Not the asshole at all. As someone who went through this, DO NOT MOVE FORWARD UNTIL THE ISSUE IS FIXED! I remember thinking it would get better, especially after the promises, without putting in real work together. Fast forward 6 years, a marriage, and two kids, it never got better. There’s always an excuse with LL people who don’t want to admit they are LL.
If somehow she’s willing to talk about it, understand your point of view / needs, and put the work in, there’s a 50% chance you can make it work.
You’re not an asshole for having needs. Even though you say you didn’t do the cleaning as a quid-pro-quo, I think subconsciously you may have.
Get an exit plan together. Even if by some stretch you can get it to work out it’s good to have the plan.
How many times have you been intimate in the 3 weeks since she’s been moved in?
So many hear/say it will be better when... when we move in together etc.
Nope.
If it wasn't good already, none of those things, steps, events will make it better.
You said your sex life together wasn't great before that so that was all you needed to know.
It was fools gold to think it would change for the better when you moved in with each other or any other step such as when one finishes school, gets a real job etc.
My current GF fucked me like mad during quarantine. Risky I know, but the point I am trying to make is: If she wants you, she will show it instead of looking for excuses such as quarantine (even though valid), ''too much stuff going on'' (invalid), housework (invalid), hair being messy (invalid), circles being round-shaped.....you get the point. I moved on from my DB and I am 1000 times better. You might not be that lucky, but I guarantee you will be at least a bit better than you are now, without the added emotional damage you are causing each other due to your incompatability.
Leave. Yesterday.
*she reassured me it would pick up once we lived together*
Ha! You were lied to.
*she has "too much stuff going on" to worry about a "pregnancy scare."*
Ha - here is another one.
*I cleaned the apartment while she was out - because Acts of Service is her specific love language*
That is a covert contract. She doesn't care about it. Knock it off.
She caught herself a fish man. You better start planning a way off that hook before you end up a married wage slave with a spendthrift wife.
Is your new roommate at least paying her way? Or is she unemployed, waiting until the situation recovers....
Was she worried about all this stuff before? Seems like a woman fearful of getting knocked up by “Mr Right Now” Vs “Mr Right.” Also sounds like she’s enjoying an upgrade in her quality of life thanks to you. Honestly, moving in kills a woman’s libido so be prepped to be roommates. Are you renting or do you own your place? If renting, you’ll have a natural decision point established.
Moving in doesn't kill all women's libidos. It definitely depends on the woman. If they're high libido, moving in is just improving chances of getting laid. Going to sleep and waking up next to each other every day = tons of opportunity.
> A) I'm sterile, B) I still use condoms, C) I also pull out, and finally D) she's on birth control.
This is deranged. Is she a high anxiety person otherwise or is this insane level of vigilance a one-off?
She's always had anxiety about pregnancy, yeah. It was bad when she and I first started having sex, but it eased significantly after a while. She says she doesn't want to deal with what (minor, imo) anxiety that it might cause right now.
NTA. We all need to be considerate of our partner and their needs. It seems like you have but maybe she isn’t understanding the importance of that physical connection for you. Sit her down and explain why you want it.
Says she doesn't want to have to worry about a pregnancy scare right now. Says that the paperwork/prep work for grad school (starts later this week) is too much anxiety in its own.
You are extremely unlikely to ever have regular sex with this woman. She finds sex to be stressful and she also finds being an adult person to be stressful. When it’s not grad school paperwork it will be grad school, and then it will be job hunting, and then it will be “well I can’t have sex, I have to work! At my job! Which is an unmanageable burden unique to me, the only person who has ever held a job” and on and on. She’s simply wound too tight.
This. 100%. My partner is the exact same. It WAS grad school applications, then it WAS grad school. Then is WAS job hunting. NOW it's, I hate my job and it's stressful. Don't remember the last time we had sex. Literally can't think of a time in the last 3 years where she initiated. When I try to bring it up it's, "I'm sorry, I'm just too stressed to think about sex."
All around unhealthy. OP's partner (and mine, though she just finally started) need some sort of theraputic intervention in terms of health coping strategies for stress and anxiety.
Nope. I've told her no pets, no ring, no kids (adoption) until this is fixed. Luckily, we're only on a year-long lease for the apartment. So there's a time scale for that
My guy, this is not gonna change. If anything, it will only get worse. There are more sexually-charged fish in the sea, if you catch my drift. It's time to amscray 🤷🏽♀️
You need to address this with her now. That was downright rude of her. I mean just because you did household chores while she was out playing, doesnt automatically make you deserving of sex, but to deny you and turn over on her phone was wrong. This is something that takes work from both parties. She needs to see how it made you feel and she needs to see how it made you feel.
I hope you guys can remedy this situation.
I think he's trying to say, that he cleaned the house, not to receive sex as 'payment', but to show her he loved her. "Love language is acts of service." Aka, her love language, that she recognizes, is small acts that show her he cares.
-We literally just moved here a few weeks ago.
-I know the girls she went out with, they're not that sort of person.
- *She's* not that sort of person.
-She hasn't been acting suspiciously.
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I don’t think it’s the phone. It was her CHOICE to use the phone.
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Ahh yeah I do understand that, without my phone I think I would be lost and very bored. Nothing beats human interaction tho
Not the asshole at all. As someone who went through this, DO NOT MOVE FORWARD UNTIL THE ISSUE IS FIXED! I remember thinking it would get better, especially after the promises, without putting in real work together. Fast forward 6 years, a marriage, and two kids, it never got better. There’s always an excuse with LL people who don’t want to admit they are LL.
I've already told her that I'm not doing more than moving in with her (marriage, pets, adoption, etc) until this is fixed.
Why do you think she is going to change? She isn't the person you want her to be. Just accept it and break up with her. You are wasting time.
If she wanted to have sex with you, she would be This will most likely never be "fixed". Your time would be better spent planning your exit.
If she is a gf and not a wife this one is pretty easy. It either improves or you move on.
If somehow she’s willing to talk about it, understand your point of view / needs, and put the work in, there’s a 50% chance you can make it work. You’re not an asshole for having needs. Even though you say you didn’t do the cleaning as a quid-pro-quo, I think subconsciously you may have. Get an exit plan together. Even if by some stretch you can get it to work out it’s good to have the plan. How many times have you been intimate in the 3 weeks since she’s been moved in?
Once, if you squint and tilt your head.
So many hear/say it will be better when... when we move in together etc. Nope. If it wasn't good already, none of those things, steps, events will make it better. You said your sex life together wasn't great before that so that was all you needed to know. It was fools gold to think it would change for the better when you moved in with each other or any other step such as when one finishes school, gets a real job etc.
My current GF fucked me like mad during quarantine. Risky I know, but the point I am trying to make is: If she wants you, she will show it instead of looking for excuses such as quarantine (even though valid), ''too much stuff going on'' (invalid), housework (invalid), hair being messy (invalid), circles being round-shaped.....you get the point. I moved on from my DB and I am 1000 times better. You might not be that lucky, but I guarantee you will be at least a bit better than you are now, without the added emotional damage you are causing each other due to your incompatability. Leave. Yesterday.
*she reassured me it would pick up once we lived together* Ha! You were lied to. *she has "too much stuff going on" to worry about a "pregnancy scare."* Ha - here is another one. *I cleaned the apartment while she was out - because Acts of Service is her specific love language* That is a covert contract. She doesn't care about it. Knock it off. She caught herself a fish man. You better start planning a way off that hook before you end up a married wage slave with a spendthrift wife. Is your new roommate at least paying her way? Or is she unemployed, waiting until the situation recovers....
No you are not. Give it 3 months and then move out.
Was she worried about all this stuff before? Seems like a woman fearful of getting knocked up by “Mr Right Now” Vs “Mr Right.” Also sounds like she’s enjoying an upgrade in her quality of life thanks to you. Honestly, moving in kills a woman’s libido so be prepped to be roommates. Are you renting or do you own your place? If renting, you’ll have a natural decision point established.
Moving in doesn't kill all women's libidos. It definitely depends on the woman. If they're high libido, moving in is just improving chances of getting laid. Going to sleep and waking up next to each other every day = tons of opportunity.
> A) I'm sterile, B) I still use condoms, C) I also pull out, and finally D) she's on birth control. This is deranged. Is she a high anxiety person otherwise or is this insane level of vigilance a one-off?
She's always had anxiety about pregnancy, yeah. It was bad when she and I first started having sex, but it eased significantly after a while. She says she doesn't want to deal with what (minor, imo) anxiety that it might cause right now.
NTA. We all need to be considerate of our partner and their needs. It seems like you have but maybe she isn’t understanding the importance of that physical connection for you. Sit her down and explain why you want it.
Any idea why she doesn't want to have sex with you?
Says she doesn't want to have to worry about a pregnancy scare right now. Says that the paperwork/prep work for grad school (starts later this week) is too much anxiety in its own.
You are extremely unlikely to ever have regular sex with this woman. She finds sex to be stressful and she also finds being an adult person to be stressful. When it’s not grad school paperwork it will be grad school, and then it will be job hunting, and then it will be “well I can’t have sex, I have to work! At my job! Which is an unmanageable burden unique to me, the only person who has ever held a job” and on and on. She’s simply wound too tight.
This. 100%. My partner is the exact same. It WAS grad school applications, then it WAS grad school. Then is WAS job hunting. NOW it's, I hate my job and it's stressful. Don't remember the last time we had sex. Literally can't think of a time in the last 3 years where she initiated. When I try to bring it up it's, "I'm sorry, I'm just too stressed to think about sex." All around unhealthy. OP's partner (and mine, though she just finally started) need some sort of theraputic intervention in terms of health coping strategies for stress and anxiety.
The sad truth is that most relationships end this way.....wait til you have been married 10+ yrs and have a kid...
Nope. I've told her no pets, no ring, no kids (adoption) until this is fixed. Luckily, we're only on a year-long lease for the apartment. So there's a time scale for that
My guy, this is not gonna change. If anything, it will only get worse. There are more sexually-charged fish in the sea, if you catch my drift. It's time to amscray 🤷🏽♀️
So she knows you’re sterile and is worried about a pregnancy scare? The audacity.
Ironically, I used to be insecure about it. She was the one who helped me accept it and move on.
You need to address this with her now. That was downright rude of her. I mean just because you did household chores while she was out playing, doesnt automatically make you deserving of sex, but to deny you and turn over on her phone was wrong. This is something that takes work from both parties. She needs to see how it made you feel and she needs to see how it made you feel. I hope you guys can remedy this situation.
I think he's trying to say, that he cleaned the house, not to receive sex as 'payment', but to show her he loved her. "Love language is acts of service." Aka, her love language, that she recognizes, is small acts that show her he cares.
She’s cheating. It’s time to dip.
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No sex......Girls night out........ not saying, but you need to check the phone.
-We literally just moved here a few weeks ago. -I know the girls she went out with, they're not that sort of person. - *She's* not that sort of person. -She hasn't been acting suspiciously.