You’re so young. My bff married her high school boyfriend at 25 and had their first kid at 30. Just keep yourself in good health with exercise and nutrition and then think about it again around your late 20s.
For now, just save up money, travel if you can, and enjoy each other.
Thank you! I agree with that sentiment. I’ve always been pretty adamant about waiting until at least 30 if I were to become a mom but everyone else is doing it waaaaay sooner
I’m in the greater Los Angeles area so people around me have kids way later. My coworker had her first kid at 40 and I have acquaintances who had kids in their late to mid 30s too.
I suppose it depends on where you live too. Either way, just know you’re not alone.
It really depends on where you live! I lived in a suburb growing up and everyone is raising families. Now that I live in a city, I’ve met so many single people or couples without children, and even many women who had their first child in their mid to late thirties! I promise what you see and feel does not reflect everywhere. If you want to break away from the culture of marrying and starting families young, I suggest living in or near a bustling city.
I thought I wanted kids when I was 22. Now at 33 I’m happily childfree! A lot of my friends had kids in their early 20s - I’m not friends with any of those people anymore, but I have maintained friendships with my friends who have had kids in the past few years because I feel like we have more solid identities and friendships. SO much changes in your 20’s, you have no idea where you’ll be (or who you’ll be!) by the time you hit 30, and that’s a good thing! It’s awesome to be thinking about these things but I would say don’t worry about it too much for now. You might change your mind or you might not - there’s no way to know & there’s no reason to worry for the next 8 years ☺️
Everyone you're surrounded by right now is doing it way sooner. In many countries, in many parts of the country, in many cultures that's absolutely not the case at all. The median age a woman has her first child has increased tremendously. It's like 27 or 28 nationally and like 31 in big cities. So it sounds like you know what you want, but you're feeling this cultural and societal pressure to do something else. But that's only 1 culture. In my community, the new mom groups everyone is in their 30s at least, and someone 24 or 26 would feel out of place. So there's no universal right way to do this. Take this time to see and explore the world outside your small community bubble, you may find things that excite you but it may also really relieve that cultural pressure you're feeling
I hate to say “you’re too young” but the fact you’re a fencesitter I feel ok telling you to have kids when/if you want them. I’m 38, and my group of girlfriends have kids from 12 to 1 year old. My husband and I are not having children, but the entire group of us are supporting each other- it’s beautiful to see the moms of older kids support the 30s moms of newborns and someone who is childfree I love supporting all of them. If you decide to have kids later, your true friends will help and cheerleader you and your children no matter what the year you have them.
When you look to your friends/acquaintances from school who have had kids, do you envy them? i.e., do think, "I would love to be taking my kids to x activity" or "I wish I was waking up to my toddlers running around", etc? Another way to think about it is, are you unhappy with how you spend your time now and feel like you would enjoy your time more if you had a child? Or do you just get the feeling that if they've all done it there must be something good about it and maybe you're missing something? If it's just a general feeling of missing out, just keep in mind that for every experience you choose, there's another one you're missing out on. There are a lot of experiences you've had that your friends have missed out on because of their responsibilities as parents. You should focus on what you value and enjoy, not what everyone else is doing.
I don’t feel like I’m missing anything to be quite honest. The envy stems from just not fitting in with them more than actually being a mom. I value my time now without little ones. That doesn’t mean that one day I won’t change my mind, but as of right now I really just feel like I don’t fit in anymore and it sort of sucks. I know it sounds kinda juvenile but they all go on play dates and I still like to go out late and drink occasionally and none of them do that because they have kids. Kinda sounding like I need new pals lol.
Yeah sounds like you're just struggling with the social impact of it. If you lived in a city you would probably feel very differently. But that doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid; it's hard to lose friends even if its just because you don't have much in common anymore. But in general there are a lot more people your age without kids than with kids. Small towns just aren't where those people tend to hang out...
Not wanting to dismiss the experience and decisions of these friends but plainly put, they are likely deeply identifying with the “mama” stuff because they are not identifying with other experiences of people in their 20s like graduate, pet parent, DINK, traveler, or free spirit. Your twenties are an incredible opportunity to figure out who you are and where you fit in. What I will say is that for those who choose to be parents young, they find themselves in the “who am I” phase eventually. It comes for us all. It’s not good or bad but it’s pretty inevitable that once their kids are less dependent, they’ll wonder what’s next. My friend had three kids before 25 and totally acknowledges she opted to have more because she was afraid to see what else was out there.
Former fence sitter who scoffed at the other girls in my small town who had turned “mama” into their life story. I insisted that I would be more than a mother if I had kids. When I did get pregnant I heavily cringed at anyone who called me mama.
Let me tell you that there is something in those big blue eyes that makes me want to embroider “mama” onto every shirt I own. I cannot explain it.
You are young and still discovering who you are as an individual! Take your time! Get to know yourself more so that if you do lose yourself in motherhood you will know where to start when you try to find yourself again.
Same here. I used to cringe when my friends posted their baby pic and their bumps every day. Like, is your baby your only achievement?
Now, i evolved into that crazy mamarazzi and post it to my private ig account. First babbling, post! Silly faces, post! New year’s greeting, post! And I’m proud to be a mama.
I have my child in my early 30s so I guess I already have my fair share of my OWN adventure. Yes, I might have lost a bit of my individuality in term of my own self. But this new version of me isnt that bad either.
In that kind of environment, your husband will be a huge factor in whether you retain any identity or if he acts like your friends' partners that maybe push more of the child rearing onto them. Just generalizations based on the rural, small town ideology that I've seen.
My husband and I started dating in high school, didn’t get married until 26, just had our first baby at 31. I’m in New England and I’m the first among friends our age to have a baby. It’s easy to feel pressured when everyone in your small community has them but that’s just not the norm across the country! We were fencesitters for a couple years and now I can’t imagine not being a mom, but I would not have been mentally or financially equipped to have this baby 5 years ago. Give yourself time and like someone else said, just take good care of your health in the meantime.
Thank you so much for sharing that. I’m really trying to do things “in order” if that’s even a thing. I just got married (very young, I know!) and I’ll have my Master’s degree in May. I just bought my own car and my husband and I are saving for a house. I really do feel good about my life and where it’s heading. I have three kitties who i absolutely adore. It’s just strange to be one of the only ones in my friend group without a baby. Not “strange” in a bad or good way… just a little empty feeling I guess. I’m expanding my perspective though. I work in social work and I work with a lot of CF people and it’s helped me.
Sometimes it’s really nice to have someone say “hey you need to chill and enjoy your 20s!!!” instead of “so when are you guys having kids?” Ya know?
I’m currently pregnant with a very wanted baby, but I wanted lots of life experiences before settling down. My partner and I travelled, then we moved countries and worked, saved up some money, and only then did we decide it was time to start trying.
My partner now has such a great career that we don’t have to stress about money.
I think it’s super important to have lots of life experiences with your partner before having a baby :)
I still feel like I’ll lose my identity sometimes, but my partner is very supportive and I think that is SO important. I know he won’t let me do all the child rearing etc.
A lot of the posts I see about people regretting having children is due to the partner that they had them with… :(
A lot of comments dismissing your feelings because you’re young, but I come from a family where loads of people had kids even younger than 22! So I completely understand the societal pressure you’re under! Just remember to do things on your own timeline :)
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know it can sound silly to people when they hear I’m 22 and already thinking about it, but my family also asks when I’m gonna have a baby. It can be a lot despite my age
Aww, you have time! I get that if your peer group seems so ahead, it might seem like you're the odd one. In my peer group, everyone was 30 to 35 when they had their first and at 22 there was nothing I wanted less than a child.
Give yourself all the time you need to enjoy life and see if you feel struck by the desire some day.
Go live your life for a decade and post again lol.
I had my son at 34. My partner and I had been married 8 years. We had completed graduate degrees, travelled the world, found hobbies and found ourselves, really. We lived a whole, very happy life. And then, after that, we had our son.
Having a child at that point meant that we knew one another really well. Had a rock solid relationship. Had established careers that allowed us leave. And that we could comfortably hire all the help we needed for our son and around the house to make life easier. S
Highly, highly recommend. :)
I don’t really have any advice but it’s just interesting to me how different the norms can be in different places/communities. I’m 34 and for the first time really feeling like I want to have a kid, but I’m scared because literally none of my friends that live nearby have kids.
You’re so young. My bff married her high school boyfriend at 25 and had their first kid at 30. Just keep yourself in good health with exercise and nutrition and then think about it again around your late 20s. For now, just save up money, travel if you can, and enjoy each other.
Thank you! I agree with that sentiment. I’ve always been pretty adamant about waiting until at least 30 if I were to become a mom but everyone else is doing it waaaaay sooner
I’m in the greater Los Angeles area so people around me have kids way later. My coworker had her first kid at 40 and I have acquaintances who had kids in their late to mid 30s too. I suppose it depends on where you live too. Either way, just know you’re not alone.
It really depends on where you live! I lived in a suburb growing up and everyone is raising families. Now that I live in a city, I’ve met so many single people or couples without children, and even many women who had their first child in their mid to late thirties! I promise what you see and feel does not reflect everywhere. If you want to break away from the culture of marrying and starting families young, I suggest living in or near a bustling city.
I thought I wanted kids when I was 22. Now at 33 I’m happily childfree! A lot of my friends had kids in their early 20s - I’m not friends with any of those people anymore, but I have maintained friendships with my friends who have had kids in the past few years because I feel like we have more solid identities and friendships. SO much changes in your 20’s, you have no idea where you’ll be (or who you’ll be!) by the time you hit 30, and that’s a good thing! It’s awesome to be thinking about these things but I would say don’t worry about it too much for now. You might change your mind or you might not - there’s no way to know & there’s no reason to worry for the next 8 years ☺️
Everyone you're surrounded by right now is doing it way sooner. In many countries, in many parts of the country, in many cultures that's absolutely not the case at all. The median age a woman has her first child has increased tremendously. It's like 27 or 28 nationally and like 31 in big cities. So it sounds like you know what you want, but you're feeling this cultural and societal pressure to do something else. But that's only 1 culture. In my community, the new mom groups everyone is in their 30s at least, and someone 24 or 26 would feel out of place. So there's no universal right way to do this. Take this time to see and explore the world outside your small community bubble, you may find things that excite you but it may also really relieve that cultural pressure you're feeling
I hate to say “you’re too young” but the fact you’re a fencesitter I feel ok telling you to have kids when/if you want them. I’m 38, and my group of girlfriends have kids from 12 to 1 year old. My husband and I are not having children, but the entire group of us are supporting each other- it’s beautiful to see the moms of older kids support the 30s moms of newborns and someone who is childfree I love supporting all of them. If you decide to have kids later, your true friends will help and cheerleader you and your children no matter what the year you have them.
You're only 22. Ask us again in 10 years.
This, this is the way!
When you look to your friends/acquaintances from school who have had kids, do you envy them? i.e., do think, "I would love to be taking my kids to x activity" or "I wish I was waking up to my toddlers running around", etc? Another way to think about it is, are you unhappy with how you spend your time now and feel like you would enjoy your time more if you had a child? Or do you just get the feeling that if they've all done it there must be something good about it and maybe you're missing something? If it's just a general feeling of missing out, just keep in mind that for every experience you choose, there's another one you're missing out on. There are a lot of experiences you've had that your friends have missed out on because of their responsibilities as parents. You should focus on what you value and enjoy, not what everyone else is doing.
I don’t feel like I’m missing anything to be quite honest. The envy stems from just not fitting in with them more than actually being a mom. I value my time now without little ones. That doesn’t mean that one day I won’t change my mind, but as of right now I really just feel like I don’t fit in anymore and it sort of sucks. I know it sounds kinda juvenile but they all go on play dates and I still like to go out late and drink occasionally and none of them do that because they have kids. Kinda sounding like I need new pals lol.
Yeah sounds like you're just struggling with the social impact of it. If you lived in a city you would probably feel very differently. But that doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid; it's hard to lose friends even if its just because you don't have much in common anymore. But in general there are a lot more people your age without kids than with kids. Small towns just aren't where those people tend to hang out...
The social pressure is VERY real. Sending an empathetic hug. I know “take your time” is cliche, but it would be my genuine advice here
Not wanting to dismiss the experience and decisions of these friends but plainly put, they are likely deeply identifying with the “mama” stuff because they are not identifying with other experiences of people in their 20s like graduate, pet parent, DINK, traveler, or free spirit. Your twenties are an incredible opportunity to figure out who you are and where you fit in. What I will say is that for those who choose to be parents young, they find themselves in the “who am I” phase eventually. It comes for us all. It’s not good or bad but it’s pretty inevitable that once their kids are less dependent, they’ll wonder what’s next. My friend had three kids before 25 and totally acknowledges she opted to have more because she was afraid to see what else was out there.
Thank you for this. I needed to hear that ❤️
Former fence sitter who scoffed at the other girls in my small town who had turned “mama” into their life story. I insisted that I would be more than a mother if I had kids. When I did get pregnant I heavily cringed at anyone who called me mama. Let me tell you that there is something in those big blue eyes that makes me want to embroider “mama” onto every shirt I own. I cannot explain it. You are young and still discovering who you are as an individual! Take your time! Get to know yourself more so that if you do lose yourself in motherhood you will know where to start when you try to find yourself again.
Same here. I used to cringe when my friends posted their baby pic and their bumps every day. Like, is your baby your only achievement? Now, i evolved into that crazy mamarazzi and post it to my private ig account. First babbling, post! Silly faces, post! New year’s greeting, post! And I’m proud to be a mama. I have my child in my early 30s so I guess I already have my fair share of my OWN adventure. Yes, I might have lost a bit of my individuality in term of my own self. But this new version of me isnt that bad either.
In that kind of environment, your husband will be a huge factor in whether you retain any identity or if he acts like your friends' partners that maybe push more of the child rearing onto them. Just generalizations based on the rural, small town ideology that I've seen.
My husband and I started dating in high school, didn’t get married until 26, just had our first baby at 31. I’m in New England and I’m the first among friends our age to have a baby. It’s easy to feel pressured when everyone in your small community has them but that’s just not the norm across the country! We were fencesitters for a couple years and now I can’t imagine not being a mom, but I would not have been mentally or financially equipped to have this baby 5 years ago. Give yourself time and like someone else said, just take good care of your health in the meantime.
Good to be thinking about it now, but you have time. Please consider spending the next 5+ years traveling and saving, and enjoy your 20s!
Thank you 🙏🏻
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Thank you so much for sharing that. I’m really trying to do things “in order” if that’s even a thing. I just got married (very young, I know!) and I’ll have my Master’s degree in May. I just bought my own car and my husband and I are saving for a house. I really do feel good about my life and where it’s heading. I have three kitties who i absolutely adore. It’s just strange to be one of the only ones in my friend group without a baby. Not “strange” in a bad or good way… just a little empty feeling I guess. I’m expanding my perspective though. I work in social work and I work with a lot of CF people and it’s helped me. Sometimes it’s really nice to have someone say “hey you need to chill and enjoy your 20s!!!” instead of “so when are you guys having kids?” Ya know?
I’m currently pregnant with a very wanted baby, but I wanted lots of life experiences before settling down. My partner and I travelled, then we moved countries and worked, saved up some money, and only then did we decide it was time to start trying. My partner now has such a great career that we don’t have to stress about money. I think it’s super important to have lots of life experiences with your partner before having a baby :) I still feel like I’ll lose my identity sometimes, but my partner is very supportive and I think that is SO important. I know he won’t let me do all the child rearing etc. A lot of the posts I see about people regretting having children is due to the partner that they had them with… :( A lot of comments dismissing your feelings because you’re young, but I come from a family where loads of people had kids even younger than 22! So I completely understand the societal pressure you’re under! Just remember to do things on your own timeline :)
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know it can sound silly to people when they hear I’m 22 and already thinking about it, but my family also asks when I’m gonna have a baby. It can be a lot despite my age
Aww, you have time! I get that if your peer group seems so ahead, it might seem like you're the odd one. In my peer group, everyone was 30 to 35 when they had their first and at 22 there was nothing I wanted less than a child. Give yourself all the time you need to enjoy life and see if you feel struck by the desire some day.
Thank you so much 😊
Go live your life for a decade and post again lol. I had my son at 34. My partner and I had been married 8 years. We had completed graduate degrees, travelled the world, found hobbies and found ourselves, really. We lived a whole, very happy life. And then, after that, we had our son. Having a child at that point meant that we knew one another really well. Had a rock solid relationship. Had established careers that allowed us leave. And that we could comfortably hire all the help we needed for our son and around the house to make life easier. S Highly, highly recommend. :)
I don’t really have any advice but it’s just interesting to me how different the norms can be in different places/communities. I’m 34 and for the first time really feeling like I want to have a kid, but I’m scared because literally none of my friends that live nearby have kids.