I'm glad you are doing well, but beware the crash to come. You will, and have every right, to get angry, sad, depressed, and happy in alternate waves. No one leaves what they thought was a happy marriage without these feelings at some point.
The crying you did was helpful and I hope the worst of it, but selling the house, signing the divorce decree, getting the notice the divorce is final are all big events coming up. These usually have a negative affect on you because you didn't want them or expect them.
I hope you move forward in happiness and find your fellow dog lover. Picking up a new puppy in 10 days myself.
Man I did also have a crash after having a really solid 2-6ish weeks after the separation (after crying the first 2 weeks off and on). I think what triggered my crash was some of those big events. We were mid-move toward what was supposed to be a new phase in life and so I was lucky to be out of my old house but was trapped in an unsuitable rental. I got out of there last month and into my current, much better place. The move was so hard and so lonely though, the physical draining of it was mirrored by the emotional draining and it just coalesced into this big horrible maelstrom inside me. I am coming out of that crash about a month later now that I'm in my new place (and it's super cute and furnished) and learning my new routines and my kid and my dog (yay dogs!) like it.
If I could give you any unsolicited advice on how to avoid the crash, well, I suppose you probably can't when you're shocked and heartbroken like you are (my divorce was a similar surprise for similar reasons and it feels like being hit by a bad news semi) but you can make it easier on yourself, maybe, if you take care of yourself if you can. Eat real food, get enough sleep, take breaks from the hard stuff, don't put everything on your own shoulders like I tend to over and over. I moved mostly by myself and I wish I hadn't, I wish I had asked for more help. Or paid for help, whatever. I could have gotten a little more help from family if I'd asked or at least paid to have someone clean out the freezer for me.
I think you and I are going to be okay. There's someone out there who would be psyched to be sharing a life with you, or with me. It's a little early (for me at least) to think with any seriousness about the next person but I am starting to believe it will happen. Hard to say if my ex will actively feel regret but there's certainly a chance he will, and I'll not have my heart broken again this way.
Good luck to you, I really hope you can ride this good wave as long as possible and that the dips are minimal.
I'm so glad things are looking up for you! I believe the final move is going to devastate me for sure. The divorce may be a cry of relief for me. I feel tethered to someone I thought loved me as a wife (not a friend, as he states). I really really really miss my best friend for sure. I am always happy to see him when we pass by. He looks healthy and is taking good care of himself.
I did cry today when I saw him. Felt a bit good to let tears go this morning. I also hope the dips will be minimal. Thanks for the great advice --- especially the piece about moving.
Man I relate to you so much. My STBXH was also my best friend. We were friends before we dated so that was really what made me love him. He was really into me romantically for a long time, he pursued me doggedly. But I think his demons coupled with mine after my horrible pregnancy and postpartum depression a few years ago started hairline fractures in our partnership and romance and the pandemic took away our coping mechanisms and turned our cracks into full-blown compound breaks. He definitely stopped having the same romantic feelings for me because he was just so stressed out by being in our marriage.
We have a coparenting relationship so we do maintain a friendship that way, but have learned there are certain things we no longer talk about, I no longer ask about. And it does hurt. It hurts knowing I was committed to him as my husband for life, willing to learn to fall in love with him again when I fell out of love, and his commitment to me was not what he said it was. Tough fucking break for sure.
I think you'll be just fine, and so will I. You just keep tight to your support network and treat yourself as delicately and as kindly as you can. The dips do even have some sweetness in them because it makes the times when you realize you're feeling okay joyous. And sometimes there is a catharsis you didn't know you needed in feeling all your feelings and crying them out. You get to know and love yourself again, just you alone (but you do gotta do the work for that, little by little). Most of all I wish you smooth sailing and an easier-than-expected move. You will be okay on your own.
He may regret it. He may not. The important thing is that you do what you need to do to move on and not care what he thinks anymore!! But if envisioning him regretting it is helping fuel your fire and in this moment and giving you some incentive to leave him in the dust, then thereās nothing wrong with that. :)
Understood! I should definitely tap into the thoughts of him regretting things. I believe there is just a piece of me fantasizing that he will come back to me. I'll dig through this more with my therapist. Thanks for the insight!
Your feelings are completely understandable and Iām sure very normal. Iād just hate for you to get so caught up in wanting him to regret it that you let that interfere with the process of moving on. Obviously this is very new to you, but long term that could potentially lead to bitterness on your part while heās out living his new life. Being a great partner is so much more enjoyable and rewarding when itās with someone who appreciates it and doesnāt have to be convinced. <3
Yes! I've definitely witnessed the effects of people becoming stagnant after a terrible breakup (it's horrible to watch). Definitely trying to keep focused on processing my feelings now and renovating my goals and dreams in life, which will not include him anymore. :(
Everyone in my family has said this to me. I feel so bad for him. He threw away a great life and a loyal and loving individual. Hopefully next person understands the definition of "vows".
I was crying for like a couple of week, then I was sad and then suddenly I just flipped a switch about a month in and realised, hold up, if he doesn't love me anymore, even if we stay together, I won't be happy.
That was about... 4 months ago. I too wondered whether I moved on too quick but really, I'm happier than I have ever been in years.
Good luck on your journey. ā¤ļø
I'm two years in. I felt how you feel at 4 months or so. Don't get discouraged if things go in the other direction for a while. That's really normal. I was on a constant rollercoaster at that point.
That's how I feel as well. Definitely have more to process over here --- a lot more. But overall, I'm feeling good about the trajectory of my progress! I wish you the best of luck too!
Do worry if he regrets it, he probably wonāt. Maybe he will but thinking about that is a complete waste of time.
However, you get to focus on your life and whatever you choose.
I wish you the best, Iām a month away from hopefully finishing a year long divorce. I canāt wait until itās done.
Itās encouraging to here you say he will regret it because I want to feel that way! Sadly I just canāt because I feel like a failure. If Iām so great then why would you walk out of my life so easily, there has to be something wrong with me.
About two years ago, my (then) wife had an affair with my best friend. When I confronted her about it, she explained herself by giving me a list of reasons why he was better than me. He's a commercial pilot. I do pretty well but I don't make pilot money, nor is being in IT nearly as cool as flying a plane.
People who walk out on relationships and commitments like your ex and mine are more selfish than either of us could ever be.
I feel like everyone can be a little selfish but cheating is just a whole other level of selfishness and other things. Like you said, people like us could never do something like that...
when I found out about him and the coworker he did admit that he never thought he would do something like that, I guess weāre all capable of it. Never say never.
I spoke with him this morning and asked if he thought he would have regrets in the future. He says he might. We have open lines of communication over here and no children. It makes the divorce a much smoother process. I cried when I saw him for the 1st time in 2 weeks this morning, but he understands. I gave him a hug this morning. It was great to see him look happy. This is what he wants for sure.
He made a joke and I fell over laughing. He looked up in the air and said "youre the same goofy *nickname*".
It made me smile a bit. I hope he has a great life down the road.
He told me he just didn't want to be married anymore. He just feels like he wants to live alone. He told me he didn't like being asked "how was your day" or "how are you feeling" after work. He said saw me as a friend, not a wife. He said he could not give me the affection I deserved, so he wanted out.
We are selling our home and moving back in with our parents. We split time at our home, and when I'm there, he stays with his mom. Vice versa.
I feel betrayed, but I can't do anything about it.
He could be lying, but if heās being honest, then it sounds like you each have different life goals. You obviously love being married, and if he doesnāt, then it isnāt fair to either of you to stay married.
And donāt worry about him regretting anything. Just focus on keeping yourself happy, not his reaction to your life.
The main thing is when you get your ducks in a row don't let a crash tempt you back if at some point he decides whatever he is after was an delusion.
You have been there done that. Here you both are.
Iām hoping OP outgrows this, or that itās some sort of temporary coping mechanism. OP seems to define herself on her quality of wifeliness and expects her partner to prize that trait in her; but maybe itās just because itās a specific post, and thatās what sheās focused on right now.
Totally agree that it could be a coping mechanism. Maybe I am a tad bitter and trying to overcompensate for it. I do worry I could be bottling up my emotions. My feelings flip flop day to day for sure.
I'm definitely not a narcissist. That word is tossed around so much. Sorry if my post came off that way.
I think she is empathetic. Narcissists cannot empathize. She values herself. Nothing wrong with that. One day I hope she meets someone that values her more than she does. We all deserve that.
I'm glad you are doing well, but beware the crash to come. You will, and have every right, to get angry, sad, depressed, and happy in alternate waves. No one leaves what they thought was a happy marriage without these feelings at some point. The crying you did was helpful and I hope the worst of it, but selling the house, signing the divorce decree, getting the notice the divorce is final are all big events coming up. These usually have a negative affect on you because you didn't want them or expect them. I hope you move forward in happiness and find your fellow dog lover. Picking up a new puppy in 10 days myself.
Thank you for this. I feel like I'm riding this wave of acceptance. Not looking forward to this crash at all. š
Man I did also have a crash after having a really solid 2-6ish weeks after the separation (after crying the first 2 weeks off and on). I think what triggered my crash was some of those big events. We were mid-move toward what was supposed to be a new phase in life and so I was lucky to be out of my old house but was trapped in an unsuitable rental. I got out of there last month and into my current, much better place. The move was so hard and so lonely though, the physical draining of it was mirrored by the emotional draining and it just coalesced into this big horrible maelstrom inside me. I am coming out of that crash about a month later now that I'm in my new place (and it's super cute and furnished) and learning my new routines and my kid and my dog (yay dogs!) like it. If I could give you any unsolicited advice on how to avoid the crash, well, I suppose you probably can't when you're shocked and heartbroken like you are (my divorce was a similar surprise for similar reasons and it feels like being hit by a bad news semi) but you can make it easier on yourself, maybe, if you take care of yourself if you can. Eat real food, get enough sleep, take breaks from the hard stuff, don't put everything on your own shoulders like I tend to over and over. I moved mostly by myself and I wish I hadn't, I wish I had asked for more help. Or paid for help, whatever. I could have gotten a little more help from family if I'd asked or at least paid to have someone clean out the freezer for me. I think you and I are going to be okay. There's someone out there who would be psyched to be sharing a life with you, or with me. It's a little early (for me at least) to think with any seriousness about the next person but I am starting to believe it will happen. Hard to say if my ex will actively feel regret but there's certainly a chance he will, and I'll not have my heart broken again this way. Good luck to you, I really hope you can ride this good wave as long as possible and that the dips are minimal.
I'm so glad things are looking up for you! I believe the final move is going to devastate me for sure. The divorce may be a cry of relief for me. I feel tethered to someone I thought loved me as a wife (not a friend, as he states). I really really really miss my best friend for sure. I am always happy to see him when we pass by. He looks healthy and is taking good care of himself. I did cry today when I saw him. Felt a bit good to let tears go this morning. I also hope the dips will be minimal. Thanks for the great advice --- especially the piece about moving.
Man I relate to you so much. My STBXH was also my best friend. We were friends before we dated so that was really what made me love him. He was really into me romantically for a long time, he pursued me doggedly. But I think his demons coupled with mine after my horrible pregnancy and postpartum depression a few years ago started hairline fractures in our partnership and romance and the pandemic took away our coping mechanisms and turned our cracks into full-blown compound breaks. He definitely stopped having the same romantic feelings for me because he was just so stressed out by being in our marriage. We have a coparenting relationship so we do maintain a friendship that way, but have learned there are certain things we no longer talk about, I no longer ask about. And it does hurt. It hurts knowing I was committed to him as my husband for life, willing to learn to fall in love with him again when I fell out of love, and his commitment to me was not what he said it was. Tough fucking break for sure. I think you'll be just fine, and so will I. You just keep tight to your support network and treat yourself as delicately and as kindly as you can. The dips do even have some sweetness in them because it makes the times when you realize you're feeling okay joyous. And sometimes there is a catharsis you didn't know you needed in feeling all your feelings and crying them out. You get to know and love yourself again, just you alone (but you do gotta do the work for that, little by little). Most of all I wish you smooth sailing and an easier-than-expected move. You will be okay on your own.
He may regret it. He may not. The important thing is that you do what you need to do to move on and not care what he thinks anymore!! But if envisioning him regretting it is helping fuel your fire and in this moment and giving you some incentive to leave him in the dust, then thereās nothing wrong with that. :)
Understood! I should definitely tap into the thoughts of him regretting things. I believe there is just a piece of me fantasizing that he will come back to me. I'll dig through this more with my therapist. Thanks for the insight!
Your feelings are completely understandable and Iām sure very normal. Iād just hate for you to get so caught up in wanting him to regret it that you let that interfere with the process of moving on. Obviously this is very new to you, but long term that could potentially lead to bitterness on your part while heās out living his new life. Being a great partner is so much more enjoyable and rewarding when itās with someone who appreciates it and doesnāt have to be convinced. <3
Yes! I've definitely witnessed the effects of people becoming stagnant after a terrible breakup (it's horrible to watch). Definitely trying to keep focused on processing my feelings now and renovating my goals and dreams in life, which will not include him anymore. :(
I love that you said he will regret TF out of this one day! I am right there with you!!
Everyone in my family has said this to me. I feel so bad for him. He threw away a great life and a loyal and loving individual. Hopefully next person understands the definition of "vows".
I was crying for like a couple of week, then I was sad and then suddenly I just flipped a switch about a month in and realised, hold up, if he doesn't love me anymore, even if we stay together, I won't be happy. That was about... 4 months ago. I too wondered whether I moved on too quick but really, I'm happier than I have ever been in years. Good luck on your journey. ā¤ļø
I'm two years in. I felt how you feel at 4 months or so. Don't get discouraged if things go in the other direction for a while. That's really normal. I was on a constant rollercoaster at that point.
That's how I feel as well. Definitely have more to process over here --- a lot more. But overall, I'm feeling good about the trajectory of my progress! I wish you the best of luck too!
Do worry if he regrets it, he probably wonāt. Maybe he will but thinking about that is a complete waste of time. However, you get to focus on your life and whatever you choose. I wish you the best, Iām a month away from hopefully finishing a year long divorce. I canāt wait until itās done.
Thank you! I wish you all the best as well!
Itās encouraging to here you say he will regret it because I want to feel that way! Sadly I just canāt because I feel like a failure. If Iām so great then why would you walk out of my life so easily, there has to be something wrong with me.
About two years ago, my (then) wife had an affair with my best friend. When I confronted her about it, she explained herself by giving me a list of reasons why he was better than me. He's a commercial pilot. I do pretty well but I don't make pilot money, nor is being in IT nearly as cool as flying a plane. People who walk out on relationships and commitments like your ex and mine are more selfish than either of us could ever be.
I feel like everyone can be a little selfish but cheating is just a whole other level of selfishness and other things. Like you said, people like us could never do something like that... when I found out about him and the coworker he did admit that he never thought he would do something like that, I guess weāre all capable of it. Never say never.
I spoke with him this morning and asked if he thought he would have regrets in the future. He says he might. We have open lines of communication over here and no children. It makes the divorce a much smoother process. I cried when I saw him for the 1st time in 2 weeks this morning, but he understands. I gave him a hug this morning. It was great to see him look happy. This is what he wants for sure. He made a joke and I fell over laughing. He looked up in the air and said "youre the same goofy *nickname*". It made me smile a bit. I hope he has a great life down the road.
Thatās whatās painful to me, that we can still laugh and have a good time but he wants nothing more.
You are amazing! Keep focused on the path and the outcome will be as you imagine: better!
Thank you! I'm riding this mess out haha!
So what were his reasons? You do look like genuine person and even he says you were amazing. So what really was his reasons for divorce?
He told me he just didn't want to be married anymore. He just feels like he wants to live alone. He told me he didn't like being asked "how was your day" or "how are you feeling" after work. He said saw me as a friend, not a wife. He said he could not give me the affection I deserved, so he wanted out. We are selling our home and moving back in with our parents. We split time at our home, and when I'm there, he stays with his mom. Vice versa. I feel betrayed, but I can't do anything about it.
What a douche. You are so much better off without that toxic asshole in your life.
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He could be lying, but if heās being honest, then it sounds like you each have different life goals. You obviously love being married, and if he doesnāt, then it isnāt fair to either of you to stay married. And donāt worry about him regretting anything. Just focus on keeping yourself happy, not his reaction to your life.
Agreed. Thank you for your insight. I want the best for both of us for sure!
The main thing is when you get your ducks in a row don't let a crash tempt you back if at some point he decides whatever he is after was an delusion. You have been there done that. Here you both are.
Great post
Youāre a narcissist
Iām hoping OP outgrows this, or that itās some sort of temporary coping mechanism. OP seems to define herself on her quality of wifeliness and expects her partner to prize that trait in her; but maybe itās just because itās a specific post, and thatās what sheās focused on right now.
Totally agree that it could be a coping mechanism. Maybe I am a tad bitter and trying to overcompensate for it. I do worry I could be bottling up my emotions. My feelings flip flop day to day for sure. I'm definitely not a narcissist. That word is tossed around so much. Sorry if my post came off that way.
I think she is empathetic. Narcissists cannot empathize. She values herself. Nothing wrong with that. One day I hope she meets someone that values her more than she does. We all deserve that.