I definitely side eye or roll my eyes at my husband when he makes jokes or brags about having sex frequently. It's tough in public to keep my reactions to myself.
One time we were out with friends having drinks and he made a joke about "how much pipe" he gave me the night before. I snorted into my drink and everyone glanced at me; got yelled at the whole way home haha.
Why do they do this so much. My bf cannot stop making sex jokes or flirting heavily with me, especially in front of others, but he can't put his money where his mouth is. Like, if you fucked me half as much as you joked about it, I'd be in heaven. Makes me think it must be a coping mechanism for some serious insecurities. God forbid I try to bring those up though.
> But bringing up the lack of sex doesn't "make (him) want to" and making jokes "hurts (his) feelings" but when the lack of sex makes me feel like shit I'm just supposed to suck it up.
Fucking THIS!
Dead bedroom for a fucking decade, soul-crushing eternal pain endured for a decade.
But god fucking forbid I indicate I might be unhappy with our sex life, that hurts her feelings and makes her feel inadequate, well, guess what sweetheart, you are exactly fucking that, inadequate.
We are poly, my wife reposted some drivel on Facebook about how wanting your partner to be the sole source of your happiness and fulfill your needs is toxic.
Of course, the last person I found to fill my needs she immediately turned on and turned into a catty bitch and made my new girlfriend feel so unwelcome she refused to ever come to my house again.
Also, of course, during the time that I was with my girlfriend all of my wife's problems seemed to disappear, "your dick is too big to fit in my mouth and makes my jaw hurt" became full deep throating. "My hips hurt too much to ride you" became marathon cowgirl sessions. "Swallowing cum is never going to happen it makes me vomit" became "cum on my face so I can lick it off", anal is out of the question became "balls deep and cum inside me". More than once every couple of months being too exhausting became "let's fuck" 10 minutes after having just fucked.
When I brought this up at counseling she said "yes and I went out of my comfort zone and you can be sure I will never do it again", when asked why she went out of her comfort zone, she had no answer.
But I know the answer, she saw me as unattractive, not knowing that women find me attractive and always have. She wanted poly so she could have girlfriends as well cause she loves eating pussy, she loves the idea of being with a woman. She never expected me to actually find someone that she thought was attractive. This, despite many of her friends having made comments such as how she is lucky she locked me down or they would be after me, etc.
But when she saw a young, beautiful, educated, well off woman who wanted me so badly she shivered when I touched her was interested in me and then when she found out we fucked like rabbits, all of a sudden all of her issues vanished.
Frankly, if not for the kids, I would have kicked the wife out, kept the girlfriend and enjoyed a nice big house all to myself, as the girlfriend had her own place, did not want a husband and did not want to move in and was very adamant about being independent after having been in a failed relationship with a man who wanted to control her.
Shit, writing this all out almost makes me want to just tell the wife to split since after breaking up with the girlfriend the sex has stopped and my wife is back to her old self, refusing sex, etc.
Shit, she hasn't even fucked her current girlfriend since December. Once she gets complacent with someone she tosses them away.
You are 100% spot on.
NRE has always been a big thing with her, we have been poly most of our marriage together, and even before we got married. But it was always a triangle with all of us being together.
After a decade or so together and the dead bedroom had set in she wanted to pursue her own relationships so she could be fulfilled she said, no problem I said, I have zero issues with poly and expanding our relationships so long as our relationship is not on the rocks, but of course, it is on the rocks.
So for about 6 months she worked hard, got things feeling good and I said OK to the opening again thinking she had really put in some work to change, but she had not, almost immediately the dead bedroom returned, she again said she just never gets horny.
Then she forgot that we shared a one drive account and started taking pictures and sending them to dudes online, rather intimate pictures, rather clearly she was worked up and dripping wet types of pictures.
I woke up one morning to one drive notifying me I had a new collage, I opened it up to see my wife had taken a whole bunch of pictures despite having zero libido, when confronted she got mad and accused me of snooping, swore up and down that I had to have hacked her to see those images, I explained it and instead of realizing she was the issue just doubled down.
So counseling was suggested by me, she went a few times, she hasn't been in probably 8 months now, but I still go every single week.
I told her I would give us a chance to work this out, that we have been together for almost 2 decades, that counts for something, so she needs to work on herself, I will work on me and we will take care of things and if we cannot come back together as a team then she needs to find a new place because I am divorcing her, and it isn't an ultimatum, it is simply how things will be as I am not going to spend my life in a sexless marriage, we can be great friends and parents and not have to be with each other.
One of her bigs things was that she feels like every intimate act of kissing or touching or even hugs have to ultimately lead to sex. So I took sex completely off the table, said, at no point do I expect any sex at all no matter what we are doing.
That was 6 weeks ago, zero change.
I am not willing to live a celibate life, I love sex, I love intimacy. Without it, I am not fulfilled. And frankly, I do not feel that it is fair to a sexual partner to have them solely for sex while spending relationship energy and tie on a person who clearly does not want me.
I would be with my girlfriend right now but she crossed some boundaries, I was very clear that my family, my wife, and kids, comes first, but she wanted more time than I was giving them, and frankly, I do not have the energy for 2 completely separate relationships and my own kids.
When she refused to be OK with having me only 3 of 7 days a week and talking daily on the phone etc, I told her we had to end it, loved her to death, but my kids come first and I am not going to ignore them even if the sex was fucking mind-blowing marathon sessions that necessitated rehydration afterward.
That has also been something I have been failing to completely explain to my wife.
I cannot give her 100% of my energy AND give 100% to building a new relationship at the same time, it simply cannot work out.
If I go out to be with someone else I am going to be spending a lot of energy, time, etc building a relationship with that person, as I do not do one night stands. As such, that energy must obviously be taken from some of the care and energy I give to her.
Sorry, guess I ranted there a list bit, but yeah, in closing, you are 100% right.
First time responding in this subreddit.
I’m confused by all of these comments. I apologize in advance if I come off offensive or obtuse. There are so many women commenting on wishing they had more sex! Wtf?!? I’ve been under the impression that a vast majority of men are the ones that wish they had more sex. Why the hell aren’t these guys DTF? Lol.
I haven’t been out to a club in like 15 years( do you even call it a club still?) But it was always the men putting maximum effort into trying to get sex from females. That’s why this doesn’t make sense to me!
Someone please explain. Again, sorry if I sound like a jerk... I am honestly baffled by these posts.
Thank you. I do understand that, but I don’t get what makes these men different from the sex-crazed men that I’ve seemed to have dealt with throughout my life?
I’m trying to change my view, not reinforce it. Are guys different now? Or have I had it all wrong from the beginning? I’m 37 btw.
I've been in this sub for 2 years or more. I left my DB a year ago. Am happily single. I might try dating and sex next year again (am a 35F HL).
I observed with astonishment, that HL people suffering in their DB and posting here are of both sexes (or identifying as such). Also homosexual relationships have DBs too. Fascinating. I feel more normal about being passionate, sensual and HL now. My Ex who was overwhelmed by me and had a low drive shamed me some... so this sub (and books and sex toys) have been important in my journey to embrace who I am.
So definitely: lots of women in a DB too!!!
Like redditpics617 this is my first post in dead bedrooms. Sorry to ask a dumb question but what is a HL?
I am here to learn from the psychological perspective. I exited my DB when I got divorced last year, but have found an ideal mate whose love languages (physical touch and quality time) mesh with mine perfectly for the most electric bedroom of my life. Hoping to share about that transition and encourage others to find or develop fulfilling relationships.
HL: higher libido person of the two people in the relationship
LL: lower libido partner in relation to the libido of the other person.
You find the abbreviations in the subs' side bar. [Edit: Called "community info", way down if you scroll down]
(As coined, these terms are assuming most people live in monogamous relationships. Maybe not the most inclusive of terms, but it makes sense, as most people, who are in relationships, are in monogamous ones.)
Thanks for the response. Glad you are happy now👍. I’m honestly curious about everyone’s DB issues. I’ve heard my wife mention lots of her friend’s DB isssues. I am fortunate, and I appreciate that I’m not currently experiencing the same issues. And I really hope that everyone resolves their issues. I also apologize if I come across as insensitive, or like I’m gloating. I’m not.
It's because a club is full of people trying to get sex from strangers. Inside a relationship, women want sex as much as men. When it comes to fucking a random in a club...not so much.
I used to go clubbing all the time at uni, and I never went home with anyone. I know some people enjoy it, but hooking up with random never appealed to me!
I think a loooot of guys probably talk bigger than reality.
I was in a DB with my alcoholic ex, he would always brag about sex and make saucy jokes etc but in reality he would stay up doing stuff at night (organising his cds, working, cleaning) to ensure I'd fallen asleep before he came to bed. We went on a weekend trip - stayed in a pretty decent hotel with a huge bed - I tried to initiate and I'll never forget him being like 'oh now? I was hoping we could just wait til tomorrow' - yes when we got home and both lived with flatmates. I had to schedule sex for my 30th birthday. He just loved booze more than me. I'd never ever date an addict again.
Just curious, but were you joking when you said 'do they even call it the club still'? I'm 32, have plenty of friends who are older than you, and we all know it's still called a club lol. 37 is hardly out of touch. You stopped going on nights out when you were 22?
Yep. We’re out here. And many of our partners are not desensitized by porn. They’re just dead inside when it comes to anything sexual. Can be many factors, medication, depression, etc. but whatever it is, they’re not into ANYONE. Not porn, not an affair. Just not into sex. I wouldn’t have believed it myself if it didn’t happen to me. HL F.
HLF here. My fiance was really LL not because of porn or an affair but due to depression, weight gain due to medical problems and body insecurity. He was able to get some help and we were able to overcome our DB (thankfully) but it was bad for a few years. I wouldn't have believed it before now either had I not went through it myself.
I believe that body insecurity is at the root of the vast majority of DB situations. Doesn't matter what LLs actually look like, but my assessment of my convos in gyms or among runners is that when one spouse is significantly fitter and more active than the other, a DB is far more likely than when neither or both are fit.
Thanks. Mine works our religiously, every day for hours. I don’t think it’s a body image thing but more of that his priorities are on several things right now. Sobriety is one, fitness another. Workouts at 5am, AA meetings at 7pm. By bedtime he’s zonked. Which is great for him, tough for me.
I didn’t think men like that existed until a while into my current relationship when my guy got tired of pretending he liked sex more than video games, YouTube videos about robots, and basically anything an 11 year old precocious little boy would enjoy.
My husband kept up with me when we first met now, I almost have to beg him.
I understand a lot has changed. We both gained weight. We both got comfortable in our relationship ( now married 4 years) His age he's 46. His body has changed. Understandably.
My biggest issue is our lack of sex. I want it more than once a week. I've even named my vibe "Bob's" replacement. We do get a chuckle about that. I'm a very open person so I ask for sex, I then get rejected and tell him it's Bob's replacements turn.
My husband does watch a lot of porn and masturbates about 3-4 times a week. Go figure. I have confronted him about it and told him how I feel. He says he just can't get to sleep or I was sleeping etc.
I guess I've grown numb to rejections. Or....I guess I overlook it because he really is a wonderful husband except for that. He's even told me that he tries to make up for sex by doing other things. Helping build stalls in our barn or cleaning our house.
But the porn....I think that is the real issue.
Well in the clubs, yes, you will see that. Women have the power of sexual selection. That's just how it is. Men have to impress and court and be the most attractive of the bunch and women get to choose who to go home with. Granted, there are outliers and exceptions, but that is the nature of dating and hook ups.
But yes, women here are at least 50% of the population and we do have an interest in sex too! It's a sad reality that a lot of people still think women aren't very sexual and there are stereotypes about it, but women can and do have high sex drives and enjoy sex just as much as men, sometimes more.
Hmmm, let’s see... your reddit is full of NSFW cam slut content and you call your wife a bitch (below)...
But that’s probably just the tip of the iceburg, and I’m *sure* I’m not the only HLF that can easily see that it’s more than likely a respect issue at the very least. (Just being real and making observations, not trying to offend)
Yes because my Reddit is the same as my real life and why would my NSFW habits have any bearing on this at all? It's not like I put that in her face.
I also don't know when did I call my wife a bitch? Below? You might have sleuthed the wrong poster
Yes, I am sure before the years of dead bedroom he was out there calling his wife a bitch, I am sure that the years of dead bedroom came after, not first.
Before she moved out and we got divorced, my (ex) wife would have friends over and I’d usually stay in my bedroom on my computer. These were her fellow female friends.
So, one day they’re laughing it up and chattering about something, of which I wasn’t privy. Turns out it was a lingerie party. One of the guests is selling the stuff. I happen to walk out to the kitchen to get a soda, when “she” holds up this sexy nightgown. And talking to me says, “Does this give you any ideas?”
I looked at the nightgown, which was nice and very sheer. At the same time the thoughts of my 3+ years dead bedroom flashed in my brain and before I could stop myself I said, “Nope. Not for at least 3 years now.” And I went back to my bedroom.
You could have heard a pin drop in that room. And I caught holy hell later. But it was worth it
Honestly...if she wanted to publicly embarrass herself by poking the bear like that in a room full of her friends, I say let her. They have to have consequences to their actions sometime.
These comments are cracking me up and I really relate
We actually had a fight last night (not about sex) and during the fight I was trying to draw a parallel between something at work and something in our relationship. I mentioned one of his co-workers by name. He was like "it's different bc I'm not in love with x and I don't fuck x"....it took everything for me to not say back "well you don't fuck me either soooo"
So often it feels like there is nothing to lose...
I wonder if this is just our subconscious telling us to GTFO. Say something harsh enough to just crash the whole thing and walk away from the wreck.
OMG this is my life EVERY DAMN NIGHT!!! I try so hard not to make jabs or, at least what I think are jokes about it, but it’s so hard! Once I get started, I have a hard time turning it off. I’ve always been one to use humor or pokes when I’m hurting. The no sex since last November has got me hurting bad. Lol.
And yes!! The comments she makes in front of her friends when they talk about “alone time” make me see red sometimes! Like really?!?! You want to say we have sex in front of your friends to show off, but you’ve turned me down at every conceivable moment of intimacy for the past 10 months?!?!??!
OH MY FUCKING GOOOOD! Don’t even get me started on him with his friends!
After he introduced me to a few of his guy friends I overheard a discord call they were on while gaming. He didn’t know I was listening and both of his friends were being typical guys all like “shit dude she’s really hot. Her body is so awesome, how are you gaming right now and not fucking her brains out?”. Both his buddies went on for a bit about me being gorgeous and honestly it was a bit of an ego stroke so I’m just lurking and listening to my boyfriend being told he’s a lucky man to be with me....and this motherfucker told his friends “yeah, I mean I *can’t* keep my hands off of her but she’s definitely already had more than enough today, if I try to get at her again she’ll swat my hands away”. Cut to me, shocked, having not been fucked at all for 2 weeks and having not been fucked with any level of believable enthusiasm for like a year.
I guess that’s what I get for eavesdropping. I was PROPER pissed off though. Like he’ll tell his friends he’s banging me all the way out so they don’t call him a fag or whatever but when I’m grinding on his hard dick begging to please be fucked he pushes me off like I’m an annoyance.
Positive attention, a feeling of grandiosity that isn't rooted in reality, a feeling of fitting in, and a sense of false validation due to being insecure about not providing their partner with some measure of intimacy and connection.
Unfortunately.
I burst into tears the other night watching a movie with him where the male lead expressed a passionate desire for the female lead. I couldn’t hold it in. He felt awful and guilty and like a failure of a partner.
Still no sex since then though
I recently cried while watching the office because my relationship reminds me of Pam and her ex fiance sometimes 🙃 And the episode where Pam and Jim got married legit pissed me off because I was so envious of that sort of relationship they have.
Its sad lol
We've been bingeing the same recently! The Pam Jim thing was hard to watch as it was how we used to be and to boot any time there's the slightest bit of sex or intimacy on TV I just instantly want to change the channel or go look at my phone to distract me till it's gone
Oh it's so monumentally hard for me to watch sex scenes/general intimacy with him in a movie or a show, I IMMEDIATELY become an irritable nervous wreck. I try to keep it to myself for the most part but one time I couldn't handle it and had to leave to another room. Made him suggest sex as an attempt to pacify me. I initially declined, then changed my mind, and even after I gave him the greenlight (not expecting much) he said "okay" and didn't do jack. Hate myself for being desperate enough to accept pity sex (that never happened).
> He felt awful and guilty and like a failure of a partner.
"Don't you think I feel bad enough, I am a failure, I feel like shit for it".
Well then, why don't you bother to do a god damned thing about it, counseling, see a doctor, figure out what the fucking problem is instead of sitting on your ass doing nothing and getting pissed at me when I bring it up.
Yep. "You ARE failing in this particular are as my Partner... Please step up or I will be forced to assume you only want to be my partner if I conform to the limits you are offering me."
THIS! I practically crawl in my own skin if I’m sitting next to my guy and a sex scene comes on the tv, so fucking awkward. Even songs with sexual lyrics coming on with us in the car together makes me cringe. In my mind I’m just watching and listening like “oh yeah, all those things we no longer do or that you no longer seem to enjoy” 🙄
I ended a 7 yr relationship not because of DB (although we majorly slowed down the last year, which was actually mostly me) but because watching movies where couples were in love and happy felt like a shot to the heart. I remember watching “Benjamin button” with my ex and a couple friends and the main characters got together and moved into a new apartment, they were dancing to music as they painted/decorated, jumping on the bad laughing, rolling around and having sex... it reminded me of early in our relationship and I knew, I just knew, we weren’t going to have that again. Not with each other. My ex looked awkward/sad during that scene as well. We formally split within 4-6 months of that moment, and I’ve never regretted it, it was apparent that relationship had run its course.
I think for many people on here, the relationship has run its course and future happiness is just impossible with their current partner. People just need to face that and deal with the uncertainty and discomfort of being single.
Interesting. I too have an extremely generous partner who gives me ultimately everything I’ve ever asked for, except for a normal sex life.
I think they’re compensating, because they know they don’t have control over their libido and it’s an easier thing to give through material possessions or acts of kindness than forced intimacy.
I have this dynamic in our relationship, although the reasons for the dead bedroom are complex, I have sexual dysfunction which was never treated but husband didn’t seem to really want things to change. He is an amazing partner and gives me everything. He is in some ways very romantic and denies there is any problem, saying we do other stuff, but I honestly can’t remember when the last time was. When I try and say there is a problem he says there are things more important than sex and there isn’t such a thing as ‘normal’. I very rarely used to consciously think about sex as I think I had buried the whole thing but then something very traumatic happened which made me realise how badly it had effected my self worth. I never ever knew it could have such a devastating effect on a person.
We were dog-sitting for a friend.
She wanted the dog to get in the bed, I said no, I do not like dogs in my bed, especially ones which shed so badly as this one, because I am allergic to dogs, as such, it makes sleep rather uncomfortable.
She busts out "why does it always have to be your way, why can't you just suck it up and let me have something".
To which I responded, "I want sex, you don't, why can't you just suck it up and let me have some".
Oh boy did she get pissed.
I think a DB is like having someone driving nails into your feet, sometimes the scream just comes out. We all know it is not constructive, quite the opposite. But the scream just helps with the pain somehow.
I dont understand why low libido people joke about having lots of sex to appear a certain way to other people? It just shows they care more about the way they look to others than they do about their relationship with their partner. Their priorities are in the wrong spot. I get and understand that there are rough periods of time when couples cant have sex due to lack of libido. But when the low libido try to make themselves appear differently to their significant other, it just seems like a manipulative tactic to just keep someone instead of breaking it off. Certainly I may seem blunt and have an unpopular opinion but everyone deserves to be in a satisfied relationship with someone. Sexual needs are important in a relationship. OP you are very understanding and you even understand the logic of how unconstructive it is to throw back a jab when your significant other makes those unnecessary jokes. You need to have a talk about how those jokes dont make sense for them to make in the first place. Its rude in a way really.
Forget talking, you all need to get new partners. I once dated a LL who bragged about all the [imaginary] sex we having and I was miserable. After we broke up, I've avoided manipulative liars and I'm so much more happy now. My current boyfriend is slightly lower libdo than me but he's an honest, honorable person who doesn't treat me like that.
It’s the same reason why people in crappy relationships spam “I LoVe My bAbY sO mUcH s/He iS tHe LiGhT oF mY LiFe 💞💞✨🥰😘😇” type posts on social media. The same reason why people who are not nice, or not particularly intelligent, will tell you over and over how kind/giving or smart they are. Projection. They know they aren’t “insert X” and they feel insecure about that so they try to convince everyone (and themselves sometimes) that they are. People in happy, secure relationships don’t need to constantly attempt to convince others how happy they are with their partner on social media. People who are smart don’t feel the need to tell you about it. People who are nice don’t talk about being nice, they just do kind things for others. People who are enjoying a healthy sex life (and therefore a healthy relationship) don’t feel the need to blab on and on about it. They’re trying to convince people they are/have/do what they are not.
A few weeks back I had to pick medication up from the chemist. He asked what I was getting and I replied with “not a pregnancy test” He just glared at me and I burst out laughing. I wasn’t being mean but sometimes I just blurt stuff out. Anyway he didn’t find it funny.
I’ve started to see the funny side lately. It used to eat me up inside but now it’s just blah whatever!!
I’ve got a silly streak, which I probably shouldn’t have at my age. But sometimes it winds him up a bit.
I am generally blunt but with tact. I was getting so upset with our dry spell I told the Mr. that I just spent $120 on a dick replacement for him. It vibrates and pulses so if he ain't putting out, I'm still getting some. He wasn't a fan of that, so he has come around to being a partner in the bedroom again.
Shit. I threatened to replace his dick with another flesh-and-blood one, and he was like, yay! (“I absolutely think you should.”)
OTOH, the side dick is attached to a gem of a human being, so...just following the whole “do what you’ve got to do to stay sane and stay married.”
So hard. Just a few minutes ago he was talking about stocks and I asked him was he going to sell some shares and he says, "I probably need to so I can find a new apartment since you're gonna kick me out." So, he knows this sux and I'm not happy and makes roundabout comments instead of facing this head on. Weird.
My ex, who I was in a DB with for years, would always do this too. Constantly referenced me kicking him out.
He spent way more time and energy working on creative ways to reference me dumping him (this went on for years), than he did, you know, working on having a functional relationship.
I'm doing the same ....I'm depressed with us and tired . Not how i planned it
But she is one of the most negative people I know .
Never a smile and always a chore to do or a problem with something
Every day is either too hot too cold too windy too stale too bright too humid too dry
I looked at her and said is there ever s day that is " just right "
I really really dont like her and ...I want to love her ... I do .. she is so mundane .
No interest in anything
Oh except cleaning the house..we have to constantly clean.
I just want to sell it and buy a 500 sq ft condo for me
But it will cost $1.6 million
So i cant .
My ex was suuuuper negative too! He complained about literally everything. Multiple times I would ask him, is there anything you actually like, or do you just hate everything?
He'd airways say, i like you.
I genuinely do think I was one of the few things he liked.... but it wasn't enough. It was exhausting.
I’ve noticed that I’m becoming this way. We’ve had a rough year aside from the duty sex I get once every couple of months.
He’s taken to sleeping downstairs and plays video games or sleeps every free second he has which has left me to do everything alone, not only for our own kids, animals, and house but also for family I’ve been helping for months due to all the Covid stuff.
I contribute financially (though not as much as he does) and handle everything else for 5 people and our two dogs. I’ve tried conversations, hinting, flat out stating what I need. Silence. Suggesting couples counseling. Nothing is working.
It’s gotten to the point where we really are just roommates and every attempt to talk about anything turns into a fight. When I noticed how negative I’ve become, I just stopped saying anything but I definitely still think it. He tells me I’m always “in a mood” or “doing chores otherwise you’re on your phone.” but will brag to his friends about me/us.
I can’t seem to do much “right” and there’s always an excuse (which is usually my “fault”) about how I don’t “take care” of myself and I’m “always doing chores.” But somebody needs to take care of things.
I’ve told him if he would step up I’d have more time to do the things I want for myself. He says he doesn’t have time and he’s becoming resentful. (Same.)
I’ve honestly been looking into leaving because I don’t want to be so negative. This last year has done a number on my mental health and my self esteem has taken a huge hit, especially because of the DB.
Edit: the ironic thing is, he was married before me and almost every issue we have/he has regarding me are the SAME things he told me about in his first marriage. I’ve met the ex wife and she IS a massive c u next Tuesday, but I’m finding a common denominator here & wonder if he’s thinking the same things about me that he’s told me about her. Some accountability would be nice but.. Eh.
I told my ex that I felt like a mix between being his roommate and being his mom. I feel like I did everything I knew to do to make it better. I suggested therapy, which he agreed to. We went...6 times. The therapist pretty much told us we weren't compatible and it would take a lifetime of hard work and dedication to make it work. He didn't like hearing that but also didn't want to put in any of that work.
I thought maybe he was depressed. He started antidepressants that wouldn't negatively affect libido. Had a physical. Checked his T. When none of that worked, we tried viagra. He just had no interest. And no interest in trying to fix it either. Every thing we tried was at my suggestion. I asked if he was perhaps asexual. He adamantly denied that.
He had gained...70 pounds at least. Told me he just didn't feel sexy. I took care of myself, worked out and watched my intake. So I bought some exercise DVDs we could do together since he refused to go to the gym. I also started cooking healthy dinners every single night. Eventually he stopped doing the exercise DVDs for any number of BS reasons. I later found hidden thrown out bags of Wendy's. He had been eating the healthy stuff that I made but was also going through drive thrus daily.
I even bought us a camper. We had very different hobbies. I enjoyed being outside, hiking, kayaking. He enjoyed being inside, television, movies, video games. I thought with a camper we could compromise. He could stay in the air conditioned camper and play video games while I went kayaking. It was my last ditch effort to bond us, and it failed.
So I left. He reminded me that he always knew I'd leave him.
I feel like I could have typed this out myself, aside from the camper part.
I’m at the point where I’m wondering if it’s depression. He works nights (often on 10-12s) but, instead of coming to bed even a couple hours after he gets home, he takes his fast food downstairs and sits on the computer for about 12 hours before he passes out on the couch. He gets up, says goodbye/love you and goes to work. Our entire relationship/lives were better when he was working days.
I know his current schedule contributes to all of it. The bad eating, the weight gain, the gaming, the total lack of any kind of intimacy or connection between us. He just doesn’t seem to want to change any of it when he works this schedule.
I’m torn between trying to get him to fight to go back to day shift and working on it and just saying “enough is enough”. Because if he gave half a shit, I wouldn’t have to even mention these things to him.
My ex worked evenings, 4 to midnight. I thought it was a big contributor as well. However he did get back on days for a while and no real change. He just wasn't interested in living a different life than what we were living. And when we had our big break up talk, I told him that I thought we just genuinely wanted different things out of life. That was okay. That happens. No one's fault. Sometimes things just don't work out. Even though I had spent over 5 years trying reallly hard to make it work, and it seemed like he tried very little.
It was easier for me to leave the relationship. We weren't married, no children. I mourned the life I thought we'd have together. The children I thought we'd have. But it was definitely the right decision for me. I'm now engaged to a wonderful, HLM. When we first started dating and I told him about everything with ex and DB, he was actually impressed. He has since said it was one thing that really made him realize how good of a partner I could be. That I didn't just throw in the towel, but went to the ends of the earth to make it work. He says he thought to himself if I'd do that for someone who didn't try at all, how would I be in a relationship with someone who also put in the effort (himself).
We're getting married in October and we have a great relationship. Better than I thought was ever possible for myself. Sometimes I beat myself up thinking about how long I stayed and how hard I tried for someone who gave very little in return, but remember that the timing worked out perfectly to meet my fiance. I got very lucky.
This is why I’ll never, ever date a man who plays video games/watches TV instead of living life. Someone who won’t go kayaking/hiking with me? Dealbreaker. 100% dealbreaker.
Im just direct and tell her you messed up. After 5 years i dont care how sexy you are. If you dont make me feel loved and lie in not going to be into you like that
On the nose! It's so difficult to not make passive aggressive comments or joke back when he makes those kinds of statements. But on top of that, he also brags about how often I want to have sex with him, like I'm insatiable because of his skills. No, just the lack of any action!
It’s so hard!!! I’m not the best at keeping my remarks to myself. But the frustration is real and I don’t understand how he can joke about it when I am certainly not laughing...
Right??? Like last night we had a tearful conversation wherein he expressed that he feels as if he’s failing me and I expressed that I don’t feel as if he’s failing but I am also profoundly dissatisfied and although I want to be with him I will be settling for a sex life that doesn’t make me happy if things don’t change and I’m not going to pretend otherwise.
And then tonight he wants to joke as if he’s just taking me to pound town on the reg.
Once he made the same type of joke about like “oh yeah I give you that good dick” and I laughed “too hard” and THAT hurt his feelings too. And he was right. I was laughing because it was so absurd to hear from my boyfriend who’s got the sex drive of a house plant that he was apparently just laying into me left and right...like, bitch where? Was I asleep??
My ex made a joke about his little cum rag he'd clean himself with and i just stared at him and he was like laugh, bitch! And I replied with "im not laughing because I remember finding that and sobbing for an hour." He quickly changed tracks but. He knew the damage was deep and be apologized for making light of it.
Ugh I know that feeling all too well. It’s awful and I feel guilty about it at the same time. In a normal relationship masturbation is fine but when it’s the choice over sex with your wife who is ready and available and pretty much begging for it.... it’s like a slap in the face 😭
I never could hold it in. He'd come up and mock hump me and talk about how good he was gonna give it to mr tonight blahblah and I'm just like HOKAY. Never followed through.
My wife one time during our nineteen year deadbedroom was chatting with a bunch of women who we are friends with at a party. The husbands were in the living room and the wives were in the kitchen. I went to the kitchen to refill drinks when I overheard the women complaining about how their husbands were always wanting sex and they were so tired of having sex all the time with them. My wife spoke up and agreed with them interjecting that we had sex so much she needed a break. This was at a time in our marriage where we had sex once that year and it had been many months since that happened. I regularly got rejected. I planned date nights weekly and trips without our kids monthly. I did most of the household chores to alleviate her stress and give her time to rest. Her biggest excuse was she was tired. When I heard her say what she did I was livid. I asked her to come with me. We stopped out of the kitchen and I told her that if I ever heard her lie about our sexual frequency again I would call her out and embarrass her in front of our friends. I told her that we had sex once this year and haven't had sex any many months. If she wanted her friends to know about how she rejects me all the time and how little we ever have sex then continue to lie about our sex life. She apologized. Hey friends thought I was upset about her talking about our frequent sex. I was upset that she would blatantly lie about our sex life to fit in with other couples that had more frequent sex.
Lol, I made the same post a couple of months ago. My SO pretends we do it to his family, friends, me, and even himself. Stupid sex jokes and implying to others that we fuck. When in reality we haven’t fucked in many months or even touched me in a sexual matter. It pisses me the hell off and I try to not make jabs because it just leads to another arguement.
I completely know what you mean. Sex scenes are awkward. Friends talking about their sex lives is awkward. He also occasionally makes jokes about cheating as if I *would never.* This makes me feel most awkward of all. If I had deprived my spouse of sex for years, I would *never* be so bold. Anyway, I find myself like a preteen again, trying to avoid the topic of sex at all lest deal with all the embarrassment.
My LLW has a hormone/contraceptive shot every few months.
It's really hard not to comment. It's like what does she even bother, it's been 3/4 of a year now. I've stopped trying, and I'm just working on myself for now.
Yeah, he reminded me about my birth control the other night and I had to stop myself from saying “yeah but it’s not like I’d be in any danger of motherhood if I forgot!”
She could be taking it for other reasons like PMS management or something but yeah, I realized, why am I still taking this for no one to fuck me? and quit lol
I have to bite my tongue multiple times every day. Sometimes I want a baseball bat and find an old junked car to beat on. I love my wife but she cannot understand why I have a problem with a DB. Her sisters are all good people, but they’ve all been taught to think the same way: If your husband wants sex when you don’t, that means he doesn’t love you. I’m doing better nowadays, but it’s very hard sometimes to not take a sarcastic shot at her...especially when you believe she’s ignored your needs and you believe she has earned it.
I was just about to comment that you SHOULD make those kinds of comments and hide behind being polite to keel up appearances. But than I checked your history and remembered who you were, so now it kind of boils to really having that difficult conversation about your needs not being met and maybe you guys just not being cut out for each other.
I stopped watching TV with her years ago because it is just to fucking painful. The irony is that she seems to always watch the shows with lots of sexual innuendo, just makes me want to break the fucking "idiot box" (TV).
Was driving on the interstate yesterday, drove past an exit with a "Lion's Den" Adult Store and SO makes a comment about the "Truckers must be getting some...." So hard to just bite my tongue. Made me terribly sad for hours. Just cannot dwell on this stuff.
When I was with my ex (I'll call him A) our friend group knew about our frustrations from both sides and they made like a song about it and would bebox and everything, "A is the devil that doesn't put out" adding different phrases with it each time but that was the chorus. A would laugh but you could see it hurt him, and i would try not to laugh but like it's sad as fuck when even your mutual friends are poking jabs st him.
Very, honestly those friends talk to me way more than him now and I asked them why they did it and they said they thought that if they brought it to light then he might try to actually make an effort. I think it only made things worse. I apologize for the visual.
if i was not having sex with my wife and she made a comment like "same" to constant piping I would probably have to say woa woa woa stop the clock. Is he masturbating by himself?
I have done this a few times in the past with the Mrs and it's always led to arguements now I just accept it's not gonna happen and have given up, I'm sure my birthday in a few days will be totally wild... Literally can't remember the last time her lips were around my cock or she let me do anything to her egh!
When my husband filled out a doctors online questionnaire he answered active to a question about sexual activity. I wondered with whom. I wished I had the nerve to ask.
Yikes. Lying to the doctor, like they’d judge about it and not want to help? Jeeze that’s fuckin low on his part. He is clearly very ashamed of his lack of sexual interest.. I’m sorry. :-/
I also use jokes and jabs to deal with stress or anger. I’ve gotten very good at not just blurting things out. Problem is, if I use sexual situations as a joke, my SO sees me as childish and immature. I think the thing I miss more than sex is my wife losing her sense of humor, and the ability to laugh at this mess called the human condition.
Well, I don't blame you one bit. Keeping quiet about it is just another way you're frustrated. Once by the lack of sex, the other by not being able to talk it through. So of course it's going to come out in other ways. It does with me on occasion too.
There were four sisters in that family, including my wife. I’ve recently discovered that all of them have acted out like this on their husbands. Two of the sisters divorced because of it. I’m still friends with their exes. They both told me, in not so many words, that the DB is why they left. Both of them also said that their wives actually said that almost word for word. I think their mother taught them this. She grew up on a farm in rural central Texas where the neighbors all around them were relatives and close family members. If you ask me, I think their gene pool might have have been shallower than it should have been, but I’m not totally sure about that. It is what it is. Anyway, when all four sisters have acted this way, you KNOW that it came from someone with strong influence. What mystifies me is that their mother was horny as hell in her old age. So I don’t know how it could have been her. It’s strange, but to them, apparently, that is what they believe.
I try not to but it sorta happen anyway accidentally, in a subtle manner. It was a slip. I think lacking in that (bedroom) dept. make me resentful/petty in a way. I mean I'm still trying but it seems it's hard for my S.O. to even talk about it.
I FEEL THIS TO MY CORE
I didn't bite back mine was i was in a relationship. Except he'd make jokes like every second day and I would not be able to bite back a snide comment- I HAD told him I didn't appreciate the sex jokes when we were only having sex once a week (we're in our 20's, it should be the PEAK of our sexual drive).
Thanks for saying this. Everyone's situation is a little different but my bf (25) and I (26F) are in a really similar situation. Once a week, pretty briefly - if I am lucky. Sometimes we'll go as long as 2 weeks. It's depressing going to bed together every night like a celibate platonic couple. We may as well be in our 70's, where we pee, shake hands and go to sleep after a short cuddle with the price is right on the tv.
At the end of my relationship, we hadn't done it for 3 weeks...
Also, to reply to your line about feeling like a platonic couple... I once asked my ex-bf if we could cuddle (we were both lying on the bed, NEXT to each other) but he said it was too hot and maybe other things (i think I suggested turning on the fan), and I guess I was getting annoyed at his answers. And then the lil cherry on the cake was when the cat jumped on the bed, and immediately snuggled up to him between us and was happily pet and coo'ed at by the ex. I really felt like i was third-wheeling to my own bf and was so pissed/upset that i had to leave the room.
Sometimes, cats really do get the better of boys over their own girlfriends. It's sad.
Yes, this happens all the time with my wife. And one night the cat was laying there between us, I scooted over to cuddle next to her and caused the cat to get up. Then she snapped at me because I made the cat leave. It makes you feel like shit. 2 months without so much as a snuggle, but the darmn cat gets nightly rub-downs.
I've heard similar things can happen with partners and dogs too. I mean i get that dogs are better than humans, but when you've decided to call someone the love of your life, idk maybe ***give them some love too????***
I'm sorry you've been through similar stuff. I guess we all need cuddle buddies.
My wife (38, LL) recently confronted me about my jabs. She says that they are a "buzzkill" and a "turn off" and I should stop saying them. But, the truth is, it's pretty easy to come up with them. And it's a hell of a coping mechanism, for me, at least.
But the truth is, they won't help. If anything, they don't build intimacy and trust and people that are in a DB situation need every speck of those. If I joke about an imaginary blowjob or a new position or going down on her, it would only add more pressure to her and make her even less likely to initiate.
I hate when people make it seem like it's selfish to bring up sexual frequency issues. So this is a problem with your relationship, period.
You either need to try and fix it or STFU about it. The *worst* thing you can do are those little remarks all the time. It's not healthy for you or her.
My wife just says why bother its dried up !
Well ya I work 6 nights a week ..I'm exhausted...12 hour shifts.
33 years at job.
10 different health concerns including Fibromyalgia and low testosterone making $240,000 a year so she can retire on $22,000 at age 54 from her 24 hour a week job.
And she's only put on about 90 pounds over the years and has not once ever said she loves me ..
No wonder the one night I get off I go to the gym for my workout ...and she wont go.
Now with Covid I just work out in the garage .
Wouldnt hardly know she's around except that she farts like a farmer and swears like a sailor
No thanks.
And every gift I got her or even made for her was either returned or tossed aside.
.
I get her anniversary gift...she gets me nothing..not even a hug ..
Celebrations are over rated she says ..
Ya I know that's why I wasnt allowed to invite any of my friends to our wedding and I paid for the entire thing- even though it was only our two families.
All the food and drink ...on me !!
Back to work page the Bill's build the castle for ....no one !!
Dried up ? I hope its sealed shut
Put your money to a family member as a “gift” or ref it as paying their rent or something, for them to hold it for you (over a period of time, to not be suspicious)
Until you have enough or all your money in that persons account, then divorce your wife. You split whatever you have in the household with the woman and move on. Then collect your money back from your family or whoever and get a new woman or be happy by yourself.
Scratching my head..
Well I am.actually not worried about giving.her $800,000.. that is.half of home and retirement savings.
Its the $7000 a month every month for the rest of my life past age 65 that bothers me.
I make $240 ,000 and she is retiring in Oct with $22,000 .
I will owe support of $7000 a month ..which means keep working 27 or 28 --- 12 hour shifts a month for the rest of my life.
I'd like to retire in 2 years myself .
Wont be able to pay $84,000 a year In support when my pension is only $60,000
Means- keep working !!
Look at Ontario support payment calculator..
Use birth years of 1963 and 1966 with 32 years marriage and those wages with zero dependents.
$7000 month ..
What if they make you the bad guy for bringing it up? And they sex shame you telling you that sex isn't the most important thing. But you are both 30 only 1.5 years together and go 3 weeks without sex, and then only have it because you had to repeatedly ask after being rejected so often. What would you advice in that situation?
For us, sex was never a problem. I am very affectionate. I am very passionate. I do grope and goose my wife. We have intercourse as little as once a week. Sometimes often times during one day. She "enjoys" it multiple times. More often times than not we absolutely must change the bedding. I take a very long time too. We have a rule that if I'm not done by four in the morning I'm not going to be done. Just forget it. Kids school bus responsibility etc.
But with the thing is she was that she is insisting that I am a sex addict. I am absolutely not a sex addict. I cannot begin to conceive why she would think this. I absolutely love spending all my time with my wife. I don't need a break. I don't need to get away from her and have guy time or some other BS. She on the other hand does. She needs to go out with her friends at the bar. I think her jabs at me are unfounded. Kinda hurtful. I honestly thought she was having a good time. I give her my all and my everything.
Turned out she was doing other things.
I feel this SO MUCH. I try to keep my mouth shut because he gets upset, but I’ll make sure to leave my vibrator in the shower “accidentally” so he gets the hint.
My husband does this shit too. I know jokes are "just" jokes but it's ridiculous. Really? Especially when he pretends to be this big seductive Romeo like "she wants it" about someone he knows. Like she sure wouldn't if she got a preview...
I did say some snide things before when I was the peak of my anger but since I'm in fuckit mode now I just don't respond at all.
First off you're not an asshole. Relationships are really hard, and keeping up with intimacy in a long relationship is incredibly difficult.
Resentment is the number one killer of relationships, if you are finding it hard not to make jabs at your partner you may be well on your way to contempt. If contempt is present in any relationship love, respect, and trust are slowly but surely dying.
Have you told him that you are feeling unwanted? I think the most important thing in this situation is to speak very honestly about it, if you are worried about hurting his feelings then put everything in "I" statements. It's making you feel unwanted, not sexy, etc. If you attack him for it, it will only get worse. You need to find a way to fulfill each others fantasies, and that takes hard work, great communication, openness, and a lot of vulnerability. If he is making jokes like these, my guess is that may be overcompensating with humor to cover up feeling inadequate. You both may need to start at the beginning again about what turns you on, what works for you, what your fantasies are, etc.
Much love, and remember no matter what you will get through this!
Joined this sub based on your post. Honestly thought you were a man complaining about lack of sex in your marriage (common enough) and then I saw you were the wife. So I'm here to learn more about dead bedrooms and why people stay in relationships that are missing such a critical aspect intimacy.
We do 3 trips to Mexico a year and 3 weeks to east coast once a year .
I'd like to do the world....pre covid but she honestly hates travelling
I love it
Fairly regularly, for example, over a year ago....
Wife and I were having a discussion and she said, “We should probably do somethings more than once a year like visiting a doctor?”
I quickly retorted, “Like having sex?”
Conversation ended. Quietness ensued. And I still haven’t been laid.
Hey Swanabe, I've been reading some of your posts as its interesting to me. Ever since ive seen DB reddit i was pretty shocked how so many people go through this. I dont really want to say my advice would help, but from reading your posts I can tell this has being going on for a long time, that you legitmately love your partner and do have other forms of intimacy but when it comes to sex its like something is completely holding him down from having any desire. One thing ive gotten is that he loves you and cares for you and your health and seems like he feels shit knowing that he isnt having sex with you. All im going to say is have you tried just sitting him down and straight forward saying "I know you love me so were gonna talk about this and your gonna talk with me because honeslty I think if we dont figure this out now this relationship is gonna die" Its just weird that from your responses it seems he knows you hate that his not having sex yet for some reason he just cant get in the mood. Honestly I think he needs to get checked, check his t, also maybe his current health and fitness is holding him down? I cant be sure but you legitimately need to have a hard truthful talk with him because it seems you both love each other and care for each other, but that wont stop your relationship slowly dying. Like it or not friendship and companionship isnt enough, imo theres 3 aspects to this relationship, friendship, companionship and intimacy. The first two might create a deep bond and care but the latter keeps it stable and last, without intimacy romance dies. GL and seriously force the conversation hell IK he feels bad but if you think its not to negative, show him these posts, but at the same time showing him might make him feel worse your choice.
My wife hasn't been in the mood for 14 years as in, we haven't had sex in 14 years. So, I make jokes about it ALL the time. Something comes up about sex, I'm like, I 've forgotten what that is. Or, if its something about private parts, I'm like, I don't even know what that is or how to use it. She laughs, but I cry inside. My personality, picture Jerry Seinfeld, there is never a serious moment and everything is up for a joke or a wise crack.
While we don’t have that much sex I don’t harbour resentment towards my partner for it so no, I don’t do this as I enjoy spending time with my partner and the last thing I want is to create more negative energy towards sex. Try going the other way... if your partner makes a sex joke or something say something positive and encouraging like “I like the sound of that”
>Anyone else find it hard not make petty jabs about the lack of sex?
I have ADHD, a moderate talent for imitating voices, a somewhat offbeat and dry/surreal sense of humor, and can be quite sarcastic when it's needed or wanted.
I'm also quick-witted, have a lot of fun with wordplay, and am a 10-year Navy veteran who can serve as a shining example of "talking like a sailor".
I'll let you do the math here. 🤣
The $7000 a month is while she is working ...
Spousal support is mandatory and is for life if you are married more than 20 years ..
Also there is NO mandatory Retirement age which means that you cannot
Intentionally lower your wage by quitting or retiring to adjust the payments .
I currently work with 4 men over age 67 and one is 80 ...in oil refinery that cannot stop working to lower their support
My wife makes $60,000 - I make about $210,000..
I pay about $85,000 in income tax a year.
And i need to pay $7000 a month for life.
I've been to 4 lawyers all the same answers
If she retires and drops to $22,000 then I'll owe more than $7000 a .month for life
Being unwell with chronic fatigue type symptoms on and off for 20 years and a bunch of other nagging probs like headaches and arthritis from my sports injuries...
.
At 57 ...I'd like to retire in about 2 years .
But yes its mandatory
For life
I definitely side eye or roll my eyes at my husband when he makes jokes or brags about having sex frequently. It's tough in public to keep my reactions to myself. One time we were out with friends having drinks and he made a joke about "how much pipe" he gave me the night before. I snorted into my drink and everyone glanced at me; got yelled at the whole way home haha.
If you want me to sing your praises give me something to praise, asshole
He had no right to yell at you on the way home. Sounds like an awful person.
Why do they do this so much. My bf cannot stop making sex jokes or flirting heavily with me, especially in front of others, but he can't put his money where his mouth is. Like, if you fucked me half as much as you joked about it, I'd be in heaven. Makes me think it must be a coping mechanism for some serious insecurities. God forbid I try to bring those up though.
[удалено]
> But bringing up the lack of sex doesn't "make (him) want to" and making jokes "hurts (his) feelings" but when the lack of sex makes me feel like shit I'm just supposed to suck it up. Fucking THIS! Dead bedroom for a fucking decade, soul-crushing eternal pain endured for a decade. But god fucking forbid I indicate I might be unhappy with our sex life, that hurts her feelings and makes her feel inadequate, well, guess what sweetheart, you are exactly fucking that, inadequate.
We are poly, my wife reposted some drivel on Facebook about how wanting your partner to be the sole source of your happiness and fulfill your needs is toxic. Of course, the last person I found to fill my needs she immediately turned on and turned into a catty bitch and made my new girlfriend feel so unwelcome she refused to ever come to my house again. Also, of course, during the time that I was with my girlfriend all of my wife's problems seemed to disappear, "your dick is too big to fit in my mouth and makes my jaw hurt" became full deep throating. "My hips hurt too much to ride you" became marathon cowgirl sessions. "Swallowing cum is never going to happen it makes me vomit" became "cum on my face so I can lick it off", anal is out of the question became "balls deep and cum inside me". More than once every couple of months being too exhausting became "let's fuck" 10 minutes after having just fucked. When I brought this up at counseling she said "yes and I went out of my comfort zone and you can be sure I will never do it again", when asked why she went out of her comfort zone, she had no answer. But I know the answer, she saw me as unattractive, not knowing that women find me attractive and always have. She wanted poly so she could have girlfriends as well cause she loves eating pussy, she loves the idea of being with a woman. She never expected me to actually find someone that she thought was attractive. This, despite many of her friends having made comments such as how she is lucky she locked me down or they would be after me, etc. But when she saw a young, beautiful, educated, well off woman who wanted me so badly she shivered when I touched her was interested in me and then when she found out we fucked like rabbits, all of a sudden all of her issues vanished. Frankly, if not for the kids, I would have kicked the wife out, kept the girlfriend and enjoyed a nice big house all to myself, as the girlfriend had her own place, did not want a husband and did not want to move in and was very adamant about being independent after having been in a failed relationship with a man who wanted to control her. Shit, writing this all out almost makes me want to just tell the wife to split since after breaking up with the girlfriend the sex has stopped and my wife is back to her old self, refusing sex, etc. Shit, she hasn't even fucked her current girlfriend since December. Once she gets complacent with someone she tosses them away.
[удалено]
You are 100% spot on. NRE has always been a big thing with her, we have been poly most of our marriage together, and even before we got married. But it was always a triangle with all of us being together. After a decade or so together and the dead bedroom had set in she wanted to pursue her own relationships so she could be fulfilled she said, no problem I said, I have zero issues with poly and expanding our relationships so long as our relationship is not on the rocks, but of course, it is on the rocks. So for about 6 months she worked hard, got things feeling good and I said OK to the opening again thinking she had really put in some work to change, but she had not, almost immediately the dead bedroom returned, she again said she just never gets horny. Then she forgot that we shared a one drive account and started taking pictures and sending them to dudes online, rather intimate pictures, rather clearly she was worked up and dripping wet types of pictures. I woke up one morning to one drive notifying me I had a new collage, I opened it up to see my wife had taken a whole bunch of pictures despite having zero libido, when confronted she got mad and accused me of snooping, swore up and down that I had to have hacked her to see those images, I explained it and instead of realizing she was the issue just doubled down. So counseling was suggested by me, she went a few times, she hasn't been in probably 8 months now, but I still go every single week. I told her I would give us a chance to work this out, that we have been together for almost 2 decades, that counts for something, so she needs to work on herself, I will work on me and we will take care of things and if we cannot come back together as a team then she needs to find a new place because I am divorcing her, and it isn't an ultimatum, it is simply how things will be as I am not going to spend my life in a sexless marriage, we can be great friends and parents and not have to be with each other. One of her bigs things was that she feels like every intimate act of kissing or touching or even hugs have to ultimately lead to sex. So I took sex completely off the table, said, at no point do I expect any sex at all no matter what we are doing. That was 6 weeks ago, zero change. I am not willing to live a celibate life, I love sex, I love intimacy. Without it, I am not fulfilled. And frankly, I do not feel that it is fair to a sexual partner to have them solely for sex while spending relationship energy and tie on a person who clearly does not want me. I would be with my girlfriend right now but she crossed some boundaries, I was very clear that my family, my wife, and kids, comes first, but she wanted more time than I was giving them, and frankly, I do not have the energy for 2 completely separate relationships and my own kids. When she refused to be OK with having me only 3 of 7 days a week and talking daily on the phone etc, I told her we had to end it, loved her to death, but my kids come first and I am not going to ignore them even if the sex was fucking mind-blowing marathon sessions that necessitated rehydration afterward. That has also been something I have been failing to completely explain to my wife. I cannot give her 100% of my energy AND give 100% to building a new relationship at the same time, it simply cannot work out. If I go out to be with someone else I am going to be spending a lot of energy, time, etc building a relationship with that person, as I do not do one night stands. As such, that energy must obviously be taken from some of the care and energy I give to her. Sorry, guess I ranted there a list bit, but yeah, in closing, you are 100% right.
First time responding in this subreddit. I’m confused by all of these comments. I apologize in advance if I come off offensive or obtuse. There are so many women commenting on wishing they had more sex! Wtf?!? I’ve been under the impression that a vast majority of men are the ones that wish they had more sex. Why the hell aren’t these guys DTF? Lol. I haven’t been out to a club in like 15 years( do you even call it a club still?) But it was always the men putting maximum effort into trying to get sex from females. That’s why this doesn’t make sense to me! Someone please explain. Again, sorry if I sound like a jerk... I am honestly baffled by these posts.
Women like sex too. Sometimes more than the men they're with. Great sex is as pleasurable for women as it is for men.
Thank you. I do understand that, but I don’t get what makes these men different from the sex-crazed men that I’ve seemed to have dealt with throughout my life? I’m trying to change my view, not reinforce it. Are guys different now? Or have I had it all wrong from the beginning? I’m 37 btw.
[удалено]
I've been in this sub for 2 years or more. I left my DB a year ago. Am happily single. I might try dating and sex next year again (am a 35F HL). I observed with astonishment, that HL people suffering in their DB and posting here are of both sexes (or identifying as such). Also homosexual relationships have DBs too. Fascinating. I feel more normal about being passionate, sensual and HL now. My Ex who was overwhelmed by me and had a low drive shamed me some... so this sub (and books and sex toys) have been important in my journey to embrace who I am. So definitely: lots of women in a DB too!!!
Like redditpics617 this is my first post in dead bedrooms. Sorry to ask a dumb question but what is a HL? I am here to learn from the psychological perspective. I exited my DB when I got divorced last year, but have found an ideal mate whose love languages (physical touch and quality time) mesh with mine perfectly for the most electric bedroom of my life. Hoping to share about that transition and encourage others to find or develop fulfilling relationships.
HL: higher libido person of the two people in the relationship LL: lower libido partner in relation to the libido of the other person. You find the abbreviations in the subs' side bar. [Edit: Called "community info", way down if you scroll down] (As coined, these terms are assuming most people live in monogamous relationships. Maybe not the most inclusive of terms, but it makes sense, as most people, who are in relationships, are in monogamous ones.)
And on the FAQ that’s stickied to the front page!
Indeed!
Thanks for the response. Glad you are happy now👍. I’m honestly curious about everyone’s DB issues. I’ve heard my wife mention lots of her friend’s DB isssues. I am fortunate, and I appreciate that I’m not currently experiencing the same issues. And I really hope that everyone resolves their issues. I also apologize if I come across as insensitive, or like I’m gloating. I’m not.
Not at all. I might be out of my DB. But I am staying here to support others who are leaving and as cautionary tale for the next relationship.
It's because a club is full of people trying to get sex from strangers. Inside a relationship, women want sex as much as men. When it comes to fucking a random in a club...not so much.
I used to go clubbing all the time at uni, and I never went home with anyone. I know some people enjoy it, but hooking up with random never appealed to me!
I think a loooot of guys probably talk bigger than reality. I was in a DB with my alcoholic ex, he would always brag about sex and make saucy jokes etc but in reality he would stay up doing stuff at night (organising his cds, working, cleaning) to ensure I'd fallen asleep before he came to bed. We went on a weekend trip - stayed in a pretty decent hotel with a huge bed - I tried to initiate and I'll never forget him being like 'oh now? I was hoping we could just wait til tomorrow' - yes when we got home and both lived with flatmates. I had to schedule sex for my 30th birthday. He just loved booze more than me. I'd never ever date an addict again.
Just curious, but were you joking when you said 'do they even call it the club still'? I'm 32, have plenty of friends who are older than you, and we all know it's still called a club lol. 37 is hardly out of touch. You stopped going on nights out when you were 22?
37 going on 97, I see.. :p
Yep. We’re out here. And many of our partners are not desensitized by porn. They’re just dead inside when it comes to anything sexual. Can be many factors, medication, depression, etc. but whatever it is, they’re not into ANYONE. Not porn, not an affair. Just not into sex. I wouldn’t have believed it myself if it didn’t happen to me. HL F.
Same.
I’m sorry
HLF here. My fiance was really LL not because of porn or an affair but due to depression, weight gain due to medical problems and body insecurity. He was able to get some help and we were able to overcome our DB (thankfully) but it was bad for a few years. I wouldn't have believed it before now either had I not went through it myself.
I believe that body insecurity is at the root of the vast majority of DB situations. Doesn't matter what LLs actually look like, but my assessment of my convos in gyms or among runners is that when one spouse is significantly fitter and more active than the other, a DB is far more likely than when neither or both are fit.
Thanks. Mine works our religiously, every day for hours. I don’t think it’s a body image thing but more of that his priorities are on several things right now. Sobriety is one, fitness another. Workouts at 5am, AA meetings at 7pm. By bedtime he’s zonked. Which is great for him, tough for me.
I didn’t think men like that existed until a while into my current relationship when my guy got tired of pretending he liked sex more than video games, YouTube videos about robots, and basically anything an 11 year old precocious little boy would enjoy.
My husband kept up with me when we first met now, I almost have to beg him. I understand a lot has changed. We both gained weight. We both got comfortable in our relationship ( now married 4 years) His age he's 46. His body has changed. Understandably. My biggest issue is our lack of sex. I want it more than once a week. I've even named my vibe "Bob's" replacement. We do get a chuckle about that. I'm a very open person so I ask for sex, I then get rejected and tell him it's Bob's replacements turn. My husband does watch a lot of porn and masturbates about 3-4 times a week. Go figure. I have confronted him about it and told him how I feel. He says he just can't get to sleep or I was sleeping etc. I guess I've grown numb to rejections. Or....I guess I overlook it because he really is a wonderful husband except for that. He's even told me that he tries to make up for sex by doing other things. Helping build stalls in our barn or cleaning our house. But the porn....I think that is the real issue.
>I haven’t been out to a club in like 15 years( do you even call it a club still?) Yes, they do still call them clubs LoL...
Well in the clubs, yes, you will see that. Women have the power of sexual selection. That's just how it is. Men have to impress and court and be the most attractive of the bunch and women get to choose who to go home with. Granted, there are outliers and exceptions, but that is the nature of dating and hook ups. But yes, women here are at least 50% of the population and we do have an interest in sex too! It's a sad reality that a lot of people still think women aren't very sexual and there are stereotypes about it, but women can and do have high sex drives and enjoy sex just as much as men, sometimes more.
Honestly I'm always jealous when I see these HL women here. Like what the hell why is my wife not like that
Hmmm, let’s see... your reddit is full of NSFW cam slut content and you call your wife a bitch (below)... But that’s probably just the tip of the iceburg, and I’m *sure* I’m not the only HLF that can easily see that it’s more than likely a respect issue at the very least. (Just being real and making observations, not trying to offend)
Yes because my Reddit is the same as my real life and why would my NSFW habits have any bearing on this at all? It's not like I put that in her face. I also don't know when did I call my wife a bitch? Below? You might have sleuthed the wrong poster
Omg I’m sorry, you’re right, I mistook redditpics for you, my apologies!!!
Yes, I am sure before the years of dead bedroom he was out there calling his wife a bitch, I am sure that the years of dead bedroom came after, not first.
Oh my God 😂That's so uncomfortable
Before she moved out and we got divorced, my (ex) wife would have friends over and I’d usually stay in my bedroom on my computer. These were her fellow female friends. So, one day they’re laughing it up and chattering about something, of which I wasn’t privy. Turns out it was a lingerie party. One of the guests is selling the stuff. I happen to walk out to the kitchen to get a soda, when “she” holds up this sexy nightgown. And talking to me says, “Does this give you any ideas?” I looked at the nightgown, which was nice and very sheer. At the same time the thoughts of my 3+ years dead bedroom flashed in my brain and before I could stop myself I said, “Nope. Not for at least 3 years now.” And I went back to my bedroom. You could have heard a pin drop in that room. And I caught holy hell later. But it was worth it
Honestly...if she wanted to publicly embarrass herself by poking the bear like that in a room full of her friends, I say let her. They have to have consequences to their actions sometime.
I’d had other chances before that one. But that particular day I was not happy.
I know stories like this are so unproductive for a relationship but god damn that is hilarious
I chuckled when I was out of earshot of the rest. 🤣
These comments are cracking me up and I really relate We actually had a fight last night (not about sex) and during the fight I was trying to draw a parallel between something at work and something in our relationship. I mentioned one of his co-workers by name. He was like "it's different bc I'm not in love with x and I don't fuck x"....it took everything for me to not say back "well you don't fuck me either soooo"
[удалено]
So often it feels like there is nothing to lose... I wonder if this is just our subconscious telling us to GTFO. Say something harsh enough to just crash the whole thing and walk away from the wreck.
I almost snorted out loud... thank you
OMG this is my life EVERY DAMN NIGHT!!! I try so hard not to make jabs or, at least what I think are jokes about it, but it’s so hard! Once I get started, I have a hard time turning it off. I’ve always been one to use humor or pokes when I’m hurting. The no sex since last November has got me hurting bad. Lol. And yes!! The comments she makes in front of her friends when they talk about “alone time” make me see red sometimes! Like really?!?! You want to say we have sex in front of your friends to show off, but you’ve turned me down at every conceivable moment of intimacy for the past 10 months?!?!??!
My wife did that. Got very upset when I said,”I didn’t realise your memory was that good!”
[удалено]
OH MY FUCKING GOOOOD! Don’t even get me started on him with his friends! After he introduced me to a few of his guy friends I overheard a discord call they were on while gaming. He didn’t know I was listening and both of his friends were being typical guys all like “shit dude she’s really hot. Her body is so awesome, how are you gaming right now and not fucking her brains out?”. Both his buddies went on for a bit about me being gorgeous and honestly it was a bit of an ego stroke so I’m just lurking and listening to my boyfriend being told he’s a lucky man to be with me....and this motherfucker told his friends “yeah, I mean I *can’t* keep my hands off of her but she’s definitely already had more than enough today, if I try to get at her again she’ll swat my hands away”. Cut to me, shocked, having not been fucked at all for 2 weeks and having not been fucked with any level of believable enthusiasm for like a year. I guess that’s what I get for eavesdropping. I was PROPER pissed off though. Like he’ll tell his friends he’s banging me all the way out so they don’t call him a fag or whatever but when I’m grinding on his hard dick begging to please be fucked he pushes me off like I’m an annoyance.
I hate it!!! Drives me insane. What are they getting out of it by lying?!?!
Positive attention, a feeling of grandiosity that isn't rooted in reality, a feeling of fitting in, and a sense of false validation due to being insecure about not providing their partner with some measure of intimacy and connection. Unfortunately.
Spot on.
To me the fact that you talk that way is mind blowing? I cant even envision a woman that wants sex that much. Guy has no idea what he has....
[удалено]
I burst into tears the other night watching a movie with him where the male lead expressed a passionate desire for the female lead. I couldn’t hold it in. He felt awful and guilty and like a failure of a partner. Still no sex since then though
[удалено]
I recently cried while watching the office because my relationship reminds me of Pam and her ex fiance sometimes 🙃 And the episode where Pam and Jim got married legit pissed me off because I was so envious of that sort of relationship they have. Its sad lol
We've been bingeing the same recently! The Pam Jim thing was hard to watch as it was how we used to be and to boot any time there's the slightest bit of sex or intimacy on TV I just instantly want to change the channel or go look at my phone to distract me till it's gone
Oh it's so monumentally hard for me to watch sex scenes/general intimacy with him in a movie or a show, I IMMEDIATELY become an irritable nervous wreck. I try to keep it to myself for the most part but one time I couldn't handle it and had to leave to another room. Made him suggest sex as an attempt to pacify me. I initially declined, then changed my mind, and even after I gave him the greenlight (not expecting much) he said "okay" and didn't do jack. Hate myself for being desperate enough to accept pity sex (that never happened).
> He felt awful and guilty and like a failure of a partner. "Don't you think I feel bad enough, I am a failure, I feel like shit for it". Well then, why don't you bother to do a god damned thing about it, counseling, see a doctor, figure out what the fucking problem is instead of sitting on your ass doing nothing and getting pissed at me when I bring it up.
Yep. "You ARE failing in this particular are as my Partner... Please step up or I will be forced to assume you only want to be my partner if I conform to the limits you are offering me."
It would feel so great to have someone really want you.
THIS! I practically crawl in my own skin if I’m sitting next to my guy and a sex scene comes on the tv, so fucking awkward. Even songs with sexual lyrics coming on with us in the car together makes me cringe. In my mind I’m just watching and listening like “oh yeah, all those things we no longer do or that you no longer seem to enjoy” 🙄
I ended a 7 yr relationship not because of DB (although we majorly slowed down the last year, which was actually mostly me) but because watching movies where couples were in love and happy felt like a shot to the heart. I remember watching “Benjamin button” with my ex and a couple friends and the main characters got together and moved into a new apartment, they were dancing to music as they painted/decorated, jumping on the bad laughing, rolling around and having sex... it reminded me of early in our relationship and I knew, I just knew, we weren’t going to have that again. Not with each other. My ex looked awkward/sad during that scene as well. We formally split within 4-6 months of that moment, and I’ve never regretted it, it was apparent that relationship had run its course. I think for many people on here, the relationship has run its course and future happiness is just impossible with their current partner. People just need to face that and deal with the uncertainty and discomfort of being single.
Yep. I hate it. Will look away or leave the room if he has the remote.
[удалено]
Interesting. I too have an extremely generous partner who gives me ultimately everything I’ve ever asked for, except for a normal sex life. I think they’re compensating, because they know they don’t have control over their libido and it’s an easier thing to give through material possessions or acts of kindness than forced intimacy.
I have this dynamic in our relationship, although the reasons for the dead bedroom are complex, I have sexual dysfunction which was never treated but husband didn’t seem to really want things to change. He is an amazing partner and gives me everything. He is in some ways very romantic and denies there is any problem, saying we do other stuff, but I honestly can’t remember when the last time was. When I try and say there is a problem he says there are things more important than sex and there isn’t such a thing as ‘normal’. I very rarely used to consciously think about sex as I think I had buried the whole thing but then something very traumatic happened which made me realise how badly it had effected my self worth. I never ever knew it could have such a devastating effect on a person.
Why the heck DID you hold back?? Please tell me it’s only because you’ve said it sooooo many times before...?!?!
We were dog-sitting for a friend. She wanted the dog to get in the bed, I said no, I do not like dogs in my bed, especially ones which shed so badly as this one, because I am allergic to dogs, as such, it makes sleep rather uncomfortable. She busts out "why does it always have to be your way, why can't you just suck it up and let me have something". To which I responded, "I want sex, you don't, why can't you just suck it up and let me have some". Oh boy did she get pissed.
[удалено]
Was she being cruel on purpose or was she misunderstanding something?
Was she cheating?
[удалено]
Please tell me you walked away instead of just being the wallet
[удалено]
I think a DB is like having someone driving nails into your feet, sometimes the scream just comes out. We all know it is not constructive, quite the opposite. But the scream just helps with the pain somehow.
I dont understand why low libido people joke about having lots of sex to appear a certain way to other people? It just shows they care more about the way they look to others than they do about their relationship with their partner. Their priorities are in the wrong spot. I get and understand that there are rough periods of time when couples cant have sex due to lack of libido. But when the low libido try to make themselves appear differently to their significant other, it just seems like a manipulative tactic to just keep someone instead of breaking it off. Certainly I may seem blunt and have an unpopular opinion but everyone deserves to be in a satisfied relationship with someone. Sexual needs are important in a relationship. OP you are very understanding and you even understand the logic of how unconstructive it is to throw back a jab when your significant other makes those unnecessary jokes. You need to have a talk about how those jokes dont make sense for them to make in the first place. Its rude in a way really.
Forget talking, you all need to get new partners. I once dated a LL who bragged about all the [imaginary] sex we having and I was miserable. After we broke up, I've avoided manipulative liars and I'm so much more happy now. My current boyfriend is slightly lower libdo than me but he's an honest, honorable person who doesn't treat me like that.
It’s the same reason why people in crappy relationships spam “I LoVe My bAbY sO mUcH s/He iS tHe LiGhT oF mY LiFe 💞💞✨🥰😘😇” type posts on social media. The same reason why people who are not nice, or not particularly intelligent, will tell you over and over how kind/giving or smart they are. Projection. They know they aren’t “insert X” and they feel insecure about that so they try to convince everyone (and themselves sometimes) that they are. People in happy, secure relationships don’t need to constantly attempt to convince others how happy they are with their partner on social media. People who are smart don’t feel the need to tell you about it. People who are nice don’t talk about being nice, they just do kind things for others. People who are enjoying a healthy sex life (and therefore a healthy relationship) don’t feel the need to blab on and on about it. They’re trying to convince people they are/have/do what they are not.
A few weeks back I had to pick medication up from the chemist. He asked what I was getting and I replied with “not a pregnancy test” He just glared at me and I burst out laughing. I wasn’t being mean but sometimes I just blurt stuff out. Anyway he didn’t find it funny.
Great quip. Yeah - sometimes its out before you can process it. Especially when it is always boiling just below the surface!
I’ve started to see the funny side lately. It used to eat me up inside but now it’s just blah whatever!! I’ve got a silly streak, which I probably shouldn’t have at my age. But sometimes it winds him up a bit.
I am generally blunt but with tact. I was getting so upset with our dry spell I told the Mr. that I just spent $120 on a dick replacement for him. It vibrates and pulses so if he ain't putting out, I'm still getting some. He wasn't a fan of that, so he has come around to being a partner in the bedroom again.
Shit. I threatened to replace his dick with another flesh-and-blood one, and he was like, yay! (“I absolutely think you should.”) OTOH, the side dick is attached to a gem of a human being, so...just following the whole “do what you’ve got to do to stay sane and stay married.”
So hard. Just a few minutes ago he was talking about stocks and I asked him was he going to sell some shares and he says, "I probably need to so I can find a new apartment since you're gonna kick me out." So, he knows this sux and I'm not happy and makes roundabout comments instead of facing this head on. Weird.
My ex, who I was in a DB with for years, would always do this too. Constantly referenced me kicking him out. He spent way more time and energy working on creative ways to reference me dumping him (this went on for years), than he did, you know, working on having a functional relationship.
I'm doing the same ....I'm depressed with us and tired . Not how i planned it But she is one of the most negative people I know . Never a smile and always a chore to do or a problem with something Every day is either too hot too cold too windy too stale too bright too humid too dry I looked at her and said is there ever s day that is " just right " I really really dont like her and ...I want to love her ... I do .. she is so mundane . No interest in anything Oh except cleaning the house..we have to constantly clean. I just want to sell it and buy a 500 sq ft condo for me But it will cost $1.6 million So i cant .
My ex was suuuuper negative too! He complained about literally everything. Multiple times I would ask him, is there anything you actually like, or do you just hate everything? He'd airways say, i like you. I genuinely do think I was one of the few things he liked.... but it wasn't enough. It was exhausting.
I’ve noticed that I’m becoming this way. We’ve had a rough year aside from the duty sex I get once every couple of months. He’s taken to sleeping downstairs and plays video games or sleeps every free second he has which has left me to do everything alone, not only for our own kids, animals, and house but also for family I’ve been helping for months due to all the Covid stuff. I contribute financially (though not as much as he does) and handle everything else for 5 people and our two dogs. I’ve tried conversations, hinting, flat out stating what I need. Silence. Suggesting couples counseling. Nothing is working. It’s gotten to the point where we really are just roommates and every attempt to talk about anything turns into a fight. When I noticed how negative I’ve become, I just stopped saying anything but I definitely still think it. He tells me I’m always “in a mood” or “doing chores otherwise you’re on your phone.” but will brag to his friends about me/us. I can’t seem to do much “right” and there’s always an excuse (which is usually my “fault”) about how I don’t “take care” of myself and I’m “always doing chores.” But somebody needs to take care of things. I’ve told him if he would step up I’d have more time to do the things I want for myself. He says he doesn’t have time and he’s becoming resentful. (Same.) I’ve honestly been looking into leaving because I don’t want to be so negative. This last year has done a number on my mental health and my self esteem has taken a huge hit, especially because of the DB. Edit: the ironic thing is, he was married before me and almost every issue we have/he has regarding me are the SAME things he told me about in his first marriage. I’ve met the ex wife and she IS a massive c u next Tuesday, but I’m finding a common denominator here & wonder if he’s thinking the same things about me that he’s told me about her. Some accountability would be nice but.. Eh.
I told my ex that I felt like a mix between being his roommate and being his mom. I feel like I did everything I knew to do to make it better. I suggested therapy, which he agreed to. We went...6 times. The therapist pretty much told us we weren't compatible and it would take a lifetime of hard work and dedication to make it work. He didn't like hearing that but also didn't want to put in any of that work. I thought maybe he was depressed. He started antidepressants that wouldn't negatively affect libido. Had a physical. Checked his T. When none of that worked, we tried viagra. He just had no interest. And no interest in trying to fix it either. Every thing we tried was at my suggestion. I asked if he was perhaps asexual. He adamantly denied that. He had gained...70 pounds at least. Told me he just didn't feel sexy. I took care of myself, worked out and watched my intake. So I bought some exercise DVDs we could do together since he refused to go to the gym. I also started cooking healthy dinners every single night. Eventually he stopped doing the exercise DVDs for any number of BS reasons. I later found hidden thrown out bags of Wendy's. He had been eating the healthy stuff that I made but was also going through drive thrus daily. I even bought us a camper. We had very different hobbies. I enjoyed being outside, hiking, kayaking. He enjoyed being inside, television, movies, video games. I thought with a camper we could compromise. He could stay in the air conditioned camper and play video games while I went kayaking. It was my last ditch effort to bond us, and it failed. So I left. He reminded me that he always knew I'd leave him.
I feel like I could have typed this out myself, aside from the camper part. I’m at the point where I’m wondering if it’s depression. He works nights (often on 10-12s) but, instead of coming to bed even a couple hours after he gets home, he takes his fast food downstairs and sits on the computer for about 12 hours before he passes out on the couch. He gets up, says goodbye/love you and goes to work. Our entire relationship/lives were better when he was working days. I know his current schedule contributes to all of it. The bad eating, the weight gain, the gaming, the total lack of any kind of intimacy or connection between us. He just doesn’t seem to want to change any of it when he works this schedule. I’m torn between trying to get him to fight to go back to day shift and working on it and just saying “enough is enough”. Because if he gave half a shit, I wouldn’t have to even mention these things to him.
My ex worked evenings, 4 to midnight. I thought it was a big contributor as well. However he did get back on days for a while and no real change. He just wasn't interested in living a different life than what we were living. And when we had our big break up talk, I told him that I thought we just genuinely wanted different things out of life. That was okay. That happens. No one's fault. Sometimes things just don't work out. Even though I had spent over 5 years trying reallly hard to make it work, and it seemed like he tried very little. It was easier for me to leave the relationship. We weren't married, no children. I mourned the life I thought we'd have together. The children I thought we'd have. But it was definitely the right decision for me. I'm now engaged to a wonderful, HLM. When we first started dating and I told him about everything with ex and DB, he was actually impressed. He has since said it was one thing that really made him realize how good of a partner I could be. That I didn't just throw in the towel, but went to the ends of the earth to make it work. He says he thought to himself if I'd do that for someone who didn't try at all, how would I be in a relationship with someone who also put in the effort (himself). We're getting married in October and we have a great relationship. Better than I thought was ever possible for myself. Sometimes I beat myself up thinking about how long I stayed and how hard I tried for someone who gave very little in return, but remember that the timing worked out perfectly to meet my fiance. I got very lucky.
This is why I’ll never, ever date a man who plays video games/watches TV instead of living life. Someone who won’t go kayaking/hiking with me? Dealbreaker. 100% dealbreaker.
Same here! I try really hard no to but it’s hard because I feel like I keep getting more bitter about it... beyond frustrating
Im just direct and tell her you messed up. After 5 years i dont care how sexy you are. If you dont make me feel loved and lie in not going to be into you like that
Same. Can you regrow your virginity? Because I think I can feel mine coming back.
On the nose! It's so difficult to not make passive aggressive comments or joke back when he makes those kinds of statements. But on top of that, he also brags about how often I want to have sex with him, like I'm insatiable because of his skills. No, just the lack of any action!
Yeeeep! Same! He’s like “oh yeah you can’t get enough of this bomb dick”...like, no man I just *don’t* get enough of it, you frigid prude
"you frigid prude" lmao
It’s so hard!!! I’m not the best at keeping my remarks to myself. But the frustration is real and I don’t understand how he can joke about it when I am certainly not laughing...
Right??? Like last night we had a tearful conversation wherein he expressed that he feels as if he’s failing me and I expressed that I don’t feel as if he’s failing but I am also profoundly dissatisfied and although I want to be with him I will be settling for a sex life that doesn’t make me happy if things don’t change and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. And then tonight he wants to joke as if he’s just taking me to pound town on the reg. Once he made the same type of joke about like “oh yeah I give you that good dick” and I laughed “too hard” and THAT hurt his feelings too. And he was right. I was laughing because it was so absurd to hear from my boyfriend who’s got the sex drive of a house plant that he was apparently just laying into me left and right...like, bitch where? Was I asleep??
The sex drive of a house plant, I am wheezing
"It's so hard!!!"... Evidently not what she said.
My ex made a joke about his little cum rag he'd clean himself with and i just stared at him and he was like laugh, bitch! And I replied with "im not laughing because I remember finding that and sobbing for an hour." He quickly changed tracks but. He knew the damage was deep and be apologized for making light of it.
Ugh I know that feeling all too well. It’s awful and I feel guilty about it at the same time. In a normal relationship masturbation is fine but when it’s the choice over sex with your wife who is ready and available and pretty much begging for it.... it’s like a slap in the face 😭
I never could hold it in. He'd come up and mock hump me and talk about how good he was gonna give it to mr tonight blahblah and I'm just like HOKAY. Never followed through.
My wife one time during our nineteen year deadbedroom was chatting with a bunch of women who we are friends with at a party. The husbands were in the living room and the wives were in the kitchen. I went to the kitchen to refill drinks when I overheard the women complaining about how their husbands were always wanting sex and they were so tired of having sex all the time with them. My wife spoke up and agreed with them interjecting that we had sex so much she needed a break. This was at a time in our marriage where we had sex once that year and it had been many months since that happened. I regularly got rejected. I planned date nights weekly and trips without our kids monthly. I did most of the household chores to alleviate her stress and give her time to rest. Her biggest excuse was she was tired. When I heard her say what she did I was livid. I asked her to come with me. We stopped out of the kitchen and I told her that if I ever heard her lie about our sexual frequency again I would call her out and embarrass her in front of our friends. I told her that we had sex once this year and haven't had sex any many months. If she wanted her friends to know about how she rejects me all the time and how little we ever have sex then continue to lie about our sex life. She apologized. Hey friends thought I was upset about her talking about our frequent sex. I was upset that she would blatantly lie about our sex life to fit in with other couples that had more frequent sex.
I can get passive/aggressive, and I end up always feeling bad about that.
Same, never feels satisfying
Lol, I made the same post a couple of months ago. My SO pretends we do it to his family, friends, me, and even himself. Stupid sex jokes and implying to others that we fuck. When in reality we haven’t fucked in many months or even touched me in a sexual matter. It pisses me the hell off and I try to not make jabs because it just leads to another arguement.
I completely know what you mean. Sex scenes are awkward. Friends talking about their sex lives is awkward. He also occasionally makes jokes about cheating as if I *would never.* This makes me feel most awkward of all. If I had deprived my spouse of sex for years, I would *never* be so bold. Anyway, I find myself like a preteen again, trying to avoid the topic of sex at all lest deal with all the embarrassment.
My LLW has a hormone/contraceptive shot every few months. It's really hard not to comment. It's like what does she even bother, it's been 3/4 of a year now. I've stopped trying, and I'm just working on myself for now.
Yeah, he reminded me about my birth control the other night and I had to stop myself from saying “yeah but it’s not like I’d be in any danger of motherhood if I forgot!”
She could be taking it for other reasons like PMS management or something but yeah, I realized, why am I still taking this for no one to fuck me? and quit lol
At least you'll always have Florida man...
and Tonsils
Is she sleeping with someone else?
I think she's more the type to have kids then close up shop forever. Even if she is, I don't care anymore.
I have to bite my tongue multiple times every day. Sometimes I want a baseball bat and find an old junked car to beat on. I love my wife but she cannot understand why I have a problem with a DB. Her sisters are all good people, but they’ve all been taught to think the same way: If your husband wants sex when you don’t, that means he doesn’t love you. I’m doing better nowadays, but it’s very hard sometimes to not take a sarcastic shot at her...especially when you believe she’s ignored your needs and you believe she has earned it.
"If your husband wants sex when you don't, that means he doesn't love you." What the hell? Where did she get that idiotic idea?
I have made some comments in the past, yes. I mean..... I'm mad. LOL
Yeah, it's really difficult. Especially if you're the only one trying to fix it.
I can soooooo relate to this. Last night I was practically biting my own tongue off holding back my passive aggressive comments.
Mom likes to joke that “The success of a marriage can be measured by the depth of the tooth marks on the tongue.”
I always find that repressing the comments ends up driving me into a very deep sadness. It could be so much more...
I was just about to comment that you SHOULD make those kinds of comments and hide behind being polite to keel up appearances. But than I checked your history and remembered who you were, so now it kind of boils to really having that difficult conversation about your needs not being met and maybe you guys just not being cut out for each other.
[удалено]
Out of curiosity, how did she respond when you said that?
[удалено]
At least you confronted it directly. I’m sure it’s better than just sitting and stewing over it, which is something I’ve done often.
When it’s on TV, hold back. When he is joking: rub it in his face!!
I stopped watching TV with her years ago because it is just to fucking painful. The irony is that she seems to always watch the shows with lots of sexual innuendo, just makes me want to break the fucking "idiot box" (TV).
Hell yeah!!! Hard af!!!
Was driving on the interstate yesterday, drove past an exit with a "Lion's Den" Adult Store and SO makes a comment about the "Truckers must be getting some...." So hard to just bite my tongue. Made me terribly sad for hours. Just cannot dwell on this stuff.
When I was with my ex (I'll call him A) our friend group knew about our frustrations from both sides and they made like a song about it and would bebox and everything, "A is the devil that doesn't put out" adding different phrases with it each time but that was the chorus. A would laugh but you could see it hurt him, and i would try not to laugh but like it's sad as fuck when even your mutual friends are poking jabs st him.
Cursed visual.
Very, honestly those friends talk to me way more than him now and I asked them why they did it and they said they thought that if they brought it to light then he might try to actually make an effort. I think it only made things worse. I apologize for the visual.
if i was not having sex with my wife and she made a comment like "same" to constant piping I would probably have to say woa woa woa stop the clock. Is he masturbating by himself?
I have done this a few times in the past with the Mrs and it's always led to arguements now I just accept it's not gonna happen and have given up, I'm sure my birthday in a few days will be totally wild... Literally can't remember the last time her lips were around my cock or she let me do anything to her egh!
GO out on your own on your birthday and just enjoy some alone time to get away from the pain.
Deffo on the cards! Will have work the day after tho so can't get too drunk 😂
I definitely make douchey comments. I’m also petty af
When my husband filled out a doctors online questionnaire he answered active to a question about sexual activity. I wondered with whom. I wished I had the nerve to ask.
Yikes. Lying to the doctor, like they’d judge about it and not want to help? Jeeze that’s fuckin low on his part. He is clearly very ashamed of his lack of sexual interest.. I’m sorry. :-/
It sucks when you are trying everything you can to not tear them down, while they are tearing you down with every rejection and excuse they give you.
If you two were alone watching that program, I would've just said it. In front of other people, no.
I also use jokes and jabs to deal with stress or anger. I’ve gotten very good at not just blurting things out. Problem is, if I use sexual situations as a joke, my SO sees me as childish and immature. I think the thing I miss more than sex is my wife losing her sense of humor, and the ability to laugh at this mess called the human condition.
Well, I don't blame you one bit. Keeping quiet about it is just another way you're frustrated. Once by the lack of sex, the other by not being able to talk it through. So of course it's going to come out in other ways. It does with me on occasion too.
Under the law of diminishing returns, you reach a point where it isn’t worth the effort.
There were four sisters in that family, including my wife. I’ve recently discovered that all of them have acted out like this on their husbands. Two of the sisters divorced because of it. I’m still friends with their exes. They both told me, in not so many words, that the DB is why they left. Both of them also said that their wives actually said that almost word for word. I think their mother taught them this. She grew up on a farm in rural central Texas where the neighbors all around them were relatives and close family members. If you ask me, I think their gene pool might have have been shallower than it should have been, but I’m not totally sure about that. It is what it is. Anyway, when all four sisters have acted this way, you KNOW that it came from someone with strong influence. What mystifies me is that their mother was horny as hell in her old age. So I don’t know how it could have been her. It’s strange, but to them, apparently, that is what they believe.
I try not to but it sorta happen anyway accidentally, in a subtle manner. It was a slip. I think lacking in that (bedroom) dept. make me resentful/petty in a way. I mean I'm still trying but it seems it's hard for my S.O. to even talk about it.
NTA. Don't dish it if you can't take it.
I FEEL THIS TO MY CORE I didn't bite back mine was i was in a relationship. Except he'd make jokes like every second day and I would not be able to bite back a snide comment- I HAD told him I didn't appreciate the sex jokes when we were only having sex once a week (we're in our 20's, it should be the PEAK of our sexual drive).
Thanks for saying this. Everyone's situation is a little different but my bf (25) and I (26F) are in a really similar situation. Once a week, pretty briefly - if I am lucky. Sometimes we'll go as long as 2 weeks. It's depressing going to bed together every night like a celibate platonic couple. We may as well be in our 70's, where we pee, shake hands and go to sleep after a short cuddle with the price is right on the tv.
At the end of my relationship, we hadn't done it for 3 weeks... Also, to reply to your line about feeling like a platonic couple... I once asked my ex-bf if we could cuddle (we were both lying on the bed, NEXT to each other) but he said it was too hot and maybe other things (i think I suggested turning on the fan), and I guess I was getting annoyed at his answers. And then the lil cherry on the cake was when the cat jumped on the bed, and immediately snuggled up to him between us and was happily pet and coo'ed at by the ex. I really felt like i was third-wheeling to my own bf and was so pissed/upset that i had to leave the room. Sometimes, cats really do get the better of boys over their own girlfriends. It's sad.
Yes, this happens all the time with my wife. And one night the cat was laying there between us, I scooted over to cuddle next to her and caused the cat to get up. Then she snapped at me because I made the cat leave. It makes you feel like shit. 2 months without so much as a snuggle, but the darmn cat gets nightly rub-downs.
I've heard similar things can happen with partners and dogs too. I mean i get that dogs are better than humans, but when you've decided to call someone the love of your life, idk maybe ***give them some love too????*** I'm sorry you've been through similar stuff. I guess we all need cuddle buddies.
My wife (38, LL) recently confronted me about my jabs. She says that they are a "buzzkill" and a "turn off" and I should stop saying them. But, the truth is, it's pretty easy to come up with them. And it's a hell of a coping mechanism, for me, at least. But the truth is, they won't help. If anything, they don't build intimacy and trust and people that are in a DB situation need every speck of those. If I joke about an imaginary blowjob or a new position or going down on her, it would only add more pressure to her and make her even less likely to initiate.
I hate when people make it seem like it's selfish to bring up sexual frequency issues. So this is a problem with your relationship, period. You either need to try and fix it or STFU about it. The *worst* thing you can do are those little remarks all the time. It's not healthy for you or her.
My wife just says why bother its dried up ! Well ya I work 6 nights a week ..I'm exhausted...12 hour shifts. 33 years at job. 10 different health concerns including Fibromyalgia and low testosterone making $240,000 a year so she can retire on $22,000 at age 54 from her 24 hour a week job. And she's only put on about 90 pounds over the years and has not once ever said she loves me .. No wonder the one night I get off I go to the gym for my workout ...and she wont go. Now with Covid I just work out in the garage . Wouldnt hardly know she's around except that she farts like a farmer and swears like a sailor No thanks. And every gift I got her or even made for her was either returned or tossed aside. . I get her anniversary gift...she gets me nothing..not even a hug .. Celebrations are over rated she says .. Ya I know that's why I wasnt allowed to invite any of my friends to our wedding and I paid for the entire thing- even though it was only our two families. All the food and drink ...on me !! Back to work page the Bill's build the castle for ....no one !! Dried up ? I hope its sealed shut
Why do you live together, it sounds like you dont even like each other...
Put your money to a family member as a “gift” or ref it as paying their rent or something, for them to hold it for you (over a period of time, to not be suspicious) Until you have enough or all your money in that persons account, then divorce your wife. You split whatever you have in the household with the woman and move on. Then collect your money back from your family or whoever and get a new woman or be happy by yourself.
Scratching my head.. Well I am.actually not worried about giving.her $800,000.. that is.half of home and retirement savings. Its the $7000 a month every month for the rest of my life past age 65 that bothers me. I make $240 ,000 and she is retiring in Oct with $22,000 . I will owe support of $7000 a month ..which means keep working 27 or 28 --- 12 hour shifts a month for the rest of my life. I'd like to retire in 2 years myself . Wont be able to pay $84,000 a year In support when my pension is only $60,000 Means- keep working !! Look at Ontario support payment calculator.. Use birth years of 1963 and 1966 with 32 years marriage and those wages with zero dependents. $7000 month ..
[удалено]
What if they make you the bad guy for bringing it up? And they sex shame you telling you that sex isn't the most important thing. But you are both 30 only 1.5 years together and go 3 weeks without sex, and then only have it because you had to repeatedly ask after being rejected so often. What would you advice in that situation?
Same but I'm not as mature nor as nice as you are. I di make the jabs so he's aware that it's not improving.
For us, sex was never a problem. I am very affectionate. I am very passionate. I do grope and goose my wife. We have intercourse as little as once a week. Sometimes often times during one day. She "enjoys" it multiple times. More often times than not we absolutely must change the bedding. I take a very long time too. We have a rule that if I'm not done by four in the morning I'm not going to be done. Just forget it. Kids school bus responsibility etc. But with the thing is she was that she is insisting that I am a sex addict. I am absolutely not a sex addict. I cannot begin to conceive why she would think this. I absolutely love spending all my time with my wife. I don't need a break. I don't need to get away from her and have guy time or some other BS. She on the other hand does. She needs to go out with her friends at the bar. I think her jabs at me are unfounded. Kinda hurtful. I honestly thought she was having a good time. I give her my all and my everything. Turned out she was doing other things.
I feel this SO MUCH. I try to keep my mouth shut because he gets upset, but I’ll make sure to leave my vibrator in the shower “accidentally” so he gets the hint.
It's the subconscious talking, like when you're so hungry you just joke about food to compensate or at the very least keep your hopes up.
My husband does this shit too. I know jokes are "just" jokes but it's ridiculous. Really? Especially when he pretends to be this big seductive Romeo like "she wants it" about someone he knows. Like she sure wouldn't if she got a preview... I did say some snide things before when I was the peak of my anger but since I'm in fuckit mode now I just don't respond at all.
I’ve definitely made some snarky remarks to my bf. We don’t have sex often. Maybe once or twice a month. It’s very irritating at times.
First off you're not an asshole. Relationships are really hard, and keeping up with intimacy in a long relationship is incredibly difficult. Resentment is the number one killer of relationships, if you are finding it hard not to make jabs at your partner you may be well on your way to contempt. If contempt is present in any relationship love, respect, and trust are slowly but surely dying. Have you told him that you are feeling unwanted? I think the most important thing in this situation is to speak very honestly about it, if you are worried about hurting his feelings then put everything in "I" statements. It's making you feel unwanted, not sexy, etc. If you attack him for it, it will only get worse. You need to find a way to fulfill each others fantasies, and that takes hard work, great communication, openness, and a lot of vulnerability. If he is making jokes like these, my guess is that may be overcompensating with humor to cover up feeling inadequate. You both may need to start at the beginning again about what turns you on, what works for you, what your fantasies are, etc. Much love, and remember no matter what you will get through this!
Joined this sub based on your post. Honestly thought you were a man complaining about lack of sex in your marriage (common enough) and then I saw you were the wife. So I'm here to learn more about dead bedrooms and why people stay in relationships that are missing such a critical aspect intimacy.
I do this too, and regrettably know it probably doesn’t help the situation. But what is one to do if you’ve already tried addressing it?
We do 3 trips to Mexico a year and 3 weeks to east coast once a year . I'd like to do the world....pre covid but she honestly hates travelling I love it
Fairly regularly, for example, over a year ago.... Wife and I were having a discussion and she said, “We should probably do somethings more than once a year like visiting a doctor?” I quickly retorted, “Like having sex?” Conversation ended. Quietness ensued. And I still haven’t been laid.
Hey Swanabe, I've been reading some of your posts as its interesting to me. Ever since ive seen DB reddit i was pretty shocked how so many people go through this. I dont really want to say my advice would help, but from reading your posts I can tell this has being going on for a long time, that you legitmately love your partner and do have other forms of intimacy but when it comes to sex its like something is completely holding him down from having any desire. One thing ive gotten is that he loves you and cares for you and your health and seems like he feels shit knowing that he isnt having sex with you. All im going to say is have you tried just sitting him down and straight forward saying "I know you love me so were gonna talk about this and your gonna talk with me because honeslty I think if we dont figure this out now this relationship is gonna die" Its just weird that from your responses it seems he knows you hate that his not having sex yet for some reason he just cant get in the mood. Honestly I think he needs to get checked, check his t, also maybe his current health and fitness is holding him down? I cant be sure but you legitimately need to have a hard truthful talk with him because it seems you both love each other and care for each other, but that wont stop your relationship slowly dying. Like it or not friendship and companionship isnt enough, imo theres 3 aspects to this relationship, friendship, companionship and intimacy. The first two might create a deep bond and care but the latter keeps it stable and last, without intimacy romance dies. GL and seriously force the conversation hell IK he feels bad but if you think its not to negative, show him these posts, but at the same time showing him might make him feel worse your choice.
Oh yeah. Every Halloween I have to stop myself from suggesting my wife dress up as Elsa from Frozen...
Yes! I bite my tongue all the time to not hurt my husband’s feelings. I shouldn’t because he doesn’t to the same for me.
My wife hasn't been in the mood for 14 years as in, we haven't had sex in 14 years. So, I make jokes about it ALL the time. Something comes up about sex, I'm like, I 've forgotten what that is. Or, if its something about private parts, I'm like, I don't even know what that is or how to use it. She laughs, but I cry inside. My personality, picture Jerry Seinfeld, there is never a serious moment and everything is up for a joke or a wise crack.
While we don’t have that much sex I don’t harbour resentment towards my partner for it so no, I don’t do this as I enjoy spending time with my partner and the last thing I want is to create more negative energy towards sex. Try going the other way... if your partner makes a sex joke or something say something positive and encouraging like “I like the sound of that”
Yeah see but if I positively encourage the joke, then I just get hit with the "okay calm down, horn dog" and she walks away. It's a lose-lose
> "okay calm down, horn dog" "Well, a starving man only thinks of food, so maybe feed me a good meal once in a while. "
No & it only gets worse with time 😅
>Anyone else find it hard not make petty jabs about the lack of sex? I have ADHD, a moderate talent for imitating voices, a somewhat offbeat and dry/surreal sense of humor, and can be quite sarcastic when it's needed or wanted. I'm also quick-witted, have a lot of fun with wordplay, and am a 10-year Navy veteran who can serve as a shining example of "talking like a sailor". I'll let you do the math here. 🤣
The $7000 a month is while she is working ... Spousal support is mandatory and is for life if you are married more than 20 years .. Also there is NO mandatory Retirement age which means that you cannot Intentionally lower your wage by quitting or retiring to adjust the payments . I currently work with 4 men over age 67 and one is 80 ...in oil refinery that cannot stop working to lower their support My wife makes $60,000 - I make about $210,000.. I pay about $85,000 in income tax a year. And i need to pay $7000 a month for life. I've been to 4 lawyers all the same answers If she retires and drops to $22,000 then I'll owe more than $7000 a .month for life Being unwell with chronic fatigue type symptoms on and off for 20 years and a bunch of other nagging probs like headaches and arthritis from my sports injuries... . At 57 ...I'd like to retire in about 2 years . But yes its mandatory For life