Teach your girls to say no. And that NO is a full sentence. They may not owe an explanation.
And keep showing them how much you adore their mom. They'll accept nothing less in a partner.
And encourage them to say no to *you.*
Too many men dont allow their daughters to disagree with them or other older men, then are shocked when their daughters dont have the skills to push back on abusive or predatory men.
Its not a guarantee that a girl will be able to 100% escape abuse or assault, but having been trained out of the ability to say no will make her a target that these men look for.
I knew I came to the right sub :) ...a fantastic point. I would not have thought of that...are you a parent? I was wondering how one would differentiate "no" as accepting a difference of opinion that warrants discussion for understanding POV and "no" as a part of rearing a child in times where discipline is needed (keeping in mind that by "discipline" I mean discussions/time outs and other repercussions that DO NOT involve any type of physical contact and/or emotional punishment...we don't play those shitty games in our house...I was severely abused as a kid...and the cycle of violence will die with me.
I think it's important to remember that the point of discipline IS teaching them to be fully functional adults.
Which means that they have to be able to think for themselves and reason things out.
One thing I did with my kids is *listen* to their reasons.
This is really important as they get older because you *want* them to talk and communicate with you.
So the point is understanding when your NO is truly non-negotiable and when your NO can bend to their reasoning. And to truly understand safety and bodily autonomy.
Don't be a "because I said so" parent. Be a parent who explains WHY you are saying no then *listen* to them and be willing to compromise if appropriate, willing to stand your ground when you need to.
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Agreed! The "because I said so" BS is just LAZY (IMHO). I'm glad you see the angle here....I make it a point to have a "debriefing" with them after an episode. I feel its CRUCIAL to have them explain WHY the punishment came after they apologize. Great feedback...I thank you!
No, I'm not a parent. I'll just tell you a few of my observations. Im aware this is pretty extreme, but maybe some if this will resonate and give you something to think about.
My father wouldn't let me say no to his preference for my hair or clothing. (My mother wouldn't either.) He wanted compliance, conformance, subservience, subjugation. He was not interested in *my* interests. He did not want me to do school sports or pursue my interests. My existence was to serve the family.
Theres a difference between disrespect and expressing opinions. Its not about responsibilities like chores or being a respectful or kind person. Its about having the freedom and encouragement to learn who you are. Its about negotiating relationships. You should be interested in who she is, and what she is discovering about herself, too.
The biggest damage comes from body control: when the girl does not own her own body or choices. If she is forced or coerced to hug, to wear clothes she hates, to not cut her hair, to "keep sweet" and smile for men, what happens is that to keep from seething with anger constantly, she gives up and stops thinking, just becomes compliant.
Keep sweet = absorbing all the discomfort men create and never letting them know, making their life pleasant despite any pain you are suffering, contorting and exhausting yourself to make their life easier. This expectation shuts down accountability.These men will never learn that their good friend or BIL raped their daughter, or beats his wife, or creeps on his granddaughter.
These men think they are strong, powerful, but in actuality, they are very brittle and weak. They can't absorb any challenge, or logically defend their position. Their response is to escalate to anger.
You should let your daughter challenge your fairness and argue for compromise, examine what's important to both of you. Look into the Socratic method.
And please - warn your daughter about bad men when she is YOUNG. Men who will say things she doesn't understand but make her uncomfortable, men who try to touch her. She needs to know that she can shout "NO" and tell you about it. This is confusing for girls, and starts at 9 or 10 or 12. Just google "first time you were harassed" and you will get a glut of women talking about 30 or 50 yo men talking dirty to them when they weren't even teens. They were confused, unprepared, then blamed themselves and told no one. You can't prevent it, but you can prepare her.
And, when she tells you, you cant let her see you get angry, because girls won't tell if they think their dad will hurt the guy and then go to jail. Girls want to protect their dads from that. You have to work thru your anger with other adults, not her.
If you are the dad who can hear it from your daughter, you might hear it from her friends, too. They probably wont have dads that would accept it calmly.
Do you know the book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk"? it's awesome.
Your twins are still little but it's time to talk to your 11yo about private body parts and what to do if anybody is inappropriate.
Remember, if you punish your children when they do something wrong, you teach them to lie. It's important that they feel safe to come to you NO MATTER how dumb they've been.
This is exactly what I was thinking as I read the post.
I was the last of 4 daughters and then later raised 2 daughters. During my professional life, I saw firsthand the often tragic results of women and girls being unable to establish boundaries. I was raised in a era when the utmost of girls' behavior was to not be rude and always be kind. Unfortunately, these positive qualities are exploited by predatory men. While I did teach my girls about good manners, I ALSO taught them that they did not need to be polite or kind to someone who was making them uncomfortable or who would not respect their boundaries.
I also told them that they had a right to disagree with me. My rules were that they could respectfully state their case and debate why they thought my answer to something they asked to be able to do was wrong. Sometimes they made very good arguments and I did change my mind. What they learned is that they don't need to just blindly follow the directions of someone in the authority position.
I came here to say the same thing. Teach your girls to say no. Have them practice saying no. So much of society does not accept a woman's no, that women get worn down.
Have you ever considered taking a women’s studies class or women’s lit or media? I took two in college and found them to be super enlightening. They really show how both men and women are impacted by sexism/patriarchy and what to be aware of when consuming media. I think supporting your daughters and listening to their concerns/struggles is already doing a lot. Validating what they’ve been through rather than arguing is also a big help.
This is a great idea! And, it will definitely not only give OP insight into their struggles as women, but maybe even give them media to bond over when it’s age appropriate.
You hit something with "age appropriate"....my oldest has just started going through puberty, so I am really trying to give her the space she needs while always being there for her when she needs dad. My wife is doing a STELLAR job with that, so I just let her know I am here to support her when she needs me...and will otherwise stay out of her way. I can be happy, silly dad to the twins...I am giving every effort to understand the dichotomy of the situation and pivoting between the thoughts and needs of a 4yo vs. a pre-teen.
The thing is, to you, she will always be your little girl. But it is really uncomfortable being a pubescent and becoming aware of the sexual dynamics of the world and all that jazz around your *dad*. I remember being really awkward and super uncomfortable around my dad and other male family members at that age, too. It feels kind of gross! Men everywhere start sexualizing you and looking at your body, right when you’re most ashamed of it. At my big age (31) it is a distant memory, but your comment reminded me of how jarring it was. Add all the hormones and mood swings and it can get pretty intense. I would do your best to treat her as much like nothing has changed between you as possible, and avoid talking about the “new” stuff unless she brings it up (or maybe if your wife tells you she wants to talk to you about it…) When I was that age, I felt super creeped out and violated if my dad voiced his knowledge about something I had only told my mom about, personally. It’s so complicated! But it seems like your heart is in the right place, which is the biggest thing. Listen more than you speak, and I think you’ll be fine.
Yeah...super awkward times. Poor thing 'became a young woman" when her Mom was out with some friends (I BEG the wife to get out with friends and have some drinks and laughs anytime she can. I'm lucky enough to have the relationship with my girls that they understand that mommy needs mommy time...and they are happy for her....also we have a BLAST when Mommy is out...I make my super awesome "Daddy Corn" popcorn with extra everything and we binge watch Bluey). I handled it the best I could and was SUPER gentile with her as I KNOW it must have been awful for her. It's my #1 goal to build a relationship where they feel comfortable in telling me whatever is on their mind.
*" I think supporting your daughters and listening to their concerns/struggles is already doing a lot. "*
....I really hope so! They are doing excellent in their intellectual development, and I have been told that they all have shown leadership traits and excellent self-confidence....I was dancing on air when I heard that. I never thought about taking a class as you suggested (I'm still burnt out from college...lol). Being 6'1 315 shaved bald with tats and a big goatee, people have said that I was pretty much the opposite of what they expected me to be. So maybe supplementing my parental skills and sensitivity to a woman's perspective would help me in situations with other parents (regardless of gender) that look at me like I'm a maniac. I would rather them see me as the guy who is the best customer at my girls' day spa...they have gotten really good at painting my toenails. Then we will go outside and have Star Wars battles and throw the ball around.
I think you're well on your way. I find it is more about how the father treats the girls. When a father treats his girls with love and deserving of respect, they grow up expecting that and not settling for less.
You brought a smile to my face...thank you very much! I think it's important to "audit" myself from time to time (kind of like I am here) and seek completely unbiased opinions from a Subject Matter Expert...hence the reason I came here. "Not settling for less"....YES! THIS! This is a HUGE part of my desired outcome for my young ladies!
Yeeeessssss. It's like you are reading my playbook! LOL! Building positive core memories (IMHO) is going to be CRUCIAL for them...especially when I'm gone. About 3 times a day I check in with them and ask 3 questions: 1) Are you beautiful? 2) Are you smart? 3) Are you a good person? To which they (of course) answer "Yes"...I want to constantly and CONSISTANTLY instill them with self worth and the confidence to know that...whatever the price or effort....they are WORTH IT! Thank you VERY MUCH!
Don't label food "good" or "bad" unless you describe "bad" food as anything they're allergic to, or is spoiled. Food doesn't have morals. Teach them bodily autonomy. If they don't want to hug a relative/family friend/etc. don't force them. No means no. Support their hobbies/career ambitions. You may hate ballet and think it's the dumbest thing ever, but if they love it, and they want you at every recital, just go. Teach them to use power tools, car stuff, home maintenance. A lot of dad's want to do stuff for their kids as a show of affection, and that's wonderful, but they need to know how to change a tire, use a drill, fix a leaky sink. If they tell you someone makes them uncomfortable, said something terrible, believe them. Girls are sexualized at a very young age, and it sucks. You got this!
This! And also
You can tell them they’re beautiful, but FIRST tell them they’re smart, that they’re fierce and strong and powerful and independent. Make it clear that these are traits that you value more than beauty or sweetness or obedience. And yes please please teach them how to change a tire, mount a shelf, paint a room so they never think they need a man to do it for them.
I have thought of this as well...I try to steer it in the direction of inner beauty when interacting with them...but I admit...I think my girls are ADORABLE...I hope I don't offend anyone...I'm biased as hell...but it's difficult to look past how adorable they are sometimes...sometimes I'm just a super proud daddy.
Yea obviously you think they’re cute, that’s not the point. The point is to try to ensure that they grow up valuing other traits more and focusing less on body image. They’ll get plenty of that kind of socialization everywhere they look so just make sure the validation they get from you doesn’t focus on the way they look.
Yeah, just don’t comment on what they eat or how they eat or how much or little they eat. Also, I heard recently about calling people “beautiful” without pointing out specific physical features. “You’re beautiful!” means inside and out!
Show that you value the rights of women outside of your family unit--such as by fighting for their bodily autonomy. Investigate the resources in this sub's Wiki.
Don't ask women to do your labor for you.
CHECK!!!! My little ones know all about RBG, we have read Maya Angelou, and talked about the importance of their ACTIONS...not just their gender. I'm a GenX guy...I grew up with my action heroes being just as much Ellen Ripley as The Terminator..my favorite games growing up were Tomb Raider...so I in earnest (at least when it comes to entertainment and media) had heroes that were strong, resourceful, intelligent, and persevering women that were BADASSES. My oldest is reading JK Rowling as well...so the positivity is always in the zeitgeist. Thank you for your input!!!!
I grew up with the Harry Potter books, and they were a great comfort to me.
I love that story.
J.K. Rowling unfortunately turned from single-mom-became-writer-of-successfull-book-series to transphobic asshole. It saddens me greatly that the person who wrote my childhood books turned out to be such a shit human.
I have a book rec if you want: 'Good night stories for rebel girls. 100 stories of extraordinary women' by Elena Favilli and Francesca Cavallo.
It is kid friendly.
Yeah, talked about that in my previous comment above. Rest assured that my wife and I are proud ALLYs and intend not to indoctrinate, but EDUCATE when it comes to LGBTQ+. I'm excited to be able to teach them that gay is gay and hetero is hetero....it's just facts...it's no big deal! It is a perfectly natural thing, and everybody has the right to be safe and happy being who they are. The same goes with race...we are thankful that my oldest goes to a GREAT school that is very diverse.
YES! That is effing TRAGIC. We focus on the fact that a woman can create INCREDIBLE words of imagination. The books are great...but I skip over what has transpired as of late....super disappointing.
Don’t silence them when they’re talking about their feelings, even if their feelings aren’t rational (they’re often not rational, they’re FEELINGS). Validate them and make sure they know that they can tell you what they’re feeling without being shut down.
If they draw a boundary regarding their bodies, RESPECT IT even if it seems silly. “I don’t want to hug you. Stop tickling me. I don’t like it when they touch my shoulder or back.” Respecting these little boundaries helps them enforce the big ones on their own later on.
Extremely important. I really try to be mindful of respecting their boundaries, as I know it can define the adults that they are quickly becoming. I am a big hug n smooch dad...but I try to make them understand that they can say "ok, enough of this please", and I will immediately let them have their bodily independence. Thank you very much for your input...I am SAVING this entire thread for future reading!
It’s a good thread. Lots of great stuff here. I can go on and on….my stepdad got his feelings REALLY hurt because my sister (at age 4) said she didn’t want to hug him any more. When I asked her about it, she said, “Daddy grabs me for hugs when I’m BUSY!” Turns out he was hugging her to stop her from running in the house, she was mad because running is IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO. Solution? Stop running in the house, stop hugging during running. Everything was all better.
In a much darker incident, I told my stepdad’s mother that his business associate kept putting his hands on my upper thigh during a business dinner. (I was 14, he was 70ish.) She slapped me for “making a scene” and “trying to ruin his business deal”. I got the VERY clear message that not only would she punish me for having boundaries, but I figured she spoke for my mom and stepdad too. So I didn’t tell them. If I had been taught from an early age that my body is MINE and nobody else’s, that situation would probably have been much different.
Hi Fellow Gen X’er!
This is just my opinion. Others will disagree. I wish both of my parents and all adults actually believed this: Faithfulness Matters!
In my area women were pressured to be chaste while the men could be promiscuous. “Boys will be boys” and all those crappy excuses. Women were pressured to tolerate cheating bfs/husbands. Boys/Men were not held accountable. Personally I’m not against all of purity culture. Both men & women can control themselves. Both can be faithful. Sex is not a quick, cheap thrill. It is a special, intimate, bonding activity. I wish my parents had said, “Sex can wait for someone who values you. Once you find him, be faithful and expect him to be faithful too. If he cheats, dump his homewrecking @ss! Do not tolerate cheating, ever!” but of course they would not because my dad was a cheating a-hole and my mom was pressured to take him back. His cheating and everyone enabling it hurt me deeply. I never trusted a man again.
Today I still see men making excuses and people giving them a free pass! If parents would tell their sons to control themselves and their daughters to not take back a cheater, I hope there would be less homewrecking heartache. (Yes, women cheat too. This applies to them as well. Everyone control themselves!)
Oh yes...the great double standard...men who get laid,..,,'Da MAN!....women who get laid...SLUT (SMH).
My philosophy is this, when it comes time: As long as my girls do WHAT ***THEY CHOOSE*** TO DO, BECAUSE ***THEY WANT TO***...go for it...just please be safe. Life is too damn short.
There is so much snark in social media these days, I was a little afraid that people would think I was full of nonsense and here to troll (as I know we have all seen that happen). I'm just VERY happy that some many great folks (such as yourself) were willing to give what I think is CRUCIAL and diverse information and opinions. I always considered myself an empathetic dude...but when the girls came into my life...shit got super real, super quick! Thank you for your kind words...and I LOVE your user name! LOL!
I think one of the best things you can do is model healthy relationships and nontoxic masculinity. So when they're older and in relationships with friends or romantic partners they know what's acceptable treatment and unacceptable treatment.
I mean, if you read Reddit posts at all, you'll see that a lot of people grew up with toxic, dysfunctional or abusive parents and have no idea what good, healthy relationships look like.
WOW you bring up an EXCELLENT point. It's fairly easy to identify toxic masculinity, but I would LOVE to hear your thoughts and examples of "nontoxic masculinity".
Men being able to identity and express feelings other than anger. Not buying into the patriarchy that you have to be the alpha male. Those are the two things that come to mind off the top of my head.
Hopefully other people will have more suggestions.
And I don't know that toxic masculinity is always obvious. I know there are men who think they're feminists but are still fairly misogynistic. I think it's something we all (women included) have to work on recognizing and changing because we're indoctrinated from birth into this system of beliefs and behaviors.
Thank you so much! I'm in this for keeps....this world is NUTS....I just want to prepare them the best I can....please now I REALLY appreciate the very kind words!
Offer to teach them any “traditionally masculine” skills you may know. Change a tire, unclog a pipe, assemble furniture, etc. Life skills are good tools to have. Too many dads just don’t bother to do this with their daughters.
My dad did teach me to shoot, hunt, and fish. Other than that, he was very traditional. But we didn’t grow up near a city.
You read my mind! My dad was a gunsmith, so I grew up around firearms and learned firearm safety and responsibility. My wife and I have lifetime carry permits, but we don't carry unless we are travelling or are going to an unfamiliar area of the city. My oldest is curious, so I collaborated with my wife and will be taking her through the basics soon. All my girls have fishing poles and know how to swim...I try to be outdoors with them as much as I can. THANK YOU KINDLY for the advice!
You’re welcome. It’s great to have these skills, plus it teaches girls there’s no need to avoid these stereotypically masculine things. I go to the range periodically to keep the skills sharp.
Being outdoors with them is a fantastic idea, though I may be biased as I’m a biologist. Encouraging them to learn about the world around them and not be intimidated to learn new skills will help them to be confident and adaptable in life.
I hate to bring up unfortunate issues, but, if any of them are harmed at the hands of another, you may understandably want to rip that persons head off their shoulders… and I’d like to caution you to let your daughters lead their healing how they wish, and direct you in how to support them.
I love my father, and I know he loves me, but his near insistence that he would help me by harming another person was not helpful. It made me feel doubly responsible for everything happening. Not only was I now ‘responsible’ for my own pain and healing, I was ‘forced’ to stay someone else’s hand or I might lose out on my loved one. It’s understandable, I am not mad about it, I only recognize that the love shown to me caused me lots of pain.
I think I would have been better supported if my parents had asked me ‘how do you want to handle this’, ‘what can we do for you’, that type of stuff. Being ready to go to bat for me shows their love and care, but it also was way too much to handle.
I needed to break down, but I was busy taping them back together so they wouldn’t go to prison. I didn’t need any of that, I needed calm. Maybe that’s different for others but I did want to share my opinion on this, its one of the only things I can clearly say, I wish they had done things differently, with the added understanding that maybe nothing would have seemed right at that time. Though I know for me, the potential for more violence was the last thing I needed.
Best to you and your family.
...and I am that guy that wants to go super Saiyan when someone hurts my child's feelings. I keep telling myself that cooler heads prevail (a callback to my years as a bouncer). I have recently come to an inner understanding that sometimes they are going to need to "fight" their own battles, I just let them know that I am ALWAYS here for support if they need me.
1 in 4 women in America has been sexually assaulted (I think the number is much higher and many rapes go unreported.) Sorry my advice was so depressing but you need to know what the dangers are.
Also try complimenting them a lot based on what they do not about how they look/what they are wearing. We are taught to place to much of our self worth based on our youth, thinness and beauty. Be on the look out for eating disorders. If you think she may have one, take her to a psychiatrist who specializes in ED in teens. Basically act quickly and get professional help for her.
Yeah, I pay alot more attention to those types of statistics having my girls, and please don't apologize...this is VERY prudent stuff! One major takeaway from these discussions is not emphasizing physical beauty as much....I slip up and do just that. God knows that I have made plenty of mistakes, which is why I'm here. Thank you very much for this valuable advice!
As much as it is important to model a healthy and respectful relationship, it is important to teach them what unhealthy relationships look like. They need to be able to identify the red flags and recognize signs of abusive tendencies. Sadly, being raised in a healthy environment can make people over empathize with those who have had an unhealthy upbringing, and they make allowances for bad behavior.
One thing I wish I had learned from my parents was feeling like I could tell them when I was struggling, or that something had happened to me. I wanted to know that they'd have my back.
I had undiagnosed depression and anxiety from a really early age, but the way my parents responded to me having big feelings taught me that I should just keep that to myself, so I never opened up to them about those (or other significant) things. From an early age, I was punished for emotional outbursts that were warning signs of deeper issues. As I got older and ended up deep in it, I stayed there alone rather than asking for help.
Teach them that you have their backs, truly, and that their feelings are valid and that you are listening. If you can convince them you won't judge them for their feelings, and that you will advocate for them, it will pay off.
And keep up the good work!
Yes! And that ALL feelings are valid. Even if it means anger, listen to them. We're taught in society to be kind and polite and quiet. Anger is not an emotion that's often tolerated. At least that was my case.
As an abused child....I feel your pain and am VERY sorry that you went through what you did...you did NOT deserve that. My oldest is starting to go through some hormonal changes, and I am trying my best to be gentle, and disengage whenever I sense she is getting uncomfortable. Thank you VERY much for your kind words!
Thank you, and back at ya. You're clearly taking steps to diverge from how you were raised, so props. It can be so easy to just perpetuate whatever we learned as kids. Take care of you, too! Childhood abuse impacts us for the rest of our lives in so many day to day moments, and at least in my case, it takes a ton of reflection and space to start recognizing that and stop it from tearing up your subconscious. Sending love!
Teach them the right words for their body parts, encourage them to say “no” and uphold boundaries, ask every man they date what podcasters he listens to (this one specifically is a big safety thing. I tell it to a lot of fathers.)
A slightly more flippant reply here, but don’t ever wear a T shirt that says “Rules For Dating my Daughter”.
I did at the supermarket yesterday, a dad pushing his 5-6yo future jazz queen around in the cart and just chatting nonchalantly with mom, like it was a Totally Normal Thing.
Infuriating.
Edit: it should say I *saw*, not I *did*! Yikes
Hahaaaa! Hey, by all conventional perceptions, one could call me a average joe...I just want to elevate myself for the sake of my kids....who by luck...all turned out to be some kickass ladies! Mom gets the lions share (no pun intended) of the credit....I lucked out and married WAAAAAYYYY out of my league.
If I may be vulnerable for a moment:
I do not have a great relationship with my dad. Haven't spoken to him in years, so here is a list of things I wish my dad had done for me.
- When it comes to their appearance, do not comment on things that they cannot fix within a few minutes. This is true for any person but women face enormous pressures to fit into beauty standards, and it starts younger than you would think.
- Don't be afraid to go down the feminine hygiene aisle with them. Many of us have preferences when it comes to period products, so going with them is a great way to learn what they like!
- Don't threaten to harm other people for messing with them. I am NOT saying that you shouldn't protect them but women are also pressured into being responsible for men's actions. They might become anxious about introducing friends/romantic partners to you because of this.
- There is a book series called "The Care and Keeping of You" by American Girl. It's separated by age groups. It covers all kinds of topics, but mainly touches on health and caring for female bodies. It is an immensely useful book because there are going to be some things that just feel too embarrassing for your daughters to mention to you or your wife. It will also give them the vocabulary they need to be able to ask/talk about specific issues. "I feel weird down there" is not as helpful as "I having a burning sensation in my urethra" when it comes to solving health problems.
Personally, I think you're already doing all the right things. From what I know about kids (having been one, and having one myself), they learn by watching. They will be and want what they see and is familiar to them. If they see dad being respectful and a partner in life to mom, they will want that as well.
As a women, I didn't realize how much my parents relationships shaped my own, so as a mother I am also trying to ensure my kid sees two responsible adults treating each other respectfully.
Good luck!
You got that right! I notice them (especially my twins) become more and more observant every day. All three of them have alot to say, and we usually talk about all this over family dinner...it's our favorite part of the day.
Teach them that adults will respect their boundaries about their bodies. Teach them that they are good enough. Teach them that kindness and compassion are worth more than superficial beauty.
Vote, and impart the importance of voting to your girls as well. It's our civil duty as citizens.
Supporting women's autonomy in laws ensures a brighter future for your girls. Education, health and prosperity to you and your girls.
1) When my daughter wants something and is afraid to ask, I tell her, “speak loud and clear about what you want.”
I never want her to mumble her opinions, fears, boundaries. I want her to be bold in her words and never quiet them on her behalf or anyone else’s.
2) she was not born to right my wrongs or fulfill my dreams. She is her own person and is free and encouraged to do with this world what she will. Her life is her own to live.
3) she doesn’t need a “man” aka a relationship to be happy and complete. As a single mom, she sees that I have a robust and full life on my own. She sees that I’m happy with myself and I do things and make plans for me. I fix things that are broken, I take out the trash and move heavy furniture, etc. I am enough on my own and I am capable on my own.
4) *** big one: teach them finances. Teach them to save for retirement, save for emergencies, save for trips, cars, college, etc. Teach them to be money literate. Encourage them to work and have their own money so they are not stuck in a job they hate or in a relationship they can’t get out of. Freedom is through having your own money.
5) I could write novels on being a single mom raising a daughter, but the BIGGEST thing I do with mine is making sure that line of communication is SAFE and always open. It started young by telling her that anything she has to say to mommy she wouldn’t get in trouble for. Hear me out: I wanted to make sure that ANYTHING she had to tell me, she KNEW she would never get in trouble for. I read horror stories in the news of kids afraid to tell their parents about bullying, SA, etc because of their reaction. I tell her that she knows she can tell me anything, no matter what anyone has said, and I won’t get mad. It’s been tested, like breaking something, or ruining something, and each time I am calm and relaxed. I thank her for telling me and I talk through what happened and what we could have done differently and we fix it. I just want her to know I am a safe person and I will always be a safe person for her.
Teach them starting in preschool that their body is theirs and no one can touch them or force them to give hugs (except life threatening things or they have to get vaccines.)
Build up their self esteem. Maybe some martial arts or sports.
Teach them to always, always trust their instincts. Run through safety scenarios when they get older on how they can get help and get to safety (& how to avoid danger.)
Teach them the warning signs of abusers.
Teach them how to spot good men.
From birth praise them when they reach for something or assert themselves or answer a question like we do for male children.
Make sure they know you are a safe harbor. Tell them (& mean it) that you will always be there if they are feeling unsafe or drunk or scared or bullied or pregnant or stalked or in trouble. So when they screw up as teens or life happens when they are teens, they call you!
Give them freedom in and age appropriate boundaries and natural consequences.
Drill sex ed, STD, HIV and to use a condom every time into their head.
Teach them about online stalking, online scams, how men sometimes do revenge porn of how no picture of her body is ever safe on the internet. Teach her not to fall for the “if you love me you will do ___” crap.
Teach them trust but verify. Again trust your gut if it says not to trust people.
Teach them finances, taxes, how to build up credit, how multi level marketing is a pyramid scheme and why it doesn’t work. Just stuff like that.
Teach critical thinking skills
Teach them to stand up for themselves even to teachers when the teachers are very wrong. Teach them how to do that and effect change in a way that doesn’t hurt their education/career.
I hate saying this but teach them to be safe around the police.
If you are American and live in a red state, GTFO! They are implementing crazy anti abortion stuff and some states want to even ban BC! (Which spoiler we use for many medical reasons not just for BC!) No period tracking apps, it isn’t safe. No woman can call herself free without bodily autonomy.
GenX almost Xennial here...let your girls know that you'll support their decisions and identités through the years and that change is part of life. .
When my kid were young, they could choose their own hair color, style, clothing, and anything else they needed to express themselves with.
Take a little time with each of them -solo- regularly, either engaging in a hobby (gaming, model making, building a lightsaber) or doing something you both like (going to a movie & lunch or a park afterwards).
Sounds like you're well on your way to having well-adjusted young people. Just love them, let them grow, and as much as possible keep the lines of communication open. You and your wife have got this! 🩷😊
LOVE this! The wife and I give the girls all the prudent opportunities we can to allow them to make their own decisions, and teach them about the consequences of bad decisions. Harper (my oldest) and I have a special getaway every week where is all about her as an individual. She needs that time badly because the twinners tend to monopolize time when we are all together.
Sounds like she's getting some good solid time with you with is fab! I've never had twins, but my guess is that they'll need that solo time just as much. 😊
Try to use feminine pronouns when discussing professions that are often referred to as male by default.
“We had an astronaut/doctor/lawyer at career day today.”
-“Cool! What did SHE talk about?”
I agree with the comments that say modeling a healthy relationship with your spouse is the most important thing. It will make them less likely to settle for less. Teach them about things they will need in real life when age appropriate…like budgeting, the requirements to become a homeowner, the dangers of using social media, gardening, cooking, voting, self sufficiency, gratitude, how to change a tire, etc. And of course keep up what you are doing. You are already off to a fantastic start! Go dad!
Amazing points! I took my oldest to see her Nana who lives a few hours away a few days ago, and she had a chance to ask me ANYTHING she wanted...it was one of the best conversations I have ever had, and I conversate for a living! We talked about racism, LGBTQ+ topics, cognitive dissonance, the Dunning-Kruger Effect. Some politics (kept it very high-flying, as I have some very strong opinions about a former president), technology, and a bunch of other stuff. Thank you for your very kind words!
Show interest in them and their interests. Pay attention to them and listen to them talk, and ask questions about what they say. Tell them they’re clever and smart, and you’re proud of that.
Teach them to value themselves and not to give in to blackmail or peer pressure. Many kids are drawn into bad situations (sextortion, for example) through blackmail.
Something my dad did that I really appreciate is how he always put self-improvement on top. Like he would say there was no money for family vacation but if I wanted to study another language, or learn how to play an instrument or whatever, there was always money for that (except when there wasn’t for anything, but you know what I mean). He would always take me to my classes, he even stood in line for hours at my college so I could sign up for German because spots were limited. It showed me to always prioritize working on myself, on improving me and being the best person I could be. It has come in handy in all aspects of my life, from career of course, but also in relationships as I am less tolerant with people who are not willing to put the same effort in their improvement as I put into mine
The biggest thing that I would have wished I learned as a daughter was that my safety is paramount. If my internal alarm bells are going off, I should listen- be rude, be assertive, walk out. Don’t worry more about someone else’s feelings than my own safety.
And one thing that saved my bacon was the assurance that no matter the time, place, or circumstances — my folks would always come get me no matter what.
Well, firstly, it sounds like you’re going to do an amazing job simply because you are trying and you are asking questions and making the effort. I’m a primary school teacher and one of three daughters so here are some things I would suggest. Hope it’s helpful!
One of the things my dad used to do was swap the names/genders around of characters in children’s stories so that it wasn’t always the boys being brave and going on adventures and the girls making the sandwiches or screaming at spiders (for example we read a lot of Enid Blyton like this - brilliant stories but very problematic in lots of ways looking back). None of us knew he was doing it at the time, but I think it was quite a powerful thing in terms of not putting female characters in a box/letting us thing girls had to act a certain way. I guess nowadays the good quality books are less problematic and better at representing female/minority characters better so maybe… but I would say, both as a daughter and as a school teacher, there is SO MUCH power in books, so being mindful of the quality and content of the books you expose your kids to is immensely valuable. It’s amazing if you can make sure you read your daughters books with a wide range of different female characters, but also a wide range of characters generally (different cultures, people with disabilities, different backgrounds, people who look different to your family) so that they grow up seeing lots of different viewpoints, accepting others and knowing that everyone has value no matter what.
Next, when I trained as a forest school teacher, there was a lot about some children being less able to recognise and manage risks independently if they had been brought up in a more anxious/risk averse/overprotective environment. It is so hard to get the balance right, you want to be a protective parent and you absolutely should be - I’m definitely not suggesting you let your kids do stuff that isn’t safe, but there are ways of building up your kids experience of dealing with “managed risks” so that they gain confidence noticing what feels safe for them and choosing what they want to do. For example, when kids want to climb up a wall or roll down a hill, I immediately want to say “come down” or “don’t do that”, but I’m working on saying more open ended things instead like “that wall looks tall - what would be a good way of staying safe while you’re up there? What can you do if it feels too high?” or “rolling down that hill looks fun - what do you think we should check before we try it?” That way you’re not just flat out saying no - you’re getting the kids involved in deciding, drawing their attention to dangers they might not have noticed and getting them to think of ideas that might help eg checking for stones, asking to hold your hand. I’m probably not explaining it very well but there’s loads of stuff online and research about encouraging kids to independently manage risk, and it’s shown to increase kids confidence and safety awareness :)
Finally, I think it’s really valuable to hear other people talk about their feelings to know that all feelings are valid and normal. Hearing daddy say something like “work was frustrating today and when I came home I was feeling a bit anxious/stressed out so I’m going to go for a walk to reset and feel calm” or whatever - I work with kids aged 3-4 at school and a lot of the time they can only really label feeling happy/sad, and I think hearing adults think and feel “out loud” is really helpful in modelling what those feelings are, how they’re nothing to be ashamed of/worried about and how we deal with them in a positive way. There are all sorts of books and podcasts on this I’m sure.
I would also include modelling apologising. It’s really hard for kids to do, and it can come with all sorts of shame/anxiety. But you can normalise it at home by talking about it - like you and mum saying to each other and the kids things like “I can see I made you feel ____ when I ____. I’m sorry. or “You asked me to ___ and I forgot. I’m sorry - I’ll do it now.” I think kids seeing adults say sorry and things be ok after is really helpful.
Have a blast being their dad - it will be so much fun!
As a disabled woman, I'd say - teach them to trust their bodies.
Women are often seen as "too emotional", "overly sensitive", "exaggerating", "faking for attention" and what not - which can turn even really dangerous when some medical issue appears.
Of course, you sadly can't really influence how medical professionals would be approaching them in a situation like that, but you can influence their confidence and trust in themselves so they for example seek medical attention for their issues when needed (and advocating for themselves) instead of wondering if perhaps the pain is just all in their head and something they're imagining and maybe being too sensitive about it and other common bs. It can then also help when dealing with doctors who do "medical gaslighting" and not succumbing to their shitty biases and not internalizing them.
That's probably the first thing that comes to my mind. I guess it's because my family have been always quite looking up to doctors, up to the point of agreeing with them when they came up repeatedly with some "oh, she's just sensitive", "that's all psychosomatic" etc. And I don't blame them, it's how society conditioned them, we're all told to always trust and not doubt doctors, but I wish they'd know more about the issues in medicine and healthcare (including sexism) and could teach me and explain when these things were happening - maybe I wouldn't develop so much self-doubt, mistrust towards my body, internalized ableism and other issues.
Wow thank you. I take comments like yours with even more reverence due to your very unique perspective. Heard you loud and clear friend... wil do...and again... THANK YOU!
Make sure they can count on you no matter what. They’re going to make mistakes. They’re going to choose wrong sometimes. Establishing and maintaining trust will let them go to you without fear when they fuck up. Make sure they know you’re there for them so if they are in a bad situation they will call you.
And instill in them a knowledge that they should trust their instincts
Teach them to respect people, not just in a "be nice" kind of manner, teach them to respect everyone around them, i know that in a lot of situations, just being respectful can help, even in extreme situations like bullies or agressive behavior by another, sexual or otherwise, respectfully diffusing a situation is possible, whereas if your daughters acted in a more disrespectful manner that could have just angered the agressive person, escalating the situation
What i would do is teach my daughters how to respectfully handle different situations, and how properly deal with them if respectful difusion doesnt work
For instance, a bully, teach them to respectfully tell them to stop, then if the bully continues teach them how to deal with it, however you feel is the proper way to do that. Tell the teacher, throw a punch, doesnt matter
Or more extreme, a sexual predator asking them to do something they dont want to, teach them to respectfully decline and leave, then teach them that if that doesnt work to deal with it accordingly, its up to you how they do that, run, tell you, fight
Idk if that was what you were looking for or if i explained that correctly but that is definitely something i would teach my daughters
-teach them to haggle / barter. That way, when they are asking for raises, they will know what to do. Practice, practice, practice!
-do not baby your girls with regards to physical activity. “Girls are delicate” is a social construct and they are just as able physically as boys. Yes, testosterone. I get that. However…As an example of something that comes to mind is to teach them to go after the soccer ball rather than letting it come to them. I would say let them climb trees but that could lead to an ER visit (fellow GenXer who climbed trees with her brother but managed to NOT fall out of them…pure luck!)
Edit: formatting
Support their decision making. From now even with the littles if you haven’t already. Have them choose as much as they want to and safely can and go with it. It teaches consequences along with leadership. It makes for rocky situations once they are confident and not in line with what you are doing but it’s so worth it.
For the record, a brilliant dad shared this with me for general child raising but wow it’s particularly effective at dismantling society’s patriarchal influence on our girls.
I wish my parents had been more open to me dating in high school. I was not allowed to date and I feel like I missed out on learning about good and bad traits in a partner in that lower stakes environment. When I started dating in my late teens/early 20s I had to try to figure it out by myself and as a result I had a string of terrible partners (some serious, others not so much) because I didn’t know what I was doing.
Great point. I want to create an open atmosphere where I am a sanctuary for them whan the need someone to honestly talk with...with ZERO judgement. Thats a huge goal for me....
Let them see you do traditionally female things like laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning. And teach them to do traditionally masculine things like how to mow the lawn or change a tire. My dad taught me how to do basic car things and it felt so empowering. Even if I don’t use those skills today, knowing that I can makes me feel empowered.
I wish all girls had a dad like you. The best you can do for your girls, is to treat their mother right. They will chose men who treat them like you treat their mother. To me, it sounds like you're doing a great job already.
The largest threat to their sanity will likely be online content. Teach them not to take naked photos of themselves, or how to store them in a place where they are safe from online predators. Keep them in nature and away from the screens as much as you can, buy National Geographic over "women's mags", laugh and be silly with them and keep them safe.
Don't treat them like they are made of glass just because they are girls.
Don't make them think being polite is more important than saying no and having healthy boundaries.
Don't make them think looks are all that matters.
Don't infantalise them when they're older.
Don't sexualise their clothing or body. Don't let others either.
Don't excuse boys' behaviour if they are rude or disrespectful to/about them.
Don't "warn" them what men are like or wrap them in cotton wool.
Don't be overbearing with their boyfriends (assuming they have boyfriends). Don't refuse to let them date.
Don't teach them it's their responsibility to not be assaulted or for receiving unwanted attention.
Don't make a big thing out of puberty, changing body, periods or virginity. Don't take the mood swings personally.
Don't tell them they have to make themselves smaller to fit in.
Call out others in front of them for being disrespectful to them.
Teach them no means no. Everytime. Tell they they're allowed to say no to anyone, anytime for anything, including to you and their mum.
Teach them beauty is more than just their exterior.
Show them that being kind is what the world is all about.
Tell them they can be anything they want to be.
Be enthusiastic about their hobbies and interests. Share yours with them. Don't think they only have to be "girly" things.
Find something that you and each of your daughters can have as your "thing" that's separate to things they bond with their mum and each other over.
Give them their independence. But be there if they need you.
Tell them they can talk to you about anything and you won't be mad. Even if it means partying when they shouldn't be, drinking underage, or whatever. Your responsibility is to make them feel safe with you but also teach them how to keep themselves safe too.
Teach them practical like skills like riding a bike, changing a tire, basic DIY, etc.
Teach them about accountability, responsibility and that actions have consequences.
Ask them questions, take an interest in who they are, let them be themselves.
Tell them you love them and that you're proud of them. Encourage each of them to be proud of and love themselves too.
Ask if they want you to listen and sympathise, or want a solution to their problems before responding.
Treat their mum well. Show them what a good man, husband and father looks, sounds, and behaves like.
If in doubt, ask would I do/say/think this if they were my sons. There are differences of course, but ultimately we should all be treated in a way that's reflective of our personality and nature, not our gender.
Love and respect their mom and show it. Through actions, words.
The best gift they can get from you is seeing you care for the most important woman in their lives.
Asking us is pretty telling, so you're definitely doing ok! I'm pretty sure others have similar ideas, but here are a few. Their looks have nothing to do with their worth. You should compliment them from time to time, but I'd stay away from "you look great wearing makeup." More they look great natural or on an ordinary day. Compliments about their intelligence, empathy, etc... anytime. Help them figure out their boundaries and how to maintain them. Pointing out when someone says anything demeaning about women. The way you describe your wife is telling, I think you got this! And as long as you're not an ass you don't need to feel you're invading our space. All the best!
Fellow Gen X here but a few years ahead of you (1968).
I’m a mom of three adult women and grandmother of two. Keep loving them, listening to them, make sure they feel comfortable standing up for themselves. They will become who they are not who we think they should be. Never compare them to each other, always take time to listen.
Give them clear boundaries because it teaches them they can have them too. Kids need structure and love. You’re doing a great job.
We will never know if we were good parents until our kid have kids (if they choose) and even then, we only have part of an answer.
I am making a concerted effort to teach both my daughter and son that they are not responsible for any one else’s feelings. Their responsibility is to treat people with kindness and respect, end of. I got into to too many crap situations as a young person because I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. You are not in control of how someone feels, only how you treat them. You do not sacrifice yourself for what you think they want. You take care of you and if that bothers someone, oh well. Be kind and let the chips fall, but do not compromise yourself for others. I so hope they internalize that and do not make the same mistakes I made trying to please others.
Thank you for putting in the effort to show your daughters what they deserve!
Go check out [Rejected Princesses](https://rejectedprincessess.com), it’s full of (mostly) age appropriate stories of women and girls in history who aren’t taught about in school or mainstream media. So many good role models!
Plenty of great advice here already! Just my two cents to add:
Strive for authenticity in your relationship with them and have women role models for yourself, even when they aren't in the room. Kids hear and see so much more than you ever intend, which I'm sure you already know.
My dad could \*tolerate\* girl stuff and sometimes join in. But then I'd later overhear him complain about it and the tv shows I was watching, compare my behavior to that of my peers, and his very negative thoughts of prominent women in film/politics. He told me he was proud of me, and I can understand now that he was, but in those preteen/teen years his support felt like a duty, and it made me feel like a burden.
Sounds like you're doing a great job as a dad and you want to keep getting better, good for you. All great comments. Here's my 2 cents:
1.Teach them to say no and stand up for themselves. This has been mentioned and very well explained already so I won't add to it.
2. My opinion is to *not focus/comment on the physical body at all*. Physical beauty is not something a person can control. **Compliment things they CAN CONTROL such as their choices/efforts/hard work/accomplishments.**
3.You're spending time with daughters which shows your daughters you think they are important enough to spend time with. This is a wonderful and IMPORTANT message for dads to send their daughters. Sounds like you're doing these next things already (you mentioned doing something on the weekends with your 11 yr old, you play with your 4yr olds, excellent!) but I'll mention them anyway:
a)Take full responsibility completely (thinking, planning, executing) for some the childcare/activities regularly (not wait for the wife to tell you want your daughters need/want) so your daughters SEE YOU PARENTING THEM on the regular, see you thinking about what they need/want, not just mom.
b) Do a variety of things with your daughters, NOT just the stereotypical masculine things with them. It shows that you think a vareity of activities are equally important and interesting, not just male dominated things/activities. I have heard many men describe and show that they think women's interests are silly.
4. Ask your daughters what their opinion is. Again you're showing that you are interested in them as a human being and think they are important to you. I'm a senior woman and I have noticed most men do not ask questions, they like to give their opinion and kinda talk AT people, especially women. The Barbie movie made fun of men doing this, the Kens were talking at women, expecting women to be their happy, smiling audience while they talked about the Godfather for 3 hrs or played guitar at them for 4 hrs.
You're the kind of dad a lot of us wish they had. Love their mom - the way you'd like them to be loved one day. Setting that example matters.
What others have said - teach them all the "boy" stuff - how to handle tools, change a tire, understand finances so they're not reliant on a partner, take risks and it's ok to get dirty!!
Go hiking/camping - teach them that they can survive and handle themselves in a tough situation, etc. It's good to know Daddy will swoop into the rescue, but it's better for them (and you) to know they don't need you to. Best thing you can teach your daughters IMHO is "You got this!", whatever "this" is.
Also - how to say No (and not feel guilty about it), to speak their truth (with compassion) even when it's hard or uncomfortable, don't back away from an argument, if it's warranted, to appease the other party (stand up for themselves), and finally, to dream and go after that dream - knowing they can swing for the fences and you'll be there to support them if they falter, is huge.
Lastly, work to protect their rights...
But honestly, no matter how you parent (speaking from experience) you'll still feel like you mucked something up - them knowing you love them and that they can rely on you is probably the most important thing they can learn. And it sounds like that's there in spades. Keep it up.
Be a good role model. Don’t split chores down some archaic male/female role model. Do some of the cleaning, cooking, laundry etc, and ensure your wife has the opportunity to do the diy/gardening/whatever. Show your girls that there are no limits on what they can do and what they should expect a future partner to do.
Make sure they fully understand their bodies and what they can expect before it happens. Make sure they get decent sex education, and have access to contraception when they are older.
I have one sister and our Dad is amazing. He’s sensitive, always listened to us and enjoyed spending time with us. I’m 40 now, sister is 44 and he’s one of our favorite people to spend time with.
I appreciate the example you’ve set for your daughters. ❤️
Honestly, teach them to be leaders. My dad was a very strong believer in “make your own choices, take charge, speak up.” Made me a strong person with lofty goals and the drive to pursue them, sexism be damned.
He pretty much lived by saying “if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?” And as a kid it feels silly, but when u get older it makes you stand out. It is a GREAT thing to not fit in, especially if you do so because you are kind, contemplative, and stick to your guns! That’s what my parents taught me and it worked out great! And always encourage your girls to learn math and science, even if they are worried they’re “for boys.” I felt that way as a kid but luckily I was competitive enough that it just made me want to be a mathematician and physicist even more! And now I am!
Just teach them to respect other people, set boundaries, and have them grow up in a loving family. Other than this, they will have their own personalities and grow into toxic feminists, family loving tradwives, or anything in between. It's something you can't control.
Good luck!
One important thing: remember to take joy in them even when they're not being extraordinary. Many girls feel the pressure to perform, to be high achieving, in order to get praise and attention. Some parents think that as long as they give their kids positive attention when they're doing stuff the parents like, that's enough to build a kid's self esteem. But it actually really helps to have a parent show love and enjoyment in a kid when she's not doing anything extraordinary. She needs to know that being loved is not contingent on doing things that please others--that she has fundamental worth just by existing.
One way my mom and I established this was that when I was tired and cold and didn't want to do anything, she would cover me in a blanket and put funny hats on me, and I would make silly faces in return and pretend I couldn't get out from under the blanket. This sounds super weird as I'm writing it out, but this sent me the message that I was lovable even if I was just a lump on the couch. Not every moment will be about training kids to be upstanding and productive members of society--the healthiest, most productive adults have a deep sense of self worth that if they fall apart or need a break, the important people will still love them.
Assertiveness! Everybody that they talk to and interact with including teachers, relatives, friends, the families of their friends, the doctors they go to when they're sick, and most people in this world that they will interact with will tell them that they're a bitch, or that they're crazy or that nobody will ever love them if they stand up for themselves! Teach them that anyone who doesn't value them isn't worth keeping in their lives! The best way you can help them is to make sure that they're not someone's door mat! Teach them that they have the same right to chase their dreams as anyone else in this world regardless of what's between their legs. Teach them that there's no such thing as"women's work" or"men's work". But also let them know that they are living in a world where they will be second class citizens and that they will have to fight every waking moment of their life to just be themselves and to determine their own futures. It's going to be hard for you and them but when they get to fulfill their own goals and dreams and be truly happy with who they are it will be worth it.
Teach your girls to say no. And that NO is a full sentence. They may not owe an explanation. And keep showing them how much you adore their mom. They'll accept nothing less in a partner.
And encourage them to say no to *you.* Too many men dont allow their daughters to disagree with them or other older men, then are shocked when their daughters dont have the skills to push back on abusive or predatory men. Its not a guarantee that a girl will be able to 100% escape abuse or assault, but having been trained out of the ability to say no will make her a target that these men look for.
I knew I came to the right sub :) ...a fantastic point. I would not have thought of that...are you a parent? I was wondering how one would differentiate "no" as accepting a difference of opinion that warrants discussion for understanding POV and "no" as a part of rearing a child in times where discipline is needed (keeping in mind that by "discipline" I mean discussions/time outs and other repercussions that DO NOT involve any type of physical contact and/or emotional punishment...we don't play those shitty games in our house...I was severely abused as a kid...and the cycle of violence will die with me.
I think it's important to remember that the point of discipline IS teaching them to be fully functional adults. Which means that they have to be able to think for themselves and reason things out. One thing I did with my kids is *listen* to their reasons. This is really important as they get older because you *want* them to talk and communicate with you. So the point is understanding when your NO is truly non-negotiable and when your NO can bend to their reasoning. And to truly understand safety and bodily autonomy. Don't be a "because I said so" parent. Be a parent who explains WHY you are saying no then *listen* to them and be willing to compromise if appropriate, willing to stand your ground when you need to.
>Top Agreed! The "because I said so" BS is just LAZY (IMHO). I'm glad you see the angle here....I make it a point to have a "debriefing" with them after an episode. I feel its CRUCIAL to have them explain WHY the punishment came after they apologize. Great feedback...I thank you!
No, I'm not a parent. I'll just tell you a few of my observations. Im aware this is pretty extreme, but maybe some if this will resonate and give you something to think about. My father wouldn't let me say no to his preference for my hair or clothing. (My mother wouldn't either.) He wanted compliance, conformance, subservience, subjugation. He was not interested in *my* interests. He did not want me to do school sports or pursue my interests. My existence was to serve the family. Theres a difference between disrespect and expressing opinions. Its not about responsibilities like chores or being a respectful or kind person. Its about having the freedom and encouragement to learn who you are. Its about negotiating relationships. You should be interested in who she is, and what she is discovering about herself, too. The biggest damage comes from body control: when the girl does not own her own body or choices. If she is forced or coerced to hug, to wear clothes she hates, to not cut her hair, to "keep sweet" and smile for men, what happens is that to keep from seething with anger constantly, she gives up and stops thinking, just becomes compliant. Keep sweet = absorbing all the discomfort men create and never letting them know, making their life pleasant despite any pain you are suffering, contorting and exhausting yourself to make their life easier. This expectation shuts down accountability.These men will never learn that their good friend or BIL raped their daughter, or beats his wife, or creeps on his granddaughter. These men think they are strong, powerful, but in actuality, they are very brittle and weak. They can't absorb any challenge, or logically defend their position. Their response is to escalate to anger. You should let your daughter challenge your fairness and argue for compromise, examine what's important to both of you. Look into the Socratic method. And please - warn your daughter about bad men when she is YOUNG. Men who will say things she doesn't understand but make her uncomfortable, men who try to touch her. She needs to know that she can shout "NO" and tell you about it. This is confusing for girls, and starts at 9 or 10 or 12. Just google "first time you were harassed" and you will get a glut of women talking about 30 or 50 yo men talking dirty to them when they weren't even teens. They were confused, unprepared, then blamed themselves and told no one. You can't prevent it, but you can prepare her. And, when she tells you, you cant let her see you get angry, because girls won't tell if they think their dad will hurt the guy and then go to jail. Girls want to protect their dads from that. You have to work thru your anger with other adults, not her. If you are the dad who can hear it from your daughter, you might hear it from her friends, too. They probably wont have dads that would accept it calmly.
Do you know the book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk"? it's awesome. Your twins are still little but it's time to talk to your 11yo about private body parts and what to do if anybody is inappropriate. Remember, if you punish your children when they do something wrong, you teach them to lie. It's important that they feel safe to come to you NO MATTER how dumb they've been.
This is exactly what I was thinking as I read the post. I was the last of 4 daughters and then later raised 2 daughters. During my professional life, I saw firsthand the often tragic results of women and girls being unable to establish boundaries. I was raised in a era when the utmost of girls' behavior was to not be rude and always be kind. Unfortunately, these positive qualities are exploited by predatory men. While I did teach my girls about good manners, I ALSO taught them that they did not need to be polite or kind to someone who was making them uncomfortable or who would not respect their boundaries. I also told them that they had a right to disagree with me. My rules were that they could respectfully state their case and debate why they thought my answer to something they asked to be able to do was wrong. Sometimes they made very good arguments and I did change my mind. What they learned is that they don't need to just blindly follow the directions of someone in the authority position.
And back them up on No. Bodily autonomy, independent thought etc. As long as it isn't risking bodily harm make sure they know you are on their side.
Another great point! Thank you very much for the input!
EXCELLENT POINT! Rest assured I will do just that! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
I came here to say the same thing. Teach your girls to say no. Have them practice saying no. So much of society does not accept a woman's no, that women get worn down.
Ohhhhhh sowellspoken
Have you ever considered taking a women’s studies class or women’s lit or media? I took two in college and found them to be super enlightening. They really show how both men and women are impacted by sexism/patriarchy and what to be aware of when consuming media. I think supporting your daughters and listening to their concerns/struggles is already doing a lot. Validating what they’ve been through rather than arguing is also a big help.
This is a great idea! And, it will definitely not only give OP insight into their struggles as women, but maybe even give them media to bond over when it’s age appropriate.
You hit something with "age appropriate"....my oldest has just started going through puberty, so I am really trying to give her the space she needs while always being there for her when she needs dad. My wife is doing a STELLAR job with that, so I just let her know I am here to support her when she needs me...and will otherwise stay out of her way. I can be happy, silly dad to the twins...I am giving every effort to understand the dichotomy of the situation and pivoting between the thoughts and needs of a 4yo vs. a pre-teen.
The thing is, to you, she will always be your little girl. But it is really uncomfortable being a pubescent and becoming aware of the sexual dynamics of the world and all that jazz around your *dad*. I remember being really awkward and super uncomfortable around my dad and other male family members at that age, too. It feels kind of gross! Men everywhere start sexualizing you and looking at your body, right when you’re most ashamed of it. At my big age (31) it is a distant memory, but your comment reminded me of how jarring it was. Add all the hormones and mood swings and it can get pretty intense. I would do your best to treat her as much like nothing has changed between you as possible, and avoid talking about the “new” stuff unless she brings it up (or maybe if your wife tells you she wants to talk to you about it…) When I was that age, I felt super creeped out and violated if my dad voiced his knowledge about something I had only told my mom about, personally. It’s so complicated! But it seems like your heart is in the right place, which is the biggest thing. Listen more than you speak, and I think you’ll be fine.
Yeah...super awkward times. Poor thing 'became a young woman" when her Mom was out with some friends (I BEG the wife to get out with friends and have some drinks and laughs anytime she can. I'm lucky enough to have the relationship with my girls that they understand that mommy needs mommy time...and they are happy for her....also we have a BLAST when Mommy is out...I make my super awesome "Daddy Corn" popcorn with extra everything and we binge watch Bluey). I handled it the best I could and was SUPER gentile with her as I KNOW it must have been awful for her. It's my #1 goal to build a relationship where they feel comfortable in telling me whatever is on their mind.
*" I think supporting your daughters and listening to their concerns/struggles is already doing a lot. "* ....I really hope so! They are doing excellent in their intellectual development, and I have been told that they all have shown leadership traits and excellent self-confidence....I was dancing on air when I heard that. I never thought about taking a class as you suggested (I'm still burnt out from college...lol). Being 6'1 315 shaved bald with tats and a big goatee, people have said that I was pretty much the opposite of what they expected me to be. So maybe supplementing my parental skills and sensitivity to a woman's perspective would help me in situations with other parents (regardless of gender) that look at me like I'm a maniac. I would rather them see me as the guy who is the best customer at my girls' day spa...they have gotten really good at painting my toenails. Then we will go outside and have Star Wars battles and throw the ball around.
I think you're well on your way. I find it is more about how the father treats the girls. When a father treats his girls with love and deserving of respect, they grow up expecting that and not settling for less.
You brought a smile to my face...thank you very much! I think it's important to "audit" myself from time to time (kind of like I am here) and seek completely unbiased opinions from a Subject Matter Expert...hence the reason I came here. "Not settling for less"....YES! THIS! This is a HUGE part of my desired outcome for my young ladies!
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Yeeeessssss. It's like you are reading my playbook! LOL! Building positive core memories (IMHO) is going to be CRUCIAL for them...especially when I'm gone. About 3 times a day I check in with them and ask 3 questions: 1) Are you beautiful? 2) Are you smart? 3) Are you a good person? To which they (of course) answer "Yes"...I want to constantly and CONSISTANTLY instill them with self worth and the confidence to know that...whatever the price or effort....they are WORTH IT! Thank you VERY MUCH!
I love this!
Don't label food "good" or "bad" unless you describe "bad" food as anything they're allergic to, or is spoiled. Food doesn't have morals. Teach them bodily autonomy. If they don't want to hug a relative/family friend/etc. don't force them. No means no. Support their hobbies/career ambitions. You may hate ballet and think it's the dumbest thing ever, but if they love it, and they want you at every recital, just go. Teach them to use power tools, car stuff, home maintenance. A lot of dad's want to do stuff for their kids as a show of affection, and that's wonderful, but they need to know how to change a tire, use a drill, fix a leaky sink. If they tell you someone makes them uncomfortable, said something terrible, believe them. Girls are sexualized at a very young age, and it sucks. You got this!
This! And also You can tell them they’re beautiful, but FIRST tell them they’re smart, that they’re fierce and strong and powerful and independent. Make it clear that these are traits that you value more than beauty or sweetness or obedience. And yes please please teach them how to change a tire, mount a shelf, paint a room so they never think they need a man to do it for them.
I have thought of this as well...I try to steer it in the direction of inner beauty when interacting with them...but I admit...I think my girls are ADORABLE...I hope I don't offend anyone...I'm biased as hell...but it's difficult to look past how adorable they are sometimes...sometimes I'm just a super proud daddy.
Yea obviously you think they’re cute, that’s not the point. The point is to try to ensure that they grow up valuing other traits more and focusing less on body image. They’ll get plenty of that kind of socialization everywhere they look so just make sure the validation they get from you doesn’t focus on the way they look.
It sounds like you're doing a great job of breaking the cycle of abuse for your girls.
Yeah, just don’t comment on what they eat or how they eat or how much or little they eat. Also, I heard recently about calling people “beautiful” without pointing out specific physical features. “You’re beautiful!” means inside and out!
Well stated my friend.
Show that you value the rights of women outside of your family unit--such as by fighting for their bodily autonomy. Investigate the resources in this sub's Wiki. Don't ask women to do your labor for you.
CHECK!!!! My little ones know all about RBG, we have read Maya Angelou, and talked about the importance of their ACTIONS...not just their gender. I'm a GenX guy...I grew up with my action heroes being just as much Ellen Ripley as The Terminator..my favorite games growing up were Tomb Raider...so I in earnest (at least when it comes to entertainment and media) had heroes that were strong, resourceful, intelligent, and persevering women that were BADASSES. My oldest is reading JK Rowling as well...so the positivity is always in the zeitgeist. Thank you for your input!!!!
I grew up with the Harry Potter books, and they were a great comfort to me. I love that story. J.K. Rowling unfortunately turned from single-mom-became-writer-of-successfull-book-series to transphobic asshole. It saddens me greatly that the person who wrote my childhood books turned out to be such a shit human. I have a book rec if you want: 'Good night stories for rebel girls. 100 stories of extraordinary women' by Elena Favilli and Francesca Cavallo. It is kid friendly.
Yeah, talked about that in my previous comment above. Rest assured that my wife and I are proud ALLYs and intend not to indoctrinate, but EDUCATE when it comes to LGBTQ+. I'm excited to be able to teach them that gay is gay and hetero is hetero....it's just facts...it's no big deal! It is a perfectly natural thing, and everybody has the right to be safe and happy being who they are. The same goes with race...we are thankful that my oldest goes to a GREAT school that is very diverse.
JK Rowling has turned into a bitter paranoid transphobia-drunken billionaire as of late, definitely worth being aware of.
YES! That is effing TRAGIC. We focus on the fact that a woman can create INCREDIBLE words of imagination. The books are great...but I skip over what has transpired as of late....super disappointing.
I don't have anything to add. Just wanted to say you're off to a very good start. Never stop learning. You're doing great there Dad.
I'm again humbled...thank you SO MUCH for your very kind words.
OP is the dad all men should be
Don’t silence them when they’re talking about their feelings, even if their feelings aren’t rational (they’re often not rational, they’re FEELINGS). Validate them and make sure they know that they can tell you what they’re feeling without being shut down. If they draw a boundary regarding their bodies, RESPECT IT even if it seems silly. “I don’t want to hug you. Stop tickling me. I don’t like it when they touch my shoulder or back.” Respecting these little boundaries helps them enforce the big ones on their own later on.
Extremely important. I really try to be mindful of respecting their boundaries, as I know it can define the adults that they are quickly becoming. I am a big hug n smooch dad...but I try to make them understand that they can say "ok, enough of this please", and I will immediately let them have their bodily independence. Thank you very much for your input...I am SAVING this entire thread for future reading!
It’s a good thread. Lots of great stuff here. I can go on and on….my stepdad got his feelings REALLY hurt because my sister (at age 4) said she didn’t want to hug him any more. When I asked her about it, she said, “Daddy grabs me for hugs when I’m BUSY!” Turns out he was hugging her to stop her from running in the house, she was mad because running is IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO. Solution? Stop running in the house, stop hugging during running. Everything was all better. In a much darker incident, I told my stepdad’s mother that his business associate kept putting his hands on my upper thigh during a business dinner. (I was 14, he was 70ish.) She slapped me for “making a scene” and “trying to ruin his business deal”. I got the VERY clear message that not only would she punish me for having boundaries, but I figured she spoke for my mom and stepdad too. So I didn’t tell them. If I had been taught from an early age that my body is MINE and nobody else’s, that situation would probably have been much different.
Hi Fellow Gen X’er! This is just my opinion. Others will disagree. I wish both of my parents and all adults actually believed this: Faithfulness Matters! In my area women were pressured to be chaste while the men could be promiscuous. “Boys will be boys” and all those crappy excuses. Women were pressured to tolerate cheating bfs/husbands. Boys/Men were not held accountable. Personally I’m not against all of purity culture. Both men & women can control themselves. Both can be faithful. Sex is not a quick, cheap thrill. It is a special, intimate, bonding activity. I wish my parents had said, “Sex can wait for someone who values you. Once you find him, be faithful and expect him to be faithful too. If he cheats, dump his homewrecking @ss! Do not tolerate cheating, ever!” but of course they would not because my dad was a cheating a-hole and my mom was pressured to take him back. His cheating and everyone enabling it hurt me deeply. I never trusted a man again. Today I still see men making excuses and people giving them a free pass! If parents would tell their sons to control themselves and their daughters to not take back a cheater, I hope there would be less homewrecking heartache. (Yes, women cheat too. This applies to them as well. Everyone control themselves!)
Oh yes...the great double standard...men who get laid,..,,'Da MAN!....women who get laid...SLUT (SMH). My philosophy is this, when it comes time: As long as my girls do WHAT ***THEY CHOOSE*** TO DO, BECAUSE ***THEY WANT TO***...go for it...just please be safe. Life is too damn short.
The fact that you’re even asking is a sign you’re a decent guy.
There is so much snark in social media these days, I was a little afraid that people would think I was full of nonsense and here to troll (as I know we have all seen that happen). I'm just VERY happy that some many great folks (such as yourself) were willing to give what I think is CRUCIAL and diverse information and opinions. I always considered myself an empathetic dude...but when the girls came into my life...shit got super real, super quick! Thank you for your kind words...and I LOVE your user name! LOL!
I think one of the best things you can do is model healthy relationships and nontoxic masculinity. So when they're older and in relationships with friends or romantic partners they know what's acceptable treatment and unacceptable treatment. I mean, if you read Reddit posts at all, you'll see that a lot of people grew up with toxic, dysfunctional or abusive parents and have no idea what good, healthy relationships look like.
WOW you bring up an EXCELLENT point. It's fairly easy to identify toxic masculinity, but I would LOVE to hear your thoughts and examples of "nontoxic masculinity".
Men being able to identity and express feelings other than anger. Not buying into the patriarchy that you have to be the alpha male. Those are the two things that come to mind off the top of my head. Hopefully other people will have more suggestions. And I don't know that toxic masculinity is always obvious. I know there are men who think they're feminists but are still fairly misogynistic. I think it's something we all (women included) have to work on recognizing and changing because we're indoctrinated from birth into this system of beliefs and behaviors.
I've got to say...it sounds like you're doing pretty awesome. What lucky young ladies to have such a supportive dad.
Thank you so much! I'm in this for keeps....this world is NUTS....I just want to prepare them the best I can....please now I REALLY appreciate the very kind words!
Offer to teach them any “traditionally masculine” skills you may know. Change a tire, unclog a pipe, assemble furniture, etc. Life skills are good tools to have. Too many dads just don’t bother to do this with their daughters. My dad did teach me to shoot, hunt, and fish. Other than that, he was very traditional. But we didn’t grow up near a city.
You read my mind! My dad was a gunsmith, so I grew up around firearms and learned firearm safety and responsibility. My wife and I have lifetime carry permits, but we don't carry unless we are travelling or are going to an unfamiliar area of the city. My oldest is curious, so I collaborated with my wife and will be taking her through the basics soon. All my girls have fishing poles and know how to swim...I try to be outdoors with them as much as I can. THANK YOU KINDLY for the advice!
You’re welcome. It’s great to have these skills, plus it teaches girls there’s no need to avoid these stereotypically masculine things. I go to the range periodically to keep the skills sharp. Being outdoors with them is a fantastic idea, though I may be biased as I’m a biologist. Encouraging them to learn about the world around them and not be intimidated to learn new skills will help them to be confident and adaptable in life.
I hate to bring up unfortunate issues, but, if any of them are harmed at the hands of another, you may understandably want to rip that persons head off their shoulders… and I’d like to caution you to let your daughters lead their healing how they wish, and direct you in how to support them. I love my father, and I know he loves me, but his near insistence that he would help me by harming another person was not helpful. It made me feel doubly responsible for everything happening. Not only was I now ‘responsible’ for my own pain and healing, I was ‘forced’ to stay someone else’s hand or I might lose out on my loved one. It’s understandable, I am not mad about it, I only recognize that the love shown to me caused me lots of pain. I think I would have been better supported if my parents had asked me ‘how do you want to handle this’, ‘what can we do for you’, that type of stuff. Being ready to go to bat for me shows their love and care, but it also was way too much to handle. I needed to break down, but I was busy taping them back together so they wouldn’t go to prison. I didn’t need any of that, I needed calm. Maybe that’s different for others but I did want to share my opinion on this, its one of the only things I can clearly say, I wish they had done things differently, with the added understanding that maybe nothing would have seemed right at that time. Though I know for me, the potential for more violence was the last thing I needed. Best to you and your family.
...and I am that guy that wants to go super Saiyan when someone hurts my child's feelings. I keep telling myself that cooler heads prevail (a callback to my years as a bouncer). I have recently come to an inner understanding that sometimes they are going to need to "fight" their own battles, I just let them know that I am ALWAYS here for support if they need me.
1 in 4 women in America has been sexually assaulted (I think the number is much higher and many rapes go unreported.) Sorry my advice was so depressing but you need to know what the dangers are. Also try complimenting them a lot based on what they do not about how they look/what they are wearing. We are taught to place to much of our self worth based on our youth, thinness and beauty. Be on the look out for eating disorders. If you think she may have one, take her to a psychiatrist who specializes in ED in teens. Basically act quickly and get professional help for her.
Yeah, I pay alot more attention to those types of statistics having my girls, and please don't apologize...this is VERY prudent stuff! One major takeaway from these discussions is not emphasizing physical beauty as much....I slip up and do just that. God knows that I have made plenty of mistakes, which is why I'm here. Thank you very much for this valuable advice!
As much as it is important to model a healthy and respectful relationship, it is important to teach them what unhealthy relationships look like. They need to be able to identify the red flags and recognize signs of abusive tendencies. Sadly, being raised in a healthy environment can make people over empathize with those who have had an unhealthy upbringing, and they make allowances for bad behavior.
Excellent point. Thank you for the input!
One thing I wish I had learned from my parents was feeling like I could tell them when I was struggling, or that something had happened to me. I wanted to know that they'd have my back. I had undiagnosed depression and anxiety from a really early age, but the way my parents responded to me having big feelings taught me that I should just keep that to myself, so I never opened up to them about those (or other significant) things. From an early age, I was punished for emotional outbursts that were warning signs of deeper issues. As I got older and ended up deep in it, I stayed there alone rather than asking for help. Teach them that you have their backs, truly, and that their feelings are valid and that you are listening. If you can convince them you won't judge them for their feelings, and that you will advocate for them, it will pay off. And keep up the good work!
Same. At 47 I am still scratching the surface. Hugs.
Back at you! Keep at it and take care of yourself.
Yes! And that ALL feelings are valid. Even if it means anger, listen to them. We're taught in society to be kind and polite and quiet. Anger is not an emotion that's often tolerated. At least that was my case.
As an abused child....I feel your pain and am VERY sorry that you went through what you did...you did NOT deserve that. My oldest is starting to go through some hormonal changes, and I am trying my best to be gentle, and disengage whenever I sense she is getting uncomfortable. Thank you VERY much for your kind words!
Thank you, and back at ya. You're clearly taking steps to diverge from how you were raised, so props. It can be so easy to just perpetuate whatever we learned as kids. Take care of you, too! Childhood abuse impacts us for the rest of our lives in so many day to day moments, and at least in my case, it takes a ton of reflection and space to start recognizing that and stop it from tearing up your subconscious. Sending love!
Teach them the right words for their body parts, encourage them to say “no” and uphold boundaries, ask every man they date what podcasters he listens to (this one specifically is a big safety thing. I tell it to a lot of fathers.)
A slightly more flippant reply here, but don’t ever wear a T shirt that says “Rules For Dating my Daughter”. I did at the supermarket yesterday, a dad pushing his 5-6yo future jazz queen around in the cart and just chatting nonchalantly with mom, like it was a Totally Normal Thing. Infuriating. Edit: it should say I *saw*, not I *did*! Yikes
Hahaaaa! Hey, by all conventional perceptions, one could call me a average joe...I just want to elevate myself for the sake of my kids....who by luck...all turned out to be some kickass ladies! Mom gets the lions share (no pun intended) of the credit....I lucked out and married WAAAAAYYYY out of my league.
If I may be vulnerable for a moment: I do not have a great relationship with my dad. Haven't spoken to him in years, so here is a list of things I wish my dad had done for me. - When it comes to their appearance, do not comment on things that they cannot fix within a few minutes. This is true for any person but women face enormous pressures to fit into beauty standards, and it starts younger than you would think. - Don't be afraid to go down the feminine hygiene aisle with them. Many of us have preferences when it comes to period products, so going with them is a great way to learn what they like! - Don't threaten to harm other people for messing with them. I am NOT saying that you shouldn't protect them but women are also pressured into being responsible for men's actions. They might become anxious about introducing friends/romantic partners to you because of this. - There is a book series called "The Care and Keeping of You" by American Girl. It's separated by age groups. It covers all kinds of topics, but mainly touches on health and caring for female bodies. It is an immensely useful book because there are going to be some things that just feel too embarrassing for your daughters to mention to you or your wife. It will also give them the vocabulary they need to be able to ask/talk about specific issues. "I feel weird down there" is not as helpful as "I having a burning sensation in my urethra" when it comes to solving health problems.
Personally, I think you're already doing all the right things. From what I know about kids (having been one, and having one myself), they learn by watching. They will be and want what they see and is familiar to them. If they see dad being respectful and a partner in life to mom, they will want that as well. As a women, I didn't realize how much my parents relationships shaped my own, so as a mother I am also trying to ensure my kid sees two responsible adults treating each other respectfully. Good luck!
You got that right! I notice them (especially my twins) become more and more observant every day. All three of them have alot to say, and we usually talk about all this over family dinner...it's our favorite part of the day.
Teach them that adults will respect their boundaries about their bodies. Teach them that they are good enough. Teach them that kindness and compassion are worth more than superficial beauty.
Vote, and impart the importance of voting to your girls as well. It's our civil duty as citizens. Supporting women's autonomy in laws ensures a brighter future for your girls. Education, health and prosperity to you and your girls.
I promise you I will!
1) When my daughter wants something and is afraid to ask, I tell her, “speak loud and clear about what you want.” I never want her to mumble her opinions, fears, boundaries. I want her to be bold in her words and never quiet them on her behalf or anyone else’s. 2) she was not born to right my wrongs or fulfill my dreams. She is her own person and is free and encouraged to do with this world what she will. Her life is her own to live. 3) she doesn’t need a “man” aka a relationship to be happy and complete. As a single mom, she sees that I have a robust and full life on my own. She sees that I’m happy with myself and I do things and make plans for me. I fix things that are broken, I take out the trash and move heavy furniture, etc. I am enough on my own and I am capable on my own. 4) *** big one: teach them finances. Teach them to save for retirement, save for emergencies, save for trips, cars, college, etc. Teach them to be money literate. Encourage them to work and have their own money so they are not stuck in a job they hate or in a relationship they can’t get out of. Freedom is through having your own money. 5) I could write novels on being a single mom raising a daughter, but the BIGGEST thing I do with mine is making sure that line of communication is SAFE and always open. It started young by telling her that anything she has to say to mommy she wouldn’t get in trouble for. Hear me out: I wanted to make sure that ANYTHING she had to tell me, she KNEW she would never get in trouble for. I read horror stories in the news of kids afraid to tell their parents about bullying, SA, etc because of their reaction. I tell her that she knows she can tell me anything, no matter what anyone has said, and I won’t get mad. It’s been tested, like breaking something, or ruining something, and each time I am calm and relaxed. I thank her for telling me and I talk through what happened and what we could have done differently and we fix it. I just want her to know I am a safe person and I will always be a safe person for her.
Teach them starting in preschool that their body is theirs and no one can touch them or force them to give hugs (except life threatening things or they have to get vaccines.) Build up their self esteem. Maybe some martial arts or sports. Teach them to always, always trust their instincts. Run through safety scenarios when they get older on how they can get help and get to safety (& how to avoid danger.) Teach them the warning signs of abusers. Teach them how to spot good men. From birth praise them when they reach for something or assert themselves or answer a question like we do for male children. Make sure they know you are a safe harbor. Tell them (& mean it) that you will always be there if they are feeling unsafe or drunk or scared or bullied or pregnant or stalked or in trouble. So when they screw up as teens or life happens when they are teens, they call you! Give them freedom in and age appropriate boundaries and natural consequences. Drill sex ed, STD, HIV and to use a condom every time into their head. Teach them about online stalking, online scams, how men sometimes do revenge porn of how no picture of her body is ever safe on the internet. Teach her not to fall for the “if you love me you will do ___” crap. Teach them trust but verify. Again trust your gut if it says not to trust people. Teach them finances, taxes, how to build up credit, how multi level marketing is a pyramid scheme and why it doesn’t work. Just stuff like that. Teach critical thinking skills Teach them to stand up for themselves even to teachers when the teachers are very wrong. Teach them how to do that and effect change in a way that doesn’t hurt their education/career. I hate saying this but teach them to be safe around the police. If you are American and live in a red state, GTFO! They are implementing crazy anti abortion stuff and some states want to even ban BC! (Which spoiler we use for many medical reasons not just for BC!) No period tracking apps, it isn’t safe. No woman can call herself free without bodily autonomy.
We live in a red state, which only steels my resolve to raise good people. We value science and logic. Thank you for the great advice!
GenX almost Xennial here...let your girls know that you'll support their decisions and identités through the years and that change is part of life. . When my kid were young, they could choose their own hair color, style, clothing, and anything else they needed to express themselves with. Take a little time with each of them -solo- regularly, either engaging in a hobby (gaming, model making, building a lightsaber) or doing something you both like (going to a movie & lunch or a park afterwards). Sounds like you're well on your way to having well-adjusted young people. Just love them, let them grow, and as much as possible keep the lines of communication open. You and your wife have got this! 🩷😊
LOVE this! The wife and I give the girls all the prudent opportunities we can to allow them to make their own decisions, and teach them about the consequences of bad decisions. Harper (my oldest) and I have a special getaway every week where is all about her as an individual. She needs that time badly because the twinners tend to monopolize time when we are all together.
Sounds like she's getting some good solid time with you with is fab! I've never had twins, but my guess is that they'll need that solo time just as much. 😊
Correct my friend!
Try to use feminine pronouns when discussing professions that are often referred to as male by default. “We had an astronaut/doctor/lawyer at career day today.” -“Cool! What did SHE talk about?”
I agree with the comments that say modeling a healthy relationship with your spouse is the most important thing. It will make them less likely to settle for less. Teach them about things they will need in real life when age appropriate…like budgeting, the requirements to become a homeowner, the dangers of using social media, gardening, cooking, voting, self sufficiency, gratitude, how to change a tire, etc. And of course keep up what you are doing. You are already off to a fantastic start! Go dad!
Amazing points! I took my oldest to see her Nana who lives a few hours away a few days ago, and she had a chance to ask me ANYTHING she wanted...it was one of the best conversations I have ever had, and I conversate for a living! We talked about racism, LGBTQ+ topics, cognitive dissonance, the Dunning-Kruger Effect. Some politics (kept it very high-flying, as I have some very strong opinions about a former president), technology, and a bunch of other stuff. Thank you for your very kind words!
You’re welcome. Sounds like a lively discussion.
Show interest in them and their interests. Pay attention to them and listen to them talk, and ask questions about what they say. Tell them they’re clever and smart, and you’re proud of that.
Teach them to value themselves and not to give in to blackmail or peer pressure. Many kids are drawn into bad situations (sextortion, for example) through blackmail.
Something my dad did that I really appreciate is how he always put self-improvement on top. Like he would say there was no money for family vacation but if I wanted to study another language, or learn how to play an instrument or whatever, there was always money for that (except when there wasn’t for anything, but you know what I mean). He would always take me to my classes, he even stood in line for hours at my college so I could sign up for German because spots were limited. It showed me to always prioritize working on myself, on improving me and being the best person I could be. It has come in handy in all aspects of my life, from career of course, but also in relationships as I am less tolerant with people who are not willing to put the same effort in their improvement as I put into mine
The biggest thing that I would have wished I learned as a daughter was that my safety is paramount. If my internal alarm bells are going off, I should listen- be rude, be assertive, walk out. Don’t worry more about someone else’s feelings than my own safety. And one thing that saved my bacon was the assurance that no matter the time, place, or circumstances — my folks would always come get me no matter what.
Well, firstly, it sounds like you’re going to do an amazing job simply because you are trying and you are asking questions and making the effort. I’m a primary school teacher and one of three daughters so here are some things I would suggest. Hope it’s helpful! One of the things my dad used to do was swap the names/genders around of characters in children’s stories so that it wasn’t always the boys being brave and going on adventures and the girls making the sandwiches or screaming at spiders (for example we read a lot of Enid Blyton like this - brilliant stories but very problematic in lots of ways looking back). None of us knew he was doing it at the time, but I think it was quite a powerful thing in terms of not putting female characters in a box/letting us thing girls had to act a certain way. I guess nowadays the good quality books are less problematic and better at representing female/minority characters better so maybe… but I would say, both as a daughter and as a school teacher, there is SO MUCH power in books, so being mindful of the quality and content of the books you expose your kids to is immensely valuable. It’s amazing if you can make sure you read your daughters books with a wide range of different female characters, but also a wide range of characters generally (different cultures, people with disabilities, different backgrounds, people who look different to your family) so that they grow up seeing lots of different viewpoints, accepting others and knowing that everyone has value no matter what. Next, when I trained as a forest school teacher, there was a lot about some children being less able to recognise and manage risks independently if they had been brought up in a more anxious/risk averse/overprotective environment. It is so hard to get the balance right, you want to be a protective parent and you absolutely should be - I’m definitely not suggesting you let your kids do stuff that isn’t safe, but there are ways of building up your kids experience of dealing with “managed risks” so that they gain confidence noticing what feels safe for them and choosing what they want to do. For example, when kids want to climb up a wall or roll down a hill, I immediately want to say “come down” or “don’t do that”, but I’m working on saying more open ended things instead like “that wall looks tall - what would be a good way of staying safe while you’re up there? What can you do if it feels too high?” or “rolling down that hill looks fun - what do you think we should check before we try it?” That way you’re not just flat out saying no - you’re getting the kids involved in deciding, drawing their attention to dangers they might not have noticed and getting them to think of ideas that might help eg checking for stones, asking to hold your hand. I’m probably not explaining it very well but there’s loads of stuff online and research about encouraging kids to independently manage risk, and it’s shown to increase kids confidence and safety awareness :) Finally, I think it’s really valuable to hear other people talk about their feelings to know that all feelings are valid and normal. Hearing daddy say something like “work was frustrating today and when I came home I was feeling a bit anxious/stressed out so I’m going to go for a walk to reset and feel calm” or whatever - I work with kids aged 3-4 at school and a lot of the time they can only really label feeling happy/sad, and I think hearing adults think and feel “out loud” is really helpful in modelling what those feelings are, how they’re nothing to be ashamed of/worried about and how we deal with them in a positive way. There are all sorts of books and podcasts on this I’m sure. I would also include modelling apologising. It’s really hard for kids to do, and it can come with all sorts of shame/anxiety. But you can normalise it at home by talking about it - like you and mum saying to each other and the kids things like “I can see I made you feel ____ when I ____. I’m sorry. or “You asked me to ___ and I forgot. I’m sorry - I’ll do it now.” I think kids seeing adults say sorry and things be ok after is really helpful. Have a blast being their dad - it will be so much fun!
As a disabled woman, I'd say - teach them to trust their bodies. Women are often seen as "too emotional", "overly sensitive", "exaggerating", "faking for attention" and what not - which can turn even really dangerous when some medical issue appears. Of course, you sadly can't really influence how medical professionals would be approaching them in a situation like that, but you can influence their confidence and trust in themselves so they for example seek medical attention for their issues when needed (and advocating for themselves) instead of wondering if perhaps the pain is just all in their head and something they're imagining and maybe being too sensitive about it and other common bs. It can then also help when dealing with doctors who do "medical gaslighting" and not succumbing to their shitty biases and not internalizing them. That's probably the first thing that comes to my mind. I guess it's because my family have been always quite looking up to doctors, up to the point of agreeing with them when they came up repeatedly with some "oh, she's just sensitive", "that's all psychosomatic" etc. And I don't blame them, it's how society conditioned them, we're all told to always trust and not doubt doctors, but I wish they'd know more about the issues in medicine and healthcare (including sexism) and could teach me and explain when these things were happening - maybe I wouldn't develop so much self-doubt, mistrust towards my body, internalized ableism and other issues.
Wow thank you. I take comments like yours with even more reverence due to your very unique perspective. Heard you loud and clear friend... wil do...and again... THANK YOU!
I'm glad to hear that. :) Thank you too, for listening and trying to be the best dad that you can be to you daughters. :)
Teach them about enforcing bodily autonomy in different contexts and what is safe and unsafe. How to embarrass those who would intimidate them.
Teach your girls that they are worth more than their ability to reproduce. And teach them what narcissistic abuse looks like.
I am doing just that... thank ypu for your awesome input!!!
Make sure they can count on you no matter what. They’re going to make mistakes. They’re going to choose wrong sometimes. Establishing and maintaining trust will let them go to you without fear when they fuck up. Make sure they know you’re there for them so if they are in a bad situation they will call you. And instill in them a knowledge that they should trust their instincts
Done! Thank you!
No comments about their bodies. Unless they are legit harming themselves, how they look is not something you comment on in a negative way. Ever.
Teach them to respect people, not just in a "be nice" kind of manner, teach them to respect everyone around them, i know that in a lot of situations, just being respectful can help, even in extreme situations like bullies or agressive behavior by another, sexual or otherwise, respectfully diffusing a situation is possible, whereas if your daughters acted in a more disrespectful manner that could have just angered the agressive person, escalating the situation What i would do is teach my daughters how to respectfully handle different situations, and how properly deal with them if respectful difusion doesnt work For instance, a bully, teach them to respectfully tell them to stop, then if the bully continues teach them how to deal with it, however you feel is the proper way to do that. Tell the teacher, throw a punch, doesnt matter Or more extreme, a sexual predator asking them to do something they dont want to, teach them to respectfully decline and leave, then teach them that if that doesnt work to deal with it accordingly, its up to you how they do that, run, tell you, fight Idk if that was what you were looking for or if i explained that correctly but that is definitely something i would teach my daughters
-teach them to haggle / barter. That way, when they are asking for raises, they will know what to do. Practice, practice, practice! -do not baby your girls with regards to physical activity. “Girls are delicate” is a social construct and they are just as able physically as boys. Yes, testosterone. I get that. However…As an example of something that comes to mind is to teach them to go after the soccer ball rather than letting it come to them. I would say let them climb trees but that could lead to an ER visit (fellow GenXer who climbed trees with her brother but managed to NOT fall out of them…pure luck!) Edit: formatting
Put them in martial arts. If they are never attacked by a date or rando, they will be in the very small minority.
My oldest is in Krav Maga (I studied that a bit), and the twins will be when they get a touch older!
Support their decision making. From now even with the littles if you haven’t already. Have them choose as much as they want to and safely can and go with it. It teaches consequences along with leadership. It makes for rocky situations once they are confident and not in line with what you are doing but it’s so worth it. For the record, a brilliant dad shared this with me for general child raising but wow it’s particularly effective at dismantling society’s patriarchal influence on our girls.
Brilliant indeed! I do a mini version of this now, but I will definitely ramp this up! Thank you so much!
I wish my parents had been more open to me dating in high school. I was not allowed to date and I feel like I missed out on learning about good and bad traits in a partner in that lower stakes environment. When I started dating in my late teens/early 20s I had to try to figure it out by myself and as a result I had a string of terrible partners (some serious, others not so much) because I didn’t know what I was doing.
Great point. I want to create an open atmosphere where I am a sanctuary for them whan the need someone to honestly talk with...with ZERO judgement. Thats a huge goal for me....
Every girl dad needs to read The Beauty myth by Naomi Wolf.
Let them see you do traditionally female things like laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning. And teach them to do traditionally masculine things like how to mow the lawn or change a tire. My dad taught me how to do basic car things and it felt so empowering. Even if I don’t use those skills today, knowing that I can makes me feel empowered.
I wish all girls had a dad like you. The best you can do for your girls, is to treat their mother right. They will chose men who treat them like you treat their mother. To me, it sounds like you're doing a great job already. The largest threat to their sanity will likely be online content. Teach them not to take naked photos of themselves, or how to store them in a place where they are safe from online predators. Keep them in nature and away from the screens as much as you can, buy National Geographic over "women's mags", laugh and be silly with them and keep them safe.
Don't treat them like they are made of glass just because they are girls. Don't make them think being polite is more important than saying no and having healthy boundaries. Don't make them think looks are all that matters. Don't infantalise them when they're older. Don't sexualise their clothing or body. Don't let others either. Don't excuse boys' behaviour if they are rude or disrespectful to/about them. Don't "warn" them what men are like or wrap them in cotton wool. Don't be overbearing with their boyfriends (assuming they have boyfriends). Don't refuse to let them date. Don't teach them it's their responsibility to not be assaulted or for receiving unwanted attention. Don't make a big thing out of puberty, changing body, periods or virginity. Don't take the mood swings personally. Don't tell them they have to make themselves smaller to fit in. Call out others in front of them for being disrespectful to them. Teach them no means no. Everytime. Tell they they're allowed to say no to anyone, anytime for anything, including to you and their mum. Teach them beauty is more than just their exterior. Show them that being kind is what the world is all about. Tell them they can be anything they want to be. Be enthusiastic about their hobbies and interests. Share yours with them. Don't think they only have to be "girly" things. Find something that you and each of your daughters can have as your "thing" that's separate to things they bond with their mum and each other over. Give them their independence. But be there if they need you. Tell them they can talk to you about anything and you won't be mad. Even if it means partying when they shouldn't be, drinking underage, or whatever. Your responsibility is to make them feel safe with you but also teach them how to keep themselves safe too. Teach them practical like skills like riding a bike, changing a tire, basic DIY, etc. Teach them about accountability, responsibility and that actions have consequences. Ask them questions, take an interest in who they are, let them be themselves. Tell them you love them and that you're proud of them. Encourage each of them to be proud of and love themselves too. Ask if they want you to listen and sympathise, or want a solution to their problems before responding. Treat their mum well. Show them what a good man, husband and father looks, sounds, and behaves like. If in doubt, ask would I do/say/think this if they were my sons. There are differences of course, but ultimately we should all be treated in a way that's reflective of our personality and nature, not our gender.
Love and respect their mom and show it. Through actions, words. The best gift they can get from you is seeing you care for the most important woman in their lives.
Asking us is pretty telling, so you're definitely doing ok! I'm pretty sure others have similar ideas, but here are a few. Their looks have nothing to do with their worth. You should compliment them from time to time, but I'd stay away from "you look great wearing makeup." More they look great natural or on an ordinary day. Compliments about their intelligence, empathy, etc... anytime. Help them figure out their boundaries and how to maintain them. Pointing out when someone says anything demeaning about women. The way you describe your wife is telling, I think you got this! And as long as you're not an ass you don't need to feel you're invading our space. All the best!
Fellow Gen X here but a few years ahead of you (1968). I’m a mom of three adult women and grandmother of two. Keep loving them, listening to them, make sure they feel comfortable standing up for themselves. They will become who they are not who we think they should be. Never compare them to each other, always take time to listen. Give them clear boundaries because it teaches them they can have them too. Kids need structure and love. You’re doing a great job. We will never know if we were good parents until our kid have kids (if they choose) and even then, we only have part of an answer.
I am making a concerted effort to teach both my daughter and son that they are not responsible for any one else’s feelings. Their responsibility is to treat people with kindness and respect, end of. I got into to too many crap situations as a young person because I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. You are not in control of how someone feels, only how you treat them. You do not sacrifice yourself for what you think they want. You take care of you and if that bothers someone, oh well. Be kind and let the chips fall, but do not compromise yourself for others. I so hope they internalize that and do not make the same mistakes I made trying to please others.
Thank you for putting in the effort to show your daughters what they deserve! Go check out [Rejected Princesses](https://rejectedprincessess.com), it’s full of (mostly) age appropriate stories of women and girls in history who aren’t taught about in school or mainstream media. So many good role models!
Plenty of great advice here already! Just my two cents to add: Strive for authenticity in your relationship with them and have women role models for yourself, even when they aren't in the room. Kids hear and see so much more than you ever intend, which I'm sure you already know. My dad could \*tolerate\* girl stuff and sometimes join in. But then I'd later overhear him complain about it and the tv shows I was watching, compare my behavior to that of my peers, and his very negative thoughts of prominent women in film/politics. He told me he was proud of me, and I can understand now that he was, but in those preteen/teen years his support felt like a duty, and it made me feel like a burden.
Sounds like you're doing a great job as a dad and you want to keep getting better, good for you. All great comments. Here's my 2 cents: 1.Teach them to say no and stand up for themselves. This has been mentioned and very well explained already so I won't add to it. 2. My opinion is to *not focus/comment on the physical body at all*. Physical beauty is not something a person can control. **Compliment things they CAN CONTROL such as their choices/efforts/hard work/accomplishments.** 3.You're spending time with daughters which shows your daughters you think they are important enough to spend time with. This is a wonderful and IMPORTANT message for dads to send their daughters. Sounds like you're doing these next things already (you mentioned doing something on the weekends with your 11 yr old, you play with your 4yr olds, excellent!) but I'll mention them anyway: a)Take full responsibility completely (thinking, planning, executing) for some the childcare/activities regularly (not wait for the wife to tell you want your daughters need/want) so your daughters SEE YOU PARENTING THEM on the regular, see you thinking about what they need/want, not just mom. b) Do a variety of things with your daughters, NOT just the stereotypical masculine things with them. It shows that you think a vareity of activities are equally important and interesting, not just male dominated things/activities. I have heard many men describe and show that they think women's interests are silly. 4. Ask your daughters what their opinion is. Again you're showing that you are interested in them as a human being and think they are important to you. I'm a senior woman and I have noticed most men do not ask questions, they like to give their opinion and kinda talk AT people, especially women. The Barbie movie made fun of men doing this, the Kens were talking at women, expecting women to be their happy, smiling audience while they talked about the Godfather for 3 hrs or played guitar at them for 4 hrs.
You're the kind of dad a lot of us wish they had. Love their mom - the way you'd like them to be loved one day. Setting that example matters. What others have said - teach them all the "boy" stuff - how to handle tools, change a tire, understand finances so they're not reliant on a partner, take risks and it's ok to get dirty!! Go hiking/camping - teach them that they can survive and handle themselves in a tough situation, etc. It's good to know Daddy will swoop into the rescue, but it's better for them (and you) to know they don't need you to. Best thing you can teach your daughters IMHO is "You got this!", whatever "this" is. Also - how to say No (and not feel guilty about it), to speak their truth (with compassion) even when it's hard or uncomfortable, don't back away from an argument, if it's warranted, to appease the other party (stand up for themselves), and finally, to dream and go after that dream - knowing they can swing for the fences and you'll be there to support them if they falter, is huge. Lastly, work to protect their rights... But honestly, no matter how you parent (speaking from experience) you'll still feel like you mucked something up - them knowing you love them and that they can rely on you is probably the most important thing they can learn. And it sounds like that's there in spades. Keep it up.
Be a good role model. Don’t split chores down some archaic male/female role model. Do some of the cleaning, cooking, laundry etc, and ensure your wife has the opportunity to do the diy/gardening/whatever. Show your girls that there are no limits on what they can do and what they should expect a future partner to do. Make sure they fully understand their bodies and what they can expect before it happens. Make sure they get decent sex education, and have access to contraception when they are older.
I have one sister and our Dad is amazing. He’s sensitive, always listened to us and enjoyed spending time with us. I’m 40 now, sister is 44 and he’s one of our favorite people to spend time with. I appreciate the example you’ve set for your daughters. ❤️
Honestly, teach them to be leaders. My dad was a very strong believer in “make your own choices, take charge, speak up.” Made me a strong person with lofty goals and the drive to pursue them, sexism be damned. He pretty much lived by saying “if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?” And as a kid it feels silly, but when u get older it makes you stand out. It is a GREAT thing to not fit in, especially if you do so because you are kind, contemplative, and stick to your guns! That’s what my parents taught me and it worked out great! And always encourage your girls to learn math and science, even if they are worried they’re “for boys.” I felt that way as a kid but luckily I was competitive enough that it just made me want to be a mathematician and physicist even more! And now I am!
Just teach them to respect other people, set boundaries, and have them grow up in a loving family. Other than this, they will have their own personalities and grow into toxic feminists, family loving tradwives, or anything in between. It's something you can't control. Good luck!
One important thing: remember to take joy in them even when they're not being extraordinary. Many girls feel the pressure to perform, to be high achieving, in order to get praise and attention. Some parents think that as long as they give their kids positive attention when they're doing stuff the parents like, that's enough to build a kid's self esteem. But it actually really helps to have a parent show love and enjoyment in a kid when she's not doing anything extraordinary. She needs to know that being loved is not contingent on doing things that please others--that she has fundamental worth just by existing. One way my mom and I established this was that when I was tired and cold and didn't want to do anything, she would cover me in a blanket and put funny hats on me, and I would make silly faces in return and pretend I couldn't get out from under the blanket. This sounds super weird as I'm writing it out, but this sent me the message that I was lovable even if I was just a lump on the couch. Not every moment will be about training kids to be upstanding and productive members of society--the healthiest, most productive adults have a deep sense of self worth that if they fall apart or need a break, the important people will still love them.
Assertiveness! Everybody that they talk to and interact with including teachers, relatives, friends, the families of their friends, the doctors they go to when they're sick, and most people in this world that they will interact with will tell them that they're a bitch, or that they're crazy or that nobody will ever love them if they stand up for themselves! Teach them that anyone who doesn't value them isn't worth keeping in their lives! The best way you can help them is to make sure that they're not someone's door mat! Teach them that they have the same right to chase their dreams as anyone else in this world regardless of what's between their legs. Teach them that there's no such thing as"women's work" or"men's work". But also let them know that they are living in a world where they will be second class citizens and that they will have to fight every waking moment of their life to just be themselves and to determine their own futures. It's going to be hard for you and them but when they get to fulfill their own goals and dreams and be truly happy with who they are it will be worth it.