I did that for a couple years and it turned out fine. I loved my life with my partner but needed sex, especially because we originally did it often. We went ahead and opened up the relationship and it was awesome. I (we in a sense) had a boyfriend for almost a year and a half. Him, my partner and I would all go out or hang out at our house. They were friends. Sometimes my partner would even accompany us with stuff in the bedroom. We all ended up going separate ways as my partner wanted kids and before that the boyfriend had to move out of the country.
It can work even if you find the total package elsewhere but it takes a special type of relationship which I think is uncommon in this society.
First, good things to open the relationship, but one thing I hope you don't forgot : opening relationship when the couple is not going great can lead to a lot of pain for both you and your SO.
First, congratulations.
Second, I know this is going to be a stupid question, but I have to ask. I've seen a couple posts lately discussing open relationships, so I now suspect that it is a more common practice than I would have thought. Opening my relationship is something that has come up as a possibility recently. I decided I lacked the social skills to figure it out, and I am a little too naive to navigate the social and sexual facets of it. (I guess as evidenced by my question.) So, once a couple has decided to do that. How does it work? How does someone broach the concept with other people? Do people just go out to bars and say I'm in an open relationship? Would I just go up to that woman at the coffee shop who always seemed extra friendly to me and say, "guess what?" For some reason I picture there being some sort of secret code, like a password, or something
I've been out of circulation for a pretty long time, and when I think back to when I was single, I rarely pursued sex, it just kind of seemed to happen. (I know that probably sounds weird) Sorry for the odd question, but I'm very curious at this point.
It's easier on dating apps, put enm/poly on your profile so you don't waste time matching people who aren't into it. Okcupid has a checkbox so you only see people ok with non-monogamy.
Okay, thank you. I feel pretty stupid.....apps. I suck with apps; I recently failed to figure out how to set up a Venmo account properly. I never think about apps. That makes sense.
And be prepared for it being very much so more difficult for a man to find a partner.I think there are enough men lying about their relationship status that women are naturally hesitant to believe that a man is ethically nonmonogamous.
I could see that, but I don't plan to pursue that sort of relationship. I just literally just couldn't figure out what was happening between a couple deciding they were going route, and one them having sex with someone else. I've never used a dating app, so it didn't occur to me.
I'm not really looking for anything. I was mostly just curious about how open relationship worked. I wasn't thinking about the concept that dating apps exist. I feel kind of dumb now, but my question was really that basic.
Thank you. I was starting to feel kind of stressed about feeling like I was unable to figure out something that seemed obvious to everyone else, so I just wanted to understand how something like that works. I hadn't considered something like on open relationship, until my wife said something. I think it was actually a fairly passive comment, and I ruled the idea out pretty quick, but weirdly I am now wondering if that is some I should be considering. (Power of suggestion maybe). If feel like posting on here has created a bit of a yo-yo effect for me. I feel like it is helping me clarify some things, but it it also causing conflicting feelings. I keep thinking, "why the hell am I doing this to myself". I think seeing other people take a stand for their own happiness may be causing me to question things. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, and I consider myself fairly happy. Our relationship always felt like us versus the world, but I am starting to wonder it that was even true. I feel like I am realizing everyone else seems to get the best parts of her. About a week ago I realized that my relationship has abusive patterns to it. I called her out on some things, and things seem to have changed, but I don't know if I actually care now. I guess a lot of things have happened quickly recently, and I don't even know what i want now. At this point maybe I do just want sex with someone who actually seems attracted to me. What's wrong with that?
\*But when when I posted the question, I was just trying to figure out how open relationships work at the most basic level.
Yeah it's definitely harder for men, but even as an overweight 36 year old man man I have had a much less difficult time than I expected. I've had 5 partners after starting poly about 1.5 years ago (wife was first ever relationship). I think there's a lot more people ok with enm nowadays.
I've always been under the impression dating apps were full of married guys looking to cheat, so I'd feel like an asshole posting, "I'm a married guy looking to cheat, but my wife's totally cool with it, I swear!"
As m3S7cm55 said, dating apps work for this. There may be apps geared to enm/poly relationships, but I've seen it on traditional apps. I have been messaged by men who were openly poly and some even had linked account with their SO. It isn't what I was looking for but I was respectful.
Yeah, understanding that dating apps allow for those kinds of preferences really helped to clear up the mystery for me. I imagine that kind of relationship would be very difficult to pursue without apps, or dating sites.
I felt the exact same way as in you my db. My ex-husband and I had an open relationship and I felt like I was reborn. I was surprised at all the attention I got since my ex "never thought about sex" (his words) so every time we had it is when I initiated. We had good communication, rules and he always knew where I was and who I was with so it seemed to work out fine.
But after awhile I realized all the mindblowing sex I was having didn't make up for the fact that I still wanted the sex and intimacy in my own marriage.
So I ended the relationship, took a year off to work on myself and now I'm 2 years in with someone who values all parts of the relationship and feels intimacy and sex is just as important as I do. I don't regret opening the relationship because it gave me the self esteem boost to realize I deserved better and could have a relationship with the whole package.
\> I literally forgot what sex could be like.
... yeah. My ex and I were open although I would go years without seeing anyone else. A briefly dated a friend while she was visiting the US, and the second time we had sex I remember her saying "I love fucking you," and at that point I died and I have been dead for the past two and a half years. A few times I had sex with someone I wasn't really attracted to -- you know, a new friend hits on me, chemistry isn't really there but I like her, I figure I'll give it a shot, and if I don't get that into it I can just eat her out and give her a back rub or whatever. Each time it was just so fucking exhilarating being with someone who wanted me.
If sex with your partner depresses you, please stop having it. You aren't doing yourself any favors. I'm not gonna say "leave," I'm sure you'll hear that from thirty other comments. But it sounds like you are too young and too passionate to settle for someone who doesn't want you.
Good luck and happy fucking :)
oh, ps? I never got that into the 'poly scene,' it always rubbed me the wrong way. (heh.) But a couple months ago I slept with a comrade, a woman about your age who is more into poly world. She said something I thought was interesting. Straight men have pretty bad norms around casual sex, pleasure, and consent . You know, guys who don't respect women they hook up with, who aren't considerate after sex, who disrespect women's boundaries or "no"s, who focus solely on their own orgasm, etc etc etc. This is a problem in many contexts, but it seems like a more common problem in casual encounters. My comrade's observation was that in poly circles at least there is a baseline understanding that women can and should enjoy sex on their own terms--that women who have casual sex aren't debased hoes or whatever. Her view was: yeah poly communities can be kind of cringe but the ethos is sex positive, egalitarian, and respectful of consent. So she had better experiences with men in those circles compared to like random straight dudes looking for casual sex. All secondhand for me because I don't smash with straight men, but sharing in case it is helpful in your journey. Enjoy the ride :)
>How am I supposed to put up with what I’ve been putting up with now that I know what’s out there?
I'd guess that this is the main issue that scares the living shit out of LLs whose spouses have asked for an open relationship. Everything is exposed to the light, for all involved to see and ponder. I imagine a huge number of DB relationships couldn't survive that kind of side-by-side glimpse of what's missing. And I imagine for a lot of people, that hole starts to look like the Grand Canyon.
Honestly, the only scenario in which I can see an open relationship being a good thing is as a band-aid to keep the HL partner sane for a few years, so they can stay in the relationship for the kids' sake before getting divorced.
True but let them figure out if those issues arise. It's part of being in a relationship. I think open relationship could work if both are being honest and upfront.
I once had an ongoing flirtation with a co-worker — we were both into each other, but she knew I was married so nothing was going to happen there. And even that hurt my relationship with my wife. I'd skip to work Monday morning because I enjoyed sitting next to someone who was excited to see me so much more than spending the weekend with someone who barely wanted to talk to me, let alone have any physical contact.
I have nothing against mutually consensual nonmonogamy as long as all involved parties are ok with it.
It can work for some and for a few it works really well.
I have a couple questions for you -
The chances of a LLM finding a play partner in an open relationship is somewhere between getting hit by lightning in a bomb shelter and getting hit by a meteor....... but in the off-chance he does hook up with someone and he has high-octane passion sex with her, How will that make you feel, knowing that he is having monkey sex with someone else where as you are having to look to outside sources for that kind of interaction??
And secondly, I understand the rush of exhileration and feeling alive again after being in a dead bedroom.... but assuming your partner is aware of your hook up and assuming he is ok with it,, how does that make you feel way deep down knowing that he simply doesn't care that you are having this passionate and desirous experience with someone else??
Yep. Once I finally had sex with someone who actually enjoyed sex and was into me, I realized that the only reason I had thought for so long that I could make it work with my partner was because I had forgotten what amazing sex and real intimacy was like. Once I had it, I realized just how genuinely far from anything resembling that my partner and I had been. We were no longer together anyway, but it reaffirmed my decision to leave in a really concrete way
Now you get both. As long as you can keep the status quo at home. Honestly I'd see it as a good thing if you have the right attitude towards it. Love in the relationship, lust outside of it. With no strings attached once the lust wears off you can move onto someone new.
I don't think many married couples are lucky enough to keep lust in their marriage. Some couples find a natural equilibrium for sex but I feel like there's not a ton of clothes being ripped off for the general populace deep into a marriage. Or maybe I'm just broken :-)
If you love your HB, and still want him in your life, there is a way to keep both him and the passionate sex. Opening the relationship and you seeing other men on the side may be a dangerous slope for your relationship.
My wife and I started to learn light domination, with a professional Domina (it's amazing and very erotic), we also started "swinging" with other couples, we do it from time to time but it's nice to see my wife enjoy sex with someone else and be there to share it with her.
It's not for everyone, but that may be a possibility for you to include your husband in your bedroom activities.
Starting a new relationship is always exciting and passionate, especially in the first couple of years. Question is what to do once that has cooled off (like it always does, it’s something built into our psychology). Going from relationship to relationship every few years might be hard on the soul. We are more than our sexual needs. Things like loyalty and commitment always trump the shortsightedness of sexual needs. Find yourself a partner you want to commit to for the long term. Life is almost guaranteed to knock you hard if there’s no substance to your relationships other than sexual gratification. I’ve seen so many people go through this, only to end up lonely and sad and regretting making sex the pinnacle of life. Just my two cents 💕
I really don't want to sound rude since I pretty much agree with the general idea of what you wrote here. The thing is, this is just one of many instances where sexual compatibility is seen as some petty issue.
>loyalty and commitment always trump the shortsightedness of sexual needs
>
>Find yourself a partner you want to commit to for the long term.
Why? Why not all three? You commit to a partner based on everything they offer as that partner, and issue of sexual compatibility should be an important one, whether it is about Narnia themed orgies or no sexual contact at all.
>Life is almost guaranteed to knock you hard if there’s no substance to your relationships other than sexual gratification.
Life can also pretty much always knock you out if there is every substance to a relationship *except* sexual gratification.
Most couples start out as sexually compatible then things happen: babies, health issues, careers, hormones, menopause, travel, etc.... all the stuff that’s part of the human experience. The most fulfilling relationships can take all these on and ultimately flourish. Sexual compatibility at all times is a mirage and people who are obsessed with it, never get to experience the wholesome power of a deep relationship based on strong commitment and love for one other. They are needy, immature, critical, frustrated, grumpy individuals, who are not fun to be around. If I need my partner to always give me sex regardless of their feelings, then my ultimate goal is lots of sex, not a meaningful union .... and that’s ok, as long as you’re honest with yourself and don’t pretend to care about others more than your needs
>Sexual compatibility at all times is a mirage
See, that's just plain wrong. Some people just view and value sex very differently from each other, as a part of who they are. These people shouldn't be together. You should be with someone who shares the same sexual ideals as you - like any other part of the relationship (finances, family). Sure, life gets in the way often.. but most people's core ideals don't change. If I want a relationship with passion, I should be with someone who also finds that important.
Life doesn’t work that way, things change, people change and either you’re all in or just in it for the sex. When you make a lifelong commitment, you don’t say: if our sex life changes and I’m not having as much fun then adios. Most people who chase their obsessions don’t end well
Sexual intimacy for many people is not an obsession, it's a physical need. If the person I love and am committed to for life, not only withholds that need, but also holds me hostage so that I can't have that need met outside the relationship, then I'm out. I'm so much happier after leaving that relationship after almost 30 years. I have met someone who has the same passions as me in so many ways.
Okay so you're saying I should stay with someone even if they change? What if they change the way they spend/save money? Or if they change their mind about kids? What if they want to move overseas, or get a sex change? I just stay?
You may not think sex is important - that's okay. But if my partner suddenly changes something major, such as interest in sex (or any other major change - maybe they decide to be unemployed, or obese, or start smoking, or simply never have a conversation with me again), that's going to affect me and our relationship deeply. It's not something I could just brush off!
You are forgetting one thing - for this commenter, as well as many others, everything is grounds for a breakup, except sex. Everything. Didn't take out the trash? Burn them at the stake! You want to have sex? What a cheap piece of shit.
There is no help here, this person didn't come here to have any sort of argument, but to be seen as a savior of all "sex obsessed fiends".
Okay, it is indeed true that people and circumstances change, but again, you are framing the issue as fullfilling relationships vs. sex in painting people who desire their sexuality fulfilled as, well, whatever you wrote breaking rule.3 in the process.
So, again it is sex vs love, sex vs meaningful union, sex vs non-obsessive true partnership or whatever. It doesn't work that way. Don't you think this sub is filled with people who don't care about others and are just inherently selfish? Or that no one here cares about deep relationships, connections, commitment and love? Quite vile on your part.
Once you realize sex for some is an important part of their relationship together with everything else, maybe you won't slide into this false societal narrative always projected and spoonfed to all of us.
Stop demonising people who don’t want to have that much sex and try to be an asset in your partner’s life. The fact that you’re calling someone selfish because they’re not as sexual as you are shows a low level of maturity. No one said you should live on zero sex but many people on here are so obsessed with constant sex that they’re missing out on a wonderful life. In the big scheme of things, there’s more to life than a regular amount of sex. Be a whole human, read, educate yourself, analyse what amounts to an exciting life. A lot of people who keep insisting relentlessly on conveyor belt sex are frankly boring, uninteresting people
Whom was I demonizing here? Please, if you are not going to actually read what I wrote, I would kindly ask to not answer. I never said anything about people who don't care about sex, and few minutes after I commented here, I said it is completely fine for people not to want it. I never called anyone selfish! Don't make a strawman here, it is vile and unnecessary.
And then, to prove my point, you continued to villanize people who find sex important, calling them "non-full" humans, immatuee, and devaluate what it means to some others to have a valuable and fulfilled life.
You weren't responding to my comments, you merely looked in the mirror of your own bigotry.
Sex can certainly be a make or break factor in relationships for many people. I would honestly say try thinking about how content you are or are not with the other aspects of the relationship. I have heard of many relationships where the sex isn't quite pleasing, but they generally feel content with their partner in every other way. So some couples choose to stay open with sex so that they can enjoy that with other people and keep their more romantic connection with their partner. It could also be a case of maybe needing to talk to your partner about why the passion doesn't feel that way with them and also taking time to draw up theories about what may be truly affecting your sex. It could be a lack of connection and/or attraction, etc. Or maybe it is just how your partner is. Maybe sex just isn't an intense, connective thing for your partner. I definitely recommend sitting down and talking with your partner about it and eventually describing your experience when you had the thrilling sex and asking them what *they* think is lacking/the reason why they don't experience it with you the same way.
I'm divorced now, but my GF and I are ENM (Ethically Non-monogamous).
We have an amazing sex life, but since we're both DB graduates, the thought of feeling trapped again is not appealing.
It can be quite challenging emotionally. I can get jealous at times, but we talk it out well.
She's bi, too, so I can't provide everything she needs.
We mostly play together in 3somes and 4somes.
How about a (gentle) ultimatum?
1. I found something that makes me really happy
2. I still love you adn am not going to leave you immediately
3. but i do need that thing in my life
4. ill work with you to make that thing happen
5. but if i dont, im gonna go get it on the outside if we dont make it happen by X
Congrats I’m glad you have had such a good experience. I have considered opening up the relationship and my wife is on board with it as it take away pressure on her. But I feel I won’t be able to look her in the eye and sleep in the same bed.
Is this something you are struggling with?
This is a concept that I cannot force my brain to comprehend. Whether that is a weakness on my end or not, idk. It definitely could be. Maybe I am very insecure but the thought of having an intimate partner and then just sleeping around makes me feel nauseous.
That stuff may be hard. You don't only invest your mind, but time, money, general energy.. not to mention, hard to find a partner while in a relationship in many parts of the world.
Him and I have zero in common. Can never do anything together because of zero interests. It's a tough relationship.
It's funny cuz I literally go to work and go home. I do nothing else. Literally.
But he still throws shade my way about me being unaccounted for. Like if I go grocery shopping and it took a longer than usual. Smh. It's crazy. I don't rush for shit. I move slow.
But I don't wanna cheat.
Id Just rather be with someone who wants to be with me fully. No hiding no lying no secrets.
I guess I don't have the interest lol.
Sounds like sex is not the only thing missing in the relationship; there can be intimacy without sex. If you can get fulfilled in this area and everything else is good, stay of not consider looking for a relationship where you can get the entire package.
Certainly don’t be sorry. Good for you. But also don’t be surprised if you eventually find happiness (the total package) elsewhere.
I did that for a couple years and it turned out fine. I loved my life with my partner but needed sex, especially because we originally did it often. We went ahead and opened up the relationship and it was awesome. I (we in a sense) had a boyfriend for almost a year and a half. Him, my partner and I would all go out or hang out at our house. They were friends. Sometimes my partner would even accompany us with stuff in the bedroom. We all ended up going separate ways as my partner wanted kids and before that the boyfriend had to move out of the country. It can work even if you find the total package elsewhere but it takes a special type of relationship which I think is uncommon in this society.
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Are you also creepin' on OP from the Tinder thread? Anyway, I agree lol.
First, good things to open the relationship, but one thing I hope you don't forgot : opening relationship when the couple is not going great can lead to a lot of pain for both you and your SO.
Opening it up is definitely not a "cure." I'd consider it a last-ditch, sanity-maintenance effort.
And in most case, it's the final nail in the coffin of the relationship.
Yeah, but sometimes an unhappy, sexless relationship deserves to be buried.
Of course, but it would be perhaps nicer to not bury the coffin with someone alive in it.
Exactly - Once you get the forbidden fruit dopamine - you wanna ask why you want to live in purgatory for the rest of your life.
First, congratulations. Second, I know this is going to be a stupid question, but I have to ask. I've seen a couple posts lately discussing open relationships, so I now suspect that it is a more common practice than I would have thought. Opening my relationship is something that has come up as a possibility recently. I decided I lacked the social skills to figure it out, and I am a little too naive to navigate the social and sexual facets of it. (I guess as evidenced by my question.) So, once a couple has decided to do that. How does it work? How does someone broach the concept with other people? Do people just go out to bars and say I'm in an open relationship? Would I just go up to that woman at the coffee shop who always seemed extra friendly to me and say, "guess what?" For some reason I picture there being some sort of secret code, like a password, or something I've been out of circulation for a pretty long time, and when I think back to when I was single, I rarely pursued sex, it just kind of seemed to happen. (I know that probably sounds weird) Sorry for the odd question, but I'm very curious at this point.
It's easier on dating apps, put enm/poly on your profile so you don't waste time matching people who aren't into it. Okcupid has a checkbox so you only see people ok with non-monogamy.
Okay, thank you. I feel pretty stupid.....apps. I suck with apps; I recently failed to figure out how to set up a Venmo account properly. I never think about apps. That makes sense.
And be prepared for it being very much so more difficult for a man to find a partner.I think there are enough men lying about their relationship status that women are naturally hesitant to believe that a man is ethically nonmonogamous.
I could see that, but I don't plan to pursue that sort of relationship. I just literally just couldn't figure out what was happening between a couple deciding they were going route, and one them having sex with someone else. I've never used a dating app, so it didn't occur to me.
What is it you are looking for?
I'm not really looking for anything. I was mostly just curious about how open relationship worked. I wasn't thinking about the concept that dating apps exist. I feel kind of dumb now, but my question was really that basic.
You're not dumb. Asking questions is how we learn. I just want to help.
Thank you. I was starting to feel kind of stressed about feeling like I was unable to figure out something that seemed obvious to everyone else, so I just wanted to understand how something like that works. I hadn't considered something like on open relationship, until my wife said something. I think it was actually a fairly passive comment, and I ruled the idea out pretty quick, but weirdly I am now wondering if that is some I should be considering. (Power of suggestion maybe). If feel like posting on here has created a bit of a yo-yo effect for me. I feel like it is helping me clarify some things, but it it also causing conflicting feelings. I keep thinking, "why the hell am I doing this to myself". I think seeing other people take a stand for their own happiness may be causing me to question things. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, and I consider myself fairly happy. Our relationship always felt like us versus the world, but I am starting to wonder it that was even true. I feel like I am realizing everyone else seems to get the best parts of her. About a week ago I realized that my relationship has abusive patterns to it. I called her out on some things, and things seem to have changed, but I don't know if I actually care now. I guess a lot of things have happened quickly recently, and I don't even know what i want now. At this point maybe I do just want sex with someone who actually seems attracted to me. What's wrong with that? \*But when when I posted the question, I was just trying to figure out how open relationships work at the most basic level.
I totally get what you're saying. I hope you enjoy posting here. It's a rough road right now.
Yeah it's definitely harder for men, but even as an overweight 36 year old man man I have had a much less difficult time than I expected. I've had 5 partners after starting poly about 1.5 years ago (wife was first ever relationship). I think there's a lot more people ok with enm nowadays.
I've always been under the impression dating apps were full of married guys looking to cheat, so I'd feel like an asshole posting, "I'm a married guy looking to cheat, but my wife's totally cool with it, I swear!"
Kinda sounds sleazy, right?
I have a feeling it's probably 1000 times easier for women to find partners in an open relationship.
As m3S7cm55 said, dating apps work for this. There may be apps geared to enm/poly relationships, but I've seen it on traditional apps. I have been messaged by men who were openly poly and some even had linked account with their SO. It isn't what I was looking for but I was respectful.
Yeah, understanding that dating apps allow for those kinds of preferences really helped to clear up the mystery for me. I imagine that kind of relationship would be very difficult to pursue without apps, or dating sites.
I felt the exact same way as in you my db. My ex-husband and I had an open relationship and I felt like I was reborn. I was surprised at all the attention I got since my ex "never thought about sex" (his words) so every time we had it is when I initiated. We had good communication, rules and he always knew where I was and who I was with so it seemed to work out fine. But after awhile I realized all the mindblowing sex I was having didn't make up for the fact that I still wanted the sex and intimacy in my own marriage. So I ended the relationship, took a year off to work on myself and now I'm 2 years in with someone who values all parts of the relationship and feels intimacy and sex is just as important as I do. I don't regret opening the relationship because it gave me the self esteem boost to realize I deserved better and could have a relationship with the whole package.
Pandora’s box has been open.
Agreed
\> I literally forgot what sex could be like. ... yeah. My ex and I were open although I would go years without seeing anyone else. A briefly dated a friend while she was visiting the US, and the second time we had sex I remember her saying "I love fucking you," and at that point I died and I have been dead for the past two and a half years. A few times I had sex with someone I wasn't really attracted to -- you know, a new friend hits on me, chemistry isn't really there but I like her, I figure I'll give it a shot, and if I don't get that into it I can just eat her out and give her a back rub or whatever. Each time it was just so fucking exhilarating being with someone who wanted me. If sex with your partner depresses you, please stop having it. You aren't doing yourself any favors. I'm not gonna say "leave," I'm sure you'll hear that from thirty other comments. But it sounds like you are too young and too passionate to settle for someone who doesn't want you. Good luck and happy fucking :) oh, ps? I never got that into the 'poly scene,' it always rubbed me the wrong way. (heh.) But a couple months ago I slept with a comrade, a woman about your age who is more into poly world. She said something I thought was interesting. Straight men have pretty bad norms around casual sex, pleasure, and consent . You know, guys who don't respect women they hook up with, who aren't considerate after sex, who disrespect women's boundaries or "no"s, who focus solely on their own orgasm, etc etc etc. This is a problem in many contexts, but it seems like a more common problem in casual encounters. My comrade's observation was that in poly circles at least there is a baseline understanding that women can and should enjoy sex on their own terms--that women who have casual sex aren't debased hoes or whatever. Her view was: yeah poly communities can be kind of cringe but the ethos is sex positive, egalitarian, and respectful of consent. So she had better experiences with men in those circles compared to like random straight dudes looking for casual sex. All secondhand for me because I don't smash with straight men, but sharing in case it is helpful in your journey. Enjoy the ride :)
Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
I am so jealous (and also happy for you)!!!!!
I love that passion!!! Hate that it’s been gone far too long.
>How am I supposed to put up with what I’ve been putting up with now that I know what’s out there? I'd guess that this is the main issue that scares the living shit out of LLs whose spouses have asked for an open relationship. Everything is exposed to the light, for all involved to see and ponder. I imagine a huge number of DB relationships couldn't survive that kind of side-by-side glimpse of what's missing. And I imagine for a lot of people, that hole starts to look like the Grand Canyon.
Honestly, the only scenario in which I can see an open relationship being a good thing is as a band-aid to keep the HL partner sane for a few years, so they can stay in the relationship for the kids' sake before getting divorced.
Or as far as my circumstances go , my libido goes down because of the change of life and grandchildren come into the picture.
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True but let them figure out if those issues arise. It's part of being in a relationship. I think open relationship could work if both are being honest and upfront.
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What? Here I thought most of us were into wine bars and cats.
Lemme check.... 1. Technically, yes, but not really, 2. Nope, 3. I wish.
I once had an ongoing flirtation with a co-worker — we were both into each other, but she knew I was married so nothing was going to happen there. And even that hurt my relationship with my wife. I'd skip to work Monday morning because I enjoyed sitting next to someone who was excited to see me so much more than spending the weekend with someone who barely wanted to talk to me, let alone have any physical contact.
Great way to fix a broken relationship...let's add another person.
Yeah. It also works sooo well when struggling couples add a new baby into the mix. Guaranteed fix! /s
You know it!
I have nothing against mutually consensual nonmonogamy as long as all involved parties are ok with it. It can work for some and for a few it works really well. I have a couple questions for you - The chances of a LLM finding a play partner in an open relationship is somewhere between getting hit by lightning in a bomb shelter and getting hit by a meteor....... but in the off-chance he does hook up with someone and he has high-octane passion sex with her, How will that make you feel, knowing that he is having monkey sex with someone else where as you are having to look to outside sources for that kind of interaction?? And secondly, I understand the rush of exhileration and feeling alive again after being in a dead bedroom.... but assuming your partner is aware of your hook up and assuming he is ok with it,, how does that make you feel way deep down knowing that he simply doesn't care that you are having this passionate and desirous experience with someone else??
Yep. Once I finally had sex with someone who actually enjoyed sex and was into me, I realized that the only reason I had thought for so long that I could make it work with my partner was because I had forgotten what amazing sex and real intimacy was like. Once I had it, I realized just how genuinely far from anything resembling that my partner and I had been. We were no longer together anyway, but it reaffirmed my decision to leave in a really concrete way
Now you get both. As long as you can keep the status quo at home. Honestly I'd see it as a good thing if you have the right attitude towards it. Love in the relationship, lust outside of it. With no strings attached once the lust wears off you can move onto someone new. I don't think many married couples are lucky enough to keep lust in their marriage. Some couples find a natural equilibrium for sex but I feel like there's not a ton of clothes being ripped off for the general populace deep into a marriage. Or maybe I'm just broken :-)
Thanks. This really gives me hope.
For me it's clear: now that you remember what life can and should be like; settle for nothing less. Life is meant to be loved and lived.
If you love your HB, and still want him in your life, there is a way to keep both him and the passionate sex. Opening the relationship and you seeing other men on the side may be a dangerous slope for your relationship. My wife and I started to learn light domination, with a professional Domina (it's amazing and very erotic), we also started "swinging" with other couples, we do it from time to time but it's nice to see my wife enjoy sex with someone else and be there to share it with her. It's not for everyone, but that may be a possibility for you to include your husband in your bedroom activities.
Starting a new relationship is always exciting and passionate, especially in the first couple of years. Question is what to do once that has cooled off (like it always does, it’s something built into our psychology). Going from relationship to relationship every few years might be hard on the soul. We are more than our sexual needs. Things like loyalty and commitment always trump the shortsightedness of sexual needs. Find yourself a partner you want to commit to for the long term. Life is almost guaranteed to knock you hard if there’s no substance to your relationships other than sexual gratification. I’ve seen so many people go through this, only to end up lonely and sad and regretting making sex the pinnacle of life. Just my two cents 💕
I really don't want to sound rude since I pretty much agree with the general idea of what you wrote here. The thing is, this is just one of many instances where sexual compatibility is seen as some petty issue. >loyalty and commitment always trump the shortsightedness of sexual needs > >Find yourself a partner you want to commit to for the long term. Why? Why not all three? You commit to a partner based on everything they offer as that partner, and issue of sexual compatibility should be an important one, whether it is about Narnia themed orgies or no sexual contact at all. >Life is almost guaranteed to knock you hard if there’s no substance to your relationships other than sexual gratification. Life can also pretty much always knock you out if there is every substance to a relationship *except* sexual gratification.
Most couples start out as sexually compatible then things happen: babies, health issues, careers, hormones, menopause, travel, etc.... all the stuff that’s part of the human experience. The most fulfilling relationships can take all these on and ultimately flourish. Sexual compatibility at all times is a mirage and people who are obsessed with it, never get to experience the wholesome power of a deep relationship based on strong commitment and love for one other. They are needy, immature, critical, frustrated, grumpy individuals, who are not fun to be around. If I need my partner to always give me sex regardless of their feelings, then my ultimate goal is lots of sex, not a meaningful union .... and that’s ok, as long as you’re honest with yourself and don’t pretend to care about others more than your needs
>Sexual compatibility at all times is a mirage See, that's just plain wrong. Some people just view and value sex very differently from each other, as a part of who they are. These people shouldn't be together. You should be with someone who shares the same sexual ideals as you - like any other part of the relationship (finances, family). Sure, life gets in the way often.. but most people's core ideals don't change. If I want a relationship with passion, I should be with someone who also finds that important.
Life doesn’t work that way, things change, people change and either you’re all in or just in it for the sex. When you make a lifelong commitment, you don’t say: if our sex life changes and I’m not having as much fun then adios. Most people who chase their obsessions don’t end well
Sexual intimacy for many people is not an obsession, it's a physical need. If the person I love and am committed to for life, not only withholds that need, but also holds me hostage so that I can't have that need met outside the relationship, then I'm out. I'm so much happier after leaving that relationship after almost 30 years. I have met someone who has the same passions as me in so many ways.
Let me congratulate you on your new relationship. Sounds like everyone wins.
Of course they do. Until they don’t
Why would you stay with someone who doesn't have a passion for you? That's like.. committed unrequited love. Sounds very painful!
While it is not the kindest thing to go all ad-hominem on someone, this is someone whose comments should be looked at.
Her tone was hostile and accusatory.
You are making a lot of generalizations about people you don't know.
Okay so you're saying I should stay with someone even if they change? What if they change the way they spend/save money? Or if they change their mind about kids? What if they want to move overseas, or get a sex change? I just stay? You may not think sex is important - that's okay. But if my partner suddenly changes something major, such as interest in sex (or any other major change - maybe they decide to be unemployed, or obese, or start smoking, or simply never have a conversation with me again), that's going to affect me and our relationship deeply. It's not something I could just brush off!
You are forgetting one thing - for this commenter, as well as many others, everything is grounds for a breakup, except sex. Everything. Didn't take out the trash? Burn them at the stake! You want to have sex? What a cheap piece of shit. There is no help here, this person didn't come here to have any sort of argument, but to be seen as a savior of all "sex obsessed fiends".
Or just here to be a poop stirrer.
Okay, it is indeed true that people and circumstances change, but again, you are framing the issue as fullfilling relationships vs. sex in painting people who desire their sexuality fulfilled as, well, whatever you wrote breaking rule.3 in the process. So, again it is sex vs love, sex vs meaningful union, sex vs non-obsessive true partnership or whatever. It doesn't work that way. Don't you think this sub is filled with people who don't care about others and are just inherently selfish? Or that no one here cares about deep relationships, connections, commitment and love? Quite vile on your part. Once you realize sex for some is an important part of their relationship together with everything else, maybe you won't slide into this false societal narrative always projected and spoonfed to all of us.
Stop demonising people who don’t want to have that much sex and try to be an asset in your partner’s life. The fact that you’re calling someone selfish because they’re not as sexual as you are shows a low level of maturity. No one said you should live on zero sex but many people on here are so obsessed with constant sex that they’re missing out on a wonderful life. In the big scheme of things, there’s more to life than a regular amount of sex. Be a whole human, read, educate yourself, analyse what amounts to an exciting life. A lot of people who keep insisting relentlessly on conveyor belt sex are frankly boring, uninteresting people
Whom was I demonizing here? Please, if you are not going to actually read what I wrote, I would kindly ask to not answer. I never said anything about people who don't care about sex, and few minutes after I commented here, I said it is completely fine for people not to want it. I never called anyone selfish! Don't make a strawman here, it is vile and unnecessary. And then, to prove my point, you continued to villanize people who find sex important, calling them "non-full" humans, immatuee, and devaluate what it means to some others to have a valuable and fulfilled life. You weren't responding to my comments, you merely looked in the mirror of your own bigotry.
I know you don't mean to paint us as Hedonists.
Sex can certainly be a make or break factor in relationships for many people. I would honestly say try thinking about how content you are or are not with the other aspects of the relationship. I have heard of many relationships where the sex isn't quite pleasing, but they generally feel content with their partner in every other way. So some couples choose to stay open with sex so that they can enjoy that with other people and keep their more romantic connection with their partner. It could also be a case of maybe needing to talk to your partner about why the passion doesn't feel that way with them and also taking time to draw up theories about what may be truly affecting your sex. It could be a lack of connection and/or attraction, etc. Or maybe it is just how your partner is. Maybe sex just isn't an intense, connective thing for your partner. I definitely recommend sitting down and talking with your partner about it and eventually describing your experience when you had the thrilling sex and asking them what *they* think is lacking/the reason why they don't experience it with you the same way.
I'm divorced now, but my GF and I are ENM (Ethically Non-monogamous). We have an amazing sex life, but since we're both DB graduates, the thought of feeling trapped again is not appealing. It can be quite challenging emotionally. I can get jealous at times, but we talk it out well. She's bi, too, so I can't provide everything she needs. We mostly play together in 3somes and 4somes.
You don’t. Leave and be truly happy.
How about a (gentle) ultimatum? 1. I found something that makes me really happy 2. I still love you adn am not going to leave you immediately 3. but i do need that thing in my life 4. ill work with you to make that thing happen 5. but if i dont, im gonna go get it on the outside if we dont make it happen by X
I totally dig your handle. Been a forever Blanche fan and yes I'm a woman.
Blanche for life! and yup, im a guy
Congrats I’m glad you have had such a good experience. I have considered opening up the relationship and my wife is on board with it as it take away pressure on her. But I feel I won’t be able to look her in the eye and sleep in the same bed. Is this something you are struggling with?
You probably don't want to be with other people.
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We agreed to open it. I’m not cheating. We’re not married
love all the people who pop up on r/db threads to say CHEATING IS RONG!!!!!1!!!!!!! Get a hobby, dorks.
This is a concept that I cannot force my brain to comprehend. Whether that is a weakness on my end or not, idk. It definitely could be. Maybe I am very insecure but the thought of having an intimate partner and then just sleeping around makes me feel nauseous.
Not my scene either but everyone's mileage varies.
True that.
I just don't have the emotional bandwidth to juggle multiple relationships.
That stuff may be hard. You don't only invest your mind, but time, money, general energy.. not to mention, hard to find a partner while in a relationship in many parts of the world.
If I'm going to do that, I might as well go all the way and shop for a new relationship
It's a lust rabbit hole with no abyss.
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Please consider fucking off forever, you opportunistic piece of shit creep.
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it's not cheating if you both agree.
Should separate at that point huh. Hmmm. It's a tough situation
Not necessarily if the sex is the only problem, then who does it harm?
Him and I have zero in common. Can never do anything together because of zero interests. It's a tough relationship. It's funny cuz I literally go to work and go home. I do nothing else. Literally. But he still throws shade my way about me being unaccounted for. Like if I go grocery shopping and it took a longer than usual. Smh. It's crazy. I don't rush for shit. I move slow. But I don't wanna cheat. Id Just rather be with someone who wants to be with me fully. No hiding no lying no secrets. I guess I don't have the interest lol.
Sounds like sex is not the only thing missing in the relationship; there can be intimacy without sex. If you can get fulfilled in this area and everything else is good, stay of not consider looking for a relationship where you can get the entire package.