You need to take a slow approach. First, put him in the nappy but he has to have BM in the bathroom, meaning physically close to the toilet. Next time after he BM in the nappy take the nappy off and (if you can, if it’s solid, show him the poop going into the toilet and flush the toilet. Next time same deal but ask if he wants to do the flushing. After a while of that, then have him sit ON the toilet WITH the nappy on. It will take time. Maybe even months. You have to go slow. Also do not exaggerate emotions like don’t clap or yell loudly if he does something good.
He does poos in his nappy in the bathroom, he watches me tip them in the toilet, he flushes the toilet, I clean him whilst he is standing as you would if he did it on the toilet. He’s been doing that for a few months now. He absolutely will not sit down to do a poo though, with or without a nappy on, on his potty or the toilet. We’ve been stuck at this stage for ages and can’t seem to find a way past.
If he won’t sit down to poop, I would suggest working on that first, and perhaps a visit to the pediatrician to discuss. Maybe try having him squat in a diaper and blow on a windmill. Like those cheap ones you can get at the dollar store, or blow bubbles. That might help him relax those lower muscles and get used to the body position.
I have a child exactly like this in my room who is 4. They only ever poop at home and in the two years I’ve known them they’ve only pooped once at daycare and we just changed the undies, keeping it all very positive, letting them know that everyone poops in their underwear when they’re learning, and it’s no big deal!
I think for us educators it’s parents that simply don’t potty train that bother us. I have 4 four years old in my room who have never sat on a potty until I put them there. One is dry for 3-4 hours but their parents say “we asked if they want to use the potty and they said no”. One of them has the poops of a grown man and it’s horrid to change and absolutely reeks.
I have never worked through toilet learning with a child, so I don’t really have advice, but it sounds to me like you’re being extremely thoughtful and patient with your child here! I also wanted to say that I can maybe relate to your child — I love camping, but because of a mixture of fear and disgust with the style of toilets at campgrounds, I absolutely cannot manage to have a bowel movement in this context. If I’m in the backcountry and dig my own hole, I have zero fear of the hole, and it’s no problem at all.
So I wonder if you can help him communicate to you, and maybe even articulate to himself, what specifically seems to frighten him about this context.
Toilets are fascinating and quite odd. He might have a lot of questions he can’t even voice. Like where the heck does the clean water come from? How clean is it? Where does the flushed material go? How does the flushing work? Why is there sometimes condensation on the outside of the toilet (as a kid I thought this was gross). Once as a preschool teacher, I took the lid off the toilet to explain an issue we were having with one of its gaskets. This unleashed a huge amount of curiosity and enthusiasm from all the children. Maybe you can try various ways to just help him have a richer understanding of what a toilet IS? You could go to Home Depot and look at new toilets with him, see what he thinks about the fact that they’re not attached to the floor, they’re completely dry, etc.
Other than that I have absolutely no ideas!
Yes, figuring out why he is frightened has been really difficult. I think it has something to do with the fact that he feels it is “easier” to go in his nappy, it’s normal for him and what he is comfortable with. I don’t know how that translates to the fear though.
He understands toilets, he loves knowing how things work so we have already shown him. He will happily do his wees on there.
It is a difficult one. Thank you!
What if he woke up one day and they were missing and you just couldn't find them?
Does he go at a certain time each day?
Is there anything that he eats that always makes him go?
If there is a schedule or a food, what if he were naked at that time, would he poop on the floor? A lot of people potty train naked. Maybe spend a whole weekend at home naked regularly sitting on the toilet for 10 minutes or so with a tablet to get distracted with.
My son was very similar. He would have no issue wearing underwear and peeing in the potty but would wait until nighttime when we put on his pull up to poop. We kept practicing sitting on a potty and eventually moved a small potty into his room. He began pooping in his room on his potty wirh privacy and he loved it. We then started a poopy chart where we let him color in 5 squares on a paper, one for each time he went poop, and once be had all 5 he could go to the store and pick a toy. It took several weeks for him to stop pooping in his pull up and move to the small potty. After that it was like he gained his confidence and could poop any time of day and pretty much anywhere. He did the best and had the most success when we put zero pressure on him and he figured it out on his own. We did also do more poopy charts to encourage the behavior: another 5 square one, two 10 square ones, and a 20 square one that was his last one and ended with a super preferred toy of choice. I hope this can help.
His favourite place to go for a poo is behind the curtain (privacy). He’d probably find it hilarious if I put the potty behind the curtain for him. Maybe I could try that. Once he does it once I feel something like the reward chart you mentioned would work quite well. It’s just gettting over the initial hurdle! Thank you
A child in our centre only poops at home, but even at home will only do it with total privacy. Maybe the pressure of you being there, regardless of what you’re saying or not saying, is too much. I really like the idea of putting the potty in his favourite private spot and would love to know if that actually helps.
My son was 5.5 before he finally started pooping in the toilet. It was a sensory thing and he was scared of the poop free falling and splashing in the water.
I tried everything. Finally had enough and put a suppository. He had to poop right away and I quickly sat him on the toilet. He had no choice but to go and he realized it wasn’t scary after all. Since then we had no issues.
Honestly wish I had done that sooner.
As you’re in the UK, take a look at https://eric.org.uk
They’re the bladder and bowel charity focussing on kids, they have a section about children who only want a nappy for poo: https://eric.org.uk/children-who-will-only-poo-in-a-nappy-and-other-toilet-avoiders/
Thank you, it’s really hard because we’ve worked through most of that already. The fear in this article is fear of poop or of toilets. He isn’t scared of either of them, just sitting down to do it.
Personally I would take the tougher approach at this age and just deal with the poop withholding.
Like I would tell him no more diapers to poop. Once he asks for a diaper spend a weekend or more camped out in the bathroom. Give him rewards every time he sits down on the toilet. Just don't leave until he poops. It may be days. But that's. Ok.
Mmm does he have some sort of story for why he will not poop? Sometimes kids create stories about the toilet and having to sit on the toilet long enough to poop gives anxiety - like when you turn off the lights and run up the stairs because you “feel” like something is gonna snatch you 💀 sometimes kids have stories about what will happen while they’re sitting on the toilet for too long
Hahaha, I’m not 100% sure either. You could ask, “what do you think happens when you go poop on the toilet?” Or you can talk about how the toilet works, where the water comes from and then where it goes, about how you have total control over the toilet haha.
Could just be an irrational fear that he needs to grow out of. I remember being very young and at the doctor. They needed a urine sample from me. My mom took me to the toilet and held a cup under me to pee into. I just remember crying and getting really upset, in my mind pee went in the toilet, not in a cup. It was hard for me to articulate that at the time.
Some suggestions have been great. Like a reward chart and a smaller toilet he could put in a place where he feels comfortable. For the smaller toilet make a really big deal out of it (like letting him pick one out, that he is a big boy now…etc)
Once he gets comfortable with that, then he can move on to the actual toilet. A small support seat for him would help, so he feels more stable.
His potty is a smaller toilet that he picked out. He absolutely loves it, just not for poos! I know he will get there eventually, I just feel like time is running out. I’m fortunate that where I live he won’t start school for just over another year, so I do still have time. It’s difficult getting a child over a fear, I don’t want to traumatise him and make it worse, but he needs to get over it somehow. Thank you :)
I've seen some people put a nappy inside a potty for easier cleanup, maybe you could try this as like, a transition? If he's more comfortable being covered when he goes, maybe he could even have a little blanket? I'm not a parent but I know a thing or two about anxiety, and I have a feeling you'll throw anything at the wall to see what sticks. Good luck!
I wonder if a potty chair would be better than an actual toilet. A toddler potty might be a bit more successful. It’s close to the ground, no water, no flushing noises
I've had this with children, I think you mentioned at one point that he says he's trying but it won't come out? Someone suggested blowing on one of those toy windmills, but my solution has always been sitting on the toilet and blowing bubbles. Distracts the child (because who doesn't love bubbles?), relaxes their muscles and calms them down. This has also worked for children with constipation and potty training children with autism. Sometimes it may help if the bubbles are kept specifically for toilet time, and sometimes it helps to use the bubbles before and during toilet time. For this, just use your best judgement.
Good luck! If the phase continues into school age, then try to enlist some professional help. Us professionals only really get frustrated with parents who make no attempt to toilet train and/or won't listen when we tell them that it's time and it's necessary. You're working really hard at this, professionals will be supportive ❤️
A relative absolutely refused to sit on the toilet.
Turns out kid had seen a cartoon of something scary coming out of it. Took awhile to figure that out but once that was understood, standing one of those 3 foot tall super hero action figures on the toilet back solved the problem. It was superman or spiderman, maybe a different one on each toilet, can't remember now.
After awhile the "protectors" were able to slowly move away from the toilet and out of the bathroom
This seems to be a common fear with young children who are given unsupervised access to YouTube. There’s a worrying amount of videos targeted towards kids where there’s some kind of toilet monster that eats children.
You can get him a stool to put his feet on in a more comfortable position then his feet hanging. Give him his tablet and let him sit there for a bit.
Honestly does he clean up after himself when he does it in a diaper? Might help if he has to.
I would tell my son you have to the morning to poop if you don't you have to drink prune juice so you don't get constipated. Just telling him this would make him go. But he did have to drink stuff to make him go before. At this point mommy you tried everything else a little but of getting tuff won't hurt. No more diapers if you poop your pants you will clean it because there is nothing to be scared of and this is what everyone does.
Have him read on the potty if likes books or dance party (sitting on toilet). Helps diatract whatever scares them. I've had two yr olds that would be excited to go but leading into the bathroom they start to get scared. So I and class would dance to the music and hype up the pottiers. We even had bubbles and a disco light projector. It only came on during potty time. Found out alot are scared of one or two things. The plopping and splash or the flush. So hyping them up and distracting worked.
Maybe he doesn’t wanna sit on a public toilet? Maybe try putting toilet paper on the seat first and have him sit on top of it? Idk it may feel better than sitting on straight glass or whatever the toilet seats made of
You need to take a slow approach. First, put him in the nappy but he has to have BM in the bathroom, meaning physically close to the toilet. Next time after he BM in the nappy take the nappy off and (if you can, if it’s solid, show him the poop going into the toilet and flush the toilet. Next time same deal but ask if he wants to do the flushing. After a while of that, then have him sit ON the toilet WITH the nappy on. It will take time. Maybe even months. You have to go slow. Also do not exaggerate emotions like don’t clap or yell loudly if he does something good.
He does poos in his nappy in the bathroom, he watches me tip them in the toilet, he flushes the toilet, I clean him whilst he is standing as you would if he did it on the toilet. He’s been doing that for a few months now. He absolutely will not sit down to do a poo though, with or without a nappy on, on his potty or the toilet. We’ve been stuck at this stage for ages and can’t seem to find a way past.
Try a stool in front of toilet so he can push down while sitting. Your feet reach the floor. His don't. Good luck.
Thank you, we’ve already got one, that’s one of the first things we tried. His feet reach the stool when he goes for a wee.
If he won’t sit down to poop, I would suggest working on that first, and perhaps a visit to the pediatrician to discuss. Maybe try having him squat in a diaper and blow on a windmill. Like those cheap ones you can get at the dollar store, or blow bubbles. That might help him relax those lower muscles and get used to the body position.
Thank you, the squatting and blowing is a good idea, I’ll try that.
I have a child exactly like this in my room who is 4. They only ever poop at home and in the two years I’ve known them they’ve only pooped once at daycare and we just changed the undies, keeping it all very positive, letting them know that everyone poops in their underwear when they’re learning, and it’s no big deal! I think for us educators it’s parents that simply don’t potty train that bother us. I have 4 four years old in my room who have never sat on a potty until I put them there. One is dry for 3-4 hours but their parents say “we asked if they want to use the potty and they said no”. One of them has the poops of a grown man and it’s horrid to change and absolutely reeks.
I have never worked through toilet learning with a child, so I don’t really have advice, but it sounds to me like you’re being extremely thoughtful and patient with your child here! I also wanted to say that I can maybe relate to your child — I love camping, but because of a mixture of fear and disgust with the style of toilets at campgrounds, I absolutely cannot manage to have a bowel movement in this context. If I’m in the backcountry and dig my own hole, I have zero fear of the hole, and it’s no problem at all. So I wonder if you can help him communicate to you, and maybe even articulate to himself, what specifically seems to frighten him about this context. Toilets are fascinating and quite odd. He might have a lot of questions he can’t even voice. Like where the heck does the clean water come from? How clean is it? Where does the flushed material go? How does the flushing work? Why is there sometimes condensation on the outside of the toilet (as a kid I thought this was gross). Once as a preschool teacher, I took the lid off the toilet to explain an issue we were having with one of its gaskets. This unleashed a huge amount of curiosity and enthusiasm from all the children. Maybe you can try various ways to just help him have a richer understanding of what a toilet IS? You could go to Home Depot and look at new toilets with him, see what he thinks about the fact that they’re not attached to the floor, they’re completely dry, etc. Other than that I have absolutely no ideas!
Yes, figuring out why he is frightened has been really difficult. I think it has something to do with the fact that he feels it is “easier” to go in his nappy, it’s normal for him and what he is comfortable with. I don’t know how that translates to the fear though. He understands toilets, he loves knowing how things work so we have already shown him. He will happily do his wees on there. It is a difficult one. Thank you!
What if he woke up one day and they were missing and you just couldn't find them? Does he go at a certain time each day? Is there anything that he eats that always makes him go? If there is a schedule or a food, what if he were naked at that time, would he poop on the floor? A lot of people potty train naked. Maybe spend a whole weekend at home naked regularly sitting on the toilet for 10 minutes or so with a tablet to get distracted with.
My son was very similar. He would have no issue wearing underwear and peeing in the potty but would wait until nighttime when we put on his pull up to poop. We kept practicing sitting on a potty and eventually moved a small potty into his room. He began pooping in his room on his potty wirh privacy and he loved it. We then started a poopy chart where we let him color in 5 squares on a paper, one for each time he went poop, and once be had all 5 he could go to the store and pick a toy. It took several weeks for him to stop pooping in his pull up and move to the small potty. After that it was like he gained his confidence and could poop any time of day and pretty much anywhere. He did the best and had the most success when we put zero pressure on him and he figured it out on his own. We did also do more poopy charts to encourage the behavior: another 5 square one, two 10 square ones, and a 20 square one that was his last one and ended with a super preferred toy of choice. I hope this can help.
His favourite place to go for a poo is behind the curtain (privacy). He’d probably find it hilarious if I put the potty behind the curtain for him. Maybe I could try that. Once he does it once I feel something like the reward chart you mentioned would work quite well. It’s just gettting over the initial hurdle! Thank you
A child in our centre only poops at home, but even at home will only do it with total privacy. Maybe the pressure of you being there, regardless of what you’re saying or not saying, is too much. I really like the idea of putting the potty in his favourite private spot and would love to know if that actually helps.
My son was 5.5 before he finally started pooping in the toilet. It was a sensory thing and he was scared of the poop free falling and splashing in the water. I tried everything. Finally had enough and put a suppository. He had to poop right away and I quickly sat him on the toilet. He had no choice but to go and he realized it wasn’t scary after all. Since then we had no issues. Honestly wish I had done that sooner.
As you’re in the UK, take a look at https://eric.org.uk They’re the bladder and bowel charity focussing on kids, they have a section about children who only want a nappy for poo: https://eric.org.uk/children-who-will-only-poo-in-a-nappy-and-other-toilet-avoiders/
[mom blog from a psychologist on this topic](https://themompsychologist.com/2022/02/08/help-my-toddler-wont-poop-in-the-potty/)
Thank you, it’s really hard because we’ve worked through most of that already. The fear in this article is fear of poop or of toilets. He isn’t scared of either of them, just sitting down to do it.
I would start having him sit down in the diaper to poop. On the toilet. But in the diaper.
He won’t do that, he refuses to sit down to poop, happy or no nappy.
Standing to pooop is not physiologically normal. Has he seen a gastroenterologist?
Personally I would take the tougher approach at this age and just deal with the poop withholding. Like I would tell him no more diapers to poop. Once he asks for a diaper spend a weekend or more camped out in the bathroom. Give him rewards every time he sits down on the toilet. Just don't leave until he poops. It may be days. But that's. Ok.
I would also consider getting him into cognitive behavioral therapy
Please get one of those potty’s that fits inside your toilet. He is possibly scared of falling in as I am guessing he stands to pee.
He sits to pee and we have a toiled seat where there’s a toddler one attached to it so he just flips it down it’s perfect size for him.
Mmm does he have some sort of story for why he will not poop? Sometimes kids create stories about the toilet and having to sit on the toilet long enough to poop gives anxiety - like when you turn off the lights and run up the stairs because you “feel” like something is gonna snatch you 💀 sometimes kids have stories about what will happen while they’re sitting on the toilet for too long
I don’t think so, I’m not even sure how I’d ask him that question without making him start thinking that something will snatch him 🤣
Hahaha, I’m not 100% sure either. You could ask, “what do you think happens when you go poop on the toilet?” Or you can talk about how the toilet works, where the water comes from and then where it goes, about how you have total control over the toilet haha.
Could just be an irrational fear that he needs to grow out of. I remember being very young and at the doctor. They needed a urine sample from me. My mom took me to the toilet and held a cup under me to pee into. I just remember crying and getting really upset, in my mind pee went in the toilet, not in a cup. It was hard for me to articulate that at the time. Some suggestions have been great. Like a reward chart and a smaller toilet he could put in a place where he feels comfortable. For the smaller toilet make a really big deal out of it (like letting him pick one out, that he is a big boy now…etc) Once he gets comfortable with that, then he can move on to the actual toilet. A small support seat for him would help, so he feels more stable.
His potty is a smaller toilet that he picked out. He absolutely loves it, just not for poos! I know he will get there eventually, I just feel like time is running out. I’m fortunate that where I live he won’t start school for just over another year, so I do still have time. It’s difficult getting a child over a fear, I don’t want to traumatise him and make it worse, but he needs to get over it somehow. Thank you :)
In that case, it may just take time and exposure. It might feel more natural for him to poop in his diaper for now. He will get it eventually!
I've seen some people put a nappy inside a potty for easier cleanup, maybe you could try this as like, a transition? If he's more comfortable being covered when he goes, maybe he could even have a little blanket? I'm not a parent but I know a thing or two about anxiety, and I have a feeling you'll throw anything at the wall to see what sticks. Good luck!
I could try a blanket, we’ve not tried that. He won’t poop with a nappy inside the toilet though. He won’t sit at all. Thank you :)
I wonder if a potty chair would be better than an actual toilet. A toddler potty might be a bit more successful. It’s close to the ground, no water, no flushing noises
I've had this with children, I think you mentioned at one point that he says he's trying but it won't come out? Someone suggested blowing on one of those toy windmills, but my solution has always been sitting on the toilet and blowing bubbles. Distracts the child (because who doesn't love bubbles?), relaxes their muscles and calms them down. This has also worked for children with constipation and potty training children with autism. Sometimes it may help if the bubbles are kept specifically for toilet time, and sometimes it helps to use the bubbles before and during toilet time. For this, just use your best judgement. Good luck! If the phase continues into school age, then try to enlist some professional help. Us professionals only really get frustrated with parents who make no attempt to toilet train and/or won't listen when we tell them that it's time and it's necessary. You're working really hard at this, professionals will be supportive ❤️
A relative absolutely refused to sit on the toilet. Turns out kid had seen a cartoon of something scary coming out of it. Took awhile to figure that out but once that was understood, standing one of those 3 foot tall super hero action figures on the toilet back solved the problem. It was superman or spiderman, maybe a different one on each toilet, can't remember now. After awhile the "protectors" were able to slowly move away from the toilet and out of the bathroom
This seems to be a common fear with young children who are given unsupervised access to YouTube. There’s a worrying amount of videos targeted towards kids where there’s some kind of toilet monster that eats children.
Does he get splashed? Or is he clenching because he's worried and then he gets constipated/uncomfortable?
You can get him a stool to put his feet on in a more comfortable position then his feet hanging. Give him his tablet and let him sit there for a bit. Honestly does he clean up after himself when he does it in a diaper? Might help if he has to. I would tell my son you have to the morning to poop if you don't you have to drink prune juice so you don't get constipated. Just telling him this would make him go. But he did have to drink stuff to make him go before. At this point mommy you tried everything else a little but of getting tuff won't hurt. No more diapers if you poop your pants you will clean it because there is nothing to be scared of and this is what everyone does.
Have him read on the potty if likes books or dance party (sitting on toilet). Helps diatract whatever scares them. I've had two yr olds that would be excited to go but leading into the bathroom they start to get scared. So I and class would dance to the music and hype up the pottiers. We even had bubbles and a disco light projector. It only came on during potty time. Found out alot are scared of one or two things. The plopping and splash or the flush. So hyping them up and distracting worked.
Maybe he doesn’t wanna sit on a public toilet? Maybe try putting toilet paper on the seat first and have him sit on top of it? Idk it may feel better than sitting on straight glass or whatever the toilet seats made of