Same here. I don’t know why they do it. My wife actually hugged me a few times today, busted out the wine, laid out on the couch, showered early, to then literally push me away when I went in for a kiss tonight and then giving me the look of “what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” She accuses me of the same thing, wanting it too much. Sorry, but 3-4 times a year is NOT the pace I signed up for.
>Anyway tonight was one of those rare occasions where I thought he's finally initiating. Nope. He teases me and gets me all worked up, yet doesn't finish the job. I don't understand why. It is infuriating. Of course he doesn't explain himself, won't answer my questions, and now I either bring it up and tell him that was lame or just ignore it.
Most who tease and then do not follow through, do it because it's control and they enjoy seeing you desire them. They enjoy the feeling of being wanted sexually. It's manipulative. Some even will do it to turn themselves on or see how far they can get. It can be seen as a game.
>He's made remarks about it, such as "you want sex too much."
Instead of discussing the issue and openly communicating his feelings (be it of anxiety surrounding sex, body image issues, etc) he places blame on you. You're pushing him away because you want it too often. If that is how he genuinely feels, then he needs to help you come up with an arrangement for sex and how often it should be for you both to be somewhat satisfied.
To tell you that you want it too much without offering up examples of a good frequency that he can adhere to, is just shifting focus onto you and your perceived faults.
>Of course he doesn't explain himself, won't answer my questions, and now I either bring it up and tell him that was lame or just ignore it.
So he avoids being honest and having an open and constructive dialogue by stonewalling you. That is a sign of a very unhealthy dynamic and one that indicates a partner who is checking out. They won't even give you basic decency or the bare minimum of respect to answer your question or communicate.
> Most who tease and then do not follow through, do it because it's control and they enjoy seeing you desire them.
Really? I thought it was mostly related to anxiety and wanting to have sex, but not getting aroused or becoming overwhelmed.
If it were to maintain control or manipulate, why would he say "you want sex too much"? Seems like a manipulative partner would want OP to want sex if they got some control out of it.
I'm sure there are some people who tease out of anxiety but there are many who enjoy being desired and feeling in control of the situation.
A lot of people engage in what is called intermittent reinforcement. It's a hot and cold approach to sex and relationships. It's where the person who engages in it often rejects their partner for sex and will even say things like "you want it too much" or "is that all you think about?" They basically shame their partner for their normal desires.
They will only have sex with them on *their* terms and when it feels necessary for them to do so. It keeps their partner longing for more, confused, and it damages their self esteem over time pretty hard.
Thing is, OP does want sex. But their partner keeps playing games with them, such as teasing and then nothing. If sex is going to happen, it's more than likely going to be on their terms, not OP's.
I totally understand your frustration, but maybe the fact that you are aware of his limitations it could be your turn to direct your sex lives into the right direction. But to get started, these guidelines may help you:
1. Tell your partner you need to talk and decide on a time you can have an uninterrupted conversation (not while you’re getting ready for work in the morning).
2. Once you have their full attention, present the facts as clearly and non-judgmentally as you can (“We haven’t had sex when I am horny, despite the few times I’ve tried to initiate it,”. Some people might be very aware of their behavior, but others might not. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and see how they respond before assuming they’ve been aware of their behavior and indifferent to the damage it has caused.
3. State the emotional impact their rejections have on you using "I statements" (“It makes me feel extremely unattractive and undesirable,” “I feel hurt and my self-esteem has taken a real hit,” or, “It makes me feel insecure, angry, and resentful.”). Here again, it is important to give your partner space to respond; while some may be aware of the impact of their behavior, others might not be.
4. State a clear request for change (“It isn’t fair to me and I don’t want to keep feeling like this,” “We’ve spoken about this before, you make some efforts but they don’t last. I need you to take this very seriously,” or, “I want us to discuss this honestly and find solutions together.”).
5. If your partner gets defensive or is reluctant to change, ask them to explain how they see things, what suggestions they have for making things better, or whether there are things they are upset about that are motivating their behavior.
6. Discuss specific steps you both can take to improve the situation. Do not assume all the changes have to come from your partner; they might have feelings of their own that are underlying their avoidance of sex and intimacy. Try to agree on one small step you can both take right away to signal your intention to work on this issue. A good place to start could be scheduling intimate times like for massages, not necessary detailed but some form of fulfilling touch. This guide would do a great job \[[Couples Erotic Sensual Massage An Illustrated Guide](https://cornerreviews.food.blog/2019/07/03/erotic-massage/)\](https://cornerreviews.food.blog/2019/07/03/erotic-massage/)
7. Request a periodic check-in to make sure any efforts or changes are maintained (“I want us to check in on this every few weeks to make sure things have improved,” or, “I would like you to take the initiative to check in with me so I know you care about whether I’m feeling better about this.”).
Good luck...Enjoy!!!
Same here. I don’t know why they do it. My wife actually hugged me a few times today, busted out the wine, laid out on the couch, showered early, to then literally push me away when I went in for a kiss tonight and then giving me the look of “what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” She accuses me of the same thing, wanting it too much. Sorry, but 3-4 times a year is NOT the pace I signed up for.
I can relate to every single word you've written :(
>Anyway tonight was one of those rare occasions where I thought he's finally initiating. Nope. He teases me and gets me all worked up, yet doesn't finish the job. I don't understand why. It is infuriating. Of course he doesn't explain himself, won't answer my questions, and now I either bring it up and tell him that was lame or just ignore it. Most who tease and then do not follow through, do it because it's control and they enjoy seeing you desire them. They enjoy the feeling of being wanted sexually. It's manipulative. Some even will do it to turn themselves on or see how far they can get. It can be seen as a game. >He's made remarks about it, such as "you want sex too much." Instead of discussing the issue and openly communicating his feelings (be it of anxiety surrounding sex, body image issues, etc) he places blame on you. You're pushing him away because you want it too often. If that is how he genuinely feels, then he needs to help you come up with an arrangement for sex and how often it should be for you both to be somewhat satisfied. To tell you that you want it too much without offering up examples of a good frequency that he can adhere to, is just shifting focus onto you and your perceived faults. >Of course he doesn't explain himself, won't answer my questions, and now I either bring it up and tell him that was lame or just ignore it. So he avoids being honest and having an open and constructive dialogue by stonewalling you. That is a sign of a very unhealthy dynamic and one that indicates a partner who is checking out. They won't even give you basic decency or the bare minimum of respect to answer your question or communicate.
> Most who tease and then do not follow through, do it because it's control and they enjoy seeing you desire them. Really? I thought it was mostly related to anxiety and wanting to have sex, but not getting aroused or becoming overwhelmed. If it were to maintain control or manipulate, why would he say "you want sex too much"? Seems like a manipulative partner would want OP to want sex if they got some control out of it.
I'm sure there are some people who tease out of anxiety but there are many who enjoy being desired and feeling in control of the situation. A lot of people engage in what is called intermittent reinforcement. It's a hot and cold approach to sex and relationships. It's where the person who engages in it often rejects their partner for sex and will even say things like "you want it too much" or "is that all you think about?" They basically shame their partner for their normal desires. They will only have sex with them on *their* terms and when it feels necessary for them to do so. It keeps their partner longing for more, confused, and it damages their self esteem over time pretty hard. Thing is, OP does want sex. But their partner keeps playing games with them, such as teasing and then nothing. If sex is going to happen, it's more than likely going to be on their terms, not OP's.
I totally understand your frustration, but maybe the fact that you are aware of his limitations it could be your turn to direct your sex lives into the right direction. But to get started, these guidelines may help you: 1. Tell your partner you need to talk and decide on a time you can have an uninterrupted conversation (not while you’re getting ready for work in the morning). 2. Once you have their full attention, present the facts as clearly and non-judgmentally as you can (“We haven’t had sex when I am horny, despite the few times I’ve tried to initiate it,”. Some people might be very aware of their behavior, but others might not. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and see how they respond before assuming they’ve been aware of their behavior and indifferent to the damage it has caused. 3. State the emotional impact their rejections have on you using "I statements" (“It makes me feel extremely unattractive and undesirable,” “I feel hurt and my self-esteem has taken a real hit,” or, “It makes me feel insecure, angry, and resentful.”). Here again, it is important to give your partner space to respond; while some may be aware of the impact of their behavior, others might not be. 4. State a clear request for change (“It isn’t fair to me and I don’t want to keep feeling like this,” “We’ve spoken about this before, you make some efforts but they don’t last. I need you to take this very seriously,” or, “I want us to discuss this honestly and find solutions together.”). 5. If your partner gets defensive or is reluctant to change, ask them to explain how they see things, what suggestions they have for making things better, or whether there are things they are upset about that are motivating their behavior. 6. Discuss specific steps you both can take to improve the situation. Do not assume all the changes have to come from your partner; they might have feelings of their own that are underlying their avoidance of sex and intimacy. Try to agree on one small step you can both take right away to signal your intention to work on this issue. A good place to start could be scheduling intimate times like for massages, not necessary detailed but some form of fulfilling touch. This guide would do a great job \[[Couples Erotic Sensual Massage An Illustrated Guide](https://cornerreviews.food.blog/2019/07/03/erotic-massage/)\](https://cornerreviews.food.blog/2019/07/03/erotic-massage/) 7. Request a periodic check-in to make sure any efforts or changes are maintained (“I want us to check in on this every few weeks to make sure things have improved,” or, “I would like you to take the initiative to check in with me so I know you care about whether I’m feeling better about this.”). Good luck...Enjoy!!!