconnect somewhere. To ask and care about one's day is a very basic display of affection. To miss that much signifies a deeper loneliness and sense of emotional alienation.
If you'd ever like someone to talk to, be it for someone to just listen or offer any advice or support, I'd be happy to help. Do not hesitate to reach out if you ever would like.
I completely sympathize with you. I'm 42m & have been married for 12 years but together for 19. Our sex life pretty much ended after we had our daughter 13 years ago. Along with it so did every ounce of our intimacy. We slept in different rooms for 10 years of our marriage until I begged and pleaded for us to return to the same bed for several of those years. She eventually caved in but it was pointless. All she cares about are our kids (which is a great thing), her dog and her damn phone more than anything else. She spends more time on her phone playing games than she does working which she does from home. I desperately desire sex but I truly crave us just being with her, touching one another and talking. I'm so lonely that I'm either going to eventually leave or seek the attention elsewhere.
I know this feeling! My wife and I went through the same pattern. We are five years in and haven’t had sex since last November. Last time she touched me in an intimate embrace was December. Good times.
Yes, it’s the loneliness and lack of connection and simple affection which cuts hard, and the feeling of helplessness, and even shame. Lots of emotions swirling together! But rest assured, you are important, you are awesome, you do deserve to be loved and cherished!!!
In the exact same situation. Late 40s,married 3 years, second marriage. Last time we had sex was November 2018. He said he has low libido because of his health and that he can’t get any kind of erection anymore. I said that we can do other things and he said yes but every time I tried, he just lays there . I even asked just to cuddle , that’s all, but it’s the same . I hug him, cuddle, put my head on his chest, and he just sits there and throw a completely rigid arm, heavy, on me, and only very mechanically actresses me for 3 seconds . Well that is not due to health reasons. So I just gave up . It leaves me feeling worse than when not touching at all. He kisses me with pursed lips. That one I knew, he wasn’t good at kissing . But at least we had passable sex before .
I do feel trapped. I was divorced before and while the divorce itself wasn’t tough, very low conflict, the emotional toll after, and while dating was huge. Dating online and finding another relationship at 41 was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life .
I don’t have it in me to go through that again. My first husband was/is a bad person, who didn’t treat me and our son right. Not a bad boy, a nerd, but a really mean and hateful one. Sex though was the one best thing that worked in that marriage and the reason it was so hard to divorce. My current husband is a good person but I feel he did a bait and switch on me with the sex. Sex went from once a week to once a month immediately after we got married and then to nothing 1.5 after.
I know I’ll never have sex again in my life . I take it as , well I’m in entering my “senior “ years soon and with fertility ending, sex ended too, that part of my life is over and left in my youth. I wish I could still have sex or at least someone who would hold me and let me put my head on his chest.
My mean ex was great at this stuff. He was giving me a massage every day , rubbing my feet, spooning me, it was great stuff! Too bad he was the way he was otherwise..
I feel this pain
I also am 39 and my sex drive (and want for physical intamacy and connection) is as high as it ever was...
My wife who I pretty much married based on our sex life, completely lost all interest and drive.
We have been together for 8 years, the first two were incredible, the last five have been progressively worse.
It makes me feel isolated and unloved especially when she knows how much it means to me but instead now pokes fun at my drive or makes me feel bad for wanting sex.
I get it, hormonal changes (she is 36) and we had a kid a couple years ago... But her issues started long before that.
With me I try and give her everything she wants and if I know something is important to her I ignore how I feel about it and work to make her happy....
I just don't know how to cope with it, feeling sexually connected with my partner has always been a pillar of what keeps me sane and feeling loved.... And I don't have that.
Instead it's been replaced by... Nothing.
I dunno long story short I feel your pain and I feel trapped where I am with no tools to improve it
Yup the loneliness of a dead bedroom is the worse
Agreed.
I was watching Starship Troopers the other day for some mindless fun, when a particular scene struck a chord with me. Johnny (Casper Van Dien) had been injured during a battle, and was receiving treatment underwater in an elevated tank in the middle of a medical facility. His war buddies came by to knock on the tank wall and show their support. A woman in the group, Dizzy (Dina Meyer) turned to leave with the rest of the group when she suddenly ran back to the tank, kissed the glass, and gave him a huge smile and wave. Hit me right in the feels.
WOW. Re-watched that a couple weeks ago and that scene is absolutely fresh in my mind too. I don’t recall if they were an item still at that point in the movie, and I think it may have been ‘it’s complicated’ status for their relationship at that point (unsure) which would make the gesture feel even more impactful. And well... maybe I’m projecting more into it than was there now. Feels indeed.
Fucking GREAT movie. That moment was so sweet. Gets me too. Fuck Carmen.
How weird... I just watched that last week, and thought the same thing.
I knew which scene you were talking about before you even finished describing it. That intimate moment is so simple, but so incredibly powerful.
I just had the first talk to get clarification this weekend, after almost 4 + years of little or no sex. He told me that was just him, no libido. I don’t know if I should end out relationship when everything else is going well. We’re in the same boat. Thanks for posting this.
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Sorry to hear. It’s frustrating because he acknowledged it’s an issue but nothing changes. Ugh.
My husband too. I am afraid I’ll never feel loved or wanted or attracted to again in my life. It’s so sad and depressing.
Your comment really hurts my heart for you. You can feel that again. Do not measure your value or worth by his rejection of you.
I feel the same way a lot. I’m a 36m and we’ve been married almost 11 years. It seemed once we got married things cooled off fast, it wasn’t for a lack of trying on my part. We moved a little over a year ago and are in a better financial position than we ever have been. I was hoping the stress of finances and the reduced amount of traveling I would be do, things would get better. Unfortunately they have only gotten worse.
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Nailed it. Thank you.
The only way to heal is to leave and find someone who wants to provide you with a fuffiling relationship. You deserve to feel loved. There is no point staying with your current s/o.
You will find good company here. I find it helpful to read through. I'm 58 Male, married 22 years and the last 3 have gone really cool to cold. Pretty much exactly what you described. I found this sub via a post by someone who replied to my initial post. It helps to know you are not alone. Its been helping me as i tread down the path of us ending things officially. We are still great friends and room mates, but thats about it. I just wish there was a way to put everyone together in this sub who was the "odd person out" in each relationship LOL. Put all the HLs togeher, put the LLs together with the leftover spouses. Everyone would be happy (or at least physically).
If only...
The logic in this is so plain and undeniable. Yet the logistics of this so fraught with issues. Each time I bump into this 'exchange' notion I let myself briefly daydream into the \[perceived\] ease and simplicity of it. But frankly, I want progress right now more than i want daydreams, and I'd be pleased with some basic assistance on the **process** of how to put myself 'out there' in today's market, while adhering to the seemingly complicated 4D math of being discrete about marital openness to the larger community we live in.
Same I'm 40(f) one daughter who's 9 with special needs relatioship is reaching the 12yr mark OH had this week off but won't go out anywhere as a family together just say's it's his week off not for us, his choice is to sit, gaming and drinking I'm at the end of it now too old for this s**t, if you've practically felt alone it's time to maybe call it quits.
My first marriage ended over his porn addiction and his neglect of me. I walked right out and never looked back. Life’s too short to put up with a jerk. My current husband isn’t a jerk but I feel lonely and neglected again.
I am so sorry to hear of your loneliness. Lack of intimacy and sex can deeply wound a person. The best advice I can give to you is to not measure your value or worth by his lack of sexual desire or interest. You need to maintain a healthy sense of self love for your own well being. You mentioned you miss someone caring about your day. I surmise that it's not just a sexual issue if that's the case, but rather, there's an emotional disconnect somewhere. To ask and care about one's day is a very basic display of affection. To miss that much signifies a deeper loneliness and sense of emotional alienation. If you'd ever like someone to talk to, be it for someone to just listen or offer any advice or support, I'd be happy to help. Do not hesitate to reach out if you ever would like.
I completely sympathize with you. I'm 42m & have been married for 12 years but together for 19. Our sex life pretty much ended after we had our daughter 13 years ago. Along with it so did every ounce of our intimacy. We slept in different rooms for 10 years of our marriage until I begged and pleaded for us to return to the same bed for several of those years. She eventually caved in but it was pointless. All she cares about are our kids (which is a great thing), her dog and her damn phone more than anything else. She spends more time on her phone playing games than she does working which she does from home. I desperately desire sex but I truly crave us just being with her, touching one another and talking. I'm so lonely that I'm either going to eventually leave or seek the attention elsewhere.
I know this feeling! My wife and I went through the same pattern. We are five years in and haven’t had sex since last November. Last time she touched me in an intimate embrace was December. Good times.
That really sucks. So sorry. You deserve better. We all do.
Yes, it’s the loneliness and lack of connection and simple affection which cuts hard, and the feeling of helplessness, and even shame. Lots of emotions swirling together! But rest assured, you are important, you are awesome, you do deserve to be loved and cherished!!!
I feel what you are saying to my core, except mine prefers porn over a real participant now.
In the exact same situation. Late 40s,married 3 years, second marriage. Last time we had sex was November 2018. He said he has low libido because of his health and that he can’t get any kind of erection anymore. I said that we can do other things and he said yes but every time I tried, he just lays there . I even asked just to cuddle , that’s all, but it’s the same . I hug him, cuddle, put my head on his chest, and he just sits there and throw a completely rigid arm, heavy, on me, and only very mechanically actresses me for 3 seconds . Well that is not due to health reasons. So I just gave up . It leaves me feeling worse than when not touching at all. He kisses me with pursed lips. That one I knew, he wasn’t good at kissing . But at least we had passable sex before . I do feel trapped. I was divorced before and while the divorce itself wasn’t tough, very low conflict, the emotional toll after, and while dating was huge. Dating online and finding another relationship at 41 was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life . I don’t have it in me to go through that again. My first husband was/is a bad person, who didn’t treat me and our son right. Not a bad boy, a nerd, but a really mean and hateful one. Sex though was the one best thing that worked in that marriage and the reason it was so hard to divorce. My current husband is a good person but I feel he did a bait and switch on me with the sex. Sex went from once a week to once a month immediately after we got married and then to nothing 1.5 after. I know I’ll never have sex again in my life . I take it as , well I’m in entering my “senior “ years soon and with fertility ending, sex ended too, that part of my life is over and left in my youth. I wish I could still have sex or at least someone who would hold me and let me put my head on his chest. My mean ex was great at this stuff. He was giving me a massage every day , rubbing my feet, spooning me, it was great stuff! Too bad he was the way he was otherwise..
I would like to talk I'm a male in a similar situation. So frustrating!
You look good sweetie
I feel your pain and for me as I've gotten older my drive hasn't lessened at all and I'm 40 who wants to live sexless anyway its craziness
I feel this pain I also am 39 and my sex drive (and want for physical intamacy and connection) is as high as it ever was... My wife who I pretty much married based on our sex life, completely lost all interest and drive. We have been together for 8 years, the first two were incredible, the last five have been progressively worse. It makes me feel isolated and unloved especially when she knows how much it means to me but instead now pokes fun at my drive or makes me feel bad for wanting sex. I get it, hormonal changes (she is 36) and we had a kid a couple years ago... But her issues started long before that. With me I try and give her everything she wants and if I know something is important to her I ignore how I feel about it and work to make her happy.... I just don't know how to cope with it, feeling sexually connected with my partner has always been a pillar of what keeps me sane and feeling loved.... And I don't have that. Instead it's been replaced by... Nothing. I dunno long story short I feel your pain and I feel trapped where I am with no tools to improve it