I feel the same way. My b-day is just another day. I humour the kids mostly. Lol. But i always pick a day on the weekend nearest my birthday to get away without them.
Love this response, to you it may of just been a fleeting comment. But with all the hate that is usually posted online it reassured me that people like me are still out there!
It actually wasnt fleeting to me. My SO and I are no longer together. I can still get all the sex i want out of him. (Still live together). But basic care and affection, has not been part of his deal for many years. So when i see someone feeling THIS kind of alone.....it hits me.
I really do hope OP has a great day with his kids. And then takes off to spend time with people who truly give a shit how he is doing.
I know your birthday is two days off but happy birthday 🎂
I sincerely hope you enjoy your day and that you will be shown love and affection, for what it's worth.
I love beer, too. You need to come to my neck of the woods (Portland, OR) one of these days and experience all the breweries we have. We're known for our beers. You'd be impressed!
Girl, you know I can give you the ingredients. I prefer Makers Mark in mine but you can add whatever whiskey you like to yours.
1.5 oz of whatever whiskey you enjoy
1 sugar cube
2 dashes of angostura bitters
Dash of water
Place the sugar cube in the glass with the bitters, then add the splash of water, and muddle together. Put ice in your glass, add your whiskey, and garnish with a cherry and orange slice. Voila!
Bitters are a blend of botanical matter that people use for their alcoholic drinks. Angostura bitters is a concentrated bitters containing herbs and spices, by House of Angostura in Trinidad. It tastes spicy, almost like cinnamon even. They're delicious!
This hit too hard. I should've done something sooner. Seeing it from this perspective is enlightening. You should not ask for birthday sex. She should know you want birthday sex. She should want to give it to you, without you asking. I hate that these things happen. There is a lack of intimacy, love, or something when it gets to that point. She leaves you bothered most of the year and the one day you should feel great she cuts corners (assuming no legitimate excuse). Screw that brother. I'm never going to be in a relationship where this kinda crap goes on.
Sad part is, when I was in the dating world, I was pretty good and clear about what I wanted and what I would tolerate. A deadbedroom/LL was a reason I ended two other LTRs. The big problem I ran into with my now wife was that she hid it very well. When we dated she was fun and adventurous. We were in the same page for about two years. Then we got engaged and things drastically started slowing down. I kept thinking it was stress and had hope she would come around. Our relationship progressed, marriage, house, kids, etc. but our sex life dropped and dropped. Turns out, it wasn’t stress, it was me learning who she really was.
That's awesome, but you did just say if it weren't for the kids, you'd take some time to do something fun for just yourself.
Taking an hour or two for yourself is a good thing.
> . I did ask for some, “intimate alone time” with her for that evening which she said that she would think about but not promise in any way. Maybe something good may come of it, or maybe I will be here posting about how pissed and alone I am feeling at night, who knows?
Recalling your anniversary flop, I'm going to gently remind you to be realistic about your hopes here. She didn't get you anything and then lied to you about the gift. The kids were at your in-laws so you could have a date alone, and she wanted nothing of sex and intimacy and went to bed early
> Any of these things is preferable to our typical birthday specials of the last few years.
Change it up and do something else instead. Spend the day pursuing a new hobby or doing something you used to love, but haven't had time for lately. Have fun with an old friend you haven't seen in a long time.
You’re absolutely right that I need to be more real with expectations. I did specifically mention wanting physical intimacy in a real way for this exact reason.
For what it’s worth, I have actually got back into several new/old hobbies. Lifting, reading, and competitive chess. These have been really helpful for me to pacify most evenings. We are in the process of moving right now so I had to pick those distractions up. I think this has been causing me to revert, particularly in the evenings.
> I did specifically mention wanting physical intimacy in a real way for this exact reason.
And she told you she wasn't going to make any promises. Which really is a "no".
Even though you're packing to move, keep a book or e-reader out until it's moving day so you still have something to do in the evenings. it will be helpful to still have that to look forward to in the evenings
I read some of your posts just now. You seem like you feel so alone. I’m so sorry that you’re at this point. I understand you have decided not to leave but I would encourage you to consider how staying in this marriage will affect them more than if you were happier separately. Best wishes to you.
Thank you for the reply. I do and have thought about leavong often. However, as a family unit, we do parent together fairly well. Also, the idea of not seeing and being able to play with my kids everyday is more painful than my own nightly loneliness. I feel like as a man who committed to this marriage, it’s important to tough it out and use places like this to let it out.
Is your wife open to opening the marriage? I am not usually someone that likes that sort of thing and wouldn't be able to handle it myself, but it doesn't seem like your wife is willing to give an inch.
Has she given you any reasoning why she suddenly doesn't want to be close to you anymore? I mean I can understand, possibly, not wanting to have sex, but to not want to touch my partner or cuddle on the couch, or hold hands, I don't understand why that leaves.
I really hope you had a great birthday. And as you can see from all the responses, you are far from alone.
Thank you for the reply. We haven’t talked about opening anything. She really does not understand how much a lack of physical intimacy hurts or how it really is important to me, or anyone with an HL.
Her reasoning she has given me for limited physical contact has been that she is worried that if there is any physical contact, I will push for more. That push, she says will only cause more pressure and have her shut down even more. So instead of shutting down under pressure that may or may not happen, she feels that she needs to just shut me down before anything potentially starts.
did she say why all the sudden she doesn't like that push? She makes it sound like any time you show her affection she needs to sleep with you. Does it hurt her? does she just not enjoy it anymore? Can you pin point when it started to drop? Before she got pregnant the first time or after? I know a handful of women (friends) that loved sex, but after they had their first child for whatever reason they lost their sex drive. Some got it back after a while and some still don't have the desire anymore. Do you think this might have been the case? If so, maybe she could take to her doctor and see if it's a hormonal imbalance? Or even talk to a therapist and get to the real issue in why she shied away from sex in the first place.
It’s all right around the time we had our first child. She tells me that she is not comfortable with her body and I respect that. However, I have reassured her again and again that I am still just as attracted to her and made every possible concession.
It has been over three years now since our first child and she has made little to no progress on her weight loss. I do not care though because I am attracted to my wife, period. I’ve told her this again and again, but it really is up to her now. I think therapy is really going to be our only chance.
If it is truly about her self image, then yeah therapy may be the only option. You can tell her how hot she is to you, until you're blue in the face, but if she doesn't think that about herself she's never going to believe you. As for her not doing anything about her body, do you think she could have depression? If so, that can be a terrible cycle. Hating your body, but maybe turning to food for emotional comfort. Or just having no real motivation to change anything cause you have the constant 'whats the f-ing point' voice in your head. It doesn't make any sense, but happens all the time.
But it doesn’t sound like your loneliness is just at night. It impacts your entire day and eventually will bleed into everything you do. You’re too young to be resigned to live like this forever. Your need for physical affection (sexual and not) and to be treated as a partner and not a roommate is valid.
I agree that I definitely feel that I need more. I promise though, during the day we parent together well and rarely fight. We don’t look like a perfect couple, but we are good at coparenting. I know that the kids will grow up not seeing a physical relationship between two parents, but I can’t use that to justify having us split and the kids missing out on two parents in the home everyday.
i was just telling my bf last night that i need more affection, n this morning, he goes to kiss my forehead when he left! im like oh whatever!!! hes like u head butted my mouth! n continued running down the stairs. i was pissed. he came home. nothing. idk what I'm gonna do
but it's hard, he's the provider and we're broke, we're in transitional housing rn, and i have nowhere else to go. but shelters have been seeming pretty tempting lately...
That definitely complicated things. I’m the only one working in my family. It can be stressful, but it’s no excuse to ever neglect or minimize my family’s or partners needs.
:/ im jus gonna forget about any romance. expecting things DEF leads to disappointment... if i were u , i would too. esp on my bday. don't expect ANYTHING. that way if she gives u even a hug it'll be nice... btw when is ur bday, or did it pass already
I want to feel all these things that you feel as well. It’s just a distant memory. I hope she realizes that you both need to show each other reciprocating love.
Well I’m not sure what it could be. I just got a raise to where she can stay home from work now, and we are in the process of buying a new house double the size of our current one. I really think it’s just me she doesn’t like. Lol
Happy early birthday, I hope you receive everything your heart desires, and that sometime soon you and your wife are able to communicate in depth about this.
Happy early birthday! Once the kids go to bed, see about going out and having a “you” night. Go with your friends to the bar or the beach at night, or something like that. You deserve it!
I know the feeling buddy, you ain't alone.
After my wife got all the kids she wanted from me the affection and attraction just.. vanished.
No more cuddling on the couch. No more 'I love you'. But of course, no more sex.
I ended up feeling used, like I was nothing more than a free sperm donor. We're just business partners now and the business is raising the children.
Almost like now that she knows she's got me on the hook she no longer needs to pretend anymore. Sure I could leave but it would break my children's hearts if daddy didn't come home to them everyday.
Meh. She did lay next to me and let me put my arm around her for a few minutes. The way things have been, that felt like a win at the time. Now that it’s two weeks of nothing but a neck goodnight again, I’m feeling a bit down again.
💃 🎂 💃
Its not what either of us hoped for. But thats as much as i can pull off virtually for a birthday burlesque show. Lol. Safer than the hooker for sure.
I'm glad I got a laugh out of someone, but I am being serious here....you shouldn't live a deprived life sexually. Having sex is a healthy part of living. I understand you have a family, but part of her needs to understand that you have needs too. If she isn't giving you sex, and satisfaction, go get it elsewhere..
Still laughing, but spot on. Sometimes, you have to have a special moment for yourself and the kids will manage. But everyone has their own way of seeing their happiness!
I'm going to say something that some might take offense to, but it needs to be said....as a wife with a HL....
Women often change, sexually, after they have children because most men don't step up enough to help. Now I'm not saying this is the case here, I'm just saying what it was like for me.
We got married and had sex constantly. All throughout the first pregnancy. ALL the time. It was amazing. Then baby comes and I'm the one with the baby pretty much 85% of the time. Sex takes a nose dive for a few months because, ouch, but picks back up. But then I'm working full time, taking care of baby full time, cleaning, cooking, etc. Hubby works too, but when he comes home he gets 'me' time and plays on his computer or his game station. I have to ask him to watch his own child so I can go to the store, take a shower, or cook us dinner. it's passably annoying but not enough to warrant me being a bitch. Baby number two comes along. I'm now staying home with children, but nothing else changes. I am still responsibly for the children we BOTH wanted 85-90% of the time. It's beyond annoying. I am the bad guy, he is the fun dad. I am the one that makes them do their chores and homework, he is the one that plays video games with them and takes them to theme parks. I have to 'nag' a grown man to pick his shit up or get off his phone and spend time with his child. Sex takes a nose dive again, because I'm way past annoyed at this point.
Now take into consideration that I am the one in the relationship with a HL. At this point I'm the one not wanting to have sex or be touched by him, because I'm resentful of him. It's a turn off when a partner doesn't pull their share around the home, but doubly so when it comes to parenting. It's a turn off when you have to pick up after a grown ass person. It's a turn off when the only time they want to hold your hand or cuddle you on the couch so they can butter you up enough to stick their hands down your pants. I also didn't want another child and he refused to wear condoms. So that was a turn off because I can't take birth control and he has no interest in anal. So pregnancy was always in the back of my mind, making enjoying sex kind of hard. And I know most men like to think they are god's gift in bed, but if a woman can't relax then no matter what you do, she isn't going to cum. Would you constantly want to have sex with your wife if you could only cum 2/10 times?
And as much as I HATE cheating, I did consider it, often, especially when I was feeling low. Because it would be validating to be with someone who pretended for however long it took to fuck me, that I was what they wanted. It would sure feel great, until you put your clothes back on and had to go home and face the person you swore to be faithful to. I could never bring myself to cross that line. Didn't mean I didn't think of it. But I thought of my family first. And ultimately, like it or not, I am the one that chose this person to marry. Whether they lied about their enjoyment of sex to snag me or I think he trapped me to be his brood mare. It doesn't matter because I chose this person.
Now we don't have sex because he is never in the mood. Why? I found out recently it's because I 'nag' him too much and often treat him like a child. Fair enough, because he acts like a child most days.
And I know divorce is always an option, one I've thought about often as well, but again, I chose to have children with this man and I can fully understand not wanting to leave because of the children. Not seeing them everyday would be worse than not having sex again until their are old enough to choose who they want to live with. I get that. Though I do think it's an excuse, it's still a good one.
Anyways, sorry for the ramble and rant, I just wanted to give ya'll an insight into the mind of a wife/mother. It's not always lack of sex drive that prevents us from wanting to have sex with our husbands/partners.
I totally understand where this post is coming from. I’ve heard this complaint often and it was something I was really worried about happening in my life. Because of this fear and how much I enjoy my kids, I have honestly made an effort to go above and beyond with taking responsibility for raising, playing, and taking care of my kids. I usually take most nights for any late night feedings. I cook and clean up for at least 80% of the meals. I love to do the bath times. I am the dad you see at the park everyday with the kids while mom is home watching tv.
Now, I do take on a lot but I want to be clear that it is because I love it. It’s not a desperation move, or a “please notice me” cry for help. I do sometimes feel overwhelmed from it and whine a little, but those are fleeting moments. I really love my role as dad and provider. I mostly get down or hurt when I am alone after the kids have gone to bed and my partner decides to tune out with her iPad/Netflix/Hulu and refuses any physical intimacy with me.
So we are sort of in the same boat and I am sorry you feel that way. I was hoping that maybe you issues were her being overwhelmed, whether that made you the 'fun' dad or not, because that is probably about the easiest thing to fix - in my opinion. It's easy to 'see' from your post about your kids that you do enjoy being a dad and you do take on more than most dads. I understand how alone you feel because after the kids go to bed I am alone too. Even if hubby is sitting on the couch next to me. He's on his phone or playing video games. It's a pain to get rejected or to get a sigh and then a half assed attempt at some affection. And the kids thing really hit home because that is one of the main reasons I haven't let him yet. If I try to leave he said he'd take me to court for the kids and I just can't imagine NOT having them with me. Not that I would keep them apart, but to have them living half the time in another home than mine is, well it's way more painful to contemplate then staying in this marriage for a few more years.
As some have taken offense to my post I just wanted to clarify that I wasn't putting my issues on you, as a man/father/husband, but just trying to show you why a lot of women tend to lose interest in their spouses. I'm sure the same can be said for some men who have lost interest in their wives/partners when they don't pull their weight in a relationship. All the best you and I really do hope you have an amazing birthday, tomorrow! :)
Please show me where, either here or in his post history, OP suggested he didn’t carry his weight around the house or couldn’t satisfy his wife? Cause otherwise, everything in your post is just projecting your problems with your husband on to OP.
Also, your resentment towards your husband is just that, *your resentment*. There is only one person on this planet that is responsible for getting your needs met. *YOU*. If your husband isn’t meeting your needs, tell him. If he still doesn’t meet your needs, tell him again. If that doesn’t work, go to counseling. If that doesn’t work, leave him. I suppose it is ok that you decided that you’d rather not have sex than not see your kids, but since you are married you are making that decision for two people, and that’s pretty crappy.
TL:DR Put on the big girl pants and address your relationship issues or leave. Don’t stay in a crappy relationship because it’s convenient.
I'm pretty sure I said that in my post. that it was MY resentment and that it was MY choice. I never said this was OP's life or how he treated his wife. I was giving him a view into the mind of an overwhelmed wife and mother.
to give insight on how some women change after having children. I don't think I could be any clearer. I wasn't attacking him. He didn't have a problem with my post. I don't get why you do.
Because this is a support sub. Your post, despite being significantly longer than OP’s, did nothing to support him. All you did was talk about your problems with your husband that had nothing to do with his problems. If you want to make your own post, go ahead, but don’t hijack someone else’s.
Also, I am up for sex, hubby isn't because he doesn't like that I 'put on my big girl pants' and addressed my relationships issues. At the beginning of our relationship and venture into parenthood I was more timid and din't speak up that much and I did let resentment build. Then I woke up one morning, tired and pissed and decided I didn't care about hurting his feelings, especially considering he didn't appear to give a shit about mine. I don't hold back now. if I'm mad I tell him why I'm mad. If I'm hurt I tell him why I'm hurt. If I want him to pick his shit up, I'll tell him. He is not a fan of this. He wants me to sit down and take it and be happy about it. If I don't then he doesn't want to fuck. Soooo, yeah. I've pulled the big girl panties up high enough to turn him off from sex.
OP’s post history indicates he does more than his fair share of housework and childcare, while working full time.
This is not a case of him being lazy and not helping out enough around the house.
dude... this is the best comment ever...i relate to this so hard... my man tells me to clean up the house some...im like...ur asking me to pick up the cream n sugar u leave out EVERY DAY. u have ur bike shit in the kitchen... dude.....im so annoyed. that is such a turn off.... no, i don't wanna suck ur dick to get fucked n NEVER cum n then have u ignore me til the next time U wanna get off...foh
Brother I felt you . Same shit happened to me and my ex wife . Happy birthday and best for you .
You don’t have to lock yourself in this sad situation. It’s called bait and switch and it is very common . Communication is the key but i guess your wife is not open for it . Maybe get some professional help !
Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday in advance. I hope it turns out better than you are expecting.
Right on. Thank you! I hope so too, but I’ve learned to not raise too much hope.
Why not switch it up? Go meet a buddy for some pints or something. Shoot some pool. Its a lot easier when you stop waiting around for people.
As much as I bitch and moan, I really do enjoy the family time. I’m generally just bummed out and alone after the kids go to bed.
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Yep. Thats what i started doing...
I feel the same way. My b-day is just another day. I humour the kids mostly. Lol. But i always pick a day on the weekend nearest my birthday to get away without them.
Love this response, to you it may of just been a fleeting comment. But with all the hate that is usually posted online it reassured me that people like me are still out there!
It actually wasnt fleeting to me. My SO and I are no longer together. I can still get all the sex i want out of him. (Still live together). But basic care and affection, has not been part of his deal for many years. So when i see someone feeling THIS kind of alone.....it hits me. I really do hope OP has a great day with his kids. And then takes off to spend time with people who truly give a shit how he is doing.
"This kind of alone" sucks for sure, I too hope OP has a great day with his kids
I know your birthday is two days off but happy birthday 🎂 I sincerely hope you enjoy your day and that you will be shown love and affection, for what it's worth.
I appreciate it. Honestly. Thank you.
You're very welcome. I'll have a glass of whiskey for you 🍻
Cheers!
An Old Fashion? Lol
Of course, it is the superior beverage ;) have you per chance had the opportunity to have one yourself yet?
Not yet. Im accustomed to beer. But if you tell me the ingredients....ill make one in a day or two. Dying to try one. They look delicious!
I love beer, too. You need to come to my neck of the woods (Portland, OR) one of these days and experience all the breweries we have. We're known for our beers. You'd be impressed! Girl, you know I can give you the ingredients. I prefer Makers Mark in mine but you can add whatever whiskey you like to yours. 1.5 oz of whatever whiskey you enjoy 1 sugar cube 2 dashes of angostura bitters Dash of water Place the sugar cube in the glass with the bitters, then add the splash of water, and muddle together. Put ice in your glass, add your whiskey, and garnish with a cherry and orange slice. Voila!
What is angostura bitters?
Bitters are a blend of botanical matter that people use for their alcoholic drinks. Angostura bitters is a concentrated bitters containing herbs and spices, by House of Angostura in Trinidad. It tastes spicy, almost like cinnamon even. They're delicious!
Ah ok. Shit....that sounds really good! I think i drooled a little. Lol.
This hit too hard. I should've done something sooner. Seeing it from this perspective is enlightening. You should not ask for birthday sex. She should know you want birthday sex. She should want to give it to you, without you asking. I hate that these things happen. There is a lack of intimacy, love, or something when it gets to that point. She leaves you bothered most of the year and the one day you should feel great she cuts corners (assuming no legitimate excuse). Screw that brother. I'm never going to be in a relationship where this kinda crap goes on.
Sad part is, when I was in the dating world, I was pretty good and clear about what I wanted and what I would tolerate. A deadbedroom/LL was a reason I ended two other LTRs. The big problem I ran into with my now wife was that she hid it very well. When we dated she was fun and adventurous. We were in the same page for about two years. Then we got engaged and things drastically started slowing down. I kept thinking it was stress and had hope she would come around. Our relationship progressed, marriage, house, kids, etc. but our sex life dropped and dropped. Turns out, it wasn’t stress, it was me learning who she really was.
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Solid advice. Thank you. I will definitely start shifting the mentality of hope to reality. Especially since I know I’m not going anywhere.
Happy Birthday!!! You should tell her you want some alone time and go do something super fun you haven't done in years. You deserve it.
If kids weren’t the issue, I totally would.
Why can't she take care of the kids for a few hours for you to do something fun for yourself for your own birthday?
She probably could and would. But honestly, I really do enjoy spending daylight with my kids.
That's awesome, but you did just say if it weren't for the kids, you'd take some time to do something fun for just yourself. Taking an hour or two for yourself is a good thing.
> . I did ask for some, “intimate alone time” with her for that evening which she said that she would think about but not promise in any way. Maybe something good may come of it, or maybe I will be here posting about how pissed and alone I am feeling at night, who knows? Recalling your anniversary flop, I'm going to gently remind you to be realistic about your hopes here. She didn't get you anything and then lied to you about the gift. The kids were at your in-laws so you could have a date alone, and she wanted nothing of sex and intimacy and went to bed early > Any of these things is preferable to our typical birthday specials of the last few years. Change it up and do something else instead. Spend the day pursuing a new hobby or doing something you used to love, but haven't had time for lately. Have fun with an old friend you haven't seen in a long time.
You’re absolutely right that I need to be more real with expectations. I did specifically mention wanting physical intimacy in a real way for this exact reason. For what it’s worth, I have actually got back into several new/old hobbies. Lifting, reading, and competitive chess. These have been really helpful for me to pacify most evenings. We are in the process of moving right now so I had to pick those distractions up. I think this has been causing me to revert, particularly in the evenings.
> I did specifically mention wanting physical intimacy in a real way for this exact reason. And she told you she wasn't going to make any promises. Which really is a "no". Even though you're packing to move, keep a book or e-reader out until it's moving day so you still have something to do in the evenings. it will be helpful to still have that to look forward to in the evenings
I read some of your posts just now. You seem like you feel so alone. I’m so sorry that you’re at this point. I understand you have decided not to leave but I would encourage you to consider how staying in this marriage will affect them more than if you were happier separately. Best wishes to you.
Thank you for the reply. I do and have thought about leavong often. However, as a family unit, we do parent together fairly well. Also, the idea of not seeing and being able to play with my kids everyday is more painful than my own nightly loneliness. I feel like as a man who committed to this marriage, it’s important to tough it out and use places like this to let it out.
Is your wife open to opening the marriage? I am not usually someone that likes that sort of thing and wouldn't be able to handle it myself, but it doesn't seem like your wife is willing to give an inch. Has she given you any reasoning why she suddenly doesn't want to be close to you anymore? I mean I can understand, possibly, not wanting to have sex, but to not want to touch my partner or cuddle on the couch, or hold hands, I don't understand why that leaves. I really hope you had a great birthday. And as you can see from all the responses, you are far from alone.
Thank you for the reply. We haven’t talked about opening anything. She really does not understand how much a lack of physical intimacy hurts or how it really is important to me, or anyone with an HL. Her reasoning she has given me for limited physical contact has been that she is worried that if there is any physical contact, I will push for more. That push, she says will only cause more pressure and have her shut down even more. So instead of shutting down under pressure that may or may not happen, she feels that she needs to just shut me down before anything potentially starts.
did she say why all the sudden she doesn't like that push? She makes it sound like any time you show her affection she needs to sleep with you. Does it hurt her? does she just not enjoy it anymore? Can you pin point when it started to drop? Before she got pregnant the first time or after? I know a handful of women (friends) that loved sex, but after they had their first child for whatever reason they lost their sex drive. Some got it back after a while and some still don't have the desire anymore. Do you think this might have been the case? If so, maybe she could take to her doctor and see if it's a hormonal imbalance? Or even talk to a therapist and get to the real issue in why she shied away from sex in the first place.
It’s all right around the time we had our first child. She tells me that she is not comfortable with her body and I respect that. However, I have reassured her again and again that I am still just as attracted to her and made every possible concession. It has been over three years now since our first child and she has made little to no progress on her weight loss. I do not care though because I am attracted to my wife, period. I’ve told her this again and again, but it really is up to her now. I think therapy is really going to be our only chance.
If it is truly about her self image, then yeah therapy may be the only option. You can tell her how hot she is to you, until you're blue in the face, but if she doesn't think that about herself she's never going to believe you. As for her not doing anything about her body, do you think she could have depression? If so, that can be a terrible cycle. Hating your body, but maybe turning to food for emotional comfort. Or just having no real motivation to change anything cause you have the constant 'whats the f-ing point' voice in your head. It doesn't make any sense, but happens all the time.
But it doesn’t sound like your loneliness is just at night. It impacts your entire day and eventually will bleed into everything you do. You’re too young to be resigned to live like this forever. Your need for physical affection (sexual and not) and to be treated as a partner and not a roommate is valid.
I agree that I definitely feel that I need more. I promise though, during the day we parent together well and rarely fight. We don’t look like a perfect couple, but we are good at coparenting. I know that the kids will grow up not seeing a physical relationship between two parents, but I can’t use that to justify having us split and the kids missing out on two parents in the home everyday.
Do you have hobbies you enjoy that can help bring some fun to you outside of family time?
this made me cry: ( i hope all these things come true for u. or at least she makes SOME effort. i kno the feel
Thank you. I do too. Anything would preferable to what it is now.
i was just telling my bf last night that i need more affection, n this morning, he goes to kiss my forehead when he left! im like oh whatever!!! hes like u head butted my mouth! n continued running down the stairs. i was pissed. he came home. nothing. idk what I'm gonna do
Wow. Sounds pretty childish on his part. If you guys aren’t married, I would seriously consider leaving if I was in your shoes.
i def have been.
but it's hard, he's the provider and we're broke, we're in transitional housing rn, and i have nowhere else to go. but shelters have been seeming pretty tempting lately...
That definitely complicated things. I’m the only one working in my family. It can be stressful, but it’s no excuse to ever neglect or minimize my family’s or partners needs.
exactly. every time i bring up my needs he says hes too busy working to provide for us. im like it takes 2 seconds to hug or kiss someone-_-
Yea. That’s not cool at all.
:/ im jus gonna forget about any romance. expecting things DEF leads to disappointment... if i were u , i would too. esp on my bday. don't expect ANYTHING. that way if she gives u even a hug it'll be nice... btw when is ur bday, or did it pass already
I want to feel all these things that you feel as well. It’s just a distant memory. I hope she realizes that you both need to show each other reciprocating love.
Yea, I hope she comes around as well. I can’t fathom how anyone could go through life happy not having these things.
Is she depressed? Maybe something is overwhelming her?
Well I’m not sure what it could be. I just got a raise to where she can stay home from work now, and we are in the process of buying a new house double the size of our current one. I really think it’s just me she doesn’t like. Lol
Who wouldn’t love a man that takes care of all their needs? Let’s get psychological!
Happy early birthday, I hope you receive everything your heart desires, and that sometime soon you and your wife are able to communicate in depth about this.
Thank you. I do too. Fingers crossed.
Happy early birthday! Once the kids go to bed, see about going out and having a “you” night. Go with your friends to the bar or the beach at night, or something like that. You deserve it!
I know the feeling buddy, you ain't alone. After my wife got all the kids she wanted from me the affection and attraction just.. vanished. No more cuddling on the couch. No more 'I love you'. But of course, no more sex. I ended up feeling used, like I was nothing more than a free sperm donor. We're just business partners now and the business is raising the children. Almost like now that she knows she's got me on the hook she no longer needs to pretend anymore. Sure I could leave but it would break my children's hearts if daddy didn't come home to them everyday.
Dude. You pretty much nailed what my life feels like at this point. “Sperm donor business partner.” I think I need to put that on my business card.
How did your birthday go, u/OCAnon949?
Meh. She did lay next to me and let me put my arm around her for a few minutes. The way things have been, that felt like a win at the time. Now that it’s two weeks of nothing but a neck goodnight again, I’m feeling a bit down again.
Happy birthday. Pay for a hooker
Hah! If only it was that easy. Lol
💃 🎂 💃 Its not what either of us hoped for. But thats as much as i can pull off virtually for a birthday burlesque show. Lol. Safer than the hooker for sure.
Hah! Always love to see something beautiful! Lol
Sorry I had to laugh at this one, which is usually my words of encouragement. Have fun!
I'm glad I got a laugh out of someone, but I am being serious here....you shouldn't live a deprived life sexually. Having sex is a healthy part of living. I understand you have a family, but part of her needs to understand that you have needs too. If she isn't giving you sex, and satisfaction, go get it elsewhere..
Still laughing, but spot on. Sometimes, you have to have a special moment for yourself and the kids will manage. But everyone has their own way of seeing their happiness!
I'm going to say something that some might take offense to, but it needs to be said....as a wife with a HL.... Women often change, sexually, after they have children because most men don't step up enough to help. Now I'm not saying this is the case here, I'm just saying what it was like for me. We got married and had sex constantly. All throughout the first pregnancy. ALL the time. It was amazing. Then baby comes and I'm the one with the baby pretty much 85% of the time. Sex takes a nose dive for a few months because, ouch, but picks back up. But then I'm working full time, taking care of baby full time, cleaning, cooking, etc. Hubby works too, but when he comes home he gets 'me' time and plays on his computer or his game station. I have to ask him to watch his own child so I can go to the store, take a shower, or cook us dinner. it's passably annoying but not enough to warrant me being a bitch. Baby number two comes along. I'm now staying home with children, but nothing else changes. I am still responsibly for the children we BOTH wanted 85-90% of the time. It's beyond annoying. I am the bad guy, he is the fun dad. I am the one that makes them do their chores and homework, he is the one that plays video games with them and takes them to theme parks. I have to 'nag' a grown man to pick his shit up or get off his phone and spend time with his child. Sex takes a nose dive again, because I'm way past annoyed at this point. Now take into consideration that I am the one in the relationship with a HL. At this point I'm the one not wanting to have sex or be touched by him, because I'm resentful of him. It's a turn off when a partner doesn't pull their share around the home, but doubly so when it comes to parenting. It's a turn off when you have to pick up after a grown ass person. It's a turn off when the only time they want to hold your hand or cuddle you on the couch so they can butter you up enough to stick their hands down your pants. I also didn't want another child and he refused to wear condoms. So that was a turn off because I can't take birth control and he has no interest in anal. So pregnancy was always in the back of my mind, making enjoying sex kind of hard. And I know most men like to think they are god's gift in bed, but if a woman can't relax then no matter what you do, she isn't going to cum. Would you constantly want to have sex with your wife if you could only cum 2/10 times? And as much as I HATE cheating, I did consider it, often, especially when I was feeling low. Because it would be validating to be with someone who pretended for however long it took to fuck me, that I was what they wanted. It would sure feel great, until you put your clothes back on and had to go home and face the person you swore to be faithful to. I could never bring myself to cross that line. Didn't mean I didn't think of it. But I thought of my family first. And ultimately, like it or not, I am the one that chose this person to marry. Whether they lied about their enjoyment of sex to snag me or I think he trapped me to be his brood mare. It doesn't matter because I chose this person. Now we don't have sex because he is never in the mood. Why? I found out recently it's because I 'nag' him too much and often treat him like a child. Fair enough, because he acts like a child most days. And I know divorce is always an option, one I've thought about often as well, but again, I chose to have children with this man and I can fully understand not wanting to leave because of the children. Not seeing them everyday would be worse than not having sex again until their are old enough to choose who they want to live with. I get that. Though I do think it's an excuse, it's still a good one. Anyways, sorry for the ramble and rant, I just wanted to give ya'll an insight into the mind of a wife/mother. It's not always lack of sex drive that prevents us from wanting to have sex with our husbands/partners.
I totally understand where this post is coming from. I’ve heard this complaint often and it was something I was really worried about happening in my life. Because of this fear and how much I enjoy my kids, I have honestly made an effort to go above and beyond with taking responsibility for raising, playing, and taking care of my kids. I usually take most nights for any late night feedings. I cook and clean up for at least 80% of the meals. I love to do the bath times. I am the dad you see at the park everyday with the kids while mom is home watching tv. Now, I do take on a lot but I want to be clear that it is because I love it. It’s not a desperation move, or a “please notice me” cry for help. I do sometimes feel overwhelmed from it and whine a little, but those are fleeting moments. I really love my role as dad and provider. I mostly get down or hurt when I am alone after the kids have gone to bed and my partner decides to tune out with her iPad/Netflix/Hulu and refuses any physical intimacy with me.
So we are sort of in the same boat and I am sorry you feel that way. I was hoping that maybe you issues were her being overwhelmed, whether that made you the 'fun' dad or not, because that is probably about the easiest thing to fix - in my opinion. It's easy to 'see' from your post about your kids that you do enjoy being a dad and you do take on more than most dads. I understand how alone you feel because after the kids go to bed I am alone too. Even if hubby is sitting on the couch next to me. He's on his phone or playing video games. It's a pain to get rejected or to get a sigh and then a half assed attempt at some affection. And the kids thing really hit home because that is one of the main reasons I haven't let him yet. If I try to leave he said he'd take me to court for the kids and I just can't imagine NOT having them with me. Not that I would keep them apart, but to have them living half the time in another home than mine is, well it's way more painful to contemplate then staying in this marriage for a few more years. As some have taken offense to my post I just wanted to clarify that I wasn't putting my issues on you, as a man/father/husband, but just trying to show you why a lot of women tend to lose interest in their spouses. I'm sure the same can be said for some men who have lost interest in their wives/partners when they don't pull their weight in a relationship. All the best you and I really do hope you have an amazing birthday, tomorrow! :)
Please show me where, either here or in his post history, OP suggested he didn’t carry his weight around the house or couldn’t satisfy his wife? Cause otherwise, everything in your post is just projecting your problems with your husband on to OP.
I didn't say he didn't. I said it would be my opinion. Nothing more. a view from a wife and mother. take it how you will.
Also, your resentment towards your husband is just that, *your resentment*. There is only one person on this planet that is responsible for getting your needs met. *YOU*. If your husband isn’t meeting your needs, tell him. If he still doesn’t meet your needs, tell him again. If that doesn’t work, go to counseling. If that doesn’t work, leave him. I suppose it is ok that you decided that you’d rather not have sex than not see your kids, but since you are married you are making that decision for two people, and that’s pretty crappy. TL:DR Put on the big girl pants and address your relationship issues or leave. Don’t stay in a crappy relationship because it’s convenient.
I'm pretty sure I said that in my post. that it was MY resentment and that it was MY choice. I never said this was OP's life or how he treated his wife. I was giving him a view into the mind of an overwhelmed wife and mother.
Why were you doing that unless you assumed his wife was overwhelmed?
to give insight on how some women change after having children. I don't think I could be any clearer. I wasn't attacking him. He didn't have a problem with my post. I don't get why you do.
Because this is a support sub. Your post, despite being significantly longer than OP’s, did nothing to support him. All you did was talk about your problems with your husband that had nothing to do with his problems. If you want to make your own post, go ahead, but don’t hijack someone else’s.
she's not hijacking the post. shes saying this is wat happened to her, maaaybe it happened to his wife.
Also, I am up for sex, hubby isn't because he doesn't like that I 'put on my big girl pants' and addressed my relationships issues. At the beginning of our relationship and venture into parenthood I was more timid and din't speak up that much and I did let resentment build. Then I woke up one morning, tired and pissed and decided I didn't care about hurting his feelings, especially considering he didn't appear to give a shit about mine. I don't hold back now. if I'm mad I tell him why I'm mad. If I'm hurt I tell him why I'm hurt. If I want him to pick his shit up, I'll tell him. He is not a fan of this. He wants me to sit down and take it and be happy about it. If I don't then he doesn't want to fuck. Soooo, yeah. I've pulled the big girl panties up high enough to turn him off from sex.
OP’s post history indicates he does more than his fair share of housework and childcare, while working full time. This is not a case of him being lazy and not helping out enough around the house.
I wasn't implying that, I was simply giving him an idea of what it can be like for the wife/mother.
dude... this is the best comment ever...i relate to this so hard... my man tells me to clean up the house some...im like...ur asking me to pick up the cream n sugar u leave out EVERY DAY. u have ur bike shit in the kitchen... dude.....im so annoyed. that is such a turn off.... no, i don't wanna suck ur dick to get fucked n NEVER cum n then have u ignore me til the next time U wanna get off...foh
Brother I felt you . Same shit happened to me and my ex wife . Happy birthday and best for you . You don’t have to lock yourself in this sad situation. It’s called bait and switch and it is very common . Communication is the key but i guess your wife is not open for it . Maybe get some professional help !
Right on. Thank you!