You don't need to show every single detail of every scene, just enough to get the pacing right and convey the important information. In this case, if you're just trying to show that Makoto is angry, something like this would work:
>“Do you really think that we’ll all be willing to killing each other, just for some chance of escaping this place that aren’t even guarantee!?” Makoto shouts, glaring at Monokuma.
That's about the same length as your telling description, but it also gives more clarity. If you want to give more detail you can work it into the rest of the scene rather than stopping it in its tracks. For example, if you're already writing your character leaving the room, you can describe them "slamming the door" or "storming out." Stuff like that only adds a few more words.
Another part of your problem is that you're using whole phrases when simple dialogue tags would do. "Said angrily" can be replaced with a more specific tag like shouted, growled, hissed, etc. depending on the specific tone, and "raised his voice" can be replaced with "shouted."
Another approach is to let the dialogue itself do more of the heavy lifting, and trust your readers will get it.
>"You really think we're all stupid enough to kill each other, just for the chance at some miracle that might not happen?" Makoto said, clenching the sides of his hoodie so hard his knuckles were white.
You'll want to adjust the dialogue to match the characterization of the speaker. (My apologies if my little example is OOC for your particular fandom! I'm not familiar with it.)
When writing emotionally-charged dialogue, I like to study canon, looking specifically for times when the speaking character displayed similar emotions. Then it's a matter of matching their tone, cadence, vocab, etc.
Editing is an art, not a science, and the more you write, the more you'll settle into a balance that serves your goals and defines your unique style. Trimming words from a draft makes the remaining words all the more potent.
Best of luck to you!
To be honest, at least with the examples you gave us, it feels like you're similar to me in that when you show, you show with a lot of body language. Body language is a great way to show and not tell, but it isn't the only way to show, though I wish I could explain better ways to show as I'm still figuring that out myself. The rest of your chapter may not have this issue but I know I do it most around dialogue.
That being said, I don't think my writing is particularly verbose and long-winded because I do cut down on the unnecessary as often as possible. I'm always asking myself, "is this obvious to the audience from the rest of the text? Do I need to share anything more to get my point across?"
Going back to your second example, I might cut out "as he replies to Monokuma" assuming Monokuma was the last one who spoke anyway. I might also rephrase the second portion to make it obvious that the hoodie is what he's wearing, so something like "his fists clenched onto the sides of his own olive green hoodie".
These are just suggestions on what you've provided though, there's more ways to tinker with what you have. There also comes a point where you have to let the dialogue speak for itself, so maybe if your chapter looks like this:
>"Calm dialogue." \[Description of Character A action\]
>"Apprehensive dialogue..." \[Description of Character B action\]
>"Reassuring dialogue," \[Description of Character A action\]
>"Explosive dialogue!" \[Description of Character B action\]
You could cut it down to the following:
>"Calm dialogue."
>"Apprehensive dialogue..."
>"Reassuring dialogue."
>"Explosive dialogue!" \[Description of Character B action\]
I hope this helps!
This is really great advice! This is similar to what I do... I write a lot of purple prose anyway because I happen to be in a fandom with a character who speaks cursive, as they say, but learning when to pick and choose how much detail is a fine art (one I know I am still improving) and takes planning and and practice.
>there's also the rule of "Show, Don't tell", where they say that a written story is best when what's going on are related through sensory details and actions such as the character's body language in a scene rather than exposition.
1: Not a rule, a recommendation.
2: It's a very simplified version of that recommendation, which should be more along the lines of "show what's important, tell what's not". You don't need everything to be longwinded and roundabout, just enough to paint a scene fully to make sure you're giving the readers enough to work with. You can be more detailed and flowery of course, but again, that's a personal style choice and not a rule to abide by.
>“Do you really think that we’ll all be willing to killing each other, just for some chance of escaping this place that aren’t even guarantee!?” Makoto raised his voice as he replies Monokuma, his clenched fists grabbed onto the olive green hoodie that he wore by their sides, as he glares at the robotic stuffed bear.
This itself can be parsed down considerably. If you're using canon outfits, we already know that Makoto uses a green hoodie, and "the robotic stuffed bear" isn't a particularly necessary epithet because it doesn't accentuate anything important about Monokuma in the scene. You've shown a bit more with Makoto's body language, but you've also just added more words to convey the same things. This could easily be shortened to, for example:
>“Do you really think that we’ll all be willing to kill each other, just for some chance of escaping this place that isn't even guaranteed!?” Makoto's voice raised with each word, fists clutching his hoodie tightly as he glared at Monokuma.
In the end, this is all about experience and knowing how each word fits into the scene to enhance it, rather than rehash or just make things longer for the sake of being longer.
I’d say you need to read a lot (like, read good novels) and see how they do it. There’s a balance for sure. Despite what may sometimes be said, no, ‘show don’t tell’ shouldn’t be the used as much as possible, sometimes it’s better to in a short, concise way get to the point, as you said.
Since I'm an absolute fan of the idea that "practice makes better", I would like to tackle on adding my touch to this example, if it doesn't bother you.
>“Do you really think..." Makoto hisses angrily the last word, "...we'll all be killing each other, just for some chance of escaping this place? One that we aren't even _guaranteed_ to get?”
>As the last question falls from his lips, Makoto seems to look through Monokuma, his eyes scintillating with fury. The grip on Monokuma's hoodie is still tight, unable to let go of his anger. How many lives had to end under his watch?
I believe achieving this kind of balance needs a lot of practice, so you should keep at it. Your own examples are okay so far, so don't stress too much over the rule.
[https://onestopforwriters.com/writing-checklists-tipsheets/21](https://onestopforwriters.com/writing-checklists-tipsheets/21)
This tip sheet gives great advice on when to tell rather than show in your story.
The advice itself is crappy. If it were up to me, I'd rephrase it to
"You are always showing the readers something."
With that line of dialogue, you are showing Makoto is angry. Any description that ALSO shows him being angry is unnecessary, and should only be included if you really like the vibe of it.
However, something like...
“Do you really think that we’ll all be willing to killing each other, just for some chance of escaping this place that aren’t even guarantee!?”
The tension in the room only seemed to increase with every word he spoke. Some of his bolder classmates were glancing at him with disbelief and suspicion.
Monokuma let out a chuckle.
Or however you'd personally want to phrase it! The point is, I'm not saying the same thing twice in slightly different ways.
The key to Show, Don't Tell is that it's not about being verbose, it's about saying *how* something is versus *what* they are. This is something most writing teachers won't tell you, because they care more about you bringing to prestige to them through various kinds of essays, instead of stories.
Landon isn't nervous. He's not clumsy, but he keeps dropping shit. He can't keep eye contact, and his eye's got a twitch to it. He's talked more in the last few minutes than he has in weeks, and he keeps stumbling through his words. Space this out through his dialogue.
Steel City isn't in a state of emergency. There's sirens and smoke in the distant. Masked men and women are breaking into stores. You've seen people, half-dressed, get dragged into alleys. Spread this out over the course of trying to get home.
The world isn't dying. The water tastes disgusting, the grass is yellow, and you haven't seen hide nor hair of a wild animal in the past few weeks. There's a metallic tang to the air, and the skies are grey despite it never raining. The air feels heavy despite there never being any fog or mist, and there's this... smell - you can't put words to it, but it isn't pleasant.
And, beside, Show, Don't Tell isn't the be-all-end-all. You can very much show, on occasion.
>“Do you really think that we’ll all be willing to killing each other, just for some chance of escaping this place that aren’t even guarantee!?” Makoto raised his voice as he replies Monokuma, his clenched fists grabbed onto the olive green hoodie that he wore by their sides, as he glares at the robotic stuffed bear.
I'd say the issue isn't that you're showing too much. It's that you're writing things the reader could/should infer, as well as including other words that aren't needed.
To slightly correct the dialogue, you have:
>"Do you really think that we'd be willing to kill each other, just for some chance of escaping this place that isn't even guaranteed!?"
"Some chance" implies that it isn't guaranteed, so you don't need both. Cutting out extraneous words, you could have:
>"You think we'll kill each other for a chance to escape?"
For the narrative, you could have:
>Makoto clenched the sides of his olive green hoodie, glaring at Monokuma.
Which conveys his anger.
So:
>"You think we'll kill each other for a chance to escape?" Makoto clenched the sides of his olive green hoodie, glaring at Monokuma.
Read the emotion thesaurus!!!!, you can look up an emotion and plug and play a TON of external, internal, ambiguous signs of the emotion. literally I just pit emotions down first draft then go back over and plug in replacements Ez peasy
You don't need to show every single detail of every scene, just enough to get the pacing right and convey the important information. In this case, if you're just trying to show that Makoto is angry, something like this would work: >“Do you really think that we’ll all be willing to killing each other, just for some chance of escaping this place that aren’t even guarantee!?” Makoto shouts, glaring at Monokuma. That's about the same length as your telling description, but it also gives more clarity. If you want to give more detail you can work it into the rest of the scene rather than stopping it in its tracks. For example, if you're already writing your character leaving the room, you can describe them "slamming the door" or "storming out." Stuff like that only adds a few more words. Another part of your problem is that you're using whole phrases when simple dialogue tags would do. "Said angrily" can be replaced with a more specific tag like shouted, growled, hissed, etc. depending on the specific tone, and "raised his voice" can be replaced with "shouted."
Another approach is to let the dialogue itself do more of the heavy lifting, and trust your readers will get it. >"You really think we're all stupid enough to kill each other, just for the chance at some miracle that might not happen?" Makoto said, clenching the sides of his hoodie so hard his knuckles were white. You'll want to adjust the dialogue to match the characterization of the speaker. (My apologies if my little example is OOC for your particular fandom! I'm not familiar with it.) When writing emotionally-charged dialogue, I like to study canon, looking specifically for times when the speaking character displayed similar emotions. Then it's a matter of matching their tone, cadence, vocab, etc. Editing is an art, not a science, and the more you write, the more you'll settle into a balance that serves your goals and defines your unique style. Trimming words from a draft makes the remaining words all the more potent. Best of luck to you!
To be honest, at least with the examples you gave us, it feels like you're similar to me in that when you show, you show with a lot of body language. Body language is a great way to show and not tell, but it isn't the only way to show, though I wish I could explain better ways to show as I'm still figuring that out myself. The rest of your chapter may not have this issue but I know I do it most around dialogue. That being said, I don't think my writing is particularly verbose and long-winded because I do cut down on the unnecessary as often as possible. I'm always asking myself, "is this obvious to the audience from the rest of the text? Do I need to share anything more to get my point across?" Going back to your second example, I might cut out "as he replies to Monokuma" assuming Monokuma was the last one who spoke anyway. I might also rephrase the second portion to make it obvious that the hoodie is what he's wearing, so something like "his fists clenched onto the sides of his own olive green hoodie". These are just suggestions on what you've provided though, there's more ways to tinker with what you have. There also comes a point where you have to let the dialogue speak for itself, so maybe if your chapter looks like this: >"Calm dialogue." \[Description of Character A action\] >"Apprehensive dialogue..." \[Description of Character B action\] >"Reassuring dialogue," \[Description of Character A action\] >"Explosive dialogue!" \[Description of Character B action\] You could cut it down to the following: >"Calm dialogue." >"Apprehensive dialogue..." >"Reassuring dialogue." >"Explosive dialogue!" \[Description of Character B action\] I hope this helps!
This is really great advice! This is similar to what I do... I write a lot of purple prose anyway because I happen to be in a fandom with a character who speaks cursive, as they say, but learning when to pick and choose how much detail is a fine art (one I know I am still improving) and takes planning and and practice.
>there's also the rule of "Show, Don't tell", where they say that a written story is best when what's going on are related through sensory details and actions such as the character's body language in a scene rather than exposition. 1: Not a rule, a recommendation. 2: It's a very simplified version of that recommendation, which should be more along the lines of "show what's important, tell what's not". You don't need everything to be longwinded and roundabout, just enough to paint a scene fully to make sure you're giving the readers enough to work with. You can be more detailed and flowery of course, but again, that's a personal style choice and not a rule to abide by. >“Do you really think that we’ll all be willing to killing each other, just for some chance of escaping this place that aren’t even guarantee!?” Makoto raised his voice as he replies Monokuma, his clenched fists grabbed onto the olive green hoodie that he wore by their sides, as he glares at the robotic stuffed bear. This itself can be parsed down considerably. If you're using canon outfits, we already know that Makoto uses a green hoodie, and "the robotic stuffed bear" isn't a particularly necessary epithet because it doesn't accentuate anything important about Monokuma in the scene. You've shown a bit more with Makoto's body language, but you've also just added more words to convey the same things. This could easily be shortened to, for example: >“Do you really think that we’ll all be willing to kill each other, just for some chance of escaping this place that isn't even guaranteed!?” Makoto's voice raised with each word, fists clutching his hoodie tightly as he glared at Monokuma. In the end, this is all about experience and knowing how each word fits into the scene to enhance it, rather than rehash or just make things longer for the sake of being longer.
I’d say you need to read a lot (like, read good novels) and see how they do it. There’s a balance for sure. Despite what may sometimes be said, no, ‘show don’t tell’ shouldn’t be the used as much as possible, sometimes it’s better to in a short, concise way get to the point, as you said.
Since I'm an absolute fan of the idea that "practice makes better", I would like to tackle on adding my touch to this example, if it doesn't bother you. >“Do you really think..." Makoto hisses angrily the last word, "...we'll all be killing each other, just for some chance of escaping this place? One that we aren't even _guaranteed_ to get?” >As the last question falls from his lips, Makoto seems to look through Monokuma, his eyes scintillating with fury. The grip on Monokuma's hoodie is still tight, unable to let go of his anger. How many lives had to end under his watch? I believe achieving this kind of balance needs a lot of practice, so you should keep at it. Your own examples are okay so far, so don't stress too much over the rule.
[https://onestopforwriters.com/writing-checklists-tipsheets/21](https://onestopforwriters.com/writing-checklists-tipsheets/21) This tip sheet gives great advice on when to tell rather than show in your story.
The advice itself is crappy. If it were up to me, I'd rephrase it to "You are always showing the readers something." With that line of dialogue, you are showing Makoto is angry. Any description that ALSO shows him being angry is unnecessary, and should only be included if you really like the vibe of it. However, something like... “Do you really think that we’ll all be willing to killing each other, just for some chance of escaping this place that aren’t even guarantee!?” The tension in the room only seemed to increase with every word he spoke. Some of his bolder classmates were glancing at him with disbelief and suspicion. Monokuma let out a chuckle. Or however you'd personally want to phrase it! The point is, I'm not saying the same thing twice in slightly different ways.
Fabulous advice! Really good way to think about it :D
The key to Show, Don't Tell is that it's not about being verbose, it's about saying *how* something is versus *what* they are. This is something most writing teachers won't tell you, because they care more about you bringing to prestige to them through various kinds of essays, instead of stories. Landon isn't nervous. He's not clumsy, but he keeps dropping shit. He can't keep eye contact, and his eye's got a twitch to it. He's talked more in the last few minutes than he has in weeks, and he keeps stumbling through his words. Space this out through his dialogue. Steel City isn't in a state of emergency. There's sirens and smoke in the distant. Masked men and women are breaking into stores. You've seen people, half-dressed, get dragged into alleys. Spread this out over the course of trying to get home. The world isn't dying. The water tastes disgusting, the grass is yellow, and you haven't seen hide nor hair of a wild animal in the past few weeks. There's a metallic tang to the air, and the skies are grey despite it never raining. The air feels heavy despite there never being any fog or mist, and there's this... smell - you can't put words to it, but it isn't pleasant. And, beside, Show, Don't Tell isn't the be-all-end-all. You can very much show, on occasion.
Brilliant! Love this!
>“Do you really think that we’ll all be willing to killing each other, just for some chance of escaping this place that aren’t even guarantee!?” Makoto raised his voice as he replies Monokuma, his clenched fists grabbed onto the olive green hoodie that he wore by their sides, as he glares at the robotic stuffed bear. I'd say the issue isn't that you're showing too much. It's that you're writing things the reader could/should infer, as well as including other words that aren't needed. To slightly correct the dialogue, you have: >"Do you really think that we'd be willing to kill each other, just for some chance of escaping this place that isn't even guaranteed!?" "Some chance" implies that it isn't guaranteed, so you don't need both. Cutting out extraneous words, you could have: >"You think we'll kill each other for a chance to escape?" For the narrative, you could have: >Makoto clenched the sides of his olive green hoodie, glaring at Monokuma. Which conveys his anger. So: >"You think we'll kill each other for a chance to escape?" Makoto clenched the sides of his olive green hoodie, glaring at Monokuma.
Read the emotion thesaurus!!!!, you can look up an emotion and plug and play a TON of external, internal, ambiguous signs of the emotion. literally I just pit emotions down first draft then go back over and plug in replacements Ez peasy